Marriage Missions International

A Woman’s Four Basic Needs and The Ways They Are Met

This [article] will discuss the four major needs of a woman and the ways they are met. A woman’s four basic needs are security, affection, open communication, and leadership. Because security is the most basic need, we will discuss that first.

Security is More Than Finances

Although security is a very broad term and general in meaning, nevertheless, it is a woman’s greatest need. Whether a woman is growing up with her parents or living with her husband, she has the genuine need to be secure. A woman needs to know she is safe and well provided for in every aspect.

A wife’s basic need for security is satisfied by adequate protection and provision given by God through her husband. The husband must communicate four things to his wife to satisfy her need for security.

1. He Must Communicate That He Cares for His Wife Above Anyone or Anything Except God. When a woman senses her husband is preoccupied or detached from her in some way, she will immediately feel insecure. She wants to know her husband is tuned in to her needs and concerns. A woman can discern instinctively if her husband truly is caring for her properly.

The best way a husband can determine if he is caring for his wife properly is simply to ask her, “Honey, do you feel like I’m caring for you properly? Do you feel provided for and protected?”

If she says yes, he can know he is meeting her needs, but if she says no, then he should listen carefully as she explains why not. Most men are not preoccupied with trying to “get my wife off my back” and keep her from demanding too much, rather than being totally committed to meeting her needs, regardless of the cost.

A woman learns to recognize when a man is not really committed to caring for her. Her situation is similar to the man who has a selfish and greedy boss. All men want to get the most they can out of employment, and their employer holds the keys. If they work for a selfless and generous employer, they feel secure and optimistic. If they have a boss who is distracted, overly demanding, or selfish, they lose a sense of security and joy.

Your wife’s well-being and prosperity are greatly dependent upon you. She is very sensitive to your actions and attitudes for good reason. You need to understand and accept this. Consider what it would be like for a sensitive, caring employer to come up to you tomorrow and say, “You know, I’ve really been thinking about your lately. I wonder if there is anything I can provide for you to make your job more enjoyable. Also, am I paying you enough?”

That would be any employed person’s dream. Well, every woman’s dream is to have a husband who will manifest this same attitude. Regularly communicate to your wife that you are available and desire to meet her needs. Then, care for her. You will be pleasantly surprised by how well your wife responds to her new atmosphere of security.

A man often fears what his wife will do when he makes himself totally available to meet her needs. That is the last thing to fear. You simply cannot imagine what a woman will do for her man if he will envelope her in an atmosphere of total security by laying down his selfish ways to meet her needs.

Again, think about your employer. Wouldn’t you do more and sacrifice more for a boss who served you and cared for you sacrificially? Or do you think you would lounge around the workplace while ordering your boss around and abusing him?

Simply because you have become humble and have committed yourself to meeting your wife’s needs doesn’t mean you lose your authority or manhood. True and lasting authority is built, not broken, upon the foundation of sacrificial servanthood. It is leadership by example, not ego.

2. A Husband Must Communicate His Admiration and Love for His Wife. A woman can never hear too often how pretty she is or how much her husband loves her. A woman blossoms fully in an atmosphere of praise and adoration, but she wilts and dies in the presence of perpetual silence or criticism.

Although a man must speak at times some words of correction or displeasure to his wife, these words must come from a source the woman knows is supportive and friendly. When you praise your wife and convince her of your love in real ways, you have then earned the right to also correct her. However, if all you do is point out her flaws and bad point, your wife will become insecure and bitter.

Every woman is the reflection of her husband. Women reflect in their faces, attitudes and appearances how they feel about their husbands and their environments. When a man creates an atmosphere of praise and respect for his wife, it makes a noticeable difference in everything she does. She radiates and reflects love and respect from every area of her life.

When a man constantly criticizes his wife or makes her dig for shallow compliments, she will reflect her insecurity. Women naturally gravitate to people and places where they will receive compliments about themselves. Men do, also. For a woman to have to go outside her home to receive praise is an indictment on her husband. What often comes next is even more serious.

I (Jimmy) have counseled many married couples who have had affairs. Sometimes it is the man, and sometimes it is the woman. Although affairs are always sinful and devastating to a marriage, you need to understand what tempts a woman to have an affair. It isn’t sex. Women have affairs because they meet a man who will talk to them and make them feel special.

Women are turned on by men who compliment them and make them feel good about themselves. The best insurance a husband can possibly have that his wife will never have an affair is an atmosphere of praise and encouragement that he creates in which she can live. If he will do this, his wife will be drawn to him, and she will not be hungry for love when someone else comes along offering compliments and affection.

If he does not, although she may not participate in an affair, her hunger for love will cause her to wrestle with unnecessary temptations and fantasies. Here are some simple rules for praising your wife:

  • Be sincere. Say good things you really mean, and say them a lot.
  • Say something about every area of her life. Do not just concentrate on physical things, although she needs you to physically affirm her often. Compliment her mind, her heart, her character, her motherhood, her cooking and so forth. Let her know that you are totally proud of her.
  • Never use sarcasm. Never compliment your wife in a backhanded manner. It isn’t cute; it will damage her spirit. For example, don’t say, “Hey, you have a great body —under all that fat!”
  • Earn your words of correction. For every one thing you correct or confront, give numerous compliments.
  • Praise your wife every day and never stop. Send cards, flowers, love letters, anything that will communicate your love and respect.

