Marriage Missions International

Dealing with Miscarriage in Your Marriage

Photoclub

Photoclub

How do you deal in your marriage, with the death of a child you never had the opportunity to hold in your arms? And yet you held them, and will always hold them, in your heart. How does any human being emotionally deal with such a grievous loss?

Tragically, so many couples deal with this horrible situation every day —losing their baby before the 20th week of pregnancy, commonly called a “miscarriage.” Even the word “miscarriage” brings with it the thought that the parent will “miss” being able to “carry” their baby physically, this side of heaven. And yet, they will always carry the baby emotionally in their hearts. For those of you who are grieving through this loss, the emotional effects upon your marriage and upon each of you as individuals, can vary greatly.

“Sometimes a husband may blame his wife, or the wife may even blame her husband. Confusion and hurt can develop and cause great tension in a marriage if they are not handled properly” (Elizabeth Honeycutt, who developed Babygrief.com).

That is why it is extremely important to give each other the grace, space, empathy, and help that is needed so the grieving process doesn’t push you farther apart as a married couple, rather than draw you closer together as partners who work together through every tragedy that is encountered. There’s something that Christi Bear wrote, that you might consider about all of this. It comes from the article “Understanding Miscarriage”:

“It’s common to experience extreme sadness, anger, guilt and anxiety about future pregnancies. There is no ‘typical’ time-frame for emotional recovery; every woman experiences the grieving process in her own way and travels the road to healing at her own pace. While it’s important to allow time and personal ‘space’ for grieving, if the grief becomes too overwhelming —leading to a more serious episode of depression and despondency —it may be necessary to get professional help.

“Fathers, too, are profoundly affected by the loss of a child. Unfortunately, a common misconception regarding miscarriage and stillbirth is that only the mother is affected. Women often feel more freedom to cry and express their grief, whereas men tend to feel pressure to ‘remain strong’ and may busy themselves with work or other activities in an effort to deal with their grief. “Because men and women typically express their emotions and process their grief differently, it’s important for both parents to communicate their feelings to one another, helping to avoid the added pain of misunderstandings.”

John and Sylvia Van Regenmorter wrote something about this in their book, When the Cradle is Empty, that could help to explain the pain and tension that a miscarriage can bring into the marriage:

“The following reactions are common among women: ‘Does my husband feel as badly as I do about our baby? Does he know that since our baby died, I hate having sex? Why do I feel so unattractive? Why is becoming pregnant again such an obsession for me, but not for him?’

“Conversely, it’s not uncommon for the husband to think, ‘I have to be strong for my wife’s sake. She’ll only grieve more if I show my emotions, so I’ll keep my thoughts to myself. Why has she withdrawn sex? Is she blaming me? I know she wants to become pregnant again, but I’m afraid of what losing another baby would do to her. It seems like she’s crying all the time, and it’s really getting to me. I wish we could be happy again, like we were before the baby died.'”

John and Sylvia go on to give suggestions for walking through the loss of a baby like personalizing your baby, not rushing through to “move on” before you are ready, and bringing “your turmoil to God.” But they also suggest that you “grieve in your own way.” They write:

“Greg Bodin, director of pastoral care at North Medical Center in Robbinsdale, Minnesota, has worked with hundreds of families who’ve experienced miscarriage, still-birth, or early infant death. He and his wife have also suffered the loss of two children through miscarriage and stillbirth. Among the things he’s learned are:

• Loss is uniquely personal. There is no typical response or ‘right’ reaction to a pregnancy loss or death of a newborn.

• Feel the freedom to grieve in your own way. Don’t let anyone prescribe how you should feel, and don’t try to adapt your feelings to the expectations of others.

• Remember that the length of pregnancy doesn’t correlate to the grief felt. Some parents experience a great sense of loss even though the pregnancy was short-term.”

“Many couples feel the grief over miscarriage or stillbirth years after the loss,” Elizabeth Honeycutt from Babygrief.com says. “Others close up their feelings and try their best to move forward. For those who have felt the personal pain of losing a baby, the emotions, questions and grief need to be felt, answered, and worked through.”

