Marriage Missions Note: Please know that we recognize that sometimes men betray their wives and sometimes women betray their husbands. This particular article is written from the vantage point of the betrayed wife. If you are a husband who is betrayed, please change the pronouns and glean through the information so you can be ministered to, as well. Above all, we hope this article helps you in some way.)
After the discovery of the betrayal, the spouse’s emotions are usually intense. The anger, hurt, bewilderment, betrayal, and numbing shock are almost overwhelming. The betrayed spouse will be angry, and she needs the freedom to ventilate her rage.
It’s Important HOW You Say It
The language of anger is never pleasant. However, it is not only OK to say it with intensity and force, but it is absolutely necessary for true recovery to occur. People do not get better until they get mad.
If denied, that anger “goes underground” and eats away at the innermost spirit of the person. It is very important for the violated spouse to be free to express the rage that he or she feels.
After the first surge of anger comes the need for information —what happened? When did it happen? How often did it happen? And so on. This is the time for the violated spouse to ask the offender those all-important questions. Men seem to want to know the details of the sexual activity; women commonly report wanting to know if their husband loves the other person. Whatever the need, the information is important and shouldn’t be squelched.
Hiding Info
There is no good reason to hide information from the injured spouse at this point. The precious marriage vow lies shattered on the floor —there is nothing left of the marriage to protect. Therefore, the infidel who has been discovered should share each and every bit of information that his partner wants to know.
Often the infidel thinks that as the questions come, he should tell only what he thinks is appropriate, so he withholds details, covering up certain aspects of the trail. Nothing will anger the wounded spouse more than being subtly deceived at this point by double talk or half-truths. Eventually, all truth will be known anyway.
This is the time to tell it all, or at least tell it at the level that the spouse wants to hear it. There’s a difference between the two. Many of my counselees who have gone through recovery from affairs say that getting into too much detail can create tortuous mental images for the injured spouse that can haunt her for years. But you need to walk this fine line of disclosure and honesty carefully, and be sure to err on the side of too much disclosure rather than too little.
The Ideal:
Of course, it would be to satisfy the spouse’s need to know without ignoring any major revelations. The main point is to own up to what you have done and to admit humbly the full range of injury and transgression. Don’t try to alter the facts subtly to protect yourself. Just as deceit is no way to build a relationship, it’s no way to rebuild a broken one.
Withheld information becomes “unfinished business” that will have to be dragged along through the balance of the marriage. The more time that passes without the unfinished business being revealed, the more difficult it will be to bring it up. Should the marriage stay together, this secret will become an albatross around the neck of the infidel, who will have wished that he or she had completely “come clean” at the anger stage, when it was the most appropriate and helpful.
The Spouse Now Holds the Reins
The power to continue the marriage has now passed into the hands of the wounded spouse. Her reaction —whether to process the affair is that if she expresses as much rage as she feels, she will drive her spouse into the arms of his partner. That could happen; but, remember, he has already been in his partner’s arms. You couldn’t keep him out of her arms before you knew about it; now simply being angry is not going to drive him to her-more is involved here than that!
Besides, there is nothing of the marriage left to protect by “walking on eggshells” at this point. If you are going to live together in harmony in the future, you need to live together differently. It’s time to start over. The most sacred aspects of this marriage have already been violated. Now you both have to begin to rebuild.
Grieving the Loss
During the anguish phase, some recovery can begin. But it won’t be steady progress —rather it will probably be two steps forward and one step back. It’s a rocky time emotionally, but that’s part of the normal process of grieving the losses. There is loss of trust, of the one-pure marital relationship, and so on.
Just about the time that the violated spouse thinks he/she is getting over the pain, it will suddenly resurface. But be encouraged. Gradually the pain will become less intense and less frequent. You will find the good times between the down times will lengthen.
This grief process is similar to grieving the death of a spouse. Violated spouses do indeed report many responses that parallel those of widows.
Some of Their Feelings:
• They feel abandoned by their mate.
• They feel alone in their grief.
– It’s common to feel as if they could have done something to prevent this.
• They feel like a marked person. They don’t fit in with normal couples anymore.
• They have a lot of unfinished business with their spouse that is now off-limits or has been overshadowed by what has occurred.
– Plus, they feel terrified of the future.
• They feel they should be doing better than they are.
• They will pretend nothing has happened (such as the widow who sets a plate for the lost partner at the table).
Grieving is important, but it is even more important to know what you are grieving for. Some find it helpful to list the losses on paper. I recommend that you try that, being as transparent and honest as you can.
Crying in front of other people as you process your grief is perfectly permissible. Grief isn’t always predictable, not always controllable. It is certainly all right to cry in front of the infidel. In fact, he needs to see and feel the damage his actions have wrought. Be totally honest about your sadness.
