Marriage Missions International

Haunted by Premarital Sex

Image credit: mikebechtle.com

Image credit: mikebechtle.com

They talk a lot about using “protection” when you have sexual relations with someone (other than your spouse). But as someone (unknown) once said,

“There is no condom for the brain or the heart. So when you have sex before marriage you’re playing with fire that will most likely burn you at some point in your life… especially in your marriage relationship.”

And tragically a lot of couples are finding this to be true. How do you erase the memories you have of having sex with someone else and stop playing “the comparison game” when you are making love with your spouse? And how do you deal with the guilt when you realize that you have violated God’s standards?

When you confess and ask the Lord for forgiveness, “God is faithful and just to forgive us and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness,” but then there’s the matter of forgiving yourself and moving on in life past it. Premarital sex is sin and sin causes problems.

As Brian and Heather Jamison said,

“Premarital sex wounds the sanctity of a heart and, left untreated, can scar a marriage for a lifetime. We speak from experience; our relationship began with a fall. And we have the scars to prove it.”

To gain insight from what Brian and Heather have learned that helped them to deal with this issue, plus the “Four Keys to Reclaiming Intimacy” that the Jamison’s pass along, please read:

• HAUNTED BY PREMARITAL SEX

“True, you can’t get your virginity back —you’ll never be the person you once were. You can, however, be stronger and wiser than you were before – and more able to resist what you know is wrong.”

The above statement came from Laurel L Cornell, who knows only too well, how a person can be haunted with memories and thoughts after having had sex before marriage. But as she says, you can become wiser than before, and stronger than you probably ever could imagine at this time.

She wrote an article that is posted on the Growthtrac.com web site that addresses those who are married and those who are not yet married —to women who want to feel clean again and not plagued by feelings and images of the past they want to forget. We encourage you to read:

PURE AGAIN

Below is a link to a related article written by Christie Mohamed, posted on her blog web site, Beauty Through Ashes. She is a young gal who gives hope to those who have done things they regret now regret, and insight into a good way to deal with it and experience freedom and forgiveness. Please read:

MY BIGGEST REGRET

For those of you who are not married, you may find the following article helpful. It’s written by Dr Greg and Michael Smalley and is posted on the Growthtrac.com web site.

SEVEN STEPS TO REGAINING AND MAINTAINING VIRGINITY

If you have additional tips you can share to help others int his area of marriage, or you want to share request for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.

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Comments

74 Responses to “Haunted by Premarital Sex”
  1. ANN says:

    (USA) I have been celibate for the past few years, and me and this young man have been dating over a year. I have been in prayer and fasting regarding our relationship and we have manage to keep God in it from the beginning. Everything has been beautiful up to this point God has been teaching me how to be a wife, how to handle him and how to also pray for him.

    Over the course of the year we have not had an impure conversation and when temptation presented itself we manage to get away from each other to keep the relationship pure. I give God all the glory because everything that I have seen him do in our relationship has all been a God doing. And without a shadow of a doubt I know God put us together. Just recently we had sex. There is not a word on the planet that I could use to describe how I felt. I felt like dying because of how I could do such a thing to God. How could God use me for His kingdom?

    Part 2 of this is not knowing if God would still allow us to get married and have a successful marriage. We repented and vowed that we wouldn’t have sex until we’re married. I just feel horrible because everything was so beautiful and now it’s tainted. I know that God is all powerful and we could never begin to understand His ways and he could change this whole situation around if He wanted to. But at the end of the day the decision is His. I’m just having a hard time forgiving myself for shaming God. I let him down and Victory was at the door and I didn’t make it and it left me feeling like a failure. More so because so many people have been watching me and my walk with God because I’m a leader and now I’ve stumbled.

    One thing I will say even after the incident, God gave me peace. All I could do was weep because I thought God gave me peace in the midst of all my mess. I would like to know if anyone has gone through what I’ve been through and did God restore the relationship, use it for His Glory and did you eventually marry your spouse? I feel like I’m alone. Please seek guidance from the Holy Spirit before responding. I’m in a very low place and do not wish to hear any worldly comments.

    • Esther says:

      (RWANDA) My dear Ann, Praise the Lord Jesus! The same happened to a very closed person. She definitely married the person she was in love with and have 3 beautiful children with him (6 yrs, 3yrs and 6 months) now.

      She also struggled to forgive herself but managed to do so because it is the devil trick to make someone feel so bad about themselves while God has already forgiven or wiped/deleted their sins. Remember once God forgives you, he in fact forget your mistake as if it has never happened. Just believe it has never happens and it is God plan and stumbling is not falling down. You know now by experience that there are rocks on the way so you will be careful not to stumble again.

