Marriage Missions International

Emotional Abandonment: My Spouse is Emotionally Distant

Your spouse may be there in your home physically (at least sometimes) but how about emotionally? Do you feel like you are on your own without a marital partner emotionally?

That’s NOT why you married the person who you once thought was the “love of your life.” But now you find that your spouse is closed off emotionally to you and you feel emotionally abandoned because he/she is uncommunicative.

The following are a few insights and a few questions that might help you that Dr Gary Chapman brings out in his book, “Loving Solutions”:

There are many reasons why some spouses become uncommunicative. Their unwillingness to share verbally finds its root in what is going on inside of them. Often it is unmet needs in the marital relationship that have stimulated resentment in the spirit of the silent spouse. His silence is a way of expressing this resentment. It is his/her way of saying, “I don’t like you, so I will treat you as a non-person.”

I don’t mean that the silent partner is consciously thinking these thoughts; I mean these are the inner emotional reasons why he or she is not talking. If we can discover the emotions inside the person and the factors that give rise to these emotions, we are well on the way to helping the non-communicating spouse to break his/her silence.

The spouse who seeks to be a positive change agent would do well to ask this question: “Does my spouse have an unmet emotional need that may be causing him to resent me?” …Each of ourselves can ask ourselves the following:

  • Does my spouse genuinely feel my unconditional love or has my love been conditional—I will love you if…
  • Have I done anything to infringe upon my spouse’s freedom? Does he feel that I am trying to control his life?
  • Has my speech or behavior struck at her efforts to gain significance? Does she see me as condemning something that she values as being significant?
  • Does he see me as a barrier to the fulfillment of his need for recreation and relaxation?
  • Is my spouse struggling with the spiritual dimension of life? Does she see me as interfering with her search for peace with God?

Anyone of these questions may uncover the source of your spouse’s silence. The challenge then is to find a way to help him or her meet that emotional need at the same time maintain your own integrity and get your own needs met.

That’s quite the challenge —one that our Wonderful Counselor can help you to work through. To help you on further this mission we recommend that you read the following articles, for which we are supplying links to web sites where they are posted.

Please read them carefully and prayerfully, asking the Holy Spirit to reveal truths to you concerning your marriage. Then glean the information you can use and apply it to your situation.

Below is a web site link to an article that centers on a husband who is emotionally distant, but in reality, if it is the wife who is distant, this same advice can be applied as well. Please don’t get stuck on the gender. Glean through and pray about the insights given.

To read, please click onto the ezinearticles.com link below:

YOUR HUSBAND IS EMOTIONALLY DISTANT

This next article, while I don’t agree with some points made in it, brings to light several points that make reading it, worth it. Please prayerfully read it, asking the Holy Spirit to reveal truth, and disregard that which doesn’t line up biblically and/or doesn’t apply.

From Examiner.com:

DEALING WITH AN EMOTIONALLY DISTANT SPOUSE

This next web site link will take you to some material which gives you the opportunity to learn a lot of things that may help you deal with this issue as well. It’s written by Richard P. Fitzgibbons. As you read and scroll down, you will find several articles to read through (including “Common Causes of Emotionally Distancing Behaviors, Major Causes of Emotionally Distant Behaviors, The Distant Husband, The Distant Wife, Cognitive and Behavioral Interventions” and then some other articles).

While you may or may not agree doctrinally with all that Fitsgibbons presents, please prayerfully read, asking the Lord to show you what He has for YOU to learn. Please click onto the Maritalhealing.com link below to read:

THE EMOTIONALLY DISTANT SPOUSE

Lastly, from the ministry of Christianity Today a challenge given (in an article formerly posted on the Internet titled, “My Spouse is Emotionally Distant,”),  is to “keep trusting God’s power and goodness.” It’s a difficult thing to do when you feel abandoned in many ways by your spouse. But God has promised to “never leave nor forsake” us. Sometimes it’s a matter of F.A.I.T.H. to believe that. F.A.I.T.H. means: Forsaking All I Trust Him. Trust in His power and goodness —no matter what!

