Getting “Unhooked” From An Emotional Affair

Dollar Photo Hand about to touch another one“How can I get unhooked from an emotional affair?” There is not easy way, and it will involve a process of time. In that process, several practices are important. First of all, separation is important. The emphasis here is on abstinence and sobriety. You don’t indulge yourself with the other person’s presence. You must stop exposing yourself to this shared life experience. The contact is what keeps these feelings alive; you need to stop feeding the compulsion.

I hasten to add that you just can’t bury these feelings. Therefore, the next step is identification. What is the “something” this person touches inside you? What unmet need does he tap into? Sometimes the infidel can process this with a spouse or a same-sex friend, but other times that will need to be done with an experienced counselor who is committed to restoring the marriage.

My experience is that the longings that underlie infidelity go back to childhood; the infidel brings them with him or her into the marriage. They often were touched upon or satisfied in the initial phases of the relationship with the spouse, but over time have been buried by the crush of life’s responsibilities.

The next process is exposure. Don’t allow these longings and feelings to remain a secret. The longer an infidel allows these feelings to continue as a secret, the more he or she will idealize the person the feelings are attached to. Idealization means this partner becomes perfect, and as a result, no one else (e.g., the spouse) can measure up. The partner is beginning to be seen as “all good,” and therefore the infidel will have to see the marriage as “all bad.”

As mentioned earlier, if you encapsulate these feelings at this point, they will only lie dormant to be triggered again later. I usually encourage the infidel to share his feelings with his spouse, after seeking counsel. After all, the spouse has been involved in this story already (in that all affairs are a triangle, even if the spouse is unaware) and might as well know the secrets that are occurring in his/her marriage.

The next concept here is to journal. Write down the feelings you are experiencing in this rather involved and tortuous journey. Feelings don’t have to control an individual, but their influence is strongest when they are held in secret. The longings that have led to this emotional affair are a part of the childhood magic; journaling them gets them out into the open, into the adult realm.

The next step is displacement. Use this process in tandem with some of the other processes. Here you do something else in lieu of focusing on the partner. You can exercise, get involved in spiritual development, or take on different projects or hobbies. This is the “doing” part of healing.

The final idea is to grieve. Though this is extremely difficult for the spouse to observe, it is important and necessary. Many times this needs to start with a “good-bye” letter (written to the adulterous partner). Most infidels find this very painful to do. It seems so unnecessary initially, because (seemingly “nothing evil has happened,” since they didn’t have sex. Only after thorough processing, and the passage of time, will the infidel be able to look back and see how befuddled his/her thinking really was.

This is also a good time for the infidel to review his/her “loss history,” and this leads naturally to grieving. What other significant caregivers, friends, loved ones, or pets has the infidel lost that parallel the lost feelings in giving up the affair? The infidel will probably want to do this in private and only later will be able to share the depth of the experience with his spouse.

(A caution here: The depression is not about what you feel for the partner, but just what you are feeling, period. Keep the partner out of the equation-it will make it easier for your souse to listen to your feelings, and easier for you to connect with the feelings in your heart that need processing.)

The Healing Process: Neither your partner nor your spouse can release you from the emotional hook you’ve experienced. Many spouses caught in this kind of emotional affair have found portions of The Serenity Prayer helpful:

“Lord, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.”

Be careful of changing the components around. Don’t try to change the things you cannot change-that will only lead to frustration and anger. On the other hand, don’t accept the things you should be changing —that will only lead to feelings of victimization, a sense of “What’s the use? I can’t lick this, so I might as well give in.”

Time, the healing process, always requires a backward look. Encouragement is not usually the result if you look to where you need to be, feel like you ought to be, or even want to be. You will see the feelings diminish as you look backward to where you were three, six or nine months ago.

Rebuild and concentrate on the lost relationships that contributed to the vacuum that the emotional affair filled. That could require quite a search on your part, some intense conversations (even confrontations) with people in your life, a lot of focused reading, and even some trips/visits to significant places in your childhood.

Enjoy the process and reschedule the experiences that made your marriage good in the first place. Here I encourage couples to each identify the “eight greats” of their marital experience. Independently, each spouse should identify the eight great experiences, or highlights, of their marital history, then decide together on five that they’d like to repeat. You see, shared history is a critical component of intimacy. Rare is the spouse who won’t join “the almost infidel” in this endeavor and experience recovery from close call. Why, most of us had close calls ourselves.

Some Cautions for the Infidel: Temptations do not an identity make. Some people struggle with the same temptation for years. For instance, just because someone wants to smoke again because he’s tempted doesn’t mean he’s a smoker. Don’t let the temptation to return to the partner shame you into feeling “What’s the use? I might as well give in. I’ll never be free of these feelings.”

Second, remember that in periods of high stress, difficult emotions, transition, and marital dullness, you will feel an increased desire to return to the partner or to renew thoughts of him/her. At times, infidels report that they have yearnings to think about this person just to see if the feelings are still “available” as in the days gone by. This “testing” is common to obsessive-compulsive behaviors, and the intent is to prove to oneself how far one has come in the recovery process.

Be careful —this process can begin to mimic the destabilization process of a Class 2 affair described in chapter 6. As mentioned there, such practices only intensify, rather than lessen, the attraction —and the hook goes much deeper.

Some Encouragement for the Spouse: First, remember that these longings were present in your spouse before you entered his or her life. You didn’t create them, and you probably can’t fully satisfy them.

Second, you did tap into those longings early in your relationship in some fashion. The longings were present in the initial feelings of what love is all about. For whatever reason, the infidel settled for the initial feelings of what love is all about and superficial satisfaction of those longings, versus deepening and maturing them. This is not your fault. Many times it is the result of a combination of circumstances: work, school, family, and so on. But the exciting thing is now you both can go deeper in your love for each other.

Last, both of you will eventually forget the partner. The memories of this experience will fade in the same way that a widow or widower forgets about the loss of a good first marriage if the second marriage is a pleasant experience.

It is possible to rebuild after an emotional affair has been discovered. Work through these steps and you will make progress. This is the kind of stuff emotional intimacy is built on, and that is the key to any good marriage.

The above article comes from the excellent book, TORN ASSUNDER: Recovering From an Extramarital Affair written by Dave Carder, published by Moody Publishers. This book is very comprehensive and is a great practical guide for dealing with extramarital affairs. It’s very comprehensive because it carefully sorts out the different kinds of affairs and deals with each kind —giving very practical and insightful information. It doesn’t lump all infidelity together “giving over-simplistic spiritual answers.” It’s practical because “it deals with daily, gut-level issues both partners face.” We highly recommend getting this book!

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Filed under: Emotional & Physical Affair Emotional Infidelity

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2,032 responses to “Getting “Unhooked” From An Emotional Affair

  1. Dear God, Lord Jesus, Please surround SDN and L… OM and his wife with Your Presence and Your Care. May you visit L where he hurts and give him understanding for his wife SDN. May OM’s wife be given special understanding for OM. May Your Word be in the hearts of each of these 4 people as they seek to get beyond their pain and out into the sunshine again. Take care of each of these special people Lord God… in these very difficult days! Please give SDN Your words to say to L… and the same to OM for his wife. May You surround each wtih Your angels and give them strength. Help them to sleep… Help them to heal.

    SDN… All is not lost… I will of course continue to pray. Many husbands and wives have gotten through this and have not only survived, but have come out very well. When you are ready, perhaps you can look up these websites…

    http://marriagemissions.com/how-to-survive-infidelity/comment-page-1/#comment-346732
    http://marriagebuilders.com/index.html
    http://beyondaffairs.com/audio/success-stores-from-couples/mike-and-esther/
    http://familyshare.com/faith/be-still-and-know-that-i-am-god-10-ways-to-recognize-gods-power-in-times-of-trouble
    http://marriagemissions.com/how-can-i-get-past-the-sadness/

    I will post again very soon SDN. Please let me know how you are… when you are ready. WP

  2. Hi SDN, Please see my two posts in “Older comments” entered before your most recent post. SDN- You are NOT worthless… and you will get through this! I think many readers here pray for you, even though they may not post. God is never far away… and He hears your prayers! Please know you are not alone, even though you feel very alone… Yes you DID quit this EA, and you WERE doing very well!

    Please tell us all here how you are doing when you can. I pray for you 4… WP

  3. Hi WP. Thank you for your posts. I appreciate the effort, the kindness, the care but most of all, your sheer presence. It means so much to me. I don’t know how I would have gotten thru last night. I see here that you prayed for my night as well. I slept OK. Was up for about 45 min and my mind just didn’t wanna shut down. Fears, anxieties, regrets! It was horrible. Today is this huge prayer in our town and I am afraid to go. I know that OM and his wife will be there. I am afraid WP. I feel like a coward. Just a rat. I see what my actions have caused. It degrades you so much. Yes I still feel worthless. Yesterday I sat on my bed and looked ahead dumbfounded for so long. I was in shock, empty but thoughts were running through my mind. WP I am still afraid of the outcome. What is OMs wife does not wanna let this just blow over. I pray she just leaves it. She swore me and told me such horrible things. What is happening between L and I now is punishment itself. I Pray that God protects me. He will. Only He knows what’s best. I am trusting Him. My 4year old daughter came to my bedside draw and pickd up my Bible I haven’t read in months. She wanted to play with it. I declined and took it and just read and read and read. I don’t even know if what I was reading was staying in my mind. I kept repeatg the verse that says I should not be disgraced and God should protect me. WP thank u for your prayers. I know the power of your prayers. Its now up to TIME. I am slightly positive…deep down I am positive. But I am sad. I didn’t tell L abt this because he is such an amazing man and it would have been selfish of me to tell him what I have been doing. However a part of me wonders if he will think about how he has somehow contributed to it. He asked me WHY did I chat to him? And I said, It just felt nice when I did. He just walked away then. The only reasons that keeps me alive are my children. I feel so torn apart. L does not show much emotion. I know he won’t trust me again. I wish he would open up to me. Pushing me away is not going to make it any better.

    1. Hi SDN, I have thought of both you and L a lot today SDN. Thank you for this text.

      It is good for you to post, and to express yourself. You are NOT worthless, you NOT a coward. You are just human like all the rest of us. I can imagine you were awake… that’s why I pray that you are able to sleep. OM’s wife is angry now, but she will be more occupied with her own husband, and her own house as these initial difficult days go by. If she calls again…. try not to answer her in a harsh way, but rather in a gentle way…and hopefully you don’t have to talk for too long.

      My only input for now, besides my prayers, (which you have) is to be completely open and transparent with L. No matter how he feels, his anger and hurt will tend to be softened by your contrite heart, your willingness to admit to this mistake, and your understanding as he works through this for himself.

      Proverbs 15.1 “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

      Your prayers and my prayers have gone up to God for your protection, and I am confident that He will provide it. There is no doubt that L will think about how he has contributed to this, especially with the letter that we wrote earlier, remember? Perhaps bring that up at an opportune time? and tell him that you were trying to get his attention, and made a terrible mistake anyway? I am NOT implying that you should even HINT at the idea that this is his fault, NO, but rather that you were crying for help, and did not want this to happen, but regretfully, it DID happen. You can tell him that you need him in your life, that you miss him, that you want him. Tell him that it hurts you when he is “cold.” Tell him that you are sorry you have focused too much on the children…admit this and other mistakes which you know are your responsibility.

      Prepare yourself carefully, and prayerfully. THEN, perhaps you can tell him that there was this other man who likes you… AND…. that you were beginning to like this other man… but that you DID NOT WANT to go in a wrong direction….. but…. very regretfully…. you did…. You can tell him that you WISH you had come to him sooner…. You will know what to say… these are just my ideas from the viewpoint of the hurt position that L is in at this time.

      I can only imagine the hurt you both must feel right now. But no person can resist a contrite and repentant heart for long.

      If you handle this well SDN, I think there is a good chance you will come out stronger than you were before. I will pray for this outcome for you and L. Openness, transparency, and owning this mistake. L will open up I think, but he will need some time. The fact that he is so hurt tells you how much he loves you. If he were not hurt at all, this would be a far more negative development.

      I do not want to go on for too long; I can imagine you must be very tired. Intense emotions have a way of draining energy very quickly….. Of course I will pray. I hope to hear from you soon. You have my prayers, SDN. WP

    2. Hi again WP. Just wanted to fill u in. L and I had a good talk. It wasn’t a long nor a constructive ‘talk’. But it was effective. Basically I told L WHY I did what I did and that he needs to pay mor attention to me and treat me like his wife and that I’d like that very much. I also told him that he should take every Sunday off from myself and kids and its imperative since he feels stressed and that’s why I am the one that feels neglected. He is upset about what I did and he made excellent points of which I took full responsibility for.

      HOWEVER, I did not divulge entirely the whole story WP. Besides hurting him, I would have lost a big part of the man who is my everything. From yesterday to today, the distance between us KILLED me. I realized how much L means to me. He is MY best friend. And I think I have been blessed so much with L in my life. I didn’t see this before. I always looked at the negative. WP I only hope and pray, that this whole thing doesn’t get pursued by OMs wife. It will shatter everything. I hope that where I find myself now is Gods chance to me. He had mercy. I pray sincerely. I have faith in Him. I did not attend the prayer. L and my daughter went. I went thru the sites u suggested and I found them very informative. After reading ‘be still…God”. And the 10 ways of being Still, I decided to stay home and be still, pray and listen for Gods reply. I needed the break. Maybe it helped me and that’s why I was able to talk to L.

      What ever it is, THANK U WP from the bottom of my heart for praying for me and advising me. It has helped me so much. I’d have went thru ths on MY OWN. Thank u and I pray that God blesses you WP. Immensely! All I can do now is hope for the best. If this stays this way, I will never ever doubt the power of prayer. I have prayeD like never before. I hope to hear from u WP. Stay blessed. Always.

      1. Hi SDN, Ahhh wonderful that you had a good talk… It is good that you stayed home… good idea. Yes, there IS power in effective prayer… we have seen this time and time again!

        You will know SDN, what parts of the story you can divulge and what parts not. God Himself will guide you in this. L needs to hear exactly what you say here… your text, but modified by me for L: “From yesterday to today, the distance between us KILLED me. I realized how much you mean to me L… YOU are MY best friend. And I’ve been blessed so much with you in my life L!! YOU are the man for me… I realise this so much more now. I’ve been looking too much at the negative… for this I am sorry…

        The more you and L can come together the better. OM’s wife will have that much less impact on you both. I will pray for this of course SDN. L loves you SDN… sure he does. It sounds like you have made significant progress in a short time!! This makes me happy. Just be honest, and transparent… espress your love for your husband L… let him know… be consistent… It feels like you’re in a better place now than only a short time ago… I have a better feeling about this now.

        God IS blessing me SDN. Thank you for your hope for that. God has you and L in the palm of His Hand… He is guiding you… don’t lose faith. Keep your eyes on Him… be patient. You are NOT a coward, you are NOT worthless. I have great respect for you.

        I will continue to pray. Please let me know what’s happening… and… HAPPY EASTER!! WP

        1. Hi SDN, Hope you are doing better today. Did you see my post of March 26, 2016 at 10:30 am? This was posted after your text of March 26, 2016 at 12:12 pm. May God bless you and L… protect you both… and take care of you both. WP

          1. Dear WP. Thank u for your amazing posts and most of all being my pillar of strength during what I’d call the most traumatic time in my life. Was so scary. I’m not outta the woods yet. All is well between L and I. In fact I anticipate things being better. The only thg that can go wrong now is OMs wife messing this up. WP, last night I found myself goin thru site after sites on MM and others. I read up on Prayer and on praying for your husband and the importance etc. All under this site. Was absolutely informative and enlightening. Changed my perspective on prayer and on L and more especially on marriage. I guess a good transformation for me. Last night I also found myself sincerely praying for OMs wife as though she was someone I loved and cared for. Today I prayed to God about everything in the way I read about. I felt powerful. Leaving things in Gods hand- I need to trust God more. WP, I don’t wanna talk too soon but I am slowly seeing the purpose of the weekends event with OMs wife. If this thing has ended and blown over; then it was something that God willed. Definitely. What do you think? The rationale being the obvious.

            How are you dear WP? I kept you in my prayers too. I am blessed to have you. U are a gift from God WP. Your purpose was more for EA2 than EA1. I don’t know how I would have handled this whole thing. And I know u would have prayed for me. Thank u WP. I appreciate just even your mere presence here. Even if u just read. I hope u r doing well. Please let me knw how things r on your side and how u r managing the ‘loss’ of OWW and how things r with your God-given wife. Stay Blessed WP. SDN

  4. Hi SDN, ….So good to hear from you….. Of course I have been wondering how you are. You realize that it is quite remarkable that, in your words, “All is well between L and I. In fact I anticipate things being better.” This is amazing really!! Of course you know that it could have gone WAY wrong!!! God is clearly at work!!

    It is very good that you are praying so much…. also for OM2’s wife… of course for L. I think you can imagine how OM2’s wife feels… so it is good that you pray for her. Perhaps this is the best way to fend off a problem stemming from a negative reaction on her part? In any case, positive prayer for her, OM2 and of course L cannot go wrong!

    You say, “If this thing has ended and blown over; then it was something that God willed.” I think you will agree that affairs are not God’s will for marriages, but, as you know, God will not violate our own will. He WILL give clear warnings, but the decision is left up to us. I don’t want to analyze the thing too much, but I think it is safe to say, that when we turn from a bad decision, and do things His way, that God is ready, willing, and MORE than able to carry us through and turn something very negative into something beautiful.

    Thank you so much for keeping me in your prayers SDN. This is worth GOLD to me. To answer your question, we are doing very well. I have not spoken to OWW at all since Thursday a week ago. My wife prays for her, and perhaps we will call her together tomorrow to see how she is. She had a scan of her head done (MRT) to try to see the cause of her migraines and light sensitivity. I will certainly keep to my agreement to have no contact with her unless my wife is present with me. I do miss our conversations. But I do NOT miss the stress I had earlier when the thing got way out of balance. God is looking after me too SDN. I am SO thankful for that! Yes my wife is God – given… she is doing very well.

    Your L is also God – given SDN. I will continue to pry for you 4. Things seem to be looking SO very good for you. Just continue to stay close to God and close to L, ..and transparent; continue to pray for OM2 and his wife. Keep talking with L. I have high hopes for you. Things look VERY good SDN. Makes me VERY happy for you… REALLY!! Please let me know what’s happening will you? I look forward to hearing from you SDN. You take care……. WP

    1. Hi WP. Thank u for your post. I am glad that things are also looking gOod for u. WP, I know I’m gonna state the obvious, U have one gem of a wife WP.. Woman r such that when they feel rejected even indirectly or bruised, they get very hurt and sometimes lose hope in their other halves. I know I would be shattered. But your wife is a remarkable human being . She is your angel. She helps u in ways that other woman will never even consider. She must really love u UNCONDITIONALLY. She deserves your loyalty more than anything else. And I am pretty sure u have learned to be loyal to her. Sometimes it takes many falls even for a mature person, to learn. We r never too old.

      Thank u WP, I will continue praying. WP, when I said ‘God willed…’ I did not mean God willed the affair. Oh no. U see, even tho I quite the EA and went NC, my mind would wander off to OM and I’d anticipate the next time I’d bump into him or see him At my childs creche events. I stopped the link between us because it was bringn me down. I did it bcz I wantd to move upwards. Not because I became less attracted to him. I very much missed him n his chats. The wifes phone call and ‘finding out’ was willed by God. It compelled me to tell L. Do u remember your post on finding an escape and I rfused telln L. L findg out also made me realise the consequences of what might happen had I went all the way with OM. I’d have lost L. It also made me realise Ls worth and value in my life. He is my greatest blessing. God compelled the END of things and not the half hearted stop of the EA. Now I feel resent and I despize OM. Do u rem me telln u I woke up with a feelg of dislike for OM? It was the very morning I found a miscall from a prv8 nr on my phone. OMs wife was tryg to reach me. She only got a hold of me 2days later. Maybe… somehow… I don’t know… Somehow I ‘sensed’ something. I am v intuitive WP. The day b4 OMs wife called me I dreamed I was watching the huge snake slither above me and I told L and we were watching it slither away when all of a sudden it deceived us and came right AT ME, almost biting me but just scratched my face and I felt as tho I was so lucky. Do u see the similarity?? The snake being somethg dangerous, coming towards me directly but just missing me miraculously. God showed me the consequences of my actions WP. That was the purpose of the call and the force that drove me to confess to L. I hope its over. There are other worries, but I will tell u that sme other time. So a call to OWW… Tell me how it goes. WP, have u been reading the Bible lately? How should one START reading the Bible because I just usualy read proverbs and Psalms. I hope u had a good weekend WP. Stay blessed. SDN

    2. Hi SDN, Please see first my text just above -March 27, 2016 at 2:41 pm -Thank you. I was reading again your text: “I don’t wanna talk too soon but I am slowly seeing the purpose of the weekends event with OMs wife. If this thing has ended and blown over; then it was something that God willed. Definitely. What do you think? The rationale being the obvious.”

      If you’re asking whether the weekend event itself was God’s will… That’s very hard for me to say. We can speculate. But I don’t think we will really know for sure. I think our motives have a lot do do with whether our actions or words are inside… or outside the will of God. My own impression was that you went ahead with the weekend event to have that last “good bye” and to see him and enjoy being with him that one last time. Very understandable of course!! Very human… It is God Who has made us and not we ourselves. I think we’re harder on ourselves than God is sometimes. :)

      I do know that when we sincerely want to follow God, and turn to Jesus His Son to help us turn from our wrongs and do things His way… that the scripture verse Romans 8.28 comes into action more in ways we can see… “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” “All things” includes of course, our mistakes, and even, I believe, those things we do or say which we know are disobedient. That last point is tricky…but the verse does say “God causes ALL things!” I also believe, that when we willfully disobey, that we do not escape the painful consequences of disobedience.

      Ahh yes SDN, I am talking again too long. A spontaneous Bible lesson for us both today. God is looking after you SDN and also after your God-given husband. He knows your shortcomings and your failings… and also those of L. He is also a Father Who loves you and L without reserve and without end. When you have a better appreciation of the Love of Father God then your perspective changes dramatically. Jesus referred to God as “Daddy” (“Abba Father!” in Mark 14.36 means “Oh Daddy Daddy! All things are possible for him who believes!”) -a familiar and endearing term). I’ve been learning this in the last months… As you know, it has taken me a very long time (more than 30 years) to begin to appreciate/understand really, the “love of a father.” I don’t doubt this is likely the case with you too… knowing your history. But please correct me if I am wrong. I hope to hear from you soon SDN. It is good to talk of these things. I enjoy these exchanges wtih you. You have a good day SDN, WP :)

      1. Hi WP. The weekend event I referred to was the p/call from OMs wife and confessing to L; not the farewell with OM. Don’t even wanna think of that farewell right now. Anyway the more days that go by, the stronger I become and believe that this thing is blowing over.

        Besides this awful unfold of events, how was Easter WP? I just got up from an afternOon nap. My mind is now settled ofcourse. As opposed to the turmoil it felt some days back. Last night L went out from 1pm to 4am this morn. I was sort of upset but I prayed about it. He needed the break I guess and naggin him wasn’t gna make thgs better so I ddnt say a word of negativity except asked him what he gt up to and if it was fun. I am going to allow these times from now on. I was reading up on how a wife should pray for her husband and that he works all day and the last thing he needs is to come home to more ‘work’ and nagging. I’m so glad I read that.

        WP, my dad… Still causing havoc in my life deliberately. But I am mature now n maintain my distance and leSsen my speech with him. I also dnt retaliate to his negativity. He is partly to blame for my horrible desires. My sense of insecurity. Lack of self esteem. What a difference a father makes in the life of his child. Once again, makes me admire L. I’m sure even u strive to be a wonderful dad to your kids. Let me know about your call WP. Stay blessed.

        1. Hi SDN… I have replied to this text after my message of March 28, 2016 at 12:14 pm. Perhaps you have written another message in the meantime which is not posted yet? Anyway, see what you think… Take care… WP

  5. Hi SDN, I think our texts are crossing each other sometimes. I am now responding to your text of March 28, 2016 at 2:01 am My text above, from March 28, 2016 at 6:04 am was written before I read your latest text of March 28, 2016 at 2:01 am. Anyway, I very much appreciate your words SDN… reminding me that I have a gem of a wife. You are right SDN… she IS a gem! I also appreciate your gentle words of admonition: “Sometimes it takes many falls even for a mature person, to learn. We r never too old.” Again, very true. I would like to say here though, that with my on-line EA’s, I always told them that my wife comes first… One OW said to me that she viewed me as very faithful. I was thankful for that… still though, I feel that, in my emotions, I crossed the line… in that I cared too much, but I also know that I would never actually leave my wife for anyone.

    I also know I never crossed the line in a physical sense. I guess I’m trying to justify myself here… maybe that’s another way of really stating that I am trying to feel better about myself. But your words are still appropriate- and I thank you for them. Yes… my wife does deserve my loyalty more than anything else… and she has it. At no time was her position under threat. I told her this, and I told the OWW’s this as well.

    I was wondering how OM2’s wife found out… sometimes these events can happen so fast… that’s how it went with me too, also I believe, willed by God. This is what I meant when I said earlier, “God has allowed me to go so far, and yet no farther.” As you said, “God has saved be before it is too late.” And yet- we’re still free to choose our course of action. In your case, you chose to tell L. In my case, I chose to tell my wife the truth when she asked me “Did you run that errand so that you could talk to OWW?” Interesting your dream before OM2’s wife’s call… Wow! It sounds like the worst is over for you SDN. There is still some lost ground to recover, but you and L will accomplish that together. Your other worries… Mmmm… I appreciate your feeling confident to tell me about them when you are ready, as you say, some other time. Of course I will give you my input, if you like. Yes, you are very intuitive and perceptive SDN. I can see that very well.

    Please read my text below. I would like your opinion if I may. You said in your text of March 4, 2016 at 6:32 am, the following: “I think the prospect of an affair is my weakness. I have to watch out for this throughout my life. This is my true feelings and a big confession.” You know SDN, this is true for me too. I said this before, but I am saying it here again. Because of your words in your last text. Perhaps I can speak for the both of us when I say the following about myself? I never knew what is was to have a father who demonstrated that he really believed in me. I always felt “not good enough” and “not really wanted.” All during my youth I never knew anything else. I had to look after myself really, because there was no one else to turn to. You know my history of (sexual) abuse, and I won’t go into it again here. It was my father who told me, “You could have stopped it.” So when a younger and attractive woman likes me, or needs me, I’m presented with a terrible dilemma. On the one hand, I know affairs are wrong. I do not need to learn this –I know this. I do not want to do wrong things. Period. On the other hand, the affirmation I receive from a younger woman’s liking for me / need for me, is so powerful, that it is VERY hard to resist. What I need is to be able to turn away from the lure of the EA, and to resist. Can you follow what I’m saying SDN? Do you have this too? OWW sees me as her “father which she never had.” (He walked out on the family when she was very young.) She never saw me as a potential boyfriend. For this I was happy, although I did really care for her too much as you know. I loved the fact that she needed me and that we could talk so easily and well with each other. I worry about her since I cannot stand to see people alone and forsaken. With my on-line EA’s, now ended 9 months ago, I cared too much for them also, for the same reason. They did see me as “boyfriend” though, unlike OWW. My problem was that I didn’t perceive this until I was in too deep… over my head. I also had a love for them too… not OK when one is married.

    The only way around this is to receive the love of God in our hearts… I know this too. But the “love of God” was such a vague idea for so long, that I did not see this as a real “solution,” even though I know this is true. It didn’t solve the above – described dilemma for me. I know my wife is a gem. I know she loves me unconditionally, what you say is true. I will never leave her of forsake her. I think you now feel the same with your God -given husband L. But God is giving me a better appreciation / feel for/ understanding of, the “love of a father.” I hope and pray that He shows you this as well SDN. Your L is very lucky with you. You are also very lucky with him!

