Marriage Missions International

Haunted by Premarital Sex

Photo by FrameAngel, courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Photo by FrameAngel, courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net

They talk a lot about using “protection” when you have sexual relations with someone (other than your spouse). But as someone (unknown) once said,

“There is no condom for the brain or the heart. So when you have sex before marriage you’re playing with fire that will most likely burn you at some point in your life… especially in your marriage relationship.”

And tragically a lot of couples are finding this to be true. How do you erase the memories you have of having sex with someone else and stop playing “the comparison game” when you are making love with your spouse? And how do you deal with the guilt when you realize that you have violated God’s standards?

When you confess and ask the Lord for forgiveness, God is faithful and just to forgive us and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness, but then there’s the matter of forgiving yourself and moving on in life past it. Premarital sex is sin and sin causes problems.

As Brian and Heather Jamison said,

“Premarital sex wounds the sanctity of a heart and, left untreated, can scar a marriage for a lifetime. We speak from experience; our relationship began with a fall. And we have the scars to prove it.”

To gain insight from what Brian and Heather have learned that helped them to deal with this issue, plus the “Four Keys to Reclaiming Intimacy” that the Jamison’s pass along, please read:

• HAUNTED BY PREMARITAL SEX

“True, you can’t get your virginity back —you’ll never be the person you once were. You can, however, be stronger and wiser than you were before – and more able to resist what you know is wrong.”

The above statement came from Laurel L Cornell, who knows only too well, how a person can be haunted with memories and thoughts after having had sex before marriage. But as she says, you can become wiser than before, and stronger than you probably ever could imagine at this time.

She wrote an article that is posted on the Growthtrac.com web site that addresses those who are married and those who are not yet married —to women who want to feel clean again and not plagued by feelings and images of the past they want to forget. We encourage you to read:

PURE AGAIN

Below is a link to a related article written by Christie Mohamed, posted on her blog web site, Beauty Through Ashes. She is a young gal who gives hope to those who have done things they regret now regret, and insight into a good way to deal with it and experience freedom and forgiveness. Please read:

MY BIGGEST REGRET

For those of you who are not married, you may find the following article helpful. It’s written by Dr Greg and Michael Smalley and is posted on the Growthtrac.com web site.

SEVEN STEPS TO REGAINING AND MAINTAINING VIRGINITY

This article is written by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International.

If you have additional tips you can share to help others int his area of marriage, or you want to share request for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.

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Comments

94 Responses to “Haunted by Premarital Sex”
  1. ANN says:

    (USA) I have been celibate for the past few years, and me and this young man have been dating over a year. I have been in prayer and fasting regarding our relationship and we have manage to keep God in it from the beginning. Everything has been beautiful up to this point God has been teaching me how to be a wife, how to handle him and how to also pray for him.

    Over the course of the year we have not had an impure conversation and when temptation presented itself we manage to get away from each other to keep the relationship pure. I give God all the glory because everything that I have seen him do in our relationship has all been a God doing. And without a shadow of a doubt I know God put us together. Just recently we had sex. There is not a word on the planet that I could use to describe how I felt. I felt like dying because of how I could do such a thing to God. How could God use me for His kingdom?

    Part 2 of this is not knowing if God would still allow us to get married and have a successful marriage. We repented and vowed that we wouldn’t have sex until we’re married. I just feel horrible because everything was so beautiful and now it’s tainted. I know that God is all powerful and we could never begin to understand His ways and he could change this whole situation around if He wanted to. But at the end of the day the decision is His. I’m just having a hard time forgiving myself for shaming God. I let him down and Victory was at the door and I didn’t make it and it left me feeling like a failure. More so because so many people have been watching me and my walk with God because I’m a leader and now I’ve stumbled.

    One thing I will say even after the incident, God gave me peace. All I could do was weep because I thought God gave me peace in the midst of all my mess. I would like to know if anyone has gone through what I’ve been through and did God restore the relationship, use it for His Glory and did you eventually marry your spouse? I feel like I’m alone. Please seek guidance from the Holy Spirit before responding. I’m in a very low place and do not wish to hear any worldly comments.

    • Esther says:

      (RWANDA) My dear Ann, Praise the Lord Jesus! The same happened to a very closed person. She definitely married the person she was in love with and have 3 beautiful children with him (6 yrs, 3yrs and 6 months) now.

      She also struggled to forgive herself but managed to do so because it is the devil trick to make someone feel so bad about themselves while God has already forgiven or wiped/deleted their sins. Remember once God forgives you, he in fact forget your mistake as if it has never happened. Just believe it has never happens and it is God plan and stumbling is not falling down. You know now by experience that there are rocks on the way so you will be careful not to stumble again.

      God will give you joy on top of peace and trust him to give you a beautiful marriage and long years to serve him faithfully. God bless you.

      • Ann says:

        (USA) Thank you Esther for your sweet words. Yes, the devil has been beating me up since the incident took place and I allowed him to because I felt like I deserved it. I’ve been in the bed not wanting to get out just constantly crying out to God. It hurts so bad and I can’t seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Even now as I’m typing my eyes are flooding. I’ve just been so much over the past few years and my walk with God has been so good. I’ve obtained victory in many areas of my life and I felt heaven rejoiced when my faith withstood the trial.

        I’ve watched the enemy attack my relationship with this man and God showed me the power of prayer and God perform miraculous things in our lives. Now I feel that every purpose, promise, and plan that God had for my life like it won’t come to pass. Everyday the enemy plants thoughts like, “because you did this your marriage will be that, and all these great things God called you to do won’t happen and you miss your breakthrough; now God won’t prosper you. You’re not the Christian you thought you were, now look at you.”

