The following is a true testimony written by Nancy Anderson edited from the excellent book, Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome
Despite all she had done, her husband graciously agreed to do so. When she called her parents and gave them a tearful confession of what had happened, her parents affirmed their love for both of them and expressed interest in helping them rebuild their marital relationship.
After traveling a long distance to their home this is what Nancy wrote:
We arrived at my parents’ home late in the evening. After a lot of hugs and a few tears, we went into their family room. After the usual small talk, my Dad spoke the unspoken. “What’s your plan?”
My husband, Ron, leaned forward and said, “Plan? Plan for what?”
“You two are going to have to figure out why your marriage fell apart, how to fix it, and how to make sure it doesn’t happen again.”
Ron replied, “Well, I don’t know if we need to do all that. I don’t even want to talk about what she did. It’s too painful. Nancy’s back home now — we’ll just move on from here.”
Dad continued, “It doesn’t work that way. If you rebuild a house on a cracked foundation, it might be all right for a while; might even feel solid and stable. But when the storms come, the crack will split the house. And the Bible tells us that a house divided won’t stand. If you don’t repair the foundation of your marriage, it won’t survive. The memory of Nancy’s betrayal and the guilt you’ll force her to carry will be unbearable—for both of you. I don’t think you’ll be able to move on until you, Ron, make one of the most important decisions you’ll ever make.”
“What decision is that?”
“Has Nancy told you she’s sorry for what she’s done?”
“Yes, she has apologized to me several times.”
“Did she ask you to forgive her?”
“No, not in those exact words.”
Asking for Forgiveness
Dad turned to me and continued, “When you tell someone you’re sorry, it’s very different from asking for their forgiveness. Your ‘sorry-ness’ is your decision. But when you ask someone to forgive you, that’s their decision. It’s difficult because it gives all the power to the other person.”
“That’s a scary thought,” I said, without meaning to say it aloud.
Then he spoke to Ron, who looked confused and apprehensive. “When you forgive someone, you make a choice to banish the offense from your mind and your heart. Jesus said that after He forgives us, our sins are as far away as the East is from the West. In other words, they are pardoned. Not because we’re not guilty, but because we are. Our pardon is undeserved — it’s a gift to us from God.”
He continued, “If you decide to forgive Nancy, you can never use her sin against her. God will give you the strength to start a new life together. If you choose not to forgive, if you want to hold on to the pain, or punish her, and keep her wound open, that will be your choice. But if you choose that, I don’t think you’ll stay married. You have biblical grounds to divorce her, but you don’t have to. It is your decision. I want you both to pray about what I’ve said, and make your decision. We will continue this conversation in the morning.”
Met Again
After a long and restless night, we met again. The three of them were sitting at the kitchen table, waiting for me. I felt like the adulterous woman wearing the Scarlet Letter on the way to her hanging. If Ron would not forgive me, the noose would tighten around my neck and the floor would seem to drop away. I was completely at his mercy.
Avoiding eye contact, I sat directly across from Ron. I asked my dad, “How do we do this? I want to ask Ron to forgive me, but what do I say?”
“If you’ve decided to ask Ron’s forgiveness, tell him what you want to be forgiven for, and then simply ask him the question. Ron will decide whether to forgive you or not. You ask; he answers. It’s the simplest thing you two will ever do — and the hardest.”
Ron had his head down so I couldn’t read his eyes. I thought, “What if I ask Ron for mercy and he denies me? What am I going to do if he starts to lecture me or list off all my sins?”
Asking
I looked over at my sweet, wounded husband and saw the wide-eyed face of a frightened twelve-year-old boy. I spoke quickly so that I wouldn’t lose the safety of the moment. “Ron, I’ve betrayed you mentally, spiritually, and physically. I’ve lied to you and deceived you. I have no defense, no excuses. I’ve sinned against God and against you. Can you — will you please forgive me?”
He leaned forward, never letting go of my eyes. The little boy was gone as my strong and confidant husband took my hands in his and said, “Nancy, we’ve both done and said terrible things to each other. Our marriage was a mess — and a lot of it was my fault. But I take a stand today to change all that. You have betrayed me, but I choose to forgive you.”
