Forgiveness And Restoration After Adultery

ron & nancy 9-4.0The following is a true testimony written by Nancy Anderson edited from the excellent book, Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome. Nancy tells what happened to her marriage with her husband Ron after it was discovered that she was having an affair with another man she had worked with. After a long series of circumstances including leaving her husband for a period of time, she eventually came to the realization she wanted to work to put their marriage back together again. Despite all she had done, her husband graciously agreed to do so. When she called her parents and gave them a tearful confession of what had happened, her parents affirmed their love for both of them and expressed interest in helping them rebuild their marital relationship. After traveling a long distance to their home this is what Nancy wrote:

We arrived at my parents’ home late in the evening. After a lot of hugs and a few tears, we went into their family room. After the usual small talk, my Dad spoke the unspoken. “What’s your plan?”

My husband, Ron, leaned forward and said, “Plan? Plan for what?”

“You two are going to have to figure out why your marriage fell apart, how to fix it, and how to make sure it doesn’t happen again.”

Ron replied, “Well, I don’t know if we need to do all that. I don’t even want to talk about what she did. It’s too painful. Nancy’s back home now — we’ll just move on from here.”

Dad continued, “It doesn’t work that way. If you rebuild a house on a cracked foundation, it might be all right for a while; might even feel solid and stable. But when the storms come, the crack will split the house. And the Bible tells us that a house divided won’t stand. If you don’t repair the foundation of your marriage, it won’t survive. The memory of Nancy’s betrayal and the guilt you’ll force her to carry will be unbearable—for both of you. I don’t think you’ll be able to move on until you, Ron, make one of the most important decisions you’ll ever make.”

“What decision is that?”

“Has Nancy told you she’s sorry for what she’s done?”

“Yes, she has apologized to me several times.”

“Did she ask you to forgive her?”

“No, not in those exact words.”

Dad turned to me and continued, “When you tell someone you’re sorry, it’s very different from asking for their forgiveness. Your ‘sorry-ness’ is your decision. But when you ask someone to forgive you, that’s their decision. It’s difficult because it gives all the power to the other person.”

“That’s a scary thought,” I said, without meaning to say it aloud.

Then he spoke to Ron, who looked confused and apprehensive. “When you forgive someone, you make a choice to banish the offense from your mind and your heart. Jesus said that after He forgives us, our sins are as far away as the East is from the West. In other words, they are pardoned. Not because we’re not guilty, but because we are. Our pardon is undeserved — it’s a gift to us from God.”

He continued, “If you decide to forgive Nancy, you can never use her sin against her. God will give you the strength to start a new life together. If you choose not to forgive, if you want to hold on to the pain, or punish her, and keep her wound open, that will be your choice. But if you choose that, I don’t think you’ll stay married. You have biblical grounds to divorce her, but you don’t have to. It is your decision. I want you both to pray about what I’ve said, and make your decision. We will continue this conversation in the morning.”

After a long and restless night, we met again. The three of them were sitting at the kitchen table, waiting for me. I felt like the adulterous woman wearing the Scarlet Letter on the way to her hanging. If Ron would not forgive me, the noose would tighten around my neck and the floor would seem to drop away. I was completely at his mercy.

I avoided eye contact and sat directly across from Ron. I asked my dad, “How do we do this? I want to ask Ron to forgive me, but what do I say?”

“If you’ve decided to ask Ron’s forgiveness, tell him what you want to be forgiven for, and then simply ask him the question. Ron will decide whether to forgive you or not. You ask; he answers. It’s the simplest thing you two will ever do — and the hardest.”

Ron had his head down so I couldn’t read his eyes. I thought, “What if I ask Ron for mercy and he denies me? What am I going to do if he starts to lecture me or list off all my sins?”

I looked over at my sweet, wounded husband and saw the wide-eyed face of a frightened twelve-year-old boy. I spoke quickly so that I wouldn’t lose the safety of the moment. “Ron, I’ve betrayed you mentally, spiritually, and physically. I’ve lied to you and deceived you. I have no defense, no excuses. I’ve sinned against God and against you. Can you — will you please forgive me?”

He leaned forward, never letting go of my eyes. The little boy was gone as my strong and confidant husband took my hands in his and said, “Nancy, we’ve both done and said terrible things to each other. Our marriage was a mess — and a lot of it was my fault. But I take a stand today to change all that. You have betrayed me, but I choose to forgive you.”

We both began to cry and our tears mixed with divine love that flowed through the room. Our hearts were knit together—as one. We began again with a new, solid marriage foundation.

After we made the decision to reconcile and reform our marriage, we immediately sought advice from many different sources. We went to a Christian marriage counselor, who helped us learn to communicate more effectively. We also read several books about “starting over” and attended some marriage retreats and workshops.

One of the most important things we did was join a wonderful church and faithfully attend worship services and adult Sunday school classes. We received solid biblical teaching from a godly pastor, and we acted on his instruction.

The transformation was a slow process. We’d developed many destructive habits, and some of them took years to die. We decided to stay together and act lovingly toward each other, and eventually our feelings caught up with our actions. We learned that married love is not a feeling. It is a decision — and we decided to love each other.

Since our reconciliation in 1980, we’ve completely rebuilt our marriage. We had to destroy the old foundation—selfishness—and rebuild upon the rock—Jesus. We used a perfect blueprint—the Bible—and now our home stands firm.

We also created a new landscape for our marriage, planting hedges around it for protection. What are hedges? Hedges are boundaries. In Mark 12:1 Jesus said, “A man planted a vineyard and set a hedge around it.” First, the man planted a vineyard. Think of your marriage as a vineyard. You “planted” it the day you said, I do.

Next, the man in the parable placed a hedge around his vineyard. Why? Several reasons: to protect it from intrusion by animals and thieves; to keep his vines inside his vineyard; and to separate his territory from his neighbor’s.

A hedge makes the statement, “Private Property, No Trespassing.” The symbolic hedges around our marriages serve the same purposes. As married couples, our goal, as co-owners of our vineyard, is to keep the good things in —and the bad things out.

I also refuse to entertain the stray thoughts anymore. Instead, I replaced them with images of the new life that Ron and I were building. I also discovered that encouraging others with our story of restoration gave a purpose to our pain. This summer, we will celebrate our 27th wedding anniversary and I’m thrilled to tell you that our marriage is strong, loving, and healed.

Adapted from the book, Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome, published by Kregel Publications. As some reviewers have said —which we agree, “This is wisdom born of tragic but genuine experience. Because Nancy Anderson nearly ruined her marriage due to infidelity, she truly knows the misery that an affair can cause. Her honesty, vulnerability, and repentance provide marital lessons guaranteed to revitalize and strengthen couples who are susceptible to the lure of an affair. She does a terrific job telling her compelling U-turn story of rebellion, repentance, and restoration. In the second part of the book, she gives helpful suggestions and funny examples that demonstrate how to create a healthy and satisfying marriage. She has a delightful way of teaching without preaching.” This really is a very good book for every Christian couple to read! We highly recommend it.

Author Nancy Anderson and her husband, Ron, conduct couples’ retreats and marriage seminars to help others to predict, prevent or pardon infidelity. You can read more from Nancy at


Filed under: Surviving Infidelity

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137 responses to “Forgiveness And Restoration After Adultery

  1. (USA)  I was sent this article by my spouse who I have been separated from for two years. I really identified with both Ron & Nancy. As I type, I can’t help but stare at the scripture band I wear in place of my wedding ring on my left hand. I will continue to wear it as a “hedge” and believe that our God can do anything. Thank you for reminding me that God forgives me of my sins and loves me unconditionally. I pray that he will use this to his glory.

  2. (USA)  I am Ron in this situation. I discovered my wife’s affair on Valentines day. She asked me for a divorce so she could marry an old boyfreind who we both knew in college. I convinced her that it was foolish for her to do that due to the fact that we have 2 young children and he has 3 young children.