Keep in mind the following (which was written in that article):

“Remember who God is! The same God who healed the rift between us and Him can also bring you and your spouse closer together. Zephaniah reminded Judah that God wouldn’t let their sin keep them separated from Him (Zephaniah 3:15). And God wants you to see your sadness about your relationship with your spouse by the same light.

“Don’t be discouraged. God can bring victory over sin (Zephaniah 3:13), and He can use your marriage for good purposes because He loves you and knows what you’re going through. Keep trusting in God’s power and goodness so you can be the spouse God has called you to be —and let God take care of your mate.” (See also Proverbs 3:27-35; Ephesians 4:14-16.)

Prayerfully keep in mind and consider:

The LORD your God is in your midst, the Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness. He will quiet you with His love. He will rejoice over you with singing.(Zephaniah 3:17)

This article was compiled by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International.

If you have additional tips you can share to help others in this area of marriage, or you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.

Share

Join the Discussion!

But please observe the following guidelines:

  • Try to be as positive as possible when you make a comment.
  • If there is name-calling, or profane language, it will be deleted.
  • The same goes with hurtful comments targeted at belittling others; we won't post them.
  • Recommendations for people to divorce will be edited out–that's a decision between them and God, not us.
  • If you have a criticism, please make it constructive.
  • Be mindful that this is an international ministry where cultural differences need to be considered.
  • Please honor the fact this is a Christ-centered web site.
We review all comments before posting them to reduce spam and offensive content.

Comments

190 Responses to “Emotional Abandonment: My Spouse is Emotionally Distant”
  1. Julie says:

    (USA) My spouse has been emotionally distant for years. I think part of it is a power play but it’s also due to the way he was raised. His mother was domineering, hateful, resentful and his father was gone all the time-probably to escape. But his mother showed no love or affection to these kids when she grew up. Her temper would often get out of hand and she would throw things like skillets at the walls to make her point. She had 3 girls and the baby was the boy of course, my husband. The middle daughter had bad asthma back then and they didn’t have the medications they do now. His mother had to make the ultimate sacrifice and take the daughter and move to Arizona for a few years to save her life and from then on to this day she resents her daughter, hates her and has made her the scapegoat for everything that has gone wrong in her life.

    Like if she would lose or misplace it then she’d blame the daughter for it. When this daughter grew up and moved out this mother would lose things still and continue to blame the daughter for taking it, and still until this past year when she was put into assisted living. This daughter NEVER had a key to this womans house, but was always put to blame. She told one of the other daughters a couple of times she wished that daughter dead. Clearly this woman should have never had children. So my husband instead of breaking the pattern of verbal and emotional abuse as he gets older (now 56) he has become the male version of his mother. I can see more of her in him when he gets on a tyrade. And I tell him so.

    I tell him he’s lazy for taking the easy way out by emulating her personality disorders and lack of respect for others, especially family. She gave me a hard time when we got married and I dished it back at her, with lack of support of course. And he admitted a couple of years ago when she turned on him before she finally got medicated he saw what she was like. Now he needs medication!! And counseling. He went w/me one time to my counselor but he refuses to see he has a problem, just like his mother. But he continues to be verbally abusive and emotionally distant.

    I have been disabled since May 2010 due to daily chronic migraines, depression, PTSD, panic attacks/disorder, SAD, OCD. Each time he lays into me I tell him I know what his sister felt like when his mother laid into her cause I’m experiencing the same effect. But I think some of this lack of emotional support goes back to how these men were raised by their parents. My spouse, his dad was never home because he wanted to escape the witch he married, and the witch took it out on the kids. Fast forward bad patterns repeat unless someone takes the bold move to really grow up and take a stand to break the pattern of abuse.

    • Samantha from United States says:

      Maybe in turn he was also hurt by his mom. If she was this way towards the daughter I’m sure she was that way with the other ones too. He’s following the pattern. Maybe with counseling he could turn his life around.

