They talk a lot about using “protection” when you have sexual relations with someone (other than your spouse). But what if you are haunted by thoughts of your past? As someone (unknown) once said,
“There is no condom for the brain or the heart. So when you have sex before marriage you’re playing with fire that will most likely burn you at some point in your life… especially in your marriage relationship.”
And tragically a lot of couples are finding this to be true. How do you erase the memories you have of having sex with someone else? And how do you stop playing “the comparison game” when you are making love with your spouse? Plus, how do you deal with the guilt when you realize that you have violated God’s standards?
When you confess and ask the Lord for forgiveness, “God is faithful and just to forgive us and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness,“ but then there’s the matter of forgiving yourself and moving on in life past it. Premarital sex is sin and sin causes problems.
As Brian and Heather Jamison said:
“Premarital sex wounds the sanctity of a heart and, left untreated, can scar a marriage for a lifetime. We speak from experience; our relationship began with a fall. And we have the scars to prove it.”
Brian and Heather have learned a lot that has helped them to deal with this issue. They share what they learned plus the “Four Keys to Reclaiming Intimacy” in the linked article below. I encourage you to read:
“It’s true, you can’t get your virginity back. You’ll never be the person you once were. You can, however, be stronger and wiser than you were before, and more able to resist what you know is wrong.”
The above statement came from Laurel L. Cornell. She knows only too well, how a person can be haunted with memories after having had sex before marriage. But as she says, you can become wiser than before. You can also be stronger than you ever could imagine at this time.
She wrote an article that is posted on the Marriagetrac.com web site that addresses those who are married and those who are not yet married. It is written to women who want to feel clean again and not plagued by feelings and images of the past they want to forget.
I encourage you to read:
On this same issue, below you will find a link to an article written by Christie Mohamed. Christie is a young gal who gives hope to those who have done things they now regret. Plus, she gives insight into ways to deal with it and experience freedom and forgiveness. Please read:
I know this is a lot to take in, as far as all of the reading I’m recommending you do. But please know that this is a journey you are on. It’s one that is different for everyone who has had to deal with this issue. I’m hoping that as you read you will glean from each article some things that God is speaking to you. I pray that you will gain some “ah hah moments” where you’ll think, “I never thought of that before… that really helps.”
The important thing is that you don’t get stuck in continuing to do that, which you know is wrong. Also, don’t get stuck in regrets. They will paralyze you in ways that will cause you NOT to go backwards in your spiritual growth.
To learn a bit more on this please read:
For those of you who are not married, here is something written by Dr Greg and Michael Smalley. It is posted on the Marriagetrac.com web site and is something that would be helpful to read:
• SEVEN STEPS TO REGAINING AND MAINTAINING VIRGINITY
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
If you have additional tips to help others, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
More from Marriage Missions
Filed under: Sex Before Marriage Sexual Issues
(USA) Hi there, I just wanted to get anyone’s advice. I am 26 yrs old, female, and I’ve never had sex. I’ve recently met a man who I am very interested in… who is the same age as myself…. however, he’s had about 15 sexual partners in his past (one of which is his ex-wife). I really feel this man and myself are extremely compatible in so many ways… but I feel bad that he did not save himself. I am not bothered by him having sex with his ex-wife…. obviously that’s fine as they were married. But all the women from his past trouble me. Most of the women he slept with were during his early college years (when he used to drink and such). After that time, he gave up drinking, drugs, etc… and decided to live a clean life. So for the past several years, he has been completely alcohol/drug free. He’s extremely kind, loving, and mature today… and I deeply admire him as a person. He doesn’t regret his past though, as he says it was necessary to shaping him as the person that he is today. He also was completely faithful to his ex-wife during the few years they were married, and only separated from her after she had affairs on him. Does anyone have any comments on this situation? Am I wrong to be disappointed that he isn’t a virgin as well? I wish things were different, but I haven’t decided whether this is a deal-breaker.
