Marriage Missions International

During Separation: Time Can Be Your Friend

The following article is written to women who are dealing with their husbands who have left them, but the same principles can also apply to men who are dealing with their wives who have left. We encourage you to pray, glean, and see what God could be saying to your heart:

They that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings as eagles
(Isaiah 40:31 KJV).

Because your emotions are so turbulent, you may think no happy answer to your situation is possible. Your thoughts may run the gamut from a fairy-tale ending to the worst possible outcome. When you find yourself in this state for very long,you may be tempted to do whatever will give a clean resolution. You may want closure, even if that means doing what you really don’t want to do. But making rash decisions may be something you will woefully regret later. Time may be your friend, if you let it.

When this disaster first swooped down upon me, my friend Toni Jo said something that shocked me at first. I didn’t want to hear it.

“Don’t be in a hurry,” she said. “Give him as much time as he needs. He’s confused and needs to figure himself out. Tell him to take a year if he needs to figure out what he wants.”

“A year!” I exclaimed. “A year?”

“What’s a year in a whole lifetime?” she asked. “If it takes a year for him to figure things out, and then you have thirty more happy years together after that, wouldn’t it be worth it?”

As it turned out, it took three years for my husband and me, not one. But yes, it was worth it.

Trusting God includes waiting on him to do whatever he is trying to do during this process. Because God does not force his loving work into our lives, making rash decisions can preclude God from accomplishing new dimensions of spiritual and emotional growth in you and your mate as well as others around you. We need to give God time.

Waiting is extremely hard when each day weighs us down with an eternity of suffering. But time has a way not only of healing but also of giving perspective. What may seem true to your mate today may look different to him tomorrow. Each new encounter between the two of you can set him or you off in a different relational direction, either positive or negative.

Many years of clutter may need to go through the filter before the gemstones of your life together can become clear. If your husband has separated from you, he may be trying not to even think about you now. He may be focusing only on what he can make sense of. And that probably is not you and your relationship. Most likely he is filling his mind with work and other interests that keep him aloof emotionally.

During moments of deep depression, when you really want to give up, pick up your Bible and let God speak to you. Listen to what he says to you at that particular time. He wants to strengthen you, and you need strong wings if you’re going to mount up on the wings like eagles. Wait on the Lord. Remember, he is able to do more than we could ever imagine. But sometimes it requires time.

Lift your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these? He who brings out the starry host one by one, and calls them each by name. Because of his great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing. Why do you say, O Jacob, and complain, O Israel, ‘My way is hidden from the LORD, my cause is disregarded by my God?’

“Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.

“Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint (Isaiah 40:26-31).

The above article is written by Linda W. Rooks and comes from the excellent book, Broken Heart on Hold: Surviving Separation, published by Life Journey. As Linda writes about this book, “Broken Heart on Hold is meant to be a friend to walk beside you through the labyrinths of your confusion and pain. It is not a quick fix or a prescription for how to solve your problems. It is intended to be a daily companion in your crisis. It is not a book to be picked up and read through once and then set on the shelf. Rather, I suggest you read one selection each day and let the devotional thoughts sink into your heart and mind. Mull it over. Chew it up. Then the following day go on to the next.”

You can also visit Linda’s Web site at where she has “individually formatted a number of Bible verses for your strength and encouragement.” As she says, “From my Web site you can download full-color pages of whatever Scripture you choose and post it on your wall, mirror, or refrigerator so you can see it regularly and be encouraged. When our minds are spinning in different directions, being reminded of a Scripture can lead us to a more peaceful and healthy path.”


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318 Responses to “During Separation: Time Can Be Your Friend”
  1. Cel from Australia says:

    Hi, I have been married 16 years. I have two children with my husband. He left us a week ago because he’s not happy and I’m not happy. I said to him I haven’t been happy for a while because of all the bad things he said about me that I could not accept. It hurt me deeply not only once but more. I have just lost trust in him. He still sees the children and will support me, the kid’s school fees, and everything the kids need. He also said to me he will still continue paying the mortgage and all the bills while the house is not sold yet.

    Two days later I ring him and said I need to talk to you so I know where I stand; so we did. I asked him if he’s 100% sure he wants a divorce. His responce was yes; we’re getting a divorce. He told me he doesn’t love me any more but he loved me when he married me. I got so angry with him and was upset and I didn’t say a word; I just froze. I still love him even though he says bad things about me. But I am not 100% happy. If he ever asked me to get back together I don’t know if I could trust him again. Five days later I ring all my in laws and told them the reason so they could hear my side. After talking to them I feel happy and feel relief.

    • Ica from Mexico says:

      I know right now you are in so much pain, you feel hurt, betrayed, and angry towards your husband. First af all pray to God to heal your heart, and to provide you with a forgiving heart. Through the marriage years we tend to keep all the little or big offenses our partner has done to us and forget to forgive and so we develop a resentful heart and become bitter, being defensive at anything our husband says or does and sometimes even revengeful. (Ephesians 4:26-27: In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.)

      When you got married, it was God who joined the 2 of you together (Matt 19:6: So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate). If you give up on your marriage now, not only will you suffer, but your children and someday the children of your children. Do not let what he says or does affect you more. Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good (Romans 12:21). I’ve been where you are, and let me tell you it hurts so much, and it’s not that easy, but have faith that God will heal yours and your husband’s hearts. Remember God commands us to forgive if we want to be forgiven.

      • Rudolph from United States says:

        I understand that. My wife cheated on me and is 2 months pregnant with another child’s baby. I’ve been a good husband to her. I supported her through her health scare, school, sacraficed for her and I love her. What do you do when your wife isn’t being the wife that God wants her to be? I’ve stayed and try to fight for the marriage but do you stay when you aren’t getting what you deserve?

  2. Cathy from United States says:

    I’ve been separated for 3 months after 12 years of marriage. My husband wasn’t happy and wanted out. We had been having issues. This is second marriage for us both. I’m so truly devastated. I don’t know day to day how I even cope. Some days I am ok then I crash hard. I cry all the time. I cry on the phone to him and have begged and pleaded. I don’t understand how someone can just throw another away. Not only me but my children who he was such a big part of their lives, and the Grandchildren. He walked away from them too.