Guarantees
One of the first things an angry and grieving spouse wants is the guarantee that this will never happen again. Often Christian spouses think that if they can just get their infidel partner to walk the aisle to the altar, confess his/her sin in front of the congregation, read his Bible daily, or be convicted by the Holy Spirit or disciplined by the church, all will be well. But nothing could be further from the truth. Any or all of those practices might be appropriate, but none of them will provide the guarantee that the wounded spouse is looking for.
The closest thing to a guarantee that the infidel won’t stray again is for him to feel fully the pain that he has caused the wounded spouse. Let me underline this point: promises to “behave” won’t endure; neither will artificial boundaries such as a curfew each night after work.
Remedy
The only lasting remedy is for the infidel to feel the agony he has caused his spouse. If he truly loves his mate (and he usually does down deep; that’s why they got married and why he came back), that will hurt him so much that he won’t want to inflict more on his loved one. But getting the infidel to experience the hurt of the spouse won’t happen immediately —it could take many months. Remember it will take as long to recover from the affair as it did for the infidelity partner to get involved in it. So allow some time for him to feel her pain.
This article comes from the book, Torn Asunder: Recovering From an Extramarital Affair
—ALSO —
Here’s another related article —this one written by Anne Bercht, who understands about anger “after the betrayal” because she dealt with it after her husband cheated on her. Whether you are a man or woman, the following advice could be helpful if you apply the principles that will work for your marriage after reading:
• DEALING WITH ANGER AFTER AN AFFAIR
Filed under: Surviving Infidelity
(USA) My husband and I have been married for almost 11 years and together for nearly 20. He told me he had an affair (now terminated) because I wasn’t meeting his sexual/intimacy needs. Ugh. Part of me wants to barf and part of me accepts that I could have been more responsive to him. I am angry, so very angry and wonder where we go from here. I have no one to talk to – my best friend is sort of a man-hater and this would slay my mother, though she knows we have been struggling recently. We are in therapy, but sometimes I just need someone to vent the rage to in a loud and ugly way. Like I want to sort of say I want to go postal, but not really do it, but not have to worry that anyone will think I will go postal and call the police and have me committed to the looney bin.
Though I do want to send my husband’s whore a Christmas card with a penny in it – her fee for services rendered. I for sure need to vent. Ugh. Long road ahead, right? Right.
So anyway. This is only Day 3 of The Knowing. And it gets better and worse from here? We have two children and I worry about how they will be affected by our dysfunction. We try not to argue in front of or anywhere around them, but a house is only so big. Husband says he truly wants to reconcile and I am trying to figure this all out. I just don’t know how. I need help.
(USA) Wow! There is so much pain and many tears shed here. I feel every bit responsible for cause pain and tears myself. I was the bad guy in this situation. I didn’t cheat on my girlfriend, now wife, but my actions can be characterized as such. Long story short (as short as I can make it)…
We met about nine years ago and as many relationships it was strictly platonic. We were having fun. She expressed how she felt about me early and uttered the words “I love you”. At that time all I could say was thank you; more on this in a bit. Time went on and I knew this woman was great and we could be great together. Regrettably, I was caring my own emotional baggage that would rear its ugly head. I was divorced and didn’t know if what I felt the second time around was real. I felt the first relationship came about by my fears of being lonely. These emotions played with my head. I had become so accustomed to feeling with my head and not my heart (hope that makes sense) that I rationalized what I was doing. I knew I couldn’t let this woman go, but I failed to move accordingly.
Time went on and we continued our relationship. My feelings eventually grew for this woman, yet I never said those three critical words. There were some ups and downs along the way as most relationships have them. There were moments where we both could have gone our separate ways, but neither did so. We never co-habitated as she didn’t think it was right. I felt differently, but respected her wishes.
One late fall, I got a phone call stating she was pregnant. I didn’t know what to say… didn’t know what to do. I became a boy at that time and coward into my own little shell. I essentially ran away from her and our unborn child. When she found out she was pregnant she came running to me only to have me run away from her. I finally knuckled up and took on my responsibility…only by that time, the damage was done. I had betrayed her trust/faith. The man I thought I was, I wasn’t. I was very naive in my thoughts. I’ve stumbled along the way in trying to recover what we had. Is it a lesson in futility? Maybe. She gave birth to a beautiful little girl. It wasn’t until then, that I finally broke down in tears and said “I love you”. This was four years into our relationship.
Along the way, I wanted to make things right. As they say “make an honest woman out of her”, but was weighed down by the skeletons in my closet. I was paying off debt accumulated in my previous relationship. I loved this woman too much to bring her into a financially weak environment. Yes, she was aware of this. I didn’t want my money woes to end in us getting a divorce if we got married. My heart was in the right place, but my actions showed otherwise. I came to the realization that I didn’t want to lose this woman without even trying to make it right. All she’s ever wanted was me and I kept her at bay for so long. I’ve never cheated on her. She has been the only woman in my life since we came together. I asked for her forgiveness as well as her parents for having to endure and witness my mostly un-intentional disrespect. I was told I was forgiven by both parties. Her parents have been good people through and through. They tolerated me at first and now I think they might actually like me. I couldn’t expect her to forget the past, but forgiveness was a stepping stone to our future. I wanted a clean slate for us…as clean as possible.