This man knows about my aversion to premarital sex, and if we actually did get into a relationship (theoretically)…. he wouldn’t ever push me to have sex before marriage with him. So that’s not a concern. The real issue here is my disappointment with his past. I’ve told him that I see premarital sex as not respecting the other person… but he doesn’t see it that way. He says he respects women very much (and his other actions do back that up). So I’m just confused.
(USA) Young lady, we can’t change the world and we can’t change the past of the people we love. The best thing you can do is be the best person you can be in this hopeful relationship, and appreciate the man he’s become since.
(USA) GD, Your boyfriend’s past sounds very very much like my own. Before becoming Christ’s, I drank frequently and had many “casual” sex partners, the last one being my wife (premarital, of course). She had led a similar life, although not as overt. The guilt and distrust on both sides took over ten years to get past, causing a very rough ten years.
My point is this: With that kind of life, I’m certain that your boyfriend did not simply quit “cold turkey”. Sex is a very powerful “drug”. Be VERY sure that he, too, has given it up, in honor of your decision to remain pure. If not, honor, trust, and respect can never thrive and grow in your marriage. The first step to that, of course, is to keep Christ in the center of your relationship: worship together, pray together, and study God’s Word together. It’s the only way. May God bless you and your boyfriend with many years of happinesss and love. Jeff
(UNITED STATES) his past dictates his present.There are too many fish to get involved with a shark.
(USA) Read what Romans 7; 1 Corinthians 7; and Jesus teachings in Matthew 5:32; Matthew 19:9; Mark 16:18 have to say. I definitely believe scripture teaches you’re headed for trouble with this guy, if not already in trouble with him by this point. Of course, if you believe this and heed my advice, then our time has been well invested. But if not, then maybe someone else will benefit by following God’s Word. I’ve never heard of a sensible person regretting to follow God’s word and commandments.
(AUSTRALIA) Hi GD, I sure hope I can give a bit of light on this subject with the love of our Lord and Saviour. Reason being it is also a very important subject to me for it affects your relationship with our Lord tremendously. Much more than we ever imagine because we need to find what sex means to the Lord. Sex in the eyes of the Lord is a covenant – refer to the bit of blood from a woman’s virginity, because every covenant is sealed with blood. See various examples in the Bible (I can give them to you if you’re interested).
Then one must look at the importance of a covenant compared to a contract or any other agreement. A covenant is so special and based on biblical principles with heavenly blessings. I can give more info if needed.
First I would like to explain your situation at the moment and if your purity and refraining from premarital sex means anything. Refraining from premarital sex is a biblical principle and something the Lord honours very much. Therefore I accept you being a saved child of God who would love to live according to God’s Word. Well then, you are a very special and blessed person to be able to keep yourself from premarital sex. The Lord will honour you for that so please don’t see it as missed opportunities or wasting time. Yes, the unsaved world will see it as a waste of time for they don’t understand Gods Word.
Now we look at your boyfriend’s situation. First you need to determine if he has committed his life to the Lord, because you don’t want to engage into a relationship with an unsaved person. An unsaved person will never understand the importance of your refraining from sex, for the Bible says it is foolishness to the world (the unsaved). If he is saved then God has forgiven all his transgressions and we’re not allowed to keep it against him, but unsaved you have no guarantee that he will stay true to you.
And I would like to emphasize that you have something special and you should share it with somebody special. Please accept this with the love of the Lord for He only wants a special life for you. See Jeremiah 29:11 for the thoughts the Lord has each one of us. Take care.
(USA) (USA) Hi GD, I’m not sure if you are still confused or seeking advice but I would like to commend you on being a virgin and give this comment. Your disappointment over your boyfriend’s past decisions is genuine. Anyone that has been strong enough to accept the wisdom of God and obey Him while denying themselves would probably not relate to why it would be so hard for someone else to do the same.
