The following is a true testimony written by Nancy Anderson edited from the excellent book, Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome
Despite all she had done, her husband graciously agreed to do so. When she called her parents and gave them a tearful confession of what had happened, her parents affirmed their love for both of them and expressed interest in helping them rebuild their marital relationship.
After traveling a long distance to their home this is what Nancy wrote:
We arrived at my parents’ home late in the evening. After a lot of hugs and a few tears, we went into their family room. After the usual small talk, my Dad spoke the unspoken. “What’s your plan?”
My husband, Ron, leaned forward and said, “Plan? Plan for what?”
“You two are going to have to figure out why your marriage fell apart, how to fix it, and how to make sure it doesn’t happen again.”
Ron replied, “Well, I don’t know if we need to do all that. I don’t even want to talk about what she did. It’s too painful. Nancy’s back home now — we’ll just move on from here.”
Dad continued, “It doesn’t work that way. If you rebuild a house on a cracked foundation, it might be all right for a while; might even feel solid and stable. But when the storms come, the crack will split the house. And the Bible tells us that a house divided won’t stand. If you don’t repair the foundation of your marriage, it won’t survive. The memory of Nancy’s betrayal and the guilt you’ll force her to carry will be unbearable—for both of you. I don’t think you’ll be able to move on until you, Ron, make one of the most important decisions you’ll ever make.”
“What decision is that?”
“Has Nancy told you she’s sorry for what she’s done?”
“Yes, she has apologized to me several times.”
“Did she ask you to forgive her?”
“No, not in those exact words.”
Asking for Forgiveness
Dad turned to me and continued, “When you tell someone you’re sorry, it’s very different from asking for their forgiveness. Your ‘sorry-ness’ is your decision. But when you ask someone to forgive you, that’s their decision. It’s difficult because it gives all the power to the other person.”
“That’s a scary thought,” I said, without meaning to say it aloud.
Then he spoke to Ron, who looked confused and apprehensive. “When you forgive someone, you make a choice to banish the offense from your mind and your heart. Jesus said that after He forgives us, our sins are as far away as the East is from the West. In other words, they are pardoned. Not because we’re not guilty, but because we are. Our pardon is undeserved — it’s a gift to us from God.”
He continued, “If you decide to forgive Nancy, you can never use her sin against her. God will give you the strength to start a new life together. If you choose not to forgive, if you want to hold on to the pain, or punish her, and keep her wound open, that will be your choice. But if you choose that, I don’t think you’ll stay married. You have biblical grounds to divorce her, but you don’t have to. It is your decision. I want you both to pray about what I’ve said, and make your decision. We will continue this conversation in the morning.”
Met Again
After a long and restless night, we met again. The three of them were sitting at the kitchen table, waiting for me. I felt like the adulterous woman wearing the Scarlet Letter on the way to her hanging. If Ron would not forgive me, the noose would tighten around my neck and the floor would seem to drop away. I was completely at his mercy.
Avoiding eye contact, I sat directly across from Ron. I asked my dad, “How do we do this? I want to ask Ron to forgive me, but what do I say?”
“If you’ve decided to ask Ron’s forgiveness, tell him what you want to be forgiven for, and then simply ask him the question. Ron will decide whether to forgive you or not. You ask; he answers. It’s the simplest thing you two will ever do — and the hardest.”
Ron had his head down so I couldn’t read his eyes. I thought, “What if I ask Ron for mercy and he denies me? What am I going to do if he starts to lecture me or list off all my sins?”
Asking
I looked over at my sweet, wounded husband and saw the wide-eyed face of a frightened twelve-year-old boy. I spoke quickly so that I wouldn’t lose the safety of the moment. “Ron, I’ve betrayed you mentally, spiritually, and physically. I’ve lied to you and deceived you. I have no defense, no excuses. I’ve sinned against God and against you. Can you — will you please forgive me?”
He leaned forward, never letting go of my eyes. The little boy was gone as my strong and confidant husband took my hands in his and said, “Nancy, we’ve both done and said terrible things to each other. Our marriage was a mess — and a lot of it was my fault. But I take a stand today to change all that. You have betrayed me, but I choose to forgive you.”
We both began to cry and our tears mixed with divine love that flowed through the room. Our hearts were knit together—as one. We began again with a new, solid marriage foundation.
Sought Advice
After we made the decision to reconcile and reform our marriage, we immediately sought advice from many different sources. We went to a Christian marriage counselor, who helped us learn to communicate more effectively. We also read several books about “starting over” and attended some marriage retreats and workshops.
One of the most important things we did was join a wonderful church and faithfully attend worship services and adult Sunday school classes. We received solid biblical teaching from a godly pastor, and we acted on his instruction.
The transformation was a slow process. We’d developed many destructive habits, and some of them took years to die. We decided to stay together and act lovingly toward each other, and eventually our feelings caught up with our actions. We learned that married love is not a feeling. It is a decision — and we decided to love each other.
Since our reconciliation in 1980, we’ve completely rebuilt our marriage. We had to destroy the old foundation—selfishness—and rebuild upon the rock—Jesus. We used a perfect blueprint—the Bible—and now our home stands firm.
Also, we also created a new landscape for our marriage, planting hedges around it for protection. What are hedges? Hedges are boundaries. In Mark 12:1 Jesus said, “A man planted a vineyard and set a hedge around it.” First, the man planted a vineyard. Think of your marriage as a vineyard. You “planted” it the day you said, I do.
Next:
The man in the parable placed a hedge around his vineyard. Why? Several reasons: to protect it from intrusion by animals and thieves; to keep his vines inside his vineyard; and to separate his territory from his neighbor’s.
A hedge makes the statement, “Private Property, No Trespassing.” The symbolic hedges around our marriages serve the same purposes. As married couples, our goal, as co-owners of our vineyard, is to keep the good things in —and the bad things out.
