Haunted by Premarital Sex

Photo by FrameAngel, courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Photo by FrameAngel, of FreeDigitalPhotos.net

They talk a lot about using “protection” when you have sexual relations with someone (other than your spouse). But as someone (unknown) once said,

“There is no condom for the brain or the heart. So when you have sex before marriage you’re playing with fire that will most likely burn you at some point in your life… especially in your marriage relationship.”

And tragically a lot of couples are finding this to be true. How do you erase the memories you have of having sex with someone else and stop playing “the comparison game” when you are making love with your spouse? And how do you deal with the guilt when you realize that you have violated God’s standards?

When you confess and ask the Lord for forgiveness, God is faithful and just to forgive us and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness, but then there’s the matter of forgiving yourself and moving on in life past it. Premarital sex is sin and sin causes problems.

As Brian and Heather Jamison said,

“Premarital sex wounds the sanctity of a heart and, left untreated, can scar a marriage for a lifetime. We speak from experience; our relationship began with a fall. And we have the scars to prove it.”

To gain insight from what Brian and Heather have learned that helped them to deal with this issue, plus the “Four Keys to Reclaiming Intimacy” that the Jamison’s pass along, please read:


“True, you can’t get your virginity back —you’ll never be the person you once were. You can, however, be stronger and wiser than you were before – and more able to resist what you know is wrong.”

The above statement came from Laurel L Cornell, who knows only too well, how a person can be haunted with memories and thoughts after having had sex before marriage. But as she says, you can become wiser than before, and stronger than you probably ever could imagine at this time.

She wrote an article that is posted on the Growthtrac.com web site that addresses those who are married and those who are not yet married —to women who want to feel clean again and not plagued by feelings and images of the past they want to forget. We encourage you to read:


Below is a link to a related article written by Christie Mohamed, posted on her blog web site, Beauty Through Ashes. She is a young gal who gives hope to those who have done things they regret now regret, and insight into a good way to deal with it and experience freedom and forgiveness. Please read:


I know this is a lot to take in, as far as all of the reading I’m recommending you do, but please know that this is a journey you are on —one that is different for everyone who has had to deal with this issue. I’m hoping that as you read you will glean from each article some things that God is speaking to you —that you will gain some “ah hah moments” where you’ll think, “I never thought of that before… that really helps.”

So, on this journey there is another article that Sheila Wray Gregoire wrote that I believe you will find helpful. She brings in some scriptures that you may not have thought of before and how they pertain to your situation. The important thing is that you don’t get stuck in sin —continuing to do that, which you know is wrong. And also that you don’t get stuck in regrets. They will paralyze you in ways that will cause you NOT to grow but go backwards in your spiritual growth.

To learn a bit more on this please read:


For those of you who are not married, here is something written by Dr Greg and Michael Smalley that is posted on the Growthtrac.com web site that you may find helpful to read:


This article is written by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International.

If you have additional tips you can share to help others in this area of marriage, or you want to share request for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.


Filed under: Sex Before Marriage Sexual Issues

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138 responses to “Haunted by Premarital Sex

  1. (USA) I have been celibate for the past few years, and me and this young man have been dating over a year. I have been in prayer and fasting regarding our relationship and we have manage to keep God in it from the beginning. Everything has been beautiful up to this point God has been teaching me how to be a wife, how to handle him and how to also pray for him.

    Over the course of the year we have not had an impure conversation and when temptation presented itself we manage to get away from each other to keep the relationship pure. I give God all the glory because everything that I have seen him do in our relationship has all been a God doing. And without a shadow of a doubt I know God put us together. Just recently we had sex. There is not a word on the planet that I could use to describe how I felt. I felt like dying because of how I could do such a thing to God. How could God use me for His kingdom?

    Part 2 of this is not knowing if God would still allow us to get married and have a successful marriage. We repented and vowed that we wouldn’t have sex until we’re married. I just feel horrible because everything was so beautiful and now it’s tainted. I know that God is all powerful and we could never begin to understand His ways and he could change this whole situation around if He wanted to. But at the end of the day the decision is His. I’m just having a hard time forgiving myself for shaming God. I let him down and Victory was at the door and I didn’t make it and it left me feeling like a failure. More so because so many people have been watching me and my walk with God because I’m a leader and now I’ve stumbled.

    One thing I will say even after the incident, God gave me peace. All I could do was weep because I thought God gave me peace in the midst of all my mess. I would like to know if anyone has gone through what I’ve been through and did God restore the relationship, use it for His Glory and did you eventually marry your spouse? I feel like I’m alone. Please seek guidance from the Holy Spirit before responding. I’m in a very low place and do not wish to hear any worldly comments.

    1. (RWANDA) My dear Ann, Praise the Lord Jesus! The same happened to a very closed person. She definitely married the person she was in love with and have 3 beautiful children with him (6 yrs, 3yrs and 6 months) now.

      She also struggled to forgive herself but managed to do so because it is the devil trick to make someone feel so bad about themselves while God has already forgiven or wiped/deleted their sins. Remember once God forgives you, he in fact forget your mistake as if it has never happened. Just believe it has never happens and it is God plan and stumbling is not falling down. You know now by experience that there are rocks on the way so you will be careful not to stumble again.

      God will give you joy on top of peace and trust him to give you a beautiful marriage and long years to serve him faithfully. God bless you.

      1. (USA) Thank you Esther for your sweet words. Yes, the devil has been beating me up since the incident took place and I allowed him to because I felt like I deserved it. I’ve been in the bed not wanting to get out just constantly crying out to God. It hurts so bad and I can’t seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Even now as I’m typing my eyes are flooding. I’ve just been so much over the past few years and my walk with God has been so good. I’ve obtained victory in many areas of my life and I felt heaven rejoiced when my faith withstood the trial.

        I’ve watched the enemy attack my relationship with this man and God showed me the power of prayer and God perform miraculous things in our lives. Now I feel that every purpose, promise, and plan that God had for my life like it won’t come to pass. Everyday the enemy plants thoughts like, “because you did this your marriage will be that, and all these great things God called you to do won’t happen and you miss your breakthrough; now God won’t prosper you. You’re not the Christian you thought you were, now look at you.”

        All I wanted was for God to use me; I wanted Him to get all the Glory and it’s my fault because I wasn’t prayed up enough, I should have walked away like times before. This time it felt like my spirit departed from my body because the flesh completely took over. I just have a lot of praying to do.

    2. Hello Ann, my girl and I have been having worship every day and night. Now we are both 18 and I’m in my first year of college and she in her last year of high school. We have had multiple talks and fights about this situation simply because every weekend when I come home, we end up having sex. We almost reached a month! But that ended just recently. I can tell you first hand that it is a struggle for us and we feel horrible about our actions just like you. In the Bible, God says that he doesn’t like lukewarm people. When we have worship during the week, and on the weekends have sex, we feel as if we play God. We don’t like it at all. Yes, we may be young but we are gonna get married next summer before I go to military.

      All I can say to you, is to keep your head up. Never down. Make sure that when you make a stand for celibacy again, make sure you stand tall. Because if you don’t, then you will surely fall. God bless you.

    3. How can you shame GOD? God is aware this will happen. I see you are a devotional person. You are looking at God in one aspect only. I mean, he is God; limitless father. He accepts us as we are – humans – a living breathing soul. HE ACCEPTS you as father, not as a sinner. As a daughter, living soul who needs love that’s why daughter get married .

      For God you were a young girl who did so much in a relationship and waited for the right moment to earn respect of your date, feared elderly, gave respect to your partner, kind at heart and didn’t repeat which hurt feelings. God is proud of you .This is the respect of a father towards his daughter. This is the reason why he is with you. Don’t over think or over do it or the devil will trick you with unnecessary shame which will start low self esteem and later you will loose interest in life, causing not living your life which is given by God. You are aGOOD GIRL. TAKE GOD AS A FATHER not as a judge who believes on evidence and pass verdict. This remorse that you shamed God is itself a sin. You need to understand God’s ways and beg him to teach you.

      I had a “tooth for tooth, eye for eye” childhood. I’m 6’2 tall, strong guy. Every one believes that I’m a sinner. Later I believed in God’s existence and believed in miracles and that the world will never see crime later on. I developed a feeling that I needed to use my strength for better purposes. I am still a police informer, who can tear someone down. So God took me as a strong child and he forgave me and corrected my path. Now I’m strong guy with good purpose in life earning his means not just praying for miracles. I have accepted my past my past but I will not let someone judge me. I know my limits and strength. I believe this is the correct path for you, too.

  2. (UGANDA) Hi, recently I have been feeling so much guilt about my past. I slept with so many men I even lost count or I don’t wanna count. I was saved but would backslide. About 6 years ago I recommitted my life to Christ and started walking in sexual purity. I met a good man who I told that I would not have sex with him until marriage. He left saying that he cannot wait for me. I have the desire to live for God but when that man left me it was painful. However, I still choose to live for Christ anyway.

    The problem is I wish I had not lost my virginity. I wish I had kept myself pure. Maybe this man would not have left me if I were a virgin who wants to wait until marriage. I believe that God forgave me but sometimes I wonder which man would want to wait for a girl who is not a virgin? I just pray I meet him but the guilt is sooooo heavy on me lately. I am 36 but I fantasize how it would have been if I were a virgin, but I cannot turn the clock back.

    I have truly learnt that nothing good comes out of disobeying God. I have tried to forgive myself but it seems hard. I have prayed but don’t feel better. Someone please counsel me. Thanks.

    1. Jackie, I well understand regrets. Oh, if we could only turn back the hands of time with the knowledge of what we know now. But we can’t. All we can do is live our lives NOW so that we don’t live with additional regrets later.

      Jackie, please let me clear something up. This “good man” was not so good. He didn’t cherish you. He was more concerned about his sexual needs than he was about piling more regrets upon you later –too bad for your feelings, as long as he’s satisfied sexually. What does that tell you about the future and the importance he will hold in satisfying his own needs over yours? That’s not a good man –it’s a self-centered one. He’s also not a man after God’s heart. He showed you that he cares more about his needs, than what God wants for you and for him. He does not have good spiritual integrity or moral integrity. No matter what your past is, if this was a good man, he would look at the standards you are now holding true to, and would admire that, rather than leave you with a broken heart. I’m SO sorry that he did this to you and put you into this confusion. That’s from the enemy of our faith. God doesn’t hold your past against you and loves you all the more for your present standards.

      Please, please, please release him as best you can from your mind. Work hard on it. All that you think he could have been for you –quit nursing it and rehearsing it, release it every time it and he comes to mind. He isn’t worth it. I can easily predict that he would have brought you more eventual heartache than you have now. He didn’t cherish you and as a result, he would probably trash you and your feelings in the future.

      As for the “what if’s” …you can drive yourself crazy with that. That’s another spirit crusher. And it will keep you prisoner every time you entertain those thoughts in your mind. You’ve GOT to keep throwing those thoughts out before they even have a chance to grab hold. When they first pop into your mind, throw them out as junk mail. If you have to throw them out a hundred times in 5 minutes, do so until they stay out. Jesus did that when tempted, and so should you. We’re told in God’s Word that we are to “destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God and take every thought captive to obey Christ.” (2 Corinthians 10:8 ESV)

      Find something else more worthy to put into your mind in substitute, to think about, after you throw the garbage thoughts out. In Philippians 4:8-9 (my life verses) we’re told “Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable –if anything is excellent or praiseworthy –think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me –put it into practice, and the God of peace will be with you.” God’s peace DOES come as we do this, guaranteed!

