Marriage Missions International

How A Husband Should Handle His Wife’s Submission

Submit is a verb. Submitting is a voluntary action. That means it is something we ourselves do. It’s not something we make someone else do. Just as we can’t force another person to love us, we can’t force someone to submit to us either. Of course we can make that person do what we want. But then that’s not true submission.

Submission is a choice we make. It’s something each one of us must decide to do. And this decision happens first in the heart. If we don’t decide in our hearts that we are going to willingly submit to whomever it is we need to be submitted to, then we are not truly submitting.

This may be shocking news to you, but an overwhelming majority of wives in my survey said they want to submit to their husbands. They want their husbands to be the head of the home, and they have no desire to usurp that God-given position of leadership. They know what the Bible says on the subject, and discerning wives want to do what God wants because they understand that God’s ways work best.

However, problems often arise in this area because a wife is afraid to submit to her husband for two reasons:

Reason #1: Her husband thinks submission is only a noun, and he uses it as a weapon.
Reason #2:
Her husband has himself not made the choice in his heart to be fully submitted to God.

Okay, okay! I know that God did not say a wife needs to submit to her husband only if he proves to be worthy. Submission is a matter of trusting in God more than trusting in man. But a wife will more easily make the choice to submit to her husband if she knows that he has made the choice to submit to the Lord. It will be a sign to her that it is safe to submit to him. And the goal here is to help her, not force her, into proper alignment.

Many a wife has a hard time trusting that her husband is hearing from God if he doesn’t appear to be submitted to God in the way he treats her. Wives know that after the verse “Wives, submit to your own husbands” (Ephesians 5:22), the Bible says “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her” (verse 25). Christ doesn’t neglect, ignore, demean or abuse the church. He doesn’t treat her rudely or disrespectfully. He never acts arrogantly or insensitively toward her. Nor does He criticize her and make her feel she is not valuable. Rather He loves her, protects her, provides for her, and cares for her. So while God gives the husband a position of leadership in relationship to his wife, He also requires the price of self-sacrifice from him.

When Wives Hold Back
The big question in many women’s minds is, “If I submit myself to my husband, will I become a doormat for him to walk on?” The answer to that question depends entirely upon whether her husband believes he should love his wife like Christ loves the church and willingly sacrifices himself for her —or thinks that submission is a noun and that it is something owed him. In other words, does he only consider his desires and opinions, to the exclusion of hers?

A wife has a hard time giving her husband the reins to her life if she doesn’t believe she can trust him to have her best interests at heart as he steers the course of their lives together. She has trouble going along with his decisions when he refuses to consider her thoughts, feelings, and insights on the subject. And if she has submitted to a male in the past and her trust was violated in some way, it is even more difficult for her to trust now.

On the other hand, a woman will do anything for a man who loves her like Christ loves the church. Submission is easy under these conditions. I know a number of women who are married to unbelieving husbands and who have no problem submitting to their husbands, because in each case the husband loves his wife like Christ loves the church, even though he doesn’t know Christ.

Too often people confuse “submit” with “obey.” But they are not the same thing. The Bible gives commands about obeying other people only in regard to children and slaves, and in the context of the local church. “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right” (Ephesians 6:1). “Bondservants, be obedient to those who are your masters according to the flesh” (Ephesians 6:5). “Obey those who rule over you, and be submissive, for they watch out for your souls, as those who must give account” (Hebrews 13:17). Since a wife is neither her husband’s child nor his servant, and the local church isn’t part of a marriage, the word “obey” has no application to the relationship between a husband and a wife.

Submission means “to submit yourself.” In light of that, when a husband demands submission from his wife, it is no longer true submission. And his demands can become intimidating and oppressive, which breeds resentment. When a husband is more interested in his wife’s submission to him than he is in his own submission to God, then submission becomes a tool to hurt and destroy.

I have seen too many marriages between strong Christian people —high-profile Christian leaders, in fact —end in divorce because the husband demanded submission and resorted to verbal or physical abuse in order to get it. My husband has even counseled men like that, men who refused to hear that losing their family was a horrible price to pay for being “right.” How much better it would have been for the husband to submit himself to God’s hand and then pray for his wife to be able to come into proper order. This kind of situation occurs far too often.

When we submit to God, He doesn’t suppress who we are. He frees us to become who we’re made to be, within the boundaries of His protection. When a wife submits to her husband, she comes under his covering and protection, and this frees her to become all God created her to be. Trust me, you want that for your wife. Her greatest gifts will prove to be your greatest blessing.

If you feel that your wife is not submissive, pray for her to have a submissive heart, first toward God and then toward you. Then ask God to help you love her the way He does. I guarantee that you will see her submission level rise in direct proportion to the unselfish love you exhibit for her. And let her see that you are seeking God for guidance. If she knows that you are asking God to show you the way, she will follow you anywhere.

Please pray for your wife that:

  1. She will understand what submission really is.
  2. She will be able to submit in the way God wants her to.
  3. You will be completely submitted to God.
  4. She will trust God as He works in you.
  5. You will take your position as spiritual leader.
  6. She will trust you to be the head of the family.
  7. Submission will not be a point of contention in your marriage.

PRAYER POWER: Lord, I submit myself to You this day. Lead me as I lead my family. Help me to make all decisions based on Your revelation and guidance. As I submit my leadership to You, enable (wife’s name) to fully trust that You are leading me. Help her to understand the kind of submission You want from her. Help me to understand the kind of submission You want from me. Enable me to be the leader You want me to be.

Where there are issues over which we disagree, help us to settle them in proper order. I pray that I will allow You, Lord, to be so in control of my life that my wife will be able to freely trust Your Holy Spirit working in me. Help me to love her the way You love me, so that I will gain her complete respect and love. Give her a submissive heart and the faith she needs to trust me to be the spiritual leader in our home. At the same time, help us to submit “to one another in the fear of God” (Ephesians 5:21). I know that only You, Lord, can make that perfect balance happen in our lives.

The above article comes from the book, The Power of a Praying® Husband, written by Stormie Omartian, published by Harvest House. This book has 20 short, easy-to-read chapters which share how you can intercede for your wife in areas where she longs for your prayers. There is also advice, personal stories from well-known Christian men, and words from Scripture that will also help you in praying for your wife.

— ALSO —

To learn more on this subject, please click onto the web site link below to read a related article written by Dr Norm Wright:



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66 Responses to “How A Husband Should Handle His Wife’s Submission”
  1. Katrina says:

    (USA)  I understand everything that was written on submission. However, should a wife submit to things her husband wants to do that are ungodly as a means for keeping the marriage? For example a menage a trois (threesome).

    • shizat says:

      (USA) Just because you assume a threesome is ungodly doesn’t mean it is. Remember the old testament is replete with polygamy and polyamory. It is our current society that has frowned upon actions like this. Society is afraid as a whole. God wants you to be happy, and if that’s what it takes so be it. Don’t belittle yourself to your opinions of what sin is. Adultery isn’t adultery without the lies and deciet, if you both are willing, then you honor yourselves and God by fulfilling both of your desires. No harm, no foul. If it harms none, then it is not a sin.

      • Tony says:

        (USA)  Can you provide a scripture reference that says God wants you to be happy? I don’t think it’s there. God wants you to find JOY, which is different from happiness, and that joy is derived from following him and seeking to be Holy.

        I don’t think God condoned the polygamy. There are many scriptures that say that those God trusts to lead and direct his church are to be men who have ONE wife. So I think what God is saying is that those who come closest to following Him are not men who have multiple wives. They are not men who have as their first goal, happiness.

        Many places in scripture, God calls us to be Holy. I don’t know of a scripture where God calls us to be happy If you have a reference, I’d be happy to read it and learn of this command by the Lord.

        • Karimi says:

          (KENYA)  I’m not married. Happy VS Holy — that’s something that we should think through when following our ‘hearts desires’. Very helpful words of wisdom. Asante (means Thanks in SWAHILI.)