Please understand this is a void that can only be filled by unconditional love and forgiveness. If you are confused and disappointed now, in the future when any amount of pressure is added to this relationship this weak place will be affected. Since God has kept you this long and you do have some concerns about a commitment with this individual, your own questions confirm your doubts. "The blessing of the Lord, it maketh rich, and He addeth no sorrow with it."(Prov. 10:22)
You are a blessing for the husband that finds you, will this be a blessing to you? God has a plan for you, do you believe that this is it? If so you should have no regrets. God Bless,
Regretfully Yours.
(US) Chris, I recognize that I bring a very different perspective to this discussion, but I was struck by your comment that those who are "unsaved" will view the decision to wait until marriage as "foolishness." While you don’t say what you consider "saved," I almost certainly do not fall into that category and yet I have the utmost respect for G.D’s decision to wait for marriage. I believe sex is a beautiful and meaningful rite to be shared with someone that you honor and respect.
You make a similar distinction later, saying that if her boyfriend is not "saved" then he will not necessarily remain faithful.
With all due respect, I object to both statements. Although Christianity has a wonderful moral code, it is certainly possible for non-Christians to live similar lives–while not believing–just as it is possible for practicing Christians to violate that code. I think using the label of "saved" or "not saved" as a way of determining their beliefs and behavior is overly simplistic and offensive to those of us who choose to live moral lives, even as we choose to define our spiritual lives on our own terms.
(US) I must agree with you that the label “Christian” does not define our morality. A person who is not a Christian certainly can live a very moral life. And a person who claims the label “Christian” and regularly participates in religious activities can be entirely a-moral.
But there is a significant difference. Not a difference between those who claim to be a “Christian” and those who don’t make such a claim. Rather a difference between those who have a genuine relationship with the living God and those who do not.
We can never be perfect — no matter how moral we are. Every single person does wrong things. They lie, or they cheat, or they hate, or do any number of other wrong things. The Bible calls these things sin. How can an imperfect person expect to have a meaningful relationship with a perfect God? That person cannot, and should not.
Thus we come to the question of what “saved” means. We are not and can not be perfect. So we cannot earn our own way into Heaven. We cannot get “good enough” ourselves to approach the ultimately perfect God. But God loves us. He loves us so much that he looked at this sinful people and decided “I will provide them with what they cannot provide themselves. I will give them a way to reach me. I will clothe myself in a human body and pay the debt for their sin — so that they can have a realtionship with me. So that they can spend eternity in my kingdom, with me”. God SAVED us from our own imperfection — from the very real consequense of our sin.
Being “saved” does not make us perfect. We still do wrong things. But it does make us forgiven! Not anything to do with our own “goodness”…everything to do with God’s freely offered gift.
And that is much the point of some of what Chris said. God does not hold against us the sins we committed before we accepted His salvation that was offered through Jesus Christ. Likewise we should not hold these sins against a person.
There is another part though. People who have been saved, who are living a life marked by a relationship with God, understand the importance of doing what is right — not just because it is right but because God said it is right. You as a very moral person may intelectually agree that sex before marriage results in bad consequences and should be avoided. You may even view it as simply “wrong” and so to be avoided. But you cannot see it as “God told me not to, so I won’t because I sincerely want to please Him”.
I hope that someday you will find the salvation that God offers. He is reaching out to you, because He knows you cannot climb up to Him on your own. You can accept His salvation, or you can say “nope, I don’t need that” and reject Him. But if you reject Him, there is no other way to reach Him. There is no other way to have a relationship with God, and no other way to find the life He alone can give us.
I hope so much you accept what God offers, because the choice is an eternal one.
(USA) Mikey! That was a PERFECT answer. Your a big help. Thanks a lot!
(USA) I can understand completely. Although my husband and I have been together 15 years and married 12 of those years, I still feel bitterness towards him. If he could have looked in a magic ball and could see me in the future would he have changed things? Sadly enough, sometimes I wish I would not have been a virgin, then I probably wouldn’t feel this way. I often feel like he compares me to those other people he was been with. It doesn’t help that even though it’s been so long, it hurts that he lied to me about one person he had slept with. Am I ever going to get over this?