3. A Husband Must Communicate His Faithfulness. Whistling at pretty girls walking down the street is understandable for teenage boys, but it is inexcusable for a married man. Jesus said that if a man even looks upon a woman with desire for her in his heart, it is the same as adultery. Adultery is not simply a physical act; it is an attitude.

Many men have never slept with a woman outside of marriage; nevertheless, they may carry a spirit of unfaithfulness. Women can pick up on this immediately, and it makes them insecure. A man’s heart must remain faithful, not just when his wife is present, but also when she is absent. You need to communicate regularly to your wife that she is the only one you desire. You must convince her that she is the most beautiful woman in the world to you.

Unfaithfulness also is communicated by comparing your wife with other women. This is the kiss of death. Whenever you compare your wife’s anatomy, behavior, intelligence or cooking to those of another woman —especially your mother —you have made a big mistake. The only time to compare your wife with another woman is when you are complimenting her.

Another no-no is to habitually watch other women through magazines, television shows, movies or real life. Although you may think it is harmless, it isn’t. It’s the same as your wife looking at or talking about other men all of the time. It is dishonoring and sinful. In any relationship where one person is out of control in an area, the other person normally will compensate.

Men want their wives to be sexually responsive. Did you know that a dirty movie or other pornographic material is the very worst thing to use in an attempt to make a woman sexually responsive? When a woman feels you are looking at other women or have other problems with unfaithfulness, she will instinctively withdraw from sex to compensate for your problem.

When you demonstrate sexual purity and restraint outside the bedroom, your wife can be free and responsive in the bedroom. Your purity will provide the security she needs to actually blossom.

Also, a husband should never threaten to divorce his wife. Don’t even talk about divorce. Lose the word. Many married people discuss divorce as a threat to get the other spouse’s attention. The only one to profit from such threats is the devil. He loves divorce because it damages God’s creation so terribly. So, when divorce is even a remote possibility in your mind, the devil works overtime to make it a reality. Also, your wife will become insecure if you talk about it, especially if you use it to manipulate or scare her.

4. A Husband must Communicate His Dedication to Provide Financially. Finances are one of the most important areas of security for a woman. A wife needs the assurance that her husband is committed to providing for her financially. A man communicates his commitment to provide financially in four ways:

  • Praying for God’s blessing and direction. A woman is tremendously comforted to know her husband is praying and seeking God for financial direction and provision. It also is very helpful when a man leads his wife in prayer when financial pressure comes. If he will, he can avert many problems from occurring in their relationship as well as invoking God’s blessing and provision. The old saying, “The family who prays together stays together,” is true.
  • Aggressively seeking the best employment possible. Although we know that God is our provider, it still is important to knock on doors and seek opportunities.
  • Being a hard and faithful worker. A wife needs to know her husband is honest, faithful and hard-working. When a man is dishonest, lazy or changes jobs too often, he violates his wife and makes her insecure. Even if it means foregoing some income or benefits, a husband needs to be careful not to sacrifice his wife’s security. This is very important.
  • Being a wise money manager. When a husband is a diligent steward of God’s money, his wife feels secure. This is not a license to be stingy or unreasonable tight with money but an opportunity for managing the money and paying the bills. It is extremely important to your wife for you to manage the family’s money and resources wisely.

The above article comes from the book Marriage on the Rock: God’s Design for Your Dream Marriage, written by Jimmy and Karen Evans, published by Regal. There is much more on the subject of “How to Understand and Meet Your Wife’s Needs” that we weren’t able to include in this article, as well as “How to Meet Your Husband’s Needs” and much, much more. As Jimmy wrote, concerning this resource: “The contents of this book are a result of what God has shown Karen and me about marriage. In this spiritual education process, God healed our marriage and gave us a love for one another far beyond any we had ever known or imagined. Today, after more than 33 years of marriage, not only are we deeply in love, but we also understand how to stay in love. We have learned how to meet one another’s needs as we walk through life’s seasons and challenges.”


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46 Responses to “A Woman’s Four Basic Needs and The Ways They Are Met”
  1. Rebecca says:

    (USA)  Articles like the above are so depressing! I have always worked at convincing myself for 15 years that we have a good marriage, but when I read something like this, I just want to sit and cry. My husband can’t or won’t do hardly anything toward meeting my needs, so I put them on the back burner, over and over again. I try to be selfless and loving, but there are times when I think I cannot go on. Thanks to God, I have been able to get it together, time after time, and continue for 15 years. Sometimes my anger and hurt become to strong that I fall into depression, or I cry at the slightest provocation. But my strong relationship to my Heavenly Father and delving into His Word really helps!

    When, we got married, I found that my husband had been going out with someone else right up until the time we got married. This woman even called a few days after we had gotten married, looking for him. She was shocked when I answered, just as I was shocked when she told me who she was. She had no idea he was getting married.

