Forgiveness And Restoration After Adultery

ron & nancy 9-4.0The following is a true testimony written by Nancy Anderson edited from the excellent book, Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome. Nancy tells what happened to her marriage with her husband Ron after it was discovered that she was having an affair with another man she had worked with. After a long series of circumstances including leaving her husband for a period of time, she eventually came to the realization she wanted to work to put their marriage back together again. Despite all she had done, her husband graciously agreed to do so. When she called her parents and gave them a tearful confession of what had happened, her parents affirmed their love for both of them and expressed interest in helping them rebuild their marital relationship. After traveling a long distance to their home this is what Nancy wrote:

We arrived at my parents’ home late in the evening. After a lot of hugs and a few tears, we went into their family room. After the usual small talk, my Dad spoke the unspoken. “What’s your plan?”

My husband, Ron, leaned forward and said, “Plan? Plan for what?”

“You two are going to have to figure out why your marriage fell apart, how to fix it, and how to make sure it doesn’t happen again.”

Ron replied, “Well, I don’t know if we need to do all that. I don’t even want to talk about what she did. It’s too painful. Nancy’s back home now — we’ll just move on from here.”

Dad continued, “It doesn’t work that way. If you rebuild a house on a cracked foundation, it might be all right for a while; might even feel solid and stable. But when the storms come, the crack will split the house. And the Bible tells us that a house divided won’t stand. If you don’t repair the foundation of your marriage, it won’t survive. The memory of Nancy’s betrayal and the guilt you’ll force her to carry will be unbearable—for both of you. I don’t think you’ll be able to move on until you, Ron, make one of the most important decisions you’ll ever make.”

“What decision is that?”

“Has Nancy told you she’s sorry for what she’s done?”

“Yes, she has apologized to me several times.”

“Did she ask you to forgive her?”

“No, not in those exact words.”

Dad turned to me and continued, “When you tell someone you’re sorry, it’s very different from asking for their forgiveness. Your ‘sorry-ness’ is your decision. But when you ask someone to forgive you, that’s their decision. It’s difficult because it gives all the power to the other person.”

“That’s a scary thought,” I said, without meaning to say it aloud.

Then he spoke to Ron, who looked confused and apprehensive. “When you forgive someone, you make a choice to banish the offense from your mind and your heart. Jesus said that after He forgives us, our sins are as far away as the East is from the West. In other words, they are pardoned. Not because we’re not guilty, but because we are. Our pardon is undeserved — it’s a gift to us from God.”

He continued, “If you decide to forgive Nancy, you can never use her sin against her. God will give you the strength to start a new life together. If you choose not to forgive, if you want to hold on to the pain, or punish her, and keep her wound open, that will be your choice. But if you choose that, I don’t think you’ll stay married. You have biblical grounds to divorce her, but you don’t have to. It is your decision. I want you both to pray about what I’ve said, and make your decision. We will continue this conversation in the morning.”

After a long and restless night, we met again. The three of them were sitting at the kitchen table, waiting for me. I felt like the adulterous woman wearing the Scarlet Letter on the way to her hanging. If Ron would not forgive me, the noose would tighten around my neck and the floor would seem to drop away. I was completely at his mercy.

I avoided eye contact and sat directly across from Ron. I asked my dad, “How do we do this? I want to ask Ron to forgive me, but what do I say?”

“If you’ve decided to ask Ron’s forgiveness, tell him what you want to be forgiven for, and then simply ask him the question. Ron will decide whether to forgive you or not. You ask; he answers. It’s the simplest thing you two will ever do — and the hardest.”

Ron had his head down so I couldn’t read his eyes. I thought, “What if I ask Ron for mercy and he denies me? What am I going to do if he starts to lecture me or list off all my sins?”

I looked over at my sweet, wounded husband and saw the wide-eyed face of a frightened twelve-year-old boy. I spoke quickly so that I wouldn’t lose the safety of the moment. “Ron, I’ve betrayed you mentally, spiritually, and physically. I’ve lied to you and deceived you. I have no defense, no excuses. I’ve sinned against God and against you. Can you — will you please forgive me?”

