Dealing With Anger And Grief After The Betrayal

man's angry fist dealing with anger - Pixabay punch-316605_640Marriage Missions Note: Please know that we recognize that sometimes men betray their wives and sometimes women betray their husbands. This particular article is written from the vantage point of the betrayed wife. If you are a husband who is betrayed, please change the pronouns and glean through the information so you can be ministered to, as well. Above all, we hope this article helps you in some way.)

After the discovery of the betrayal, the spouse’s emotions are usually intense. The anger, hurt, bewilderment, betrayal, and numbing shock are almost overwhelming. The betrayed spouse will be angry, and she needs the freedom to ventilate her rage.

It’s Important HOW You Say It

The language of anger is never pleasant. However, it is not only OK to say it with intensity and force, but it is absolutely necessary for true recovery to occur. People do not get better until they get mad.

If denied, that anger “goes underground” and eats away at the innermost spirit of the person. It is very important for the violated spouse to be free to express the rage that he or she feels.

After the first surge of anger comes the need for information —what happened? When did it happen? How often did it happen? And so on. This is the time for the violated spouse to ask the offender those all-important questions. Men seem to want to know the details of the sexual activity; women commonly report wanting to know if their husband loves the other person. Whatever the need, the information is important and shouldn’t be squelched.

Hiding Info

There is no good reason to hide information from the injured spouse at this point. The precious marriage vow lies shattered on the floor —there is nothing left of the marriage to protect. Therefore, the infidel who has been discovered should share each and every bit of information that his partner wants to know.

Often the infidel thinks that as the questions come, he should tell only what he thinks is appropriate, so he withholds details, covering up certain aspects of the trail. Nothing will anger the wounded spouse more than being subtly deceived at this point by double talk or half-truths. Eventually, all truth will be known anyway.

This is the time to tell it all, or at least tell it at the level that the spouse wants to hear it. There’s a difference between the two. Many of my counselees who have gone through recovery from affairs say that getting into too much detail can create tortuous mental images for the injured spouse that can haunt her for years. But you need to walk this fine line of disclosure and honesty carefully, and be sure to err on the side of too much disclosure rather than too little.

The Ideal:

Of course, it would be to satisfy the spouse’s need to know without ignoring any major revelations. The main point is to own up to what you have done and to admit humbly the full range of injury and transgression. Don’t try to alter the facts subtly to protect yourself. Just as deceit is no way to build a relationship, it’s no way to rebuild a broken one.

Withheld information becomes “unfinished business” that will have to be dragged along through the balance of the marriage. The more time that passes without the unfinished business being revealed, the more difficult it will be to bring it up. Should the marriage stay together, this secret will become an albatross around the neck of the infidel, who will have wished that he or she had completely “come clean” at the anger stage, when it was the most appropriate and helpful.

The Spouse Now Holds the Reins

The power to continue the marriage has now passed into the hands of the wounded spouse. Her reaction —whether to process the affair is that if she expresses as much rage as she feels, she will drive her spouse into the arms of his partner. That could happen; but, remember, he has already been in his partner’s arms. You couldn’t keep him out of her arms before you knew about it; now simply being angry is not going to drive him to her-more is involved here than that!

Besides, there is nothing of the marriage left to protect by “walking on eggshells” at this point. If you are going to live together in harmony in the future, you need to live together differently. It’s time to start over. The most sacred aspects of this marriage have already been violated. Now you both have to begin to rebuild.

Grieving the Loss

During the anguish phase, some recovery can begin. But it won’t be steady progress —rather it will probably be two steps forward and one step back. It’s a rocky time emotionally, but that’s part of the normal process of grieving the losses. There is loss of trust, of the one-pure marital relationship, and so on.

Just about the time that the violated spouse thinks he/she is getting over the pain, it will suddenly resurface. But be encouraged. Gradually the pain will become less intense and less frequent. You will find the good times between the down times will lengthen.

This grief process is similar to grieving the death of a spouse. Violated spouses do indeed report many responses that parallel those of widows.

Some of Their Feelings:

• They feel abandoned by their mate.
• They feel alone in their grief.
– It’s common to feel as if they could have done something to prevent this.
• They feel like a marked person. They don’t fit in with normal couples anymore.
• They have a lot of unfinished business with their spouse that is now off-limits or has been overshadowed by what has occurred.
– Plus, they feel terrified of the future.
• They feel they should be doing better than they are.
• They will pretend nothing has happened (such as the widow who sets a plate for the lost partner at the table).

Grieving is important, but it is even more important to know what you are grieving for. Some find it helpful to list the losses on paper. I recommend that you try that, being as transparent and honest as you can.

Crying in front of other people as you process your grief is perfectly permissible. Grief isn’t always predictable, not always controllable. It is certainly all right to cry in front of the infidel. In fact, he needs to see and feel the damage his actions have wrought. Be totally honest about your sadness.

Guarantees

One of the first things an angry and grieving spouse wants is the guarantee that this will never happen again. Often Christian spouses think that if they can just get their infidel partner to walk the aisle to the altar, confess his/her sin in front of the congregation, read his Bible daily, or be convicted by the Holy Spirit or disciplined by the church, all will be well. But nothing could be further from the truth. Any or all of those practices might be appropriate, but none of them will provide the guarantee that the wounded spouse is looking for.

The closest thing to a guarantee that the infidel won’t stray again is for him to feel fully the pain that he has caused the wounded spouse. Let me underline this point: promises to “behave” won’t endure; neither will artificial boundaries such as a curfew each night after work.

Remedy

The only lasting remedy is for the infidel to feel the agony he has caused his spouse. If he truly loves his mate (and he usually does down deep; that’s why they got married and why he came back), that will hurt him so much that he won’t want to inflict more on his loved one. But getting the infidel to experience the hurt of the spouse won’t happen immediately —it could take many months. Remember it will take as long to recover from the affair as it did for the infidelity partner to get involved in it. So allow some time for him to feel her pain.

This article comes from the book, Torn Asunder: Recovering From an Extramarital Affair -By Dave Carder, Moody Publishers. This book is very comprehensive and is a great practical guide for dealing with extramarital affairs. It’s very comprehensive because it carefully sorts out the different kinds of affairs and deals with each kind —giving very practical and insightful information. It doesn’t lump all infidelity together “giving over-simplistic spiritual answers.” It’s practical because “it deals with daily, gut-level issues both partners face.”

