Dealing With Anger And Grief After The Betrayal

man's angry fist dealing with anger - Pixabay punch-316605_640Marriage Missions Note: Please know that we recognize that sometimes men betray their wives and sometimes women betray their husbands. This particular article is written from the vantage point of the betrayed wife. If you are a husband who is betrayed, please change the pronouns and glean through the information so you can be ministered to, as well. Above all, we hope this article helps you in some way.)

After the discovery of the betrayal, the spouse’s emotions are usually intense. The anger, hurt, bewilderment, betrayal, and numbing shock are almost overwhelming. The betrayed spouse will be angry, and she needs the freedom to ventilate her rage.

It’s Important HOW You Say It

The language of anger is never pleasant. However, it is not only OK to say it with intensity and force, but it is absolutely necessary for true recovery to occur. People do not get better until they get mad.

If denied, that anger “goes underground” and eats away at the innermost spirit of the person. It is very important for the violated spouse to be free to express the rage that he or she feels.

After the first surge of anger comes the need for information —what happened? When did it happen? How often did it happen? And so on. This is the time for the violated spouse to ask the offender those all-important questions. Men seem to want to know the details of the sexual activity; women commonly report wanting to know if their husband loves the other person. Whatever the need, the information is important and shouldn’t be squelched.

Hiding Info

There is no good reason to hide information from the injured spouse at this point. The precious marriage vow lies shattered on the floor —there is nothing left of the marriage to protect. Therefore, the infidel who has been discovered should share each and every bit of information that his partner wants to know.

Often the infidel thinks that as the questions come, he should tell only what he thinks is appropriate, so he withholds details, covering up certain aspects of the trail. Nothing will anger the wounded spouse more than being subtly deceived at this point by double talk or half-truths. Eventually, all truth will be known anyway.

This is the time to tell it all, or at least tell it at the level that the spouse wants to hear it. There’s a difference between the two. Many of my counselees who have gone through recovery from affairs say that getting into too much detail can create tortuous mental images for the injured spouse that can haunt her for years. But you need to walk this fine line of disclosure and honesty carefully, and be sure to err on the side of too much disclosure rather than too little.

The Ideal:

Of course, it would be to satisfy the spouse’s need to know without ignoring any major revelations. The main point is to own up to what you have done and to admit humbly the full range of injury and transgression. Don’t try to alter the facts subtly to protect yourself. Just as deceit is no way to build a relationship, it’s no way to rebuild a broken one.

Withheld information becomes “unfinished business” that will have to be dragged along through the balance of the marriage. The more time that passes without the unfinished business being revealed, the more difficult it will be to bring it up. Should the marriage stay together, this secret will become an albatross around the neck of the infidel, who will have wished that he or she had completely “come clean” at the anger stage, when it was the most appropriate and helpful.

The Spouse Now Holds the Reins

The power to continue the marriage has now passed into the hands of the wounded spouse. Her reaction —whether to process the affair is that if she expresses as much rage as she feels, she will drive her spouse into the arms of his partner. That could happen; but, remember, he has already been in his partner’s arms. You couldn’t keep him out of her arms before you knew about it; now simply being angry is not going to drive him to her-more is involved here than that!

Besides, there is nothing of the marriage left to protect by “walking on eggshells” at this point. If you are going to live together in harmony in the future, you need to live together differently. It’s time to start over. The most sacred aspects of this marriage have already been violated. Now you both have to begin to rebuild.

Grieving the Loss

During the anguish phase, some recovery can begin. But it won’t be steady progress —rather it will probably be two steps forward and one step back. It’s a rocky time emotionally, but that’s part of the normal process of grieving the losses. There is loss of trust, of the one-pure marital relationship, and so on.

Just about the time that the violated spouse thinks he/she is getting over the pain, it will suddenly resurface. But be encouraged. Gradually the pain will become less intense and less frequent. You will find the good times between the down times will lengthen.

This grief process is similar to grieving the death of a spouse. Violated spouses do indeed report many responses that parallel those of widows.

Some of Their Feelings:

• They feel abandoned by their mate.
• They feel alone in their grief.
– It’s common to feel as if they could have done something to prevent this.
• They feel like a marked person. They don’t fit in with normal couples anymore.
• They have a lot of unfinished business with their spouse that is now off-limits or has been overshadowed by what has occurred.
– Plus, they feel terrified of the future.
• They feel they should be doing better than they are.
• They will pretend nothing has happened (such as the widow who sets a plate for the lost partner at the table).

Grieving is important, but it is even more important to know what you are grieving for. Some find it helpful to list the losses on paper. I recommend that you try that, being as transparent and honest as you can.

Crying in front of other people as you process your grief is perfectly permissible. Grief isn’t always predictable, not always controllable. It is certainly all right to cry in front of the infidel. In fact, he needs to see and feel the damage his actions have wrought. Be totally honest about your sadness.

Guarantees

One of the first things an angry and grieving spouse wants is the guarantee that this will never happen again. Often Christian spouses think that if they can just get their infidel partner to walk the aisle to the altar, confess his/her sin in front of the congregation, read his Bible daily, or be convicted by the Holy Spirit or disciplined by the church, all will be well. But nothing could be further from the truth. Any or all of those practices might be appropriate, but none of them will provide the guarantee that the wounded spouse is looking for.

The closest thing to a guarantee that the infidel won’t stray again is for him to feel fully the pain that he has caused the wounded spouse. Let me underline this point: promises to “behave” won’t endure; neither will artificial boundaries such as a curfew each night after work.

Remedy

The only lasting remedy is for the infidel to feel the agony he has caused his spouse. If he truly loves his mate (and he usually does down deep; that’s why they got married and why he came back), that will hurt him so much that he won’t want to inflict more on his loved one. But getting the infidel to experience the hurt of the spouse won’t happen immediately —it could take many months. Remember it will take as long to recover from the affair as it did for the infidelity partner to get involved in it. So allow some time for him to feel her pain.

