Should I Date While I Am Separated from My Spouse?

“Should I date while I am separated?” How many times have I heard that question? And, how many times have I given a hard answer? “If you are not free to marry, you are not free to date!” I first read that statement in Britton Wood’s book, Singles Want to Be the Church, Too. Mr. Wood has worked with singles and separated persons longer than anyone in his denomination.

After several years of counseling the separated, I am more convinced than ever that Britton Wood is right. When you start dating someone else while you are separated, you make reconciliation more difficult. The more you date, the muddier the water becomes.

I know that you have needs; you are lonely. Sometimes the load seems unbearable. I know that dating while separated is accepted, even encouraged, in our society. But most of those who are dating will never be reconciled. They will be divorced.

Dating is a prelude to remarriage, not therapy for reconciliation. Certainly you need friends. You need a listening ear. You need people who care and help bear the load, but the dating context is not the best place to find such help.

You are extremely vulnerable during these days of separation. Unfortunately there are those of the opposite sex who would like to take advantage of your vulnerability. Although pretending to be concerned about you, there are busy satisfying their own desires.

I have seen many men and women devastated by such an experience. Your own emotions are erratic, and it would be easy for you to get infatuated with anyone who treats you with dignity, respect, and warmth.

Have you noticed the number of people who get married the day after they are divorced? Obviously they have been dating during separation. If the separation period is a time to seek reconciliation, why spend energy in an activity that leads to divorce and remarriage? Separation is not tantamount to divorce. We are still married while we are separated, and we ought to so live, whether or not our spouse complies.

I know this is difficult to accept, but I believe the present trend of open dating immediately after separation must be deterred. Such activity encourages and contributes to the increasing divorce rate.

If you believe in the power of human choice, then you must concede that your estranged spouse may well turn from his or her estrangement and seek reconciliation. You want to be prepared for that day if it comes. Dating someone else in not the way to be prepared. Develop friends, but refuse romantic involvement until the fate of your marriage is determined.

The above article comes from the book, Hope For the Separated: Wounded Marriages Can Be Healed, written by Dr Gary Chapman, published by Moody Publishers. This book deals with the question of dating while separated, how to relate to your children during this time, and ways to improve communication. Assignments are given to encourage growth both as individuals and as a couple. The ultimate value comes not in reading but in applying truth. It’s a practical book for both the separated husband and wife.


Filed under: Separation and Divorce

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339 responses to “Should I Date While I Am Separated from My Spouse?

  1. My wife of 23 years is having an affair with a man from another state. I’m not sure how many times they’ve actually had physical contact, but at least twice that I know of. They are emotionally attached and they say they love each other. I’m sleeping in the guest room now and my two teenage daughters know something is up but we haven’t told them. I found out about the affair in June. I’m struggling to move forward but don’t want to lose everything we built together for the past 23 years. My wife is so resentful of me for not being there for her emotionally that she hates me. I do not want to date anyone right now but I need female companionship someone to talk to at least. Any ideas?

    1. It’s difficult for a woman to live alone especially if there is a small kid involved. I’m trying my best to make ends meet… my husband left me for another woman… just because she is rich and I’m not. But this has made me even stronger. I have a daughter. She is 5… my support and reason to move on.

  2. My husband and I have been married for 31 years (the last 2 years separated). When I found out about the affair, he said he wanted to go to his brothers to stay because he needed to think. He never came home and 7 months later he moved in with the woman he was having an affair with. A year later they broke up because he cheated on her and she kicked him out. He ran away and never came back.

    We went golfing twice in the past 2 years, and that was the only thing he would do with me. He came over for family functions with our daughters, and we have been cordial and nice to one another. I’ve aligned myself up with God’s word that He hates divorce and wants reconciliation. He was baptized several years ago, and we went to a Bible study for a couple of years. I saw that there was something wrong with our relationship when he began to shut me out by not talking, etc. I think he would have continued to keep the affair a secret until it ran its course had I not started digging and found out about it and then confronted him.

    I desire that he repent and come back to a relationship with the Lord more than anything and that we be reconciled. He has yet to file for divorce and I feel like I’m living in limbo, waiting on God to move in our situation with a miracle. So why have I shared this? It’s because I’m lonely. All my friends are busy with their husbands and families -and I just feel like a third wheel doing something with a couple. I don’t have anyone around who shares my same interests. Help! I’m lonely and miss my husband and doing the activities we enjoyed doing together.

    1. Roxanna, I share your pain. My husband just left me 3 weeks ago. He is currently living with a girl young enough to be his daughter. I’m very disgusted with both of their actions but I want him back. We’ve been married over 25 years. I too am very lonely and am seeking God’s love to help me through this. I’m praying for my husband that God will help him realize that what he’s doing is wrong in so many ways.

      No matter what the outcome I want my husband to get help. He is being very selfish, it’s all about him right now he doesn’t even care that his daughter has comepletely disowned him.

    2. My husband slept and moved in with someone else during our separation but now wants the marriage

  3. Here is the most basic question…why would we even contemplate a “separation” when the scripture stands opposed to them? Why would Paul be so clear as to say that wives are not to separate from their husbands and if they do husbands are not to seek divorce? Do you think the Holy Spirit knew that women would ultimately seek 80% of all separations and that 88% would end in divorce? Certainly!

    I have recently moved from my house following a time when my wife, against advice of our Christian counselor, had moved away with our daughter. Other than typical marriage disagreements – certainly not violence or scandal – there is no true justification for this action. Both sides of our family met and attempted to head this off but to no avail. I have been advised by many to stay where I am and let m wife deal with the stresses of trying to find housing, schools and income. Finally, just a few moments ago, it became very clear what path I must choose as a “Godly” man – I’ve written my wife to let her know that although I am sure that separation violates God’s sovereign will and purpose for our marriage, I will be out of our house by Sunday evening so she and our daughter can have the safety and comfort of a home they know and love. Divorce or reconciliation regardless, at least my children will know that dad did everything he could and left no stone unturned in seeking reconciliation. I pray that God will withhold his wrath such as David and Solomon experienced when they chose conscious sin over obedience…I have no place to go; this is a tiny town and I must stay close to my work. I have no extra money. I believe that this is just where God wants me.

    1. God bless you my brother. Now that’s a true soldier and a true man in a woman’s eye but above all a TRUE MAN OF GOD. I take my hat off to you. I wish my husband did the same although he was the one that committed the crime. Pride and lust prevents so many people from doing the right thing. Great to know there are still some godly men around. God will honour and bless you for the humility and compassion you’ve shown your family. God’s Bless.

  4. My husband had ended our marriage because he began an affair with another woman. When I found out, he asked me to leave and she has moved in. He has asked for legal separation but is not interested in getting a divorce as it’s too expensive and he does not intend to marry this woman. They have been married 2 times now.

    I long to be reconciled but am assured this won’t happen anytime soon, if at all, as he is infatuated with this woman. What am I meant to do in the mean time? I have lost a husband who is with someone else, I am alone, abandoned and not even divorced and, it seems there’s no chance of reconciliation. I can’t afford to divorce him on grounds of adultery.

    It just seems I lose all around. Is God not for the abandoned at all? It just seems it’s all about being meek and a doormat whilst the erring spouse (whom I still love with all my heart and soul) gets away with it all. It’s hard to see God being active in all this.

    1. Dear Caroline, I’m so very sorry for the painful time you are going through right now. This is not right, in any way, shape, or form. I will never understand how someone can give such solemn vows of love and commitment on their wedding day to God and the one they are marrying and eventually thinks it’s fine to see someone else and even move in with them. What are we, if we can’t keep our promises–especially such sacred ones? My heart truly cries for you and grieves with you.