    I would give my right arm to have him back. He was my soul mate. I just need some help to cope with it all and I don’t know how to get it. I see a therapist and am going to go to a support group next month. I know he was so in love with me at one time. I just pray he finds that love again.

    • Veronica from United States says:

      Good afternoon, I’ve been separated from my husband for about 3 months now and it does hurt so bad. I Also find myself crying and breaking down. I’m not sure what will come of us but I want him back dearly. We were not happy for sometime before the separation but I have hope that we are one again. We rarely talk to each other and he’s advised me he has a special friend that he’s been spending time with. I’ve accepted this because I have no choice. I just hopes this time from his family makes him realize what he’s lost.

  3. Christine from Philippines says:

    Hi, my husband left nearly 2 yrs ago for another woman. We are married for 13 yrs together for 19 yrs. I was pregnant with our 3rd child when he left. He was a good man. 2 months ago we talked, he told me he loves us, and will be coming home soon and that he just needs a little more time to fix things. I dont understand why he can’t come home and what things he needs to fix. I feel hurt but I love him and want my family back. He keep on telling ne he loves us and will come home.

  4. Anand from United States says:

    Hello: I have been married over a year now. It was an arrange marriage as per the Indian Hindu culture. I knew that gal only a few months before the marriage. Our marriage was going good, suddenly due to some problem at my place (where I live with my younger siblings and mother) there were clashes between us, as I was eldest and had to face the problem. I lost my temper and one day I broke out on my wife in an argument as she had been constantly nagging me about the problem at my place. She left my home, went to her parents place. I had to convince her for 4 months, after which she came back.

    After she came back, we opted to stay isolated from my family. We had quarrels in our day to day life, but they were normal. She used to abuse me whenever we had big fights, she abused me, distrusted me, said I had an affair outside, which I never had. Her abuse increased day by day. But when few days passed, we became normal. I didn’t care much about the abuse. We both partied, drank together, loved roaming places. Suddenly last week, when I had been out for party with my friends and came back home (she knew I was gonna have drinks) and the next day I was to visit my inlaws for casual meet. So I bought some sweets for them. Seeing that, she again started abusing me. I thought of not getting into a fight and went to my bedroom and slept. She came over there, and started again with her verbal abuse about me, my family, my character and so on. Later she went out in living room and started calling my friend, why I drink and all… I kept the phone but her abuse was continuing. I lost my temper and I slapped her 10-15 times on her face and shoulder. She left the immediate day to her parents and doesn’t want to come back. She is asking for divorce now. It was my anger which came out that day, due to her abusive words. But I love her a lot, how can I keep from losing her. When I try to contact her, she doesn’t recieve my call, nor her parents speak to me. I am helpless.

    • swarna from India says:

      Hi Anand, reading your first paragraph made me wonder if it was my husband who had posted this, but no. I was in the same state as your wife would have been in the first year of your marriage. I am married for 1.5 years now. I was living with my husband in US for a year and it was one of the worst years of my life.

      The reason your wife is always abusive could be because she is in need of help, emotionally. Listen to her, be there for her. Talk to her, don’t just shut yourself up if you do so. I understand you can not make everything easy for her but let her know you are there for her and will do anything that it takes to make her happy.

      I definitely appreciate your effort for getting her back the first time but losing your temper and harassing her? I hope you are good man and will do her right. If she is running away from you and picking a fight without any reason it simply means she is not content living with you and that she is not happy.

  5. AnnTaylor from United States says:

    I’ve been with my husband for seven years and been married a year and a half. Most of the time we’ve been off and on apart and now as of this year 2014, we’ve not been together since April. He doesn’t call to check on me or anything. I’m so upset with myself because I knew that this man was not going to be right with what so ever. But I loved him and had his back in every way. When we married I did it in the name of Jesus, not to be taken for a joke. I never thought in a million years that I would have gotten married. So many people were shocked because I did and I felt like that because I never wanted to go through what I’m going through now.

    I feel so sad. We both played a part in the separation. I feel like I lost my best friend in the whole world and maybe he feels the same. I want what ever is going to go down to happen already. I’d rather we stay or go; I need to know so we can both move on with our lives. It’s only fair one way or the other.

  6. Carol from United States says:

    My husband and I were high school sweethearts and were married 6 months after I graduated. We were devastated when we miscarried our first child at 8 weeks and 1 day. We had ony been married 3 months and grew angry with God. We stopped going to church every week and only went when every once in a while. We both hurt and I shut down. 2 months after our miscarriage we became pregnant with our son. The entire pregnancy I lived in fear and was emotionally detached from life.

    It’s not that that excuses my husband for cheating on me while I was 7 month pregnant. But I see why it happens now. I was devastated when I found out and being pregnant and 3000 miles from my family I stayed. We never got help. I was to ashamed to admit he cheated on me. My anger grew and I lost my faith. On a visit to see my family with our now 2 1/2 year old I found out he brought another women into our home and marital bed. I choose to not go back. Despite all of this we have remained good friends and our divorce has never been finalized. He has now moved to my town to be closer to our son who is now 6. It has been 4 years and he is living with a girlfriend.

    You may call me crazy or stupid; I don’t care. I love my husband with all my heart and fully believe with all that I am that God can and will restore our marriage. I know that the road ahead of us will not be easy and I have to be strong in my faith to get there. I know all things are possible thru Christ who strengthens me. I now know I am only in control of my choices and I first work on my relationship with God.

    • Miss Smith from United States says:

      Bravo Catherine, for having such faith in the Lord. I am praying for you to get your family fully restored, and that your husband honors his vows and only has eyes for you from now on. My husband and I blew up at each other a few days ago when I found an almost empty bottle of strong wine in his car, indicating drunk driving. He left, EVERYONE PLEASE PRAY THAT GOD HAS MERCY ON MYSELF AND CATHERINE AND OTHERS ON THIS FORUM AND SENDS US OUR HUSBANDS BACK. I miss him so much. I know that God can restore us but each day that goes by without word from him is frightening. I have faith that God is doing an yet unseen work in us and that things are moving and changing for the better.

      I declare that “In the name of Jesus Amen (his name) is coming home sober and better than ever In Jesus’ name. Amen!!!” Could all of you righteous Christians add your powered up prayers to mine? The Bible says that your prayers do much good and I thank you all and the Lord for taking care of us. God Bless You all In Jesus’ name. Amen!