I also refuse to entertain the stray thoughts anymore. Instead, I replaced them with images of the new life that Ron and I were building. I also discovered that encouraging others with our story of restoration gave a purpose to our pain. This summer, we will celebrate our 27th wedding anniversary and I’m thrilled to tell you that our marriage is strong, loving, and healed.
Adapted from the book, Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome
Author Nancy Anderson and her husband, Ron, conduct couples’ retreats and marriage seminars to help others to predict, prevent or pardon infidelity. You can read more from Nancy at NancyCAnderson.com.
Filed under: Surviving Infidelity
(USA) A very heart touching story. I’m on the opposite side. I’m the husband who had committed the sin. Even though it had happened years ago before I was saved, my wife found out about it almost a month ago. She had cut me off completely. I was told not to return home. I’ve been disconnected from her and my daughters. Her family was told about it and they are devastated by it and are siding with her. What burns me up is that she too is a Christian and she knows that harboring an offense and being unforgiving is poison to her soul.
I’m not trying to minimize what I had done. I know it was a terrible lapse of judgment and she has every right to feel betrayed, hurt, angry, and sorrow. At the same time however, tomorrow is never guaranteed and I would feel horrible if something were to happen to her and she never would have gotten the chance to forgive me. Knowing GOD’s word, the punishment would be far greater than the pain she is going through now.
My only recourse so far is to seek refuge in the LORD. I’ve been praying, fasting and reading his word. Since I know HE can move mountains and fight battles, I know HE will deliver me from this as well. I’ll admit being patient and waiting on HIM is hard. But things will turn around. Last week I apologize to my mother in-law for the pain and shame my actions had brought in an e-mail. It was a heartfelt apology. She did forward it to my wife. I’m starting to believe that the LORD is starting to soften her heart a little because I did speak to her today (even though it was strictly over a financial matter). It did feel good to hear her voice. This, after she told our Pastor that she wasn’t ready to speak to me at all.
Finally I believe prayer is like a missile. It can be pointed at anybody, unbeknown to them, and it will have an impact at some point. The LORD will restore my marriage.
I thank the LORD that you shared this post. May God Bless You.
(USA) Brother, I’m pretty much in the same shoes… but all we have now is our Lord. Nothing is impossible for the Lord… I declare yours and mine and many marriages in total restoration… Amen. Blessings, I’ll keep you in prayer.
(SA) It’s so painful that your wife is failing to forgive you, forgetting that we are all human first and Christian later and obviously bound to err. I’m also experiencing the same problem with my husband. I did not commit adultery in our 6 years of marriage but my sins are domestic- not doing the washing, making him care for the baby, not ironing, shouting at him making him feel inferior and so on.
He is also not talking to me and not forwarding enough support for our children. He even rushed to another marriage without even following legal procedures of divorce. However, I also took refuge in God, hoping He will sort out things for me. Lets keep on believing.
(USA) When I was young I was molested, and as I grew up, raped, beat. I am an intelligent person. And I believe in forgiving. But, when I married my husband, he believed in God and knows the Bible well. I really loved that. We got married, he knew my history, and I told him how important it was to trust him. Finally after being married for a long while, I was so happy. I finally met a man that was a very good kind person to me. I trusted him.
Then both my parents died within a month of each other. We were very close. It took me three years to kinda get back to life. I had never in my life leaned on anyone. But, I actually asked him to give me time. I had sex with him even though it probably wasn’t wonderful, but I still loved him. My heart was broken. I know he knew the Lord so I really trusted him.
Then three years passed and I was on my way back to really doing good. That’s when he went to China for his job. He was there for 7 days. They gave him a girl for his birthday. Then he flew home that night and we made love. I didn’t know about the girl. Then he wrote me this long letter that he wanted to go back to China. I didn’t want him to go back, cause I missed him.
This time he was gone for 48 days. He did things that I can’t even imagine a married man that loved his wife would do with a stranger. When he came home for the second time I knew he was different. I ask him and he very slowly told me everything. I had to drag it out of him. I was destroyed…
I can’t believe it. I love him. And told him I forgive him, but, I am so broken. I love the Lord and pray everyday. When he first came back he was real mean to me and he knew it, and even admitted it to me. I didn’t understand. But I love him and he said he had changed.
Its been 5 years and we have come far. But, I don’t know how to let it go. He violated the trust that took so long to establish in the first place… I pray now for the Lord to let me let it go… I was so focused on his part I forgot my part. Now I am focused on me being a better wife. With the Lord all things are possible.
I need guidance or an idea of how to go from here. There is something blocking me. I KNOW how important it is to forgive. Please share some ideas. Thank you.
(USA/GERMANY) Sis, I regret your sorrow and pain! I’m a male on the receiving end of such a trip. What I learned is that holding on to this only eats US inside out. However, talking is letting go… You have done great harm towards the devil’s kingdom by sharing your story!! Please keep talking with us about the seed the devil tried to use to destroy your home so you don’t wither away in in sorrow.
Your husband must restore your trust in him! He should be doing whatever is necessary while following God’s leading. God is into the restoration of relationship business. Remember, each of us, God had something against! But without a promise from any one us, God forgave and paid the ransom for us with HIS SON’S BLOOD!!! This is why JESUS said we MUST forgive, so that our Heavenly FATHER may forgive us. Believe what’s been said. The grass isn’t greener on the other side. It’s greener where it’s being watered!!! So pour out the Living Water of the Living WORD and release that spirit of fear, which tries to keep us captured… Lets pray for one another… I know this is a delayed reply. So my prayer is that your marriage is already restored. God Bless.
(USA) More times then not it is the males fault the marriage fails. Ever thought you as a man may have done something over the years to close off your wife’s spirit? All you brothers out there, that have lost their wives need to read the following book especially if you are the one that was not faithful: Winning Your Wife Back: Before It’s Too Late : a Game Plan for Reconciling Your Marriage by Dr. Gary Smalley.