    He would leave and come home late at night. I finally set my foot down and that stopped for the most part, but there have been incidents over the years since then. He doesn’t do that now, but only because he lives in constant pain from a back injury. For the first 5 years, I was sure he would leave me at any time. The insecurity was devastating.

    I must say he was good at complimenting me. I had no doubt that he thought I was beautiful and he loved my figure, my face. We had great sex and we never fought. But over the last three years, he has pretty much stopped the compliments. He has become silent toward me in that respect. It hurts so bad and I absolutely long to hear him say the things he used to say.

    He has never included me when it comes to his family. 2 or 3 times a year he decides to go spend time with his folks. If I can go along great, if not, too bad. The decision is not mutual, he decides. In fact, sometimes I find out about his plans by hearing him tell one of his siblings or his Dad on the phone. He’s happy to take me if I can get off work; otherwise he just leaves me dangling. You see, since his back injury in 2001, he has not been able to work a steady job, so I work and support the family and it is his duty to take the kids to and from school and babysit when they are out of school. So when he’s gone, I’m scrambling to find people who will do me the favor of transporting the kids.

    He hardly goes to church at all and will not take the spiritual leadership at home. He lets our daughters see things on TV that I feel are detrimental. We have had discussions about it, but it goes on. He doesn’t even seem to notice. Sometimes I feel like he has replaced me with the television.

    But, he is a really nice person. In spite of all his pain, he is not irritable or cranky for the most part. We converse a lot and that helps.

    Over the last few months, I have been fighting a life and death battle with feelings that I have for a man at work. He looks at me the way my husband used to, devouring me with his chocolate eyes, and tells me what a pleasure it is to work with me. It has gone no further than that, because my belief system doesn’t even have room for such atrocities–unfaithfulness, adultery! No, I will not do such a thing, but the longings are endless and relentless, the fantasies constantly float through my mind, and the war inside is only calmed by heavy doses of God’s presence and His Word.

    I keep finding all this material on the needs of a woman, but how to get them met in a legitimate way when your spouse can’t and won’t is a mystery. Only through God, I guess. Thanks for providing a sounding board.

  2. LT says:

    (USA)  I think it’s important to note that there must be allowances in differences of personality in all women.

    My husband actually tells me he loves me and that I’m beautiful a lot (esp. when we were dating and the first few years of our marriage). However, he completely destroys that when he calls me names, curses me out when I’m calmly trying to have discussions or average conversations and profanes me or my spirituality.

    Because he has a history of ongoing verbal abuse, him telling me he loves me or thinks I’m beautiful has absolutely zero credibility with me. None.

    So I think it’s important, for any men reading this, that if you tell your wife you love her or that she’s beautiful a lot and she doesn’t seem to believe you, then it means you’ve (most likely) completely destroyed your credibility in some way or another, along the way.

    I, personally, work out, wear nice clothes, have had female friends tell me I’m beautiful and catch guys looking at me from time to time so, generically, my oustide beauty isn’t even a question because it’s been confirmed by others. Because I work out and have a strong desire not to be fat or even slighly overweight, most women envy my build. And I envy most women the way their husbands seem to value them the way mine doesn’t.

    What I really need is to hear my husband actually validate me as a person and my worth on the inside. I want to hear my worth as a person. Hearing him say he thinks I’m beautiful is actually an insult to me because it means nothing to me. It makes me feel like a piece of meat or a possession. I need to feel he values me, more, for who I am, than what I look like.

    That’s not to say there aren’t more insecure (from a looks standpoint) people out there and those are the types of women who probably need to hear that. My point is that sometimes telling someone you value how they look, instead of who they are, is not enough. You need to do both. And you need to be believable.

    If you lost your credibility, gain it back. That’s only done over time, not overnight. God bless.

    • Mike from United States says:

      This is a fantastic comment – and one that I will take to heart. I love my wife, tell her all the time but I what I was missing is that she needs verbal affirmation from me about her inside worth. The fact that she’s a fantastic mother to our children, that I know how intelligent she is, that I value her contributions to our family and to my life. More importantly that she feels that it’s coming from a credible husband…

      Sometimes it’s hard for men I think. Im not sure why – but I’m trying to understand myself more so that I can understand and give my wife what she needs to be happy with our relationship and herself and our family.

      For me – I feel like I have plenty of praise about my work ethics, my ability to succeed, my value to my company, how smart I am, etc. What I need, and most men I think, is reminders that we are desirable to our wife’s – that assuming we are reasonably fit (I am) that our wife’s find us attractive. It’s always hard as a man because we rarely get outside confirmation about our looks. Women don’t gawk at men as much as men notice women (at least visually) So if we don’t get it at home – it makes us feel like “less of a man”. Or worse – if women do notice us in public and we don’t get verbally (or physically) admired at home our minds start to wonder what’s going on.

      Anyway – credibility is key. Something I now realize with help from your comment that I’ve ignored with my wife.

      Thanks for the reality check.

    • Roger from United States says:

      No disrespect but you sound a bit vain. Saying your attractiveness has been confirmed by others etc.

  3. Kevin says:

    (USA)  OK, we’ve covered Security. What about affection, open communication and leadership???

