Marriage Missions International

Should I Date While I Am Separated from My Spouse?

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“Should I date while I am separated?” How many times have I heard that question? And, how many times have I given a hard answer? “If you are not free to marry, you are not free to date!” I first read that statement in Britton Wood’s book, Singles Want to Be the Church, Too. Mr. Wood has worked with singles and separated persons longer than anyone in his denomination.

After several years of counseling the separated, I am more convinced than ever that Britton Wood is right. When you start dating someone else while you are separated, you make reconciliation more difficult. The more you date, the muddier the water becomes.

I know that you have needs; you are lonely. Sometimes the load seems unbearable. I know that dating while separated is accepted, even encouraged, in our society. But most of those who are dating will never be reconciled. They will be divorced.

Dating is a prelude to remarriage, not therapy for reconciliation. Certainly you need friends. You need a listening ear. You need people who care and help bear the load, but the dating context is not the best place to find such help.

You are extremely vulnerable during these days of separation. Unfortunately there are those of the opposite sex who would like to take advantage of your vulnerability. Although pretending to be concerned about you, there are busy satisfying their own desires.

I have seen many men and women devastated by such an experience. Your own emotions are erratic, and it would be easy for you to get infatuated with anyone who treats you with dignity, respect, and warmth.

Have you noticed the number of people who get married the day after they are divorced? Obviously they have been dating during separation. If the separation period is a time to seek reconciliation, why spend energy in an activity that leads to divorce and remarriage? Separation is not tantamount to divorce. We are still married while we are separated, and we ought to so live, whether or not our spouse complies.

I know this is difficult to accept, but I believe the present trend of open dating immediately after separation must be deterred. Such activity encourages and contributes to the increasing divorce rate.

If you believe in the power of human choice, then you must concede that your estranged spouse may well turn from his or her estrangement and seek reconciliation. You want to be prepared for that day if it comes. Dating someone else in not the way to be prepared. Develop friends, but refuse romantic involvement until the fate of your marriage is determined.

The above article comes from the book, Hope For the Separated: Wounded Marriages Can Be Healed, written by Dr Gary Chapman, published by Moody Publishers. This book deals with the question of dating while separated, how to relate to your children during this time, and ways to improve communication. Assignments are given to encourage growth both as individuals and as a couple. The ultimate value comes not in reading but in applying truth. It’s a practical book for both the separated husband and wife.

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Comments

274 Responses to “Should I Date While I Am Separated from My Spouse?”
  1. NINA says:

    (USA)  Hi, I feel that some of these stories are just like mine. Almost two years of marriage, deeply in love with my husband, but he says he’s confused. I found out that he’s on many social dating sites looking for someone. Also I do know that he’s been talking to more than one of his girlfriend’s here in USA and some others from our home Country.

    He is also keeping it secret that after his divorce (7 years ago) he got married again, already asked me for a divorce but there are some businesses that we need to finish before, so we are still in same bed and everything. He sends text messages and e-mail to his girlfriends in front of me. It hurts. I moved to this state when we got married, so I have no friends at all and want to save my marriage. I don’t know how to handle this situation… please help :( Thx

    • Bj from United States says:

      Pray, seek Jesus, and find out what he wants you to do clearly in your life of sin, clear directions so that Jesus can show you what you must do next. A marriage not build on Christ is bound to fail. Make him the center peace.

  2. Brian says:

    (USA)  Thank you for the encouragement and insight. I’m so heartbroken right now. I have been married five years. Last year, my wife left for three days, but came back. At the same time this year–this morning, in fact–her and her family planned for her to leave me again. She says she needs to find herself, that we’re through for good. She didn’t even tell me where she was going.

    I had to find out from a friend that she had gone to stay with her father (who has never wanted us together). Her family even refused to attend our wedding because we didn’t have the money to do it their way. Anyhow, I love her more than life itself. I told her so and she replied that she didn’t care and that her mind was made up. I just don’t know what to do.

  3. FOREST says:

    (UNITED STATES)  I am reading a lot of comments here from betrayed spouses. I want you to know that I am also a betrayed spouse. I understand the pain. My wife left my 3 children and I and later returned.

    I want you to know there is hope. There is a chance that your marriages can be saved. It requires ACTION on your part!

    First, you need to stop asking the wayward spouses why they are having an affair. A wayward spouse DOES NOT think clearly. They are in what is called a “wayward fog.” It doesnt matter if we are speaking of a 50 year old man that cashes in his pension to buy a new car and leaves his wife and kids for a girl half his age; or a 45 year old woman that leaves her husband and children for a scumbag. It is a waste of your time to ask for a reasonable explanation. DO YOU ASK A DRUG ADDICT WHY THEY USE DRUGS? WASTE OF TIME!

    Second, affairs thrive in the dark. It is important to shine the light of truth on the affair by EXPOSING THE AFFAIR TO ALL FAMILY AND CLOSE FRIENDS. If the wayward spouses affair partner is married, the affair should be exposed to the betrayed spouse. If the spouses work together (very common), worship together, etc the affair should be exposed to the employer, pastor, etc.

    Third, try to meet as many emotional needs of the wayward spouse as possible. be as kind as possible, while fighting against the affair as strongly as possible. this is a carrot and stick approach; the carrot is a loving spouse (you) trying to meet your wayward spouses top emotional needs; the stick is the affair exposure, and holding the wayward spouse accountable.

    Waywards will often make statements like, “we are just friends,”; “I love you like a brother,” ; “I love you but I’m not in love with you”; “I need some space to myself”… These all translate to: I’m having an affair.

    Do not believe ANYTHING the wayward spouse tells you during and after the affair. Waywards will usually lie and say an affair is over after exposure; do not believe them.

    There is an anonymous forum you can join for help in your situations. It is marriagebuilders.com; click on forum on the upper right hand corner and join “surviving an affair”

    Lastly, remember: Waywards always blame the betrayed spouse for the affair. We are all accountable for OUR OWN actions. You are not responsible for your wayward spouses actions. You likely helped create an environment which made the affair more possible (by failing to meet your spouses emotional needs), but a person chooses to have an affair. Nobody is forced to have an affair. (Eve was not forced to eat from the fruit of the forbidden tree, she chose to. Adam chose to.)

  4. Lindsey says:

    (USA)  My name is Lindsey…I have been married for 7 years. I have 3 boys (5, 4, and 2)! My husband and I have seperated so many times; We recently seperated for 8 months now. He dated 2 people I know about and brought the women around my kids, etc. I definitely did not agree with that, but he did! He talked down about me to everyone and invited them to his work functions etc.