      As far as what you can do about this –especially in the face of all you have lost and are losing? I can’t kid you, honestly, I have to say, I’m not sure as to the specifics. But I don’t believe that chasing after your husband will do any good (if you’re tempted). It will only complicate matters all the more –throwing them closer together, rather than waking him up. I believe the only thing you CAN do is to abide in keeping your promises, doing what you can to find something good to occupy your time, praying, and abiding. I know those seem like easy words… I’m truly not just trying to give you “easy words” –I know beyond a shadow of doubt that this will be most difficult. But what alternatives do you have? Cheat back? Revenge?

      If again, you are tempted, whatever you do, please don’t allow yourself to believe the lie that because you hurt so badly, solutions to cheat and do that which you should not, are acceptable. They are not. As someone once said, “Your greatest temptation to sin is when someone first sins against you. But THEIR sin never justifies YOUR sin. Fighting your mate’s irresponsibility with irresponsibility of your own is like pouring gasoline on a fire; it just makes things that much more explosive, that much worse.” So, please hold steady to that, which is good, even if your husband doesn’t.

      Other alternatives would be to scream, cry, beg, and plead to your husband who has closed his heart to you at this time. Those choices wouldn’t work either. Those methods would just make you more upset and add fuel to the fire of having your husband step over you and past you even farther. You would be laying yourself out there to be stepped on even worse! The best thing to do would be to be “steadfast and immovable” as far as doing what is right and also in trusting God, even during dark times –times when you can’t understand why He is allowing things to go in the direction they are.

      Remember, God is not finished yet. Just because you don’t see His activity, it doesn’t mean that He’s not up to something. Sometimes, some of God’s greatest moments are seen AFTER (sometimes long after) dark times when all seems to be lost and He appears to be not paying attention. Remember the cross and all that went on there? Remember Esther, in the Bible, when it seemed like her people would all be killed and injustice would prevail? It all turned around, as people prayed and were patient. I recently studied the book of Esther with Beth Moore. She said some interesting things that might help you, as you pray about them. She said: “God never hangs a veil over our understanding accidentally. He is intentional. There is a reason. And the reason may be that He is calling you to faith.”

      Caroline, God didn’t cheat on you –your husband did. God gave him a free will (just as he gives you one)… but your husband has used his free will for evil. It’s not God’s intention for him to do that. But please don’t think your husband and this woman will “get away with it all”… The last page is not turned. When my dad left my mom for another woman, emptying their savings, and banking accounts –leaving my mom penniless with 4 children (with me being a young teenager with 3 younger siblings), all looked lost. I can’t even start to go into all the dark details. But my mom eventually gathered herself up, found jobs to work to support us, and worked on herself, and she did her best so she was able to take her eyes off of my dad. She left my dad to God and instead busied herself in making the best of a bad situation.

      The strange thing is that eventually my dad woke up, saw what an outstanding, wonderful woman my mom was, left the other woman, and pleaded his way back into my mom’s life (and ours). He never cheated again, and loved her to her dying day. I can’t guarantee you that this will happen to you, but I CAN tell you that if you hold onto your faith, look to grow your faith in Him, you CAN’T go wrong. Eventually, you will head in a better direction than you ever could have if you would have gone in the other direction and if you abandon your faith. Faith is: F.A.I.T.H. = Forsaking All I Trust Him. It’s not faith, if it’s all predictable. Remember Caroline, God knows what it is to be abandoned by those He loves. He knows what it is to have them be unfaithful to Him. He also knows how to redeem that, which seems lost, and that, which seems impossible that it could ever go in a good direction again. Trust Him. He loves you and will never abandon you.

      A few more things that Beth Moore said in the Bible Study of Esther comes to mind to repeat to you. She said, “Esther came to what many would call her ‘defining moment. …It’s important to be on the watch, for what ours is as well. …You may be one brave decision away from an important step in your destiny.” This appears to be a defining moment for you Caroline. When it all seems to go wrong, when darkness is upon you, will you stand up and do what is right and good, despite it all, or will you run away and allow yourself to become a bitter, faithless, depressive person? As Beth Moore said (in the Esther study), “We can find our significance and satisfaction in the shelter of the Most High” if we allow ourselves to. Yes, you have reason to become bitter… but will you? This is a defining moment for you when you’re up against the wall of disbelief and unfairness. I’ve seen many, many fall away… and oh, how sad that is. But I’ve seen some stand up and say, “this will NOT take me down. I was created for more than this and I WILL get past this, for the better, not bitter… not allowing darkness to overcome the Light.” And oh, how much they have inspired many, including me, who have looked on. Yes, you can cry and mourn for a time, but eventually, you need to make some pivotal decisions as to how you will conduct your life.

      There are a few last things I want to share with you that Beth Moore said, because I think that they will be important to helping you “wait” out what God wants to do in and through you, despite all that is being done to you right now. She said, “Our culture is training us for impatience (impatience, when it comes to anything we think God should hurry up and tell us, or do for us). But if we will not wait upon the Lord, we will not fulfill our destiny. … Please know that if God puts a stay on things, something is up… things in heaven are coming into play with things on earth.” … “We will lose our strength when we wait upon the event, but our strength will be renewed when we wait upon the Lord.” I hope you will. I pray for you and hope along with you –that God will renew your strength and your hope.

      1. Thank you for sharing these words of encouragement! A blessing to all that read them for sure. God Bless!

      2. My husband got into a relationship with a younger women and 2 kids it really broke me down and I started drinking everyday. Tt didn’t help – it got worse. After reading this I’m going to give it to God and move on thank you.

    2. I know exactly what you’re feeling and going through. I pray for your strength that God will bless you, because this is not easy. Stay strong.

      1. Caroline, I am there also. My husband of 14 yrs , cheated on me throughout the marriage. My supporting the family thru the 2 pregnancies while he sat on his butt not working the first 3-4 yrs in beginning of our marriage. But I still held fast to “forgive to be forgiven’ mentality.

        He has now abandoned the children and I and moved to another state with a woman with 3 kids from 3 different men. The loyalty, trust, forgiveness for the transgressions over the years don’t mean anything to him. He has in effect, put them completely out of his mind. The years of us struggling from welfare to him making a six figure income are meaningless to him. He tells me he isn’t capable of empathy, no one gave him any growing up.

        His mother stayed with his alcoholic violent father…She is in the medical profession in pediatrics and is ‘supposed’ to report abuse. She didn’t protect her own child. So now this is the creation she raised to foster off to the world. She condones his behavior, even to the extent of telling our 13yr old son that ‘Its dad’s decision to move/leave us to find ‘happiness’ with this OW he left us for in another state.

        The OW isn’t the first time he cheated; she was the 4th that I was aware of when he did leave us. Since then with working thru paperwork for the divorce, I have found copious amounts of receipts of cheating(websites, porn sites, posting his pic on hookup/dating sites). Does it hurt? YES it hurts VERY MUCH to know I gave him forgiveness and benefit of a doubt, and took his word that he wasn’t doing anything. Telling me he couldn’t/doesn’t feel like having sex with me because he knew I didn’t trust him.

        HELLO! You have cheated, you are the one who needs to come clean and stop your abuses and make reparations to mend this. Gas-Lighting anyone? Then to find out he and her and all her friends are mocking me on FB with their alternative life (secret) profiles. Making jokes at my unknowing of their affair. My MIL friending her.

        When DOES God take revenge? Possibly never. You have to find a way to let that go. Do use the NO CONTACT RULE. People like this will get away with any bad form of behavior they want. There are too many people who condone/cover people being CHEATING LIARs. Adultery is a word that is laughed at because Everyone is doing it…Not! Maybe everyone in their circle, but definitely not in my circle.