(US) My issue is different, and I really need some help. My husband recently delved into my past, and although he knew I had been with others before our marriage, he has found how many and found that he knew some of them. Now he has horrible images running through his head, and I am now considered a "whore". He seems to be going through what a woman goes through after being cheated on. I would love to find someone to talk to who has been through the same.
(USA) Hi Friend, I recently delved into my wifes past as well, and it has been 4 weeks of hell. But I am committed to her, our children and marriage. So I continue to work it through every day and by God’s grace. It is getting a bit better each day.
It IS like I was cheated on, but I knew it would be something Satan would use to pull us apart so I determined to go through it with my wife, to talk WITH, cry WITH, pray WITH and even show my utter disgust WITH. And some how we are growing closer together because of it. May God bless you both in this terrible time.
(CANADA) You seem to be punishing your wife, emotionally dragging her through the streets and making her feel shame. Jesus clearly models, we have no right to judge and need to help people leave sin behind and move forward. You do not have the right to see her sins as worse than your own. And we are ALL sinners.
(SOUTH AFRICA) I am in exactly the same situation. I have been married for 15 years and have known my wife for 19 years. I remained a virgin because I believed in the sanctity of marriage and met my wife in Church after she had just completed her schooling career.
Three weeks ago I found out that she had been sleeping with her previous boyfriend whilst in School and even though we discussed this when we were courting she denied having done this. Furthermore, over the past three weeks, she continually lied about the sequence of events and only came ‘clean’ this weekend. I feel deeply betrayed and hurt by what she has done. I cannot help but think that she compares me with her previous boyfriend. Today my marriage is in trouble because of this. I have 2 beautiful kids and am trying to make the right decision for them.
(AUSTRALIA) You should remain to follow the Bible even though she has betrayed you. You have a marriage together and 2 beautiful children. After all it’s considered adultery if you decide to divorce her and all the pain in the world is not worth the fire (the second death). You should be the bigger person and set an example. That’s what we do as Christians. Remember the reason God wanted us to marry is for the sake of his ministry; don’t foresake your ministry or God. I wish you all the strength and endurance. Please forgive her and live strong in Christ.
(ZIMBABWE) I am 22 years and lost my womanhood when I was 18 years. Now I no longer believe in marriage. Will I be able to live a normal life? What makes my story different is that I gave up my virginity because I was so desperate for some money to go to school since nobody could provide for me. Now I have a good job. I managed to go to college and I passed but I feel that deep down in my heart I committed a terrible sin. No matter how many times I ask for forgiveness from God I feel he cannot forgive me and I also cannot forgive myself.
Right now I have decided to stay single for the rest of my life as I feel that no man would accept or trust me. Whenever I am in a relationship I find it difficult to explain how I lost my virginity and mostly I end up calling off the relationship. Please help me, I am confused.
(USA) Hi Chioniso, How heart-breaking it must be for you to feel continually burdened by your past actions. It’s like dragging around a huge suitcase full of negative and very heavy feelings everywhere you go in life and in your relationships. Chioniso, I encourage you to release them. God has. When you confessed your sins to Him, He had compassion on you and tossed them away as far as “the east is from the west.” (See Psalm 103:12-13.)
You are carrying around a burden of your heart that is too heavy for you to drag around. Please read Matthew 11:28-30 and embrace it into your life. God says, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened.” He wants to give you relief as you learn from Him for He “is gentle and humble in heart” and will give you “rest” for your tired soul.
Please recognize that the enemy of our faith is deceiving you and is trying to keep you down to approach life as one who is dejected. I highly recommend that you read the article titled “Discerning the Difference Between the Conviction of the Holy Spirit and the Condemnation of the Enemy” featured in the “Spiritual Matters” section of this web site. There are other articles I believe you should read as well such as “The Journey of Forgiving Yourself” (found in the “Bitterness and Forgiveness” section) and “Living in Confidence Because of Who You Are” (featured in the “Mental and Physical Health” section). I believe these articles can help you get to a healthier place in your thinking. God is our Redeemer.