    Well, now we are working things out, but I still have this voice or emotion.. (something) I can’t explain eating me up inside. I dont know if I am just angry! I love this man so much it hurts. But he is over protective of his phone, facebook, etc. I gues my question is…Can you really work things out just knowing what really happened? As in sex in the bed, couch, and floor. I am in NEED of answers!!! Thanks

  5. Sharon says:

    (AUSTRALIA)  Hello to everyone involved in this discussion & all readers. I can sympathize & agree with some of the comments here. I am in similar situation to some.

    My husband decided to separate from me mid August 2011, after 18.5 years of married life together. It was shocking & upsetting for the feelings weren’t mutual. My husband even wrote me a letter he typed early morning the day he was leaving & gave it to me while he was present. He basically was saying we had grown apart, he was unhappy with our relationship, marriage & didn’t love me anymore.

    We have (which is common for many) had rocky times, many heated & not so heated arguments, conflicts, even a little domestic violence. Though we have also had many rich, happy, loving times & experiences together. I am thankful for having my only child; Mishka my girl with the tail (best companion~puppy~child), who I thought both of us cherished dearly. But it seems my husband can live easily enough without her. I thought we had so many good things worth retaining our marriage for.

    But my husband sees things differently, & no matter what I say or do, he is resolute to end our marriage. We have been separated for 6 months now & today he mentioned he will divorce me; when the time comes (in Australia couples have to be separated for at least 12 months before filing for divorce).

    I don’t want any of this & have done what I can to try to save our marriage. But what can I do further; when he won’t try/doesn’t want to reconciliate in anyway, shape or form & won’t talk about his reasons for leaving anymore? He just keeps saying he will never return home to live.

    He has moved a lot of things from our house including a lot of our books (ones he using/owns). I am finding it hard to move on. And as for dating or finding another partner to love/be with, I can’t see myself starting again with someone else. My husband & I had been a couple (before/during marriage) for 21 years. And it’s very hard to even consider the possiblity of finding a suitable & loving partner, getting used to each other as new partners, differing life styles too, being comfortable together. You see when couples are together for such a long time, & have so many known habits, familarity with each other & are used to each others natures, ways & so on. It is difficult in my experience to see myself starting this all over again with another person i.e. a suitable, appealing person.

    I believe marriage is for life, that’s the whole idea of it, the vows are there for good reasons. Nothing in life is just a stroll in the park, but also has roller coasters, rocky roads & the like. So I can take the good with the bad & pick up again, but unfortunately my husband as he said; can’t handle our relationship/problems anymore.

    So in my view the only times that separation/divorce should happen is in extreme circumstances, like adultery, incest, major domestic violence, alcholism/extreme drug abuse etc. I don’t think a person should separate or divorce their partner just because their marriage has had lots of arguments, ups & downs & even if they don’t love their partner anymore, or maybe they have only really lost the love on the surface, but deep down, it’s still there. As love can renew/rediscover itself; if both partners allow it, respect each other, their marriage & all they have given & sacrificed in marriage. Respect each others hopes & dreams. Isn’t this what marriage is really meant to be about? Being there as life companions/partners being mentors, best friends & lovers through it all whether good, bad or indifferent.

    Honestly, the amount of people who leave their partners and end their marriages is as we all know astronomical. But a lot of these broken marriages needn’t be if people have more faith, soul search & keep believing in each other as partners even in the tough times, even when they’re yelling at each other’s faces & think it’s hopeless. This is one of many of lifes’ trials to strengthen us as couples, individual living beings to test the vows. Actually the vows are also to help guide us keep us on the right track. But it seems many couples don’t look to the vows that they sacredly swore to uphold until death do they part. What happened to these ideals with lots of couples?

    On the other hand I still know & see many older generation couples i.e. 60+ years staying together, more so than younger persons do, even though they too have often had rough times & lot of arguments, and various ups & downs, personal health problems included, even drug abuse or alchoholism in some cases. I have witnessed my own parents heated arguing several times over the years, also doing this when I was a teenager/adolescent, & one of them threatening to leave the other on several occasions, though it didn’t eventuate as they are in their 51st year of marriage this year. To me, arguing is a normal part of life, marriage or any relationship with another person.

    I have just one last comment or question, really. Is is just the younger generations i.e. those that are in their 50′s or younger separating/divorcing or is this just as common in seniors worldwide, of course? I personally know up to 15 couples varing age ranges who have been through separation & divorce, and I am sure this has had a subconscious affect on my marriage.

  6. Johon says:

    (GERMANY)  Hi all. I need your advice. I have been married for 6 years. Even though my wife is a serious eplipticer she gave me two beautiful kids (1 and a half, 6m). Actually those last 6 years had been really a big challenge for me. Now I wanted to separate from her. My reasons 1. Deep family involvement by her side. 2. She doesn’t look after her at all. 3. My feeling is not with her any more. (I think I have fallen in love with a girl, with whom until now, I do not have anything.)

    I have tried to talk to my wife about the existing problems several times. She never payed any attention to it. But now my sense tells me it is time. Is it possible if once your feeling flew out of the window to come back in normal? What do you advice me?

  7. Gena says:

    (USA)  I have been married 3 years 1 month and 17 days. Though our marrige started out with nothing but lies on his part, I still gave my husband a chance to work out our differences. We have a beautiful daughter. At age 9 months I found out my husband gave me a STD and cheated on me with a stripper. My heart was completely torn. I felt like I lost myself in this ball of lies that he just kept on mounting.

    He begged me to work on our marriage because he loves me and has made a mistake. But to me, that’s a big mistake. He gave me a disease and slept with someone whom he claims he doesn’t know her name. I’m torn. For the last four months I have tried to forget what he has done but I can’t. It hurts too much. I don’t want to break our family apart but he has broken me down to the point I see no getting up. I filed for divorce but I haven’t had him served yet. Any advice would be of great help. I have no family to turn to, no friends. Please help me.

    • Scott says:

      (AUSTRALIA)  Hi, I feel your pain :( My ex left me because she said “all you want is sex;” I said no only with you. 10 months have past and she has slept with 3 guys and is loving it. My heart is broken and I can’t stop thinking about her. I’m going to try hypnotherapy today to stop it. I will let you know how it goes. Hang in there :)

  8. Paul says:

    (UNITED KINGDOM)  Came home to a note saying my wife “didn’t love me anymore” after being together for 16 years (married 13). We have an 11 year old daughter. I honestly thought we were happy. Everyday we told each other “I love you”. To say that this was a massive shock to me, is an understatement. I kept wondering, what have I done wrong? when I got the answer “It’s not you, it’s me!”

    Since we parted, she has started seeing someone else and is so insistant that we are finished! I’ve talked to her a number of times and everytime, she says we are through. It’s been nearly a year since we split up and being alone is driving me nuts! I do see my daughter often, which is great, but my separated wife wants nothing to do with me.

    So why should I not start seeing someone else? I have not in the hope of trying to get back with my wife, but she just doesn’t want to know.