      God will give you joy on top of peace and trust him to give you a beautiful marriage and long years to serve him faithfully. God bless you.

      • Ann says:

        (USA) Thank you Esther for your sweet words. Yes, the devil has been beating me up since the incident took place and I allowed him to because I felt like I deserved it. I’ve been in the bed not wanting to get out just constantly crying out to God. It hurts so bad and I can’t seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Even now as I’m typing my eyes are flooding. I’ve just been so much over the past few years and my walk with God has been so good. I’ve obtained victory in many areas of my life and I felt heaven rejoiced when my faith withstood the trial.

        I’ve watched the enemy attack my relationship with this man and God showed me the power of prayer and God perform miraculous things in our lives. Now I feel that every purpose, promise, and plan that God had for my life like it won’t come to pass. Everyday the enemy plants thoughts like, “because you did this your marriage will be that, and all these great things God called you to do won’t happen and you miss your breakthrough; now God won’t prosper you. You’re not the Christian you thought you were, now look at you.”

        All I wanted was for God to use me; I wanted Him to get all the Glory and it’s my fault because I wasn’t prayed up enough, I should have walked away like times before. This time it felt like my spirit departed from my body because the flesh completely took over. I just have a lot of praying to do.

  2. Jackie says:

    (UGANDA) Hi, recently I have been feeling so much guilt about my past. I slept with so many men I even lost count or I don’t wanna count. I was saved but would backslide. About 6 years ago I recommitted my life to Christ and started walking in sexual purity. I met a good man who I told that I would not have sex with him until marriage. He left saying that he cannot wait for me. I have the desire to live for God but when that man left me it was painful. However, I still choose to live for Christ anyway.

    The problem is I wish I had not lost my virginity. I wish I had kept myself pure. Maybe this man would not have left me if I were a virgin who wants to wait until marriage. I believe that God forgave me but sometimes I wonder which man would want to wait for a girl who is not a virgin? I just pray I meet him but the guilt is sooooo heavy on me lately. I am 36 but I fantasize how it would have been if I were a virgin, but I cannot turn the clock back.

    I have truly learnt that nothing good comes out of disobeying God. I have tried to forgive myself but it seems hard. I have prayed but don’t feel better. Someone please counsel me. Thanks.

    • Cindy Wright says:

      Jackie, I well understand regrets. Oh, if we could only turn back the hands of time with the knowledge of what we know now. But we can’t. All we can do is live our lives NOW so that we don’t live with additional regrets later.

      Jackie, please let me clear something up. This “good man” was not so good. He didn’t cherish you. He was more concerned about his sexual needs than he was about piling more regrets upon you later –too bad for your feelings, as long as he’s satisfied sexually. What does that tell you about the future and the importance he will hold in satisfying his own needs over yours? That’s not a good man –it’s a self-centered one. He’s also not a man after God’s heart. He showed you that he cares more about his needs, than what God wants for you and for him. He does not have good spiritual integrity or moral integrity. No matter what your past is, if this was a good man, he would look at the standards you are now holding true to, and would admire that, rather than leave you with a broken heart. I’m SO sorry that he did this to you and put you into this confusion. That’s from the enemy of our faith. God doesn’t hold your past against you and loves you all the more for your present standards.

      Please, please, please release him as best you can from your mind. Work hard on it. All that you think he could have been for you –quit nursing it and rehearsing it, release it every time it and he comes to mind. He isn’t worth it. I can easily predict that he would have brought you more eventual heartache than you have now. He didn’t cherish you and as a result, he would probably trash you and your feelings in the future.

      As for the “what if’s” …you can drive yourself crazy with that. That’s another spirit crusher. And it will keep you prisoner every time you entertain those thoughts in your mind. You’ve GOT to keep throwing those thoughts out before they even have a chance to grab hold. When they first pop into your mind, throw them out as junk mail. If you have to throw them out a hundred times in 5 minutes, do so until they stay out. Jesus did that when tempted, and so should you. We’re told in God’s Word that we are to “destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God and take every thought captive to obey Christ.” (2 Corinthians 10:8 ESV)

      Find something else more worthy to put into your mind in substitute, to think about, after you throw the garbage thoughts out. In Philippians 4:8-9 (my life verses) we’re told “Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable –if anything is excellent or praiseworthy –think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me –put it into practice, and the God of peace will be with you.” God’s peace DOES come as we do this, guaranteed!

