“How can married Christians, deal graciously with problematic siblings and sibling in laws?”
That is the question we’d like to address.
Each year, we receive quite a few emails, sent to us from those who are married. Many of them are encountering difficulties in dealing with sibling in laws. The same is true of those with interfering sisters and brothers. Most of these siblings are very demanding, and mean-spirited. They can also be vindictive in how they act towards the spouse of their sibling and cause trouble.
Others stay to visit too long so the spouse feels imposed upon and worn out.
Other siblings expect financial support from their older male sibling. They expect him to physically help them repeatedly at the sacrifice of his own family.
Spouse VS. In Law Siblings
In each case the one spouse is “at odds” with the other spouse because of the bond that siblings have had with each other through the years.
To help you with this issue, we found a few online articles that may give you some insight. We encourage you to pray and glean through the information —applying what you can use and disregarding the rest. Please click onto the links provided below to read.
Posted on the web site of the ministry of Todayschristianwoman.com:
According to an article posted on Todayschristianwoman.com, “He said, ‘She wouldn’t let me be myself.’ She said ‘He didn’t fit in with my family.'”:
• IN LAW CONFLICT: He Said … She Said
From the ministry of Focus on the Family here is some advice to consider when you spend time together in family gatherings and holiday situations:
— ALSO —
Video Regarding Dealing With Siblings
And here’s a New Life Ministries Youtube video you might find helpful. It deals with this subject where Dr Steve Arterburn, Dr Jill Hubbard, and Rev. Milan Yerkovich answer the question, “How do we handle a controlling sister in law who thinks she’s mom”:
Scriptural Reminder
When you have to deal in-law and sibling issues, bear in mind what is written to us in the Bible in 1 Peter 3:8-17:
“All of you are to be like-minded, sympathetic, love one another, and be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing. For, ‘Whoever would love life and see good days must keep their tongue from evil and their lips from deceitful speech. They must turn from evil and do good; they must seek peace and pursue it. For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their prayer,but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil.’
“Who is going to harm you if you are eager to do good? But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed. ‘Do not fear their threats; do not be frightened.’ But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander. For it is better, if it is God’s will, to suffer for doing good than for doing evil.“
We welcome any wise, Biblically based advice you could give to help those who are having marital problems because of sibling in laws or extended family members. If you have additional tips you can share to help others, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
Filed under: Dealing with In Laws & Parents
(KENYA) I am happy to find out that the situation is not only unique to my case, because I have been stressed out. I have been married for 2 months and I live with my in laws. Although they are not ‘bad’ people, their presence is causing conflict in our marriage.
My husband prefers to give them attention when he comes from work because he argues better involve more than 1 person and leave out 1 than leave out to and only involve 1 person.
This thinking has led me to being a loner in the house. I have not encouraged myself to be free with my in laws to avoid confrontations because I’ve witnessed one of them beat up their brother’s wife. I fear them I don’t want to be beaten. Everything my husband does, he always has to factor in what they will think.
He has now forced me to be doing laundry for his siblings. I feel like moving out and just forgetting about the marriage. I have failed to pray because the tension sometimes is too much. I don’t remember to pray. My in laws are also male chauvinists and continuously give derogatory comments towards women that get me really offended. I am not a happy woman. How do I find happiness?
(US) When you find out please let me know. I just feel as if I read my life before my eyes! Same thing is happening to me. Only I been married 3 months!!
(SOUTH AFRICA) I’ve read all the stories, I’m not different. I’ve been married for 3yrs. Before we got married we agreed with my husband that we were going to stay together. Just after the wedding his two siblings came over, nobody told me about them coming to live with us. That was year 1 and 2, then on year three another shock, the sister and her baby came to live with us, and still I was just surprised because he seemed to discuss everything with his mom and make final decision without including me.