To help those of you who are living through the pain and confusion that this experience brings into your life, we have found quite a few articles posted on different web sites, written by those who have experienced miscarriage, firsthand. We pray they will minister to your hearts and your marriage relationship. You will find the links posted below. The following article is written by Laura Mills, and is featured on the Todayschristianwoman.com web site. Please click onto the following link to read:

MOURNING A MISCARRIAGE

The following article, written by Lisa Brock, is featured on the web site Focusonthefamily.com. Please click onto the link below to read what Lisa learned about:

LIFE AFTER MISCARRIAGE

The following article, featured on the web site for Todayschristianwoman.com, is written by Bob Perry, and gives insight into what a husband was able to learn after his wife suffered a miscarriage. To read, please click onto the link provided below:

WHEN MR FIX-IT WON’T DO

This article is written by Marlo Schalesky, and is found on the web site for Kyria.com. Please click onto the link provided below to read what Marlo learned through the ordeal of experiencing 6 miscarriages. She not only discovered truths about her husband’s way of dealing with grief and life in general, but also about herself, and about God’s love and care:

SURVIVING MISCARRIAGE

And then here’s something that is written by someone unknown, and yet the advice given may be important for others to know about:

images-4

Don’t tell me, “You can have another baby.” How do you know? Besides, I want this baby.

Don’t tell me, “at least it happened before it was born. It’s not like you knew the baby.” I did know my baby. For the short time s/he was with me, I loved my baby with all my heart. I had hopes and dreams for this baby. I had names picked out and a theme for the nursery. I knew my baby was going to be a very special person.

Don’t tell me, “It’s just one of those things.” It was not just “one of those things” from my viewpoint. Miscarriage has had a devastating effect on my life, and making it sound as though it was an unimportant event does not lessen the impact.

Don’t tell me, “It’s common,” or “It happens to a lot of women.” This happened to me, and all I want is to have my baby back.

Don’t tell me, “It was just a blob of tissue.” In my heart and in God’s eyes, I know I was carrying a living being inside me from the moment s/he was conceived. Please don’t trivialize my beliefs or that precious life.

Don’t tell me, “You should be over it by now.” Even though the physical effects may have subsided, I am still hurting emotionally. My child has died, and it takes much longer than a week or two to recover from that pain.

Don’t tell me, “You’ll get over it.” The miscarriage was the death of my child. I will never “get over it.” The pain and grief will eventually lessen, but I will always wonder what my child would have been like. Every should-have-been birthday, and every anniversary of the miscarriage will be a reminder.

Don’t tell me, “You should get pregnant again as soon as possible. That’ll help.” Help what? I need time to grieve the baby I have lost. I can’t even begin to think about getting pregnant again at this time.

Don’t tell me, “It won’t happen again. The next time will be fine.” Again, how do you know? My second pregnancy ended in miscarriage also, even after doctors said there was no reason it wouldn’t be successful the second time around.

INSTEAD:

Do listen to me when I want, or need, to talk about what I am going through.

Do be sensitive to the fact that I probably won’t want to hear about your pregnant friend/neighbor/cousin/daughter, or about your new grandchildren or nieces and nephews for a while.

Do give me time to grieve. Some days I may need your shoulder to cry on after everyone else thinks I should be “okay” by now.

Do understand that there are “milestone days,” such as the expected due date of the time I should have felt the first kick, when I will be feeling the loss as deeply as when the miscarriage occurred. I will need your support then.

This last article is written by Una McManus, as told to her by Mary Cunningham Agee, and is featured on the web site for Nurturing Network. Please click onto the link provided below to read how miscarriage birthed a ministry to unwed mothers:

FROM TEARS TO JOY

This article was written by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International.

If you have additional tips you can share to help others in this area of marriage, or you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.

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Comments

34 Responses to “Dealing with Miscarriage in Your Marriage”
  1. Tatenda says:

    (ZIMBABWE)  This article resonated with me so much because I too have had to deal with 3 miscarriages as well as secondary infertility for the last five years. I live in a culture where children are of paramount importance in a marriage, so imagine how tough it is having to deal with this every single day! God has blessed me with a loving kind and wonderful hubby but I sometimes feel like I have failed him as a wife. Only my faith in God keeps me going.