  2. Carla says:

    (UNITED STATES) My husband and I were married in our later years. We knew each other after high school and dated. He broke my heart one summer and I never heard from him again. When he called me up after 35 years, he said he wanted to come and see me. I was relunctant but agreed. We were married in a month. My family knew him and his family for many years, and my children seemed to approve. I had a good salary position with a large Hotel and he seemed to like everything about me.

    After leaving everyone and everything to live where he did (over 800) miles away, after 2 months everything stopped. He stopped having physical relations with me cold turkey, always saying it was not me, that it was his own issues, although he was fine and healthy, as the doctors assured us both. He has spiritually separated and is on a different plane there also. He comes home and sleeps every night on the couch before 6pm. I lost my job after 11 months and haven’t been unable to find another one. I know I am older at 53 but I have always had high paying management positions where ever I lived. I am beginning to feel that he only wanted me for security issues and now his insecurities have surfaced. I do not want to divorce as my vows were to God, but my husband truly has broken every single vow he made. Before we married, he told my family and my grown children that if I wanted to work that was fine and if I didn’t, that was fine; he just wanted me happy.

    He also has shared with me that he is passive aggressive diagnosis. I have seen horrible anger and he says horrible things. I am at a loss. Your stories have made me wonder if I have made a very bad mistake.

    • Jenny says:

      (USA) Carla, my advice is two-fold. I am not in your situation and so I do not want to offer answers that are too simplistic. But I think there are two things you can do for yourself, and for your husband, that will help: a. Find a good Christian counselor ASAP. b. Buy, read and pray through two of Stormie Omartian’s books, Power of a Praying Wife, and Praying through the Deeper Issues of Marriage. Also get A Lasting Promise by Scott Stanley & Dan Trathen and work through the exercises. And as for your job search, do not despair. Those of us in your age group have lots of good, valuable experience to offer. Get on LinkedIn and look around, network, and pray. Pour out your heart to God, and He will help you.

  3. Michele says:

    (USA) It is amazing how many stories are out here that relate to one another. I have been married for 20 years now and have 3 children. My husband has been emotionally distant to me for about 1/2 of our marriage. He stopped caring, talking, and became distant from me. I blamed it on myself and tried everything to fix it. I read self-help books, went to counseling, made his favorite food, took care of the kids…just everything and anything to please him but nothing worked. I begged him to reconnect with me. I felt so emotionally abandoned. After 5 years of dealing with this, I just became so angry and depressed at both him and God. I started talking to a man online in a chat room. I knew it was wrong and it was how I was dealing with my deep depression but I didn’t care. I talked to this guy online and on the phone for a year before I brought it to my husband. I stopped communication with this person because of how guilty I felt. My husband acted like he didn’t even care when I told him what I had done. I again tried to desperately fix things with no success. My husband stopped believing in God (we had both had a strong faith and built our lives on that) and started drinking. Instead of dealing with issues, he become not just emotionally distant but emotionally abusive toward me. He called me horrible names and even said he thought of ways to get rid of me. I asked him to leave b/c I just couldnt take any more of the abuse. He moved out on New Years Eve and immediately told me he would be filing for a divorce.

    I have been going through so many emotional ups and downs. I am saddened, hurt, and feeling abandoned. I have been trying to rationalize his behavior to no avail. There is nothing rational about it. He turned from God, from me, and turned to drinking to deal with his issues. He had a rough childhood and I believe a lot of what he is dealing with stems from that issue that he never dealt with. His father is bipolar (diagnosed) and his mother has mental problems but never diagnosed. When I look at who he is, it saddens me b/c he is not the man that I married. I don’t know who he is anymore and cannot believe that he is behaving this way. He is controlling and trying to control our kids even more than he did when he was living at home. He treats his teenage daughters badly and is emotionally abusive to them too. Our ten-year old son is treated much better than our daughters and they see this. I know I need to focus on getting myself back to being healthy. I didn’t realize how emotionally damaged I was until I asked him to leave. I have been severely depressed and have been under the counsel of my Pastor, family, and friends. I know that God is here even though I don’t always feel like he is. When I feel alone, I pray, cry to God, and build strength by reading the Bible. I feel like nobody knows what I am going through. I know people try and give advice but they just don’t understand.