    Still, I don’t feel like she is remorseful and I am not sure she is wholeheartedly into repairing our marriage. She arrived 15 minutes late to our first marriage counseling appointment. Fortunately I had the time wrong so she was 45 minutes early. She was angry that I got the time wrong. What am I doing? Why do I continue to take this abuse? I know the answer, my 8 and 10 year old children. How can she be so selfish and reckless to risk the welfare of our children? She was supposed to be protecting them as I am at all costs.

    Maybe our marriage is not perfect, but I cannot reconcile her actions to those problems and the welfare of our children. I pray that my wife and I can reach a similar conclusion as this story, but it sure does not feel like it right now.

  3. (UGANDA)  Dear Cindy, I am a 35 year Christian old woman who has been married seven years. My husband has never shown any affection towards me whether in public or in the privacy of our home and yet this is something I crave for. I have approached him about this and he’s done nothing about it. Over the years I stopped expecting that from him but I am slowly getting emotionally attached to another man (who happens to be my husband’s friend). I do not want sex from this man but I know that is almost inevitable.

    On top of that, my husband seems to give more time and attention to his friends and on many occasions has chosen to be with them, particularly on my birthdays anniversaries…etc. One night when the children were sick (5 yr old and 3 yr old) I called him to help me (we lived on the fourth floor and had to carry them down the stairs). He refused. I carried them both down the stairs to hospital and back. My husband came home at 3 am in the morning. He didn’t ask about the kids. This has happened so often that I do not call him for help anymore but call this other man (who is always willing and ready to help).

    I avoid going anywhere with my husband coz when we are in the company of his friends he treats me like an intruder. So whenever we go somewhere together we part ways the moment we get there. I have heard rumors of infidelity on his part, but I am at a point where I have ceased to care. On top of that we have not had sex (with each other) for the last four years. I am just waiting for a good reason to leave him.

    I have prayed about it and God has been good thus far and kept me from doing something I will regret. But it is getting harder for me to resist the temptation. Something has to change coz my kids are getting older and I do not want them to assume that marriage is designed to be like this. How do I love my husband again? How do I forget the hard times? How do I move on? I need to laugh with him, cry with him…. I am still lost…

  4. (YAKIMA)  To every man and woman who have been through and at this very moment are going through pain, let me tell you to stand and see the glory of God! I went through this in my marriage. My husband had many affairs, I was hurt beyond words. But God told me that he saw my pain and would restore what the locusts have eaten.

    For the one cheating! Hear me good! What’s done in the dark will come to the light! God is not mocked, you will reap what you’ve sown. God took my husband who was full of pride, lust and brought him to his knees! How? My husband is sitting in a prison cell now for 16 years for drugs his lovers said he had. My husband was tricked into pleading guilty and got 24 years federal time. God used the very evil my husband showed towards me, a woman after God’s heart, and returned it back on his own head.

    My husband was sent back to his country 14 years ago. I have not gone for one visit during the time my husband has been in prison. God took everything away from my husband and got his full attention! We talk almost daily, that prideful 27 year old man, now 45, is a new creature in Christ. Although the chances of getting his federal sentence reduced is slim, doors are being opened by God and God has promised me a surprise homecoming.

    So my point is, God never left you. He sees your pain. Trust me, move out of the way and let God and the devil have a show down. God won’t fight your battle until you move out the way. That means stop begging your mate to come home! Put down the weapons of flesh! God’s way comes with a full satisfaction guaranteed!

    I have been married 19 years to my husband who I promised to love the rest of my life. It hasn’t been easy raising our 2 children away from their dad. But as God put it, my husband needed someone in one time with our Heavenly Father. How do I know this is all God’s plan? Everything God was going to do he told me a year before it happened that he was taking my husband out of my life and that he’ll make the time go fast.

    When I decided to attempt to get a divorce, God put up road blocks and said, stay in your marriage. My children are 16 and 23. I did it God’s way and received beauty for ashes! You may play the affair a million times a day in your mind for a while. God let me lick my wounds and try to sort everything out my way. When God was done watching me carry what was never mine, he said very clearly move out the way! It has been a hard journey, but I obeyed and I am blessed! My marriage has been restored!!

    There will be haters, saying you’re crazy and move on. I say are you a victim, or a victor? The devil is a liar! I want to share with the one who is on the verge of giving up. We must all go through trials, but in the end, if you let go let God, the blessings will knock the devil off his perch!

    In case anyone may be wondering why I didn’t run to my husband’s side, it’s because the Lord in every way, led me where he wanted me to go and my life is very blessed. My husband asked for forgiveness years ago but wants everyone to know he learned his lesson the hard way. Thanks to God for changing him instead of his having to spend eternity in hell!

    He thanks me everyday for standing by him through all the pain he caused me. All I now say is the past is over. My God said he will return my husband and it’s coming at any moment! I believe and receive in Jesus name! I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for God! So I ask this question, is there anything too hard for God?

  5. (USA)  I am married 16 years to my husband. Prior to us getting married, my husband had a problem with going out to nightclubs. At first, I used to go with him, and it was fun. But after several years (4 yrs before we married) I grew tired of it. I thought he would get the partying out of his system but, even after we were married he continued. I would complain, and I came off as the nag.

    Anyway, during our first year of marriage, he started having an affair. At first I could not put my hand on it, because I loved him, and could not bare it. Then one day, he said he was going out of town to visit his sister, but left a day before. He stayed out all night. I found out from a friend. When I confronted him, he lied, and then I took him to the airport and sent him to see his sister (I had to babysit at the airport)!!! When I came home I called up one of his friend’s wives and poured my heart out to her, of the night before, etc. That wife told her husband who was my husband’s friend that he needed to tell me the truth. That night, all of his friends walked into my home to tell me he was having an affair with some girl. I called him up in New York at this sister’s home and basically threw him out.

    He hurried and came home, and packed all his things and left. We were separated for 2 weeks… but then reconciled. He kept denying the affair, and would not talk about it. We somehow picked up the pieces and moved on. We had children, but during the interim of our marriage, the subject kept coming up, and coming up. I became obsessed with wanting to know the truth of the affair and he wouldn’t talk about it. I became insecure everytime I saw him even glance at another woman’s direction… I became dysfunctional. I would even give him a hard time when he hung out with friends. I was always insecure, always afraid that one day he would leave me… because he always made others precedent over me…

    We became Christians, and he did change his life and tried to be a Christian, but I couldn’t let that go, and I couldn’t give it to God. It took root inside me. So we backslid. When we backslid we became miserable and kept on fighting. My insecures became worse and we started reverting back to our old ways… with drinking socially, etc. Finally one day we just kept fighting, and he told me straight out that he no longer was in love with me, and something inside of him died… He said that He created that monster I had in me… But I was wrong for never forgiving him. He never asked for forgiveness, nor did he say he was sorry, until recently, and it’s only because I couldn’t help myself from fighting with him.

    Anyway, he removed himself from our bedroom 4 months now. He said he needs time to think. In the meantime he started hanging out with friends from the past… and just recently hung out all night long… and came home just in time to go to work. I do not know who this person is any longer… I have asked him forgiveness for my unforgiveness, and I told him I want to work on the marriage… And never to look back any longer… To start new from here on. He does not want to. Everytime, I speak to a sister from church, she keeps telling me the order of God, and to just do my wifely duty and keep praying for him. I have. I have asked the Lord many times to forgive me for how rebellious I was… and to restore my marriage. The situation keeps getting worse.

    I still pray for him… But I cannot stand who he has become. I am debating within myself to file a separation…(Oh, I have asked him in the past, to just leave, and live his life how he wants it with those friends..) He’s behaving like a teenager, mind you, we are both 40. I cannot stomach this. He joined a Gym, got his body in shape, and is dressing like a teenager with tight fitted clothes etc… I cannot stand to look at him, and I seriously detest him. I am giving this marriage until the first of September when we get some money from my trust and I am contemplating giving him 1/2 to get his own place. Right now, our finances do not allow for him to maintain an apartment and the mortgage. I am so sorry about this, but he says he cannot forgive me for 14 years of persecuting him, acccusing him of things he wasn’t doing etc. But, I believe there is more to the story than what he is saying.

