Dealing With The Unlovable Husband

Photo by David Castillow Dominici,
Photo by David Castillow Dominici,

It is easy to live in harmony when your husband is treating you well, and things are going smoothly in your life together. But what life isn’t going very well between you. What if he’s not acting towards you in ways that you believe he should? How do you treat your husband when he is unloving and moody, and more?

Here’s what Jesus says regarding difficult relationships:

“Love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayers for that person… If someone takes unfair advantage of you, use the occasion to practice the servant life. No more tit-for-tat stuff. Live generously.

“Here is a simple rule of thumb for your behavior. Ask yourself what you want people to do for you; then grab the initiative and do it for them! If you only love the lovable, do you expect a pat on the back? …I tell you, love your enemies. Help and give without expecting a return. You’ll never —I promise —regret it. Live out this God-created identity the way our Father lives toward us, generously and graciously, even when we’re at our worst. Our Father is kind; you be kind.

“Don’t pick on people, jump on their failures, and criticize their faults —unless, of course, you want the same treatment. Don’t condemn those who are down; that hardness can boomerang. Be easy on people; you’ll find life a lot easier. Give away your life; you’ll find life given back, but not merely given back —given back with bonus and blessing. Giving, not getting, is the way. Generosity begets generosity.” (Luke 6:27-38, The Message)

One way you can tell that you are walking in the Spirit in your marriage is to ask: Is my husband’s response my goal, or am I doing this to please the Lord?

God will enable you to be compassionate to someone who doesn’t deserve it, just as He was and is to you.

Ask yourself, “Why is my husband moody and sharp with me?” Often the answer is that you are simply catching the overflow of what happened to him at work, with his parents, or with some other problem. Is this fair? No, but life isn’t always fair. Consider other possibilities as well: Is he stressed about something in particular? Is he fatigued due to extra house he’s putting in at work? Is he going through a difficult time with someone? Ask God to give you understanding and patience during these times and continue to treat your husband lovingly, regardless of how he may be treating you.

Don’t be so sensitive that you let your feelings and emotions be set by another’s treatment of you. Jesus didn’t do that. He continued to live His life with honor, dignity, love, and mercy through the most difficult times. Don’t be judgmental or unfriendly. Don’t allow yourself to be too easily wounded, crushed, or hurt. Guard against bitterness and being quick to forgive. Ask Jesus to help develop these attitudes in you when you face challenging times.

Be a Blessing
Your job is to bless (1 Peter 3:9, The Message). Put another way, it reads like this:

Never return evil for evil or insult for insult —scolding, tongue-lashing, berating; but on the contrary blessing—praying for their welfare, happiness, and protection, and truly pitying and loving them. For know that to this you have been called, that you may yourselves inherit a blessing [from God] —obtain a blessing as heirs, bringing welfare and happiness and protection. (1 Peter 3:9, AMP)

Holy, beautiful women never return harsh words, but instead give a blessing back! One way to do this is through prayer. Do you see that the blessed outcome of our unselfish prayer for our husbands’ welfare, happiness, and protection is that we inherit these things as well?

Have you and your husband ever been in the following cycle? He raises his voice; you raise yours. He becomes louder; you retaliate.

This is an endless cycle, but the dynamics of it can be broken quickly if you no longer react. You can choose to act instead in a manner the Bible says is right. Your consistent, sweet, silent response to poor behavior may be the very thing God uses to change your husband. Don’t give in to the urge to let your silence be cold and stony.

When Jesus was oppressed and afflicted, He did not open His mouth (Isaiah 53:7; Matthew 26:63; Matthew 27:12-14, NASB). Mark says that Pilate was amazed at how Jesus stayed silent in the midst of the accusations that were swirling around Him. Only when He was placed under oath and asked whether He was the King of the Jews did He humbly reply, “Yes, it is as you say(Mark 15:2).

If your husband is short-tempered and impatient, try remaining silent in love. Stop participating in the vicious cycle of “he gets angry; I get angry.” Choose not to react during heated times. Wait until your husband has cooled down or is more rested before discussing things.

Suppose you had two dogs. Let’s say one was red and the other blue. What would happen if you fed only the red dog and not the blue one? The red dog would become bigger and stronger while the blue one became weaker. Over time, Red would thrive, while Blue shriveled away.

Every time you act in a loving way toward your husband, it’s as if you’re feeding the red dog and refusing to feed the blue one. The basic principle is simple: Feed Red, and starve Blue! Each time you do this, it becomes more and more a part of your natural response. What you’re doing is training your mind to think in a new way, and each successive attempt becomes easier.