    Telling a depressed person to stop being depressed is like telling a dog to stop being a dog. Telling me to move on and get on with my life is easier said than done. It’s difficult to have your whole life ripped away from you and on top of that having to worry about kids, your husbands mental state, finances, how you are going to survive on your own, loneliness, abandonment, court-battles, going back to school to be able to support yourself, medical benefits, despair, and the list goes on. I pray for every one of you going through this. This is the most difficult thing I have ever encountered. It feels worse than dealing with a death b/c the person you loved your whole life chose to leave you. He is choosing not to love me and not to work on the marriage. He is choosing to abandon me and walk away from our family. Actually he chose that years ago, but now the finality of it is what I have to deal with! I have to depend on God and I know he will keep me above the water when I feel like sinking. People need to talk about what they are going through. It helps to know you are not the only one and that people before have been through it and have found peace and joy in their lives. Keep telling your stories and helping others by being there for them and praying for them. God Bless.

  4. Elizabeth says:

    (USA) My husband refuses to hug or kiss me, or show me affection in any way since my mastectomy. He tells other family mebers that it does not matter to him, he loves me the same, but then why does he refuse to touch me and respond with tenseness and pull away if I touch him? When I had radiation, I could lotion up the front, but needed someone to lotion where the radiation came out the back. He would do it, but was clearly uncomfortable. He insisted the redness was totally gone long before it was (I checked with a mirror). He says he is a Christian, but has refused to go to church for the past 20 years, thinks all ministers are phonies, and rarely reads his Bible or prays, so I cannot get him to talk to my pastor. I did have him talk to the cancer center social worker, and he agreed with everything she said to her face, then said she was full of **** and just on the side of the patient (his language has gotten cruder over the years since he dropped out of church). He seemed so considerate throughout chemo, basicly until the bandages came off after the surgery. He insists on going to my appointments and at each one tries to convince the doctors I need antidepressants. My friends and aquaintences see me as a strong and mostly cheerful survivor. He sees me as weak because I still occassionally struggle with my body image in private and because I continue to contront him with his refusal to give me the affection the Bible says a man should give his wife. If the Old Testament law said a man should devote the first year of marriage to comforting his wife who has left her family for a husband, then surely God would expect a man to comfort his wife after disfiguring cancer surgery necessary to save her life, rather than reject her and criticize her if she expresses her pain and asks for comfort. When I was diagnosed with cancer, I lost my job, am now in the middle of treating a recurrence, and feel trapped.

    • Kris says:

      (USA) Elzabeth, How sad and difficult it is for any wife to feel rejected by her husband. I can attest that when a person leaves off the ‘eating of the Word’ there is going to be a great decline in all aspects of the life that the Word brings to one’s life. Going to church is not the KEY but the attendance with a heart prepared and an open ear to the scripture is going to go a long way to bringing about the attitude that ‘sees’ the truth.

      To ‘receive the word with meekness’ is key. To seek the word with appetite as Matthew chapter five describes the kind of heart condition we need to actually become more and more able to understand the truth of scripture as the Lord works in the heart to bring about the transformation to Christlikeness. The heart of the unregenerate is not equipped with the ‘incorruptible seed which is the word of GOD,” which would bring this change about.

      To receive faith it needs to be ‘heard’ …and that require a person to see their NEED for it. The heart of the unsaved is ‘deceitful and desparately wicked’ the word is regarded as a ‘sword,’ which divides the thoughts and intentions …something someone who does not want to see the truth of their heart will reject.