      And lastly, keep in mind that most of us have things that we regret BIG TIME! Think of the Apostle Paul… he beat Christians up and was responsible for killing Steven and such. He horribly persecuted God’s people. You talk about big regrets! But we can take note of his life. He didn’t allow his past transgressions and the “if only’s” to drag him away from doing God’s present will. He pressed on. And you need to do that too. Paul, through the inspiration of God wrote the following testimony of his life and the challenge to ours: “Not that I’ve already obtained this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: FORGETTING WHAT IS BEHIND and STRAINING TOWARD what is ahead I PRESS ON toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ.” (Philippians 3:12-14)

      I love how the Living Bible has it phrased, “I don’t mean to say I am perfect. I haven’t learned all I should even yet, but I keep working toward that day when I will finally be all that Christ saved me for and wants me to be. No, I am still not all I should be, but I am bringing all my energies to bear on this one thing: forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I strain to reach the end of the race and receive the prize for which God is calling us up to heaven because of what Christ Jesus did for us.” THAT is the challenge for you and for me. What is past is past. We can’t live there in our regrets. We can’t change any of that. But what we can do is live for Christ now –whether it turns out as we would have hoped or not.

      If the right man comes along, he will cherish your heart and your desire to live for the Lord despite your past. If he doesn’t, then he’s not the man for you. He doesn’t have the strength of character to be for you what God would want you to have in a bridegroom. In the meantime, never stop living for God, pressing on to be all He created you to be, and allow Christ Jesus to be your Bridegroom. I hope you will. I pray God gives you the strength to do so. You are my sister in Christ and I am proud of you. And God is too! And that’s what’s most important. You minister to HIS heart when you turn from sin and live for Him.

  3. Michael says:

    (CANADA) I have some further reflections (this is very much something that I often think about and am slowly working my way through):
    There’s a danger that I’ve noticed in myself – in thinking that my wife’s virginity is/was the ‘prize’ I should have received in marriage, instead of my wife herself. I really do not want to downplay and rationalize away the great harm that people do when they have sex outside marriage, especially with people who they don’t eventually marry (although I am also certain that people who do eventually marry but have premarital sex also harm themselves). Our virginity is the sign of the gift of ourselves that we give our spouse. When we give it to someone else who doesn’t deserve it (by making a full marital commitment to us), we tarnish the gift – to use another analogy, we ‘unwrap the gift’, and then hope that it won’t appear used when we eventually do give it to our spouse. When I look at how my wife’s teenage fornication has affected us over these many years, I see my own weakness to look through her actions and see her as the gift God intended for me – it’s very difficult, no doubt owing to my own sin, to look beyond her very specific sins that harmed me/her/us.

    There’s a thirst in me for justice – I want to confront the guy who did this. Yet, I know that she willingly chose that relationship and the actions that went with it, until she came to her senses (finally mustered her will-power) to forego all others until I came along. If she agreed to those actions, how can I hold him (who didn’t have any kind of faith formation) to a higher standard? I also fear that if we all just take the approach that all past sins should be (easily) forgiven, that we risk creating/fostering a culture where these sins remain prevalent. Kids should know, from an appropriately-young age, that their virginity is a unique expression of the gift of themselves to their spouses – and that to give it to someone else for any short-term, selfish reason will (should, at least) come back to haunt them. I don’t think that anyone should assume that a future spouse will automatically be able to let it go (after all, isn’t this exactly what our lazy, low-morality culture is asking of us? Don’t we want things to be different, and not just expect our loved ones to take responsibility for the pain of our sins?). Just some thoughts.

  4. Prosper says:

    (ZIMBABWE) I was in love with a certain girls for more than 7 years from high school. We had sex several times and I really loved the girl at that time. The problem is the parents did not approve of me as I drank beer. The girl seemed to love me, but was not so sure if it was pure love or the love of money as she was from a poor background.

    The way she liked sex also depicted the actions of a purely commercial sex worker. She never refused any time I wanted it. She later on dumped me for someone who was maybe better than me financially and education-wise. We had sex several times after the seperation until the new boyfriend suspected that there was something wrong. I got the phone numbers of the boyfriend and told him several times that the woman was a whore. I really feel bad about that as they later on got married. I wonder what the husband thinks about that now.

    I wish I could apologise to her. Right now I have strong feelings that if we meet we can still engage in sex and I know she will accept. What can I do, should I cut all communication with her?

    • Cindy Wright says:

      Prosper, You need to stay away from that woman. She is married –she is someone else’s, and temptation will be too easy to give into (as you’ve already acknowledged). I believe these “strong feelings” are given to you by God to tell you to “flee temptation” and to warn you not to go there. If you do, there could be GREAT regret and consequences on many levels. You are blessed that God did this for you. Don’t ignore His gift.