Begin now to pray that you will have the strength to do this, and begin praying scripturally and fervently for your husband.

How to Pray Scripturally
An example is given in Colossians of a powerful way to pray. You might consider praying for your husband in such a way. Pray that he will:

  • be filled with the knowledge of God’s will,
  • have spiritual wisdom and understanding,
  • walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, living a life full of integrity,
  • please the Lord in all respects and do those things that bring glory to God,
  • bear fruit in every good work,
  • increase in the knowledge of God,
  • be strengthened with all power according to the Lord’s glorious might,
  • attain steadfastness and patience,
  • joyously give thanks to the Father, who has qualified us to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light. (Colossians 1:9-12)

The above article comes from the book, The Politically Incorrect Wife: God’s Plan written by Nancy Cobb and Connie Grigsby, published by Multnomah. You’ll find that the authors confidently write as “voices of experience.” They say, “Between the two of us, we bought into the modern-day thinking regarding marriage, for nearly 40 years! During that long time, we flowed right along with emerging cultural values and became entrenched in the idea that our husbands had to earn their way to our hearts.” They explain that they came to realize this way of measuring and giving out love was “faulty for a number of reasons.” You’ll want to read this book to find out what they learned.

Used by permission of Multnomah Publishers, Inc. Excerpt may not be reproduced without the prior written consent of Multnomah Publishers, Inc.


You may find the following radio series broadcasts titled “How to Live with the Fools in Your Life” to be helpful on this same subject. Please click onto the Revive Our Hearts link provided below to read the transcripts. And from there, you can continue to read or listen to more of the Abigail Series by scrolling down to the links provided for, “Are You Approachable?” (Aug. 19, 2013) – “Diffusing the Situation” (Aug. 20, 2013) – “A Soft Answer” (Aug. 21, 2013) – and “A Happy Ending” (Aug. 21, 2013) – and “Death Brings Life” (Aug. 23, 2013). But first read:


If you have any additional tips you can share to help others in this area of marriage, or you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.


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116 responses to “Dealing With The Unlovable Husband

  1. Be strong in the Lord and of good courage and GOD will strengthen thine heart. May the Holy Ghost lead you in your individual situation. Every spouse is in a different stage spiritually speaking. Only repentence and turning away from sin will Spouses allow God to work within them for change. But never the less we ought to continue to fast, pray and believe. As soon as we feel any form of bitterness and unforgiveness, we need to repent ourselves and pray it out, renouncing all anger recentment. Regardless of how unsensitive our spouses are we ought to seek to continue to please GOD.

    If we have to separate for as long as we have to, for our sanity and salvation, then may it be with GOD’s guidance. Yet as the scripture says, Let not the wife depart from her husband, but if she does depart let her remain unmarried. Jesus said, except for fornication we cannot divorce. That word fornication is between unmarried people. The scripture clearly teaches that anyone who marries a divorcee in committing adultery with someone elses spouse, even if they are now in a new marriage. In other words, we have a one flesh covenant before GOD in the marriage vows of the husband or wife of our youth.

    As a wife that has suffered much abuse, GOD has taught me we have permission to separate out of an abusive relationship, but not free to remarry or commit adultery. The Bible teaches us, if we separate from our spouse we ought to remain unmarried, or be reconciled to our spouse. Yes, ladies that means, no flirting, lusting, or having any kind of unclean dealings with opposite sex. Jesus said, if we look upon another to lust we have commited adultery already in our hearts.

    GOD has corrected my theology on marriage, divorce and remarriage adultery. Because we have lived in abusive marriages Satan takes advantage of our lack of biblical teaching and understanding of sound Doctrine to justify sin in remarriage and adultery. Please stay true to your 1 flesh covenant vows, of your husband of your youth so as long as He is alive. If you become a widow for any unfortunate reason, Lord forbid, you are free from your marriage. Till then we may separate if need be, but live Holy. Wide is the road that leads to destruction, narrow is the road that leads to life. Jesus is the way, truth and life. Lets not take His grace as a form of liberality. Holy Ghost will help you. I only write this because as a women who has suffered abuse for many years I first hand know the devastation of our marriage and the need to separate at times. GOD bless you, sisters.

    1. Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful message. My husband and I have been going through it and this is definitely what I needed to hear. Please pray for my strength as I endure his moods and mistreatment and focus on pleasing the Lord rather than pleasing him. I pray for peace in my household. I am so grateful for Lupe & the writers of this site for the messages and issues addressed. Now the abuse, on the other hand, is something that I cannot and will no longer tolerate.