      I don’t know the background of your husband’s church experiences …many churches are not interested in teaching some of the hard things of how Jesus addresses sin and our needs to lay down our sinful fleshly ways. Yet this has caused a lot of ‘cheer leading ‘ fleshly ways. I hope this will not deter you from continuing to feed yourself in the word as all scripture is God breathed and is able to address our different situations as we walk through the ‘valley of death’ that life in this world is in truth.

      Your situation has brought such a difficult thing for women in this culture where we are assaulted with so many images of the kind of women that ‘men find attractive’ …airbrushed or not. This effects women much the way that porn does… not even seeing porn. We feel their are so many ‘perfect’ women out there and men are also duped into this con. It’s great to have a body, which we feel comfortable and attractive in but we need to be loved for our SELVES. It may be of help to learn that many ‘perfect’ woman are also insecure and often have less experience of being loved as the person they are.

      Men are also lacking the knowledge of dealing with their own feelings and often are condeming themselve for not being able to admit the way they feel. They may feel ‘caught’ between the way they really feel and the way they feel they OUGHT to feel.

      I think your husband sounds like a man who does not know how to deal with his own feelings. He seems angry with the cirrcumstances that he has been brought to deal with …it is actually a priviledge and a blessing for him to be given this challenge but apart from the word of GOD informing us of HOW this is so it is hard to view it this way.

      I feel for you in that I know the hurt from being rejected. In my case it was not my appearance except my husband chose to create a lengthy adultery with a woman who was a stranger and yet he risked everything of value in his life to create this second family with her …two children …just because she gave him sex …like a product! He doesn’t love her …yet his statement of love for me and sorrow for his adultery that went on 14 years of our 33 year marriage finally took its toll upon our sex life. I have had trouble feeling OK with him seeing me as I recall so many years where I began to wonder if he was gay since he could come and go seeing me in various degrees of undress and not have any apparent desire for me.

      I had to initiate but he was quite detached when making love and would leap out of the bed when it was ‘over.’ Now I cannot help to feel that I was being compared all those years to the OW who is 17 years my junior. She is NOT especially attractive and is flat chested. All those years I worried over being not ‘endowed’ enough were useless self torture as I tried to discover what it was that was ‘wrong’ with me since my husband wouldn’t speak to me of what I had that was pleasing to him about me. I think the problem was not about what I looked like or had to offer or even what the OW had …but it was my husband’s desire to be disconnected, independent and private and self apart from others. His lack of investment in any relationships to any real depth speaks loudly.

      I don’t think you need to regard your husband in the same boat. I think he simply may not feel how to behave. Perhaps he has not been able to deal with the changes you have had in your appearance but more he has not known how to touch you …I don’t know. I hope you can find some kind of counsel from those who have some experience with the surgery and it’s effects upon relationships for your hearts sake and the sake of your husband’s heart as well. May you learn the love of GOD as it applies to your ongoing life here and on into eternity despite this challenge to your intimacy. Much healing for you and your husband in the future going forward.

      Jhn 6:63 It is the spirit that quickeneth; the flesh profiteth nothing: the words that I speak unto you, [they] are spirit, and [they] are life.

      In the longrun …keeping God’s WORDS in mind as it speaks upon all things …is LIFE and it is HIS Living SPIRIT… this you may do at home and your husband may read and retain it as well. It’s the spirit which makes alive as this verse tells us.

      Mat 4:4 But he answered and said, It is written, Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God.

      And 2 Tim 3:16 tells us that ALL scripture is ‘god breathed’ …which is what the word ‘given by inspiration’ is theopneustos …it is EVERY WORD …that proceeds out of the mouth of GOD …ALL scripture… SO Bon Appetit! Eat the ‘daily bread’ that ‘came down from heaven’!

  5. Irine says:

    (KENYA) It’s so consoling to know what I am going through others have been there and walked over it. I live in Kenya and was greatly affected by the 2007 post elections. After we lost all our property my husband left me for a twenty yr old girl. I have three teenage kids who often see their dad with this girl. They are bitter with him for they see him spend heavily on the girl while I struggle to make ends meet.