He leaned forward, never letting go of my eyes. The little boy was gone as my strong and confidant husband took my hands in his and said, “Nancy, we’ve both done and said terrible things to each other. Our marriage was a mess — and a lot of it was my fault. But I take a stand today to change all that. You have betrayed me, but I choose to forgive you.”

We both began to cry and our tears mixed with divine love that flowed through the room. Our hearts were knit together—as one. We began again with a new, solid marriage foundation.

After we made the decision to reconcile and reform our marriage, we immediately sought advice from many different sources. We went to a Christian marriage counselor, who helped us learn to communicate more effectively. We also read several books about “starting over” and attended some marriage retreats and workshops.

One of the most important things we did was join a wonderful church and faithfully attend worship services and adult Sunday school classes. We received solid biblical teaching from a godly pastor, and we acted on his instruction.

The transformation was a slow process. We’d developed many destructive habits, and some of them took years to die. We decided to stay together and act lovingly toward each other, and eventually our feelings caught up with our actions. We learned that married love is not a feeling. It is a decision — and we decided to love each other.

Since our reconciliation in 1980, we’ve completely rebuilt our marriage. We had to destroy the old foundation—selfishness—and rebuild upon the rock—Jesus. We used a perfect blueprint—the Bible—and now our home stands firm.

We also created a new landscape for our marriage, planting hedges around it for protection. What are hedges? Hedges are boundaries. In Mark 12:1 Jesus said, “A man planted a vineyard and set a hedge around it.” First, the man planted a vineyard. Think of your marriage as a vineyard. You “planted” it the day you said, I do.

Next, the man in the parable placed a hedge around his vineyard. Why? Several reasons: to protect it from intrusion by animals and thieves; to keep his vines inside his vineyard; and to separate his territory from his neighbor’s.

A hedge makes the statement, “Private Property, No Trespassing.” The symbolic hedges around our marriages serve the same purposes. As married couples, our goal, as co-owners of our vineyard, is to keep the good things in —and the bad things out.

I also refuse to entertain the stray thoughts anymore. Instead, I replaced them with images of the new life that Ron and I were building. I also discovered that encouraging others with our story of restoration gave a purpose to our pain. This summer, we will celebrate our 27th wedding anniversary and I’m thrilled to tell you that our marriage is strong, loving, and healed.

Adapted from the book, Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome, published by Kregel Publications. As some reviewers have said —which we agree, “This is wisdom born of tragic but genuine experience. Because Nancy Anderson nearly ruined her marriage due to infidelity, she truly knows the misery that an affair can cause. Her honesty, vulnerability, and repentance provide marital lessons guaranteed to revitalize and strengthen couples who are susceptible to the lure of an affair. She does a terrific job telling her compelling U-turn story of rebellion, repentance, and restoration. In the second part of the book, she gives helpful suggestions and funny examples that demonstrate how to create a healthy and satisfying marriage. She has a delightful way of teaching without preaching.” This really is a very good book for every Christian couple to read! We highly recommend it.

Author Nancy Anderson and her husband, Ron, conduct couples’ retreats and marriage seminars to help others to predict, prevent or pardon infidelity. You can read more from Nancy at NancyCAnderson.com.

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137 responses to “Forgiveness And Restoration After Adultery

  1. (USA) Advice please … I am catholic born and raised … I was married to my soulmate in 1999. Unfortunately we both strayed too far from the Lord and ended ip separating in 2004 and divorcing in 2005. We both then remarried. I am divorcing my abusive husband and have given my life back to the Lord. Soon after I gave my life back to the Lord my first husband gave himself back to the Lord. His second marriage is falling apart fast because they have such different views about religion.

    We both asked each other for forgiveness where we each needed to. We have started a friendship again and we are getting along wonderfully. We both know that his current marriage is over even though nothing has been done about it yet. We have even discussed our feelings of unending love for each other and we know that at some point we will be reunited. The problem is that I am growing restless. Anyone with any advice please help!