We both began to cry and our tears mixed with divine love that flowed through the room. Our hearts were knit together—as one. We began again with a new, solid marriage foundation.
Sought Advice
After we made the decision to reconcile and reform our marriage, we immediately sought advice from many different sources. We went to a Christian marriage counselor, who helped us learn to communicate more effectively. We also read several books about “starting over” and attended some marriage retreats and workshops.
One of the most important things we did was join a wonderful church and faithfully attend worship services and adult Sunday school classes. We received solid biblical teaching from a godly pastor, and we acted on his instruction.
The transformation was a slow process. We’d developed many destructive habits, and some of them took years to die. We decided to stay together and act lovingly toward each other, and eventually our feelings caught up with our actions. We learned that married love is not a feeling. It is a decision — and we decided to love each other.
Since our reconciliation in 1980, we’ve completely rebuilt our marriage. We had to destroy the old foundation—selfishness—and rebuild upon the rock—Jesus. We used a perfect blueprint—the Bible—and now our home stands firm.
Also, we also created a new landscape for our marriage, planting hedges around it for protection. What are hedges? Hedges are boundaries. In Mark 12:1 Jesus said, “A man planted a vineyard and set a hedge around it.” First, the man planted a vineyard. Think of your marriage as a vineyard. You “planted” it the day you said, I do.
Next:
The man in the parable placed a hedge around his vineyard. Why? Several reasons: to protect it from intrusion by animals and thieves; to keep his vines inside his vineyard; and to separate his territory from his neighbor’s.
A hedge makes the statement, “Private Property, No Trespassing.” The symbolic hedges around our marriages serve the same purposes. As married couples, our goal, as co-owners of our vineyard, is to keep the good things in —and the bad things out.
I also refuse to entertain the stray thoughts anymore. Instead, I replaced them with images of the new life that Ron and I were building. I also discovered that encouraging others with our story of restoration gave a purpose to our pain. This summer, we will celebrate our 27th wedding anniversary and I’m thrilled to tell you that our marriage is strong, loving, and healed.
Adapted from the book, Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome
Author Nancy Anderson and her husband, Ron, conduct couples’ retreats and marriage seminars to help others to predict, prevent or pardon infidelity. You can read more from Nancy at NancyCAnderson.com.
Filed under: Surviving Infidelity
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi, My 34th anniversary is just around the corner. My husband has has his second affair, the first was in 1982 that lasted for 3 years. Unfortunately a child was born out of this affair and has never had contact with his dad (my husband). I was very immature and insecure having two small children, so I put up with it and she eventually remarried and moved overseas.
For the next 25 years I thought we had a good marriage, only to find out that at the end of 2007, my husband has another affair. Again, this has been going on for 3 years. We currently share the same house but different rooms, him on one side of the house and me on the other. I do believe that this is where God wants me to be but it is very strained and awkward and I don’t know how to celebrate 34 years anniversary. I have laid all my fears before God and only by His Grace, Mercy, Joy and Peace within me have I been able to get this far.
Is there anyone out there who can advise exactly what to put into an anniversary card to your husband after he has been betraying you. He has apologized but never asked for forgiveness. I have forgiven him, but oh boy, is it difficult to forget, especially knowing that even though there is no physcial contact (intimate) they still contact each other via SMS, calls and email. In my mind this is still adultery, especially as it is never spoken about and is kept secret and I honestly do not know if separation and/or divorce is the best way to go. I will not act in haste and regret at my leisure, but only God knows. God will not put us in a situation that He cannot get us out of, but as a human with feelings, I feel there is no respect, trust or loyalty.
Please help; I need help desperately as it is now approaching the festive season and I am dreading it as for the past 3 festive seasons they have sneaked around to see each other. As long as I am at home being the dutiful wife that is okay, but just let me go out and he wants to know where I am and what time I will be home. But should he go out I dare not ask these questions as according to him, that has nothing to do with me. Am I so blind that I cannot see? I only ask that God does not turn His Face from me and will wait for my season. Now is obviously not my season but all my trust and faith is in God and my precious Lord and Saviour Jesus Chirst.