      We all go through times when those we were involved with in our past come to mind. We become curious about this or that. But curiosity can be a killer. I’ve seen it happen over and over and over again where those who are curious and those who want to revisit with lovers of the past “innocently” end up stirring up feelings and actions that can be and often are dangerous. I believe it’s best to say a prayer for them and put our mind on other matters, and move on. We’re told in Philippians 4:13-14 that it’s a good thing to forget “what is behind” and instead strain “toward what is ahead” to “press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called” us.

      With this woman, ask God for your forgiveness in what you did to her and ask Him to work on her to help to heal whatever hurt you have caused. God is VERY capable of doing that. He doesn’t need your help, unless He personally tells you to do this (which I would doubt because of the nature of your past together). If you contact her, not only would you be putting yourself in the way of temptation, you could complicate her life in other ways too. Personally, I wouldn’t want a past girlfriend of my husband’s to contact and meet with him to “apologize” for any reason. And this husband may very well feel the same. It would be better to pray for her and pray for her husband and let GOD work in both of their lives, and then you go in a different direction, living a pure life, being a “man after God’s own heart” –which truly IS your calling. I hope this helps, and I hope you will NOT contact this woman or go to a place where you could meet her. I pray God gives you the strength to let her live her life and you live yours.

  5. David from United States says:

    I am currently dating a Christian woman and we have both agreed that we will not be intimate before marriage. The problem is she says she’s having problems with that because she doesn’t want to be with someone that she’s not sexually compatible with. My take is that if we love each other then we already are compatible but she doesn’t agree. I don’t separate intimacy from love and so I’m now wondering if she’s the right one. Can someone shed some light on this? I care for her and actually love her. She has such a great heart and loves God but this scares me when she’s so worried about being sexually compatible. -David

    • Steve Wright from United States says:

      David, You have reason to be concerned. If you both “agreed” to not be intimate before marriage then that means you BOTH agreed to it. I’m assuming that decision was based on wanting to honor God. I believe she knows that having sex before marriage is what the Bible calls, “fornication” and that is what the Bible also calls sin. People who love God usually don’t intentionally go against His Word.

      Compatibility is important, but it is also learned over the course of time. No couple is completely compatible before marriage. It takes work – especially in the bedroom. Ask yourself this question: If you were to have an accident and become paralyzed before you got married, do you think she’d still want to marry you knowing there was NO WAY you’d ever be compatible in the bedroom?

      Take the time before the wedding to work on compatibility issues outside the bedroom (how to handle finances, in-law relationships, dealing with conflict in healthy ways, etc.) because while what happens in the bedroom is important – when you add up all the time you’ll be in there making love – it’s the smallest amount of time you’ll spend in your life together as a married couple.

      I want to strongly advise that the two of you get into some pre-marriage counseling to discuss the important topics like the ones I mentioned above because I can assure you they have the potential to sabotage your marriage if you don’t learn now how to deal with them in a God-honoring way.

  6. Kapil from India says:

    We have been married for 8 years now and have two children. We had an arranged marriage. When I got engaged with my wife, we came quite close and we used to talk quite freely. I asked her about her having any past relationships. Initially, she denied, but later she accepted that she had a boyfriend in office, but he was more of her friend and they broke of the relation completely a year back. I trusted her and we had very wonderful life.

    Now a month back one other colleague from her office joined the company where I am working. Unaware of who I am, he told me stories about my wife along with her ex bf. I was stunned to hear that. Same day, I asked my wife about it and told her colleague’s name. She actually fainted when I asked her about this.

    Later that night, she admitted to having a relationship with a guy for 2 years. She told that the used to have sex very regularly and during my intorrogation, I came to know that, there is nothing in terms of sex they have not done. Everything I asked, the answer was yes.

    She later tried to convince me a lot saying that, it was her mistake to give her body to that guy. He was not a good boy that’s why they broke off and all such excuses. I have also shown her that, I am convinced with her story and it is ok for me.

    But in the back of my mind, I am very badly hurt. I was a virgin before marriage and expected my wife to be the same or at least tell me the truth before marriage. I feel like, I have been fooled by a person whom I trusted most…

    Now every time we become intimate, I feel nervous and imagine that she has already done this with the other man first and I am second to have this experience. In my dreams, I see the guy laughing at me for having a used woman as my spouse.

    I am not able to overcome the thoughts of being number 2… I feel insulted. I can’t concentrate on work or on my family life. Please help me God!

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