        All I wanted was for God to use me; I wanted Him to get all the Glory and it’s my fault because I wasn’t prayed up enough, I should have walked away like times before. This time it felt like my spirit departed from my body because the flesh completely took over. I just have a lot of praying to do.

    • Brandon from United States says:

      Hello Ann, my girl and I have been having worship every day and night. Now we are both 18 and I’m in my first year of college and she in her last year of high school. We have had multiple talks and fights about this situation simply because every weekend when I come home, we end up having sex. We almost reached a month! But that ended just recently. I can tell you first hand that it is a struggle for us and we feel horrible about our actions just like you. In the Bible, God says that he doesn’t like lukewarm people. When we have worship during the week, and on the weekends have sex, we feel as if we play God. We don’t like it at all. Yes, we may be young but we are gonna get married next summer before I go to military.

      All I can say to you, is to keep your head up. Never down. Make sure that when you make a stand for celibacy again, make sure you stand tall. Because if you don’t, then you will surely fall. God bless you.

  2. Jackie says:

    (UGANDA) Hi, recently I have been feeling so much guilt about my past. I slept with so many men I even lost count or I don’t wanna count. I was saved but would backslide. About 6 years ago I recommitted my life to Christ and started walking in sexual purity. I met a good man who I told that I would not have sex with him until marriage. He left saying that he cannot wait for me. I have the desire to live for God but when that man left me it was painful. However, I still choose to live for Christ anyway.

    The problem is I wish I had not lost my virginity. I wish I had kept myself pure. Maybe this man would not have left me if I were a virgin who wants to wait until marriage. I believe that God forgave me but sometimes I wonder which man would want to wait for a girl who is not a virgin? I just pray I meet him but the guilt is sooooo heavy on me lately. I am 36 but I fantasize how it would have been if I were a virgin, but I cannot turn the clock back.

    I have truly learnt that nothing good comes out of disobeying God. I have tried to forgive myself but it seems hard. I have prayed but don’t feel better. Someone please counsel me. Thanks.

    • Cindy Wright says:

      Jackie, I well understand regrets. Oh, if we could only turn back the hands of time with the knowledge of what we know now. But we can’t. All we can do is live our lives NOW so that we don’t live with additional regrets later.

      Jackie, please let me clear something up. This “good man” was not so good. He didn’t cherish you. He was more concerned about his sexual needs than he was about piling more regrets upon you later –too bad for your feelings, as long as he’s satisfied sexually. What does that tell you about the future and the importance he will hold in satisfying his own needs over yours? That’s not a good man –it’s a self-centered one. He’s also not a man after God’s heart. He showed you that he cares more about his needs, than what God wants for you and for him. He does not have good spiritual integrity or moral integrity. No matter what your past is, if this was a good man, he would look at the standards you are now holding true to, and would admire that, rather than leave you with a broken heart. I’m SO sorry that he did this to you and put you into this confusion. That’s from the enemy of our faith. God doesn’t hold your past against you and loves you all the more for your present standards.

      Please, please, please release him as best you can from your mind. Work hard on it. All that you think he could have been for you –quit nursing it and rehearsing it, release it every time it and he comes to mind. He isn’t worth it. I can easily predict that he would have brought you more eventual heartache than you have now. He didn’t cherish you and as a result, he would probably trash you and your feelings in the future.

      As for the “what if’s” …you can drive yourself crazy with that. That’s another spirit crusher. And it will keep you prisoner every time you entertain those thoughts in your mind. You’ve GOT to keep throwing those thoughts out before they even have a chance to grab hold. When they first pop into your mind, throw them out as junk mail. If you have to throw them out a hundred times in 5 minutes, do so until they stay out. Jesus did that when tempted, and so should you. We’re told in God’s Word that we are to “destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God and take every thought captive to obey Christ.” (2 Corinthians 10:8 ESV)

      Find something else more worthy to put into your mind in substitute, to think about, after you throw the garbage thoughts out. In Philippians 4:8-9 (my life verses) we’re told “Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable –if anything is excellent or praiseworthy –think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me –put it into practice, and the God of peace will be with you.” God’s peace DOES come as we do this, guaranteed!

      And lastly, keep in mind that most of us have things that we regret BIG TIME! Think of the Apostle Paul… he beat Christians up and was responsible for killing Steven and such. He horribly persecuted God’s people. You talk about big regrets! But we can take note of his life. He didn’t allow his past transgressions and the “if only’s” to drag him away from doing God’s present will. He pressed on. And you need to do that too. Paul, through the inspiration of God wrote the following testimony of his life and the challenge to ours: “Not that I’ve already obtained this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: FORGETTING WHAT IS BEHIND and STRAINING TOWARD what is ahead I PRESS ON toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ.” (Philippians 3:12-14)

      I love how the Living Bible has it phrased, “I don’t mean to say I am perfect. I haven’t learned all I should even yet, but I keep working toward that day when I will finally be all that Christ saved me for and wants me to be. No, I am still not all I should be, but I am bringing all my energies to bear on this one thing: forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I strain to reach the end of the race and receive the prize for which God is calling us up to heaven because of what Christ Jesus did for us.” THAT is the challenge for you and for me. What is past is past. We can’t live there in our regrets. We can’t change any of that. But what we can do is live for Christ now –whether it turns out as we would have hoped or not.

      If the right man comes along, he will cherish your heart and your desire to live for the Lord despite your past. If he doesn’t, then he’s not the man for you. He doesn’t have the strength of character to be for you what God would want you to have in a bridegroom. In the meantime, never stop living for God, pressing on to be all He created you to be, and allow Christ Jesus to be your Bridegroom. I hope you will. I pray God gives you the strength to do so. You are my sister in Christ and I am proud of you. And God is too! And that’s what’s most important. You minister to HIS heart when you turn from sin and live for Him.