(N.IRELAND) Ron and Nancy I need help please. I commited adultery. I am devastated.
Help!
(US) I appreciate and thank God for finding this site. My husband of 15 years has left me and our 2 children to live with his lover. He works with this woman and conduced the affair for 3 years before he told me of his decision to move out and live with her. He has been with her now for 8 months. I pray a hedge prayer on occasion to protect my husband and I ask God to bless the other woman away from my husband, to convict their hearts and push them away from each other.
She too was married and separated from her husband to moved their affair to where my husband is now with her. So two families have been destroyed from this. I believe that with God all things are possible and that he is faithful and good, and that the restoration for my marriage is in HIs hands. I know where I have had my faults in the marriage being less than perfect, but I also know that the affair was solely my husband’s choice.
I too have to agree that at the beginning, when my husband first moved out, I spoke about it with too many people, making it difficult for him to fathom ever coming back. But I have tried to since then curb my conversations and not condemn my husband anymore. I gave too many details about the situation, though those who know have been very supportive of me and my two sons. They all pray for return of my husband. I love my husband and know that we can do this together. I pray for all those here that through Jesus Christ, all these broken hearts be restored, and the original marriage be renewed to a deeper level of love and fidelity. Please pray for my husband Rob, that his heart yearns for a new relationship with God which will lead him back to his family. God bless you all.
Thank you Annie for sharing your heart. How sad I am for you and your children and for this other family as well. I cry with you. I rejoice, however, that you are doing what it takes to fight off bitterness and are releasing that which you shouldn’t do and are reaching out to do that which you can — putting your focus on the power of prayer and participating with God in making your life work in the best way possible, given the horrible choices that your husband and this other woman are making.
I pray that despite your heart-ache, God will give you a peace that passes understanding — that He will meet your needs according to His knowledge of what you truly need. I pray that God will not stop pursuing your husband and this woman — that they will not experience peace until they break up this unfaithful relationship and do what it takes to restore their relationship with God and their families. I pray a blessing upon your life and the lives of your children. May He give you help and hope each day as you need it.
(CANADA) My husband is not a Christian and has been involved in pornography for several years. We have children both grown and at home.. don’t know what to do. I have tried to forgive… but he is not trustworthy. I am so incredibly angry. …things settle down and we go along and then something triggers this and other unresolved issues. He will not discuss anything and blames me for a lot of things. I know I have done things wrong and have suggested separation but not before being willing to go for counselling –which he will not.
I don’t know what to do. I have stayed because it is the Christian thing to do. I am extremely lonely and feel very unlovely. I work also and can afford to live on my own… but I stay because of the children. I have never been unfaithful.
(CANADA) My husband admitted to me that he slept with someone besides me 5 months ago. He admitted this during our brief separation of 3 days. (Husband is now back home where he belongs.) He came right out with it and asked for forgiveness, not sure what to think of that. The news is still fresh in my mind, but I had a feeling in my spirit about this. His reason for doing this is quite stupid, not sure if there is any truth to what he said (he did it cause he thought I was cheating on him).
We had become distant to each other, and have been having a hard time putting back the passion that was once there. I immediately forgave my husband as I am a true Bible believing Christian and he is lukewarm. I pray right now for the grace of God for my marriage and family. I pray that I will not use my husbands transgressions against him. (I have a habit of doing that.) I pray that he will heed the voice of God in his life, and cast down the devils wicked imaginations. I pray for his peace of mind, his firm belief in our love, our purpose, and our calling, in Jesus Name I pray!
I pray for all those who are heading for divorce. I pray for the restoration of the family unit so that we may be mighty sparrows for God, in Jesus Name, Amen.