This article comes from the book, Torn Asunder: Recovering From an Extramarital Affair -By Dave Carder, Moody Publishers. This book is very comprehensive and is a great practical guide for dealing with extramarital affairs. It’s very comprehensive because it carefully sorts out the different kinds of affairs and deals with each kind —giving very practical and insightful information. It doesn’t lump all infidelity together “giving over-simplistic spiritual answers.” It’s practical because “it deals with daily, gut-level issues both partners face.”

—ALSO —

Here’s another related article —this one written by Anne Bercht, who understands about anger “after the betrayal” because she dealt with it after her husband cheated on her. Whether you are a man or woman, the following advice could be helpful if you apply the principles that will work for your marriage after reading:

DEALING WITH ANGER AFTER AN AFFAIR

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607 responses to “Dealing With Anger And Grief After The Betrayal

  1. (USA)  My wife recently cheated on me and is pregnant by him. I love her so much I want to stay married to her. We have two boy’s together. I’m in the military and was not there for our kids birth’s and she uses that as ammo agaist me. I worked hard and alot and was not there as a father or husband to her as i should have either and i admit to it. But, she uses that agaist me. She says the guy listens to her and is there for her. Well, I’m deployed over seas and cannot be there for her so this guy is there for her. I still love her. I want to make things work; is that wrong?

  2. (CANADA)  If your husband goes to a prostitute and gets oral sex, is that cheating? He did not have intercourse, but oral sex?????

    1. (UK)  Hi All, The answer to your question is yes… my husband had oral sex with strange men in public toilets, it doesn’t have to be sexual intercourse for it to be cheating. Jesus said that even having lustful thoughts about someone is adultery.

      A married man has no business having any kind of sexual interaction with anybody except his wife, if he does then he has committed adultery.

      I have a support group for wives of sex addicts at http://www.healingheartsclub.co.uk. There is also a link on the resource section of this site but please know that if your husband is still doing this then he is committing adultery and it is unacceptable but there is help out there for both of you. I will be praying for you and your family. Love Caroline x

  3. (SUFFOLK LI)  Since Dec 2 09 my life has taken a turn. My husband received a call from his nephew wanting my husband to do a DNA test. A man contacted him and wanted to know if my husband’s brother could be his father. His brother is dead and his biological mother is dead too. His brother was involved with her and so were many others. This happen in 1968 the man is 41.

    My husband said no on the test and before you know it our youngest son who is 41, got involved. I told my husband to give him the DNA and now my husband confesses that he was drunk and so was she and it happen once and than she was back with his brother who was married also. It turns out the DNA is 99.9 my husbands. Now all I hear from this man is about my 1/2 brothers and sister. He wants to call my husband Dad.

    The best part is he was put up for adoption in 1968 was adopted by a wonderful family but the both died 2 yrs ago. I’m trying to be kind but I find myself very bitter & he keeps bringing up his biological mother. My husband told him it was no love afair it was ——-! Now he put his mother’s picture on the web and we have grandchildern. I told my son I had enough and don’t want to hear any stories. Tell the children the truth or I will.

    Please give me some advice Help!! To add to my nightmare my Mom passed on 12-18-09.

  4. (CANADA)  I’ve been reading people’s feelings, and this is what I am going thru. It feels like hell. My wife had an affair over a year. She told me about it, we are separated currently but she has told me about recent mistakes as she calls them. We been separated for 6 months. I am a Christian, god-fearing man. I have been honest and faithful even thru these troubling times. I have made arrangements to see a Catholic Bishop to see what I can do save my marriage. I love her and my children but I feel all hope is gone. I have recently been taking antidepression medication to help me. I feel even my faith in God is gone. I prayed, I cried, I forgave, but she is still in her wicked world. In this life I have tried to live a life in truth, trust and faith but now all that I lived for is shattered. I cannot fix what I didn’t break but I am trying. I pray for the grace of God for anyone going thru this.

  5. (USA)  My wife cheated on me after 20 years of marriage. Each time I read one of these articles or watch something in infidelity, there is an undertone that it is the MEN who cheat. In this article they often use the term “spouse”, but when “he” is used, he is always the cheater. When “She” is used, she is always the victim. WHY?

    1. (USA) Hi Todd, I’m so sorry that your wife has cheated on you. There is almost nothing that can hurt as much as being betrayed in this way. And I’m also sorry that we don’t have more articles on our web site that specifically address your situation. How we wish we could find more articles written for men whose wives are the cheaters. Unfortunately, there aren’t many of them. We keep looking, but it’s difficult. There are many reasons why they aren’t being written and/or published; I can think of several, but whatever the reason, they are fewer and far between. Just do what we as women do with the Bible and sometimes other types of literature, where it refers to men and he and him instead of putting in the other or both genders… just put your own gender in where it fits. In the meantime, we will keep looking for more articles.

    2. (USA)  Todd, On many of the forums I’m on, its the female cheaters at a higher ratio. It seems among them is a sense of entitlement which is hard to believe. One lady thought that as long as God forgave her, she doesn’t have to let her spouse forgive her (never told him). In the US its OK to bash men, we deserve it after all.

      As a man whose been cheated, I can tell you – you won’t get support and you may very well get hecklers and poor treatment because you where cheated on. A female will get tons of support if she’s been cheated on, many of them get support if they are cheating. It’s the reason the “fathers rights” and “mens rights” groups are starting to exist and I predict will get stronger.

  6. (S.AFRICA)  For every cheater there has to be a partner to cheat with. So I say it is 50/50. You can’t cheat alone. It takes TWO to tango.