  9. Scott says:

    (AUSTRALIA)  Hi, I have been separated for 10 months now and have just found out my ex/wife has slept with 3 guys since. I was faithful to her and her to me in our marriage, and I just cannot understand why she is shopping herself about now. I was sexually active and always complimented her, because those were not the women I fell in love with. I cannot stand the constant thoughts, in my head, of her with these others guys and what she doing with them.

    I spoke to her the other day and she was proud of herself and stuck it in my face. I have four children and my oldest, 12, is telling me her mum as acting like a 16 yr old skank. It breaks my heart. I wish she would give me another chance, so I can prove I’m a better person. I’m not perfect, but I’m not a cheater, gambler or basher.

    I fight every day, it seems, to stop thinking about her, but I feel I’m losing the battle. It’s easy for people to say, be positive, look after yourself, but I feel like a loser and that I have failed. I need help to move forward. I don’t know where to turn.

    • Anna from Australia says:

      Hi Scott! I don’t know why people are like that. I separated from my husband of 3 years last October cause he has been having affairs left, right, and centre since we got together. It probably is my fault cause I did not say anything about it and my last draw was when he did not prioritise me and chose to be with his girlfriend than pick me up from work on a night shift.

      We separated October, tried getting back on January this year but it only lasted a month. He’s moved out of the house March this year and I’m just confused. My parents don’t know what to say to me and I’ve got no one to talk to about it. just recently I met this guy. He is very nice to me and I’m just thinking when is the right time to tell him about me being separated or should I even go on with this? I’m certain there’s no chance of my husband and I getting back together. I’m just so confused at the moment. It’s good to get it all out sometimes.

  10. Melanie says:

    (CANADA)  Hello, I need help please… I have been separated from my alcoholic ex-husband for over a year now and we also have a 4 year old kid. Now, I am happy to say that I never want to ever go back to the kind of life I had with him. Same life for 8 years is enough, which was full of stressful situations, beatings, name callings… I have now found a wonderful guy who loves me and my baby truly and respects me. He wants us to live together. Question is: Can I move in with him while my ex and I are only separated. I am filing for divorce soon, but getting a divorce is so expensive that’s why it’s still taking this long….

    Please answer: Can I move in with him? What can my ex-husband do? Will I be taken to court for moving in with him? PLEASE HELP…

    • Cindy Wright says:

      Melanie, You are still married. Whether you are separated or not, you are still married, by law. Two things I’ve read, seems to apply here. Someone once said, “My biggest mistake was to believe the lie that because I hurt so badly, sinful solutions were acceptable.” You have a 4-year old child. Don’t try to rub out one hurt by piling on top of it a “solution,” which MAY seem right, but in the end, it isn’t. You are still married. As someone else said, which is true, “When we do wrong, we set in motion a cycle of complications.”

      Don’t complicate your life and your child’s by living with someone when you are still married. And don’t live with someone who does not honor you enough to pledge his life to you by marrying you first. Don’t lower your standards like that. What can your husband do? I don’t know. But I can tell you this, if you do what is right, you don’t give him the opportunity to hurt you worse. Expense or not, living together with someone else while you are still married (even if you aren’t) is wrong. Don’t teach your child that this type of behavior is right. If this other man is honorable, he will wait, no matter how much time passes. If he doesn’t, then he shows he doesn’t “respect” you as much as you now believe he does. EVERYONE usually looks loving and respectful beforehand. Time and honorable behavior over time will tell a truer story here.

  11. Carolyn says:

    (USA)  Hello, I was married to my husband for 9 years last year until I decided to file for a divorce in December of last year. We were separated for 2 years but for a year and a half he had been involved with a woman that he worked with. I was willing to reconsider getting a divorce and working on our marrigage until then.

    I know that part of our separating was mostly my fault because of how I treated him over the years we were together. But over all, I was pretty good to him. I was faithful, and I did my duties as a wife. We had two children together. One is 7 and the other 11. They seem to handle it pretty well. Better than most I guess. He started seeing this women back in 2010 and even though he was out of our house into a place of his own, we still continued to sleep together off and on.

    It wasn’t until the summer of 2011 when I learned of his affair. So out of my pain and lonelyness, I also had a brief 2 month affair but ended it quickly because I still cared for my husband. But he said that since we couldn’t really get along that well, that it was best to get a divorce. So I filed. Then he acted surprised when I did it.

    He is no longer involved with that other women so now it’s like he wants to woo me again. But it’s not the same. I told him that it was going to take some time to get past and heal. He doesn’t see what he did as cheating. But I told him marriage is still marriage, separated or not. We both messed up. But through most of the separation I still remained faithfull. Until briefly last summer. I didn’t lie to him about my affair and I wasn’t seeing him at all at the time. But he chose to still sleep with me and the other woman at the same time. I still hold some resentment toward him for that.

  12. Christy says:

    (UNITED STATES)  I was introduced to a man 6 months ago that was seperated from his wife for a year. We started dating and he said he would be divorced in about 3 to 4 months. We have had a great time, but also have had hard times due to me not knowing anything on the progress of his divorce. All I heard from him is that he had tried with a lawyer once, he got very upset with their fees and just walked out. He then has been hoping she would file first.

    She has said to me that they have had their ups and downs. She loves her husband, and that they will reconcile some day, that neither of them wants to file. She said they had 33 years together and 2 beautiful children. He on the other hand, tells me he will never go back and just cannot believe she has not filed yet. Where did this leave me?

    To no avail I broke it off with him and I am not going to go there since I am not with a man that is totally available to me as I am to him. He is wonderful, but I must take care of my emotions. I honestly feel he is not ready for a serious relationship, yet he enjoyed my company and all we did together. Has anyone experienced anything like this, and what happened in any of these cases? Thanks.

  13. Gabriella says:

    (UNITED STATES)  Wow, I can’t believe I have found this page. I have been dealing with my separation from my husband three months now. We’ve been married 27 years now. But since March we are separated. He found somebody, who he says he’s in love with. I am struggling with my “new” life what I have now as a single person.

    I still love him, more than he loves me. He tells me time to time that he loves me, but as a woman, and a wife of many years and experience, I know he does not love me anymore. We have two children, both adults now, and they are just as hopeless, and helpless as I am. But they love both of us so much and can’t or won’t interact with our marriage problems.

    It is so hard, when you found yourself from one day to another, alone and lonely, and the love of your life just doesn’t love you anymore. I feel so helpless and sad most of the time, and do not know what to do. But I’m glad I had the chance to at least talk about it. Thank you for this opportunity.

  14. Christina says:

    (UNITED STATES) Hello, my husband and I have been separated almost 5 years. The first year that we separated, we were trying to reconcile but by year two, he was dating another woman. We were still cohabiting, but he didn’t want to be with me so we just stopped talking. We share a four year-old together that he hasn’t seen since our son was eight months old and does not provide support for. Now he has a little girl with this new woman he is dating.