As of July, we are married and pregnant again. We still don’t live together due to me being in the military. I am due to relocate for a year in less than a seven months from now. As much as I would love to have them with me, it makes no sense to bring them down only to relocated them back. All those ugly feelings she had when I abandoned her during the first pregnancy have come back. She is treating me with disdain. If we have disagreements, it’s because I am just trying to antagonize her, not because, human beings have disagreements. Those feelings of betrayal are strong. I am paying dearly.
I give her some room to vent and let her emotions out, but it seems as though the events occurred yesterday. I don’t think I was ever truly forgiven. I am trying to do things differently…to show her that I am not that same person. I am her husband now and doing what I can considering the distance. We found out we are having a baby boy, which now adds to her ill feelings. She feels that anything I do differently, is because its MY SON, as she refers to the baby. I am caught between a rock and a hard place…damned if I do, and damned if I don’t (sorry for the language).
This is something I guess I will have to deal with and can’t allow myself to not do better for this child. I drive twelve hours round trip to make it to her major appointments. Granted I’ve been doing this long before the pregnancy…that’s the only way we ever saw each other. I was doing longer trips when we had our daughter. I’ve had to get very creative with my work schedule to get time off. I try to be as supportive in her decisions even though I may not always agree. All in all, its been an experience to say the least. Painfully, I admit I had a major hand in making her the hardened woman she is now. Counseling is in order for both of us.
Currently she is dealing with a rather destructive work environment, so we agreed she should quit. It was best for her well being and that of the our child. We also agreed to wait until then to schedule the counseling…meaning January. I know the past cannot be forgotten, but if we are going to make this work, we’ll have to look forward. I hope she has enough love left in her to make this work…as it will take both of us to do so. Wish us luck as all I want is for us to live happily in a loving relationship together.
On a side note: On behalf of those men/women that TRULY want a brand new start, I apologize to those of you that we’ve hurt. Please give us that opportunity to do right. It may not pan out in the end, but one chance is all we can ask for. If we fail you again, then you can go on your way knowing you gave it a another shot.
My apologies for the lengthy post. Communication and understanding are great tools, but we have to learn to use them effectively. Thanks for your time… jlm “There can be no love without sacrifice, no choice without consequence, and no triumph without loss.” – Unk
(SOUTH AFRICA) Well, my story is one out of the movie set. I met this man three years ago and after the first year I got pregnant and three months after that I had another baby so I have two kids with him.
A few weeks ago he told me that he was married but not staying with his wife and now he confessed that he is been married for 12 years no kids, and that he had a mistress as well, for the last seven years. So there are three women and the mistress got pregnant while I was pregnant also. The wife knew that he was not a faithful man and the other girl knew that he was married and knew about me. I never knew all of this. We don’t stay in the same country, all of us. It’s three different ones.
My problem is that he says he wants to be with me and the babies but I don’t believe him. He calls everyday telling me that he wants us to be a family. I don’t know what to do because I feel like I am the only one who did not get the vote in the situation… and I feel for the wife who is married to this man, who is a cheater and a heart breaker. I am so angry right now because I am looking after the kids on my own while he is staying with his wife.
(USA) My husband of 24 years cheated on me and told her very personal things about me which she used to torment me via text. She also has a 10 month old son with him. He’s begging me not to leave him, but I can’t stand him touching me and am leaning towards divorce.
(U.S.) I struggle with continued anger toward the ‘other woman’ in my husband’s emotional affair. He ended contact with her voluntarily when he realized that what he initially thought was ‘harmless joking’ was being taken seriously by her. (He know understands and admits that the joking should not have taken place to begin with.) I am highly computer literate, more so than he, and was able to track their interactions. While he willingly played along – briefly – pure mathematics (number of contacts initiated) showed that she was the instigator and aggressor. Also, she continued to pursue him for months after he cut off contact, until the point that I intervened and threatened to expose her to her spouse.
He was – and has been – always transparent about his activities, I have had access to all his passwords, etc. I am so angry with her for pursuing him (though again, he could have and should have cut off contact a bit sooner than he did.) I just feel that she got off scot-free while he and I had to deal with the hurt in the aftermath. Now she is probably out pursuing someone else’s beloved, not caring who is hurt.
(USA) I have been married to my husband for 20 years and have 5 children. We also have been dating since I was 13. For a year I had strong suspicions my husband was having an affair with a co worker. When I confronted him he denied it to the max. I even told him to just stop it now, he is killing our family and our relationship. He kept it up.
