Does your husband feel you love him? And does he feel romanced by you? Are you sure? Both are important to you and to him. Have you asked your husband about this lately? We’re asking you these questions because we’ve found the following to be true. And it may be true for your husband, as well:
“A husband considers romance to be one way and the wife considers it to be another. The wife may make many romantic gestures, which go unnoticed by her husband. That is because it wasn’t romantic to him. He didn’t feel the love in the same way it was given.
What is wrong? Are the gestures extended not romantic or thoughtful? No. Are the recipients ungrateful and self-absorbed? No. The wife is simply not romancing her husband in a way that is romantic to him!
“This is a great truth that once practiced is sure to produce lasting fruit. Study your spouse. Find out what romance means to him or her? It may surprise you! But if you do your homework you will become the master of what really turns your spouse on!” (Debi Walter, from The Romantic Vineyard)
Show Your Husband Love His Way, Rather Than What Makes Sense to You
So, we have a challenge for you! You may feel you do a good job of showing your husband that he is loved. But is it TRULY the way that he best feels loved? That’s what this challenge is all about. It will reveal what MOST speaks love to your husband.
So, to begin, we encourage and challenge you to look over the list below. And then make up a copy to share it with your husband. (Make sure you do this when you are alone together. Plus, make sure you do this at a time when he is not preoccupied with something else.)
And then discuss this list with your husband. Have him check the most meaningful suggestions listed below. He can then point out the ones that are most importance to him. Use this list as a basis for learning his views. Your relationship can be greatly strengthened as you use the suggestions.
But keep in mind that these are ONLY SUGGESTIONS. Don’t feel pressured that you have to use all of them. But look at them as ways to bless and romance your husband.
(ALSO… there’s a list in the “Romantic Ideas” topic, which gives husbands 100 ideas. It is titled, 100 Ways to Show Love to Your Wife HER Way. So don’t feel slighted. Just share it with him.)
SUGGESTIONS on How to Show Love to Your Husband:
1. Respectfully communicate with him.
2. Let him know in big and small ways that he’s important to you.
3. Plus, purposefully try to listen to his feelings—even when you disagree with him.
4. Show interest in his friends, giving him some time with them (if they’re trust-worthy.)
5. Let go of the small stuff. We all have annoying habits and preferences that are different from our spouse’s. (Dave Ramsey)
6. Make sure you tell him you love him AND that you like him.
7. Either show interest in his hobbies or allow him space to participate freely. (D Ramsey)
8. It’s important to protect his dignity on a daily basis.
9. When confronting him, realize he has feelings also.
10. Foster an atmosphere of laughter in your home. Look for ways to laugh together.
Other Suggestions:
11. Try not to make sudden major changes without discussion. And then give him time to adjust.
12. When you go out on a date together don’t bring up problems. Have FUN!
13. Focus on what he’s doing right, instead of continually focusing on the negatives.
14. Show interest in what he feels is important in life.
15. Give him special time with you apart from the children.
16. Ease into the negatives when he first gets home.
17. Give him time to unwind after he gets home from work. Your evenings will be more enjoyable. (Dave Ramsey)
18. Don’t allow family members to treat him disrespectfully. Defend him to anyone that dishonors his place as your husband.
19. Look for things you can compliment about your husband. Show your appreciation often.
More Ways to Show Love:
20. Be creative when you express your love, both in words and in actions.
21. Talk with him about having specific family goals to achieve together as a marital team.
22. Don’t over commit yourself. Leave time for him.
23. Extend God’s grace to him and be forgiving when he offends you.
24. Find ways to show him you need him.
25. Give him time to be alone. (This energizes him to reconnect at other times.)
26. Admit your mistakes; don’t be afraid to be humble. Peel away your pride.
27. Defend him to those who disrespectfully talk about him. Love protects (1 Cor. 13:7).
28. Respect his desire to do well—not his performance.
29. Rub his feet or neck, or scratch his back after a hard day.
Other Ideas:
30. Take time for the two of you to sit and talk (schedule it when necessary).
31. Initiate going out on romantic outings.
32. Email him when he’s at work, telling him how much you love him.
33. Surprise him with a fun gift that he’d really enjoy.
34. Express how much you appreciate him for working so hard to support the family.
35. Tell him how proud you are of him for who he is.
36. Talk in loving, not in nagging or belittling ways.
37. Help your husband to be the Spiritual head at home (without “lording” it over him).
38. Reserve some energy for him so you’re not so tired when he wants you sexually.
39. Don’t expect him to do projects beyond his natural capabilities.
40. Pray for him to enjoy God’s best in life.
Remember, all of these “ways to love” are only suggestions:
41. Take special notice of what he does for you and the family.
42. Brag about him to other people in front of him and when he’s not there.
43. Keep conversations brief when he’s tired—so he isn’t “flooded” by too many words.
44. Tell him 3 things you specifically appreciate about him.
45. Honor him in front of the children (differ in private when necessary).
46. “Look into your husband’s eyes when he talks to you. This makes him feel that you’re interested.” (J. Clain)
47. Get up with him, and pray with him to start your day together.
48. Be his “help-mate” in whatever ways you sense he needs it.
49. Participate in shoulder-to-shoulder activities with him without talking. Sometimes men just like to BE with you and not talk.
50. Be a student of his ways so you show your love in ways he best comprehends it.
Plus, here are More Suggestions of Ways to Show Love:
51. When your husband is in a bad mood give him time and space to recover.
52. You can bless him by helping him to finish his goals, hobbies, or education.
53. Treat him as if God has stamped on his forehead: “Handle With Care.”
54. Work to get rid of your own habits that annoy him.
55. Be kind and thoughtful to his relatives. Don’t make him choose between you.
56. Don’t compare his relatives with yours in a negative way.
57. Thank him for things he has done around the house. We all want to feel appreciated.
58. Don’t expect credit for all you do for him. Do these things as “unto the Lord.”
59. Make sure he agrees with everything important that you’re planning to do.
60. Do little things for him. This may include letting him sleep in, bringing him coffee, etc.
61. Don’t belittle his intelligence or be cynical in your words with him.
Want more suggestions? Read on…
62. Initiate sex periodically. And respond more often.
63. Sometimes let him enjoy his day off work without having to “work” at home.
64. Get to the point in your discussions. Spare him details unless he wants them.
65. Discover his sexual needs (as long as they do not violate God’s ways).
66. Surprise him with a 15 second kiss when he gets home from work.
67. Wink at him from across the room when you’re out at a group function.
68. Give him the benefit of the doubt when he mis-speaks.
69. Don’t quarrel over words.
70. Be kind and courteous with him. (Don’t be kinder to strangers than to him.)
More Suggestions to Consider:
71. When things go wrong, instead of assessing blame, focus on how to do better.
72. As a kindness, don’t say, “I told you so.”
73. Try not to argue over money. Peacefully discuss future expenditures instead.
74. Take him out on dates—pre-planning all of the details ahead of time.
75. Hold his hand and snuggle up close to him at times both at home and in public.
76. Praise his good decisions; minimize the bad ones.
77. Tell him you love him more often.
78. Put love notes in his pockets and brief case.
79. Sit with him while he’s watching TV—even if the program doesn’t interest you.
Here are the Last 20 SUGGESTIONS… Keep Gleaning:
80. Don’t expect him to read your mind (despite your thinking he should— extend grace).
81. Periodically, give him time with his family alone.
82. Check with him before you throw away his papers and stuff, when possible.
83. Put effort in to keep yourself in good shape so he’s especially proud to be with you.
84. Let him express himself freely, without fear of being called stupid or illogical.
85. Carefully choose your words. Remember to “speak the truth in LOVE.”
86. Don’t criticize him in front of others—keeping his dignity in tact.
87. Visit his childhood home with him.
88. When you’re angry, express it in respectful ways. Don’t give the silent treatment.
89. Pray for him.
90. Make him homemade soup when he’s sick.
Other Suggestions:
91. Look your best—dress to honor and make him proud to be seen with you when you’re out together.
92. Support him when someone tries to put him down. Be his best cheer leader.
93. Don’t disagree with him in front of the children.
94. Take him for a weekend get-away without the children.
95. Cheer his successes whether in it’s related to business or other areas of everyday living.
96. Graciously teach him how to demonstrate his love for you.
97. Give him coupons to redeem. They could be for a back scratch or a shoulder rub, etc.
98. Buy him a gift certificate to his favorite lunch spot and put it in his wallet.
99. Hide notes for him around the house where only he will find them.
100. Thank him for just being himself.
The author is unknown, for the list of “100 Ways.”