    Please, if someone can give me good advice before September 2011, I would appeciate it… I have tried everything I could… And I just want this sour marriage to go away as peacable as possible, because I don’t have the strength to fight and should and carry on anymore… I just want Peace in my life again.

    1. (USA) Joy, there are some seriously mixed-up issues going on here. He commits adultery and then is angry at you for not forgiving him soon enough– that YOU’RE the wrong one here? And now he’s catting around, dressing like a crazed teenage boy, is sleeping apart from you so HE can think, spending nights away and accuses you of “not trusting” him… and you are thinking of giving him money in a few weeks because he can’t maintain his lifestyle apart from you? If he wants to cat around, why do you have to help him to maintain an apartment?

      Yes, 14 years is a long time, but it’s not the unforgivable sin. That doesn’t justify paying him and enabling him to go even deeper into an unhealthy lifestyle. If he wants to “think” outside of the marriage, shouldn’t he do it without you paying him? I believe the money would be better invested in getting some serious MARRIAGE-FRIENDLY counseling TOGETHER — not apart, and certainly not apart in such a way that he can play while he “thinks.” If he wants to play, he should find a way to pay. If he wants to “think” he should do it WITH you, with a marriage counselor or coach who will help you think together, rather than in opposition.

      This is all just my opinion. You need to pray about it, and decide on this on your own. You want the “sour marriage” to go away… but I don’t think enabling poor behavioral choices in your husband is the way to go. I pray the best for you. I encourage you to draw near to God, asking for wisdom and guidance, with or without your husband. We all stand alone before God… I pray you will stand WITH the Lord, rather than continuing to back away from Him. He loves you and will help you as you put your hand into His.

  6. (EIRE)  At this point in my marriage I am so bitter, one week, one trouble. No quality time spent as a couple, any reason for an argument to ensue. It’s really frustrating and like someone rightly said, I don’t want my children thinking this is what marriage is all about.

    Basically, I cheated on my husband during our engagement and boy! have I known little or no peace. This was revealed to him over a year after it happened. 9 months later he left me after telling his parents first and came back 4 months later after my father died saying he wanted to know ‘how much of me he’ll miss’ during which time he was staying in the guest room. I had seen interesting text messages between him and his colleague while I was 7 months pregnant, noticed he invited his old girlfriend back on his Facebook page (fought over that) and saw a receipt for a condom (which he denied buying). We’ve been trying to patch things up ever since but my past keeps rearing its ugly head. I really don’t think he has forgiven me even as the marriage is approaching its 6th year and I’m pregnant with our 3rd kid at the moment.

    He behaves like he doesn’t feel I deserve to be shown affection. At this point I’m even tired of asking him to tell me he loves me. In our last big argument I discovered that it would please him if the other guy was living a miserable life. Then it would make up for the unhappiness he and we, by extension, are going through.

    He tells me I don’t respect him and that I should belittle other people for his sake when we are in public. This whole situation had reduced his faith in God. He’s made wrong financial decisions that are still costing us till now and has terribly reduced his level of self-esteem. I dare not complain as he sees it as me comparing him to the other man, even when I’m sure he’s hurting me.

    Besides all this is the fact that we never truly courted each other and got to know each other before the wedding. We had about 2 or 3 dates after which he leaves the country, comes back about 2 yrs later to engage me and I never saw him again until a year and 8 months, the week of the wedding (the affair took place a year after he left). Sometimes I truly think in my heart that I wanted to marry him but I didn’t realize I wasn’t prepared for marriage.

    Until my heart is fully renewed, I just might not be so good an influence on young girls who are planning to get married. I study the word as much as I can and I try to inundate myself with God’s word but when he begins to disrespect me or treat me like I don’t matter, it really vexes my spirit.

  7. (USA)  I find the openness of those sharing on both sides very helpful. I cannot truly understand how my wife cheated. She doesn’t talk much nor wants to go over problems. I thought we were doing good. I was with her and supportive on many things to the day of the physical affair. I found out months later what actually happened. Initially I became aware of her going to bars with girlfriends. Then I found out about texting and encounters. My wife, who I love very much and would give twenty years of my life to not have this happen, became immoral. Multiple men were involved but she says only sex with one. She never admitted but I found out everything through investigation and confrontation. I still feel half dead sometimes. I lost 12 pounds the first month and was getting sick.

    We both met in church and had a Christian wedding, many Christian friends and close family until the last 3 years. She approached mid life and I want to blame chemicals and temporary insanity because I can’t see how my high school sweetheart could do this. She became a mean and hateful person at moments. She said the last twenty year was living hell. She said that in a hateful moment. We had many loving letters, cards, emails over even the last years. So I believe she was trying to justify what she did and was ashamed. But it is her nature to blame others and not accept fault. She believes that would be weakness and I am more sensitive one.

    She told me recently she used to think for a long time that I was weak. I cry. I get emotional. I talk very detailed. I ended up doing tons of reading and research on how and why this happens. Conclusion? We are both sinners saved by grace who lost our minds and gave ourselves over to certain lusts and lies we believed. I was too controlling. She was too unforgiving and hopeless to see and feel good things. Occasionally I cheated on her when I viewed porn, 2 or 3 times a year. I would lust and masturbate as I allowed myself to be pulled into temptation. Sometimes I was even looking for adult toys she wanted and ventured off the products page.

    What is it that makes that stuff so alluring? I feel so ashamed but find it like a drug. It’s been 7 months since I did that but I know I am vulnerable.

    Since my wife cheated my world has been destroyed. All the things I thought we would avoid and preserve the sanctity and be protected by the hedge of God, gone. We stepped out of his protection. I have thought of murder, suicide, running away, but mostly crying, journaling, walking, praying. I’m in counseling but she is not.

    Since that time she has fallen in love with me. I’ve changed ways I thought towards her. I stopped being so lazy and complaining. I don’t want to go to prison or hurt my family so I haven’t done anything to cause that. I have cried out to God and ask him DAILY to fill me with love and grace that can overflow from me to her. I have forgiven her, even those men, but have taken that back as God will take the matter. I know it’s really not even the other men but the heart and character flaw of my wife.

    I’m not saying I am totally innocent as I already admitted, but I am saying when it got down to the decision for her to take off her pants, she chose not me, so I can’t take blame for that. I choose to forgive her as I need forgiveness and don’t want to destroy my entire life. We’ve been together for nearly 25 years and have had a long history and rich life together. She made a colossal mistake and crushed my heart but I forgive her. I have asked forgiveness for all I did too and she forgave.

    GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO MY SWEET BABY? I love her so much. Oh God please heal my open wounded heart as it still pangs and tears flow sometimes everyday, even after so long. The deep love I have is evident but my mind plays tricks and I think stuff like ending it all and look up weird things in google about how to die or cheating in revenge.

    I almost went on a cheating website and looked for a date to revenge cheat. I don’t want that guilt and couldn’t face my kids if I did that but I almost went onto a porn site. Me and wife have had sex many times since the affair and now our health is worse and sex is not as satisfying. A few months ago, it was almost pornographic but now is almost sad. I used something that others say helps them and no affect.

    She assures me over and over and over that she thinks we have good sex life and she is satisfied but I can’t help feel we don’t, both for me and for her. I even am ok that she uses topical massager to help climax which she does often. I love her very much and want to be with her rest of my life. If she cheats again I will divorce as I couldn’t live through it again. My son is also in counseling and my kids had suffer in school and more. I have been attacked by Satan and never imagined in life I would ever have these issues. God please give me wisdom how to handle myself and this life and restore all to your glory.