The siblings are rude and disrespectful, with the attitude that everything in the house belongs to their brother regardless of the fact that I am working and contributing as well. They report everything that happens in the house to their mother, e.g. when the brother buys me gifts, they will tell their mother and even tell them the price tag. Whoever comes to visit me, they have to report to their mother. My husband takes their side and thinks I’m the one who is wrong. After work, he spends time with them, and I’m just a loner.
I’ve prayed about it, but I’m hurt and unhappy in this marriage. I’ve considered walking out because I’m just hurt and developing heart diseases because of this marriage,How do i live with people whom I cannot trust their intentions,they speak bad and false about me,at the moment im not speaking with my mom in law after all this drama that took place and the things she said about me,i am bitter and sad,i dont even want to go to her house,my husband does’nt say anything.please help.
(USA) I have been married for over 17 years to a wonderful man. He is truly my best friend. We have a Christian marriage, and keep the Lord center of our marriage. However, his family, especially his sister, disrespects me at no end. The mother sides with her about 95% of the time. I have bent over backwards trying to give them respect, (that seems undeserved), but because I try to do what the Lord would have me to do, instead of what my flesh would have me to do, I seem to keep pushing forward, with 3 steps back.
No matter the kind words I have said to them, the deeds which I do because I want to do them, (errands, purchases, gifts, daily cooking meals for M-I-L, taking her to doctor appts, keeping her yards clean & cut, her hair appts, shopping, misc trips, and more), it seems to have gotten me no where. I do these things with love, and I see the need there. There are only two children, my husband and my S-I-L, and she is only nice when it is benefiting her. I have prayed and prayed for these people (sometimes hard to even use the term – M-I-L or S-I-L, because they have not been like family, not like I think of as “family” should be.
With all the shuns, bad words spoken upon me and my husband, we have done the best we knew how in a bad situation. But to all of those in similar situations, I had to make a major decision and finally, and completely hand them over to Christ, because my pastor said it was a spirit of jealously on their part. I am a simple person, who loves people, I don’t want anybody to be jealous over anything about me. But because I see that their attitudes have not nudged, my husband and I had to evaluate this situation, and completely set them over to Christ to work His hand in this.
I hope that when Christ works in their hearts, they will finally see what love that my husband and I had in our hearts for them, but for now, until they have repentent hearts, we have separated our selves from them. I ask God today to bless them all, and take the scales from their eyes. I will stand before God one day and give an account, and so will they, and He will know my heart and what I have done, and what I had to do. I am sure everybody’s situation is different, so I hope for others, that if you have a good, Godly spouse, like I do, you want him/her to be loved and respected and not harmed. And in our situation, the harm had to be removed from our presence and marriage in order for it to remain loving, fruitful, healthy and vibrant.
(USA) Good for you it seems you and your husband got to a good place together. I pray I will become more like you, loving and understanding.
(USA) I have been married for over 30 years to my husband. I went to every family function on his side of the family for years. They have never connected with me and when I go to family functions I feel like a lawn ornament that everyone ignores. My husband has also viewed several of his siblings as friends also. There were many years where we went and did things together where I always was ignored.
I have told my husband that I am not married to his extended family and that they are not my friends. I will go to several of their functions per year but that is where I have to draw the line. He hates this and blames me for the fact that his exended family doesn’t like me. This hurts my feelings so bad. This labor day – we had planned to spend the weekend together. Three of his relatives called and I was to be made guilty again because I refused to go to a bonfire. Why can’t I get my husband to understand how this hurts me? I do not think our marriage is going to make it.
(USA) Sometimes the spouse is the problem. I have a brother who married a narcissistic control freak. EVERYTHING has to be her way, go through her, she has final say on everything. She quotes the Bible and does the exact opposite. She has been caught in so many lies, and denies it even when caught. My family is trying to remain on good terms with her for the sake of my brother’s sanity. The wife is not always the victim and I think people forget that there is always another side to a dispute.
(CANADA) I have gone through hell with my inlaws since I got married. First I lived with my mother inlaw for a year then she left and now my brother in law came to live with us for good. He’s always depended on my hubby since childhood so he doesn’t seem to want to move out. Yet he has two jobs and is 36 years old. My husband doesn’t see all this. He thinks I am bad.
