Quotes on “Emotional Infidelity”

The following are quotes on Emotional Infidelity from various resources that we pray will minister to your situation:

• An emotional affair without sex occurs when two parties share their feelings for each other. These affairs are supercharged with emotion. The sound of her voice, the style of his e-mail —they are all loaded. But if you confront them, they’ll insist they’ve done nothing wrong. These secret emotional affairs are powerful influences in the individuals’ lives. They often live in a fantasy world, where they imagine what the other party is doing, even while appearing to watch sports on TV or doing some other task.

These individuals rob their marriages of emotional energy. They will save topics of conversation to talk over with the people they are having the emotional affair with, rather than their spouses. They also struggle with feelings of betrayal when they have sex with their spouse. But a lot of these emotional affairs remain non-sexual. They are the hardest affairs to recover from, because there is no guilt. (Cindy Crosby, from the Kyria.com article “Why Affairs Happen”)

• Many times people want to know the definition of betrayal. To some, it is about having intercourse and other sexual contact with another person. To others, betrayal is more about one’s spouse feeling emotionally connected to someone else —late conversations of a personal nature with a co-worker, or an on-going, intimate friendship with another person. To others, it is secrecy. This may involve secret email accounts, cell phones, Internet behavior, or an unwillingness to share information about whereabouts, spending habits, or life plans.

The fact is, there is no universal definition of betrayal. When two people are married, they must care about each other’s feelings. They don’t always have to agree, but they must behave in ways that make the relationship feel safe. Therefore, if one person feels threatened or betrayed, his or her spouse must do some soul searching and change in ways to accommodate those feelings. In other words, betrayal is in the eye of the beholder. If you or your partner feel betrayed, you need to change what you’re doing to make the marriage work. (Michele Weiner-Davis, from article “Ten things You Need to Know About Affairs”)

• Extramarital affairs occur in the mind as well as the bedroom. Jesus taught that physical adultery and lust were one in the same. While they may carry different physical consequences, they do carry the same negative spiritual consequences. Lust makes us think that having some person we don’t presently have would make us happier. Often that person is simply a figment of our imagination. Even if the person is real, we often attach character traits to him or her that are not real.

…We imagine someone who is terribly fond of us and who prefers our presence and intimacy over anyone else’s. We imagine that if we had such a person to hold in our arms, it would be exciting and wonderfully fulfilling. This is a terrible deception, for it’s a self-centered form of love and we ignore the devastating consequences of living out our imaginations. (Dr Gary Smalley, from an email sent out June 13, 2007 titled, Tempted to be in an affair?)

• You have heard it said, “Do not commit adultery. But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (Matthew 5:27)

• It is when we are the weakest that Satan tries to attack. When he sees a chink in our marriage, he will try to bring a bulldozer through. We need to guard our heart against these attacks, whether it is the temptation to enter into a sexual affair or a subtler affair of the heart. Nurturing quiet longings for another man (or woman) may seem harmless at first, but an affair of the heart puts forth barbs that can drag us out of God’s presence into a place of sin.

Sheep never plan to get lost. They graze and nibble their way off in the wrong direction, and before they know it, they have strayed from the shepherd into unknown territory. In the same way you drift into relationships that lead you away from God. Sin can begin in the subtle guise of innocence but grow into something lethal. (Linda W Rooks, from the book “Broken Heart on Hold… Surviving Separation”)

• Let’s look at the biblical solution to staying pure. There is only one: You better RUUUNNN!!! Your passport to purity is a simple formula: Purity = running feet! The solution to the temptation of sexual sin is a twofold mandate: 1 Corinthians 6:18 says, “Flee immorality.” Get out of there and don’t sin in the first place.