    At first, I started to date when I found out he was dating… I did date but I know that it is wrong. I have been celibate for several months now, and I plan to stay that way until I divorce and remarry. I am in no hurry for remarriage… I have gotten past the lonely stage and I am content with being alone as a single parent, working part-time as a full-time student at a local college. I do agree that dating while separation makes the new relationship harder… more so for me, bacause I know that the Lord will not send another man to me while I am still married to another… plus I do not want to be known for adultery or fornication.

  15. Michelle says:

    (USA) My husband and I separated due to fighting about money, late nights coming home and getting in each others face. I left because it had become a hostile environment. Its been 2 1/2 yrs. We tried to get back together once it ended up ugly because of unresolved issues. Police were involved. Twice and we ended up in court.

    Everything is over and resolved on that level. The drama is over and we are getting along well. We have even hung out with our children a few times. We still have separate houses. I dated a guy for 10 months this past year but ended because I’m not over my husband. He currently has a “friend” that he hangs out with alone and with our children. Four weeks ago I told him I wanted him back and for us to start fresh. We have never filed for divorce or even a separation. He was taken back and said he needed space and time to think about it. He won’t throw in the towel.

    He keeps seeing the woman and I’m just waiting for him to make a decision by the end of Sepetember, which is our anniversary. I can’t go into another year like this. I’m willing to do anything to make this work. He won’t hang out alone with me. The more I text, call, cry and express my feelings he pushes me away and says you left me. I have apologized. How do I get him back?

  16. Damian says:

    (USA) Hello my wife of 4 years and I have been separated for over 4 months. Last week she texted me to leave her alone to let her live her life. She further proceeed to tell me that she was seeing someone new and he treats her better than I could ever imagine. This has left me devastated. She has filed for divorce and swears she wants nothing to do with me anymore.

    She constantly berated me and belittled me and as a result I sought attention elsewhere. I never cheated but I did email pics of my genitals to women and she caught them a couple times. 4 months ago she got to the end of her rope I thought, and it got semi violent. I threatened her and I ended up in jail for a month. When I got out I sent her flowers. She called me and we started talking again, trying to work on things. However a month ago, after a nice weekend together, I messed up again and sent some pictures to an ex. She still didn’t trust me with good reason, and found the email. There was no intention with the emails. My ex chided me and challenged my prowess and I felt the need to prove her wrong. We have not seen each other in over 10 years.

    I know I was wrong and I am extremely remorseful for what I have done. She hates me so much now. All I want to do is fix my marriage and be a better man. I have been going to counselling and church and fixing myself. Since she has cut me out of her life and ignoring my calls and messages she has no way of seeing the man I have become. I am so lost and I have no idea how or if I can bring her back to me. She has told my friends and family that I caused her seven years of stress and she wants nothing to do with me anymore. Everyone is telling me to move on and let it go.

    I refuse to sign the papers. However, I think this is just making her more hateful towards me. She is used to having her way. She is very independent and believes she doesn’t need a man for anything, yet she is already seeing someone else. I don’t know what to think or how to feel. I am so hurt and I beat myself up because it is all my fault. I feel like I drove her into the arms of another. I truly want her back. She has refused to go to marriage counselling and just wants to end it. She is fed up and tired but I want to fix it.

    My mind races about what she is doing with this man. I am not in a good state. She truly is heartless now. Is there any hope for us? Can anyone offer a solution that may work in my favor. She says she is happy now with him but as much as she may believe that, it is always like that in the earliest. But once the honeymoon period ends, that’s when it really ends. She has to fix herself first but does not want to acknowledge that. No one wants to talk to her and she refuses to hear what anyone has to say. Please help.

  17. Lloyd says:

    (USA) Hi, I’ve been separated now for about a month, I am living with my mother while my wife and two children 14 and 18 are still living in the house, we have been married for over 20 years and the last 3 to 4 years we weren’t communicating like we should. She at one time was not overweight, but was not in the shape she is today…she looks amazing. The problem is while she started doing kickboxing and losing weight, I was not as supportive as I could have been and got jealous and envious. Other men were hitting on her and making comments on facebook; she never asked how I felt about that but she did know I was unhappy with it. She told me she has feelings for someone else and reassured me that nothing more than one kiss happened, she asked for a seperation so she has time and space to decide what she wants out of life and our marriage. I have never believed in prayer before and have now started if it will help me not lose my wife and family; I am still in love with her. Any comments or advice would be appreciated. Thanks

  18. Jane says:

    (USA) Wow… I have been married for almost 3 years and with him for almost six. I have been communicated what I did from him for 6 years and he just didn’t seem to get it! I started talking to another man as friends and didn’t know I would develop feelings for him. I believe I did now because I was so vulnerable. I talked to this man for two years off and on but never saw him in person but I felt an emotional connection because he paid me attention and told me how pretty I am and took the time to see how I was doing and feeling something my husband never did.

    I began to not want to be involved with my husband sexually because I felt that’s all I was good for and we both became more and more frustrated with one another. I finally told my husband it was over and I wanted a divorce (not because of the other guy because I did not want to be with this guy but because I was tired of being ignored as a human being and just used for sex). My husband then tried to be there for me a little more but I felt it was too late so I started to ignore him. I would not have sex with him at all because in my heart at that time I felt it was over.

    Well, about a month and a half after no sex hardly any communication… I decided I wanted to make it work and try hard and my husband agreed. To my disbelief I found out that during this time I said it was over he had slept with another woman twice. I was so devastated. My needs hadn’t been met for years but as soon as yours are not met you sleep with another woman. He had ended it with the woman when I said I wanted to be back with him and she was so bitter she decided to Facebook me and tell me about the affair. He admitted to it and said he was going to tell me. I cried and he cried. He was very remorseful and begged for forgiveness and asked me not to leave. I went into a deep depression. We lost our business and I’m just a mess.

    I, at first, agreed to work it out but I couldn’t get over the fact that he had slept with someone else so we separated. Its been about 5 months since all the drama and I’m still hurt. I emotionally cheated and he physically cheated but it’s hard for me to forgive him. I told him I wanted a divorce but I’m still not sure what I want. We have lost everything. He lost his job and I just don’t know what to do! Any suggestions?! We have a 4 year old son and he misses his dad a lot!

  19. Paul says:

    (USA) I don’t really run behind any girl since I was young thinking to be focused towards my goals in life. But when I went for my post graduation I saw a lady and started talking to her. She never gave me the wrong signals as she usually talks the regular stuff. But after a while she started sharing her home problems like she is separated and taking care of three kids two boys and one girl. She used to say that she is very upset as her husband is not giving her a divorce and he already got married and thought he is not giving any money so that she can take care of her kids.