        • Maria says:

          (USA)  Are you the same Tony from the other page, where we “talked” about feeling safe in a relationship to share yourself? I’m really impressed with your answer here, it’s so right!

        • Laura says:

          (USA) I’ve heard it said that it’s not about happiness it’s about holiness.

      • Frankie says:

        (USA)  If everyone took your approach, then doing cocaine, marijuana, crack, and every other drug out there wouldn’t be a sin either. You obviously are failing to understand the fear of the LORD. And you are taking God’s intelligence for granted. The following scriptures clearly answer this topic. And note how a threesome = “due penalty for their perversion” as stated in the scripture below:

        “Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. They exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator—who is forever praised. Amen. Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones. In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion.” (Romans 1:24-27)

        “Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.” (Galatians 6:7-8)

        A person who has the Holy Ghost would never have such difficulties understanding right from wrong on a topic like this. And without the Holy Ghost you can’t be saved anyway. This hints that your repentance is not sincere and prevents the Holy Ghost from dwelling upon you and giving you light of the truth.

        The Holy Ghost is a gift for you when your repentance is sincere to God, and when you accept God as your Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

        If you haven’t been baptized in his name, I urge you to Accept God as your Lord and Savoir Jesus Christ and “Repent and be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. And you shall receive the gift of the Holy Ghost. It’s a promise for you and your children” (Acts: 2:38).

        Let the Holy Ghost reveal to you all the truth you need. I wish you the best…

      • Maria says:

        (USA)  Well said Tony!

    • Steven says:

      (USA)  Your husband is wrong for asking this and is himself going down a dangerous path… however, the Bible says to submit to him is everything (not just when you feel like it) and 1 Peter 3 says that even if he doesn’t believe in God it’s your place to submit… in everything… kinda takes the sin off your plate.

      • Leigh says:

        (USA)  We cannot go against the law of God when submitting to a husband. Submission is not a commandment but a rule. However, do not commit adultery is a commandment. If the third person were a man then it would have to be out, it goes against law. period.

        If it were a woman and she were committed to this relationship then I would submit. So, it is law trumps submit then everything else is permitted.

        • Laura says:

          (USA) I agree; that is why Paul was in prison and the saints were martyred. They went against their governing authority to preach the gospel.

  2. Renee says:

    (USA)  Hi Katrina, I believe menage a trois (threesome) is ungodly otherwise God would have created Adam, Eve, and Emmy for Adam to have a threesome. It is wrong and you should not give in to it. You will not be condemned for refusing to submit to this. I think SOME men use the word ‘submission’ to abuse their wives. My husband prefers to sit in front of the TV while I slave around in the house from work. I have to help him financially because he can’t meet the bills himself. His pay is not enough yet he is not willing to help me in the house. He believes that women should meet the household duties and help their husband’s financial responsibilities as the providers. Is this right? What’s the role of a man then?

    • Michael_1982 says:

      (FLORIDA)  To Renee or any unfortunate woman in her position: It sounds like your husband IS TAKING ADVANTAGE of you. He’s using his position as the head of household for his own benefit and selfish reasons. Sadly, some men do this.

      Ideally, the husband should be the sole or main PROVIDER. This is why men should wait to marry until they have a good career. Your husband is not only failing you as the main provider by making you work but is also trying to force you to do all of the housework on top of burdening you with the responsibility of helping him be the provider. HE CANNOT HAVE HIS CAKE AND EAT IT TOO.

      You need to divy up the chores 50/50 because you are both employed and bringing in income. My wife does all of the household chores except for lawn maintenance and house repairs and taking out the recycling and the garbage. Those are my chores as the man. BUT I MAKE ENOUGH TO SUPPORT MY FAMILY AND MY WIFE STAYS HOME WITH THE LITTLE ONES. That is why she does all the indoor housework and some occasional gardening.

      Your husband is not being a Godly man and he is not putting his family above his own needs the way a true head of household should be doing. You need to have a serious talk with him and possibly involve someone from your church. God bless.

    • David says:

      (USA) If that is the case, then your husband isn’t really the provider is he? Each person has a role to play. I believe from a spiritual standpoint that if you agree to help financially, then he should also agree to help you with your domestic work around the house. If I were in his shoes and my wife in yours, I would help with the household work and in my free-time search for a higher-paying job so that she could quit, if she prefers, or uses the additional income to do something with her like a vacation or take her shopping, or send her to a spa or something.

      It used to be that I took care of all the domestic and financial work, and I felt like I was in your shoes, but my wife is a trooper. After I lost my job and became unable to work for a month after due to illness, she stepped up and is handling us financially, while I handle the domestic stuff. I’ve just recently found work and started providing financially again, which is a blessing because this is very difficult for her to maintain.

  3. Cindy Wright says:

    (USA) Hi Katrina, It saddens my heart to read your question because if your husband is asking this of you, it means that you have a husband whose heart is straying from keeping your marital bed pure as the Bible talks about (in Hebrews 13:4). That is truly a tragic situation — one in which I pray you would not participate in, no matter what reasoning your husband brings to you.

    Submission to our husbands as the head of the home, is not given without exception. I’m going write below, something from “The Politically Incorrect Wife” written by Nancy Cobb and Connie Grigsby, because I think they word it well:

    “You might be wondering whether there are exceptions in the area of submission. There are. God is the highest authority, and anything that goes against His Word should not be done. You are called first to submit to God’s authority and then to your husband’s. If submitting to your husband’s authority violates God’s teachings, then your choice must be to obey God, not your husband. Some of the exceptions are crystal clear: adultery, abuse, or asking you to worship other gods.”

    Let me ask you, if your husband asked you to murder someone, or rob from a bank, or join a satanist group, would you do these things? I hope your answer would be “no”. And why not? You wouldn’t do them because you know they are wrong and they violate who you are and who God created you to be, plus, we’re told not to do so in God’s Word. And the same would be true if your husband asks you to participate with him in bringing adultery into your marriage bed. Whether it is through movies, or pictures, or through physically, sexually participating with another person in an adulterous situation, it is against God’s principles to do so. And when your husband asks this of you, he is violating God’s standards and asking you to participate with him in something that grieves the heart of God. This would be a time when you would not submit to your husband, but to God.

    If your husband thinks that by violating your marriage vows, it is “keeping the marriage”, he is headed down the dangerous path and is trying to take you there as well. He is breaking covenant with you and with God. It could lead to a much worse destruction of your marriage. It could also leave you with a severely hurting conscience and memories that the enemy of our faith will attempt to use to haunt you from that time forward.

    I can’t tell you what to do, but with everything that is within me, I wouldn’t personally do this. If your marriage is in trouble sexually, then I hope you would try to find a godly sex therapist or counselor, and NOT bring another person into your marriage whether by images or in person. “There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death” (Proverbs 14:12). And that can include death of a marriage.

    My prayers go out for you and your husband. I pray the Lord ministers to you, guides you, leads you to make Godly decisions, and helps you to live your life in ways that will be pleasing and glorifying to the Lord. I pray for your husband, that God speaks to his heart and that he will listen and follow God’s way into being a man of integrity in “keeping your marriage” as one that is healthy for both of you and is pleasing to the Lord and an example of a good marriage for those who know you and witness your lives together.

  4. Charleatha says:

    (VIRGINIA)  Thank you, for letting me read what you had to say about marriage and the way God said it should be. Because everything you said is what is going on with me and my marriage to my husband. The things he says out of his mouth sometimes hurts me inside, the way men use the word submission. I am trusting God in Everything!

  5. Toby says:

    (US)  There is hope!!! I don’t know exactly what is believed here, but I wanted to share my experiences. I have been struggling with the submission part for a while. I think I read the passage and got sidetracked a little. Meaning that I understood it in a different way than the way God intended it to be accepted. I have read several of the books out there on marriages and they all have great information, but they can mislead us(men) unintentionally at times.