    The pain of waiting on God and watching him bless other people who got married after me gets to me. So many times I have questioned myself, why me? Did I do something wrong? What should I do? Is God hearing me when I pray? I feel alone. The loneliness just gets to me.

    Maybe there are other women like me out there with testimonies of how in the midst of this pain, they have had their miracle babies or have found comfort somehow in dealing with their situation. It would be nice to hear and share so that I also can continue to keep hope alive. Tatenda 27

    • Woodly says:

      (UNITED STATES)  Hi my name is Woodly, married for 2 years now. My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for over a 1 year now and like you I am from Haiti and having children are of paramount importance but living in the US help take that burden off. December 9th 2011 it was confirmed that I was 4 weeks pregnant and between Monday-Thursday I had a miscarriage.

      I was devastated, I started questioning why me? What did I do? etc. I cried day and night and I prayed; I slowly died inside. Then I remembered Job when God took everything from him and he stood and said the Lord gives, and the Lord takes and may his name be glorified. I found myself weeping on Gods shoulders, I found myself saying the same words Job said “The Lord gives and he takes let his name be glorified”. On Thursday I had an appointment with my doctor. I went in my closet pick out the prettiest dress, took a shower put some makeup on and I went to the clinic with my head held high.

      I said I will not walk head down before Satan, I am a child of the all mighty; Satan must walk head down before me. We do not understand why God does the things he does, but we know he has a plan and his plans are always good. You have 3 wonderful angels in heaven and one day you will see them, trust me you will.

      Let this be your testimony for other woman; use it for your ministry. God will give you babies when the time is right. Remember Hannah could not have children but she prayed and God answered her, and Samuel became a powerful man a prophet for God. You never know the next baby God gives you may be the president of your country or a man who will go around the world and save many souls. Either way, God has a plan for you and the children he will give you. God will continue to bless you and your husband. Dear God I pray for this woman that you will bless her womb in the name of Jesus. Be strong my sister.

      • Maria from United States says:

        I just want to say thank you for this message. It’s my favorite, so much that I’m going to save this site just to read it when i feel like I’m walking towards Satan with my head down. It’s a month and a week since my miscarriage of my first baby. I’ve been out of my mind since it happened. I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. This really helped. Thank you. God bless you.

  2. Rob says:

    (USA)  My wife and had a still born son 30 years ago. At the time I felt it was very important for me not to show any emotion or weakness at that time. I never "dealt" with it at that time. Now 30 years later I finally apologized to my wife for being so cold and unconcerned. She told me that she felt that it was a non-issue for me and she felt alone and abandoned. That is exactly how I dealt with it –by not dealing with it. It has taken 30 years to resolve this between us. I am glad we have finally done so.

    • Natalie says:

      (USA)  Rob, I am going through that now. My husband and I lost a child in March 2009. He is the same, cold and unconcerned. On top of that, his sister lost a child and he wants to go mourn. I hope he too can resolve this within himself. We have a beautiful 15 year old daughter. She is wonderful and keeps us busy. But I just want the comfort and not the cold, stiff arm I’m receiving.

  3. Anonymous says:

    (USA)  I gave birth to a stillborn little girl, Abigail, on Thanksgiving Day. I cannot describe the pain – emotional pain. I truly don’t know how to deal with it. I am not angry with God, but I am with myself and Satan. I did not care for myself like I did with my first child, assuming all would be okay. This marks my third pregnancy in 3 years with one success. So for him I am thankful.

    The thought of having more children does not erase how crazy it was to see my dead child after carrying her for 5 months. I cry randomly. I have to face co-workers who visibly saw I was pregnant and tomorrow I go to work with an empty womb. I walked around as a living tomb for two weeks as I decided what to do.

    I am also angry at my doctor who told several lies, was neglectful in my care and yelled at me the day I was to be induced to the point where I was in tears. My husband came to the hospital and told me to take the IV out of my arm. I was already cramping, so I walked the streets in pain until I made it to an emergency room at another hospital. I wish I had words of encouragement for someone else- I usually do. But for now, i just need to vent, or maybe it’s just grieving.