      And lastly, keep in mind that most of us have things that we regret BIG TIME! Think of the Apostle Paul… he beat Christians up and was responsible for killing Steven and such. He horribly persecuted God’s people. You talk about big regrets! But we can take note of his life. He didn’t allow his past transgressions and the “if only’s” to drag him away from doing God’s present will. He pressed on. And you need to do that too. Paul, through the inspiration of God wrote the following testimony of his life and the challenge to ours: “Not that I’ve already obtained this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: FORGETTING WHAT IS BEHIND and STRAINING TOWARD what is ahead I PRESS ON toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ.” (Philippians 3:12-14)

      I love how the Living Bible has it phrased, “I don’t mean to say I am perfect. I haven’t learned all I should even yet, but I keep working toward that day when I will finally be all that Christ saved me for and wants me to be. No, I am still not all I should be, but I am bringing all my energies to bear on this one thing: forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I strain to reach the end of the race and receive the prize for which God is calling us up to heaven because of what Christ Jesus did for us.” THAT is the challenge for you and for me. What is past is past. We can’t live there in our regrets. We can’t change any of that. But what we can do is live for Christ now –whether it turns out as we would have hoped or not.

      If the right man comes along, he will cherish your heart and your desire to live for the Lord despite your past. If he doesn’t, then he’s not the man for you. He doesn’t have the strength of character to be for you what God would want you to have in a bridegroom. In the meantime, never stop living for God, pressing on to be all He created you to be, and allow Christ Jesus to be your Bridegroom. I hope you will. I pray God gives you the strength to do so. You are my sister in Christ and I am proud of you. And God is too! And that’s what’s most important. You minister to HIS heart when you turn from sin and live for Him.

      1. (Philippines) I have read what you said and it gives me hope. Now a little background of my disobedience: I am a pastors daughter and I grew up in church.nAs a pastors daughter people would expect that I am always on the good path and not stubborn, not easily influenced by unchristian living. But they were wrong. I am easily influenced by these worldly things. And one time there was this man that came to me who was not christian at all but I easily fell in love with him. I am two years older than him; that’s why it’s my job to always understand him. Until we came up with sex unexpected.

        The devil has pushed us to that situation and it was easy for the devil because I have no permanent praying and reading of bible. I was cold as ice in my faith in GOD. After that I regret what happend and a voice always saying in my mind that I am not virgin anymore. I am still in this situation right now and I can’t control my mind, even when I am praying. I know this would help but it takes a lot of time before healing. I don’t know what to do in my life. I don’t want to open this up to my mother because I know this would hurt her. I want to keep this from her. I felt guilty in disobeying God and her. Now I I don’t know how to tell this to my boyfriend because he woukd not understand. I am so devastated and depressed. I think this would ruin my whole life. I need prayer from you guys. I have this feeling that no Christian man would love me anymore.

        1. I’ll be praying for you. I lost my virginity too and it broke my world because the shame won’t go away. I’m a praise and worship leader but to think that my ex and I had sex, was unbearable.

          I’ve always been noted for being a good girl, a good example to the young people coz my ex was my 1st boyfriend and I was a college graduate at that time… now, God removed him from my life. A few people who are close to me knew my situation and prayed for me. I repented so much for 1 month. I cried every night and everytime I look at the mirror, I always tell myself this is the woman that Christ died for. We are free. It has been all paid… keep the faith burning and keep seeking Christ!! We will all find healing in His presence.

        2. We are not to judge. Love doesn’t keep any record of wrong. You made a mistake as human and we’re not subject to perfection. Just pray you don’t fall in the same pit again. Remember it takes a long time to build a reputation, but only 5 minutes to ruin it all together. If we all could have this in our minds, we’d do things differently. For God has only good plans for all of us, not to harm us. God be with you.

    2. Hey… to lighten you up… I’m 22 and a virgin and I’ve had plenty of men walk away from me because I’m waiting. So be encouraged. It had nothing to do with who you are, but it had everything to do with what that guy wasn’t. Be blessed sis.

      1. I love this Shabreka. What a gem you are! You are so right about it not being who you are, but who the other guy isn’t. If he won’t honor a woman’s heart before marriage –a woman who has made such an important, sacrificial decision, then he probably won’t cherish and guard her heart after they marry. If it’s all about him before marriage, then it’s sure to be all about him afterward too. Thanks for sharing this encouragement.

  3. (CANADA) I have some further reflections (this is very much something that I often think about and am slowly working my way through):
    There’s a danger that I’ve noticed in myself – in thinking that my wife’s virginity is/was the ‘prize’ I should have received in marriage, instead of my wife herself. I really do not want to downplay and rationalize away the great harm that people do when they have sex outside marriage, especially with people who they don’t eventually marry (although I am also certain that people who do eventually marry but have premarital sex also harm themselves). Our virginity is the sign of the gift of ourselves that we give our spouse. When we give it to someone else who doesn’t deserve it (by making a full marital commitment to us), we tarnish the gift – to use another analogy, we ‘unwrap the gift’, and then hope that it won’t appear used when we eventually do give it to our spouse. When I look at how my wife’s teenage fornication has affected us over these many years, I see my own weakness to look through her actions and see her as the gift God intended for me – it’s very difficult, no doubt owing to my own sin, to look beyond her very specific sins that harmed me/her/us.

    There’s a thirst in me for justice – I want to confront the guy who did this. Yet, I know that she willingly chose that relationship and the actions that went with it, until she came to her senses (finally mustered her will-power) to forego all others until I came along. If she agreed to those actions, how can I hold him (who didn’t have any kind of faith formation) to a higher standard? I also fear that if we all just take the approach that all past sins should be (easily) forgiven, that we risk creating/fostering a culture where these sins remain prevalent. Kids should know, from an appropriately-young age, that their virginity is a unique expression of the gift of themselves to their spouses – and that to give it to someone else for any short-term, selfish reason will (should, at least) come back to haunt them. I don’t think that anyone should assume that a future spouse will automatically be able to let it go (after all, isn’t this exactly what our lazy, low-morality culture is asking of us? Don’t we want things to be different, and not just expect our loved ones to take responsibility for the pain of our sins?). Just some thoughts.

  4. (ZIMBABWE) I was in love with a certain girls for more than 7 years from high school. We had sex several times and I really loved the girl at that time. The problem is the parents did not approve of me as I drank beer. The girl seemed to love me, but was not so sure if it was pure love or the love of money as she was from a poor background.

    The way she liked sex also depicted the actions of a purely commercial sex worker. She never refused any time I wanted it. She later on dumped me for someone who was maybe better than me financially and education-wise. We had sex several times after the seperation until the new boyfriend suspected that there was something wrong. I got the phone numbers of the boyfriend and told him several times that the woman was a whore. I really feel bad about that as they later on got married. I wonder what the husband thinks about that now.

    I wish I could apologise to her. Right now I have strong feelings that if we meet we can still engage in sex and I know she will accept. What can I do, should I cut all communication with her?

    1. Prosper, You need to stay away from that woman. She is married –she is someone else’s, and temptation will be too easy to give into (as you’ve already acknowledged). I believe these “strong feelings” are given to you by God to tell you to “flee temptation” and to warn you not to go there. If you do, there could be GREAT regret and consequences on many levels. You are blessed that God did this for you. Don’t ignore His gift.

      We all go through times when those we were involved with in our past come to mind. We become curious about this or that. But curiosity can be a killer. I’ve seen it happen over and over and over again where those who are curious and those who want to revisit with lovers of the past “innocently” end up stirring up feelings and actions that can be and often are dangerous. I believe it’s best to say a prayer for them and put our mind on other matters, and move on. We’re told in Philippians 4:13-14 that it’s a good thing to forget “what is behind” and instead strain “toward what is ahead” to “press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called” us.

      With this woman, ask God for your forgiveness in what you did to her and ask Him to work on her to help to heal whatever hurt you have caused. God is VERY capable of doing that. He doesn’t need your help, unless He personally tells you to do this (which I would doubt because of the nature of your past together). If you contact her, not only would you be putting yourself in the way of temptation, you could complicate her life in other ways too. Personally, I wouldn’t want a past girlfriend of my husband’s to contact and meet with him to “apologize” for any reason. And this husband may very well feel the same. It would be better to pray for her and pray for her husband and let GOD work in both of their lives, and then you go in a different direction, living a pure life, being a “man after God’s own heart” –which truly IS your calling. I hope this helps, and I hope you will NOT contact this woman or go to a place where you could meet her. I pray God gives you the strength to let her live her life and you live yours.

  5. I am currently dating a Christian woman and we have both agreed that we will not be intimate before marriage. The problem is she says she’s having problems with that because she doesn’t want to be with someone that she’s not sexually compatible with. My take is that if we love each other then we already are compatible but she doesn’t agree. I don’t separate intimacy from love and so I’m now wondering if she’s the right one. Can someone shed some light on this? I care for her and actually love her. She has such a great heart and loves God but this scares me when she’s so worried about being sexually compatible. -David

    1. David, You have reason to be concerned. If you both “agreed” to not be intimate before marriage then that means you BOTH agreed to it. I’m assuming that decision was based on wanting to honor God. I believe she knows that having sex before marriage is what the Bible calls, “fornication” and that is what the Bible also calls sin. People who love God usually don’t intentionally go against His Word.

      Compatibility is important, but it is also learned over the course of time. No couple is completely compatible before marriage. It takes work – especially in the bedroom. Ask yourself this question: If you were to have an accident and become paralyzed before you got married, do you think she’d still want to marry you knowing there was NO WAY you’d ever be compatible in the bedroom?

      Take the time before the wedding to work on compatibility issues outside the bedroom (how to handle finances, in-law relationships, dealing with conflict in healthy ways, etc.) because while what happens in the bedroom is important – when you add up all the time you’ll be in there making love – it’s the smallest amount of time you’ll spend in your life together as a married couple.

      I want to strongly advise that the two of you get into some pre-marriage counseling to discuss the important topics like the ones I mentioned above because I can assure you they have the potential to sabotage your marriage if you don’t learn now how to deal with them in a God-honoring way.

  6. We have been married for 8 years now and have two children. We had an arranged marriage. When I got engaged with my wife, we came quite close and we used to talk quite freely. I asked her about her having any past relationships. Initially, she denied, but later she accepted that she had a boyfriend in office, but he was more of her friend and they broke of the relation completely a year back. I trusted her and we had very wonderful life.

    Now a month back one other colleague from her office joined the company where I am working. Unaware of who I am, he told me stories about my wife along with her ex bf. I was stunned to hear that. Same day, I asked my wife about it and told her colleague’s name. She actually fainted when I asked her about this.

    Later that night, she admitted to having a relationship with a guy for 2 years. She told that the used to have sex very regularly and during my intorrogation, I came to know that, there is nothing in terms of sex they have not done. Everything I asked, the answer was yes.

    She later tried to convince me a lot saying that, it was her mistake to give her body to that guy. He was not a good boy that’s why they broke off and all such excuses. I have also shown her that, I am convinced with her story and it is ok for me.

    But in the back of my mind, I am very badly hurt. I was a virgin before marriage and expected my wife to be the same or at least tell me the truth before marriage. I feel like, I have been fooled by a person whom I trusted most…

    Now every time we become intimate, I feel nervous and imagine that she has already done this with the other man first and I am second to have this experience. In my dreams, I see the guy laughing at me for having a used woman as my spouse.