        You have to turn your back on the person. Let’s face it they turned their back on you repeatedly thru out the marriage every time they cheated. Learn to never, ever sacrifice yourself to someone who hasn’t proven themselves. Learn to never trust anyone.

        People with NPD can have great patience in winning their prey. Whatever your greatest desires are, is what they will mirror to your wants. They LOVE to play Knight in Shining armor to single desperate moms/women. Strong women with low self esteem are easy pickings, because he is an “answer to her prayers.”

        She and her friends and family think she has finally found a Good One, The JackPOT of boyfriends, and OH how the NPD pampers and spoils with diamonds, designer purses, plush expensive house/home wares, luxurious vacations luring in with all that the needy OW hoped for. (Mind you, he denied the wife and kids these) He makes the OW kids priority over his own with the same spoiling machinations.

        The wife at home not knowing he could be this generous because he never treated her this way. The NPD even steals his own children’s things when he finally does abandonment and gives them to OW kids.(fact) OH yes, the NPD will definitely make the new OW think that the wife is soo stupid for letting him get away. The wife couldn’t possibly understand the NPD, because she (OW) understands him on a Professional level that the wife is too stupid/uneducated to possibly deserve him.

        The NPD showers the OW on how Smart, Intelligent, Wonderful the OW is compared to the wife.. Not knowing Dr.Jekyll/Mr.Hyde… the way the wife and kids have lived in with Mr. Hyde. The wife got the emotional abuse, the verbal abuse, the mental abuse, financial abuse then eventually to drive away the wife for good… physical abuse.

        The wife and kids are the ones who do truly ‘Know’ him as Mr. Hyde. They were the ones who the NPD neglected and ignored weekend after weekend for years. When the NPD travels for work, no phone calls for the wife nor children, but the OW and her kids get what he denied for his own family. The OW hasn’t seen what the wife and kids have seen nor lived it. YET, will that ever happen that the OW gets what the wife was subjected to……? And will the NPD Ever get his comeuppance?

    3. My husband and his brother were having threesomes with a woman for about 4 years. He even moved out and was living with her and her kids. All the time I thought he was staying with a male friend as he said the friend’s name was Jones. I didn’t know where this friend lived or anything about him. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. November 2014 my husband says he took a post in another city and moved out. New Year’s Eve 2014 I get a phone call from this woman who said she, my husband and brother in-law were in an affair for 5 years and her daughter calls my Husband daddy and there is also a baby involved! I was sooooo shocked!!! Anyway I kept my cool, chatted to her to get all info I needed! I then called my husband and he confirmed it. The child is his brother’s! The problem is he is still messing around and we are not divorced and I don’t know what to do!! I have a lot to lose if I get divorced! I simply don’t trust men!!

  5. Been with this woman for 10 years, married 3. We NEVER had an argument until this past year. Basically I was frustrated with my career and not receiving any intimacy or affection at home. She did everything perfectly while dating but of course after we got married, things changed fast like a light switch. At times I felt duped. I’m a very understanding person. She has Diabetes, type 2, which came on about 3 years before we got married. But a strong feeling in me says it was more than just Diabetes and low sex drive. But she would always say, everything is fine.

    Well, sex once every 2 weeks or so was not fine with me. Holding hands and such IN PUBLIC ONLY was not fine with me. Granted, there are 2 sides to every story but I was very open and communicative with her about my concerns and her replies were very vague at times so I didnt know what to do. Not too mention she is too clingy with her parents and I feel they influence her too much.

    Long story short, I started “problem drinking” just to get through the day and I nutted up and in our argument, she said some hurtful things and I pushed her away from me making her glasses fall off and I slapped her. We’ve been separated for 4 months and she has not said a word to me. I have been delicate with my communication with occasional frustrated messages. The only thing I got from her is an email saying do what’s best for me right now because she’s going to do what’s best for her and that’s praying and fasting before she makes a decision.

    Meanwhile, she bought a new truck and is making big decisions without me in regard. Though we were making plans to buy a new truck for her (because she so much needed and deserved it) I would not have made such a huge decision without my spouse (even with the situation) involved. She separated our car insurance and if I’m not mistaken, she’s about to take me off her health insurance. Some of me feels it’s her parents guiding her. It’s very hurtful when you have spent years supporting her and all of her PROBLEMS such as a bad knee and Diabetes.

    For example, I rearranged my sleep patterns so I can be there to help when her sugar drops in the wee hours of the morning. (2am, 3am) And this was almost an everyday thing. I rubbed her down when she came home sore from working out or volleyball games. She basically didn’t have to do anything “extra” for me. I worked, DJ’d on the side, we went out and did things. So many times I was there for her and this ONE BAD year, which she knew what I was going through, now I have a criminal record trying to look for a job, spending extra money I don’t have and the only thing she has said in 4 months to me is to “do what’s best for you.” Riiiiiight. You made the call that has made my life a living hell, I’m near homeless, compounded with all this money I have to pay with probation, anger management etc and it seems she doesn’t even care what happens to me.

    The kicker? She comes from a STRONG religious background, smh…. I mean, this woman would not even be alive to make the money she makes if it wasn’t for me looking after her night after night, morning after morning, suggesting better diets, workouts and such. I go through a bad patch and this is what I get… Though what I did was wrong and I’m taking full responsibility for it, I can’t help but to feel discouraged and even betrayed. I question her now. Like, can I really depend on you to make sound decisions when a crisis hits or do I have to deal with you running to your parents instead of your husband? I remember fixing the water heater and her running to her dad who could only say to call a plumber when I was already fixing it?! smh…

    I love her and I do feel she loves me but in my opinion she has become very selfish (as I thought she was to a certain degree anyway) I was her lifeline and now I need a lifeline and all I get is a shotty email. I feel if I have to go through all of this mess BY MYSELF WITH NO KIND OF SUPPORT, she’s the LAST person I would want to benefit from my elevation. Talk to me guys…. I’m not an abusive person, I allowed the alcohol to overtake me this year but I am a great, loving, laid back person. Life’s obstacles I guess. sigh

    1. Hey Bro, It’s been 14 month I’ve been separated from my wife of 17 years. Similar story to yours. I went through the stage you’re at and in the past month God spoke clearly to me these 7 words “There is no blame in Heaven.”

      After thinking on that I realized I had been blaming my wife and she was blaming me (vicious cycle with no end in sight). All the blame for her me and everyone was nailed to the cross -Jesus took our blame. Are we still tempted -yes but we no longer hold the right to blame others. He took the blame for even our own bad choices and mistakes. All the best.

  6. God bless… My wife abandoned the marriage around 7 or 8 months ago. She won’t talk to me about why. She just says that she’s done with the arguments. The crazy part is that the arguments are about the selfish & disrespectful decisions she continually made while we were together. Unfortunately in her mind she doesn’t think she did anything wrong. She wants her way and that’s it.

    I’ve been praying, fasting & yet nothing is changing. The more time goes by the more she says that she’s not coming back. Also, the communication is decreasing as time goes by. Sometimes thoughts pop up in my head and I just start rebuking. I don’t know what else to do. I’m alone, I have no other family, no transportation to church and I’m depressed. At this point there’s still no action towards divorce, but she made it clear that she wants one. Why she hasn’t filed? I don’t know.

    It hurts deep because I love her very much, but I love Jesus more. We’re both baptized and were members at a local church, but at the present time she’s not seeking the Lord. What should I do? Some say I should file for divorce and then others say I should let her file. The crazy part is that the ones telling me to file are Christians. Well, at least they call themselves Christians. Some even get mad because I say I want to wait on the Lord’s answer or guidance. I’ll never understand that one. I believe we should seek the Lord’s guidance in everything.

