Marriage Missions International

RESOLVING CONFLICT GUIDELINES – With Scriptures

Read through each guideline and the corresponding Bible verses and discuss as a married couple if they would be good to use to set boundaries that you can and should live by whenever you encounter points of tension you need to resolve with each other. You can then put together your own guidelines that will best suit your needs.

We will start by praying together for tender hearts and wisdom—committing to come together in a spirit of humility and reconciliation —considering the health of our marriage as more important than our individual interests.

  • Psalm 139:23-24 Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting.
  • Proverbs 2:1-5My son, if you accept my words and store up my commands within you, turning your ear to wisdom and applying your heart to understanding, and if you call out for insight and cry aloud for understanding, and if you look for it as for silver and search for it as for hidden treasure, then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God.
  • Proverbs 3:7Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and shun evil.
  • Proverbs 11:2When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.
  • Proverbs 16:18Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.
  • Proverbs 26:12Do you see a man wise in his own eyes? There is more hope for a fool than for him.
  • Philippians 2:3-4 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourself. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.
  • James 3:17-18Wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness.
  • 1 Peter 1:13 Prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed.

We commit to handle ourselves with maturity being quick to listen and slow to speak —reaching for the goal of continually trying to better understand each other.

  • James 1:19My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.
  • Proverbs 1:5Let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance.
  • Proverbs 10:8The wise in heart accept commands, but a chattering fool comes to ruin.
  • Proverbs 15:18A hot-tempered man stirs up dissension, but a patient man calms a quarrel.
  • Proverbs 15:28The heart of the righteous weighs its answers, but the mouth of the wicked gushes evil.
  • Proverbs 16:23A wise man’s heart guides his mouth, and his lips promote instruction.
  • Proverbs 18:13He who answers before listening—that is his folly and his shame.
  • Proverbs 18:17The first to present his case seems right, till another comes forward and questions him.
  • Proverbs 29:20Do you see a man who speaks in haste? There is more hope for a fool than for him.
  • 1 Corinthians 13:11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.
  • 1 Corinthians 14:20Brothers, stop thinking like children. In regard to evil be infants, but in your thinking be adults.

We will speak the truth in love respectfully honoring each other’s feelings.

  • Proverbs 16:23A wise man’s heart guides his mouth, and his lips promote instruction.
  • Proverbs 10:29The lips of the righteous know what is fitting, but the mouth of the wicked only what is perverse.
  • Proverbs 12:18Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.
  • Proverbs 17:27A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered.
  • Proverbs 18:2A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions.
  • Ephesians 4:15Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is that Head, that is, Christ.
  • Ephesians 4:29Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

We won’t allow our discussion to escalate into yelling or name-calling. And we will refrain from provoking each other by delivering “cheap shots” —sarcasm, innuendos, and rudeness which complicates the issues. If that happens we’ll call for a time-out and come back together at an agreed upon time.

  • Proverbs 4:24Put away perversity from your mouth keep corrupt talk far from your lips.
  • Proverbs 13:3He who guards his lips guards his life, but he who speaks rashly will come to ruin.
  • Proverbs 8:7-8My mouth speaks what is true, for my lips detest wickedness. All of the words of my mouth are just; none of them is crooked or perverse.
  • Proverbs 18:21 — The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.
  • Proverbs 29:11A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control.
  • 1 Corinthians 13:5Love is not rude, it is not self-seeking; it is not easily angered; it keeps no record of wrongs.
  • Galatians 5:15If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.
  • Ephesians 4:26, 31In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.
  • 1 Peter 2:11Therefore, rid yourselves of all malice and all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and slander of every kind.
  • Titus 3:2Remind the people to slander no one, to be peaceable and considerate, and to show true humility toward all men.

We commit to MEAN what we say —so neither one of us is put into the position of being expected to read the other person’s mind.

  • Proverbs 11:3The integrity of the upright guides them, but the unfaithful are destroyed by their duplicity.
  • Proverbs 21:28A false witness will perish, and whoever listens to him will be destroyed forever.
  • Matthew 5:37Simply let your “Yes” be “Yes”, and your “No,” “No”; anything beyond this comes from the evil one.
  • James 5:12Above all, my brothers, do not swear—not by heaven or by earth or anything else. Let your “Yes” be yes, and your “No,” no or you will be condemned.

We will stick to the subject on hand —not allowing our discussion to sidetrack onto any other grievance at this time. (Other issues can be dealt with at another time.)