    1. (USA)  I am in South Africa right now with my husband. We felt getting away from where this happened would maybe help a little. But I agree with you that it is a 50/50 responsibility. However, the ‘other’ 50% of the affair gets to walk away and move on. If they would only understand the devastation their actions cause, especially when they know full well that the person they are cheating with is married.

      The one thing I want to say emphatically, is that the single women of today are ruthless and will do and say whatever they have to sexually and physically in person or via the internet to land their ‘target’. I am not sure men are as ruthless and cunning when they go looking to get involved with a ‘married women’. How often do you see men advertise themselves on the internet looking for ‘any’ status of men, married or unmarried. They love to use the word…’discreet’. I lay 50% of the blame squarely on my husband for not resisting the advances of the woman he got involved with… but we sure could do with less of these ‘women’ in the world.

  7. (USA)  I find myself reading everything about infidelity; from forgiveness to grief to divorce. Our marriage of 19 yrs had problems but I always trusted my husband; he was the head of the family. I discovered just before Christmas that he was having an affair with someone young enough to be our daughter. I found out quite by accident and evidence shows she had broken it off – whether or not it still is, is unknown.

    We separated for a few months but are trying to reconcile; marriage counseling… I want to trust; I want to move on. I want what happened never to have happened. with the Internet I was able to find out who she is- I think this messed with my head even more; I know what she looks like, what her body looks like. I am a pretty good looking woman and in nice shape for my age but no comparision to someone half my age. The pain is just unbearable at times. I feel so weak for still wanting this marriage-for this wanting this man. He is the one who says he wants this marriage. He is the one to arranged for counseling; it is me who is so screwed up. And every day I second guess things he does – wondering if it’s truth. How long will this go on?

    1. (USA)  Carolyn, Don’t sweat it – if husband leaves for physical attributes, let him leave. Don’t try to convince him he is doing wrong. Go to the couselling sesions. I’m getting read to go into counselling and will have a couple of dozen relationship killers documented. You should do the same, with the affair being either the top one or in the top five.

      Counselling sesions are intended to get you on the correct track, so if he doesn’t take it serious all you cna do is let it go. Just remember, you didn’t do nothing wrong – he did.

      1. (USA) My husband denies that he has had an affair. We have been married for 30 years. I have found used female underwear in his bedroom. He won’t let me touch his phone. He always wants to take trips going to weddings without me. I don’t know what to do. I asked for a divorce. He said no. -Pam

    2. (USA)  Hi Carolyn, Lots of well-meaning people tell you things like “you did nothing wrong” and to let the other person go if they leave -you would be “better off.” Some of these things have truth to them, but they don’t really help you. I know because I’m in a marriage of eleven years that has been marked by betrayal, emotional abuse, and repeated rejection and restoration.

      What I’ve realized is that there is little you can do to “fix” yourself except to face the pain and loss honestly, the “whole truth,” which includes any sin you might contribute. That doesn’t mean anything you did made your husband cheat, but we all have sinful contributions to marriages, and when we are betrayed, we often continue to damage things by living dead, constantly seeking self-protection or trying to numb ourselves out rather than moving out of ourselves and loving.

      Things like contempt for the other person and contempt for ourselves is normal, though not good. We feel marked, worthless, like we are in a sub-species of humanity. I’ve noticed that anxiety around people, my fear of abandonment, my internal anger, and my drive to put on a nice, optimistic facade have all gone up exponentially since the last betrayal and near-divorce a few years ago.

      I feel for you. I wish there was an answer, a silver-bullet. Just beware of letting suspicion/mistrust and rage/bitterness overtake you. How? Again, I wish I knew. I only know that the pain must be felt and acknowledged, not minimized in the slightest. The loss must be embraced and embraced with God. The betrayer cannot restore what was taken from you -the loss of dignity, the shame, the sense of being “marked”, the worthlessnes, the hatred of your own desires (“If I could just not want a spouse, not want to be loved, then I would be fixed”), etc. Only God can restore that. I’m on the same path with you.

      You might want to check out The Wounded Heart by Dan Allender. It doesn’t deal specifically with this issue, but the basic things in the book deal with abuse and betrayal in general. You will see yourself in it, no doubt. I do.

      1. (UNITED STATES)  Thank you for taking the time to share & put into words all the grief, pain & loss that I still feel after my discovery…

      2. (USA)  I married a Turkish guy and I did papers for him. He was a poor teacher just starting out. No one would loan him money for a car so I had a friend who let him drive a car and buy it making payments. I got him his first job. I went to many job fairs handing out his resume and no one would talk to him. I found an ad and took him over to get his first teaching job. I taught him to fish. I taught him to play golf. I put him on the car insurance and the gym membership.

        He started acting up just one month after our honeymoon in Taos. He was rude, arrogant, called me many bad names and pushed and shoved me and would “bump me’ with his chest on occasion. I found another woman’s hair on my living room and bedroom floor when I was working evenings as a nurse. I canceled my sponsorship and he would say I don’t need you to stay here in the US. I went to divorce court and the judge ordered me to pay him $7500 even though I told the judge I never wanted anything from him and I never asked to see his income in the divorce. I feel like I am having to pay my abuser.

        We were divorced 7-24-09 and he would call me to see how I was doing and tell me he did not like the way I got treated and the judge was reallly mean to me in court and unfair and he wanted no money from me. Then on 4-22-11 he shocked me when he called me out of the blue and said he changed his mind and now he wants his money. I said, what about the last two years of you saying you didn’t want anything from me and you still owe me $7000 from our wedding contract you never paid me? He said I didn’t have any proof he ever said that and he wants his money.

