Marriage Missions International

Testimony From Someone Who Committed Adultery

Photo by Imagerymajestic, courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Photo by Imagerymajestic, courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I never really thought I was a prime candidate for adultery. I was committed to our marriage, and I didn’t think I was what you would call “high risk.” So how did I get there?

The best description I ever heard was “baby steps.” I let myself get into a position of innocent intimacy with another female. Our conversations were innocent enough —family, friends, and ministry. But one baby step led to another and to another, and before I could turn and run, I was in way too deep. Falling was much easier than I’d ever believed possible. And at that point in our marriage, I was angry with Mona for putting me on the back burner of her priorities. I could point to many reasons why I could be angry with her, but the bottom line is that I felt she didn’t want me in any way at all.

But she was my wife. I loved her. I had made a commitment to her before God when we said our marriage vows. “I’m in for life,” I always said. But adultery changed things. When God brought me to that point of brokenness and it was time to get this all out in the open, I felt a sense of commitment that I knew could only come from God. I would use all my strength to convince Mona I was here to stay, and nothing she could do or say would change that. And boy, did I find out that she could do and say plenty! It had to be God’s strength that fashioned in me what I called “armadillo skin.” She used words I had never heard her say before. But I was committed.

After a few months on this plane, I found out what commitment was all about. I had started out with a purposed and diligent attitude. I was there at all hours —and I mean all hours —with answers to her questions. I talked and explained until I ran out of words. And then I got mad.

“Here we go again”, I thought. I was angry and tired. It wasn’t going like I’d thought it would. I’d figured if I could just get right with God and confess my sin, he would reward me with a healing process. I had sinned, yes, but I had also obeyed and dealt with the sin honestly—with God and with Mona and with my church.

I had done everything the way I was supposed to, yet the situation just wouldn’t get any better. I had expected a rocky road, but I hadn’t expected the road to get steeper and more treacherous with time. It seemed the more I tried to smooth things over, the angrier Mona got. Her barrage of questions continued to increase, and my anger reached new depths. I had committed the sin, yes, but how much punishment was I supposed to take?

After a few months, the shock wore off for Mona. I think she honestly wanted to forgive me and keep the marriage going, but as she became convinced of my sincerity, she grew angrier and more demanding. She insisted that I spend every waking moment convincing her I was here for the duration, that I wasn’t going to quit. And I had better answer every question exactly as I had answered that same question the last time and the time before and the time before. Any slight variance in my answer was cause for suspicion. Why had my answer changed? What wasn’t I telling her? What lie had I just been caught in? It was an endless assault.

Is this the life, the wife, I can expect from here on out? Am I to never be more than her whipping boy? It seemed the further we went into the supposed healing process, the further we went from a marriage partnership. I was beginning to lose hope. Quite frankly, if this was the way our lives were going to be, I wasn’t interested.

So what’s up with this, God? You brought me through for this? You’ve guided me —here? I’ve been faithful in every way since my confession. So where are you? Where is your mighty healing power? I thought you were on my side.

As I sat there screaming this prayer to God, I began to feel guilty. Who was I? The adulterer! The infidel! Who was I to think I deserved anything better? The issues that had brought Mona and me here were becoming more evident to me, and I was beginning to understand why couples didn’t survive infidelity. I was questioning our survival for the first time.

God’s allowance of divorce for adultery was beginning to make sense. The wounds were so deep for both of us. The intense pain pushed me to think about self-preservation and less about “us” preservation. But through all this I knew in my spirit that God wanted us to survive; it was in his will for our marriage to make it. But where are you, God? Where are you now?

Then I heard His still, quiet voice say, “I’m right here. And Gary, I’d rather have you right here, angry with Me, than not here with Me at all.”

Those few words spoke volumes to me, that picture of a loving Father wanting His angry son. How gracious He is. My anger didn’t push Him away. Our relationship meant more to Him than how I was behaving at the moment or how I had behaved in the past. His was the ultimate example of commitment.

Within a few short moments, a rush of understanding flooded my mind and heart. Suddenly I saw the parallel of my relationship with God in my relationship with Mona. The agape, self-sacrificial love that God has for me was the only model I could follow to get us through this crisis. It wasn’t going to come from me, but from Him through me. The only thing I had to do was to stay committed to God, to Mona, and to our marriage recovery. Not in my strength, Lord, but in Yours.

This article comes from the book, UNFAITHFUL… Rebuilding Trust After Infidelity —by Gary and Mona Shriver, published by Life Journey, an imprint of Cook Communications Ministries, and Kingsway Communications. This is an absolutely terrific book! We can’t recommend it highly enough! It’s written by a couple who have been through this horrible experience themselves. “More than ten years ago, Gary Shriver shocked his wife Mona, with a confession of his three-year affair —as well as a one-night stand.” It devastated their marriage! After Gary’s confession they struggled to keep their marriage together with all the strength they could muster and the Lord’s very real help!

This particular article was part of Gary’s testimony. Because of copyright privilege, we can’t include everything he had to say on this subject but we’d REALLY recommend if you can get the book to do so because he has a lot more to say throughout the book that will help others who have committed adultery. Also, the things that his wife Mona writes about will give further insight also —for those who have committed adultery and those who are the victims. The authors Gary and Mona can be reached at www.hopeandhealing.us.

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Comments

168 Responses to “Testimony From Someone Who Committed Adultery”
  1. Lisa from United States says:

    My prayers to everyone on here who has dealt with the gut-wrenching blow of infidelity/adultery. Whether you were the victim or the culprit… it’s still quite a hurdle to get over. One of the most important things to remember, as a child of the Almighty Living God, we are called to walk in forgiveness. It’s not if you want to, it’s a command! And yes, adultery is heavily laden with all kinds of emotions that leave wounds and scars, but God is a healer! He is a protector! He is our Father!