(USA) I was sent this article by my spouse who I have been separated from for two years. I really identified with both Ron & Nancy. As I type, I can’t help but stare at the scripture band I wear in place of my wedding ring on my left hand. I will continue to wear it as a “hedge” and believe that our God can do anything. Thank you for reminding me that God forgives me of my sins and loves me unconditionally. I pray that he will use this to his glory.
(USA) I am Ron in this situation. I discovered my wife’s affair on Valentines day. She asked me for a divorce so she could marry an old boyfreind who we both knew in college. I convinced her that it was foolish for her to do that due to the fact that we have 2 young children and he has 3 young children.
Still, I don’t feel like she is remorseful and I am not sure she is wholeheartedly into repairing our marriage. She arrived 15 minutes late to our first marriage counseling appointment. Fortunately I had the time wrong so she was 45 minutes early. She was angry that I got the time wrong. What am I doing? Why do I continue to take this abuse? I know the answer, my 8 and 10 year old children. How can she be so selfish and reckless to risk the welfare of our children? She was supposed to be protecting them as I am at all costs.
Maybe our marriage is not perfect, but I cannot reconcile her actions to those problems and the welfare of our children. I pray that my wife and I can reach a similar conclusion as this story, but it sure does not feel like it right now.
(UGANDA) Dear Cindy, I am a 35 year Christian old woman who has been married seven years. My husband has never shown any affection towards me whether in public or in the privacy of our home and yet this is something I crave for. I have approached him about this and he’s done nothing about it. Over the years I stopped expecting that from him but I am slowly getting emotionally attached to another man (who happens to be my husband’s friend). I do not want sex from this man but I know that is almost inevitable.
On top of that, my husband seems to give more time and attention to his friends and on many occasions has chosen to be with them, particularly on my birthdays anniversaries…etc. One night when the children were sick (5 yr old and 3 yr old) I called him to help me (we lived on the fourth floor and had to carry them down the stairs). He refused. I carried them both down the stairs to hospital and back. My husband came home at 3 am in the morning. He didn’t ask about the kids. This has happened so often that I do not call him for help anymore but call this other man (who is always willing and ready to help).
I avoid going anywhere with my husband coz when we are in the company of his friends he treats me like an intruder. So whenever we go somewhere together we part ways the moment we get there. I have heard rumors of infidelity on his part, but I am at a point where I have ceased to care. On top of that we have not had sex (with each other) for the last four years. I am just waiting for a good reason to leave him.
I have prayed about it and God has been good thus far and kept me from doing something I will regret. But it is getting harder for me to resist the temptation. Something has to change coz my kids are getting older and I do not want them to assume that marriage is designed to be like this. How do I love my husband again? How do I forget the hard times? How do I move on? I need to laugh with him, cry with him…. I am still lost…
(YAKIMA) To every man and woman who have been through and at this very moment are going through pain, let me tell you to stand and see the glory of God! I went through this in my marriage. My husband had many affairs, I was hurt beyond words. But God told me that he saw my pain and would restore what the locusts have eaten.
For the one cheating! Hear me good! What’s done in the dark will come to the light! God is not mocked, you will reap what you’ve sown. God took my husband who was full of pride, lust and brought him to his knees! How? My husband is sitting in a prison cell now for 16 years for drugs his lovers said he had. My husband was tricked into pleading guilty and got 24 years federal time. God used the very evil my husband showed towards me, a woman after God’s heart, and returned it back on his own head.
My husband was sent back to his country 14 years ago. I have not gone for one visit during the time my husband has been in prison. God took everything away from my husband and got his full attention! We talk almost daily, that prideful 27 year old man, now 45, is a new creature in Christ. Although the chances of getting his federal sentence reduced is slim, doors are being opened by God and God has promised me a surprise homecoming.
So my point is, God never left you. He sees your pain. Trust me, move out of the way and let God and the devil have a show down. God won’t fight your battle until you move out the way. That means stop begging your mate to come home! Put down the weapons of flesh! God’s way comes with a full satisfaction guaranteed!