  3. Michael says:

    (CANADA) I have some further reflections (this is very much something that I often think about and am slowly working my way through):
    There’s a danger that I’ve noticed in myself – in thinking that my wife’s virginity is/was the ‘prize’ I should have received in marriage, instead of my wife herself. I really do not want to downplay and rationalize away the great harm that people do when they have sex outside marriage, especially with people who they don’t eventually marry (although I am also certain that people who do eventually marry but have premarital sex also harm themselves). Our virginity is the sign of the gift of ourselves that we give our spouse. When we give it to someone else who doesn’t deserve it (by making a full marital commitment to us), we tarnish the gift – to use another analogy, we ‘unwrap the gift’, and then hope that it won’t appear used when we eventually do give it to our spouse. When I look at how my wife’s teenage fornication has affected us over these many years, I see my own weakness to look through her actions and see her as the gift God intended for me – it’s very difficult, no doubt owing to my own sin, to look beyond her very specific sins that harmed me/her/us.

    There’s a thirst in me for justice – I want to confront the guy who did this. Yet, I know that she willingly chose that relationship and the actions that went with it, until she came to her senses (finally mustered her will-power) to forego all others until I came along. If she agreed to those actions, how can I hold him (who didn’t have any kind of faith formation) to a higher standard? I also fear that if we all just take the approach that all past sins should be (easily) forgiven, that we risk creating/fostering a culture where these sins remain prevalent. Kids should know, from an appropriately-young age, that their virginity is a unique expression of the gift of themselves to their spouses – and that to give it to someone else for any short-term, selfish reason will (should, at least) come back to haunt them. I don’t think that anyone should assume that a future spouse will automatically be able to let it go (after all, isn’t this exactly what our lazy, low-morality culture is asking of us? Don’t we want things to be different, and not just expect our loved ones to take responsibility for the pain of our sins?). Just some thoughts.

  4. Prosper says:

    (ZIMBABWE) I was in love with a certain girls for more than 7 years from high school. We had sex several times and I really loved the girl at that time. The problem is the parents did not approve of me as I drank beer. The girl seemed to love me, but was not so sure if it was pure love or the love of money as she was from a poor background.

    The way she liked sex also depicted the actions of a purely commercial sex worker. She never refused any time I wanted it. She later on dumped me for someone who was maybe better than me financially and education-wise. We had sex several times after the seperation until the new boyfriend suspected that there was something wrong. I got the phone numbers of the boyfriend and told him several times that the woman was a whore. I really feel bad about that as they later on got married. I wonder what the husband thinks about that now.

    I wish I could apologise to her. Right now I have strong feelings that if we meet we can still engage in sex and I know she will accept. What can I do, should I cut all communication with her?

    • Cindy Wright says:

      Prosper, You need to stay away from that woman. She is married –she is someone else’s, and temptation will be too easy to give into (as you’ve already acknowledged). I believe these “strong feelings” are given to you by God to tell you to “flee temptation” and to warn you not to go there. If you do, there could be GREAT regret and consequences on many levels. You are blessed that God did this for you. Don’t ignore His gift.

      We all go through times when those we were involved with in our past come to mind. We become curious about this or that. But curiosity can be a killer. I’ve seen it happen over and over and over again where those who are curious and those who want to revisit with lovers of the past “innocently” end up stirring up feelings and actions that can be and often are dangerous. I believe it’s best to say a prayer for them and put our mind on other matters, and move on. We’re told in Philippians 4:13-14 that it’s a good thing to forget “what is behind” and instead strain “toward what is ahead” to “press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called” us.

      With this woman, ask God for your forgiveness in what you did to her and ask Him to work on her to help to heal whatever hurt you have caused. God is VERY capable of doing that. He doesn’t need your help, unless He personally tells you to do this (which I would doubt because of the nature of your past together). If you contact her, not only would you be putting yourself in the way of temptation, you could complicate her life in other ways too. Personally, I wouldn’t want a past girlfriend of my husband’s to contact and meet with him to “apologize” for any reason. And this husband may very well feel the same. It would be better to pray for her and pray for her husband and let GOD work in both of their lives, and then you go in a different direction, living a pure life, being a “man after God’s own heart” –which truly IS your calling. I hope this helps, and I hope you will NOT contact this woman or go to a place where you could meet her. I pray God gives you the strength to let her live her life and you live yours.

  5. David from United States says:

    I am currently dating a Christian woman and we have both agreed that we will not be intimate before marriage. The problem is she says she’s having problems with that because she doesn’t want to be with someone that she’s not sexually compatible with. My take is that if we love each other then we already are compatible but she doesn’t agree. I don’t separate intimacy from love and so I’m now wondering if she’s the right one. Can someone shed some light on this? I care for her and actually love her. She has such a great heart and loves God but this scares me when she’s so worried about being sexually compatible. -David

    • Steve Wright from United States says:

      David, You have reason to be concerned. If you both “agreed” to not be intimate before marriage then that means you BOTH agreed to it. I’m assuming that decision was based on wanting to honor God. I believe she knows that having sex before marriage is what the Bible calls, “fornication” and that is what the Bible also calls sin. People who love God usually don’t intentionally go against His Word.

      Compatibility is important, but it is also learned over the course of time. No couple is completely compatible before marriage. It takes work – especially in the bedroom. Ask yourself this question: If you were to have an accident and become paralyzed before you got married, do you think she’d still want to marry you knowing there was NO WAY you’d ever be compatible in the bedroom?