  4. Belle says:

    (USA)  I am praying for you, anonymous. I don’t know any other way to help you ease your pain but to uphold you in my prayers.

    Human as we are, you have the right to feel what you feel right now. It’s a process. God loves you and His great plans surpasses our human understanding. In time, He will reveal His glory to you through this pain….

  5. Cindy Wright says:

    (USA) Dear Anonymous, We join hands with Belle in praying for you. The pain, emptiness and confusion you are experiencing must be more difficult for you than any of us could ever imagine, I’m sure. Please know that you are being supported in prayer and love. I hope you will allow yourself the time and freedom and grace to grieve as you should.

    Who knows the outcome of all of this if you had done things any differently? You may surmise, but the fact is that you did what you did with the information you had at the time. We can always look back and think, “If I had just done this instead of that… things might have been different.” But we aren’t given that insight ahead of time. All we can do is ask God to help us to learn from the past and go forward the best way we can in the future with this knowledge at hand.

    I hope you will embrace and lean into God’s grace and healing. Please know that you are being prayed for and are loved by many — especially God.

  6. Randi says:

    (CANADA)  I had a partial miscarriage back in October 2008, I finished it at the end of December. My husband didn’t come to any of my appointments nor did he seem to feel anything. We are newly weds (got married July 2008) and we seem to be falling apart. I really just want to give up. I feel like I changed for the better, and he changed into a mean, insensitive, uncaring man.

  7. Nikah says:

    (TURKEY) Thanks for great post. I love the colorful quality of this.

  8. Eddie says:

    (USA) My wife and I miscarried twins 4 years ago. I tried to be strong for her. We had another baby since then, a son. Yesterday he turned 3.

    She was in so much pain (after losing the twins), and so was I; I was dying inside. I didn’t know how to help her. And to top it off my sister came to visit a few weeks after our kids, Brianna Mae and Brody Mason were taken from us. After a while she stopped crying. I did too. We never talked about it.

    It’s been 4 years and just this weekend we split up, I’m living with my mom. We have a lot of problems, but the only one we can’t solve is this one. I acted like a man, to be strong for my wife and our older son (now 11). It seems this was my undoing. She can’t forgive me for not crying enough then, and it’s destroying our family now.

  9. Cindy Wright says:

    (USA) Hi Eddie, I’m so sorry for the pain you and your wife are experiencing and the way it has worked a wedge between you. How tragic! But I encourage you to find a way to lead your wife to the articles that are posted on this web site (and the linked articles, as well as your own comments that are posted) to try to open up a dialog of better understanding. It would be a good starting point.

    Right now your wife may tell you that there are other issues involved as well, and that may well be true, but this would be a good place to start to discuss issues that are separating the both of you. You have two children and a history together where you share pain as well as laughter (even though the laughter was more in the past), that beg you to keep trying to bridge your differences.

    It’s difficult for women to understand the different approach that (most) men take when tragedy hits. As a result, women think the men are less sensitive than they feel they can cope living with. I know… I’ve been there and have been caught up in that confusion myself. Many, many women are trapped in that maze as well. But if we can just work with our differences rather than try to make each other like our own gender, it’s amazing how our differences can actually work FOR our relationship, rather than against it.

    After reading these articles, it would be good for both of you to visit the “Gender Differences” section of this web site and read what is available. It may help you to build more bridges in the future as you work to make your marriage the best it can be. I pray your wife will be open to doing this.

    It would be horrible to take the memory of these precious babies, and allow your partnership to split apart. How much better it would be to take the memory of these children, and honor them by holding them in your hearts together, and grow closer with your shared history and the love you have for your other children. They don’t deserve to be victims of this tragedy. They are the silent victims that need to be considered and loved as well. I pray the Lord will guide you both and bring you hope and help.

  10. Joshalyn says:

    (USA)  Eddie, I was so very sorry to read your story. My heart hurts for you and your wife. Losing children is so very hard to deal with. I would encourage you to continue to love your wife. Continue to sacrifice for her. Continue to show her love. DO NOT GIVE UP ON HER. Healing doesn’t come in certain time frames, but it CAN come. I think it would be good for your wife to know that you, too, were hurting and you still are. I will keep you and your family in prayer.

