The following article was prompted by an email we received here at Marriage Missions. It concerns age gap —should it matter? We have edited it and changed the name to protect the identity of this writer.
I have an issue on my mind that bothers me about marriages. I have found lately that couples tend to use the differences in ages as a barrier to keep them apart. This is looking into the flesh, rather than what God has planned for them together. Our marriages are supposed to fulfill the purposes God has for us together. I believe that God chooses us as human beings put together to fulfill His purposes.
It’s sad that couples that have the same desire to serve the Lord, are God-fearing, compatible, and have many other healthy ingredients to have a successful marriage, stay apart because of what society thinks of them differing in ages. It’s more so if the man is younger that the woman.
Many Thanks,
A Concerned Reader
Dear Concerned:
You make several excellent points in your letter about this issue. Age differences and the role it plays in marriage can definitely be used in a “fleshly” manner. It can emotionally separate married couples more than it should from a spiritual standpoint.
But unfortunately, we live in a world where divorce is becoming a common way for couples to resolve differences. For that reason we have to be more cautious when entering into marriage.
The age differences aren’t as much of a problem when the couple is younger. It’s amazing how young love can seem to conquer all! But later on in life when the couple gets progressively older it becomes more of a problem. That is because the older spouse eventually gets into health and energy issues. Many times the younger spouse this finds too troublesome to deal with in their own stage in life.
The Problem
But in all fairness though, it really can be a problem. I look at the all energy that our younger sons have to do certain things. I can’t even imagine having to do those things at this stage in my life. If I had a younger spouse this would have to be be an issue. And it would definitely cause its share of problems.
Years ago when Biblical commitment in marriage was more steadfast, this was something that couples would deal with and not allow to separate them. But that’s not as common in today’s world. It’s tragically sad but true. As a result, there may be some couples (with large age gaps) that God would want to work in and through, that He’s not able to, because of the choices we decide to make. I’m sure this grieves His heart!
So, because of the influence of today’s world on harming marriages, I greatly caution couples contemplating marriage where there is a large age gap. They need to look very prayerfully at the reality of what the upcoming years could bring to challenge their love and commitment. It’s important to be sure beyond a shadow of doubt that they both have the commitment it would take to overcome the huge obstacles they may encounter because of the differences in their ages.
Sometimes It Does Work Out
I have seen a few good marriages where the large age gap worked out fine. They have very good marriages. But I’ve seen more where they end up disastrous. That’s why I would counsel couples to be VERY sure they’re considering marriage for more reasons than the emotional rush. It’s important to consider the possible “costs” involved up front so they work extra hard in their commitment to each other when difficulties come up. (That goes for ALL marriage, but especially for marriages in this type of situation.)
Love can be very romantic to be involved in before marrying. But true love is “patient, and kind” (as 1 Corinthians 13 talks of) even when your partner doesn’t have the desire or energy to participate in doing activities that you crave to do (as a person who is much younger). They may have done those things earlier in their life together, but their progressing age may change that.
According to 1 Corinthians 13, love “does not envy“ others (who do more youthful activities together or have more things in common than you may have). The interests of a 40 or a 50 year old most often is different than those of a 60 or 70+ year old. Progressing age brings different “problems” with it. When you grow old together, being close to the same age at each stage, it can be somewhat easier to take. But when a 25 year old marries a 45 year old, the gap physically and emotionally grows wider with each passing year. That’s just a reality of life that you need to face!
Not Rude, or Self-Seeking
Love also, is “not rude” (when you see the sags and bags that your spouse may be developing sooner than you are). It also is “not self-seeking”, especially when you realize that your spouse may not be able to “keep up” so many things when you feel a need that they do so.
Love also “is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs” (and is supportive when your spouse is no longer as exciting as they used to be). To see them nodding off to sleep in the next chair when you want to go off socializing together can happen to even younger couples. But it can be even more of a reality as our ages progress. (Of course, there are always exceptions to this. Some 70 year olds lead more vigorous lives than some 30 year olds. But that isn’t usually the norm.)
