Marriage Missions Note: Please know that we recognize that sometimes men betray their wives and sometimes women betray their husbands. This particular article is written from the vantage point of the betrayed wife. If you are a husband who is betrayed, please change the pronouns and glean through the information so you can be ministered to, as well. Above all, we hope this article helps you in some way.)
After the discovery of the betrayal, the spouse’s emotions are usually intense. The anger, hurt, bewilderment, betrayal, and numbing shock are almost overwhelming. The betrayed spouse will be angry, and she needs the freedom to ventilate her rage.
It’s Important HOW You Say It
The language of anger is never pleasant. However, it is not only OK to say it with intensity and force, but it is absolutely necessary for true recovery to occur. People do not get better until they get mad.
If denied, that anger “goes underground” and eats away at the innermost spirit of the person. It is very important for the violated spouse to be free to express the rage that he or she feels.
After the first surge of anger comes the need for information —what happened? When did it happen? How often did it happen? And so on. This is the time for the violated spouse to ask the offender those all-important questions. Men seem to want to know the details of the sexual activity; women commonly report wanting to know if their husband loves the other person. Whatever the need, the information is important and shouldn’t be squelched.
Hiding Info
There is no good reason to hide information from the injured spouse at this point. The precious marriage vow lies shattered on the floor —there is nothing left of the marriage to protect. Therefore, the infidel who has been discovered should share each and every bit of information that his partner wants to know.
Often the infidel thinks that as the questions come, he should tell only what he thinks is appropriate, so he withholds details, covering up certain aspects of the trail. Nothing will anger the wounded spouse more than being subtly deceived at this point by double talk or half-truths. Eventually, all truth will be known anyway.
This is the time to tell it all, or at least tell it at the level that the spouse wants to hear it. There’s a difference between the two. Many of my counselees who have gone through recovery from affairs say that getting into too much detail can create tortuous mental images for the injured spouse that can haunt her for years. But you need to walk this fine line of disclosure and honesty carefully, and be sure to err on the side of too much disclosure rather than too little.
The Ideal:
Of course, it would be to satisfy the spouse’s need to know without ignoring any major revelations. The main point is to own up to what you have done and to admit humbly the full range of injury and transgression. Don’t try to alter the facts subtly to protect yourself. Just as deceit is no way to build a relationship, it’s no way to rebuild a broken one.
Withheld information becomes “unfinished business” that will have to be dragged along through the balance of the marriage. The more time that passes without the unfinished business being revealed, the more difficult it will be to bring it up. Should the marriage stay together, this secret will become an albatross around the neck of the infidel, who will have wished that he or she had completely “come clean” at the anger stage, when it was the most appropriate and helpful.
The Spouse Now Holds the Reins
The power to continue the marriage has now passed into the hands of the wounded spouse. Her reaction —whether to process the affair is that if she expresses as much rage as she feels, she will drive her spouse into the arms of his partner. That could happen; but, remember, he has already been in his partner’s arms. You couldn’t keep him out of her arms before you knew about it; now simply being angry is not going to drive him to her-more is involved here than that!
Besides, there is nothing of the marriage left to protect by “walking on eggshells” at this point. If you are going to live together in harmony in the future, you need to live together differently. It’s time to start over. The most sacred aspects of this marriage have already been violated. Now you both have to begin to rebuild.
Grieving the Loss
During the anguish phase, some recovery can begin. But it won’t be steady progress —rather it will probably be two steps forward and one step back. It’s a rocky time emotionally, but that’s part of the normal process of grieving the losses. There is loss of trust, of the one-pure marital relationship, and so on.
Just about the time that the violated spouse thinks he/she is getting over the pain, it will suddenly resurface. But be encouraged. Gradually the pain will become less intense and less frequent. You will find the good times between the down times will lengthen.
This grief process is similar to grieving the death of a spouse. Violated spouses do indeed report many responses that parallel those of widows.
Some of Their Feelings:
• They feel abandoned by their mate.
• They feel alone in their grief.
– It’s common to feel as if they could have done something to prevent this.
• They feel like a marked person. They don’t fit in with normal couples anymore.
• They have a lot of unfinished business with their spouse that is now off-limits or has been overshadowed by what has occurred.
– Plus, they feel terrified of the future.
• They feel they should be doing better than they are.
• They will pretend nothing has happened (such as the widow who sets a plate for the lost partner at the table).
Grieving is important, but it is even more important to know what you are grieving for. Some find it helpful to list the losses on paper. I recommend that you try that, being as transparent and honest as you can.
Crying in front of other people as you process your grief is perfectly permissible. Grief isn’t always predictable, not always controllable. It is certainly all right to cry in front of the infidel. In fact, he needs to see and feel the damage his actions have wrought. Be totally honest about your sadness.
Guarantees
One of the first things an angry and grieving spouse wants is the guarantee that this will never happen again. Often Christian spouses think that if they can just get their infidel partner to walk the aisle to the altar, confess his/her sin in front of the congregation, read his Bible daily, or be convicted by the Holy Spirit or disciplined by the church, all will be well. But nothing could be further from the truth. Any or all of those practices might be appropriate, but none of them will provide the guarantee that the wounded spouse is looking for.
The closest thing to a guarantee that the infidel won’t stray again is for him to feel fully the pain that he has caused the wounded spouse. Let me underline this point: promises to “behave” won’t endure; neither will artificial boundaries such as a curfew each night after work.
Remedy
The only lasting remedy is for the infidel to feel the agony he has caused his spouse. If he truly loves his mate (and he usually does down deep; that’s why they got married and why he came back), that will hurt him so much that he won’t want to inflict more on his loved one. But getting the infidel to experience the hurt of the spouse won’t happen immediately —it could take many months. Remember it will take as long to recover from the affair as it did for the infidelity partner to get involved in it. So allow some time for him to feel her pain.