    I was bit worried about myself thinking of the same that the first priority is my goal toward my life but getting along with her i starting coming to uni just to speak to her then after some time she started ignoring me then one day i thought to tell her the i like her so that i should not have anything in my heart thinking in future that i would have at least told her, I said i like you she said its so kind of you but she is not even thinking to get involve in any relation then i went for a holidays for around 2months but really i was thinking of her all days nights. when i came back i met her in uni asked her for a tea she said yes i spoke to me in a very polite way saying sorry that i might have hurt but she said you can understand she is is at the moment. we started meeting again with a very health conversations and now after a while ago i started thinking of her days and nights and my mind never thinks anything else rather than her. now i feel like telling her that if she can merry me but then i think the relation i have right now will not get effected as my hearts dosnt allow me to even see any other girl, i am 28 & she is 40.. please if anyone have a good suggestion..??

  20. Hollie says:

    (USA) I am a 34 year old christian mother of four. My husband and I have been married for 16 years. He repeatedly committed adultery with numerous women during the course of our marriage. He later said he gave his life to Christ. We just had a baby the past year of our marriage. He was very insistent about having another child because he wanted a boy. However we have another gorgeous daughter. 9 months after our baby was born, he decides he no longer loves me. He cites me as the reason for depression. He then moves out and in less than a month he is involved with someone who left their husband 2 months before. It is now 6 months down the road and they have been living together since July, 2012.

    I realize I was not the perfect wife but it’s really hard to trust someone with a track record like that. Our sex life seemed to be okay. I realize now that I too had some problems. I approached him and apologized and wanted a chance to right things as much as possible. I actually was taking the blame for the person he had helped to mold me into. I love the Lord with all my Heart and the one good thing that came out of this situation was my love for him being totally rekindled. I had wanted to be that good wife to him. He continually rejected me. You see I have always accepted him back with open arms, because I love him. Now I am feeling used, not to mention extremely lonely. I’m not even sure anymore which way I should go where he is concerned. I had been praying and fasting continually these last months for our marriage. I am growing weary. I am young and have four children to raise. I would love to have a Godly marriage with my husband, but it’s beginning to dawn on me that it may not happen. I now just want God’s will to be done in my life. I need some closure because it is just hard to give up. I need prayer. I want God’s will to be done in my life. I am now having a hard time due to lack of intimacy. What does one do?

    • Shannon from United States says:

      You are so courageous to still hope after all this. I believe you need to really pray and really read the Bible (I prefer KJV for language consistency, and authenticity). The answer is in there. You will need to pray for the Lord to give you peace about the right course of action.

      One thing I learned in adultery recovery is to allow yourself to believe that you do not need him. You must take care of yourself for the children’s sake, and build your relationship with the Lord. It’s so important to come out of co-dependent thinking (that you will die without him). You won’t die without him. You would not be in sin to discuss divorce with him, since he’s committing continual adultery and is joined with his harlot.

      The Lord sees all, and knows all. He loves you so much. Try to keep your emotions stable for the sake of the children, while being very honest with yourself and working to heal from the pain. Hope some of this helps.

  21. Roy says:

    (USA) If there has been adultery the trust has been broken for sure. How can you ever trust this person who promised to forsake all others? You no longer can. I would only stay if there were young kids involved, otherwise you should look for someone whom you can build a new trust with. Time goes by so fast you only have this one lifetime and it is very short. I would rather be with someone I can trust, without trust and faithfulness what do you have? Someone who will cheat. No thanks…

  22. Helen says:

    (USA) Well, where do I begin? My husband and I have been happily married for 34 yrs. This is not about my marriage… this is about a friend of mine. She is 26 yrs old, has been married for 7 yrs, and they have 3 children. She called me the other day. We met for breakfast and I am worried for her. Her husband is those types of husbands that controls every aspect of your life. But she also told me about an affair she is having.

    I did not hold anything back. I am also a born again Christian. I’m asking every born again Christian to pray with me for this couple who desperately needs prayer. (I gave her two dvd’s of JOEL OSSTEEN.) She text me and told me that she was going to sit down and watch thoses dvd’s and that her husband said that he would watch them with her. (Prayer changes things.) Thank you JESUS!!!

  23. Grace says:

    (US) Hollie: Have you met with your church’s elders (two of them) to discuss your marriage? Does your church practice Biblical Church Discipline (Matthew 18:15-17)? Order, including used, Dr. Jay E. Adams book on Church Discipline. It’s short, Biblical, and to the point. Your husband should have been disciplined before your church in the steps outlined by the Lord Jesus Christ in Matt 18:15-17 for his sexual immorality. You both should be counseled by your church’s pastors/elders. You are in my prayers.

  24. Samantha says:

    (CANADA) I think when you are separated from your current partner, if they left you, you should not feel guilty about dating someone else. My husband left my child and I in such a manner that it was inexcusable. He drained our bank accounts, ripped out communication lines and basically left us with nothing. Now I am ready to move on and he keeps trying to interfere by sending strangers to spy on us. He also has been stalking us and put a death threat on us because he cannot accept that it is over.

    I think finding a healthy relationship is what matters. I choose not to be with my former partner due to his actions and the manner he is acting in. My son and I need to worry about being safe and this is no way to live. If I can find a normal relationship and get a divorce, believe me, this is my only option to get away from this man. My son and I do not need to live in fear of our lives over some potential ex-husband who can’t accept it the way it is.

  25. Vince says:

    (USA) Well, I’m looking for some opinions on my situation. My wife moved to Florida to help sick mother and took on a job full time. She no longer takes care of the mother but doesn’t want to move back. I accepted that she was from Florida and dislikes the cold and the ice in the winter.

    My work is as a self employed contractor built from reputation. To start over again and move all my equipment would be difficult. We see each other when possible but after six years of being apart it’s getting old. I love my wife, but it seems we’re growing apart; she hardly calls. If I don’t call then I usually don’t talk to her. My youngest daughter lives with her.

    My daughter tells me she is not seeing anyone. We had four children together. I just want a woman to be there for me and me for her. I’m a very giving person. I feel if I don’t make the move then things will stay the same. She told me she will move after she retires. That’s another five years. I feel I’m in limbo. Any suggestions? Thanks.

    • Cindy Wright says:

      Hi Vince, You ask for suggestions, and here is mine. I think you should pack up and move to Florida to rebuild your marriage there. Sure, it will be tough and it will take a lot of determination and insight as to how to rebuild your marriage. But it can be done. And it will also be tough to build a business such as yours from the ground up, in a new location in this economy. But personally, I would find a way to do it. Or perhaps you can try to find a job in building maintenance or such and get out of the contract business. I’m not sure. Be open to thinking outside the box. It appears that this is what will be required to save your marriage and to save your family from being split apart emotionally. For the sake of your marriage and your family, I believe it’s worth it. Your family may be mostly grown, but having mom and dad together is still important.