As the Bible says, love “always perseveres.” Those who marry need to deal with the reality of what they may be getting themselves into later in their marital relationship. If they aren’t sure they could persevere through these (and other trials) then they need to reconsider BEFORE marrying. That would be the honorable thing to do.
Consider the Cost
The Bible talks about “considering the cost” before you do something. In Luke 14, it talks of the person who wants to “build a tower.” It’s important for them to make sure they have enough money to complete it. Otherwise they set themselves up for failure when they aren’t able to finish to completion. It also talks of a king who is about to go out to war. He needs to “consider” if he is able to fight against all obstacles that are against him.
Marriage can be put into the same context. Make sure you and the person you are marrying have considered “the cost” of what you are about to do. If not, the honorable thing to do would be to back away before the marriage —not afterward.
A Commitment for Life
Marriage is meant by God to be a commitment for life even when difficulties develop that deeply strains their “happiness” together. If you don’t both go into marriage with the same steadfast commitment to God to make every marital situation work to the glory of God, I’d advise the couple not to marry. It’s too important to God and should be important to us as well. After all, marriage is supposed to be about God’s kingdom work together!
As Dr Emerson Eggerichs states (which we agree with),
“Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen your love and reverence, trust, and obedience for Jesus Christ. This is not about you. It’s about Christ—becoming as Christ in your character as to how you relate to each other.”
I hope my answer to you will give you some kind of insight into this type of situation. I wish I could paint a different picture of this situation. But this is the way that I see it from a marriage education standpoint —even as a Bible-living Christian.
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
PLEASE NOTE:
Since writing this original article it has been pointed out to us that some marriages with large age gaps DO work out well. And that is a great point that I should have stated stronger originally. We don’t want to discourage those who SHOULD marry to hold back. It would not give God the elbow-room to work miracles in situations He has ordained to work this way. And we definitely serve a miracle-working God!
But rather, we want those who are considering entering into this type of marriage to be prepared for the possible problems that could await them. If you’re taking a long journey and you can be better prepared ahead of time, it could work to your benefit. That’s how we hope to help you. If you plan to climb Mount Everest and you didn’t know to take along certain gear that you’d need, you’d be glad to know that ahead of time.
And Yet…
If you’re planning on climbing Mount Everest and you aren’t the type person who could withstand the rigors this type of “journey”, you would be foolish to proceed. A wrong decision could bring devastating results.
Thoughts of marrying someone can be very romantic. It’s easy to think that we can climb over any type of mountain, as long as we’re together. But we need to make sure that we’ve considered ahead of time so we prepare as best we can. Or we need to stop from proceeding any further if that would be best. We hope the above article has done that for you.
For additional information, below are links to articles that may help you in the prayerful decision-making process. Please click onto the links below to read:
• UNDERSTANDING AGE GAP RELATIONSHIPS
Plus:
• [DON’T] MIND THE AGE GAP (part 1)
• [DON’T] MIND THE AGE GAP (Part 2)
Filed under: Preparing for Marriage
(IRAN) In my point of view, all aspects should be considered for marriage, but Age Gap does matter. I believe that the best age gap is when a man is 5-12 years older than his wife. You can refer to statistics as well, although it’s not a general rule, but because of differences in maturity there should always be an age gap (with the man being older). This makes both happy and is more convenient.
(USA) I am a bit surprised by the answer, the “please note”, and the comments. What I wish to address is the initial answer, that apparently remains intact in the subsequent note and the “formulas” offered in comments. Quote: “Years ago when Biblical commitment in marriage was more steadfast…” So are we to assume that the answer is caution against the age gap, or caution against a change in the commitment and definition of “marriage”.