    I’m not speaking from the sidelines. I’m in a marriage (considered a newlywed) and my husband has had multiple affairs, AND abandoned the home. Out of my anger, resentment and pure RAGE… I filed for divorce. But God is a God of RESTORATION and SECOND CHANCES! If we will be still and seek God, listen and obey God… then as the body of Christ, we can turn the statistics around! The Christian divorce rate is ridiculously high and I honestly believe it’s because we aren’t WAITING for God as we should be. As humans, and in this society/culture… we want everything yesterday and we don’t want to sacrifice anything! But if we would earnestly seek God and His direction and instruction, and WAIT for Him to move and guide us… we would experience unfailing, unbelievable, extraordinary blessings.

    I encourage you all to continue to seek God, trust God and meditate on His promises (the word of God). I lift you all up in prayer and ask God through His son Jesus, to heal, deliver and set free everyone enslaved in yokes of bondage, temptation and darkness! I pray that the Lord bestows beauty for your ashes, and I urge you to stand on His faithful word. God will restore and make up for the years the locusts have eaten! God Bless all of us, Amen!

  2. Hurting from Trinidad and Tobago says:

    Hi all, I am a Christian; my husband isn’t. We have a three year old son… a child we longed for for 8 years. In 2011 when my son was 8 months old I found out my husband was having an affair with a married woman. It started off as requests for photos of herself in her underwear or with body parts exposed and they had one sexual encounter. I found out after going through his phone and finding the pics.

    When he was confronted he said it meant nothing and he never did anything with her. Mind you, I got all of the particulars regarding their relationship from her. Nevertheless, I decided to take him back on Father’s day of 2011 on the belief that we would get counselling to help us work through the issue. It never happened. I felt betrayed. This affected my health and I had several trips to the hospital for anxiety attacks. After one of my many emotional breakdowns in December 2011 my husband packed up and went by his parents. He stayed there from that time to present. All the while his mom was diagnosed with cancer, and we were supposedly trying to work on reconcilliaton via seeing a counsellor.

    Throughout the process though my husband seemed comfortable in his present state. He was also taking more of an interest in how he dressed and seemed exceptionally happy. I found out in June of this year that he had been having an affair with a then 27 year old woman from his office that spanned the course of 1 year. I found out through this woman who sent me a note with a confined pregnancy ultrasound at my office.

    My husband’s mother died in April of this year and throughout her illness they had been intimate downstairs where he stayed. Money was paid for her to abort the pregnancy… no clue if this is really so. I want no part of this. How does one trust someone who has devastated them to the extent that he has? I believe in the permanence of marriage. He says he wants his family. Do I give him another chance? I need to be sure I am doing what God expects me to do. I don’t know of he will make contact with this person again. He is not forthcoming with information. He wants to put it behind him and move on.

    • Cynthia from United States says:

      I’m so sorry you went through this. If I may ask, did you give him another chance? I am in a very similar situation and I don’t know what God wants from me.

  3. Brad from United States says:

    I’ll start off by saying that when my girlfriend and I began seeing each other, we were both nonbelievers. We had two children together, talked about marriage but could never afford the marriage she wanted and was important to her. About three years ago, after we had our children, she became born again. At first I had no interest in being born again but remained very supportive as I LOVED the changes she was making. She was becoming not just a good person but a great person. I occasionally went to church with her to support her but maintained in the nicest way possible that being a Christian wasn’t for me. I’ve never hurt anyone, robbed anyone or done anything so heinous that I felt a need to ask anyone for forgiveness.

    After about a year, she felt I was never going to become a Christian and left me. I was devastated. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this woman and now she was leaving me because of something I had no control over. Shortly after that, she started dating a Christian guy she met at church. It didn’t take long for them to move in together and start having sex, before they were married. I took her back. To make a long story short, for the last 2 years, our relationship has been a series of her cheating or leaving me for a Christian and then asking me to take her back. We recently reconciled after the latest infidelity and things have been ok until recently.

    After a poignant trip to church, she came home and declared that we will NEVER get married until I’m a Christian, we are not going to be intimate in any way shape or form (including kissing)and if I can’t handle that, there’s the door. I told her I understood if she wanted to do that if she felt bad after sex and that I would deal with it. So here’s the problem I’ve been having: I told her I want to keep our family together and that I’m open to the idea of accepting Jesus. I asked her to pray with me, she said no. That was something I’d have to do on my own. Any help I’ve asked her concerning born again, she’s been nothing but skeptical and says no. I’ve been praying for strength and guidance, I tell her this and she says because I haven’t been saved, God can’t hear me. That before I ask for help, I have to praise his glory.

    How can I praise his glory if I don’t believe yet? Since she made this declaration she’s been treating me like garbage. She was always completely honest when it came to cheating and she swears she’s not cheating and she doesn’t necessarily want to break up, but doesn’t seem to care at all about me. Her friends from church she is so sweet to, but I get nothing but attitude and indifference. I use every chance I get to try and make her happy and she says she appreciates what I do but doesn’t act like it at all.

    So my questions are when I pray, how do I praise God when I’ve asked him to come into my heart, been praying a lot over the last 3 weeks and reading the Bible and I don’t feel free? My anxiety is just as sky high since before I started asking for this change and I’m still as confused and I don’t know what to do. Also, I understand warning Christians not to be in relationships with nonbelievers, but what happens when people commit to each other before one of them becomes born again? I love her, I’ve never cheated on her and now because she’s born again it’s ok for me to be left out in the cold? I didn’t understand. God is supposed to be about love but I’m hurt because of her change. How am I supposed to praise God when the dogma of Christianity is tearing my family apart?