  8. (USA)  WOW…these posts sure have hit home with me. Where…do I begin??? I could write a novel, so I’ll try to keep this brief. I was brought up in the church…and became a Christian at an early age. Had a “good” marriage…as I was married to another believer. After years of marriage…started finding things…and hub was a porn addict….and I mean addict!! Huge stashes of mags and videos…this went on and on…year after year…I would throw it away…always find more…wounded my spirit…and I just could not understand it. Not only that, but tore away at my self image. I felt like I was at fault. I wasn’t good enough, or pretty enough..etc.

    Well, after of all things a medication change he suddenly wasn’t interested in that anymore and we also didn’t have any intimacy. I didn’t care so long as the porn was gone!!! After 4 years of not having any HE came to me and told me to go out and get a boyfriend and it was ok with him so long as we didn’t divorce. Now I’m trying to wrap my brain around this. I remember years ago listening on a radio station about a woman who said “oh and I thought I would never have an affair…but it happened to me”.

    WELL folks here I am…so one thing leads to another and I had me an affair…with my hubs permission mind you. Goes against EVERYTHING I was raised to believe in. So, we only saw each other 8 times over 2 years (he was far away) and then I ended it. WELL, here is my problem…I keep getting drawn into reading the “personal” ads if ya will on a site….I have reached out many times….writing…and my own personal boredom doesn’t help matters. Again my hub in the last few years started getting testosterone injections (at the Drs permission), thus, guess what??? PORN addiction and in full speed ahead. Now mags and DVDs. I have gotten to the point where I just threw up my hands and gave up….honestly, I don’t go where he is in the evening…so he can be alone. He prefers it over me; we haven’t been together in well over 8 years and I don’t want to be with him but I will not get a divorce.

    To add to this, I have now met a very intelligent man, who is doing this for the first time. He is married and not saved and here I am telling him about what I did. I’m on the edge of doing it again and I don’t want to, and yet I miss someone intelligent to talk to, laugh with. It is nice to talk with someone who isn’t yelling at me, making fun of my appearance, etc.

    That is all…I just haven’t read too many comments on here…and I’m asking anyone who has ever walked and lived with the spouse as a porn addict…please speak out…I know it has to be more common than not….we all struggle…and what a blessing to help each other out….Thanks for reading!!!

  9. (USA)  I know I was sexually excited around 8. There was porn in the home as a teenager and I snuck around and dug it out. It ruined my life.

    Between the ages of 12 and 17 you would think I was trying to break some kind of record for where and how many times I masturbated. I say that with a smile now but I can tell you it was never done without guilt and shame. As much as I wanted to stop, it would build up and I couldn’t see a way out.

    Then I met my last girlfriend. I thought we could quell the burning and enjoy each other, as God intended. I was almost 100% wrong. I thought she was still teasing me after we married but she just has a much Lower libido than me. I realize now that I put a lot of pressure on her to have sex.

    Anyway, rarely I would run into a web site or let my mind wander and be faced with this again. I started masturbating this year to take some pressure off my wife after talking with an older friend with a different view point.

  10. (USA)  Well, to be honest… my husband has always preferred it over me! It was always his thing… then he went sometime without it and would state he couldn’t believe how much time and money he wasted on it. Well, once his drive came back it came back with a vengeance. Then he would show me articles about how men are “wired” that way, it is “normal”… Um… whatever.

    IF I were to even mention anything with the “M” word… he will become very angry and start screaming. My personal favorite was when he told me he was doing this “for us”. Well, in 16 years it hasn’t helped yet (improving or helping us) so I’m just giving up. No need to beat a dead horse here. I can’t have sex with someone who is more turned on by his paper/video fantasies than he is by me. And some of the stuff that I’ve seen that he looks at is beyond preverted… it makes me want to puke!!! I prefer to agree to disagree here.

  11. (USA)  Please tell me how to forgive and forget my brother in law’s adulteries. My sister is willing to forgive but we do not trust my brother in law’s repentance. We have a large family and we all have a big doubt about him. My husband was more deeply hurt because so many Christian men have fallen into adulteries or divorce and gay life. These men are pastors and priests or elders in church. I myself know that I need to forgive my brother in law but I worry my sister will get hurt again.

    How can I be sure that I forgave him? I know that I need to forgive him. I myself, was forgiven by God.

    1. (USA)  You may indeed have a deep struggle with forgiveness because the hurt is so great. I believe forgiveness is essential for love to flow and a healthy life. You really don’t want to go around feeling like the victim all the time or that the pain was so bad that you hold on to it as if in someway it will ever make sense or the past be changed. IT WON’T!!! DANG IT, IT WON’T!!!

      So the way I am working through my greatest pain ever right now is remembering that all sins required the blood of Christ to be forgiven. I need forgiveness. So do those who have hurt me. Revenge belongs to God and he does not want me to carry that. My shoulders are not that big but his are. My God will wipe away all my tears and He will restore all that was lost. He has never betrayed me. He has always loved me. His love flows through me as I love and forgive others.

      That even feels better when I am conscious of the tenderness I now show my wife who at some point hated me. It all happened so fast. But she was holding things for years she NEVER shared. I love her and it feels so good to be good to her. I can’t imagine why I wasn’t always like this.

      Just to clarify on the masterbation and pornography I wrote about. I never liked that more than her. For me, I felt awful but I think at times was mad or blamed her for not meeting my needs. SCREAM!!!!!!! It was NEVER her fault. My usage was very low at a few times a year. Mostly I think I am dealing with a codependent problem.

      Be careful how much you want to judge or give up or are mad. I believe the devil takes advantage of our strong emotions and we end up making catastrophic mistakes. The grass is always greener. That’s why we do stuff that hurts us. We leave the safety and good things we are blessed with. We call good things a curse. We rage against the unmet expectations.

  12. (KENYA)  I greet you all in the name of our Lord and our Savior Jesus Christ. Mine is a heart breaking story. I realized late last year that I have been suffering from sexual addition that I trace back to my teens. I took a step in faith to stop this act because I love my Lord Jesus Christ very much. I know I hurt my Lord and my God badly. I begged for forgiveness and deliverance.

    The Lord did not let me down. I stopped watching porn, seeing prostitutes and greatly reduced sexual activity. I say reduced because I have fallen a few times and keep praying that my Lord will deliver me fully.

    On my side, my marriage is on the verge of falling apart because I realized my wife was not faithful and my fear is that she can never be faithful. We separated though she wants the marriage to continue. During this period of separation I took it upon myself to take the Word of God to one of a prostitutes I was involved with and I can see a ray of light that she can change and change others. Suddenly God has restored my marriage.

    Pray for me to change others in this sin, especially the prostitutes because no one loves them. But I believe God loves them very much. He only hates the sin I have committed with them and they commit with others. Pray for me in my difficult mission to preach the word of God to them since no one else dares to preach to them. They know me and listen to me and they do respect me because I am a medic and am a well person, by God’s grace.

    Kindly put me in your prayers because at times I feel it is a mission impossible, but inside me, I feel this is GOD’S mission. Even if I help only one to change to know the Lord Jesus Christ I will be very satisfied. May the peace of Lord be with you. ARAN

  13. (USA)  My husband cheated on me in 2008 but I didn’t find out about it until 2009. By then he had been with her for a year. It was difficult in the beginning and it took a while for me to get over the hurt; it still bothers me though.

    Now we are faced with another problem. Because of his infidelity, he was giving this person our money and got himself into a bad way financially which has affected our household. I forgave him for cheating on me but he seems to be in a place that he can’t get out of even though he knows what he needs to do. He’s unmotivated to do anything. He lies constantly to the point where I don’t believe anything he says anymore. I have told him over and over again that he needs to give his life back to Christ and he’ll see how things will change for him and for us. I don’t know what to do anymore. Sometimes I think that this is God’s way of telling me it’s time to let him go and move on with my life.

  14. (UK)  Help me pleassssse, I am dying!!!!!!! I don’t know where to start but I am counting on Our Lord Jesus Christ to save me and help me. I am married to a very beautiful wife. Our 2nd wedding anniversary is next week. We are both Christians and I believe in God so much that I always try to obey His Word.