We seem to say that age gap WAS OK, but not today because we no longer have the commitment level we used to have. Marriage is disposable so, age gap is less “OK”. This is like saying because the law has done away with civil rights, interracial marriages are now discouraged. What should resound here, is the age gap is less the issue, and the maturity along with emotional and more importantly, spiritual commitment, that constitutes the marriage, is of far more concern than the age or whether you met the 1/2 age + 6 years formula that we find in “Bridal” magazine. This said of course acknowledging that as in any marriage, there are cause and effect that the couple, at the very least need to be aware of, or better, prepared and equipped, mentally, emotionally and spiritually, to deal with. Whether it is an inter-race, or inter-age marriage. You can even add an inter-faith (of same base) as a challenge. And most the challenges (though not all) are external… the bias of those around us…
I am soon to be 50 and married to a 32 year old woman. We are painfully aware of the “practical” implications surrounding age gap, and implications of retirement, children and so much more that should be considered. We have family that have shun us because of the age difference. But in the end, our union was blessed by God. We received blessing from our parents (yes, I asked her parents permission), our church elders and our pastor.
You indicate this is a Christ-centered website, so it stands to reason, that Christ, and his teachings, should be the center of the answer, not really man and his failure of an exorbitant divorce rate. Otherwise… heck… we may as well give up. My 3 cents…
(BOTSWANA) Thank you so much for the eye opener, this is helping a lot. I am 37 and in love with a 23 year old man. We love each other and are looking forward to having a great life together. We both serve in the house of God and what brought us together is the call of God in our life. It compliments each other and we are looking forward to serving God together. But there are times I feel I am too old for him and I don’t deserve Him. And at the same time I will think but we love each other, there isn’t anything wrong with that. Please help. I think I am confusing myself.
(KENYA) We are friends. The guy is younger by 14 years. My Christian stand is confident about the relationship. I am seeking God’s counsel on the decision when it comes to getting married. The young man is yet to declare his stand but it’s a likely inclination. I am over 40 and been waiting upon God in steadfast prayer. Many say it doesn’t matter what family and friends say (including that we are from different communities), but we don’t live in a vacuum. Please help on the right words for us in this decision-making as God wills and as it regards society.
(NIGERIA) She is 24, I’m 22. Does God really approve such commitments?
2 years is not a big age gap. 10 or above gets into issues that can get complicated (ALONG with the “normal” ones you must figure out whether you can deal with them). But even so, there is no age gap which is not insurmountable, if you both talk it through and are mature enough and able to work it through in the upcoming years.
But with 2 years, there are other “normal” issues to consider –ones that are talked about and posed in other topics, such as “Is He or She the One,” “Dealing with Parents” and “Marriage Preparation Tools” –which gives you questions to work through together. I hope you will persevere in making sure you are both compatible to commit to marriage for a lifetime.
Notice that I didn’t say, that you love each other enough –because most couples who marry will say they love each other enough (but then they allow life to slide between them and destroy that love, even though they don’t think it’s possible in the beginning). But are you compatible enough and able to work through differing issues in healthy, mature ways? And are you like-minded in your commitment and in integrity and character issues to make vows to love and honor and stay true to each other for the rest of your lives through the good times and the bad? Those are the important issues to face in deciding to marry. The topics I recommend will help you consider those issues.
(NIGERIA) Please can someone help me out from this tight condition I am into? I met someone online who is 44 years old, born the same month as me, that is to say we are Febuary children. While I am 30 years old we have many things in common. We are planing to get married in the future.
Looking at the age different will this kind of marriage work? First we are into a long distance relationship, secondly the age gap, thirdly she said she doesn’t want a child again. What are the possibilities of a great marriage between the two of us? Please, I need a reply on this post.
Just the fact that you are asking sends out a signal that you have your doubts, as well. Truthfully, there are so many red flags waving over this relationship not being ready for marriage, that it’s difficult to know where to start.
14 years is a big age difference to bridge –which can bring it’s share of difficulties (especially as she doesn’t want another child and I’m thinking you do). She has so many life experiences that you haven’t had and was a teenager when you were born. But the fact that you haven’t even spent time together in person is even more difficult. It’s so easy to have a good relationship when you are writing back and forth. You aren’t challenged in hardly any way. You can each be very easy going about everything.
You don’t know what would set her off and how she actually handles conflict. There are so many habits, potential for temper flare-ups, game-playing in conflict situations, irritating habits which you may not be aware of, how she would handle your irritating habits and her unmet expectations, etc. It’s not that you should live together first, because actually, that can cause more problems in an upcoming marriage than it can settle. But it’s important to be around each other for a prolonged period of time (at least a year) so you can interact together in one-on-one ways and work to bridge your differences (and you WILL have them).