    I am not able to overcome the thoughts of being number 2… I feel insulted. I can’t concentrate on work or on my family life. Please help me God!

  7. I’ve been experiencing one of the most terrible situation ever in my life. I feel embarrassed to share this. I shamed God, and disobeyed God. This is too hard for me. I really need your prayer and advice. Thank you. Well, this is how it goes. As we are human beings, there are times we cannot escape from the temptation. I’ve been growing up as a good boy since my childhood through my parents guidance. (My parents eloped, they didn’t get married.) So as and eldest son of the family they want me to have a Holy marriage. My parents keep on teaching me, “don’t let the devil overcome you with sexual things until you get married.” They told me to stay away from girls, otherwise I might fall into temptation. And I did follow their instructions.

    After many years now, I’m away from my parents to earn for myself. Now here is the temptation: I stay with a cousin’s brother. Through him, I came to stay with his cousin’s sister again. (She is a married woman who got divorced from her husband a few years back.) She is much, much older than me. Well, we three of us slept together like brothers and sisters. I felt nothing for her. After a few months she started to like me. She said, I’ve been honest, and faithful with everything. After that she said she started to love me and started to hug me while sleeping. Weird things happened; she started to kiss me. I then avoided her. After few days, I allowed her to kiss me, which is stupid and foolish of me.

    Days passed by like that, and she started touching my body and getting me to have sexual feelings. I began to avoid her. But after a while, I couldn’t avoid her anymore. When she started to smooch, I got high. I then had sex with her, even though she is not my girlfriend or wife. I didn’t love her with such feelings, but as my sister. I’ve been very stupid.

    Now I feel like, Oh My God, what have I done? Help me!! I didn’t want to do this. Please know that. Now I’m so scared of what God might do to me. I began thinking of what my parents reactions would be if they came to know about this after having such a great future hope on me. I feel like crying but tears won’t come out. Now I don’t know what to do, what to say. I have no peace in my life. Tension is all over my mind. I can’t even work in the office peacefully. My mind is getting so dull. Please help me. How can I get relief?

    *Lastly, I want to post some questions. Please answer me without hesitation:
    – Will God ever forgive me for this mistake?
    -As I came across some articles of which I can regain my virginity and purity, can I still fulfill my parent’s hope on marriage after making such mistakes (after regaining purity)? If so, how can I regain it?

    I heard God punishes those getting married after they have sex before marriage; I’m afraid. And also, it doesn’t meant that I am going to marry that girl because she’s just a sister to me. And also she just wanted to have sex with me, not as a boyfriend or such. I’ve been very very stupid. And also she said I can marry any girl I like. Sometimes it makes me confused a lot when I broke my own hope.

    -Can I really live a beautiful and blessed life ever after marrying another girl?
    If not, I am getting scared day by day thinking God is gonna punish me.

    Please advice. And I really need your prayer. Thank you for reading. God bless you.

    1. Seth, You are at a crossroads in your life and your spiritual walk with Christ. You have realized that your actions were sinful; you’re remorseful for your behavior, and you’re compelled to make things “right” and to live a righteous life going forward. I believe you understand you allowed yourself to be in the place that set yourself up to fall into sexual temptation, first, and then sexual sin, second. You see temptation isn’t sin. It’s when we give into the temptation that sin occurs. Let’s face it, if you had never gotten in bed with those women this would never have happened. And I hope you’ve learned a valuable lesson – one that will never be repeated again.

      Seth, I can assure you that if you came to God through Jesus Christ asking for His forgiveness -HE HAS FORGIVEN YOU! The guilt you continue to feel is what the enemy of our faith tries to heap on us to get us believe that God “could never forgive a sin like that.” Remember, Satan is a deceiver and a liar. The Bible is very clear that if we confess our sin God is faithful and just to forgive us and cleanse us from ALL unrighteousness (1 John 1:9). Notice it doesn’t say “some” unrighteousness, but “all” unrighteousness. God doesn’t place any conditions on what kinds of sin He forgives us of. Something else Scripture teaches us is that once we’ve confessed our sin to God and He’s forgiven us -He forgets it. (See Isaiah 43:25)

      We have to remember that as humans we will sin -it’s part of our nature. That’s why God gave us a Savior (Jesus Christ); because He knew we could never go through this life and live it in a way where we would be free of all sin and be able to get into heaven. Without Christ we would be doomed (even damned) to live a life of unforgiveness. But it gets better. Not only does Christ forgive, but He also gives us the power to turn from our sin and to live victoriously. And then, if we do slip-up and sin again, He’s right there to forgive us again and help us start all over again.

      Another step for you, Seth, may be to go to the woman you had sex with and ask for her forgiveness. God may be prompting you to take this step in order to really seal it in your mind the damage pre-marital sex can have in a persons life. If you do this, don’t go expecting her to also ask your forgiveness. It would be wonderful if she did, but don’t expect it. All you can do is ask her for forgiveness for the part you played in this act.

      Yes, you can live a life of secondary virginity and you CAN remain pure until your wedding night, but it’s going to be up to you to set boundaries so that you don’t ever fall into the sexual traps the enemy will lay out for you. You can find some very helpful articles on our web site to prepare yourself for this battle. Go into the “Sex Before Marriage” topic and read the articles that can help you establish proper boundaries. Then, go into the Links and Resources in that topic and you’ll see a web site called, apuregeneration.com/blog, which is for young people like yourself to help you stay pure. Also, Boundaries.org is a good one for all aspects of single life, including purity.

      You can also find some helpful articles and resource links in the topic, “Single Yet Preparing.” This topic can help you find the answers to your question, “Can I really live a beautiful and blessed life after marrying another girl?” The answer is simple: YES! But, it will take a lot of work, both in preparing for marriage and then after the wedding.

      As for your parents, it is not imperative to confess this to them. But be prepared, as they may find out. If they do that’s when you can tell them that this has forever changed you in that you have become painfully aware of your own sinful nature and that you have confessed your sin to God asking His forgiveness. Beyond that, say that you have asked Jesus to help you to never fall into that temptation again and your are doing things/putting things in place in your life so that you won’t fall victim to Satan’s temptation again.

      Seth, you have tasted the pleasures of sex, and as a man it will be extremely difficult for you to put that behind you and live a life of secondary virginity. Please, please, please don’t ever allow yourself to even get “close to the line” of being tempted to do it again. Build your defenses NOW. Set your boundaries NOW. You know your weak areas, so make up your mind that you will stay pure, no matter what temptation comes your way. If you have a way to get the book, Every Man’s Battle written by Steve Arterburn and Fred Stoeker, by all means get it and read it. I’m not sure what resources are available to you in India. It is probably available at Amazon where you could download it to a Kindle or Tablet.

      I’m praying for great victory in your life so that 10 years from now you will be able to look back and have the testimony of what God has done in your life to be a man of integrity. Blessings! ~Steve Wright

      1. Dear Steve, Thank you. Thank you so much for the encouraging words. Yes, that was all my fault. Caring but disobeying my parents. Now God has really open my eyes which makes my mind and hearts full of fears thinking of what He’s really gonna do to me. But I prayed for forgiveness still. And I will still continue to pray. I really do believe that He will surely forgive me.

        Again, I really don’t know how to express this feelings of happiness when I read those encouraging words. But Steve, you are the one that God has send to teach me. May God bless you more in your life. I am gonna be stronger and wiser because of all your prayer. And do continue to help people more. And also I want to pass on this message of yours in the days to come.

        Once again, thank you Cindy. Thank you Steve. Thank you all very much. This is all I can say. Please do continue to pray for me. And Like as you say, one day I will surely share the testimony of God’s blessings after all this struggle. May God bless you all. ~Seth

        1. Thanks Seth, We really appreciate your affirmation. We pray the Lord guides you, helps you to save yourself from this day forward for your future wife, and blesses you as you look to Him to continually guide you.

        2. You need to be prepared to accept rejection from someone you love who is a virgin and cannot accept your past. This has nothing to do with her willingness to forgive; she is simply NOT obliged to bear YOUR pain and YOUR sin. If you ever come across this situation, accept that you don’t deserve her love and wish her well.

    2. Hi Seth. This is Carol from Kenya. I read your story and felt for you so much. What you have is guilt feelings. You feel you let down your parents and how you were socialized. That always has an impact on anyone, more so a Christian. You have an overwhelming fear of God punishing you. That isn’t the case. God forgives but humans never forget. Start with trusting God to help you forgive yourself. That woman only wanted to use you to satisfy herself, which is selfish. You should never sleep in a bed with a woman who isn’t your wife because the flesh is weak. There will be someone to love you unconditionally. Just be open and pray about God’s leadership. He alone can help you to forgive yourself. Never give up. Godspeed to you.

  8. I am 17 years old. I think I have made a worst decision in my whole life. The one I regret the most. The temptation was too great and I fell for it. I can’t believe I did this. I just think that I was saved 3 years ago. I need help now turning back to God and facing what I have done. Also, I need help now to convince my girlfriend to turn to God. Please help me.

    1. Hi, Jake. I am so glad you reached out and found our web site and left this post. I know what you’re going through – guilt, shame, and the feeling there is no way God could ever forgive you and restore you because of what you’ve done. The first thing I want you to know is that those thoughts are lies that come from the devil. Satan’s sole purpose is to keep you from reaching out to God for forgiveness and restoration…he knows that if he can keep you from going to God for help he can keep you from having a testimony of the complete healing and forgiveness that God wants to give you through Jesus.

      There isn’t anything we can do that God isn’t willing to forgive. Yes, you sinned, but we are ALL sinners. But the fact that you sought out help on the Internet and came to this article shows that your heart is still tender and you are searching for grace and mercy. I can assure you that all God wants from you is for you to confess your sin to Him and be willing to turn from it and as it says in 1 John 1:9, “…He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to purify us from all unrighteousness.” Notice there are no “conditions” placed on what He forgives. It doesn’t say, “I will purify them from everything but sexual sin…” It says ALL UNRIGHTEOUSNESS.

      I suggest you spend some time with your Bible and either look in the concordance in the back of your Bible or look up the terms “mercy,” “grace,” and “forgiveness” on the Internet and start reading all the verses in the Bible that talk about those precious gifts God gives to us over, and over, and over, and over, and over…AGAIN. We can never exhaust His forgiveness.

      I also suggest when you have settled this with God you write in the margin of your Bible next to the passage 1 John 1:9 the date and time you asked God and then proclaim “I accept your gift of forgiveness Lord! And with you’re help I will never allow myself to fall into this sin again!” When you write it there it will always serve as a reminder of what God did and what you did. Then, when satan tries to get you to believe that God didn’t forgive you, open your Bible and read the verse out loud and tell the devil to “Be gone in the name of Jesus whose blood cleansed me from my sin and helps me every day to live my life in purity.” The devil hates the blood of Christ and will flee.

      The next thing you need to do is go to the girl and ask for her forgiveness. Tell her about your relationship with God and what you have done to get His forgiveness and take a pledge of purity. She may not be able to accept that. It is NOT your job to convince her; but it is your job to share with her what you have done to rectify the wrong you committed.

      You also need to find a youth pastor (if you don’t already have one) whom you trust that you can share honestly with him what happened and what you have done to make things right with God. But you need someone who can hold you accountable and can challenge you in your study of the Bible to make it the platform you build your life on because it is the only foundation that is sure and steady that you can depend on.