    One of our married church members came and asked me to accommodate him for a time so that he could save money as our church is sending him on a missions trip to another country. I glady offered this guy a room in my house, fed him, gave him everything he needed to be comfortable and I did not charge him a penny.

    Since I got married to my wife, we have been having great difficulties in our marriage. Sometimes we can go on not talking for 2 weeks. All this while I thought this trouble-making guy was a brother to me, not knowing he was digging a hole to sleep in with my wife. I am so sad. His plans came to light and he had sex with my wife. I found out just last week after he left and my wife gave me all the details about the affair. I am so much in pain, I can’t do anything in my life. I am being tormented everyday about the thoughts of this and I don’t know what to do. This demon guy is now with his wife in the mission field in other country.

    I feel like I failed God as I saw all this in a dream but I did not take any action to toss this guy from my house. Now the harm has been done. My wife has been begging me to forgive her and give her a second chance but I don’t really know what to do. I feel so much pain in my heart and the betrayal is too much for me. Please help me, what should I do? Is this a test from God?

    Please help me…I am dying in pain.

  15. (AUSTRALIA)  My husband has been unfaithful many times. We have been married for 5 years. We do not have children. He won’t admit to his affairs or even apologize. I have proof; there is no doubt that he cheated or he’s still cheating. He does not treat me right but he says he still wants to be married. Whenever I ask him about the affairs he becames angry and he won’t talk about it. Please help.

  16. (NIGERIA)  I found myself committing adultery and I don’t like it. Please help with some advice and prayers for this dirty act.

  17. (USA)  I am currently in the same situation as some of you. My husband and I separated last year, 2011. Well, he left after a discussion of the website everone seems to have these days. I became a friend on a website with a long back in the day friend… he found out got mad and didnt talk to me. I tried talking to him no response. He left after a week. He said he was going crazy thinkng if I was cheating and stuff. He left to go to his sisters home, and stayed there. He said he was looking for a place for us as we had lived with my mother.

    Long story short, he asked for a divorce. I filed. Sad thing is, he got served on his birthday. Two or three days before the 30 day period of accepting and returning the divorce papers, he texted me and said he didn’t want a divorce, that he wanted me and my daughter back and he missed his little family. I was willing to to go back with him. But while we were separated and he asked for the divorce. I went on with my life.

    I met someone and ended up pregnant –something me and my husband longed for. I told my husband. I needed to get it off of my chest and if he was willing to forgive me, I needed to let him know. Well he is hurt, and he is heart broken.

    Long story short, we texted about it. He had questions; I answered. He said that he said to himself that he will never forgive me. But being a Christian man, he knows that God forgives. So he forgave me but won’t get back with me. I love him and I want him back. He returned the divorce papers and we are now in the process of a divorce.

    We finally met like the 3rd day of all this and talked face to face. We both got emotional, cried and I told him that I love him. I cared for him, the father of my child. We continued to cry and hugged one another tightly. I said to him, I know my baby has no fault. But I really wished he was yours. He said, I know the baby has no fault. He doesn’t even know what’s going on.

    Its been a week now, since all of this. I have been texting him saying so sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you. I really am sorry. He has said, please, it hurts, or we must go on with our lives. I love my husband. I want him back in my life. The thing is he won’t take me back. He said things have changed, you didn’t wait till we were divorced and that hurts. But he now realizes he did wrong by leaving in the first place. What can I do to get my husband to accept me and my baby in his life?

  18. (GERMANY)  Happy, I thank God for your testimony which speaks exactly and directly to my situation. I have been in a loving relationship for the past 9 years… both my husband and I are born-again Christians and very commited in the work of God. Whereas my husband in very famous due to his ministry… I am the softer version but very gifted in counselling.

    To cut the long story short… that very thing I have been vocal about… befell me!!! I am crying and in a mess internally because my family, church and friends would not believe I could commit adultery…. I was married a virgin and my husband really trusts me. I have repented and prayed to God for forgiveness but I feel so ashamed. Everyone looks up to us for counsel. I feel scared of the reaction of my husband and I haven’t told him because of fear of losing him and our children. God help me!!!

    Please write me and tell me what to do!!! I have stopped the relationship and I am beliving God to uphold me totally but my betrayal to him is killing me. If the church and friends got to know… he will be a shattered man because I am very beautiful… and he is so proud of me in every way. I love my family and God and I want to find full restoration. I believe God sent me to this website. >Happy, please pray for me… Write to me …I feel like I have found a sister in you. Thank you for your testimony and please write to me. God Bless

    1. (USA)  You have to tell him. Scripture is clear, we live in the light, not darkness. We try to hide our sin in the darkness, but the deeds of darkness will be exposed by the light.

      Bad news does not get better with time. Your husband, while he doesn’t know what has happened to his marriage, probably senses that something is wrong. As long as your betrayal is still secret, he is still being betrayed.

      Confess and begin the healing of your family. You still may lose him. But you will know that you are no longer abusing him with the betrayal. He cannot begin to heal from your betrayal until he knows the truth of what has happened to his marriage.

      It’s not telling him that would cause you to lose him. It’s the betrayal itself. Telling him is the only way to end the betrayal and have any chance at an honest, intimate marriage.

    2. (SOUTH AFRICA) I have committed adultery with a colleague who is 10 years younger than me. My husband found out about it and I told him everything. He was very hurt. We have two boys. I apologized to my husband but he wouldn’t listen to that. We’ve been married for 12 years. We’ve been living separately for 4 months now, and I was forced to resign from my job.

      I’m not working now and I’m staying with my sister with my little boy. He has served me with divorce papers and I signed them. I can’t contest the divorce because I don’t have money for the lawyers. He told me that I’ll never win the case. We have not gone to court yet. He says we can remarry again but he says that depends on me. He says he has forgiven me but he needs a guarantee that I will never cheat on him. I have been assuring him but he says that he is waiting for God to speak to him. I’m still waiting.

  19. (NIGERIA) I also just got married and was dating this guy who also is married. I started having bad dreams, feeling like I was going to die. My husband didn’t know I was dating this guy. But almost a year with the married man, I had to stop. I have been praying to God for forgiveness and I know he has forgiven me. When you married, and sleep with someone else, it results to all bad things, curses and all.

    My prayer is for God to have mercy on my life and my unborn babies. I don’t have any yet. My advice to all, it is to stop. Try, pray and God will answer. Read Ezekiel 18:21-25 in the Bible. Part of it says “Have I any pleasure in the death of the wicked says the Lord God, and not rather that he should turn from his way and live?”

    1. (NIGERIA) My case is different. After 4 years of feeling lonely and abandoned by my husband, I had an affair with a man that was also married. He was more of a confident. But I pay very hard because my husband found out and refused to forgive me and sent me away with my 2 kids. I want him back. I fasted, prayed, and I am still praying. I love him so much. I can’t even forgive myself for the fact that I hurt him. I don’t know what to do.

      1. I’m sorry but why do adulterers always decide that they love their partners soooo much AFTER they’ve had an affair??? Somebody just please explain to me? Why couldn’t they decide this before it even got to an affair. So now you expect your husband/wife to forgive you because you’ve all of a sudden realised that you still love them … where was your GREAT love when you slept with the other person… did you even consider how you would have felt if your spouse did this to you???

  20. (NIGERIA) I have been married for 32 years and my husband has been a serial adulterer all these years. Three weeks ago I discovered he was into a new affair and suddenly I find I am too tired to stay married to him. Please note that each time I find out, he cries and begs for forgiveness. I do not know if he cries because he’s been caught because he starts a new affair soon after. He has graduated from married women to teenagers. I am distraught.

    He has a kind heart and loves to help people and our church. By the way he’s had affairs with at least three teenage girls in the same church. Please pray for us and advise me what to do now. I don’t want to make a mistake even though the Scripture approves divorce by reason of adultery. Please help me. This is a distress call. I thank God for sites like yours offering advice to distressed souls. Please for the avoidance of doubt, my husband tells the whole world I am the best thing that has happened to him.