      There are many who would squabble and say that the wife should go the way of the husband because biblically, he is the head of the home. I get that and yes, that would have been good. But it doesn’t appear that your wife will move, no matter what. Sure, she says in 5 years she may do so, but in 5 years, who knows what will transpire? I don’t believe it’s worth the risk of allowing more time, distance, and temptation “opportunities” for wrongful companionship to creep in and split your marriage further –probably permanently. I believe your being the hero here and doing the hard part of moving, not only geographically but outside of your comfort zone to restore your marriage and family, is a wise and brave thing to do. It will show your wife that you want to “be there” for her. That speaks love.

      You would need to go with a good attitude, realizing that this will be a tough move, though. Things will probably be rocky on a lot of levels at first. Your wife probably won’t embrace you invitingly saying, “my hero” (even though she should). And you will have a tough time moving in on what she might consider her turf, because she has established herself there. Plus, building your business anew, or getting another type of job will be tough too. But I believe with all my heart that if you can persevere with the right attitude for the sake of the good that could come out of all of this, it will be worth it. We need more heroes –more men and women who are courageous to step up to fight for their marriages and their families –to stick to their vows to be together for the rest of their lives. We don’t have enough people doing that, and I believe that’s part of the reason our society is such a mess.

      Yes, it may be that things will go haywire for a while, but maybe not. Who knows? None-the-less, I believe you would be doing the right thing and I believe the Lord would think so too. This is my humble opinion. I pray you gain wisdom on this. I hope you are able to restore your marriage. Basically, you sound like a good man who needs to put a little grit into your determination to not allow your marriage to drift to the wayside. I hope you will. I encourage you to pray about all of this. If you do, I believe you will know what you are to do.

  26. John says:

    (USA) This article implies that in order to date someone, you have to marry them. Ridiculous.

    • Cindy Wright says:

      No, you don’t have to marry someone that you date, you just have to NOT still be married to someone else while you date. You shouldn’t date someone if you’re married. Even if you’re separated, you’re still married. Dating someone else while you’re still married is what is ridiculous. Even if the spouse is abusive, adulterous, and a louse; you’re still married to him or her until you’re legally divorced. I agree with the author… don’t date while you’re still married. Completely cut this HUGE tie before you even consider looking elsewhere –even to the degree of going out with or casually dating someone.

      • Shannon from United States says:

        Well said, Cindy, because what do you have to offer a new potential mate when you are still legally, and probably emotionally, entangled with someone else?

  27. Lupe from United States says:

    Dear Sister in the Lord, I have been a woman under much abuse in my marriage for over 15 years. I love and admire my husband in other good qualities in His life. I have forgiven much, and continue to forgive, since I myself need My Lord JESUS’s forgiveness. I do not and never will condone any kind of abuse. But I want to share part of my testimony with you. Because I have suffered a lot, GOD in His mercy, has drawn me close to Him in a special way. He has comforted me and loved me in so many ways, only those that have lived in my shoes would understand that kind of love and comfort.

    But at the same time GOD has spiritually spanked me and corrected in my wrong thinking and theology. When we are in abusive marriages or bad marriages for that matter, Satan comes and tempts us to violate our 1 flesh marriage vows and covenant that we have with our 1st spouse, especially if our spouse is unkind and unbelieving. Jesus taught us that except for fornication, we cannot put away or divorce our spouse. When we study the original meaning of the word fornication in Greek, we understand that it’s fornication between two unmarried people. SO what was our Lord teaching us? The Bible teaches us that whoever puts away their spouse or divorces their spouses to marry another, which is adultery, since they are still considered married to their 1st one flesh covenant spouse.

    The Bible teaches whoever marries the divorced commits adultery with them. So the innocent party cannot remarry either. Why? Because of covenant vows that represent the church espoused to their 1 husband who is Christ. That is why the Bible always teaches that marriage is a mystery compared to Christ and the church. Fornication as JESUS taught would fall under remarriages that are not one flesh original covenant vows that are considered adultery to their original spouses or fornication with a person who is not considered their spouse under GOD’s commands. Second marriages are considered adultery in GOD’s eyes according to scripture. You would say how is that possible, if you become a Christian after a second marriage and don’t know better. The word of GOD corrects our sins, and if we’re truly Christians, we will repent.

    Herod, who killed and murdered the greatest prophet of all according to JESUS, John the Baptist, was in a second adulterious marriage. John told Herod to repent of this second adulterious marriage. He never condoned it. In order for Herod and His adulterious wife to repent, they had to separate and live celibate or Holy unmarried for the rest of their lives, or Herodias Herod’s adulterious wife had to repent and return through forgiveness to her first husband. Herod had to return to His first wife, if He had one, through forgiveness and repentance or like I said, live holy unmarried. Fornication would under these such second remarriages or homosexual forbidden marriages, or in Jewish custom, there was a year of courting, and if the husband found His wife to be unclean or not pure, or fornicating, HE could put her away.

    Joseph, and Mary were an example of this. Joseph being a just man, wanted to put her away privately. Joseph was not aware at the time, that Mary was conceived of the Holy Ghost. So Joseph could put Mary away before their 1 flesh covenant vows were consummated through ceremony and intercourse. The disciples understood JESUS teaching, so they replied to our Lord, If this is so with the man and His wife, it’s better to not marry. Why? Because even if our spouse committed adultery it doesn’t give us the right to remarry and commit adultery, as well. We have to live celibate Holy and unmarried, or forgive our spouse and reconcile after much prayer and forgiveness.

    If you are in such marriages, I encourage you to carefully study the scripture and this topic with much prayer, fasting, reading of GOD’s word, to find yourselves approved rightly dividing the word of truth not being ashamed. Ask the Holy Ghost to guide you into all truth. My theology was so wrong, and because of abuse, I looked forward to my husband maybe committing adultery on me so I could move on and remarry what I thought would be a better spouse. I was soooooo wrong. I repented and GOD forgave me, but GOD has taught me to persevere, forgive 70 times 70, turn the cheek, love and fast for my husband. I do believe the Bible gives permission to separate if the situation is unhealthy and necessary, but never for lust or adultery. We ought to remain unmarried or reconcile to our spouse when possible.

    GOD bless you. Please pray about your current marriages. Though we have our carnal nature that desires to sin, as repented born again converted believers we aught to live Holy, not taking the grace of GOD as a form of liberality as the Bible teaches, not trample over the blood of JESUS. Eternity is forever to get this wrong. Fornicators and adulterers will not inherit the kingdom of GOD. Love you in the love of our beloved Savior YESHUA, Lord JESUS! Narrow is the way and very few find it, may we be found worthy of Him on that day! Blessings.