  • Proverbs 4:25-26Let your eyes look straight ahead, fix your gaze directly before you.
  • 1 Peter 4:7The end of all things is near. Therefore be clear minded and self-controlled so that you can pray.

We will avoid using “never” and “always” statements —seeking to be accurate, truthful, and realistic in what we say.

  • Proverbs 11:1The Lord abhors dishonest scales, but accurate weights are his delight.
  • Proverbs 21:23He who guards his mouth and his tongue keeps himself from calamity.

We will work not to judge each other—but rather seek to express our own feelings over the matter.

We will speak to each other in “I feel” statements (explaining our own perspective) rather than in “you” statements pointed at our spouse accusing them of feelings they may or may not have. (An example of this would be: “I feel lonely when you’re gone so much,” rather than “You never come home.”)

  • Proverbs 15:28The heart of the righteous weighs its answers, but the mouth of the wicked gushes evil.
  • Matthew 7:1-2Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

We will refrain from playing the “blame game”— and will each look for the plank in our own eye—rather than the speck in our spouse’s.

  • Proverbs 16:2All a man’s ways seem innocent to him, but motives are weighed by the Lord.
  • Proverbs 21:2All a man’s ways seem right to him, but the Lord weighs the heart.
  • Proverbs 19:3It is to a man’s honor to avoid strife, but every fool is quick to quarrel.
  • Matthew 7:1-5Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother; “Let me take the speck out of your eye,” when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.
  • 1 Peter 3:8Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.

We will readily apologize and sincerely ask for forgiveness for whatever way that we have hurt our spouse and for whatever tension we’ve caused in our marital relationship by our behavior.

  • Matthew 5:23If you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.
  • Matthew 6:14For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.
  • Luke 17:3-4If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him. If he sins against you seven times a day, and seven times comes back to you and says, “I repent,” forgive him.

We will work to forgive each other as Christ has forgiven us — never again reminding our spouse of the pain for which we’ve said we’ve forgiven them. And we’ll make daily choices not to dwell on those painful thoughts in the future.

  • Matthew 5:9Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.
  • Romans 12:18If it is possible as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.
  • Romans 14:19Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification.
  • 2 Corinthians 10:5We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.
  • Ephesians 4:32Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
  • Colossians 3:13Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
  • Hebrews 12:14-15Make every effort to live in peace with all men to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.
  • 1 Peter 5:16Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.

We will end our time together in prayer giving thanks for what we’ve learned about our relationship with each other. We will each ask God to bless our spouse and help us to be a blessing to them knowing that is our mission because of our marriage vows.

  • Proverbs 16:3Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed.
  • Philippians 1:9-10And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ.
  • Colossians 3:15Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace.
  • Hebrews 13:20May the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ.
  • 1 Thessalonians 5:17-18Pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
  • James 5:16Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.
  • 1 Peter 3:8-9 — Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.

The above guidelines came to us from various sources, some suggested, some our own, and some from other sources that had no authors attached (so we can’t give proper credit to them). We pray they will help you work to resolve your own relational conflicts within your marriage.

There is a less detailed version of this document in the Communication section of this web site. We hope that you’ll review it together, going through each point with the corresponding scriptures and discuss what it would mean to your relationship if you made a covenant to use these as your guidelines whenever you come upon points of tension that you need to resolve with each other.

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Comments

4 Responses to “RESOLVING CONFLICT GUIDELINES – With Scriptures”
  1. Marla says:

    (USA)  THANK YOU.

  2. Michelle says:

    (UNITED STATES)  I love this Bible Study! I need this type of guidance in my life.

  3. Ryan says:

    (PHILIPPINES) I have been so blessed by these tips. My wife and I are a young couple and we are still learning to resolve our conflicts in ways that glorify God. Reading (and someday applying) these tips is a definite advantage over figuring things out as we go. Thank you for your ministry and may God bless you more.

  4. Pavrone says:

    (USA) That’s really encouraging and I needed that. Whenever I go to weddings I tell them both “always remember how you feel today and the promises you made.” If you two beautiful examples do that with the way you wish to honor God already, you cannot fail. Always remember, God put you together as best friends. Resist the devil and he will flee. Thank you for sharing that with me in need. Love and prayers for your godly lives and family.

    If you ever get the chance, read the love poems of Solomon. I hate that he had so many wives and concubines, all kings did back then but I believe by his words that there was one woman (makes no sense but I’m just listening to the LORD) he felt more strongly towards than the others. God bless you, I’m sure you are making the LORD so proud. Hang in there >

Marriage Missions International