    So now I’m in the pit waiting to go to the palace and it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with. I’m out of options, so I just keep praying & praying. Being physically alone isn’t fun and sometimes I just want to give her but the Holy Spirit says HANG IN THERE… So I do, but oh boy what a struggle it is. At times I want to go and date, but then realize it’s not a good move. My wife has been unfaithful before, but I don’t know if she is dating anyone right now. One thing I do know is that God will hold me accountable for my actions not hers. He’ll deal with her in his own time. So I keep my focus on God daily… Also, I’ve heard some people say I should leave it in God’s hands. Does that mean leave her alone completely? No calls, no texts, etc? Please help… Any suggestions? Prayers welcomed… Thanks & God bless.

  7. This is painful. 6 months ago my wife seperated from me, she is a non believer because of my fault; but I do praise God because areas of my life have changed. But she wants to just be friends although I have hurt her because I was religious, and I find it so hard because we can get on really well! But I’m not allowed to cuddle, kiss, or talk about seeking any help. She wants me to find someone else. I’m missing the companionship – it’s horrible. I do love her and have been trying to do the love dare but when it comes to my consistentcy, I loose! I feel like a failure to my kids! I’m trying my hardest. I was and am nosey into her life! Because I’m scared and very nosey and was controlling.

    1. She is your wife and if you have anything to push her away then, you need to seek counselling from your local church leaders to encourage you and pray with you asking God’s forgiveness. She is rightfully your wife and your marriage bed only will defile if you have any relationship outside of your marriage.

      She is rightfully your wife if you and her have not comitted adultry.

      God bless and I hope I have encourged.

  8. My Husband left me on December 30, 2014. I soon found out he was living with a 31 year old girl; I say girl because he’s 51. She’s young enough to be his daughter. Her friends and family seem to think that is okay. We’re not legally separated, we’re still married. He told her he was getting a divorce, which was news to me he told me he had no plans.

    Why do people think that is okay? And how can I get him back we have been married for over 25 years? He says he’s not having a midlife crisis but I think he is. Please help.

  9. Hello, My wife and I separated for a period of 3 months. I went back to my hometown but returned for the holidays (Halloween through Christmas). I wasn’t living a wholesome life, which she caught wind of thru social media etc… (I was basically drinking and carrying on the way I had been at home the past 2 years) backsliding at best.

    Anyway, she had been cultivating a “friendship” with a single dad from her mother’s daycare she met while caring for his daughter. Long story short I noticed phone records that they were talking a lot. Next I noticed they had gone out in group settings Halloween hayride to pumpkin patch to trick or treating to the zoo for Christmas lights etc… then I found out she had been at his house late at night 5 times 3x in 1 week and 1 night til 3 in the morning.

    All along she and he claimed they’re just “friends”!! We both on New Years Eve confessed, prayed, and asked for forgiveness of our wrong doing. She claims they only kissed, which is what I confessed to from an incident 2 years prior. My problem is that she wants to remain friends, and the mother in law still has him on the roster at the daycare. I’m upset, angry, and not too sure what to do???

    1. Derek, You both need to follow through with what you confessed to and prayed for –that, which will help to grow your marriage in loving and healthy ways. You need to put up boundaries in your marriage to protect it –to hedge it in so temptation isn’t given into so easily as before. You both should have learned from the harm you allowed to enter your marriage. If so, then you need to do something intentional about it.

      You asked what you should do because you are so upset and angry. Yes, it’s understandable that you are angry. There are boundaries within your marriage vows that are being crossed over, or very close to being crossed over. The time to do something about it is before temptation takes a bigger bite here. There is an article I encourage you to read and when you are calm, to have your wife read so you can talk about it (we have other articles like it posted on this web site too). It’s titled, HEDGES: Loving Your Marriage Enough to Protect It. Another article for you and your wife to read through would be Protecting Your Marriage From Infidelity, plus watch the video: Guardrails to Guide in Marriage.

      After reading them (and others linked to within them), it would be good for your marriage to sit down as a marital team to figure out what boundaries you can put up that will best work for your marriage, to protect it. If you don’t you may very well see one or both of you “slide” down into doing more with others than you should, and put your marriage in jeopardy. We see this happen over and over and over again. I can’t emphasize this importance –to be pro-active in protecting your marriage relationship, rather than just reactive (after things have already happened that shouldn’t). Boundaries, hedges, fences, etc. are constructed for a reason. Someone could go over the cliff if they don’t have that type of boundary in place before you need it.

      PLEASE take this seriously. You still have a good chance of growing this marriage in great ways, and saving it from disaster later. You’ve both shown that you can fall into temptation in ways that hurt your marriage. Be smart and protect yourself ahead of time, this time. Please don’t say, “oh, it won’t happen to us… you’re being to reactive.” Trust me when I say that I’m not being reactive. Again, I’ve seen the tragic results over and over and over again from those who thought it was “silly” to do the things mentioned in the articles and blogs. Be smart. Team up together and protect your relationship as you should. I hope you will.

  10. My husband of a little less than 5 years is having an affair with a woman from his past and who lives several states away. We are now unofficially separated and I’m not welcome in my husband’s home. I chose to move out of the country for a short time and then I will have to decide where I am going to live when I return.

    Without going into a lot of explanation, I am now homeless and jobless, a situation that I, a professional and well-respected woman, never thought I would be in. Long story short, we lived overseas for a while, then he moved back into the States. I resigned my job after almost a year apart to return to him in spite of our many difficulties. I return and I find out that I am not welcome. The kicker is we both still love each other and I so desperately want to be with him.

    Now, I am here in this non-English speaking country, all alone, unable to enjoy it because I am so sad and always on the verge of a crying spell. We talk everyday but all he shares with me is how I have wronged in. I am 61 years old and feel that I may end up alone. I am trying so hard to cast my worries over to God, praying that my husband will see the error of his ways and move back towards reconciliation, praying that I will be given the desire and the wisdom to be changed into the kind of woman that GOD wants me to be and hopefully, that this is the kind of woman that my husband wants, praying that I will get past this extreme loneliness and sadness, praying that I will learn to love myself as I did prior to my marriage (my husband seems to see only the “bad” and harps on this all the time).

    As I write this and as I think of our discussions (my husband has shared more, about his feelings about situations, with me than EVER before in the past 2 weeks; before he just reacted in anger and I did not understand why he was angry so much), I can see the error of my actions in many of these cases, but I still believe in commitment to the marriage and in forgiveness and in giving someone the opportunity to improve.

    My husband says he had seen me prioritize him the way he wants to be prioritized in the past 2 months since my return from the overseas job we both had, but he believes that it is only because NOW I am in a “catastrophic” situation and he does not believe that it will last. Yet, he has a mistress that he TRUSTS????

  11. My wife of five years left me on Valentines Day, roughly a month and a half after our third child died. She has changed her story about why we are apart every week. Before it was I wasn’t paying attention to her. Then I was paying too much attention to her and not enough on myself. Then it was we were grieving differently.

    Last weekend after I thought was an amazing week full of improvements, she gets drunk and sleeps with some guy then calls me because he walked out before they had finished and says she misses me. Then she says that she doesn’t want to just come back to me but won’t give me a real reason even though she isn’t happy on her own. She says I don’t love her because she hasn’t felt it since my deployment. I feel as though she hasn’t felt love for me since she started taking zoloft after our sons death.

    Our marriage hasn’t been perfect but we’ve always worked our way through it until now. I love her so much and don’t want this to end in divorce. She is currently living on her own and working part time with our only serving child. Is there anything that I can do to save this marriage? Or am I doomed to divorce?

  12. My husband had me sign divorce papers with notary as witness. I still don’t want a divorce. What do I do now? He told me that we had to divorce because of financial trouble that he’s in. He said that we’d be able to reconcile in about 8 mos. He told me to keep wearing rings and not to date. He will not answer texts and phone goes to voice mail. It seems that he’s lying to me. Why won’t he just tell me the truth? Any input is appreciated. We have a history of fighting, especially during the last two years. He spent all of his time at his business and we didn’t devote any time to marriage. I became very resentful and cruel.

