Marriage Missions International

Testimony From Someone Who Committed Adultery

I never really thought I was a prime candidate for adultery. I was committed to our marriage, and I didn’t think I was what you would call “high risk.” So how did I get there?

The best description I ever heard was “baby steps.” I let myself get into a position of innocent intimacy with another female. Our conversations were innocent enough—family, friends, and ministry. But one baby step led to another and to another, and before I could turn and run, I was in way too deep. Falling was much easier than I’d ever believed possible. And at that point in our marriage, I was angry with Mona for putting me on the back burner of her priorities. I could point to many reasons why I could be angry with her, but the bottom line is that I felt she didn’t want me in any way at all.

But she was my wife. I loved her. I had made a commitment to her before God when we said our marriage vows. “I’m in for life,” I always said. But adultery changed things. When God brought me to that point of brokenness and it was time to get this all out in the open, I felt a sense of commitment that I knew could only come from God. I would use all my strength to convince Mona I was here to stay, and nothing she could do or say would change that. And boy, did I find out that she could do and say plenty! It had to be God’s strength that fashioned in me what I called “armadillo skin.” She used words I had never heard her say before. But I was committed.

After a few months on this plane, I found out what commitment was all about. I had started out with a purposed and diligent attitude. I was there at all hours—and I mean all hours—with answers to her questions. I talked and explained until I ran out of words. And then I got mad.

“Here we go again”, I thought. I was angry and tired. It wasn’t going like I’d thought it would. I’d figured if I could just get right with God and confess my sin, he would reward me with a healing process. I had sinned, yes, but I had also obeyed and dealt with the sin honestly—with God and with Mona and with my church.

I had done everything the way I was supposed to, yet the situation just wouldn’t get any better. I had expected a rocky road, but I hadn’t expected the road to get steeper and more treacherous with time. It seemed the more I tried to smooth things over, the angrier Mona got. Her barrage of questions continued to increase, and my anger reached new depths. I had committed the sin, yes, but how much punishment was I supposed to take?

After a few months, the shock wore off for Mona. I think she honestly wanted to forgive me and keep the marriage going, but as she became convinced of my sincerity, she grew angrier and more demanding. She insisted that I spend every waking moment convincing her I was here for the duration, that I wasn’t going to quit. And I had better answer every question exactly as I had answered that same question the last time and the time before and the time before. Any slight variance in my answer was cause for suspicion. Why had my answer changed? What wasn’t I telling her? What lie had I just been caught in? It was an endless assault.

Is this the life, the wife, I can expect from here on out? Am I to never be more than her whipping boy? It seemed the further we went into the supposed healing process, the further we went from a marriage partnership. I was beginning to lose hope. Quite frankly, if this was the way our lives were going to be, I wasn’t interested.

So what’s up with this, God? You brought me through for this? You’ve guided me—here? I’ve been faithful in every way since my confession. So where are you? Where is your mighty healing power? I thought you were on my side.

As I sat there screaming this prayer to God, I began to feel guilty. Who was I? The adulterer! The infidel! Who was I to think I deserved anything better? The issues that had brought Mona and me here were becoming more evident to me, and I was beginning to understand why couples didn’t survive infidelity. I was questioning our survival for the first time.

God’s allowance of divorce for adultery was beginning to make sense. The wounds were so deep for both of us. The intense pain pushed me to think about self-preservation and less about “us” preservation. But through all this I knew in my spirit that God wanted us to survive; it was in his will for our marriage to make it. But where are you, God? Where are you now?

Then I heard His still, quiet voice say, “I’m right here. And Gary, I’d rather have you right here, angry with Me, than not here with Me at all.”

Those few words spoke volumes to me, that picture of a loving Father wanting His angry son. How gracious He is. My anger didn’t push Him away. Our relationship meant more to Him than how I was behaving at the moment or how I had behaved in the past. His was the ultimate example of commitment.

Within a few short moments, a rush of understanding flooded my mind and heart. Suddenly I saw the parallel of my relationship with God in my relationship with Mona. The agape, self-sacrificial love that God has for me was the only model I could follow to get us through this crisis. It wasn’t going to come from me, but from Him through me. The only thing I had to do was to stay committed to God, to Mona, and to our marriage recovery. Not in my strength, Lord, but in Yours.