(USA) Continue to fight for your marriage knowing that God will restore your marriage. I admire the fact that you didn’t walk away, which would had been easier. Also you didn’t play the blaming game or tried to justify your action. I believe that since you have repented in your heart and have turned to God for the restoration of your marriage, that the Lord will restore your marriage to a much more blessed marriage then before.
God is working on it and he won’t stop until the good work that he set out to do for you and your wife is done. God is working in you and your wife will see the changes in you, which in return will make her change her ways and begin to forgive you. Praise God for not giving up on you and for making wonderful changes in you. So that you can become the husband that God wants you to be, for your wife, as well as the changes that he will make in her so that she can become the wife God wants her to be for you. Keep your focus on God and he will do the rest for you. God bless.
It may be that your wife has forgiven you, but Biblically she has the right to divorce. I believe that God can restore your marriage. Time heals. Give her some time.
(USA) Hello. I must say this story is very touching, and very helpful to someone like me. In my case, I’m the one who committed the sin. My wife caught me with another woman at her friend’s house. It’s now been almost six weeks since my wife and I have been separated.
The day she was cleaning out her stuff, she told me she doesn’t need an explanation… she’ll be waiting on me for the divorce. I never had a chance to talk to her ever since, until four weeks later. Surprisingly, we finally sat down to talk one on one. She made it clear to me that she can’t be with me. I asked her for forgiveness, she said she forgave me along time ago. But she can’t stay married with me because she can’t forget what I did to her. I literally begged her to come back even if she needs more time, I don’t mind. I only need the assurance that she will come back home.
I was devastated because she meant what she said. We are still away from each other. However, from time to time, I would send her an email expressing how sorry I am, and that I don’t want to lose her. I would send her a little text messages here and there about normal stuff. She would reply to some of them.
The last email I sent her was to mention the movie Fireproof to her. She watched it, and told me she liked it very much. But she can’t be with me because, one it’s a different situation, and two for the fact she can’t forgive and forget. I left the apartment we shared together because I don’t want to deal with the memories and it was too much to pay it on my own.
Now that’s the last stop. I’m already out of what to do, what actions to take. I took a trip to Orlando to visit my mom and my sisters. But I’m thinking to myself since I’m here with my family, I don’t want to go back to New York, because my purpose was my wife. Now she’s gone. Please tell me what I should do. How do I act on this matter to convince her and gain the trust again? Thank You
(USA) Romeo, God bless you for baring your soul, but bare your soul to your wife, ask her forgiveness and pray. You are going to have to “walk out” your change in front of her. She’s going to have to see the change in you for herself. Stay in constant contact with her and don’t drop the ball! Little things mean a lot to women, so your little messages letting her know that you love her and thinking of her and even letting her know that what you said about her being your purpose… cuz she is according to the way God designed marriage. Consistence will mean a lot to her. She may not be receptive at first, but God is able.
You have to have a place of your own so that she knows she has to have a place to come back to when she comes back to you.
You not only need to pray for her forgiveness of you, but be prepared to forgive her if she has been with someone else since your separation. A great prayer is in Psalm 51:1-17 when David was confronted by Nathan the prophet about his adultery with Bathsheba, he (David) prayed the “create in me a clean heart” prayer. Pray the whole thing daily. The change has to start with you!
I pray God will deliver you both and make you a testament to His greatness and that all things are possible with Him!
P.S. The porn addiction depicted in “Fireproof” is EXACTLY the same as adultery! Even if it only happened on the screen and in his mind, the Bible says that if a man lusts in his heart, he’s guilty of adultery. Do the “Love Dare”!!! I dare you!!! :)
(U.S.A) Dear Romeo, Do not call or text her for a while. Schedule one full month fasting and prayer. If you start fasting, avoid too MUCH conversation with people around you and your house. If you are a Christian, talk to your Pastor about the situation and ask him to help you, praying with you for the time you start the fasting. Call your wife’s name when fasting and ask Him to forgive you completely and restore your marriage.
But during that fasting and prayer time, read often Psalm 32 and Psalm 51 asking for forgiveness. Cry to God almighty. I believe 100% that after that month with God, then call your wife saying that you would like to meet her somewhere she wants, like the Mall, a restaurant, etc… I believe he will come to that meeting. If she accepts to meet you and she comes, please wear something simple, be silent and quiet for 5 minutes or more. You can read on her face a new feeling, a new beginning. If you are silent and she asks you a question or something else, please say 3 times, “I AM SORRY.” BUT DO NOT HUG HER OR KISS HER. YOU CAN HOLD HER HAND IF SHE ACCEPTS IT, OTHERWISE LEAVE HER ALONE.
N.B: If reconciliation takes place after you fasted and prayed for a month, please GIVE YOUR WHOLE LIFE TO GOD AND GIVE THANKS TO HIM FOR HIS GLORY. A-M-E-N!!!
(UK) I’ve read a few of these comments and I would simply like to add a warning to anyone reading them. Some of the comments are very directive, suggesting things you must do in order to cause God to forgive you in the sin of Adultery, or for restoration to occur. Let me try and make one thing clear: GOD GIVES US FREE WILL.
He gave us free will to commit any and every horrendous sin, and he gives your spouse free will to forgive you or not. In truth there is no incantation, no prayer, no spiritual formula or mumbo jumbo that will guarantee forgiveness. No 30 days fasting, no Bible reading plan, no sacrifice that will restore what is your spouse’s right not to.
The good news is that God forgives us when we repent. His plan is to bless both you and your spouse. But that doesn’t mean neccesarily together or apart, it simply means God wants to bless you.
Whatever your spouse needs to go through, whatever they want to say to you, whatever they want to know, however they want to grieve, they need to go through that. What will hurt is the confusion that the person they would, and should turn to, is the person that hurt them so badly. As a side point, during discussions, you are NOT in a position to correct them.