    • Dee from United States says:

      What ever happened to your situation? I read a lot and yours is my current situation! I’ve been ok up until now; I’m just so confused!

  7. Jayne from United States says:

    My husband and I have been separated since Jan of this year. It was at his request that this happened and he blindsided me with his request. He wanted a trial. He wanted to know. His second marriage, my third. Early in our marriage I became saved and I try to do as God wants me too. I gave my husband his way and I didn’t fight argue or anything. I made the transition as easy as possible. I moved to a different state and let as much communication go as I could. I missed him. I was dying inside.

    During this process he had decided that our separation was a mistake. I’m extremely glad of this, don’t get me wrong; I love my husband with all my heart. He means the world to me, but, now I’m not able to express this. I’m feeling wronged, even though he admits it was a mistake and it shouldn’t have happened. According to him I have turned cold. I’m not as open as I used to be. I know that he is trying to fix things. I’m so grateful for this, but I’m afraid. I have become accustomed to being on my own, to dealing with my for me. I’m planning on going home to him. We have made the arrangements and he is doing everything right. Why am I so separated when I didn’t want this in the first place?

    • Rose from South Africa says:

      Separation I have learnt the hard way, is not a cure. I only recommend separation where abuse is present. Separation leads to believing that we can cope in the world without our spouse as the temporary relief from the tensions and disagreements in our marriage are left behind for a time. When we separate we send out a deep seeded message to each other that we don’t need them in our life. In my opinion separation is the first step to divorce and once that happens sadly we then realise just how much we do need and love each other.

      Jayne, go back to your husband and my God bless you. It is not too late.

      • Cindy Wright from United States says:

        I totally agree Rose. Thank you for sharing this. Jayne, I was going to reply the same thing. Please go back to your husband. You made a vow to be together til death parts you. Please go back to your husband and figure out together (with help from God, this web site and others, and perhaps a counselor) how to make your marriage into a good one. It IS possible. If you invest your time in living apart, you will eventually grow further and further apart, rather than together as you should, and as you vowed that you would.

        We all go through tough times and do things we shouldn’t. Don’t allow the mistakes of the past divide you now and in the future. Please go back home and work on your marriage. There are SO many resources available to teach you how to do that. The Holy Spirit, as your “Wonderful Counselor” is waiting to guide and help you in this mission. Years from now you will be so glad that you did. Persevering in marriage is a godly thing to do. I pray (and I’m sure Rose and others do too) that you will apply yourself to working on your marriage TOGETHER.

  8. Lisa from United States says:

    My husband left me April 1st after 13 years of marriage. He told me for a month he needed to learn to appreciate what he had and to grow up and act like an adult. On May 1st his dad passed and on May 3rd I found out he was dating an 18 year old. He says he gets her, and for the first time he doesn’t feel he needs to lie. My whole life is in turmoil. He barely saw the kids or even asked about them; the ones at home are 9 and 13.

    Now he’s starting to pop in whenever he likes and bring us breakfast and always tells me he loves me and cries. I brought up divorce last week and he freaked out. I’m very worried about him and so wish I could have my husband back. We had our ups and downs but never would I have imagined this. I’m so lost and confused. I want my life back but he still seems so confused. He says he’s not in love with me but he loves me with everything he has. I just don’t know what to do.

  9. Adaugo from Nigeria says:

    Right now I’m so confused. I got separated from husband 18 months after our wedding. It was the hardest thing I could do. Our marriage was attacked so badly by a third party he so believed in, and I was maltreated badly. I left hoping that he would find me or ask for forgiveness but rather it was more like I gave him his heart’s desires by leaving. A lot was said; lies were said.

    After 2 years now, no divorce or physical contact, he just started calling to check up on me, being concerned, cracking jokes with me without either of us talking about the separation. Now I’m so confused. What am I meant to do… Be friends with my husband? Or be his girlfriend? Honestly, I need help.

    • Cindy Wright from United States says:

      Adaugo, You need to pray about this. It’s important to decide with the Lord when (and if) you are to ask him where he’s going with this. I would probably wait for a little bit –giving yourself time to pray and him time to enjoy being with you again. But ask the Lord. Just like with Queen Esther, in the Bible, timing was important… and I believe it will be for you. Don’t have a conversation like this over the phone, or at a time when either of you have something negative going on… talk about it in person, after lots of prayer, and at a time and place that is safe and conducive for uninterrupted conversation.

      Perhaps you may need to go out on a few (non-sexual) dates together to start rebuilding.

      When you DO talk on this issue, if he tells you he just wants to be friends, then (if the Lord leads you accordingly) I would tell him I didn’t marry him to just be his buddy. I married him to be committed together to build a good life together, “for better and for worse, for richer and for poorer, in sickness and in health, til parted by death.” Keeping promises, as voiced, is important. It’s obvious that he forgot his vows to you and to the Lord. If he wants to “just be friends” then I would probably tell him (if the Lord leads) that he needs to let you figure out your life without him. You have other friends. You want to be “friends” with him, but married friends. If he doesn’t want that, then ask him to go and work out his life without you, as he has obviously chosen. When he’s ready to be married friends, you are MORE than willing to be a part of his life.

      I wouldn’t talk about divorce or whatever… just the boundaries of friendship, now that you are married. You aren’t his girlfriend apart from being his married wife, who is committed to work on your marriage WITH him. He can’t have both worlds –one step into your heart and life and one step outside to act as if he is single… he isn’t. He is married and you both need to get on with building your lives TOGETHER, rather than playing house. Marriage is serious, and it’s good, but it’s also for grown-ups. He needs to act like one and come back home. I’m praying for you, and hope you are able to get back together.

  10. Issa from United States says:

    Hi, I’ve been married for 3 years. We have a 3 months old baby girl. My husband filed for divorce last July of this year. It hurt me so bad, and since then we’ve never talk with each other. I saw him a couple of times for the child visitation. I know still love him. We never had any fights before, and if we do it’s always about money. He wants to be in control of everything. For the first 2 years I allowed him to do that. It was just last year, when I got pregnant and realized that I needed to have my own decisions and not just follow whatever he wants. This is when he decided that he wants a divorce.