    1. Apart from your feelings, would you have done Bible reading and research to find answers prayerfully in your situation, now that you are a believer in Christ?

    2. What would you like to tell Christ when you stand before Him to give an account for your life? What is the picture you have in your mind that your life should be like? Is that a picture you would like to show Christ on that white throne of judgement?

      Take time off to lose yourself in Christ your husband for all eternity. Once that becomes real easy by virtue of consistent worship and seeking His word and flesh, you will have answers. Your heart and emotions will be in perfect peace. A lot of areas in life will have clarity. May the Lord hold you.

  2. (USA) My wife and I are are still married. 23 years a year ago she was doing service at a soup kitchen, a cook who was just released from prison, a black man (we are Caucasian) somehow got to her. She was always devoted mother, I thought, and wife. But after some therapy together we both learned a lot about each other’s childhoods we didn’t know, which the therapist claims is when 80% of our emotional structure is developed during childhood.

    I was not a perfect husband compared to some. Maybe I was faithful to her physically but once I did get emotionally involved and lust entered my heart. Physically, I never had any contact, no kissing nothing, just conversations but wrong and I knew it. I prayed often for strength to help me stop because I knew our Heavenly Father was not pleased about it, because it was going to lead into physical contact if I didn’t stop. My prayers were answered. I began to treat this woman different and she became irritated and our relationship ended. Amen!

    But my wife was so blessed she had slept with this person five times. I caught her because my children told me she was acting strange and they thought she was being unfaithful. Anyway, it’s a pretty sick story. She was caught, confessed then attempted to take her life, this all during Thanksgiving and Christmas. She returned from the mental health hospital, and me and the children opened our arms forgave. She said what she did she was sorry for but guess what? She continued to see him and laid with him. He was having relations with other women at this time. I felt she lost her mind so I put a tracker on her car. It was the best thing I ever did. I tracked her to his place, and pulled up. Outside it was a ghetto, I mean graffiti on walls etc. It was very, very difficult to accept. I love her deeply. I was not a great husband but I did work hard to change and to be a decent husband and father. We were Mormons, with lots of good family values, taught no drinking alcohol, etc…

    Anyway, one Sunday she shares her testimony with the entire congregation, comes sits with me, kisses me and after church goes to the soup kitchen, has relations by going to bed with him, comes home and immediately has me go to bed with her. Strangely, I felt like someone had been with her and that he was black just impression, but I knew nothing yet. But as I said earlier, I did find out. She acted like she was disgusted with herself but kept going back. It did not stop until I personally met this guy, told him about her attempted suicide and that she was mentally ill or in need of help. That it stopped it.

    This is the weird part; it all has me mentally sick. I take medicines now to live because of anxiety, sleeping problems, etc… It’s been a year and we are together. I still I really love her as a daughter of God and I want to accept her in forgiveness and mercy as I hope Jesus will or has for me. Today, she admits it was bizarre and she never thought she would let herself go so far. I still don’t know how or if I can stay with her. It is so painful I want to die. Often I’ve talked to many others, read a lot, and will continue to strive prayerfully to love her, and our children. I want them to have us. She’s remorseful and said she’s sorry but has not asked me to forgive her. That’s okay. I do forgive her. Who am I to judge? The Master taught us judge not, for by what measure you judge you will be judged.

    I told the person I forgave him also. It was very hard but Jesus forgave me of my sins, who am I to not forgive another? I hope we make it; it’s trying. I can’t have sex right now and am feeling I don’t want to ever again. This is my concern I have, but I feel strongly inside that the pleasure she had with me wasn’t enough so she continued with this person. I hurt so much. It’s like I am not even here. My mind is in so much pain. I still cry in my prayers almost daily. I know this is what I feel but I also am scared.