(CANADA) I’m dealing with all my siblings in law. My husband has 4 siblings and three of them haved lived with us very shortly after we got married. In our 7 years of marriage, it has been only 6 months where we were really able to live by ourselves. Most of all, we have supported the school, fares, food, allowance, etc. I thought, we’re over it but then, my other sister in law who has a 2 month old baby will be moving with us next week. She doesn’t have anyone to go to so we agreed but whenever I’ll hear her baby cry so loudly, I change my mind.
I have two small boys and the reason we’re not having another one is that I can’t stand a baby crying all the time. She has a working visa here in Canada and I’m afraid that by the time she gets her husband, then they will live with us as well. Can you help me? I do not understand myself anymore… I know I need to help her but I’m already tired of helping all my husband’s relatives. By the way, to add to it, we also send money to his parents every once in a while and his cousins will ask him for money and he will not say no.
(KENYA-MEXICO) Thanks for the insight. It takes a lot of courage and grace from God to stay peacefully with extended families, especially when the devil deals with some in the way of being lazy, not having future plans and being dependents. Especially now with economic crisis. We should learn to raise our children differently, with a mind of responsibility and self reliance to reduce the dependency syndrome in Africa. It is killing us and we can’t put our monies to good use-shares, invest in business, housing etc. I believe God is happy when we get organized too.
Pray a lot. Be blessed.
(UNITED STATES) I have been married for one year, and its been a very trying year because of the fact that we live directly across the street from my HUSBAND’s brother. I truly feel that the Lord has a plan, but for the first five months of my marriage my husband’s family was over everyday. When I got off of work they were at OUR house, on weekends they came over. I have nothing against his family, but the lack of boundaries and the way in which my husband feels guilty for our blessings is what has caused so much resentment in my heart towards his family as a whole.
His brother has three young children, but rarely if ever spends time with them. Yet, he always has time to come over and be about our life. After many arguments about the frequency of his family being at our house, just last month, my husband and I had a conversation about the events that transpired over the past year. I was able to tell him that I was thinking about throwing in the towel on our marriage. The difference this time is that it was a conversation, that did not lead into an argument. I still struggle with the fact that his brother lives too close for comfort, but God has worked on both my husband and I. I continue to pray about the situation because we still cannot sell the house for another two years. But I continue to pray that my husband realizes the distruction his family has caused and continues to cause in our marriage. Sometimes those closest to you can be the most toxic.
I am fortunate that my parents have continued to help guide us and also show us what it means to have a happy and healthy marriage. I continue to pray for my husbands family as well, that they find happiness with their own lives so they don’t feel the need to always be in ours. The hard part is breaking this cycle of dependency that keeps them where they are in life. I have read the comments left by others struggling with sibling in-laws, and all i can say is to pray for the Lord’s guidance. Life truly is on his time, my husband was ready to listen with an open heart and I still believe that was Gods’ work.
(U.S.) Great post! I find the difficulties and enjoyment of meeting your family member’s boyfriends or girlfriends to be fascinating. It seems there’s always growing pains whether you like them or not, but it’s much more difficult when you don’t. I’d love to read more on this topic.
I recently read this blog that I thought added some insight into the issue and was enjoyable: http://burisonthecouch.wordpress.com/2010/06/25/family-member-dating/ I’d love to see more like it. Thanks!
(USA) I’m in a relationship that involves my husband, his ex and their child. My husbands sister doesn’t like me because I’m older than her brother and she feels that he should have been with his child’s mother. My sister in-law has been very vocal in her disliking me and does things to prove it. I don’t bother my husband’s sister and I don’t butt into her life or her affairs and I try to steer clear of her period. I don’t say anything about her or to her, I basically keep my feelings to myself concerning her. I tried to have a relationship with her and to be cordial but she feels the need to constantly bash me verbally and she never took the time to get to know me before she made such harsh judgements about me. She seems to at every turn determined to cause problems for my husband and I because she won’t keep her mouth closed and mind her own business.