    2. I am a older woman now; my heart goes out to you.I’ve been married almost four years to a bipolar incredibly ignorant man. I have grown kids with my first marriage. He hates my children as much as he hates me. Two of my sons had to move in because they have had drug problems. They’re trying to get help but all he does is put them down and uses them to help with jobs away from house but as soon as he’s done they are drug addicts again. He’s nice when they’re helping but totally different when done. He pays rent and electric but I pay for groceries and all household supplies.

      He was difficult before they moved in – absolutely horrible but now he’s a total monster. I’m doing all I can to help out but all he does is scream at me! I don’t trust him and want a divorce; I’ve left him before, more than once but have no where to go. Now that Christmas has passed and my one son gave me a new pajama set; I wore one time washed it dried it and he destroyed them by making a big hole in the back of pajamas pants. Everything I own has become destroyed and all my Nick nacks has chips in them. He knows that bothers me. I had a car that had the motor blow. I think he had something to do with it. He doesn’t want me to have anything in life; It’s real sad. My one son that doesn’t live with me just gave me his old truck for Christmas. It made me happy but sad at same time because he could of sold that (he needs money). My work is in summer only now. I work one night a week so can’t financially leave him and he knows that God helps me and God help you leave him while you can and the state can help you; but my kids are grown and I’m older!

      1. Sometimes we even have to PRAY FOR THE DESIRE TO PRAY FOR THE NASTY PERSON. Many times, I’ve been amazed at how my heart has really been changed by doing this.

        But tonight I saw someone else, who I love very much, being kind in response to unreasonable nastiness. I felt filled with sadness to see the kind person respect the nasty person who was disrespecting him. Because the kind person deserves appreciation too. Like yes ~ Love your enemies, but does that mean to let your enemies harm your children?

        Lovely platitudes are not so easy to put into effect when we’re in bad situations. None of us can go through what Jesus went through. None of us can go through what Mother Mary went through. But we’re not being asked to handle such big offenses as Jesus and Mother Mary did. I heard it said that THE LORD WON’T GIVE US MORE THAN WE CAN HANDLE.

        So for the moment, I’m going to try to ‘Let it be’. MY HEART IS FEELING PEAECFUL. Perhaps you and I are both being blessed with strong opportunities to Grow Spiritually. That’s better than having a picture-perfect-marriage.

    3. Thank you for this message, so sad that we fall in love with a man who ultimately hurts us. Even though I cannot marry I will make it a goal to make sure my daughter doesn’t make the same mistake and rather waits patiently for God to send her a love that is kind, warm, does not boast, does not hold accounts and forgives with all their heart. It makes me terribly sad that I will never be held again but I will leave it to the Lord to take care of me. Amen.

      1. Monica, who says you cannot marry if you are divorced? When the Bible says you should not divorce except for adultery. Do you think that scripture encompasses every marital issue of unfaithfulness? Are we saying that if a spouse is abusing us we should still live with that person to the endangerment of our lives? Should we live with someone who emotionally batters us?

        God is not someone we put in a box. He is real and he understands when we are hurting beyond recovery. Not every marriage will be repaired even by prayer if one person persists in making life hell for the other. Some marriages will lead us to hell if we allow it. Only God can guide us as to how far is too far, but we should be wise to his leading and not cover wrongs under the guise of spirituality.

        Are we saying if we end up in a divorce we should “burn” and not marry? God is a God of second chances, not a tyrant. Let’s say it was a sin to remarry after divorce, is that an unforgivable sin that God classifies as blasphemy? No. I am by no means telling anyone to just quit their marriage. However I am saying we need wisdom to discern when it is time to leave. Be wise and be prayerful!

  2. Hello everyone I stumbled on this site while trying to find information about how to love an unlovable husband. As I write this I’m in tears when I see the pain my fellow sisters go through and like me still looking for possibly loving way out. I got married four years ago to a very rich man by our standards. I have been very miserable ever since I got married. It’s almost like we’ve experienced all problematic marital issues.

    Right from the beginning the scales were not balanced but I was very optimistic because I believed in our love. He happens to be much older than I am, the kids and I are totally dependent on him for everything and he wants it to remain that way. He treats me like a servant in the house. He is very abusive and can insult me in the presence of anyone including the kids, and if I as much as try to reply him or abuse him back he will make sure I don’t get feeding money until I go down on my knees and beg him.

    He is a worker in the church but only goes when he likes and never goes to church until the service is halfway. They don’t mind in the church because he is one of their big spenders. He readily does things for people who he believes are influential but he is very mean and cruel to people he thinks are beneath him, including myself and the three children. Yes, I said three kids. I’ve been married now for four years and I’ve had four pregnancies, one of my kids died at birth.