Finally in Nov. I got his cell phone records and had proof. He still tried to deny it by saying they were just friends. I text her and she admitted it but said it was over. He finally came clean but sugar-coated and denied a lot of the details even though I had proof of restaurants and a few trips they went on. He still was not treating me right until I actually had proof.
Now he says he’s so sorry, it will never happen again and he is in love with me. He says he treated me so bad for the last year because he was guilty and did not know how to act. He gave me access to his cell phone and feels that we should move on and that I should not bring this up anymore. He gets defensive when I bring it up and tells me to stop.
I’m so scared. I can’t trust him at all and I obsess about this everyday. I love him so much and do not want a divorce but its been 2 months since he admitted it and I still bring it up everyday. Also, he went to confession at our church in March only to continue the affair until Aug. and then went again.
He is 43 and the woman is 35 with no children. He says he has not contacted her since and she moved 2 hours away. Will I ever get over this? When will the obsession stop? I told him not to stay in this marriage only for the kids or because of the pain of a divorce. I want to know that he truly is here because he loves me. He says that this is the case regardless what his lover told me. He says he wants to be with me 100%.
(U.S.) Kim, Obsessing and thinking of it every day is normal. I know, I’ve been there. A good book I would recommend (helped me a lot) was ‘Not Just Friends’. It helped me see my reactions are normal and not uncommon. A book can’t fix everything overnight though. I still think about it every day (it has been several months now), but don’t obsess any more. Things get better with time, if he shows love and commitment to you it will stop. If you can afford it, counseling helps a lot too.
(USA) I can totally relate to everyone. My husband and I were married for 2 years then I left because he did not want to work. He would also call me names and would not listen when I would try to talk about our differences. One month after I left, his grandmother “hooked” him up with an ex. They concieved a child that was born on Valentines day. The extremely hurtful thing about this was the fact that everyone kept it a secret until we decided to reconcile.
We were in the process of buying a car and I needed more of his check stub info. He had moved his things into my apartment, as I was looking for more current check stubs, I found a court order for child support for this other child. On top of that, we had talked about getting back together and having another child, we did. The child that he has with this other woman is right in the middle of our two children. I feel betrayed to the highest degree. By him and his grandmother.
I thought that if we moved and made a fresh start, things would be different. Only in a fantasy world does that exist. I constantly think that he is cheating, I do not trust him. To this day, he still lies about things that really don’t matter. When I mention his lying he says I am overreacting. This week my uncle passed away. I asked him to go to the funeral (mind you we are living together and making a new start). He said no because he was still grieving the death of his mother. I understood, but I could not understand why he would not want to support me during this time.
Tonight we were drifting off to sleep and his grandmother calls to say that his father will watch our children while he attends the funeral. And that he was riding along with his grandmother. To say the the least I was pissed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He never bothered to tell me that He was going. He claims he doesnt even remember telling me that he said he wasnt going. From what I can see, him and his grandmother are too sneaky for me. She knew (grandmother) about this other child and even babysat the child while the mother worked. True it wasnt her responsilbility to tell me, but really?!?!? Right now I feel unloved, used and worthless. It seems as if he does not care for my feelings and never really did. I know that his granny never cared for me as well. Please help!!!!! ADVICE PLEASE
(USA) My husband and I were married for 28 years, in Oct of 2010 he died of cancer. A few days ago I found out that he was having an affair for a couple of years. How do I deal with that since I cannot confront him and get his side of the story?
(USA) Hi all, …first I have to say it is heartbreaking to see that so many are in the same place that I am….though it is great to have found a forum where I can write and try to deal with events in my life, and to have others that will understand. That is great, but at the same time it is heart breaking to find that there are SO MANY.
My heart aches for each of you. That said… let me introduce myself. I am new here as of today. I live in East Texas, am married for soon to be 8 years and in all those years, my husband has been going to **** sites, mostly amateur ones as well has set up several, many, wow a lot of profiles looking to NSA hookups… where he says he is not looking to change his living arrangement or theirs either… just looking for afternoon sex with strangers.
I work outside of the home. He has a home-based business, which has gone steadily downhill in the past 7 years from what I am sure is neglect. We have had confrontations over the past 7 years about what I view as his addiction and have on 2 occasions seen counselors… once together (that was not only a mistake but a nightmare.. she validated his behavior AND started calling him at our home) and once alone.
I am a follower of Christ and as such have worked and prayed hard to stay in my marriage. But as of late, I have begun to feel so very alone and sad. I am hoping that having a place to put this in writing might help… Thank you for reading.
(USA) Wife of 13 years had an affair with my “best friend” of 17 years. Now, two of our kids will live with them while one will live with me. I am heartbroken to say the least. I want to move on, to forgive myself, and to gain some sense of normalcy, which just doesn’t seem possible. I am just so sad all the time. I had a nervous breakdown when I found out she was leaving me for him and spent nine days in the hospital. I would think I would be able to move on, but I am forced to live with this and to look them in their faces for the rest of my life, and it is like being suckerpunched every single day.