Her lastest caper involves her throwing a birthday party for herself and her husband and she’s invited me and my husband’s ex to the party. While I know it’s her party and she can invite who she wants, I truly feel she did this to purposely cause problems for my husband and I and to once again hurt me. I think this is the most disrespectful thing she could have done to her brother and our relationship and I do NOT want to go to this party and see my husband ex girlfriend there.
The biggest issue with my sister in law is my husband’s need to defend her negative actions even though he’ll admit to me and knows that she is wrong. He defends her every single time. And she does the same thing with him–they defend to the end no matter if they are wrong. I’m to the point that if they feel like this about each other then maybe they should be married.
The party is coming in two weeks. The sister wants my husband to be there whether I come or not. She has made it clear there will be no “he’s not coming if you don’t come, he has to be there.” He’s shared with me that he thought that what his sister did by inviting his ex was wrong and spiteful and that he was undecided about whether he was going to the party because he didn’t want to see his ex. He wants to go because that’s his sister but he’s torn because he know that this will definitely and has already added more unnecessay drama and stress to our already issue filled relationship. He later said that out of respect to my feelings and our relationship, he would not go. I think he’s shared this with his sister yet and I’m sure once she knows, she will definitely have something negative to say concerning this.
I’m at the end of my rope and all the drama his sister, family and other outside influences create in our relationship. I know and realize that his family drama is not going to go away. There will always be something that will interrupt and cause havoc in my marriage due to his family. So what do I do to keep the peace and sanity in my life and to stop this from affecting my marriage?
(UNITED STATES) Dee, your post hits close to home because of my current situation with my husband’s brother. The negativity that surrounds my Brother in Law is a constant battle for me. But much like your husband who defends his sister to the end, my husband works the same way.
My biggest issue is the lack of respect for our marriage. I used to get upset about to the point that I would always fight with my husband, but then I realized two things; one I was allowing outside influences to ruin my happiness and that of my marriage and two that his brother does not know what it means to have a healthy marriage or a healthy relationship. I realized that my happiness comes first, and my husband needed to understand that although we still struggle at times, try to remember that prayer brings faith and peace to you. With that you can find comfort in knowing that at some point your husband will pick you the woman he decided to marry.
(USA) Thank you Ramona for your comments. Since I last wrote I have been very prayful about the party and my sister in law’s need to cause problems in my marriage. I prayed for peace and I still am praying. The party was yesterday and my husband didn’t go. He was torn between not making his sister mad and not hurting me. I feel now that he resents me because he didn’t go. I’m angry at his sister for even putting in him in this position in the first place. She never asked him if he would want his ex at her party–which he doesn’t want to deal with her more than he has to and that only involves him dealing with concerns with their son. He is still defending her and trying to make me believe that his sister really didn’t mean to hurt me by inviting his ex to her party. And I will NEVER believe that. She invited exactly who she wanted to be at the party.
The last two weeks there has been nothing but tension between us because of this party. We argued last weekend about his sister and the party and again this weekend and last night about the party and his sister’s intent when she invited his ex. He’s still talking about the party even today. I hear you Ramona on not allowing outside influences on ruining my marriage and my happiness and I have really tried to big the bigger person when dealing with my husband’s sister but she is not going to stop and this won’t be the first or the last thing she’ll do to undermine my relationship with her brother. And this is a cold reality.
Him not going to the party was a big step in him showing his sister that he will not allow her to disrespect me, him and our relationship but he’s now angry with me because he didn’t go so I really don’t know if he’ll ever get that. Yes that’s his sister but I’m the one he comes home to every night and his allegiance is to me and not someone that goes out of their way to attack me verbally and to cause problems in our marriage. I just don’t think he gets that because he doesn’t seem to be able to let go of NOT going to that party because that’s his family. His sister was dead wrong for inviting his ex and he admitted this to me but he will NOT put the blame squarely on his sister for putting him in this situation of having to choose.