—ALSO —

Here’s another related article —this one written by Anne Bercht, who understands about anger “after the betrayal” because she dealt with it after her husband cheated on her. Whether you are a man or woman, the following advice could be helpful if you apply the principles that will work for your marriage after reading:

DEALING WITH ANGER AFTER AN AFFAIR

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Comments

607 responses to “Dealing With Anger And Grief After The Betrayal

  1. (USA)  I found this site by coincidence, or was it? I have read some of the comments and I cried with some of your comments also. I can identify totally and completely, as I found out Nov 15 2010 that my husband of 36 years was having an emotional affair with a woman for about 8 years. He claimed they never had sex, but were intimate to the point of caressing, kissing etc. Let me tell you all, that this time of infidelity hurts just as much as the sexual infidelity because his heart, time, money and attention was all going into this affair.

    I have to accept some of the blame for ignoring all of the warning signs, and lack of his attention and kindness to me. I just chalked it up to our marriage being in a rut. Well, it was in a rut for me, but not for him. He was giving all of his kindness and attention to this women 14 years younger that he. They were soul mates.

    He was leading a double life for many years. He would come home every night after meeting secretly with her. He had no pangs of guilt or concious when he walked in the door to our marriage. He would e-mail her from our marriage bed planning their next time to be together. He would get up around 4am to send emails and texts to her. He saw her Mon-Sat. every evening after work. I trusted him, when you are married to someone.

    The infidelity was revealed to me through divine intervention as I said I ignored all of the subtle signs. Its been 4 and a half months now. I am not handling this well. I explode with rage, I feel extremely betrayed, I turn the anger inward and become depressed to the point of wanting to end it all. I have no escape from these feelings of anger, heartache, and depression. When I feel some days I am moving forward, something will cause me to become angry and hurt and relapse.

    Thanks you all for sharing your stories, it makes me feel that I am normal and not losing my mind. I just don’t know how long it is going to take to process all of these feelings and get past this pain.

    1. (USA)  Noelle, Don’t blame yourself. There may have been “signs” many of us saw and ignored… but the universal truth is we trust completely and that betrayal hurts. Don’t accept some of the blame because you trusted him. Trust is critically vital if your marriage will succeed. Be certain to find a good marriage counselor to work through this. It is unhealthy to go this alone or trying to work it out just the two of you. At the least a common “non-best friend” from either side of the relationship that you both respect (pastor?) can act as a mediator when things are tough.

      Also don’t hold back. I ingested my pain and buried it deep and true to the article, it has slowly acted like a cancer in my life where 5 years later my lack of trust in my wife is showing in our relationship. Do I love her? Absolutely. Have I forgiven her, Yes. Are things better? Far more, we share an incredible relationship… Do I trust her? …well …no. Now I’m having to walk through the pain of all the betrayal, embarassment, distrust, disaster of a situation because I didn’t allow it to come out back then. Let it out where and when you need to.

      Tim, Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

  2. (INDIA)  I read almost all, and why someone needs to read these comments? The reason is very obvious… I think my situation is different than many. After knowing about my wife’s betrayal with my best friend, my senior, my neighbor… I was devastated. He is 11 year older than me, and my wife 8 years younger than me. You can imagine how we are trapped because of respect for a person who used to be my senior on the same campus. He fixed me, along with the help of his wife.

    Knowing this, I felt my wife is a victim of circumstances the way I am. I felt cheated on, not by wife, but my family, friends, more… why??? Maybe because of age differences… or may be because of his position… as he is senior to me. So it was easy for them to fix me… like sending me out on duty so that he can be with my wife, using his wife to call my wife at her place so that I wouldn’t have any doubts. I used to respect them a lot… more than my parents and brother, as I considered him to be my mentor. You can see the age of all… My wife 25… me 33… his wife 39 and he 44, at the time of all of this happened. I got to know about it after 5 years.

    Now I feel like killing him and his wife… but worried about my daughter who is 8 year old, because there will be outrage in the society. What should I do?? Can you give suggestions?

    At the moment I’m avoiding even confrontation, with the reason being… people will ask why? What happened? My family reputation is at stake.

    I don’t remember when I slept properly, the last time. I feel a lot of anger and frustration. I wish if I’m alone… I don’t need anyone arround me. 3 people who were my closest and dearest… all together collided and betrayed me… why?? None of this was my fault. My fault was only that I trusted them the most.

    Let me tell you… they are criminals …how? Just imagine, after knowing all… I would have committed suicide, or would have killed my family, or something of that kind. I mean, they had created situations for me… they almost murdered me. I die everyday, every moment. My health is taking a toll. Is not this a slow death for me? is not this a murder?? I need to know much more. Any reply… Please…

    1. (ENGLAND)  Hi Raj, I know how you feel exactly. I found my wife was having an affair on February 14th – Valentines Day, with a man she had a fling with over 20 years ago. This man nearly broke our marriage back then as I was going to leave my wife but she pleaded for me to stay with which I did and we recovered. However, she happened to bump into him again before Christmas and another affair started.

      We are now separated as she still intends to see him. We have been married 34 years and when I found out about the affair she changed from being my wife to being a complete stranger with no emotion for me and constantly lying about everything, a complete character change. I just cannot get my thoughts straight to how someone you considered being your soul mate can act like this without any feelings for you.

      I considered killing her partner more as revenge as I knew this would upset my wife to a point where she would be hurting and feel the pain and suffer as I have/am. But the problem is you would then face a long prison sentence or have to commit suicide and as you stated it will affect the extended family and friends. I do not think giving up your life and upsetting those others that love you, is worth it. But the thought of it seems to make you feel better knowing that you have the power to destroy their world.

      I am suffering everyday. Some days are better than others but I cannot at this stage see any future, so I just take each day as it comes. So my message to you is try to think positive and think about the people who love you and not the people that do not, as they are not worth your love.

    2. (USA)  I feel everything you feel right down the smallest detail. Adultery is illegal in my state but, they didn’t bother to arrest my husband or her. My husband didn’t use protection with this STRANGE woman and it turns out she has had crabs, has herpes and may have passed an intestinal worm on to me. She may even have HIV I’m 98 pounds since 12-20 (I was 140). I have all the symptoms of starvation and may have to be hospitalized. My kids are 21, 13 and 8. My baby girl needs me and is afraid.

      This has destroyed so much and my husband keeps using the analogy of accidently running over somone’s kid and being sorry. This was not an accident, he knew what he was doing, threatened me with it for years and was in blatant rebellion against God.

      I told him that as sorry as he is for running down that hypothetical kid, it does not undo dead, now does it?

      I don’t have any magic words for anyone, some days I can barely get out of the bed but I sincerely do believe God at His word and He says He will deal will all. That is what this sin does. It is clearly defined all through Scripture. Three people have called me “Job” I really don’t want to hear that anymore. My body is dying and it is very painful.

      Please hang on to God’s promises and hang on with me.

  3. (USA)  An affair is indeed the worse pain I have ever experienced. My ex-husband had an affair with our neighbor’s best friend, and left me for an older woman while I was pregnant with his second child, whom he denied was his.