    We can make it; our marriage will survive because with God all things are possible. But here’s what I wish, that she would put God first in her life. She has not repented to the church or to God. She blames the church. She gets angry when I talk about prayer. So I continue to love her as I would my neighbor with no expectations at all except hoping she will find our Heavenly Father’s love in some way. I hurt so much. She hurts, my children hurt, I just don’t know. I take a deep breath, pray and hope that I can learn to let go and let God. I want to be like Jesus, pleasing to God. I strive to practice his ways and I must say it works. I believe she will turn to God some day and that if I can find true love in my heart for her like Jesus has, we could have the best years of our marriage ahead. As a man it’s always, did she have more pleasure with the other guy? So I feel inadequate and don’t want sex to be part of our marriage anymore. Does any woman out there have any insight that may help me feel differently about this, please? Thank you!

  3. (US) I just ran across this story while looking for comfort in the scripture about adultery. I am by no means a “Christian.” I mean I believe in the Lord and in God. I believe the Bible as well, though I do not regularly attend church services due to the life I choose to lead, if that makes any sense. Anyhow, this story really hit home with me because my now ex did this exact thing to me. We were together for 3 1/2 yrs. We have a child who is almost two.

    She cheated on me multiple times with 2 different men. I knew it was going on well before she ever told me, but just couldn’t prove anything. Through the whole ordeal, we both have said and done horrible things to each other. The issue lies with my still having feelings for her, still being in love with her, and her not having feelings for me and having moved on and in another serious relationship. I am happy for her in the aspect that she is happy in general, and not depressed anymore. I’m not happy she is with another man, or that he is, or will be playing my role as a father to our son in his everday life, because I am not with his mother still.

    I have told her that I forgive her, but she has never asked me to forgive her for what she did. I was still holding it against her and using it as an excuse to try to make her hurt like I was, not a great idea I know but I was devastated and wanted her to feel the pain she had caused me. We have been broken up since July/August of last year. I have only been moved out for one month because I had nowhere to go so she let me stay till I did. I am truly grateful to her that she has been trying to be kind in order to makeup for what she has done in other ways, and she has even apologized for her actions.

    My only concern now is that I know we’re not going to be together anytime soon or ever again. I just can’t seem to forget it. I can forgive her for what she did and have in my heart already, I am just struggling really hard with letting it go and not holding it against her when we talk about our relationship and where we went wrong. I know I made mistakes, as far as how I started acting towards her when I knew about it going on and she didn’t know I knew. I was mean, bitter, and just not my usual self towards her. I have apologized and asked her to forgive me for my actions after it all came out, and was still going on. I just need help letting it go and moving on from there with a new foundation for my life without her and my son there everyday.

  4. (USA) Dear readers I am 30 yrs old with three beautiful young boys by my husband of 10 years. Last year he cheated on me and gave me an STD. However, I was able through the grace of God to clear it up! At first he denied it but eventually he had to confess so after a couple of months I agreeded to forgive him. I’m so in love with him and so are our boys! He is the soul provider for our home and recently he had been acting mean, withdrawn, and picking arguments to leave the house.

    So a week ago he left and promised he would be right back and stayed gone for 5 hours and wouldn’t answer the phone. I called and texted several times and finally after four hours he picked up with an obvious lie that he was at the gym. We argued and he moved out again. He also dropped verbal hints that he was seeing someone else and that I wasn’t good enough. He has distanced himself from the boys and me and it hurts them so much! He isn’t at all sorry for what he is doing! I’m scared and emotionally destroyed. I don’t have any finances or hope. What can I do?

    1. (USA) Hey Jennifer, I understand what you are going through!!! You have to give it to God, because you can’t fix this -only the Lord can!!! Focus your energy on the Lord and your three boys, because He wants give you no more than you can handle!!!

      1. Josey, I’ve read and understand how you feel. You’re still young. I know that God will provide. Prayers will give more strength. I feel how you feel because it happens to me too. I’m a good husband and a loving father but I’m not good enough. My wife cheated on me and got pregnant with another man. Things change if Satan enters in our marriage. For me I’m thankful that I have a lot of problems because I’m always more closer to God, talking to Him in my prayer, submitting all my burdens. We have a lot of questions as to why it happens to us. Remember God has three answers which are (No) because it makes no good for us, (yes) because it is good for us, and (wait) for the Lord has better plan for us. In His answer I like the most, is wait. I hope that these words might help you. Be strong and prayerful… May our Heavenly Father bless us always!!!