  11. Amanda says:

    (USA)  Hi, I just had my fourth miscarriage two weeks ago. God had blessed me with two healthy children. This last miscarriage was a major test for me and my marriage. My husband, which I love so much, showed no emotions and didn’t even try to comfort me. I understand man show their emotions different, but it really hurt me on how he didn’t show any emotions. I remember our first miscarriage he was very supportive.

    The main thing that keeps me going and supporting me is my great love for God. I count the blessing and pray for him to continue to guide me to the right path and bring love to my husband’s heart for me. Having a miscarriage shouldn’t be the end of a marriage. I know deep inside that my husband loves me and our children.

  12. Celia says:

    (NEWCASTLE UPON TYME) Hi, my name is Celia. I have just had my second miscarriage in two months. I am finding it really hard to cope with the first miscarriage. I was 4 weeks pregnant and I knew my husband loved me very much but he didn’t show any emotions. He was always working and busy and not very helpful so we decided to take a break for a couple of weeks to sort ourselves out. When I came back a few weeks later I found out I was pregnant again about 2 weeks. A week ago now, I had another miscarriage at just 3 weeks. This was a test of our marriage and he was really supportive. This has shown me that this time he understood what I was going through and showed his feelings and the way he felt about all of this.

  13. Cindy Wright says:

    (USA) Dearest Celia, Our hearts cry with you over the loss you have experienced by not being able to hold these precious children in your arms. Although they were taken from you so prematurely, we know you will forever hold them in your heart. How glad we are that your husband found ways to show you that he understands so that together you can be more supportive of one another!

    It’s terrible to suffer loss like this, but to allow it to distance you and your marriage partner, makes things even more difficult. We stand behind both of you in prayer that God will bring your smile back and that you will experience God’s love and comfort through the pain and loss.

    “I pray that out of His glorious riches He may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being” (Ephesians 3:16).

  14. CHARITY says:

    (USA) WE LOST OUR BABY IN APRIL OF THIS YEAR. IT WOULD HAVE BEEN OUR FIRST. IT’S DRIVING US BOTH INSANE. WE DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO. WE NEED HELP AND WE NEED HELP FAST. IT IS AFFECTING US BOTH MENTALLY. CAN SOMEONE GIVE ME SOME ADVICE?

    • Cindy Wright says:

      (USA) Dearest Charity, I’m SO sorry for the painful time you are going through in losing your precious baby. It’s very understandable why you would go through a deep time of grieving after suffering such a loss! And please know that it’s not that unusual to feel like you are going “insane” as you try to find a new “normal” again and deal with the many questions and changes and lost dreams and range of emotions that go into the grieving process. You never got the opportunity to enjoy this child in your arms and get to know him or her to the degree that you longed to do. And this didn’t happen all that long ago, so the wound you experienced in your child’s death is still pretty new.

      As for “advice” — it’s difficult to give too much of this because every person goes through the grieving process differently. What works for one person, and one couple, may not work for you. I encourage you to keep seeking the help you need.

      But there are a couple of things that seem pretty universal in grieving. And one of them is to allow yourselves the grace to grieve in your own ways without judgement from either of you. Some people grieve quieter and others are more vocal. Some are private and others aren’t. Some “seem” to get through this a bit (or a lot) “faster” than others, etc… Please, I encourage you to each give each other the grace and space that is needed to deal with this in the way you need to do, without judgement from the other spouse.

      Make a pact to honor your child, not to allow this to destroy your relationship. It’s important to be intentional in this aspect of your married life. If you aren’t, the enemy of our faith will use it to pry open the cracks to divide you further and further apart. There is a difference between giving “grace and space” and ignoring and distancing yourselves apart over the long run and forgetting that you are to be marriage PARTNERS and not adversaries.

      The additional links to the articles and to Babygrief.com will help you with some of the specifics that you may need to do, to weather this very debilitating storm that is railing against your married life. There is also a ministry you can find at Griefnet.org that you might find helpful, as well as one at Hannah.org and Missinggrace.org (each of these give support to couples facing infertility and pregnancy loss). Please love this child enough to continue to look for ways to express love to each other. You can’t honor the memory and dreams of your child more than that.