    It’s now two years later, and now getting married. I’m over him but the pain of her being my children’s stepmother pains me deeply, especially since I knew her. I feel defeated by them, and feel as though I’m the only person suffering the consequences of the affair… I’m hurt, alone, and struggling financially, while they play family with my daughters. I tried dating and found myself only being used. I feel hopeless and discouraged… A living nightmare that never ends…

  4. (USA)  At the almost 4 month mark, I will say that I have learned a few things. As the victim of this horrific betrayal, I want my husband to be sorry enough to take it all back and that is IMPOSSIBLE. I warned him for years this was coming and told him while he was in it that it would destroy everything but he smirked, even mocked me and said I didn’t know what I was talking about.

    Now he is beyond sorry and sick over all he has done to God, me, our kids/family and his testimony and although he admits that I told him so, it doesn’t undo what he did and all the pain I felt for so long watching this coming at me and my home. The stark reality is that while in all that, he loved her more than me, his own flesh says God. He loved the devil more than Christ (for men love darkness rather than light; it is Biblical) and although King David did it all and God still called him a Man after His own heart, I have to wonder if my husband was “Saved” at all. I consider that a very real possibility and he doesn’t like to acknowledge that but if that were so, He was a wicked, lost, reprobate and I believe, has made sure he was saved since this broke but you cannot continue to lie and think you are okay with God. That is more of the devil’s deceit.

    All the things that people around the world write are all the same because it is the same author-Satan. He attacks familes/marriages which are God’s perfect plan for us in love, kids, commitment and righteousness. Adultery is illegal in my state yet no one will carry out that law. Any other offense of the law gets punished but not this because it’s considered a moral issue and who are we to call sin, sin? It is murder of so much but this is the devil’s world and they just don’t see it that way. If we saw sin the way God did, we would make a better effort to live right. When my body finally gives out, he will not be charged with murder. If I had contracted her disease, which would have definitely killed my already weak body sooner, they would not have been charged with anything and if his continued lies killed our daughter-No charges.

    He saw our baby gettting sick because he swore on her life that he didn’t do what he did but when he confessed it she immediately got better! God is the same God of Old Testament and works just as He says He does. Many do not believe that! This adulterer often says things out of frustration and in retaliation over the things (I) say even though what I say is all true, it’s still so ugly and he knows this scab has done this to other familes for money but he will say I’m just like her. I have told him each time he says that-No matter his reasoning-he chips away at what little I have left and although he is still here with me, he is making me not want him and not want to try.

    I’m down to 101 pounds and my body has suffered so much damage. I believe I will die from this but it’s so slow. Like a plane headed for the earth, I would rather it just explode in mid air! I forgave the first story only to find out it was all lies then he continued to lie for 3.5 months whether it was out or pride or shame it kept the devil here and on me and I knew he was still lying because I know how he behaves with a female he thinks he is in love with, I was her once and I saw him sacrificing all he had for her. EVEN JESUS CHRIST. HE knew exactly what he was doing!

    I believed, forgave and tried to move on, only to find out there was more and he had lied over and over again! Sitting on the couch reading his Bible, praying with me yet, I knew he was lying and waited for him to come clean. I had to beat it all out of him and she let me know some things in her e-mails (sadly, I saw I could count on her telling the truth more than him and she never wanted him, just his paycheck. He says he knows that but I think the devil tells him in his pride that she really loved him. She doesn’t love her own child) which I knew was her feeling him out to see what he had told me because she intended on blackmailing him.

    He would have ended up killing her and going to prison! She’s a screaming, raging, drug addicted hooker but he thought she was a Christian because she knew three verses of scripture and the second she needed a house payment. She called him saying she was sad and needed a friend and knew he would go because of all the years that he shared all his private info with her, even complaining about his marriage, as she did to him. She always compained her husband didn’t make enough money and here is mine with 21 years at this company. I promise you she thinks he makes 5 times what he does but she sees how good we have it because we honored God first. He knew all along exactly what was coming and wanted it. He did not hesitate to go to her although he had neglected his wife and family and left me crying night after night for many years because of his lustful, selfish, insecure heart.

    She coveted my life, she did not want my husband and the fact that he couldn’t perform yet she gave him a house key speaks volumes! That is why prostitution is the oldet profession but what is so horrible is that he told her he loved her and I saw him in it-HE LOVED HER!. She was not a hooker in his eyes but his lover and she is still laughing at him. She had more desire to get into me than him. COVETOUS HEART!

    This was no mistake, it was a love affair and of the devil. He gave her everything that belonged to me and he refused to give me any that he owed me. HE KNEW EXACTLY WHAT HE WAS DOING with her in broad daylight even taking her out to lunch at a place where our friends all frequent and kissed in the parking lot. NO SHAME! And she’s laughing at him, slandering him to her friends because he couldn’t perform, wiping her mouth exactly as God’s word says yet he sold me out to be with her.

    Her high school repuation from 89 (the beginning of our life together which was once so full of promise. Now lays shattered in a million tiny pieces and I’m holding the broom and can barely stand up) is legendary as is her rep at his company. He saw her and her blisters at work, yet still went for it. WHO DOES THAT??? Satan….

    ANYTHING could smile at him and he was a goner! ANYTHING!!!! In reality I actually feel sorry for him. I have always seen what she was and her rotting teeth and although it pains him to admit it, he did too. You have to know anyone after a married man is worthless just as any married man that will cheat on all that is Holy is also. How quickly that would have become a match made in hell.

    Our oldest son drove over there that night and sat out front. She called the law who told him to leave. Had it been me, I would have gone to the door and I know in my heart he would have stood with her as the law carried me off and there would be no way to get over that. Like him holding me and our kids arms while she beat us! Although he failed at completing the sex act, he did enough to expose his body to her herpes and whatever else she has. He believed he knew her well enough to know she was safe and went unprotected but the fact is, just kissing her exposed him to her herpes. Then with me within a few hours because I believed all of his lies and felt so bad for him. Who does that? Especially to his God, wife and kids? Satan…

    Although he has said I was right all along about everything and I am keenly aware of so much, when he refuses to say the truth about it all in the heat of battle, I get furious again. He yells at me that although my body is dying and my grief a boulder “I’m not empty or broken. I’m full of rage and unforgiveness” WOW, yet he in this last 22 years parading as a Christian for the last 14 had a heart full of adultry and admittedly hated me and wanted to change me-WHAT ABOUT YOUR RAGE AND UNFORGIVENESS!!!