      I would also like to challenge you to maybe start/lead a Bible study on “Teen Purity” or “Sexual Purity” with a group of your peers who are also Christ followers like yourself. I Googled Teen Purity and found there are a number of Bible studies already available in a free download. If nothing else, download and go through it yourself because I can promise you the temptation WILL come again. And if you don’t know why you shouldn’t give in BEFORE the temptation comes, you will have a hard time not giving in – again.

      Jake, don’t wait! Go to God now so you don’t have to live one more second in guilt and shame. But then, do your part to correct the wrong and to strengthen yourself through God’s word to prepare yourself for the testing and trials that will come in the future.

      Lastly, I want to remind you that trials and temptations do come from the devil…BUT…rather than fear them look at them as something God has allowed as a way to develop greater character and to demonstrate that “His power is greater than any temptation that can come your way…and that He will provide a way of escape.”

      Blessings to you, my young brother in Christ! May this be the day, the hour and the moment when you fully surrender that area of your life where you know you are the weakest and just watch what God can do through you! -Steve Wright, Marriage Missions

  9. Hi, I have recently been struggling in my thought life recently. My girlfriend, who I expect to marry, did not save sex for marriage. She was going through a very rough time in her life. I have empathy and compassion for her and I show her a love that Christ has shown me. We have stumbled before and she claims that I’m the best that she has ever had. Something inside of me tells me that I’m still not good enough. She has slept with 10+ people, often under the influence of drugs and alcohol.

    I understand that she cannot change her past. I was hoping to get advice to how I personally can heal knowing that she has a past and how I can feel that she really wants to be with me and not any other guy. I have a hard time believing it when she says it. I was also hoping that I could get advice that I could share with her in helping her heal from her past. I have forgiven her over and over. I’m not mad at her even a bit, but I feel upset and hurt that she didn’t wait for me. She can become mad at herself sometimes but we both do not want her past to come between our relationship. Thank you for your time and I will really appreciate any advice that I can get. I want to feel like I’m enough for her along with being healed in this area for the both of us. Thank you.

  10. Hi, I have recently been struggling in my thought life. My girlfriend, who I expect to marry, did not save sex for marriage, she was going through a very rough time in her life. I have empathy and compassion for her and I show her a love that Christ has shown me. We have stumbled before and she claims that I am the best that she has ever had. Something inside of me tells me that I am still not good enough, she has slept with 10+ people, often under the influence of drugs and alcohol. I understand that she can not change her past. I was hoping to get advice to how I personally can heal knowing that she has a past and how I can feel that she really wants to be with me and not any other guy, I have a hard time believing it when she says it. I was also hoping that I could get advice that I could share with her in helping her heal from her past. I have forgiven her over and over, I am not mad at her even a bit, but I feel upset and hurt that she didn’t wait for me. She can become mad at herself sometimes but we both do not want her past to come between our relationship. Thank you for your time and I will really appreciate any advice that I can get. I want to feel like I am enough for her along with being healed in this area for the both of us. Thank you.

  11. Thanks for this article. I’ve just come out of a relationship where I was naive, and was taken advantage of, sexually. The last month I’ve been plagued with memories of our encounters. I have confessed to our amazing God, who I know has forgiven me. I have felt so weak. Your article has given me light and I again come humbly before Jesus confessing these memories.

  12. After reading your article and spending time with the Lord today, laying down the deeds, thoughts and memories of this relationship, with many tears… I look back in thankfulness where the Lord moved to protect me. I’m thankful that this relationship/affair wasn’t consummated (there are reasons, which I won’t divulge).

    I know now why the Lord has said to keep the fleshly desires of the heart in check, for they can destroy… He has lead me through a time of grace. The relationship ended with physical bruises, as well as emotional scars… A phrase that has been echoing through my heart “He has traded beauty for ashes.”

  13. I have a big problem and no matter how I try it keeps eating me up. I was a Christian who upheld her Christian values since childhood. In fact I was a good girl and refrained from all sexual immortalities. Then I started dating. I kept it clean from scratch but my boyfriend was really naughty and I started losing my balance since I loved him. I thought it would all be fine but before I could realize it he broke my virginity after my 18th birthday. It was quite by force.

    I felt so low and heartbroken disrespecting God. I was scared of what my family and friends would say because I used to talk against sex before marriage; they thought I would even be a nun. I asked God for forgiveness and pretended like nothing had happened till I found myself in his bed again and a couple of times (I know I am stupid and regret it). We broke up 2 yrs later.

    I lie to everyone saying I am still a virgin even my previous boyfriend who happened to be as bad as the first. I swear I didn’t mean it to happen but we had sex (I don’t know if he still believed me or not). We broke up later and he said he doesn’t want to get committed, really breaking my heart. It also hurt to see the second person who has had a taste of me go away. I feel so used and so unworthy of God’s love. I can’t get over him but am trying. I have repented so many times but I don’t even believe in myself anymore coz I keep going back.

    Right now I am single to at least help me abstain. But please, I need help to tell God how truly sorry I am. I wish I could turn back the hands of time and go back to when I was a virgin and a Christian. I love God and am so sorry. I feel sorry for myself too. What can I offer my future husband now? I can’t even talk to my friends about abstaining coz that would make me a hypocrite since I am not a virgin. I feel useless and I need God to tell me he still loves me and would use me for his works. Help me please.

    1. Kelly, Please know that when we “confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” That’s what God tells us in His word, the Bible. You have confessed with a sincere heart. Now stand upon what He promises and accept His forgiveness. He will not hold this against you. It’s like what Jesus told the woman at the well, “Now go, and sin no more.”

      What can you offer your future husband now, you ask? You can offer him your love and devotion and a sincere heart. Please read through the “Sex Before Marriage” topic to learn how to better stay out of the way of temptation. And then when you DO find someone that you are getting serious about, make sure you are honest with him. If he can’t fully trust and honor you, despite your past sin, then he won’t honor you after marriage.

      Yes, you gave away a wonderful gift, but you have other wonderful gifts to still give your husband. God accepts, loves, and believes the best in you… so take that gift and hold up your head and know that a man who is worthy of your love, will accept and honor you, as well. I pray the best for you Kelly. I hope also, that you forgive yourself and put boundaries up so you don’t find yourself in the same place again. If a man wants to take this part of you without marrying you first, he is using you for his own selfish motives. Honor God and respect yourself enough not to let this happen again. Save the rest of yourself for your husband. It will be worth it, I assure you.

  14. Hello, I have A question. My boyfriend and I have unfortunately fallen into this struggle. We’re now on a break and keeping distance between us in order to seek after the Lord. We have accountability partners now and decided we need the Lord first and foremost. I’ve heard that it’s best we make this break permanent but is it possible for the Lord to heal and restore a relationship after sin like this? I know in marriage you make an effort to make it work but does it apply here too or should we just give up and move on? This is tough but I’d appreciate some advice.

    1. Jenn, I’m so sorry that you find yourself in this place. The pull of temptation is so very strong and sometimes we can be so weak (as you know). But I’m proud of you that you have woken up and stopped doing what you know you shouldn’t before marrying. You stopped, confessed, prayed, got accountability partners, and are doing what you can to do what is right. Truly, that is commendable.

      As far as your relationship with your boyfriend, I don’t know if you should continue on. I don’t know how healthy your relationship is with each other. But the fact that you both are in agreement to stop having sex together shows some real strength of character. It’s more difficult sometimes to stop doing something after you already have. And yet you’re both doing it. I’m proud of you both.

      There is no reason for you not to continue dating each other, unless it’s a bad relationship in itself, apart from the temptation you fell into. God forgives us when we ask for Him to do so. He remembers it no more and doesn’t hold it against us, according to the Bible. As Jesus told the woman at the well, “go and sin no more.” And that was that. That’s all He required of her and that’s all He requires of you.

      One of the good things is that now that you have stopped “getting to know each other” physically (something that we are blessed to do after marrying, but not before), you can now put your efforts into getting to know each other in different ways, as you should. You need to know how good you are at working through problems together and enjoying life together and such. The fact that you have gotten to this place of stopping each other sexually shows that you have SOME good skills in working together. Decide together if you WANT to continue growing your relationship and finding out more about whether you are good together or not. And if so, please know that God would definitely give His approval –as long as He is put into the center of your relationship, from this day forward.

      I pray for you both and wish you well. “And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ –to the glory and praise of God.” (Philippians 1:9-11)

  15. I am a widowed woman, in love with a man. In the future we wish to marry. Sadly we already have had sexual relations. I am a christian and cannot live with myself. My partner is a non-christian and sees sex as a normal activity before marriage. I would like to hear peoples views on this matter. Kind Regards, Maritza

    1. Oh Maritza, bless your heart! I so grieve with you because I sense the deep pain you are experiencing in all of this. How I wish I could say that you can go forth, with blessing, to marry this man and “live happily ever after.” But deep down, I believe you know that this cannot be so. You are a Christian, which means that you have committed yourself to be a follower of Christ. Can you imagine Jesus giving you His blessing with your involvement with this man, and then blessing you after you marry him, when he isn’t united with you and God in this commitment?

      I can see how you can go down this route. Loneliness can lead us places we never thought we would go before. But please don’t allow yourself to believe the lie that because you hurt so badly and want companionship so badly, solutions to do that which you should not, are acceptable. They are not.

      I urge you to please break off this relationship. You know deep inside that it is wrong, and as long as you keep growing it, you will grow more and more miserable. You already said, “I cannot live with myself” concerning this matter. What makes you think that if you continue down this road, it will lead to a better one? It won’t. With all the love for you as a Christian sister, I urge you to turn from this relationship, reinvest in your relationship with the Lord (He will forgive you for your sins when you ask Him, and love you back), and look for other healthier ways to curb your loneliness. If you don’t, I’m afraid that you will be even more haunted by the wrongs of this type of life, and will be even more miserable.

      I pray for you Maritza –Please know that my heart goes out to you and my prayers go out for you. I pray the Lord helps you, guides you, comforts you, speaks to you, and works in and through you in this situation. I also pray God infuses hope into your heart that you will eventually experience better days –ones that will bring a smile to your heart. “May the Lord direct your heart into God’s love and Christ’s perseverance.” (2 Thessalonians 3:5)

      “And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ –to the glory and praise of God.” (Philippians 1:9-11)

      1. Martiza, I really can empathize with you. I’m going through the same thing right now. I’m a born again Christian and trying make my walk with Christ so much better than it is now. My child’s father yes he goes to church but going to church can be so traditional, if you’re going to church “just because”. I really believe he’s going to church because he knows I’m not settling and that I want a man of God.

        Well that’s where the problem lies, if we get into a relationship with a man whose not filled with the Holy Spirit we can set ourselves up for real destruction. It’s different if both of you are trying to get close to God and both of you are putting God in the center of the relationship. If not you’ll find yourself unequally yoked. 2 Corinthians 6:14 states being unequally yoked with unbelievers because we will battle with light and darkness.

        I feel as though if we wait on our soul mate for who GOD sends us, the guy will complete us. Where you fall short he can pull you up, even if that means praying for each other. That’s key you want to be able to pray with and for each other. You don’t want a relationship where you’re doing all the praying. It states in the Bible the man is the leader; he’s supposed to be able to pray for the family and lead family in prayer.

        What if you find yourself on your death bed and you need someone to pray for you? Hopefully it would be your husband but if he can’t that’s a problem. Don’t ever feel guilty for falling into sexual sin. It will cause more guilt and strain on your life. Call out to our Lord and Savior and ask for forgiveness. Whatever we have done even if it was 5 minutes ago. Once we ask for forgiveness it’s done in Jesus name. He loves us so much, there’s no buts or what ifs. And he’ll not bring it back up; it’s forgiven and forgotten!