(USA) Hello. I sit here tears falling…It has been almost one week that my husband’s affair became known to me. These feelings still hit as if my brain was shorting out. We have been married for almost 21 years. I never dreamed he was capable of this. Do the feelings of being physically crushed with despair ever go away?
(USA) Christmas season, I was working hard on embroidered quilts for our kids, 21, 13 and 8 from both of us. We are approaching 22 years. I started to notice his odd behavior. Home from work, he claimed he was tending to the animals. Gone in his truck and would not answer his phone for hours. Comes stinking like sin and cigarettes (we don’t smoke) in at 10 and heads for the shower. Day after day.
I checked his company phone and all of everything had been emptied. Very unusual for him and when I asked, he claimed the battery died. I knew even if that were so it wouldn’t delete that. The hunt was on and I told him I knew he was up to something, I just didn’t know who but when I found out, he was gone. He laughed at me and said I didn’t know what I was talking about and I know that look in the eyes. I’ve seen it before. The spirit of the antichirst. The father of all lies and the Accuser.
December 19th as he was in the shop I began looking in his truck. I found a purple digital camera. New in the bag $125. and a number written in his book, the same number listed as DC #5 at work. Even after 21 years I did not have reason to know that wasn’t a work number but it felt wrong. I confronted him over the camera and he said it was for a friend and I wouldn’t understand. Knowing me, he knew if he refused I would tell him to leave and that’s just what happened. he took our rebellious 13 year old with him to her house.
My last conversation with him that night over the phone I said “I know what you are doing and you better make sure you can clear it with God. Don’t expect to come back to me.” As cold as ice he said “I’m through talking. Gotta Go” and hung up. I begged God for some insight and he lead me directly to the husband of a “thing” that worked at my husband’s company for 5 years. I allowed him to hang with her even take her to lunch in my car but she could never look me in the eyes from the beginning and I told him then she was not to be trusted. women like that are very jealous of other women but she quoted scripture :/ Few liked her and other wives had come to the plant and told thier husbands not to go near her! The company was looking for a reason to get rid of her and God did just that. My husband didn’t have much nice to say about her ever. She is worldly, selfish, catty and jealous of everything and since I trusted his tetimony in Christ-no worry.
She was fired last summer; he actually laughed telling me about it. First husband died-suicide? Some would say, and left her $200k. She paid $100k down on a $300k house filled with trailer fixtures and convinced everyone she was a millionaire. Her husband confirms on the 19th they are separated and going through a nasty custody battle over their 2 year old. She works at a clothing store, (my 21 year old makes more than she does) purple is her favorite color and that is her number.
I knew she was after my husband for that house payment. Knowing the company’s pay schedule and that as an Engineer he would get a Christmas bonus so that even if he wouldn’t abandon his family he would have enough to take care of us and make her house payment. I also know had he not come clean with it all, she would have black mailed him and he probably would have ended up killing her. We could tell in some of her multiple personality e-mails she was feeling it out to see how much he had told me. This is what we see in movies and the real life depictions on shows like “Snapped.”
My 21 year old doesn’t believe it that night and drives over there to see dad’s truck and she calls the law that tells him to go. I call her phone and tell her to tell my husband to call home. All evening my 13 y/o e-mails hateful back and forth to me and my oldest from her house. The spirit of anti-Christ is hard at work to destroy all that God calls Holy. Proverbs decribes it all to a “t” calling her a whore and her house a “Path to hell.” My baby confirms she was with him when he bought the camera and he told her not to tell me. Crying, she said she knew it was for a girl or he wouldn’t have said that and she never keeps secrets from me. He had no right to put an 8 year old in that! He had no right to do any of what he did neither did that covetous whore. She is toxic to all she comes in contact with.
December 20th he calls and I let voicemail get it. He is seething, like a caged animal-demon-saying yes, it was her (Same name as me-thanks Satan) but they are just friends. I was making a big deal out of nothing and he didn’t want me to cause her problems in her custody. I knew he was so busted and so did he! I check the debit on-line and see the mornings he carried biscuits to her. Trips to the gas station and out to lunch which he lied about all of that but I knew. I now realize he took at least one vacation day to be with her and lied to me about working Saturdays.
In the midst of that 12 days he asked me for one of my Christian flags for a friend. Without hesitation I said yes and he put it up on her whore house (God says she is a whore. the word is biblical). Ironic isn’t it but the devil makes it as filthy and sickening as he can.
He comes home trying to deny it all and I try to believe him even having sex with him but I could smell “it” all over him. It eventually all comes out and it was unprotected so now he’s off to the doctor to be tested. He claims he took a shower there but it took months for that smell to go away. He swore to God, hand on the Bible he never had sex and in his mind he was justified since he couldn’t perform but God says his heart had already done it all long before then and he knows that) then swore on our baby’s life his face never went “down there”. Within the first 24 hours me and my baby were covered in a PURPLE rash the doctors couldn’t explain. The closet where I prayed for countless hours flooded and I begged every Christian man we knew to minster to him, to no avail.