    I know that I have my faults in regards to this divorce, but I still love him. I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I was so lost and scared knowing how much I love him. I can’t imagine my life without him. I want our baby to grow up with a complete happy family.

    Right now, all I can do is pray and just have faith, that God can change everything. I’m praying that one day I wake up next to him again. I trust in God almighty that he will touch my husband’s heart and fix everything in His right time.

    • Liane from Canada says:

      Hi Issa, My husband and I have also been married for 3 years. We also have a young baby (our first child), a 6 month old daughter. Having a young baby while trying to cope with a separation makes things even more difficult, although I’m blessed by God with our daughter. This drives me even more to do the best that I can for her. I have been separated from my husband since the end of July but it feels like much longer as our issues have been dragging on for many months now, with a recent heightened fight that resulted in my husband displaying acts of violence by throwing/breaking objects.

      I too continue to pray for guidance from God. I trust that I need to be patient and not rush things although this is certainly challenging specifically when all I want is an answer to what will happen next. I too want our daughter to grow up with a loving and caring mother and father in a strong marriage. At this time the thought of being a single mother frightens and deeply saddens me. I pray especially for my husband at this time, that God would touch his heart, that my husband would accept God into his life again and realize that this is a crucial and necessary step if there is any chance of our marriage being saved.

      I chose to separate from my husband until he realizes he needs to make some changes to his behaviour and actions; I have seen neither happen yet or throughout our marriage yet so I’m doubtful. I feel like I’m in constant turmoil. I’ve decided to stop communicating with him until I’m able to handle this situation more clearly. The communication I have provided to him I feel is supportive and loving yet what I get from him remains selfish and controlling. I too feel like I have a controlling husband who I’ve also recently discovered is a deceiver, manipulator. I have lost trust in him. My husband has been battling with depression, unemployment for over a year, and suicidal thoughts off and on, although at the same time I cannot continue to see any of these things as an excuse for him to continue escaping from reality and responsibilities.

      I continue to pray for guidance and patience and strength from God, and will do the same for you. I hope that you have a strong support system in place to help your through this. I am so blessed and fortunate to be staying with my loving and supportive faith centered parents who are also deeply troubled by what is happening. I never would have thought this would happen, no one does. I can’t fathom at this point why anyone would so readily chose to give up on his marriage, his daughter, his life.

  11. Olivia from South Africa says:

    We both agreed to be on separation but he is constantly checking up on me, monitoring all my moves.

  12. Williams from United States says:

    My wife and I have been separated 2 weeks, with no contact, and no calls. We have been together a year and half. I was accused of giving my ex wife money for her kids school clothes in which I didn’t do. I did do the texting and inboxing on facebook. I bought her a gift she accepted but she keep saying she is done. Her birthday and anniversary are a week away on same day. So what do I need to do?

  13. Tina from United States says:

    Hello all. My story is a little different then most. I got pregnant when I was 16. My husband (boyfriend at the time) and I decided we were going to commit our lives to each other. Five years later, we a have two girls, a four year old and a 9 month old. We have been through many struggles. He supported me with finishing high school, and I even went on to completing online college.

    Within the past few months, things have taken a turn for the worse. He had a career change, and has been struggling with choosing a job he loves. This has caused him a great deal of stress and unhappiness. I have been very unhappy, and I have not dealt with it well. He left me about 6 weeks ago. In this time, he got a new job. After about 3 weeks, he came back, and we decided we were in it for the long haul. Three weeks went by, and here I am again, alone. We definitely have had our share of immature fights, but the majority of our problems all revolve back to emotional problems.

    We cannot meet each others needs emotionally. When we get upset with each other, our arguments hurt each other emotionally. It just keeps eating and eating away at us. I have asked my husband if he would like to go get help together. He seemed interested in why I wanted to, but ultimately went back to not wanting to work things out. I am so confused.

    All I know is that this HURTS. I really need a friend to just listen. I am hoping time will heal our hearts. I see my parents marriage, and the struggles they have made it through. It motivates me to fight for my love. If he isn’t interested, should I just leave him alone? I feel like he knows how I feel. I don’t know what else I can do. I am trying to let go and let God. Please pray for me.

    I am trying to be strong for my children, but all I can do is cry. :S I would also like some advice on how to handle this with my 4 year old daughter. She is struggling to understand the problems and fighting.

    • Michael from United States says:

      Tina, You aren’t alone. I’ll write my own story in a few minutes. Know you are loved and God loves you. I pray your husband will want to work things out and continue with the marriage if you want that as well. I’m not sure your 4 year old would fully understand the situation so it would be best to keep any explanation simple.

      I’ve been constantly reminded lately that many people have overcome challenges such as this to reach new heights. I know it is difficult. You have two young children that will depend on you. I’m sure you will be a wonderful mother for them. Along the journey, whichever path it may take, remember to take a few moments to take care of yourself as well.

      I hope and pray you find some comfort in these words and your relationship is filled with love again soon.

  14. Michael from United States says:

    I’ve been separated two weeks and this is the most difficult thing in my life. I’ve been married 26 years and with my wife for 31 years. We have been together since high school. We have one son aged 10. I’ve always loved my wife and we have always been faithful to one another.

    I believe the problem started about 14 years ago. I purchased a company and as time went by became more and more tied to the company. We still did things together but I was so stressed that I often neglected my wife. I didn’t listen, criticized, and otherwise made her feel unloved. In the last couple of years she found a new hobby and someone that made her feel wanted. Nothing happened between them.

    I recently realized the error of my ways and told her that I wanted to change and wanted her in my life. She exploded. I’ve been seeing a counselor since the first week and she went once. She said she needs space to deal with this. In an effort to save the marriage I moved to an apartment nearby. I’m still going to counseling and to church.

    I accept responsibility for my actions. I love my wife and son and will do anything to keep my marriage. I just want a second chance. I don’t know how to be without her. I pray God will help us get back together. It is hard to stay positive. It has only been two weeks but it seems like a lifetime.

  15. Steve from Kenya says:

    Hi, I had an intention to marry this girl. I made it clear to my parents and she and we had a traditional introduction. I met this girl drinking and smoking but I did not know she was an addict. I drink and smoke too but she drinks every day, and it really weighed me down. 7 months after the traditional engagement we’re separated now 5 months. We used to fight a lot physically leading to police stations. I still love this girl but her people apulia not let me talk to her. Please advise.