    • Steve Wright from United States says:

      Brad, you need to know that I am not a counselor so please don’t take my thoughts as “counseling.” What I will tell you is that I would be extremely concerned about any person who says they are “born-again” and continues to move from relationship to relationship (having sex along the way). I would ask them to show me in the Bible where it says that God honors that kind of behavior. I would also be very concerned about someone trying to use their “Christianity” as a club to get someone else to accept Christ into their lives. Again, I would ask them to show me in the Bible where this is taught.

      To me, Brad, it sounds like your girlfriend is – at best – very weak in her understanding of Biblical truth and she probably told you she wouldn’t help you come to Christ when you asked because she wasn’t sure herself. I can’t imagine a true Christ-follower ever saying that to someone who is seeking to REALLY know Jesus. And either the church she attends isn’t teaching the “Truth” of God’s word, or she isn’t listening when it is taught and she takes what she wants to believe from the scripture while still holding onto many worldly behaviors. She is what the Bible calls a “double-minded” person.

      She told you that God “can’t hear you” until you give your heart to Him. The truth is God always hears the prayers of a person who is honestly seeking Him in truth. I believe that’s why you have all these questions and why you searched the Internet and found our web site. God wants you to know Him – the REAL God and not some half-truths trying to scare you into a relationship with Him.

      I was 24 when I came to realization that I needed Jesus Christ to come into my life to change me. I hadn’t robbed anyone, or hurt anyone (intentionally) or done anything heinous and I considered myself to be a really good person, too. But my marriage was about to end, I had major health issues and I realized as long as I stayed in “control” of my life it would end in disaster -or an early death. That’s when Jesus came to me and I realized that the answers were in Him and I surrendered my life to Him. That was in 1974. So, if you do the math, I’ve been a Christ-follower for 40 years now.

      I would never tell anyone it’s easy to be a Christian. It wasn’t easy for Jesus – or His disciples, or Paul, or millions of His followers before me, so I can’t expect that He’s going to give me an easy life. What He HAS given me is a full life – full of hope, and peace and an assurance that if I make it my goal to live my life to His glory, I can never go wrong. Please don’t misunderstand me, I still do things I shouldn’t but Jesus knows that is not my desire and so I know I have the assurance of His forgiveness when I mess up. And the woman I almost divorced has been my loving wife now for 42 years and God has allowed us the privilege to have this web based marriage ministry. I promise you – none of this would have happened if Cindy and I had not given our hearts and lives fully to Christ.

      What I want to suggest to you, Brad, is to contact one or more of the following resources who can give you the REAL path to answer your questions and doubts and introduce you to the ONE who has been waiting for you all these years. He knew you before you were created and He has had a plan for your life all along. We often refer “seekers” like yourself to a place called NEED HIM. You can either call them at 1-800-NEED-HIM or you can go to http://www.NEEDHIM.com. The other place you can call to talk with someone -a counselor (for free) -is a place called Focus On The Family. You can call them toll free at 1-800-A-FAMILY. Just tell them you have some questions about Jesus and want to talk with someone. Believe me, if you do this I think you will finally find the answers you’ve been hungry to find.

      I won’t tell you that you need to leave your girlfriend, but what I AM afraid of is that until she realizes that she has been “playing” Christian and REALLY surrenders herself to Christ, she can never be a good influence in your life. And I’m also afraid of the example she is setting for your/her children. If you decide to call Focus On The Family they could also talk with you about the relationship issues you are having.

      You have some important decisions to make, Brad. But make the first decision to explore NEED HIM or Focus On The Family. That is the starting place of a new life for you. Please know that Cindy and I care and are praying for you – Steve Wright, Marriage Missions Inetrnational

      • Kay from United States says:

        Brad, I am praying for you and your loved ones! God hears and answers the prayers of those who seek Him. No prayer is ever lost before God’s throne. Excellent advice given in the post above. He has a plan and a purpose for each of us, and I pray you will come to know the beauty of His True Love.

        • Brad from United States says:

          Thank you for the responses. I will look into the resources you suggested and I’m having a sit down with a pastor I like and respect in a couple days. Thank you for the prayers.

          • Steve Wright from United States says:

            Brad, I’m proud of you for the steps you are taking. Don’t get discouraged if the pastor can’t answer every one of your questions in one meeting. Just go in with an open heart and an open mind and I believe God will show up in a BIG way for you. -Steve Wright

  4. Evelyn from Japan says:

    If I recall, I’ve been in this situation that I was so devastated and no one help me, not even my family, but God. And I know how it is to be a prodigal to becoming a stander. At first I was so confused, telling myself that my marriage has no hope that even though I believe in God that He is all powerful and can save, I doubt that He can’t in me. My marriage is still in the process of restoration, but I thank God for allowing this situation because if this didn’t happen in my marriage I would not have an intimate relationship with my Heavenly Father, as well as my perfect husband, for it says in Isaah 54:5, “For your maker is your husband The Lord Almighy is His name…”

    And I would not be able to receive God’s free gift of Salvation, and that I would not be praying for my prodigal husband, and my children…! These things happen to us and the Sovereign God allows it so that we may be able to give Him the glory when our marriage has been restored. It is not our own work, but God’s work, His mighty hand that restored.

    I still have not seen in my natural eyes the restoration, but I trust God that He already did restore my marriage in the Spiritual realm. Please include me and my marriage into your prayer! Thank you.