The Apostle Paul certainly grabbed onto that fact. If he hadn’t, he would never have been able to get past his past sinful past. He knew that we serve a God of grace who redeems our past sin and can use us in amazing ways as long as we follow the principles laid out in Philippians 3:12-16. We are to release ourselves from “what is behind” after we confess our sin to God and strain “toward what is ahead.”
I hope you will do this Chioniso. Whether God has a husband in your future or not, I don’t know. But please don’t limit God by closing your eyes to this possibility if God ordains that you participate in this with Him. If you are to marry, you will find a man who will be able to look beyond what you did in your past and will see you as the woman of grace that God has helped you to become.
And please don’t allow the enemy of our faith to tie your emotions up in knots any longer. He has been entertained long enough. Go with God in this — accept His gift of grace and you will be amazed at all God can do in and through you. Your past sin is no worse than mine or anyone else’s. Confess, release, and look to God for a brighter future. Please know that my love, encouragement, and prayers are with you.
(PHILIPPINES) Hi Cindy Wright. I’m inspired by your message for Chioniso. I hope I can talk or chat with you. I can see from your point you are a Christian.
(USA) Hi Rochell, I pray the Lord ministers to your heart and helps you to come to a place of peace with whatever is troubling you. May He bring peace, and hope, and help to your heart and your situation! Although we have not talked, I will be praying for you. Blessings in Christ, Cindy
(ZIMBABWE) I am so sorry to hear such heart breaking stories. For all those who have messed up in their past, there is not much you can do. The only thing i think you can do is maybe to help someone who you think has not done it before to value what they have now and wait until marriage. People nowadays don’t talk about it as if it doesn’t matter, but in reality it’s a serious issue in relationships.
(NAMIBIA) Hi Chioniso, even though your story is heartbreaking you’ve at least managed to achieve something in your life. Let the past go my dear, that is a closed chapter!!! Even though it is not an easy way when forgetting, we are sometimes holding onto too much from the past so that we don’t see the open doors before us. Life is a journey most of us have gone through. The Lord has already forgiven you as He (Lord) is forgiving us every moment for our trespasses. Is this not what the Big prayer is reminding us? And you are the only one who needs to forgive yourself as acceptance is starting with yourself. Reply.
(ZIMBABWE) How do you tell a promising that you are not a virgin?
(USA) Dear Roro, If this is the person you are to marry someday, your being honest will not frighten him away. If you have asked God to forgive you, for giving yourself to someone that is not your husband, then that is all that can be expected. If he can’t accept that, then he might not be a person who gives grace in other areas of life and would be a troublesome husband at other times if you marry.
I would recommend that you pray and ask God when and how to be honest with this man, and then I would pick the right time that God shows you, and tell him. If he’s not able to handle it, then ask God to help you to let this man go (as difficult as that would be), knowing that he COULDN’T be the right one if he couldn’t accept you, when God has.
(NAMIBIA) Hi, I am grateful and happy to be part of this. I am in my 30s and a born again Christian and in a courtship with a GOD fearing man. The problem I have is my mind. I think of sex too much and sometimes find myself having wetdreams. I am a mother of 2 kids and I keep on trying to stop this foolish mind of mine by reading the Word. Is the problem that I am a mother and have already engaged in sex or what is it?
(UNITED STATES) My girl friend has had sex with 8 people. She wasn’t living for the Lord, but she claimed His name during this time. She hasn’t had sex in a while, but it’s still recent enough that it bothers me a lot.
While I have forgiven her for not waiting for me, I will periodically become very angry with the 8 men she has had sex with. I have never met any of them, and it bothers me that these 8 men, I have never met, have such an influence on me. It makes me angry to think about them disrespecting my girlfriend and not treating her like a princess. It makes me angrier than I have ever been. Can anybody help me figure out how to get over this? I have never hurt so deeply in my life. I love my girlfriend and I want to be with her more than anything, but I do not want to hurt like this every time I am reminded that she has had sex with somebody that was not me.