  5. I have been so inspired by all of these posts and it has helped me tremendously. I am 33 been married for 7 years now. My story so similar to everyone else’s. My husband has always been a ladies man and would have all kinds of women from the time we were in junior high, high school before marriage, and now.

    Long story short my hubby was real distant, sleeping on the couch last year October 2012 and although he would pretty much do this from time to time and I would know he would be cheating but the evidence wouldn’t be that concrete. My fears were confirmed when the other woman 10 years younger than myself and my husband somehow got my phone number and sent me text messages and pictures of him and her together out of town. Mind you, this was a trip that he was very secretive in taking, which was the 4th trip like this he had took.

    Now currently they are still seeing each other Oct 2013. She hates me and does everything possible to get me to leave him, him as well, because he lies and tells me the affair is over and information always seem to reveal otherwise. I turned from church and God and fell into a deep depression. I became overly insecure and would throw up his affairs every chance I got because there have been many others. He would always accuse me of doing what he was doing.

    I have now learned to trust God no matter how bad this looks. Difficult isn’t the word. I was a mean cussing fighting machine and I’m learning to yield to God’s way loving. I struggle many days feeling hopelessness, anger and disparity. I didn’t realize that I was idolizing my marriage and him until I’ve become more involved with learning his will. I have repented for my part in the destruction of my marriage. There are times when I just want to give up and separate because this now has made it clear that she loves my husband and she will not leave their affair. Please pray for me as I need strength to continue standing. He refuses Christian counsel. He is not saved. I have counseled with a pastor but wasn’t feeling it was helping any.

  6. Hello and thanks for sharing your story. My story is kinda like yours except the fact that I had two affairs in my marriage and the last one I became pregnant. Regardless of my reasons my actions and decision to betray my husband, my marriage and God are inexcusable. I have learned a lot and have repented and asked for forgiveness from him and God. I hurt the man I love so badly and he can’t bring himself to forgive me, nor work with me to try and save our marriage. I need help, advice etc. Your story gives me such hope. However, I hear my husband tell me he can’t do this anymore one month, then the next month he believes anything is possible.

    1. Trinitte, I wish I could give you a magic formula, and when you take it, your marriage would be restored. But sadly, there isn’t that type of solution available. All I can say is to pray, pray, and pray some more. And as you’re praying, looking to God to guide and help you, read what we have posted on this web site on the subject of adultery and infidelity. Also, read anything that might help you with some of the marriage problems you had before the affairs. You may pick up some pointers that will help you to repair that, which is now broken. Perhaps doing your part in working on your marriage and doing what you can in trying to help your husband with the hurt he has concerning these affairs, might help in some way.

      You can’t force reconciliation; all you can do is your part in working on the marriage and yourself, trusting God that He will help you in the ways that are most needed. Your husband is the one who will make the final decision on all of this. God has given him that freedom. HE’S the one who feels betrayed. You can only pick up the pieces, hoping and praying that this will be enough to start rebuilding a better marriage in the future, if given the opportunity. I hope you are given that chance and that you honor that as a true gift, not to be taken for granted again.

  7. Ok…here it goes. My wife cheated on me twice. I never knew the first, prior to knowing of the second offense. The realization of it broke me. It destroyed my trust on her faithfulness that I hold in high regards.

    Anger coursed through every vein in my body, a deep seething hatred for everything that I’ve done for her sake. If not for my daughter and my desire to give her a life in a non-broken-family environment, I gave my wife a second chance. I did this based on my own accord, not with this “religious” stuff, not with this “Jesus” stuff, not with this “christian way” things but because of my own judgment. But the hatred and the anger still lingers within.