    • Shannon from United States says:

      I am meaning this respectfully, but isn’t having sex with someone else’s spouse –sex between two unmarried people? I really am concerned with the truth also. I think the bottom line is somewhere between what you can endure, and whether or not the adulterer (a type of fornication) is repentant or not. If the sin is continual, there is a deeper issue. I totally respect your decision. I, myself, made this decision when my adulterous husband had repented. Now that he has separated, and considers himself single without ever having divorced, he’s showing a renewal of the sin. We’re allowed, if there is no reconciling, due to complete willful refusal to repent, to change our minds and make a different choice.

      Jesus/Yeshua talked about the reason Moses gave the writing of divorcement, for the hardness of the men’s hearts. A woman that was hated by her husband, before this writing, could literally be “shelved” without her due (mentioned descriptively in the Old Testament). She could be set free by the writing of divorcement, but the husband who had put away his wife was not allowed to take her back again once she had been with another man. Most people don’t realize that the original writing of divorcement was given by Moses as a form of mercy to the unloved wives –not for husbands to escape their obligations. The men already had all the rights. Moses, under the Lord’s direction was equalizing the playing field.

      Jesus was holding men (and women) accountable for their commitment to their spouse by what he said. He did not cast down the law or the prophets. The writing of divorcement was still a law in good standing before, during, and after His ministry on earth, until all is fulfilled –a merciful law. He was just calling men to LOVE rather than shelve or divorce their wives, as they loved themselves. He was (and still is) set upon awakening conscience, and new life through the Holy Spirit’s renewal of the mind.

      We as Christians/Messianic believers are called to the highest possible moral standard. But I would never advise a woman to stay in an abusive situation. I’ve been there and done that. If a man is abusive to his wife, he’s also abusing the innocent children that need their mother to stand up inside and protect them –from seeing such a terrible thing.

      Jesus acknowledged every legal marital state of the Samaritan woman at the well. He told her she had had five husbands (not one that she had committed adultery against), and He told her that the one she had at the time was not her husband. So, she was shacked up with him, whether he was single or married to someone else, she was not married to him. I love that Jesus stated all of this because there’s a lesson for us. God regards the legal marital state.

      People in affair lifestyles aren’t in their right minds, and patience is a virtue, but it’s also a choice. Not every marriage can be saved. It takes two to be able to really save a marriage. If your spouse divorces you and remarries, what are you going to do? Continually hope for him to end his new marriage to come back to you? Speaking hypothetically about all of us here. Or do as Yeshua says and turn the cheek, and resist not evil?

      The easy yoke and light burden is found in acceptance of what actually is. It’s good to fight for your marriage, and I mean through every spiritual means possible, warfare, effective prayer, and praising God for what is going on (as He has our best interest at heart).

      I didn’t find the easy yoke or the light burden until I stopped striving against what my husband was bound and determined to do. If he divorces me, I will not resist it. And I will not believe that if he remarries that I’m not likewise free to remarry.

      This is why it’s very important to keep in His word and keep in prayer, to be able to discern when over is over. Hope I didn’t offend you. I’m sure I didn’t change your mind, but wanted to bring that up about original intention of the writing of divorcement being for mercy to the displaced wife. God bless.

  28. Ursula from South Africa says:

    Hi, I am have been with my man for 3 yrs but married for 4 months now. He committed adultery and moved to stay with another woman a month after we got married. We are on separation but he still tells me he loves me and doesn’t want to see or hear that I am dating any man until he has sorted his affair issues with the other woman. We don’t have kids together but he was cheating with his exgirlfriend for which they have two kids together but never got married. Can anyone help me on how I should handle this situation? Whether to divorce him and let it go or I should try and wait for him and start rebuilding my broken marriage? Please help.

  29. Roy from United States says:

    You should never start a second relationship before your first one has run it’s course. Separated is still married. You may end up reconciling with your spouse, then the second person will have wasted their time with you. You shouldn’t do that to the second party. Just tell people that ask you out, you will get in touch with them if you ever get divorced. This way there’s no cheating involved. There is no justifying cheating. It’s just plain wrong to do. You might get pregnant or get someone else pregnant or catch a STD, then what? Better to wait til your situation get’s resolved is a better way.

  30. Ed from United States says:

    My wife joined match.com almost immediately after we separated. Full disclosure: I’m a recovering alcoholic and was asked to leave but was promised that we’d engage in marriage counseling. I found an apartment but am now told by my wife that she has no interest in marriage counseling. I understand it was hard to be married to me and take full responsibility for my alcoholic ways, but I’m now in recovery and haven’t had a drink in over two months.

    While I understand that doesn’t make up for 17 years of dealing with my alcoholism, I also don’t understand why she went to a dating site before the body was even cold, so to speak. She said she hadn’t felt that spark/connection in a long time, and I understand that. I hoped beyond hope that she would be open to at least entertaining reconciliation but I guess that’s not going to happen now. I took screen shots just in case. If by the grace of God we can end up in counseling together (we go separately to the same therapist), trust will be an issue we’ll both have to regain. Pray for us please. I love this woman so much and am so ashamed that I wasted good years in the bottle instead of working with my wife for a better marriage. Maybe I’m just getting what I deserve.

    • Shannon from United States says:

      If neither of you has genuinely committed adultery or is engaged in an emotional affair, there is still a LOT of hope. Keep praying. Court her… You go to therapy without her, and let her see you in a different light. Tell her you don’t want a divorce, and ask her to please have the courtesy to not date another man until your relationship is entirely resolved. Usually when a woman engages in an affair (even hypothetical) she is on her way out, and done trying.

      Perhaps you could say your heart in a letter. If you know her love languages, you could begin loving her through thoughtful acts or words, and other attentions that have meaning to her. That might be a way to go about this. Don’t give up on trying to get her to come to therapy with you. Date her. If you never have, you can begin making up for lost time.

      If you cheated on her during your alcoholism, you will need to work hard to win her back, but it’s still possible. This is an excellent ministry that may be able to help you: http://beyondaffairs.com/beyond_affairs_network_seminars/free-teleseminars/ Those are free seminars I linked you.

  31. Kendra from United States says:

    Hi, I am legally separated from my husband in the process of getting a divorce. I recently got a new boyfriend and I was wondering, can my soon-to-be ex husband get me on adultery?

    • Cindy Wright from United States says:

      Perhaps, but that’s not the bigger point. You aren’t even completely past one relationship, and yet you get a “new boyfriend?” Kendra, you have issues you have to work through. Marriage isn’t something that you hop into and hop out of and then go for another person who happens to make you feel good while you’re “in the process of getting a divorce.” No matter how bad your marriage was… you’re still legally married right now. A “legal separation” doesn’t change that. Please read through the rest of that topic on “Separation and Divorce” … hopefully, you will see that you have some emotional work and legal work to do before you’re even CLOSE to having a straight head and a freed heart to get “a new boyfriend.” Marriage and divorce is serious, serious business. It should be as serious to you as it is to God… and it’s VERY serious to him.