    1. Ngozi, I’m so sorry for the painful time you’re going through in your marriage and all that your husband’s unfaithfulness has brought upon you. My heart breaks with yours over the pain that’s been inflicted upon you. As for what you can do and should do, truly, I can’t tell you. That is something between you and God. But I can tell you a few insights I see, which may help you in your decision-making, as God leads you. I’m praying for wisdom in what I write and wisdom for you in what you perceive that God is telling you.

      As sorry as I am to say this, I believe your husband appears to be a serial adulterer and I’m sorry to say that I’m not thinking he will stop. His pattern has shown this to be a way of life for him. He’s right when he says that you are the “best thing that has happened to him.” He sees your trusting and forgiving spirit and counts on it –despite the unfairness of what that does to you. I have little doubt that he cares about you and is momentarily sorry for his actions. But he is sick in his addiction. It’s like an addict of any kind, he is addicted to the pursuit of women –just as a drug addict or alcoholic is addicted to their means of obtaining a “high” of some sort.

      With his addiction, he has become a type of predator, when it comes to seeking out those he can conquer sexually. He sees the ones that are vulnerable to his advances and goes for them –flirting, being sweet and charming. It comes “natural” to him. Horribly, he has turned to teenagers, as of late. Despite his “kind heart” and how he “loves to help people” and your “church” he needs to be stopped. He is systematically preying on them, as he is seeking out those he can have sex with. I’m sure he doesn’t see himself as an addict and I’m sure he doesn’t think that he is a predator, but what else can you call it?

      You need to talk to your pastor. Women are being seduced by a man they think is noble because of his charming and “kind” ways. Unfortunately, many women and teenagers will carry regrets later in life as they are having sex with someone who isn’t THEIR husband. He is causing them to sin, even though they are consenting to the affairs. Plus, one of these days he will pick up a disease of some kind and will pass it on to one woman and then another and another and another. And of course, if you have sex with him, you are vulnerable to whatever STI’s or STD’s he contracts. This could be an eventual death sentence for you because AIDS is no respecter of those who are monogamous with someone who isn’t. If you have sex with someone who is exposed to disease, you will eventually get it too. It’s amazing that he has gone this long without catching something.

      As I said before, I can’t tell you what to do, Ngozi. All I can tell you is what I see and that if I were in your place, I believe I would be extremely tired too. I couldn’t keep opening my heart and my body up to someone who would betray me and put my life in jeopardy and tear apart my heart and trust over and over and over again. I don’t believe God would ask that of me. But I don’t know what God is telling you. Pray about what I am writing and see what you think God is telling you. But please talk to the pastor of whatever church your husband is “helping” so he can stop the systematic seduction that is going on –despite the appearance of “love” and “kindness” that your husband appears to give. I hope the pastor will do something. Some won’t. But many would.

      1. (NIGERIA) Dear Cindy, thank you very much for coming to my rescue. Firstly it is a huge comfort that you prayerfully gave me a response. Secondly, your advice was full of wisdom especially when you said that you will not tell me what to do but that God will do so for me. Thank you once more. Please, please intercede on our behalf also even as I pray our compassionate God to work in our lives from within, then out.

        It is certainly not easy for a woman to walk away from a marriage that she has invested 32 years of her life, time, love, service, loyalty and all the resources that go into a marriage that is planned to be successful. Our youngest child is 28 and I am 57. My husband is 65. I really hoped for an early retirement and companionship since he is a business traveller and mostly away from home. God bless you. Ngozi

  21. (NIGERIA) With my previous statement, the guy wants us to be good friends. Is that right? Can I still be friends with him, as we have both promised each other nothing sexual can ever happen? Or should we just go our separate ways and not contact each other anymore. Please advise me.

    1. Ehl, You have made promises to your spouses before your God –him with his wife and you with your husband. Those are the promises you should honor. You and this man have slept together previously. You have already broken promises. No matter what you think your could promise each other, it is not right to keep that bond going in any way, shape or form. Please go your separate ways and never, ever contact each other again.

      This may make you and him sad for a time, but honorable and faithful to your spouses. If you were ever to be “friends” it would have been before both of you married other people. Now that you are married, you need to put your energy into building your married lives with your spouse’s, not friendships with those you had an affair with. You are playing with fire if you allow any type of “friendship” to go on with this man. Honor God. Honor your husband. Honor your commitment to your God and to your husband. Flee from this temptation. It will lead to no good.

  22. (GERMANY) Breaking the cycle. While in the military years ago, I had an affair with a married woman. Doesn’t help that when I got out of the service that we are both living nearby. Shortly thereafter, I met a wonderful woman fresh off a divorce with two kids. We move to Germany soon after marrying and had a son to complete our blended family.

    About this time for at least the past several years, I have been caught on the cusp of having an affair. I want it to stop, I want to stop being selfish and hurting my wife and children. I’m truly scared that I’ve used up my chances. Please pray that I will find a way to stop this self-destructing behavior and that my wife will forgive me.

  23. (NIGERIA) I am a married woman from a French country married to a Nigerian man. He brought me to Nigeria where we got married and have 2 kids. But it was not easy for him to settle with me, because he wanted to marry somebody from his place. But after prayers and fasting he could not settle with any lady there, then come looking for me.

    First it was good, then he started having affairs, and each time I catch him, he will stop then go back after a while. We sleep in separate rooms, according to him, because our children are still young and he wants me to care for them. I usually beg him to share the same room but to no avail. He goes out alone and spends time outside than with me. Even when I beg him to take me out, he does not.

    I got so lonely and tired of spending 30 days and 24 hours alone most of the time, as he does not allow me to have friends or to continue with my education, I started looking for friends in those sms media. I met this guy at the airport from a short vacation with my kids. We exchanged numbers and became friends. After 1 month we were so close and shared our experiences with our unhappy marriages, so we had an affair. It was more emotional than just sex. He was a confident but my husband found out.

    I stopped the affair and want my husband back. I asked for forgiveness and promised never to try it again, but he does not want to listen. He asked me to move to the UK and everything will go back. But after 3 months, he said he cannot continue with the marriage. I am an orphan and he is all I’ve got. I asked for forgiveness and even to his sisters, but he still refused. I am so confused. I love him so much and my children an I have no one else except him. I have asked GOD for forgiveness, fasted and have been praying for 1 year now.

    He has a girlfriend now and told me that he is considering marrying her next year. I am broken. I don’t know if I should go back in December to see him. I really dont know what to do. He is a very proud man and stubborn. Please help me. I love him, he is all I’ve got. He sent me a sms a week ago telling me that I can’t eat my cake and have it. Things don’t work that way; the early I move on the better for me. Help me.

    1. (NIGERIA) Laeticia, I really do feel your pain right now. First of all, you need to pray hard and cry to God to forgive you. After that, start praying hard for your husband and keep praying for God to restore your home/ marriage. Do not find comfort anywhere except the word of God. That’s the only thing that can bring your marriage back. Keep speaking the word of God into your life, your husband’s life and your marriage.

      My story is a testimony. I wrote here few months back and Cindy told me not to contact the guy again and never to be friends with the guy I had an affair with. I promised and stopped. But something happened about a month later, while I was restoring my marriage, loving my husband, enjoying the sweet romance I have been missing. The wife of the guy I was dating found my husband’s contact details, told him everything. “Oh God I was broken.” I started to cry, beg and all. We separated for a while, he was asked for a divorce and I refused. I would beg, cry. So I started dwelling on the word of the Lord. I started fasting and praying, crying to God at odd times, 1 am, 3 am in the morning, weeping.

      I tell you God answers prayers. He’s a merciful God. A random day, my husband sent me a text that he wants me to return back to him and he wants all that to be in the past, that he loves me so much and that he does not want anyone to come between us. I went home to my husband. Today we are stronger than ever.