The fact is that God may restore your marriage, he may make it better than before. But there’s a very real probability that he won’t, that you have destroyed what you had. Unless you own up to this truth and realise the gravity of the situation you can never truly address what’s going on. What would be worse though, is if you pressure your spouse to get back with you before they’ve forgiven you, or even before you have had a chance to address the deficit in you that caused you to fall.
In situations where you are wondering “should I do this” “should I do that”, it’s good to ask God. Be wary of “strategies” to get your partner back. They fail. Instead, love God, love your partner, work on yourself, submit to God, submit to your partner, be outrageously honest and pray that in some way you might be able to have a new marriage with your wife/husband.
Things will never be the same again. You will always have a memory of this, and so will your partner. But God is gracious and compassionate.
-Paul. Adulterer and part restored husband.
Thank you Paul. We couldn’t have said it any better. May God use what you have said to minister to all who read — to poke holes in the darkness.
(USA) HURRAY! As one who is dealing with my husbands 14 year adultery during which he gave into the woman’s urging to ‘give her children’ …that is TWO, I so appreciate your comments. Many sites give so many directives of what to ‘do’ it sounds at times like posing and manipulation …all of which has been part of the problem.
I loved your words of exhortation to seek the LORD and to get into the WORD and to allow that to speak to our own issues.
Thank you for your continuing effort to walk in the way of truth with Jesus Christ …May the Lord continue to work out all thing for His glory in your life.
(USA) Very well said!!!
(USA) I thank God for this site and this posting (as well as many others I’ve discovered and shared over the past weeks). Though I wish I didn’t have to through this, I thank God for preparing me to handle it. I must testify that we all plant seeds early in our life and early in our relationships that will surely bear fruit has God has warned us.
Just as He is true to that word we should know that he will be true to all of his words, and know that he can bring us out of any situation as long as we get out of his way. Please pray for me, my wife and our marriage.
May God bless you.
(USA) MY HUSBAND HAS BEEN HAVING AN AFFAIR FOR 3 Years. HE HAS MOVED OUT AND MOVED HOME. HE SAYS HE LOVES ME BUT HE IS CONFUSED. HE TREATS ME LIKE A QUEEN AND CONSTANTLY APOLOGIZES AND THEN, WHAM, HE IS BACK WITH THE GIRLFRIEND.
I am scared to move on. We have watched the Fireproof movie and he was willing to work on our marriage. That was two months ago. He is now with his girlfriend.
(USA) Sister, this comment literally broke my heart and caused me to cry out to God on behalf of you. If I can recommend or encourage anything, it will be to fall upon Christ and pour yourself out to him. Let him carry all your fear, your burdens, and your misery. Let him heal you and heal your pain. He may or may not bring your husband around, but dear sister, seek to depend only on the one who never fails you –Jesus Christ.
As for your husband, oh I pray the Spirit zaps him with conviction and brings him around in brokenness. Nothing is impossible with our Jesus, just look unto him. It’s almost over my dear, I promise one day there will be no such thing as tears or pain.
If you ever need someone to talk to, I am here. God be with you and wrap you in his love precious one!
(SOUTH AFRICA) I am a Christian woman who is having an affair with another man. It’s been on and off for the last 2 years of my marriage. Just when I think I’m over him he comes and says sweet things which completely draws me back. My husband is very sweet and God fearing. I love my husband but also am attracted to this other man. Unfortunately, I have also been living away from my husband for the last 2 years as I was transferred to work in another city. I need to break this!
(USA) Why don’t you quit your job and move back? “For what shall it profit if you inherit the whole world, and lose your own soul”? Admit it and quit it. Confess to your husband and church and sincerely repent and make a conscious decision to never do it again. Maybe he’ll forgive you.
(SA) Dear Chanda, I’ve read your post and know exactly what you are going through. I myself also had an affair with another man, whilst being a Christian woman married to a great Godly man. Although my affair was more emotionally bound than physically, I do know the feelings and emotions involved in both, must be the same I also tried breaking the affair many many times, just to end up going back to this guy who made me feel so good in every possible way. But I knew what was doing is wrong in God’s eyes.
It even went so far that I separated from my husband for a month, and started drawing up divorce papers. I was adamant to get divorced, to get out of the “loveless” marriage that I am in, because that is how I felt. It felt like my husband and I stopped loving each other, we lived our lives past each other, each busy with their own thing, and although being within a relationship, a marriage for that matter, I felt SO lonely. This other guy was like medicine to a sick body, cause I couldn’t go on living a life where I pretended I was happy all the time. Don’t get me wrong, cause I did love my husband, but not in a way that made me feel I can grow old with him anymore.
To make the long story short, the day that I was going to hand the divorce papers in at the court, my husband sms’d me and said he missed me. It was most definitely God who intervened, cause I broke down in tears and never went to the court.
During this separation time, I continued my relationship with the other guy. We planned a holiday away and it actually felt like I was happy again for the first time in a long while. But boy, the devil is very sneaky. Being a Christian, having studied christian counseling, I knew all the right answers and knew what I had to do. But I didn’t want to, I was so blinded by Satan’s lies, and I just wanted to focus on my own human being feelings and happiness. I just didn’t care anymore about the vows I made to God and my husband.
Well, I do believe God never lets go of His children… we are the ones who move away from Him. So the Holy Spirit continued to gently speak to my soul. After a lot things which I am not going to write about now, as it will take up the whole page, :-), I decided to completely stop and end this affair, to not proceed with the divorce and to move back to my husband and work on my marriage. Was it a easy decision? No! Was it something that “I” wanted to do? No! I really didn’t want to do it, but I told God, I am doing it for HIM and out of obedience. This time, only by God’s grace, was I able to completely broke off the affair.
Let me just tell you another thing, the Word says the truth will set you free. And that is SO true. See, all the other times that I tried breaking the affair, no one knew about it, it was my secret, so I could just never be set free from this affair. I kept on going back. But once my affair came to light: I told my husband, I told my mom, and some of our very close Christian friends, we could take into accountability, I was able to break ALL contact and not go back again. Does this mean I didn’t want to anymore? No, I still so badly wanted to call him up again, I missed him so much!!! And yes, I could have made contact, and still no one would have known. No one except God and myself. But I just begged God to take away this pain and to help me stay strong.