    1. I’m sorry you feel the way you do about this “Jesus” stuff. I know it is the only way you will have true love and forgiveness for your wife. You say you stayed so your children not to have a broken home. Without Jesus your home will remain broken. For someone who is experiencing such hatred and pain, I strongly advise you to hand all of it to Jesus so He can begin healing your heart. This will fix your already broken home and your children can experience being raised with God’s love and protection.

  8. My family just learned about my son-in-law’s infidelity. I believe the sin was revealed due to my daughter’s prayer and fasting for his soul. They are both Christians and were joined as one three years ago. He started by texting and facebooking girls until he ultimately committed the outwardly sin. She prayed and eventually began to fast that she would learn the reason he left her. The truth came out, and she confronted him.

    At first there were many lies and excuses. Eventually, he confessed his sin. Of course, she was hysterically devastated. They have decided to go forward in their marriage. The most important thing I learned through this story is how important it is for the adulterer to ask for her forgiveness. Your prayers are needed to help build a strong foundation for this young struggling couple.

  9. I am a Christian and last night I admitted to my wife that I had an affair with a woman at work. God has been convicting me and working on me to tell her and I did. I cried genuine tears of remorse and told her I was sorry and asked for her forgiveness. I took full responsibility for my actions and said none of it was her fault. I told her I loved her and the children and didn’t want to leave her. I told her I didn’t want her to kick me out. I wanted to work on our marriage.

    We (I) prayed together and I asked God to give us strength and help us to reconcile. I also prayed for His protection upon my wife as the devil will surely try to attack her. I am meeting with a Pastor tomorrow and have reached out to a counselor that he referred me to. I ask for prayer that my wife will forgive me and our marriage will be reconciled and that through this we both will grow closer to the Lord and to each other.

  10. Me and my wife are separated for 8 months now, we having children. I don’t know where the crack came in our marriage, but it is there. Please pray for me and my wife, for reconciliation, please.

  11. I am 24, been married for 4 years and built on a rocky foundation. We have two children, not biologically mine (but they are). I brought pornography and lying into our marriage of 4 years. I hurt my wife and devastated her by doing these things, lying and sometimes confessing. God showed me that it is the flesh that brings death in to everything.

    We have separated now for 3 months. My wife has been having an affair for the last 5 months. Our marriage is broken because of selfishness come from the flesh. Her affair and my porn. Total selfishness! I see now that God wants to kill the flesh (the human nature that is us that lives in abnormality apart from the living God) that his spirit may live. They cannot coincide!! Hope in his life brings life, not hope in what he can give us eg: (a restored marriage) only God can create a foundation of rock. I am seeking him. Though the pain is to deep to utter, there is hope in his life alone.

    I don’t know what the future will bring, and if we will ever reconcile… But whatever the case the Lord is good, he is compassion, mercy, grace, love, rightness. He brings us (in a strangely unexplainable, miraculous way) to live his way or no way, embrace his disciple as I am trying to. Through it I pray for his fruit and life to flow through me for his sake. No matter how horrible life gets in any circumstance, there is always hope in the Lord’s unshakable life.

    I have so many unanswered questions. I’m confused, in the dark, directionless, broken. But God seems to cause me to draw closer to himself. Praise the Lord of heaven!!! It’s not about happiness or fluffy feelings (which I feel none of) it’s about his life, not ours. If we have suffered the death (of our human nature of who we are outside of Christ) with Christ, we will surly be given life as Christ was resurrected. Such a loving promise from our precious father.

    O Father teach me your ways, show me my path in you. Please love my wife as she is broken also and a sinner like me. Please don’t hide yourself from us, please lead us to our death, so that we might live in you alone. Amen.

    Suicide is there in my mind everyday, if you can relate, never give in!!! That is the devil whispering in you ear!! Take courage and hang in there as I will also. It’s God we need to give in to, not the devil of death! Hang in there for dear life! Pray! And hope in his life alone! He will deliver us. Thank you Jesus.