    It would be nice to hear from you SDN, when you find the time… after “mummy duties” are taken care of. It is good to talk of these things… as I mentioned before. I think God speaks to me though you. It is so that you are here SDN. You take care… WP

    1. Hi WP. Sorry for the slight delay. Thank u very much for your recent post. WP, I can definitely relate to almost every sentiment u shared in your latest post. I understand u fully. When u say that you will always remain faithful to your wife and even tho ‘love’ prevailed between urself and the 3 FB OW, u would have still remained faithful and even these OW knew this. I fully understand this. Absolutely. But not every1 will believe u. So say for instance, ‘we’ conversed even on a sexual level with the OM or OW, we always knew in the back of our minds that it would always be confined to ‘JUST WORDS’ and nothing else. Its because our ‘affairs’ were fuelled by the desire to be loved, wanted, to be approved of, to be reminded of our worth… The list could go on. It was never really for sexual satisfaction. It was entirely EMOTIONAL. Besides our MINDS knowing the truth , ie, we will never go further, our conscience also stopped us from doing anything further. Our affairs were different. There was no compellin reason to get physical bcz the emotions and the conversations itself SUFFICED to the max. Hence the loyalty to your wife and well the part loyalty to L.

      WP, I remember your story about your past and mor so I rem your dads exact words to u.. I wish I cud undrstand the link better tho- the rationale y u would fall easily for an attractive woman who gives u the attention and approval u desire. Its different, cz if u said your MOTHER said this to u, then I’d instantly understand. Or is it that your dad made u feel so worthless that u constantly need the affirmation from these woman to continually remind u of your value and worth. U knw what WP, I understand this! Perfectly now. Allow me to explain. L is amazing; yes he doesn’t shower me with afffection but he is perfect in every othr aspect in our marriage. Yes I’d love the attention and romance and maybe he DOESN’T KNOW HOW to give that to me… I should be pretty satisfied with L. I have everything other women would die for. But honestly, I am still not entirely satisfied. I wish I did feel satisfied but I don’t. I too constantly need men (that I choose and whom I think r worthy) to show me my worth. That’s how low my self esteem is. Inside I am bruised and damaged. Timid and scared. But I don’t show this side to anyone. Ever. People probably think I AM confident. But I am not. Sometimes I dnt feel good enough. I mean why doesn’t L show me affection like the way I’d want?? It just doesn’t add up for me. Is there smethg he doesn’t like abt me?? Maybe he knows how messed up I am. Or maybe in his eyes I am a child. I don’t know. OMG! I am just expressing myself here without ne 2nd thoughts.

      As for OM and his wife… I still pray for her and I feel so bad for her. Really. I almost hate OM. OMs wife found out through hs fone, I am assuming. She saw my texts and my pics on his phone. Now if I think about it, she wasn’t really sure, she questioned me a lot and MADE me believe that she knew a few thgs but really she did not knw fully what was goin on, she fished it out of me. I gave in entirely bcz I was guilty. I did not tell her I met with OM. That would have turned out ugly! How did your wife find out WP? Anticipate your next post WP. Stay blessed and have a lovely evening. SDN

      1. Good morning SDN… Your first paragraph is exactly right. Yes my FB EA’s were purely emotional in nature…never for sexual satisfaction… very true. I do admit, though, that there was a certain sexual attraction… probably because the emotions and sexual attraction are interrelated… the one promotes the other I think. But of course, with the FB EA’s any sexual encounter was impossible. At least THAT temptation had it’s “way of escape” already in place! This is true also for OWW, although of course we know each other at work. Again we had, and still have an emotional bond, but the sexual side was never really a problem. I could really never do that. I would feel SO guilty and the consequences would be very HORRIBLE. After our phone call, things are really in place now with her, and with R. I am VERY happy about this!

        Your second paragraph…what you say here is exactly correct for me: “your dad made u feel so worthless that u constantly need the affirmation from these woman to continually remind u of your value and worth.” There were many other events besides his reply to my s. abuse, which contributed to such low self esteem. But, looking back, I really don’t think he intended this outcome at all. He himself had a difficult youth… he did the best he could with what he had. Very likely the same is true of your father SDN.

        You say, “I should be pretty satisfied with L… But honestly, I’m still not entirely satisfied. I wish I did feel satisfied but I don’t. This I understand too SDN. For a time I had exactly the same thing, and I still do to some extent. I have felt very bad about this… thinking, “This should not be!” I have had more time to think about this than you have, simply because I am older. I think that your expectations/needs… AND mine… because of our pasts, have been set too high for virtually any spouse to meet fully. You say, “I too constantly need men (that I choose and whom I think r worthy) to show me my worth. That’s how low my self esteem is. Inside I am bruised and damaged.” I know this SO well SDN… SO well… All I can say now is… spend time in the Bible, see it as true, and ask Him to heal you from the inside out. I will pray for this for you SDN. I will. I know VERY well how this feels. I know you don’t show this side to anyone. Neither do I. (except to R)… she knows my past pretty well. I do not talk about it so much though… It is a process SDN… building self esteem… we can talk more about it if you like… maybe another time.

        You ask, “why doesn’t L show me affection like the way I’d want?” Probably because his “love language” is not “physical touching,” and yours IS. Perhaps he is not by nature overly affectionate… he may not be a “huggy” person. You ask, “Is there something he doesn’t like about me?” I think this is very unlikely… I have an idea for you… Why don’t you just ask him? Choose a time when you are alone and relaxed, and bring up this question. “Maybe he knows how messed up I am.” Mmm… Maybe… Have you told him your past? From what you say about L. I don’t think he would love you less. You see how hurt he was with OM2? This should tell you a lot! I know how you feel SDN… I can follow so well what you’re saying! Perhaps you are a child in his eyes? Again… Mmmm. He is older than you isn’t he? 8 years older? Didn’t you tell me that some time ago? I’m not sure. But anyway… you could perhaps just ask him. Talk these things out. You will know. I do know, after 36 years of marriage, that simple honest, tactful conversation is a cure for ALL KINDS of crazy misconceptions and misunderstandings. I wish I had known this simple fact way earlier!

        Some good sites on the 5 love languages: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/ and http://www.proprofs.com/quiz-school/story.php?title=whats-your-love-langugae

        Re. OM and his wife… It is good that you pray for his wife. It is not good to say or think “I almost hate OM.” This word “hate” is very destructive… when you think such things, put them out your mind, and ask God to replace them with love. People need to be loved SDN. Of course you know this. Allow love to be the force that drives your actions and your words. This sounds idealistic and a little pious… I don’t mean it that way. It’s just a simple truth. This is why Christ came here to this broken world, and willingly died for you and me. Because we all need to be loved. Hear from you when you can SDN… I hope you have a nice day, Cheers, WP

  6. Hi SDN! here my reply to your text of March 28, 2016 at 9:23 am. Sounds like things for you are going very well… ahh yes the “weekend event” = p/call from OMs wife and confessing to L. Yes- that was a good thing SDN… FAR better than L’s having to learn of this from some other source. THAT would have been much worse, don’t you think?
    Anyway, you are doing so well… I am sure that confession was VERY difficult, but you have DONE it… I am very proud of you SDN! Not so long ago, you thought that would be impossible!!

    Easter was very nice… we had a good breakfast, and then went to a small church service; after that we took a walk around a beautiful lake near us. I like to hear the sounds of the forest and to quiet my mind. So we were by ourselves for most of the day… it turned out very well. Walking in the woods reminds me of a very positive side of my youth… we grew up in a very rural area outside New York City. What about Easter for you?? I think you were absorbing all the internet information you had read, and prayed over… Yes… all these articles are very good… this is a wonderful positive side of the Internet :)

    So…. L went out from 1PM on the afternoon of Easter until 4 the next morning? Mmmm. I guess I would be a bit upset like you… but you are right, nagging for sure solves nothing! Your reaction was good- just to ask him if he had fun…. and to give him his space…. You say, “I am going to allow these times from now on.” This gives me the impression that you have not allowed him to go out before? This is a tricky area, you don’t want to be “controlling” But still… 4AM?? I guess L doesn’t do this so often though…. Earlier in our marriage I would tend to get nervous when my wife (I will call her “R,” OK?) would want to go out with her friends…in other words, would want to be away. That always made me think she doesn’t really want to be with me. I knew this was illogical, but it was hard to shake that feeling. Now it is much better, but it has taken a long time. Again, my history.. Is this something you have too SDN? I also know now that I like to be away sometimes too… to pursue my hobbies… so spend some time with friends… knowing that R is there when I return, or that she will be back soon. Then we have something new to talk about. R did not really have a father; he was away very often with his work. So R has similar insecurities. We recognize that with each other. For me it took a very long time to be convinced that someone would actually be here when I returned. I lived with the fear that R would be gone from one day to the next. I guess that sounds crazy to you?! Low self esteem… insecurity…. exhausting really…

    SDN, your comments about your father…. your sense of insecurity and lack of self esteem. AND… in your words.. your “horrible desires..” How well I recognize these! All too familiar!! Yes- what a profound effect a father has on his child! I’ve said this before, that I see in you a loyal and intelligent/perceptive person after all our correspondence! But impressions received in childhood are very hard to break. It does take time…. You have every reason to think very well of yourself SDN! If I may make a comment about, in your words, your “horrible desires.” I do not think they are horrible at all. Rather they are God-given… but just directed in the wrong direction, for a sad reason. Perhaps they are really a cry for the affirmation you needed as a little girl , but never had? Perhaps this very transparent account in the internet site here below will be interesting for you. I have extremely high respect for this girl and her honesty. I also identify with her feelings… I can understand her well… even though I am male of course. See what you think…
    http://www.salon.com/2014/08/03/why_i_cant_stop_cheating_on_my_husband_partner/

    Yes I have tried VERY hard to be a good father to my children. I consciously fought to stop the legacy with me, and to make sure my children know that I love them. I do recall an incident when the children were young, maybe 4 and 7, that a good friend of ours told me I was neglecting R and putting too much emphasis on the children. Mmmm. OK. So I made some adjustments… Ah well. I was glad that he was enough of friend to correct me. I do know that I express myself to the children, I tell them I love them, and I tell them I am proud of them (and I am!)….when they need my help I give it, in the form of my time or sometimes a financial helping hand… I have also told them about my s. abuse when I was young… no details… I want my children to know me. I did not tell them about my father’s statement. That goes too far I think.

    Well…. we did call OWW together about 1/2 hour ago – it turned out VERY well! Her MRT scan turned up nothing, and we both expressed to her that we care for her… she specifically said to R that she sees me as a good man, that we were / are good friends, and that my only intention was to be of help to her…. So after a 20 minute call, everything was expressed, and we agreed to contact each other once in a while… that she could always contact us if she needed it…. so this was a very good development. OWW also cares a lot for R and my children… so I am very happy with this outcome. After hanging up the phone, R said to me, “I am so glad you did not have an affair with her… that would have been SO difficult…!!” Well, this was a long text… sorry. I hope you have a good day tomorrow SDN. You have been a real blessing to me you know… I am very happy you are here… thank you for your input SDN… God chooses you to get through to me… You are a gift of God to me you know :) Thank you SDN….. Take care… WP

    1. Hi SDN… A clarification about OWW. Of course I will keep to my agreement to talk to OWW only when she is with me. I honestly do not believe I had wrong intentions for her, although I do admit an “EA” -emotional affair was running in the sense that I really cared for her… too much since I was contacting her when R was not there. R knows this, and now OWW knows this as well. During the phone call I brought this up, OWW said that for her we were talking to each other too much as well. She said to R that, had she received the impression that I wanted a boyfriend / girlfriend relationship with her, that she would never have accepted this.

      Ah well… I have talked FAR too long… Now you know really the whole story. You take care SDN… I look forward to hearing from you… I would like your opinion, but no rush! Cheers, WP

      1. HI again SDN… I answered your last text from March 29, 2016 at 12:33 pm in the reply section for that text. I will answer your other questions later when I have more uninterrupted time.

        You asked some time ago for tips on reading the Bible. The book of John- 4th book of the New Testament, is a good starting place. The first 4 books of the NT are the stories of Jesus’ life from the perspectives of 4 different people. They read like adventure stories really. Then the Book of Acts- the first 30 years of the Church after the resurrection of Jesus. Psalms and Proverbs are wonderful. I spend a lot of time there. I will write again soon. Have a good day. I am very happy you are here! Cheers, WP

  7. Hi WP. I know I should wait for your next post in response to my latest above so there is no confusion but bcz I have time on my hands, I am happy to respond to your latest.

    What u have expressed is very interestg for me indeed. Interesting and odd. I say this because I was raised and live within a community where ppl are so narrow minded. One hint of an affair and ppl are ready to shame you, to disgrace you, to divorce you, to taint your name. I mean the mere thought of me conversing with another man made L so distant from me. Its really damaging to be this way. But here u are, sharing your unique story with us. The transparency that prevails between you and R is amazing. More so, the communication between U, R and OWW. Wow! It has ended beautifully for u.

    Its so womderful to figure out how much God is working in your life. I can see it clearly because I am out of the box. R has never abandoned you as a result of your actions; she has embraced your actions and found a SOLUTION. How remarkable. R is an incredible woman. From what I have gathered about u, u r an incredible man with a lot of strength and wisdom. Both of u are most fitting. Its good to hear that your’ll work towards findg a solution to fight against your personal battles. That is a sign of a very strong marriage. I read all your posts and I do my research reading site upon sites on prayer and marriage and affairs. But it saddens me. I am NOT the one who really needs this kind of wisdom. I am an open minded person. Very open minded. If L were to have done what I did to him, I’d have looked for a solution too. L is so narrow minded. Its ppl like him who need this kind of wisdom. But u can’t compel them to enlighten themselves with these sites. The interest should come from within.

    I find myself wondering a lot when I read your posts mor esp your latest when u talk about walking along the lake. It fascinates me. U bring mor character to the virtual WP-helper God Sent guardian Angel.

    I started writing ths hours ago and now I have time to continue… This afternoon I felt abit emotional, two reasons WP. Nr 1 was that L seemed in an offish mOod. He is streSsed, tired and also moody. He can’t seem to handle me n our kids mere presence. I understand the reasons behind his recent behaviour and feelings WP but isn’t this the norm in my home. L recently told me that he is going to b v occupied and I must undrstand that he is unable to gv me the attention I need, ‘for now’. In my mind, I am thinkg, so my marriage must be on hold. L doesn’t realise how detrimental that is to our marriage. I sometimes feel that L is weak. He cannot tolerate certain thgs. U made good points when u spoke about Love Lang and abt L. I didn’t see it this way WP. I will try to talk to L but I dnt have much faith in my convos with him. The 2nd reason I feel emotional and odd today is… Surprise… I actually miss conversing with OM. O God! Please NO! I don’t need these emotions. But its true WP, I miss OM . I am quick to pray abt it but the reality is still I miss him and nly time will make thgs better. I have nothing mor to say RIGHT NOW as I have had an emotionally exhaustg day tryg to figure L and our circumstance out. Especially with my kids and how needy they r. WP, I feel powerless sometimes. Why does L have to b this way!! Having no ‘substitute’ now (OM), I am really fln lonely and unwanted. It hurts me. Sigh! O well, Have a lovely night WP. Stay blessed always. I anticipate your next post. SDN

    1. Hi WP. I hope u r well. Just wanted to tell u that I called OM at work to find out how he and his wife was but mor esp I wanted to know if she’ll recognise me at our kids creche and whether she knows my daughter is at her sons creche. I wouldn’t want a crude confrontation at my childs creche event. To be honest, I’m relieved. OM said he was worried about me and he told me his situation at home. I was glad that him and his wife took his kids out for Easter. That’s a good sign. However there is too much bitter and ‘hatred’ between them and it has nothing to do with me or our EA.

      I feel comfortable and safe now but I will continue to pray. It was good speaking to OM and findg out that he was well. His voice was v different tho. I felt as tho he was abit bitter abt what happened. He expressed his care and feelings for me STILL but I kept quiet. I had nothg more to say to him. It IS over because I CHOOSE it to be. Never again will I go down this road with him or any1. Its never worth L or my kids and def not worth my peace of mind n happiness. I am happy I made that final call. It just closed off my biggest fears and ended this EA once and for all. Let me know wht u think WP. Stay blessed always. SDN

      1. HI SDN, I am well thank you… It sounds like you are too- also seems that your most recent call with OM was a good development. I am sorry (for OM and his wife to hear about the “bitter and hatred” between them… but this is outside your EA. Your EA is ended now. The stress is no longer part of your life. This is good SDN, and every day that passes will be a little better. I have seen this first hand with my on-line EA’s, and also OWW as you know. You have been pulled out of the quicksand, and your feet are on firm ground!! (see Psalm 40.2) Your keeping quiet about your feelings was also very good SDN…yes OM is bitter, that is understandable… but after he has had time to think and reflect he will realize that this is a good development- the ending of his EA. Still no mention of efforts by OM’s wife to contact you… also good!!

        I would be interested in what you think about my comments in my text of March 30, 2016 at 1:15 am in the sections beginning with “Your second paragraph…” and “You say, “I should be pretty satisfied with L…” and again the section in my text of March 29, 2016 at 12:31 pm beginning with “SDN, your comments about your father….” when you have some time… You ask what do I think? In short- looks very good!! I am proud of you SDN :) God has you in His care… I see this wtih you… and L. I am interested in your reponse to my latest long text here below… You stay blessed too SDN… also for always. I like this expression of yours :) Cheers, WP

  8. Hi SDN… this post is a little longer, so you may want to get a coffee or a tea before you start reading. Perhaps I may start this post with a little more about myself- to add “more character to the virtual WP-helper God Sent guardian Angel.” I have a twin brother, a younger sister and a younger brother. We all grew up in the country, an hour by train outside New York City. My father (very much a “country boy”) taught me how to hunt and shoot, fish and sail (we lived near a large lake), and to appreciate the woods as the animals’ home. He taught me to watch out for poisonous snakes, how to chop wood, and how to work hard. My mother (more a “city girl”) knew how to make a house a home; she taught me how to give, to listen to other people, and how to play Chess, Backgammon and card games (She is very good at these!) My parents both grew up in very dysfunctional homes, and wanted to build the family which they themselves never had. But of course, they had no model, no reference. Theirs is the only marriage which did not break up in both of their families. There were no schools beyond middle school in our immediate area, so we all went to separate schools several hours away by train from home starting at age 12. We never lived at home after that, we only visited during school vacation times. The key events of those younger years you know already. I had to learn to stand up for myself, to learn how to trust again, to allow myself to feel my emotions, and to like myself again.

    I am quiet by nature whereas R is more talkative; she is more the “life of the party” type. I’m a photographer (it was part of my job at one time). I like cycling (road bikes) and to be outside in the nature. I like to run (I have competed in the 800, 1500 and 5000 meter distances) preferably out in the woods, rather than on a track, although I have done both. I like to sail and to fish (but don’t do these so much now). I went to University in the American Southwest (state of Arizona) for 3 years, then married R in the Netherlands. We moved back to the US after 1 year in the Netherlands, and lived in the US for 4 years (again the Northeast), then lived in Belgium (for 3 years- where both children were born), then Germany (3 years), and then back to the Netherlands where we live now. We have both learned to speak, read and write English, Dutch, German and some French.” I believe, and others have said, that my basic talents lie in teaching… so I have taught Bible classes, Chemistry, Physics, Mathematics, and English as a Foreign Language; I was a football (soccer) coach and a firearms instructor (rifles, pistols, shotguns). Many have commented that I am a good teacher and trainer. I worked in Germany (living in the Netherlands for most of that time) for many years as a technical consultant in tapes and adhesives / design of surgical equipment for operating room use. I travelled extensively in Europe and the US, (once to Russia) to visit customers and conduct technical training sessions.

    After a near fatal car crash when I was 19, and several other “very close calls” I became determined to find out whether the claim of Jesus to be the Son of God is valid. Since I am a technical person, I need at least “some evidence” to back up what I believe in. After much research, questioning and observation, I asked Jesus Christ to come into my life and forgive my wrongs….and to make me a new person… He forgave me immediately, and the process of “making me a new person” is still ongoing, hence the name “Work in Progress.” This is His promise, that “…. He Who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus” Philippians 1.6

    Well…. I hope you have a better idea now of “who I am.” You… and other readers… know my basic failings and strengths now, and perhaps you have a better “backdrop” for the texts I write. Now SDN, to your latest text … Your first paragraph…. Am I correct in saying that you grew up in a very close minded community, and that you now live in the same community? Meaning that you have never lived anywhere else? (Northeast USA, where I grew up, is a similarly close minded environment, with the same judgmental response to affairs. Strange thing was, even though people are so quick to judge, affairs and divorce were very common.) Did your husband L grow up in the same community as you? Or in a similar community, but also close minded? Has he lived in other places? or not? You say, “the mere thought of me conversing with another man made L so distant from me.” Is this because of basic “close minded thinking,” or is it because L himself has had “trust issues” (like me)? (never mind the recent OM) It would be good for you to know this I think. Thank you for your comment re. the transparency between R and me….. thank you.

    Your second paragraph…. Thank you for your special comments about R and also about me… I might say in reply, that we have had our “share of valley experiences” during our 36 years of marriage which have made it VERY necessary to pull together… beyond being an international marriage and coming from very different backgrounds and cultures. Our daughter (now 27 years old- “M”) was in an abusive relationship for 8 years. M’s boyfriend was physically violent toward M, even threatening her with a knife at least once. The boyfriend attacked me once in my car, and on another occasion pepper sprayed me and a friend without provocation. He attacked our son (now 30 years old- “A”), and hit him in the head with a bat. It was a close call. A could easily have been brain damaged or dead. A was also participating in Kickboxing, and took a kick to the head. We prayed over him (R is strong this way) since the doctor said there was nothing they could do (A’s vision and sense of balance were impaired). Fast forward… After having a daughter together, M left the boyfriend just over 3 years ago. That was an extremely dangerous undertaking, which I’m convinced was led by God. She is now in a healthy relationship, and she has now a second daughter. A is now completely recovered. He is working as a internet site designer, and is doing things on the computer which were impossible to do after his Kickboxing injury. This is the work of God SDN…… has not so much to do with me really, if the real truth be told.

    I’m saying all this for 2 reasons. First, to give you an idea of what God can do, and wants to do, in a marriage, and in a person’s heart. The second, because I believe that the interest in being open-minded, and looking for solutions, which, as you say, comes from within, is launched by NECESSITY. It’s driven by finding one’s self in a situation outside one’s comfort zone. It’s energized by the prospect of one’s life falling apart unless a solution (or better- a change in thinking?) is found. Perhaps this is what L may need- a condition of NECESSITY to “kickstart” that interest from within.

    Only 4 days ago you said that “All is well between L and I. In fact I anticipate things being better.” Then a day later: “Last night L went out from 1pm to 4am this morn.” Then yesterday, L told you, “he is going to b v occupied and I must undrstand that he is unable to gv me the attention I need, ‘for now’.” This really surprises me. I would think that he would be making every effort to pay more attention to you, after your recent conversations surrounding OM! Did he say what “to be very occupied” really means? Is he in danger of losing his job, but has not told you? What does he mean with “for now?” It feels like something has changed, which goes beyond the turmoil surrounding OM and beyond the general distance you have mentioned earlier. It feels to me like he is holding something back…..

    SDN…. I’m not surprised that you miss OM! Especially with these recent changes with L! Of course you miss OM! You are right, time DOES make it better… (You have not mentioned OM’s wife… I take it that she has not called recently? I hope…) I am very sorry you feel lonely and unwanted. You know that I KNOW what THAT is like! You see what you think of course, but my opinion is that L needs to know that you feel lonely and unwanted. It’s hard for me to understand, on the one hand, that L was so hurt with your OM and now so soon after, that he is unable “for now” to give you the attention you need. He needs to know better where you REALLY are SDN. Perhaps this is L’s NECESSITY. Certainly not in a threatening way, no… but rather in an informative way. See what you think. I wait for your next update SDN. I’m happy that you read all my posts! I read all of yours too. In the meantime I will pray and hope… May God surround you all with His angels and His care. Bye for now SDN… I’m very proud of you! You stay blessed too SDN… WP

    1. Hi WP. Thank u for the enlightenment. Definitely does make a huge impact. I have great respect for u. U have seen and lived LIFE. How wonderful. So much of wisdom and experience. To answer your qs. I didn’t mean the SAME community but different areas where the community still constitutes the same race and stature of ppl. Indians I must say are very judgemental people. Narrow minded too. L is the same. With regards L, he works at an engineering company and is at the same time furthering his engineering studies. Plus kids, plus ME (with all my needs)… It’s taxing for him. He tries to work and study and that takes a lot out of him, hence he cannot gv me the attention ‘for now’ and I am supposed to just BE. I understand the need for him to divert his attention elsewhere but… just But. I know what u are thinking. U r gonna say I should read the Bible and stay focused on God so I dnt avert MY eyes and mind… And heart. Yes yes. I agree. But still! Some ppl quit their jobs just to make their marriage work. I’m not saying L must quit his job or gv his studies ne less priority but atleast make some sort of effort to spend time with me. Anyway.. That’s that. I don’t wanna get into that right nw. Its frustrating and it saddens me. Along with the distance he creates, he just doesn’t show me affectionate.

      WP, I am struggling today. Having spoken to OM. I miss the conversation. I am really struggling OUT OF NOWHERE!!! I ddnt expect to feel like this. I feel bad for him. OMs wife is fine. She is troubled but she has no intention of findg out who I am. She does not knw that my child is in her childs creche. I hpe she does not recognise me when she sEes me in person. That was one of the worries I was telln u about. WP, how do I overcome this dilemma? I don’t want these emotions. I dnt wanna miss OM. I felt that OMs whole vibe changed. Its like he was a different person. It made me sad WP. I should nvr have started this EA. Its a curse. I look forward to your next post WP. Thank u for giving me a taste of your country and lifestyle. I found the ‘tale’ rather riveting. Stay Blessed. SDN

      1. Hi SDN… Ahh OK. Now I have a better idea… re L and his work and study. Actually I wasn’t thinking right away, that you need to dive into your Bible and ramp up your prayer time to divert your eyes, mind, and heart… although of course time spent in your Bible and in prayer is time well spent. A very good thing I think, is for you 2 to form a TEAM.

        – A TEAM in which both players know that the other is THERE. for the other player.
        – A TEAM in which workable compromises can be reached.
        – A TEAM in which you realise that L cannot ALWAYS meet your needs, but instead, that you understand this and can agree together to have “date nights” so many times per week, or “breakfast together” or some other arrangement which works for both of you.
        – A TEAM in which L clearly understands that you SDN, his wife, has needs and wants, which warrant his CLOSEST attention.

        In your conversations, if you can steer the mood around to being a team, this would be a good thing.

        I cannot talk farther now, it’s getting late… but I’ll write soon. You take care SDN. Stay blessed always, and may God surround you with His angels and His Care. I have high respect for you. I look forward to your update :)) I’m glad you liked my tale :)) Cheers, blessings to you and yours… WP

  9. Hi SDN, As promised, a text now that I have some extra time. After reading again your progression of comments: 6 days ago you said that “All is well between L and I. In fact I anticipate things being better.” Then a day later: “Last night L went out from 1pm to 4am this morn.” Then 3 days ago, L told you, “he is going to b v occupied and I must undrstand that he is unable to gv me the attention I need, ‘for now’.” and then your comments about missing OM from your posts from March 31, 2016 at 11:46 am and March 31, 2016 at 11:46 am…

    I have the feeling you are not doing so well… but then again, your very positive comments about L: “It also made me realise Ls worth and value in my life. He is my greatest blessing.” “L is amazing; yes he doesn’t shower me with afffection but he is perfect in every othr aspect in our marriage. …I should be pretty satisfied with L. I have everything other women would die for…” These comments I hope you do not forget… when you long for OM because L is distant. It delights me to read your more recent comment from March 31, 2016 at 2:22 am. “It IS over because I CHOOSE it to be. Never again will I go down this road with him or any1. It’s never worth L or my kids and def not worth my peace of mind n happiness. I am happy I made that final call. It just closed off my biggest fears and ended this EA once and for all.”