Flee! Stay out of situations where trouble might find you. There is no other instruction. Just as God made only one way to Himself (through Jesus), and Christ reemphasized the point by saying spiritual birth must occur (“you must be born again”), it is also true of God’s instruction on how to handle sexual temptation. Run! Set your rules, etch them in stone, make sure you follow them, and then when temptation comes —scram! (Jay Carty, from a chapter he wrote in the book, Lovers for Life, compiled by Kenneth Musko and Janet Dixon)

• Realize the power of your eyes. Your eyes, it’s been said, are the windows to your heart. Pull the shades down if you sense someone is pausing a little too long in front of your windows. Reserve that deep type of look for only one person [your spouse]. (Dennis Rainey, My Soapbox)

• Shirley Glass (author of the book, NOT Just Friends, and expert on infidelity) says it may sound zealous but the best way to insulate a marriage against infidelity is to maintain some boundaries with members of the opposite sex. “People very seldom expect it to happen to them,” she says. “They don’t expect to ever be in that position, but when they are, it’s a catastrophe.” (Staying in a Marriage Rocked by Straying -By Peter Jensen -The Baltimore Sun August 10, 2003 + Are You Vulnerable to Having An Affair? – by Shirley Glass)

• Letting your eyes and heart wander. There’s an old song that said, “I keep a close watch on this heart of mine. I keep my eyes wide open all the time. I keep the ends loose for the tie that binds. Because you’re mine, I walk the line.” You know that’s an old song, since the idea of loyalty doesn’t crop up in lyrics much anymore. I’ve been around long enough to see how subtly the line between “friends” and “lovers” can be blurred.

What begins as a pleasant friendship glides silently across the line. The only way to really avoid those boundary violations is to watch for the early warning signs. If you begin to notice that someone lights up your life a little too much, back off! If you find yourself looking forward to the next time you can be together, cancel it. (Louis McBurney, M.D., from an article titled, The Dos and Don’ts of a Good Marriage)

• Sin is born in the mind. When we daydream about a person of the opposite sex who is not our spouse, that is sin. When we “innocently” facilitate arrangements to be with someone else, we’re already in trouble. Rationalizing your thoughts about another person is deluding yourself. If you find yourself fantasizing or manipulating events, it is time to do a very fast U-turn.

That same mind that leads us down the road of sin can lead us back to God and our spouse. Daydream about your spouse. Remember your wedding vows. Is there something you can do today, this week, to remind your spouse of the intimate relationship you’re called to have together? Daydream about what attracted you to your spouse in the first place. Focus on what is beautiful in him or her. If you find these exercises difficult, maybe it’s time to sit your spouse down and have a much-needed conversation.

Don’t let your marriage slide away because of neglect. Spend time with the person you committed to love in a marriage. You both entered the relationship hoping to have a love that would last a lifetime. Don’t be afraid to work on it when it needs some attention. Some of us have gotten the idea that if love takes work, then it must not be real, and it’s certainly not romantic. That is a lie. All relationships require energy and effort. Romance comes when you provide the environment for romance. (Gary and Mona Shriver, from the book, “Unfaithful”)

• Opening up emotionally to a co-worker of the opposite sex is like removing clothing one item at a time. At first it is very innocent. There is no need for alarm. Neither of you have done anything wrong. However, the more you open up to each other emotionally, the more vulnerable you become to having an emotional affair.

Most people believe that as long as they don’t have sex with a co-worker then they have done nothing wrong. However, emotional intimacy with a co-worker can sometimes cause more damage to the health of your marriage than a one night stand. The closer you become emotionally with a co-worker of the opposite sex, the further you will withdraw emotionally from your spouse. Once you are having an emotional affair, it will become increasingly difficult to refrain from adding the physical element to the affair. (As quoted in the Nov. ’07 Marriage.com.au Newsletter)

• Emotional affairs are similar to physical affairs in that the initial bonding can be a very intense experience. Your co-worker will probably listen to you and understand you better than your spouse has in years. However, just like the intense sex from a physical affair the intense emotional feelings will eventually fade overtime.