This article comes from the book, Torn Asunder: Recovering From an Extramarital Affair
—ALSO —
Here’s another related article —this one written by Anne Bercht, who understands about anger “after the betrayal” because she dealt with it after her husband cheated on her. Whether you are a man or woman, the following advice could be helpful if you apply the principles that will work for your marriage after reading:
• DEALING WITH ANGER AFTER AN AFFAIR
Filed under: Surviving Infidelity
(US) I too have been trying to overcome an affair. It has been almost ten years and with our third child on the way. We have been together four fourteen years. It is true, the pain becomes less and less. However, being married is not easy and when you have to deal with marriage and kids, stress, work… the process of overcoming an affair becomes much more difficult.
Anything can bring you back to the betrayal. Once you think the pain has subsided, your infidel may come home late from work and you are back at square one. It takes a lot of work and commitment to stay. If you decide to stay, remind yourself you made the choice to stay, which in turn, means you too have to make the commitment to work on how to make things better with your spouse.
(USA) Please don’t assume that betrayal only goes one way. My wife faked an injunction to have the police kick me out of the house so her mystery boyfriend could move in. She is destroying a family, a marriage (over 20 years) and the family finances. Men do cry too.
(USA) Kathy, Thank you for your comment. I was betrayed 8 months ago and I stayed with my husband to try to work it out but all I could think about was the betrayal. I never fully forgave him and began to resent him. I became very angry and bitter towards him and he couldn’t understand why. We are presently separated in hopes that his actions during and after this time can prove that he truly wants this marriage and wants it to work. During this time I will be working on fully forgiving him because if I don’t we won’t be able to move forward.
Really ask yourself if you have fully forgiven your husband, although it was so long ago. When I read your comment, it frightened me because when we reconcile, I could be in your shoes. I pray God closes that door behind you and allows you to live in the fullness of your present life in your marriage.
(UNITED STATES) I just went through this with my husband this year. We have not been married long and already he betrayed me in this way. I am still having to deal with the anger of it all. I did get back together with him but I am always worried about when he will do it again to me. To begin with, I still wonder what I did to cause him to do this in the first place? I am still hurt from it and every time I bring it up with him he seems to get angry with me about the issue. He will tell me I need to let it go…
But I can’t seem to trust him the same way I did before. He didn’t sleep around on me but he did the internet thing talking and flirting with other women. I found pictures that he sent them of himself and the woman. I did talk to the women and they had no clue he was married; he did not tell them this. I wonder why men do this? I am faithful and I have never done anything to my husband to make him not trust me. I am just wondering where this will all go with us. And will I ever survive the hurt that he has caused me?
I deal with this alone; I don’t go to counseling about any of it. I came back to him because I love him and I do believe that it is the right thing to do as a Christian woman. But I am at a stand still about my trust in my husband… I don’t know if I will ever let my guard down again and trust him like I did before. He doesn’t seem to care about the hurt he has caused me at all. He believes it is over and done with and the issue is resolved with him. But not with me… and it won’t be until I can find healing within my heart over this issue.
(USA) Jessica: I too went through the same thing with my husband five years ago. Every time I would bring up the subject or her name he would get angry. He even told me that if I wasn’t to bring it up because he would get angry with me. Five years later, I find out it was still continuing. By my bringing it up I was making him face a reality he wasn’t willing to. My advice to you would be to check and double check everything he says – if he is not truthful now get out – don’t waste another five years on a man who is not worthy of your love and trust.
(USA) I couldn’t agree more with the “He and His” comment… this article seems very good and I hope that I can get something from it… but obviously it was written by a woman who believes that 99.99% of the pathetic betrayers (I would love to use a stonger expletive, but since seems to be a Christian site…) are men…WRONG. The pain is perhaps worse for a man… men do stupid things for sex… women do it for deeper reasons… Regardless, it hurts.
No matter what your gender, you cannot imagine the pain if you haven’t been there. Anyway, stop with the “he” and “she” stuff… As I look for comfort on this site or in a book, you have no idea the additional pain and insult when you address women as the only victims… thanks.
(UNITED STATES) I understand what you are saying about the “He ” thing… I guess it is just because generally it is more men that cheat than woman? Statistically speaking? I think you are right about saying that affairs are different for men and women. The men typically go for the sex, and women the emotional and sensitive thing… I am not saying that women don’t want or go after sex in an affair, but the desire is usually built up after much emotional “attaction and closeness…”
Then comes the sex. It is even hard for me to type this, do to it bringing up the current affair that my husband had on me…The pain is indescribable. It is so hard to put it into words. It is more like a horrible portfolio of gut-wrenching, horrrid pictures engraved in my mind… He gave HER everything that he was supposed to give to me… He treated me so bad for the entire 3 years of this nasty affair… I could feel that something was wrong, but when I tried to talk to him about ANYTHING, he would say that I was crazy, Bi-Polar, jealous, etc…. He was, and still is angry at me because his bimbo didn’t want him for anything other than drugs… That’s what I feel anyway.
This man does not work. He goes to the YMCA, and patrols the beach on his bike, bar hops, etc,. But cannot go to work? He is very lazy. Wants handouts. Thinks the STATE owes him a living… If I thought the affair hurt… WOW! When I confronted him with this, he blamed ME!!! He justifies all of it… Said I deserved everything I got! He is a severe alcoholic. I do believe that he is narcissitic also. He fits the definition. It has been, and always will be about HIM… What he wants to watch on tv, what he wants to eat… the list goes on.
I got him a necklace for Christmas last year. It was nice. Gold link chain…I don’t have much money, but I did what I could. Besides, isn’t it the thought that counts? If you love someone, then you shouldn’t care about the cost. Right? Wrong! Not for him… He took it to the jewelers to have a different clasp put on it (the kind he likes). He then said to me. “Did you know that that necklace is only 14 kt gld plated? He also pawned two off the rings I had bought him. One was his wedding ring… He said, oh well, it wasn’t worth that much anyway!
Remember how Delilah had betrayed Samson so many times, until he finally told her what would take away his strength? How could he have been that naive? Why would he continue to listen and believe her? She lied to him so many times, and she continued to betray him repeatedly… What was wrong with him? Could he not SEE what she was doing? Then, I looked at my situation… WOW!!! What a remarkable resemblance!