  13. I am separated from my wife and want her back and my daughter. I am staying at a friends and have to leave his place this Wednesday as his girlfriend is moving in. I cheated on my wife 2 times in the last 2 years. She went to a friends across the country and she cheated with someone a month ago. That absolutely kills me and I cannot stop thinking about it – her with someone else. It kills me every second and I am not sleeping or eating.

    My wife does not answer me about if she is on a dating website. I know she is as I saw on her i-pad. She is getting emails. She has not subscribed to it just simply put in her information. She has on her profile “divorced” to the other people that see her.

    I am looking for my own place; I don’t want to because it will hurt my ability to support her and my daughter with the extra money to help her survive and pay bills. I just want to come home and she does not want that.

    I went through her phone 2 weeks ago and told her 2 days ago, she feels violated and hurt and mad. I won’t contact her this weekend unless she reaches out but it is so hard to move on and not see here and my daughter. I need some help.

  14. Hey… I’ve been married 34 years this past 4/12/15, my husband left me mid November 2014. I know at the time he left I was doing wrong. I’ve admitted that to him and asked for his forgiveness and told him I would do any and everything I could do to fix his heart and our marriage. I found out last week he has been on about 4 dates with a woman… he says just out to eat, and I believe, but not sure, he has spent the night at her house at least 2 nights and they left last night to go to the beach for the weekend.

    My biggest problem is, the woman is supposed to be an ordained minister under a pastor at her church. I’ve been to church a lot in my life and I can’t understand why she would even think about doing what she’s doing. Am I wrong or just going crazy? He says they haven’t “done” anything. I said but if her pastor or someone from her church saw you two going in a motel room, what do you think they would think? I don’t confess to be a Christian, but I do know the Bible and I believe in God and I’ve been doing a lot of praying lately. Please pray for me and if you have any guidance or advise in my situation, I’ll gladly take it. Also, please advise if I’m wrong about the women dating my husband. Thanks for your time.

  15. I was just recently abruptly and surprisingly presented separation papers by my husband and his lawyer; I adore this man and he said “I wasn’t happy”, “he couldn’t make me happy” and his mom was very much a great influence to our issues. In fact, my opinion is that she is 95% our issue…he has suffered her demanding ways long before I came to him and become his wife of 10 years…I loved her but…I didn’t like her…I would have done my biblical duty as my husband’s wife, and cared for his mom AND his dad if they truly needed it.

    But my husband could not leave and cleave and his mother wasn’t gonna have it anyway; in addition she, instead of doing what a mom should do when their child is considering separation by staying out of grown child’s marriage, she helped my husband to “get it done” with HER money. I have no doubt about this and it’s truly sad that my husband did not stand up as a man and tell her no since “he wanted this.” I’m lost, but I AM leaning on God to comfort me and praying that SOMEONE “sees the light” in how disrespectful this was to influence him.

    And more than ANYTHING, she should have been counseled along with us at some point; she was “there” for us until we married and immediately, starting on honeymoon, she started barging in our marriage calling him no less than twice a day. I won’t make this any longer…I could write a book and God knows it call so why would I do that? I pray that my husband gets the comfort and respect he deserves at some point in his life. He has too much obligation to many things He shouldn’t, but all if his life this is the way it’s been and you can “lead the horse to water, but you can make it drink, right”?

  16. I just want to give up and move on. We have kids and have been together for 9 years but, there is no connection anymore. I don’t remember the last time we slept in the same room, maybe a year and a half ago. Anyways about two years ago we got into a fight and I asked him to leave as I knew he didn’t want to be in the home. He took full advantage of the opportunity, going out and having a blast.

    I didn’t realize he would be so happy and I so miserable. However, he ended up losing his job and making his way back into my apartment after we were separated for about 3 or 4 months. I took care of him for about 6 months and we acted as though nothing really happened but we still have no bond and it seems as though we are roommates.

    I work a lot so I don’t pay much attention to the reality of the situation but it’s hitting me this season and I’m realizing I’m very lonely. It’s a very sad way to live with my kids and my husband, presenting a very tainted way to have a marriage in front of my children and I just feel at a dead end. I’m not sure what to do anymore. It would be nice to have a friend. I very much love the Lord but I can only be depressed and unhappy for so long. I know I’m not surely to be this unhappy, so this is a tricky situation. I hope God gives me the right path.

  17. Me and my wife have been separated for 2 years. Although I’m at her place pretty much every day of the week. I thought for sure it was going to work out. But now she’s told me that she wants no more commitments and she’s met somebody that’s exciting and she wants to date. We have a 5 year old girl and a 7 year old boy. And my job I work before the Sun rises and I come home after the Sun has set. I think my job is contributed a lot to her being alone. Just trying to get through. She says she still loves me and then will turn around and blame everything that’s happened in the past squarely on my shoulders like she’s done no wrong whatsoever. Clearly in my mind we both have done a lot to damage this relationship but adultery from my side was never one of those things. And now the finances are finally getting in order and along comes a 55 year old freshly divorced and financially well off loser to become the wrench in the works. But once again he could only get in as far as she allows him so I guess I gotta move on.

  18. My wife and I have been together for over 9 years, 3 of which we’ve been married. It’s a second marriage for both of us. She has two boys ages 10 and 13. I’ve been their father figure for 90% of the 9 plus years.

    We’ve always gotten along well. No serious fighting. Typical disagreements. Over the last year she has withdrawn from us mainly with lack of physical intimacy. When I asked if something is wrong or why she is distant she would just say I don’t know or I just want to be alone. This went on from December 2014 until April 2015. We still celebrated Christmas and Valentines as usual. She gave me the most beautiful card for valentines and wrote a little extra in it ending with I love you.

    At Easter I asked again what was going on? We had no intimacy since December. With some more questions she finally says her feelings changed and she’s not in love anymore. That’s it. She and the boys moved out mid July. I still see the boys on a regular basis because the love me more than their biological father and she knows I’ve been an excellent father to them.

    Where the issue comes in, in my and several family members and close friends opinions, is she has always had low self esteem and extremely naive. For the 3 years we’ve been married she has worked in an environment where she is the only female in a group of 10 employees. She admits to lots of flirting and it has boosted her to feel happier at work than at home where she has a husband, kids, house, homework, etc. She started wearing more tight fitting shirts than normal and flirting back.

    We have been separated by her choice since July. She has told others how well I cared for her, the boys and her ailing mother, whom I actually tend to more than she does. My wife was diagnosed with depression at one time and was on medication. She stated she wants to be alone and on her own to do her own thing. Even stating to a friend that she just wants to play and have fun when the boys are not around. Recently she set up a date with a guy from out of town on a weekend the boys and I were out of town at a charity event. She messaged a friend and said she’s with someone and is almost drunk. This will be the 4th time she’s been drunk since July.

    I still love her dearly. She’s the mother to my stepsons that I love as my very own. I feel she’s on a path to disaster but I’m helpless because she will not seek help. No marriage counseling. No talking to the church. Etc. She denies seeing someone. Recently purchased lingerie, which she has only worn a couple of times in our 9 years. I’m stumped. Stressed. Hurt.

  19. My husband and I got back together after I left him in Or. For cheating on me with another woman. We know we’re truly in love with each other. It’s now 25 years, however, there is a question of did I have an affair on him. He left me, was having sex living with the lady, I had moved back to Utah met a guy, became friends, and it became more, but did not last.