        I feel so betrayed by him. I am now dealing with grief issues even though the divorce was final 7-24-09. I can’t believe I am still so emotional. I just feel so let down by this person. I tried everything to help him and lift my husband up and he just tried to bring me down. He would say things like everybody hates you, no body likes you or you are terrible in business or call me names, dirt, trash. I told him never to contact me again and that he is a cheap, trashy man. How should I handle my disappointment and grief? Struggling in San Antonio

    3. (CANADA)  Carolyn, How are you? I just came across this post and my heart is aching for your pain. I am in a similar situation and am feeling the same feelings you are – I thought I was alone, and going nuts!

      I hope you have had some sense of peace since this post. And I would love to chat sometime if you ever feel like it? Blessings and peace from me to you…DJ

    4. (USA)  I found out on March 20, 2010 that my husband of 15 years had been having an affair for 5 months. I found his secret cell phone and her text that very morning…”happy 5th month anniversary… luv u.” I started shaking so hard that my teeth rattled. My greatest fear was that she was younger so I understand and feel for you… I am also attractive. She is a bucktoothed thin haired woman with a gut…go figure.

      I was 45 at the time….turned out she was also 45 and someone he met in a bar. He had been neglecting our business for months… I spent half my time consoling customers who were angry because he was never on the job, etc. I waited for 2 weeks to confront him… unbelievably stressful… pretending every night that I did not know anything… listening to his BS about how hard he worked that day, not knowing I had the GPS on his truck and knew what hotel he was in and for how long.

      Once I confronted him, he was totally shocked and I think the sizzle went out of the relationship… all she cared about after that was not “luv” and sex anymore… just if was I going to tell her husband… YES I DID! Her life has not been so happy after that! My husband was truly remorseful once he saw the damage to so many people who loved him and respected him. By the time he finally made up his mind to stay, I was furious that it had taken him almost two weeks. So I told him that I deserved love and respect and if he wasn’t the man to give them to me he could pack his SH** and get out! That got his attention… never thought it would happen, but he completely humbled himself and his life became an open book again.

      I kept the GPS on him for about a month… he NEVER knew I had it on him before or then. It helped me trust sooner that he was doing the right things. Through all of this we have found great love for each other again, although I do still struggle with anger and rage toward him and toward a woman who thought she had the right to steal another woman’s husband and life! Turns out she told people she thought he was “loaded” …her words. He is not loaded… she was in for a surprise.

      I hope that your situation has worked out for whatever is best for you. We give so much of ourselves sometimes to ones who don’t deserve it. Take some time to figure out what you want and what you deserve… Don’t settle for less.

      1. (USA)  I found exactly what I was looking for in this comment to Carolyn’s post. My husband of 3.5 years had an affair with a married women that had been going on for five years BEFORE we met. By August 2010 when I found out (being 9 months pregnant at that time), they had been seeing each other for 10 years straight. He would see her every other week on his way to pick up his kids for visitation and then bring them to our home. The mistress begged me not to tell her husband. I have not yet, but I want to so bad.

        Some friends act like I’m transferring my anger from him to her, but I feel like I’m carrying her secret for her. It sucks. I divorced him right away (9 weeks later), and had our child, and moved to another state to start a new job –which was my family’s plan before the betrayal. Baby is 7 months old now, and I thought once I got settled in the new city, settled in motherhood and new job and in my place that I would listen to jazz, drink some wine, and calmly call her husband and spill my guts. I should not have to keep her secret, right? Tell me more about telling the other woman’s husband. I need to know how this goes. Thanks.

      2. (UGANDA) I am facing a similar problem with a husband of 10 years who is really unfaithful. He keeps denying the truth. However, could you please let me know how I can get a GPS and how it can be used? I really want to get him red handed. Thanks, Sarah

      3. (USA) My husband denies that he has had an affair. We have been married for 30 years. I have found used female underwear in his bedroom. He won’t let me touch his phone. He always want to take trips going to weddings without me. I don’t know what to do. I asked for a divorce; he said no. How did you put the GPS in his vehicle without him knowing it?

        1. Pam, Something is definitely wrong –especially with the “used female underwear in his bedroom.” This is disturbing and scary on so many levels. They need to be gone, both physically and in his thinking that this is okay for a married man (or anyone) to have them and think that you, as his wife, should have it in your home. It’s disrespectful of you and your marriage vows. It’s also sick. Trust your instincts that you need to find out more about what’s going on, but be careful not to make accusations to him (at him), which you can’t somehow back up. Get more proof, if there is anything –which I’m thinking there would be, and then approach the matter wisely, or the outcome could go in an even worse direction.

          We have an article in the “Extramarital Affairs” topic, which I recommend you read and apply what you can use. It’s titled, “How to Know if Your Spouse is Having an Affair.” There are other articles posted there too, which you may want to read, but that’s a good start. I hope this helps.

    5. (ENGLAND)  I too found out by chance that my husband was cheating on me. I found a phone that I knew was not his or his work phone. I took it and never said anything, he never mentioned it either. After holding onto the phone for a few days I spoke to a family member who suggested that I use my sim card to access the phone. What a mistake! I saw things that I didn’t want to see, and didn’t know how to react.

      I have never known so many different emotions in such a short space of time, the worst was the pain. I spoke to him and he denied it at first, I eventually found out her name and it was someone he used to work with. I had a red mist come over me and that with the pain I ‘lost it’ I got home and took an overdose of alchol and prescription drugs. I ended up on a ventilator as a result.

      Everyone seems to think I tried to kill myself, I didn’t all I wanted to do was to end the worst pain I had ever felt. I recovered physically, but my mental health is very delicate to say the least. I decided to stay with him and try and work through things, but this pain will not go and when it surfaces it does so with so much anger that I can’t handle it. All I want is the pain to end, at the moment I just can’t see anyway that it will ease. I am the oly one to feel this?

      1. (USA)  I feel the same way. It was my husband and my best friend. When I found out I took 30 sleeping pills trying to ease the pain. I stayed with my husband and it has been an uphill battle to say the least.