I kept doing the same thing over and again (definition of insanity) and expecting different results… I think that we can only give people so many chances, and then set them free. They are set in their ways and will only continue to hurt you. Sometimes, by the things that he would do and say to me, I think that he actually got some kind of satisfaction when he seen me in pain… I am diligent. I try to be productive, and he is the complete opposite…
This other woman was brought to OUR home by another black man in town, and I KNEW the moment he looked at her, that he was going to sleep with her! I was so right. He found her sexually attractive, and they were both into drugs… So why not, right? He didn’t care about me at all… She told me that. She told me everthing… He denied things until he no longer could… Then he said that he repented to GOD. That was great…God said go, and sin NO MORE!
He called her twice after that! He said it was for weed!!! For someone else!!! I said, “I don’t care if it was for a Snickers Bar, you have NO right to continue this!” He wants his cake and eat it too. I will NOT share my husband with ANYONE… He can be singe if that is what he wants… I can’t live with a Narcissist… It is way to hard… Sorry this was so long. I had to get that off my chest… This hurts so bad…. Like he died, but I cannot bury him!!!
If I do not forgive them both, it is like drinking poison, and hoping the other people will die…. Just because you forgive someone, you are NOT saying that what they did was right, or that you will decide to stay with them, or that this will not haunt you… It will forever. I hope to learn much from this painful experience. I do not forsee myself in another relationship for a LONG time, if ever. That is how much this destroyed me. We were supposed to grow old together… He was my best friend, or so I thought… I will trust in God, and try my best to get through this… “This too shall pass….” Thanks for listening to my sad story… Regina
(USA) Regina, Statistically speaking, every man who is having an affair is having one with a woman. Therefore, men and women cheat in equal numbers.
One cannot say men are more unfaithful than women as long as there are women who are willing to engage in affairs with those men. Some my try weak rationalizations that those women may not be married. The bottom line is those women KNOW the man they are sleeping with is NOT their husband. Therefore, even if they don’t know he’s married, (which is unlikely) they have to be 100% knowledgeable that that man is not HER husband. If she sleeps with him knowing this, she is just as much a cheat as is the unfaithful husband.
Let’s not forget that 2/3rds to 3/4s of all divorces are filed by women, not men. Dr Willard Harley has been mentioned here, and in his counsels, few of those women are divorcing unfaithful men.
So can you really hang your hat on the lie that women are more faithful than men? Do you really believe the lie that men cheat more than women? I don’t. They may cheat in DIFFERENT ways. But the wife who abandons a faithful husband just because she doesn’t “FEEL” loved or cherished is just as unfaithful as a husband who has sex with another woman.
Sorry, I don’t buy the lie that women are more faithful than men. They may cheat in different ways, but cheating is not a gender issue, it’s a character issue. Scripture is clear that ALL are sinners. Not just men, not just women, but all.
So to say one is more sinful than another is simply parroting a lie from Hell.
(USA) I feel your pain… but what does a man, specifically a black man, have to do with bringing the bimbo into your town? Work on your self esteem and your racial prejudices.
(USA) Yes even the He and His, such as myself, never believed I could feel such betrayal and hurt. I had always said I would divorce my wife if infidelity ever occured but then when reality hits you never realize how much you love someone. And then there are the kids and there you are left alone with the pain that no person should ever have to experience in life.
I feel alone. As a man you can’t talk to anyone because it destroys what is left in you as a man to tell someone else that the affair killed most of me inside. As a man and I feel numb and yet never stop hurting. My wife says it was a mistake a one time thing but she was talking to others, looking to do it again, so it obviously this means I am not what she needs. She says she is sorry and that she loves me and would never do it again. But it appears that she is not hurt at all about what she did to me or to our marriage.
I literally worshipped the ground she walked on for 16 years and put God first in our life but the pain is just as real as it is shocking. I am at a loss for words and don’t know what to ask anymore and don’t know what to do. Sometimes I want to run away as far as I can and I would, but it would still hurt. So I just don’t know what to do but sit and cry or throw fits of rage at times.
I have to be careful because I didn’t tell our teenage daughter. I would not want to see her hurt this way too and don’t want to hurt her relatioship with her mom. So it is hard to act normal and hide when the pain is too much. I have no place to vent my anger and it is killing me inside. I have started to hate life and everything about it and have thought of doing things that I know I shouldn’t think of but I need some type of escape from the pain. At times checking out seems to be the only answer. Of course I know it isn’t so I just sit and cry some more. If people could just see what they are doing to the ones they love, surely they would never do this to anyone –not even an enemy deserves this type of pain.
(USA) Hi DH- I feel your pain too. The stabs of betrayal takes your breath away every moment of every day. My GODLY husband has been cheating on me since 2008. We’ve been separated in different states for 9 months trying to own our part in the fall of our marriage. He is still denying it, but my 4 year old told me about her daddy’s “secret friend” after she spent Christmas with him. I hurt so bad. I don’t want him back after the lies. His first cheated on him, and it is so hard to believe he has become what he despised.
I know that God has a special man who will love me and my child and not cheat. My pastor said that those who cheat have something within them to do so. It was nothing that I did or didn’t do. This is not your fault. Were you the perfect husband? No, don’t fool yourself; I wasn’t the perfect wife. But I know I cherished our vows through the good and the bad. Please vent… don’t hold it in.
(USA) I just found out three days ago that my husband cheated on me. I had a gut feeling that something had happened, and I wound up finding the girl’s number and she told me everything. As if this wasn’t enough, she is pregnant and says there is a small chance that the baby could be his. I was shocked and angry and so upset. To make matters worse, he is in the military and currently deployed. He gets a 15 minute phone call once a week if we are lucky. Thankfully he got to call the day after and he admitted what had happened.