      This child will always be in your heart and memory. Time will not erase that. But prayerfully, as a marital team who determines to do all you can to help each other, the sting will gradually lessen and you will have those memories and heart-tugs together, rather than apart. May the “God of all comfort” enfold you with His love and bring you comfort as you work through your grief! I am praying for you, and care.

  15. Leah says:

    (USA)  I lost my baby in a misscarriage Feb 1, 2007. We have two living children, but reading the other post I can still remember all the pain and hurt. I was wondering if anyone had any support or was directed towards any resources or support groups after their loss? My Dr provided me with nothing, but the phrase it happens. I always thought that especially as Christians we should have some type of brochure at the Dr offices for grieving families with websites to help.

    • Cindy Wright says:

      (USA) Dear Leah, My heart breaks with yours over the loss of your child. This must be such a heartbreak for you! Please know my heart and prayers are with you that God will continue to comfort you and bring you peace.

      In answer to your question about resources given by doctors when a baby is miscarried, all I can say is that some do and some don’t give out information and tell their patients of support groups they can join. I’m not sure why this is so, but I’m sure it makes the loss of a child even more painful when additional help is not given (beyond medical help).

      But I want you to know that besides the article above, as well as the linked articles within it, we have some web site links to other ministries that you might want to go to, in the hopes that you can see if you will be ministered to there. You can find them in the “Children’s Effects on Marriage Links and Resource Descriptions” section of this web site. There are quite a few links provided. I pray you can find a good support system through them that will help you during this very difficult time in your life. May God help you and bring healing to your heart!

  16. Elizabeth says:

    (US)  In January of this year I found out I was 6 weeks pregnant and mid in February I miscarried the baby 2 days after my husband deployed. He has come home due to an accident on the job. But since he has been home he says I don’t look at him the same, almost like I hate him. We just got married in February and things between us have been strained. I Love him more than anything and I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I know it changes you, this kind of loss, but I don’t want to lose my baby and my husband. I don’t know if anyone else has felt this way but I’m scared and stressed out right now. I don’t know what to do.

  17. Eva says:

    (USA)  It’s been a week since my miscarriage. I’m very lonely and scared. I love my husband so much but I can’t reach him and I am too sad to try anymore. We have a beautiful and healthy 2 year old son that I just can’t get enough of but my husband seems short with him and less interested than ever.

    Sometimes my husband has bouts of kindness only followed by lots of dirty looks, rolling eyes, huffing, puffing, and storming out of the room over nothing at all.

    I’m just so lost and tired and empty. I fight through my days for my son but I don’t know how long I can hang on. Please pray for God to give me strength and help me to forgive my husband and myself for not knowing quite how to handle all of this.

  18. Deana says:

    (USA)  Are there any miscarriage websites that are not about God or religion?

  19. Ann says:

    (ZIMBABWE)  I lost my baby boy Michael in July. I am very sad, but I am not crying as much as I used to. I feel more depressed though. I go for counseling once a week which has helped. Sometimes I think I can move on, other days I know I can’t. I miss him so much and wish things had been different. My husband wants more kids and sometimes I think I can do it… other days I don’t. Is there anyone out there who has lost a baby and has been able to go on to have other children successfully? I lost Michael because of a cord accident.

  20. Beth says:

    (USA)  I had a miscarriage at 13 weeks back in June, 2011. I had a highly stressful summer. My 4 year old was gone visiting his father for the first time for 2 and a half months. My husband took a job two hours away and left me with our one year old daughter and to deal with the move and my absent son alone.

    Before the summer started I had picture of a perfect little family in my head, I knew this Christmas season there would be three children and it seemed all to perfect. Thank God for good friends, one of which was there in the hospital with me to learn the baby was gone. My husband came back for the D&C, but once we were done, ran right back to work. I was so angry and it has taken me 6 months to realize, how much hurt this has caused.