    My wife and I have been married for 12 years and I have just now submitted to God’s meaning for this. This came through the strength of my wife to get on her knees and turn to God for her answers. As she prayed in her closet she felt led to pull me in there (we were having a pretty good spat) and she began speaking in tongues. God used my wife that night (about 3 weeks ago) to minister to me. All he wanted me to do was love! Man that sounds so easy, but to a man who has learned to close up and become hardened, that is the toughest thing in the world to do. Even if it is with my wife.

    As I have started to open my heart to her and let her know how much she means to me, I have become very vulnerable. This feeling is very awkward to me, but the rewards have far out weighed the feelings of vulnerability. I wake up every day looking for ways to express my love to her. I play with her hair, I help cook, I help her in the yard, I wash dishes, clean the restroom, love to touch and hold her.

    I have learned that I can not spoil my wife. I have heard at times and thought "I don’t want to spoil her", ignorance on my part. The funny part about it is it gives me freedom and energy. She has to get used to this, but I told her the difference now is that since God has put this in me, there is nothing she can do to remove it. We have since cleansed our home and I feel we are now moving in the direction god wants us to be in. A Loving Husband

  6. Anne says:

    (CANADA)  Hi Toby, welcome to the site. I’m really proud of you and all that you’re learning. It’s never too late for God to teach us things. Keep on reading God’s word on marriages and ask God to always guide you and He will. God calls for husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the church. That’s huge, and it’s a combination of love and forgiveness. Hope all goes well for you. I will keep you in my prayers. You’re gonna discover new things everyday.

  7. Kitwana says:

    (UNITED STATES)  To All, Hello I am a new wife. My husband and I have been married for only 8 months and before that we only knew each other for 4 weeks. Through these past 8 months I have taken a leap of faith and truly brought God into my life. I continue to pray and read my Bible for understanding of God’s word.

    The problem that I am having is being an "obedient" wife to my husband. I feel as though I try to do majority of the things that my husband asks. But on the other hand, some things that he asks of me, I feel as though are unfair. And it comes from his insecurity and jealousy. I feel as though he takes Gods word of a wife being obedient to her husband as well as being submissive for granted.

    He basically says, that if I tell you to do something, then you should do it, because you are my wife and I am the husband. He says that I am not asking you to do anything wrong, therefore you should do it.

    An example, would be… he is in the military and is deployed and he tells me that I should not wear any heels while he is gone. I explained that I only wear heels to church and that is it and I wore them once on Christmas. I don’t think that there is anything wrong with this. But as a wife, do I just do what he says?

    There are so many things that he asks that I just feel like I am being controlled and I don’t feel like that is what a marriage should be.

    I just want opinions from others, because I want to do Gods will as a wife, but I also don’t want to feel like a child being told what to do.

    Thank you for your comments in advance.

    • Dixie says:

      (USA) Kitwana, I have been married 6 1/2 years and my husband is the same way. It is not right. If I move the couch he will get mad at me and put his fist in my face, because I went against his will. He only seems to show love when I am exactly the way he wants me to be. The Lord has revealed something to me about him. Also the Lord has brought me a friend and a Pastor’s wife who understands what I am going through and they know it is wrong. Keep greatly in prayer. I know how hard it is to wait the see a change. We must keep our love and faith with God and be pleasing to God first and foremost.

    • Leigh says:

      (USA)  Obey your husband and do not wear heels.

      • Married29yrs says:

        (USA)  A husband is also supposed to honor his wife and be understanding towards her. The word ‘honor’ in the greek means: to ‘defer’ to, meaning to listen to her thoughts and opinions, to be considerate of her needs, to yield to her wishes, and to also be courteous and submissive to as well! No where in the word of God is a husband told to ‘parent’ his wife. Telling her what shoes to wear is the action of a parent.

        A woman or man should dress for the Lord, anyway, and the spouse will also enjoy the benefits. If the wife dresses herself in order to please God, her attire will be appropriate, and the Holy Spirit will gently convict her about any inappropriate attire, not her husband. We should not go along with carnal mindsets in our spouses, but encourage them to have ‘the mind of Christ’, which is a mind of faith,hope and mostly, love… not a mindset of insecurity, jealousy, domination over others and or undue control over them.

        If the wife wants to please her husband in not wearing heels, this is her decision, but she should not be made to feel bad for wearing heels, if she chooses to. If Jesus allows it, so should her husband, because he must love her as Jesus loves her as a memeber of his church. Amen.

    • David says:

      (USA) I will be praying. Be careful that controlling does not become abuse. I’ve seen it a million times. It starts with “It’s not you that I don’t trust, it’s THEM/other men.” which he may believe, but it is only a half truth because when it comes down to it, YOU are the last line of defense as far as trust/betrayal goes. I don’t trust many other men around my wife for spit, although I used to be very naive. My wife has told me about best friends, business associates, etc. people I trust come calling and make agressive passes when they knew I wasn’t around. There’s one thing I know, I trust my wife and that’s all that matters because she’s the only one that I need to trust. And she, knowing better, will do things (that I don’t ask) in order to minimize this sort of attention from other men. Is’s because I do put my trust in her and nurture the relationship with kind words of affirmation and service.

      I would be lying if I said I didn’t have past relationships where I did the opposite and got the results that I was trying to avoid. In this world we sort of get what we put our faith and eyes on. If one goes looking for betrayal, fear of betrayal enters their heart, they begin speaking of betrayal, accusing of betrayal, and treating the other as if they are betraying… and guess what happened to me? Boom, she’s with someone else and I get to find out last. Now, not only does this become a reality, it also makes all the time I was only living in fear that much stronger.

    • Lisa from United States says:

      You married a man after only knowing him for four weeks and found out you married a kook?

  8. Dixie says:

    (USA) I know what you mean. My husband tries to force me to submit to him. He calls me names, nags me and puts me down. He wants me to submitt even to the point of having to get permission to move a piece of furniture. He is not close to God like he should be. He is full of much anger. I can’t come to accept that we are to submit down the littlest things that are not even Bible. Thank for the article.

    • David says:

      (USA) My wife and I have a double-submission thing going on. The Bible says we should submit one to another. The Bible also says that a virtuous woman is the crown of a husband. I know that I may be the “head” of the family, but I also know that a crown is no crown unless it is worn properly, which is above the “head.” Thus, I strive to be humble towards my wife, and she strives to be humble to me. It’s like we’re in humility wars. Who can serve the other more?

      This is God’s way. This is the OPPOSITE of the worlds way, which is a power struggle… who can be in control. Who can be the one on top. This was how we played our marriage the first 6 years. Every time I would submit to the word and be humble, I became a doormat. Before that it was the other way around. Soon enough, nobody wanted to submit because they were afraid of being tread upon. Soon we fell out of sync; we couldn’t even voice our pains to one another without total defensiveness and blame shifting from each-other.

      It wasn’t until we decided to put God back as the head of our marriage. A marriage is between Man, Woman and God. When we started having devotions, she KNEW I was submitting to the same word she was, and we could also pray our grievances (hopes too), towards the same maker in a nuetral environment to a mediator. The new covenant is a spiritual marriage contract between Christ and the church and Christ is the mediator. He is also the Mediator of our marriages. When a God fearing husband hears his wife pray “Lord, please make me more patient regarding when my husband does ________” no husband before the presence of God is going to be like “Wait a second! Oh yeah!? Well, I only did that because you do _____!!!” …he’s going to do what I do… blush and go… “Oh… I didn’t know she felt that way.” Also during this he is praying in agreement with his wife on the matter and that is a VERY powerful thing.

  9. Felton says:

    (UNITED STATES) I just want to say on a man’s behalf, it just won’t work unless we submit our will to GOD’S. He knows the woman’s heart and ours too. Unless we both seek Him whole heartedly, life is a failure. Women, if we are not on the right path at times, you need to keep praying for us; it’s not easy being a man a GODLY man. It’s lots of pressure. I’m not making excuses for us. When we begin to trust the GOD within us, then we will be alright.