I am absolutely crushed. Words can’t even describe. If I didn’t have a good relationship with God I cannot honestly say what I would have done. I don’t know where to go from here. My gut tells me to give him a second chance, but I wonder if this is really what God has for me. Is this part of His plan for my life, or was I never supposed to even be with this man and this is His way of telling me? I don’t feel like marrying him was a mistake, but the few people I have talked to seem to think that I would be foolish to forgive him. I can’t make the decision on my own, I have too many emotions involved to push them out of the way. I am really seeking God’s will for my life, and I keep coming back to His forgiveness and mercy. Again, that could just be my emotions talking, but he is taking this better than I would have expected. There is nothing that he could say that would make me know I should stay, but there are a lot of things that he could have said that would lead me to believe I should go.
Am I crazy to keep falling back on reminders of God’s great mercy and forgiveness as a reason to give my husband a second chance? Or am I only forgiving him to end up having this happen again? If only I could see into people’s hearts like God can. At least I know there is One who will never leave me nor forsake me.
(USA) Good Morning, I never knew there were so many people out there hurting like me. I have been married for 16 years. Initially, we were not Christians, but were baptized together with my oldest daughter. My husband is in the military, and eventually became an Elder in the church. Whenever he would preach, I would sing prior to him bringing the Word. We were very deeply involved in the church, especially with the youth.
I noticed him getting a bit distant, and then really realized it when we were in church one day and asked him if he was going up for prayer with me. His response, “I don’t have to go up and pray with you all the time!” Things had already been going downhill no thanks to his selfishness, greed, and feeding his mother and other members of his family and friends untruths about me in order to make himself shine.
We had relocated after a transfer, and he would complain about giving me money for anything… beds for the children, school supplies, my vehicle needed some work, and so I went into debt again. He even stated after I had approached him about us living like room mates that “if it wasn’t for my money situation, I would not be here.” Mind you we always take some type of vacation. Last year he said that we could not because he didn’t have any money… he didn’t even buy my son clothes for school last year.
Around the time the affair came to light, he did not know that I was aware, and without letting him know what I knew, I asked him to just let me go… he didn’t agree right away, but then got bold and was like whatever, lets just get a divorce.
He would always put me down and discourage me with phrases such as “Look at me, there are lots of women out there who would want me.” “You, you have three children, and no man would want to get with someone who has three kids… I’m a hot commodity.” “Do you know what women out there would do for the security and benefits that you have?” “You need to get on your job.”
I was always ashamed and embarrassed to talk with anyone, and he knew this, so he was counting on me doing the same. The kicker is that he would still get up in the pulpit and preach as though nothing was wrong for two years. I would try to talk to him and ask “How come we can’t live what you preach?” He would either get angry and say nothing, or tell me to live it if I wanted to. The church members who loved us so dearly had no idea that after we left the church, the show was over and he wouldn’t speak to me if he didn’t have to.
After finding out about the affair, I was absolutely DEVASTATED!!! Not only because this was the first or second time that my trust had been betrayed, but because we were supposed to be Christians!!! Initally when I found out, I already knew I would have to catch him with his hand in the cookie jar. However, we had agreed not to talk to each other and that I should only call him if there is an emergency with the kids. I decided to drive to the state he was in to catch him, but then he called not knowing what I knew and said he wanted to work this out. I did confront him when I arrived. Of course he did not admit to the affair at first, and then thought I was going to sleep with him that night!! He finally admitted to the affair the next day. The devastating part of this nightmare was that this woman knew everything about me, where I lived, would make comments to him about when she drove by what she saw, and that he had sex with this woman without any protection…
After we tried to work it out, she would text him to ask him how his day went, etc., and that’s when I asked him to give up her e-mail. He gave the wrong one at first, but then gave the correct one. I was very brief, cordial, and lady-like in asking her not to make contact with my husband. She replied in such a manner as to make fun of me telling me that I should have been on my job and copied him also stating to him “Is this what you were talking about?” Obviously he had frontloaded her but told me he did not. She even knew my medical history and made fun of me in her e-mail response, just saying demeaning things. I should have seen it then, but he did not protect me at all, and I should have known this was not going to work out. He promised he had told this woman off, not to call him or he would get a restraining order on her, etc., all the stuff he thought I would want to hear. It seemed so perfect until… I found out he had still been talking to her the entire time just deleting the calls from his phone.
He travels a great deal with his job, and uses this forum to conduct his secret rendezvous. Even after he told me that we would have no vacation last year, he took this woman and her kids to Disney in Florida while he should have been “working”. He sent the kids things from Toys R Us via e-mail, and even took her to meet his best friend who was in our wedding, who owns strip clubs, etc. Not only that, he took her to Las Vegas for almost a week, and I am the one who took him and picked him up from the airport.
I knew I had to catch him with his hand in the cookie jar. So when I found out 4 months later after his professing to leave that life alone that he was supposed to be going out of town to one state, but got some intel on how he was landing where she was at and planned to take a long drive to where he was supposed to be for his job, I drove down so that I would arrive before the plane landed and took pictures. I called as I was watching him, and called again while he was eating. I asked where he was eating and he said our favorite restaurant. Little did he know that I was waiting outside the restaurant and when they both came out I thought I would die!!!
I went back to where I know they were going, her house, but they made a pitstop at her sister’s house and this is when I knocked on the door and his hand was caught in the cookie jar. He was shocked out of his mind and was begging me to listen to him that it was nothing and then had the nerve to invite me in so we could all sit down and talk! Of course I told him he was crazy and that I was done.
He even took us with him on a road trip as he went to visit his offices, and complained about the traveling when he didn’t mind traveling for the… Anyway, I am tired and I don’t see evidence of true change and committment not to me, but to God. If he cannot serve and obey God out of love, I don’t think he will ever be able to love me.
Right now, we are still living together, and he constantly says that he has changed, but I have my intel staff and I have information that proves otherwise in big ways. I am truly living with a person who displays the characteristics of narcissistic behavior and it is taxing on my spirituality and self-esteem. I have never been able to tell him how I really feel and let my anger out. He expects me to be over this already.