  12. I am Agnes and I have been married for the last 15 years, and blessed with 2 children. I have enjoyed my marriage until a few months ago, when I started noticing unfamiliar behaviors with my husband. Over the years, we have loved each other very much and have always called each other frequently just to know how each is fairing after parting ways in the morning for work. It started that during one of these calls, after arriving home and time moving to late hours without a word from my husband of any intention to get home late (as it was the culture), I was worried and decided to call him. To my surprise, he picked the call and said ‘I will call you back’ and disconnected. This left me devastated and my mind juggled a lot as to what could be happening to him. I waited for almost an hour without any communication. I called again, but this time, he was almost getting home and in few minutes he was in the house. I decided not to ask him where he was, but obviously expected him to do it. He never explained anything, took supper and slept.

    This was just a beginning. After this, every time I initiated communication, he would interject because he is either watching something in TV or busy chatting on his phone. Our communication that used to be very healthy started to die slowly. I tried to arrange for meetings outside home as it was our norm previously, but was met with a lot of opposition. So I decided to give it some time, hoping things would turn to better. Our sexual life as well was started getting dull by day, he was never interested in sex, and any time I advanced, he would always give excuses like I’m so tired, I’m stressed etc. It started taking months before we’d get intimate; this really bothered me, and sent some bad signals. I approached him to know if there is any medical problem, so that we can get it checked and go through it together, but he said he is okay.

    All this time, I had not suspected infidelity, because of the trust I had in my husband, and due to this trust, none of us ever bothered with each other’s phone, and no one felt insecure when calls are made. One time, our son took the father’s phone to play some games. He played games as his father slept on the sofa. I was busy in the bedroom. My son came and continued with his games while lying on my bed, until he slept. I took him to his bed, and continued with my work. Soon after, a whatsup message came through my hubby’s phone, and for the first time, I decided to check on it. I wish I never did, because what I saw made me have a sleepless night until morning. A stream of chats from a lady, some of which were very obscene. I realised that most of these chats go on when my hubby is in the house, a reason why he was always on phone.

    When my husband woke from sleep and realised his phone was not there, he came running to the bedroom asking where his phone was. He took it hurriedly and went back to the living room. I stopped what I was doing and slept. I never mentioned anything to him, but the following day, I asked him why he is behaving strangely, but he said he is stressed since his business is not going on well. From that time, he insured his phone is always in the pocket and when asleep; it is always under the pillow.

    A few months after, last week, on Thursday after having our supper, and getting our children to sleep, we had a discussion over an asset we wanted to dispose to sort some financial crisis we’re in. We finished our discussion, and I went to the kitchen to make some tea. We took tea, and I went to the kitchen to clean the dishes. By the time I was back, he had slept leaving his phone unlocked. I took the phone and went straight to chats. My goodness, chats on coffee dates, love messages etc etc filled his phone, and apparently it was from different ladies, and the conversation was live from both ends. What shocked me most is that to one lady the conversation was all about sex, and the description of performance of their sexual organs. The language was obscene; some of the things you would only expect to hear from prostitutes. I could not believe my eyes especially from what had come from my husband. I took my phone and did a screen shot of the chats, and saved in my phone.

    I want to approach my hubby, but I dont know where to start or how to go about it. This dillemna is in two dimensions; 1 My husband is born again and 2. He is an ordained deacon, and is about to be given more responsibilities in the church. How do I approach this matter to save my marriage and 2, for his spiritual wellbeing? Please assist.

    1. Agnes, I’ve been praying for you, asking the Lord what to say to you, and asking whether or not I should even respond (we can’t possibly answer, nor should we, every comment that is posted on this web site). The Lord has made it clear that I do need to write to you. I have to say that my heart is crying for you and mad at the same time. This just shouldn’t be. …But it is, and sticking our heads in the sand (so to speak), ignoring it, won’t make things better… it will just lead to things growing worse and worse (even though it doesn’t seem like it could). I also have to say that it didn’t take long, as I was reading your comment, to know that your husband is cheating. I’ve seen this pattern repeatedly. He has allowed himself to take a big bite out of the rotten fruit of temptation –something that looks so good, but is just the opposite in reality. Unfortunately, it is innocent people, such as yourself that pay the biggest price, although he won’t get away with this without eventually paying BIG time!