    He slept on the couch for years and I begged him more than once to come back to our marriage bed. He would give me a million excuses, all my fault and just waiting for the oppurtunity to get lucky and he knew it and I even told him time and time again. Angry because I wouldn’t submit for sex when he felt like it although I had so many health issues (my migraines, seizures and nerve damage from him busting the side of my head in a drunken stupor and leaving me unconscious at midnight laying behind a parked car at night where the driver nearly backed over me as he went out on the bat with his buddy back in the early 90’s. I forgave and want on to have two more kids with him. Yet she, flattering with her lips says to him that I’m an idiot, I don’t know how good I’ve got it. Yeah all that and know he’s cheating. Nothing was the same after our last child in 02. I told him it was not enjoyable for me. I felt like a toilet. He didn’t care.

    He was using our kids against me all these years, buying my troubled 13 year old more weapons although he stayed in trouble at school and even with the law. Shooting kids, animals, our house and neighbors. I was trying to fill the roll of both parents since he wouldn’t do his job as a Godly dad and he hated me for it. Now he says it’s not all his fault, that’s okay. The Word of God is still the final authority and if he had been the man in Christ he was supposed to be, loving God, his wife as Christ loved the church and his kids with correction, none of any of it would have happened. But what do I expect seeing the facts of all he has done. You better believe I am angry. I will be the first to admit Ephesians 4 says Be angry but sin not. Time to heal please.

    I went to have lunch with him at work and the two of them acted like the Stooges trying to get away from each other. Remember I allowed him to take her to lunch in my car! So why all the panic except he knew what was in his heart and so did God. They both would look at each other, eyes lit up, laughing and then look at me like they wish I would die. I’ve known people like her my whole life. Jealous, covetous and insecure. I’m not good at everything but I threw myself into what I could do and his co-workers raved about me, how cute, talented and personable (their words) I was and my culinary skills. She can’t do anything and even makes fun of my appearance-She’s a 40 year old!

    I know I’m not supposed to be angry and keep it going forever and I do not believe he will ever do anything like this again but God does not want him to forget. If we forget our mistakes we are doomed to repeat them and while God’s ability to forgive and forget are enormous, I’m JUST LITTLE ME-Subject to all the frailties the rest are and now with a dying, pain filled body and seizures over losing 35 pounds in a month. I’m just trying to eak through another painful day here. I am not God!

    The words of this original blog really moved me. Something along the lines of “the language of adultery is never pretty or easy” and the majority of people don’t want to hear this, it’s just too hard but as the vcitim, I need to talk and say whatever I need to, to heal.

    It isn’t up to anyone when I will heal, it is a gradual process and we are all different but I remember an interview with John Walsh (AMW) after his 6 year old son was murdered. Mr Walsh wanted to know the deatils of his son’s rape and death and people around him asked him “why?” just let it go, it’s all so horrible. Mr. Walsh finally snapped and sobbing said “You don’t have the right to tell me what I need to know. IT ISN’T UP TO YOU! This is my heart, my soul and I need to know what I need to know.” I applaud that man for turning such horror into something so good (although I cannot watch the show).

    I feel like the only thing I can do with my grieve is try to encourage or even warn others. I wish my husband would warn others of the total destruction this causes. I also pray that Mr. Walsh find the truth of Christ. Hard to do when those in the church are worse than the world I know but they are better representations of Satan than they are of Jesus. You further victimize when you try to dictate what I should feel or have to know. It’s know up to others and when it’s your grief, I will respect all the same etiquette so that you can move forward and heal.

    The word “betrayl” comes from what Judas did to Christ and it hurts more than I realized was even possible. It will never go away and my husband knows that in his deception he did love that literally diseased hooker more them all that was right-He chose her over me but now he’s sorry…..So hard to want him and he knows that alone in my flesh void of Christ-I do not want him but I’m trying to hang on.

    Please know that sharing your stories helps others to heal and that is counseling. I’m sorry for all of my intensity but it is what it is. I read here often for new ones to comfort me and I need that right now. Please hang on and know that from the depths of my heart, I’m sorry for the pain you are going through but you are not alone and in my darkest moments, I know that Jesus is who he says He is and He will do all that He promises. Love, just me

  5. (USA)  I know this post is dated. I just found it randomly searching through Google. I have been in a relationship for almost 3 years. Over a year ago I found an email where my bf had responded to a personal ad on Craigslist. He was explaining himself in full detail to this person, but I didn’t find any further emails. I immediately confronted him. He claimed it was a joke and nothing ever happened. I brushed it off. We later broke up for about 6 months.

    Recently I have found 2 more emails where he responded to ads on Craigslist, just a few weeks after we started dating. All I’ve found are the sent emails, no responses. I also found where he joined another site right around the time I found the first craigslist email. I confronted him about joining the site. He claims he doesn’t remember nor does he see a reason why he would join it.
    We were supposed to be getting married this September, but I have since called it off. I trust him persay, but I still feel betrayed because obviously I’m not all he wants. He swears up and down that he’s never nor never intends on acting on any of this. I just have no idea what to do.

    I’m not the type of person to just forgive & forget things like this. My ex-husband had an affair and I tried to keep things together for our daughter, but I couldn’t move past what happened. This situation is eating at me day after day. I feel your pain and I hope you have been able to come to a conclusion. I also agree that women can definitely be the cause for betrayal in any relationship. I just don’t know what ever happened to people being totally, completely faithful.

  6. (USA)  The book we found explains that all Bible Colleges/Seminaires are taught to blame it on the victim, accuse them of not doing thier part on the marriage making the adulterer stray and they need to deal with their unforgiveness. Call the victim self righteous and so on. As the author of this book we read points out, it is wrong. The devil loves to further victimize all.

    Adultery violates every Commandment and as Nathan pointed out to King David, lets deal with this sin before us. Then you can point out the rest of the world’s.

    I was teetering on suicide and after this nut “pastor” pounded his desk screaming at me about my rage, I was set that I would end my life the next day. My doctor told me about this book and I have had the blessing of speaking with the author.

    If the owner of this site is okay with me mentioning this book I will but I don’t want to violate any of the policies. I greatly appreciate this site and all that share their feelings.

    Once again, you have helped me so much in my grief. I will never be the same. I’m still asking God to take me out because of all the hurt my husband has caused to our family. Many days, I do think I will end it myself but manage to hang on by His Grace. It will never go away.

    1. (USA) Just Me, So sorry you have been attacked on this. It’s so wrong. You are welcome to tell the title of the book. If it helps even one person, we would be delighted. Thanks for caring enough to share like this. May the Lord bind up your wounds and bring you help and hope for a better tomorrow.

      1. (USA)  Thank you Cindy. The book is I Don’t Want a Divorce: A 90 Day Guide to Saving Your Marriage written by Dr. David Clarke. It’s for anyone that wants a Godly marriage and to be friends with their spouse. It also has chapters dealing with this and Dr. Clarke points out how he was trained to counsel and did for years but not anymore! If you’re feeling what I am, you need to hear his words. My husband read it to me.