It has almost been two months now of no contact with this guy. Was and is it easy? Definitely not. You see, our minds are very powerful things, cause I kept thinking of him, and the devil got even more sneakier, because he tried telling me.. “what is the use you are back with your husband? Yes you did break contact with this guy, but you’re still thinking of him, so in all essence you are still not being honest with your husband.” This made me feel that my husband would be much better off without me, even though he decided to forgive me and take me back. God bless Him!! I wish I can tell you all, but I would be writing forever.
Okay, so how did I get through this and continue to stay strong? Well, I FORCED myself to not think about him, and when the thoughts would creep in, I focused on God, or focused on my loving husband who took me back. Let me tell you, the first month back with my husband wasn’t all sunshine and roses! It was hard!!! We almost ended it, cause we felt just doing it for right reasons, is not easy. But let me tell you, if you just give one step of obedience, God will honor that and use it. And I prayed, “God, you see my heart and you know me. I want to be obedient to you, and Lord, I pray that when you see this obedience, you will bless me and my marriage.”
Also on this note, let me tell you that I felt completely dead towards my husband. I didn’t know how it would be possible to work on a marriage where you feel totally dead. But once again, I laid my feelings in front of God. See, God is in the business of restoration. He is the only one capable of doing so. Out of my own… I just can’t do it. And I once I got to this stage, when I realised that I have to surrender MY ALL unto Him, including my feelings and emotions, things started turning around for the better. I had to learn to love my husband with a Godly love, and this is difficult for us women, cause we want act on emotions and feelings and live for romantic moments, but God showed me that I had to love my husband the way He (God) loves me.
How did God love us? He offered up Himself. So what did I do? I offered up my own selfish being, my own longings. I “forced” myself to do things for my husband, which I can tell you, I didn’t really want to do. But it is things that I knew would make him happy and things he longed for. Also, taking this new attitude, is a constant habit I need to choose to do every single day.
I can tell you know honestly, after a rocky almost 2 months of being back, God is busy restoring my old “in love” feelings for my dear husband. Just a conclusion I came to myself… I always felt that my husband never loved me the way I wanted to be loved, NOT knowing he felt the exact same way, so once I started CHOOSING to love him and do things for him that would make him happy, I started getting things and love in return the way I wanted it.
I left a post on another topic about affairs on this website, and Cindy said hopefully one day I would write again as not being “sad” (my nick name on here). Well Cindy, that Sad is of no effect anymore. It is now Happy :) God is busy restoring my marriage once I allowed Him to. He is busy restoring my feelings and my happiness. He has given me the strength to stay strong from falling back in this affair, as this is what my human spirit and flesh wanted to do.
Dear Chanda, I know that you know what you need to do, and yes it seems impossible, but believe me, all things in Christ are indeed possible. You’ve got to allow God to work, He is the only one that can do so. It is not going to be easy, and I think you know that, it is actually going to be even harder to work on your marriage now, but allowing God to help you and strengthen you, you will be able to overcome it, sooner or later.
From my side, I also just want to say, it doesn’t happen overnight, you will continue to fight against this battle and this affair. You probably feel this other guy is a good guy, you don’t want to hurt him. Scripture that God gave me, which was such an eye opener to me was the following:
Pro 2:16 To deliver thee from the strange woman, even from the stranger which flattereth with her words
Pro 2:17 Which forsaketh the guide of her youth, and forgetteth the covenant of her God.
Pro 2:18 For her house inclineth unto death, and her paths unto the dead.
Pro 2:19 None that go unto her return again, neither take they hold of the paths of life.
This is a warning against the adulterous woman. And this got me thinking that if I had to continue with the divorce and pursued my relationship with this other guy, indirectly my actions would have lead to not just mine, but also his “death”. I was really taken back by this thought, cause how can I claim that I love and care for him, but was willing to lead him to his “death”? If this makes any sense at all! But this is really what opened my eyes even so much more.
God will bless you for doing the RIGHT thing, He will restore your marriage and time will heal your hurt. It is not too late, and I’ve been where you are. Although you want to stop the affair, so also don’t want to. But take a step of faith and obedience, for God WILL honor this! I will pray for you and pray that you will do the right thing, and that with things that would follow on that decision, that you would stay strong in Christ! Good luck…
(USA) Would you be willing to speak with my wife? She is in the same situation you have described here only she has filed for divorce and is living with the other guy. I don’t want a divorce and don’t believe God will abolish our marriage, other wise it wouldn’t say whosoever marries that who is divorced commits adultery. Would you allow me to contact you and request your advice if I sent you my email? I hope the moderator sends them both to you.
My wife says she knows what the Bible says, but doesn’t care. But a few months ago she said she knew what she was doing was wrong, and she also said that God would not forgive her. I told her that she was mistaken. God will forgive her if she honestly repents..
(SA) Dear Dale, Sorry for only replying now, haven’t really come on this website in such a long time. I don’t really know what the policy of this site is on exchanging details, and your post was almost a month ago as well. But how are you doing? How is your wife doing? Is she still staying with the other guy?
(USA) Sad-happy: Your comments brought me hope. Unfortunately I bear too much similarity to your situation. I’m not as far removed and in a world of hurt right now. I can’t find enough articles that address the pain and torment the “offender” goes through after finally choosing to follow the right course. Please send more. I need prayers and hope. I am trying to connect with a small group or Bible study group and after contacting two churches, I’m still not connected. I’ve been a Christian my whole life. I know God is bringing me back to Him, but this road is devastating and difficult to travel.
Right now I feel deep isolation and even rejection – did you feel like that? Even though I want nothing to do with the “other offender”, I feel like he just let me go all too easily to return to the wife he described in the most offensive ways. That hurts.