    My husband claims I had an affair but how could I have had one? He had stepped out, which at that time was breaking the vows we took. He broke them, which meant contract was not in play and I had to live with him gone. I moved back home to a life, which he was not in. I didn’t want to but I had to for our kids. They needed a mom, not broken lady. It took all I had to move back to my mom’s place. So am I right in my way of thinking or do I need to say sorry to him?

    1. Tanja, You should not have been dating, let alone allowing it so it “became more” whether it lasted or not. This does not justify what your husband did –he definitely cheated on you and your marriage, and he was wrong to do so. But until you are completely divorced (not just separated –even if it would have been for years and years), neither spouse should be “seeing” anyone else in any type of dating, relating situation.

      I understand that you were lonely, confused, your husband was cheating, and you were separated, but that still doesn’t justify being with anyone else while you are still married. I personally, would tell my husband I was sorry because I’d much rather err on the side of humbling myself and asking for forgiveness, than doing less than I may need to. The point is trying to move on from here into reconciling. If a sincere apology would help with this, it would be better to give it in sincerity and empty yourself of any type of “right-fighting” –thinking you are right, so that you’ll sacrifice the relationship to rest on that principle. That’s what I believe, anyway. And I believe it would hold up scripturally, as well. I hope this helps.

      1. It’s rather hard to let down my guards but I believe you are right. I have decided to say I am sorry and admit what I had done was wrong. By doing so I hope that will end the fight. I want to keep what I have with this man. I love him with all my ♥. I hope by doing this he will forgive me like I have him and not blow up in my face and use it against me. I will hope for the best. Mostly since I know he loves me as much. Thank you for the reply.

        1. I admire you for doing this. That has got to be hard. I pray for you and hope that your husband WILL release this fight. Sometimes admitting wrong and apologizing helps, and sometimes not. But whatever, you are doing the gracious, loving thing. I’d much rather do that, than NOT do all I could to possibly save the marriage. May God bless you all the more, as you work on these marital issues! These are tough ones, but not too tough that it’s hopeless… quite the opposite, as you join hands with God.

          1. It blew up in my face. He tore me apart and made me feel like a creep. I stayed with him 25 years with all his affairs, and going to jail, had 4 kids. I blamed myself for all his affairs if I was better at being a wife. I did; I tried and failed. I felt isolated alone and ugly. I don’t know what I did wrong so many years ago. But I did do the right thing by saying sorry.

          2. Oh Tanja, I’m so very sorry to hear that things went so wrong. You are right about one thing, for sure. You were right in apologizing. You are wrong in thinking his affairs were about you –they are about him. No matter what you did or didn’t do, if he decided to cheat, HE is the cheater, HE is the one doing something wrong. He violated his vows. There is never an excuse for having affairs. If we can’t keep our promises, then what type of person are we? You shouldn’t have dated when you were separated, even though you WERE separated, and you now know that was wrong, but in apologizing and truly acknowledging that this was wrong, deciding never to do this again, you did right. Please know that.

            I re-read what you wrote previously, and I am wondering, are you back together with your husband, or living apart? Whether you’re living together or apart, give him some space (as much as he will allow you to) to cool down. And pray for wisdom as to how and when to try to break the ice again. I’ll be praying for you.

      2. We have been married 25 years. We got married young. We had problems on and off you know take the good you take the bad and there you got the factd of life. My husband has had more the 5 affairs over the years. I had one that happened over 11 years ago he has not be able to let it drop, I do believe out of his own guilt. We are still together and in same home.

  20. Thank you for presenting a truly biblical view of dating during separation. I don’t see any ‘separation’ in the Bible so even though you become separated – you are still ONE in God’s eyes.

    I am going through a very painful separation right now and have been praying faithfully for my marriage which is not working out! I am lonely and would love to have a male friend to just hang out with but I would feel like I was cheating on my marriage. Plus it wouldn’t be fair to the person I’d be hanging out with because I’d be ‘using’ him since I’m not allowed to have any physical relations with a man who is not my husband and also not appropriate to even build emotional intimacy.

    It’s simply not right in God’s economy, in God’s Word. Just because it is culturally acceptable doesn’t make it biblically acceptable. In the end, I will have peace knowing that I was never unfaithful to my husband regardless of his own choices otherwise. I won’t have to live with that guilt either.

  21. My husband had been mentally abusing me. He also physically abused me for about 14 years, then in 2008 beat me in the head with his fist. He has had affair after afair and him and my daughter have stolen everything I have. My son had me put in a mental hospital 3 times and my husband and daughter 1 time. They have been trying to drive me crazy. I have a chance to be happy, I am a Christain and serve the Lord. But I am legally separated. We have not slept together in 8 years. I have contacted lawyers about getting a divorce but they want 2,500 dollars. I am on a fixed income and cannot afford a divorce. Tell me what I should do. I want to be loved. I do not want to do anything that would ruin my relationship with God. I am a Christian and he is not. I have talked to him about his soul; he says he is not ready. What shall I do?

  22. My daughter was in an abusive relationship with her husband. They have been togeather for 5 years and just last year they had gotten married. She thought that things would be better and that she wanted to try for the kids. She has a son from a previous relationship and a son from her husband. The oldest is 7 and the youngest is 4. Well things started getting worse after they got married; he was very controlling. She couldn’t talk to anyone or go anywhere without him screaming and yelling. She left a few times and stayed with me but went back thinking maybe he will change only to be treated worse.

    Her husband has called us on several occasions yelling and screaming and threatening to knock her out because she would not talk to him while he was at a rage. Things started getting worse for her since October of 2015 and have not gotten any better. He kicked her and the kids out on 3-4-2016. She had no where to go but to one of their friends, which is another guy. There is no relationship between the two. His daughter of 20 and him gave her and the boys a room to sleep in. He found out later like a week ago and went there and grabbed my daughter by her throat and slamed her to the ground. Not once but 3 times and in front of their son. Their son ran and hid but his daddy found him and ran with him.

    I got a call from my oldest daughter saying I need to get there asap because her husband was there and was hurting them. When I arrived my daughter was covered in dirt where he threw her down and she had bruises that were starting to appear. I called the law and they came out and told us we had to go file a report so we did. They got him for domestic violence and assault on a female. A retraining order was put in place. His aunt who always bails him out by paying attorneys took him to turn himself in the very next morning and was supposed to call us so she can get her son back. Only to find out that she had no intentions and helped hide him until we had the law meet us at her house. She would not tell them until she found out she can be in trouble with her nephew for child indangerment and kidnapping.

    So I help my daughter get an attorney for custody of her son so she doesn’t have to worry about him running. She has temporary custody but he has visitation. Plus social services is involved and has came out to the home she is staying at. They talked to her and said that the kids were safe with her.

    If there is any advice to we need to know about where she is staying then please let me know. I do know her husband is not going to stop because he still believes she is in a relationship with this guy. He has said some pretty mean things but is very jealous and very controlling. Need help with this so we can keep her and the kids safe. I have a 2 bedroom home and social services said she is fine where she is at because they have their own room. Here at my home they would be sleeping on the couch and an air mattress. Please any advise to what we should do?

    1. Cindy, as a mom and grandma, I can only imagine how broken your heart is over all of this. I’m so very sorry that your daughter, her kids, and you, and the rest of the family have to go through this. It has to be so very painful on so many levels!

      As far as advice, please have your daughter (and perhaps you) read through the “Abuse in Marriage” topic. We have a lot of articles and quotes posted there that she can glean through and perhaps gain some wisdom from that she can use to better protect herself. Make sure she doesn’t stay at any other man’s house. Even though this man was generous and there wasn’t anything going on between them, it can light a fuse to cause further explosions if she repeats that action again. Right now it’s important to defuse the matter, rather than cause any more avoidable sparks (even innocent ones).