      Trust in God, surrender all to all. All.. That includes youself, husband, marriage and kids. Don’t let your anger come in the way. Forgive him, forgive youself.

  24. (NIGERIA) I am so blessed to have discovered this site. May God bless everyone who have contributed to this discussion. It means, I am not alone in this at all. I have been married for 11 years and my hubby is a serial cheat. Initially, when he is caught, he would beg for my forgiveness, cry and buy me gifts to pacify me promising not to do it again but before u know it, he does it again. He has even dated a married woman with grown kids, teeenagers, old ladies and all manner of women. He has infected me with STDs severely and shouts at me to go treat myself. I have a daughter and have not been able to have another but he blames me for that too without considering his philandering lifestyle.

    I got tired of his lies, cheating and pride because recently, he told me that I should do my worst when I discovered a text a young girl sent to him that she was pregnant again and he knows what to do. This is so painful because I have always felt he was having an affair with this girl but he has always denied it and even swore on his dead mother’s grave but it was all a lie. Right now, I am separated from him and his family is calling me names stating that I am the cause of his infidelity that I don’t know how to keep a man. They said I pushed him into having affairs and it hurt so bad that he has suddenly become the victim after putting me through emotional hell for years. They are also sending me SMS calling me names that I am asking for too much because I am financially comfortable in my home. They said I should turn a blind eye to his affairs because he takes good care of me and my daughter.

    I wonder what happened to our marital vows to be faithful to each other and they all claim to be Christians. I am so angry, bitter and pained by all of this because my hubby has refused to acknowlege his wrong doings. He’s even bragging about the woman having a child for him. Can you imagine?

    I am with my mom now and she keeps telling me to go back home and continue praying for my hubby’s soul –that I must have a broken home because she is also separated from my dad when he married a younger woman after 20 years of marriage with her. She says if I divorce my hubby no man will marry my sisters because they will say it runs in the family but I don’t care. I need my sanity before I commit murder because I feel nothing for my hubby except hate and need to inflict pain on him. I just want to pay him back for all the pains he has caused me.

    I have tried praying for him but each time I remember his unremorseful attitude, I get so mad again. What do I do? I want my daughter to have a home with both parents because she’s affected by all this. She’s with me and keeps asking when we are going home and for her dad. But I deserve to be loved, cared for and respected above all. I just don’t know how to go about this. My friends are all saying I should go home before another woman takes my place and honestly I don’t care, but they are just calling me names for being stubborn. Am I wrong? I need honest opinions please. Thanks.

    1. (NIGERIA) Katty, I don’t expect you to be happy with all that your husband has/is doing. But 1st, find it in your heart to forgive him again. The Bible says we should forgive, if we offend God a million times, he forgives us a million times. He doesn’t count. That is the first thing to do. Try and concentrate on the word of God. Start praying for your home, and your husband. Tell God to turn the heart of your husband so he can turn from his ways. Pray and fast. Just tell God everything, and ask him to take control. But 1st you need to forgive him again. I know it’s hard but you need to. I pray God will restore all back to you. Amen

  25. (USA) My husband and I are having some marriage problems and we decided to separate. One week after I left, he slept with another woman that he picked up from facebook.

    He did ask me to forgive him and we are back together working on our marriage, but the pain is still there. I can’t stop thinking about him touching this other woman. I feel so hurt and betrayed. When we got married he told me that he’ll never go outside of his marriage. He lied to me… Just because we were having marriage problems doesn’t give him a reason to go outside of his marriage. How do I forgive him? How do I stop thinking about him putting his hands on another woman?

    1. (USA) It’s going on two years for us and it’s not gone. Don’t believe it ever will be. People that cheat are weak, insecure and selfish. They refuse to honor boundaries and do not think of other, even God or their children, just what they want at the moment.

      I would never separate because guys tend to be spiteful and do just that. I asked my husband for a divorce yers ago when he seemed to behave worse and at 44, full blown mid-life and a chick looking for any engineer that would give her money, buy he things, fill her gas tank. He was her cash cow all along but the last 12 days of their association, it’s happened or he tried. The sight of her deflated him and she confirms it calling him “LD” but after I caught him, he was even angrier and went and tried again. A little more success but still, no.

      Small town, you should hear what he says of her but then he listened to her do that to her husband, sister, brother. Cannot be surprised! And in this small town, she humiliates him, always has. That is what the devil does. Has at least one incurable STD. I pray he is really grateful to God.

      I knew God had a huge reason behind all this and when husband was subpoenaed against her by her ex, it was all crystal clear and she lost EVERYTHING. The sake of her 3 year old which I still believe is in danger. Praying the judge will see her hard drive…

      He was over there after work listening like he cared, her few think boxed up in a $300k house, she may make $10 now. She says she never wanted sex with him and says really horrible things about him. That’s why it took 10 days and a handful of her sedatives right in front of him and you should see her. She goes after dirty old men and she knew early on he was one and would do anything. This began in 05 but I believe what he told me of it all now. I lost 45 pounds in 5 weeks and it nearly killed me, all of us. The devil knocked on our front door and my husband welcomed him in and held us down as we were attacked. God is not done with anyone. We have have such deep depression and the Bible speaks of all of that. Even my 10 year old has been depressed.

      Dr. David Clarke’s book, “I Don’t Want a Divorce” helped us both as does this site. Please keep reading. The devil is hard at work destroying all God loves. I wish I had words to help you, it is the worst thing I’ve ever been through even though he’s truly repentant. I nearly ended my life more than once. Please just hang on and cling to the LORD and His Word. Love and prayers.

  26. (AUSTRALIA) I’m in the same situation; my wife committed adultery while I was away working overseas. Only one relative saw what she did? And it happened in my parent’s house while my parents were not there. Now I’m looking for the solution because at this point my parents are very angry with her and my home town…they know what happened. I’m seeking for the right decision.

  27. (USA) I got divorce papers from my wife last week. We’ve been married only four years and we were separated for a year prior to her submitting the divorce papers. She wants me to give my signature so she so we can complete the divorce.

    During the first 8 months of our 1 year separation we did not communicate. During the last 4 months of our separation we gave some effort at reconciling. She said she was done with counselling, marriage conference, marriage mentors etc.

    During the first 4 months of the marriage I had a couple of angry outbursts during the arguments. I said some hurtful things to my wife. Then I went to anger management and got serious about dealing with my anger. Subsequently, I stopped the yelling, and naming calling. Although, I had stopped the behavior and apologized, Three even four years into the marriage she was still refering to the anger outburst I had in the first 4 months of the marriage.

    Futher, she never seems to have any contribution to the conficts we were having. She was foisting all the blame on me. I was an easy target since my anger outburst were so glaringly wrong. BUt somehow I knew deep down it did not make sense that I should bare all the blame for the problems in our marriage.

    Unfortunately, all of the counsellors we went to bought into her way of thinking. Each of them took her side almost completely. They seemed to conclude if she did anything bad it was because of me. ??? They focused on her hurts and my offenses. They seemed more like her advocate than an impartial mediator. I kept hoping for an objective counsellor that could steer BOTH of us toward reconcilation thru adhering to Godly principles. I really felt alone.

    Here is a quote from one of her last communications to me: She said, “I really can’t do it. I refuse to confess my sins to someone whom I have hurt; after he’s hurt me 3 times worse than I ever hurt him”.

    All thru the marriage I percieved her to be prentending as if she had no contribution to our problems because she almost never confessed any wrongs she had done. In the end she finally admitted that she would never admit her part because my part was worse. For 4 years we went to counsellors and she pretended to be seeking reconciliation, as long as I was only one who was confessing my sins.

    No one ever stopped to confront her about her contribution since they were so focused on defending her. I realized finally that the reason we went from counsellor to counsellor but we gainned very little resolution was that she was not ready to forgiveness me nor was she ready confess her own part.