(USA) Man I really enjoyed this… I was 29 when I made the wrong choice… You really helped me. I’m now having a baby; we been married for five years and now my husband doesn’t understand how I got pregnant but I’m 210% sure this is his baby. But God knows what is best. I miss my husband. In all this God showed me that it’s my husband I need. I end up getting pregnant, went to the doc and had a positive HIV test.
I went back to get conformation of how much virus was in my body. The Lord told me it would be negtive and praise God it was. My doc took the test again and it was negative. So even in my sin he kept me. Me and my baby are HIV free. But now it’s still hard for my husband to forgive me.
Please pray for us. I learned my lesson. I will never step out again… please share this story so others will trust God and won’t allow their emotions to lead them to think their mate is not enough… One thing the Lord showed me to keep your friendship new… Thanks, my baby is due in January.
(USA) Please pray that my husband be saved and our marriage restored! Please…we are in so much pain.
(US) I appreciate this post discussion. It is helping me to understand the pain caused by the betrayal of ones trust. I have a situation where my ex-wife had an emotional affair. We had been married 5 years and our marriage got into trouble. We were fighting all the time and just being disobedient. This came to a breaking point for my wife and last summer she (I later found out) called an old flame she had known for 20 years and they met for coffee.
One year later things got so bad she wanted a divorce. I didn’t and vowed to work on our marriage and my part in the problem. She insisted and went through with it. I pleaded with her to no avail. Anyway after the divorce was final in about 2 months I find out she has remarried to this man. I figured at this point she had really closed the door on us.
About a month later she is calling me crying and upset. She was having major regrets about divorcing me and wanted to talk with me. I told her I could not see her as long as she was married. I would be doing just what she had done to me.
So here we are come full circle and she wants to know why we couldn’t make it work. She is not happy in her new marriage and it doesn’t feel like a marriage at all. She is seeking counseling to work all this out. In the meantime I am looking at my options for I still have feelings for her.
We are wanting to get back together. She has to do some hard things and seek God in all this. I am not mixed up in all that God commands about divorce and remarriage. I have studied it out. I know God can make things right. As I have read on these posts God can restore marriages. Any help as to my dilema would certainly be appreciated. Thanks.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Sad—->Happy your story and advice has really touched me. You said exactly how I am feeling. I am writing this with tears because I don’t feel so alone anymore and have someone who understands what I am going through. I’ve never told anyone about my affair, not my mother, husband or any friend. It has given me such self loathing and many sleepless nights. Despite all this though, I’m hooked to this other man.
In early 2000, my father passed away from HIV?AIDS. Just before he passed away I remembered all the repressed memories, from when I was around 9 years old, of his affairs while he was married to my mother. My younger sister and I were staying with him and she probably didn’t know what was going on. Even though I was young, I did not like the way he was acting with these women and disliked them. When I remembered in early 2000, I knew it was affairs and in my young mind, even though I didn’t understand fully, I knew it was wrong. Feelings of such hate overcame me such that I could not even sit next to him and avoided speaking to him whenever possible.
I never told anyone about these memories and through prayer managed to forgive him and love him before he passed on. Towards the end I was the one looking after him and cuddling and he also constantly wanted me by his bedside. I believe he knew that I now remembered his affairs and it’s a secret that we shared. Now, I am doing what he did and what I briefly hated him for doing to my mother.
I haven’t told any of my Christian friends either because I am afraid of being jugded and messing up the image they have of my perfect marriage to a wonderful godly man. I can’t tell my husband because I strongly believe, no, I think I know that he will leave me. He would not understand. He would probably forgive me but not stay married to me. I don’t want to lose him. Exposure to others of my affair would be a great embarrassment to my family.
I have tried many times to understand why I am doing this. I believe if this is not answered then I might fall into another affair again. Am I doing this because I’ve been told I can’t have children? Is it because my father did it? Is it because I miss my father? Is it because I’m selfish? Is it because I’m unhappy? I SHOULD be happy in my marriage and with my husband. He loves me, I love him and we don’t seem to have any problems, which is why I think I MUST be the one with a problem. I’ve tried going to a professional counsellor but because my husband is the principal member he would have to know. I really don’t understand why I do it -am I lacking self esteem, insecure, need to be praised all the time, seek attention- I don’t know.
On Sunday I made a decision to start praying earnstly about it, everyday. I am trying to take a day at a time. I have not been praying regularly because I feel too ashamed and sinful to be in the presence of God. I believe God is the greatest counsellor.
Thank you once again for your counsel.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Dear Chanda, Oh how my heart cries with you, cause all that you have described sounds so familiar. So yes, I do understand exactly what you are going through. During the time of my affair, I also had so many sleepless nights, cause I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I just couldn’t get myself to stop it completely. When I did try and stop it, I was so miserable and down, after a couple of days I would go back to this guy. Worst of all, there were even times where I wanted to take my own life, cause I thought that would be only way I can stop the pain – for EVERYone.
Oh my dear friend in Christ, you really are in my prayers now, cause I know how you feel. Praise to God, that you have taken a step in the right direction by looking for the right answers – by finding this website and by starting to pray about it. That is more than what I did, I only started doing these things after the affair stopped.
But Chanda, as for what you have shared about your father, I can also relate to a little bit of that. See, my father also had an affair with a very good house friend of our family. It went on for 5 years. And during this time, my young spirit always knew something was not right, even though I didn’t fully understood. Well, unfortunately the affair came to light, actually after my dad had stopped it and we moved to another town. For 3 years my mom and dad were constantly fighting, and never were us children told, but I just knew.
It even got worse, my parents eventually got divorced – 2 months before my own wedding! It was such a hard time for me, and this wonderful picture I had about my family got shattered. I made a vow to myself that I would NEVER EVER commit adultery, just because I saw how it can destroy so many people’s lives And yet… 2 years later… I stepped into the same booby trap! I did that which I always hated. Those Bible verses in Romans 7 are so true, where it says that which we shouldn’t do and know we shouldn’t do, we actually do.