    Perhaps you have been really wanting to call OM again? Or perhaps you have called Him again? Of course I don’t know…. But even if you have SDN, or even if something terrible has happened, there is no one here who would think badly of you. No one is “without sin” except Christ alone. Least of all me! Therefore the name “Work in Progress” People just want to be here for you. You asked me what I think. Well, This is what I think. I have incredible respect for you for how you have travelled this difficult road SDN. You have strength of character. You are loyal. You are a good mother. You are a good wife with good intentions, who has been tested. You have passed your test very well SDN. I am proud of you… even if something terrible has happened.

    After your reading my “tale” I can imagine that maybe you think that my life is always exciting and interesting… and that yours may look boring by comparison… well… I have my lonely days too. I live in a nation and culture, which is not my own. I still have language troubles sometimes. My employer, for whom I worked almost half of my life, has succeeded in getting rid of me, and I miss my friends/social life at work. I’m searching for my next big step in life now.

    I was awake very early and I was wondering how you were doing, and asking myself what to say to you. I was reading Psalm 139 this morning, and I thought “SDN will like this.” This text tells us that God is always there, He knows ALL, we cannot hide from Him, nor would we ever want to do that. Even though you did not have a father, He longs to be your Father. I hope to hear from you SDN. I will continue to pray for you, for L and for the girls. You look after yourself SDN. May God be very close to you and surround you with His care… WP

    1. Hi SDN, I only realise now that I have not answered your question re. OM and your struggles with your emotions. The only way out of this curse of an EA is NC. No Contact. NC. No phone calls, emails, photos, texts… No Contact. If it’s possible to have someone else drop and pick up your daughter that would be a good idea. NC…NC…NC…NC and again NC SDN. This is the ONLY way it gets better. We both know this. We have both been through it.

      In the meantime, you can pour all that energy into L, into your children, into your close friends and into your hobbies. This is what I was trying to say with my last text on building a TEAM with L… but I was tired and it was late. Of course it’s good to spend time in the Bible and to pray… really pray and expect God to work in your situation. I know He seems far away sometimes… I know that feeling, but do it anyway.

      IFF!! IF… If you have made a terrible mistake… which you are afraid to mention, you pick yourself up, you start again, and you allow people to help you. The worst thing you could do is to close yourself off because you feel ahamed or embarrassed. We have all made mistakes too SDN… we all fall short. I hope you are all right SDN.
      I continue to pray for you and yours. Hope to hear from you. WP

      1. Hi WP. Pls forgive me for not posting here. My home has being chaotic. Thankfully my eldest will go to school tmw and her holidays have ended. I didn’t mention this before but my daughter is like a special kind of ‘naughty’. She is downright NAUGHTY x 100000000000. Defiant and rebellious. She is 5 this year. Her behaviour takes its toll on Ls and my relationship as well. That’s why it was so good to connect with OM cz his daughter has similar traits to my daughter. I have a son who is 10mnths old. Both are very demanding. Everytime I’d pick up my fone to type out a constructive respnse, smethg always comes up OR I’m just too drained to put my mind to text. O well WP. Thank u for all your posts above. I have so much I wanna say to u esp about how nice it was to read your tale and to build on this character of yours. Fascinating indeed. Absolutely. WP, I have been strugglin lately, I am dying to connect again with OM, but bcz I have no real means of doing so, my attempts have failed . THANK GOD. I do have a work nr but God somehow stops me before I call. Yes NC! I ndd this reminder. No I have not made anymor mistakes after we last spoke. But the need to converse with OM is strong. I miss him. But I know I must keep away. I don’t even know how iv been so successful so far. Maybe its bcz my eldest ws at hme with me for a while and I was too occupied. I just hope I can keep this up. Its eating me up. I expect to make a change in my life when she goes back to school tmw. I wanna start working out and resume job aPplications. Anything positive to keep me occupied. Anyway WP, pls let me knw how u r? Sorry for ths short post but I jst ndd to reassure u that I am well. Stay blessed always WP. I look forward to conversing with u better, soon. Keep well. SDN

        1. Hi SDN… Thank you for your text… of course you are welcome to all my posts.I appreciate your telling me how you are… thank you! Ahhh yes.. I completely understand… 5 year old rebellious daughter, and a 10 month old lively little boy… OH OH! Yes- for sure a handful! School will be good for your oldest… and you will have a short rest each day- this makes me happy for you. We had the same when our children were that age. Our son is 3 years older than our daughter. Our daughter had a really rebellious period… was difficult. :( She is very strong willed… hard on the parents, but in many ways an advantage for the youngster.

          It is good to know you are doing well with your EA… I understand so well how you miss OM… really! You miss that rush of emotion, and the immediate connection and understanding…. so familiar to me. The fact that it is new and fresh makes an EA so hard to resist! Interesting you say this. It has been 9 months now since the end of my on-line EA’s. Even now, I will think of them every so often…like you, I wish I had never gotten into these relationships.
          The longer you keep up with NC, the better off you will be. You will get there SDN. I am proud of you! I have not spoken to OWW at all in the last 2 weeks except for 1 phone call when R was with me. On the one hand, I do miss our conversations we had before, but on the other hand, I do NOT miss the stress that went along with them. You say, “I don’t even know how iv been so successful so far.” Well… I can see that you have been occupied. You don’t have OM’s tel number and your conscience is speaking to you. All in all, God has you in His care. I see this in your texts SDN. You CAN keep it up… you have strength of character and you have come a long way!

          Now that you mention it… It would be good for you to work… part time anyway. You have a law degree don’t you? Would be a good distraction and would get you back into the workforce.

          You ask how I am. Well… I’m having my ups and downs… as I mentioned in my last text. Being without work after having a regular work schedule for so long is hard to get used to. Of course I don’t miss the pressure, the long meetings and the politics. I DO miss my friends and my social life. I really enjoyed spending time with my friends and I miss them. I will be there later this week for the 25th reunion of a former boss of mine. I’m looking forward to it! I also look forward to hearing from you. You said you had much to talk about… so I am curious SDN! How are you and L?? Any real changes? I continue to pray for you, L and the children (I thought you had 2 girls, sorry) You take care of yourself SDN… and as you say… stay blessed always. WP

          1. Hi WP. Thank u for your words of encouragement. I can’t effectively express in words how much they mean to me. Yes, we can pray to God, and sometimes its like a one sided conversation¤ I have no doubt He acts and listens when I pray but it feels so assuring to have u encourage me and remind me of how far I have come. It was an addiction and all addicts need support. Thank u WP. May u be ever so blessed and I hope and pray that EVERYTHING your heart desires materialises.

            I can imagine your predicament. Do u feel isolated abit? U always had friends and colleagues around u. Always looked forward to a new excitement everyday but now u are at home. I can relate. I am at home now for 5years. Its sometimes horrible and I so wish I could go out there and work. I think all, in gOod time. Maybe this is your path to…. Finding peace, peace within yourself. You had a very difficult childhood.. I’m sure it impacted on your adulthood. U need to connect with yourself. With God. Find something to look forward to everyday. It isn’t an overnight revelation but soon you will see, things have a way of working out for the best. And look at the suPport you offer me and many others on MM. Your mere presence alone makes such a huge difference. I have the security of knwing that I can always come here and talk to u about my personal battles, knowing that u will respond effectively and efficiently like u ALWAYS do. Guardian Angel WP!

            L and I are back to normal. Yes I see this now.. This whole thing had to happen to make me tell L. Cz now, the fact that L knws, and the way he responded alone is a deterrence for me not to cntact OM even tho I wish I could. The mor time I spend away from OM the mor I realise how the graSs is never greener on the other side and it was really just dried up weeds. I have it all. I just nEed to learn how to b satisfied and maintain my loyaty to L.

            I come from a background constituted of fish bowl activity.. In actions and thought. In our community, ppl are narrow mindd. Ppl are not so adventurous. Everyday is mundane. We have to live up to expectations of society. Every1 minds your business. Things are so domesticated. Ppl are so fickle. When I read your tale and how u have lived your life, it was really so fascinating for me. You gave me a taste of your world. An intersting world of adventure and variety and just… Normality I guess. I wish I could live abroad. This is off the topic I know. I am so fed up with the norms of this society. Our govt. I’m sure u have heard. Let me not say more.

            Yes I nEed to start work. I am quite excited but ALL in Gods time. I trust Him. I can’t blv its been 9mnths for u. I remember like it was last week when I prompted u to tell your story to us, and u did. And look where u r now. WP I think the ‘EA’ with the OWW wasn’t really an ‘EA’ per se. It may have been a hint of it but I have full faith that u will have a speedy recovery with ths 1. Its like how mch I struggled with EA 1 and nw even tho I am also strugglin gettg ovr EA 2, its not so bad. I don’t cry about it. I don’t feel helpless. Maybe its because iv been there before and I have the know-how. Likewise, you too… This is just gonna be a piece of cake for u but we will always b tempted to engage in emotions WITH the oPp sex. We need to be weary. Vigilant. Always.

            Anyway I have spoke enough. Do look forward to your next post. Today is a good day. Not pining for OM. Thank God. Stay blessed , always. Take care. God be with u. SDN

  10. Hi SDN, Good morning! Thank you for this update :) I am happy to see you are in a better place. Your words are well chosen… yes, EA’s are an addiction.. very true. I am happy to encourage you SDN… and I only tell you the truth as I see it. You HAVE come a long way…very true. I AM proud of you… also very true. Also thank you for your prayers for me to “be blessed always” This is a precious expression of yours! It means so much to me…. also that you say my posts are such a help to you and others. I know you mean what you say… Thank you!

    Yes I do feel isolated. We do have friends here… and we visit with them…. but it is not the same at all. I miss the daily interaction, the spontaneous coffee break, the good conversation where we really share what is on our minds… and the history I have- 27 years! One gets to know people very well during that time. But now, 95% of that is gone. On the one hand it’s hard, and on the other hand, I see it as a necessary step. I’m alone far more often than I was before and you’re right. You rightly say it’s a path to finding peace within myself… connect with myself and with God. I am doing this now… and it is a good development. It allows me to see better why I got into these EA’s in the first place… I have time to read, to search the Internet for articles in this area… to think…. and to ponder. I have great respect for your 5 years at home! It would be good for you to have other distractions as you say… to work out at the gym, or have a job….. you know so much at such a young age…. this is good SDN!

    Wow! You and L are back to normal! I remember your saying something similar before… and it could have gone WAY wrong! Also it is good for L to know that he really needs to pay attention and not take you for granted… this is perhaps the “silver lining on the dark cloud.” Remember that one internet site I sent to you about a physical affair which the wife had? Her words near the very end are almost the same as yours in your last text! Here’s the site: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LQUMFYNe8sk

    I can imagine it was VERY difficult to tell L… but you DID IT. You’ve come through the tunnel and now you’re outside again in the sunshine. You have weathered the storm and you are not broken. You have every reason to think well of yourself… and also to thank God Who… I believe orchestrated the call from OM’s wife to spare you and L and your children significant pain. You say it very well: “I have it all. I just need to learn how to be satisfied and maintain my loyalty to L.” This is true for both of us. Remember you said, “I should be satisfied but I am not?” And I said to you, “Yes… I have the same and I feel VERY bad about that?” I have been thinking more about this…and have been reading about it as well. On the one hand we can say we both are trying to improve our poor self esteem…which is probably true… but I think it is more the thrill, the rush of emotion and the “high” of having such a good connection with an opposite sex friend… which is an addictive medication for the lack of security and well being when we were children. We just have to find other, less destructive ways of filling that void which we have talked about.

    I too come from a background of “tunnel vision.” The northeast of the US is a beautiful area, but very narrow minded. Your description fits there also very well. I lived there until age 23. I had completed a Bachelor’s degree, and had been working for one year as a research chemist. I knew this employer was not for me… SO I went back to school in the state of Arizona, 4000 km away. Same country but very different way of thinking. This was one of the best things I ever did. I saw the American Southwest for the first time. the Mohave desert… new people… the Catalina Mountains…and I lived there for three years (You can google “mountains around Tucson” to see photos), then to the Netherlands to get married… and you know the rest. Living abroad for me has one main advantage, and one main disadvantage. The advantage is that I was not “boxed in” by the societal norms since I did not grow up with them. I was a spectator in many ways. Of course I learned… and adjusted…. but I was not bound by them. The down side was I forgot the meaning of “home” for about 10 years…. then needed the next 10 years to redefine it. Living in the Netherlands and working in Germany did not help… I was changing languages and cultures literally every day. It sounds exciting… and it is, for a while. After the excitement wears off (it DOES wear off!) it is just exhausting.

    What does this have to do with having an EA? Simply this- I did not grow up with an idea of real “security.” Living in a very different place added to that “orphan” state of mind. SO when I found the on-line OW’s, I loved the conversations and the real connection we had. I grew to love these people even though I had never met them. I was drawn to them… you of course know how that feels. You’re right about my OWW. She was not an EA in the classic sense…. but it was not right for me to call her so often when R was not there. As soon as we talk about heart to heart topics with an opposite sex friend, that potential for an EA is certainly present… and I did begin to care so much for OWW. I still do. But this agreement with R is good. I do miss the thrill and excitement of an EA. yes… only because it is the closest thing to a feeling of security I have ever had, other than the love of my wife, R. WHY then the tendency to not be satisfied with the love of a committed spouse? I don’t know. The only thing that comes to mind is… I felt deep down that it was too good to be true. I wondered how long it would last. It is true that I lived for quite a long time with the fear that one day R would be gone. Does this ring a bell with you SDN? No I’m not a psychologist, but I would like to understand this better.

    Perhaps the internet site I sent you before is the best explanation I have seen to date. As I said before, I have great respect for the author of this site, and I can very well follow her train of thought. Here’s the site again>
    http://www.salon.com/2014/08/03/why_i_cant_stop_cheating_on_my_husband_partner/ I would be very interested in your thoughts about this site SDN.

    Re. getting over OWW… You say, “…This is just gonna be a piece of cake for u.” Thank you for your faith in me… but I am taking nothing for granted. And yes, you and I… “we will always be tempted to engage in emotions WITH the opp sex” True SDN…. let us both be VERY careful with this, and vigilant. No pining for OM!! Good for you!! You have a good day SDN. I look forward to your next post. Yes, you have come a long way! God is looking after you! Cheers, WP

    1. Thank you also SDN, for your prayers, your faith in me, and your comments re. my support for others on MM. I really appreciate your words. And yes, I am honored that you feel you can come here and talk to me about your personal things. I will do my best to answer of course. You have perceived my faults and have very tactfully pointed them out to me. Thank you for your taking the time to do that in a very non – judgmental way.

      God and His Word have the final say! If there is anything I say here which you know disagrees with Scripture, then please… I would like to be corrected! Cheers, WP

      1. Hi WP. I hope today is a better day for you. Thank u for your posts above. I understand very well what u are saying and how the lack of security impacted on you. your childhood together with the continuous movement left u feeling unsettled all the time. Exactly ‘unsettled’. Oh WP don’t u just hate the fact that your circumstances were such? Don’t u wish u were ‘normal’. For me, I do. And when I say this I mean, I wish I could always maintain my loyalty to L and ne new interaction with the opp sex didn’t seem so attractive. I have a problem. That’s for sure. I hate it. I have to constantly remind myself that chatting to OM or anyone else will cause havoc. That should be obvious. But it is exactly how u described it, “the high and the thrill of it” that tempts me so much. Our problems are deeper. We do it because we have been bruised beyond repair. No1 will understand us. NO ONE. Society dictates ‘normality’. The norm is that spouses should be loyal. But we love starting ‘friendships’ that will lead to some element of inappropriateness. In the back of our minds we know this so well, we do it anyway. I need to tell u something relevant to this. It was June last year, I was in the midst of EA1. So infatuated with OM1 when I attended my daughters sports day and saw OM2 for the 1st time ever. Externally one would look at me and think ‘pretty decent and moral’…. but deep down lies more. WP, I looked at OM2 . I watched him. observed him…. and also observed the mysterious distant between his wife and him. I watched him like an Eagle watchg and surrounding its prey. in my mind, I thought to myself ‘I can have him if I wanted, I know I can’. And so my pursuit was initiated and I found him on FB. The rest u know of. THIS…. is horrible. I confess it is the working of a mind of some1 sick. The convoluted charade just to succeed in pursuing who I wanted and who I thought will give me some sort of thrill and security. Indeed mission success! but much to my detriment and his detriment. I am so messed up WP. how will I cope in future??? This is somethg dark I confessed to you. No idea why.
        Last night I had a tough time with both my kids and I ddnt sleep much. I was moody and on top of that OM was on my mind… but so ethg is odd abt this because I thought of him with so much of resent. After all that has happened he ddnt care, not in the least to find out how I am doing after HIS wife called me and very harshly fought with me. He acted as though the past 5months did not exist. to me, he is a coward. My feelings for him have not switched off entirely. How could it??? I am human not a machine. I often wonder if he ever thinks of me. Is this normal?? I still haven’t tried to contact him. I also don’t wanna seem desperate but I do miss him. our convos mainly. the connection.

        WP, I am rushing through this response… I will open the 2nd link later on and express my views to u. Yes WP, the grass is not greener on the other side, there lies dried up weeds. Not my sentiments. I just relayed what the woman in the video stated. I remember rewinding that part to hear it again. I see u remember that so well, means it resonated for u too. Its obvious why….for both of us. You stay blessed, always WP… Please take care. I always anticipate a response from u. SDN

        1. Hi WP. I had some time now to go through the site you shared with me. O my!!! It is ALMOST as tho I wrote this article. Everything. She shared my exact sentiments. Pls be advised that the confession I made above about my ‘luring tactic’ with OM2 was thought of BEFORE I read the article. Isn’t the similarity uncanny. She says she has a PHD in luring men.. In getting them to want her.. This sounds so much like me. And the ‘daddy issues’?? O my God. This is me. What is upsetting is the personality disorder and the fact that she suffers with multiple personalities. I am questioning. Is this me too? I am scared. Will my problem turn out this way?? The ability to not feel guilt?? That’s me too, sort off. Oh WP, I have shared my thoughts. What do u think? And do u also relate to this? WP, I am also questioning whether I do these thgs for sex. I have so far been loyal to L. Well u knw to a certain xtent. But I absolutely enjoyed the physical acts between OM 2 and I. Especially that the kiss was initiated by me and the impact of my actions on OM2 and how he said he felt at that time. Do u understand me WP? I know I am being completely transparent here. Pls give me your feedback WP. Thank u WP. Keep well and stay blessed always. SDN

          1. Hi SDN, Wow! It’s hard for me to find words to adequately express my high respect for your transparency/honesty… and the fact that we can talk on this level and understand one another so well! To answer your question… Yes, I have sometimes wished I were “normal” and yes, not to have to deal with the attraction for a new interaction with an opposite sex friend. But that is just it, What is “Normal?” God made us as sexual beings, It was His idea to have opposites attract… and let’s look at it another way… I find it difficult to believe that “normal” people do NOT contend with this AT ALL. Do you agree? I’m not trying to “explain away” a problem, but I am trying to be realistic. I do think that we both contend with the temptation of attraction to opposite sex friends more than many.. this I would say is true. Sure it is normal to wonder if OM thinks of you. Sure it’s normal to miss him. This is only human. You are certainly right when you say, “No 1 will understand us. NO ONE.” Actually… not quite true. The author of that website “I can’t stop cheating on my husband” would understand. People judge SO easily! (most often with actions they have not experienced) Horrible really…. I know you know how that feels.

            I have been thinking A LOT about this statement of yours: “But we love starting ‘friendships’ that will lead to some element of inappropriateness.” The pull is there for me, but I do not love it. Rather… I do NOT like it at all. I think you are the same SDN. You don’t really LOVE this, but you are pulled in that direction because of the damage sustained in your early years. Having “daddy issues” does NOT excuse making bad choices… it DOES mean it is harder to steer clear of making those bad choices than for “normal” people. I have GREAT respect for your confession about OM2 and how that started. It must be VERY hard on you SDN… I don’t want to you to say to yourself, “I’m so messed up…” Nor do I accept your statement: ”We do it because we have been bruised beyond repair.” No one is beyond repair SDN. NO ONE. When I think of where you were before… and what you’ve done to pull yourself out of the “quicksand”… my opinion is, that you’re a quality person who was damaged at an early age, but has an inner strength of character and a loyalty which is stronger than the pull to “start ‘friendships’ that will lead to some element of inappropriateness.” Yes you and I have made some bad choices, but you have also made some very difficult, GOOD choices. You CHOSE to tell L. You CHOSE to stop the relationship with OM1 AND OM2. You CHOSE to not call OM2’s work number. You ARE CHOOSING to stay loyal to L. These are not the choices of a messed up, no good person. These are the choices of a strong, but damaged person who is determined to do what it takes to do what is right. Just because you are damaged does NOT mean you are “no good.” Please write that on a card and carry it with you to REMIND you, OK SDN? A messed up person who is no good would have kept up with OM1, OM2 and probably more OM’s! That person would have abandoned L and the children. Most telling of all, a “no good” person wouldn’t have cared, and would have no remorse. The lack of remorse and lack of determination to change make the difference I think. This is what sets apart the author of the website “I can’t stop cheating on my husband.” She struggles too, and feels bad about herself. The truly “messed up, no good person” would not have those feelings… and would certainly not write such a transparent website.

            Re. your second post… As I said before, I do understand the author’s thinking…I can identify well with what she is saying. I admire her for her honesty, as I said earlier. She doesn’t like what she is doing, but I think her issues are far worse than yours. It seems that she is in WAY over her head. The urge she has to lure men is far stronger than yours. I do not see her as an evil, conniving person at all. I see her as a struggling person who has no understanding of the forces raging in her, nor does she have any idea of how to fix it. Fortunately, these days it is far more acceptable to seek professional help with such things. I certainly hope she is able to get the help she needs. I perceive in her a beautiful and intelligent personality really. I see the same in you SDN. Do you have the same damage as she? That I do not know… a professional would need to assess that. You say you are questioning whether you do these things for sex. Mmmm… I think it’s more likely for the short term “wonderful feeling, ecstatic rush” rather than for sex itself? Therefore of course you” absolutely enjoyed the physical acts between OM 2 and I. Especially that the kiss was initiated by me” If you were really doing it for sex, then you would have gone “all the way” right? But you did not, and you will not and yes you do feel guilty. These are powerful forces to be sure SDN… no doubt about that! But only you can answer this question for yourself. Yes SDN, I understand you very well.

            NO ONE is beyond repair SDN… NO ONE. I firmly believe this. When I think of where I was for SO long, and where I am now… and the changes I’ve seen in others… AND… how WELL you have done… I’m confident that you’ll continue to make right choices, since God has clearly “begun a good work in you and will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus. (Philippians 1:6) But be on your guard SDN…Pray… get help if you can… and give yourself a break. I have great respect for you. You take care of yourself… I look forward to hearing from you. May God be with you… and may you stay blessed always too. WP

  11. Hi WP. I hope you are well. Thank u for your post above. I know I can always trust you to be brutally honest with me at times and at he very same time show me qualities within myself that I am totally oblivious. WP, as I was writing my post above, and typing out ‘don’t u wish u were ‘normal’. I knew v well that u were gonna dissect the word ‘normal’ and disagree. I strongly agree with your conviction on that aspect. Infact I agree with everything u brought my notice to. However WP, I am somewhat in disbelief when u tell me the things about myself and how far I have come and about being a good person etc. I know its true but somehow a v big part of me rejects what u say. I don’t know why. I feel as tho I have sinned so much. I feel as tho God is angry with me. Sometimes I can’t help the way I feel. I have been missing OM so much. It actually saddens me. I didn’t know I would feel this way. On a positive note, I am lucky I have no real means of contacting him bcz by now I would have texted him and we have found some way to keep the affair alive. Bluntly put. I stiLl find myself thinkg of him and also wondering ‘what if’. I remember u saying that with the NC policy, each day makes it better. It is true. I really hope I can maintain this. Infact the mor days that pass which OM does not attempt to connect with me, I feel some sort of resent towards him. I wish this whole thing never ever happen.

    WP, I don’t sit on my phone like I used to. I find myself engaged in doing other things. Lil things here and there. I am paying attention to my kids more. Trying to understand my daughter more. Its working so well. Iv started my work out routine. It feels good. I feel positive. My mind is v slowly clearing. BUT deep down I am sad. A heartbreak, illicit or not, is a heartbreak. Missing some1 secretly isn’t nice. I once read a quote which I loved, it says, ‘Life begins at the end of your comfort zone’. So true. Life is starting to normalise. L and I are friends again. We don’t talk about OM or that whole situation. We work as a team SOMEWHAT with our kids. NC WP! U were so right all along. I WILL maintain this even tho I am longing to talk to OM. ENOUGH ABOUT ME!!!

    How are u WP? What’s been happening lately? Do u miss OWW? I won’t ask abt the FB OW bcz I KNOW it is irrelevant. U said u don’t miss the stress but u miss the convos. I think that is enough to keep u on the right track. What have u been up to lately? Do u read books? Do u notice how we seldom buy books because every other topic we desire enlightening ourselves on is all over the net? I miss reading my books. I used to read a lot of novels a couple of years ago. I was always attracted to love affair stories and unique romance, betrayal… Hmmm go figure. Lol. (Not that its smethg to laugh about).

    WP, thank u for being here for me. I really appreciate your words and your efforts. It means a lot to me. I pray that all your struggles be fought effortlessly by you and may God ALWAYS guide you and help u in what ever battle u find yourself in. That is all. I just want u to be haPpy and at peace. Isn’t this the reason we r all here?? Maybe we lack peace. Peace of mind. We are all fighting some battle. O well WP, u take care. I look forward to your next post and words of encouragement. Pls do feel free to express more details on your way of living there abroad as u know how fascinating I find it. Stay blessed, ALWAYS. SDN

    1. Hi SDN… As always, your texts really make me think. Always good to hear from you. I am doing OK, thank you. I can only write a short answer now… but tomorrow I will have more time.

      I’ve been thinking a lot about the site “I can’t stop cheating on my husband.” I understand her so well, because, if I’m really honest, a part of me wants to do what she’s doing. Does this surprise you? However, the other part of me DOES NOT WANT to go there. …I love R VERY much and I KNOW destruction lies just around the corner. I KNOW I would hate myself. I understand YOU so well when you described how you initiated your EA2. I really do. I wish I were normal SDN… as you said… I did not have the tendency to want these “friendships.” It is also true though… that MANY struggle with the lure of affairs… more than we think. What I really want even MORE than these ‘friendships’ is to have that excitement, that thrill and that high in my marriage. I wonder if that’s realistic though, or even achievable. Part of me thinks… “no…” and the reading I have done tends to support this. There is something even better than that… a secure love… a love that will not quit… a love that you can COUNT ON. I have more thoughts on this… and I will write them as soon as I have a block of uninterrupted time.