    Now, I am wondering where do I go from here? Am I resign to living single for the rest of my life? Do I wait on my wife another few years even thogh she is clearly done with this marriage?

  28. (USA) My husband and I have been married for over 5 years. On the outside, everything seems perfect. Many don’t know that he has been physically and emotionally abusing me…making me feel as if I am a child. In return, I chose to have an affair with someone on my job and I feel absolutely horrible. The shame and embarrassment from it all is overwhelming. I have asked God to forgive me, but I still feel broken and unworthy. I have begged my husband to forgive me and will do anything to make it better, but he doesn’t want to let go of it or try to rebuilt, yet he says he doesn’t want me to leave. I feel so bad I don’t know what to do with myself. I know I have to get better because I am the sole provider for our son. My husband doesn’t contribute much to the needs of my son. I need God in the worst way but feel to ashamed and unworthy to reach out to Him…

  29. (SOUTH AFRICA) I found out my husband was having an emotional affair with a Muslim woman for 4 years. This was a year ago. I am a Christian and have stayed in the marriage but it has been the most devastating year of my life. I cannot even begin to describe the pain he has caused in my life.

    Everybody seems to conveniently ignore the verse where Jesus said divorce is not allowed for reasons of adultery… No one mentions this verse. I believe Jesus knew what it was like to be betrayed and deceived by someone you love and who claims to love you. I have been completely disillusioned with marriage. I am staying for my children. My husband doesn’t deserve us.

  30. (US) Thank you for this story and majority of these comments. I have been in both situations. I had an emotional affair outside of my marriage a few years back (which has been over for sometime and no contact has been made) due to what I believed to be lack of emotional support from my husband. He has since confessed to having an emotional and physical affair over the last few months with a woman he works with. While he has ended his affair as well, he still works with the woman.

    I being raised in a very Christian household, turned directly to the Lord and the Bible for guidance. He is slower to do so although he is trying and I see his efforts daily. I have already forgiven him and asked him for forgiveness for my affair. The ending of his affair is VERY new (just a week) but he has made necessary steps to end it and has had no contact besides visual with her. I have also made the choice to forgive her as she also knew me and that he was married with 2 small children at home. I sympathize with both of them to an extent as they are experiencing a loss of a friendship/lover. But I have maintained that I cannot allow contact between the two of them.

    This webpage and the comments have given me a renewed sense of faith that our marriage (as long as both parties are willful) can endure this and be stronger in the long run. I am aware of the long hard road that is ahead and I am willing to walk it barefoot if needed, to regain the trust and love we once shared. Thank you for this posting and I pray daily for renewed strength.

  31. (USA) I’m the husband dealing with my wife being unfaithful for over 5 months with a coworker. I found out by reading her e-mails and sent them to her at work asking if this was over or not. The other issue was she’s pregnant; they did a blood test and found out it was mine but still. This just came to light 12/15/12 and it’s now 1/24/13. I decided to forgive her and we are trying to work things out we are in counseling and going to a marriage encounter.

    I pray every day for helaing, help and forgiveness for both of us. She told me she loves me but isn’t in love with me, which kills me. I’m presently trying to reach her heart and try to rikindle the love and show her, I’m here for her. But to be honest, I’m not getting a lot in return. I guess I figured she would be going out of her way to show me her love but, I’m not seeing it. I’m feeling empty inside and my heart is hurting.

    I don’t know what else to do. We’re going to church, counseling and a marriage encounter. I have a hard time keeping the thoughts of her with someone else out of my head and dealing with all the lying. I’m really hurting inside. I love my wife and want to be with her. Please tell me this empty, sad feeling will pass in time for my sake, and our children’s sake.

    1. So sorry Dave, that you are having to go through this. My heart hurts for you and for your family. It will affect every one of you in some way or another, and for that, I am sad for you.

      I have no doubt that this past month has been a type of living hell. And I sure don’t want to minimize it. It’s got to be tougher than you could have ever imagined it to be. Keep in mind though, that this is something that rips apart the heart of the one who was betrayed. In this case, it is you. And whenever there is a deep wounding –one of that depth, it will take a LONG time to heal. It’s a multi-layered healing. And yes, the “sad feeling” can pass with time (even though you will never be the same). It would be especially helpful if your wife could participate in helping you to heal by showing remorse and loving you, to help along this process. But even so, you CAN heal… it just will take longer.

      I recommend that you read through the various articles and testimonies and quotes and visit web sites and read as many of the resources that we post, recommend and link to, in the “Surviving Infidelity” topic. They can aid you in working through a lot of your questions and varying feelings. Healing will take a lot of processing and soul-searching and praying and seeking wisdom, to get to a better place. I hope that your wife will eventually “get it” that no matter what was going on between you and her, before she cheated on you and your marriage and your family, and even herself (in lowering her moral lowering standards) it is NOT acceptable or justifiable. I pray that some day, you will be able to smile again and enjoy your family without an ache in your heart. I pray that somehow you both can work through issues that need to be dealt with and that peace and reconciliation is able to occur. There’s no doubt that it won’t happen overnight, but I hope with my whole heart that it will. My prayers are with you.

  32. (NIGERIA) I have been married for 4 years but I’m yet to understand marriage, especially being married in Nigeria. A lot of married men cheat. It’s like their birth right. But once a woman cheats, it’s like hell. Now, how come a husband cheats on his wife but his wife cheats too, confesses, repents but can’t be forgiven? What will she do in this situation, whereas her husband is a serial cheater? And all he does is judge her and insult her and make her feel really really worthless.

    I know adultery is a very bad thing and the wife cheating does not justify the husband’s adulterous acts. But if she is really repentant, can’t he just have a forgiving spirit? He cheats too…

    1. (NIGERIA) Jen, nothing is too difficult for God. The same way you pray to God for a forgiving spirit, that is the same way you pray for God to touch the heart of the man and turn it to favour you. He answers prayer, when he sees the heart is geninue and willing to repent. Prayer is key. I hope you find this useful. Prayer solved mine.

  33. (USA) My husband and I have been married for almost 3 years now and we have been fighting almost for the whole time we have been married. He gets very petty and starts to claim things in the home. I have two kids outside of the marriage and we have one together since we got married. I know I have added my share to the fights but it got to the point where he wanted to be in control so much that he went to the courts and filed a temporary order of protection. When he served me, I was advised to leave the home by law enforcement because an order of protection is a very serious thing.

    Since I left the home with the kids, we have yet spoken about the issues at hand. I want to return home but not sure, if I should or just move on with my life. He started to get counseling and I am about to do the same, I am just confused as to if we stand any chance of reconciliation. My family has told me not to go back there and to forget about him and just move on with my life and get a divorce. I feel different. I also have to take in consideration the kids feelings and concerns because two of them are older. My husband do not want to really talk to me right now until we go back to court in April, he is just upset and wants to see the baby but how can I go around him with the order in place.

    I am trying to make him understand that but I am not getting through to him he just thinks I want to hurt him by keeping her away and that is not the case. I want to try and work things out because it will get very nasty from this point on and financially it will affect both of us, I know that time will help things to fall into place but I am just confused at this time with what’s going on and how to handle it.

  34. (USA) I cheating on my wife 6 years ago and we are separated now since October of last year. She just can’t forgive me. I gave my life to God last year 12/23/12 and she told me I’m the perfect man now; I’m just not the perfect man for her. She wants a divorce, but she said it’s hard to do.

    She has a boyfriend and I just don’t know what to do. I love my wife with all my heart and I know she love me too, but her heart is very hardened. I wish she would forgive me. I didn’t know how to be a husband; I just didn’t understand how to do it, but now I’m a better man, father and I want to show her I’m a better husband. I understand now that you supposed to love your wife like Christ loves the church. I don’t want a divorce, because since becoming a Christian I know God hates divorce and he doesn’t want a beautiful family to not exist. And now this other guy is in the picture it’s just very hard to think another man is trying to be the head of my family. But I kept my faith in god that he will bring my family back together. Thanks for listening!!!