      Also, it could be to her advantage to try to talk to an abuse counselor. We have some info within the “Links and Recommended Resources” part of that topic. It’s a start, at least, if she doesn’t know any off hand. I do know that the ministry of Focus on the Family (contact info can be found at has counselors on staff she could talk to. They wouldn’t be able to do deep counseling with her, but they could give some great advice, plus they have a GREAT referral list of organizations –some of which she might be able to use to get more info on how to best protect herself and her children. Please, please, please encourage her to do this. Abuse usually escalates (which she will read about). It’s important to be pro-active in putting things into place ahead of time rather than risking whatever may be ahead for her. An abusers mindset is a dark place… you sure don’t want to be at their mercy, because there usually isn’t any that is given, as she is seeing all too well. Please know that my heart goes out to all of you — I pray the Lord leads you to the help that is needed.

      1. Thank you for the advice we are trying to find her and the kids a home. I have even looked into low income housing but there is such a long waiting list. Are there any resources as to helping them with a home?

        1. That sounds good about finding a home, but that won’t protect them. Eventually, your daughter’s husband will catch up with her. That’s why it’s important to find ways to protect her and the kids, as best you can. That’s where some of these shelters, and abuse centers could help. Not only would they help her to figure out better ways to protect herself, but they may know of the type of housing that may be available. It’s not that she’s looking to live in a shelter, but rather, she’s trying to learn what they know so she has the best chance of living a safer life in the future –for her and her children.

          I know that sometimes the Salvation Army centers or churches have insights into housing that may be available. Plus, child protective services, and also Rescue Mission ministries many times have insights into places, such as you are looking for. I don’t know if you’re near a big town, but if you are, I encourage you to try them. Sometimes even big evangelical churches know of places like this also. Again, it’s worth a try. But first, be diligent in trying to learn how to best protect against future abuse… a house can shelter, but wisdom is important to gain for better protection.

    2. Hi Cindy, I was once in the same place as your daughter. I agree with Cindy W. Women who are trapped in abuse need strong women who are godly to nourish the hurt. Show her with tenderness that God is the only one who can fulfill us. Women often run back to their abusers because they can’t see that they truly don’t need the individual. That they are being made weak by the one person who they can’t be without. But if you show her that relying on the Lord will fill the emptiness she will be able to see for herself.

      Legally… I can tell you this. Get copies of all the documents from police and sheriff departments. Go to the health and human services office and request a form for Just Cause. She might have to go to a women’s shelter and have someone sign them… like a counselor. This will protect your grandson… it is to eliminate any visits or custody issues, especially since he tried to kidnap him.

      They will ask her why. In truth men use children as a leverage to continue to hurt their victims. Take him to counseling and use that as a weapon. Prove that you have to protect them from this person. Hire a lawyer. Chances are you won’t be able to get one through free resources but try. Women in those situations often die from violence if they return. Violence escalates with each occurrence. Children who are raised in it often become abusers as adults. It also makes them vulnerable to different types of abuse. Protect your family.

      She can apply for resources to support your grandson. Be careful in regards to child support. Make sure that you don’t have visitation rights given to the abuser if you agree to take support. Look for grants to help her get a trade or degree.

      Empowering women is important to their success. It’s important that she focus on her son and her progress. Put God first because if you put your energy in an other relationship you’ve learned nothing. I have to say it because women who go through this are often lonely. But starting something new with an other person is not the answer. After all what will this teach her son? Teach her she must straighten her life first… and I say this only out of experience and hope to help her from my mistakes. I will pray for you. It’s a hard road but trust the Lord.

      1. Thank you for the advice and I have hired an attorney and we have a restraining order which I know sometimes that does not help. I have a paper with resources that I will be calling tomorrow and I have also talked to her about getting into church because I also feel that it will help her and the boys. My grandson the one we just got back has been so clingy to his mom which I do believe its because of his daddy. He told me tonight that he has to protect his mommy from his daddy so he won’t hurt mommy anymore. My heart hurts so much for them and I am doing everything I can to help. The attorney fees is so high that its draining us but we are managing the best we can. Just want my daughter and my grandsons safe. Again thanks everyone for the advice and I know in my heart that God and prayers are the answers to our needs and protection. God bless you all.

  23. My husband and I are legally separated for 2 weeks now. He moved in with the person he had an affair with. He was a manager at his work and had an affair with a co-worker. He got fired the same day it was discovered. I live in our home alone and I am seeking Christian counseling and he hasn’t even called me. I don’t have his phone number or the address of where he is. I know it’s in North Carolina, even though he told me he was moving in with a couple to do construction work. I am lonely, sad and frustrated because we’re still married and he’s not going by the rules of legal separation. What should I do? I still love him and know that we could get through this with the proper counseling but not if he continues to live with her. I know I have the right to sue her for aliation of affection because I live in North Carolina. Do you think that would be a good ideal to get him to move out of her home because he’s not even supposed to date much less live in with her. What should I do ?

  24. I left my ex spouse because I thought some time away would make him see how much I cared and did for him and his children. My plan was to be gone four weeks, spend a holiday with my family (we never did that) and return. But the whole time I was gone he called me names, and fought with me. Come to find out as soon as I left to visit my parents he was seeing a woman he met on instagram. When I found out he begged me to come home but I refused unless he told her the truth… We’ve been divorced two months and he got married two days after our divorce was final. We were only seperated a month before I filed. He told me he’d leave her if I ever came back.

    I’ve been out a few times but have no interest in dating. He’s remarried and already has a baby on the way. She got pregnant while we were divorcing. People who date while separated are liars and manipulators… I don’t care what anyone tells me. He and I were together 5 years and he even bragged to me I was so easy to replace. It hurt but now I see that too many people only care for themselves and now I will never be in a relationship or marriage again.

    1. I prayed so many times when I could not take the betrayal, disrespect and selfishness after 30 years of marriage and finally packed my bags and filed for divorce. It hurts until now but I prayed to God for strength. Perhaps focusing on Christ’s pain on the crucifixion and spending time with those who are close to you will help lessen your pain. May God give you strength and may his angels lift you up.

    1. Darla, That is definitely a most horrible and grievous situation. How I cry for you as a wife and a mother. What do you do with that? It’s almost beyond difficult, except to encourage you to take it to the Lord and look to Him to show you healthy ways to grieve and rebuild your life step by step. But in your grief, please don’t allow yourself to believe the lie that because you hurt so badly, solutions to do that which you should not, are acceptable. They are not… no matter how hurt you are over this whole matter.

      Please don’t complicate your life even more by bringing someone else into the picture. It’s not fair to them, nor you. You have a lot to process through and figure out as far as how to live your life from this day forward. Being with someone else will just add more difficult logs onto the fire. Technically, unless you are divorced, you are still married. Please don’t rush into being with anyone else (even if it’s just a casual date… and even though your husband cheated on you) while you are still married. Two wrongs, or even three wrongs doesn’t make it right. I wish I could say it does, but it doesn’t. Even if they haven’t been honorable, you can still be honorable. I hope you will, and I pray the Lord ministers to your broken heart.

  25. I am lost now as a Christian for eight years. I’ve been married for ten years. Two years ago, we separated for five months, & and my wife slept with a young man who was 24 years old; she was 45. She says it was nothing. We talked about it, but things have not gotten better. The battle is, she is not a believer, as such. She says she believes in God, but not the Bible, church attending or worship.

    The (big) issue is that if she was able to be with someone else so quick, after eight years of marriage at the time, I am questioning the love she claims for me. I don’t believe it’s real in my heart, I believe she was with the young man while we were married, as you can’t be separated meet someone, date them while still married, & sleep with them.