It’s important to talk together, walk together, celebrate together, cry together, argue together, be bored together, interact with friends and family together, date each other, and see how you can work out changes in plans, etc. And you can’t do that at a distance over the internet.
When you say she “doesn’t want a child again” I’m thinking you will have children or a child (small or grown) to deal with. That can definitely bring challenges that you can’t just write about. Again, it’s important to interact with her and her child (children) and figure out the dynamics that will bring into your relationship.
IF you plan to marry, you have a lot to work out. And the fact that you are in a long-distance relationship is problematic. One of you needs to relocate near the other so you can spend time interacting and working through the various issues that will come up.
And THEN you can figure out if your age gap will be a problem for your future. I hope you’re able to find a way to be together in person long before you would consider marriage.
(NIGERIA) Thanks Cindy for your good advice. It really made my day. While she has only one son who is 24 years old not living with her, the main issue now is she is afraid whether the relationship will last. She always told me I should try to explore other options of finding younger females. But I don’t think I can live without her.
(INDIA) Hi friends. I am in very difficult situation. I am in a relationship with a girl 9 years younger than me. I am 29 and she is 20. My parents are not accepting this marriage but her parents are.
I have said to her that we cannot marry as our parents do not agree and also it may cause further problems in the future, which she is not understanding. She just says that I cannot live without you –don’t leave me. Many times I have tried to tell her this but she is not listening. Her attitude is also not good.
She says she will manage everything after marriage. But saying and doing things is completly different as my parents are also old and they need a girl with mature age to support them. What should I tell her so that she can agree with me? Please reply as I am in a lot of stress due to this.
(INDIA) Hi friends, I am 22. I love a guy who is 43. He is actually a professor in my college. I have never spoken with him in my entire life. I am scared to approach him because of this age difference. Should I go on and propose or should I just try and forget him? I am confused. But of one thing I am so sure. Right now, I love him a lot. Help me, please.
(GHANA) I am 25 years of age and am in love with a girl of 17 years. Is there any problem with it, because I truly love her.
(UNITED STATES) Kwabena– I can relate to you as I’m deeply in Love with a girl who is 7 to 8 years younger than me but we have a great chemistry and I know deep down in my heart I will marry her someday. I can’t have it any other way; she is really the only girl I can take seriously and she always puts the biggest smile on my face when she comes around… and she smells so goods and her hair is long and she is beautiful inside and out. She has passed all my tests enough about my love life though.
In this nasty, sick, twisted world we live in, you would be considered a pedophile technically since she isn’t 18 yet… and you’re over 18. But if she was 18 you could be 99 and it would be perfectly Legal. Isn’t that funny how that works? The system needs to be fixed. God never said “Go out and find someone either 1 or 2 years younger older than you or the same age other wise dont do it!! If that was the case he would have created us all the same year.
Girls mature faster than boys so in a sense she is 22… My Theory is no older than 10 years age difference because if you’re old enough to be whom ever’s parents than you might wanna reconsider and find someone closer to your age. I mean you will have kids older than them. I don’t promote age gaps, but I’m a firm believer in 2 or 3 years because the ages are closer… and most likely you will relate better.
I love her with all my heart. She is a Christian and she is beautiful and I am going to give it my all to marry her. I wish she was my age so I could ask her out already, but since I love her I will wait until she is ready. Guys can be jerks to whatever girls they choose! The love of my life, my Mother and my two sister’s let that be known.
(CANADA) Hey dear, I am 37 years old and I am interested in a 21 years old girl. I think I should walk away from her because I feel it’s not right for her to have a man my age to marry her. I even consider her love to me as an immature feeling. Yes, I love her to the point that I want her to marry youger guy who can share a lifetime peacefuly with her. It will hurt me but I care about her more than myself. By the way, we are both virgins.
Hi Samer, I am in a similar situation as you. I am 38 now and she is 23. Your post was in 2012. Truly, what happened to your relationship?