    I’ve become an emotional wreck and it has affected my health seriously, I’m only 26 and the doctors say I have high blood pressure, gall stones, ulcers and that it is being aggravated by my stress. This man is killing me slowly. I thank God he has stopped beating me. For over a year now he hasn’t beaten me up. He still insults me and makes fun of me in public. I’m always the butt of his jokes. I’m so worried because I don’t know what to do for the sake of my kids.

    I’m fully aware that he is having sexual relationships with other women. I’ve seen chat messages between him and other women and when I cried unto him, he said I should not worry that they are only sleeping with him for his money and not for love. I have no one in his family to talk to. They all resent me because they feel I’m using up money they were previously enjoying before I came on board. I pray every time to God and believe that he is a miracle working God. But I always wonder if truly this is my portion. I’m not one hundred percent perfect. I’ve done some some things in the past, which I have asked God for forgiveness, maybe I haven’t been forgiven yet.

    As I’m speaking to you I haven’t seen my husband since the beginning of this month and he has only called me four times without caller ID. So I can’t reach him, his local lines are not going through so I think he is out of the country. I’m ready to do whatever I can do so far as it’s in line with Christianity to make him love me. I don’t even enjoy having sex with him because I’m always afraid of infection and he always uses foul language to degrade me while it is going on. I’m so afraid. I don’t know what to do. I cannot tell you all that this man does and he doesn’t see anything wrong because he is my lord and master. He makes me beg and grovel for every single thing I want, I end up going to beg my parents for money.

    Please help me, please. Please pray for me. I beg GOD ALMIGHTY to look down on me and help me. He even had the police lock me up in the police station cell as punishment when I went to a hotel near our house to confront them with a bill I saw from them for my husband to pay a huge sum of money for the nights he spent there. My husband denied me as his wife and asked them to call the police and denied me to the police. After spending the night in the cell he sent his brother to bail me out. I want to commit to suicide, but I think about my kids. Who will remember them? He doesn’t know anything about them, not even their birthdays. I’m sorry for writing this long. Please somebody help me. Please. I still love him dearly, I love him and I want my husband that I knew that also me loved back. I love him and I always wish him well. Please help me.

    1. Anita, I am so so sad that you’ve had to go through such a cruel situation. I just kept shaking my head as I read your story. God certainly never intended for any spouse to endure this kind of treatment. I sense through your words that your self esteem is really low and for that I offer you encouragement. The truth of the matter is, you really don’t need others to help you change your marriage. Honestly, what more can you do besides pray and treat him kindly with words? Your husband has abandoned you and your children in every sense of the word. He has broken the marital bond and the family unit. You acknowledge that your husband is killing you slowly and yet you allow him to continue risking your life with infections. You and your children deserve better. It’s time that you start valuing your health and your wellbeing. You are not as helpless and hopeless as you think you are. The answers that you seek are on the bottom of your two feet. Take your children and walk away.

    2. Anita, my heart aches for you. I can’t say that I’ve suffered as bad as the painful things you are going through but I do know how it feels to be the target of a husband’s abuse and the helplessness of having nowhere to turn for help. As a woman, wife, and mother I can say it is the worst thing to ever go through. I just pray to our Lord wholeheartedly that he wraps his loving arms around you and your children and lifts you from this painful place. I will continue to pray for you and ask for God to send an army of angels to come through and save you from this awful situation. God BLESS you Anita! In Jesus name, I pray, AMEN

      1. I stumbled on this website in search of words of prayer to help me through my own pains because I feel lonely, abused and abandoned. But going through Anita’s story has brought tears to my Eyes and I suddenly realize my situation is nothing. I got married in 2012 to a man I knew little or nothing about. However, from the time of marriage, I made up my mind to be indeed betrothed to him.

        I have been a faithful wife but what I have received since I walked into this marriage has been unfaithfulness, and an adulterous and domineering husband. I am Nigerian but my husband is black American. My husband has been cheating on me and taking all our issues to a girl he met at the hotel when he came over to marry me. The point was not that I caught him cheating but that he told her that I am barren even after forcing me against my will to use birth control. I do not have a child of my own, he has two children and yet I had to get an IUD placed inside of me.

        He never does anything for me without threatening me or reminding me he is doing me a favor because my immigration status is dependent on him. He once went out to pay for sex, patronized a sex hawker he met online. Some days I wake up with tears in my eyes and too weak to go to God in prayers. Today was not left out. I am becoming miserable. The only thing keeping me is the question “does God support divorce”?