    • Cindy Wright from United States says:

      I pray for you Evenlyn, that the Lord helps you and your husband to rebuild your marriage even stronger than ever before with the love of God being your strongest bond together. I pray the Lord helps you both, guides you, speaks to you, and works in and through you in this situation. I thank and praise God with you that your eyes are now open to His amazing grace. “May the Lord direct your heart into God’s love and Christ’s perseverance.” (2 Thessalonians 3:5) “And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ –to the glory and praise of God.” (Philippians 1:9-11)

  5. Martinus from United States says:

    I am in a situation similar to others here. I’ve been married going on seventeen years. We have 3 children, the oldest being my stepson. I met my wife in High School and we dated for a short period of time, but later got together again after I had graduated high school. She got pregnant in between that time with someone she didn’t plan on having a relationship with, but nonetheless; she was pregnant. Since we had started back talking to each other shortly after she got pregnant, I decided to take on the father role though I was only 18 and fresh out of high school and she was still in high school. These were big shoes to step into, but I had fallen in love with her and wanted to help her…

    Anyway, a year in a half into our relationship, she cheated. I didn’t find out until a year after we were married. This really devastated me. I had taken on the role as father when I didn’t have to at only 18 to a child that wasn’t mine. I had been faithful to her though I had opportunities, only to be cheated on. I became very upset and told her I was going to cheat on her. I cheated on her with a couple of people and told her about it… I was going to be done cheating until she admitted that she had been with this person more times than she confessed to and tried with another person. I became VERY upset again… She was going to church every Sunday and saying she was a Christian, but wasn’t walking in righteousness and I wasn’t going to church, but was faithful prior…. So I began cheating more and before I knew it, I had cheated with more than twenty women over a 7 year period. I decided that it was enough and wasn’t going to cheat anymore, but found out she had cheated again with a couple of guys.

    I got jealous again and started cheating again, but she had hurt me sooo bad with who she had cheated on me with this time so I was hurt from two sides… I thought I was going to die or go crazy in my mind I was hurt so bad. I started going to church, but I let the pain and anger overtake me. I stopped going to church because I would not go to church knowing I was sinning. Couldn’t do it! However, as time went by, we were able to deal with the infidelity because she didn’t know about the twenty something women, she only knew about the two that I confessed to her 7 yrs prior.

    Then she got a job and met someone on the job and cheated again after being faithful 5 yrs. I found out through God’s intuition and she confessed. I decided I wasn’t going to retaliate again. I started going back to church, but our relationship has suffered dearly. I was a faithful man when we first started dating, but let her cheating convince me to cheat and it changed me. She knew I was faithful before, but after I admitted all the women to her, she has a hard time trusting me or thinking I won’t cheat again. Sometimes I feel the same way about her. But we’ve been working on it and God knew what it would take for me to start going to church.

    My wife didn’t know what it really felt like to be cheated on by the one you love until I dropped the bomb on how many I had been with. She felt the pain like what I had been dealing with from when she first confessed to me. I know we’re going to make it, but I don’t think a day goes by that I don’t think about someone that she’s been with. I have the tapes rolling in my head. I believe it’s the same for her too. I will give faithful words to everyone and let you know it can work, because it is working right now.

    We’ve been true to each other for 3 yrs and counting. What we had to do for it to even start is let everything out of the closet. Tell and answer everything even if we knew it would hurt to know the truth. I have to constantly remind her and myself that we don’t have anything to hide now. Everything is in the open. When we decided that we were going to stay together, we had to keep no more secrets. BECAUSE whatever is done in the dark will come to light… That is the most true statement you will ever hear. I didn’t believe it. I thought I would go to my grave with the 20 something women, but I had to confess. I felt so much better that I could tell the truth after holding it in for 7 or more years. All I can say is trust God, pray, have faith, be patient, and talk to each other about EVERY THING… Be Blessed.

  6. Claire from United States says:

    I am the adulter and I am desperate for help…My husband found out only days ago. We are trying to work it out for the sake of our daughter but his pain is so insurmountable. I am trying to stay strong for the sake of our daughter and am desperate for any advice as to how I can help him. Thank God, he is (at this point) wanting to work through this, but I know that at any moment he has the right to leave.

    We have seen a priest and are hoping to find counseling soon but we live in a very small town and there aren’t many resources. I related to this article because the moment my husband found out, it was like a veil was lifted and I suddenly saw all the love and good things he had for us. I also felt immediately called to live my life as a prayer and dedicate myself to him, my daughter and God.

    I’m praying for God to act through me but I feel as though I’m so desperate to help my husband in any way I’m the only person he has (he says) for support which is beyond devastating…for both of us. I can’t imagine trying to find solace from the person who broke your heart. Please help us; I am so guilt-ridden but beyond determined to give us every fighting chance we can get. Please help us…

    • Cindy Wright from United States says:

      Claire, I’m so glad that you woke up and that you are trying to help your husband. I thank God that he is reaching out to you at this point. May he find relief in his pain, as he seeks help. I believe that God Himself is opening up to you and to both of you to help you get your life in a better place… I sense that sincerely.

      The best thing I can recommend to you is for you and your husband to read through the many articles we have posted on infidelity and adultery. There are a lot of them. But the ones who wrote them are ones who are experienced in, and many of them have lived through this type of devastation. Pray, glean through the info and apply what you believe God would have you –customized for your marriage. You may even want to obtain some of the recommended resources, and reach out to some of the web sites we have posted on this, to read further and possibly get additional counsel. With the Internet and Skyping available, you have many more counseling possibilities open to you than you would have years ago. Look for godly counsel though… that which is also “marriage-friendly.” If you can’t find it, God will help you in other ways as you reach out to Him. But don’t eliminate the possibility that God will want to reach out through counselors that specialize in helping couples get through adultery issues.