    I cried and cried but learned that life must go on. I am coming to terms with this life. While I know it’s not easy emotionally and financially, I know nothing is impossible to God. The Bible tells me “come to me you who that labour and I will give you rest.” If my husband deserted my children and I for fear of poverty, I will never leave my children …God will provide.

  6. Jane says:

    (KENYA) Madeline if you were in Kenya I’d say you are reporting my marriage! Your life is so alike to mine. We were a happy family until 2008. My husband became distant to me, try as I could to talk to him he gave me military answers. If I initiated any talks he would shout at me. I would coil and move away. With time I kept off and never shared any talks and he looked comfortable that way but I was hurting badly. I realised he needed space, which I let him have. From then to date he comes in very late at night and leaves very early. He has kept distant from us and the kids. My kids are teenagers. I try hard to be there for them. It isn’t easy.

    The other day I met him with a girl the same age as my daughter and he tried to run away but I had already seen him. I now know why my husband of 20 yrs kept us away from his world.

  7. Caroline says:

    (SOUTH AFRICA) I have been married to my husband from Algeria since August 2012. He has now moved to South Africa. Once a week he refuses to speak to me and can’t give me a reason why he is doing it. He gets a lot of love and attention from me. He then also doesn’t want to eat or drink anything. It is very hard for me, when is so distant.

  8. Breakfreerut from Australia says:

    I subscribe to the Marriage Messages that are sent out and Marriage Message #262 was quite helpful and am still pondering over it.

  9. Amy from United States says:

    We’ve been married 45+ years and my husband has been distant all these years. Since the day we were married our lives never came together. We only had sex once and he has lived his life in our basement but in recent years he has moved out in his new garage with his cars, work shop, tools and small apartment. We never really slept together for a full night. He made it his business to always work midnights, and that he worked the week ends.

    He has always been a quiet to himself person. He became more withdrawn after spending a couple years in Viet Nam. He has no friends, computer or phone; his life is work. We haven’t said really one word to each other. I have to leave him notes if something is broken in the house. I should have left this very uncaring, unloving, selfish, man years ago. My life would be better, I could have had kids and family. I guess according to my shrink I love all people for who they are and I hate to see lonely people.

    But on the other hand, he has made my life lonely as well as his. I wish I knew what made him tick. Now in my 60′s, I’m getting out more. I found a small church that I volunteer at and lots of people to make me happy. Also I have a part time job that I enjoy at the local grocery store. It’s not much but I’m not at home!!!

    • Cindy Wright from United States says:

      Amy, Did your “shrink” ever mention the possibility that your husband may have suffered from (and is probably still stuck in) PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) because of his involvement in Viet Nam? It might explain a lot of his amped up anti-social behavior and the inability to emotionally connect. When you mentioned Viet Nam, that’s the first thing that occurred to me. My husband was a Fire Department Chaplain for a number of years and we’ve seen the emotional damage PTSD can cause when a First Responder is involved in traumatic circumstances, which in turn causes all kinds of damage to the healthiness of their marriages and family life. Those that are stuck in PTSD just try to find a way to survive and anyone getting too close emotionally would be seen as a threat. It IS something that is treatable, but the person who is stuck in it needs to get help for it. Please read up on it on the Internet.

  10. Valeria from United States says:

    I have been married for five years now. I have two kids by him which are 4 and 2 1/2. He has custody of his 15 year old son. I got pregnant less than a month after we were married. I was excited yet scared and he was look oh well it’s your baby. I have been put down and talked down to in front of his family. He never once helped out with either one of the kids. He thinks that paying bills and working is enough for him and he’s not responsible for anything as far as rearing the children.