      Take the time before the wedding to work on compatibility issues outside the bedroom (how to handle finances, in-law relationships, dealing with conflict in healthy ways, etc.) because while what happens in the bedroom is important – when you add up all the time you’ll be in there making love – it’s the smallest amount of time you’ll spend in your life together as a married couple.

      I want to strongly advise that the two of you get into some pre-marriage counseling to discuss the important topics like the ones I mentioned above because I can assure you they have the potential to sabotage your marriage if you don’t learn now how to deal with them in a God-honoring way.

  6. Kapil from India says:

    We have been married for 8 years now and have two children. We had an arranged marriage. When I got engaged with my wife, we came quite close and we used to talk quite freely. I asked her about her having any past relationships. Initially, she denied, but later she accepted that she had a boyfriend in office, but he was more of her friend and they broke of the relation completely a year back. I trusted her and we had very wonderful life.

    Now a month back one other colleague from her office joined the company where I am working. Unaware of who I am, he told me stories about my wife along with her ex bf. I was stunned to hear that. Same day, I asked my wife about it and told her colleague’s name. She actually fainted when I asked her about this.

    Later that night, she admitted to having a relationship with a guy for 2 years. She told that the used to have sex very regularly and during my intorrogation, I came to know that, there is nothing in terms of sex they have not done. Everything I asked, the answer was yes.

    She later tried to convince me a lot saying that, it was her mistake to give her body to that guy. He was not a good boy that’s why they broke off and all such excuses. I have also shown her that, I am convinced with her story and it is ok for me.

    But in the back of my mind, I am very badly hurt. I was a virgin before marriage and expected my wife to be the same or at least tell me the truth before marriage. I feel like, I have been fooled by a person whom I trusted most…

    Now every time we become intimate, I feel nervous and imagine that she has already done this with the other man first and I am second to have this experience. In my dreams, I see the guy laughing at me for having a used woman as my spouse.

    I am not able to overcome the thoughts of being number 2… I feel insulted. I can’t concentrate on work or on my family life. Please help me God!

  7. Seth from India says:

    I’ve been experiencing one of the most terrible situation ever in my life. I feel embarrassed to share this. I shamed God, and disobeyed God. This is too hard for me. I really need your prayer and advice. Thank you. Well, this is how it goes. As we are human beings, there are times we cannot escape from the temptation. I’ve been growing up as a good boy since my childhood through my parents guidance. (My parents eloped, they didn’t get married.) So as and eldest son of the family they want me to have a Holy marriage. My parents keep on teaching me, “don’t let the devil overcome you with sexual things until you get married.” They told me to stay away from girls, otherwise I might fall into temptation. And I did follow their instructions.

    After many years now, I’m away from my parents to earn for myself. Now here is the temptation: I stay with a cousin’s brother. Through him, I came to stay with his cousin’s sister again. (She is a married woman who got divorced from her husband a few years back.) She is much, much older than me. Well, we three of us slept together like brothers and sisters. I felt nothing for her. After a few months she started to like me. She said, I’ve been honest, and faithful with everything. After that she said she started to love me and started to hug me while sleeping. Weird things happened; she started to kiss me. I then avoided her. After few days, I allowed her to kiss me, which is stupid and foolish of me.

    Days passed by like that, and she started touching my body and getting me to have sexual feelings. I began to avoid her. But after a while, I couldn’t avoid her anymore. When she started to smooch, I got high. I then had sex with her, even though she is not my girlfriend or wife. I didn’t love her with such feelings, but as my sister. I’ve been very stupid.

    Now I feel like, Oh My God, what have I done? Help me!! I didn’t want to do this. Please know that. Now I’m so scared of what God might do to me. I began thinking of what my parents reactions would be if they came to know about this after having such a great future hope on me. I feel like crying but tears won’t come out. Now I don’t know what to do, what to say. I have no peace in my life. Tension is all over my mind. I can’t even work in the office peacefully. My mind is getting so dull. Please help me. How can I get relief?

    *Lastly, I want to post some questions. Please answer me without hesitation:
    – Will God ever forgive me for this mistake?
    -As I came across some articles of which I can regain my virginity and purity, can I still fulfill my parent’s hope on marriage after making such mistakes (after regaining purity)? If so, how can I regain it?

    I heard God punishes those getting married after they have sex before marriage; I’m afraid. And also, it doesn’t meant that I am going to marry that girl because she’s just a sister to me. And also she just wanted to have sex with me, not as a boyfriend or such. I’ve been very very stupid. And also she said I can marry any girl I like. Sometimes it makes me confused a lot when I broke my own hope.

    -Can I really live a beautiful and blessed life ever after marrying another girl?
    If not, I am getting scared day by day thinking God is gonna punish me.

    Please advice. And I really need your prayer. Thank you for reading. God bless you.

    • Steve Wright from United States says:

      Seth, You are at a crossroads in your life and your spiritual walk with Christ. You have realized that your actions were sinful; you’re remorseful for your behavior, and you’re compelled to make things “right” and to live a righteous life going forward. I believe you understand you allowed yourself to be in the place that set yourself up to fall into sexual temptation, first, and then sexual sin, second. You see temptation isn’t sin. It’s when we give into the temptation that sin occurs. Let’s face it, if you had never gotten in bed with those women this would never have happened. And I hope you’ve learned a valuable lesson – one that will never be repeated again.