  4. Margaret says:

    (KENYA)  Hi, I am married for one and a half months, am a career woman and so is my husband. The problem am facing is that my husband is so mean with his money. Once he pays the house rent he will not contribute anything in that month. Please help for I feel overburdened in this marriage, like I am the giver giver all the time. I don’t feel taken care of and special to my hubby. I feel so neglected. Thanks.

  5. PAUL says:


  6. Juice says:

    (PHILIPPINES)  I am not married but I learn a lot from your sharings. I can also share this with other married friends. Thanks, Juice

  7. Rob says:

    (USA)  I feel for you women, my wife has gone through the same treatment you are going through, off and on for 15 years, last year she had a affair with a old high school boyfriend and it devastated me when I found out. We are still together but only by the grace that I was changing my behavior towards her before I found out. I have to say it is hard, I treat her much better and do the things you all say you need, however you hit it on the nail when you say I have no credibility. I see she wants to believe it, but I can tell she has doubts.

    I do love my wife deeply and this was my wakeup call, and as long as she is faithful I will always love her. I only hope your husbands wake up. Just don’t make the mistake of having an affair, it does more damage then one knows. It’s a deal breaker and the trust never comes back… trust me, never. Talk to them, make them read things like this … I wish you all the best.

  8. Stacy says:

    (USA)  My husband is so mean, he used to curse at me and belittle me but now he thinks he is better because he doesn’t say mean things as much but he does meaner things. Controlling with money, asks for receipts when I go grocery shopping, took all the money out of our joint account and put it in his personal account so I have to ask him for money. No matter the increment he asks me what I need it for. He doesn’t talk to me or greet me nicely, he doesn’t compliment me, doesn’t say please or thank you to me but makes it a point to be exceptionally mannerable to others so I can see. He doesn’t care for me, he says things that devalue the comments I make and when I do something good he will say something about how well he does it. Its very manipulative. He does this so he can say I don’t say anything bad or mean to you, but by showing me up, or not acknowledging my efforts it makes me feel extremely small, insecure, unloved and depressed.

  9. Pat says:

    (USA)  I read this and my heart really goes out to the women out there that struggle with a husband who doesn’t pull his weight. I hope one day I can find a woman who wants a dynamic relationship like some I have witnessed where both partners are willing to work hard to serve one another. My wife has no idea how much I would love to hear her say thanks, I appreciate you, you did a great job or just wrapping her arms around me and saying I love you.

    I have been married for 17 years have 4 great kids and as soon as I finish nursing school will be getting a divorce. That’s in two weeks. Early in our marriage I was very romantic but my wife was not. I would leave notes, take her out and offer affection. I was so in love with her but many times my affection was rejected. As time wore on and praise and affection were offered and not reciprocated my tank ran out. That occurred about ten years ago. Since that time I have been repeatedly drug in front of our religious leaders and accused of just about everything. They set us up with counseling and I went to again to experience more criticism. I took the criticism because I know that I make mistakes. It’s interesting to note that when I stopped being affectionate I was also accused of causing all the problems in our home. So I wouldn’t have to listen to that anymore I got a second job or worked so much overtime I wasn’t around.

    As mentioned above I am almost finished with nursing school. I worked a full time while I was doing this. To make it easy on our family budget I worked graveyard shift so my wife could work part-time during the day. When I get home from work I have to get 3 of my children ready for school and then I watch my youngest until she is ready to take a nap. I then go to sleep and am lucky to get 6 hours generally 4 to 5. At the end of my last school year my wife once again drug me to marriage counseling and the criticism began again. I am lucky that for the past 12 years I have worked in a field dominated by men. I say that because there are no women that could influence me to leave me wife. Now however I am moving to a field dominated by women and I am scared. I’m scared because I believe my marriage is a covenant between myself and God. Scared because some of the students I have got to now are women my same age. They can come to me and carry on a conversation. Several have asked me for help with school work or for small favors. Probably 5 or 6 times those same women have shown their appreciation by giving me a hug. You don’t know how good those hugs made me feel and that’s what scares me. Those women have made me feel emotionally in a way my wife has not for years.

    My question is why? Why did my married life have to work out the way it did? Why couldn’t my wife reciprocate early in our marriage and help it grow to be a dynamic partnership? Why am I constantly criticized and demeaned? Why am I more like the older brother of the house rather than a husband and father? Why is she so willing to let something that could have been and should have so great become so worthless? How did I become the mechanic for our vehicles repairs, the contractor for home repairs and basement remodels, the finance guy for bills and vacations yet I am not worthy to be a partner, friend, lover, companion or even a husband? Why, why, why? I will never know until then I will be the doormat of my family only here to be stepped on.

    • Ava from United States says:

      You sir, sound like a woman! Seriously, wow! I am shocked at all the responses here and how much ABUSE both men and women will tolerate.

      I think that everyone who is expecting these behaviours from their spouses better change their own selves first. YOU have to set the bar for respect, love, value, money, sex, fun, affection in short anything, and once it’s set you have to stick to the rules and value the good behavior and punish the bad. It’s really pretty simple.