I have been married 19 years to my husband who I promised to love the rest of my life. It hasn’t been easy raising our 2 children away from their dad. But as God put it, my husband needed someone in one time with our Heavenly Father. How do I know this is all God’s plan? Everything God was going to do he told me a year before it happened that he was taking my husband out of my life and that he’ll make the time go fast.
When I decided to attempt to get a divorce, God put up road blocks and said, stay in your marriage. My children are 16 and 23. I did it God’s way and received beauty for ashes! You may play the affair a million times a day in your mind for a while. God let me lick my wounds and try to sort everything out my way. When God was done watching me carry what was never mine, he said very clearly move out the way! It has been a hard journey, but I obeyed and I am blessed! My marriage has been restored!!
There will be haters, saying you’re crazy and move on. I say are you a victim, or a victor? The devil is a liar! I want to share with the one who is on the verge of giving up. We must all go through trials, but in the end, if you let go let God, the blessings will knock the devil off his perch!
In case anyone may be wondering why I didn’t run to my husband’s side, it’s because the Lord in every way, led me where he wanted me to go and my life is very blessed. My husband asked for forgiveness years ago but wants everyone to know he learned his lesson the hard way. Thanks to God for changing him instead of his having to spend eternity in hell!
He thanks me everyday for standing by him through all the pain he caused me. All I now say is the past is over. My God said he will return my husband and it’s coming at any moment! I believe and receive in Jesus name! I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for God! So I ask this question, is there anything too hard for God?
(USA) I am married 16 years to my husband. Prior to us getting married, my husband had a problem with going out to nightclubs. At first, I used to go with him, and it was fun. But after several years (4 yrs before we married) I grew tired of it. I thought he would get the partying out of his system but, even after we were married he continued. I would complain, and I came off as the nag.
Anyway, during our first year of marriage, he started having an affair. At first I could not put my hand on it, because I loved him, and could not bare it. Then one day, he said he was going out of town to visit his sister, but left a day before. He stayed out all night. I found out from a friend. When I confronted him, he lied, and then I took him to the airport and sent him to see his sister (I had to babysit at the airport)!!! When I came home I called up one of his friend’s wives and poured my heart out to her, of the night before, etc. That wife told her husband who was my husband’s friend that he needed to tell me the truth. That night, all of his friends walked into my home to tell me he was having an affair with some girl. I called him up in New York at this sister’s home and basically threw him out.
He hurried and came home, and packed all his things and left. We were separated for 2 weeks… but then reconciled. He kept denying the affair, and would not talk about it. We somehow picked up the pieces and moved on. We had children, but during the interim of our marriage, the subject kept coming up, and coming up. I became obsessed with wanting to know the truth of the affair and he wouldn’t talk about it. I became insecure everytime I saw him even glance at another woman’s direction… I became dysfunctional. I would even give him a hard time when he hung out with friends. I was always insecure, always afraid that one day he would leave me… because he always made others precedent over me…
We became Christians, and he did change his life and tried to be a Christian, but I couldn’t let that go, and I couldn’t give it to God. It took root inside me. So we backslid. When we backslid we became miserable and kept on fighting. My insecures became worse and we started reverting back to our old ways… with drinking socially, etc. Finally one day we just kept fighting, and he told me straight out that he no longer was in love with me, and something inside of him died… He said that He created that monster I had in me… But I was wrong for never forgiving him. He never asked for forgiveness, nor did he say he was sorry, until recently, and it’s only because I couldn’t help myself from fighting with him.
Anyway, he removed himself from our bedroom 4 months now. He said he needs time to think. In the meantime he started hanging out with friends from the past… and just recently hung out all night long… and came home just in time to go to work. I do not know who this person is any longer… I have asked him forgiveness for my unforgiveness, and I told him I want to work on the marriage… And never to look back any longer… To start new from here on. He does not want to. Everytime, I speak to a sister from church, she keeps telling me the order of God, and to just do my wifely duty and keep praying for him. I have. I have asked the Lord many times to forgive me for how rebellious I was… and to restore my marriage. The situation keeps getting worse.