    • Momma says:

      (USA)  …Sounds kinda lame to me. Sometimes men only want to be strong when they can be strong ‘their’ way, like in dominating their spouse, or trying to be a big shot over others. But when they are commanded by God’s word to obey certain things in the Bible, then they wanna cry how hard it is to be strong, but only in God… Well, men-which are you? strong or weak? Pick one please! And, of course we ALL need the Lord to work in and through us, but ie: a single mom with three kids HAS to be strong and work full-time to be the mother, father, provider, head of house.etc… what if she used that line for someone else to ‘pray’ for her… wah wah wah!!! She has no choice but to trust God!!! My answer? Just DO it!

  10. Frankie says:

    (USA)  I believe Love and Submission are personal decisions. And no exact pre-defined way of approach exists in the Bible or anywhere else. Marriage, Love, and Submision in nature, takes on an agile approach. The Bible says “wives submit to your husbands” but it doesn’t state exactly how? The Bible says “husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church” and that commandment itself is a very broad statement, not very specific! Which leads to the conclusion that Love and Submission should be treated as voluntary functions predicated through skills and knowledge?

    The husband and wife require a healthy set of skills of discernment of right and wrong/good and evil, so that Love and Submission are understood, balanced, and applied unconditionally. The success of Submission really depends on the sincerity of Love administered by each individual. Involuntary conditions or constraints will only degrade the sincerity and place the marriage in a vicious cycle of complaints and arguments. And what good would it be, to have a Submitting spouse with wrong intentions, feelings, or regrets?

    It’s everyone’s responsibility who plays the role of a spouse, to collect a healthy set of Marriage building practices applicable toward love and submission, and to build on that set of practices continuously as times change. God’s word and any other reference material that provides positive and good information should be treated as light of guidance, not as constraint mechanisms applying conditions to our lives. That would be counterproductive on marriage and following Christ sincerely through free will. That’s why King Solomon wrote: “When wisdom entereth into thine heart, and knowledge is pleasant unto thy soul; Discretion shall preserve thee, understanding shall keep thee: Teach me good judgment and knowledge: for I have believed thy commandments.” (Psalm 2:10-11; Psalm 119:66).

    With that said, just because a person fears and follows God, doen’t mean the spouse will automatically submit, if he/she fails to understand, collects, and applies a healthy set of practices. Fear of the Lord is just a very good starting point! “The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge: but fools despise wisdom and instruction.” (Psalm 1:7)

  11. Harrison says:

    (KENYA)  I can only pray that God forgives and teaches Shizat, and many others hoboring distorted (negative) versions of the word of God. There’s a big diference between utilitarianism and the truth of God, and none can supplement the other! Three some, and any other SIN is sin, whether approved by the entire globe or not, and consequently a path to destruction. Please remain pure! AMEN.

  12. Pat says:

    (USA)  Correction: The biggest reason a woman does not want to submit is because she does not trust her husband and has probably been hurt by trusting him already. I am a good example of this and will probably never completely trust my husband again. It got myself and my children hurt badly.

    I also couldn’t count the times I thought “just once I wish he would ask me to do something instead of telling me to do it”. I would have loved it if he would have treated me better than the dog.

  13. Andie says:

    (UNITED STATES)  To the woman who’s husband didn’t want her to wear heels while he was deployed…

    Whether or not that’s “controlling” behavior, I couldn’t tell you. I think it would depend on the man and the manner in which he asks you these things. But generally speaking I don’t think that’s an unreasonable request. High heels are a (or, can be) very provocative. Modern culture has sexualized them. That part of you- your sexuality- is your husband’s. Like his is yours. Sounds to me like he’s just being posessive of that part of you and also doesn’t want you treated or looked at in any kind of disresepctful way while he’s not there with you.

    I would go ahead and just honor his wishes there. I just think about things like that, dressing to please my husband- why not, why wouldn’t I do that for him?

    • Mphen says:

      (ZIM)  Hi, my sister with the heels, please ask your husbnd not to wear sneakers anymore. See his reaction then. I believe that things like these actually do lead to abuse in the end. Doesn’t he want you to look sexy? Doesn’t he want to show the world what a lovely wife he has?

      I was once listening to the radio when one of the djs (male) made a comment saying that husbands/boyfriends want their wives trim and lean, appropriately dressed, respective and so forth. Meanwhile, the guy demanding all of this dresses badly, has no manners at all and is definitely not lean.

      By saying this I’m just advising that before we expect change from someone, let’s change ourselves. If I dress inappropritely and my husband does so too, instead of asking him to change I should go out first and get myself decent clothing. Lead by example.

  14. Merry says:

    (USA)  I’m on the verge of divorce and I’m desperate to make it work. We have been married five years, second marriages for each of us. We each have two grown children. Three of the children are supportive and fun to be around. The fourth is a controlling manipulative immature daughter of 29. I will call her “Beth.”

    The first year, we lived in our own houses because Beth could not handle that her father had moved on. Then I moved into my husband’s house. Big Mistake! When Beth visited us, she threw a major tantrum because some of my furniture was in the house. She lives across the country so we see her rarely. My husband flies out to see her every Christmas and they talk on the phone weekly.

    My problem is that I still cannot be at home in the house. Both children’s bedrooms are still their bedrooms despite the fact both will be married by Thanksgiving and both live across the country from us. One child doesn’t care about us keeping his room like a shrine. Beth, however, will make her father miserable if her room isn’t kept just as she left it 11 years ago.

    I want to nest so badly but I can’t move anything, rearrange anything, settle in at all. I’m almost to the point of leaving. My husband and I have seen the counselor who helped him get through his divorce years earlier whenever we’ve had a problem. The house and Beth have been our only unsolveable problem. This counselor told me it’s time to separate until my husband and I can get a home of our own. I went to my pastor for advice and was told the same thing.

    If I leave here, I can almost guarantee my marriage will be over. My husband is furious at the thought. If I stay I’m afraid my depression and resentment will continue to grow until there is nothing left of our marriage.

    I’m going to submit to my husband now and pray to be able to do it joyfully. But I doubt I’ll be able to respect or like my husband after another month of this. Any advice? Words of wisdom?

  15. Riki says:

    (NORTH AMERICA)  What if the wife or her children are in a life or death situation? The husband doesn’t think it’s necessary to get medical aide for the wife or their child, and he says no? Should the wife get medical help anyway? Can a Christian wife teach their children about JESUS if the husband refuses? Please help let me know!

  16. Kelly says:

    (USA)  This is truly the craziest thing I have ever heard. Why should a woman ever “submit” to an abusive husband??? Because God told her to? What about finding a non-abusive husband? What a terribly sad life these women must lead. I will pray for them.

  17. Me says:

    (USA)  It may be easier for a Christian wife to submit to a man if he is really loving her and has her best interest at heart. But that doesn’t mean she always will. Submission is not automatic. The woman has to choose to do it.

    I didn’t really emphasize submission early in my marriage with my wife. This is something I now see I should hold her accountable on. I think it is something the Lord has been working on her about, that and reverencing/respecting me as a husband. She used to go through periods of time when she was hypercritical. A lot of these were related to PMS or pregnancy, but not always. The way she’d speak to me was not always submissive or with reverence. The Lord has dealt with her about that.

    I was praying about a number of issues. She went to a Bible study, someone said something that struck home, and she confessed a number of things about her attitude, specific points I had prayed to the Lord about her. She’d said things that tore me down rather than building me up. She’d pray against me instead of for me when she thought she’d been treated unjustly (and she was really hypercritical about that imo), and various other things.