      I would never tolerate any of the types of situations discussed here. Please!!! You got to have respect for yourself first before you demand it from others. Stand up for yourself and transform YOU!!!

  10. Daddy L says:

    (USA)  Some of the guys I know will convince a wife, that the husband is good at all those other things, but letting her have fun. It’s not the truth initially, but he takes the role of providing fun, and many times at his expense. It’s sad, but true and even one of my own brothers said “You’re a good dad and provider but not a good friend.”

    I’m a great friend; I don’t like to kiss up to someone and sometimes I’m not going to enable realities that are going to get me in a lot of trouble, or make it harder to communicate, while an outsider can do this, because they don’t pay for it.

    Some of these wives are confused with the constant bombardment saying that cheating is ok, nobody really gets hurt and it’s all a joke.

  11. Lilly says:

    (USA)  I have been married for 10 years and have begged my husband for attention. Sure we have a great sex life, but nothing else. I want a friend. I want to feel security. I am a professional woman, I cook dinner every night, I am a good mom, I am involved in church…..I am just tired of being invisible. I wonder what men expect these days…my husband NEVER considers my feelings. It is pretty much what he thinks I should feel like and quite honestly I am tired of it. I began flirting with other men last year and have been enjoying the attention. I am so angry with my husband that i had to go outside our union to get my interpersonal needs met. One day after having lunch with another man, that night my husband told me, “whatever it is you did today keep doing it.” Go Figure!

    • Daddy L says:

      (USA)  Lilly, Not caring about your feelings is a bad sign. Sometimes we have our head stuck where the sun doesn’t shine because we cannot see outside of ourself. How to facilitate him to get to a point of view where he is concerned about how he affects you and your feelings is the question. I can imagine you tried to explain it to him, but he’s just not getting it or is showing that he cares.

  12. Not a woman says:

    (USA)  Why are there more women replies than men?

    • Tony says:

      (USA)  Because guys like me tried this and ended up with an unhappy, unfaithful wife anyway. So no matter what we do, it will be wrong. You didn’t do it right, it’s our fault if she’s not happy, if she has an affair, and so forth. If she chooses to divorce, the church will treat her as a victim and her abandoned husband as some sort of perpetrator. So why even bother anymore?

      • Gould from United Kingdom says:

        Exactly, you know sometimes women ask for too much and when they are wrong it’s our fault: “we made them do it.” If only you had paid attention to ABC I wouldn’t have done so and so. But when we do the same we are just mere dogs.

        Women should remember that we can not satisfy there needs no matter what — only God can. We are humans with limited time in a day, stress from work, uncertainities about the future, etc. All these have a way of impacting our social behaviour even with our women it’s not you don’t love the person, but it’s just hard sometimes to present it they way she’d want you to.

        • David from United States says:

          Most women today are spoiled with narcissism. They themselves are guided by the images of what they see on TV, magazines, their friends, they also compare material possessions which seems to take over their emotional states of what they call security. This is why so many men are nothing but stepping stones or have you ever heard the words well “I’ve just settled.” This implies that women are just using you until something better comes along no matter what you do.

          If a rich or richer man comes along and tells her what she wants to here. Guess what? She is gone. A dependable vehicle is just that, it’s dependable but guess what an upscale status vehicle is what they really want for themselves. They do not care if you have to go out and work three jobs to keep her happy. Your health and feelings just do not matter any more. And you wonder why men are opting out of marriage today – its no wonder. Women in general need to get off of their high horse and self centered spoiled girl syndrome and mature some. Marriage is becoming an epidemic and I’m waiting on another cultural shift again.

          • John from Canada says:

            What David from United States shares is mostly the Truth. The article above does sound very much like it’s written by a woman because the expectations stated within as to how a male partner must behave, is off the Richter scale. I’ve personally given to all of my long term relationships MORE than I ever received in return $$$ speaking PLUS affectionately. Security to ALL females first and foremost = $; even though they hold down ~ 50% of the Jobs.

            What the Bible says about relationships does not apply in today’s unnatural (abnormal) environment. For a man to consider marrying regardless if she claims to be of Christ, comes with at least a 50% risk of divorce and, if a child is involved, the vast majority of cases see that child raised much more by the Mom than the father. THAT, more than any other facet of modern existence, has created more of the shear MESS the West is in than any other cause. Narcissism is at an all-time-high within the opposite gender yet the media, and feminists blame men for not Manning Up? Churches and Politicians sit back and say nothing because they fear losing female congregation members and votes. The only way out of this mess is to live in a culture that is farrrrrrrr less technologically advanced where the physical attributes are needed and Government services are not. High Tech is destroying us. It’s no wonder many men are becoming a MGTOW (men going their own way) even though in their hearts they don’t wish to. It’s about surviving today with a minimum amount of damage financially, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.

  13. Dano says:

    (US OF A.)  Some of this is good. But the money part. Get real. Today in 2011. The way things are, only the G.D’s will go by this bit.

  14. Colred says:

    (BOTSWNA)  This is quite an amazing, insightful discussion. I am searching for the recipes to make sure my marriage, especially our love life, stays on the road. We’ve been married for three years and we live further apart due to work. Its put a lot of strain on our marriage, to a point where I’ve felt out of it completely.