    I’m not working and I chose to stay home due to high daycare expenses. I have been told throughout the marriage that he wants a divorce because I couldn’t clean the house like he wanted it clean. I was told to get out. Eventually I left a total of 5 times but came back because either he made me feel guilty or because I wanted things to get better. It’s difficult talking to him because he’s so judgmental when it gets to me or he catches an attitude.

    I have forgiven him and everything… then he started talking to women online telling them how he feels about them and it hurts. He doesn’t give me any money for myself nor the kids…and what is 20 dollars to a woman who cooks, cleans, takes care of the kids, waits on him hand and foot and so forth?

    But now I’m to a point where I don’t even try or want this marriage to work. He doesn’t trust me nor believe anything I say. I could go on and on but now I’m just tired of being used and having to raise these kids on my own. I know I have my flaws and issues and I’ve been working on them but he’s just reverting backwards. So what are you to do when you’re just tired of trying?

  11. Jason from United States says:

    What about husbands who have emotionally dead wives? I have felt my wife be emotionally distant from me for the majority of our marriage. I should qualify that by saying she has been emotionally distant from me… but not from other men. No matter how often I would tell her it hurt me deeply to watch her flirt with, hug, touch or communicate her needs with other men when she wouldn’t do the same with me I would be accused of being jealous, or overly sensitive, or not masculine enough because I had feelings or emotions. I was shut out totally.

    She would share her hopes, dreams, fears, joys with any of my friends or her male co-workers… but not me. I have lived on an emotional island for soooooo long now that I am afraid to feel myself… I wish that I could be as emotionally dead as she is so the passion of all this would stop. What advice is there for us men who have emotionally distant or emotionally dead wives?

    • Cindy Wright from United States says:

      Jason, I’ve been praying for you, looking on the Internet for you, and looking through the books we have and know about. There just isn’t much information out there for husbands whose wives are emotionally distant. Most everything you find out there is for wives who are dealing with emotionally distant husbands. There are many reasons for this, which I won’t go into here (because one way or another it doesn’t help you because that’s not the situation you’re dealing with). For whatever reason, there’s a disconnect going on between you and her. I don’t know if it’s just that she’s a flirtatious woman who enjoys the attention of men that aren’t hers to have, or some type of blockage from her background, and/or a blockage in your husband/wife relationship because of perceptions on her part –real or imagined, or something else.

      But upon searching, there’s a book I recommend you pick up because you might find it enlightening. It’s written by Milan and Kay Yerkovich. It’s the book, How We Love. Kay was cool in her approach towards her husband and he was the one left wondering why she wasn’t closer. I’m not thinking she was open with other men, but this book might even give you insights into this, as well. I’m thinking that this book might give you some insights that could help in some way.

      There’s another book –one that I haven’t read, but it comes highly recommended. It’s written by Dr Tim Clinton and is titled,Attachments: Why You Love, Feel, and Act the Way You Do. Again, it looks insightful. I hate to throw books at you as a solution (I realize that some people just don’t want to go that route; they’d prefer a 1,2,3 solution card given to them, where once they read it or have it given to them, they follow those “solutions” and BAM! Their problem is resolved. But I’m not thinking this problem is that easily solved. Sometimes we have to wade through the hard stuff, requiring work and added effort on our part, in order to get some type of answers and insights that can help us to know how to proceed. I have a feeling Jason, this is the case for this situation with your wife. Either this is about her, or about you, or or about her AND you, and a quick fix solution just won’t cut it.

      Perhaps these books will lead you to others or they’re a starting of insight into this. I don’t know. This may be a longer journey than you had hoped, but it may be what’s required. I’m hoping whatever you do, that you don’t go the “just leave her, cut your losses, and move on” route that you hear about over and over again in this present age. We’re in such a “quick-fix” and if that doesn’t work “throw away” society. When it takes extra work and perseverance, we often duck out for the “easier” route, which is usually harder in the long-run and more damaging (but we aren’t told that before-hand… I’m telling you now, though).