    • Yukie from United States says:

      I have been separated from my husband since May. The reasons I left him were because he was controlling and we had other physical issues. I didn’t want to leave him but mostly everything he was doing was pushing me away. He came one day from work and I didn’t have dinner ready because there wasn’t anything in the fridge to make and he told me to make the potatoes. When he told me to cook for him right away he told me with anger and authority. I asked him to tell me nicely because I was his wife and he told me because I was his wife he could talk to me however he pleases. I decided not to cook for him that day (I would cook everyday like he was accustomed).

      I was walking out of the apartment when he kicked me; I was stunned. I couldn’t believe he would do that to me after all I’ve done. After I cried while I was feeling betrayed, alone, and emotionally disturb he told me he was sorry. He asked me to cook for him and I did. Before that incident I wanted to surprise him by buying tickets to a rodeo for our 4 year anniversary.

      We went to the rodeo with my 2 1/2 year old son. While we were over there he wouldn’t hug me or kiss me or hold my hand. We danced one song the whole time time we were there. He would tell me that I wanted other guys to look at me, given the fact that I was wearing jeans while majority of the other girls were wearing really Short shorts and dresses. He is also a really jealous man. After being there for about 8 hrs I asked him if he wanted to leave. It didn’t even felt like an anniversary. He wasn’t talking to me or anything. I wanted to feel like we were there for each other but I felt like we were strangers. When we were leaving he told me he was sorry for not paying attention to me, I had to choice but to be okay with it, I didn’t want to talk about it because I felt that there was no point for that.

      There were times where we wouldn’t talk at all because he was mad. He would eat and go watch television. I would clean after him, I would cook everyday and make sure the apartment was clean. Other things happen as well that really got me thinking of leaving him. All this has happend 2 months before I left. Each time we separate I always end up begging him even after everything he does. He goes clubbing when we aren’t together, I see him with other women. He tells me he would never get back with me because I’m not working at this time. I know that I did wrong in this relationship. I should of been a better wife. There were times where i would be in a really bad mood and I would take it out on him. I know I could of been better. It’s been almost 6 months since we separated, I’m sad, angry st myself, I want my husband back but I know that everything will be the same. He won’t go back with me unless I beg him constantly. After that I am not really sure if he would take me back.

      The same week I left he Called me to tell me that the last time we separated he had sexual intercourse with 4 other girls and he laughed. I have prayed mercifully for our relationship to work and for god to touch his heart and make him realize that his family cares for him. I tried to take him to church because in order to have a relationship that is healthy and loving we need god in it. Now I’m so lost and I don’t know what to do. I want him back but I know if we go back we are going to end up the same. He is too controlling and manipulative. He wouldn’t let me do my hair, make up he would claim that u was having an affair. I want him to know that I love him and my son and I am waiting for him as long as he changes. Please help.

  16. Eve from United States says:

    After 17 years of marriage, my husband and I have been separated for 4 months. I initially asked him to leave because he had already left emotionally about 6 months prior. He acted like he couldn’t stand to be in my presence. Since our separation he has been evasive towards me and our daughter. He only comes by on occasion and texts and calls every now and then. How can a man just cut his family off like this? It doesn’t seem to bother him that he rarely sees or talks to us. I have humbled myself and asked him to come back several times and even gave him back his house keys 3 weeks after he left. He took the keys but he rarely comes to the house when we aren’t there and when we are he always rings the bell like a stranger. About a month ago I caught him at a woman’s house and he said they were friends only but since that time he has become even more evasive towards me. Our daughter is haivng a very hard time dealing with this situation but he treats her similar to how he does me. I have so many questions as to WHY? He has told me that he loves us and misses us more than we know but he won’t come home. He and I argued re me coming to the other woman’s house and he said he didn’t want to come back because I would never change. He says I don’t trust him and I’m always trying to see what he’s doing. I had total trust in my husband until about a year ago. He was secretive about his whereabouts and his phone and always hanging with friends. This situation has been so hard for me to deal with. This is my second marriage and his first. My first marriage ended due to infidelity (husband cheated) and I am terrified that this will be a repeat. To this day my husband still insists that he hasn’t been or isn’t currently seeing anyone but he has lied twice about where he’s been staying these past four months. I still don’t know where he lives but he has to be quite content because he doesn’t seem to miss home. He even told a friend that he wasn’t coming back but when I try to discuss where we’re going or what we’re doing he runs away. I truly love my husband and I pray that he will get his act together and come home. Am I crazy to have hope that this situation can be fixed? Now that I’ve written it down, it sounds completely crazy to me. Please give input on what I should do. I have prayed and prayed about my marriage being reconciled and now that the holidays are weeks away I truly don’t know how my daughter and I will get through it with our family being so broken. Prayers please!

    • Doug from United States says:

      Visit Michele Weiner Davis’ website and The Hero’s Spouse website. Good luck and God Bless you and yours.

  17. Tears of the Phoenix from United States says:

    I’ve been separated going on 6 weeks from my husband of 7 years (together 9). He is my soul mate. The last time he did this, he was having an affair. This time all the signs point to something similar but I have no proof. He comes to my house every morning to see the kids off to school, then joins us for dinner and puts them in bed. I don’t know where he’s living. I don’t know what he’s doing. I feel there are a lot of lies going on.

    I threw divorce papers at him a week ago, I didn’t want to but I was hurting so much. I just want the hurt to stop. I want to be able to have my life back and work on things. He says he needs time to “Think and sort his head”… well after all the crap he put me through, and I stood by him, how dare he be so weak to do this to me after a few difficult months? I’m left with the kids, and I’m nearly chained to the house (he leaves by 9 pm and I can’t go out, when I try he has something that suddenly comes up). I asked him to come stay the night so he can help with night duty (our 3 and 4 yr old aren’t sleeping well so sometimes I don’t sleep at all).