I still pray for him… But I cannot stand who he has become. I am debating within myself to file a separation…(Oh, I have asked him in the past, to just leave, and live his life how he wants it with those friends..) He’s behaving like a teenager, mind you, we are both 40. I cannot stomach this. He joined a Gym, got his body in shape, and is dressing like a teenager with tight fitted clothes etc… I cannot stand to look at him, and I seriously detest him. I am giving this marriage until the first of September when we get some money from my trust and I am contemplating giving him 1/2 to get his own place. Right now, our finances do not allow for him to maintain an apartment and the mortgage. I am so sorry about this, but he says he cannot forgive me for 14 years of persecuting him, acccusing him of things he wasn’t doing etc. But, I believe there is more to the story than what he is saying.
Please, if someone can give me good advice before September 2011, I would appeciate it… I have tried everything I could… And I just want this sour marriage to go away as peacable as possible, because I don’t have the strength to fight and should and carry on anymore… I just want Peace in my life again.
(USA) Joy, there are some seriously mixed-up issues going on here. He commits adultery and then is angry at you for not forgiving him soon enough– that YOU’RE the wrong one here? And now he’s catting around, dressing like a crazed teenage boy, is sleeping apart from you so HE can think, spending nights away and accuses you of “not trusting” him… and you are thinking of giving him money in a few weeks because he can’t maintain his lifestyle apart from you? If he wants to cat around, why do you have to help him to maintain an apartment?
Yes, 14 years is a long time, but it’s not the unforgivable sin. That doesn’t justify paying him and enabling him to go even deeper into an unhealthy lifestyle. If he wants to “think” outside of the marriage, shouldn’t he do it without you paying him? I believe the money would be better invested in getting some serious MARRIAGE-FRIENDLY counseling TOGETHER — not apart, and certainly not apart in such a way that he can play while he “thinks.” If he wants to play, he should find a way to pay. If he wants to “think” he should do it WITH you, with a marriage counselor or coach who will help you think together, rather than in opposition.
This is all just my opinion. You need to pray about it, and decide on this on your own. You want the “sour marriage” to go away… but I don’t think enabling poor behavioral choices in your husband is the way to go. I pray the best for you. I encourage you to draw near to God, asking for wisdom and guidance, with or without your husband. We all stand alone before God… I pray you will stand WITH the Lord, rather than continuing to back away from Him. He loves you and will help you as you put your hand into His.
(EIRE) At this point in my marriage I am so bitter, one week, one trouble. No quality time spent as a couple, any reason for an argument to ensue. It’s really frustrating and like someone rightly said, I don’t want my children thinking this is what marriage is all about.
Basically, I cheated on my husband during our engagement and boy! have I known little or no peace. This was revealed to him over a year after it happened. 9 months later he left me after telling his parents first and came back 4 months later after my father died saying he wanted to know ‘how much of me he’ll miss’ during which time he was staying in the guest room. I had seen interesting text messages between him and his colleague while I was 7 months pregnant, noticed he invited his old girlfriend back on his Facebook page (fought over that) and saw a receipt for a condom (which he denied buying). We’ve been trying to patch things up ever since but my past keeps rearing its ugly head. I really don’t think he has forgiven me even as the marriage is approaching its 6th year and I’m pregnant with our 3rd kid at the moment.
He behaves like he doesn’t feel I deserve to be shown affection. At this point I’m even tired of asking him to tell me he loves me. In our last big argument I discovered that it would please him if the other guy was living a miserable life. Then it would make up for the unhappiness he and we, by extension, are going through.
He tells me I don’t respect him and that I should belittle other people for his sake when we are in public. This whole situation had reduced his faith in God. He’s made wrong financial decisions that are still costing us till now and has terribly reduced his level of self-esteem. I dare not complain as he sees it as me comparing him to the other man, even when I’m sure he’s hurting me.
Besides all this is the fact that we never truly courted each other and got to know each other before the wedding. We had about 2 or 3 dates after which he leaves the country, comes back about 2 yrs later to engage me and I never saw him again until a year and 8 months, the week of the wedding (the affair took place a year after he left). Sometimes I truly think in my heart that I wanted to marry him but I didn’t realize I wasn’t prepared for marriage.