    I’d like to teach her to basically do what I ask her to. I’m not wanting to be a mean dictator, but if I ask her, honey, you haven’t brushed your teeth tonight, can you go do it, when she is tired, that she would do such things. If we have a disagreement about how to do something in the house, I want her to defer to me without crying if she doesn’t get her own way or arguing her case over and over again after a decision has been made. If I make a decision, I try to do it with the best interest of the household in mind. I don’t give her orders like “Go get me coffee.” Usually, I’ll get a drink myself and often bring her one. Like I said, I’m not wanting to be a dictator, but I want to ‘train’ her or hold her accountable, partly because I want to rule my house well, and partly because I believe if she were more submissive, it would be good for our marriage.

    My wife is a woman of God, a woman of prayer. She is often very insightful and sees things I don’t. So I really appreciate her. But I do think there is an area of growth for her in submission. So I’m trying to figure out how to teach, support, and hold her accountable in this area.

    • Janelle says:

      (UNITED STATES)  Here is your wife’s version of your post: It may be easier for a Christian husband to love his wife if her words are encouraging and she makes his physical satisfaction a high priority on her list. But that doesn’t mean he will always act in a loving way. Sacrificial love is not automatic. The man has to choose to do it and be willing to die to himself.

      I didn’t really emphasize sacrificial love early in my marriage with my husband. This is something I now see I should pray that the Holy Spirit will hold him accountable on. I think it is something the Lord has been working on him about, that and putting my needs first as God commands him to. He used to go through periods of time when he was self-centered and short with me. A lot of these were related to stress at work, but not always. The way he speaks to me was not always loving or with kindness. The Holy Spirit has worked on him about that.

      I was praying about a number of issues. He went to a Bible study, one of his brothers in Christ said something that struck home, and he confessed a number of things about his me-first attitude, specific points I had prayed to the Lord about him. He’d said things that tore me down rather than building me up. He’d pray for his own needs instead of asking that God humble him and make him a better servant-leader (and he was really holding his authority over my head imo), and various other things.

      I’d like for God to teach him to obey God’s plan for marriage. God calls him to love me sacrificially as Christ loved the church and to put my needs before his own. If we have a disagreement about how to do something in the house, I wish he would care about my opinion instead of pulling rank on me and declaring that God put him in charge. I wish he would listen to my input before he makes important household decisions. A lot of times, I feel like I don’t count. He thinks if he brings me coffee that this makes up for the condescending way he treats me, but really, I just want him to have respect for me. Like I said, I want to ‘train’ my husband or hold him accountable, partly because I want him to obey God’s command to love me as his own body, but partly because I believe if he were more sacrifically loving and humble, it would be good for our marriage.

      My husband is a man of God, a man of prayer. He is often makes good decisions and takes care of us financially. So I really appreciate him. But I do think there is an area of growth for him in sacrificial love as God commands a husband in marriage. So I’m praying that God will teach and support him, and that the Holy Spirit will hold him accountable in this area.

  18. Janelle says:

    (UNITED STATES)  To “Me” from 17 October 2011 at 5:10pm: You have listed many ways you think your wife can improve your marriage, but the only person you can change is you, not her.

    Have you fully submitted yourself to the Lord? Do you feel convicted by the Holy Spirit when you sin and do you fully repent in word and action? Are you committed to loving your wife sacrificially as Christ loved the church? Do you regularly put your wife’s needs ahead of your own as God commands you to? Do you lay down your life for your wife as Christ laid down his life for the church?

    Remember that Christ said the one who sits at the table is greater than the one who serves the people at the table, and yet, Jesus Christ came to be one who serves (Luke 22:27). Are you humbling yourself and serving your wife?

    Your own humble submission to God and your commitment to put your wife’s needs first would improve your marriage as well as your personal relationship with God.

  19. Melissa says:

    (CANADA)  My question is this, first I want to point out that I have no problem submitting to my husband, but the issue to me is that 1- He doesn’t even submit to God, (not the way I think he should) but the way God/Bible says he should. 2- Like you stated, he demands it for convenience sake. It makes me angry because he preaches to me about submitting to Him, and I understand that his growth with God is not my problem but I do believe if he is not submitting himself the way he should or even at all, unless it is convenient to him ,then it reflects on me and it greatly hinders our marriage.

    I am not sure what to do. I have prayed to God to help me to be the Christian He has designed me to be, and the best wife to my husband, but it hurts me that one, he doesn’t love me even half as much as Christ loves the church, nor does he love God the way he proclaims to because if he did he would obey His words.

    Please help me with this issue if you have any positive input. God bless you.

  20. Greg says:

    (USA)  Read Titus. Paul says, that the older women should teach the younger women to be in obedience to their own husbands that the word of God be not blasphemed. The wife is to look to the husband as the ruler of the household. The wife is to submit to the husband even when the husband is not a Christian (according to Peter). In all states according to the Bible the wife is to look toward the husband as the leader of the household and is to be in submission, obedience to him. This is the true secret to a true and happy marriage, if you want to follow the scriptures.

    Also the word submit means submit or obey and only those two words in the Greek. They are translated that way because the translators did their job correctly. Some authors try to claim submit is not in the scriptures this is not so. Also the reasons are given by Paul for wives or women submitting to males. And these have no cultural reference at all, they are based on the “order of creation”, the man being created first, then the woman, the deception of Eve or the woman in the Garden of Eden, in other words women being able to be deceived due to their nature, and finally the role of the church to obey and follow Christ as the head of the church. The word head, can mean, Head, source, or in some cases crown. The word headship, means headship.

    In the case of Source or Crown, that also has spiritual parrallel and meanings that are verified and also coincide with the state of marriage and the conditions of them, being spiritual truths. Christ being both the source of the church as its redeemer and man being the source of the marriage as the person who initiates it. Partners willing to sacrifice, but the husband to love the church and sacrifice himself as Christ did the church. Without Christ’s sacrifice there would be no bride, hence a man should model that and follow that example and love his wife. But also this doesn’t turn that love into submitting to her whims, in other words reversing the roles of submission to that being one done by the man. We are to submit to each other as Christians in service to God and in the workings of the Holy Spirit. But this doesn’t change the marriage roles. The wife is to even submit herself to the unsaved husband. The wife being fallen is to submit when she isn’t saved as a part of the curse of the fall. To have him rule over her.

    If the husband was the “crown” of the wife, being the most liberal and false interpretation of the word “head” or headship, then that is covered as well by the bible, where Paul talks about “head covering”. In that passage Paul says wives should have their heads covered, as a sign of submission to the husband to authority, and as a witness to the “angels” who rebelled. Angels are transcultural beings and live and continue to live throughout time and various cultures. So the head covering of the wife is not a cultural thing, but a witness that is to be given to those who have no culture. Her head being covered is a sign to the angels that she is in submission to authority and the natural order of things as God intended. So in all cases a correct interpretation of these scriptures state that ideally the wife should obey her husband. But the husband is not to beat his wife or abuse her as she is a part of his own body. This is the teachings of the scriptures and no amount of rationalization will change them.

    And the teaching of wives to be obedient to their husbands is supposed to be taught to younger women by older women in the church. If you’re a woman and learning this here from me (a male), it’s because older women in the church didn’t teach you properly as a young woman. Paul’s comments in Titus were not geared toward men, but given to older women to teach the younger women. So this wasn’t even a word to the males to give them something to dominate women by, it was simply instruction based on truth that was given to women.

  21. Greg says:

    (USA)  You have to understand that we are all humans and supposed to be maturing into a better state. We are all supposed to grow spiritually. The great temptation and also at times a yolk of burden is to be unequally yolked to non-believers or to someone who is not as mature as you are spiritually. Paul called marriage a form of bondage, being yolked together like two oxen. This means you will likely travel at the spiritual speed of the weaker oxen or marriage partner. It also means you may travel at the weaker speed in other things as well, perhaps physical limitations, as I have seen where one partner is incapacitated by some illness or disease. And of course you may be married to a bonehead or moron as well. This will of course limit you. Being married to a husband who is dumb, greedy or bad in some way will be challenging as well as being married to a wife who has flaws or problems, perhaps she is trying to undermine the husband or being greedy as well.