        I used to have sex and feel sooo bad about it. Us women need to realize that we’re find China and not some paper plates that guys can use and throw away. We’re daughters of the most High. And God doesn’t want to see us hurt or cry.

        My prayer to you is that you ask for forgiveness and let it go as well as that relationship. I know you probably hear it from God but as humans we tend to want to close our ears and do “our own thing” rather than “God thing”. But His thing will bring joy, peace and blessings in the overflow if we remain pure and obedient to His word.

  16. Like any other girl, I was a commited prayerful woman. I love God and have been shaped by his standards. I hated sin and everything with it. It’s until then in my 26 years, I kept my virginity, I told myself. This is the only gift I will give my husband the day he will marry me.

    Little that I know. I met this guy who loves me, and wants to marry me. He goes to church but the only problem with him is fornication to him is not a sin because he’s sleeping with whoever he calls his, but adultery to him is a sin. I kept teaching him, especially in presexual sin, but all was in vain.

    Yes, I love him but unfortunately we found ourselves having sex together. After that I cried deep because I brought shame to God. I found myself worthless, full of guilt because of what I did. I then asked for forgiveness but my Christian life had become weak. Since we don’t stay in the same city, whenever I go to his city we always end up having sex together, and ask for forgiveness here and there, which I think it’s of no use since we are both weak.

    We then agreed to stay completely far away although in a relationship, as for my part I have repented although to him fornication is not a sin as long as he is doing it to the person he is going to marry, something that I still have a fear of that that we might again find ourselves doing it the day we are going to meet since he has power to do so.

    One more concern I have is I know very well that this guy truly loves me, and I love him equally. Our relationship is at peace. We pray and fast together, apart from him getting a wrong concept of fornication. Yes, we’re planning to get married but then I’m left with two decisions, should I leave him because of his fornication and wait until it is the right time for marriage? I’m not sure how his reaction will be to this though, or should I stay in a relationship and live far away from each other as agreed?

    One more thing that is worrying me is my virginity I gave him. If I marry a different person, I’m not sure if I will enjoy him sexually as I might just keep on comparing him. Since I gave him this gift, I think I’ll be more ashamed and full of guilty on the day of my wedding if I am to marry a different person apart from him.

    But my question is, even after repentance and we happen to marry each other, will God forgive us for having sex before marriage? Will we enjoy our marriage? Will our marriage be blessed? I want to live a pleasing life to God.

    1. Gina, As I read your comment, I feel so moved to write to you. You are right in saying that we can’t take back past mistakes. What we did, we did. But that doesn’t mean we have to continually carry the pain of it all, when we give it to God in honest confession, and lean upon changing our behavior in the future. Please reread through this article, and all of the linked articles within it, and prayerfully glean through, take in, and apply what you believe God wants to say to you. I sense that God is waiting to give you mercy and grace if you will embrace His gift to you.

      As for your relationship with this guy, I can’t tell you if you should break up with him or not. I don’t know him. But please don’t marry him if you have ANY thoughts that would make you think that he would not be faithful to you, if you married. And please don’t marry him if you think that you should because you had sex with him. Yes, you shouldn’t have given him this gift, but that doesn’t seal your fate, as far as marrying him. ONLY marry him, if you believe you would both be good marriage partners, committed to God and to each other –working through whatever obstacles come your way… facing and dealing with them instead of letting them come between you.

      As for God forgiving you… of course He will. We’re told that throughout the Bible that when we come to Him, He forgives us. He also can bring redemption out of the ashes of what is left behind. You can see that in Christie Mohamed’s testimony (linked to this article), where she has been able to help others deal with this issue.

      Also, please don’t keep looking into the future as far as carrying the memories of what you have done into marriage, either with this guy or another (if you break up with this guy and marry another in the future). Lean into God to carry your memories, and to help you if this is ever the case. I’ve had a tough past, where I have some memories that have haunted me. But I can tell you that God has faithfully helped me to leave the past behind, as the past, and instead enjoy what God has blessed me with today. As I have leaned into Him, praying and committing it all to the Lord, I am no longer haunted. I believe the same can be true for you.

      So don’t borrow tomorrow’s problems, and carry them into today. Deal what is in front of you today… figuring out if you and this guy should keep seeing each other. And if you do, you need to figure out how you will stay out of the grab of temptation. Something that may help you is if you go into the web site at http://www.boundless.org. “Boundless is a community for Christian young adults who want to grow up, own their faith, date with purpose, and prepare for marriage and family.” I believe you will find additional answers to some of your questions. After going through the linked articles within this one, if you go to the Boundless web site and go into the “Relationships” topic and then into “Sexuality” within it. You will find a number of articles dealing with forgiving yourself, putting up boundaries sexually before marriage and such. Please prayerfully glean through the articles that the Holy Spirit shows you. Read them and apply whatever God shows you to do. I’m sure this will help you now and in the future. I pray it will as you lean upon our loving, forgiving, merciful, gracious God. May God bless you, Gina, in this quest to live, as He would have you.

  17. I often think of myself as the woman at the well. I have been married twice (to Christians) as well as spending 11 yeas with a Christian man who refused to marry me but who lived with me. Two years ago I left him because I was unable to stand being in such a sinful, uncommitted relationship.

    I went to work in a different country. I met a lovely guy who was a pillar of the church and who treated me like a princess. His family would not agree to us being married so we had a secret marriage ceremony. I became pregnant but lost the child. He has since decided he cannot be my husband and says that our marriage was a fantasy. He says he’s ashamed of our sexual relationship and I feel like dirt. I am a broken woman who will never trust another Christian man. I see my non Christian friends with good husbands and happy families having fun and I wonder if there are any good men left.

    1. I’m sad for you Elizabeth, that this has been your experience. Yes, there are good men left, they just may not be visible to you right now, for some reason only God knows… but they are there. Please don’t allow the hurt that a few men, who aren’t as good behind closed doors as they appear to be, sour you to think that all men are that way. That is a false illusion.

      And please be careful about thinking that non-Christian men are better choices to make and embrace, just because of the bad behavior of a few dishonorable men who claim to be Christians. You are treading upon dangerous thought patterns. We’re told not to be unequally yoked. If God says no, then don’t let other appearances tempt you. You have no idea what goes on behind THEIR closed doors. I know of many marriages that appear great on the outside –with everyone thinking they are happy and healthy in their lives together, and it is anything but good. Again, be careful.

      Live your life for God as you should… without living with anyone –not giving of yourself, something you should only give your husband. Put your eyes upon Christ, and see where HE takes you. Make Him first, and God will lead you to the right people to be involved with. I hope and pray you will.

  18. I feel overwhelmed as I read each persons story. Then again I feel open enough to explain mine…I don’t feel alone. I was celibate for close to two years and met a guy. We stayed friends for 7 months enjoying our pure relationship. We did not hang out during this time and we were both strong on staying committed to God.

    I stood strong on staying pure before marriage but we ended up having sex… a few times in two months. I feel HORRIBLE and nasty and shameful. I vowed to not have sex. I regret the times. Even when I stood on it and repented somehow I fell back into sexual impurity. The last time it broke me bad I felt as if I was going to hell right then and there. I didn’t want to engage in this act but I felt as if I couldn’t tell him no. I was angry and upset.

    I played God. I heared the gospel and STILL ended up fornicating right in God’s face. My thoughts are roaming with evil things because I feel like I have opened a door (which I have) for the devil to creep in. I am constantly paranoid, asking for forgiveness but I feel like God’s ears are closed to my prayers because I’m a sinner. I’m not saved. I can’t even utter those words because the Bible clearly says when we have His spirit we hate sin and to flee from it. It’s as if I was celibate because I was single not because of my covenant with God. I need to get delivered and healed from All things that are hindering me from God. I’m ashamed.

    How can I be used for God’s glory knowing that I heard the gospel and still fornicated? It’s constantly on my mind I don’t feel worthy of his love. I feel wicked and corrupted. The Bible verse that states *people will be lovers of self, lust etc* plays in my mind, as well as others.

    The guy is great; he feels bad as well and we both got on our knees to ask for forgiveness but I don’t feel like I’m totally forgiven. This has been a struggle for me, which is why I remained celibate but now I feel like our relationship is ruined. I told him I need some time. We love other and plan on getting married but I want to make sure we’re delievered from ALL ungodly things… I want to stay away from him and only speak on the phone or see each other when we attend services at church. I need to be completely transformed by God. I just want to be at the alter right now crying and begging for God’s mercy… I need help….

    1. Oh girl, my heart goes out to you. You said it yourself. You don’t feel fully forgiven. But God doesn’t half forgive. When you repent to him he forgets your sin, you’re washed clean from it. The devil IS condemning you. Don’t let him. Take your conviction from this. I know you don’t feel like you deserve it. It’s only because of your love for God and all things good, you know how holy he is, so you want to please him. Don’t let your own expectations be higher than God’s.

      Don’t place yourself above God, if he says you are forgiven… then every time you feel guilty you tell Satan no and you remind yourself you’re forgiven and you’re not doing anything wrong. You DID but you repented for it already. When guilt comes back it’s the enemy. Let yourself be transformed. You’re not worthless now, you’re made clean again. This is the wonderful gift of grace he has given us!!! It doesn’t give you a license to sin, but God knows your heart; he says you’re forgiven so who are you going to believe, God or the devil? There’s no shame in Christ, there’s no one better than the other.

      Believe me, I know what sexual impurity feels like, I’ve been through a lot of incidents in my own past, and even though your heart is broken, remember how much he loves you. Just have FAITH that he’s walking you through this and he will never leave nor forsake you. He never changes. No matter what our soulish worldy emotions try and put on us… Pray your heart out to him day and night; fast if you must, never lose your faith. God bless you and your friend in Jesus name!!!

  19. Hello, My Name is Natalie and I’m 19 years old. I came on this Website because I feel so guilty. Looking on so Many websites for help. I’m a very insecure person even though no one actually notices.

    In the past three years I was involved with so many guys. It’s embarrassing to even think of the number. I wasn’t in a relationship with even one of them. I thought if I had sex with guys they would eventually love and marry me. What a silly thing to think but I was fantasizing with this idea. No one ever told me it was a sin to get involved sexually before marriage. It seemed like every one was having it except for me and I felt like I didn’t belong like something was wrong with me.

    I ended up getting drunk almost every weekend, kissing thousands of different guys and the desire to have sex was growing. Then I fell in love with this guy who didn’t believe in Christ and we ended up doing sexual things. I made him my god and everything he did was just perfect in my eyes. Then he broke up with me and I felt so alone, crying myself to sleep every night. I thought God wanted to hurt me because I thought he was the love of my life.

    One year after, he came back into my life. I did everything to get him back. He made it seem like he was in for the same but ended up having a girlfriend one week after we met. I was so hurt one week after I had sex for the first time with a random guy because I thought this would heal me, so I had sex with him. But it felt so wrong. I thought that it felt wrong because I was still in love with the other guy but it felt wrong because it was against God. I am so sorry.

    After that I met a couple of guys who I thought I was in love with because they were telling me I was beautiful. I had sex with them. I thought this was what people do when they’re in love, and it hurt me even more. I haven’t told anyone about my feelings. I was playing cool all the time as if it was just cool to have sex right away and not feel anything. It hurt my relationship with God so much.