      I also have thoughts on what to do about all this… we haven’t said so much about that. For now, I hope you are well SDN… May God look after you and keep you and surround you, and L, and the children with His angels. More soon. Take care. God is not angry with you SDN. Really… He’s not. More later. Please let me know what you think. You stay blessed too… ALWAYS… WP

      1. Hi WP. I finally have time to put my thoughts to your post uninterrupted. My daughter is SO dermanding! Yes, this does NOT surprise me WP. U have confessed smethg v deep and I appreciate the fact that u feel open enough to tell me this. WP, I feel the same too. I also wish I could do what she has done. I’d feel the thrill and excitement ALL the time. Like being on a drug (not that I’d know from experience). The effects of a drug. And the feeln is so addictive. We can feel high on ‘love’, sex and every other thg that seems ‘attractive’ abt affairs.

        BUT u have answered all our questions urself WP when u talked about the secure love. Secure love is more. Secure love is real, its Godly (iro marriage), its pure, its true. All the others are based on a lie. On deceit, betrayal! Its fake. Its one big contrived charade! As much as we say we r honest, we r not! How can we be. We become masters in lying. We become actors and actresses without the qualification. We don’t need the CONSEQUENCES of this WP. Just like a drug, the effects r beautiful (an illusion), withdrawal is painful and overall it is not good for our mind, our body, our spirituality and our relationship with God. Where do we draw the line after that? Once a cheater is always a cheater. U will always feel disgraced and ‘dirty’.. Well I would! And the effects on the self esteem are worse. I respect u WP for confiding in me. Knw that u r not alone. Pls let me knw how u r doing. I look forward to a response from u, when u have the time ofcourse. Stay blessd WP, always. SDN

  12. Good morning SDN! Here is my “next installment” as promised which follows my last text of April 8, 2016 at 9:05 am. Perhaps you have written a reply in the meantime, if so, then please read that last text first. This one is again a bit long. It is bright sun outside; I have so much I would like to say… and now I have time to put my thoughts more in order. First… about you SDN. You really seem to be doing better! Makes me very happy. Spending time with your kids, working out, staying away from the phone… all good.

    About being “normal.” You wrote, “Don’t u wish u were ‘normal’. For me, I do. And when I say this I mean, I wish I could always maintain my loyalty to L and new interaction with the opp sex didn’t seem so attractive. YES… I do wish I were normal in the exact same sense that you describe. VERY much so. But the other things I wrote, I think are true as well. MANY struggle with the lure of affairs. I know I do. I understand you when you say that if you could, you would find a way to keep the affair alive, that you miss him. The question, “What if?” Oh yes… I have had ALL those thoughts too! I sometimes miss my On-line OW’s -and the conversations, the connection, the thrill and the “good feelings.” I do remember thinking, when I was in the middle of them, “How long can this go on??? It cannot keep up forever.” I knew this and I was sad about that… same as you, when you said you’re sad, because “a heartbreak, illicit or not, is a heartbreak.” Yes, I also miss OWW. But what is it we really MISS? We talked about that VOID earlier remember? The author of “I can’t stop cheating on my husband” describes this too… she uses the word “empty” several times: “For me, it’s a form of self-medicating a traumatic childhood. Yet it doesn’t work, as it only leaves me feeling angry, empty, and filled with more self-loathing… My husband loves me, but somehow it’s not enough (empty again… she tries to fill the emptiness). “I suddenly snap out of it, the high wears off, and the emptiness creeps in.” http://www.salon.com/2014/08/03/why_i_cant_stop_cheating_on_my_husband_partner/

    Both the author of this site, and we ourselves, have not known what real security is. We never had it as children. We have no reference. We’re trying to understand something we have never had, have never seen, have never experienced. Yet we crave for it, we seek it, we look for it, “We are studying for our PhD.” But that PhD is false. It leads us down the wrong path. We both know that affairs, or “somewhat inappropriate opposite sex friendships” go wrong. They are not what we’re really looking for. We both know this. Am I right when I say we’re looking for peace of mind, to be basically happy, to be loved in a consistent, secure way, to be secure in ourselves (and therefore to have no need of the inappropriate relationships)? I think so. Thank you so much for your prayers! This leads to your next point.

    You say, “I’m somewhat in disbelief when u tell me the things about myself and how far I have come and about being a good person etc. I know its true but somehow a v big part of me rejects what u say. I don’t know why.” THIS I understand. I had the same thing when R or family members would tell me she/they love me. (This has become MUCH much better in recent years.) My reaction was exactly as your text reads, “I know it’s true but somehow a v big part of me rejects what u say.” I think I know why for myself SDN. (Perhaps this is similar to the “why” for you?) Because I felt, sooner or later, it will come crashing down AND ….that they were just trying to make me feel good –they don’t mean what they say..WHY? I will tell you why. When I was young, I had very mixed messages. Positive affirmations (“I am proud of you…”) did not match up with other things which were SAID to me and which were DONE to me. Where does that leave me then? You see? Does this resonate with you SDN? Is this similar to your experience? Does this answer the “why” for you? What do you think? Why for you SDN? I would be interested in your answer.

    When I tell you what I perceive in you… how far you’ve progressed, the positive things, etc. it’s true how the saying goes, “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” You’re like me and like everyone else, we filter out the positive but accept the negative. Is this crazy or what? We see ourselves through colored glasses that others are not wearing when they look at us. Those glasses have filters. The filters may have been necessary to survive when we were kids, but they are no longer needed or wanted or even appropriate! All of my texts I have written to you, and about you, are true. We need to take off the glasses we put on as children, needed then as a defense against the harsh side of life we experienced when we were too young to handle such things. Perhaps needed then, but no longer needed now. That all sounds good…. but how do we take off those glasses?

    Here again that video from Tamar Laroux- she says all this better than I can. She said, “If I can’t live happy, then I don’t want to live at all.” You know her reaction to that. But she FOUND happiness, security, self worth. So can I! So can YOU! It’s THERE! Perhaps see the video again here below, and then please keep reading my text. Perhaps even write out her words. I did that. Was a lot of work …and a real help. Especially the last half. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGQDkCi-OIY

    Similar to Tamar Laroux’s story, God didn’t fix my emotions all at once. It has been a process for me too. I find that when I take my eyes off God and His Word, I slip back into my “dark years.” I need to fix HIS PROMISES in my mind, and count THEM as true. Then, I find, the pull for an affair loses it’s power. We need to see ourselves as God sees us, precious in His sight, worth His “ownly” (not a spelling error here) Son’s life. Then we can open our hearts to allow God to show His care. He uses people to do this… but more often it’s a deep sense of His presence in your heart… a deep sense of security… and of peace. No one is damaged beyond repair. NO ONE.

    We need to allow God into our heart- to ask His Son into our lives and forgive us our wrongs. We need to know His promises to us and replace our wrong thinking with His opinion of us. Then, we need to allow people to care for us. We have to accept their care and their positive comments as true. We must stop the suspicious, too well learned reply to their efforts, “Yeah right! Don’t lie to me!” Maybe, just maybe, people REALLY mean what they say. Maybe they are NOT lying. Maybe you ARE a beautiful person. Have you dared to consider that maybe… you ARE? I think you are. I don’t lie about these things. One special friend said to me once, “More people love you than you know. They just don’t tell you.” I never forgot that. So I make a point of telling people the beautiful that I see in them. When appropriate, I tell them I love them. Whenever appropriate, I very carefully and prayerfully tell them the “difficult things” like you did for me. (That doesn’t happen too often.)

    When I think of the suffering that Christ went through on the Cross… I think, Oh my God! I NEVER want to reject what He did… NEVER. Psalm 139 (The one I was reading and I thought, “SDN will like this”) says, “I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” You are fearfully and wonderfully made. God had His hand on you during your childhood, during your EA’s, when you were pursuing OM2… and he’s not angry. He just wants you to turn to Him, run into His arms, and rest in His Love. God had His hand on you from your earliest moments. He gave you a husband and two children. Your words now come back to me: “L is amazing; yes he doesn’t shower me with afffection but he is perfect in every othr aspect in our marriage. Yes I’d love the attention and romance and maybe he DOESN’T KNOW HOW to give that to me… I should be pretty satisfied with L. I have everything other women would die for.” You know and understand a mother’s love for her children. That comes from Him. Marriage and the family unit are His idea… to illustrate His love for you.

    One last thing. and please remember this: God the Father is not the same as your human father. They are NOT the same! I have to keep reminding myself of this too. When I forget I slip away. I can feel it happening and it’s a struggle to come back. Then the lure of the affair is so hard to resist! Writing this text to you is a real help because it makes me think, and explain. You have challenged me SDN. You’ve made me look at myself, and admit to things I did not know were there until you pointed them out. God isn’t angry. I think He is sad when we remain stuck in our wrong thinking. What we need to do is trust Him, to stay in His Word, know His promises… to allow people to care for us, and through these actions, to take off those old glasses.

    This is a long text I know. I will answer your other questions soon about International living, reading books and “other things I’m up to.” Thank you for being here for me too… for your prayers. They mean so much. You stay blessed too… Always! Cheers, WP

    1. Hi WP. I hope you are well. Here in South Africa, the season is changing and we are nearing Winter. I love winter. I was also born on the last day of Winter. Thank you for your post above. I have read it over and over and I agree with you. We always seem to share the same sentiments. You tend to see things in the same light as I do. Very, VERY rarely do I disagree with your convictions or findings.

      WP, to express my views, I think I don’t believe the good that people say to me because I have a very low self esteem. My low self esteem is not always transparent as I know how to hide my flaws and failures. As a child, my dad abused me SO much WP. I was so emotionally bruised. I was his slave and if I didn’t do what he wanted he would bash me up. I was often very very scared of him. I felt very uncomfortable in his presence. I could not be my normal self around him. I had to act ‘correctly’. You have made me go back to a time and memories I tried to erase or hide. I actually forgt these feelings. I remember having to go with him in his car alone and I’d look out the window the whole time and not say a word. I’d feel absolutely uncomfortable. I must have been 6 or 7. My dad used me. He tormented me. He himself was such an emotional wreck so he used me as his punching bag. How insane :( :( :( I would never do that to my kids. I had an unstable childhood. I could go on and on talking abt the 1000s of instances my dad tormented, abused, belittled me. The funny part is he was different to my two sisters. He LOVED them. He talked to them. He never worry them. He hardly hit them. My dad has this complex. It’s so ridiculous!!! He has this thing against fair skinned woman/girls. I am fair skinned like my mum. My sisters are darker. I was always considered the attractive one. He hated me. He still does. He never wanted me to progress like I did. God was on my side and still is. What did I do to be treated the way I was when I was a baby? Nothing. I was so innocent. I didn’t ask to be born fair. He HATED ME WP! He would pick on me all the time. Degrading me. Humiliating me. I grew up feeling I wasn’t good enough. I somehow ended up being the smarter one too. I showed him. I didn’t do it for him but he sees it now. I educated myself. I take care of myself. I’v got a beautiful family. He hates that I won. However, I still find myself trying to progress more to prove to him I’m not all he said I was. It’s hard for me to trust peoples compliments WP. My dad always taught us about what men want and they will compliment you just for your body etc. Everything was based on image for him. But this is wrong. It is incorrect. I remember OM2 once telling me how screwed up I was. He said it in anger when I accused him of chatting to other women. He said I WANTED him to hurt me so I can satisfy myself that I was right about him hurting me as I always believed he would one day and that its so hard to believe when someone really loves me or cares for me. I am a scarred person on the inside WP. This is why I am cynical. I don’t trust peoples good words to me.

      Its hard being me. I must be a really strong someone now that I think of all I had to endure as a child and adult. I miss OM2 WP. Still. I have maintained NC. But my mind still goes to him. Its so hard WP. However, and that’s a big HOWEVER, I am paying more attention to my kids, on myself, my mind is clear. I am being faithful. God is always on my mind and I’v been applying for jobs. All in all. Its good but I am sad inside :( :( :(

      I will never forget Tamara’s video. I think it has impacted on me the most. I often thought of her experience when I was not on this site. Thank you WP for sharing all this wisdom with me. My Guardian Angel. I hope you are doing well. Please let me know how you are coping and what you have been upto lately. Stay blessed always WP and take good care of yourself. SDN

      1. Dear SDN,
        Thank you so much for your post. I imagine it was VERY difficult to write. I also follow very well what you are saying. The text I write below is given to you so you can appreciate that I do understand your experience. To get past the addiction and lure of an EA. It is good to recall past event only so they can be SEEN for what they ARE, and then be put to REST. I will explain that a little later. Allow me to say here that I am VERY SORRY you went through such things.

        I was also belittled many times. I was also very afraid of my father. I was also uncomfortable. You say, “I could not be my normal self around him. I had to act ‘correctly’. I had the exact same thing! I became very good at knowing what to say, what to hide, and how to stay out of sight. I felt very strongly that he looked down on me, and thought I was no good (but he never said that). Several events burned that impression into my mind. I remember them all very well in much the same way that you can recall specific events when you were so young and so innocent. The worst was my sexual abuse (by his half brother) and his statement to me at that time. My younger brother once told me years later, when we were grown, that he was terrified of the high backed leather chair we had in the living room. I asked him why. He said, that’s where you two (me and my twin brother) would be punished with the belt. He obviously witnessed these punishments, although I do not recall his ever being there. I do recall the belt, yes, but never on that chair. Strange. Perhaps I blocked out those events. I don’t know. I felt guilty because I had an appetite at mealtimes, since I needed to eat (and food costs money). I paid for my advanced degree which I completed in 3 years. I had 3 jobs to pay for school. I would give blood as often as I could since each session would mean $5., (selling my blood really.) But that was better than asking my Dad to help me with the last of my education. My basic understanding was that when we turned 21, that we were on our own, not because we were now grown and were being sent out into the world with his blessing, but rather because finally we didn’t cost him money anymore. He did pay the higher education of my younger sister and younger brother. I don’t mind though. It was well worth it to have done it myself, for the same reason you express. (My twin brother stopped his education earlier that the rest of us). However, and this may be different from your experience, we also had positive memories of going fishing and learning to shoot. During these times I could let down my guard. So we had very mixed messages, as I said before. I did not know what to think, at all. I still don’t, even now. Interesting we are talking about these things now. I was just on the phone last night to him and my mother. They are very frightened for us, living here in Europe. They want us to move back to the US. My mother said, “Our home is your home.” My father agreed with her, “Yes,” he said. My inner reaction was, “I believe my mother, I do not believe my father.” Maybe 5 – 10 years ago, when I was travelling more often to the US, I would stay at my parents’ apartment for the weekend. On one of those overnights, my father accused me of stealing money from the family. Where he got such a wild notion, I have NO idea. All the old childhood reactions came back, tensed, heart beating fast, not knowing what to say next, very uncomfortable. You see? very mixed messages.
        Enough of this now. I write these things to show you that I DO appreciate where you are coming from. I also write them in an attempt to SEE them for what they ARE. Perhaps God has it in mind for you to recall your childhood again, for this very purpose. To see these events for what they are and to put them to rest and get past the attraction of an EA. I have a simple question. Let us say that you like chocolate cake VERY much and look forward to having it as a special treat. Vanilla cake with white icing, you do not like at ALL. “Horrible stuff,” you think, “tastes terrible!” etc. etc. Does this mean that the quality of the chocolate cake is BETTER THAN that of the vanilla cake? Does this mean that the chocolate is “good” and the vanilla is “bad?” Does this mean that the chocolate is more nutritious than the vanilla? Of course you know the answers. You are fair skinned, your sisters are darker. Does this difference make your sisters any better than you? Again, in your heart you know the answer. Your father did and said things to you that no child should ever have to experience. We both need to see these things for what they are. THEY ARE THE WRONG and DECEPTIVE REACTIONS of damaged men, our fathers, who very likely were severely traumatized. (I am not speaking badly of your father or mine for that matter.) Both damaged individuals have passed along this damage to the next generation. You, (and I) and other abused children, ALLOW THE WORDS and ACTIONS OF THEIR ABUSER TO DEFINE WHO WE/THEY ARE. This is the ONLY reason we have low self esteem. This is the only reason why EA’s have been a problem for us. WHY do we allow the twisted words and crazy actions of damaged people define who we are??? We CAN stop this! With God’s help, we CAN.
        It is a process, SDN. Perhaps you should write a letter to yourself, telling yourself who you are IN YOUR EYES, with statements you KNOW to be true. Another idea is to have a close trusted friend, who knows you well, do this for you, (or more friends). You have written the following already: “I am fair skinned, others find me attractive.” “I am intelligent.” “I educated myself, I take care of myself.” “I have a beautiful family.” (and you built that beautiful family!) “I am very strong.” “God is on my side, and still is.” Will you can consider the following statements as well? I think they are also true: “I am a good mother; I demonstrate to my children that I love them.” “I have compassion for other people.” “I know how to be a good friend, and I am a good friend.”
        I know you are sad, and I know you still think of OM and miss him. I also know you are being faithful, and that you are keeping you mind on other things, like your children, applying for jobs, etc. Keep that up, SDN. Stay occupied. Maintain NC!! I know it’s hard, but do it and please write that letter, or have it written by a friend. I have a little story for you. A teacher of 11 year old children gave the kids the following exercise. Each child was to write three things that they really liked about each of the other children. Then the contributions of each child were all passed to that child. In a class of 12 kids, that meant that each child had a collection of 33 items that the other kids liked about them personally. They did the assignment carefully, and thoughtfully. All the kids received their letters. Fast forward 10 years. One of the kids was killed in Vietnam and his personal things sent to his parents. That individual had kept the letters all that time, and were on his person when he died in action. There was a class reunion, in which all the kids (now adults) assembled again together. It turns out that they all kept their letters, and said it was one of the most significant events in their education. Why? Because they received feedback about themselves which they could trust, and which they used to define themselves.
        You said, “It’s hard being me.” You said, “it’s so hard to believe when someone really loves me or cares for me. I am a scarred person on the inside WP. This is why I am cynical. I don’t trust peoples good words to me.” I think you can see from my earlier texts that I have struggled in exactly the same way and have felt exactly the same hopelessness. Allow me to say that this CAN get better. I myself am living proof that this is true. No one is beyond repair, SDN. I hope you accept my texts written to you and about you as true. I hope you consider my statement here now, that after I have read all your texts. If I were your father, I would be very proud of you. You have no reason not to believe this, nor do you have a reason to think that I am saying this to make you feel good. I think you know me better than that by now. One last item. You said, ” Very, VERY rarely do I disagree with your convictions or findings.” This tells me that there are a few things with which you do NOT agree. What are these? I am very curious.
        In my next text, I will share what I have been up to and how I’m doing. I hope to hear from you soon. As you say, Stay blessed, SDN. You ARE blessed you know. Cheers, WP

        1. Hi WP. Thank you for such a thought provoking post. The lessons and the analogy you have beautifully stated about the cakes. You make me feel worth it. Speaking to you on the level that I do has proved to be very therapeutic to me.
          WP, I have a confession. I called OM at work today. I did it in this rush because I knew I wanted to and if I stopped to give it a single thought, I’d have stopped. It was inevitable, WP. I was yearning for him. How disgraceful but its the truth. After our talk, he texted me and a there was an exchange of texts for a while in which I felt such an incredible happiness and high. I noticed my mood elevating and I felt ‘joy’ but when it was over I regretted it. Like I stood outside the box a bit and realised what a stupid move it was. To be honest, I just wanted to hear him say he missed me and he thought of me often. Which he has expressed and more. All along I felt discarded like yesterdays newspaper because he made no real effort to contact me. He says he didn’t wanna cause me more harm than he already has with L. The ‘event’ today was satisfying. He has said he would like to text me now and then. ‘Now and then’. We will see. Things have changed though. There isn’t the spark that once prevailed. This is all I hve to say, WP. I feel like expressing this to you: please do not come down on me like a ton of bricks. I felt the obligation to confess this to you. I see now the relation that we share. It makes sense to me. I know what I did today wasn’t OK. It wasn’t and yes I failed. But I somehow don’t feel too beaten about it. To be honest, ALL I wanted was the reassurance from him that he hasn’t moved on and that I still ‘have him in my grip’. And now its over. I got the satisfaction I wanted.
          I will anticipate a response WP. And I will await quite anxiously. You ARE like the father I WOULD NEVER have had. I am scared telling you but at the same time I feel liberated after doing so. Stay blessed WP, always. SDN

          1. WP I Forgot to mention something important. You said that you had mixed signals from your dad as a child, so did I. He treated me like a slave and was abusive but would take my sisters and I for an outing or buy us ‘goodies’ (often some sweets and chocolates). He was generous and knew the meaning of a ‘good time’. But it was a collective offering of himself. Not doing something special just for me. So I must question, was I just an added person in the ‘benefits’? Seems like it. I doubt my dad feels anything for me today. He has often stated to my mum that he feels bad because financially I haven’t received as much from him as my sisters did. No real efforts made to level that finding of his though. So mixed signals here too. Just like You. WP.

  13. Hi SDN,

    Please don’t worry. I will not come down on you like a ton of bricks. I have no right to do such a thing. The only thing I have to say is, just please don’t do it again. Forget about it and move on. Of course you know that I know the “incredible happiness and high.” We both know what it is to have the regrets afterward. I have the same with OWW. Yes I miss our conversations, but I KNOW that if I call her without R being there, that I will have the same “incredible happiness and high” and the regret later. So, I don’t call her. Done. Over. Unless R is with me. End of story. You are so like me, really! Yes you failed, but, ah well, you cannot change it now, so just move forward, and don’t look back. You don’t have to be afraid to tell me. Far more important, you don’t have to be afraid to tell God. He knows you through and through anyway and He loves you so much. This wonderful fact took me so long to appreciate. I hope you need a lot less time than I needed.
    I think you know a little better in your heart that you are not the worthless person you were led to believe you are. I’m happy you liked my analogy with the cakes. I don’t think there is a problem with my logic here. Do you? If so, please let me know. You, and I, believed a lie and we let that lie define who we are. It is time to challenge the lie and expose it and move on. It is time to start enjoying life at a new level!! It is time to put the past to rest. It would be good to get that letter from a trusted friend as well as write yourself a letter. Remember? Here below is a collection of statements I believe to be true about you, after all the writing we have done. Here you are:
    You have an innate inner strength which has carried you through a difficult childhood.
    You are a loyal person. You know how to be a good friend. You have compassion for others.
    You love your husband and children, and you have built a beautiful family.
    You are physically very attractive.
    You know when you have done wrong, and you take responsibility for your actions.
    You are well educated and you achieved that yourself.
    You are very intelligent.
    You can do quality work in your field of choice.
    If any of these is not true, I would like you to tell me and then convince me. OK?
    Once again, I would like to say that if I were your father, I would be very proud of you.
    Next post. I will tell you what I am up to. I’ll get to it!! Hope to hear from you. You have a good day SDN. Stay blessed, OK? Always! Cheers, WP

    1. Hi WP. I just had to save your last post and reread it. Thank you, WP. Infact ‘thank you’ is nothing. I can’t express how grateful I am for having met you here. It must have been 11 last night and L was asleep. I was so tempted to come back here and tell you how much I regretted reachg out to OM. It was eating me up. We are still in contact, WP, but its not the same. I once read that in an emotional affair, it’s not the person you love or miss, but the ‘idea’ of being in love and missing someone. This makes so much of sense. Ok, so one month ago OM and I were so intensely ‘involved’ and one month later the spark isn’t there? That confirms that this whole thing is an illusion. Its just a lie we tell ourselves. It felt so good confessin to you yesterday. I feel like I’m not alone in this journey. Thank you for the kind of feedback you have given me. I appreciate it so much.
      OM! Hmmm! Its like he’s not my type anymore. Yes he isn’t. This is all I have to say right now. I really want to know how you are and what’s been happening with you. I anticipate your next response, WP. Stay blessed and take care of yourself, always. SDN

      1. Hi SDN. Thank you for your kind words. I am very happy to have met you here as well! You have made me think and rethink, and put things in order. You have pointed out shortcomings of mine which I needed to confront, this is good. But also to hear your story, and put the pieces together, and see so many parallels between our two histories has been wonderful, really. Real eye openers for me were your accounts of your past, and your reactions, and your feelings. I thought, “Wow, someone else has had the same feelings I have had!” It is one thing to know this in theory, (Yes I have been reading about such things to educate myself) but it is another thing to hear it from someone’s personal experience.
        Regarding your contact with OM. You’re right about it’s being an illusion, that “it’s not the person you love or miss, but the ‘idea’ of being in love and missing someone.”
        I could have written your last text about your recent call to OM myself. How you felt like an old outdated newspaper because he didn’t contact you. How you loved hearing him say he missed you. How your mood was “elevated” and the joy was there again, because he confirmed that he misses you, wants to contact you, because he is still in “your grip” in the sense that he hasn’t moved on. As soon as a few days go by with no word you get nervous and say to yourself, “Does he really like me, miss me, want to talk to me? No, probably not” and that awful sinking feeling comes over you, right? Does this describe how that goes? That how it was for me. Then you call, and you receive confirmation that yes, he still thinks of you, and likes you and misses you, and your mood starts to fly. elevate again? Sure, SDNm, I do understand, because I have had the same.
        But you see, what you and I are really saying, is, “Tell me AGAIN that you like me, that you miss me. I need to hear it AGAIN .” “Tell me AGAIN I’m a valuable person, that I’m worth your time, that I’m an interesting person.” You, and I have given power away to another person to define what we are and who we are. We are asking other people to do it because we are not convinced in ourselves, because we believed the lie as children, and that lie is virtually “imprinted” in our minds.
        God has given us Himself first, then our spouse, then our immediate families, then our close friends to provide the verbal and physical interaction that we need. In these God-given interactions, there is none of the secrecy and guilt so prevalent in the interactions within an EA.
        Anyway, of course the best thing you can do in the long run is to maintain NC, I was wondering, does L know that you still have contact with OM? What about OM’s wife? I just hope this doesn’t come crashing down around you again. These things have a way of coming to the surface, sooner or later they come to the light. Best to steer clear, don’t you think? Otherwise you will go through the elevated mood, then the regret, and the guilt. It ‘s so exhausting. How long can you keep up this contact anyway??
        Isn’t it a wonderful thing to confess to someone you trust, something you know is wrong and get that weight off your chest? I was nervous to tell you that I found myself wanting to do what the author of the website “I can’t stop cheating on my husband” was doing. I did not like this in myself at ALL. But I felt that I should tell you this, and avoid the tendency to “leave out some of the truth.” I too still feel the pull of the EA. It’s getting less, but it’s still there. As we both know, it is a process. But telling you this bad part of me has lessened it’s power! It is now far less than it was! This is great!!
        Best to spend time with God in His Word, to concentrate on L and the children, to keep yourself occupied with reaching out to friends, applying for jobs, enjoying your hobbies and maintaining NC. Here is a text of yours, ” I feel comfortable and safe now but I will continue to pray. It was good speaking to OM and finding out that he was well. His voice was very different though. I felt as tho he was a bit bitter about what happened. He expressed his care and feelings for me STILL, but I kept quiet. I had nothing more to say to him. It IS over because I CHOOSE it to be. Never again will I go down this road with him or anyone. It’s never worth L or my kids and definitely not worth my peace of mind and happiness. I am happy I made that final call. It just closed off my biggest fears and ended this EA once and for all.”
        I hope to hear what you think about this text SDN. I guess I need to wait until my next text to tell you how I am, what I’m up to. I will have some time tomorrow. I’ll get to it. Take care of yourself SDN. Stay blessed, OK? Always !! WP