    I stay in a rural area and have maintained my best behaviour ever since. I don’t feel I can boast but I have been doubting my wife as of late, because she likes parties. She just relocated and feels more private and independent and she was more sociable than before. We have a two year old son. I’ve thrown everything towards the marriage. Is she cheating? She has new male friends, visits new public sites and has less sexual activity.

    Mostly she is strict, angry and all that but all of a sudden she is sweet. Do I have to be scared? She seems elusive somehow. She is hot and sexy and you would mistake her for a flirt. Help me.

  15. Lori says:

    (USA) Why doesn’t anyone address the fact that a woman needs to be able to create a home? A lot of my identity is wrapped up in this issue! Sincerely, extremely frustrated.

  16. Sam says:

    (USA) Lol @ the man having to provide for her financially. This is the 21st century. Women are expected to provide for themselves now -or at least 50/50. Homemakers are for women in subordinate, stereotypical positions. I guess the Bible reads “women are not equal to man,” because that’s how you’re portraying it. You can’t have your cake and eat it, too.

    • Pavrone says:

      (USA) That may be the world but God doesn’t change. He says the woman is to care for the home and the children while the husband provides and a man that does not is worse than an unbeliever. Don’t shoot the messeneger, it’s all in God’s word.

      I know there are women that have to work and I applaud them but if “the” women we have heard of here were not in those factories there would be less temptation, especially those that are there because they are broke. They go right for the big earners.

      I love having my doors held open, no libber here. I don’t want my cake and eat it too, I just don’t want anyone else in my cake!

  17. Milked dry says:

    (USA) I’m surprised no one commented to Paul’s post! I applaud this good brave sir. The Bible says “love does not envy” but I envy a lot of you people. I just apologized to my husband (who is passive aggressive) for not giving him his space that men needed. I felt like a fool and the things I have said is just horrible! Did that account for much? Nope.

    I am always ready and equipped to take responsibility for my actions. Here lately, things have gotten worse though. I’m tired of feeling like I’m by myself. I want to change but not at the expense that I share my love or feelings with a self absorbed human being. This man is passive aggressive for crying out loud, and everyone tackles me and tells how wrong I am but no one addresses his issues or his past hurts. I already know I need to change but for once I wish people would talk to him and stop looking at me as if I am married to myself.

    I told my husband I find I have a brain aneurysm or tumor. I’m divorcing flat out. There’s nothing he can say but he doesn’t care. I’m crying for help but I’m getting ignored. My dreams are coming true… Everyone is turning their backs on me after I’m there to help them. Thank you cruel world; thanks a whole a lot.

  18. Paulette says:

    (US) I’ve been married 11 years. During this entire marriage to my husband, I have never felt provided for or secure. He has always made less money. This was not a big deal at first because I knew he would be going back to school to get a better job. He did go back to school, obtained several degrees but still he could not and has not obtained a better paying job than when he had NO degree. Although the economy has some play in it, I just find that he has no ambition to really fight for our family and find a better job. I say this because he will send his resume and just wait. No follow up letter, phone call or anything. He refuse to network with people who maybe can help him get a better job.

    He is now working for a family member making just enought money to pay a few bills in the house. We are so in debt (he has 90K in student loans alone) and with the money he makes we will never get out of debt. I work myself sick making sure the mortgage is paid and all the other bills. What really sent me over the top was when I spoke to a friend and got him a job at a local plant in our town. After 6 months, he explained to me that he didn’t like the job anymore (the money was decent, the most he has ever made). He really felt that with his degrees the job was beneath him. He had no consideration for the fact that he carried our entire family on his insurance.

    Because of my work as a private contractor I am able to get insurance for our family, however it costs $600 a month when he was paying only $60 a month with much better coverage. Instead of quitting like he said he was going to do, he got fired after being there for a year. I feel he forced them to fire him hoping to get unemployment. However they denied him for over 90 days. Now he has a year of work history that he can’t use because he was fired. I often times sympathize with his situation.

    At this point it’s hard for me to be supportive and say the things a wife should. Now he finds time to have inappropriate conversations with women on social media networks (talking about sex and calling them sexy). This makes me enraged at the fact that I’m doing all I can to help our family but he is seeking the attention of other women. I’m at my wits end and I feel like this marriage is over. I still love him but I need a husband, not a roommate who can’t and has never pulled his weight. We have one child who adores him and it saddens me that she will not be with her father. Not sure if we should go to couseling or just head for the lawyers office… feedback please!

    • China Doll says:

      (USA) Seek counseling. Give him an ultimatum. Find out if you and/or the kids are at all important to him. Pray.

  19. CKA from United States says:

    “Many men have never slept with a woman outside of marriage; nevertheless, they may carry a spirit of unfaithfulness. Women can pick up on this immediately, and it makes them insecure.” I’m curious, exactly what does this mean? It seems to me, that some men are actually never going to be unfaithful.