    Now 6 months later I am no where close to my strong Christian friends, bad financial decisions on my husbands part has put my family in horrible living conditions. I took a part time night job to help with finances, and not to have to pay for daycare. We live in a very small town now with no options at all. So I work in a bar till 2 am, then get up early with my kids. I am so upset by this all. The baby who should be here any day now, is not. Kids, my husband does not seem to care about how they have to live now. I am so depressed, unhappy and at the end of rope I don’t know what to do. I want to leave the marriage, but that will only cause worse financial hardship.

    What to do when life just got too horrible to deal with?

  21. Scott says:

    (UNITED STATES)  Thank you so much for this article and the others attached. I have two beautiful children and the most wonderful wife. Today she miscarried… We do NOT question God or his plan. We are just… sad. Thank you for the advice and for the different perspectives represented. I know I will be better able to minister to my wife as a result of these articles.

    Men – Please be Men. Love Christ first and best. Then, devote yourself to your wife. These are God’s priorities.

    • Cindy Wright says:

      Scott, I’m so, so sorry and sad for you and your wife and the HUGE loss you are experiencing. Please give your wife an extra hug from us here at Marriage Missions. Also, thank you for the inspiring words you wrote to husbands. We appreciate it and appreciate you!

  22. Tumi says:

    (RSA)  I lost my baby on the 24 August 2011 @ 6 weeks. I should be preparing for the arrival now.

    My husband was working 1000 km from home and could not be there for the D&C. I went through this by myself and still had to take care of our 2 yr old. I only saw him 2 weeks later. It hurts as if it happened yesterday. Will the grief ever end? Will the sense of not being careful or protective over my baby ever end? The sense of feeling that I failed my child, will it ever end? I now know that I would not have had the full pregnancy as it was ectopic but I still feel that there should be something that I should have done.

    I lost my second baby 3 months later and I don’t know how to grieve for them as I am still in the daze of the first miscarriage.

  23. Jacqueline says:

    (AUSTRALIA) Hello, I was wondering how much do you charge as I’m interested in joining your program Hope Alive. How long does Hope alive program go for? Where are you in NSW I live in tweed heads. Thank you for your time. Jacqueline

  24. Kia says:

    (AMERICA) Hi, I lost my son at 30 weeks –a still born. I was so hurt; my husband was very supportive and I never experienced anything like that. I feel like people think it’s my fault. No one from my job came to visit or even bought a card, but they saw me pregnant they saw me trying to work and told me to stop and sit down and I would not because I felt fine… full of energy. My job was easy, I work with kids.

    I feel alone and confused and play back each moment while I was pregnant. If I would have done this, my son would have lived… I also blame my husband for his death and I feel bad. His baby’s momma gave me trouble while I was pregnant. I envy her that they have a daughter (10) together and I had a son (12) already before we got together. I feel like she won and got what she wanted; she didn’t like the fact that I was pregnant with his first Boy. She picked and picked until I cursed her out. I feel like she won and got what she wanted and that’s losing my baby boy.

    I become angry because now he wants to speak up to the daughter when she too was messy and he tells her don’t ever ask him for anything. He’s been bitter towards her and I feel like he’s wrong, but the medical examiner said my baby died of a placenta infarction. I know my husband had nothing to do with it. I am just grieving and the pain hurts. I want to leave because I hurt him and he won’t let me live that down because I told him it’s his fault. I feel so stupid. My heart is so empty. I know divorce is not the answer. I feel like she won and I hope he forgives me.

    • Cindy Wright says:

      Dearest Kia, I’m so sorry for the loss of your son. I can only imagine how empty your arms are and how devastating this is for you. My heart cries for you and with you.

      Kia, I have a few thoughts to give to you and then I greatly encourage you to go into the “Links and Resource Descriptions” part of the “Children’s Effects on Marriage” topic. You will find a number of web sites, which minister to those who have lost babies. They would be able to give you the best help –better than we can, because they have experienced much of what you are going through.

      As far as what comes to mind as I pray through your comment is to encourage you to try to release what you can, as far as what you think other people are thinking about you. Most likely, they don’t think what you believe they do –those are imaginations that are run-away in a damaging direction. Most likely they don’t think that, and if they did, it would be out of ignorance. They don’t understand the nature of what truly happened. You could have been bed-ridden the whole time and this would have happened. It’s what happens sometimes for some unknown reason. Please try not to project hidden meanings behind their silence. They just don’t know what they’re doing.