      Seth, I can assure you that if you came to God through Jesus Christ asking for His forgiveness -HE HAS FORGIVEN YOU! The guilt you continue to feel is what the enemy of our faith tries to heap on us to get us believe that God “could never forgive a sin like that.” Remember, Satan is a deceiver and a liar. The Bible is very clear that if we confess our sin God is faithful and just to forgive us and cleanse us from ALL unrighteousness (1 John 1:9). Notice it doesn’t say “some” unrighteousness, but “all” unrighteousness. God doesn’t place any conditions on what kinds of sin He forgives us of. Something else Scripture teaches us is that once we’ve confessed our sin to God and He’s forgiven us -He forgets it. (See Isaiah 43:25)

      We have to remember that as humans we will sin -it’s part of our nature. That’s why God gave us a Savior (Jesus Christ); because He knew we could never go through this life and live it in a way where we would be free of all sin and be able to get into heaven. Without Christ we would be doomed (even damned) to live a life of unforgiveness. But it gets better. Not only does Christ forgive, but He also gives us the power to turn from our sin and to live victoriously. And then, if we do slip-up and sin again, He’s right there to forgive us again and help us start all over again.

      Another step for you, Seth, may be to go to the woman you had sex with and ask for her forgiveness. God may be prompting you to take this step in order to really seal it in your mind the damage pre-marital sex can have in a persons life. If you do this, don’t go expecting her to also ask your forgiveness. It would be wonderful if she did, but don’t expect it. All you can do is ask her for forgiveness for the part you played in this act.

      Yes, you can live a life of secondary virginity and you CAN remain pure until your wedding night, but it’s going to be up to you to set boundaries so that you don’t ever fall into the sexual traps the enemy will lay out for you. You can find some very helpful articles on our web site to prepare yourself for this battle. Go into the “Sex Before Marriage” topic and read the articles that can help you establish proper boundaries. Then, go into the Links and Resources in that topic and you’ll see a web site called, apuregeneration.com/blog, which is for young people like yourself to help you stay pure. Also, Boundaries.org is a good one for all aspects of single life, including purity.

      You can also find some helpful articles and resource links in the topic, “Single Yet Preparing.” This topic can help you find the answers to your question, “Can I really live a beautiful and blessed life after marrying another girl?” The answer is simple: YES! But, it will take a lot of work, both in preparing for marriage and then after the wedding.

      As for your parents, it is not imperative to confess this to them. But be prepared, as they may find out. If they do that’s when you can tell them that this has forever changed you in that you have become painfully aware of your own sinful nature and that you have confessed your sin to God asking His forgiveness. Beyond that, say that you have asked Jesus to help you to never fall into that temptation again and your are doing things/putting things in place in your life so that you won’t fall victim to Satan’s temptation again.

      Seth, you have tasted the pleasures of sex, and as a man it will be extremely difficult for you to put that behind you and live a life of secondary virginity. Please, please, please don’t ever allow yourself to even get “close to the line” of being tempted to do it again. Build your defenses NOW. Set your boundaries NOW. You know your weak areas, so make up your mind that you will stay pure, no matter what temptation comes your way. If you have a way to get the book, Every Man’s Battle written by Steve Arterburn and Fred Stoeker, by all means get it and read it. I’m not sure what resources are available to you in India. It is probably available at Amazon where you could download it to a Kindle or Tablet.

      I’m praying for great victory in your life so that 10 years from now you will be able to look back and have the testimony of what God has done in your life to be a man of integrity. Blessings! ~Steve Wright

      • Seth from India says:

        Dear Steve, Thank you. Thank you so much for the encouraging words. Yes, that was all my fault. Caring but disobeying my parents. Now God has really open my eyes which makes my mind and hearts full of fears thinking of what He’s really gonna do to me. But I prayed for forgiveness still. And I will still continue to pray. I really do believe that He will surely forgive me.

        Again, I really don’t know how to express this feelings of happiness when I read those encouraging words. But Steve, you are the one that God has send to teach me. May God bless you more in your life. I am gonna be stronger and wiser because of all your prayer. And do continue to help people more. And also I want to pass on this message of yours in the days to come.

        Once again, thank you Cindy. Thank you Steve. Thank you all very much. This is all I can say. Please do continue to pray for me. And Like as you say, one day I will surely share the testimony of God’s blessings after all this struggle. May God bless you all. ~Seth

        • Steve Wright from United States says:

          Thanks Seth, We really appreciate your affirmation. We pray the Lord guides you, helps you to save yourself from this day forward for your future wife, and blesses you as you look to Him to continually guide you.

  8. Jake from United States says:

    I am 17 years old. I think I have made a worst decision in my whole life. The one I regret the most. The temptation was too great and I fell for it. I can’t believe I did this. I just think that I was saved 3 years ago. I need help now turning back to God and facing what I have done. Also, I need help now to convince my girlfriend to turn to God. Please help me.

    • Steve Wright from United States says:

      Hi, Jake. I am so glad you reached out and found our web site and left this post. I know what you’re going through – guilt, shame, and the feeling there is no way God could ever forgive you and restore you because of what you’ve done. The first thing I want you to know is that those thoughts are lies that come from the devil. Satan’s sole purpose is to keep you from reaching out to God for forgiveness and restoration…he knows that if he can keep you from going to God for help he can keep you from having a testimony of the complete healing and forgiveness that God wants to give you through Jesus.

      There isn’t anything we can do that God isn’t willing to forgive. Yes, you sinned, but we are ALL sinners. But the fact that you sought out help on the Internet and came to this article shows that your heart is still tender and you are searching for grace and mercy. I can assure you that all God wants from you is for you to confess your sin to Him and be willing to turn from it and as it says in 1 John 1:9, “…He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to purify us from all unrighteousness.” Notice there are no “conditions” placed on what He forgives. It doesn’t say, “I will purify them from everything but sexual sin…” It says ALL UNRIGHTEOUSNESS.