      I’m sorry to say that a “new boyfriend” shouldn’t even be close to being on the radar screen right now. Please make higher standards for yourself than what we see going on around us. People are jumping and and out of marriages, like popcorn. Part of the reason is because we’re so in love with the high that new love brings that we lose all reasoning as to the care we should take to guard our hearts. You are still married. And yes, it’s still adultery, even with the legal separation.

    • Cindy Wright from United States says:

      Kendra, I just read something that might better explain what I was trying to tell you about the “work” that needs to be done before you even START to consider “moving on” to a new relationship –particularly when you aren’t even divorced from your husband yet.

      Coach and speaker Mia Davies, posted the following on her Facebook page: “I’ve been in relationship after relationship since I was 17, engaged twice, and even married once. I never fully gave my heart to any of these men, I was always on guard and I always left before I could get hurt. At the beginning of this year I committed my life to God and I also committed to being single for a season so God could heal my heart. God has been doing complete heart surgery on me and pulling out the roots of bitterness that I didn’t even know were there from childhood. He has been teaching me what love is and showing me how to trust love. It’s the scariest thing I’ve ever experienced but it’s scary in a good way… Like a roller coaster ride :) When you ask God to heal you be prepared for major transformation Life will never be the same.”

      Kendra, here is a coach –someone who KNOWS about relationships that are here today and gone tomorrow, and yet she came to realize that she had (has) her own work that needs to be done. There has been hidden baggage in her heart that she had never properly dealt with until she stopped popping in and out of relationships. Once you become involved romantically with someone else, it becomes all about them and you and them (at least for a season)… it stunts the work that needs to be done –the attention and energy you extend each day is diverted into another direction.

      You are severing a marriage… there are bound to be some hurts that need to be properly addressed and issues that need to be settled (rather than pushed down and looked past because you are now bringing another complicated human being into your life. He may not appear complicated yet, but wait! We all have baggage and sooner or later his will mix with yours and all the unsettled business you had from your present marriage and from your past will eventually be thrown into the mix (because you didn’t take the time to work through the issues before you prematurely jumped into another relationship). Please step back from this “boyfriend” thing and work on the issues before you with your present marriage. Please don’t complicate your life even more. The ink isn’t even dry (or even applied yet onto a certificate of divorce), and you’re already getting cozy with someone else. Again, you are still married, whether you want to acknowledge it or not.

  32. Sandile from South Africa says:

    She blocked me to whats app while I am was requesting and I called her the following day. She picked up the cell and she said boldly I won’t accepted you. We were young when we got married. I was 23 she was 17 and lots has happened. It’s been 10 yrs. We are separated and we have a son together. I am seeking help.

  33. Leonord from South Africa says:

    Hi, I still love her and still am not dating after 10 months of separation. I’ve been with my wife for 10 yrs, married for 3 yrs and she used to tell me that she is not in love with me any more. Sometimes she told me that she is mad about me. I noticed that when I’m at work she is not sleeping at home so I decided to help her find employment in the company I used to work for.

    I spoke with my senior on her behalf and she was permanently employed. She met someone there and started dating. She left me and stayed with that guy from then till date. Its been 9 months now and they are pregnant. I believe in healing by myself but I’m far from that. I’m confused and angry so I decided to just keep quiet coz her mother is always against me. She call me from time to time. I am still hurting and feeling very angry, so time is what I am willing to give.

    • Shannon from United States says:

      You might want to look into one of the healing from affairs type ministries that has a healing alone division. You will need to heal by yourself, but you really want to get that done, before looking into moving on in your life. Anne & Brian Bercht have a division called Take Back Your Life. Here is a link for their ministry and some very helpful free seminars. http://beyondaffairs.com/beyond_affairs_network_seminars/free-teleseminars/

      For me, hearing the stories of others is healing, so you definitely came to one of the right places. Don’t try to go it alone, bitterness is just not what you want, and neither is despair. I believe holding onto someone that has definitely moved on, onto hope that they will return rather –is desperate, and leads to despair (I know this from experience). Accepting what is, and mourning the deep loss you have experienced is healthier. I have been to both places, more than once, and am finally in mourning what may never be again, and practicing letting go.

      You can still pray for her, but to pray for her to return to you is probably only going to end up hurting you. You need to look to your own well being, and your own relationship with the Lord. He loves you and has all the answers you need, even about future relationships. Abide under the shadow of His wings, forgive her, and go on, because you are not really in a relationship at all anymore. Not fighting that will mean healing faster. God bless.

    • Rose from South Africa says:

      Dear Leonard, Our Heavenly Father is going to keep speaking to your beloved spouse over and over again, softly at first and then more loudly to get your spouse’s attention. God does speak. He speaks to His children twenty-four hours a day. Don’t give up! Listen for your instructions and know God’s timing is always perfect.

  34. Mark from United States says:

    I’ve been separated for 6 months. I thought my wife and I would work things out after she sent me an email stating we should seek professional counseling to work things out. I was fooled. The same day we were texting discussing what route we should take, I started receiving text intended for someone else. They were planning a date that same day. I tried to call her to let her know she was texting the wrong man, she wouldn’t answer. I continued to get her text until she caught it. Well, to make a long story short, I discovered this last Thursday she had moved to Dallas, TX. The whole time she had me believe she was still in town but just needed space.

    The reconciliation has to come from both parties. I can only assume she’s dating but I have no real visual proof except for the text. The biggest flag was before we separated. She posted on her FB page she had to get rid of someone in her life. I asked her about it and she was very defensive, blocked me from seeing her post and her friends list. She was hiding someone or something written she didn’t want me to see.

    I can only assume that she is already dating and really wants a divorce but will not say so. As stated, she moved to another state and didn’t say anything. That brings serious doubt to us working things out. For the last 2 years, she has put distance between us. We only went out as a family, never husband and wife. She’d come home from work, speak only and go upstairs and get on FB. Some weeks we spent a total of 20 minutes together and she thought that was enough. Even her mother defended the amount of time was ok. She argued with me almost everyday, sometimes from 7 am, after work, before bed. If I said I wanted a hug it would turn into an argument. I honestly feel she had plans of getting out of the marriage but didn’t want to be the one to initiate it. I think she wanted to push me to say I want a divorce.

    It’s a tough situation. Both men and women are victims of this. We hear more from the women because some of us men don’t want to appear vulnerable or weak. Will I date again, sure. When? I’m very open about my status if asked. I’m still married yet separated. NC law says 12 months and a day. I have 6 more to go. If a woman is interested in getting to know me, it’s friends only. I don’t want anything that’ll create emotional, mental, spiritual or physical confusion. It’s tough not having the company of my wife, even harder to understand why this is happening. Only God knows why and only God can heal any wounds.

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