 


 

The above article comes from the terrific book, UNFAITHFUL… Rebuilding Trust After Infidelity — by Gary and Mona Shriver, published by Life Journey, an imprint of Cook Communications Ministries, www.CookMinistries.com and Kingsway Communications, www.Kingsway.co.uk. This is an absolutely terrific book! We can’t recommend this book highly enough! It’s written by a couple who have been through this horrible experience themselves. “More than ten years ago, Gary Shriver shocked his wife Mona, with a confession of his three-year affair — as well as a one-night stand.” It devastated their marriage! After Gary’s confession they struggled to keep their marriage together with all the strength they could muster and the Lord’s very real help!

 

What we appreciate about this book is how totally honest they are in their writings and how transparent they allow themselves to become as they diary the gut-wrenching struggle— each giving their own perspective during the healing process. This book is a great road map to follow to recovery! We wish every couple that goes through this terrible experience could read this book because it’s packed with so much that could help them.

This particular article was part of Gary’s testimony. Because of copyright privilege, we can’t include everything he had to say on this subject but we’d REALLY recommend if you can get the book to do so because he has a lot more to say throughout the book that will help others who have committed adultery. Also, the things that his wife Mona writes about will give further insight also — for those who have committed adultery and those who are the victims. This is a GREAT book! The authors Gary and Mona can be reached at www.hopeandhealing.us.

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Comments

152 Responses to “Testimony From Someone Who Committed Adultery”
  1. Lisa from United States says:

    My prayers to everyone on here who has dealt with the gut-wrenching blow of infidelity/adultery. Whether you were the victim or the culprit… it’s still quite a hurdle to get over. One of the most important things to remember, as a child of the Almighty Living God, we are called to walk in forgiveness. It’s not if you want to, it’s a command! And yes, adultery is heavily laden with all kinds of emotions that leave wounds and scars, but God is a healer! He is a protector! He is our Father!

    I’m not speaking from the sidelines. I’m in a marriage (considered a newlywed) and my husband has had multiple affairs, AND abandoned the home. Out of my anger, resentment and pure RAGE… I filed for divorce. But God is a God of RESTORATION and SECOND CHANCES! If we will be still and seek God, listen and obey God… then as the body of Christ, we can turn the statistics around! The Christian divorce rate is ridiculously high and I honestly believe it’s because we aren’t WAITING for God as we should be. As humans, and in this society/culture… we want everything yesterday and we don’t want to sacrifice anything! But if we would earnestly seek God and His direction and instruction, and WAIT for Him to move and guide us… we would experience unfailing, unbelievable, extraordinary blessings.

    I encourage you all to continue to seek God, trust God and meditate on His promises (the word of God). I lift you all up in prayer and ask God through His son Jesus, to heal, deliver and set free everyone enslaved in yokes of bondage, temptation and darkness! I pray that the Lord bestows beauty for your ashes, and I urge you to stand on His faithful word. God will restore and make up for the years the locusts have eaten! God Bless all of us, Amen!

  2. Hurting from Trinidad and Tobago says:

    Hi all, I am a Christian; my husband isn’t. We have a three year old son… a child we longed for for 8 years. In 2011 when my son was 8 months old I found out my husband was having an affair with a married woman. It started off as requests for photos of herself in her underwear or with body parts exposed and they had one sexual encounter. I found out after going through his phone and finding the pics.

    When he was confronted he said it meant nothing and he never did anything with her. Mind you, I got all of the particulars regarding their relationship from her. Nevertheless, I decided to take him back on Father’s day of 2011 on the belief that we would get counselling to help us work through the issue. It never happened. I felt betrayed. This affected my health and I had several trips to the hospital for anxiety attacks. After one of my many emotional breakdowns in December 2011 my husband packed up and went by his parents. He stayed there from that time to present. All the while his mom was diagnosed with cancer, and we were supposedly trying to work on reconcilliaton via seeing a counsellor.

    Throughout the process though my husband seemed comfortable in his present state. He was also taking more of an interest in how he dressed and seemed exceptionally happy. I found out in June of this year that he had been having an affair with a then 27 year old woman from his office that spanned the course of 1 year. I found out through this woman who sent me a note with a confined pregnancy ultrasound at my office.

    My husband’s mother died in April of this year and throughout her illness they had been intimate downstairs where he stayed. Money was paid for her to abort the pregnancy… no clue if this is really so. I want no part of this. How does one trust someone who has devastated them to the extent that he has? I believe in the permanence of marriage. He says he wants his family. Do I give him another chance? I need to be sure I am doing what God expects me to do. I don’t know of he will make contact with this person again. He is not forthcoming with information. He wants to put it behind him and move on.

    • Cynthia from United States says:

      I’m so sorry you went through this. If I may ask, did you give him another chance? I am in a very similar situation and I don’t know what God wants from me.

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