    I can’t forgive myself and the feelings of guilt keeps rising up every day. I feel guilt and hate for the things I’ve done. I think about the situations I’ve been in and how I should have reacted, that I shouldn’t have been so weak, how awful I feel and why I did these things. It haunts me. I just want to tell my story because I feel like I don’t deserve God’s grace, like I am the ugliest person on earth for having sex before marriage with random guys with whom I didn’t want to have any kind of sexual interaction in the first place.

    I feel like no one gets me. I hope that someone will answer and help me. I was looking for help in guys when I should have looked for Jesus. I love him so much HE is my savior. I don’t know how to stop punishing myself.

    1. Dearest Natalie, How sad I am for you that you gave away that, which you know is valuable. You and I both know that what you gave was of more worth than you realized, and so does God. But please know that God does not condemn us eternally if we come to Him, asking for mercy and forgiveness. If you read your Bible, you can see that stated repeatedly. Here is a link to something we have posted on our web site, which points out some of those scriptures (some deal with forgiving others, and some deal with accepting forgiveness): http://host.agencysrvr.com/~marriage/bible-verses-on-bitterness-and-forgiveness/. If you confess your sin “God is faithful and just and will forgive” you. Please know that.

      The problem is that WE often can’t wrap our minds around that fact. We have a tendency to hold onto unforgiveness (of ourselves and others) so we project this same concept upon God. He IS forgiving, if we come to Him with a repentant heart. He usually won’t erase the consequences of our sin, but He won’t hold it against us. You will have to deal with the memories you have created. Eventually, as you keep giving them to God (surprisingly, He is willing to take them), they will lose their grip on you and won’t be as poisonous. I can attest to that from personal experience. Thank God, that is true!

      Another problem you have going for you is that you are listening to the lies of the enemy of our faith. You need to rightly discern the difference between what God tells you and what the enemy tells you and would like for you to believe. Remember the enemy wants you to live in continual defeat; God’s goals are the opposite. Please carefully go through the following article (maybe many times over) to get a better idea about how clever the enemy is, and how you can go down a road condemning yourself more than you should, even though God has forgiven you: http://host.agencysrvr.com/~marriage/discerning-the-difference-between-the-conviction-of-the-holy-spirit-and-condemnation-of-the-enemy/. Also, read the linked articles below it to get an even clearer picture of the mercy God is offering you.

      Natalie, of course, it would have been better if you hadn’t done what you did. But God offers mercy, when you come to Him, tell Him you are sorry –truly meaning it, and then stopping the bad behavior from happening in the future. Please don’t buy the lie that it’s okay because “everybody else is doing it.” Everybody else was doing it in Noah’s day, but that didn’t mean that God condoned it… just the opposite, as we can tell from the flood, and yet the mercy God gave Noah and his family when they decided it would be better to be condemned by people, rather than from God.

      I feel for you. I live with regrets of my own from my past. Regrets play upon our minds in horrible ways. But we can’t give those regrets the power to hurt us from living good lives in the future. If God doesn’t condemn you any further after you confessed to Him in earnestness, then you need to ease up on yourself. Learn the lessons you can from it all and then use God’s mercy to propel you to live a good and pleasing life dedicated to the Lord in the future. You CAN get past this. You CAN have a good life ahead of it. And God can redeem this in some way in the future. Who knows? Perhaps you will help another young gal in the future, to help her turn away from going in a bad direction.

      Heather Jamison, who co-authored the first article linked in this one, is a good example. She and her husband are now missionaries in Kenya. She did things she’s very ashamed of (I know of many others who have also done this) and yet she eventually got back up, confessed her sin, accepted God’s forgiveness, and is now helping others. Some go into full time Christian work, and others live their Christianity while working in other areas of life. Just think of all who would have lost out if Heather kept believing the enemy that she needed to keep punishing and re-punishing herself –living an on-going defeated life. I’m in the same boat. I determined not to allow my regrets to eat up the good that could come about as I put my hand into God’s, and walk the path that God would have for me. Think of the Apostle Paul… you talk about regrets that could have kept him crippled emotionally for life! Please Natalie, cry out to God, confess your regrets, and then accept His forgiveness, and His leading for your future. God has a wonderful plan for you as you live for Him. I hope you will, and pray for you that you will have the strength to do so.

  20. I did a lot of selfish sexual things that I know were wrong. I haven’t had sex in 7 months. It seems like forever. I feel guilty because I think of having sex with a certain guy, someone I loved that God does not want me with, and not only am I getting over the heartbreak of not being able to be with this person, I think back from time to time on the second we had and I don’t always immediately push it out. I wonder what is wrong with me…how can I lust over an act that I know God did not approve of? How can I still desire for a man that God doesn’t want for me? How do I stop having selfish desire for these things?

    It’s really messing with my mind. When does it go away? I did a lot of bad things sexually that I know God forgave, but I just feel like I can’t even hardly be touched, like …I can hug people at church, and my daughter. But even sometimes with her, if I have an impure thought I don’t want her to touch me. I feel so filthy and disgusting and I don’t understand how I’m so easily sexually turned on by things and thoughts of this man. It makes me really angry. Someone please, tell me if you understand me.

  21. I’ve been a Christian for five years, having converted from Buddhism. Last year, I met a guy while I traveling overseas who said he liked me and gave me a bunch of red roses. This gave me the impression that he was interested in getting to know me as a person. He became affectionate with me, and to cut it short, we ending up sleeping together. Prior to this, I was a virgin.

    I was desiring marriage at the time and I hadn’t been having success with finding a Christian guy who I’m attracted to and who would be suitable for marriage. I continued on with the relationship with this guy as I didn’t want to go through the heartbreak of separation. When he asked me when I was returning to his home city, I had the impression he was really serious about me, so I did. He told me that he wanted to marry me, that he was a doctor, was interested in travel and he promised he would visit my home country. Most of the times we met though, it was about sex.

    However, I was noticing the inconsistencies between his words and actions. I noticed that I was initiating contact with him and saying that I loved him, and when I did all he would say is that he loved me and that he missed me, but never showed interest in getting to know me as a person, and rarely made the effort to contact me while I was traveling. After a few months, I stopped initiating contact and he never called me in the few months before making the call to end this relationship. I realised I had been deceived and that he was only interested in me for sex. When I confronted him about it, he was in denial and there he goes again telling me he loved me. I told him this relationship is finished and ended all contact with him.

    I totally regret ever giving my virginity away to this guy, and have been feeling guilty about it. It has also made me more reluctant to marry, due to fear of being used for sex, concern about my husband leaving me for another woman, fear of being controlled etc. I tell my story to warn others that people can deceive just to have their selfish desires met.

    1. Ann, There are good and bad people in this world and if you go on thinking everyone is going to hurt you… then you aren’t going to live the life you should. Will you get hurt again? Most likely yes. But there will be many things that put a smile on your face, made you a better person or even made someone else better because you opened up.

  22. I wandered on this site out of desperation. I am 27 years old, grew up knowing and trusting God- and I still DO know and trust God… I love him, and I believe his word. I have always believed in saving my virginity for marriage. I am well-versed in the consequences of premarital sex, both physical and emotional. I know that sex outside of marriage offends God, a God that I want to honor with my life and my body. I am connected to my local church, my friends are growing, committed Christians. I literally have no excuse for what I have done… Other than that I am wicked. My heart is black.

    I met and fell in love with a man from my church. He cares for me and is committed to me, and respects me. We have been working through aspects of our relationship, and he has struggled with doubts in his faith that have been painful and confusing for me to know how to handle. Do I break up with someone who’s working through doubt? Or do I stick it out until they reach a decision? God has acted in his life, and it has been amazing to see his faith grow. He has become more connected with godly men in our church.

    However, fairly early on in our relationship we began to struggle with our sexual boundaries. He had become a Christian later in life and had had sexual experiences before including intercourse, that he regretted and did not want to repeat. I had had some equally regrettable sexual experiences with a former boyfriend, but I was still a virgin and mostly sexually inexperienced. But the desire was there- he made me feel so safe, so loved, so beautiful. And for him, the temptation was strong. We tried going to married Christian friends for accountability. He tried meeting with a young pastor for accountability. We regularly confessed our sin to God and repented. Set up new strategies.

    We would succeed sometimes, we would go some time without sinning… but it still progressed until we had done pretty much everything except sex itself. He insisted he would not take my virginity. He did not that want that for me, did not want that for himself, and knew that it was wrong. I knew that too, but I also didn’t like feeling that he was holding back from me, and felt the curiosity of what it was I was missing… Selfish and sad.

    One night when we had too much too drink, we gave in- so briefly and so short I hardly knew what happened. The next day, after crying and repenting… I went after it again. Saying that if I had lost my virginity I wanted to at least remember it. So we did it again. He tried to stop it, but I wore him down.

    I feel somewhat stunned. I don’t know who I am, or why I would do something I have always known is wrong? We cried together and prayed, and we have decided to meet with our pastor to confess and ask for his advice on our relationship. I’m scared. I am well liked by my pastor and at my church, and I know my reputation will be tainted. I feel some bitterness when I see women in the church who were pursued and married by godly men, who weren’t struggling with doubt- who waited for marriage to have sex- who now are being blessed in life. I wonder why I have waited so long and seen so many friends marry and have not been chosen, why God gave me this hand. I honestly did not just give in and stop caring. I tried time and time again to fight it. But maybe I should have just ended the relationship.

    I feel full of shame. I don’t think I can tell anyone- not even my close friends. They would be so disappointed after I have been a Christian for so long… just total lack of self-control on my part. No excuses. I reach out to the Lord and I know that he hears and that he forgives. I feel like Adam and Eve, hiding in the forest from God after they had sinned. And I know that he calls out to me like he did to them… and I know that he sent Jesus to cover their sin and to cover mine.

    I am hopeful that meeting with our pastor will end this sin. That if he tells us to end things, we will do it. Or if he tells us to separate for a time, that God will use that. I am most afraid of feeling shut out from the abundant life God calls me to because of my own persistent sin.

    Why do I do these things that I know are so wrong, when I know how indebted I am to my Saviour and truly love my Saviour? It seems I have had an appetite for sexual things since I was younger, and have never completely overcome it. Any advice or messages you may have for me would be appreciated.

    1. Elizabeth, There are good and bad people in this world and if you go on thinking everyone is going to hurt you… then you aren’t going to live the life you should. Will you get hurt again? Most likely yes. But there will be many things that put a smile on your face, made you a better person or even made someone else better because you opened up.

    2. Elizabeth, I think if you have these feelings and they aren’t going away then it isn’t wrong. Sex is a part of our biology it is was helps us to procreate. I think you need to determine if this man that you lost your virginity to is worthy of having you again and if the answer is yes, then stay with him and get married.

    3. Hi Elizabeth, how my heart goes out to you. It sounds like you are trapped within your own torture chamber within your mind and conscience. I’ve been there earlier in life, so I know how difficult it can be. I’m so sorry you’re there… so, so sorry. As for continuing to date this guy, or to “break up with him” –that’s something YOU need to decide. It doesn’t sound like you’re both helping each other –him with his spiritual questions, and you with wanting to stay pure, as you know God is calling you to do. If you can be helpful to each other, without dragging each other down onto a sinful path, then you may be good for each other. If not, then it may be that at least during this season in both of your lives, you may need to keep some distance.

      As for not going further sexually than you should… if you commit to staying in public at all times, then you WILL stay pure. We know of a couple that committed to never being alone together before marriage. The temptation was too strong. So, the most “alone” they ever got was out on the front porch where all the neighbors could see, or in a busy park, where they could still talk privately, but their hands and other parts couldn’t wander where they shouldn’t. Sex is WONDERFUL… but it’s not something we’re supposed to get involved with except with our spouse. Before that, we’re opening a gift that God says to wait for until we’ve made the important fully committed promises to Him and to each other in marriage.