      2. (ENGLAND)  Hi, I am sorry to say I am one of the cheating husbands. Because you are aware of the desperate pain of the situation, maybe you have found help and resources you can pass on so my wife can get some help as she sometimes just needs to talk to someone who has been there. Almost everything seems to be in the U.S.

      3. (CANADA) I feel the same way. Its been 8 months since I discovered my husband’s affair that lasted for about 3, maybe more months… The pain is so strong after many months and hours of counseling I still cant get over it and I still am unsure if I should stay married to him or simply walk away. I keep thinking he doesn’t deserve me anymore and that I deserve better. I gave everything I had of me to him and our 2 children.

        I never thought he was capable of hurting me so bad. I can’t look at him anymore the same way (with undeniable trust). It’s all gone… I feel like I’m living a lie being by his side and pretending that we will work it out… when all I can feel more days than none, is the pain of betrayal …I ask myself what is love? Is this love, feeling so sad and disappointed by the one person I once could only see as perfect?

        Today I see my husband and all I can see is the pain I carry due to his betrayal. I feel shame and marked and that I’m giving more of myself to a person who could not love and cherish me the way I deserved. He lied to me when I discovered the affair and even after we decided to work things out. I only found out after the fact that the other woman was a coworker of his. So every day he goes to work he can still see her even though he claims he doesn’t! And I’m supposed to accept and believe that!?

        The other women spoke to me on the phone when I discovered the text message from her on an old phone. She was very open about the relationship she had with my husband and appeared to have no shame. She didn’t care that he was married and had 2 kids. She kept it going even after speaking with me. I keep reliving that call and all I can think of is what a ***** she is and what a creep he is for doing this and not realizing how disrespecting it was to me!! But most of all I can’t stop feeling ashamed and guilty as though I did something that led this to happen or that I didn’t have what was needed to keep my spouse satisfied… I don’t know if I will ever feel happy authentically again. My spirit feels grey…

    6. (IRELAND)  My husband had an affair for the last year. I caught him 4 times and each time gave him a chance. I have 3 kids. He has finally stopped seeing her. However, he will not sleep with me or touch me. He is obssessed with how he feels and his loss over her.

      My needs are only dawning on him but they are not addressed ever. All the way through he chose her over me. To my clear knowledge, he took her to a party with me and gave her a lift home before I knew and so on. I knew her and she knew my kids.

      People who have affairs are weak and self obsessed; just want what they can’t have, a love that’s intentional and solid. Do we love them or the idea of who they ought to have been?

      1. (IRELAND)  I too am going through this process. It has been 11 months now since I found out about his affair. The initial shock almost destroyed me. I have a good supportive family, who are all grown up and left home. They want me to leave him, but will support me whatever I choose to do, which is great for me. I have been married 31 years, trusted him, and thought we were happily married until the bombshell hit me, and it hit me hard. As you say it’s their weakness and insecurity and nothing to do with us…

        Although he is still here, living with me because of his threat of suicide when I threw him out, I do know I care about him, but I will never love him the way I did before the affair. My focus is now on ME, my life and moving on and letting go… difficult to do. But I realise I will never trust him again and I don’t intend spending my life acting like Colombo or a child-minder, been there and done that.

        My time to live is now. I gave the best I could in our marriage. He disrespected me and betrayed me and my kids big time, deal-breaker for me. Fear of lonliness and the future is scary, but I’ll survive. Life goes on. Better to be unhappy on my own for a while than unhappy living with a liar and a cheat until the next time.

        He can’t give me any guarantees he won’t do it again, but I can guarantee he won’t, because I will never be in a marriage with him. Good luck to all the strong, inspiring women out there, whoever you are and wherever you come from. We are all unique in our own way and deserve nothing but the best!!!

      2. (ENGLAND)  Hi, I found out 3 years ago my husband of 30 years had been having an affair with my deaf friend for the last 14 months, right under her husband’s and my nose.
        She still had the cheek to visit me 2 or 3 times a week knowing what she was doing.

        Since I found the texts she had been sending to my husband it put a stop to her seeing him. Since then I have had to go through the pain daily because she is a neighbour so I see her every day.

        I could possibly cope if I didn’t have to see her with a big grin on her face all the time. I have found it really hard to try forgive my husband, and now three years on and am still no further forward. I have done lots of soul seaching to try and find answers but I still end up in the same place.

        I still have very small children of school age, causing me to feel so trapped in knowing what to do. I want my husband to feel as much pain as I still feel to this day, bcause I still eat, sleep, and breathe his affair.

    7. (USA)  Carolyn, it is never about looks. No female wants a guys that cheats on his God, wife and family for anything other than money and no man ever goes after trash like that for anything other than sex and it is always dirty and vile. Mid-life crisis and pride (See Adam in the Garden) and not willing to work on His spiritual condition the devil is right there waiting.

      God says he is a dog licking up his own vomit and she is a whore in excrement. 2 Peter 2:22. God also says the adultress consumes a man then wipes her mouth and says “I have done no wickedness” Proverbs 30:20

      She coveted my life and talents and even said so, couldn’t get to me so set the trap and he failed. Defiling himself even.

      Those that would do that are jealous and wicked MY HUSBAND INCLUDED. If your husband is not repentant, I won’t even mention looking to do it again, God allows divorce. Sadly, as sorry as my husband is, I don’t want him anymore but he won’t leave.

      I’ve done everything I could and I’m done. I’m tired of the pain and wish to move on with my life (after 22 years and 3 kids) but he knew what he was doing. The only reason I’m here now is because I suspect he wasn’t really “saved” but trapped in “religion” and in that case we are talking about a heathen.