      I suggest you spend some time with your Bible and either look in the concordance in the back of your Bible or look up the terms “mercy,” “grace,” and “forgiveness” on the Internet and start reading all the verses in the Bible that talk about those precious gifts God gives to us over, and over, and over, and over, and over…AGAIN. We can never exhaust His forgiveness.

      I also suggest when you have settled this with God you write in the margin of your Bible next to the passage 1 John 1:9 the date and time you asked God and then proclaim “I accept your gift of forgiveness Lord! And with you’re help I will never allow myself to fall into this sin again!” When you write it there it will always serve as a reminder of what God did and what you did. Then, when satan tries to get you to believe that God didn’t forgive you, open your Bible and read the verse out loud and tell the devil to “Be gone in the name of Jesus whose blood cleansed me from my sin and helps me every day to live my life in purity.” The devil hates the blood of Christ and will flee.

      The next thing you need to do is go to the girl and ask for her forgiveness. Tell her about your relationship with God and what you have done to get His forgiveness and take a pledge of purity. She may not be able to accept that. It is NOT your job to convince her; but it is your job to share with her what you have done to rectify the wrong you committed.

      You also need to find a youth pastor (if you don’t already have one) whom you trust that you can share honestly with him what happened and what you have done to make things right with God. But you need someone who can hold you accountable and can challenge you in your study of the Bible to make it the platform you build your life on because it is the only foundation that is sure and steady that you can depend on.

      I would also like to challenge you to maybe start/lead a Bible study on “Teen Purity” or “Sexual Purity” with a group of your peers who are also Christ followers like yourself. I Googled Teen Purity and found there are a number of Bible studies already available in a free download. If nothing else, download and go through it yourself because I can promise you the temptation WILL come again. And if you don’t know why you shouldn’t give in BEFORE the temptation comes, you will have a hard time not giving in – again.

      Jake, don’t wait! Go to God now so you don’t have to live one more second in guilt and shame. But then, do your part to correct the wrong and to strengthen yourself through God’s word to prepare yourself for the testing and trials that will come in the future.

      Lastly, I want to remind you that trials and temptations do come from the devil…BUT…rather than fear them look at them as something God has allowed as a way to develop greater character and to demonstrate that “His power is greater than any temptation that can come your way…and that He will provide a way of escape.”

      Blessings to you, my young brother in Christ! May this be the day, the hour and the moment when you fully surrender that area of your life where you know you are the weakest and just watch what God can do through you! -Steve Wright, Marriage Missions

  9. Grant from United States says:

    Hi, I have recently been struggling in my thought life recently. My girlfriend, who I expect to marry, did not save sex for marriage. She was going through a very rough time in her life. I have empathy and compassion for her and I show her a love that Christ has shown me. We have stumbled before and she claims that I’m the best that she has ever had. Something inside of me tells me that I’m still not good enough. She has slept with 10+ people, often under the influence of drugs and alcohol.

    I understand that she cannot change her past. I was hoping to get advice to how I personally can heal knowing that she has a past and how I can feel that she really wants to be with me and not any other guy. I have a hard time believing it when she says it. I was also hoping that I could get advice that I could share with her in helping her heal from her past. I have forgiven her over and over. I’m not mad at her even a bit, but I feel upset and hurt that she didn’t wait for me. She can become mad at herself sometimes but we both do not want her past to come between our relationship. Thank you for your time and I will really appreciate any advice that I can get. I want to feel like I’m enough for her along with being healed in this area for the both of us. Thank you.

  10. Grant from United States says:

    Hi, I have recently been struggling in my thought life. My girlfriend, who I expect to marry, did not save sex for marriage, she was going through a very rough time in her life. I have empathy and compassion for her and I show her a love that Christ has shown me. We have stumbled before and she claims that I am the best that she has ever had. Something inside of me tells me that I am still not good enough, she has slept with 10+ people, often under the influence of drugs and alcohol. I understand that she can not change her past. I was hoping to get advice to how I personally can heal knowing that she has a past and how I can feel that she really wants to be with me and not any other guy, I have a hard time believing it when she says it. I was also hoping that I could get advice that I could share with her in helping her heal from her past. I have forgiven her over and over, I am not mad at her even a bit, but I feel upset and hurt that she didn’t wait for me. She can become mad at herself sometimes but we both do not want her past to come between our relationship. Thank you for your time and I will really appreciate any advice that I can get. I want to feel like I am enough for her along with being healed in this area for the both of us. Thank you.

  11. Kelly from Australia says:

    Thanks for this article. I’ve just come out of a relationship where I was naive, and was taken advantage of, sexually. The last month I’ve been plagued with memories of our encounters. I have confessed to our amazing God, who I know has forgiven me. I have felt so weak. Your article has given me light and I again come humbly before Jesus confessing these memories.

  12. Kelly from Australia says:

    After reading your article and spending time with the Lord today, laying down the deeds, thoughts and memories of this relationship, with many tears… I look back in thankfulness where the Lord moved to protect me. I’m thankful that this relationship/affair wasn’t consummated (there are reasons, which I won’t divulge).

    I know now why the Lord has said to keep the fleshly desires of the heart in check, for they can destroy… He has lead me through a time of grace. The relationship ended with physical bruises, as well as emotional scars… A phrase that has been echoing through my heart “He has traded beauty for ashes.”