        I told my kids that as children learn what they live, we all saw bad marriages. Men (and I’m sure many women) that are not true to their word and spiral to try and get away with things viewing their spouse as the enemy. Trying to fill a void that only God can fill, with Mammon-worldly stuff/sin, which only makes that hole bigger. Even sit-coms degrade marriage, it is society and the devil loves that. “A house divided cannot stand” and cheaters will even try to pit their kids against the other parent.

        It is an all out hatred of all that God calls Holy. All sexual sin is and we are all the devil can use to hurt Christ. Satan has no friends and no loyalty. Once he uses people, he drops them flat on their faces to moves right along. That spirit of anti-christ is alive and well, so destructive and ruthless. NOTHING IS SACRED TO him and we see he does his best works amongst people withen the church. Those outside of it are already on his path and whores like this one seek to destroy familes.

        Other wives went to the compnay telling their husbands to stay away from her and the company fired her last summer. They knew she was bad for everyone. Don’t forget my supposed Christian husband gave her one of my Christian flags and stood watching as she hung it on her whore house-A path to hell says God. He asked me for one to give to a friend and without hestaition I said “sure” How unholy is that?

        We all know what he was thinking and as Pharisees he told her I cursed when I was angry. Worse than your adultrey huh?? He slandered me to her, and of her husband all of the devil. A dirty stranger and he was so far gone that she had a man part he would have gone along. His pride says he would not have but I believe he knows he was sold out then. We are talking about the devil and he likes it as wicked as he can get it.

        If you’ll notice that all these stories have the same elements and as God points out “the love of money is the root of ALL evil” In this case that whore wanted a house payment and the lifestyle I have- she coveted all I had and used my husband’s sin of lust to try to get it.

        God does say He will deal with it and I know HE will but the pain is so unbearable but that is grief no matter what causes it. There is a brief second when I wake up each day that it isn’t on my mind but then it all floods back. I awake often crying and I’m tormented by the years of my husband’s hatred of me which is against God and himself. I know he’s sorry and changed but I still have my wreckage. That is what the devil does.

        I see you encourage all the things that are needed to try to recover and I thank you for that. People do need to do and say whatever they need to. I am “a talker” in my pain so I thank you all for putting up wth me. I know I am exhausting!Remember that although each owns his own part, Satan is the author and there are many given into a reprobate mind that will follow him. My husband is changed but the cost was so high.

        My pain is like a boulder. So over-whelming that I can barely stand at times. 100 pounds this morning, I’ve lost over 40 pounds since this broke in December. My heart is not pumping right and my lungs hurt, I gasp for air most of the time, migraines and seizures as well as many other issues. Total devastation!

        My heart, soul, and body are so intertwined, I cannot separate them any longer. I believe this will literally kill me. Part of my husband’s consequences perhaps? Forgiveness even, from God does not mean no consequences and He says that all sin bringeth forth death. We have seen so much spiritual stuff in this, you wouldn’t believe it all and the devil wants us to think all coincidence-Not so, God is who He says He is!!! God promises He will take care of everything, and we will see but I know He is waiting for me to out it all on Him. Please pray that I can let go enough to see it all unfold.

        The LORD says to “guard the heart” in all we do and all we think. Of course Jesus doesn’t mean that thinking of an affair is the same as doing it, but if we have that thought and we know how serious it is, we work at not allowing our minds to go there, then we cannot possibly do it and will avoid such destruction. My husband tells me he is changed forever and will spend the rest of his life trying to make this up to me, but my damage is so real. I know I will never be the same. I told him that night not to come back and I meant it. We have seen the result of those that destroy their marraiges this way and I would not have suffered this much.

        Of course it would have hurt but I would sit back and watch that nightmare. Can you imagine the arguments? Him defending me to her, my culinary skills/cook book, Jewelry, quilts, charity work. She can’t make coffee and her saying as she did in an e-mail “oh some man of God. You dropped your testimony wife and kids for me the second I called. Some man you are.”

        I don’t want him now. She can have him although she just wants OUR money and he hates her. He really always has by the things he said of her with co-workers. Wicked!

        The devil’s fithy counterfeit of everything and no loyalty! You have to be just alike to do all that he did with her even if it was the devil’s deception. A million songs and movies made of it all over the centuries. the same devil at work. I pray for everyone going through this horror, and although I don’t have any magic words, please know God is who He says HE is and will do as He says He will. If I would just be patient.

        I love you all. Please hang on with me.

    2. (CANADA) I totally identify with this comment, “Just Me”. I am a male victim of serial infidelity, and a Christian. My wife (also a Christian) had a six-month affair with a neighbor when I was on deployment (I am in the Canadian military). She betrayed my trust emotionally, physically, and in every way imaginable, I was violated by the affair (which occurred in 2003). I call it spiritual rape.
      It has been an extremely difficult process for us to recover our marriage. While we did recieve counseling, I am totally in agreement with your comment on the shallow and false approaches taken by most pastors/counselors/seminarians.
      (a) My father in law (a pastor) told me the day after the 6 month affair was discovered, that his daughter had the right to leave me if I ever brought up the affair again to her. So 24 hours after a 6 month emotional and sexual betrayal, a pastor has the nerve to blame the victim, not the offender.
      (b) Counseling was restricted to a WWJD approach, mainly aimed at me. All my rage and hurt was kept inside, so counseling was a sham. While I forgave my wife, (we do love each other) I do not have much time for therapists, Christian or otherwise.
      (c) Most contemporary pastors do not appreciate the fact that adultery is a grave sin and violation of the marriage covenant; they would rather focus on damage control and making the infidel party comfortable “in order to” save the marriage. This is a sham of the highest proportion; and it does not work. I tired very quickly of the “self-righteous” epithets from pastors, but please my dear lady do not end your precious life over some fool of a false shepherd that calls himself a preacher. Go to Jesus instead, the friend that sticks closer than any brother. It is what I had to do to survive, keep my family together, and stay out of jail.
      So many times, I was on the edge of homicide (I know the man who violated my wife) or contemplated divorce to get out of the pain of the horrible rejection and hurt I experienced. I was a virgin when I met my wife, and have never had sexual relations with any other woman. As a decorated combat veteran, I have had many temptations to be unfaithful myself, with women who love to be with a man in uniform – but God has kept me so far, and for the sake of my children and my marriage by God’s grace I will not fail the Lord. It is not easy, but my wife was truly sorry for what she did and we have rebuilt our marriage back up from ground zero.
      Forgiveness is the only way, but let no spiritual fool tell you that it is “simply” a decision. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my whole life, 70 times 7, every time the feelings of hurt and anger come up (even now) I have to ask Jesus to come and save the day. When I need reinforcements, I call Him! Danger close! Satan will attack you until you beat him back with a self-sacrificial love for your spouse that demonstrates love and forgiveness from the heart. Its the only way, dear, and it is the hard way. I am praying for you right now.
      Almost 10 years after the affair ended, it STILL hurts. If you allow Jesus to bind you up, the wound will eventually heal over but the scars will always remain. But if you truly love your husband, you will be rewarded in time with a restored relationship. I truly can say that I love my wife and have forgiven her, and love her more now than on our wedding day. Demonstrate love, and by prayer and perseverance and by God’s grace your shattered life and love for your husband can be restored. God bless you sister, and your family.