        Anita take heart. I know how our Nigerian men behave. My mother lived thru years of an abusive relationship and is still surviving that marriage. It’s sad what women go through. I pray that our prayers be answered of God very urgently. Amen

        1. Hi ladies, am so happy I came to this site because I’ve been so confused> I’ve been with my husband for 4 years now. My first son is 3 years now and has been suffering from one thing or the other. From cheating, he neglects me, made me to be funny dependent on him, won’t let me work or do anything. Now

          I’m pregnant with my second baby and he won’t even come around me or ask how I am. He feels he taking care of our needs and that’s all I need. We don’t communicate or even smile to me only his son. I’m so lonely. He only has sex with me when he wants it; that’s before I got pregnant. Since I got pregnant he doesn’t even come to the room to sleep so my body won’t even touch him by mistake. I’m 27 and am just so worried and confused and very lonely.

          I only pray to God to help me touch his heart and change his attitudes towards me because all I see is so much hate in him and I don’t knw why. I always try to show him love but he keeps pushing me away. May God help us.

    3. Hello Anita, Be strong. Wait on the LORD Jesus and He will answer your prayer. The Bible clearly tells us that you reap what what you sow. It also tells us not to fret when the wicked get their way… Forgive your husband for all he has done to you and all he still continues to do. Pray that Jesus gives you true forgiveness in your heart and then leave him to God. Be patient God will help you.

    4. I am in tears reading your post. I am soooo sorry you are going through this. Life is unfair at times. Why would God permit that another human being suffer at someone else’s hands just because they are stronger and richer than you. May Our Lord give you strength, courage and patience. Don’t die. Your children will be just suffering more.

      May He change the heart of your husband so he remembers the love he once felt for you. God help us. Amen.

    5. Hi Anitha, My tears roll down my cheeks, like anything for you. I thought I was the only one who has a bad and uncaring husband, but your case is too horrible. If you can, search for a job and get involved in a good job, at least to forget your sorrows. I will surely pray for you. Put, your kids in your mother’s place and search for a job or try your own business like clothes business, etc. Pray for your husband. May Lord God Almighty bless you.

    6. Anita, It is very heartbreaking reading your story. Please know that this doesn’t have to be the end of your story, your book isn’t finished yet… God can and does work miracles everyday. Keep your eyes on Jesus. Grab ahold of His hand and never let go. May He strengthen and comfort you and your children and heal all of your wounds. May He carry you through this and bring you to a wonderful life, that others may see His love through you. Know that He holds your every tear. May He bring people into your life to help you through and open new doors for you and your family. Don’t give up hope and keep praying. You are in my prayers. God Bless you!

    7. I will pray for you and your children. I know how you feel. My hubby treats me bad too! It hurts so bad that I want to die sometimes. I’m even pregnant and he doesn’t care and he’s mean to my 3 children and if he doesn’t get his way, he punches holes in our wall. He blames me for everything, when I first met him, he was so loving and kindhearted and sweet too. He would always cuddle with me and say I love you! I miss my old Wally, that’s why I fell in love with him because he was nice and kindhearted and truly loving and promised he would never treat me bad. I believed him! Now he hates me and my kids and I’m pregnant. I pray for him! Please, LORD, help me, help us all LORD!

  3. I shed tears as I read your story. Life is such a cruel place to live if you are with the wrong person. I don’t know what to say other than to tell you to please hold on for your children’s sake. If you can get support elsewhere go and get it and keep STRONG (life does not get any easier; you learn to get TOUGHER) and pray God changes your husband’s heart.

    1. Yes its true. Life is always unfair. But according to the Bible there’s a time for everything. No one can add on or can take away from this, only God knows.

  4. Hi, I have been married for more than 20yrs to my husband. Two years ago he had an affair with his 2nd cousin and they had a child. I did not know until after the child was one year old. I insisted on a DNA test which proved negative. So he is not the father.

    Since then I have not had peace in my home; he banned me from his room, deprived me of sex and affection. He is cold and says I will suffer because I made many people aware of the DNA test result and that I insulted him. He has no respect for me nor our wedding vows. He is very arrogant.

    Even though we are Christians he practices African traditional religions. He says I am slowing his progress because I refused to do some fetish things he asked me to do. He says ‘I don’t hate you and won’t divorce you but I have no passion in me for you anymore but that there’s nothing that God cannot do.’

    He has been sufferring from erectile dysfunction because of I believe age and high blood pressure but he says I caused it. My children are still in the university and I’d really like to keep my marriage but the emotional abuse is too much; please pray for me. Some of my kids say I should leave.