I cry to myself all the time, and my prayer life is a struggle, but I still hold on because I truly believe God has a plan for me. I continue to work with the kids in church because they keep me going. I just worry about all those lives we touched, he taught and how this would devastate them and our children… should I continue to be humble and suffer in silence because of what it will do to them? LaTay
(UK) Hi Latay, I have just read your story and I am just heart broken by the devastation your husband has put on you. Firstly I just sense how strong you have been and continue to be, to have had the strength to confront him instead of pretending that everything is ok like some people do is a testiment to your walk with God and your love for him, because alone it would be impossible.
My story is slightly different from yours but the pain, anger and devastation is exactly the same. Last year on our 2nd wedding anniversary my husband confessed to me that he had a sexual addiction, and throughout our relationship he’d gone into mens public toilets and had received oral sex from strange men. After his confession soooooooooooooooo many things came to light about his sexual brokenness and all I wanted to do was to run a million miles away from him because I could not believe that my man, the one who had promised to love, honour and protect me for the rest of my life was capable of such a thing, and I honestly hated him.
I stayed and am still here but only because of Christ and the strength he has given me and my husband.
My husband has been amazing. He has taken everything I’ve given him, my anger, my pain and so much more, because he loves me and knows exactly what he has done and the consequences of his actions.
I do not believe his words, but his actions, because once trust has been violated words mean nothing, but actions mean everything and is evidence of true change and understanding on the part of your husband.
From your story it sounds as though your husband is continuing to be completely selfish and feels nothing for the pain he has caused you and continues to cause you. He has lied and continues to lie about all the things he has been doing. If he understood the true consequences of his betrayal he would not be acting this way, because the tears you cry would break his heart, and he would NEVER EVER want to be the cause of another tear drop from your eyes again.
It must be so hard still being in the same house as him. If there is any way for you to separate just for a while, I would advise it because that really helped my husband and me. While he is there you still have a constant reminder of the hurt he is causing. Only you know what you need to do but remember that infidelity is the one thing which allows you to be free to leave a marriage, if you want to. Unless your husband is prepared to do EVERYTHING in his power to mend your marriage it will not suceed, it’s so difficult when both partners are willing to work at the marriage, but when one so blatently does not want to yet continue to confess that they do, your chances of success are practically zero.
Deciding to leave is the most difficult choice you will ever have to make, even after all the pain he has caused you, but unfortunately it may be one you will have to make. If you can see that he is willing and able to, then that can be the start of your healing together. But if he is not, then you will have to find the strength within you to say “I am a beautiful loved daughter of God. Even if I was the only one on earth, he still would have opened his arms and died on the cross for me, because that is how much I am worth, and I will not accept anything less. My Father in heaven loves me and knows that I am his most precious child. He will be my strenth when I am weak, when I cry his heart breaks and he wipes away my tears. When I can not carry on, he will pick me up and take me to the place I need to be. He will embrace me as a father embraces a daughter. No matter what happens, I will never walk alone because he is ALWAYS with me”.
Please do not let the shame of his actions keep you in bondage. Do not keep his secret, speak to people who love you and who you trust. You did not do this, he did. You do not have to suffer in silence, and trust me, the shame of what has happened to you will shoke you until you break free from it.
For about 8 months I didn’t tell any of my friends and family about my husband actions, and I grew even more angry and bitter towards him because I felt that in setting himself free by his confession, he had imprisoned me because I was advised not to tell anyone. So when I couldn’t take it anymore I confessed all to my 2 best friends of 17 years, and my husband himself sat down with my family members and told them everything that had happened from his confession day.
I was so proud of him, and it proved to me that what he was saying was the truth, that he would do whatever it took to add to my healing. He had said it so many times, but until he proved it with his actions the word meant nothing.
For your children, it sounds like you are part of a great church. You have to give them up to God, trust that he will protect them and surround them with love, children will always rather be FROM a broken home, than LIVE in a broken home. Their childhood is so precious, if you don’t get it right they will suffer in the long run. My husband’s behaviour started when he was 7 years old, just a baby, yet his parents had no clue what was happening.
Children have a way of making things their fault when it is not, so all you can do is to be honest with them, and let them know no matter what happens Mummy and Daddy love them more than anything in the world.
My 7 year old daughter is from a previous relationship. She calls my husband daddy because her biological father (sperm donor, I call him) abandoned her when she was 2 years old. At the time I thought she would be detroyed but I gave her up to God and he has done amazing things in her life. I’m so proud and blessed to be her mother, but there was times when I didn’t think we would survive.
The things God can do for is just beyound anything we could ever imagine. What is impossible for us, is so simple for him, if we just allow him to do his work in us. Just remember just how loved you are, when you cry, others like me care, but more than that God cares.
I will be praying for you and your wonderful children. Much love and prayers always. Caroline xxx
(SOUTH AFRICA) I have been married for 25 five years and found out last year that my husband had an affair with his boss. Both him and her are in very high profile jobs. She is a married woman as well. We have three children, the youngest 15 years who has suffered the most of the children.
When I found the proof of the affair I confronted him alone and her when I saw them together. Never did he admit or explain. As a matter of fact, he continued to humiliate me in front of the children and her. He said at one stage that he can’t get along with me personally any more to justify staying together. When he caught me with his mobile in my hands he told me in front of the young one that things are over between me and him even before I could say anything.
I was shocked and horified as I was under the impression we had a happy marriage. Never did he complain or tell me anything of what I did wrong. As I couldnt get anything out of him and he continued with the relationship, he stopped talking to me and could come and go as he wanted, I decided for my own sake and the children’s emotional well being that I’d have to be seperated from this man. As you say in one of your posts, he is toxic to be around.
I asked him to leave and he did. It’s now 13 months later and I broke all contact with him. He has also not even tried to contact me in the last year. Even though some of the payments used to come off his salary which he didn’t cancel and is still paying, he has left me with the the children. They all stay with me still and even with the house and all the maintenance bills, I am doing ok financially because I have a great career myself. I am a professional sports person and am in progress author. Yet I am emotionally very hurt and angry and all the things that one feels when you have been betrayed.
