Marriage Missions International

Seeking More

ARE YOU SEEKING DIRECTION…

PURPOSE…

A REASON TO HOLD ONTO HOPE IN YOUR LIFE?

Hear my cry, O God;
listen to my prayer.
From the ends of the earth I call to you,
I call as my heart grows faint.
Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

(Psalm 61:2)

IS THAT THE CRY OF YOUR HEART?

Perhaps God is tugging on your heart
— trying to help you know that YOU NEED HIM.

Below we provide several links to web sites
that could help you as you reach out to GOD:

NEEDHIM.ORG

HOW TO KNOW CHRIST PERSONALLY

COMING HOME: An Invitation to Join God’s Family

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Comments

3 Responses to “Seeking More”
  1. Kellie from United States says:

    I’ve had to affairs on my husband within the 6 years of our marriage. I’ve lied to him in embarrassment or to add more details to hurt him at the time. I want to make things right, save my marriage and be the wife of his dreams. I also have done things in my affairs that I haven’t done with him. Please help as I want my marriage to survive

  2. Rose from United States says:

    I realize this is a religious forum and that my situation may be looked down upon. Basically, my boyfriend and I moved in together after dating 4 mos and knowing each for 20 yrs. We have not lived together for 6 mos. His brother is married to my sister. There was no romance between us, just knowing each other through our siblings marriage.

    He was married the past 20 yrs to an incredibly physically and emotionally abusive woman. I have spent the past ten years raising my daughter who is now grown and on her own with two children. For the past decade, I have been living a celibate lifestyle also not dating much just waiting for the right person. I thought he was the right person.

    I am not sure if my expectations of our relationship are reasonable or not. I feel like I come last, after his kids, after his time spent trying to start a business, I feel like an afterthought. We haven’t had sex since Sept 23 and he isn’t interested at all. Says his ‘stuff’ just doesn’t work. I am 45 he is 42. We are both overweight. He is diabetic and has sleep apnea.

    We had goals we talked about when we got together such as taking small trips alone, he was romantic, I felt like I mattered. All romance stopped the month he moved in, I can’t pinpoint why. He says he feels like a half a man since he experiences severe impotence.

    However, with everything else in which I feel last, the lack of sex just makes me feel so unfulfilled as a partner -I feel dead inside. I could easily be single and deal with less heartbreak. As it is now, daily I am overwhelmed with wondering how I can live like this?

    He has MANY good qualities. But, they seem to not be enough. He wants to live separately now, have our money separate, finish raising his 16 year old daughter that demands incessant attention, be able to ‘become a whole person”, finish his divorce, all with me hanging on or just going back to dating. He thinks nothing of this.

    I feel I don’t get much from the relationship. I don’t get any intimacy, I don’t get any financial benefits of being a couple, I don’t get included much in decisions (he just makes them and tells me about them later), I feel I live in the shadow of his ex-wife, I get to be a step mom and cart his daughter around yet… I don’t feel I am part of a couple that has any unified goals. I feel I get all the grunt work of being a couple but none of the rewards.

    My expectations of a relationship are to make decisions together, with the relationship a priority. I feel we have financial goals and things to work towards. He feels I’m too black and white, that I should be ok just sitting on the sidelines. That’s what I consider it. I am so confused, I feel I am in limbo.

    Is it wrong to want shared decision making, an intimate relationship, and to feel like I matter? I don’t know… I’m rambling and so frustrated that I feel I have not set forth any real examples to get any type of reasonable advice. :(

    • Cindy Wright from United States says:

      Rose, I have to say that normally, we don’t post or reply to comments left on this web site, which deal with trying to help those who are living together outside of marriage. We’re called to help marriages, not living together. But as I read your comment, I felt a tug on my heart to reply to you. I feel a warmth of love and compassion for you.

      Between the lines of what you wrote, I perceive that you are a loving, generous person who has turned a very unhealthy corner in her life. I also know that God loves you very much. I sense that so deeply that He has been trying to get your attention, to turn your eyes and heart towards Him. I’m so sad for you that you have taken this path. Even though I understand how it can happen to fall in love with someone you shouldn’t, it doesn’t mean that you should live your life feeding it. This man was never yours to give your love to. Whether his wife has been doing all kinds of things she shouldn’t in their marriage, she has been his wife for all these years. He is married, whether he wants to acknowledge it or not and whether he has regrets in marrying her or not.

      No matter what, we are not to allow ourselves to believe the lie that because we hurt so badly (as he may have felt), solutions to cheat and do that which we should not, are acceptable. They are not. Reacting out in wrong behavior to wrong behavior does not make it right. And even in your compassion for him, by connecting with him as you did only complicates both of your lives all the more, and puts your life path in an unhealthy direction.

      You ask if it is “wrong to want shared decision making, an intimate relationship, and to feel” you matter to this man, who you have given your all to. Those feelings and desires are not wrong within marriage, but outside of marriage, when you are in a live-in situation, they are misplaced. You have no “rights” because both of you never made the sacred vow promising each other in marriage that you would give of yourselves to each other in that way. You couldn’t, because he is already married. He made those vows to his wife. You say that he seems to think you “should be ok just sitting on the sidelines.” Rose, I want to say this as nicely as I can… but when you took on the role of being his sideline partner, that’s the slot you allowed yourself to slip into.

      So, what do you do now? I realize that what I am about to say is easier to write than to live out, but what CAN you do? You really don’t have much of a choice but to pull back, give him space to raise his daughter (as he should –she is a minor) and HOPEFULLY change his priorities to ones that reflect integrity, and good character. I pray for him too, along with you. I have no doubt that this will break your heart and this would be the most difficult thing you could ever do, but it’s also one that will eventually help you to live a life of integrity and honesty, as well. Please be careful to guard your heart in the future. When you give it to someone who doesn’t cherish it and entangle it with someone who isn’t yours to have, the tearing apart is all the more painful. Whether this man has “MANY good qualities” …they are not qualities that are yours to live with.

      I truly am sorry to write this, Rose. I want to write to you something completely different. But I know that what I would want to write ISN’T right. You have walked into a toxic situation and as difficult as it would be to break away because your heart is so entangled, it’s the healthiest thing to do –one that will put you on a better path, for future happiness. I pray the Lord will help you and make Himself very real to you, guiding you to live your life in integrity. I also pray God also shows you that you will eventually experience better days –ones that will bring a smile to your heart.

Marriage Missions International