    • Cindy Wright from United States says:

      Please read all of point #3. What it says is that if a man is flirting with other women, the wife feels betrayed, violated, devalued, and unloved. To her, it’s a type of unfaithfulness. You’re right in saying that some men will never be unfaithful physically. But when they are unfaithful emotionally through flirtatious actions and thoughts, it hurts their wives deeply, and causes problems in the marital relationship. (This goes for husbands with flirtatious wives, as well.) It’s not only the physical act of intercourse that embodies adultery, it also includes other teasing types of talk and actions, and emotional connection, as well.

      Jesus said, “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Whether the “lustful intent” would lead to intercourse or not, those who are involved with someone other than their spouse is still participating in a form of adultery.

  20. Patrick from United States says:

    I am a younger man, never been married, educated and morally sound in judgement and perception. I’ve noticed the women of my age group become so confused in the way they believe they should look, act and communicate with men on a relationship level. I see men down grade them and ridicule them to the point they accept this treatment and behavior from “men” as normal. I feel that the image that pop culture has shown of a “dominate man” and “dominate woman” has distorted the truth of the Good moral Man and Woman, that these images have been just accepted and no one asks questions.

    The truth is as I understand it to be we all want to be Loved, Respected, Valued and Understood. I know that life isn’t easy as you do; it takes effort right? Happiness is yours to go after; it doesn’t mean you’ll keep it or maintain it. Find out what you truly believe and cling to it, (think) about what to say and when it’s time let it flow from your heart, speak as if it were someone you deeply respect, don’t use (YOU) instead say “I feel like…” “It hurts me when…” It’s the I absolutely love you randomly, that’s received the best. Know that love is an action verb and an adjective. A noun love isn’t always pleasant but if there’s a GOOD ABSOLUTELY MORAL behind it then stick it out. Just because you don’t see it, it doesn’t mean it’s not there.

    Remember this very important thing when you’re digging down deep to build this thing called love. Remember that when Jesus was tested he for goes the pleasures offered by him who I don’t name. For the pain of the cross for this idea called love and leadership be strong and no your heart and pray pray pray and don’t ever stop. Love you all, God Bless, Happy Holidays

  21. Paul from United States says:

    Thanks for opening my eyes and making me understand what my wife has been trying to tell me all along. Sometimes it’s harder for some people to get across a message or to say something without making it sound the complete opposite, but you have put it in a very simple and understanding way that cannot be misconstrued. Thank you for sharing your wisdom, and knowledge so that people like me still have a chance to save a relationship with the most precious selfless considerate woman I’ve ever known… My wife… Jessica!

  22. Jeanette from United States says:

    Reading this article makes me more angry and bitter, knowing this will never come from my CHRISTIAN husband.

  23. Kavita from United States says:

    I am struggling in a marriage with three children through abuse and neglect and bullying and not getting my needs met. This is 17 years of enduring torment. I feel like I am one of his children, being suppressed and not been treated dignity and respect.

    • Al from Australia says:

      First up, I confess that I’m not a practicing Christian but this article is without doubt one of the most accurate I’ve read. If I met a man who was like the one described in this article I would never dream of straying. Instead I had a husband who provided financially and snuck around using porn, never once complimenting me in twenty years. I felt ugly and worthless, like I could never compare to those women, especially after four kids and even when I expressed this he did nothing to convince me otherwise. I was starved of affection; my self esteem was rock bottom.

      Then I met a man who saw some spark in me. I didn’t have an affair but I left my marriage and am still a year later talking to that man. I feel special, I feel attractive, I’m smiling again. My husband wants me back but I imagine he’s likely still dreaming of his porn stars. When I see him at a family function he’s checking out a twenty year old waitresses cleavage… all the while claiming to love me.

      My children think he is wonderful and I am horrible to hurt him so by leaving. He has all the money. I have none and no job, as well. Was I wrong to leave? Even when we had tried counselling, six years and he was still sneaking porn and could never find an attractive thing about me.

    • Callis from Kenya says:

      A man’s word is RESPECT and a Woman’s word is LOVE. Sit down and have a smooth communication. Learn the primary needs of a woman for love and the primary needs of a man for respect. Try to avoid the vicious cycle of conflict usually called the crazy cycle whereby a man will react without respect and a woman will react without love.

  24. TJ from United States says:

    Any man with the intelligence of a shoe will pick up on what this is saying. If you want the things men want from their wives, and OFTEN- then you will do all of the above and watch what happens! I try to meet all these needs, maybe a little selfishly but we both get what we want! If you are a control freak, just tell yourself that you are controlling her, by doing those things… yeah that’s the ticket. – Happy 2 serve and get served.

  25. Gould from United Kingdom says:

    The information has been of great value. I was just from a terrible downturn with my fiancé because of my lack of understanding on how to communicate with women. This article has and will continue to yield positive values for our relationship through marriage. I also appreciate the part of it being Christian faith based. Please never stop coz sometimes we men tend to think that.

  26. David from United States says:

    I’ve studied psychology, met with psychologists, met with social workers, read many books written by doctors, individuals from divorces, researched the reasons why associated with relationships failures. I have many hours of studying. And what I find depressing on here is that this article seems to be solely directed at mens failures in the marriage. It takes a good woman to make a good man. It also takes a good man to make a good woman. Personality disorders are the sole main reason for failures in a relationship.

