The following are quotes from various resources provided to give Missionaries and their spouse’s insights and help for their marriages. We pray they will help to enhance your marital relationship.
• God may be calling one of you into ministry or a career, and you may have the gifting, but unless you work together as a couple, you’re going to struggle. You have to realize that when God calls you, He has an equally important purpose for your spouse; His call to you is not to be independent of your spouse. So if God is prompting one of you to move in a certain direction, you’ve got to ask yourselves and Him “How does this work for us together?” Unless you’re on the same page, it may not be the right thing to do.” (Frank Pastore – from the book, The Best Advice I Ever Got on Marriage)
• I read many Christian books about the way marriage was supposed to be. I never dreamed full time Christian workers could have marital trouble. Even though I had accepted Christ at a young age, it was not until I got married that I realized my sin and brokenness before God. I was truly selfish and wanted my own way. I wanted my knight in shining armor to take care of me. Instead, I was faced with disappointment, personality conflict, and trying circumstances: my husband was bedridden for two months due to unexpected back surgery; he left his job for integrity reasons without another one in place; our car was stolen; the kitchen roof caved in; and more.
Each blow knocked me off balance because I believed a lie: if I do the right things, we will live happily ever after. Instead, God used difficulties to draw me closer to Him and to strengthen me for the future. As those difficulties were stepping-stones to my cancer journey, this cancer is preparation for something else ahead. (Just Between Us Interview with Kim Newlen, “Living Above Tough Times”)
• An important concept is to realize that cultures are not responsible for making a foreigner comfortable. It is the responsibility of the foreigner to make the culture comfortable with him or her. This is especially true with the extended family. Depending on how the couple met, the family will probably be much more traditional in its ways. (M. Neigh, from article titled, “That’s not what I meant!” Adjustments in transcultural marriage. This article is available to down load on Missionarycare.com)
• There are plenty of marriage eroders, but I think the most common and insidious is busyness. So many things demand our attention. Our ministry; children’s care and education; housekeeping in a different environment; travel from place to place. The tyranny of the urgent keeps us from paying attention to the important. Setting aside some time each day, week, and month for your spouse gives you the opportunity to relax in each other’s presence and talk about what is important. If you don’t schedule the time, you may lose touch without realizing it. If we don’t make time for each other, we can get careless and begin to take each other for granted. We quit doing the little things that make life easier for the other.
Every so often my husband melodramatically sighs, “Ah, the magic has gone out of our marriage.” He says it with a twinkle in his eye when I neglect one of the little things he has come to appreciate, like setting out his cereal bowl at the same time I set out my own. The little things do count. Remembered, they can add up to a reservoir of joy. Neglected, a cesspool of resentment. …Marriage is under attack, whether overseas or in your home country. The enemy values nothing more than breaking up leaders’ marriages. If he can destroy a leader’s marriage, so many others can lose hope and fail. If he can’t do it with a major failure, he will be happy to take a longer time and erode it with neglect. Don’t give him any opportunity. Never let a day go by without “seeing” your husband. (From the Peterswife.org article, “Marriage Erosion”)
• Come up with new ways of showing interest in your mate. Surprise him with your “good taste”: After the toothbrush and mouthwash, rinse your mouth with a weak solution of vanilla or almond extract in water. Or try some of the flavored lip glosses that teenagers love.
Pamper her with a foot rub. Vacuum her car and leave a new music tape on the driver’s seat. Start a piggy bank “savings club” and keep filling it with loose change to splurge on something you know she loves but rarely buys herself.
Send love notes, write a message in lipstick on the mirror or give him a quick call at the office to say all you can think about is seeing him tonight. One missionary I know reads his wife a different love poem each day. She feels adored —for the price of a book of poetry. (From the Thrivingpastor.org article, “How to Fall in Love Every Day”)
• Encourage openness. You can invite openness, but you can never force it. People are not oysters to be pried open with the edge of a knife. We should respect every person’s right to not reveal their inner man to us. Instead of forcing openness, invite it. When we lived in Nigeria I developed some painful boils. I wanted to force the poison out of them by squeezing them, much like you would squeeze a pimple. But my wife, a trained nurse, saved me from that mistake. She explained that if I did that I could actually force the poison right into my bloodstream, and possibly die from it. So she made warm antiseptic compresses that we applied until the boil opened and poison could safely flow out. Warm, assuring love will do the same thing. It encourages openness. (Mike Constantine, from Peterswife.org article, “The ABC’s of Communication”)
• Transparency in marriage is very vital for your survival overseas. As you don’t have all the support systems of your home country, you depend much more on one another. This dependency can only work when you are honest and transparent. Otherwise you quickly slip into wearing masks trying to cover up your needs or frustrations. Try to express your love for one another as much as possible. Show signs of appreciation in creative ways-flowers, cards, special little gifts, giving one another time and space for personal reflection and recreation, are all signs of love and value and respect for one another.