    She has been attending some courses at the lighthouse in somerset, for a while now, maybe four years or so. She recently attended a course for 3 days. I was unable to call her on her cell phone, so I called the lighthouse, in which they were able to confirm she was there. They asked me if I would like them to pass on a msg. I replied no it’s ok, but they passed it on anyway.

    Since coming back, she has disengaged with me, had lots of arguments about something & nothing. I know what my heart is reciveing, but I would just like to have some wise counsel. I don’t think she is in love with me! I think she loves me, but as we know, there is a difference. What are your thoughts? This is confidential between you and me! Regards…

    1. Cornel, it’s pretty obvious that you have a lot of issues in your marriage that have been going on for quite a while. Sadly, there is no magic formula you can follow to bring about the change you desire in your wife. This is where God wants you to grow through your adversity in a way that as your wife observes what is lived out in your heart and life, it becomes so “attractive” to her that she will want what you have. Now, that is a lot easier said than done.

      Go back into our web site and in the For Married Men section there are a lot of articles that can help you start to learn what it is that your wife really needs from you as a husband. So often when we are in a crisis we focus on wanting to change/fix our spouse rather than seek God as to what He wants to do to CHANGE US. One of the best resources we recommend to all couples who really want to know what God wants from our marriages is the book, Sacred Marriage, by Gary Thomas and I’m almost positive you can order it in the UK. You can access it by going to our home page and enter Amazon through the Window.

      You can also find help in the Save My Marriage section and resources to help you in the Communication and Conflict section. That section could help you learn how to connect with your wife in a meaningful way as from the little you shared it sounds like you haven’t been communicating well.

      There’s also the BIG issue you will need to overcome – your wife’s adultery. She says it was “nothing” but if you had been the one committing the affair I doubt she would “feel” it was nothing. I know it’s going to be one of the hardest things you’ll ever do in your life, but if there’s a prayer for your marriage to eventually thrive you will need to forgive her. This will be a big illustration to her of Christ and His forgiveness – even after He was betrayed.

      One more BIG point: If you are not already connected to a good Bible fellowship where you can learn, grow and have people around you who can pray for and with you, you NEED to find one ASAP. The more you remain isolated in your faith the harder it will be for you to grow. Remember where the Bible says “It’s not good for man to be alone?” That isn’t only referring to having a spouse, it also means God followers need each other. Here’s a link I found that may prove to be a good connection for you:

      Cornel, you’ve tried this on your own for 10 years and the results have not been what you desired. If you are really serious about turning this around (and it can be done) it is going to take a determination and drive on your part like you’ve never had before. Having a Christ-like marriage and life is not accomplished by being a passive observer. It will mean taking 1 Corinthians 15:58 and making it your mantra for success. Blessings! ~Steve Wright, Marriage Missions International

  26. I have been separated for 5 years. My daughter is now 17. I have been seeing someone but my daughter ..nor my older sons do not know. When I go out I just say im going out with friends. My daughter always wants to know with who and i try not to get specific. I was out and she called me several times and I missed the calls. I called back to ask if she was ok and she started grilling me as to where I am. I said I am out.. I will talk with you when I get in. Why do I feel guilty. At the same time, I am an adult and I feel she was disrespectful and out of place. Am I right or wrong? sighhhh.

  27. Hello, This is the second time my wife leaves me and tells me the love is gone. We have been separated for 6 months now and I recently got a message on social media in regards to my wife sleeping with a married man. The message came from his wife; she has done nothing but lie. She denied everything about a month ago. My 5 year old today, said she had a secret to tell me. She said a man came over her house and slept in your room daddy with mommy. Apparently mom talked to my daughter and convinced her not to say anything to me, but she still did. I felt like my world came to a complete end. I love my wife very much and I cant bare the thought of that other person sleeping with my wife. She totally disrespected herself, my kids and her home.

    Now that she was caught, all she is doing is trying to find a way to harm me or destroy me. She threatened me with not seeing my three kids and that hurts me to the fullest. I love her and one side of me wishes she realizes all the hurt she has brought upon me.

    1. My heart goes out to you Fabian, and to your children. It’s especially difficult when the one who is doing the cheating is the one who has charge of the kids and can keep you from them. I can’t even imagine the hurt. I pray for you –for strength of character to live the days shad of you as an upright man –not compromising God’s values or looking for revenge. I pray God ministers to your breaking heart. I also pray for your wife, that God talks to her and helps her to see the wrong she is doing, and that she backs off from doing mean things to you for the guilt she is feeling. I pray godly sorrow upon her, that she sees the wrong she is doing and hope with all my heart she will stop going in that direction because of the discomfort and conviction she is experiencing, and will turn her heart back towards home and to building a good marriage and a good life together with you for everyone’s sake.

      Your children are suffering extra because of this… may the mother of your children see this and see the importance of blessing their lives, rather than bringing toxic situations into their lives. You and your wife are living examples of marriage, as it should be lived out… I pray you get the opportunity to live it out well and that both of you find ways to bless each other, rather than live in opposition to each other.

  28. I enjoyed the article. I read it because I am so confused while I’m dealing with my separation. My situation is very tricky because my spouse has gone to live with my nephew’s ex-wife who was family for over 20 years. He previously had an affair with his step-sister and we overcame that but I don’t think this time it will work out between us. I’ve had hope and prayed but nothing has come about and my sense of faith and hope has been diminishing.

    I do not want a divorce and I’ve been contemplating for the last few months. I feel like at some point I will know what to do but it is not easy by any means. I appreciate your time and hopefully someone may have some advice for me going forward. I have not started dating because I do not feel right about it but he is living his life to the fullest while I stress and cry at times wondering what I should be doing. Thank you again.

  29. My 2nd husband left me 8 months ago. I’ve tried to reconcile with him, however he says the marriage is over. I have met someone else & want to divorce my husband. I really want to serve God but at the same time don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone. What should I do?

    1. Marsha, please reread what you wrote in your comment. What I see you are saying is that you WANT to serve God, but because it may mean that you’ll be alone, you aren’t sure. You have doubts as to which one you should put first –your love for God or your love for being with “someone else.” If you love God, you HAVE to know that you aren’t supposed to pursue him or allow him to pursue you. It seems that you have a HUGE decision here. It’s not that God won’t give you someone to love you, but it may not be your timing and your way. What if that is true? Will you put God in the back seat for someone else, just so there isn’t any chance you would spend your life alone?

      I’m not sure because I don’t have the whole story, but it seems that you have been putting the love for man ahead of your love for God. You seem to be emotionally needy to the point that you are willing to jump from one relationship to another just so you won’t face not living your life without a man. That’s scary. It seems to me that you need to spend more alone time with God having Him help you to unravel your neediness and securing you in HIS love.

      You aren’t even divorced from your second husband and already you are meeting with “someone else” and want to divorce. I can tell you that when most anyone meets “someone else” it almost always leads to them wanting to divorce their spouse. The energy goes into this other relationship. That’s how it goes. We see it over and over and over again.

      You ask what you should do. It seems obvious, but I’ll say it. Stay put. Grow deeper in your relationship with the Lord, and stop marriage hopping. Don’t divorce. If your present husband wants to divorce, then you can’t stop him, nor should you encourage him. Work on your issues and see where it goes from there. Release the “someone else” that you have met. You are still a married woman, even if your current husband says he wants to end it. Don’t complicate your life and this other person’s life and your spiritual life.

      Your neediness is causing you to make some horrible decisions. You don’t have to keep making them. Seek the Lord and HIS understanding –HIS wisdom, and HIS ways and you will start making healthier and wiser life choices. That… is my humble, prayerful opinion. I can’t tell you what to do, but I can warn you that I believe you are on a slippery path. The straight way is scary, but the way you are headed will DEFINITELY get scarier in the long run. I pray better for you Marsha. I pray God leads you and you follow His wise way in this.