January 13th I couldn’t take anymore. We don’t drink but I went and bought a half gallon of the best whiskey. 2 and a half drinks later I’m beating him with a cane, chase him outside and he calls the law. I go to jail and a pastor friend comes to counsel him all night. I have to stay 24 hours but God in His mercy gets me to my hearing many hours early and my husband stands before the judge crying saying that I’ve been a faithful wife and mother. His adultery brought this on and in Old Testament, he would have been stoned to death. He only called the cops becuase I would have killed him which he didn’t care, except that I would go to prison and our kid would have no one. I’m covered in that same smell which I now know is “SIN” and all it’s filth. I mentioned it to one of the cops and she said it was the stench of sin, that jail is a dwelling place for the result of sin and it does stink. It is Biblical.
He’s so sorry for it all but still refuses to tell me all that I need to know and no one has the right to tell the victim what they do and do not need to know to heal. The slanderous adulterer owes it to the victim to tell all they ask for and TELL THE TRUTH. God will not cover you nor heal you if you don’t. He says it’s all or nothing with Him and you cannot hide from Him. If you are not truly “saved” it doesn’t matter anyway. That is another topic altogther. Confess and call upon the name of the LORD and you shall be saved. God will use all sin for His glory for those that love Him.
We saw her in court on behalf of her husband as she told my husband everything and that she would do anything to ruin her ex. She started claiming the ex had molested the baby when she realized my hisband would not take her calls at all. Seeing her in court was shocking. Skinny, blue, oily skin. Giant “Joker” mouth with yellow teeth and tooth decay starting, fried bleached blonde, short balding hair sprayed so stiff it doesn’t move. Black eyes and a greenish glow, dresses and walks like a man and the spiritual reality of her reprobate heart is all over her. You can smell her in the room and it’s not just me. Everyone gets it, that she didn’t care if my kids were homeless or that she dragged my husband’s soul to hell, all over that house. “The love of money is the root of all evil”
I see why my husband wanted to deny it all. She is so dirty in every way. Sin and literal festering sores and disease. You would have to be snockered or so blinded by the devil to even wipe yourself with her and she would wave and grimace and sneer at me across the courtroom like a lunatic. Eaten up with jealousy, it’s actually very sad but frightening. We’ve learned she had any man that would have her. Copied and passed out her house key, has herpes and my husband has seen her with a face full of blisters yet STILL!! He was still denying he ever went “there” and swore our daughters life on it. My baby’s lymph nodes started to swell and she was getting sick. I know he did that and this is God telling him to come clean. I hear him in the bathroom terrified asking God to make the baby well but he still won’t tell me and I know it. This is all going on some 80 days. I cannot eat or sleep and he watches as I lose a pound a day. I have lost 35 pounds since Decemeber 20th now. My organs are hurt and he knows he did it.
In all of this fighting it out, he tells our pastor friend, counseling us, he’s not going to be forced into admitting anything he doesn’t want to which just confirms what we already know. Pastor says “there’s nothing else I can do, I see the pride” and my husband has thrown every accusation at me even blaming me for it all. He blamed God, Adam, King David…. everyone he could think of. Like a caged animal. So many lies, he doesn’t even know what he said and once the devil has hold, he doesn’t let go easily. He would have been happy for me to believe it was the one time on the 19th after I called but I now know it was twice.
All of our accounts have been hacked repeatedly and we had to shut my 13 year old down completely as she friend requested him using her 85 year old dad’s name. She threatend my oldest as someone else. She doesn’t want my husband, she just doesn’t like to lose and in her raging black heart wants to hurt as many as she can. Nothing is sacred. She continued to e-mail us as other people but always saying the same thing. How wonderful she was and how ugly I was. I am very comfortable with my appearance. Little Miss Hawaiian tropic 1978. At 47 after 3 kids, I weigh 103, long thick auburn hair, bright teal eyes. She has hated me since she first laid eyes on me and my husband wrote that to her. That he was repentant and amazed I would have him after something like her. I was sweet, soft and beautiful and that he never had performance issues with me but that we had communication issues in the marriage and the devil used her to set a trap and he failed the test.
My husband was not very successful with females before me. His two ex gf’s dumped him and wanted nothing to do with him until I came along. One of his co-workers pointed out that he too was a lot like my husband and having a pretty wife made him more attractive. I do know there are women like that as well as they see I am very pampered but God says I’m to be home caring for the home and family. It has been hard work and my husband has always said I deserve more than what I have although I consider us extremely blessed. We have honored God in tithes since claiming Christ in 1997 and live within our means. He says he will meet our every need and does or He would be a liar. It’s that simple. But to others watching, they see we don’t have money problems and I know they think he makes 5 times more than he does. I know that demon thought that too.