        1. Hi WP. Thank you for your response. Sigh! Today was such a struggle with my 5 year old. She is ever so defiant and I am ever so intolerant. I am truly battling with her. There is definitely a distinct problem. I am afraid to say it but it is true. She is such a lovely child otherwise, very very smart and funny but her behavior at times is really bad. I am emotionally exhausted.
          I read your post above and I wonder if you really exist:) It is truly as though God intervenes and speaks to me through you. Everything you say is always of the utmost quality. I am ever so grateful for your words. You are absolutely right, WP. I just wanted a reassurance on my worth. Put bluntly. This morn OM sent a morning text and I ignored it feeling nothing. Why? Because I got the answer 2 days ago, he STILL wants me and thinks I am amazing. WP, you couldn’t have constructed your post any clearer than you have. It all boils down to my low self esteem. I wish so bad that I didn’t have this insecurity. Irrespective of the source, I wish it would just go away. I don’t want to be like this. Seems as though its going to be an ever battle for me. I don’t want to sin. I want to be a confident woman who is close to God. That is ALL I want. W, my post that you quoted above, thank you for reminding me of how I felt at that time. Something big is happening in my life, WP. I am learning to appreciate L and I am going through havoc with my daughter. I am being tested, ripped apart, I am being pushed so hard, I am being tempted as well. When will it all stop, WP? I love my family SO much. I don’t want this EA. Its disgraceful. Its a sin. No, L does not know I was conversing with OM. I don’t like OM that much, I don’t know why. I enquire about things at home with him, he has such huge problems with his wife. OM reminds me of my dad. Seems like an attractive deal until you witness things behind closed doors. He is somewhat immature.
          Its about 10 am and I am exhausted. I feel bad about my daughter’s behavior and the fact that I am weak and intolerant. But she IS the height of defiance! Oh, well I am going to rest a while. You take care, WP, and of course stay blessed, always. May everything good come your way. SDN

          1. Hi SDN. My response to your text from today: Oh yes!! I DO exist!! And I use the name “Work in Progress” because that is what I am! Low self esteem is a terrible thing, we both know this. Coming out of it is a process, and it IS possible to do it. Thank you so much again for your kind words, they mean so much to me. I urge you to write that letter to yourself. Have a close trusted friend do the same for you. You may be surprised at what comes out!
            Again, I could have written a big part of your last text myself. About wanting to be confident, self-secure person who is close to God. I wish I didn’t have this insecurity too. I CAN say it is a lot better than it was before!! (But I have had more time, so don’t feel bad.) I definitely do NOT want to sin. I really DO NOT! Same as for you, SDN. This is why confessions are difficult.
            I find that my self esteem has been helped little by little over the years through my relation with R. Now 36 years, through reading the Bible and replacing the lie in my head with the truth in there and through investing my time and energy in relationships. The nice things that people have written in birthday cards, emails from colleagues, conversations with friends have been a real help, and yes, also the EA partners. The truth of Scripture is an extremely secure peace which grows with time. We need to spend time in the Bible and learn these promises, and make them our own. We need to spend time with other believing Christians and allow them to help us. R’s contribution has grown over time as well. Conversations, cards, emails are an added “bonus.” ONLY with the EA partners, was there this intense “high, elevated mood” and intensity, that, if we are really honest, does not feel quite right. It is just a little “off.” BUT it is intense and invigorating! But you know this of course.
            Strange that for some reason, the interaction in an EA is the most intense, and is the only one which “feels off” and drives us to be secretive about it. This is because EA’s are outside God’s intention for us.
            Perhaps you need to involve L a lot more. Does he know your family history? Have you told him about your father? If not, you really should. Tell him what you need and tell him what you want. Tell him you do not want an EA. (I think I wrote this in an earlier text?) Tell him that you need his love and affirmation. Tell him, involve him!! And, last but not least, please do not contact OM any more. This will hurt you SDN (and it is very hurtful to him, he cannot have you, and he’s having big problems with his wife. This MUST be difficult.) Added contact will only prolong the difficulty of letting go, which, sooner or later, MUST HAPPEN. AND you really do not want L to learn that you are still in contact do you? I know it is hard, believe me. But we both know that NC is best. Delete his work number and make it impossible to contact him. Tell him farewell in a letter or text. I know it’s hard. I remember the struggle I had to delete my FB page but I am SO GLAD I did!!
            With your daughter, perhaps talk to other mothers? Involve L here too? You two need to work more as a team. We talked about that before. Anyway, if you can read Scripture, reach out to people, involve L more, keep applying for jobs, and seek advice for your daughter. All these activities are needed and will distract you from needing to contact OM.
            Well, I wrote these lines earlier today before seeing your last text. Here some observations I have from your texts. You said, “My dad has this complex. It’s so ridiculous!!! He has this thing against fair skinned woman/girls. I am fair skinned like my mum. My sisters are darker. I was always considered the attractive one. He hated me. What I find hard to understand is the fact that your dad “has this thing against fair skinned women/girls” but he married your fair skinned mother. I guess I’m missing something. “I was always considered the attractive one”. Do you mean by your sisters and mother only? Or by your dad as well? Seems that here is a lot going on here which has nothing to do with YOU. Perhaps the abuse took place expressly BECAUSE you are the attractive one, and you HAVE succeeded. I infer from your comments that your sisters did not succeed in the same way that you did? Perhaps your dad feels women shouldn’t “succeed” but be “kept small” so that the men feel better about themselves? Or perhaps there is another, “more frightening reason?” I don’t know. I do know that you can be proud of yourself and what you have achieved. I do know that you can come out of this healthy and whole. I guess you have a good relationship with your mother? Has she supported you, encouraged you, affirmed you? You have never mentioned her really.
            More recently you said, “I doubt my dad feels anything for me today. He has often stated to my mum that he feels bad because financially I haven’t received as much from him as my sisters did.” “He would take us all out for an outing.” These statements tell me that at least he likely does care for you. Why all the abuse then? My only answer is that it is known that parents tend to do the same things to their children that they experienced when they themselves were small. This sounds crazy, but this is a known tendency. Why you and not your sisters? Hard for me to say. I DO know that if your father really “hated” you, he would NEVER feel bad about not helping you as much as he did your sisters. He would not include you in the outings to buy goodies. These things would never cross his mind!! Just some things to think about.
            The only reason I bring these things up is to get you to challenge what you and I have believed all these years, and to get beyond the past, to BREAK the power of EA’s!! I do know that R is my God given exclusive source of physical intimacy and main source of affirmation and companionship. I want to feel better about myself so I can be a better husband for her. If I step outside my primary relationship with R, I know that “EA trouble” is lurking in the shadows, and that, sooner or later, “EA trouble” will find me. I also know that “EA trouble” has no power over me as long as I stay inside the fences God has set in place. This I have learned, SDN. (I knew this before but I had to learn it again. Crazy really.)
            Well, another long text, SDN. I know you can come out of this quicksand called “low self esteem.” You CAN! Others have done it, and so can you. You do not have to let your past become your future.
            If OK for you, I would like to see your letter to yourself. You already have the statements I have written. Are they all true in your mind? I would be interested in your reply, SDN. Reach out, share yourself more with L, seek help for your daughter, read the Bible and pray. “Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.” Give yourself away to others, SDN. There are many who need what you have to give.
            You have a good day and stay blessed SDN! Always!! Cheers,WP

  14. Hi WP. I hope you are well. The purpose of the post is to relay that I am busy this weekend. I have just arrived from this spiritual enlightenment and awakening seminar. It was mind blowing and phenomenal. Its spiritual sessions that are not confined to any religion. Its associated with the Ones University. Its international. Very interesting. I have been persuaded into attending and wow was it remarkable. Tomorrow will be the 2nd day of the seminar. These sessions have broaden my wisdom about life and why certain things happen. Whilst listening and practicing today, I have thought of everything you have ever told me and everything correlated so beautifully. You are not a coincidence, neither is my attendance at this seminar. I have read your post and I want to reply at length also with my letter that you urge me to write which I WILL. So WP, please await my response possibly Monday evening or Tuesday morning. Until then please take care of yourself and stay blessed, always WP. SDN

    1. Hi SDN!…Ahhh nice to hear that you are occupying yourself with new things. This is good for you :) I think you mean “Oneness University?” I don’t know the Oneness University, but I would be very interested to hear about the things you have learned, and how they correlate to the things we have talked about. Of course you are not a coincidence either SDN. Maybe in your next post?

      Well, SDN, How am I and what am I up to these days? I have been basically “on hold” after my work stopped at the end of January. I have been spending a lot of time on your texts, and also on the internet researching these questions and thinking about my own history since yours and mine are so alike. You have caused me to go back too, to things I have not thought about for quite some time. But that’s OK; It’s good really. R and I will go to visit my mother and father in the US this coming May 16 – 24. The last time I saw my family was in September of 2012. I’m a little nervous about this visit, but it is something I very much want to do. I really don’t want a confrontation, but I don’t know what is waiting for me.

      I am spending more time with my own children and their families; this is very special for me. I am the “family photographer” so I work on family photos, as well as on my own work (architecture, street photos and nature/landscapes). I built my own website a little while back and I am adding more to it now. I like to get out on my bicycle; I am starting up self defense (Krav Maga) training following several years of judo when I was in school; I am a member of a shooting organization here, and also of a photo club. I need to be around people; my friends are important to me.

      I do miss OWW sometimes, but I think that is settling down to a much better arrangement. It is good that I am not calling her so much, the pull is far less and I love the absence of “EA stress and guilt.” I am concentrating my attention on R. We visit friends, we go on little outings, we spend time with the children; I know I need to spend time in the Word of God as well.

      I guess this is a good “snapshot” of where I am right now. It is easier for me to be by myself and I am able to step back from my “dark years” more and more and detach myself from them. Sometimes I slip back as I mentioned before. I have learned so much from talking with you and really trying to understand EA’s and recognize them and get beyond them. I am taking nothing for granted though. EA’s remain tricky, and I still feel the “pull.” I’m not saying I’m all the way there yet! But I’m not giving up!!

      Winter is starting in South Africa? I like winter too. I have always liked snow. You were born the last day of winter? That would be 21 September, in S. Africa, right? I will write on “international living” as soon as I can – I haven’t forgotten about that! What are your hobbies SDN? Perhaps you don’t have too much time with two small children. Are you still working on job applications? I look forward to your letter!!

      Well SDN…. I wish you a good day, and I look forward to your response when you have some time, as you said, Monday or Tuesday morning. I will pray for you, for your L and for your children. Please take care of yourself, and know that you are blessed. Now and always, God has a special place for you in His heart SDN. He has His eye on you you know – never to judge or criticize…only to care for and to bless..and to bring you to Himself. The Bible tells us this in Psalm 121, Psalm 91, Psalm 34, John 3:16, John Chapter 6, John Chapter 8, Ephesians Chapter 2 and 5…of course there is far more :) Cheers, WP

  15. Hi WP, I am really sorry for the slight delay, this would be my 3rd attempt in typing a message to you without being distracted. This weekend has been transforming for me. My mind has cleared. I feel closer to God and I am almost rid of my EA! Ok maybe RID completely because I am no longer attracted to this EA I once had and I wonder if this means ANY prospect of an EA ever. Only time will tell. Before I go on, here is my letter to myself:

    I am a unique individual. My uniqueness started with the giving of my name from a baby. I have a very unique name and I love it. I have good morals and strong values which I try to maintain. I was born with an innovative intelligence and the gift of perception which helps me understand people. I am humble and I always make people feel good about themselves. I don’t make people feel inferior to me. I am kindhearted and I Love intensely. I am sincere and too sincere for this world. I am considered attractive. I am well spoken and I have educated myself well. I love my family. I honor and care for my parents. I try to be a better mum and when I fail in any way I get upset. My children comes 1st always. I try to be a loyal wife, I try to make things work always. I am open minded and I have the capacity to embrace many spiritual literatures and beliefs. I am ME…

    So WP, what do u think? I should be happy with ME. But alas things hold me back. U are visiting your family in a few weeks. Wow. I can imagine your nervousness. I think u should embrace the experience and keep a positive attitude towards your meeting until u do. Then let all your thoughts, actions and words towards your family be constituted of LOVE. U will never go wrong. God is guiding you. May I ask what your worries are about your visit. WOW a photographer. I believe there is a bit of photography in us all (ha ha ha). I think I am good at it. One has to have an eye for detail and see things in a beautiful artistic way.

    I hope u are doing well otherwise WP. My hobbies- yep not much time NOW. But my passion is dancing; More South Indian village style and classical. Not contemporary. The last day of winter in SA is 31Aug. The Oneness University yes.

    Basically we were programmed to think that God is everywhere and within us. We r ONE with God and not separate entities. We were taught the art of prayer and we had to deal with relationships of our own. We had to heal ourselves. All this was done through different exercises. We also meditated and focused a lot on God. During the relationship segment, we had to forgive our parents and also ask for forgiveness, this is where I thought a lot about what u had helped me deal with the hurt of my dad and I had to surface a lot of things that happened to me in the past which u and I had discussed. Its like our convos was a build up to this healing. It helped me. We also learnt that all God is one.

    It was a healing and clearing process. I needed this so much WP. The laws of the universe also helped me understand life a bit more. And doing wrong things will only affect me. The Karmic law also played a big role . I realized that all that had happened to me during my childhood moulded me and this has an effect on my relationship with my daughter. She defies me all the time. I have found more peace within myself attending this seminar. I learnt that we attract certain kinds of people into our life. OM2 was attracted to me by myself. The laws of d universe are real. OM2 is as damaged as I am. I needed him for security and to make me feel good about myself.

    WP, I hope I have answered all your enquiries. Pls let me knw how u are doing recently. Stay blessed always and have a good day. SDN

    1. Hi SDN! No worries about a delay sometimes. I have had that too, sometimes I start a text, then I’m called away for a while. Your latest text is very interesting… I needed to read through it several times to formulate a reply to each paragraph.

      You feel closer to God and you’re more or less over your EA! Both developments are wonderful! Re. the prospect of an EA… I think you and I both have to especially beware of EA’s in general because of where we’ve come from. It takes prayer, persistence, trust in God’s promises and time to realize for ourselves who we really are in His sight. When I read all the stories of how Jesus treated people, how He cared for them… He healed them… was called the friend of sinners… loved kids… etc,etc. …then the horrors of the crucifixion. He knew what He was facing beforehand, and even healed one of the soldiers who took Him into custody… and asked His Father to forgive those Who put Him there… (He could have stopped the process at any time). I’m at a loss for words. When I fathom His love for you and for me, and He paid for OUR wrongs and took OUR sin on Himself- then EA’s have no power at all. It’s easy to slip, and the “pull” can “rear it’s ugly head”… this is one of the things I liked about Tamar Laroux, her video… her comments near the end of her talk, about how she had to take responsibility for her own progress. Yes, Only time will tell.. and also your own resolve. But you have come far SDN… really!!

      I REALLY liked your letter! It describes a very sensitive, but strong individual. Yes… If this person were my daughter, I would be very proud of her. Names are very important, and have significant meaning, something Europeans and Americans tend to forget… Interesting comment of yours. “I have good morals and strong values, which I try to maintain… a very honest statement. “Innovative intelligence”, and “gift of perception” Yesss, I can agree with these. All your statements ring true for me. This letter has been well thought out, probably reworded a few times, and finely tuned. It’s very good really. You say “I am humble” which can be a statement of “false pride,” but I don’t see false pride with you. Elsewhere you say “I am considered attractive” rather than “I am attractive.” You say several times, “I try to be a better mum, I try to be a loyal wife, I TRY…” rather than saying that you accomplish all these things. All these taken together tell me you’re not a prideful person who places herself above other people. There is just one statement in there, which you have said in an earlier text, which I wonder about. You said, “My children come first always.” My immediate reply is, “What is your husband’s place then?” At one level, our children do come first in the sense of their protection, safety, and well being… but I interpret your statement to mean that the children in general take priority over your husband. I was doing the same thing without realizing it several years ago, (to stop the generational progression) until a good friend pointed this out. I made some adjustments (my wife should take general priority over the children, and she felt justifiably neglected) and things regained their proper balance. That did not get fixed overnight.

      Your other statement at the very end is also intriguing, “I am open minded… I embrace many spiritual models and beliefs…” My reaction here is, “Does this mean you agree with all the tenants of “many spiritual models and beliefs?” My reason for asking is, What do you do when they don’t agree? How do you resolve a disagreement? I especially like what you say at the end, “I am ME.” THIS ending I liked very much! Your letter describes a confident but not prideful person who recognizes her limitations, and failings, yet loves and cares very much. Dance is a wonderful past time! I’ve never seen “South Indian village style” but classical … Ahh very nice! Wow…!! (My daughter is getting into Zumba dance….) Yes, photography requires patience and an eye for detail, very true. I think you WOULD be good at it. Do you have a camera? or do you use a smartphone camera?

      Yes, you SHOULD be happy with YOU. You CAN be happy with YOU. Yes there are some things holding you back, we have talked about many of these things and have hopefully put at least some of them to rest. You have come so far SDN… truly remarkable. God is guiding you too!! I can see this. I found your last three paragraphs interesting as well… the prominent place of forgiveness, prayer and how we’re moulded by and through our childhoods- and that healing is possible and emphasized.

      I am busy these days with the children, and looking for a new job and direction… the weather is warming up (It’s spring here) so I have work to do in the yard now, as the days are getting longer. I spoke to OWW today after 2 weeks… she texted me to say she just broke up with her boyfriend, I think now for good, so I called her (R was not there so I felt guilty but I was REALLY wondering how she was). I kept talking until I was back at the house with R, so R could hear our conversation. Later I gave the phone to R so she and R could talk as well, so I think it was all right. R asked me if I had called OWW before when she was not around, I could truthfully say, “No I had not.” SO this policy is working pretty well. R is part of things now, “OWW” is becoming far more a family friend instead of an “EA partner.” We talk maybe once every 10 days now or so. SO far so good. I think it will become more seldom now; OWW seems to be doing pretty well.

      I really liked your letter. I appreciate your open minded viewpoint. I think there is much to be learned from all religions. There are some basic disagreements though. I would like to hear from you further on this. Have a care with EA’s!! I’m talking to myself here too. :)) Take nothing for granted!! Take care SDN…… WP

      1. Hi SDN, I know I have not answered all your questions, but I will get to these later. Your seminar sounds very interesting… I would like to hear more, if OK with you. God is looking after you SDN…As you say so often…stay blessed, always. WP

        1. Hi WP. I am glad you found my post interesting. I will most certainly tell you more about this seminar, perhaps you can also go if there is something similar in your location. I am surprised WP. You and OWW have conversed once again. I thought that her BF broke up with her initially. And now you say she broke up with him. Some instability wouldn’t you say? Makes sense though. You did say she had problems with her dad. She attracted this type of man in her life. He probably is also very insecure and somehow damaged. Isn’t it sad that damaged people always reach out to others and create damaged relations. It is true. I know you will disagree here somehow and I also know why. WP have you ever noticed how we will long from a text or whatever from the OW/OM and it will never happen but when we least expect it, it will happen?? If this is true, I am guessing that really OWW was on her way out of your mind and she unexpectedly texted you. OWW should not be a family friend. You have an attraction to her WP. And I guarantee that she gets comfort from you. How do you know for sure that she doesn’t see you as something more than a father-figure? You will never know. Women have the tendency to camouflage these things and yes as we have established even YOU have a way of doing this. I think you know how much R loves you and she probably forces herself to accept the situation with OWW because she LOVES you unconditionally. OWW is a threat. You cant deny this. Think about it. It’s about time she moves out of your mind and out of your life for good. We all want to help people with their problems. WHO HELPS US???? I read your post and I just see through it. Why would OWW text you? Why after weeks and why only once she has discarded her relationship with her troubled bf? Its good to help people WP, but not at the detriment of your sanity, your peace of mind and your relationship with R. And I know the type of person you are. You are gentle, kind and compassionate. You are a helper. Think about this WP, I need to go right now. Will respond again asap. Need to say a lot more especially answer your enquires above. Stay blessed always WP.

          1. Hi SDN,
            Yes, I WAS a little surprised OWW texted me. When she said she broke up with her boyfriend, I knew it was more permanent, she had never wanted to take that step before. Yes, very unstable, she has known this for some time. Her dad left the family when she was very young. And yes her boyfriend has “broken up with her” more than once in the past. You say, “You did say she had problems with her dad. She attracted this type of man in her life. He probably is also very insecure and somehow damaged. Isn’t it sad that damaged people always reach out to others and create damaged relations. It is true. I know you will disagree here somehow and I also know why.” Well actually, no, I don’t disagree with you here. It is true that the boyfriend “has issues.” I have never met him, but I have heard enough about him. Ah well. She did say in that recent phone call, “I do miss having somebody who is with me, but I do not miss HIM.” That tells me that this time the break is probably for good.
            I must say that the rest of your text is exactly right SDN. I was really not expecting a text from OWW at all, so when it came I was surprised. She WAS on her way out of my mind, very true. I think you are also right when you say she should not be a family friend. I do have an attraction for her. I guess she gets comfort from me, otherwise why would she text? You’re right SDN. Maybe she does see me as something else other than a father figure, but that would surprise me somewhat. You’re right about R. OWW is certainly not neutral, and therefore a threat. I think that is true. Yes. You’re right. You are very perceptive SDN!!
            Also good point of yours, yes I don’t like to see people in trouble, but I do have to draw a line somewhere. I know this, but I’m not very good at doing it. Part of my problem with drawing lines comes from my experience with broken promises. People make commitments, they may mean well, but they are gone sooner or later. I don’t want to follow that same path, but sadly, I have done the same. (I’m thinking of the online EA’s) and I don’t like this at all. This hurts. Anyway, your most recent text was confirming things I basically knew, but was pushing to the background. Now when you spell it all out, It’s far more obvious.
            Yes I would be interested in your replies to my enquiries. Yes, I would like to hear more about your seminar. I think you are now having much less trouble with missing OM?
            I hope you are well and that you are enjoying the beginning winter days. You have a good day, and always stay blessed! Thank you for this most recent text. Cheers, WP

  16. Hi WP. I’m so glad you responded. I was abit nervous as I thought u may have took my last post as me being brutally blunt.

    I am also glad u agreed with most of my sentiments. I need to correct something I said- I said , isn’t it sad that damaged people reach out to others and create more damaged relationships. What I meant was isn’t it sad that damaged people reach out to other DAMAGED people and create more damaged relationships. Like OM is damaged and so am I, hence damaged relation. And sinful one tOo!

    The seminar I attended is called Spiritual enlightenment and awakening. It is a process. It is based on the teachings of the Oneness University and only a few people are skilled to do the seminar and teach the exercises as well as other energy transfer practices. Everything is based on God. And we learn that God is ONE with us. The most interestg part for me was the art of prayer. We must be specific when praying, we must pray with pure passion for what we ask for, we must feel the joy of having what we ask for as if God has already answered our prayer and then we must thank God for gracing us with answered prayers. We should keep a prayer journal so that we actually see and believe that no prayer ever goes unanswered. It was a beautiful two days spent on focusing on God. Meditating and praying. The exercises were also amazing. We listened to beautiful music when we meditated. It was very calming and life-changing. My focus was away from my insecurities and EAs. It made the concept of an EA sEem so low and stupid and IT IS. Its an illusion. God is all we need. We just need to know how to reach out and invite God into our lives.

    WP, u asked me an amazing Q the other day, how do I reconcile the convictions of different beliefs when they differ. Well, I try not to place too much emphasis on the differences and there are A LOT of differences WP. Too many to mention. I just believe in a Higher Power. I don’t place too much thought on for instance Idols. I know the Bible resents Idols. This differs in Hinduism. Sometimes I reject both beliefs if it won’t tamper with my way of life and living. God understands me. Why must I dwell in questioning this belief and that belief. Every religion is true in the eyes of God and is only an instrument to take us to God and keep us with Him. To keep us Godly. WP, I do observe the differences but it doesn’t bother me much. I embrace all beliefs equally. I love my interpretation.

    As for OM, he is still in cntact with me but I text back in response most of the time. Things have changed. The rose tinted glasses are off. This EA will dissipate on its own without any real efforts. I am far to busy appying for jobs and getting responses too. I am positive things will change for me very soon so I don’t see OM as a threat to my mental health as I am on d right track. Its just an illusion. He is an illusion. ‘Chatting’ creates illusions. OM proved this to me. Yes we converse with caution and yes its still wrong.

    I hope u r doing well WP. I anticipate a response soon. Take care of yourself WP and stay blessed always. SDN

    1. Hi SDN, I thought your next to last post was very straightforward… the word “blunt” has a negative side to it which doesn’t apply here, let’s better say “concise and to the point.” and also well worded and true. I take no offense at all! (But you see that of course). Very true what you say about damaged people reaching out to other damaged people, creating damaged relationships. Sad, but true. The wonderful thing though, is that we CAN find healing…. and we CAN get beyond the emotional roller coaster. Healing is there, as we both know. You have come far SDN! Your recent texts also feel like your self esteem is not quite so low… You sound more free and confident in your most recent text…. You are busy applying for jobs, you are occupied with the children…there is little room now for the EA’s lure. This is good! You do not mention L….. I hope you two are alright……

      I like your comments about the seminar you attended, and especially your comments about prayer. Your comments are very close to what the Bible says about prayer… The Bible tells us to “pray without ceasing. in everything give thanks, for this is the will of God for you in Christ Jesus.” (in 1 Thessalonians 5), “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which passes all understanding, will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus.” (in Philippians 4). “This is the confidence that we have before Him, that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us, and if we know that He hears us in whatever we ask we know that we have the requests which we have asked from Him.” (in 1 John 5). Of course there is far more about prayer in the Bible….. fascinating really. Prayer journals are a very good idea….. It’s something I have never done, but I can remember prayers which have been answered almost immediately, and some which have taken months, and sometimes years for clear answers to come through. Many are not finished yet…..but that’s OK.

      The reason I am asking about how you reconcile differences in various belief “systems” is because, while they all have some elements of “truth” (respect for God, being kind to people, being thankful, not prideful, etc) as you say, there ARE multiple disagreements among them. I can understand you when you say, “Why must I dwell in questioning this belief and that belief. Every religion is true in the eyes of God and is only an instrument to take us to God and keep us with Him. To keep us Godly. WP, I do observe the differences but it doesn’t bother me much.” The reason I think that differences DO matter is because of the question, “What if the belief system for which we decide, is wrong?” I remember my close calls, the bad car accident, the bad illness when I was very young, where I was close to death… when I thought, “This is IT!” and when a doctor told me “You have 2-3 months to live”….I wondered “What is the REAL truth?? ” This was not an idle question of academic interest…. I REALLY wanted to KNOW!

      God tells us in His Word, in Jeremiah 29, “You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.” I did not know it then, but I know this now, that God was drawing me to Himself, just as He is drawing you to Himself. I was confronted with the claim of Jesus to be the “Son of God.” I was also confronted with the fact that no other “religious leader” such as Mohammed, Buddha, etc. has ever made such a claim let alone actually demonstrated it. After years of researching this, with prayers, conversations, struggling…. I have concluded that this claim IS true. As you say, the differences between belief systems do not matter. But our personal position regarding the claim of Jesus defines our place after we leave this earth, and defines our well-being while we are still here.

      The Bible tells us, “God so loved the world, that He gave His only Son, so that whoever believes in Him should not perish, but have eternal life” (in John 3 v16). “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me.” (in John 14 v6) “If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, then you shall be saved.” (in Romans 10 v9) “For by grace you have been saved, and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God, not as a result of (good) works, so that no one can boast.” (in Ephesians 2 v8,9)

      Tamar Laroux stated in her video, “Acknowledge that life is about Jesus Christ. Eternity is real. Hell is real and heaven is real.” Wow..!!
      Here is her site again> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGQDkCi-OIY
      Here are some other sites which you may find very interesting>
      http://www.bibleprobe.com/backfromthedead.htm
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TJUh-Jeqfrg
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r7OYRknGgEc

      I hope to hear from you soon SDN, I look forward very much to your comments on these things…. and on a lighter note, I’m happy you are getting responses to your job applications! Are you applying for a position in a law office? You comments about OM are very encouraging…. “yes we converse with caution, and yes it’s still wrong.” Very well said. I should also apply that comment to me and OWW. Good point. Please be on your guard SDN… as I must be on my guard… We have both gained a lot of ground, let’s not give it up!!