      If you saw this talentless hack next to me (and I do not think I am all that but the spiritual condition of the heart is very apparent) you would shake your head as did the judge, bailiffs and rest of the court room. She’s more like a dude than a female. Looming and has threatened my kids and has a Holy Sprirt tatoo on his stomach. She’s a raging, loud-mouthed 40 year old.

      She smells, REALLY SMELLS and as we saw, would do anything with anyone for pocket change. This is why Prostitution is the oldest profession in the world.

      It is not pretty, romantic or sexy. It is two filthy, mangey animals and in some cases literaly dieased and infested. This scab was and with rotting teeth. Artificial everything from head to toe, nipples hanging by a thread from a failed economy breast job and yet…He could not perform and she backs that by her nickname for him but still, he tried again.

      She is insecure and will never be happy because of the condition of her true self.

      We are real women and demons like her will always covet all we have. All sexual sin is the devil trying to destroy the home/family. All the devil ever has is a filthy, phony counterfeit!!

      Please know that it has nothing to do with looks or age and God will deal with each on His time. Still hard to take the pain, I know.

      1. (USA)  I’ve turned to God. I’ve emailed his mistress and actually apologized for tormenting and harrassing her. She was my friend too. But I can’t bear the pain. It’s so hard. The only way I “feel” good is to cut myself. I have scars on my thighs, on my back. It feels so good to have that physical pain. I want this man. I want my life back.

        They never had sex but the thought of him telling her that he loved her and that he missed her and that he wishes he was with her right now disgusts and torments me. I’m in such anguish. I want to die to end the pain.

    8. (USA)  It has gone on for me for 23 years, and I have been divorced that long. I have a new marriage of 21 years, but still have hate in my heart for the man who betrayed me, our vows, our life together. My ex said he had to leave way back then even after counseling, because he would feel like he would be looking down the barrel of a gun every time we would sit across the table for a meal. He wanted out. It is now this many years later, and my grown children have contacted him and had lunch with him. He is regretful and knows he was wrong. Well, no kidding. He only had knowledge of 3 of the 6 grandchildren even having been born. He has been in their lives zero. My now husband of 21 years has been grandpa to all of them and is now feeling threatened that my children have opened the door inviting him into everything he has not been a part of. I hate that the old hate and disgust for him has been opened again like an old wound. I hate that I feel all of the betrayal again this many years later.

      I don’t have to second guess anything he does anymore in regard to your question as to how long it would go on, wondering if what he says and does is true. I could never have survived with him had we not divorced. I would never have been able to believe anything which would have come out of his mouth.

      I wish I were in a different place spiritually to handle this…..it was better having him in a box and out of our lives. My children are in their 40’s. They were 16 and 18 when their dad and I separated for the divorce. It has been a lovely 21 years with him absent from at least my life. He has not been in theirs either. But, they are the ones who have now given the door an opening through which to walk.

    9. (RIVERSIDE)  Carolyn -I know exactly what you are going through. My husband had an affair. My mom past away on Christmas Eve, and then my husband had his affair with someone that was supposed to be my friend. I am still trying to deal with it. I have tried to do counseling but he won’t make any attempts to go.

      I still have my doubts whether he is still sneaking around. When he had his affair I was sick in bed with a 103′ temp. He called her from a pay phone and she met him at the grocery store. I think the hardest part for me was that instead of him being there for me for support of the death of my mom (when I was in Arizona), he was texting her.

      I have 3 kids that are still fairly young and I really want to make this work for them but feel that he isn’t doing the things that we need to make this work (if that makes sense). I feel that he has become this stupid guy –one that doesn’t understand where I am coming from or what I am saying.

      We have been together for 11 years and feel like I am just living day to day as I am back in school… Right now I am just trying to better my life. I that if he doesn’t want to be a part of it in the end, well, at least I will be able to take care of my children.

    10. (USA)  I know exactly how you’re feeling because it’s the exact same way I feel. D-day was 11/22/11 and the thoughts that I can’t get out of my head, the obsessive behavior of searching for the other woman on the internet to see what she looked like. I hate this. I wish I could just forget! We have been married 23 yrs and I trusted him with my whole being. I was so blindsided. It feels like a death has occurred. He seems remorseful and cries more than I do! I don’t know when or if the pain goes away but I try everyday!

      1. (INDIA)  My d-day was June 15th 2011. I have been married to man I fell in love with when we were both doing our masters. We are married for 37 years. He has been cheating on me for over a year. I trusted him completely and never, ever suspected him. He brought her to our home, took her out on long drives, sms and calls several times a week.

        Like some others, I made three big mistakes 1. I did not go home to catch them red handed 2. I searched the net and found out who she is 3. I never actually met her.

        It has been tormenting me. I am not myself since I found out. In my culture, one does not talk of these issues openly. I have a wonderful son. I have felt angry, frustrated, hurt, cheated, all at the same time. It is ten months since I found out. Unfortunately, my wounds are still raw. They don’t seem to heal at all!

        He tells me he loves me. Part of me wants to believe it. Then the question ‘why’ comes to my mind and I start bleeding all over again.

      2. (USA) Wow, I did not realize just how many women including myself have gone through the pain and agony of being cheated on. My d-day was Dec 1, 2012. This is a day I will never forget. This is still very new and raw to me. My husband cheated also with a woman that could be our daughter. This woman hunted him down, knowing he was a married man, but that did not matter (she told him she likes older men). She worked as a waitress for one of the places we would frequently eat at. It was hard finding out he cheated. I would have never thought of him betraying us ,our marrage, but he did.

        When I do ask why, his answer is always the same… he does not know why. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think about it. It eats at me like a cancer, so I truly understand what you’re going through. My husband and I have decided to try to work it out, due to the fact we have been married for 35 years, but the trust is gone. He will now have to earn that trust back. It is tormenting to think that someone you love would cheat. I am devastated, but a fighter.