This way you not only protect your love, but model good life and communication tools to your children and to co-workers. Be aware that you are models for committed love for social, for emotional and spiritual integrity. As a wise proverb says, “an ounce of example is worth a pound of teaching.” Maybe you feel overwhelmed now and you think, “Can I set the right priorities in my marriage? Where do I find the time for dates to cultivate the relationship with my partner? How can I promote my partner’s emotional and spiritual growth if I can’t even care for my own? From where do I get the patience and the energy to be transparent and respectful and to be a good model for our children so that they feel secure?”
I can sympathize with these questions. I have been struggling with them for many years. The answer lies in the secret of always starting with one point only. Sit together as a couple and think through which of the issues you both have the most difficulties with. Is it quality time? Is it caring for one another? Or is it honesty and appreciation? Make a commitment to set time apart to work on the one issue that you feel needs the most improvement. You can even set some clear goals and be accountable to one another. And if you need outside help, and have a trusted person on your field, set up some accountability structures. Always keep in mind, praying couples have the strongest advocate and helper. (Annemie Grosshausser, from the broadcast, “Family in Ministry” part 2 of 5, found on Member Care Radio)
• You are on the front lines of spiritual battles, taking Christ to people who have never heard. Such cross-cultural workers certainly would not get into sexual sin, would they? Of course, they would. For centuries military personnel in any conflict have been notorious for their sexual immorality. Engaged in physical/ideological battles in strange cultures far from family, friends, community, and church, they engage in sexual exploits. Why would you expect any less temptation for you, as you engage in the spiritual battles against the forces of evil? You are lonely. With social support absent, emotional needs unmet, and living in a strange culture with greater sexual freedom than at home, why would Satan not take advantage of you as well?
Most cross-cultural workers can quote 1 Corinthians 10:13, “No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.“ “Seized” is the proper word because sexual temptation can become so strong that a person is willing to give up everything —relationships with God, spouse, and family; reputation, ministry, everything.
Before quoting the verse above and thinking you are surely safe, read the verse before it, “These things happened to them as examples and were written down as warnings for us, on whom the fulfillment of the ages has come. So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall!“ (1 Corinthians 10:11-12) (Ron Koteskey, from the Membercareradio.com article, “What Cross Cultural Workers Need to Know About Sexual Purity”)
• Could you, a cross-cultural worker, get pulled into immorality or adultery? Of course you could, and the “slide” into it usually begins in harmless, innocent ways. For example, you are field director, so it is your responsibility to show the attractive new single cross-cultural worker around. Or, you feel sorry for the new cross-cultural workers who have no place to stay, and you invite them to live with you temporarily. Or, while talking with a long-term cross-cultural worker friend, Chris, you find out that Chris feels neglected at home, so you try to give Chris some extra attention.
Before you realize it, the two of you are sharing deep things, and this intimacy leads to increasing time together, and finally adultery. It happens not only with other cross-cultural workers, but with nationals as well. It happens to both men and women. It happens with young and old. If you think you are invulnerable to sexual sin, you are actually the most vulnerable. 1 Corinthians 10:12 describes our vulnerability, but verse 13 promises God’s faithfulness in providing a way of escape. Attraction to other people is very likely to happen, and if you do not know what to do, you may well find yourself in a position like King David, trying to cover up your sexual sin and causing serious problems for your entire family, field, and organization. (Ron Koteskey, from the Crossculturalworkers.com article, “What Cross Cultural Workers Need to Know About Sexual Stress”)
• It’s so good to have you home, so why are we arguing now? You have been looking forward to being together for several days or weeks, and now you find yourselves in an argument. What is the problem? Remember that both of you are probably physically and emotionally exhausted from all the things we have discussed. The spouse who stayed at home has been carrying the load usually carried by two people. The spouse who traveled is tired from work, travel, and perhaps jet lag and intestinal disturbances from getting some of the flora and/or fauna from the local water. • Both of you need to realize what the situation is. • Both of you need to be especially patient with each other. • If disagreements begin, it is best to shelve discussion until you both have time to get rested, perhaps taking turns covering for each other while the other rests. • Celebrate your reunion (when you are rested) in some special way.
Cross-cultural workers, of all people, should know the importance of debriefing. You consider it routine when you reenter your passport country, and it is the same for any transition. Coming home from a few days or weeks is also a reentry, and you both need the chance to debrief this minor transition. Again, communication is of greatest importance, so debrief each other. • Look at your journals, and tell each other everything about your separation. • Consider how this fits in to your life story together. • Decide what changes this may imply for your lives together in the future • Make specific plans for how you will cope with separation next time. • See the brochure on reentry. (Ron Koteskey, from the Crossculturalworkers.com article, “What Cross Cultural Workers Need to Know About Separation”)