      I also look forward to your replies to my inquiries… and to hearing how you are doing in general. Please take care of yourself!! God is looking after you… Stay blessed for now and for always, WP

      1. Hi SDN! This text follows my last text of April 23, 2016 at 8.20 am. I woke up this morning and thought of several Bible parallels to what you have written in your last text. You said once that you like it when I quote Scripture, that you feel it is especially for YOU. Well, here you are:

        “Everything is based on God.” Yes the Bible says the same. Colossians 1 v16 “For by Jim all things were created, both in the heavens and on the earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities– all things have been created through Him and for Him.”

        “And we learn that God is ONE with us.” Here the Bible is very close. Genesis 1 v27 ” God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created Him; male and female He created them.

        Psalm 139 v3: “You scrutinize my path and my lying down and are intimately acquainted with all my ways.” v5 “You have enclosed me behind and before, and laid your hand upon me.” This whole Psalm speaks of God’s being very close to us, as close as a fish is to the water in which it swims.

        “Every religion is true in the eyes of God and is only an instrument to take us to God and keep us with Him.” Actually, God went MUCH FARTHER than this to bring us to Himself. Instead of presenting us with “religions” …. He came here Himself, in the form of a Man, to teach us, to die for us, and thereby become THE way to God for us: Colossians 1:15 ” He (Jesus) is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation.” (we were created, He, Jesus, was conceived and BORN.) We can appreciate this vast difference when we look at a creation (like a doll made in the likeness of a specific person) versus the actual living person.

        John 12 v32 “And I, if I am lifted up from the earth, will draw all men to Myself. Here He is saying that if He is “lifted up from the earth” (i.e. crucified, lifted up on the Cross), then He will draw all men to Himself. I have always found it interesting that the first person to admit that Jesus is the Son of God, is the Roman soldier who was standing in front of Him…. Mark 15. v39, “When the centurion, who was standing right in front of Him, saw the way He breathed His last, he said, “Truly this man was the Son of God!”

        Well, SDN…. I hope you are well…. I hope to hear from you soon. You have a nice day… and may God bless you, and L and the children, and surround you all with His care…and may you stay blessed always…WP

        1. Hi WP. A very warm thank you for your recent posts. More especially the Biblical quotes you so selflessly shared. Thank you for the efforts. I must say you are certainly a very thoughtful person. I hope you go a long way for all the kindness you spread around you.

          WP, with regards the question on the reconciling of belief systems, I established that you pursue to find the authenticity of a religion or should I say system. You believe that your belief system is most true. Your belief system IS undeniably truthful and its an exceptional mode of movement towards God. I would like to place all beliefs on the exact same level and personally I do not seek to find the ‘most’ truthful belief system.

          Otherwise WP, how have you been doing recently? I have had an exhausting weekend. I am really occupied with my job applications and yes my mind set has changed drastically. I am just so much more positive right now. I attribute that on the mission I am on- To find a good job. I cant say I am out of this EA saga as yet but right now I do not find it so appealing as I once did. I admit that I am scared of moving into the corporate world. There are so many things that could go wrong. So many temptations. I wish they never existed. It means I have to constantly pray that I do not sin in any way. Do you know what I mean WP? WP, if I am correct, you said you are searching for a job?? Seems like we are on the same boat here. I wish you the very best WP. You deserve so much. You have so much to give. I pray all goes well for you.

          WP, I await a response from you. Please forgive me if I failed to satisfy all your enquiries. Stay blessed always. Take care. SDN

          1. Hi SDN! Thank you for this last post from you and your comments, thank you very much. In general I am doing pretty well. Your points regarding OWW are well worded and true. At this point, I am much more distanced from her, although when she comes to mind, the care that I have for her, mixed with the “EA – type attraction” does come back. I have not called her or contacted her after that last phone call I mentioned before and this is good. Still hard sometimes though. What makes it better is your comment, ” I read your post and I just see through it. Why would OWW text you? Why after weeks and why only once she has discarded her relationship with her troubled best friend?” When I am completely honest, I have to admit that yes, I do care for her very much, and do not want to see her in pain or in trouble, but also that this compassion can be,is, WAS an excuse for pursuing contact with her, also because I am attracted to her. I have to steer clear from what I know is wrong. Period. You say that you are not completely out of the EA saga yet. Does this mean the OM contacts you sometimes, and you do respond? We both know how hard it can be to let go, but let go you must. I remember asking myself with the on-line EA’s, “How long can this keep going? It cannot last forever!”

            Regarding the corporate world. Yes, there are temptations there to be sure. Yes, I do know what you mean but since you have gone through some of these temptations already, you are more familiar with how it feels, and perhaps therefore better armed to deal with them. You have experienced the outcome, more I don’t need to say. The positive side is that you would be working in a field that you really like, you will be making some extra money, you will be challenged to grow. Yes, you need to pray against these things, but also, there is the “way of escape,” remember? We have talked about that already. If I may say, one way of escape is to concentrate on your primary relationship with L. You have not mentioned him now in a while. I feel, sense that all is not well with you two. But I’m not asking. I’m just observing. The better your primary relationship is, and the better your own self esteem is, the easier it will be to resist the temptations you may run into at work. True for me too.
            Speaking of work. Yes, SDN, I am really looking for a job now. I do want to work. but it’s not so easy finding a job which I like. I keep working at it, I’ll get there. I don’t know when, but I will.

            You don’t have to ask my forgiveness about my inquiries, no worries. PLease let me know how your job search goes and also how you are doing with OM. You take care of youself, and always stay blessed. WP

  17. Hi WP. I hope you are well. Let me get straight into it: So OM and I have been conversing non stop in these past few days secretly. The emotions we once felt came back and everything almost became ‘normal’ again between us. However at the end of each conversation I felt hopeless and …bad. I would think of L often and how it felt like to be in the situation if he found out again. As much as still want to converse with OM because it feels SO good WP. I can’t . Also, I want to be graced by God and indulging in the same sin over and over again will not help me. So today, I deleted him of the app I used to communicate with him. I felt sad and I hoped he won’t be hurt but it needed to be done. I also thought about the 2weeks I was OM-free and as much as I missed him So so so so much. It was the best thing ever to be OM-free. My mind was clearer. I was focused. I am still v positive about where I wanna be with regards my career but yesterday was the turng point for OM and I as things became normal again and it felt as tho I loved him. I have to remind myseelf that this ‘love’ was the illusion I created on my own bcz its what I lack with L. L does not show me the love that I’d like to be expressed. Yes I recall your post on Love languages so I know I am expectg smethg from L that won’t happen.

    You wanted to know about L. L and I are OK. Things are normal however I do feel unloved at times. I try not to think about it but let me mention ONE instance. L does not touch me.. Like not even place his hand on my arm or thigh or whatever, in an affectionate way. He hugs me if I hug him. And that’s it. Do u see WHY I feel so unloved by L. The lack of attention and affection affects me :( I am feeln so down just typing this out. WP, I think I am in danger. Yes, I pushed OM away but soon I will be workin and what if I meet sme1 who gives me the attention I seek. Besides we already established that we attract certain ppl into our lives for a reason. I feel helpless WP.

    I await your response to this :( Stay blessed always dear WP.

    1. Dear SDN… I had a feeling about this when you said that “I can’t say I’m out of this EA saga as yet” but I did not think it was quite like this. Now I can appreciate your fears about the corporate world much better. I have GREAT admiration for you in your decision to delete the app with which you communicated with OM. You know that I know how hard that was. I’m thinking of my on-line OWW’s as I write this… and I know what it would be like if I were to start corresponding with them again. You describe it all very well SDN.

      Things between you and L do not sound good at all. You are really hurting, and you are in a dangerous position. I recall your saying earlier that you even “hate” OM and in another text, that you “don’t really like him,” and that “he is somewhat immature.” And yet you now say that “it felt as tho I loved him.” Your emotions are anywhere and everywhere, and you are screaming to be loved and validated. This does not make you inadequate, bad, or anything else negative SDN. It just means that some of your basic needs are not being met, and L needs to know this, and the sooner the better. Are you open to the idea of telling him exactly what you have said here? that you are feeling unloved, that you need his touch, his affection, his initiating romantic outings and physical intimacy? that you do not want to fall into another EA, but you are having a more and more difficult time resisting? Is L by his basic nature a rather distant person? and/or is it because he is working very hard, and is too preoccupied with his job?

      You say you’re “expecting something from L that won’t happen.” I would add to that by saying, “You (like everyone else- this is God given) have a need for something that only L can provide, and if he doesn’t provide it, the temptation to get it somewhere else is very intense!” OF COURSE I see why you feel unloved by L!” It is because you ARE, as far as YOU are concerned, unloved by L! And yet you have said that you have things with L that other women “would die for!”

      I know how hard this is. You need to take action, and sit him down and have a focused talk. He needs to know where you are. You’re right, you ARE in danger. You could ask him, “Why were you so upset when I was texting OM, and yet you don’t touch me, you don’t initiate physical affection! It feels to me like you really don’t care!!” “Is it reasonable to expect me to have eyes only for you, when you are never affectionate with me, you never kiss me, you never hold me?” “How do you think that makes ME feel?” “Do you know what is is like to feel unwanted, unloved?” Believe me… you don’t WANT to know!!” You will know how to best express this of course. Another benefit here is that… IF he finds out about your most recent texting with OM, he cannot say you did not warn him!

      Oh, I really feel for you… I can understand you so very well. See what you think about my suggestions above and please let me know how you are…. I will think on these things… You stay blessed… always… This means to stay close to God, seek His help and protection…and take action… you are not helpless!! WP

      1. Hi WP, I know you probably don’t remember a few posts of mine from a year ago, but some things you have said had prompted me to ask you something. I will preface it with a re-introduction. I am a Christian, in my 50s, have been married for 32 years, have three kids in their 20s, three teenagers, and two grand kids. A few years ago I became reacquainted with an old boyfriend, and the sparks came back. I wasn’t expecting to fall into an emotional affair, but it happened. Anyway, my question is this- Is it a fact that people who were sexually abused are more likely to become involved with someone outside of marriage? I ask this because I was sexually abused repeatedly as a child by a member of the family, and am in fact for the first time in a support group at a church for adult victims of sexual abuse. We are going through the book Wounded Heart.

        Just curious about your answer because I think you have said something like that when communicating with SDN. Thanks.

        1. Hi Pie Lady! Yes…I remember your name now, it has been quite a while! Your history sounds much like mine and, while I do not know whether it is a FACT that people who were sexually abused are more likely to become involved with someone outside of marriage, I would say it is “highly likely.” What matters more is where YOU are, and whether your abuse as a child has increased the potential for YOU to get involved in an EA. I have the comments here below of a high profile professional (working in the field for 35 years) who was interviewing a celebrity with the same problem of childhood sexual abuse. I wrote down his comments:

          “Victim: “I was molested between the ages of 9 and 10 for 2 years. It was awful” His mother: “The police talked with my son. It was a devastating situation.” Victim: He went to prison. It was never really addressed by our family. I never had therapy. This thing happened at school. The school supported him really. That was kind of tough. There was a lot of anger there, and probably a lot of authority issues which began to pop up.” The mother: “I don’t know if my son has gotten therapy for it as an adult. I did not know what to do. I wanted to get him therapy, my husband didn’t want to do that, because that would prolong it and cause more stress so… we didn’t.” Psychologist: “You can’t undo what was done or not done…. but that was an incredibly bad decision! Children that have been violated in that way… it changes who they are. It changes their self worth, their self esteem, their trust level. It changes how they view adults in their life. It makes them react in a variety of ways, but often, we see survivors of molestation be at much higher risk for poor relationships, drug addiction, alcoholism; it leaves scars, and those wounds remain open and festering and contaminate virtually every aspect of who they are.”

          These comments are so close to my own story that I played back the conversation and wrote down the words. The only differences to my story are: for me it was between ages 12 and 14, my “encounters” happened at the house of the family member, and that family member was never prosecuted or convicted. Everything else is exactly the same. I will also say that the psychologist’s comments are very true for me. I think you can probably say the same. This is why you are going through the book “Wounded Heart.” This sounds very similar to a book we went through, called “Muren van Mijn Hart” (Dutch translation of “Walls of my Heart”) by Dr. Bruce Thompson. I remember that series of seminars- I cried for a long time after some of those sessions. I could not sit through them, I had to go outside. They were one item in a series of items that I believe God put into place to fix the “broken me.”

          For me, the damage was done, not so much by the abuse itself, (that was bad enough) but by how my family handled it (or didn’t handle it really). My father told me, “You could have stopped it.” I never forgot that. I can still remember where I was sitting and how I felt at the time. My emotions shut down for more than 30 years. I spoke of this to no one for at least that length of time. I never had therapy or counseling beyond the seminar series “Walls of my Heart.” I could not talk about it let alone think about it… the pain level was too high. I think you understand what I mean. Writing about it as I do now was not possible for a long time earlier.

          I think ONE reason people get into EA’s because they are crying out for someone to validate them, to help them feel better about themselves, to close the “festering wounds,” to take away the pain that is always there… but in the background. Even now I feel myself getting just a little emotional, a little “teary” as I write this. Pie Lady, this was 50 years ago!! Doesn’t that tell you something??

          After all this time, I can say that the one single factor that helped me was receiving the love of Christ for me personally. This took a long time and was anything but easy. “Receiving the love of Christ” means to believe / realize that He loves YOU… as an individual person…. YOU- “Pie Lady” That Psalm 91 and Psalm 139 are true for YOU, “Pie Lady.” That He went through the horrors of the crucifixion for YOU, “Pie Lady” as an individual. That He cares for YOU, for “Pie Lady” and that your real worth and value as a person are defined and demonstrated by HIM, the Christ, the Son of the Living God!.. This took me a LONG time to get into my heart as well as into my head.

          God works with each person as an individual. Why it has taken so long, I don’t know. For some people it’s longer, for others shorter… only God knows those details. I DO know that we can trust Him.

          The more that you can receive for yourself this most wonderful of revelations, the easier it is to resist the lure of an extramarital affair. Yes God works through people; yes, He provides for our needs through many channels- spouse, family, friends, contacts….. even strangers…. yes we live by faith and not by sight…and yes we have our “wilderness times” when God seems far away, and we feel ever so lonely.

          Here are a few websites which have meant a lot to me:
          This girl’s comments I can understand VERY well:
          http://www.salon.com/2014/08/03/why_i_cant_stop_cheating_on_my_husband_partner/

          This video spoke volumes to me of the love of God the Father: (The emphasis by the author is on not giving up… but for me it was the actions of the runner’s father that even now bring me to tears.)
          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rCAwXb9n7EY

          This last video speaks volumes of the love of the God the Father and of Christ the Son in a different way:
          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGQDkCi-OIY

          One day, I believe God gave me the following: I don’t know what a vision is, but this was a vivid moving “video clip” in my mind. I was standing alone in the deep woods (I have always liked the forest) directly under a large waterfall. The cold water was cascading down on my head in unending streams. I was standing barefoot on a rock under the falls. I had no shirt on. The water was washing me clean, it was taking away the shame and the guilt and other “horribles” with which you already familiar, I’m sure. I described this to a friend a few months ago. This special friend later gave me a drawing made on a tablet…… which I have on my computer. The one difference between my “video clip” and the drawing was the presence of a rainbow over my head in the drawing. She said that this is what God impressed on her to include as she was completing the drawing. I look at it from time to time… writing this now also brings a few tears…. but that’s OK.

          Well, Pie Lady, I hope these comments are of help to you. I pray that you stay close to God, and allow Him to reach the deep places of your heart which may well still need attention. I hope you return to this site. You take care of yourself…..and always walk in God’s blessings… and in His care…..
          WP (Work in Progress)

      2. Hi SDN, I re-read my text of April 30, 2016 at 2:54 pm just now and I realize there is a second part, which has to be added. While the above is, I believe, valid; it is also incomplete. I am adding to that text of April 27, 2016 at 12:29 pm here below (should read April 30, 2016 at 2:54 am) …If you have written a reply in the meantime, please read that text first, and then this, OK?

        The second part needing mention is your own self-esteem. Even if L WERE to be an affectionate and attentive person, and meeting your needs as described above, it is possible that you would not be able to receive his attention and affection because of the filters which may still be in place in your mind… because of low self esteem. I know what this is… I had problems with it for some years. This can take the form of “self talk” – the conversations we all have in your heads which goes on continually, most of the time without our being concious of it. What do you say to yourself when L is distant? What do you say to yourself when he is affectionate, or when he hugs you only after you take intiative and hug him? The letter you wrote to yourself needs atention…. and you need to add to it. I really liked that letter! Think on its contents, add to it, expand it with more description of the person you are…. to alter your self talk from negative to positive. Put in positive things you KNOW are true about you. Perhaps you need to give to yourself, what should have been given to you when you were young.

        You have every reason to have a very positive opinion of yourself. What I have observed with you is the following:
        – You are loyal to your spouse. (Yes you ARE!)
        – You love your children.
        – You are very intelligent / perceptive.
        – You write very well.
        – I think you are very likely an attractive person, you draw people to yourself.
        – You are easy to like I think… People like to be around you.
        – I think you can easily start and continue good conversations.
        – You probably make friends reasonably easily.
        – You admit your faults.
        – You do not think that you are better than other people.
        – You have weathered some “heavy storms” very well.
        – You are not vindictive.
        – You care.

        I think all of these are true about you. I think it is hard for you to argue successfully against these statements. I hope to hear from you… I hope and pray you are well. Stay close to God… stay blessed, and in His care… always!! WP

  18. Hi Pie Lady and SDN,
    The texts above are not in consecutive order above….

    SDN, please see my answers above: April 27, 2016 at 12:29 pm and April 29, 2016 at 2:54 pm.

    Pie Lady, my answer for you (April 30, 2016 at 12:29 am) is in between these two above:

    Take care!! Please stay blessed always… WP

  19. This article is helpful to put some things straight in my head. We are now eight months after the emotional affair my wife had, mostly ended. I say mostly because she had promised to tell me if she had any contact and for the last 3 months there hasn’t been, but today she told me she replied to a post on social media and told me she got a general invite to an event of his that she believed was sent to all contacts. Her reply was just have a good event but this information brought back all the feelings of the infidelity. I want her to break all contact with him and have expressed that is my wish but she hasn’t completely. She hasn’t talked to him on the phone in 8 months but has emailed some of which I read after she left her account logged on (I’m not proud I snooped). The emails I read, I was not happy about and we talked about them in counseling. Where I’m at now is, is there a way to say I need her to stop all contact with this guy without this ending my marriage. I just don’t know how to let this contact continue. Any advise on how I can move forward and hope she wants to end the contact on her own?

    1. Hi Bs, Having gone through this before, first let me say I am very sorry you have had to go through this. I was the husband with the EA’s (online) I’m sorry to say. This is what I have learned: It is VERY difficult to stop an EA, it’s like a magnet, even for people in a good marriage. I knew that if I did not stop, I would face big problems. And I wanted to preserve the trust. I felt guilty, but the “pull” is so strong!

      My wife and I had several difficult conversations, then agreed that I would write a letter to the OW’s after which she would proofread it and send it, this we did. I also promised her that I would delete my Facebook page which I also did. (THAT was VERY difficult!) My wife trusted me to do that, which helped me, since I did not want to further damage her trust, and I wanted to prove myself worthy of her trust. I believe trusting your wife as far as you can would be a good thing.

      You seem to be going in a good direction. Counseling, talking. Always good. Spending time with your wife, doing things she likes, being creative. All OK. I would also like to say that the articles in this section of the MM site are very good to read! Your wife does need to understand how much this hurts. This is key. Describe a scenario to her in which you are having an affair with someone you both know. Use the name of a mutual friend. How would your wife feel if you did that? Etc. If you can, tell her you trust her. My wife’s trust really helped me. It made me more determined to stop once and for all. But it WAS difficult!!

      At the end of the day, your wife needs to stop this on her own. It’s a difficult process. I am very sorry you have been placed in this position. I hope these comments have been of help. I hope to see you return to this site; the contributors and readers, and administration are all very familiar with this. You are among friends! I hope to hear from you again. WP (Work in Progress)

  20. Hi WP. Thank you for your recent posts above. Thank you. Do you read that with the heart felt emotions it said??? THANK YOU DEAR WP. Your 1st recent post made me cry because it was so true. I feel unloved. Plain and simple. I feel weak and poor. You couldn’t have expressed my feelings any better. Your 2nd recent post also hit home but left a bitter taste in my mouth. If L did shower me with the affection I crave, I would still be unsatisfied because of the damage within myself. So you are saying only I can heal these wounds. Maybe I AM being loved. Well enough. But not well enough FOR ME. I am unsatisfied because of ME.
    I get this.
    But WP, this weekend was a very close family wedding. All exciting. Dressed up. Felt beautiful. I certainly got THE ‘attention’. However, AT the wedding and dead in my tracks, I was overwhelmed with sheer envy watching this particular bride and groom. It was the connection between them. The way the bride adored the groom, the way he looked at her. I wanted to cry. I felt miserable, robbed, unhappy, envious, angry, hopeful, everything, all at once! WP, the groom is a cousin of mine. I grew up with him. I had to ask myself, WHY SDN, WHY are you feeling this way and STOP IT. I have to be happy for them. I had to maintain my smile. Maintain my ‘joyful’ self. It was so hard WP.
    The few hours that I slept in the early parts of this morning felt as though I was so highly intoxicated and disturbed mentally. The dreams were only of this bridal couple. I felt horrible and miserable even this morning. I had so much to do. I did all my chores with this heavy heart and demented mind. I went to my room finally done and just cried and cried and cried. I wished I could have picked up the phone and talk with you WP. Tell you how I felt. Expressed everything. I had to wait to get my kids to sleep so I can now sit on this computer and express my self away. WP.
    I was envious because I did not have that. That connection with L. That Love and admiration from L. It made me feel sick. Sick, sick, sick, to the core. I was thinking, is any of this related to OM. I have reconnected with him, WP. Not on weekends though. I miss him. Did the groom and OM have some uncanny personality resemblance as well?? YES. Yes, they did. But it wasn’t just that. I TRULY FELT ROBBED. It is SO UNFAIR, WP. I HATE with a passion that I am cursed. I am flawed. I cannot feel loved. I cannot appreciate fully what I have. My mind doesn’t believe that I am also blessed in my own way. I envied another couple’s love. It seemed beautiful and pure. Yes, PURE. If I wanted to feel loved, I’d have to engage with OM. Sinful. Need I say more? WP, I often feel like I don’t want to be here on this earth if I have to live this way. To feel this way. To sin. To bear the consequences of my sins. But I’d be giving my children up. And they are the only reason that I choose to live each day.
    I wish I could express my feelings more accurately. I just want to cry, WP. I am helpless. I don’t want to sin. I don’t want to envy. I don’t want to live this life. I want normality. The EA is controlling me now. I mean the prospect of it. the result of being bruised and hurt all these years and now I chose an EA.
    I miss OM. I want the security of L and the ‘love’ and thrill of OM.
    I wish I could go on, WP, I have to go immediately. I just wanted to express all this to you even if you didn’t respond. I HAD TO TELL YOU. No one understands. Its been a hard few days for me and all I want to do is sleep forever.
    Stay blessed, WP. Look after yourself. And thank you again for just being here. SDN

    1. Hi SDN, Now I have time to respond. I am so familiar with the emotions you describe. You describe me as I was not so very long ago. You write very well. And I feel your emotion. I am trying to think of a response that will ease your pain. The only thing I can say is that God sees your heart, He knows the damage and He can repair it. You ARE loved. You ARE a quality person. You ARE of great value. But you are unable to receive love. Your filters are still in place. Yes you DO need to start believing in yourself. And you CAN. Have you seen the video clips I referred to? Have you considered their message? God the Father is not the same as your father. Please go back to my earlier posts about this and read them again. I hear you… And I have struggled with the same things. Read the Scriptures I cited and allow them into your heart. Consider them true for YOU. They ARE true you know.

      I hope your correspondence with OM does not hurt you too much… I fully understand your feelings, wanting the security of L and the love and thrill from OM. I will pray for you… That You will know that God hears your cries for help… That you will come into that place of being “blessed always.” I hope this post reaches you. I will write more soon… WP

  21. Hi again, WP. While I have the time I’d like to mention a few things about your recent posts to me.
    Thank you for reminding me about my resent towards OM. And I do see that my feelings are everywhere and anywhere. I AM a total wreck inside. I need to work on my internal peace. PEACE- not So easy though.
    You often reflect back how you have perceived me. You have listed such beautiful qualities of myself and yes I can’t dispute them. Thank you, WP. Feels so good that you have observed these qualities so many KM’s away. I need to start believing in my selF. From positive SDN 2 weeks ago,I have deteriorated. I also thought I was done with this EA saga after attending the seminar.
    I just wish everything I feel can just be toned down. Its like my emotions are felt at extreme measures always. So if I’m sad- VERY sad. Happy- very happy. Angry- very angry. Confused- very confused. Lonely- extremely lonely. I hate feeling lonely the most. Like all alone in this world to deal with my inner struggles on my own. Its hard. Very hard.
    How have you been, WP? You are always helping me and others, thoroughly. How Are YOU? What’s been happening lately? Is the job hunting getting better? Isn’t it somewhat stressful? Your big visit is coming up :) Have you been having positive thoughts about that? How do you feel about seeing your dad? Is he well?
    I hope you soon respond. Take care guardian angel. SDN

    1. Hi SDN, I have read all of your most recent posts and I follow everything you are saying so very well!! I feel your pain, and have so much to say. I don’t have so much time now to write. It is late here.
      You describe me very well as I was not so long ago. Please read the Scriptures I cited in earlier posts and receive them into your heart for YOU. Also, have you viewed the video clips I referenced? I will pray. And I hope you see this my post soon. God hears your pleas for help and your heartfelt feelings. I know He does.
      Dear Lord God,
      Please meet SDN where she is at this moment and please come into her heart with Your Great Love!! Surround her with Your angels I ask You. And may she have Your peace in her heart and mind!!!
      Protect her and please help her to stay away from sin as she has requested. May she be able to receive love! And may she open her heart to Your Love and receive Your special blessing for which Your Son died.
      WP

    2. Hi SDN,
      I have read all your posts and I understand so well everything you have said. This is WP. I have been having trouble with posting a comment. I have written the MM administration but no answer yet. You are describing me as I was not so long ago, as you know.
      In the same way as you I was not able to receive love, because of earlier damage. It is the Love of God which will set you free. His Love will produce in you the healthy self esteem which you need. Please go back to my earlier posts and receive the Scriptures there as meant for YOU. View the video clips I referenced as meant for YOU.
      Dear Lord God,
      May SDN receive your Love in her heart at this time. And may You surround her with Your angels and Your peace. Guard her and protect her from any and all wrong things which can be so powerful.
      I hope you see this post.
      Take care and be always blessed.
      WP

      1. Hi SDN, from WP. Please read my reply to Pie Lady above. All of that is, of course, true.
        Stay blessed. Stay close to God your Creator. :))
        WP

  22. Dear SDN,
    I have read your posts and I understand you very well. Hold on!! Hold on!!
    I have had trouble posting comments here from the computer I always use. I don’t know why. I have written to the site administration but no answer yet. I will try to respond soon.
    One step at a time SDN. You will come out OK. You will. Read your letter again.
    I hope to get this problem resolved,
    Take care. And talk to God. He knows where you are. WP

    1. Ahhh! This time it worked! From a different device. Ok. I will write soon. I will really pray SDN.
      WP

      1. Hi SDN. WP here again:))
        These phrases I have pulled from your texts because I have felt exactly the same way:
        “So you are saying only I can heal these wounds. Maybe I AM being loved. Well enough. But not well enough FOR ME. I am unsatisfied because of ME.
        I get this.” And
        “Angry, very angry. Confused, very confused. Lonely, extremely lonely. I hate feeling lonely the most. Like all alone in this world to deal with my inner struggles on my own. Its hard. Very hard.”
        I am not saying you need to heal yourself. I am saying that God Himself can and wants to and will heal you. In His way. The best way.
        He is doing that with me and He is doing it with you. “Come to me all you who are heavy laden and I will give you rest.” “Unless you receive the Kingdom of God like a little child, you shall not enter it at all.”
        Loneliness is a terrible thing. We have both had our share of this. This is the most remarkable side of the video clip of Tamar Laroux, which you said had such an impact on you. I know! For the same reason as yours, it had a big impact on me too! Her loneliness drove her to take her own life. Neither you nor I have been that far. And if God does such a wonderful work in her, He wants the same for you. And me. And everyone! For every person who “comes to Me” (“comes to Jesus with an open and contrite heart”)
        See Psalm 51.
        Anyway, I hope these comments help your pain. I hope to hear from you soon. Open your heart to receive love. You can do this. Your past does not have to be your future!!!
        WP (Work in Progress)

        1. Hi WP. RS? lol. What an emotionally exhausting weekend. Today is a holiday here in South Africa. It was workers day yesterday so today being a Monday will also be a holiday. WP, I have had a draining weekend. allow me to express something ‘odd’. I felt OK last night. I woke up feeling fine. I logged on here and read your prayer. I am compelled to think that your prayers are absolutely powerful. I know its because u prayed for me. Prayers are so powerful. U prayed across the world for me. Why else did I feel fine? I still don’t understand fully why I felt the way I did at the wedding and thereafter. My sent me pics of the bridal couple. Before I could open the full pic, I deleted them. I did not want to cause myself more stress.