      Also, please know that having lustful feelings when you’re single is quite normal. But what you do with them, is entirely different (and difficult). There is a ministry that I recommend you visit regularly. They have an online magazine devoted to singles on a variety of issues. You can find them at http://www.boundless.org. Look around the web site. You may find insights into a lot of the questions and situations you’re dealing with… I truly believe you will.

      As for the “women at the church” who you believe are not having the same struggles you are… please know that we all have something that is tough for us, Elizabeth. Yours is singleness right now –not having that someone who is as committed to Christ as you are. For others, it’s marriage, or a wayward child, or abusive parents, or a spouse, etc. Please do what you can not to look longingly at others who aren’t in the same struggle as you are… believe me, they have their own “thorns in their sides” –you just may not see it. A lot of these kinds of problems are ones that they keep silent, just as you’re keeping this quiet. God is perfecting us all in different ways. Keep your eyes on your own path and work on that mission –not the path God has for others.

      I greatly encourage you to talk to someone about all of this. You may be right about your friends… I don’t know. But a good place to start may be to contact the ministry of Focus on the Family – Canada, at: http://www.focusonthefamily.ca. If they aren’t the ones to talk to, then they might be able to direct you to someone who could. They have a great contact list. It sounds like you need to bounce some of this off of someone who is wise and godly so you can make better decisions in the future.I hope you will. I pray the best for you, and that God will lead you to a place of peace in your heart (despite the uncertainty of situations in your life), and wisdom to do what you need to do, concerning the issues you have written. May you be blessed!

  23. I need some advice. I grew up in a Christian family and unfortunately in my mid teens I turned from God -around this time I had my first serious relationship. We dated for a year and unfortunately had sex. I broke off the relationship because of guilt and tried to set my heart straight. I failed. A year later I dated a non Christian and again had sex throughout our relationship. I knew it was wrong but still did it anyway. I eventually broke up with him and turned my heart to God. I left my ‘bad’ friends and confessed my faith. That was 2 and a half years ago now.

    Recently I started dating a Christian boy/man from my church. I had always planned on telling him before we started dating. However, things moved quickly and I didn’t find the right time or courage to tell him. I know I need to tell him but what if he breaks off with me? I’ve been surrounded by Christian friends that say a woman that’s had sex is ‘used’ and “no right man would marry her”. I know the Lord has forgiven me but is it too much to ask of someone else to take on someone with that sexual history?

    We are keeping our relationship at a level with no physical intimacy. I haven’t even hugged him yet. Honestly, I wish I could keep it to myself and not tell him.

  24. Good day. I’m a young lady that is seeking advice and sincere prayers. I’m deeply ashamed have been gravely affected by the things I’ve done in the past. One year ago, when I was naive, I was tricked into losing my virginity by a guy who turned out to be someone I’ve never met before. I felt that I had no choice but to continue having sex with him, allowing him to use me. I eventually stopped seeing him at all costs and started seeing other guys, but they all used, abused and refused me. I felt like a dirty piece of torn cloth that was being passed around to do all manner of things. I felt that I had no worth.

    Recently and surprisingly, one of them called me and apologised, and I forgave him. I’m currently talking with a Christian guy who I really admire for his humility and character, but sometimes I feel that I’m not good enough, especially because I’m not a virgin anymore and he may not want me because of that. I also have a problem with lust and I don’t want to lust after him nor anyone. Although I’m currently celibate, I just asked God for forgiveness really feel so dirty. I really desire to be purified and to forgive myself because I want to have a beautiful marriage. I’m asking for your annointed prayers and counseling. Thank you and God bless you.

    1. Kimmil, I would proceed very slowly with this Christian guy. If it looks like it is going somewhere, in a more serious direction, then I’d encourage you to tell him what happened. If he truly is a man of humility and character, this would prove it. I know without a shadow of doubt that if I had the past experiences that you have had, my husband and I would have been able to work past this together. He truly IS a man of great character. But some people just can’t handle this kind of testing. It would be good to find this out in the front end of your relationship, rather than later when your hearts are more entangled.

      You might fear losing him, and that’s understandable. But it’s better to have that happen now, rather than later. Any man whom would look at you as tainted is forgetting the sins that God has forgiven them for, and they wouldn’t be husband material you would want because eventually something else would cause them to judge you. If Jesus forgave and forgives, so should he and so should you (as far as forgiving yourself). What does it say in 1 John 1:9? Read it and determine for yourself if what it says is true. If you don’t believe it, then what else do you not believe that God’s word tells you?

      Here is a link to another article I encourage you to prayerfully read: http://host.agencysrvr.com/~marriage/the-journey-of-forgiving-yourself/. I pray it helps you.

  25. Wow!!! I have never ever felt guilty about the sex I had before marriage and considering my two beautiful children were the result of pre marital sex pre marital sex provided me with a 2nd and 3rd thing to live for. I’m still with their mother. We have since gotten married but I think if you’re playing the comparison game, and can’t stop doing it, this has nothing to do with the devil or God… you are missing something that you need, not want, in your relationship/marriage. If you have had more than one partner there is always going to be comparisons better, worse and different. What you need to compare is the whole package. Can you live with the whole package, loving caring person to be by your side for the rest of your life, even thought he/she might not do the things a previous lover did?

    I’m lucky that I’m in love with a person that “overall” is the best lover I’ve ever had and it keeps getting better as we explore our desires. Are there things that I’ve compared to others? Yes, is the best at everything no, but considering she loves me and is willing to try new things, as am I, that is what makes her the best ever.

  26. Please, I need advice because I am so confused of what do. I met my date about three years ago when I personally fasted and asked God for direction on whom to marry. I had a lot of confirmation that he is God’s will for me. I also had revelation that if I leave him I will regret the action. We made a commitment to keep ourselves holy and free from premarital sex but in the third year we had sex. We have cried, repented and asked God for forgiveness, which he had done and restore our peace and we are not doing this act again.

    The problem now is that we want to get married now but if we tell the church, they will put us on suspension for over a year and the marriage will be outrightly canceled. Nothing more, nothing less. Now, should I tell the church that we never had sex (because God has forgiven us and wiped away this sin) and get married to this man or should I tell the church that we had sex and lose this man seeing that he is God’s will for me. *note* the church rule is that you should let them know about our relations before even telling our parent or paying the dowry. Please treat as urgent.

  27. Hello and thank you for your ministry. I’m in my 30’s never married. I’ve struggled with sexual sins all my life. There have been periods of victory and abstinence, but no sustained and continued long term success. In my mid to late 20’s I went 5+ years without sexual relations and I kind of flattered myself thinking I was really super spiritual. Honestly, looking back I wasn’t being so spiritual; perhaps it was 15% spirtual, 50% being interested in keeping up a Godly appearance before others and 35% total fear of intimacy due to pain from prior relationships.

    For a time I was very religious but I drifted away from regular fellowship and ended up meeting a very kind, but unsaved woman with some pretty heavy duty baggage in her life. Honestly being in my 30’s and never married with a lot of sexual sin in my past I guess it’s fair to say I also have some heavy duty baggage. Long story short for the past couple of years I’ve been involved with this woman. While the flames of “romance” have very much died out, I now have this very protective and for lack of a better word brotherly sisterly love for her and I can’t bear to see her hurt or feeing rejected. Our sex life is all but extinct and we have pretty much evolved into a sort of codependent companionship. I help her with things and she helps me with things…BUT…

    Lately due to other life issues, I’ve begun to feel very convicted that this relationship must end, or at the very least change drastically. And probably due to all my emotions of love and affection that are attached to her, I’m probably not seeing it right and that’s what I’m looking for here. She is not a Christian but I have shared my faith a lot with her. Of course I’ve also shared in sin with her, so I’m a hypocrite. I feel very strongly that once and for all I must completely and totally turn away from my sin, but I’m struggling with how this will affect her, how it will damage her over view of Christian men, God etc. Basically I’m mourning the sin I so carelessly walked into, and of course I know I cannot erase the damage that we’ve both done to one another. I have confessed my sins to the Lord, and I feel a sense of forgiveness, fully grasping it will take a while I’m sure.

    I am committed to walking in my new forgiveness and shunning this sin completely. Luckily I have found over the past years that perhaps my desire is declining as in general I’m not as sex-obsessed as I was 10-15 years ago. I’m actually seeing women in a different light as well, admiring them more for their personality and traits than physical elements or clothing style etc. I’m perplexed and deeply saddened of how all of this will likely play out with my girlfriend when I bring this news to her in the next day or so. I’m sure she will be upset, feel rejected and unloved and feel that I’m tired of her and am leaving her for another girl, none of which are true. There is no other woman, and there never was.

    My desires are changing and I’m more hungry for mature non sexual relationships and being more honoring to not only Christian women but all women. I have been wrestling with how to explain my new commitment to her and not come off as being pious, self-righteous or condemning of her. I thought about asking her if she would visit a counselor with me where we could have a mediated dialog, but then I fear it would look like a cop out on my part.

    I know the Bible says to flee fornication, and in my heart I know I have. But now I am concerned about doing the Godly thing as far as my soon to be ex girlfriend is concerned. The thought of her pain crushes me, because I know she has been through so much pain and struggle in her life since childhood. I want to comfort her, but I selfishly allowed my guard down when temptation came, and now I don’t know if there is any way to begin to help her heal, because I truly don’t think she knew any better; but I did. Pray for me and share any wisdom you might have.

    1. I grieve for you, for the good you have forfeited, if you just could have resisted temptation. What’s especially disturbing is what this could do to this gal spiritually. I just don’t know. How I pray she doesn’t turn further away from the Lord because of this. I pray the Lord draws her closer to Him, despite all that went on between you.

      As far as some wisdom, I have a few things I’d recommend. The first is to contact the ministry of Focus on the Family. They have counselors on staff that could possibly guide you towards better victory in the future, and pray with you, and help you figure out how to make this break from this gal less painful (especially for her spiritually). She really needs consideration in how this is done. You don’t want to string her along, but you also know it’s best to try to do this in as kind-hearted of a manner as possible. Just go to their web site at focusonthefamily.com and you will find contact info there. I’m glad to hear that you are drawing closer to Truth… but you both still need some help, and I believe talking to a counselor personally (they have great ones) can help you gain insight.

      Also, the ministry of Focus on the Family has another GREAT web site for those who are single, which you can find at boundless.org. They have a wealth of great articles that can help singles on many different levels. I highly recommend you visit their web site often. I can’t say enough good about all I have read as I’ve visited their web site time and again. I hope it will help, and pray God gives you strength to follow Him with your whole heart, body, and soul.

  28. To those who can give me suggestion, I was born in a Christian family, my dad is really religious and very strict. When we (me and my sister) are very young, we were told that we couldn’t have sex before marriage and we both promised that. Background info: we are both baptised in our preteen years. I was very close to my dad more than my sister. I found out my sister is acting weirdly with her boyfriend, and from her room I found out that she had sex before marriage.

    This really made me very uncomfortable; I don’t know what to do. Should I tell my dad (a pastor) or keep it as a secret (at the same time I’m scared that my sister is going into the wrong way if she break up with her boyfriend). So how should I handle this situation? (My parents don’t know that she’s been dating all along.)