Until my heart is fully renewed, I just might not be so good an influence on young girls who are planning to get married. I study the word as much as I can and I try to inundate myself with God’s word but when he begins to disrespect me or treat me like I don’t matter, it really vexes my spirit.
(USA) I find the openness of those sharing on both sides very helpful. I cannot truly understand how my wife cheated. She doesn’t talk much nor wants to go over problems. I thought we were doing good. I was with her and supportive on many things to the day of the physical affair. I found out months later what actually happened. Initially I became aware of her going to bars with girlfriends. Then I found out about texting and encounters. My wife, who I love very much and would give twenty years of my life to not have this happen, became immoral. Multiple men were involved but she says only sex with one. She never admitted but I found out everything through investigation and confrontation. I still feel half dead sometimes. I lost 12 pounds the first month and was getting sick.
We both met in church and had a Christian wedding, many Christian friends and close family until the last 3 years. She approached mid life and I want to blame chemicals and temporary insanity because I can’t see how my high school sweetheart could do this. She became a mean and hateful person at moments. She said the last twenty year was living hell. She said that in a hateful moment. We had many loving letters, cards, emails over even the last years. So I believe she was trying to justify what she did and was ashamed. But it is her nature to blame others and not accept fault. She believes that would be weakness and I am more sensitive one.
She told me recently she used to think for a long time that I was weak. I cry. I get emotional. I talk very detailed. I ended up doing tons of reading and research on how and why this happens. Conclusion? We are both sinners saved by grace who lost our minds and gave ourselves over to certain lusts and lies we believed. I was too controlling. She was too unforgiving and hopeless to see and feel good things. Occasionally I cheated on her when I viewed porn, 2 or 3 times a year. I would lust and masturbate as I allowed myself to be pulled into temptation. Sometimes I was even looking for adult toys she wanted and ventured off the products page.
What is it that makes that stuff so alluring? I feel so ashamed but find it like a drug. It’s been 7 months since I did that but I know I am vulnerable.
Since my wife cheated my world has been destroyed. All the things I thought we would avoid and preserve the sanctity and be protected by the hedge of God, gone. We stepped out of his protection. I have thought of murder, suicide, running away, but mostly crying, journaling, walking, praying. I’m in counseling but she is not.
Since that time she has fallen in love with me. I’ve changed ways I thought towards her. I stopped being so lazy and complaining. I don’t want to go to prison or hurt my family so I haven’t done anything to cause that. I have cried out to God and ask him DAILY to fill me with love and grace that can overflow from me to her. I have forgiven her, even those men, but have taken that back as God will take the matter. I know it’s really not even the other men but the heart and character flaw of my wife.
I’m not saying I am totally innocent as I already admitted, but I am saying when it got down to the decision for her to take off her pants, she chose not me, so I can’t take blame for that. I choose to forgive her as I need forgiveness and don’t want to destroy my entire life. We’ve been together for nearly 25 years and have had a long history and rich life together. She made a colossal mistake and crushed my heart but I forgive her. I have asked forgiveness for all I did too and she forgave.
GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO MY SWEET BABY? I love her so much. Oh God please heal my open wounded heart as it still pangs and tears flow sometimes everyday, even after so long. The deep love I have is evident but my mind plays tricks and I think stuff like ending it all and look up weird things in google about how to die or cheating in revenge.
I almost went on a cheating website and looked for a date to revenge cheat. I don’t want that guilt and couldn’t face my kids if I did that but I almost went onto a porn site. Me and wife have had sex many times since the affair and now our health is worse and sex is not as satisfying. A few months ago, it was almost pornographic but now is almost sad. I used something that others say helps them and no affect.