Keep the topic of your conversations with co-workers of the opposite sex focused on work related items. If the conversation switches to a more personal level then make a quick exit. How do you know if the conversation is on a personal level? Ask yourself if you would feel comfortable with a room full of people listening to the conversation. (As quoted in the Nov. ’07 Marriage.com.au Newsletter)

• First, you must admit to yourself your attraction to someone else. If you find that you’re convincing yourself everything is okay, it’s not. And that’s the point. If you’re not mature enough to blow the whistle on yourself, then you’re heading straight for danger. You’ll start hiding things —things you thought you would never do —and your prayer life will go down the tubes. You’ll be tormented, standing before your congregation without a clear conscience. Justification is one of the strongest indications there’s a problem.

Next, you must confess it. And you must change —that’s non-negotiable. I often hear people confess, “I know what I’m doing is wrong, but…” and they continue dancing on the edge. In order to change, you have to cut off that relationship.

If you feel you cannot talk with your spouse about your thoughts or a situation, you set yourself up for trouble. You need to be honest—for both yourself and for her. Also, listen to your wife. Spouses are perceptive —often they’re the first to tune in to danger lurking in the shadows. On the other hand, be accountable to selected, trusted people, because there are times you can’t just lay this kind of stuff on your wife. Yes, you need to be forthright, but you need to protect her, too. You don’t want to continually discourage her and make her feel like chopped liver. (From the article titled “Dancing on the Edge” posted on Focusonthefamily.org.)

• If you want to know if you’re risking infidelity, tell your spouse the whole truth about the other relationship. If you find yourself wanting to “edit” the story, you know yourself that you’re playing with fire, even if you want to say you’re protecting the spouse. I agree that secrecy is a key feature of infidelity, so I’d suggest that either spouse has the right to ask and receive a complete and true answer to any question about anything at any time. (Mark Odell, PhD University of Nevada)

• When you turn to the definition of “unfaithful” Webster states “not faithful, not adhering to vows, allegiance, or duty.” Nowhere does it state that unfaithfulness or infidelity is tied to a physical act. It’s my belief that if you’re using your emotional reserves on someone not your spouse at the expense of your spouse, then it’s infidelity. For those who are calling it another name, I can only respond “a rose by any other name…” (Dena B. Cashatt, MFT, Soldier and Family Assistance Program Mgr.)

• Yes, an emotional affair is infidelity, and equally devastating because it’s the fact that he (she) put another woman (man) ahead of you in his (her) life. An affair is any stealing of intimacy that belongs in the marriage and giving it to another, whether emotional of physical. (Anne Bercht, from the Beyondaffairs.com article, “Do Emotional Affairs Constitute Infidelity?”)

• On the SUBJECT of EMOTIONAL AFFAIRS and VIEWING PORNOGRAPHY: Some 37 years of clinical and coaching practice has shown me that gender differences on this issue are not fiction, but based in how people actually feel. My experience working with men (and couples) where the man has been involved with pornography is that the guy’s response is typically “They’re just PICTURES” while his wife is enraged at his “affairs.” And the poor guy just doesn’t get it.

I usually end by pointing out that IF he wants a good relationship with his wife again, he has to learn to understand how SHE sees it, since she’s offended by his behavior. This often is greeted —by the guy —as unfair. To which I reply: “Well, ‘unfair’ or not, that’s the way it works if you want your relationship back.” (George Polley, LICSW)

• If you have lunch with someone you fancy and you don’t tell your partner, that’s an affair. Affairs don’t begin with kisses; they begin with lunch —or something like it. So when you hide the shared meal and the excitement that came with it, you do so for a reason. You don’t want to upset your partner. (Thus you know, in fact, that there’s something to get upset about.) You want to keep it to yourself. Why? Because maybe some part of your mind is planning ahead and it doesn’t want your partner to know that this lunch gig has started at all. Because one day, you hope, it won’t just be lunch that you’re hiding.