(PHILIPPINES) Hi! I’m 22 yrs old turning 23 this June and in love with a guy who’s 46 yrs old and turning 47 the same month this year. We’ve known each other for more than a month. He’s currently married and has two kids. We never expected we would end up together. We were just friends online and we both share stories and we do enjoy each other’s company a lot.
The good thing about our relationship is that we can be who we really are, no pretension at all. We both share the same thoughts in all aspects, whether it’s about sex, having kids of our own etc. We do believe in God and he even encourages me to read the Bible with him. He’s so amazing! And the fact that he loves me more than I love him is overwhelming. No one has ever treated me this way.
We haven’t seen each other personally (we’ve only seen each other on video chats) and we’re open with the fact that there maybe changes when we finally get together. We do believe that love conquers all, if you love each other you’ll learn to accept who he is now and in the future. Luckily, I’m a nurse so I always discuss with him how we should deal about our health and I’m very much willing to take care of him when he reach 70’s or 80’s. We even laugh about it knowing that soon he’ll be a lot older that I may have to do things for him.
Right now, he’s planning to have a divorce, I was so worried before thinking I had caused it. But he finally shared to me about his marriage life, he even cried when we we’re discussing about it. He tried to hold on with the marriage for the sake of his kids. I knew and I can feel how sincere he was, he’s willing to sacrifice everything just to be with me. I tried not to be overwhelmed with my emotions and always think ahead of it. I would always remind him of the possible consequences and discuss things together. I do love him even if it’s still new and I do believe God made us together. Whatever happens in the future we surrender everything to Him.
I haven’t informed my family about him, coz I knew they wouldn’t like about it especially with the age gap and knowing he’s not the Mr. Rich guy that my parents want me to be with and the fact that he’s married. So we decided to work it out first for a longer time before telling them so we could prove to them that we can survive. And that’s for us to find out if we’re really committed with each other.
Honestly Kathy, Is this a joke? Have you written a fantasy story to get people riled up thinking you’re for real about this story, when you aren’t? I hope so. I truly, truly, truly hope so. I can’t even imagine you could be that naive. Because if you’re even the least bit serious about this fantasy, you have a HUGE awakening coming at you with the force of a freight train. And the devastation is anything but pretty. I don’t even know where I would start to pick this fairytale story apart –there is so much unrealism going on, on so many levels, it’s almost mind-boggling. It’s up there with the best of them as far as disillusionment and La-la Land goes. I give you that.
All I can say is that if you think God is pleased with cheating, breaking the hearts of children and being a part of breaking apart a marriage (no matter WHAT he says –HE’S STILL MARRIED –a person who will cheat with you, will cheat on you in the future), and the list goes on and on and on, you are on a fantasy trip! I pity everyone involved (including you) if you go on another day with this love “high” that you’re involved in.
I’m sorry. I don’t normally talk like this, but Kathy, honestly? Certainly, you must be more mature than this! Certainly, you must see at least some of the holes in this and you’re pushing it away because you don’t want to acknowledge the trouble you could be getting yourself into. God didn’t create you to be a part of this type of dishonesty and falsehood. Please, please, please stand on your head for a moment, let the blood run back into it until your brain is fully functioning again, stand back up, and use your God-given brain to rethink this one. This is not a fairy tale story in the making, it’s a fantasy turning into a nightmare in the making!
I’m glad you’re reading the Bible. Please, read it for yourself and you will see Truth — truth that will set you free, not take you on a fantasy trip to no where good. I pray you will open your eyes and RUN… as the Bible says, “FLEE” while you can, before others find out about this and before this wrecks your life.
(INDIA) I am 23 years old girl and in love with a guy who is 31 years old. I just love him a lot and he loves me too but he doesn’t want to marry me because of the age gap. Should we get married? How should I convince him?
Mallika, I can’t tell you if you should marry this man. I don’t know you and I don’t know him. But if he doesn’t want to marry you because of the age gap, then there you go (even though that’s not a HUGE age gap). How should you convince him that you should marry? Pray and ask God to help you to become the woman that He created you to be. If this man is pleased with your personal growth and wants to join you in this mission, you will have a hard time keeping him away. Becoming a woman of maturity and the great qualities God can bring out in you, is much more alluring than being needy –one who spends more time trying to convince him to marry you, than being the type of woman he can grow to love even more.