  5. Hi Anita, I feel sorry to hear all that. I was crying after reading your story. I wanted to tell you to trust in our almighty God and I am sure that he will never, ever leave you empty. He will replace whatever you lost… Always think about your children. They are really a gift of God. Spend your time with your children. Take care of your health as well. As you know health is wealth. Eat properly. Take rest for some time. Don’t worry about anything. Everything will be all right. God is seeing everything. One day your husband will regret what he did to you and his kids. You will be in my prayers for sure… God bless you.

  6. Anita, you can die from HIV or others then what will happn to your kids? Leave him but write him a letter telling him how hard you have tried and will keep praying for him. I say this because he needs your prayers and does not know this because of the devil’s influence. Keep copies of letter with trusted people for you never know what can happn and one day your kids may ask questions.

    Discreetly ask a lawyer’ advice on your losses or benefits in your situation and save up some money and have a little bank investment. Pray unceasingly as you go thru these procedures so God will empower you and at same time change him. Remember that he may change one day and come begging and by that time God would have uplifted you wonderfully with inner and outside beauty, confidence and your own wealth – not his because he can lose wealth if he does not change.

    If God brought you into his life it may be for a purpose to be his wife or not a wife – just his savior by prayer. As Christians we choose partners God has not chosen for us and stay. Just think about all these things and save you and your kids lives till ur husband finds Christ.

  7. This was very helpful, thank you, pertaining to Colossians. Thank you so much. I needed that.

  8. I find it very difficult to remember the passages and lessons here, when it is a constant struggle to understand and take in all the emotional pain my husband imparts on me. I have to read it again and again just to heal myself…

    At first, it made me hopeful that I could be God’s instrument to change my husband, but it just makes me suppress my anger, and eventually, it affects my health. I am now experiencing bouts of high blood pressure. I think I’m having passive anger since all the hurt I receive, even though I know I don’t deserve it. I do not retaliate nor complain it to my husband, but of course, still feel so hurt! It made me feel like suffering silently, and although I know only God can change my husband. I hope my husband does change before I die.

    1. Acel, I totally understand where you’re coming from. This is exactly how I feel. How much pain and suffering do you endure before you explode? I pray for God to strengthen both of us, sounds like we are going through the same or similar situations. I sometimes think that maybe my husband and I just aren’t meant to be together but then I realize it’s not me, it’s him. He has this mindreading expectation of me. If I don’t meet them then he gets in a mood and treats me mean and acts very distant.

      I’ve never been good at dealing with moody people and plus I can’t relate because I am the type that says what’s on my mind but when I do with him, he gets even more angry and distant. Unlike you, it’s hard for me to not retaliate when I keep it bottled up too long. People have advised me to “just ignore him” or “don’t pay him any attention” but that even seems to result negatively. I can’t continue to live my life like this, it’s so much pressure and tension and I just want to enjoy my life without the judgement or negativity. Life is too short. We just have to pray this thing through and ask the Lord to continue to direct our paths. God bless you all.

  9. I really enjoyed reading this information. It helps me when I have been down during my emotional period, especially when my husband is so cold (unaffectionate) to me. Please continually post more information that helps people who needs this kind of support through Holly Spirit –our lovely God.

    1. My husband cheated on me right before we got married, I found out about it two days after we got married, I was destroyed, devastated, asked myself if this marriage actually means anything to him.

      We worked through that and he was very apologetic, I believed him and forgave him.

      I recently found out that he has been having another affair with a different woman, but this time around it is different, it seems as if he is not the man I married, the man who would do anything for me. Right before I caught him he had said that he wanted a divorce because he doesn’t love me as he used to.

      He had his affair while I was pregnant with our first child. Now you can imagine the stress I was going through as he was emotionally unavailable and hardly ever touched me during my pregnancy. He actually has made me decide never to have another child with him.

      He then said that he wants to work through our marriage, but on his terms; he says I’m controlling, always wanting to do what I want. I’m not sure how wanting to progress in life is controlling. We recently bought a house, I put down the deposit for it and he is paying the bond. He constantly says that it’s not his house as he didn’t purchase the house himself. He says he’s basically paying rent to stay in this house.

      He says he didn’t want the child we have now; I forced him to have the child. I made him aware that I was off the pill and he was so keen on getting me pregnant that every month when the pregnancy test came out negative he would say that he will show me that he is not shooting blanks.

      He has still been talking to this woman that he has been having an affair with and he says they’re just talking; there’s nothing going on. He has changed completely, he doesn’t text me as he used to, doesn’t call me as he used to; the only time he’s affectionate with me is when he wants sexual intercourse.