Although she contacted him on December 8th hoping to gain a house payment and I believe him that there was nothing between them before, she went to work at his company in 2005. She lost the house. In the midst of them carrying on she told my husband I was an idiot, I didn’t now how good I had it. Yeah-my husband is cheating on me-Boy I have it made!! But that shows money is her god.
A local woman sold her 5 year old to a drug dealer for crack and he raped and murdered that baby. This person that nearly destroyed my family has proven she will let any male, female or animal do anything to her for a biscuit. I’m sincerely afraid for her child. Please do remember that baby in your prayers. Many other couples we know and many out of “Church” are going through this too. I suspect some with her but another pastor with a student. Each owns their part in their sin but the devil is hard at work and we see it all around us. Church people will all throw the same verses of scripture at you and they don’t help in grief this over-whelming. I was so desperate to get out of this pain a couple of months ago, I was going to run my car in the closed shop but I couldn’t bear leaving my little girl.
I know that we are both “saved’ and I explained to her what carbon monoxide pisoning was and gave her the option to fall asleep with me-death. I told her I would have to answer for that decison but she would be safely in the arms of Jesus instantly and did she want to go? With a smile on her face, she hugged me and said yes. Many believe no one can enter Heaven via suicide but that’s not what God says. Only rejecting Christ can keep ayone from heaven and you cannot lose your salvation. King Saul ended his life and there are not different rules for us. None of the other Church couples are together but we are. They are not allowed to feel all the feelings that come with this, therefore trapped in a stalemate of grief they will likely never come out of. I’ve tried to seek God’s will in all of this and I believe He led me away from the suicide.
Finding this site was a Godsend and I have directed others here. If you have not been through this, you cannot know what it feels like and as my grief booklet points out “we do not have to keep our feelings to ourselves to make others feel comfortable” If they don’t like it, go away! Reading all of this has helped my husband to understand what he has caused and although he’s totally accountable he now agrees it all has the same “MO” of the devil who seeks to destroy families, love and children. He uses lust/greed to do it and sadly so many are willing to let him use them. That thing lost her hosue the day after her birthday and God says he will bring her down and I will see it. I’m careful not to pray for it but turn all my concern and prayers to the safety of her child.
Forgive and forget are not the same thing, if they were God would not have said “Vengence is mine, I will repay”. Forgive mean you give up your right to get them back. Somethings can never be forgotten. Love and like are not the same thing either. Love means you see others through God’s eyes and pray for them not to go to hell since that is a tiny piece of him awarded to the devil. Like means you would choose to hang around with them. I’m very sure God doesn’t like most of us most of the time (self included).
God does not say we cannot judge, he just says to make sure we have all the info. Calling a kettle black is not judgement either that is discernment. “We can tell a tree by the fruit it bears.” People are so caught up in “Pulpit Theology” they believe the preacher’s interpretation over God’s simple English. We should study for ourselves. 2 Timothy 2-15.
Thank you for the blog and the willingness to share your experiences of horrific grief. You do not know how many you may have helped. You’ve ministered to us. Love and prayers, Just me (and hubby)
(USA) Thank you so much for your post…
(USA) Reading these posts has somehow helped me, just to know I’m not alone. My husband works shift work and drinks a lot when he comes home at 6 a.m. to help him sleep thru the day. I work days so usually leave him pretty intoxicated on my way in to work. I’ve recently discovered he has on occasion continued drinking instead of going to bed. On those occasions he has contacted a few different females we both know, coaxing them to send him ‘pictures’ of themselves and offering sexting ‘just for fun’. The last woman he was pursuing came to me on a night my husband worked and showed me all of his texts (just for that one day) along with a perverse video he made of himself and sent to her. I texted him from her phone, letting him know she was sharing all of this with me. She is a good friend to me and I am so ashamed of his actions and hurt that he would do such a thing. The texts were bad enough, but the video broke my heart.
It has been a week tomorrow and I am still numb. I cry. He came home after shift the next morning but I was already at work so we didn’t talk until the following evening. He says he is sooo sorry, that he is no longer drinking, swears the alcohol was the reason for all of it. He confesses his love for me and says he beats himself up continually for the pain he’s caused me.
When this friend showed me these things, my only response was ‘I am so deeply in love with this man, what do I do with this?’ I’ve been reading that I have to get angry to really get past this. I’m not angry. I’m destroyed. I don’t understand. I don’t believe it’s all alcohol. I feel like I’m holding my breath til it happens again. Since this is not the first time he’s contacted another woman and tried for some type of relationship, emotional or physical, I don’t know that I will ever trust him.
Having said that, I also would give my life for him. I believe he loves me, and I love him more than life itself. I have to remind myself to breathe. I don’t care if the laundry gets done; I don’t care if I eat. But I DO care that HE eats and that he has clean clothes and that he knows I love him. We have picked up our physical relationship, which has always been hot except for the last 2 wks, which made me very suspicious.