  13. Kelly from Ghana says:

    I have a big problem and no matter how I try it keeps eating me up. I was a Christian who upheld her Christian values since childhood. In fact I was a good girl and refrained from all sexual immortalities. Then I started dating. I kept it clean from scratch but my boyfriend was really naughty and I started losing my balance since I loved him. I thought it would all be fine but before I could realize it he broke my virginity after my 18th birthday. It was quite by force.

    I felt so low and heartbroken disrespecting God. I was scared of what my family and friends would say because I used to talk against sex before marriage; they thought I would even be a nun. I asked God for forgiveness and pretended like nothing had happened till I found myself in his bed again and a couple of times (I know I am stupid and regret it). We broke up 2 yrs later.

    I lie to everyone saying I am still a virgin even my previous boyfriend who happened to be as bad as the first. I swear I didn’t mean it to happen but we had sex (I don’t know if he still believed me or not). We broke up later and he said he doesn’t want to get committed, really breaking my heart. It also hurt to see the second person who has had a taste of me go away. I feel so used and so unworthy of God’s love. I can’t get over him but am trying. I have repented so many times but I don’t even believe in myself anymore coz I keep going back.

    Right now I am single to at least help me abstain. But please, I need help to tell God how truly sorry I am. I wish I could turn back the hands of time and go back to when I was a virgin and a Christian. I love God and am so sorry. I feel sorry for myself too. What can I offer my future husband now? I can’t even talk to my friends about abstaining coz that would make me a hypocrite since I am not a virgin. I feel useless and I need God to tell me he still loves me and would use me for his works. Help me please.

    • Cindy Wright from United States says:

      Kelly, Please know that when we “confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” That’s what God tells us in His word, the Bible. You have confessed with a sincere heart. Now stand upon what He promises and accept His forgiveness. He will not hold this against you. It’s like what Jesus told the woman at the well, “Now go, and sin no more.”

      What can you offer your future husband now, you ask? You can offer him your love and devotion and a sincere heart. Please read through the “Sex Before Marriage” topic to learn how to better stay out of the way of temptation. And then when you DO find someone that you are getting serious about, make sure you are honest with him. If he can’t fully trust and honor you, despite your past sin, then he won’t honor you after marriage.

      Yes, you gave away a wonderful gift, but you have other wonderful gifts to still give your husband. God accepts, loves, and believes the best in you… so take that gift and hold up your head and know that a man who is worthy of your love, will accept and honor you, as well. I pray the best for you Kelly. I hope also, that you forgive yourself and put boundaries up so you don’t find yourself in the same place again. If a man wants to take this part of you without marrying you first, he is using you for his own selfish motives. Honor God and respect yourself enough not to let this happen again. Save the rest of yourself for your husband. It will be worth it, I assure you.

  14. Jenn from United States says:

    Hello, I have A question. My boyfriend and I have unfortunately fallen into this struggle. We’re now on a break and keeping distance between us in order to seek after the Lord. We have accountability partners now and decided we need the Lord first and foremost. I’ve heard that it’s best we make this break permanent but is it possible for the Lord to heal and restore a relationship after sin like this? I know in marriage you make an effort to make it work but does it apply here too or should we just give up and move on? This is tough but I’d appreciate some advice.

    • Cindy Wright from United States says:

      Jenn, I’m so sorry that you find yourself in this place. The pull of temptation is so very strong and sometimes we can be so weak (as you know). But I’m proud of you that you have woken up and stopped doing what you know you shouldn’t before marrying. You stopped, confessed, prayed, got accountability partners, and are doing what you can to do what is right. Truly, that is commendable.

      As far as your relationship with your boyfriend, I don’t know if you should continue on. I don’t know how healthy your relationship is with each other. But the fact that you both are in agreement to stop having sex together shows some real strength of character. It’s more difficult sometimes to stop doing something after you already have. And yet you’re both doing it. I’m proud of you both.

      There is no reason for you not to continue dating each other, unless it’s a bad relationship in itself, apart from the temptation you fell into. God forgives us when we ask for Him to do so. He remembers it no more and doesn’t hold it against us, according to the Bible. As Jesus told the woman at the well, “go and sin no more.” And that was that. That’s all He required of her and that’s all He requires of you.

      One of the good things is that now that you have stopped “getting to know each other” physically (something that we are blessed to do after marrying, but not before), you can now put your efforts into getting to know each other in different ways, as you should. You need to know how good you are at working through problems together and enjoying life together and such. The fact that you have gotten to this place of stopping each other sexually shows that you have SOME good skills in working together. Decide together if you WANT to continue growing your relationship and finding out more about whether you are good together or not. And if so, please know that God would definitely give His approval –as long as He is put into the center of your relationship, from this day forward.

      I pray for you both and wish you well. “And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ –to the glory and praise of God.” (Philippians 1:9-11)

  15. MARITZA from Australia says:

    I am a widowed woman, in love with a man. In the future we wish to marry. Sadly we already have had sexual relations. I am a christian and cannot live with myself. My partner is a non-christian and sees sex as a normal activity before marriage. I would like to hear peoples views on this matter. Kind Regards, Maritza

    • Cindy Wright from United States says:

      Oh Maritza, bless your heart! I so grieve with you because I sense the deep pain you are experiencing in all of this. How I wish I could say that you can go forth, with blessing, to marry this man and “live happily ever after.” But deep down, I believe you know that this cannot be so. You are a Christian, which means that you have committed yourself to be a follower of Christ. Can you imagine Jesus giving you His blessing with your involvement with this man, and then blessing you after you marry him, when he isn’t united with you and God in this commitment?

      I can see how you can go down this route. Loneliness can lead us places we never thought we would go before. But please don’t allow yourself to believe the lie that because you hurt so badly and want companionship so badly, solutions to do that which you should not, are acceptable. They are not.