      He had even stopped wearing his wedding ring. I told him if he wants to make this marriage work he needs to wear his wedding ring, which he did but made an excuse that it’s too tight (mind you, before he said it was too big and got it resized). Tonight he came home without his wedding band. I have been going through this site, I have decided not to ask him anything and just keep praying.

      Everything he does is so hurtful. I don’t think I love him anymore but am in this marriage because I believe God will make things better.

  10. I don’t think my husband loves me. I’m not willing to get a divorce right now and need ideas on how to stay positive and live a fullfilling life.

    1. Be the Proverbs 31 woman. If you keep yourself busy and let God use you in his ministry you will realize that life can be fulfilling. Saturate him with love even if he doesn’t reciprocate.

  11. What a valuable message. My husband is really a passionate man as far as his interests, but gets very moody when he’s under stress. This can be very frustrating, but I notice whenever the Lord has me do something nice for him he apologizes.

  12. I believe in God and my husband is supposedly an atheist. His family are all Christians without shame. He knows it hurts me when he mocks God when he is having a bad day. I don’t react. Lately, he is calling his medical people, doctor, specialist, etc. my Gods. Then when I ask something he says, yes, God, to me. I have told him many times, stop calling me God or any other name I don’t deserve. His health is not 100% and I’m trying so hard to not reply in kind. What can I do other than pray for him and his weakened soul? I’m writing this not for him but for myself, how do I lift my spirits up again when my husband brings me and this household down, down, down?

    We’ve been wed 34 years and have no children, only pets, by the way. In private, he yells in agony and the pets shake and tremble, next to me. I always say, if not for the pets, I would leave, to myself. Dr. Phil says, “you know what’s worse than living in hell for (example) 34 years…living in hell for 34 years and 01 more day”. Dr. Phil also tells wives & mothers that stay with a dominant yelling male, “then you sold yourself for the money, I tell you the children would rather live in a box then in that house with him”. If I wanted to leave, the pets is just an excuse, I believe. I would like some advice as how to go on with my life, my husband seems to have made his tantrums his life, why should I be his scapegoat, I want to know.

  13. Hi I’m Andrea from Canada. And I’m going through the same thing! When we first met Wally was sooo loving and sweet and kind hearted to me! Now he’s different; he’s always grumpy and bitter to me! He use to hold me and say I love u million times a day and we’d make true passionate love! It was soooo nice then but now he’s mean and grumpy! I pray for him but nothing works!!! I believe in God our Father and his son Jesus! I want my old Wally back! I pray and pray! I do everything for him too. I wait on him hand and foot and when we argues he blames me! I treat him good always! I really do love him with all my heart! My heart is broken!!! What do I do?

  14. My husband is cheating on me also. He has never shown me love but when he is out he is a different person altogether. He doesn’t appreciate me. This really hurts. He always finds fault in everything I do. But he doesn’t deprive me of sex and he gives feeding month. He has never stop giving money. I just want him to love me and appreciate me. He also discussed me with his girlfriend. Please I need advice.

  15. My husband is always very mean and cruel towards me. He holds so much hostility in his heart towards me and he blames me for everything that goes wrong in our lives. He calls me a demon, just to be mean to me, because he knows that it will upset me. He knows that I love Our Heavenly Father so he says everything that he can just to hurt me.

    I ask for you to help me pray for my husband, pray for the hatefulness and resentment that he holds for me. I don’t believe in divorce so that is the last thing that I want. But I don’t want to live a life full of hate and misery. Please help me pray for his heart, his soul and his spirit. Pray that he will become a God loving man and learn how to treat people with love and respect.

  16. My husband has been doing this to me. I have seen a Priest, went to marriage therapy ect. It helped a little. It started to get worse. He would yell at me in front of his mother and his uncle who is the Deacon of his church. No one did or said anything to help me. I’m told “why don’t you leave him?” Why? What does it solve? This whole issue now is a habit to him. It happens sporadically to me. It can’t get any better and it can’t get any worse.

    What will be the reason if he asks for a divorce? Irreconcilable differences? I know it isn’t my fault. To him I’m an “emotional pin cushion” I now recognize the amount of times I’ve been a victim to his tongue lashings. I’ll live it out. I pray for him that some sort of feeling can be brought to his heart to stop this. I pray for him. He needs the praying for. I have no reason to leave. When he meets His Maker, and he asks “Why were you verbally and emotionally abusive to your wife?” I’ll let God decide his fate. I’m going to stand strong!

  17. My husband loses his temper cussing at me with the F word when I’m helping him on the farm be it, chasing cows, pulling a stalled tractor on ice etc, etc, etc. He acts like he is disgusted with me a lot of times yet treats everyone else with dignity and respect. We’re older and have only been married a couple of years. I’m at my wits end. I’ve prayed to Jesus for help. The only answer I’ve felt Jesus gave me is to walk away when my husband starts using foul language. This means leaving him with a herd of 300 head of cows or leave him stuck in his tractor. Any advice?