I realize I’m building a wall, and he is building his own… waiting for me to boot him to the curb. I think building those walls is the worst thing either of us can do IF there is hope for our marriage. He wants me to talk to him, but when I admit to him how sad and depressed I am he gets guarded even when he is trying to console me. I’m glad he has stopped drinking, but I don’t believe alcohol is the only reason for his actions. He says it is. Anyone have any insight on this?
And please don’t call me a door mat. I am very strong, and I can’t see my future without this man, he’s my best friend, always has been. We like to watch boxing and football, we could talk for hours every night, we could laugh and cry together. I have no one to talk to besides you guys. I don’t want family and other friends to know, it would only shame him more and cause ill feelings from them to him. Not constructive. Any thoughts?
(USA) Jean, I’m so sorry that you’re having to face such tough issues in your marriage. No one signs on in marriage to find themselves in a place where they have been cheated on, can’t trust the one they love and are in a state of confusion over it all… so sorry. You’re wise in being careful who you tell, I know of someone who told too much to those she shouldn’t have and now that they’re back together, they’re both hanging their heads with regrets with others being judgmental. It’s more difficult to heal in that kind of circumstance.
As for whether your marriage will survive this… I’m not sure. I know it CAN, but I don’t know if it will. It depends upon whether your husband REALLY “gets it.” He needs to decide that he won’t cheat on you or your marriage because HE knows it’s wrong & he also never wants to hurt you in that way again as much as he doesn’t want to hurt himself. Otherwise, he will always be tempted by the pull… & even THEN, he will have to fight it continually. But at least HE will be convinced that he has to fight the temptation instead of being so vulnerable to giving into his impulses. And then he has to be intentional in safe-guarding your marriage. (We have several articles on this web site to help with that, along with recommended resources to help as well.)
Under the topic, “Save My Marriage” there are a couple of articles I recommend you read because I think they may help you in the long-run. The first is the article, “Why Doesn’t My Spouse Change?” I think your husband may be stuck in some type of “functional fixedness.” He thinks he can live on both sides of the fence and survive. What he doesn’t realize is that this is not sustainable. He’s exchanging part of his life for fantasy and thinks it’s ok. It’s not. And it’s not sustainable. He will lose you — the best thing he has going for his life if he keeps going on the way he is. Words are cheap. If he’s really sorry, he will own up to the wrong he’s done and won’t hide solely behind the “drinking” excuse. It’s good that he has given up drinking — that’s helpful in all of this. But he needs to “get it” that he needs to do more.
The other article I recommend you read is in the “Save My Marriage” topic as well. It’s titled, “Having the ‘Heart to’ Do What You Should.” If he doesn’t get a clue… if he doesn’t get the “heart to” do what he should, he’ll never make any sustainable changes in his life which would save your relationship. Because you will only be able to make it if he shows you that he is trustworthy. It’s going to take a while, but if he’s serious about being “sooo sorry” he will back that with pro-active actions. If he doesn’t, you will know he’s prone to falling again and you will have to be suspicious of his every move.
And through all of this, if your husband shows that he is changing, you will still have some healing to do. I encourage you to pray and ask God what other articles you can read on our web site that might help you in your healing journey.
I wish I could say different than the advice I give here, and maybe I’m wrong, but I don’t think so. You should pray about it and decide for yourself if what I’m writing is sound. I hope you don’t have to see your “future without this man.” It’s horrible to lose a best friend– especially this way. I hope you have many more years of laughing together and enjoying love and friendship together.
(USA) Hi Cindy. Thank you so much for your guidance and comfort. We have had some really constructive conversations the last day or two and I’ve discovered that this incident and the others have all started with his jealousy and thinking that I am wronging HIM. The main thing I’m stuck on is talking about issues right away and not letting them simmer and boil into something you cannot take back.
He feels shame and sorrow and hates himself for not only defiling himself but me and our marriage as well, and the others involved. Those are his words. I’ve told him not to hate himself, but what he has done and encouraged him to keep communication key in our marriage. He stated that he will use every day of his life to let me know that he loves me tremendously and doesn’t ever want to hurt me, or himself, in that way again.
I don’t know if that means he doesn’t want to get caught again. I do believe he truly loves me and doesn’t want our marriage to ever be even shaky again. But he also knows I don’t trust him. We are spending time together and trying to heal. If he does in fact, feel as bad as he says, then he needs my comfort and support just as much as I need his, right? I really do love him. And although what he’s done has hurt me SO much, I also believe he really does love me and wants to make a change that will last forever. I hope I’m not a sucker. I guess I’ll find out either way, huh…?
He has encouraged me to get back in my Bible. He is in his, on his face, begging God for comfort for me, to find forgiveness, for strength for himself to keep on living when he sees my pain and wants to die. Maybe he’s just good with the words, but I don’t think he’s faking this. I just really don’t know.