  7. (US)  We had Just gotten married 6 months prior, purchased a house that week. We had a party and a drunk peer came over after I was asleep. Long story short, they kissed. I don’t understand it. We had the best relationship. I never thought this would happen to me. He says he doesn’t know why he did it. He made a bet with her over something stupid and he said she had to kiss him if she was right, because he was sure he was right. Well, she won the bet and the kiss.

    It’s only a kiss, it’s not a relationship, it’s not a torrid affair, I am in no way jealous of her. I am having such mixed feelings, it was the least amount of contact they could have had, he came to me 2 days later to tell me, although he may never have if our friend wasn’t there to witness the kiss and decided to tell our group of friends.

    He was in disarray and was convinced I would leave him, yet he still did it. Does that mean some part of him inside wants me to leave him? Does he think I’m a chump, disrespect me, think I will just let him walk all over me? I love him and know he is my soul mate. If we ever separated, I would never want anyone other than him as my life partner, but I am torn by my decision to stay with him.

  8. (USA)  As this is a “Christian” site, first know that God speaks enough bad of alcohol that it’s clear He is not for it. “Strong drink is raging and a mocker” Proverbs 20-1. I wish my supposed Christian could blame it on alcohol though :/

    The term “Soul mate” is pagan too. While it may sound good, we are bound by marriage til death do us part. If we are, we wives are formed from our husband making us one flesh with him, says God. If you believe that is all that happened, that is good. If they continue to be around each other, especially drinking, you can be sure more is coming.

    Cheating is anything you would not do in front of your spouse and the devil starts very small with just the friendly talk. Then comes the slander and sharing personal info. When kids are involved they become pawns in it and everyone is devastated. My husband’s betrayal of God and us nearly killed all of us. All sin bringeth forth death (James 1-15) and Jesus is clear that a man that thinks it of a woman that is not his wife already is an adulterer. Your husband and marriage are headed for trouble if this continues.

    Take heed and I pray you do have a lifelong marriage of love, trust and happiness as God intended.

  9. (USA)  After 24 years of marriage I felt a void. After years of arguing, abusive verbal behavior by spouse, and broken promises, I wanted a separation. I was no longer in love. I had stayed in the marriage because of our two grown children and my husband’s undying devotion and love. I could no longer pretend things were ok. We separated in May 2010. Over the months I felt positive about my decision. My husband would continue to call, remind me of our love and history. I felt torn. I did not relish starting over although I wanted us both to be happy.

    We were intimate on two occasions while drinking during our separation. I had tried to avoid this. However, my husband had always taken advantage of any opportunity – one of the many reasons we had problems. After five months my husband wanted closure. If he needed an answer there and then – I would have to choose divorce. I had too much respect for him to not want to see him happy.

    We agreed to jointly get an attorney and make it simple. In late October 2010, I filed for divorce. We continued a healthy relationship together and with our children. I felt positive and a bit frightened about the future. We spent Thanksgiving together and all was as good as things could be given the circumstances.

    Then a few days prior to Christmas a mutual dear friend confided that he overheard my husband bragging about flying in a prostitute to Houston for the weekend months prior, and paying a ghastly amount. My husband was always faithful as I was for over 24 years. Could this be true? Bragging about such an act? A waive of shock. But we were getting a divorce – but he had slept with me after!! I confronted him and he denied this initially. Then said he had in fact slept with a women, not a prostitute.

    This all turned out to be lies. I soon discovered he led a double life cheating with prostitutes for years!! He lied, cheated, put my life and our family’s life a risk and gave me an STD all while pretending to be someone he was not. The memories of our marriage is forever distorted. The hate, anger, and shame are more than I can bear some days. I wish I ended this years prior. I look back and read his love letters and wonder where he went astray. Even though I wanted a divorce I am still overcome with grief over his betrayal and lies. I hate what he has done to our family. I can now longer tolerate being in the same room – let alone talking to him. My daughters both dread important events – as they know there will be great discomfort.

    How long before the anger and hate end? It’s been 6 months. I do not want to feel like this – I just cannot forgive. Thank God my intuition drove my decision to end this nightmare.

    1. (USA)  Hi Robin. In my grief I continue to “talk” it out anywhere I can so I thank everyone here for their contributions and putting up with me.

      People are very caught up in what they hear from the pulpit and from other believers but God’s words are very clear as is His simple common sense.

      Forgiveness means you give up your right to get them back and trust God will deal with all on His time. He says that vengence is his, he will repay. Romans 12-19. Many think it means forgetting or condoning. It’s much easier to get over over someone stealing my stereo out of my vehicle than this.

      It was all out slander and an attack on me. He chose her over me and should go with his choice but refuses. He said yesterday, that not only did he not have the right, it was inexcusable and he’s right. God calls it “Impudence” not giving others basic respect. Ezekiel 2-4, Proverbs 7-13 which speaks of the “whore” that seeks to destroy families. God’s holiest of unions. Many are given into a reprobate heart and continue to do the devil’s bidding. Nothing is sacred with them. Betrayal comes from what Judas did to Christ and it’s always about money. The love of money is the root of all evil.

      I’m hurt in a way that will never be right again. My husband and I were one flesh and he defiled everything. My soul is so damaged it is affecting my body and I believe it will kill me.

      I wish I had magic words to help everyone but I don’t. Some days I can barely function and that is what the devil does. The only way he can hurt Christ is by getting us to in against God and all sin leads to death, says God.

      There is so much wreckage due to my husband’s seflishness and ego. I can only trust God to take care of it all. My love and prayers to each of you :(

  10. (USA)  I’m so sorry to hear of all the pain that betrayal causes-I wish we could all have a group hug -we could sure use it!

    Six months after I met whom I thought was the man of my dreams, I got laid off and lost my apartment. He rescued me and moved me into his house, then eventually convinced me to take out my retirement (30 percent penalty) so that we could open a store. Suddenly, he had an urgent need to return to his country (Iraq, and by the way using my money) to get back some property that belonged to his family. I waited paitiently for 3 months. When he returned he was a completely different person.