(PHILLIPINES) Cindy Wright, you were right about it. It took me a long time before I could even absorb everything you said. The moment I read your post I was in-denial and tried to ignore it, but after a while I started crying and realizing what’s going on between us. Somehow I couldn’t blame him for cheating on her. There’s just a lot of reasons behind it that I never want to mention here.
But the thing is, you were right about me living in fantasy. I hate to admit that but it’s true. I thought you were just being rude towards me, but now I feel better and thankful for being real. We both talked about it and decided to think it over. I’m hoping and praying that we’ll be able to find the answer before we could even make another mistake. Thank you so much for the time you’ve to respond to my post.
Kathy, I love your heart. And I love your ability to receive truth. That shows you are a woman God can talk to and reason with and work within. Please keep leaning in that direction. You are on a MUCH better path. I pray the best for you.
As I said before, I never talk like that to anyone. It surprised me (and my husband, as well) but I knew it was what I needed to write to wake you up from your dream. I detest rudeness. There is too much of that going on in the Internet and in life, in general. But I also know that Jesus didn’t mince words and would sometimes appear harsh in what He would say to people, because he cared about them. I’m sure He figured it was the only thing that was appropriate, in the situation. That’s why I didn’t erase what I wrote (although I was tempted).
Please know Kathy, that anyone you meet on the Internet, can type out a much different picture than it is in real life. I’m not saying this guy is a liar, or set out to deceive you. I don’t know him. But neither do you. There are always 2 sides to everything. And since you are not in his life and you see his relationship with his wife at home and outside of his home, you are only receiving the way HE sees it and types it (or speaks it on Skype). But NO MATTER WHAT, you are allowing him to invest energy he should be using to be a peace-maker at home (even if it’s just with his 2 kids, in loving them through the turmoil). Please don’t be a part of interrupting that possibility.
Even if he is the nicest guy in the world and he is being hurt by his wife in ways that are horrible, you should not be entertaining him. He is not yours to have. He made a vow to this woman. He needs to direct his attention away from any other woman (because whether he wants to be or she wants him to be), he IS a married man. He needs to find safe outlets for his pent up hurts and frustrations. And talking on the internet to younger gals (or any gal) is NOT what he is to be doing, unless he is either with his wife (and they are ministering as a team) or he is with someone else, who will make sure nothing inappropriate is being said or implied. He needs to guard his heart. He is vulnerable. And you need to guard your heart, because obviously, you are too.
I pray the best for you Kathy. I pray this is the beginning of a journey to find out who God created you to be, and if you are to ever marry, I pray you will find someone who will love you as God loves you.
(USA) Sorry Ladies that I responded to the first thing Kathy wrote before seeing this. It struck a serious nerve. Good for you Kathy!
Do let me say that people that cheat always tear their spouses down. It’s their way of justifying their lust and behavior.
My husband now admits he could never take back all the horrible things he said of me. If there was any truth it was a perverted version under the devil’s control and I was the best friend he has ever had and the only female that has not used him for money.
He told her that I was so sweet, soft and beautiful, he could not believe I would have him back after trash like her (me either but I don’t want the devil to take any more than he already has) and it shows in the way he treats me now, 1.5 years later. His grief is nearly as intense as mine. He is so full of regret and shame but that is evidence of true repentance.
Prayers for you Kathy. Stay on track with the Lord and He will bring the perfect “REAL” man into your life that is just for you! Love, me ><>
(ZIMBABWE) I trust my judgement as far as my married life is concerned. But I am worried about my sisters who are married somewhere but they are not approving what I did. They are saying a lot of things that might embarrass my wife. How can I deal with them without causing more problems? I want them to understand the truth but I don’t want to hurt them. Please help me find the best solution.
(ZIMBABWE) My parents and sisters are not approving my marrying a lady two years older than me. What do I do?