    I just want to stop crying. I want to finally either heal the wound with him at my side or heal it and move on so I can keep myself together. Crying at night and when away from the kids is my cleansing but that cuts like a knife. Friends have tried to be helpful but all he keeps doing is telling people how awful I am and refusing to see what he’s been doing. He admits that he’s put me through hell and back over the last 6 years. I don’t understand why he cannot just come home and sort out whatever it’s like I had to during that difficult time period. When I had to still be a wife and mother, stuffing down what I needed to stuff down and keeping as stable as possible… I am just so broken hearted.

    • Rose from South Africa says:

      Wow! Tears of Phoenix, I can totally relate to your anguish. It definitely “sounds fishy” to me. I too just wanted the hurt to stop. In my case there was someone else in the picture or so I found out later. It is so hard but your husband either wants to be alone “to think and sort his head out” OR be back home so you can both work on your marriage. He can’t have it both ways. Should he be allowed to waltz in and out of your life causing pain and showing dis-respect? Tough love really hurts.

      Whatever you decide to do please keep praying and standing for your marriage. We cannot make someone love us but there is a God that changes hearts and we need to “Let go and let God.” I will be praying for you and your dear children.

  18. Natalie from United States says:

    I’ve been with my husband for 13 years, 7 of those married, and 2 small children together. During our long relationship we’ve had lots and lots of ups and downs, but our flights would always get heated and ugly. He tends to be more angry and negative than me. I can usually, find a silver lining. Him not so much. One thing that led to these heated fights was our substance abuse problems. We both used drugs, usually together for a large part of the relationship; we fight to get my kids.

    We both stopped many times in the past, when we had babies or when getting a new job or when we just got tired of it. But my problem was more severe than his and I was not able to put it down so easily. The last 3 years of my life has been an overwhelming and painful struggle to be a good mother and wife while trying to keep my drug problems at bay. The last year has been the hardest and it’s included 2 drug rehabs and 2 big relapses. The last one unfortunately led to me being sexually assaulted and then placed in a mental ward by my family for a week immediately following me telling them.

    This hurt so bad it’s left scars on my heart. My parents abandoned me when I was at my weakest and desperately needed help to get they the coming weeks/months. Then my Husbands left with our two kids and moved in with my parents. This has been a very unhealthy living arrangement in that of he wants to complain and lay down in the pain of all this, and my mother is perfect to do that with. He’s not surrounded by good Christian men who will tell him to stick it out and help me while I help myself, again. He’s surrounded by people who only get a one-sided story and tell him to leave me. I don’t want that.

    The last 3 months we’ve been separated have been absolutely heartbreaking. I love him so much, even after all the junk we’ve went thru. I also didn’t mention there was a one-time affair on my end, this year in the midst of the drug use (he is now 6 months clean, by the way). Anyways he’s been gone 3 months now with my kids and they’ve been kept from me out of fear that I’m not a good parent or role model. So I’m experiencing hurt and grief and loss on so many levels. He had me served with divorce papers a week ago and included are the orders for him to have sole custody.

    I’ll have an uphill battle to fight to get my kids. He says he’s done. There’ve been times I know he’s hurting and questioning the divorce. But he just gets it stuck in his head that no one could ever possibly get thru these crappy circumstances. He tells me all the time that no one in the world has the experiences we’ve had and made it. So he feels like what’s the point of trying? I’m just lost. I love my family so much and especially him, and they’re all gone. They left me.

    Now, whenever he gives me a few minutes of his time on the phone, he’s extremely mean, and hangs up on me. Every time he starts to feel any stress over it, and he’s just awful to me. I don’t even know why I want to stay sometimes but I’m more in love with him now than when I was a teenager! I’m so lost. I want him back he says no way. I’ve even offered a 3rd rehab program to prove I’m seruous and will beat this addiction this time and it’ll stick!! Help!!

  19. Chris from United States says:

    My husband and I have been married for 14 years (together 17). We have two kids together. We have both become emotionally distant from each other for several years, and honestly both of us have been unhappy for quite some time. Just kind of living life and making the motions together, more as roommates than anything else. He left about a month ago and has no hope of us ever being happy together again.

    He has recently become best friends with a girl from work, but swears they are just friends, and has never done anything with her. He has even told me he has slept on her couch a few nights, because he was too tired to drive home. While I want to believe this, it seems a little far fetched. I want to work things out, however he does not because we will never be happy together again. But, he doesn’t want to get divorced for another year, to make sure it’s right. He has admitted to me that he knows God wants families to stay together and divorce is wrong. Is there a chance this might work out and God can change his heart?

  20. Shay from United States says:

    My husband of 14 yrs left me a year ago, said he was not happy. I found out he moved to another city 5 hrs away. He was cheating on me with one of his ex. Now they live together. He wants me to let our daughter come and stay with him and the other woman who knew he was married. I have not filed for divorce because of what God says about marriage so I’m waiting for God to make a change in him. I still love him and really want my marriage to work out. I pray and read my Bible daily. I’m asking for prayers.

  21. Kausalya from India says:

    Dears is, thanks for your wonderful advice. Thank you so much since I’m undergoing seperation and waiting for the Lord’s work. Your words were comforting…Thank you.

  22. Gabriel from United States says:

    Hello, my wife and I have been separated for little over a month now and we have not spoken to each other. The only time we spoke was when she had told me about that we needed to schedule a time to meet up and discuss everything. I let her know what my schedule was for that week and still there was no response. She says her mind is set on not being with me but she still has not filed or I think she has. But I would think if someone wants out they would not hesitate to do it and get it done.

  23. Larry from United States says:

    I have been married for 14 years. After an argument my wife left me. She has been out of the house for a month now. She is telling me its over. I have told her I will not give he a divorce. We have 2 bits that are staying with her at her mother’s. We have talked and she says she’s not coming back. I have told her to give me a chance to fix things. She said she has tried and tried and now it’s over.

    I don’t know what else to do. She will be visiting in our home for Christmas and leaving. She is staying only 10 miles away. I don’t know what to do. I am believing God for a miracle. I don’t see a light at the end at this time. Thanks for your help. Larry

  24. Brian from United States says:

    My wife left October 11th this year. This is both our second marriage; we’re a blended family with 5 kids between the 2 of us. There are no biblical grounds for divorce but with that said, we’ve had issues the past few months to say the least. She says not to have any hope in her coming back… I have accepted that but am continuing to work on me, allowing God to work on the “we” in our marriage and putting hope for reconciliation in Him. If anyone has been through separation where one spouse has hardened their heart and wants out and has been able to reconcile, any advice or suggestions please share and prayers are much appreciated. God bless!