      You need help in not only adultery issues but also marriage issues, because something was lacking or your marriage needed more help in different ways, so it wouldn’t have been as vulnerable. Sometimes it’s more of a temptation issue, than a marriage issue, but whatever it was or is, you need to strengthen your marriage in that or those area(s). I hope our web site can help you. But I especially hope you reach out to the Lord to personally guide you as your “Wonderful Counselor” that the Bible refers to Him to be, and as your Lord, to guide you into a better relationship with Him and with each other –which has been our saving grace, in our marriage. I pray God’s best for you both as you seek Him. This is a painful journey, but one that can lead you to beautiful possibilities as you reach out for God’s help.

  7. Jenny from United States says:

    I’ve been married for 7 years, but unfaithful for many more. I am a Christian wife and a mother to a 3 year old. Before you judge me, hear me out. I work with my husband and my best friend (who happens to be a guy). I have always been suspicioned of having something to do with this guy, and I haven’t –I thought he was my friend.

    And then I met my husband and he asked me to marry him; so I did. But I maintained and continue to maintain my friendship with my guy friend. I protect him and “treat him better than” my husband (says my husband).

    I’m not going to lie. My husband and I have almost gotten divorced like a million times in the past 7 years because he has treated me so wrong (verbally abusive) and always accused me of having something with this best friend of mine.

    My husband was supposedly a Christian when I married him too, but recently he became a REAL Christian; there’s a total difference. He loves the Lord and lives for the Lord. Total difference.

    And then… four months ago… my husband tells me he knows beyond a shadow of a doubt he has to come clean with me: he’s cheated on me off and on (various women) for 7 years!!!!!!! starting 3 weeks after we were married. But the dilema is he’s a Christian now -for real. I’m angry and hurt and have no one to turn to. So of course, you can guess, I turned to my guy friend.

    And my guy friend has now confessed, “I have had a thing for you for 10 years. I’m in love with you and I can’t hide it anymore. I’ve tried to respect your marriage, but clearly your husband hasn’t either. I’m telling you what you and I have together is real.”

    I REALLY wanted to hear those words from my guy friend before I even met my husband; and now I have a biblical reason to leave my husband, but is it for selfish reasons? I’m not interested in my husband at all anymore; I really am in love with my best friend. It’s shameful to admit because Yes, I am technically married. Now I’m the sinner. So I’m asking you guys, what should I do?!!!!!!!!!!

    • Cindy Wright from United States says:

      Jenny, This is so complicated, it’s difficult to address this in this forum, but here goes. First off, whether you had a “friendship” with this other guy before you married, once you married, you are just continually walking the temptation line if you continue that “friendship” on the same level. Once you make a vow to marry one person, your behavior with all others needs to change. You need to protect your marriage, which you obviously didn’t. The reason I put the term “friendship” into quotation marks is because I believe that far too many women are in La-la land as far as what a friendship involves with a man –both before marrying and afterward. There is a video on YouTube, which I recommend you watch that will give a bit of insight into what I’m saying. You can find it at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_lh5fR4DMA.

      As your “guy friend” confessed, he has had “a thing” for you for a long, long time. I’m thinking that you knew this, at least part of the time, but dismissed it –thus, putting your wants over any type of agony he and your husband had over this whole situation. That’s truly not a good thing. YOU may not have had those same feelings for at least a good part of that time, but you have to face it, you were playing with fire. What you did and what your husband did in cheating, whether it was in actuality (his affairs) or just flirting, and ignoring everyone else’s feelings concerning your “friendship” was just plain wrong.

      I’m glad your husband confessed and I’m glad that he is now a Christian “for real.” He seems to now be dealing with reality, which gives him (and hopefully you) the opportunity to bring Truth to the forefront –no more secrets and deceptions! But I’m not thinking that you’re dealing with reality yet. You write, “now I have biblical reasons to leave my husband.” That means that you’re looking for a fire escape, while saying “yes, I am technically married.” Essentially what I’m reading is “yes, I’m technically married, but I don’t want to be, so do I really have to stay in this marriage even though I suspect that I have ‘selfish reasons’ for wanting to leave? After-all, I REALLY wanted to hear those words (that this guy loves you) before I even met my husband, and since he cheated, is there an escape clause written into my wedding vows so I can leave without feeling too bad?”

      Nope! If you don’t work with your husband to try to rebuild this marriage on Truth, rather than a whole lot of game-playing, such as has been going on, and dump this guy who had/has no business being your “friend” in the same way he was before you married, then you’re just walking further and further into a mess. I don’t care what this guy meant to you or means to you, it’s an adulterous affair –regardless of what your husband did. His sin is separate from yours. And the fact that you have a 3-year old who is in the middle of all of this –a child you are teaching moral and integrity issues to, I’m sure, makes this all the messier –now and in the future as your child grows up and gets to the point of questioning all of this. And trust me, it WILL happen.

      Jenny, I’m sure you’re a nice person. And I’m sure that a lot of this was done in naivety, but at this point in your life you have some important choices to make. You made vows before God and so did your husband. This guy only played on the sidelines with your vows and didn’t honor them. He may be a nice guy in many ways, but I wouldn’t trust him. Marriage vows sure don’t seem to be sacred to him. They also don’t seem to have been sacred to you or your husband, but the difference is that you have the opportunity to do things the right way at this point. You ARE married. That is a fact… not a “technicality.” You both cheated (whether physically, emotionally, or both). You both sinned… but God is waiting with open arms to say, “yes, you both sinned, but let Me show you what I can do for sinners who totally repent, yield to My Lordship, and devote themselves to building their marriage and home upon the Solid Rock of Christ.”