      What I’ve learned about people’s responses when a huge tragedy happens to someone, is that they often don’t do what they should. For one reason, they don’t know what to do –they haven’t experienced this type of horror so they can’t relate. They want to reach out but feel awkward and think that by not reaching out, they’re sparing you additional pain by not “bringing up” the subject. If they had been through anything like that, they would know that what you have been through and the terrible loss you’re experiencing is on your mind all the time. Their sympathetic gestures could actually help, rather than hurt you more. But they don’t “get it” so they avoid bringing it up –not out of not caring, but because they don’t know what to do with it. They’re confused too. I’m sorry that you’re experiencing this.

      I can well appreciate that you feel “alone and confused” right now. You have a lot to try to work through in all of this (that’s why reaching out to those who better understand might help). But please don’t play the blame game as far as thinking “I should have, could have, wish I did…” The loss happened and it isn’t anyone’s fault –not yours, not your husband’s. And please don’t let this tragedy split you and your husband. This is a time to try to pull together, rather than allow it to come between you. Don’t add another tragedy onto this one. As you said, you “know” your husband “had nothing to do” with the death of your child. Please don’t allow the enemy of our faith to play such evil tricks on you, as to get you to think others blame you and then you blame yourself, and then shift a different blame unto your husband. As I said, work to pull together, rather than apart. You’re stronger together. I hope the articles we have posted on this site and other sites and resources we recommend can help you with this mission of releasing blame.

      And as for your husband’s former wife, well, that’s just plain pettiness on her part –wrong, on so many levels. Please don’t waste any more energy on thinking about her and what she does or doesn’t do or should or shouldn’t have done. It will hurt you all the more. Work on NOT envying her or grabbing onto the wrong that she’s done, but to deal with your own personal grief because of this horrible loss. Truly, would you wish this on anyone else –to have such empty arms? I don’t believe you would. I sense that you are a caring person –it’s just that you’re hurting so desperately, that you’re confused and in your confusion, you’re reacting in ways that you wouldn’t normally.

      Again, I’m so very, very sorry for the pain you’re going through and hope you will get help to sort out Truth, rather than grabbing at that which will only make you suffer more. Your baby’s mother deserves better. You deserve better. I pray the Lord helps you, and guides you, and comforts you, and speaks to you, and works in and through you and your marriage in this situation –to strengthen you. I also pray God infuses hope into your heart that you will eventually experience better days –ones that will bring a smile to your heart –even though right now you can’t even imagine that as a possibility. May God’s love encompass you in comfort and hope.

  25. Areal says:

    (US) We had a miscarriage in May 2012. The last 5 months have been so hard for our marriage. This site has helped me understand my husband a little more. I feel like I have dealt with it and he hasn’t. We are going to counseling in 2 days so I hope he talks and we can figure it out. He is a very internal person so I don’t know how he feels about everything. We are still trying to get pregnant again. I pray that God blesses us with a child.

  26. Anonymous says:

    (ENGLAND) I have just had a miscarriage a couple of days ago. I’ve been acting as normal as possible around friends and family but every time I am by myself I just want to break down and cry. I feel so empty inside and it feels like I am just going through the motions day in day out. I can’t even let it all out in front of my husband who deep down I know is completely crushed inside but feels like he needs to be strong for me.

    I just don’t know how to get through this and if its ever going to get easier? I was so excited to be a mum and now I feel like everything is shattered and I’m just keeping everything bottled up inside.

  27. Donna from United States says:

    Hello. I am so sorry to read about everyone’s experience with losing a child. I pray that God is with everyone of you. I just experienced this three weeks ago and my heart hurts. I have a son who is almost four but this is taking a toll on me. I feel like I failed as a mother. My boyfriend and I are being torn apart. We stopped talking about it. I can’t cry anymore but all I feel is this failure and this deep sadness. I don’t know how but I knew my baby was going to be a girl. I wanted her more than anything.

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