    • Laura from United States says:

      Hi Brian, I’m going through a very similar situation. My husband of 5 yrs (been togethor 10) left me November 15th of this year. We, as well, are a blended family with 4 children. I would just like to ask for prayer that my marriage be reconciled. Im devastated and feel like I can’t move on without him. I love him dearly and it seems he just cut his feelings off like it’s nothing. Our marrigar was getting bad over the years, lots of physical verbal and mental abuse on both our ends. I feel that things could change; we can go get counseling etc., but at this point he is saying it’s over. Anybody with advice in this situation I would greatly appreciate. I just want the pain to stop.

  25. Joleaton from Canada says:

    I have been seperated from my husband for 2 years and 8 months. My husband got involved in an affair with a woman who was my best friend. This has been a long hard journey with many tears spilled by many people, not just myself and my husband. Through all of this I have felt the Lord leading me to just wait for Him to work things in His own way.

    Not too many people have supported this wisdom until today when I read this article. Thank you for posting this, it really is like a fresh drink of water. I do believe God is greater than any evil force in this world who wants to kill, steal, and destroy what God has created. He desires to give us life, and life more abundantly. I look forward to reading more on this site.

  26. Ashley from United States says:

    Hello, I could really use some advice. I have been married for 5 1/2 years, I am younger in my 20’s. My husband wants a separation. He told me about a week ago. As soon as he told me it’s like he has gone wild; staying out every night. One night he didn’t even come home. He is already seeing someone, I know this because I found flower wrappers in his truck, he also cares a lot more about his looks, etc.

    He doesn’t want to be around me at all. It’s weird because I was his world. Every day he told me how much he was in love with me and how happy he was. Then all of a sudden he comes home and says he’s not happy and moves on to someone else quick. We still share the same residence, I sleep on the couch and he sleeps in the bed when he is home.

    So far he is still paying all the bills and everything, but on my credit card account I can see where has been going out to eat different places constantly. I don’t know if he is just going through a wild part of his life, or if he just now wants to be single. Someone please help me and give me some advice. This just doesn’t make sense to me.

  27. Shawn from Canada says:

    During Christmas, my wife and I decided it would be best to separate for a short time. We had been fighting over tiny things. We have a 3 month old daughter, and we didn’t want to subject her to the fighting. My wife found out she wasn’t producing enough breast milk and our daughter finally took to the bottle (a little bit of stevia helps). When we made bottles, I would insist on following the directions to a tee, but all my wife heard was, “you’re a bad mother”. So, needless to say, we began fighting over making bottles. I now understand how she felt during this, she must have thought she wasn’t made to be a mom. I had been so blind to her feelings.

    She wanted me gone. I left where we were vacationing early (her request). When I got home, I came to realize that she had a friend take our only vehicle. This kept me from working. I had just started a successful company, and without a vehicle, I had to cancel all my contracts.

    I moved out. A week and a half later I was served a “protection order”, where she claimed I was abusive. I consented to the form so that she could feel secure and uncontrolled. I denied the allegations. She claimed I had punched her in the throat, kicked her in her c-section incision (1.5 months healed), punched her in the back of the head and pushed her around.

    The truth is that she had been very abusive to me, even to the point of the police being called on her. Each time she would attack me I’d grab her hands and shove her away. I train in fighting, and if I did as she claimed, there would have been severe damage. I never abused her physically. But I did abuse her mentally. She wanted to love me so badly but I couldn’t see it. I chose to only see the hurt she was causing me.

    I feel incredibly lost in all of this. I take responsibility for my actions and have been earnestly seeking out God. He’s the only thing keeping me from putting a gun to my head. I pray for God to take my life away. I don’t want to live a life away from my family. I wake up in pain. When I study God’s word, this pain goes away. But I can’t be in my studies every second of the day. The pain is too much for me to bear.

  28. Ali from United States says:

    My wife and I are married for five years and I loved her dearly. I still have my feelings for her. I met and married my dream wife when I was 38 and I thought I was blessed with having such a beautiful and high educated wife with an absolute bright future. I sponsored her to become a Canadian permanent resident and helped her to get admission from one of the best Universities in Canada for her doctoral degree right after she arrived. I worked hard to provide all necessary things to make a good luxury life.

    I was also supporting my parents who were living with us temporarily for only 5 months and that created an issue after a while with my wife who was unhappy about their presence. My parents left us with no bad feelings, but my wife put a break on loving me. I was aware of it but I tried to put things back together by improving our love style and life style together, by giving her time to do her job at school and helped her at home sincerely. We bought a brand new beautiful house with my good credit and we did lots of hard works inside and outside of our home.

    My parents came back but stayed in a separate apartment. However, my wife and her mother from oversea were so unhappy and objected to the presence of my parents in Canada. They thought they were living too close to us (about 20 km away) and that is a deal breaker. Her feelings toward our marriage got worst and weakened. We were arguing at times. After 3 years of marriage I asked her if we can have a baby together, but she refused due to her school projects and I was talking about it every few months for two years. She once got pregnant accidently 10 months ago but the embryo died strangely after 9 weeks.

    Our relation got worst and she called police on me just before Christmas, 2014. Now I have been forced by law to not contact her and she chose to leave our beautiful house for a shelter. I am in despair, I am confused, I am hopeless. I have never planned for such a disaster. I bear things to myself, but I hurt emotionally and financially. Now I should pay for Lawyer and mortgage and property taxes and other costs of living by myself. I am broke in every measure.

    I have no way of knowing if she wants to leave me forever or come back one day. Even I don’t know how to decide after she put me in this situation to deal with criminal charges due to her accusation for assault while I was trying to calm her down when she was loudly crying and swearing at me outside of our house to grab neighbor’s attention. I never assaulted her but she told the police that I did in my absence, and police arrested me in my workplace one hour later. I never knew she would call police. She was mad at me because I said to her earlier why she was lost and late when she came out of hospital door during my lunch break that day to drive her home when she was visiting my mother after a knee replacement surgery.