  18. This is one of the best articles I have read on this topic. It was very helpful in a recent situation and I am going to re-read and meditate on it, so that I can retrain my responses with Gods help and become the kind of wife He wants me to be.

  19. Hai… I am Esther from India. I have been with a guy for 4 yrs, but sad to say we are still strangers. He is not so kind to me if am not boosting him up. He is totally dependent on me but still abuses me, beats me for no reason. Though I compromise on a lot of things he is so ignorant towards me, which I don’t get. Why he is behaving in such manner? He never talks to me, or expresses his feelings to me. I expect him to be more caring and loving, which I do same for him. But day by day my life is vain. Please pray for me because I am no more able to handle it.

  20. Tonight I asked my husband if anything was wrong rather than accuse him. I asked my husband to pray for me because I was angry that he didn’t say goodnight in our separate sleeping arrangements. Your article was very helpful because he said the reason was that he was preoccupied with the electrical problem that we are having in our house wiring. I sort of didn’t believe him until I read your article. I’m praying everyday for him to be filled with the knowledge of God’s will so that he can know the hope of His calling…it seems to be helping me a little but my anger toward him is killing me. I pray God will help me not be so angry toward him since its my fault that I have held a grudge against him for hurtful things he has done in our 23years of marriage. He forgives me and is still helping me with our property. I wish I could help him more.

  21. I thank you for this article. It is hard to live with a man who thinks he does nothing wrong. He has told me that he didn’t care if I left because his church means more to him. He sacrifices for everyone else except his marriage. His friends think he is a good guy but he is different at home. When I speak to him he tells me I am sick and need help.

  22. Pray with me. I am in an abusive language marriage. No respect, insults, name calling in the presence of my kids. Help me. I am traumatized.

    1. Tapiwa… so sorry that you are being traumatized in this way. Words definitely CAN hurt, deeply. Please look through the Abuse in Marriage Topic at: We have many articles posted there that may give you insight. I pray for you, hoping your husband will wake up. No human being has the right to treat their spouse like this.

  23. I’m a young woman. I’ve been married 6 yrs. The first 2 were ok then these last four have been hard. My husband is a momma’s boy. He has cheated with a woman in our circle. I forgave him once but he continued and I forgave him again. He has anger issues. He can be very rude. He doesn’t listen when I talk, he doesn’t engage in my life, and when things don’t go his way he distances himself from the responsibilities. He is a deacon in church but he will disrespect me and go to church smiling like he’s right. I feel like when I’m being the bigger person and staying quiet he is thinking he is right. I pray and believe. Sometimes I feel drained.

  24. It is really hard to do that. I need prayers. I am really trying but it becomes harder. Please God, hear my prayer.

  25. Very beautifull article…brought me to so much peace and gave me a different perspective to my miserable situation. I am living with an unfaithful husband who is arrogant and has no remorse for his actions…please pray for me.

  26. Thank you for reminding me to be passive in life. It helps me a lot in regards to dealing with my materialistic husband. I don’t know if he is a part of my sacrifice in following Jesus because I almost gave up on him in silence.

  27. It’s God that directed to here, I am two weeks into marriage and already I am beginning to foresee trouble. I married my husband after courting him 4 to 5 years, even though the relationship was full of issues, I married him believing that things will be fine. Now its barely three weeks and just like old relationship days he gives me reasons to cry every now and then. Please pray for me, I want to remain married but not sorrowfully in marriage. Thank you.

  28. My husband doesn’t acknowledge me when people are around. He does’t tell me everything. He’s withholding sex from me. He doesn’t kiss me. He doesn’t allow me to hold his hand in public. We have only been married 2 years and we have sex two to three months apart.

  29. Thank you for this! It was so very helpful 😊 Being raised by an independent mom who taught me to not be a servant to a man and take of of myself has caused an internal struggle between the ways of the world and Gods way for a Christian Woman. Thank you again for this!

  30. Relationships are tricky and it takes lots of patience from both parties but I believe with God everything is possible!

  31. I’m very happy to have found this sight. I need to be more like what God wants me to be and less bitter and resentful. I hope through God, He can give me the strength, wisdom and courage to treat others who are not so nice and caring towards me with love and understanding. I pray God will give me the knowledge to work through Him to my husband who is obviously hurting. Please LORD, I need Your help and Your guidance. I love You, Father and thank You for loving me and for forgiving me as well.