Chanda, I want to tell you, you are not a bad person. Also remember that no sin is greater than another. They are all the same in God’s eyes, so whether you tell a small lie or whether you commit adultery, God still died for these sins and are willing to forgive you. I also always wondered why did I do it? Was it because of my father? Was it because I didn’t feel loved enough? Did I want more attention? I still don’t know Chanda, but what I do know is, although sin is out of own choice, and although Satan so badly wanted to get to me, I do believe that God allowed it to happen to me for a certain reason. That reason I don’t not fully understand yet, BUT I do know, that God has forgiven me, and that I am becoming stronger day by day, and that I am not a bad person. Unfortunately I just fell into Satan’s trap, but still I was able to overcome it. See Satan never won, cause I stopped the affair and did not proceed with the divorce. So, he hasn’t won over your life yet, cause you are taking steps in the right direction, you are seeking to do the right thing, and God will honor and bless you for that. But, again, now things are going to become even more harder. Oh how I know, I was there. It was the worst time of my life, having to choose to stop the affair, it was so hard!!
Also, what you said about being scared you will be judged by your friends once they find out, let me tell you, I felt exactly the same. See, everyone always thought we had the PERFECT marriage and that we were so happy. I was so scared to actually tell them the truth. But it so happened that a lot of people did find out, and I myself decided to share with some of them all of it. Our God is such a merciful God – not ONE of them judged me in any possible way. Instead they all “praised” and thanked me for being honest, they encouraged me, and they prayed for me, and still continue to support me.
I also thought should my husband find out about ALL the details of the affair, he would surely leave me! There was no way he would take me back. And yet, he did get to know ALL the ugly truth, and again, our God, who is so merciful, I believe, gave him the power to forgive me and take me back.
I want to encourage you to do go for counseling. I understand what you said about your husband being the main member, I presume on the medical aid, but maybe look for a local church who has counselors who would do it for free. Also, get someone you can be accountable to, someone who you can trust will give you right advice, and let this person be a woman. I’ve learned how important it is to not open up my heart to someone from the opposite sex, especially when we are so vulnerable during a thing like this.
I will continue to pray for you, and hope you continue to seeking God’s will and His plan for your life. Please remember it is never too late. God is in the business of restoration, of performing miracles, and my life and marriage is a testimony of it, cause I also thought there is no hope. I will also pray for your husband, that God would start working in his heart, so when the time comes, that perhaps he does find out, he would also seek to do God’s will. I am also going to pray for this other guy you are involved in, that somehow the Spirit would also convict him, that both of you would be able to see the importance of stopping it. Chanda, just remember both you and this guy, are victims of Satan’s lies. You are not the only “Christian” who fell into this sin, there are so many, and also so many that overcame it by the Grace of God! Continue to pray! Continue to seek God’s will! God will make a way, where there seems to be no way. God loves you very much and He will be with you every step of the way! God bless. With lots of love.
(NORWAY) I was reading your comment to Chanda, and I cried because I am in exactly the same situation as you had been through. I love my husband. He is a God fearing man and a loving person. I know I love my husband and I don’t want to end up losing him. But I’m so attracted with the other guy, he makes me so much comfortable every time being with him. We seldom get physical contact, but we talked almost everyday over the phone for more than an hour.
I see myself falling unto him. It seems we met in a wrong place at a wrong time. I am a christian, not just goer but doer in the ministry in Christ. Many, many times I’ve tried to quit this affair but it’s really hard and it hurts! But I know one thing or another I have to make a decision to cut this off from me because I cannot live my life like this. I want my life back, I want my relationship with my Lord to be restored, and I want my marriage be rebuilt again.
(USA) Chandra: Your testimony blessed me today. You story is my husband’s story verbatim. He is yet preparing to leave again. I am heart broken beyond measure. I seek God. The enemy had and has off and on snared me in the traps of depression. I continue to read my word for encouragement. I desprately cling to the hem of his garment and despite the hurt and pain, try not to act in any way contrary to my Lord and Savior. I ask the Lord to let me see my husband the way he does.
I read Proverbs today and it speaks directly of the “immoral woman” and how her smooth tongue leads the man to death. Your words touched my soul because the OW is a Christian and I often thought exactly what you said. If she reads the word and knows that this is what she is, how could she say she loves my husband when the death of him is at stake at her expense? The word says we perish for lack of knowledge. I cry out for my husband’s soul. I am not angry at him or OW, but mad at the adversary.To watch him succumb to the continued plots of the evil one breaks my heart. My spirit is quiet. The enemy tells me lies that I better start talking, pleading, saying something because he’s out again.
I take my offenses to the Lord. I cannot trust what will come out of my mouth because pain, fear and despair will speak instead of the love of God. So I remain silient. I ask God how I am back at this place of darkness again. Please show me me. Your words were a balm but as of this day, I struggle. To read your words lets me know there is still yet hope. Because each and everytime I want to give up he sends help. God Bless!!
(SOUTH AFRICA) Lynne, I am very blessed that my testimony blessed you. Sad—-> Happy, I am so touched by God in you. Thank you so much for encouraging me and for your prayers! I pray that God blesses you and your family more than you can ever imagine or think of. It means so much for me to read about your experience and also to be a blessing to others. I truly thank God for sending you all to this site, to bless me so much. I can now testify that sharing our burdens and praying for each other as Christians, bless us. I am determined and encouraged by your support and prayers to go through with the break-up and get right with God.
Today, as I was meditating and reading Gods word, it dawned on me that despite all that I have- a good career, a loving family, a lovely church and friends, my lack of fulfilment could be because even though I’m born again and a Christian, I am half empty because I am not yet fully living for Christ who can and will fill the hole in me. I have not yet learnt to put God first in all and because of this I seek to fill my life with other things I should not be involved in. He came so that we can have life abundantly.