        We have to all pull ourselves out of the torment, the visualizations, and move into a positive place and my belief is prayer. I ask God daily to help me get through this anger, not let it consume me. I am trying to believe that this hurt will lessen eventually. Praying for all out there that this has happened to. Try to be positive and when you have to scream and shout, let it out.

        1. I am like you, my husband of 38 years did this to me, us, our lives. Everything we worked for changed in one thoughtless selfish moment. I just thought that what we had would have been worth a single thought. He is remorseful but that doesn’t take away the pain. If I could just keep the thoughts from coming into my mind, but I don’t know how. D-day was July 19, 2013. It started 2 days after my birthday. The good part is that it only went on for 10 days, the bad part is he brought her to our dream house. I want to move…everywhere I turn there are nightmare visions. I hate that our history contains this ugly fact, and nothing can change it. I hate that I take it on myself so he doesn’t feel bad – what about me? We start counseling on Friday and I am so looking forward, to get a little help & direction dealing with this, how to get through this. At times I think it really happened to wake us up to dealing with our disfunctional marriage, that it may have saved us, just wish the pain & memories weren’t part of it.

  8. (USA)  I find myself reading everything I can about surviving the hurt this puts us through, searching for some words of wisdom. As I am sure others feel, it helps to know you are not alone but reading all the posts and comments arises other questions as well. One of them being why is my pain so strong when others have gone through much worse?

    My husband of 10+ years had an emotional affair with a friend he met, outside of us for over six months while I was pregnant with our second child. I found out about it while I was still pregnant. He of course told me that nothing actually happened, she lives in another state, but admits to crossing the line. They remained friends which he told me I had to deal with and still talk once every couple of months. Then two weeks ago I discovered he had been to a massage parlour twice where he recieved “happy endings”. I confronted him and he admitted it. He apologized, but not profusely and heard me out when I broke down. He agreed to conversations about it over the past two weeks and agreed to see a marriage counselor who we saw for the first time a week ago.

    I have never felt so broken in my life. I’ve had trust issues with him for the greater part of our relationship and these two incidents confirmed my feelings. I always told myself that if this ever happened that I would never stay and here I am two weeks later. Walking around like an angry zombie, can’t focus, can’t get my mind off of it. I tell myself that I want to try to stay together but I am still so angry. I want him to hurt like I am hurting, I want him to realize the true amount of agony that I am feeling. If I am honest, I want him to be punished in some way, I want him to have to suffer some consequences as well.

    He feels bad but wants us to move on and wants me to in essence just get over it and move on. He doesn’t understand how I can’t act normal at home even if it’s just to fake it in front of the kids and our family when they are here at the house.

    Our first session was not as I expected and the counselor assumed since I was there, that I was committed to working through this when in reality, I went because I thought if I decide to leave that I would always second guess what would have happened if we went to counseling? I can’t even imagine being intimate with him again, I am so disgusted that he paid for someone to get him off, it truly disgusts me. I awoke at 3 am last night to find him watching porn and when I said something, the reply was what do you expect from me… implying that you’re not giving me any which he eventually said later.

    I don’t care what my part played in his seeking out someone else because no matter the part, if he was not happy he should have JUST LEFT! You can’t have your cake and eat it too. I have completely stopped doing my wifely stuff around the house, haven’t touched his laundry, cooked, immersed myself in work, staying late – there is plenty to do there that I have neglected to take care of my husband and kids.

    He told the counselor that I have neglected taking care of myself and that in the beginning that was one of the reasons he was attracted to me, my sense of style. Not mentioning of course that we never have money anymore for me to go shopping… because our nieces and nephews have lived with us for 4 years who we supported! So, I went shopping and bought all new clothes. I am not done, I need some new shoes too. I am so spiteful right now and I hate this about myself, I hate being like this but it’s honestly how I feel. I feel like if I agree to come home and kiss him and make his dinner and agree 100% to move on that it’s like I am telling him it was okay. That he won’t have to acknowledge it ever again or ever have to listen to me again one year later when something triggers it.

    How do I let go of this anger? How do we get past the pain that is consuming me every minute of the day? How do I live again? I keep reading forgive but you will never forget. Can I really agree to stay with someone who has hurt me so that I will never forget it for the rest of my life?

  9. (UGANDA)  I am married, with 3 children and pregnant with our 4th born. I traveled for an exchange program for 10 months but when I came back I found out my husband betrayed me and he has a 2 week baby outside wedlock. I am confused and hurting that I even don’t know what to do.

    1. (USA)  Emmie, my heart goes out to you. All I can say is the pain right now will feel almost unbearable and I am sure having small children to take care of must be almost worse… as you hardly have the time and space to truly feel the grief and express the pain. All I can say is don’t make any decisions at this time, unless you know for sure the marriage is over. Know that you are not alone and that their are so many of us out there going through this hell with you. I know from experience that no words from anyone can still the grief, but deep down just knowing you have support sometimes helps.

  10. (USA)  My husband had a brief encounter with a woman 13 years younger than me after 30 years of marriage. Once I found out he tried to fix it, but the hell I went through was almost unbearable. Many suicide attempts, so much therapy and eventually after 15 months I just started to regain a little of my self and some trust back in him. Then on February 18th this year I found out that they met up again in September and were seeing each other until the she called me and told me. I think she thought by telling me I would kick him out and she could have him. (Incidentally this woman was tracking me and my every thought on FACEBOOK).

    Because of some things I found out after, he immediately started therapy almost the day after I found out (and has been going 3x a week since), I decided to stay and give him one more chance. He is trying extremely hard to fix what he done. He has acknowledged everything and has told me whatever I want to know. However, there is so much anger and confusion. There are good days and then from absolutely no where the grief comes and I start replaying the betrayal back in my mind, detail for detail.