      Will it be easy? Absolutely not! You have opened a door and let the enemy of our faith in to play around for a time… those demons don’t go away without having to pay MUCH and work A LOT on shoving them and then keeping out. But you made vows, you have a child who deserves better behavior from his or her parents, and you have a “cloud of witnesses” that are watching your lives. What will it say to them when you and your husband divorce, you marry this guy (who was obviously there when he shouldn’t have been), and what does it say to your vows to follow Christ? What do you think Jesus would tell you to do? Do you REALLY believe He would say that “technically” you are married, but it’s okay to dump out of this marriage to marry someone else who shouldn’t have been in your life like he was after you married your original husband? I’m not thinking so at all.

      This will be the most difficult time in your life –to let go of that, which you shouldn’t have held onto and played with in the first place (but you did), and instead, to invest in your relationship with your husband, in a marriage where your feelings for him and your commitment have been shoved away from you for many more reasons that we can go into here. But whatever you do Jenny, please, don’t allow yourself to believe the lie that because you hurt so badly, or because your feelings have slidden into a different direction than they should have –that solutions to cheat and do that, which you should not, are acceptable. They are not.

      You asked for opinions on this… I’m giving it here. The world might tell you otherwise, but I believe you look up to God, confess all you should and then ask for His help to do what I believe you know deep down in your heart that you should do. I believe that you then look your child in the eyes and say, “mommy is going to love you and love God enough to do what I know I should do, even though it will be very, very difficult.” And then I believe you tell this guy good-bye and get him out of your life in every way possible. Don’t see him again, work with him, or anything… release him to look for someone else that isn’t married, no matter how much he protests. You are not his to have and he is not yours to have –your wedding vows sealed that into reality, not technicality.

      And then I believe you should go to your husband and say, “Okay, if you are willing, so am I. I want to commit myself to start, along with you, if you are willing, to build this marriage on solid ground –to learn to love and treat each other as God would have us –to reveal and reflect the heart of God, from this day forward.”

      That’s what I believe you should do with all my heart. I believe God wants to build a redemptive story into your relationship with your husband if you and he are willing. I hope you will… and if you will, I pray the Lord helps you in all the ways you need it. Even so, it will be killer hard… but so, so worth it.

      P.S. To help you deal with your feelings for this other man, I recommend you read the following article and then as many of the postings underneath it that you can http://marriagemissions.com/getting-unhooked-from-an-emotional-affair/. The community of gals and guys here have dealt with similar feelings and are supportive and pray for each other. You will DEFINITELY need help. I pray this does help.

  8. Karina from United States says:

    Hi my name is Karina. I’ve been married for 12 years now, but committed adultery two years ago. This isn’t the first time I’ve been with another man, but it was the first time I was caught. At the time I wanted nothing with the marriage anymore but my husband didn’t want to end the marriage. I know it’s crazy but I’ve always loved my husband and I love him now so much, and am 100% committed to doing everything to make it work. But his heart and his words hurt me. I don’t want to be the victim cuz I am not. But I don’t know what to do.

  9. April from United States says:

    Hi, I’ve been married to my husband for four years this month. He is in the military and has been in Korea for a year now. I came into this marriage with my son who was 5 at the time. I had been single since my son’s biological father beat me every week and decided to leave when I saw my son, at only a few months old at the time, was about to be hurt.

    When I met my husband I had been through the worst but had a wonderful job, nice home, car, and my son and I were great. I’ll admit being a single mom was lonely, and I desperately wanted the love of a husband and father for my son. We only knew each other for 3 months before we got married. Even the beginning was rocky. He was on his way out of the military. However, growing up in a military family, I knew people and my family helped him tremendously.

    So he stayed in we pcsd and that’s when the real real stuff started. I had already caught him online several times before we moved but never really thought he’d go as far as meeting them. Well, a year and a half later I find over 300 photos of naked women and conversations between them. We argued and fought and ironically enough, he’d just get angry and shut down. At one point he even said he wasn’t in love with me after begging me to forgive the week prior. Then he said he wanted to let me go because when he goes to Korea, he wants to travel, and have fun, and doesn’t want to hurt me if he messes up.

    As heartbroken as I was I wasn’t going to stay if those were his intentions. So we didn’t talk for days. I started packing. He saw a lawyer and then came home and told me he only has to give me 600 bucks a month and if I stay in the apartment I need to find a way to pay for it… I’m like ??? Really? So I said I was moving back to my parents and he could have it. He went on to tell me that if I just let him have female friends and give him time we could work this out. Well… I said no thank you. Of course, he got upset, took all the money out the account, and wouldn’t speak to me. Finally someone contacted him after he posted on Facebook this marriage was over and gave him sound advice about what he was about to lose and he needed to grow up because there was nothing in Korea worth losing a wife who has always had your back and been faithful and abandoning a boy who already didn’t have a father and calls you dad.

    So after all of that he comes apologizing to me, begging me to stay, saying he was just confused and angry with himself. Now I’m all for forgiveness and since I didn’t think anything took place yet I was willing to work on it.