By these standards, my e-mail flirtation was already a full-blown affair. And when I realized that, I stopped it—which is to say that I carried on sending Louise e-mails, but much less frequently, and with a new and more measured emotional tone. Most important, I began to think more carefully about sharing intimacies. (From the article, “The New Infidelity” at Salon.com/sex/feature/2003/02/28/email/index.html)

• Sexual sin doesn’t just happen. It almost always is the result of a process of nurturing temptation. (Bill Hybels, “Tender Love”)

• An emotional affair can be just as much a threat to marriage as a sexual affair. I believe that anyone who is in love with someone outside of marriage, and expresses that love to him or her, is having an affair —an affair of the heart. This is particularly true when that expression of love is reciprocated. (From the book, “Surviving an Affair” by Dr Willard Harley and Dr Jennifer Harley Chalmers)

• In one recent study, University of Vermont psychologists surveyed 180 couples who were either married or living with a partner. Fully 98% of males and 80% of females reported having a sexual fantasy about someone other than their partner, at least once in the previous two months. The longer couples were together, the more likely both partners were to report having fantasies; but the imagined flings were still very common in young married couples, who often assumed that they should be immune. In short, almost everyone is doing it —at least in their heads. And usually they can’t talk about it, especially with the person closest to them.

This creates one of the universal paradoxes of romantic desire, a tension between public faithfulness and private longing for another, a secret life of the imagination. Some married people can live with this paradox and understand it as an entirely internal drama that in no way presages a real affair or reflects any need to stray. Yet even long-married people who are acutely aware of this double life and can joke with themselves about it aren’t always able to resolve their tension.

In a psychological sense, free-floating desire has provided the brain with an idea of infidelity, complete with expectations, curiosities and what-ifs. The frequency and vividness of these thoughts may themselves lead a man or woman to believe their love for a partner is fading, Levine said. Then something happens. A blowout argument. A promotion. A school reunion, the loss of a job, an e-mail from an old boyfriend. Some triumph or loss that opens a door through which a person is now primed to walk. The delights of an affair have already been richly imagined.

The consequences are now minimized: “Many couples survive affairs; stop depriving yourself; it’s an experience, part of the richness of life,” a person might tell herself or himself. “Whatever the final provocation,” Levine said, “the person decides —actively makes a choice to participate at every step along the way.” (THE ROOTS OF TEMPTATION – Los Angeles Times – October 20, 2003)

• ONLINE INFIDELITY —”There’s great debate whether this is infidelity or not,” said Dr. Beatriz Mileham, who conducted an in-depth study of married people who go online in search of a romantic connection. Married people creating intimate relationships through chatting online—is a growing phenomenon, in part because many who participate in virtual dalliances don’t regard it as cheating, experts say. “There’s great debate whether this is infidelity or not,” said Dr. Beatriz Mileham, who conducted an in-depth study of married people who go online in search of a romantic connection.

“It gives people a license to be sexual with strangers while still maintaining their vows —at least they think they’re maintaining their marital vows,“ Mileham said. You can find all kinds of people at any time of the day logged into “married and flirting” chat rooms. Mileham said some think that it’s not cheating because there’s no physical contact with that person. “The number one justification is: I’m not touching anybody,” she said. (CYBERSEX: IS IT REALLY CHEATING? MSNBC.com)

• One man who didn’t want his name used because he was concerned his real-life girlfriend would see this story said he’s currently involved in several virtual affairs with married women. He simply fills “an emotional deficit” in women’s marriages, he said. Their husbands have no idea he exists. Big-name Internet companies don’t care whether it’s cheating or not, because the more people looking for love means more eyeballs for online advertisers.

But spouses who discover a loved one engaged in such behavior are nowhere near as ambivalent. “If it’s found out, people tend to feel very betrayed —even if the contact is restricted to the computer only, because you’re channeling sexual energy. You’re channeling emotional energy. You’re flirting and creating a little bit of an emotional bond here that people (feel) is reserved for them,” Mileham said. (CYBERSEX: IS IT REALLY CHEATING? MSNBC.com)