The worse is he just left without any answers or explanations or showing any remorse for the pain he has caused which makes the recovery so much harder. I doubt myself and I am gong over the situation in my mind every day, over and over, although I know that there is no benefit to this. I am now alone with my three children and just working hard and training hard etc. I tell very few people about it; I am so ashamed. I feel like the failure.
He was travelling a lot (I helped him become a success) so I just say to people he is still travelling thus explaining why he is not around. He has very little contact with the children. He only sees the two girls now and then. He buys them a lot of stuff and then disappears. He doesn’t support them emotionally. He never really has been there for me or the children emotionally; he was always working toward his own success and happiness.
I read all the articles on coping with betrayal and infidelity, yet why can’t I get it out of my mind? How can I recover emotionally and move on? Physically I have moved on but not emotionally. He has also not started a divorce after a year now and we are still married.
(USA) Dear Lynette, How my heart cries with you over the injustice and confusion of what you have gone through because of your husband’s unfaithfulness. How sorry I am that you and your children are going through this. No human being should do this to another. I will never understand how someone can justify cheating, betrayal, and deception like this and breaking their spouse’s heart. It’s never, ever OK.
In answer to your question of how do you “recover emotionally and move on” … the answer is, it will not be easy, as you are painfully learning every hour of every day. After cleaving together in marriage, it’s as if half of you has been amputated and torn away from you — which is a horrific injury to recover from. You add to this the confusion of all of the “why’s” and you have to know that you are battling through a LOT of emotions to get to a better place emotionally.
But I encourage you NOT to lose patience with yourself that you WILL smile again and you WILL get to a better place emotionally. I truly believe you will with the Lord’s help. And I encourage you to try your best and reach out for the Lord’s strength to stop asking the “why’s” of it all. As you may have read on this web site and other web sites we link to — you can have a VERY good marriage and yet it can be destroyed by an affair. Why… we may never know. It is one of those situations where sin abounds and leaves behind confused and undeserving victims such as yourself.
Yes, you could have had a great marriage, and yet infidelity can still invade it. That seems to be one of those mysteries that most people don’t realize or prepare for (by putting up safeguards to help prevent this type of thing from occurring). Who would think you could have a GOOD marriage, and yet your marriage is still vulnerable to being invaded by infidelity? And yet it happens, as you painfully know.
PLEASE work hard to throw out the need for questions to be answered from a man who is incapable of being open and honest with you. He has shown himself to be disconnected from treating you in compassionate ways. Instead, lean upon the Lord to help you look for good in life and for ways to bring laughter for you and your children, and a new focus. Pray and ask the Lord for a new vision for your life — to live with your head held high — not as a victim.
You have nothing to be ashamed of. I know it may seem easier for me to say that than for you to live it. But I can’t imagine anyone who is a quality person to look down at you. You have every reason to hold your head up. YOU didn’t cheat, your husband did. You are being a responsible mother and person, and are doing the best you can under these circumstances. I have the highest respect for you. You are an overcomer. I pray you will grab onto the confidence the Lord can give you to live your life in an even more victorious way. I pray for you Lynette. May God give you help, strength, confidence, the ability to look beyond the questions, and a new vision for your life. And may God give you hope and joy beyond human understanding!
(IRELAND) Cindy… I read your reply to another good lady who was misfortunate enough to have given her undiluted love to yet another emotional Vampire. I must say to you I found your words so calming and lifting and you are right “I” did NOT have an affair, lie, cheat, and abandon a little 2 year old baby… HE DID!!! He is also the one who drained every little drop of love, life and energy from me, in order to feed the false image he portrayed of himself… WELL NOT ANYMORE!!! That ship has sunk… It has taken a flood of tears, and some time. But I know I CAN live alone and one day I will be truly content while he still searches for whatever it is he thinks he gets from hurting people.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Dear Linda and Cindy, We are continents apart yet we share the same pain. As much pain and difficulties I have because of his unfaithfulness after my lifetime commitment to him I know that I will never take him back and can sense the same from your words. My husband has left all of us behind after 25 years of support and love and 3 children of his own blood couldn’t stop him from running after an already married woman who he has known for 3 years through only working for her.
Surely we couldn’t have meant much to him if he could so easily be lured away. I hope this woman brings him joy and like you say: he gets whatever it is he is searching for hurting people in the process.
(BAHAMAS) I married the same man twice. I am applying for a second divorce for the same reason. Affairs! I caught my husband with two woman in one week. The only thing I feel like doing right now is drinking some Bacardi and coke. But, I don’t drink! So maybe I should burn up all of his clothes like the last time. No, I was younger and immature. Guess what, I am now 50 lbs overweight, addicted to sugar and feeling lost and found at the same time.
This time I am going to forgive myself first. I am going to cry. I never cried before. Then I am going to finish my degree, begin to reward myself because I survived. Next, I am going to laugh. I am going to laugh and laugh and laugh. I am not going to feel sorry for myself anymore. I married him twice. Yes, he had gold and diamonds twice at his feet. He was just too blind to see the value. Yes, I may be above normal weight, but I am going to say it I am BEAUTIFUL! I heard God, there is no perfect man. I am going to celebrate me. Praise God, I DON’T HAVE AIDS.
What is going to happen today? I don’t know? Will I cry? Yes! But I am going to fight for my peace, joy and self esteem. Wow! I give it away. Yes, he schemes. But it was one of the best things that ever happened to me. Sounds weird. Good! All dead leaves fall off the tree eventually. I cannot hold on to dead things. It is time for a new life.