She assures me over and over and over that she thinks we have good sex life and she is satisfied but I can’t help feel we don’t, both for me and for her. I even am ok that she uses topical massager to help climax which she does often. I love her very much and want to be with her rest of my life. If she cheats again I will divorce as I couldn’t live through it again. My son is also in counseling and my kids had suffer in school and more. I have been attacked by Satan and never imagined in life I would ever have these issues. God please give me wisdom how to handle myself and this life and restore all to your glory.
(USA) WOW…these posts sure have hit home with me. Where…do I begin??? I could write a novel, so I’ll try to keep this brief. I was brought up in the church…and became a Christian at an early age. Had a “good” marriage…as I was married to another believer. After years of marriage…started finding things…and discovering..my hub was a porn addict….and I mean addict!! Huge stashes of mags and videos…this went on and on…year after year…I would throw it away…always find more…wounded my spirit…and I just could not understand it. Not only that, but tore away at my self image. I felt like I was at fault. I wasn’t good enough, or pretty enough..etc.
Well, after of all things a medication change he suddenly wasn’t interested in that anymore and we also didn’t have any intimacy. I didn’t care so long as the porn was gone!!! After 4 years of not having any HE came to me and told me to go out and get a boyfriend and it was ok with him so long as we didn’t divorce. Now I’m trying to wrap my brain around this. I remember years ago listening on a radio station about a woman who said “oh and I thought I would never have an affair…but it happened to me”.
WELL folks here I am…so one thing leads to another and I had me an affair…with my hubs permission mind you. Goes against EVERYTHING I was raised to believe in. So, we only saw each other 8 times over 2 years (he was far away) and then I ended it. WELL, here is my problem…I keep getting drawn into reading the “personal” ads if ya will on a site….I have reached out many times….writing…and my own personal boredom doesn’t help matters. Again my hub in the last few years started getting testosterone injections (at the Drs permission), thus, guess what??? PORN addiction and in full speed ahead. Now mags and DVDs. I have gotten to the point where I just threw up my hands and gave up….honestly, I don’t go where he is in the evening…so he can be alone. He prefers it over me; we haven’t been together in well over 8 years and I don’t want to be with him but I will not get a divorce.
To add to this, I have now met a very intelligent man, who is doing this for the first time. He is married and not saved and here I am telling him about what I did. I’m on the edge of doing it again and I don’t want to, and yet I miss someone intelligent to talk to, laugh with. It is nice to talk with someone who isn’t yelling at me, making fun of my appearance, etc.
That is all…I just haven’t read too many comments on here…and I’m asking anyone who has ever walked and lived with the spouse as a porn addict…please speak out…I know it has to be more common than not….we all struggle…and what a blessing to help each other out….Thanks for reading!!!
(USA) I know I was sexually excited around 8. There was porn in the home as a teenager and I snuck around and dug it out. It ruined my life.
Between the ages of 12 and 17 you would think I was trying to break some kind of record for where and how many times I masturbated. I say that with a smile now but I can tell you it was never done without guilt and shame. As much as I wanted to stop, it would build up and I couldn’t see a way out.
Then I met my last girlfriend. I thought we could quell the burning and enjoy each other, as God intended. I was almost 100% wrong. I thought she was still teasing me after we married but she just has a much Lower libido than me. I realize now that I put a lot of pressure on her to have sex.
Anyway, rarely I would run into a web site or let my mind wander and be faced with this again. I started masturbating this year to take some pressure off my wife after talking with an older friend with a different view point.
(USA) Well, to be honest… my husband has always preferred it over me! It was always his thing… then he went sometime without it and would state he couldn’t believe how much time and money he wasted on it. Well, once his drive came back it came back with a vengeance. Then he would show me articles about how men are “wired” that way, it is “normal”… Um… whatever.
IF I were to even mention anything with the “M” word… he will become very angry and start screaming. My personal favorite was when he told me he was doing this “for us”. Well, in 16 years it hasn’t helped yet (improving or helping us) so I’m just giving up. No need to beat a dead horse here. I can’t have sex with someone who is more turned on by his paper/video fantasies than he is by me. And some of the stuff that I’ve seen that he looks at is beyond preverted… it makes me want to puke!!! I prefer to agree to disagree here.