    1. Helen, I admire you for taking such a vow and working to keep it. How I wish your sister realized how important it is. As far as telling your parents or not, there isn’t a hard/fast “rule.” But I can tell you that I probably wouldn’t. I would tell my sister I know and try to convince her that she needs to stop. First off, she made a vow. And second off, what does she think Jesus would have her do? She is walking on a dangerous path –one that can bring her eventual heartache, and one that compromises her fellowship with the Lord. She may fool other people, but she doesn’t fool God. And if she brings up the “love” situation, or the “we intend to eventually get married” please read other articles on this web site in the “Sex Before Marriage” topic to combat some of those excuses, and that’s what they are –excuses. She wants to do what she wants to do, when she wants to do it… but that is NOT God’s plan for her. And when you go against Gods’ plans, there ARE consequences that will catch up with you.

      I hope you are successful. It will be doubtful that she will stop doing this, but you sure need to try. I pray the Lord gives you the words you need when you talk to her. God bless!

  29. I do not emotionally believe in the possibility of forgiveness for the sins I have been involved in simply because they stick to you and never leave your mind. I guess I can intellectually say the creed, but feeling cleansed on the inside seems impossible to me. Or maybe it worked a few times, but not anymore because of how crass I have sometimes acted when just trying to feel better.

    The other issue is that the Christian community doesn’t really forgive you ever. You are permanently second class once you fall, and that stays forever in some groups. I just found a Meetup group called “Christian, Straight, Single, Never Married” in my area that had a long diatribe about how they didn’t want anyone tainted. Given how I already feel like a pariah, this just served to make the feelings of self-hatred worse.

    1. Peter, I am very sorry that this is your experience with the Christian community. This should not be! You CAN be forgiven! You CAN! I can tell you from personal experience that you CAN feel cleansed from the inside… much of that is to forgive yourself, you know. This is not so easy… but very necessary!!

    1. Hi Grace, Please rest assured that God can and will forgive you for any and all wrongs you have done in the past, present and future, when you ask with a sincere heart! Does not Christ say in Matthew 18, “when your brother asks you to forgive him, then do it not 7x but 70 x 7?” (in other words… all the time!) I think you can agree that He, Who gave this answer to a human being, would also do the same for anyone who asks Him for forgiveness. This is the wonder of the story of the Cross, that we ARE forgiven, that He does NOT hold our wrongs against us, that our debt is PAID! Yes for sure you can know that you ARE forgiven! God gave His only Son just so that your forgiveness could become a reality!

      Your own name “Grace” means “free pardon” and “forgiveness” :)) I hope you come back again… take care Grace… WP (Work in Progress)

  30. I had sex with someone who is 12 years older than me and after having sex he dumped me and this eats inside of me. I cannot forgive myself, I ask God to forgive me but I continue blaming myself for what I did.

    1. Hi Malehloa, Forgiving yourself can be one of the hardest things to do in this life. I know… I’ve had the same struggle. I would ask you to read and consider my text above to Grace- of course this applies to you too!! and to everyone who comes to God with a sincere heart. Do you believe that God forgives you? Your words imply that you do… but you continue to blame yourself.

      If you have a Bible, please carefully read John Chapter 8. It is the story of a woman caught doing the same thing as you. She was dragged by a crowd before Jesus… expecting Him to approve the punishment of stoning. Instead He told them, “Let him who is without sin throw the first stone.” One by one they all quietly walked away, beginning with the oldest. He was then alone with her, and asked her, “Did no one condemn you?” “No one Lord,” she said. “Neither do I condemn you- go about your business, and sin no more.” Notice she never asked Him for forgiveness, He knew she felt bad about this (like you)… but could do nothing about it for herself. He, the one Person Who had the authority and the right to condemn her, said, “Neither do I condemn you- go about your business, and sin no more.”

      You need to forgive yourself… leave this thing behind you, and get on with living. I’m very sorry that your partner did what he did. Must be very painful! I hope you have friends and family with whom you can share this, and who will help you get over this unfortunate incident. In any case, the readers and moderators of this site only want the best for you… I hope you come back again. You take care, WP (Work in Progress)

  31. I had sex with my fiancé after paying her bride price. Did I commit a sin? If yes, must I confess to a priest before I can be forgiven? We are yet to fix our wedding day but we have performed all the traditional marriage rites.

    1. Hi Nelson, To answer your question, yes you did commit a sin, and so did your fiancé, but, according the Bible, the Word of God, you do not need to confess to a priest before you both can be forgiven. Jesus Christ PAID for all your sin, and the sin of your fiance, on the Cross- He bled and died to PAY OUR PRICE. All you both need to do is come to Him, admit your wrongs, decide to turn away from your wrongs, and ask with a sincere heart for Him… Jesus… to come into your life. God’s forgiveness is immediate… and complete. Please read on.

      You know, all of us commit sins all the time. They are too many to count, FAR too many! If we needed to go to a priest to be forgiven for every sin, we would be with the priest constantly! Nooo Nelson… this is why Jesus Christ, the Son of God, went to the Cross to pay for our wrongs, and to forgive us ALL our sins! In effect, the LAW was given so that we would come to the end of ourselves and realise that we are sinful through and through… that we CANNOT FIX this on our OWN… the Law was given to lead us to Christ because only He can FIX our PROBLEM, the PROBLEM of SIN. (Galatians 3:24) This is why we commemorate Good Friday and Easter Sunday. CHRIST HIMSELF HAS PAID FOR YOUR SIN AND MY SIN. Christ said, “It is finished!!” (John 19.30)

      I will further support this position from the Bible: Romans 3:21-23 But now, apart from the Law (asking a priest for forgiveness / paying for our sin ourselves), the righteousness of God has been made visible… through faith in Jesus Christ for ALL who believe, for there is no distinction, for ALL have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.

      John 3:16 “For God so loved the world, that He have His only Son, so that whoever believes on Him would not perish, but have eternal life.”

      Ephesians 2:8,9 “For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God, not as a result of works (not by going to a priest or doing good things), so that no one can boast.”

      I made the same mistake that you did Nelson. I also asked Jesus Christ to forgive me… and He did. I am married now 36 years with my Dutch wife- we live in the Netherlands now. He has worked miracles time and time again in our lives. He longs to do the same for you and your fiancé!! I hope to hear from you again Nelson. WP (Work in Progress)

  32. This is a great article. I typically grew up in a Christian home, saved myself for marriage. I have loved the Lord for as long as I can remember. I married someone I thought felt the same; my husband was not so honest about his past. I think we was sleeping around up until we met. I didn’t date him for 6 months because the Lord told me he needed to work in us both.

    I don’t know why my husband was dishonest, I know he was ashamed… but to sort through this while being married has been terribly hard. I thought I married an honest man. I struggle because I know one of the girls he slept with, not very well but I struggle so much. I forgive them both but I don’t know why I want to know details. I want to know the last time he slept with someone. Is that wrong? He just says it’s in the past. If you have any advice, please help. Blessings, Jane.

    1. Hi Jane, I hope this reply is not too late… I am only just reading your text now. I am a husband married 36 years with two grown children; The Lord found me 39 years ago… and I am still learning.

      I do not think it is wrong of you to want to know details, but I wonder what you can do with the details once you have them. Pehaps the only result would be to open an old wound again?

      You say your husband is ashamed… this is a good development… but have you really talked through the most important issue, the issue of trust? Your husband also needs to fully appreciate the hurt which his sleeping around has caused you; from your brief text, it does not seem that this is the case. “He just says, ‘it’s in the past.'” says it all, don’t you think? Unless and until he fully “gets it,” I think you would agree that it is hard for you to move forward. This is something he needs to understand.

      Do you have any reason to believe he is “stepping out” now? Perhaps you can get through to him by describing a scenaro where you are having an affair with a man you both know (use a name of a mutual friend as an example). How would he feel about that? Would he be able to trust you? Why not?

      Just some ideas for you. Talking things out and describing how you feel, without putting your husband on the defensive cannot help but get across to him where you are right now. I hope these ideas help… Take care, WP (Work in Progress)

  33. Hi, I was very blessed reading all of the messages and replies. I’m thankful to God that I’ve found this site. I’m a Christian girl. I grew up with a broken family. That’s why, ever since I grew up, I promised myself not to get engaged a man who is unbeliever in Christ. I also promised to wait for God’s will and to be pure until marriage. But suddenly, the temptation start playing me. I’ve a met a guy who is an unbeliever. I don’t know why in the first place I didn’t stop our communication on the day that he told me that he wanted to court me. I allowed myself to entertain him, until I fell in love with him maybe?

    The sad thing is I gave everything to Him, in which the status of our relationship is just MU “mutual understanding.” I gave up my virginity to Him, even though I knew he was not the right guy for me. I know it was my weakness but I still allowed it to happen. Maybe I was just so aggressive and so confused about the feeling of being intimate. I don’t know why it came to my mind. I realize I allowed Satan to ruin my faith and relationship with God, and I know he can easily do that because I have no permanent prayer and meditation in His word.

    I was very guilty. I’ve hated myself for doing this, breaking my promises and most of all, hurting my first love Jesus Christ. Day and night I ask for forgiveness from Him, asking for a second chance to be pure again. I always cried out, out of focus in work, so down, and very afraid, especially the possible punishment that He will going to give me. I always asked Him to give me a chance. I was really afraid the possible happens. I was paranoid thinking He might give me an unwanted pregnancy, for me to be disciplined. But I know God is so kind who will forgive me.

    I always ask Him, that He will not punish me in the way of unwanted pregnancy. I always asked Him for a second chance to correct my mistake, and to become faithful again to Him. But the guilt and fear were still on my mind. Please advise, I want to know if God will grant my request not to give me an unwanted pregnancy, and can I regain my purity? Thank You and God Bless

    1. Meriam, No human being could know if you could become pregnant. But I sure hope you stick to your new standards and don’t put yourself in that place again. If you ARE pregnant, then know that God has a purpose for this baby –it’s not to punish you but to eventually bless this baby with a good mom (which I believe you would be… I just have that hunch).

      You can’t erase the memories you have, but yes, you can be pure as long as you keep your standards high once again. God is a Redeemer who can bring good out of bad as we walk in His will. From what you write, it seems that you are doing that. I hope you stand strong and stay strong. I pray the Lord gives you the strength, and encourage you not to put yourself in the place of dating someone you shouldn’t, and put yourself in being alone with someone before marriage where you can more easily fall into temptation. I hope your life takes a turn for the better as you walk in freedom. God promises to forgive when we repent and ask. You can count on that :)

      1. Thanks Cindy :) I pray to God that sooner, I will be OK. Please help me to pray that I will not break my promises to God anymore. I have also another concern Cindy, after what happened, I still contact the guy, telling him that I was not OK, telling him that I was afraid of the possibilities that could happen; and he keeps telling me that it was a protected sex (he use withdrawal) and there’s nothing to be worried about getting pregnant. But still I was not relieved because I knew God can do everything. Every time he calls me I cry, and it makes him worried, until it came to the point that he got annoyed with me, because I was always crying. He was upset because he thinks that I’ve never trusted him ever since.

        That’s why I’ve decided to cut or stop our communication. I never text him anymore and never answer his calls; he text’ me constantly. I know he really loves me, but for me, my love for him has faded after what happened. I feel sorry for him because I’ve never shared with him about the Salvation, in which I know, that was our obligation or task to share the Good News to the lost soul. Is regretting or forgetting him a good way to start my commitment to God? I feel guilty of this situation also, please advise. Thank You and God Bless :)