To all my sisters and brothers who had someone who left or betrayed you, new life is about to begin. Not in another person, but in you. Feel love, and forgiveness. If you hate, you lose and they win. Remember, darkness is very small compared to the light in you. Don’t give away your life to anyone. Don’t give them the power to break you down any more. Don’t belittle the person, but go higher, speak well of them. Your love was never dark or polluted. Your loyalty proves you are a person of light. Joy is your right. It is within you. No one has the right to your joy. Joy is your hope! Joy is our Hope!! It is our reason to live. No more! Don’t look for perfect people. Begin to love you. I know this my darkest point but somehow it feels as if it is my brightest. I love me. You love you. Don’t let this moment define you.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Lenore, Wow, is all I can say. You are right, your husband had diamonds and gold at his feet and he was too blind to see! And, the same for all these innocent woman who have been hurt and betrayed.
I am a professional sportsperson so my advice to you is: With a little hard work you can lose all the extra weight you have and all of us others can fix the little things that bother us too but our husbands are stained forever. They cannot clean out the darkness in their hearts and they cannot undo the infidelity, the hurt they caused others.
You talk about light and darkness and it reminds me of what my mother always use to say.
She said : “One day when you are old you want to look back at your life behind you and see light, not darkness.”
(USA) I found out on March 1st of this year that my husband was having an affair with his dead cousins common-law wife. He walked out and moved in with her on the 5th. He left me with all the bills, the house, 3 gorgeous sons and no dependable vehicle. He told me when the financial issues were taken care of, he was open to reconciliation…while living with ‘her.’ He wanted to have his cake and eat it too…Now I’m having to deal with all of the consequences. He’s not coming back. I have to file bankruptcy, I may lose my house (the only home my children have ever known) and am the only one dealing with school functions, award ceremonies, sports, doctors appts. and now all 4 of us are in therapy and couseling. My 6-year-old is severly clinically depressed. All this to say…there are worse stories out there and we will make it!
(ENGLAND) This is my story: My wife ran off with another man. We were to undergo a program of fertility
treatments after trying unsuccessfully for years to conceive. I had to cancel this treatment with the hospital. Seven months later, I accidently received a letter in the post, addressed to my wife, congratulating her on her pregnancy. At that time I was also undergoing renal investigations, as I was passing blood. Two months later, my sister passed away suddenly at the age of 47. I was also under stress in my job as a lecturer, due to student behaviour, lack of support, overwork, poor resources & staff shortages. All of this culminated in my breakdown & subsequent job loss. People would not believe this if they read it in a book. This was 2 years ago & I have still not fully recovered. It was an horrific ordeal for me!
(USA) Howard, I would believe it. I know what I went through and I didn’t have all the extras you had. My ex-wife did tell me the day I returned from a funeral that she wanted to move out, so nice job she did delivering the news at a “proper” time.
I seriously contemplated suicide several times during my now ex-wife’s affair.
My divorce was even longer ago than your story and my ex-wife is still bitter, uncommunicative, and she’s the one who had the affair, sought the divorce.
So it gets better, but not much with respect to relationships with those who betray. I think the only reason it’s better is because I’m not exposed every day to the abuse she dishes out.
(SOUTH AFRICA) My husband’s affair was only intellectual, emotional and mental at this point. There was much cuddling and as far as I know, two kisses. He would sit online with her and talk about doing the most depraved sex acts with her.
I love him still, he has realized the damage that was caused, he has admitted that they probably would have slept together at some point. He has cried with me, begged me to stay, told me he loves me, has succumbed to me spying on his computer and cellphone (which is not good for either of us).
I want to stay, but if I do, i give him the ability and power to hurt me again. I don’t think I could live through this much pain a second time. Not that I have reason to believe it will happen again, he has had a real wake up call, but still, the possibility is there. I have not kept this quiet, if anyone has asked, I have told them the truth, not in detail, but I need a support network, advice and love.
(UK) Thank goodness for this comment, Her, she. These statements always assume that it is a man that has been unfaithful. Feminism has gone too far; they can have it.
Well, here I stand after 33 years with a partner who now betrays me and then says ‘I’m still here’. I didn’t leave.
Well I tell you, women are far more calculating and cruel than any man. I had a very high opinion of the female sex. I adored them, worshiped their sex, but this shows me what they are like.
If it is just men, who are they having affairs with? Women are treacherous. You can travel the world and work yourself into the ground for the family, give them a good life then be accused of neglect.
Do me a favour, committing adultery is not a wake up call, it’s a stab in the back. Well now she is in UK and I’m in Switzerland as I need MY SPACE.
(UNITED STATES OF AMERICA) Cheating is wrong regardless if it is the husband or wife cheating. I can say that I’ve been a faithful wife for 31 years. My husband has cheated on me and although I have no concrete evidence, I know that he has. Recently, he signed up on FaceBook. He is making comments that are misleading and has posted his phone number on the site. He became upset when I posted on his Facebook wall and deleted my comment. When I asked him why, he said that no one would want to follow my comment because I am his wife — that no one has to be a female. He recently told me that he is leaving me, but continues to tell me that he is not seeing anyone. I don’t believe him; he compares me with other women and tries to make it seem as if I am wrong for questioning him.
He spends a lot of time on Facebook, yet he tells me that I don’t give him any attention. He works at night and has to sleep during the day. It seems as if he is looking for reasons to justify either his cheating, his leaving me or both. I do not like being accused of neglect because I am the one who is being neglected. I practically raised my children alone because he was not home much and it was not work related. He is home more now, but I think that he uses his facebook as a means to have conversation with others. I am really tired.
(ENGLAND) Have found these comments uplifting at this terrible time I am having. I have recently found out that my husband of 20 years has been having an affair with a woman 10 years older than me, this has been going on for 7 months. I came across this accidently and did NOT have any clues. Facebook seems to be the route of this evil. They knew eachother 27 years ago and looked each other up.
She contacted my husband and they met up. I find this utterly unacceptable, how a happily married man with 2 children can suddenly decide to secretly meet up with someone and think nothing will happen. Well it did. Months of lies followed. Additional hours at work, having to be away for weekends, secret phone calls etc and I still did not pick up the signs. Life was normal, sex was normal, family life was as it had been.