    In either case, the stronger partner may be pulled down or held back, but that is a part of being “bound”, it’s not all about moving forward, but it’s about being committed to the partner you choose.

    The big temptation I see that many women have inside the church is they have perhaps made a wrong choice to begin with. They married the guy for the wrong reasons and now they are stuck. You made your bed, now sleep in it, is a famous old saying and that really applies sadly. But Peter says show your respect for them even if they are unbelievers or not mature in your case, if this is the case. The problem that some women have in the church as well, is they want to be the leader and they try to listen to others inside the church or attend more church services than their husband. And they listen to a teaching and feel they are more spiritual, they may be, they may not be. And the temptation is to “say you are more spiritual” and use this as an excuse to “not submit” because the husband isn’t spiritual enough. Of course he will never be spiritual enough, or good enough, because you may be looking for a flaw to find a reason to rebel. I hope you’re not falling into that trap. If the husband is telling you to sin, that is to do something clearly wrong, then you don’t have to obey him. But this is in the case of some rare circumstances most of the time. Many times, women will be tempted to look at some things the husband is doing and say, that’s not spiritual enough for me, and use that as an excuse to try to rebel.

    But what does Peter say to them? He says even in the case of being married to a nonbeliever that you should submit to him and by doing that and being a good witness you will convert him. The question is: are you trying to convert him to Christ or to be your helpmate and servant to do your desires? Be truthful when you say your husband is being less spiritual. If he is, then he’ll need to learn and hopefully he will learn. If you live a Christian life and look to God in faith, he will see that and your life will bring him to desire to become a better person and follower of Christ.

    And Paul does state the obvious that men love their own bodies. So if a man is beating you or doing something that is against his own body, it could be a sign that he has left the marriage or is in a form of bondage that you don’t have to partake of. Paul was writing to normal people who naturally would love their wives, he was not writing to those who would abuse their own bodies, like some demoniacs or those who mutilated themselves.

    Husbands and wives will have temptations and some of these will be in the budgeting of funds. Wives may be tempted to buy more clothing than necessary and spend on those things, husbands will often have really expensive hobbies and this becomes a selfish focus. So both will have temptations. And yes, some men are stubborn or have bad tempers, so you may have chosen a rebel or fallen into bad luck with a poor choice. In those conditions you will be under a greater burden. It’s like being attached to a poor behaving plow horse. Ideally you are both working side by side and know your roles inside marriage. Also reading Proverbs 31 we see that many things are done or delegated by a virtuous women. And ideally her husband can trust her and delegate many things to her. So she can do many things. But many are not virtuous as well and the husband may not be able to trust them. And many husbands have flaws.

    How are you helping your husband achieve his full potential to be a success, not materially, but spiritually. Are you being his help mate, or wanting him to be yours because you are “more spiritual”? If you are seeking a man to be your help mate, you’ve missed the meaning and roles of marriage to begin with. I’m not necessarily speaking to the person who mentioned the less spiritual husband but to women in general. I’ve seen many women who are in the world, who are looking for a husband to “help them” a good man. But I’m not looking to “be her helpmate” and do a role reversal. Sorry, I’ll pass on many of them.

    And if we look at Paul’s admonition in the second chapter of Titus, one of the things he says should be taught is that she be a “keeper at home” which is literally a traditional house wife role. But sadly we don’t see that in today’s US culture, we see career women, running around like men and looking for an equal marriage. They want me to be their help mate, well sorry I’d rather not enter into that modern false version of a marriage. I’d rather be single.

  22. Greg says:

    (USA)  A husband who asks his wife to be involved in infidelity is likely sleeping around with other women. Once they sleep around, they have broken the marriage bond and you are free to divorce them. You don’t have to let your husband force you to do sexual sin. If the husband is beating his wife, I have to say that in most cases, it’s a sign he is running around. Usually you will find these men that are doing the beating as having left their marriage vows.

    It’s almost funny to see the extent that people play by the worlds game and look for the guy who is the rebel and wild party guy. A real ladies man, and both partners run around and show little self control before they are married, jumping into bed with many partners. Then they get married and hope to have God bless the mess they develop. It’s difficult to change and become a person of self control if you haven’t used it before you were married. It’s difficult to have trust. Some are just carnal and were carnal and will not be committed to marriage, but leave it the first time they get a chance for “someone better”.

    I speak of this because it’s easier to say this as a joke as many live their lives as a joke and ignore the commands of God. They are living as if they are God themselves and they can do whatever they want to and there will be no penalties. But the ten commandments still apply and condemn them. We can try to get into heaven by our own piety following the law and the commandments, but we will find we fail. We find in our failure our true nature. We look to the Gospels and see the manner of person we are, hearing them. And we have a chance to return toward God and repent. We repent of sins that we see that we’ve done and we ask him to save us as Lord and Master. We ask Christ to come into our heart and send the Holy Spirit to live and guide us. We are to walk in love and hopefully grow and mature in the Holy Spirit.

    The Christian walk has nothing to do with submitting to a husbands perversions and inviting others into your bed. That is easy to see. Some have tried to do this in very difficult environments where they were almost sexual slaves. I’ve heard of these stories. It’s something that some have tried and maybe they were delivered by God and maybe the guy even woke up and was converted, but that’s not a good reason to do it or try to follow some command to sin by a husband. You are not given liberty to go into bondage again. Christ wants you to be free from sin. The devil on the other hand seeks to enslave and take away all ability to have individuality. He may seduce you to sin of your free will and you may make that choice, but he will also seek to enslave you and get you to a point where you have no options but are a slave to sin. God seeks to deliver us from bondage both literally and spiritually. He want us to walk in freedom and peace.

    Some suffer from time to time under the authority of evil men who abuse this with power, but not true authority and guidance from God. Lawful disobedience is going against a command based on power, but not spiritual authority. It’s the basis for any freedom from slavery of evil. It’s totally justified in many cases. But not something that should be an excuse to rebel against anything that is normal that should be done as a worker for your boss or those in authority over you.

    Lawful rebellion is the way some governments are formed and some people become free. They choose to follow the law of God rather than illegal commands of men, that may seem legal and normal in that culture and society. This was the case with Peter and early apostles who preached Christ after being whipped, because they would rather “obey God’s command to preach the Gospel” than the “commands of men” who in that case were in authority.

    So of course it depends on the situation. We are not to rebel just for the sake of rebellion, but also Christ doesn’t say that you must be a slave to sin, he wants to deliver you from that.

  23. Chikondi says:

    (SOUTH AFRICA) My fiance wants to control my salary and yet he does not let me have a say in his. He wants to tell me how to use the money and I can’t do anything with the money without his consent. He works as a taxi man and I am pregnant. He has not bought anything for the baby and expects me to do everything. And whenever I ask for his help to buy a crib or car seat he says he doesn’t have money.

    I am so confused as he believes that as the head he should be in total control of my money and I should give it to him whenever he asks and if I don’t I am not submitting. Please help me think.

    • Cindy Wright says:

      Chikondi, I don’t blame you for being confused. You are not married yet. Your fiancé has no right to tell you what to do with your salary. You are both still single. There is no biblical mandate that tells women to be in submission to someone you are living with. And even though he is the father of your child, I would very much consider the fact that this man is going to treat you this way for the rest of your lives together, if you marry. He is showing you much of what you can expect from him. He is going to lord what he considers his “leadership rights” over your head –that he is the “head” and you are his to control and walk all over –telling you what you can and can’t buy, do and can’t do, even for your children.

      He does not sound like a servant leader, like Jesus was, but a bullying leader that wants what he wants and too bad for anyone else. Personally, I would not sign a marriage contract with this man. Not only would you find it difficult living under his reign, but he will also be teaching your children how he believes a wife is to be treated –as HIS servant. Is that what you want for your son –to treat a wife more like a slave without any rights or say in everyday matters? I wouldn’t. But that’s up to you.