          I bought two very inspiring books today. I LOVE reading. Its been long since I bought books for myself. It excites me so much. A new book. Such treasures. Previously and before EA1, I would buy books on love affairs and romance etc. Today I refused to be tempted. I believe, You are what u read. Those books would just expand my imagination. Like feedin my desires. Instead, I chose one on Mothering and one on prayer- Christian based for women. Cant wait to start reading.

          Thank u WP. You have helped me so much. People often judge so I don’t have good friends with whom I can connect with. You are more than just a friend. You are a mentor and a father. I wish I could have had this kind of relationship with my dad. I wished he cared for me and gave me the security I needed as a child. Maybe I wouldn’t be in this predicament.

          At the end of this month is my daughters sports day. I have mixed emotions. I hope OMs wife does not recognize me. how are you WP? I await a response, I need to run again. Stay blessed and take care. SDN

  23. Hi SDN! WP here… So good to hear you are doing so much better… God is at work in you and He knows how you tick. He knows your failings and strengths and He loves you more than you know. The last days have been a bit crazy with my posting a comment on this site. When I wrote a text, and clicked on “Post Comment” the entire text disappeared. Anyway, using another name RS and a 2nd email address, which we have, seemed to fix the problem… but I don’t want to confuse people, so I am starting my notes with “WP.”

    Yes prayer is very powerful… there is much about “prayer” in the Bible. I do believe in prayer, very much so! I’m happy that you feel so much better… and that perhaps I had a part to play in that transition. Your emotional and well written post hit me hard, because you have described so well feelings I myself have had (and still sometimes have if the truth be told- but I recognize them now). Sometimes our emotions can be very intense, and we do not understand them… at least that’s how it is with me.

    You are making good choices SDN! A good book is like a special friend, you can’t wait to get back home to read the next chapter. I have always liked reading… Adventure stories, mysteries… novels. But it has been a long while since I read a good book! Mothering and Christian prayer…. Wow!! Sounds very inspiring!! Very good point… “You are what you read…” I will remember that.

    Thank you SDN for your kind words. I see you too as a daughter. I have said this before… but I will say it again… if I were your father, I would be very proud of you. Actually, I am very proud of you anyway. Maybe this is God’s way of repairing your emotions…. and giving you the father you never had. You can learn to receive love SDN… and take away the wrong filters of your childhood. You can do this… through believing, childlike prayer… by making right choices, and by steering clear of wrong things. In the same way that you are not harsh with your children when they make mistakes, and do wrong things they don’t want to do, so is God not harsh with you when you slip and fall into wrong things you don’t want to do. It’s a process… and needs patience. Well, we can pray and trust that your daughter’s sports day goes through without an altercation between you and OM’s wife. You got through the first “tricky period” and you can get through this one too. :))

    How am I, SDN? Basically I’m doing pretty well. The On-line OW’s are well behind me; it has been almost 11 months. I think of them rarely now. But when I do, the pain is absent, and I’m able to pray for them. I hope they’re doing well… that they’re all right! I trust God is looking after them. To be honest… when I think of OWW, I have to push away the desire to call her and talk. I know I would feel guilty and be down on myself so I don’t do that. It’s still hard sometimes. But then the good feeling of being able to say to R that I haven’t called her is worth it. Job hunting is frustrating. I’m told I need a full degree for teaching, which I don’t have. But I can do private tutoring or find work with photography. I just photographed a big family get-together of good friends and I try to capture the atmosphere of the moment… where people see each other after a long time… or are having special conversations…. it’s not so easy to convey the feeling that is present. I am happy with the outcome though, and I will submit them in the next few days. So far so good I would say I’m nervous about my coming trip to the US. I haven’t seen my US family in 3 years. I understand my parents much better now, since I’m a father myself. Parents basically love their children. But when they themselves have had a dysfunctional childhood, they often do things which are incomprehensible for children. Only later are we able to see though all that. We will see. I will let you know :))

    So nice to see you are doing better. Every day is a new day you know. Stay blessed always! WP

    1. Dear WP, I just wanted to thank you for your response to my question. I think a friend who is a counselor told me that people who have been sexually abused as children could be more likely to have an extra marital affair. My abuse had two phases. The first one was for maybe a year when I was six, (off and on) and the other one was for about three years (off and on also) and started when I was ten or eleven. Thank you also for your words of encouragement.

      1. Hi Pie Lady, You are most welcome! Yeeesss…. you and I both know the shame and the hurt this brings, and also how hard it can be to actually talk about it. I have found that talking about it with trusted Christians has been a real help. It does not come up very often, but when it does, I find that healing has moved forward again by another “little step.” “Giant steps” have been more rare, but they have happened, and always in God’s own perfect timing.

        Even now, after such a long time, I find myself observing some of our friends’ children who are aged 10 and 14. I say to myself even now, “Yes, these are definitely children. It was not my fault.” And I feel better.

        The main factors in avoiding an EA for me now are:
        – receiving and internalizing the Love of God for ME.
        – feeding the development of a higher self esteem
        – wanting to be able to say to my wife “Yes you CAN trust me” and know that I am speaking the truth.

        Isn’t it wonderful that we do not have to base our lives on statistics? As you know, it is our choices that matter. I have found that the “stats” help to indicate to me what I am up against. In this way they re useful. I hope you have a good day Pie Lady. (Great name!!) Are you an expert at making pies? These are a big delicacy here in the Netherlands. Take care, WP (Work in Progress)

        1. Dear WP, Your question made me laugh. No, I am certainly no expert at making pies. I enjoy making pies. I think when I posted a year ago it was soon after or close to National Pie (Pi) day (March 16- 3/16) and I made 4 pies that day. I posted on Facebook a picture of my apple pie with the Pi symbol as the top crust and someone commented calling me Pie Lady. That’s why the name came to me.

          I like what you said to not let the statistics rule our behavior. It’s comforting because I have a daughter who at the ages of 4-6 was repeatedly raped while living in an orphanage. My husband and I adopted her when she was almost 7 years old. Hopefully when she’s grown and married she will not follow my example and become involved emotionally with another man.

          1. Hi Pie Lady, National Pi Day! This is completely new for me! Sounds like fun! But you haven’t been making pies since?

            It seems that you are clearly called to adopt this little girl…as you know, the love and support you show her now will have far more effect than any statistic as to whether she pursues an EA when she is older. Your daughter is at a distinct advantage since you know what sexual abuse is, and it’s effects. That is one thing I did not have- a same sex parent who understood. Not his fault of course, but the gap is there nonetheless.

            I recall very well the story of a young woman who was violated as a teen. She stopped talking. She said not one word for several weeks. Her Christian parents tried everything they could think of… to no avail. The family went to a Christian conference where the young woman met an older, very kind and motherly lady who was a nun. They looked at each other for several seconds, and without speaking, they both fell into each other’s arms and cried. You see, the older nun had also been raped when she was young. The two women recognized this in each other without speaking. Healing flowed as their tears fell… even now I have a bit of emotion when writing this. Each knew how the other felt. They both finally felt understood.

            Your daughter will have this understanding with you… of course far more powerful than any statistic… worth more than gold really! You two will have a connection which is vital to your daughter’s well being. The account of these two women, and now your adoption of this little girl, illustrate so well the seemingly impossible Scripture, “God causes all things to work together for good, to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” Are you still going through the book “Wounded Heart?” Is it written by Bruce Thompson? How are things with you now? May God look after you and yours, Pie Lady. Take care… WP (Work in Progress)

          2. WP, I have made pies occasionally since. Thank you for your words of encouragement concerning my daughter, who actually is a young lady now- close to 16 years old. She has struggled for a few years now because of her past trauma. I do my best, with the help of God, to be a support to her. She is healing, gradually. The book Wounded Heart is by Dan Allender. And thanks- you take care too.

  24. Hi WP. I hope u are well. Its so good to hear and realise that u r 11mnths away from the FB OW. The OWW is now the only temptation. I hope u find the strength and will power to overcome her with ease. EAs are so horrible. Its such a curse.

    I am feeling a lil bit sad but not depreSsed or miserable. I am also frustrated like u with the job hunting. I have been reading my new book and it feels good. Again I am put off my OM and dnt feel attracted to him so much. Yes he IS immature. When I stay away from him, I forget all this and miss him terribly. But I know its the feelings of ‘love’ I miss. L and I are ok for now. Otherwise WP, I hope u r staying strong and keep on praying. Stay blessed. And take good care of yourself. SDN

    1. Hi SDN, It seems that you have bounced back rather quickly from the very sad text you sent only a few days ago. I have a question… isn’t it the intense feelings of “being in love” which you miss? I know that was the case with me. Yet I know all too well that the secure love, the unshakable love that grows between two people who have weathered the storms together, is like the undercurrent of a river, strong and unwavering, that makes it’s way to the sea. It is unseen, yet very powerful. The in-love feeling is very intense and very visible, and changes so much with a “change in the weather” like the surface of the river, sometimes with waves and whitecaps, sometimes calm and serene. This sounds like the changes you have been experienceing with your OM. You see? We both know the intense lure and the very fickle nature of an EA. And yet… yes, I miss the “in-love” feeling too. If I think too much about OWW, I tend to feel a bit sad too… I know what you mean.

      But we CAN have this again with our spouses! The Bible tells us, Do what you have been doing in the beginning. (I’m not sure exactly where, but I will look it up) Go on dates, dream up romantic outings, do nice things, be a kid again!! Maybe this is what the Bible means when it says, “Unless you receive the Kingdom of God like a child, you shall not enter it at all.” I wonder. AND of course we can pray. :)) As you yourself said, effective prayer is powerful. Effective prayer, is, among other things, prayer which goes in the direction of God’s will. It is certainly His will that we be satisfied and secure in our marriages!

      I am happy that you are not so depressed as you were only a short time ago. You are strong SDN, and you have the best of intentions. God is looking after you, I see this very well. Which new book are you reading? The one on mothering? or the one on prayer for Christian women?

      I pray and hope you find the job which is just right for you… you will. Keep up with expanding your letter with things you KNOW are true about you. I know the things I contributed about you are true. Just those characteristics describe a very special person! Anyway, you look after yourself, will you SDN? Stay blessed for always… this means stay close to God, and read His Word… It’s all there for YOU you know. Cheers, WP

  25. Hi Pie Lady, Ahh your daughter is 16! I was wondering how old she is. Yes… we both are aware that healing is most of the time gradual. It’s wonderful to hear that her healing is progressing even at her still young age. For me it took a LONG time. She is very fortunate with you. (I’m sure she enjoys an occasional pie from you too…) :) Blessings to you Pie Lady… WP (Work in Progress)

    1. Hi WP. I hope u r well today. Thank u for those lovely words of encouragement. It does make a difference to read such positivity.

      I have NOT bounced back. No WP. Things are v hard for me at the moment. Its not so much OM or the EA I have been engaged in. Its more the frustration of not finding a job. The fact that I am confined to these walls at home. My eldest is a challenge everyday. L and I sometimes have altercations. Everything all at once. This weekend I witnessed a couple get married with the prospect of a prosperous life ahead. They also were so in love. But here I am, living the life I do. I feel so flawed. Its so unfair WP. I am praying all the time. I am praying in dire need. Actually begging God to grace me. OM is nowhere in my thoughts right nw. Hs just sme baggage in the corner. He is jst an illuSion. I wish I could get back to my old self. Positive and happy.

      Stay blessed WP. U r immensely blessed and it shows. I see you are also advising others on other forums here. Such a blessing. Guardian Angel. SDN

      1. Hi SDN… I’m happy to hear from you… of course! Also I’m happy that you feel so safe to share things with me. All the texts I post are written in a prayerful way. All the things I say are true as far as I am able to know. I’m not happy to hear that things continue to be difficult… but you know… now the couple who were just married are in love… and that’s a wonderful thing. Who knows the trials they will face tomorrow? I can tell you this, I am VERY happy I did not know of some of the things which were waiting for us!! Many of those things you aleady know.

        It seems to me that you are alone too much. Looking after a rebellious 5 year old daughter and a younger son I’m sure is a daunting task. Continuing rebelious behaviour may be an indication that something else is going on with your daughter for which you need outside help or advice. Do you have other mothers whom you can visit or talk to? Sharing yourself with others is a blessing, especially for mothers like yourself who are at home all day. Is there anyone you can contact closer to home? I guess L is away at his work every day… so for him to help is logistically difficult. What about school or a creche, Isn’t your daughter in a creche now for a few days each week? I’m just trying to think of ideas for you to have a bit of distraction, and more interaction with adults. Do you have any really good friends? Friends you can really trust with the more private things?? Does L appreciate your position? Do you have a chance to go on little outings with L? For now, at least you have two good books to read! That is something anyway.

        Yes the job search is very frustrating. I have to put more time into it to be sure. The yard is needing work now that the days are getting longer, and I really have to push myself to go out and do the work. I frankly would much rather spend time on this site… so I guess you can see I haven’t been working in the garden so much :)

        I know and understand that you feel flawed. You are NOT flawed. Read your letter again and again. All these things are true of you! We both understand and agree on that! You really should add to your letter, and expand it… put in other attributes of yours and give yourself a “fair shake.” Perhaps you should write a letter to yourself in which you describe your prayers, the answers to your prayers, and the ways you have seen God at work in you. Likely you will be surprised at the words which flow from your pen. Ask God to inspire you to write. I will pray for this if you like… Prayers are powerful, as you know… expecially prayers which are “according to God’s will.” It IS His will that you have a healthy image of yourself. I am sure He will guide you as you write. Perhaps give this a try!!

        One very good friend said something to me I will never forget. She said, “Many people love you. They just don’t always tell you.” I believe this is true of you also. I know you miss feeling loved. That’s not nice of course. DO you, deep in your heart… feel that L really loves you? Perhaps consider this question first before you answer right away. Of course I’m not asking you to answer such a question here on this forum, but if you do, of course that’s fine. Once you tell me that you have arrived at an answer, then I have 2 other questions for you. OK?

        Bye for now. I await your reply. In the meantime I will for sure pray for you and L and the children. Usually I do this when I wake up very early. (Yes, I am still not out of my work rhythm yet.) You take care of yourself. Know that you are not flawed, rather, you are precious in the sight of God… like is says in Ps. 139. I only know you for a short time, and… I’m proud of you. Stay close to God, be blessed for always.. WP (Work in Progress)

  26. Hi Dearest WP. I hope u r doing well. So I have been thinking of u a lot lately and u have become a part of my life. Loggin onto this site is usually a mission for me, but it is u that compels my efforts.

    The 3 FB OW are out and your only temptation (real) at this moment is OWW which I believe u sometimes struggle to keep at bay even in thought. Allow me to depict how I see your situation. Firstly, u are guarded by the Almighty and it shows v well. God has His hand in your life WP and you arte His tool. You are a soldier of Christ now. You are fulfilling His purpose. Let me show u:

    You have been tempted and lured into this EAs. EAs upon EAs in your life. U attempt to rid of them so u can inherit your place in Heaven. And u have. Temptation blinds you so much at times and u trip NOT fall. U stumble. Just a bump. U have turned these desires into smethg positive. How? Have u ever read your words to me and to others on this site WP? Like really read it after a week or so? It makes a difference- the time lapse ie. Your words and advise are so powerful. So coherent and so pure. God utilises you WP in such a beautiful way. U r the perfect eg of serving Gods purpose.

    Yesd u have been tempted to commit sin and yes u struggle with ur own inner battles but somehow u find the strength EVERYDAy to come onto this site and HELP people overcome their struggles. HOW AMAZING! Fascinating!

    I feel mor positive and happy but still disappointed with the job struggle. I wish God could bless me soon with employment. All in His time. O well WP. I hope u r ok. Stay blessed. Always! SDN

    1. Dear SDN…Thank you SO so much for your very special words. I have much to say but do not have enough time to write right now. I will answer more tomorrow. In the meantime, Thank you Thank you !! Your text means the world to me. More soon…You take care and stay blessed….. WP

  27. Here I am again… Dear SDN, How are you today??
    Now I have more time to sit down and write. I have reread your text several times, and all your words mean SO much. Your comments about the 3 FB OW’s and OWW are exactly correct. Yesterday R mentioned that she prays for OWW a lot since OWW was having a rough time the last time (3 weeks ago) we talked on the phone with the three of us. I saw a missed call on my phone yesterday from OWW, (very unusual) so I sent her a text, (“How are you? Are you all right?”) and the conversation started. She did break up with the boyfriend, but she is having a terrible time really letting him go. One of her texts was, “Why do I allow myself to be treated so badly?? I just want to be loved.” I answered, “Because you are having a very hard time letting go… this is very understandable!” R asked me whom I was texting, I told her OWW, because I had a missed call from her. We ended up calling her together, and we 3 talked for about half an hour. R asked me if I had approached OWW at first, and I could say “No” since she had tried to call me. I suppose I could have ignored the missed call, but I had the feeling she was having a lot of trouble… and yes, so it was. You’re so exactly right SDN, I do still struggle somewhat with OWW. R knows I care for her, and R cares for her too! So far I “am successful” (whatever that means) because I absolutely HAVE to be able to say to R that I have not initiated contacting her. So far so good… OWW cried on the phone, her family has pushed her away…. her father left when she was very young.. all very painful… and I know how she feels. Today I sent her a “Happy Mother’s Day” text; I mentioned that to R; we both agreed that I would not contact her further. She replied with appreciation, so I’m happy she knows I understand. I feel better about it now…. but still it “niggles at me” somewhat.

    Your second paragraph… wow! “You have been tempted and lured into this EA’s. EA’s upon EA’s in your life.” SO true SDN… and it’s exhausting. Two or three weeks go by, I don’t think of her so much; yes I know I care about her… but it’s not such an “issue.” I am not really “struggling.” and then this happens. Yesterday I had to really push away the desire to just call her and talk.. because I like talking to her…I care about her…and I sense that she cares for me… and because I want to take away her pain… because I feel it. Today I’m more peaceful about it… I don’t want to have the temptation to write a text when I see she is “online.” You also say, “Temptation blinds you so much at times, and you trip, but do not FALL. You stumble, Just a bump.” Yes, SDN… you describe it very well. On the one hand, these feelings which are re-awakened are strong, and on the other hand, you and I both know what “EA trouble” is. I guess the one positive thing with all my experiences is that I can very well identify with people struggling with similar things. I think people sense this as well.

    You say I “attempt to be rid of them (EA’s) so I can inherit my place in heaven.” This is not quite true SDN. I attempt to be rid of them because I do not want to sin, I do not want to fall, I do not want these out-of-place feelings- even though they feel SO good! Your place and my place in heaven are a gift… given when we “believe” or “acknowledge that,” Jesus IS the Son of God as He claims. (Please see my text to Pie Lady, April 30, 2016 at 12:29 am it’s all in there.) NO person can earn his or her way to Heaven. THIS makes me VERY happy… I could NEVER earn such a position.

    Actually I rarely go back and read what I have written, unless I remember a section of text which I need, rather than writing it all out again. This doesn’t happen too often… Sometimes it is too hard to find the earlier text again! Thank you SDN for your words… such a help for me, Really! You have given me something very special.. Thank you.

    You sound better SDN. For me too the job search is frustrating. But we have had a string of wonderful warm sunny days… so we have been outside most of the time… walking or riding a bicycle. Is the winter cold starting now? Do you have snow? I have always liked snow… we had a lot of it when we were very young living just outside of New York City.

    I hope to hear from you when you have some time, and when “mummy duties” are not so pressing. Stay blessed always SDN… yes, God is looking after you. I can see this very well. You sleep well…. talk soon.

    WP (Work in Progress)

  28. Hi WP. I hope u are well. Its been quite a while since I have been here. I am literally watching my menace have a bath for school. I just spent 45min tolerating and talking her through getting off her bed. Now would be a good time to quickly write a few things. I am still disheartened and I am slowly losing motivation in finding employment. I feel sad. Its all I really want right now. My daughter is so defiant and rebellious that I just want to start work so my life could change. I nEed a change. Staying at home with the kids is just getting to me. I feel helpless sometimes. She is a ‘special’ child. Like the 1 out 10 super naughty 1.

    OM and I still converse now and then and I think of him a lot. Just shows, if u fEed your desires, they’ll increase. But my focus is not on him. I just want to succeed in my career. He just satisfies my emotional needs and gives me company I guess. Well, put rather bluntly!

    How have u been WP? I was not shocked to hear of you and your recent engagement with OWW. The Q is, how is it NOW? I think R is a v strong woman. I mean she literally knows of your attraction towards OWW but still tries to reconcile things. Make peace. Compel u into the right direction. What an amazing woman. Not a lot of women will put up with this. U have been blessed WP. Isn’t this the uncanny part? Here you AND I have thee best in a spouse. What more could we want? But we still pursue these EAs. Wish it would all end WP! I am emotionally exhausted. Everything all at once. Stay bleSsed Dear WP. SDN

    1. Good morning SDN! I am very happy to hear from you!! I really take my hat off to you for the difficulties of raising children… your daughter sounds very strong-willed, but, as I said before, perhaps there is something else going on with her… beyond “just being difficult?” There must be a reason for her to be THAT rebellious. Our daughter was (and is) strong willed too… I remember all too well.

      Finding employment continues to be a frustration for me as well. Disheartening really. After my bad experience with my previous employer, I have resolved that, for me, I really NEVER want to say or do things to other people which I wouldn’t like done to myself. One day, these managers will “meet themselves.” But I wish them no harm, just that they would see the effects of their actions to their employees. But I don’t think about it so much now. It’s just as well.

      This brings up OWW. Yes -you’re so right in what you say. I haven’t contacted OWW in any way since that last phone call. I was just visiting with a few friends from work, and I could truthfully say to R that I did not contact OWW at all. R trusts me, and I never want to violate that trust. I know that R is a wonderful and special wife. I never want to take that for granted. OWW is less and less an issue for me now, since I have purposely kept to the agreement that R and I worked out. The thing is, R knows her and does care for her. R prays for her. Still, I never want this to become an issue again… so I do not mention her now, (and I do not “secretly think about her…”) My focus is now on R and the family, and making the most of my days… to see the good in people and to be a blessing to them. So many people are hurting…. If I think about it too much I become very sad.

      You say that you converse with OM now and again… you think about him a lot, but you are not focused on him. Are you two settling down to more of a real friendship without the “EA element?” He keeps you company and satisfies your emotional needs in the sense that you feel valued and you are taken seriously? Or is the “EA element” still there, with the “excitement” as well? Do you think it is possible to men and women to be true friends? Without the “EA side” or the sexual attraction part? I would really be interested in your opinion on this.

      We go to the US on Monday the 16th. :)) I’m a little nervous about it still, but I am still happy we are going. (My parents very much want us to move back to the US… but I really don’t want to do that.) We have not seen my extended family now for three years. We will visit with my parents on the 17th… then after that we will drive to my sister’s house where we’ll stay for the rest of the week. (That’s nice!) We’ll visit New York City, where I come from…my two brothers and sister, and one good friend. These will all be special. We’ll be there only for a week… then we return on the 24th to the Netherlands.

      SDN, I am happy you let me know how you are. I do pray for you and I do feel that God is looking after you. I very much hope that your continued conversations wtih OM do not backfire with more trouble coming should OM’s wife or your L learn of your renewed periodic contact. We both know how tricky EA’s can be.

      Anyway, you take care of yourself! May God surround you with His angels and His Love, and protect you and L and the children. May He raise up your family and renew and strengthen that special husband-wife bond between you and L. May nothing and no one come between you two. May God give L a better understanding of your needs, and you a better understanding of L’s needs, and of course provide for a job which is just right for you. I should be able to write from the US… I hope anyway. Bye for now… WP (Work in Progress)

      1. Hi WP! What a positive message from u. I’m so happy the way things are with u. I wish I was also in that ‘good and safe’ place u find yourself in. Yes u did mention maybe there IS more to my daughter’s behaviour. L and I have to seriously consider our options on assessing her behaviour and why she acts this way. I know L isn’t too open minded on this tho and he will say she’s just acting her age. Lemme rephrase my earlier posts, my daughter is difficult WITH ME! Its like I’m the weakling. She knows how much I love her and how I am. Children sense these things. I don’t have much tolerance. Well atleast NOW, I am learning to have some.

        OM??? Sigh. Its not friendship only. No. And No two ppl of the opp sex cannot be friends ONLY. One of them will fall for the other or have a sexual attraction AT LEAST. I want to move away from OM so much but I don’t wnt to hurt him and I am in my comfort zone when I am conversing with him. Yes I am afraid of consequences (his wife), but the caution taken is really strong. What worries me is I DO NOT WANNA SIN. That’s the only thing that will stop me from conversing with OM. I don’t like the darkness abt our relation. The book I am reading is called ‘Speaking Mom-ese’. What a lovely bOok. Thought provoking. Christian based. Beautiful. Today whilst reading it, I felt the urge to just cut ties with OM but hw can I keep playg him like a puppet? Its hard to stay away and hard to stay as well. WP, I secretly feel that if I get a job, my mind won’t be idle and I won’t feel the void. I’ll be occupied. I’ll talk less and less with OM. But also, I hope not to meet sme1 else. SIgh! Frustration ALL around. Where do we win?

        I want to walk with God and follow His ways. The Ways He want for us. I want to expose the darkness in me. I want Christ to shed light on me. I feel alone WP. My personal struggles that NO1 knows of is consuming me daily.

        Thank u for the prayers. I cherish your friendship. You stay blessed WP and I hope u make the most of your time with your family. Ahhhhh! I’m envious of your visit ;) How exciting it will be. Take care. SDN

        1. Hi SDN, That was fast! Thank you for your answer. Yes I’m in a safe place for now, but I should take nothing for granted. I know that if OWW contacts me, that the old intense feelings will come rushing back. And I don’t want that. It’s the same as with you. I too do not want to sin. All the memories of my online OW’s come back now… And I remember how hard it was to delete my FB page. BUT, that was the solution SDN… It worked!