(US) Justin, Get over it. It’s ridiculous to ruin a current relationship because she had sex before you. How could she wait for you if she didn’t know you were in her future? As for being mad at the 8 men, that won’t do you any good either. Live a little, have some fun, stop being so repressed and love your girlfriend like crazy and you’ll be the last one she ever has sex with for the rest of her life. There… you are one up on the eight other men. You are the lucky one.
(UNITED STATES) I’m a 22 year old guy, decently toned, tanned and ruggedly handsome. I gave my virginity to my current girlfriend and now I know that if me and her don’t work out, I’ll have to deal with telling future Christian women who I may date, my regretful decision. The person I regret hurting most before I even meet her is, my future wife.
I feel dirty and unworthy of unconditional and Godly love. The worst part is that I can’t bring myself to tell her NO. If I try to put a stop to it, she tempts me. I love her and I cannot bring myself to let her go. I realize there is no going back and if we can’t break up, I’m going to discuss taking her to the courthouse to get married with her. She says she wants to be my wife someday and I definitely want to be her husband.
She’ll pretty much take any time she can get with me and this week it’ll be a Sunday service at my church, which addresses ALL sin including our kind of sin. We both need it. I’m wondering if she’s even saved. My church invites people to ask GOD into their hearts every day. I will do my best to forgive myself and I’m the man in the relationship, so it’s time I start leading.
(SOUTH AFRICA) I am in exactly the same situation. I have been married for 15 years and have known my wife for 19 years. I remained a virgin because I believed in the sanctity of marriage and met my wife in Church after she had just completed her schooling career.
Three weeks ago I found out that she had been sleeping with her previous boyfriend whilst in School and even though we discussed this when we were courting she denied having done this. Furthermore, over the past three weeks, she continually lied about the sequence of events and only came ‘clean’ this weekend. I feel deeply betrayed and hurt by what she has done. I cannot help but think that she compares me with her previous boyfriend. Today my marriage is in trouble because of this. I have 2 beautiful kids and am trying to make the right decision for them.
(AUSTRALIA) Hi everyone. I’m wondering if you can help me with some advice. I lost my virginity (under age at 15 and a half) to a man who was of age… I did not know the Lord, was having terrible upbringing, and did not know better. I had terribly low self esteem as I was not taught by my parents that I was valuable in any way and no one told me the importance of respecting myself and my body (the first thing I will do with my children is teach them about the beauty that is their virginity).
I thought I might finally find someone to love me by doing this. I was only a child and felt terribly unloved by my parents and family. My ultimate dream was to find a husband to take care of me properly and move away from my parents who hurt me so much (basically the issue at home was that my brother would beat me up, I feared for my life a lot of the time, and I received no protection from my parents, they seemed to think that this behaviour was acceptable). I have forgiven them and my brother though, and we now have a reasonable relationship.
I was so faithful to my first boyfriend throughout our 7 year relationship. He cheated on me probably 100 to 200 times and I kept taking him back and forgiving him and trying to get him off the drugs he was on. He then moved away and split with me. I met someone else, who ended up leaving me also and returning to his first girlfriend. My first boyfriend returned to my home town after about 2 years away and asked me to marry him. At that time, I was broken hearted from the second relationship (and first) and so said no. As I said, I did not know the Lord at this time. I was having doubts about my decision to say no and tried a couple of times to patch things up, but my first boyfriend quickly moved on within days, took up with someone else, asked me to stay away and then married that other person and had children. So anyway, this then led to years and years of premarital sex and broken relationships for me. I lost all faith in myself, life, men and everything.
At the age of 30, I had all but given up on meeting a husband as it was a constant pattern of me always giving myself away thinking it would lead to marriage, and it never did. A repetitive pattern of self disrespect. Then I met my present partner. I came to know the Lord just before marrying him, repented of premarital sex (stopped having it) and repented of my previous premarital sex and confided in my husband to, of many things, giving him the option to choose not to marry me in the week before our wedding was due and telling him I didn’t think I was probably worthy of his hand in marriage. He has forgiven me and married me anyway. We now have a child together.