Lynne, hang in there. It must be difficult to understand anything that your husband is doing, and he probably like me knows the truth and doesn’t understand. Pray for him, the woman involved and seek God’s direction.
(USA) Chandra, thank you so much for the words of encouragement. I actually posted the wrong heading and the response was to Sad Happy’s post. But to God be the glory because we are all in this together. Again, Sad Happy your post touched my heart. Be Blessed.!!
(SOUTH AFRICA) Dear Chanda, my heart rejoices over your decision to do the right thing. Know that God will honor this and will help you restore your old self and your marriage. I will continue to pray, especially cause I know things for you are going to become very difficult now. But stay strong, keep your focus on God and his wonderful promises in His word.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Dear Lynne, I am feeling so humbled right now that my post blessed you. For I was basically in the same position as your husband, and every time I hear the faithful partner’s side and his/her feelings, I do wish that Satan would stop attacking christian marriages, or any marriage for that sake. Lynne, my heart goes out to you and people like Mark and people like my husband who are willing to forgive the unfaithful partner.
I can probably say from being where your husband is now, that it is really hard for him as well. Although it probably doesn’t seem like he wants to continue doing the right thing, I can almost assure you, he wants to, but the devil is attacking him so much. I’ve read on another post on this website, that adultery is like an addiction and once you stop it, you go through the withdrawal system, and it is so true. Sad thing is, so many people are just not able to overcome these withdrawals, but Lynne, my advise would be, although I can just imagine how depressed, betrayed and hurt you must feel, continue to pray for your husband. Lay him at God’s feet every single time you think about it. I do believe that is what my husband did for me, although it wasn’t easy, cause are all human beings with actual feelings. I will pray for you and your husband, especially for your husband and for the things he is experiencing, as i have been there myself. I am also going to pray that God would send someone, a Godly man, over his path to whom he can open up. I would like to pray for you now:
“Dear God, I lay Lynne at your feet now. You know the pain and hurt she is going through, you see the depression that is taking a hold of her life, but Lord, my prayer is that your Spirit would now come upon her, that It would bring her peace knowing that You are in control, and only by Your strength are we able to overcome this which attacking us. Lord, bless her for being the woman she is, for still seeking your heart and will. Let your Spirit lead her to do and say the right things, as we know in our human spirit, we just want to give up. Give her strength, give her wisdom and give her peace and calmness. I pray that You will take control in their marriage. Continue to speak to her husband, Holy Spirit, continue to speak to his soul. Lord, in all my humbleness, I pray that You would restore their marriage just as You did with mine. Protect them both my Father. And already I want to thank you for doing this, cause I know You are a merciful God! Thank You My Father!”
(PHILIPPINES) I’m thankful that I’ve stumbled onto this site and read all the discussions. I’m a husband who is currently having an affair who is a college friend of my brother. I wanted to end this sexual relationship that I have with her but I’m always tempted to go back to her. I’m very vulnerable because me and my wife are staying different places due to our work.
Whenever I’m sad, I tend to message my brother’s friend and there she was very open to comfort me. The last time we met we made love and after I was very guilty because I promised God that I will not fall for that sin again because I love my family and I don’t want to have a broken family. Now I’m afraid that she might get pregnant because we didn’t use any protection. Her due to menstration cycle will be this coming october 23. I’m praying that she will not be pregnant. I know that what I’m doing is a sin and I’m trying hard not to stumble satan’s trap. I want to change, I’m very guilty of what I did and I don’t want my wife to know about my affair because she will not accept my asking for forgiveness. I’m very worried that my brother’s friend will have a delay on her period. Please help me pray. I ask God every night for forgiveness and help me to be strong.
(USA) SAD-HAPPY— I just read your prayer and thank your for your heartfelt words. I felt the presence of the Lord. Since posting my husbands decision to leave has happened. I continue to hold to God’s unchanging hand. For the last 7 days His awesome love has kept me. It is amazing how He connects the Body of Christ together.
How wonderful for Him to give me a personal insight into the heart of the other woman to know her pain and struggles as well. Indeed what the enemy means for harm God will use for good. It had been impressed upon me earlier to pray for the other woman and your testimony confirms it. 2 Timothy 2:24-26 states… “The Lord’s servants must not quarrel but must be kind to everyone. They must be able to teach effectively and be patient with difficult people. They should gently teach those who oppose the truth. Perhaps God will change those people’s hearts, and they will believe the truth. Then they will come to their senses and escpae from the Devil’s trap. For they have been held captive by him to do whatever he wants.” WOW!! The word explains exactly what has taken place a HOSTAGE SITUATION so to speak.
In my previous post I asked God why was I back at this place. God has whispered to me that I was not ready for the type of restoration he was giving me. He gave me discernment and revealed things to me of just how in bondage my husband was to the lust of the flesh and the strongholds of the chords of sin. I was still not broken, I had pride (ashamed of what was going on and wanting to hide it, thinking my efforts and mistakes surely caused all to fail), self-righteousness (why my husband just didn’t get it) lack of trust (continuing to look at my circumstances). It is a humbling place to be and it’s where He wants me.
As much as I did not want to admit it I was making the restoration of my marriage my idol. Doing the right thing the wrong way. God tore it all down!!! But he is yet faithful. He speaks to my soul and comforts me and tells me in spite of me he loves me and will never leave. He is right here with me feeling my pain.What is the most important aspect in all of this for all of us women and men of GOD is THE REDEMPTIVE GRACE OF OUR LORD AND SAVIOR. HOW COMPASSIONATE HE IS TO WANT US ALL TO COME TO THE KNOWLEDGE THAT WE ARE ALL IN NEED OF A SAVIOR TO BE ABLE TO REST WITH HIM IN ETERNITY. It is the will of the Father that we be saved and that we live for Him and spread the GOOD NEWS OF THE GOSPEL. For this reason I will never stop praying for my husband’s soul that his eyes are open to this truth.!! It is an assignment that I ask Father if this cup can pass. But Nevertheless…….. Love you and God Bless!!!