— ALSO —
In addition, below are links to other web site articles centering on this subject. We encourage you to glean through them, and apply what you believe will work for both of you:
• 50 IDEAS TO INSPIRE YOUR HUSBAND
• 50 THINGS TO SAY TO YOUR HUSBAND TO MAKE HIM FEEL GREAT
Filed under: Romantic Ideas
Man o man; I am not the religious type and I have to say, this is THE BEST advice I have ever read. I really wish I would have read this when I first got re-married (8 years ago). It would have saved a lot of fights and hurt feelings for both of us. My husband has even said, in the heat of an argument, that he wishes I would do some of these things on the list (talk to him as nicely as I do to strangers). So of course when I read this list, I mentally took my hand and slapped my forehead. Ha ha.
I can honestly say from personal experience that when I started fiercely defending my husband when the kids (his step-children, my bio kids) started to complain about him, they really started treating him a lot better. I now say, “Careful there, that is my husband, lover, greatest support network, and our biggest cheerleader. You will show that good man respect. He’s a good man always trying to do good things. That’s why I love him. I expect you to treat him well.” Made a world of difference. Everything got better and I do mean everything!
Thanks for the tips, really blsd. Hope for the best. Prayers most needed.
Thank you very much for the helpful advice above. What a blessing. My question is, I tell my husband I Love you. He will reply “no you don’t love me.” I’m not sure how to respond to this. We’ve been married over twenty years. God Bless!
Hi Sarah. It’s difficult to know what could be the motivation behind your husband’s words. Have you asked him (at a time that isn’t volatile –a peaceful time)? He may or may not be in touch with why he says that. It could be a little game he’s playing in his mind to have you “say the right thing,” which my husband occasionally does that sometimes (he used to do it more, but thankfully he’s growing out of that). Or it may be that he doesn’t feel lovable, maybe because of his past, or an argument you both had, or so. Or perhaps, he really doesn’t feel loved because of something complicated going on inside of him –an insecurity or a different approach to love than you. Perhaps you aren’t speaking his “love language” in ways that he truly feels loved. I’m not really sure.
But here are a few suggestions that come to mind. The first is (if you haven’t already done this), to ask him WHY he says that. It may be that you have to ask more than once. But truly listen. His explanation may not make sense to you, but a BIG part of the problems we have in marriage is that we don’t listen to what our partner is saying because either it doesn’t seem plausible to us, or we want to make our point, which seems more important than theirs, or we’re lazy listeners and we dismiss the importance of validating what our spouse says, and the meaning behind what they say. But ask God to give you listening ears and a heart to embrace the explanation given to whatever it is that is behind your husband’s “no you don’t love me” statement. Listen and truly consider WHAT he is saying.
Another suggestion is to pay attention to WHEN he says it. Could something else be going on that you didn’t consider before? Another thing that I encourage you to do is to read an article I wrote with my husband that talks about “Missing Keys” to some of the mysteries behind certain marriage problems and puzzles. You can find it at: https://marriagemissions.com/missing-keys/. I especially recommend that you obtain a few resources to prayerfully read and glean through (among many that are suggested in the article). The first is “How We Love” and the other is “The Five Love Languages.” We have links to both books. You may even see some others to pick up. But these two come to mind especially. And you may find other articles in other topics of our web site that might supply a missing key that could open a door to turn your marriage into an even better one.
After 20+ years of marriage, there’s something behind his words. You just need to find out the why, when, and what of this mystery. Marriages go through stages and it’s good to take care of those little bumps sooner, rather than later, so they don’t turn into mountains eventually.
Check out forgiven wife for some answers
forgivenwife.com. If you follow her recipe your marriage will be transformed.
Hi Sarah, I cannot help but reply to your text, even though Cindy has already written and excellent response. For your information, I am an American, married to my Dutch wife now for 36 years, and living in the Netherlands. We have 2 grown children and 3 grandchildren.
As a man, I can understand very well how your husband feels, since I was in the same position as your husband (for more than 25 years) because of my history (difficult youth). I had extremely low self esteem, and had real problems believing that anyone would every really love me for the long term. My wife demonstrates her love in many ways… but still, it was difficult for me to really trust her words. I knew at one level that she really cared, yes, but virtually all of my experience prior to our marriage told me, “People don’t really care. They say they care, but when you really need them, they will be gone.” With this short background, I would suggest the following:
– You can ask your husband, “What do I need to do to convince you that I love you?” or… “How much evidence do you need before you will believe me when I tell you I love you?”