Praying for continually peace and that sister in law minds her own business and stops meddling and leaves us alone.
(UNITED STATES) Dee, its been a while… how is everything working out? How are the holidays treating you and your marriage?
I believe strongly that faith the size of a mustard seed can move might mountains. I rely heavly on this notion, especially dealing with my husbands family. I have finally decided that this is the year I am going to rent out my house which is located directly across from his brothers home… which I like to mention that I believe sometimes those closest to a person can be the most toxic.
My husband loves and cares for his brother tremendously, but the truth is, this person’s take on life goes beyond what I am trying to accomplish in my marriage. The lack of rest respect I have come to understand, is the simple fact that if his brother does not respect his own relationship, how can he respect me and my marriage? Having this understanding helps me to navigate some of the disagreements my husband and I have. But for the most part, I have kept my distance.
I am 19 weeks pregnant now, and my husband wants his brother to be the god father to our child… what I don’t get is why? I can’t understand my husband’s logic because his brother has two boys with one woman and a daughter with the woman he is currently with. The eldest boy left at 12 to live with his mother who battles addiction. My husband’s brother said it was easier to let him go cause he causes too many problems at the house. His relationship with his daughter is almost non existant because her mother leaves early every weekend and returns in the evening.
So instead of fighting with my husband about it, I have decided to ask God to help my husband see the obvious truth. I want what is best for my child and it has nothing to do with his family. If his brother were someone I respect as a good father, I would have no problem saying ok, but that is certainly not the case.
At first I questioned why God moved us across the street, and now I feel as though many of my points are valid because I see them first hand. Now I pray God opens my husband heart and mind to realize that his brother, although not a bad person, is just not someone I would trust with my child… My aunt gave me some good advice. She said to have two sets of God parents… I just wish my husband would let go of this “my brother” business cause somethings are just so obvious.
(USA) I am in a real pickle and have been for almost 9 years of marriage. My husband is a 2 twice divorced parents. When we first married. MIL would call up to 20 times in an hour… if she couldn’t reach us she would call his cell, my cell, our home, repetitively until one of us would break down and answer.
When we moved to another city and were trying to sell my husbands condo, she moved in under the auspices of “cleaning” it for showings… but really she was sabbotaging the sale. When it finally DID sell, my husband and I made plans to move the extra things of his out. Guess who showed up around 10 the same morning and then threw a fit about everything we decided we didn’t need? If she would invite us to do something… we would say we needed to talk about it… and she would refuse to leave us alone so we could.
Through the years, I have carefully been setting boundaries… but as somebody before said in the comments… if the spouse doesn’t support these boundaries, it is really tough. Every holiday except 2, have been spent with my husband’s family… but they didn’t spend holidays together when they were kids. His mom often worked every year. The excuse for not spending holidays with my family is that they live too far away.
My mom is now dealing with her 3rd bout of cancer in 3 years. They are not giving her very good odds! I have put my foot down and said… if we aren’t spending time this year with my family, I will not spend time with your family! So we are forging ahead to spending the holidays just as our little family of 6.
4 years ago, his mother started to encourage this former friend of my husband’s to try to intervene in our marriage. Why? It’s because my mother in law could control her! Last Christmas I was 8 mos. pregnant and this woman started interfering and making inappropriate assumptions and scenarios to include herself in our marriage. My husband claimed it was all innocent until it was too late, then he admitted she had a problem. But, he refused to admit that it all spurned from his mom.
His mom never ceases to be mean and cruel to me. After we had our last child, she came to the hospital and after my husband and our other children left the room she raged at me…. then when I bring up these scenarios to him he always calls me a liar.
We have a fine marriage as long as we stay away from his family… but his family ALWAYS causes trouble. I have done my best to deal with this horrible situation. I am at a loss. His mom doesn’t hesitate to bad mouth me to others in my presence… they in turn then act hatefully towards me based upon MIL’s word.