    Well, months went by and it was getting closer for him to leave. He started getting distant and as always with me and I promise to God this is how I always find out… something tells me… hey April, pick up his phone or check his pants pocket, and every time I always find something. This time when I went to grab it as we were just sitting there reading he grabs it and holds on to it for dear life, and won’t let me have it. He says I need to start trusting him. Well, I refused to leave the sight of him or that phone until I had seen what was in it, and he said he’ll show me but I can’t touch it. Well, he had an alternate email hidden in the corner. When I told him to click on it… of course, there were naked pictures and conversations. Heartbroken once again, I left crying. He had no sympathy and just said it’s not that serious; he was getting the last bit out of his system and he was done.

    Silly me, I took him back but did not trust him for one second. I kept telling him that these behaviors are gateways and he needs to pull it together and stop. Well, after that we were okay for a month. Then I started noticing he said he was going to the gym and since it was about a ten minute walk from the apartment a little voice said again, walk over and see if he’s there. Of course, both times and just the times I went he had went several others, but both times he wasn’t there and refused to answer his phone.

    When he did show up it was late and all he did was avoid me and not care about the gut wrenching cries in the other room as he went to sleep in our bed. A few weeks later he really started being mean and distant. Now this may sound stupid but honestly, he isn’t a mean person; he’s actually overly happy all the time, has A.D.D. and is extremely gullible so when he’s mean it’s like I know something happened.

    Well, he left the house without warning and was gone for two days. When I finally contacted his sister he was sleeping on their couch. Initially he hung up on me. When I called back he said that he didn’t want to hurt me anymore and is afraid once again that if he goes to Korea he may cheat and doesn’t want to put me through that. But he asked me not to contact anyone and ruin his career “now a sgt” from no rank when I met him because he had been demoted from specialist to nothing. But he said if his career is ruined, let it be him and not me. So immediately I was heartbroken once again, with all the back and forth. I didn’t even want to get out of bed and take my finals because I was so hurt. But I did.

    Eventually he called and asked if I could bring his things. I packed up all his clothes and drove over there. When I got there he acted all cocky but then said we need to talk. That led to him coming home and apologizing.

    Now a week later I made up a lie because something didn’t feel right. I told him I made an appointment, which I did, because I had some female issues that weren’t normal. Well, I had the appointment and made them check me for STD’s. I had no symptoms but something told me to do it. When I got home I told him that they felt like it could be something and if it comes back positive he was going down so if there was anything he needed to tell me he’d better do it now. He lied for the first five minutes and then finally said he received oral from some girl off the Internet the weekend he left.

    Now I was officially done, so I thought. This led to me bashing him with words every day for what he did. The only reason he confessed is because he and only he had some burning going on and thought he had something but wasn’t even man enough to tell me. The same woman who had several surgeries to have another baby and already suffered from pcos and endometriosis and never was able to conceive.

    We ended up in counseling for the first time and even counseling was rough because he started to get angry and didn’t want to really own what he did and started talking like maybe he didn’t want me anymore after begging me once again not to leave. Smh. While in counseling I found an sd card hidden on top of a bookshelf and as always over 300 naked photos of women. And all had folders and names. He claimed he forgot it was there. I know he didn’t. We got through that. And for the most part, things seemed to run smoothly. It isn’t like we didn’t enjoy each other, because we did.

    We started dating, going bowling, going to movies, and talking which led him to be honest about those nights he wasn’t at the gym. Apparently he was meeting up with a woman at the lake just five more minutes from the gym. I almost went there but always went back home since he had the car and I was always on foot. Because we were in counseling and he told me this on his own, I tried to move forward. Well now here I sit…

    My husband has been in Korea for almost exactly a year now. Every month he has been drinking and has spent up all the money. He stopped being intimate with me via video chat about the 4th month. He always had excuses for it. He had a good cell phone plan and we could talk whenever but he would rather go out every weekend. Now at first he didn’t tell me he was going out. He just went M.I.A. to avoid me. No matter how many times I called he wasn’t going to answer. 500 dollars at a time he was withdrawing from the A.T.M. I’m like, what are you doing???

    Well, more months went by and it was always the same ol, same ol until I was so tired I said I was done. He said it is what it is and for a week he didn’t talk to me. Eventually he contacted me begging again, saying that he’s depressed there, he’s tired of being there, he misses us… and going out, and alcohol makes him happy. He swears he hasn’t cheated. I know you guys probably are saying …really? Come on don’t be stupid. But i guess I wanted to believe it so bad because I wanted him. I loved him.

    I was admitted into the hospital after getting real sick and passing out where I busted my head on the sink. At this time we weren’t talking because once again he got money from me and then went M.I.A. after we got paid. He ended up contacting me, found out I had been in the hospital for four days, my bp was so low and I was so sick the doctors started to really get worried. But by the grace of God I was okay. However, I found out I had Chrons disease. We talked and we were okay.

    A few days later as we were video chatting on the computer. I said let me see your messages. Hold your phone up to the camera. Of course he stalled and was not doing what I asked and said he is trying to get to the messages smh so since I knew he deleted stuff I asked to see his gallery since I know he loves pictures. Well, of course he became defensive saying that’s not what I originally asked to see and of course didn’t show me. I hung up in tears and for a week we didn’t talk. He came back begging and begging hard this time saying it was inappropriate joke pictures that people posted that he didn’t want me to see. Now I’m no idiot. I know that’s a lie, but what can I do? I couldn’t prove it so I moved forward.

    He started running out of money each month and every time he did of course he was nice to me. I’d wire him money, let him use my personal bank card via the internet to order food. But as soon as we’d get paid he’d go M.I.A. again. I know this story is already long but to sum this up.