Dear Needmore, From what you’ve written, the main “problem” you SEEM to have going for you is that you have a family that perceives that there are problems with this person you want to marry. What the deep-down problems are, I’m not sure. Surely, it can’t be the two year difference. That’s not a real problem unless one of you is under-age or they are just being petty about it all. It doesn’t matter who is the older one. It matters that both of you are mature and growing in the maturity.
Obviously, you don’t see the problems they see. I’m not sure if their perceptions are based on truth, where there is something to be concerned about if you marry (and you are blinded to the issues you face), or if it’s just the fact that you have interfering relatives. I don’t know you and I don’t know this gal and I don’t know them, so I’m not sure.
What you have to determine is what you’re going to do about all of this. The first thing I encourage you to do, is to do some real soul searching. IS there something to what your sisters and parents are trying to tell you? Or is it that their characters are flawed and they’re the types of relatives who’ll interfere no matter who you’re with?
If that’s the case (where they’re the interfering types) –no matter who you picked to marry, then you have to know that your parents and sisters will not stop causing problems unless and until you draw the line in telling them and convincing them that you will not tolerate their trying to cause division between you.
From what you’ve written previously, you obviously were hoping for an easier solution to this where you could have “magic” words to speak to your sisters and for some reason they would see the light and back away and all would be peaceful in your family again, plus in this relationship you have with this woman. But that isn’t going to happen.
As much as you want it to go that way, the reality is that you have relatives who will keep after you until you either break your relationship off with this woman, or you lay it on the line that you won’t tolerate their behavior. Please go to the topic, “Dealing with Parents” and and also, “In Laws” and read through the quotes and through the articles that seem to apply. You will find tips among all of that, which you can glean through and use. Some of the advice given won’t apply, others will, and others you may need to alter.
But what it all comes down to, is a choice you have to make. Either you go the way of your sisters and parents (seeing that there may be some truth to what they’re saying), or you go the way of this woman and stop your sisters, to the best of your ability. They’re YOUR relatives. You’re the one to deal with them. It’s your responsibility to set the precedence in not allowing them to make continual problems for you, if you decide to marry her. You may even have to move away from them, if they won’t stop. Please tell them that. Tell them that you want peace in your family, but there can be no peace if they keep doing what they have been doing. You can’t have them causing problems.
With that said, however, I will tell you of a problem we’re having because of a tragic marriage situation in my family. One of my family members met a gal and we could all see that she was going to stir up problems. Everyone of us saw that she would divide us as a family, if this family member married her. She appeared to be one thing to this family member, but was quite different when he was out of the room. For that reason, he couldn’t see it. Eventually, we tried to tell him that. But he didn’t believe us and got mad. His stance was, we either accepted her or we would never see him again. His choice was that he would stand by her. So many of us backed away. Others walked away. They saw the trouble she would stir up and they wanted nothing to do with it.
Well, he married her and it’s been HORRIBLE. She’s been a trouble-maker from the start –even worse than we thought. We’ve gone through years of this. The family is absolutely divided. Many family members won’t be with him, because of her. They just can’t take the contentiousness and negative drama she creates. My husband and I have hung in there, but it’s been more difficult than I could describe. We take the mess she creates, so we can see this family member. If we didn’t love him so much, we would have walked away too. And now this family member has failing health and this woman is his care-taker. It’s a mess –really abusive. All of this is sad… so very sad. He dated some really nice gals. But she isn’t one of them. We’ve tried and tried to love her, but it’s hard to love a porcupine that keeps sticking you with barbs. Still, we try, and pray for her and for them together.
I tell you all of this to say that sometimes we don’t see what others see. Truly look at this from all angles, if you can. You will pay a price either way. This doesn’t look like the type of situation that will resolve itself so all are happy. If you still believe they are wrong (and it IS possible –I don’t know), and you want to eventually marry her, then know that you may be forced to break away from the family. Once you marry, she is the one you are to choose. If they can’t deal with it, then division is inevitable. I’m sorry to tell you this, but that’s the way I see it. How I pray that truth is revealed –to you and to your family. I truly hope the best for each of you.