    Individuals expectations of one another have become unrealistic to mammoth proportions. Childhood upbringing and conditioning through raising by parents sets the tone to whether or not someone is going to be marriage material or not. We are all different human beings. All men are not the same just like all women are not the same. I myself can complete an entire report as to womens faults associated with a failed marriage.

    Men have needs also its not just women. Men are biological by nature and just as this article reads women are emotional by nature. When a woman doesn’t care about her husband’s biological needs any more through his eyesight, which seems to be the majority of women, especially after the marriage certificate is signed failure and breakdown of the relationship is going to happen. If you want to keep your husband happy do not change from the way you were in the beginning of the relationship. You want him to get better with security, financially and emotionally, then just as you expect him to do better, he expects the same from you. A man’s backbone is his wifes responsibility . It’s been that way since the beginning. If he is failing, you also have a part to play in his failure.

    Proper communication, hearing what the other person is saying and actually listening is the key. If one person is failing at it someone is going to be unhappy. Another red flag is someone without a Christian upbringing while being a child to help mold you into the person you should be. God wanted us all to have a simple life, but nothing is simple about anyone’s life today. In fact it has become extremely complicated.

  27. Callis from Kenya says:

    This article is really helpful to learn that a smooth communication with your wife is very important. As men we should know what women need from us to respect us and also women to know what men need from them to be loved. Communication becomes a problem when a husband and wife use codes in there communication.

    I’ve been married for five years and my wife has been working for the last year. Since she has being earning she claims that her salary shouldn’t be included in the family budget and shouldn’t even follow up to know what she does with her money. I’ve never found anything new in the house since, even a single item. How should I handle this because I’m always disappointed in her asking money from me?

  28. Wayne from United States says:

    My wife has recently been diagnosed with Bi-Polar. She started out 5 years ago with a panic attack that left her with anxiety and depression. Over the years she has changed meds countless times. I’ve stayed by her side the entire time. In recent years she lost her job, a job she went to college for and put many hours of her life into. I’m currently the only one working. I have a regular job and I also DJ as a side gig to make some extra money for the house. We have taken a vacation for the past few years, which was a great get away and very theraputic.

    Just this past week she came to me and said “I love you, but I’m not in love with you and I may want to separate or divorce.” Eventually, she told me she’s been faking love for about 3 months. I was destroyed. I couldn’t figure out how she got there. I mean I know she’s ill and she been seeing the same doc for 5 yrs. My suggestions over time were to go see a different doc but she refused. Meds just aren’t working. Her parents and family doctor have told her that she’s made a rather rash decision.

    I feel like there is a need for some romance and I hope that she’s receptive to it. I’m going to try till there is nothing left to do but say ok, if that’s what you want… I’ll let go. But until then… I long for her all the time. I hunger for a touch from her hand or a gaze into her eyes. I hope she figures out that I really do love her and will do anything to save this marriage.

  29. Chris from Canada says:

    More Doctor Phil female pandering advice. Tell us, where’s the article written by a MAN telling women how to behave as well? Oh, women have no responsibility. Good Christian Advice – the ancients are turning over in their graves.

    • Cindy Wright from United States says:

      Chris, Go into the “For Married Women” topic and there, you will find many articles written by men, who are trying to give women insights they need. You are reading this article in the “For Married Men” topic. Of course, the counsel would be different. It’s addressed to a different audience –men, not women.

      And please know that it’s not about having to “behave” but rather about learning about the differences (in general –there are exceptions) between men and women, and gleaning through what is presented so it can be applied in appropriate situations (we continually tell people that the articles presented here are not given to assume “one size fits all”). We’re each created in unique ways, which includes many differences. Differences are not wrong, not right, but different. We need to work with our differences to build relationship bridges, so both partners are satisfied (to the best of their abilities). I feel bad for you that you see this as “pandering.”

  30. Mary from United States says:

    I just send this to my husband, because I feel so neglected and so deprived of his caring and touch. He betrayed my trust, he was my everything, my heaven my all. I’ve been trying to fight for our relationship for years now and I’m so tired and hurt. I still love him with all my heart, but he cares the most for his hobby, his job, and himself more than me, than us. My results after sending this lecture to him? He just want to breakup with me. I’m so hurt and so tired! Please pray for me, for God gives me the strength to continue and the direction I should go.

    I’m glad that so many men finds good and direction in these lectures. Unfortunately I happened to have a husband that just sees these readings as a waste of time. He ignores them and ignores me too.

  31. Susan from United States says:

    I feel that most of these things are only partly true in my marriage. Do I have hope for a happier future relationship with this church leader?

  32. Bridget from United States says:

    My husband has been a dreamer ever since I met him. He has always had a million different ideas going on sometimes at the same time. He will spend money for projects and then leave them uncompleted. He is very impetuous with money. We go out to eat a lot and for the last 3 and one half years he hasn’t had a regular job because he decided to go back and finish his schooling. Which would have probably been ok if he worked steadily along the way which he didn’t even though his classes were in line. Its been 25 years of up and downs and craziness. Never feeling secure. And the thing is he doesn’t understand why any of this bothers me. He thinks I just need to trust him.

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