    This is our last month before he returns. He did the same thing again and disappeared. Spent hundreds of dollars in bars and clubs, went to Seoul, all of this right before he serves his extra duty for two weeks for an article 15. Now I’m mad sending him photos of the bank statements asking him why, telling him I’m done… and his only response was he’s damaged goods and he’s sorry; hopefully he’ll be a better man for a real woman like me one day. I’m like, what? So he’s not even going to fight for me? We were just talking about how excited we were about seeing each other and now this?

    We didn’t talk for 9 days and he wrote me on our anniversary saying that it was bittersweet and how it’s sad we won’t make it to 5. Of course I responded upset angry. He’s telling me that we’re just two different people who want the same thing but with two different lifestyles. It’s sad but it’s the truth. When I’m away from you I like to go out, relax, chill not for women, and you don’t like that. He says he feels he has done too much damage to fix and isn’t man enough to fix my broken heart. He goes on to say he still wants this marriage but he has issues he needs to fix first. And it’s time to let this go.

    I am beyond heartbroken asking God what did I do; what didn’t I do? Weeks before I get to touch my husband he ends it? My son thinks he’s coming home and he isn’t. I don’t know what to do or think. I prayed that if there were things done that God has seen and doesn’t want me to deal with that he took him away from me. But there’s a part of me so hurt that still wants him.

    I have not contacted him since that conversation and neither has he. And I couldn’t call if I wanted because apparently that same weekend that caused all of this, he lost his phone too. I keep asking God why he doesn’t want me after all I’ve done; hes so cold now. His career is going down the drain, he’s always had some ptsd issues, and now he’s seeking help with his depression. But I still can’t understand why he wouldn’t even want to see me after all this time… and it was bad enough he never even came home for a midtour.

    I know all of this is long and I’m sorry but I have no one to really talk to. I’m praying God uses someone as a vessel to speak to me his truth and help me to find strength and understanding. Please don’t read this in judgement. Please just pray for me and if anyone knows what I feel or feels God speaks to them for me, please help me.

    • Cindy Wright from United States says:

      April, You have a husband who is prone to cheating. He is intrigued with seeing and being with multiple women –physically, emotionally, and virtually. Unfortunately, he finds ways in today’s world to act upon all of these temptations. He just doesn’t have a monogamous mindset. That’s just the way it appears to be. If you eventually reconcile with him, you have to realize this. He won’t be trustworthy. Until he absolutely “gets it” …is totally repentant and is upfront with all his activities, not allowing himself to keep secrets from you, you won’t be able to trust him.

      He also does not seem to “get it” as far as how deeply this hurts you. He is able to compartmentalize this in his mind and thinks you should too. Most women, especially wives, aren’t this way. Do I think he loves you? Yes… I believe to the degree that he can love a woman, I think he does. But he just doesn’t seem to be able to stay faithful –part of it is because he doesn’t feel that he has to. He doesn’t understand the sting of it all, and doesn’t seem to care. He needs help if he is ever going to be a good partner to anyone. I’m not sure he will get the help he needs.

      But one thing for sure, you should NOT support his bad spending habits. He is a manipulator. He wants what he wants when he wants it and is not above doing what it takes to get it. IF you get back together, you will have to be stronger about handing over all the money. He will blow it away on that, which hurts your marriage. Please don’t be naive about this.

      I DO understand your connection with him, enjoying his company, and the good times you CAN have when he’s plugged into your relationship. I’m sure he can be charming. But you need to be more street smart. First off, time will only tell when he WILL pass an STD onto you. His irresponsible behavior lends itself to him contracting one, and passing it onto someone else. And who knows when it will be a fatal one? If one isn’t careful, the odds are that it will happen… just like playing Russian Roulette, except with diseases, instead of bullets. You may have to regularly be tested for diseases. And when you don’t give him extra money, know that he will be very persuasive… and possibly mean-spirited. He’s obviously used to getting what he wants, and who knows how he will act when he can’t get it?

      I LOVE for marriages to work out. And I LOVE those who are in the military. I have great respect for both. But a marriage license is not a license to do what we want despite the vows we made. And going into an honorable profession does not make us act honorable all the time. Until your husband REALLY gets this (not just a temporary promise), you will have problems. I’m sorry to say this to you. I truly hope things will work out for you. You sound like a good-hearted person. So does your husband… but that doesn’t mean that he knows how to be a good husband and will remain faithful. I hope he will be, but it’s a matter of what he does with the choices that are presented to him every day. I pray the best for you, April… that you will receive wisdom to know what to do, and hope that you will do it.

      • April from United States says:

        Thank you Cindy for responding to my post. Everything you said is what I have felt. The heartbreak I feel almost feels so unbearable to withstand. I just feel like I’ve waited this whole year and now weeks before I get to see him, its over. I don’t know if he’s done something so terrible it can’t be undone or he just wants to be single now.

        Knowing his patterns, he always runs when he has done something. It’s like he’s instantly filled with guilt and then feels bad. However, he’ll never be honest with me, even if he’s caught he has a story. I feel some peace since I’ve been praying and at first I was mad at God because I couldn’t understand why I was being punished by not having my husband come back to me. But then I remembered I prayed for God’s will to be done in my life and not mine. If my husband was overseas committing adultery or has an STD and isn’t going to be the man he wants for me and my son, for him to take him away from me.

        I don’t know if that is what he’s doing but I feel like he is. I wish I could get the truth and answers but I’m praying for the strength, courage and wisdom to move forward even if I never get to know what he’s done.

        All my life I wanted to be a wife, I love commitment I love family and unity and being an army brat I knew a military lifestyle was what I wanted. Now I have no idea whats best for me so I have given it to God.

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