  29. Grace from Nigeria says:

    Nice to keep the PROMISE that says TILL DEATH DO US PART. But a dejected partner needs to relate, to fill the vacuum with another friend [or family] that will keep his or her company during the waiting time or else… The neglected partner might have depression or be mentally sick.

    Whenever the partner comes back the couple would apologise to each other, and refresh their affairs and life goes on. That is 50/50. Waiting alone and lonely can run a partner mad… jokes apart. But you can wait with company of friends land well wishers, that you love.

  30. Jackie from United States says:

    I’ve been separated from my husband of 9 years, together 16 years. We have 7 and 5 year old kids. I found out he was cheating for 2-3 years. I asked him to stay, and go counseling. He said no, that he didn’t love me. It’s been a year this Jan 6th 2015. I keep praying. Wondering if I should file for divorce. I’ve became numb, hurt, and have so much pain. But, at the same time somehow, I still love him. I pray the Lord reveals to me what steps to take, and where to go.

  31. jim from United States says:

    I miss and love my wife so much. I’ve made a lot of bad choices during our time together. I tried to end my life. But if I wanted to do that I would have never come back to the place I’m living. I heard her with a another man in our house and it hurt me so bad that I thought how can this be. I thought we were on the road to recovery, at least with my pill problem that I’m doing very well with.

    I love her so much. She is my world. I would give my life for her so she could live to take care of our children. I pray for her every night, and I always told her she is a beautiful woman and never said that she was fat or anything negative about her. She is a very smart lady and I want to take care of her when she gets old. I miss rubbing her feet and the way she smells.

    Dear God what a woman. I love her so much. Please watch over her and keep her safe. And tell her I love her more than she can imagine. I hope one day we can be together again, and be like it was when we first met. Please pray for US… Jim

  32. Lauren from France says:

    My husband of 5 years left with no warning 4 days before Christmas…supposedly just to think for a week. Things had been very hard since I’d found out that I was pregnant 3 months earlier and he’d blamed me for not “being more careful.” While things weren’t amazing financially, I took his comments very hard as we’d always talked about having children and especially since I’d spent the last 5 years caring for my 7yr old stepson.

    Long story short…I am now 6 months pregnant. I’ve seen my husband a handful of times since he left in December and am at an utter loss for what to do. I feel betrayed on so many levels and hate that he has made what should be a joyous occasion into one of confusion and heartbreak. He says he just needs time, that he doesn’t know what he should do.

    But I feel his actions reveal what he doesn’t want right now; a family. People here seem to say “Wait, give God time to work and give him room to think” yet I don’t have much time to give. He’s already abandoned me – us – when I’m vulnerable and need support (and in a foreign country). I feel I need time to grieve before the birth of my son and I need to know where I am going.

    I could understand a separation if we’d decided it together or if I felt I could still count on him, yet for the moment it just seems that everything he does is on his own terms and for his own gain.

  33. Shirlene from United States says:

    Hi, I left my husband 2 weeks ago, after 17 years. It was because of all the pressures he put on me from working all the time, hard man’s work that I just could not do anymore. I still love him, but he isn’t really talking to me. I’d like to work things out if he and I can change. But things will have to change. I know there is a chance we cannot make this work, but I really want to try.

    I just reached out to him and just kept it light to see how things are going. He did respond lightly to and say things are different there now. I’ve never stopped telling him I love him, but he has stopped putting the work love in his endings. He just signs his name. I know he has lost trust in me. I can work on that, if we make it. He is my soul mate and I really want his love back too. We are 600 miles apart right now. So it’s not so easy to just drop by for a chat. Neither of us can sign those dreaded papers. He has said he doesn’t mind staying married and I’m glad because I want to stay married too, but I would like to be together. I just don’t know if I should continue the conversation or let it sit a little.

  34. Launa from United States says:

    Hi. I have been married for 11 years and separated since 2007. I have always wanted my husband back; in 2010 my husband told me that he had a child on the way and today he has three children with the same woman. How can I get my husband back because I love him and he still loves me but he is still with the other woman and they have been together since 2007.

  35. Wingsonmyback from United States says:

    My husband and I have been separated for almost two years this August. I left the marriage to move out of state for a new job. At the time, I thought it was what was best for my kids and I. Before I left my husband and I argued constantly, and I felt that I was the only one who ever compromised. He was cold, distant, and he came home high on marijuana and beer everyday. I felt alone and afraid, and I just got tired of compromising. I also felt that the arguing wasn’t good for our three children to see everyday.

    When we separated he stopped fully supporting the children financially. He says that he did so that I could fall on my face. I met a man while we were separated and I thought that I was in love. This man was a lot of what my husband was not. He loved to talk and spend time with me, and we opened up to one another more than I had ever done in any relationship. My husband was furious over the relationship, even though he has been with many women himself. It has been a crazy time in my life.

    Recently, I have sought the Lord, and he directed me to end the relationship with the man, and pray to restore my marriage. I want my husband so badly now. I realize that I should not have left my marriage, and I never should have become involved with another man. Now my husband is seriously involved with another woman, and I feel hopeless. I want to pray and trust God to restore, but it’s heart wrenching everyday. My husband doesn’t call or check on me and the kids. He recently said he wants me and his family back, but he still doesn’t answer the phone or call. He says he has to work out his situation.

    I fear that the devil has him involved in a soul tie that he has difficulty breaking. I trust in God, but I’m heart broken. I need strength. When I do contact my husband, he says that I’m too demanding and I need to give him time. He says that he doesn’t want to speak to me, because I ask him to leave the woman’s house. He constantly brings up my relationship that I had during the marriage, and uses it to justify he relationship.

    I am so confused. Should I just give up? I can’t imagine living this way for years. I feel it’s destroying my spirit. I want to be positive and uplifted in my spirit, especially for my children, but I feel that I can’t and hold on to my marriage, or whatever it has become at the same time. I’m now scared to call my husband because when he doesn’t answer, it weighs heavily on my spirit. I want to wait until he reaches out to me, but he never does. I feel stupid, desperate, unloved, and alone. I have no one to talk to and I’m so afraid that I have lost my husband forever. PLEASE PRAY FOR MY FAMILY. PRAY FOR OUR RESTORATION!!! PRAY FOR MY MARRIAGE!!!

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