However, I have often wondered if our marriage is even valid in the eyes of God. Does God consider me married to the first person that I lost my virginity to? Am I therefore supposed to now be single the rest of my life? I could not bear to leave my current husband as I made a promise to him. It would break his heart and it would break my baby’s heart and mine if we split. But I don’t want to continue a life of sin either. I want my son to grow up with the loving family I did not have.
I am in total inner turmoil and having constant self esteem issues because of all of this. My husband and I are not emotionally close. I struggle to have sexual relations with him as I am already broken inside from all the years of giving myself away to people. I have an utter distaste for sex! (I can only see it as dirty and disgusting.) He often says he feels unloved because I do not make love to him hardly ever. I even dreamed last night of my husband returning me to my father’s home… and of my husband wearing my wedding dress (in a way telling me that this is all one big joke). Are these dreams from God or just my worries and subconscious coming through?
Please help me with some advice. Some days I just feel like ending it all but then I would never do it because I have a baby who I love, but it’s constantly feeling like I don’t want to live but I don’t want to die.
Dear Laura, What you are going through is really difficult. Regrets are hard to erase by just saying, “I can’t do anything about my past, but I can change how I live today.” But that’s what it takes. We all have regrets. We all wish we had known and/or done something different than what we did, but that’s all part of life and part of growing up. We live in and sometimes participate in all that makes this a fallen world. The person who is leaning towards maturity looks squarely at what they did or didn’t do (which they regret) and determines with all of the intentionality they have within… and with God’s help, that they will learn from their past and step forward a redeemed person. They will warn others, if they have the opportunity and they will live their life to bless those around them, (particularly their spouse –with whom you are God’s colleague in loving your husband) which in turn will bring blessings back to them.
There were a lot of things in my past that I regret. But what the Lord showed me is that I have choices to make concerning them. I can poison today and tomorrow by dwelling on them, which won’t do any good to anyone –myself included, or I can defeat the enemy of our faith by putting my energies into living my life in a way which shows my thankfulness for the redemption I have through Christ. I love what Kirk Cameron said in an interview. He said, “I try to live my life as one big THANK YOU to the Lord for all He saved me from and wants to do in and through me to bless others.” I totally agree. May it be so, Lord.
Laura, what is past is past. You can’t change that. All you can change is how you live today and in the future. Let go of that which you can’t change for the better. Your mourning about it and going on and on about it, may have helped for a “season” to properly look at truth and repent. But there comes a point where dwelling on the past only poisons all that God wants to do within you and then lead you to pass blessings onto others.
Please read Philippians 3:12-16 (you can see a link is provided to read it). You can see the emphasis on not grabbing onto the past and dragging it into the future. It’s not that we are to erase our past, but that we aren’t to dwell upon it and drag it forward so it hinders the mission and the daily walk God has for us. Think about that in light of the forgiveness Christ gave to Paul, who wrote those verses. He called himself the “chief of sinners” because he was responsible for the deaths of so many Christians before he literally saw the light of Christ. He was a murderer of Christ-followers. Do you think God forgave him, especially in light of the ways in which He used Paul in amazing ways? Do you think he was forever condemned or redeemed?
Think of Mary Magdalene, who was cleansed of 7 demons and was thought to be a prostitute when she came upon Jesus, and yet Christ thought so much of her that she is mentioned in the Bible as being one of Christ’s closest followers –one of the few privileged ones who saw Him after He rose from the dead. And the Samaritan woman at the well (talked of in John 4:1-42), who Jesus talked to (which was considered a “no-no” in those days for Jews because they were considered unclean) and ministered to and used to bring others to faith. She had 5 husbands and was living with a man unmarried, at the time Christ ministered to her and through her. Do you think they were forgiven and lived redeemed lives? And then there was Rahab, the Harlot, was also used in amazing ways, as you can read about in Joshua 2 and also Joshua 6:20-25 and Matthew 1:5. She is one of Jesus’ ancestors. Do you think God redeemed her life?