          You have already exposed the darkness in you, haven’t you? All your texts… So well written, so honest and heartfelt… These are precious to God. See Psalm 51. The same struggle is described there too. It’s good that you are reading “Speaking Mom-ese!” It’s an effort to occupy your mind with healthy things but it is so worth it!! This is very good. Getting a job will be good… But be on your guard. Yes you will be occupied- but the temptations are there I’m sorry to say. You have come a long way. You will do well. God is looking after you :))

          I’m thinking of your daughter. You say she is naughty only with you? Oh! That’s perhaps different- and could be that your daughter knows she can get away with it with you. Little girls are smarter than little boys I think at getting their own way. My daughter is quite strict, but fair, with her 4-year old. Little M gets away with nothing! Crying and screaming is met with a calm, “If you want to do that, then do it in your room. You let me know when you’re finished. Bye!” I wish you great patience but also keen discernment… You can do this! But you don’t have to put up with any nonsense. :))

          Christ IS shedding light on you and for you. He waits for you to come to Him. And to ask Him into your heart and to believe that He is who He claims to be. He can and will help you in ways only He knows. His timing is perfect, His Love is unending. He knows your personal struggles better than even you do. He knows your heart.

          You have my prayers. You too stay blessed… And thanks for your well wishes for my visit. It’s nice to hear from you :) Bye for now, You take care! WP

  29. Hi WP. Thank u for your last post and most importantly your kind yet forceful words of encouragement. It makes a big difference in my life. I know what u mean when u say u r sort of in a safe place for now with OWW. The feelings u feel are only hidden. They’re probably being pushed away by your enthusiasm for the upcoming fam visit OR the excitement for the weekend or maybe u have been occupied lately with stuff at home. The lure of the EA usually attacks when we r alone, when its quiet, when our minds wander to THAT place. This is the reason I want to start work soon as well. How I am pining for it. I just can’t be at home any longer. I AM being positive. At least I’m trying.

    Yes Mom-ese, the book that inspires me. I want to buy more ‘mom’ books that could help with my daughter. I sometimes feel like my dad when I reprimand my sweet girl for somethings she has done only to feel like a monster thereafter. A part of me feels I am with her the way that I am because of the way I was raised. I need to reprogram myself. But wait wait… She is naughty x 10000000000000000. Lol. Perhaps change my approach towards her so she listens to me. O Dear God, please help with that!

    WP, please know that you have made a huge impact on my life. This site has brought my deepest struggles to light. I am educated now that I am on this site and more so because I have acquainted with u. Take care. I hope all goes well with your visit. Pls remember to post and let me know how u r feelin. Stay blessed, Always. SDN

    1. Hi SDN… Thanks so much for your very kind comments; I know you’re busy and your time is precious. Again… You are exactly right about OWW. I push away the feelings and, as you say, they rush back in unguarded and unexpected moments. Emotions are intense to be sure! In some ways they are the “stuff of life” but they can cause such anguish too! You’re very perceptive! But I have said this before:))

      Going to work will be good for you… I hope and pray for a good job that’s just right! But yes, temptations await in the workplace too. But “forewarned is forearmed.” You have weathered much… You can overcome this too :)

      Re your daughter… I recognize your comments in myself- I was raised in an extremely strict way- which is fine up to a point, but dangerous when taken beyond that point. I believe I was taken beyond that point… And therefore tended to go too far in the opposite direction with my own children. I had to learn that I was my children’s parent first. And then after that their friend- not the other way around. Does this sound like you? What do you think? I settled on the following basic policy:
      – pick your battles carefully, and win them decisively.
      – say “yes” whenever possible.
      – “no” means “no,” not “maybe.”
      – lying is not tolerated.
      – backtalk is not tolerated.
      – always feel free to express yourself in a respectful way.
      – a reprimand’s severity should fit the crime, and should be done only to correct, and never to hurt out of spite or anger.

      Thank God I have a good relationship with both children now. This I do not take for granted. God knows I’m far from perfect. I’ve made my share of mistakes- some of which you know; I struggle with wrong thoughts and have caused hurt to people… I fall short in many ways. I have much to learn. So I’m thankful that my comments have meant so much to you SDN :) This makes me truly happy.

      Yes I will of course remember to post… It should be possible from the US. I’ll need to find a WiFi spot. I’ll do my best. We leave on Monday the 16th, and return on the 24th. I’m nervous!!! I’ll let you know. You also- please let me know how you are. May God bless you always, look after you, and surround you with His angels today. Bye for now… WP

      1. Hi WP. Thank u for your recent post and parenting guidelines. I have stored them in my brain. Always good to get advice from some1 more mature and also who isn’t corrupt full of complexes. I am trying my best in raising my daughter well. For me too, I should be taken as PARENT 1st then Friend. My parents, esp my dad was wayyyyyy to strict and irrational in his ways of discipline. I had to always act accordingly! EVEN in my OWN home in my own free play time. I don’t know what he was thinking but his dad was also a tyrant. My mum was somewhat oblivious to the EXTREME abuse and…slavery. WP, I never mentioned this before and only L knows of this part. A few times whilst growing up my dad did make subtle sexual advances on me. And I was not very small to misunderstand the acts or misconstru them. No1 knows of this. He was always a pervert anyway. I have a love/hate relationship with him.

        This weekend I spent at home. I did miss OM but not intensely. We only converse during his work hours. No exception. The sports day is coming up in 2weeks. I hope his wife doesn’t recognise me. I am positive she won’t tho. U can never knw really. I am excited to see OM on that day. I know he will be fixated on me. That alone will make me feel good. Ofcourse.

        Anyway WP, all the best for the 16th . I will look forward to your posts but if u can’t it is fine. I just hope nothing major happens between that time. Who else will I turn to?

        Stay bleSsed always Dear WP. Take care and be safe too. SDN

        1. Hi SDN, As usual, I am very happy to hear from you :) And yes, your upbringing sounds very similar to mine. But you and I can resolve not to allow this pattern to continue through our children. It sounds like you are already putting a stop to continuing this legacy, but of course we need guidlines, and examples of what is OK. Again, pray, and seek the advice of other trusted parents… and listen carefully to your own heart. You are doing well SDN. I am proud of you! You have weathered well the most potentially damaging element of your upbringing, i.e. your Dad’s advances. Perhaps your Mum was shutting her eyes to the whole thing… because she did not know what to do? Very hard to say. Please KNOW that this was NOT your fault, and that you are a quality person. You have shown this quality side of you in many ways. Remember the letter describing the “real you?” Remember you said it was hard to argue with the attributes mentioned? Don’t forget!!

          Tomorrow we leave for the train station in the late morning local time here (which is 9 hours later than the time mentioned in the posts on this site) and arrive at our destination 24 hours later. I am more ready now than I was earlier; I am more confident now. Of course I will let you know how it goes… :))

          Yes, I have not forgotten your sports day. Be ready SDN, and please have a care… please do not get hurt!! Please be careful with your ongoing correspondence with OM…. Do not allow yourself to fall into that “pit…” We will be back when your sports day takes place, and of course I am curious about the outcome. (a little question- do you mean OM1 with your expression “No1”? Just wondering)

          I will write soon. Meanwhile, please take care of yourself, and stay close to God, and ask His advice. Be blessed always and do not forget who you are. Again, I am proud of you! :) Please let me know how you are when you have a chance. Bye for now, WP (Work in Progress)

          1. Hi SDN… I hope you are well. We’re in the US now- travel was long but turned out fine. I hope things are all right with your ongoing correspondence with OM… It makes me nervous though. I hope you see this post and please let me know how you are doing. I also wanted to tell you- your texts have been a real help to me- how you have pointed out my faults and things I did not see with OWW. Thank you :) Keep reading the “Mom-ese” book… Stay close to God… He knows your heart better than anyone… Stay blessed always :)) ok? Take care! WP

  30. Hi WP. I hope you are well. Its just after 7am in SA and I am wondering how u are doing. I hope you are enjoying your trip. It must be so good visiting your parents and fam after sooooooo long. I HAVE to see my mum every week. And I speak to her more than once in a day. We are very close.

    WP, something interesting haPpened. Yes I still converse with OM. Yesterday he told me smething very dark . He said that at the age of 10 he was abused by his neighbor who was in high school at the time. It was sexually orientated acts but not the actual ACT of sex itself. I ddnt know how to receive this information. He told me something so private. I immediately thought that now having known all this and that he really opened up his wounds to me, its gonna be extra hard to leave. That was my 1st thought.

    What do u think WP?

    I have been applying for jobs like mad. Some days I am frustrated, other days are better.

    Pls let me know what u r doing and how it is in US. Which part of d US are u at? Sooooo fascinating!!!

    Stay blessed WP. Always. Take care and be safe there in the US. SDN

    1. Hi SDN! I just read you text now… so wanted to answer as soon as I could. I’ve also been wondering how you are. Yes I am enjoying our trip… I visited the area where I grew up just yesterday; was a bit strange, but a good time basically. It is another life really, my whole childhood, now so long ago. We are staying with my sister in on the coast in Connecticut; my twin brother, and younger brother also came to visit a few hours ago, so it’s the first time all 4 of us have been in the same place now since 4 years ago. We’ve been talking, conversing… Not so easy, but very positive.

      Re. OM’s confession- wow! This is very significant, in the sense that OM feels very safe with you to admit to such an event in his life. I wonder if his wife knows. You are right, this development makes it that much harder to leave. SDN, I’m worried about you… how are you going to handle this anyway? I went through the same thought process; I remember thinking, with the on-line OW’s. “This cannot go on forever,” You’re running the risk of OM’s wife, or of L learning of your continued correspondence… and of course you know this. I know how you feel, because I have the same with OWW. I run across her name, and the old compassion comes back, and I really wonder how she is doing, and if she is all right. She doesn’t contact me, because of our agreement, and I don’t contact her, for the same reason, but I know the feelings are there, just buried underground. She wished me happy birthday 2 weeks ago (May 15) and it was wonderful to hear from her… but I know that my wife comes first, and I know that I cannot contact OWW without telling R. It’s hard… you and I both know that. Just have a care SDN, please do not endanger yourself, your marriage or your children. I know that bringing up 2 children is a tough job, and that you are doing your best.

      Keep going with your job search… and stay blessed… You take care of yourself too… I hope to hear from you soon. I have great respect for you you know… WP

  31. Hello everyone. I seldom frequent the site, but as some of you know, I’ve been a frequent visitor here over the years. I am here to tell you the good news that there is great hope for those struggling with an emotional affair. Psalm 51 is your dearest friend. David sinned greatly, and yet the Lord restored him. He was accounted ‘a man after God’s own heart” – and although his sin was ‘greater’ than ours in one sense, he was beloved of God. I can never boast, but I will encourage you, that by God’s great grace, love and mercy, entirely through Christ, you can be restored, healed, forgiven, and even be granted a service more potent and purposeful than before your great trial.

    Although my healing was long and painful, the Lord has indeed restored my soul from the pit, and placed a new song, new desires and even new avenues of service. The Lord has placed a real burden on my heart for the lost, and for going into the highways and byways and sharing the gospel. I wish to proclaim His great news of salvation in Christ, and my journey through this may have stripped me of the place of ministry within the walls of the church, but not so on the streets. Indeed, I have even more desire in this area than before, and I feel the sting of sin and the warning perhaps comes from a deeper place now for me.

    While it is unlikely that I will drop in here very often, if at all, I wanted to leave a link here to the culmination of the story of my journey in the form of an article I wrote, designed for use by this site, and anyone who may find it helpful. My troubles began I believe as I began to preach within the church, and in my naivety, I thought myself strong enough to tackle the subject of spiritual warfare, and preached on the world, the flesh and the devil. I completed the first two, but by the last topic, I had indeed been taken down by our great foe, and in my sinfulness, I succumbed to this particular sin in a profound way. It is from that vantage point that I focussed my article on the strategies the devil uses particularly in the formation and outworking of an emotional affair, and the various stages a believer may pass through during such an ‘attack’.

    My article is far from complete, and I have refined it as much as time allowed, but it has many gaps. To be honest, upon reflection (and after reading a wonderful book – “The Christian in Complete Armour – a puritan classic) I think the spiritual battle is far, far stronger in all our lives than this brief article makes out. Nevertheless, my only prayer is that someone may find this helpful. I have used a pen-name for my article by the way.

    I do wish you all the best, and I trust that in some way, I have encouraged some here. I know you have done the same for me.

    Here is the link to my article: https://www.dropbox.com/s/c6e93li4ti8g570/Phases%20%26%20Strategies.pdf?dl=0

    Once again, blessings to you all. Running Man

    1. Hi Running Man, Many many thanks for your very comprehensive article- well written and obviously from an author who is not writing from a basis of theory and books only. I trust that your essay will be of great help to many… and I am confident that your journey/story will be a clear illustration of Romans 8:28 “For we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” You take care… WP (Work in Progress)

      1. Hi WP. I really hope u are well. I am here to tell u that have started a job at a law firm. It is hectic WP.

        WP, OM is still ‘there’ but somewhere in the back. I have NO TIME whatsoever now. I am still finding myself in this new transition. It is so difficult WP and I am praying.

        The job is a small start but with huge proSpects of me being an attorney sooon.

        How are u WP?? I miss our conversations so much. U wre such a big help for me and played a huge role at this point in my life. I wish u all the best WP. I want to know how u r and how is things with OWW and R.

        Its too soon to say but L is somehow nicer. Odd. U learn about your spouse everyday.

        Take care WP and stay BLESSED, always. SDN

        1. Hi SDN! I’m very happy to hear from you! I too look forward to our conversations :) So now you are working! A new start! Yeesss… hectic… I’m all too familiar with THAT :) You will soon be an attorney? Very impressive SDN! (What kind of attorney? Criminal law? Social / Family issues?) You have worked hard on your schooling, and now you have a chance to go somewhere with it. I’m very happy for you! I just hope you can strike a good balance between home and work… that’s a real “judgement call.” I had to decide numerous times between family and business travel…and sometimes (but not too often) I would say “no.” My daughter would be awake very early to see me go… she really missed me when I was gone. THAT was hard to hear!

          I am basically well SDN. It is now 4 months of no work, and I’m still adjusting. I like the stress free situation now, but I’m really looking for a new “passion” to work on. I have been a photgrapher for years and I was asked just yesterday to put together a course for landscape photography for a outdoors sports group. Looks interesting. :) I’ve been covering parties and special events for friends, but that’s not really enough.

          I think I have a balance now with OWW. We write every once in a while, but not too often. OWW is back with her boyfriend again, she said to me she hopes it is now “forever.” I’m truly happy for her and I’m happy that we’re therefore more in a “good friends / father daughter” situation. I wonder if she and her boyfriend will work though. Between you and me, I have my doubts. She has a birthday on Wednesday, so R and I both wrote her a card and sent it earlier today.

          Wonderful that L is “nicer!” I’m glad to hear that :) OM is in the background now… sounds good. But you have far less time now anyway. So nice to hear from you and to know you are well. I know you are busy… but I always welcome any news from you. Please let me know how you are when you have some time, OK? Take care and be blessed always too… God is looking after you. Don’t forget!! WP (Work in Progress)

  32. Hi Running Man, WP, SDN, and others! I hope you are all doing well! Your posts sound more and more cheerful! Running Man, I can’t even begin to tell you how much hope your post gives me. I am still in the stages of recovery and it seems like such a slow and painful journey. My mind becomes more and more clear every day, which is so refreshing! I am starting to feel like myself again instead of the lobotomized, brainwashed version of myself that I became during this experience.

    My question is, when does your heart heal? Mine was damaged beyond recognition. It’s like I kept trying to give it back to my true love while an intruder kept trying to yank it from me. Not that I don’t shoulder any of the blame. I do. I should have guarded my heart, but failed to. It just feels like this big broken lump in my chest now, beaten down from all the warfare. I finally understand what the Bible means when it says the heart is deceptive. It’s like mine took off running as soon as this person came along and spoke all the right words to it.

    Granted, I was very lonely during that time and things were not good at home, but that is not an excuse. I should have turned to God and not someone else who wanted to meet those emotional needs in a very unhealthy way. The hard thing is, I can’t hate the person. When someone is kind to you, no matter how misguided, it’s hard to dislike them. It was such a slow and subtle progression. I didn’t see what was happening until it was too late. I was naive. My heart ran away with me and it took all my strength and constant turning to God to yank it back before something worse could happen. I thank God every day for helping me through it.

    I sometimes worry that I will never completely heal, but I know that’s a lie. I know God heals the brokenhearted. I know the person I can be. I know I can be the person my spouse deserves. I keep clinging to God’s promises. Faith always lights the way home, right? God bless you all.

    1. Hi Unhooked…Wow!! So nice to hear from you again!! Your words describe this terrible dilemma so well…It is actually hard to read your text since it reminds me once again of the struggle and the strong emotions… It is scary to me that these forces have such power. We can know in our minds to “steer clear,” and yet the pull is so strong!!

      What I wonder about is…some people seem not to have a real problem at all with temptations and EA’s… and some… like ourselves… DO wage a battle in this area. I know this is a difficult question, but I wish with everything in me that I did not have this fight.

      Here is what I wrote at the end of last April: (I insert “Unhooked” in here now) I think ONE reason people get into EA’s because they are crying out for someone to validate them, to help them feel better about themselves, to close the “festering wounds,” to take away the pain that is always there… but in the background.

      After all this time, I can say that the one single factor that helped me was receiving the love of Christ for me personally. This is taking a long time (for me) and is anything but easy (for me). I am still not there yet… “Receiving the love of Christ” means to believe / realize that He loves YOU… as an individual person…. YOU- “Unhooked” That Psalm 91 and Psalm 139 are true for YOU, “Unhooked” That He went through the horrors of the crucifixion for YOU, “Unhooked” as an individual. That He cares for YOU, for “Unhooked” and that your real worth and value as a person are defined and demonstrated by HIM, the Christ, the Son of the Living God!

      I realize after finding the above text again from last April, that when we feel the old emotions and temptations more strongly, I think perhaps we will also discover that we have strayed away from God, little by little. Isn’t it true that when we are close to Him, communicating with Him, established in our relationship with Him, that “EA troubles” take a backseat to the joys of fellowship with the Living God? I would think so.

      Maybe healing comes as we “let go and let God,” to coin an often-used phrase in another context. He says in His Word that “He is near to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Ps 34:8) and that He “heals the brokenhearted” (Ps 147:3)… see also Isaiah 61:1.

      I wish very much that I had had a spiritual father. Wow!! This is something I find hard to imagine. Must be such a blessing.

      Anyway, I hope to hear from you soon Unhooked. You are not alone…It is good to share your thoughts here. Yes, you.., and I…, and others who are truly seeking, WILL find healing- this is His promise. His Word lights the way home I think. “Your Word is a lamp unto my feet and a light to my path.” (Ps 119:105)

      Unhooked, please take care , and may God “finish the good work He has begun in you in Christ Jesus.”
      WP (Work in Progress)

      1. Thanks WP!! It is incredibly scary how much power these forces have! It does give me hope to know though that there is a way out with enough separation. We can find freedom from the pull with the renewing of our minds. People are tempted and pulled away by their own desires so I believe it is very important that we get to the root of these desires and weed out any unhealthy beliefs we may have. I think when we make an idol of the validation that you mentioned, it puts us at risk for being tempted and opens the door to spiritual attack. At least, I felt very spiritually attacked and now wounded. I may be down, but I am not out. “My suffering was good for me, for it taught me to pay attention to your decrees,” – Psalm 119:71

        Nothing in this life should ever be set above our relationship with God. God is our protection and when we stray away in our walk with him as you mentioned, it makes us vulnerable. I believe this is why he compares himself to the good shepherd. He wants to protect us. We are at risk because of our desires and he knows they can lead us into trouble if we aren’t careful. Look around and you will see people with endless desires they can never satisfy. It’s such a prison. I think God wants us to step out of that prison. I think his word is the key.

        This has given me great sympathy for those that suffer from various addictions. People have no clue the hell this is! I can’t even imagine what people are going through who struggle with substance abuse and various other addictions. I judge no one now.

        Thank you for the reminder about receiving the love of Christ. I still struggle with that. I used to feel his presence, but now I have trouble and fear this has put some distance between us. I will trust him at his word though. He promised nothing could snatch me out of his hand so I will keep believing even if I can’t sense him as strongly as I used to. I trust he is there. I hope some day he can still call me a good and faithful servant. Thank you for the many words of encouragement and the reminder that I am not alone!! God bless.

        1. Hi Unhooked, Thank you SO much for all your words…they come at just now the right time for me. I am in a difficult place now and your words are such a help. The “OWW” I mention in earlier texts here. is a woman at work whom I have known for about a year. She sees me as a father, but in my own heart I have an unhealthy emotional tie to her…and I think also she with me. I have had several talks with my wife about it (my wife knows her) … and I know I have to break this relationship. This will happen later today. It’s hard Unhooked…it’s very hard. I hurt now and I know it is best to make a break, and I know the hurt will dissipate over time, but right now it is fesh and raw. You are so right with everything you have written. I can see answers for others, and I do know what is right, and yet I can rationalize my own situation ohh so well.. :(

          I love my wife so much and I don’t want to hurt her. Yet I have hurt her…and this is enough for me. How would I feel if my wife had a relationship like this with a man at work? Of course I would not like it. I know this. So I have to call OWW later and tell her. I don’t want these temptations and intense emotions!! I am tired of this fight! :((

          Your second paragraph is so true. Thank you. I will come back and read it several times again in the next days. I need to stay inside God’s fences, His boundaries define safety and security. You ask when will my heart heal? I know so well how you feel!!! We WILL heal, I know we will, I trust we will, I look forward even now to a whole and happy heart. But we have to seek God, and stay so close to Him… my wife keeps telling me this… why do I keep resisting? I have to make a change….

          My talks with my wife have cleared my head, and now I am acting on what I know I have to do. I just want to get through today and come out the other side now…I hope that you or someone else reads this and replies…I could really use a bit of help now…Thank you. I will write more later ….
          WP (Work in Progress)

          1. Hi…Well…It’s now done. I put everything on the table. I had allowed myself to become too attached to her, and my wife could feel this and was clearly hurting. We wrote and sent the letter together. So now I am reading all the material at the beginning of this site (again).

            It’s not that I have a bad marriage…not at all. I have to guard my heart and seek God more each day and go through the material at the beginning of this section. I hurt now…but I know that what I am doing is right. I know the pain will get better. I hope I can sleep OK later.

            I know what you mean Unhooked, when you say you struggle with the love of Christ. It took so long for me to appreciate the depths of His Love, and yet sometimes I fall back into my old distrustful thought patterns. Your text, “He promised nothing could snatch me out of his hand so I will keep believing even if I can’t sense him as strongly as I used to. I trust he is there. I hope some day he can still call me a good and faithful servant,” really resonates with me. That is something I needed to hear and be reminded of. So…. Thank you :)

            Yes our hearts will heal. I will continue to believe that. It’s one of His promises. :) I hope to hear from you… WP (Work in Progress)

  33. Dear WP: I can sense the pain in your words and I greatly understand what you are going through. The road is long and hard, but if you keep your focus on God, you will get through it. I believe our faith/mental focus is like a muscle. The more we learn to strengthen it, the stronger we will become to fight against these things. We are in a battle to think with our spirit and not our flesh. This is a slow painful process, but with great rewards and freedom in the end.

    Jesus said he came so that we would have life more abundantly. Our holy God saw our suffering and how we became ensnared in ungodly desires, things promising great rewards, but ultimately leading to poisonous results. “Stolen bread tastes sweet, but it turns to gravel in the mouth,” Proverbs 20:17. I don’t believe God likes our unnecessary suffering. I think sometimes he allows suffering for reasons I don’t completely understand. Maybe to teach us? Our father calls us to peace though. “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest,” Matthew 11:28.

    You may also want to pray with a trusted Christian against anything that may be trying to attack you. I believe when we sin, it weakens our natural spiritual defenses. Maybe you are not in the same situation as I was, but when I prayed with a friend, I felt something dark leave so I believe it’s important to pray against any strongholds in your life. I don’t say this to scare you, but just so you are aware to protect yourself. “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind,” 2 Timothy 1:7. God is so much stronger than anything that could ever come against us so there is no need to fear. He will get rid of anything coming against us when we ask in faith and he will not give us more than we can handle. He is such a good God!

    Since I last wrote to you about struggling to feel his presence, I now feel his presence more than ever!!! It’s as though he saw my words and wanted to show me he is here! I am completely amazed. Take heart, WP, you are, “worth more than many sparrows,” and “even the very hairs on your head are numbered” Matthew 10:30-31. One thing that helped me that may help you is as you let go, limit the time you grieve for her. Maybe an hour or two a day? Then refocus your attention on God and an activity you enjoy to distract you. This is an addiction and thinking about her excessively will only make it harder on you.

    Lastly, learn to meet your own emotional needs. They are important needs that you have the power to fulfill with enough practice. God will comfort your soul. Please rest in him during this hard time. Don’t give up, friend! Keep fighting the good fight of faith! You have been a blessing to many people on this site. God sees that. He knows your heart. Turn and rest in him, the one who loves you more than any human ever could. Take care and don’t give up! This storm will pass in time and you will have peace again. I will be praying for you! We are all here for you! God bless!

    1. Hi Unhooked, Thank you, thank you, thank you for taking the time to write your text! It means so much that you have devoted some of your time to me. I have read it several times through, and your words are a real help to me.

      Today I took a walk with my son and his family… sometimes my thoughts would return to OWW and I became so sad inside. Then I am distracted, then I feel hopeful… and then sad again. All this makes me realize I really WAS in too deep, and that this break is a good development, even though it hurts. I had to admit to myself and then to my wife that I clearly had deep feelings for OWW… I so looked forward to her texts, and I so enjoyed her company. I felt a strong love for her, because we both experienced deep rejection as children, and we understood each other very well. It never became physical, this would be a grievous wrong… that was not such a temptation for me… but I have to admit, I was really attracted to her.

      I did try and stop this several months ago, and it worked for a while, and then we fell back into our old patterns again. She said she missed me… and I told her I missed her… my feelings were very strong! But where would it have gone? Stress for me trying to keep contact with her without letting my wife know what I was doing… very stressful! Knowing in my heart that this is not good. No… this is a good development now. It would have only grown worse and harder to exit.

      But enough… I do grieve right now… and I have to let this process take its course. You’re right… I need to limit this. You’re right… too much dwelling on her will make it harder. Through the last few days and talks with my wife, I feel as if I have come out of a “grey” place into a place of “more light.” The “dynamic” between my wife and me has “opened up,” something has clearly changed for the better between us (not that it was so bad before). It’s hard to describe… I think this is a spiritual change as a result of this relationship coming to the light with everything on the table. I have to let OWW go now. I hope she doesn’t hurt too much… I pray for that.

      I feel a little embarrassed by all this to be honest, although I also feel safe here. Yes I have replied to other people on this site, hoping to ease their pain. And yes it is easier to look at another person’s situation and have a pretty clear idea on what to say. But I never want to portray myself as the “guy with all the answers…” far from it!! I have said this once before I believe, but I’ll repeat it here anyway. :) My wife is a strong “prayer warrior,” and prays for me against attack already. Your words about this are just right… I will return to read them often.

      Yes I do need to learn to meet more my own emotional needs. I need to know my Father better… as “Daddy.” This is still a new concept for me, and I will learn to rest in Him. Very true. I need to know Him better. He alone can completely fill my longings… I need this very much. Thank you for your time and your prayers… they really mean so much. I hope you reply once again… but if not, that’s OK, I know you are busy. You are a real inspiration you know. Thank you, Cheers, WP