    We moved to another country and my husband is with me 24/7, but all I can think about is what happened and how he lied to me. I know the pain gets less after time, but it’s the effect it has on ones self esteem and confidence that gets shattered. I feel like honesty is in itself a lie, because lying seems to be almost ‘OK’. If you watch the news affairs are becoming like an epidemic and even though our spouses could have said no, I lay a lot of the blame on men and women who feel it’s ok to start a relationship with a married person and feel absolutely nothing for the devastation their actions are going to cause. And when the truth comes out, the husband and wife are left with the dreadful after effects while the ‘other’ person moves onto their next ‘victims.’

  11. (USA)  We would have been married 17 years in July. In Feb, I found out he was seeing someone for 3 YEARS!!! He was fired from his job (reasons unclear as he won’t tell the truth). He is hooked on the internet and has other girls that he converses with. Our house is up for Sheriff Sale in August and we are bankrupt. I am currently in the house until we are forced out (2 children 16/12). Where is he? He went to live with his mother and her boyfriend. This all sounds so surreal as I type it.

    I have cried everyday since Feb. This is NOT the man I met 22 years ago. He does show up to see the children (trying to be a father he never was). It was hard not to be angry in front of the children but I am doing better at that. Will I ever get past this pain, hurt and devastation?

    1. (USA)  Hi Sue, I am so, so sorry. In various ways, I do know how you feel. I am still with my spouse, but I am a mess inside -rage, anxious, self-protection, mistrust, a feeling of betrayal and worthlessness and shame, like I am excluded from the “worthy” people and all eyes are on me. I can only tell you that you will get past it, but you will go in one of two directions. It will either make you hard and bitter and cynical and mistrusting. Or it will make you gentler, softer, and more tender, with haunting songs of sorrow within mixed with songs of joy and redemption.

      Just remember what forgiveness really is. It is not “forgive and forget.” God does not “forget” our sins. Biblical language that talks about God forgetting our sins is metaphoric. He no longer counts them against us, He releases the claim on us, but He still calls them sins. So, to forgive you must refuse the urge to minimize or shrink back from facing your pain. You must acknowledge the full weight of the debt before God. And then, as you have been released for your debts, you must release him rather than trying to push the debt on him to pay (even just in your mind). It is, I think, a process, but it does have a beginning.

      I understand that you probably don’t want to let go. It is uncomfortable. Holding on to the anger, in some ways, helps you feel safe and avoid the dealing with the pain. t is easier, temporarily, to hate someone than to face the loss and forgive and hope in the future for how God can redeem and restore what was broken in you.

  12. (US OF A)  My wife had an affair on me last year at this time. I took her back and now she is pregnate with our second child. The thoughts of what happened still haunt me. Even after over 6 months of marriage counseling I still find myself steamed and rage type anger. I am mad after I thought I was over it but I guess I was wrong… Now I feel it’s too late and I missed my chance to not be with her anymore. Many who are close say the Lord has restored our marriage. I know I prayed for this but the buyers remorse has set in. I don’t want to be with her and I can’t stand her parents or family. I don’t know what I want anymore.

  13. (DALLAS)  “Hi there – my name is Dan. My wife is 48 years old and came down w/Jungle Fever.” Oh the shame of it all…! 25 year marriage, 18 yr old daughter w/disability & a perfect little 5 yr old boy. I helped see her thru an anesthesia program, so she makes a little bit of $$$. How is all of that loyalty, love, and faithfulness repaid? Yup, she’s decided she’s “not happy” and has broken up our family over it.

    She refused to confess the affair, even though I have proof – and I mean REAL PROOF!! She further refused counseling to try and work things out. She moved out about 5 months ago. Kids & I are in house. What was she thinking?!?
    I believe she is feeling remorse and guilt and really – CONVICTION!! She’s become the “Prodigal Daughter” who has wandered into the far country. She’s probably going to have to wind up in the pig pen before she wakes up & says “I need to return to my (Heavenly) Father’s house! I believe it will happen one day, but who knows when?!

    I’ll add one more tidbit: my daughter has had two open-heart surgeries earlier in her life and we didn’t know if she would survive them. I lost my Dad 15 years ago… There is NOTHING that touches this kind of pain! I never had an affair on her and I can honestly say there is nothing that touches the pain, anger, humiliation I am dealing with. She should have just shot me – it wool have been less painful! God help us all!

  14. (NEW ZEALAND) I got married to a guy in Dec 2009 in an unorganized wedding. He arranged it all and took me to the court. I was not prepared for it. He always shows he loves me a lot. Now I just discovered he went to visit a lady last night and pressured her to sleep with him. I have just met the lady. She told me what he said. It is a big shock for me. How can he? I am so confused as to what to do. He is currently at work, and to take my anger away I have cut his clothes and burnt his docs. Why did he pressure me to marry him then? Help. I have just talked to my friends. They suggested counseling. Please advise; I am in such pain. I don’t know what to do. I wish I would have died before listening to all this.

  15. (USA)  Hello all, It’s amazing to read these posts because I feel all the pain and more. I was married for 12 years when I found out my wife was not only having an affair, but was leading an entirely different life on the other side of the country when she traveled. We divorced two years ago, but I am having a hard time letting it go and asking what I did to deserve this pain.

    I am also grieving the loss of her family who I loved dearly and was a part of during our marraige. They have decided to also end communcation with me… likely because of the shame and to move on. Last week, my ex-wife married the man she was having the affair with. Perhaps the worst part is that he is on television and I see him all the time as I flip channels. I get angry and sad all at the same time. I’m still just a mess. I’ve dated a little but I can tell my heart is just not into it… so I risk hurting other women which is the last thing I want to do.

    Any advice would be helpful. Simply saying just forget about it doesn’t help me. -Matt