There are other examples in the Bible and also in today’s world, where God uses women and men who have horrible pasts, and yet, because of their repentant and willing hearts to be cleansed and used for God’s Kingdom work, God works in and through them in amazing ways. Are you any less worthy? Absolutely not. Regrets, we all have them, but if we let them drag us down, we will not live as redeemed lights –to be used of God to poke holes in the darkness.
What I’ve seen is that if you come from a horrible past sexually, whether it’s through abuse or poor choices or both, please don’t let your husband pay a price, as well, for what went on in your past. His desire to be sexually connected by being intimate with you is not a form of “prostitution” but rather love –which is blessed by God. You are married. Making love with your spouse is a privilege that only the husband and wife are to share. What the enemy of our faith is doing is tainting it. When you finally have God’s blessing, the “father of lies” is trying to distort it. Please don’t give in to this distortion. Keep working to change your mindset. You can do it. Many have… I have.
I had a distorted view of making love with my husband for a number of years, because of past abuse. I denied him so often, too often. Eventually, the Lord opened my eyes to see that I was participating in further victimhood by frustrating my husband by denying him that which he SHOULD want from me — his wife. I was making him struggle, questioning his “right” and questioning himself for wanting me when I had been hurt by other men in the past. This wasn’t his fault… he hadn’t hurt me. Why was I dragging him into being another victim?
What I’ve learned is that when there is a problem area in a marriage, it should be our mission to work to bring that area of our lives to redemption and healthy healing. If it’s the sexual part of our relationship, we need to be intentional in finding a way to get help (counseling, if needed) and put that area of our lives upon God’s altar for healing and crucify the wrong that is causing problems. It may be a long journey (it was for me), but it’s worth the pain and worth the effort and cost. My husband and I now have an amazing sexual connection. It wasn’t without work, but I vowed to my husband to work on that area of our lives (so he was more patient in the process) and I lived up to my promises. I’m/we’re SO GLAD I did.
If God wants you to know that a dream has a meaning you need to learn (because you expressed concern about it), pray about it, ask God to reveal truth and drop it until and unless He has something to tell you. Don’t let your mind entertain something you shouldn’t. Be tenacious in this! But make sure you know how whose voice you’re hearing. If it pushes you away from God (in its nature) then it’s not God’s voice. It’s not that He doesn’t convict us and tell us we are wrong, when we are, but it’s for the purpose of getting us to confess, repent and draw near to Him in the long run. The enemy’s voice is condemning and has no redeeming purpose. I recommend you read the following (plus other articles we have posted on the web site along this line): https://marriagemissions.com/discerning-the-difference-between-the-conviction-of-the-holy-spirit-and-condemnation-of-the-enemy. Also, https://marriagemissions.com/living-in-confidence-because-of-who-you-are-in-christ.
And if you go to a counselor, make sure it’s a marriage-friendly one (you can read about that in the “Marriage Counseling” topic). I’m working on trying to post another article, which will help you on this issue. I hope to post it within the next few days if I can –this weekend, by the latest, if possible. It will be titled, “Working Through Past Pain,” based on the book, “The Total Marriage Makeover” by David Clark (which is no longer in print — but if you can find it somehow– you’ll have more info than I would be able to give in the abbreviated version I could use for an article). Another great book for you to read is titled, Sacred Sex. I’m not recommending you read it to condemn you of your past, but rather to recognize truth in how it’s a celebration, within the context of marriage (unlike what it is outside of it — I didn’t realize this as fully, until I read this book and it helped me to relax and enjoy, rather than see it as “dirty and disgusting,” which is what the enemy of our faith wants you to believe. That is garbage from the pit of hell.
Laura, there’s so much more I want to say, but I can’t and shouldn’t (because God wants to speak to you through others and Himself to help you beyond what I can write). God wants to take you on a journey to help you to grow as a woman, as a wife, and as one of God’s chosen. And you are chosen. Please don’t forget that. God loves you and has a wonderful plan for your life… I hope you will participate. And I truly hope and pray the best for you –that you will be able to shed these lies and the burden you are carrying.