    But still convincing me that it was nothing and that our future was together in whatever we did, he then (instead of opening the store) bought a semi and I opened his business and got him operating under his own authority etc.. We got engaged, I went on the road with him. Each morning he got calls from Iraq and claimed it was his sister (sometimes I answered).

    Last December my father got cancer and I came to take care of him off and on, with my fiance at my side most times (as I was still getting all his loads). Then one day in February, I get a call from his friend telling me that my fiance has left to Iraq (who’s going to pay the bills now?). After several attempts to reach him, his plane departed and so did all my retirement.

    Finally, April comes around and I get a call from him telling me that he’s been in an Iraqi jail… that he didn’t tell me he was leaving because it was hard and knew it was hard for me (ya think? I’m caring for my dying father and I have no income coming in and now you left me with bills to worry about as well). But, then he wants me to get 3k, so he can come back home cause he misses me and loves me blah, blah, blah.

    I try hard and then one day his sister calls me to tell me that she has pictures for me (I race back to AZ) and the pictures are of my fiance and his new wife that he has been engaged to since his first visit. Apparently, he paid a hefty price for her with my money the first visit. Oh, and he also auctioned off the semi (unbeknownst to me) and took several luggages of gifts to his bride he had been planning on marrying. Did I mention that the first time he went there that my souvenir was a pair of shoes?!

    Ohhhh is my heart broken… I can’t get over all the ways he lied to me and kept me hanging on for two years and all the financial security GONE! He still lies and says it’s all not true and the pictures are of his cousin (which is half truth -he married his cousin).

    He recently called to profess his love again and he came up with another truth, which is, he always wanted children so someone is doing him a favor and having baby for him (oh, but, he’s NOT married). BUT over and over in my head I ask why, why, why meeeee; I was so good to him. I can still hear him telling me that I have such a pure heart and he never wants to lose me etc., etc., etc.!

    These past two years were all lies and ways to decieve me. Now, he’s married with a baby on the way and probably happy, right where he wants to be. I’ve been told he used my money to buy two cars here in the US and shipped them there. The property he has in Iraq, is hers and furnished to the hilt and she has everything now thanks to me. Me?

    I’m still caring for my dying father, lost my home, not a dime, lonely as ever and heartbroken, crying. To think, when I met him he had NOTHING and couldn’t afford to go to Iraq. Oh, and his mother who he claimed he needed to go back and get – it turns out, lives in the U.S. and all the money he was saving for us to get married while I was working for him, putting his trucking business together and getting his loads, he was sending that back to her. I never did get paid!

    He always talked about people with NO heart -he should know. I feel like the stupidest woman on the face of the earth, I feel unworthy, and I feel things I cannot describe. He had my entire family fooled. And, when I asked him for my money, he told me, he didn’t owe me a penny, since I lived for two years with free room and board. He had a list of items off the top of his head that he had purchased for me (or so I thought he did). I’m sure it doesn’t add up to $78k. Oh, and, he couldn’t stop at just leaving me to go get married, before he left he was trying to convince me to sell my car so he can get me a better one at the auction. Thank God I didn’t or I’d be taking my dad to chemo on the bus…

    I don’t know if I’ll ever ever recover. Sorry ladies to go on and on and I’m not a writer. Hope my story is one of those stories when you read it, you say “And I thought I was in a bad situation…”

    1. (USA)  Linda, you “go on” all you want to that’s what we’re all here for. The LORD says to encourage one another! Many out there are uncomfortable hearing it all and that’s fine but you do not have to hide your feelings to keep others comfortable.

      Grief is still grief, no matter what causes it and it manifests itself the same in the soul/body. Physiological and not just sadness. It gets better but it never goes away in that it changes you. I saw that in my mom when my sister was murdered in 1973. Mother hung on until she saw we were all grown and okay then went to her grave with a broken heart.

      Grief has a look. I can see it other people’s faces, eyes. I can hear it in their breathlessness. I see it all in me and so do my friends and family. My baby (she’s 8) looked at me one day with tears welling up and said “you are so sad, I see it even when you try to smile.” I saw that in my mom too.

      On a cuter note, I held her telling her God would send her the perfect guy to marry, should the LORD tarry. I said “I’ll pick him out for you” and although she loves her daddy, she replied “oh no you don’t. Look who you chose and what he did.” From the mouths of babes! :) I do believe that all our of kids have learned alot of valuable lessons in this. I KNOW my oldest will never betray his wife. NEVER!

      “ALL things work together for good for those that love God and are called according to his purpose” Romans 8~28 but helaing takes time and forgiveness is a process.

      I want a divorce but I’m still trying. My husband compared it to running over someone’s child and I said that although he’s sorry, it doesn’t bring that child back. You cannot undo “dead.” My wreckage is still very real. That is what betrayal is meant to do.

      My husband has changed and is truly sorry. He said last night that looking at all the wonderful things I’ve said of him on FB building him up over the years and being a loyal -THE ONLY friend to him. Caring for our home, kids and doing everything so well. He deserved to die alone in a ditch. I see grief in him too now. He was in rebellion against God but I took the brunt of it.

      Regret is a very bitter pill! God knows that and warns us to guard our hearts and thoughts hoping we will never deliver such devastating blows to each other. Our own flesh as marriage makes us one.

      That is all the devil can do to hurt Christ. Hurt us and he’s very good at what he does. But know that God does not miss a thing and each will reap what they sow.

      I know I’ve said it all before but I appreciate all of you and I need you. To the men that have suffered, I know it can and does go both ways. God bless you guys too! I’m so sorry for everyone that has been betrayed. It is excruciating and always the same M.O. as it is all the same author. Satan.

      I’m hoping God will lay it on my husband’s heart to share some of what he’s feeling. If it helps one other person, all worth it. It would also be cathartic for him. You let it all out- I know I’m here and I see there are many others- Big hug!

  11. (USA)  Stumbling in to this site has really been an eye opener. I’ve been with my spouse for 29 years. I discovered around December of 2009 that he changed, he would come home from home work all different times of the day, when I would say somthing about it, he would become very angry!

    So one day he asked my daughter in a rough way to get him a cell phone. So I was thinking what in the world does he need a cell phone for? I got it for him. Then the next few days he would come in and say I feel that I’m losing my mind. I told him not too claim it.

    Well, I decided too look through his pockets after becoming suspicious, and lo and behold! I found the name of a woman named Diane, (cell-phone and housephone), and also her son named Mike, and another woman named Pat. I first, called Pat and she said my husband was pursing her, but she didn’t know he was married. I then called Diane who also lied and said she didn’t know he was married. This is the second time my husband would leave me for another woman.

    Well, Diane is evidently a ruthless woman because she showed me she had control of my husband and caused him too move out with her in January of 2010.