  24. Pilip says:

    (UITED STATES) The Bible does teach for a wife to “obey” her husband. The scriptures admonish for older women to teach younger women to “to be OBEDIENT to their husbands” Titus 2:5…both words submit and obey are the same in the Greek language.

  25. Israel says:

    (USA) Question: what if a husband is totally submitted to God and loves his wife, respects her, treats her good, submits to her as well, etc. and the wife is disrespectful, deceitful, untruthful, tells me she doesn’t love me almost every day, and cares nothng about submission. Then what should that Christian husband do? I know prayer is #1, but if the wife’s behavior is too much to handle, then what should the husband do? When she uses hurtful words, do I stay shut? How do I defend myself when she disrespects me or makes me feel worthless? I pray for her every day and I ask God to please show her the way she should treat me. Yet, she still keeps on doing whatever she wants and doesn’t care if she hurts my feelings. As a man I feel low or like I’m losing my manhood. Sometimes I even feel like a sucker. It’s frustrating…sigh. I don’t know what else to do, but I love the Lord and I don’t want to be disobedient, so I keep treating her well and loving her like I’m supposed to.

    • Terri says:

      (USA) Israel, The only thing I can tell you to do, is do what you are doing. I feel for you and hate that this has happened in your life. Keep doing what God has commanded. God will change her or move her. But wait on him.

      If it helps a passage came to mind, (I know it might be hard to read for you because of your situation, but try… there might be healing for you in that). The Story of Hosea and Gomer. I don’t know how much of the Bible you know; it sounds like you know quite a bit. Hope this helps.

    • Dalfene says:

      (AUSTRALIA) You make it sound as if your wife is a bit crazy as she is so bad to you without any reason and tells you she does’nt love you even while you are so good and loving to her!!! Could there be a reason for her behaviour?

  26. Terri says:


    I guarantee you if you treat your wife like you are supposed to for the most part she will do her job. Women for decades have been mistreated and most men act like they don’t understand why we woman have finally stepped up and said “That’s it!” Why is it so prevalent that men in general, use the submission verses to do whatever they want to do and the wife has to say with a smile on her face “Thats fine dear??” Why do men, even ones that claim Christianity, use this a leaden hammer to beat down women and make them feel like they do not matter??

    Come on guys, do your part. Women are strong; we are humans; we are not your mothers, slaves, children or your sex toys. We are people with feelings who get tired who work at home and away. We have your children and raise them. We take care of you.

    Your only responsibility is not to give out orders and commands and act like our God. You are supposed to love us and take care of us, listen to us, meet our needs also. If you are confused about how you are supposed to love your wife look at Jesus. He was not overbearing, demanding, degrading, or abusive. He lived every moment of the day to make sure the church was strong and viable. His value was a church that was beautiful and functional, not a church that had been beaten down and is skittish.

    Be the expample that Jesus showed you; women do want that. You are not gods, just men. You are not smarter than us, or closer to God than we are. It is very hard for a woman to submit to her husband when she KNOWS he is making a mistake, and still will back down and say okay, then go to God and pray for protection. It is not easy to be made feel like we are second handed. We still live in a place where men make better wages, get better jobs, and get treated with more respect. Please remember that we are not dogs to be ordered around, we have value, we are important Just remember men when your wife puts her faith in you and you fail she fails also.

    Submission is a very touchy subject because it has not been done biblicaly for the most part. And the women have suffered and the men are standing wondering what happened. Marriage is a collaboration and not one to be taken lightly. We all have our jobs to do. And each is just as important.

    • Amber says:

      (USA) Thank you! That is exactly what I have gone through over my entire life -watching my father’s treatment of my mom and us kids… and now my own husband’s treatment of myself and our child. I have been used up and taken advantage of by my husband. He will not hear me no matter how I try to talk to him or not talk to him. No matter what I do, the result is always the same. I never feel good enough because there is a constant air of judgment and criticism coming from him on every subject.

      It’s sad because I would do anything to improve our marriage and he refuses to do the same. I feel he blocks every attempt for it to improve but why? I don’t get it. Sometimes it feels the more I forgive and submit, the more he treats me like crap. Yet, if I confront the issues head on there is a lot of fighting -yes, he will act more considerate after the argument but only briefly. Then we are back to square one and the cycle repeats.

      Nobody knows the answer to all of our unique, separate situations but the Lord. I continually seek His guidance and wrestle with knowing what he wants for me and my family. I pray for all who find themselves in a marriage that is a source of such pain.

      • Pavrone says:

        (USA) That is an Abuser. My husband was the same way. The truth is, he didn’t want me just didn’t want anyone else to have me and he carried on in his heart with everything he looked at all the while believing he was saved.

        Submit means to agree with; Christ said we are to submit one to another in the Body of Christ. So many religions have been built on wives submitting to their husbands and it’s no coincidence, the devil likes it that way. When a man loves and respects his wife, the way Jesus does His bride -the body of believers -he is on top of the world. The devil is hard at work ripping marriages/families apart, that’s all he can do to hurt God and the marriage/family/kids are God’s most perfect of creations. We all reap what we sow.

  27. Ted says:

    (US) Reading many of the comments I’m struck with how much this venue is used to complain about one’s spouse. I think we must all remember in marriage we become one flesh with our spouse. So if we speak ill of them we speak ill of ourselves. Also I would remind all that if in this life only we have hope in Christ, we are of all men most to be pitied. We obey scripture not because of gain we may get from this life, but out of gratitude for forgiveness of our sins. The only discussion appropriate then is whether it is God’s will or not. Anything else comes from selfishness and forgetting that we all deserve to condemned.

    If your husband doesn’t want you to wear heels what’s the big deal? A husband who abuses his wife in word or deed is not loving her as Christ loved the church. One is not acquitted of our own responsibilities by another’s sin. Above all let whatever we do be done in love.

  28. SJ says:

    (USA) This is very well written. My husband and I have been married almost 20 years. In the beginning of our marriage I tried very hard to be a submissive wife, without truly understanding what that meant. Thankfully over the years and as I have grown as a Christian, I have learned that to submit truly does have to be of my own will. If I expect my husband to make me submit, we are both miserable. When I submit freely, we are both happy.

    I feel cared for and loved by him and I know I can trust him completely. The difficult part is remembering to come to him with all things and not be resentful about it at times. However, when my attitude is right everything falls into place. My willing submission is truly what is best for our marriage.

  29. Tumelo from South Africa says:

    Greetings, You make a good point in your article. I wish it was that easy for me. Please allow me to paint you a picture. Before we married we were involved sexually and when she fell pregnant I married her. Not sure if it was out of shame for my family and my reputation in church, yes we married. Before we married, when she found out that she was pregnant she wanted to argot the child and I promised to stick with her through everything, even took the child away from her so she could study. The abortion did not work. I prayed that night like I have never prayed and the baby survived. She is 17 years this year.

    Now from the onset I have felt like she doesn’t trust me when I tell her my intentions that with some of the problems we have I can say it’s because she won’t submit. She can disagree all she wants but if submission is her agreeing with me it’s not what I want. She will not agree, she does not agree to my thinking about everything. That’s too general I wish I could explain it but I will have to write a book to explain it.

    What your article hasn’t done is explain for me what is submitting. I know I love her. I have proved on a number of instances that I love her. I will do anything for her. I will let her choose her direction in life. But she will not support me when I decide on following a path.

  30. Dee from Nigeria says:

    It is a global weapon “submission”… it is a weapon of oppression on women globally. It creates a a difference between men and women than their similarities. It makes men selfish and have their way like old times. It is highly overated than love itself. It is not Jesus like, because Jesus has the power to make choices even in God, submission ordinarily holds has no power of choice; it is a weapon of slavery. It is a weapon of oppression, a weapon of dark ages people use it to get what they want it. Is pervasive, it is also from the pit of hell demons want submission at all cost.