– You can go through the 5 love languages websites together as Cindy suggested… this was a great help to us, and the exercise gave us a few well needed laughs as well!
– Be patient, pray, and give your husband time.
– Listen very carefully, and ask him clarifying questions.
I would be very interested to hear how you progress. Blessings to you and yours, WP (Work in Progress)
Marriage is the beautiful thing in which both couples contribute and have fun. Being a good wife is not easy, even if you have a near-perfect husband. To be a good wife, you have to be able to communicate effectively, to keep your romance alive, and to be your husband’s best friend while maintaining your own identity. http://oopsmygosh.com/things-a-wife-should-do-for-her-husband/
All very true!!
Do you have this material in Spanish?
I’m sorry to say that we don’t. But you are welcome to put it into Spanish and pass it onto those who could use it. We hope it will bless :)
It mentions a lot about how he’s had a hard day at work and when he gets home. But I’m the one that works and I’m going to bust my butt and he is home taking care of the children. So I don’t understand how to apply a lot of these.
Keep in mind that these are “suggestions” as mentioned in the article and that not ALL of them are applicable, nor would some of these suggestions make sense for EVERYONE’S marriage. Pray, read, and see what you can use. You can also adapt those that need it for your marriage. Please also look at: https://marriagemissions.com/100-ways-you-can-love-your-wife-her-way/. You will find some overlap and some that are different. But in both cases, these are SUGGESTIONS, not hard and set commandments.
I love this. It makes me feel new and feels like I am gonna make my hubby the happiest man ever! Thank you so much.
My husband is very hurtful, physically and selfish. He is 70 and I am 60. He represents himself to others as an important Christian man. I’ve told them when he did great damage to my body, well only 2 people I told, they are his ‘right hand’ men and the good ole boy system took over. Short of suicide is there any answer at my age? And to not make him angry?
Please call a suicide hot line. Find help with domestic violence counseling. You are a beautiful, strong woman. Find strength to reach for help from God.
I just read “Me from the United States” comment regarding her husband being physically abusive to her. I agree with the initial response/advice that was given. Anyone who portrays themselves to be a “man of God” and physically harms their spouse, as she has stated, is dangerous in a multitude of ways besides the obvious. She needs to leave…and do so in a smart and extremely cautious way.
“Me” never accept physical abuse and NEVER, EVER contemplate taking your life! You are too precious in the eyes of God for such thoughts. You are here for a reason and it wasn’t to be trampled on by anyone. Be safe and plan well… but, my suggestion is for you to leave… and leave with caution and a secure plan. Pray first and listen to your spirit! God is the Best of Planners! May you be safe always and at peace!
Last year we lost our daughter. My husband and I were deeply depressed. But we decided to start everything from the beginning. I love him. I am grateful for the every single minute being with him.
Absolutely beautiful 100 percent
I try to comply with my husband’s wishes but there is something he wants and I feel it will cause a problem in the marriage and the action will make me fall short of God. He wants a twosome. I considered it at first but now I don’t want to.
Moe, you are a smart woman. Please hold onto your instincts on this. I believe the Holy Spirit is letting you know that this is wrong and you will always, always regret it, from that day forward. Please listen to that prompting. Protect your own moral and spiritual beliefs and protect your marriage, even though your husband isn’t.
This is adultery, even though you would be there and participating. The fact that you’d participate doesn’t make it any less so, and actually makes it worse. It’s like the Adam and Eve situation in reverse. He is tempted and is putting it out for you to eat of it also. Don’t bite. It didn’t go well with Adam and Eve and it won’t with you. Don’t participate in ANY sex where another person is involved with you and your husband, whether visually, in your thoughts, or physically. It is wrong. Sex with your husband is good; sex with anyone else in any way is NOT.
Interesting. How do you apply some of these when a spouse admits to having a temper, or your spouse has no friends, is retired and doesn’t wish to go out any longer? In other words does not go out of his way to treat his wife like a woman? Treats her more like a coworker?
All good – but you need 101: do oral sex to your husband…why do these lists miss this one which should be in the top three?
My husband an I have been having bad fights and now he’s been sleeping on the living room floor. He said he don’t want me anymore and he’s just going to stay here till I get on my feet but I love my husband. I don’t want us to be like that. He hasn’t touched me in a week, so what do I do? I need help.