      Your husband may be “born again” and be an ordained deacon, but that doesn’t dismiss him from being accountable for his sins, actually more so. King David is one example of many who sinned in this way and paid a big price. As a deacon your husband is held to a higher standard as far as his conduct. He needs to stop, or be stopped because the longer he goes on like this the deeper he will go into this darkness and the more damage will be done.

      Agnes dear, quit retreating from confronting your husband. You sound like a sweet gal, but your husband needs a reality check dumped in his lap and strict accountability for what he is doing. He needs to be confronted with the truth in a meek way. Meekness is defined as “strength under control.” Approach him in the way God shows you. But first you need to prepare yourself. I call it the “Queen Esther Approach.” If you recall, in the Bible, Queen Esther had a HUGE problem, which she needed to discuss with her husband. But she also knew that there was a right way, and a wrong way to approach him so the situation could be brought out into the light and taken care of. What you need are the right RESULTS –not to BE right.

      Queen Esther fasted and prepared her heart with God in prayer, and adjusted her countenance according to what God showed her so she could approach her husband the best way possible. You HAD to know she was scared, and yet she didn’t let that stop her. God led her to be very respectful, cool and calm as she spoke. I truly believe, because she was bathed in prayer, He honored her by paving the way both before she approached her husband and then afterward as He spoke to her husband’s sense of reasoning. But you need to realize that even if you use this approach, you may STILL not get the results you want –just as Queen Esther knew she was taking this risk (for her, she even risked death for her and for thousands more). However, she knew and you need to know that it would be better to do this God’s way than yours or mine. You have much more of a chance that you’ll get a better result.

      Another important point to consider as you approach your husband is to make sure that you don’t do it during a time when you should H.A.L.T. — which would be a time when either of you is Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. There’s more vulnerability to be less tolerant during those times. As author and counselor Scott Stanley says about approaching during a vulnerable time, “A number of studies demonstrate that we tend to give people more benefit of the doubt [and grace] when we’re in a good mood and less benefit of the doubt when in a bad mood [or one of the above factors is in play]. If you’re in a bad mood, you’re more likely to perceive whatever your partner says or does more negatively, no matter how positive he or she is trying to be.”

      So, the point is, to ask God to help you to discern when would be the best time to talk with your husband. You may still get a negative reaction from him, but there’s less of a chance of it if you pick a better time to make your approach. 

      You have a lot of “truth” that God has allowed you to come across and a lot of truth that will bite you worse, if you don’t say something… such as him contracting a disease and bringing it home to you. Also, the message it will say to others in the church as to how much you should drag out lies and deception without confession, repentance, and humility. You have to know that it WILL be revealed eventually. As the Bible says, “sin will find you out.” Plus, the message this is sending to your children. They won’t be naive forever and it can push them onto a very bad path. These and more reasonings are why you need to do this, as God leads.

      Don’t let your husband try to fool you that he hasn’t “done anything –that these women are just lying or that they’re talking that way but aren’t really following it up with actually doing it” because I know and so do you (as God has been revealing it) that he is doing more than any married man should EVER do with any woman, other than his wife. And what he is doing is dangerous on many levels –especially spiritually.

      This needs to be confronted… soon, but prayerfully. I’m not sure how (it is different with everyone), but God does. He will give you the words as you lean upon Him. Even in your trembling, be wise and do what must be done to stop this sooner, rather than later. It has gone on way too long and is getting nastier and more deadly as time passes. I pray for you Agnes. I pray for your husband and your children, and your church and the community around you. Those who know Christ and those who don’t will be affected… but the effects will be lessened if you don’t delay, except to be bathed in prayer first. “May the Lord direct your heart into God’s love and Christ’s perseverance.” (2 Thessalonians 3:5) “And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ —to the glory and praise of God.” (Philippians 1:9-11) Please know that “the LORD is near to all who call on Him, to all who call on Him in truth.” (Psalm 145:18)