      Jason, this may not seem “fair” that your wife disconnects from you and yet YOU have to do so much of the searching and hard work to get insight and help into all of this, but life doesn’t always deal us “fairness” (in fact it rarely does). I hope you will keep persevering in trying to get answers and help for this. We’re told that “perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything” (James 1:4). You (and she) will lack if you don’t persevere. Please be a hero here and do what it takes to find insights into this. You made vows on your wedding day that include heroism when things are “worse”, rather than “better.” I’m thinking the books I’ve recommended you obtain, read and apply will be a great starting point, along with prayer, to obtain insight and wisdom. I hope you will. I pray for you Jason, and for your wife that the Light of Christ will break through –to connect you again and unite you as God would have you, as husband and wife.

  12. Fran from United States says:

    I have been very ill since 2012. I have been married to the same man for going on 28 years. I wanted to leave him many times because of his non supportive ways. His priorities have always been the opposite of mine. We were both saved in 1986, and our then pastor told us our bed was defiled and we were living in sin so we had a rush wedding, which was pretty bad…

    It has been hard being married to someone who has no goals to better themselves in every way especially in his personal relationship with God. I have always felt alone in this marriage and I’ve always felt like I was being held back because of his lack of confidence, fear of change, and selfish pride. I’ve never felt supported by him completely in any type of way. And now that my health is suffering I feel like I’ve wasted all my healthy years waiting for the man I married to become the man God intended him to be.

    Am I wrong for feeling this way? I pray for our marriage to work. We attend marriage classes together, but as soon as we stop he reverts back to that same non supportive, selfish, prideful person. I’m really tired of feeling like I’m alone in this marriage, wanting to be closer to Christ and to live my life like Christ. I beleive my husband puts Christ in the backseat and only acknowledges Christ when he’s in need.

    Where I am right now, where I live, and even the church I attend doesn’t seem to be working and I believe it’s time for a change and even if at great risk… I think I’m done here and I just may go it alone with my 7 yr old daughter. If it means being able to be what Christ wants me to be and to attain the highest relationship with my Lord and Savior, even if it is just for my child’s salvation and future as a woman of God, I will finish this race even in fear and trembling without a spouse.

  13. Sharon from United States says:

    Just over two years ago my husband lost his job just as we were in the middle of buying a house. I am a stay at home mom with four kids and we’ve been married for 15 years. After he lost his job, his dad called him and asked if he could go to New Jersey and help him temporarily while he was trying to open up another business. So for one month my husband left to help his dad leaving me and the kids at home. After that, he began going back and forth leaving for six to eight weeks at a time because he was working while helping his dad to support us.

    I tried to be understanding until that point but then it all went downhill. He was offered not one but two positions at different jobs both at 150,000 salary. He took one offer and I thought going back and forth to New Jersey was over. I was wrong. He had decided that he wanted to open a business in New Jersey and eventually move us over there. I was so hurt. How could he do this to our family? He went back and forth from California where we lived, to New Jersey for a year and a half until he finally moved us over there.

    Now during the time he was going back and forth there were many arguments because I didn’t understand why he thought it was okay to leave me with four kids for months at a time when it wasn’t necessary. He was hurt because to him I made it seem like he abandoned us when he says he was just trying to support us and do something better for our lives financially. We never really let go of our anger and hurt towards each other and now his is still there.

    We have lived in New Jersey for just under a year and his business is going well. Only problem is he works seven days a week for 16 hours a day and we don’t see each other or spend family time together. We’ve both now decided that New Jersey isn’t the place we want to raise our kids, but he is sending only the kids and I back home for now until he gets us out of the debt that he acquired to open the business, plus the debt we had before that.

    He says he loves me and I love him dearly too. But how can we possibly make it work when we will be 3000 miles apart again and he’s already distant towards me because of the hurt from before? I believe that the marriage vows should be upheld and do not want a divorce. I don’t know what to do to fix our relationship, especially because he’s so focused on money right now and not on us or our family. I don’t know how to close the gap on his distance from me.

Marriage Missions International