NOW… Christmas 2010… Sister in law bought a super nice gift… to the tune of thousands of dollars… and “stock” for each family member except me. The SIL claims it is a “gift for the entire family”… but the only person whose name is missing is mine! Keep in mind this is the ONLY member of his family who reciprocates any form of Christmas exchange… when every year we gift lovely, thoughtful gifts for all of them.
How should I feel? Even with as awful as my parents have been treated, they always do special gifts and try to find some of my husbands wants. He knows this is wrong of his sister, but he is now saying he will refuse all my parents gifts. I have come back to the conclusion that since it is “my gift” as well as everybody whose name is on the stocks… that we will then have to refuse this gift as well! I am completely at a loss as to how to deal with this HORRIBLE family scenario. I never thought I would be here… how does one deal with this kind of thing in a Godly way? I really don’t know!
My parents would NEVER think of getting a Christmas gift for only part of my family! Who does that? All the while… I am baking cookies to send with his family’s gifts! Totally open to any suggestions. I am so at a loss. I have implimented boundaries… hubby has begun to focus on marriage oneness, but obviously there is still an unhealthy attachment there!
(U.S.) Wow, your closing sentence “unhealthy attachments,” struck a cord with me. It’s amazing to me that you have been giving enough over the years to still show up to your husband’s family Christmas, even after such horrible treatment. I have only been married for a year and a half and at times I have felt like the “unhealthy attachment” was too much to bear. My question to you is, how have you planted the seed of boundaries?
It seems to me that you are a woman with great faith, because otherwise I would not understand someone dealing with such foul behavior from the in-laws. I’m sorry I could not provide more of a solution. But I must say that I hope you enjoy your Christmas with YOUR SIDE this year.
As for rejecting the gift from your SNL, I believe that things should be done equal. If your husband is rejecting gifts from your family, then it’s only right you do not accept from his family. But at some point it’s all going to have to stop… How? That is something prayer can change. Ask God to help your husband open his vision to see what you see.
(ZIMBABWE) I have been married for 9 years now. For the greater part of my marriage we have been a happy couple. We had to stay with my husband’s young brother and pay for his tuition at a college. Before long my husband’s young sister came and enrolled at a college and of course we had to live with her too. 3 months ago the eldest sister was transferred from her branch to our city and of course she had to live with us as we have a big home.
Before I feed my own children I have 3 adults to feed and then a maid who is a live in maid. My aunt earns exactly what I earn and she has continued to rent a flat which she goes to when it’s convenient for her. They do not contribute a single cent toward food. The young brother is now working and my little Aunt is repeating a few subjects she had failed last year.
I am overwhelmed by all this, they barely do much around the home and my husband is the too quiet type of man. He is one man who can never stand up for you when something bad is being said of me. Initially I did not mind but I am seeing my family falling apart. There are continuous arguments, and they never tell us if they are sleeping at home or not resulting in leftovers which I consider a waste at times.
I am also very bitter toward my husband for allowing this to happen. Worst of all, when we go to his home we make sure we buy every little thing needed and yet in all my married life I have never bought anything for my mom because she lives in town. I am sad because I have been spending my energy on doing things for PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT EVEN GRATEFUL. I HAVE BEEN CALLED HORRIBLE NAMES BY MY INLAWS. When I want to visit them their children simply fill up the car and I, at times, resolve to remain home because there is no space in the car. If anything, I have tried to be quiet, pray and all but I feel I am drowning in my own home. I am so sad.
(U.S. – KENYA) So here’s the situation. I am the husband in this case and can definitely see where this can lead to conflict and/or strains in a marriage. I love my mom and have always done anything for her (helping siblings with fees, start-up money for “businesses”, etc). But now I’m married and my siblings are all now grown-up and moved out. However being the eldest I still feel the pressure of “helping” my mom though I feel that it is now time to concentrate on my own young family. My wife has been supportive in all this but I can always tell it is causing some tension and the demands never seem to end (if it is not one thing it is another).