My husband came back from work one Friday night and tried to start an argument, which led to him going to stay with a friend for the night to sort out his head. He didn’t go to his friends he went to her. The following day his Visa bill arrived, something inside me made me open it. I was horrified to find evidence of hotel reservations, expensive gifts and restaurant bills. This made me question everything, I searched his emails and found messages, intimate messages which made me sick to my stomach. I confronted him and there was no going back.
This happened 4 weeks ago, he has become hateful towards me, ignoring my calls, upsetting the children so I have filed for divorce. He broke my heart and I will have to pick up the pieces to my life. He says he doesn’t love her but that means nothing to me. Betrayal of the vows we made. I am hurt, angry and never want to see the man again. What kind of woman/man can involve themselves with a family, destroy their partners & childrens lives. Divorce is harsh, no consideration for people having to start again. But we have to, we are survivors and our children need us. Good luck to anyone in a similar prediciment to me. I know I will get through this, but WHEN?
(USA) I am so desperate, I have no idea where to turn anymore. Married 11 years, my husband is an alcoholic. I thought I could help him with my love. I had no experience. I thought he never meant any of the bad words he used to call me, or when he would call me fat and ugly… and the worse thing is, I am not at all either: I am a good woman, I have three kids, two from him. He has abandoned me a year in the marriage, not physically, he stayed at home, but his long lasting love was that bottle of rum. I hated her, for me she was like another woman.
I cried and cried and pleaded with him to please stop, he was damaging me to an extent that was going to be irreparable. He kept calling me horrible names, and I am not from this country, and I am not accustomed to be spoken to this way. I am Italian. I used to be zesty, lively… now I am depressed, and sick to my stomach.
My husband got arrested for DUI and then put in jail. I picked him up, drove him to work, got back home, took care of the kids, went to my work, went back to pick him up, got back home, cooked, took care of the kids, a few hours of sleep, then started again. Oh well. After only 7 weeks in jail he got out, and the abuse started. He is complaining that I am not working overtime, and told me I am disgusting and at the moment he is driving. He will take weekends off and give himself a good time. He won’t touch me, he hasn’t in two years.
My brain is so dead. I have no more idea of what to do… I am so insecure of myself; I am not confident at all. I would love to have friends but people do not want to be around him, and he treats me bad in front of my colleagues. It doesn’t bother me that he wants to find a younger girl… it bothers me that he calls me lazy and that I need to make more money.
He has never worked more than 30 hours. He could barely get up in the morning, and now he is making it look like I am a bad wife and mother. I resent him so much. Why do people do these things? I need to find a therapist, I know. I am getting too angry, but his anger is something absolutely overwhelming.
On Thursday his ankle bracelet comes off. I know already he will tell me he loves me and he will ask me to stop at the state store and buy a bottle, and when I say no, he will make my life a living hell. I am trying and trying to keep this marriage together, but he does not want to. He insists I am angry because I cannot control him, but the fact is he has lost control of himself. I swear I feel like running on the streets and yelling HELP ME until my voice goes away… I feel so lonely, and so pathetic. Am I stupid? Am I really that pathetic?
(USA) So sorry, Mia. How heart-breaking and confusing this must be. I’m also sorry for your loneliness. No one expects to get married and find themselves lonely and hurting in the way you are.
You ask if you are “stupid.” No, you are not stupid. You are caught in a marriage situation where your husband is reacting to you in insensitive manners because of the alcohol he is taking in. You are not dealing with the man you married as much as you are to a substance. It has a tendency to erase the actual personality of the one who is abusively using it, and replace it with someone who is entirely caught up in a world that becomes all about them and the warped world of alcohol addiction. I greatly encourage you to go into the “Assorted Marriage Problems” topic and read the article titled, “Help! My Spouse Drinks Too Much.” I believe it will give you insights that you need right now. Plus, there are organizations we link to in the article, that you may want to contact to help you figure out what you can do with a spouse that drinks too much. I hope it helps and hope you get to the place where you can gain the hope for better days ahead.
(UNITED STATES) I’m going through my second divorce. I have 2 small children with this man. He was in prison the for the first 2 1/2 years of our first child’s life. I really thought it would be best for my child to have her father, so I was there for him when he got out. We married and had a second child. His drinking became worse, he never wanted to stay home; he worked out of town.
I bought the house while he was in prison. He had nothing when he returned home. Yet he thought I should work full time and take care of house and children. He felt that his only responsibility was to work and provide. The emotional abuse became too much and then in the end, there was physical abuse. We have been separated for almost 3 months now. At first he would cry and wanted to come back and then he suddenly stopped. He just recently informed me that he was never in love with me and that he had always loved our sister in law (his twin brother’s wife). She has recently separated from her husband and now they are seeing each other.
The pain from this betrayal has been too much to bear at times. I have found out that he shared intimate moments with her during our marriage. I feel like everything was a lie. Even though we separated for different reasons, I feel that this was a betrayal. Couldn’t he have picked another woman? This woman is his twin brother’s wife, their children are our children’s first cousins. Now, our children have to go through this. How will they ever understand?
(USA) The first time my husband betrayed me was 9 years ago. We have been married for 18 now. I found out just this week he has betrayed me again. First time was 2 different women. It hurt so bad all I could do was throw up. This time it was 3 different women. When he told me all I could do was sit there. I couldn’t cry, I couldn’t do anything. He has confessed to our minister. I know I have scriptural grounds for a divorce. I also know, like one of the inserts I read here, it’s like being caught between a rock and a hard place. We have a son together. I still have feelings for him.
This whole thing was another surprise, like the first time. He just doesn’t know what he did this time…he will never know. I’m so crushed I can’t breath. He moved into another bedroom for now. I have told him it wouldn’t be practical to divorce. I pay the mortgage, the electric, buy the food, the clothes. He will suffer financially. He works, but the business is slow right now. He has begged for forgiveness and tells me he has a “problem”. Gee, ya think? I get caught between searing anger and hopelessness. I just want to sleep and never wake up. Why, why do they do this? I’m not too ugly or too over weight… I think… maybe not… not sure again.