      I urge you to please break off this relationship. You know deep inside that it is wrong, and as long as you keep growing it, you will grow more and more miserable. You already said, “I cannot live with myself” concerning this matter. What makes you think that if you continue down this road, it will lead to a better one? It won’t. With all the love for you as a Christian sister, I urge you to turn from this relationship, reinvest in your relationship with the Lord (He will forgive you for your sins when you ask Him, and love you back), and look for other healthier ways to curb your loneliness. If you don’t, I’m afraid that you will be even more haunted by the wrongs of this type of life, and will be even more miserable.

      I pray for you Maritza –Please know that my heart goes out to you and my prayers go out for you. I pray the Lord helps you, guides you, comforts you, speaks to you, and works in and through you in this situation. I also pray God infuses hope into your heart that you will eventually experience better days –ones that will bring a smile to your heart. “May the Lord direct your heart into God’s love and Christ’s perseverance.” (2 Thessalonians 3:5)

      “And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ –to the glory and praise of God.” (Philippians 1:9-11)

  16. Gina from Namibia says:

    Like any other girl, I was a commited prayerful woman. I love God and have been shaped by his standards. I hated sin and everything with it. It’s until then in my 26 years, I kept my virginity, I told myself. This is the only gift I will give my husband the day he will marry me.

    Little that I know. I met this guy who loves me, and wants to marry me. He goes to church but the only problem with him is fornication to him is not a sin because he’s sleeping with whoever he calls his, but adultery to him is a sin. I kept teaching him, especially in presexual sin, but all was in vain.

    Yes, I love him but unfortunately we found ourselves having sex together. After that I cried deep because I brought shame to God. I found myself worthless, full of guilt because of what I did. I then asked for forgiveness but my Christian life had become weak. Since we don’t stay in the same city, whenever I go to his city we always end up having sex together, and ask for forgiveness here and there, which I think it’s of no use since we are both weak.

    We then agreed to stay completely far away although in a relationship, as for my part I have repented although to him fornication is not a sin as long as he is doing it to the person he is going to marry, something that I still have a fear of that that we might again find ourselves doing it the day we are going to meet since he has power to do so.

    One more concern I have is I know very well that this guy truly loves me, and I love him equally. Our relationship is at peace. We pray and fast together, apart from him getting a wrong concept of fornication. Yes, we’re planning to get married but then I’m left with two decisions, should I leave him because of his fornication and wait until it is the right time for marriage? I’m not sure how his reaction will be to this though, or should I stay in a relationship and live far away from each other as agreed?

    One more thing that is worrying me is my virginity I gave him. If I marry a different person, I’m not sure if I will enjoy him sexually as I might just keep on comparing him. Since I gave him this gift, I think I’ll be more ashamed and full of guilty on the day of my wedding if I am to marry a different person apart from him.

    But my question is, even after repentance and we happen to marry each other, will God forgive us for having sex before marriage? Will we enjoy our marriage? Will our marriage be blessed? I want to live a pleasing life to God.

    • Cindy Wright from United States says:

      Gina, As I read your comment, I feel so moved to write to you. You are right in saying that we can’t take back past mistakes. What we did, we did. But that doesn’t mean we have to continually carry the pain of it all, when we give it to God in honest confession, and lean upon changing our behavior in the future. Please reread through this article, and all of the linked articles within it, and prayerfully glean through, take in, and apply what you believe God wants to say to you. I sense that God is waiting to give you mercy and grace if you will embrace His gift to you.

      As for your relationship with this guy, I can’t tell you if you should break up with him or not. I don’t know him. But please don’t marry him if you have ANY thoughts that would make you think that he would not be faithful to you, if you married. And please don’t marry him if you think that you should because you had sex with him. Yes, you shouldn’t have given him this gift, but that doesn’t seal your fate, as far as marrying him. ONLY marry him, if you believe you would both be good marriage partners, committed to God and to each other –working through whatever obstacles come your way… facing and dealing with them instead of letting them come between you.

      As for God forgiving you… of course He will. We’re told that throughout the Bible that when we come to Him, He forgives us. He also can bring redemption out of the ashes of what is left behind. You can see that in Christie Mohamed’s testimony (linked to this article), where she has been able to help others deal with this issue.

      Also, please don’t keep looking into the future as far as carrying the memories of what you have done into marriage, either with this guy or another (if you break up with this guy and marry another in the future). Lean into God to carry your memories, and to help you if this is ever the case. I’ve had a tough past, where I have some memories that have haunted me. But I can tell you that God has faithfully helped me to leave the past behind, as the past, and instead enjoy what God has blessed me with today. As I have leaned into Him, praying and committing it all to the Lord, I am no longer haunted. I believe the same can be true for you.

      So don’t borrow tomorrow’s problems, and carry them into today. Deal what is in front of you today… figuring out if you and this guy should keep seeing each other. And if you do, you need to figure out how you will stay out of the grab of temptation. Something that may help you is if you go into the web site at http://www.boundless.org. “Boundless is a community for Christian young adults who want to grow up, own their faith, date with purpose, and prepare for marriage and family.” I believe you will find additional answers to some of your questions. After going through the linked articles within this one, if you go to the Boundless web site and go into the “Relationships” topic and then into “Sexuality” within it. You will find a number of articles dealing with forgiving yourself, putting up boundaries sexually before marriage and such. Please prayerfully glean through the articles that the Holy Spirit shows you. Read them and apply whatever God shows you to do. I’m sure this will help you now and in the future. I pray it will as you lean upon our loving, forgiving, merciful, gracious God. May God bless you, Gina, in this quest to live, as He would have you.

Marriage Missions International