    He came out and told me he’s not giving up this one, he let’s her drive my car that he bought for me. He changed over night. It’s been over 2 years, and I feel as if I’m dying. I find myself crying, thinking I’m over him.

    I feel as if I am physically dying. I hear other women talking about their husbands, just calling them my husband, and just a few years ago I was referring to my husband that way so proudly. But now where do you go from here? I am devastated. Sometimes I am so suicidal, but my grandchildren live with me and and he is the only father they knew. 2 of them lost their fathers with in a year’s time.

    Sometimes I cries for my grandchildren being without a man in their lives, and I think of how selfish my husband is and how he made a 190 degree turn.

    Somebody tell me where do I go from here other than to God!

  12. (USA)  In the past two months I have gone from being in the happiest marriage -everyone envied us -to being told that “I’m not happy” – “I love you, but I’m not in love with you, I’ve found someone else -after nearly 19 years of marriage. I can honestly say that since that day I feel as though I have been punched in the stomach and that pain is constant. Come to find out I’ve developed an ulcer and the stress has irritated my gallbladder….

    What my husband does not realize is that this other woman has literally stepped into my life -she has the fun that I used to have and they go places and do things that just trigger my anger. I cry at all the losses I have experienced and those that I will experience. The vacations we shared, the restaurants we ate at, the walks we used to take all the fun we had, I just can’t seem to stop visualizing these things. I grieve for the holidays to come. I feel as though everyone around me is blissful – and it could be my imagination, but has everyone around me been happy and holding hands or is this something that I’m just now noticing because I’m in such depression?

    How do you get over the losses? How do you stop loving someone even though they have hurt you so deeply? This is worse than if he had died. If he had died, I would have known (or thought) he loved me, but this is worse because he’s leaving me on his own power and doesn’t love me (but cares about me). I used to feel so sad when I heard about someone who had been murdered and left in a dumpster or left to die like refuse -but this is what I feel like -being discarded and left along side the road.

  13. (USA)  Are there people who get over the betrayal, and simply move on with their lives? Just when I think I am getting over him, I’ll see this woman driving my car, reminding me she has my husband and rubbing it in my face. Then I’ll get down in the dumps, I have stomach issues going on and I cry out too the all mighty God sometimes in despair.

    Then some people that have seen too gather will come on my Job, and let me know that they are together, Sometimes I wish God would just take me on home, because I just can’t believe that 2 years ago I was calling this man my husband so proudly, but the signs were all there, I just didn’t take time to read them.

    I just hope that we all can get over the horrific pain of being betrayed and apart of us being ripped from us. May God bless and help us all.

  14. (USA)  I have been reading these stories for the last hour or so. Looks like mostly women who have been betrayed by their husbands. I am a 51 year old man. My wife and I are two weeks away from our 15th anniversary. I love her deeply.

    Three weeks ago I walked in on her while she was on the phone. She did not hear me coming and it startled her and she immediately hung up. This of course struck me as odd. Having been betrayed by my previous wife I became suspicious. My wife is not tech savy, I am. After she went to bed I took a look at her phone. Her phone log history had not been deleted for months. It was the longest night of my life. The phone number of the call she hung up on was repeated constantly from early in the morning till late at night 7 days a week. After a little research I realized it was her boss. I can’t begin to describe the devastation and anger. Suicide was so close I tremble when I think about it.

    She tried to minimize it when I confronted her. Said they had grown to be close friends over the years and she liked to check on him becuse he lived alone and had a heart problem. Ironically, I am a heart patient as well. She promised that the calling would stop. It didn’t. She thought she was deleting the log but she was not. I confronted her a couple days later. She confessed that they had been together seven years prior for about two months. I was devasted. She promised that it was over and that the calling would stop. It did but changed to texting. I confronted yet again after finding a text where they were remembering a trip to San Fransico from a couple years earlier. She came clean. It was still full on and had been for seven years. Even though I wanted to kill her I had to ask her to stay by my side all night because I feared suicide. The pain was overwhelming and still is.

    I start counseling tomorrow. My wife is a basketcase emotionally and is smothering me with affection. I do enjoy it but I don’t trust her. I don’t know what I am going to do. I can’t control my thoughts. I am searching for ways to make this man’s life miserable. It sounds so wrong but I can’t stop. I am not a violent person. He is fortunate in that regard. I am not so sure I will survive this.

    1. (USA)  Dear Jeff, all the feelings you have over this are very normal based on all I’ve researched and I feel myself. That is what this does to a person. We’re at the six month mark and my husband is as grief-stricken as I am.

      That is true repentance to God and to me but it’s another load for my already weak soul and body to bear. Not only did this woman come after him for money, she continued to try and hurt me and threaten my kids. She did not care if my kids were dead she was looking for a buck. How we wish that was all she got.

      I have prayed for her soul. It took time though and I prayed it once and begged God not to expect it from me again. God says he will cut our enemies down and we will see it but to step back and let him work. There is peace in that if we trust him.

      We had a wave of this come through our town literally. From the Pastor of 31 years with a 17 year old student at the Christian school he taught at to us and one of the men that made the statement “they(meaning the good old boys) could not believe my husband was submitting to me” died Sunday.

      His wife is a good friend of mine and when he made that statement to her a month ago she told him, he was going to die because of the condition of his heart before God. My husband wasn’t submitting to me but to a Holy God to be either “saved” or restored. Her husband fell ill right away, they couldn’t determine exactly what it was but suspected pancreatic cancer and he died Sunday.

      God says that he is not mocked and all we sow we will reap. Only he knows what and when.

      I am under 100 pounds and honestly not sure this isn’t going to kill me. My husband is scared watching me and knows he caused it. God takes some out in judgement and some as reward. It all depends on the condition of the heart before Him.

      Please hang on and know you are not alone. We are all sharing your same pain just at different stages. It’s grief! Please share your feelings every chance you get. It does help. Love and prayers.

  15. (PHIL.)  Infidelity crosses borders among many cultures, but from where I come from, it is a no-no for men to have been abandoned by their wives. We are in such a macho culture that my circumstances is one that throws more prejudice to the latter. Philandering men are quietly accepted and there’s a sub-culture that feeds on it. So, when my wife who was working overseas, disclosed that she has decided to leave me and our two teenaged daughters, my whole world turned upside down.

    I cannot accept the hurting truth and I wished for a silver bullet. But thanks to people that still care for the family, thru counseling, I was able to lift each foot for a step forward no matter how small.

    To this day, I have to searched for answers that satisfy my grief and pain. I share the agony and pain of those who had fallen prey to infidelity. There’s no way out but to carry on the burden as long as one lives. But we are all given a gift of choice. We cannot control the actions of another person but we can choose how we react to a situation. Survival is human instinct. However difficult it may be, one will always strive for it.

    Divorce is not an option from where I come from.