Can Unequally Yoked Marriages Be Successful?
Many women in unequally yoked marriage relationships mistakenly believe that their marriage can never be successful or satisfying. They think that because they disagree on the necessity or level of religious commitment, they will be unable to agree on anything else. However, that is a defeatist attitude.
Spirituality is an important part of marriage, but there are many other things that go into making up a full, vital marriage relationship. Remembering the full circle of marriage is a real challenge; it does not happen by accident.
When I first got saved, Christ, the Bible, the church, and spiritual aspects of life were the only things I thought about. I just became this big spiritual person. I forgot about the rest of my marriage. I kept thinking, “My husband and I really don’t have anything in common. I love the Lord, and he loves the world.”
When he talked about going out and doing something recreational, I didn’t want to go with him. I couldn’t imagine him going anyplace that I would want to go. All of the people that we used to call friends were unsaved, so I didn’t want to be around them anymore. Why would a spouse want to change if the only examples of spirituality were from a wife who was no longer fun to be with?
In addition to the spiritual dimension of marriage, there are also parental, financial, relational, psychological, volitional (which is your will), emotional, physical, recreational, and vocational aspects of the marriage relationship, as well.
Unfortunately, I was stuck on religion and didn’t have time for anything else. I just kept thinking, “If my husband isn’t saved, then the marriage cannot work. If my husband isn’t saved, how can we go out and have fun? What kind of relationship could we have? I don’t know if I should tithe or not tithe. What should I do with my money? Should I ask him for money from his check?” For me, the marriage relationship was almost in a cloud. If it didn’t say religion in front of it or if I couldn’t find a verse for it, then it wasn’t relevant.
When I started to identify basic marriage problems as yoke problems, I also discovered that my problems had more to do with my negative attitude and my approach toward my husband than with his relationship (or lack of relationship) with Christ. The Lord began to deal with me and show me how self-righteous I had become. Then I was able to go back and try to approach my husband again, to ask for forgiveness in certain areas, to try to rebuild our relationship, and to rediscover the other areas of our marriage that did work.
…There is a lot more to marriage than just the religious aspect. you don’t want to get stuck in one place thinking, “Because my husband isn’t saved, nothing else matters.” You can develop intimacy and togetherness in other areas. There are other things that you can do. Remember the full circle of marriage and see where you can expand your relationship. Ask yourself, “What happened to these other areas of my marriage? Do I need to go back and work on some things?”
…It is indeed a high calling to be in an unequally yoked marriage relationship. Not everyone can handle it. Some women say, “when we got married, I didn’t know any better; we weren’t saved.”
To counter this attitude, I often encourage clients to spend more time looking at the things they saw in their husband when they first met him. Take time to remember what attracted you to him in the first place. There was a reason why you got married.
Some people were married because there was a child involved. Maybe you wanted your child to have a father in the home. Even if that was your only reason, many of the characteristics it takes to be a good father are similar to those needed to become a good husband. But now that you have him, regardless of why you have him, you can learn to love and honor him.
When my husband asks me, “Would you marry me again?” the answer is an emphatic “Yes!” I really would. I love the man. I have learned to look beyond his faults the way God looks beyond mine. I have learned to look past all the little things —like picking up clothes (even though he picks up after me). It is those little things that become annoying when they occur on a regular basis and make you think, “Will I ever get through this?”
Instead, I ask God to help me see all that my husband will become. I plan to hang in here until the end, and he knows that. I believe in marriage until death do us part. The key is not to kill each other in the process.
The above article comes from the book, Can Two Walk Together? Encouragement for Spiritually Unbalanced Marriages written by Sabrina D. Black, published by Lift Every Voice. This is a wonderful tool to provide those in unequally yoked relationships with hope and help in dealing with disappointment, hurts, and heartaches. Sabrina Black brings her counseling expertise to bear on this difficult subject, assisting couples with creating and maintaining a vibrant, growing relationship despite their differences. She also has a web site at www.sabrinablack.com.
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