    Many marriages today are still struggling to overcome it. It promotess ego tripping for men. It has turned men into monsters, insensitive creatures, and self centered. Most preachers are men so they keep this campaign at the pulpit and use human minds. It victimizes women. The moment women marry or date it gives them crazy mood swing; they are never happy. It’s like high and low. It’s very subjective to them because of the marital benefits that throws their happiness off the window.

    Men enjoy this because they see it as a privilege over women. Women see themselve as powerless because they need to have a good outlook and benefits in relationships, yet they are victims. They apologize for everything. They are afraid to be opinionated because they don’t want it to be seen as an imposition. Even when they are having a sense of identiity they deliberately lose it because they have being brainwashed. You marry who you choose. How come you choose who you submit to when submission lacks the power of choice? Then you become the prey and he the predator.

    Are you suprised am blunt? If someone isn’t submitting to me that’s not the golden rule. Love your enemies. How come when am exploiting people cause they have no choice? It’s because their need made them? Submission to God should surpass that of a man. Stop exploiting these poor women with gospel. Religion is not the way out. Love is the way. Please don’t submit to anything I say. Make a choice and believe that the God has established righteouness and he wants to make us one with him. It’s an invitation to a big supper. If you love the Lord you will know that doing what he wants for you but he has given you the power of choice. Yet everything is within the righteousness within him just for you.

    God isn’t about himself or just obedience. He is a God of righteousness. If anyone is crazy about submission ask him if he loves to obey God by doing what is right, not just following any god. Then tell him that Love is greater than submission because God is love. Submission to love is voluntary, while submission to evil and the lies the devil tells us for the weak you either make the choice for good or evil and even within it. Do things out of love and righteousness. submission is a weak way of approaching God. It means following directions from God. Yet I will ask who are you following his or her instinct, is it God or man, what are you submiiting to? Love or rules, what is man that you should trust him? Why trust God with a man instead of God for God?

    Why believe your pastor than read the bible? Why use the Bible as a weapon to sin?What kind of God do you serve? Do you have an identity? Who told you not to declare what you want? What are your rights and priviledges in Christ? Who took your power of choice and sense of ownership? Why do we serve God, if you are just submitting without having those things am asking you can as well submit to other gods, because they all have rules they expect you to follow? If you don’t know why you serve God, all this religified people will brainwash you to keep their power over you.

    Love thy neighbour as thyself… who is that thyself? Are you still lost? Get off this page quickly and find yourself first so that Christ can walk with you. He is not a glory thief; he shares it with his children without taking their sense of belonging or privileges. I obey God because he is right and he lives in righteousness, not because I have to do so. What about you? Are you just a subject? If you are just one you can as well be my subject anytime. This isn’t who you are. Weigh your actions, and what you follow, and what values they have. God does not do things like men.

  31. Tina from United States says:

    Please help me! I have been in a long term marriage over 16 years with 2 young children, ages 7 and 9. We met at church in January and got married in July. I was sure we had the same values and now husband is saying I never supported him and I never submitted to him in the marriage. I’m so upset and confused by his definition of submission. He claims if it was something that I wanted to do or was going to do that is not submission it has to be something that he ask me or tells me to do that I don’t want to do.

    Along with this strange definition it has come to light that he has been addicted to internet porn throughout our marriage and over the years his personality has changed towards me. He has become very rude, controlling and short tempered. We are currently separated due to him accepting a job out of state. I refused to follow due to the unhealthy marriage relationship and the girls just starting school. Just weeks before husband accepted the new job he was threatening to divorce me for lack of submission. After being separated for several months he is finally beginning some counseling classes to deal with his power and control issues, however he is waiting to get further feedback about starting any sex addiction counseling at this point.

    I believe that my husband is no doubt a spiritually dirty vessel and his definition of submission has to be incorrect if not polluted? Can someone help me understand what is going on? Have I not been submitting all these years in our marriage when I cooked, cleaned and made loved to him? My heart is breaking…

    • Shoemaker from United States says:

      Hi. You don’t need to second guess yourself. He was so lucky to have you as a wife, and now he is ruining it. He is obviously being attacked by Satan. This is satan’s attempt to destroy your husband’s life. It started with unfaithfulness through the easy porn access, then he has turned around and blamed you for his unhappiness. Who knows what else he has fallen into. His behavior towards you might have sprung from the fact that porn teaches men to devalue women as people. I would not even be surprised if his sinfulness was affecting his professional relationships. Sin has a way of creeping out in various ways.

      Basically, he is redirecting his sinful actions onto you. Adam did the same thing by blaming Eve in the garden after they ate fruit. He needs to accept the consequences for his own sin.

      Even though God can forgive him, there is still so much damage he has already caused. It will take a lot of healing for him to recover. Unfortunately, you will be dragged through it too unless you accept his offer for the divorce (then you still will suffer).

      If I were you, I would be seeking out ways to become healed. He has created a wound in you that will need to be healed by Jesus. Prayer and reading the Bible are your biggest allies. Good friends who demonstrate that they believe you have value are another. God can take this situation of evil and strengthen you through it. He will.

      If I were you, I would not be too quick to let him back into my life (though I would hope for reconciliation). I would gain some self sufficiency, and independence, self-confidence. Start to find some interests and hobbies and new friends. I would not “submit” to him in much at all until he demonstrates a love that can be trusted. In other words, don’t do all his chores for him any more. He should have been doing most of the housework anyway.

  32. Gael from Brunei Darussalam says:

    Am I to submit to my husband even though he makes decisions that are contrary to my well being and interest? Both my husband and I have strayed from the faith for a number of years while living overseas. I’ve been recently reading a lot on submission and I’m told that if I’m not submissive and don’t do what my husband has decreed, I’ll have to give an account to God for my disobedience on Judgment Day. I’m told that I have to obey my husband whether I like it or not and if I don’t it’s a sin against God. This kind of teaching makes me resent God and I have difficulty even praying to God about my marriage problems.

    I’m the sole wage earner in my marriage and have been for the past 15 years. My husband finds it difficult to find a job. I provide for the mortgage and all the other expenses. This has not been a problem until sometime ago. My husband somehow now feels it’s my duty to keep providing. The other day he told me that there is no retirement age for us we have to continue working because of the commitments. I feel that my husband is trying to control me in very subtle ways.

    Like he doesn’t want me to go visit my mum next month. He would say things like just rest here at home. The flight ticket is expensive. When his sister and 2 nephews got married and he wanted to fly home. I didn’t kick up a fuss and said all of us could attend the wedding. This cost us a lot of money at that time. Last year for an important festival in my culture, my husband again kicked up such a fuss over the flight ticket that I ended up not going. My mum is getting on with age and because I cannot see her on a regular basis, I would like to see her whenever I can I work hard and I hate it that I work for the money but have no freedom to do what I want.

    Another issue with money is that when my dad passed on he left me some money. Not a lot, but some. I was telling my husband the other day that I would like to buy a small property nearer to the city so that when I do get back to my country, I would find it easier to commute to work. He immediately said that was not a good idea and that we should buy a property to rent it out so that we could earn an income. While I see the wisdom in his suggestion, I personally feel that it is my inheritance money and I should be able to do what I want with it. I’m not being unreasonable because my husband and kid can live in the property I have in mind.

    Plus his family also expects me to give my husband a joint share in the house that we already own, although they know that he has not contributed to the house at all. I know that all this is only money and that at the end of the day my treasures are in heaven but I’m not comfortable with the route taken by my husband and his family. They say that they love the Lord but it seems rather greedy to covet other people’s property isn’t it. Also it looks like my husband never really loved me in the first place and that he saw in me an earning capacity when he married me. My health has recently suffered but he has no pity for me.

    My position in financial matters is that it is the women who seek financial security from their husbands and the man usually provides. Even in a divorce the Court will look to see how to protect the wife financially. It cannot be God’s will that I just give up my assets to him, in the name of submission. I strongly feel it is my heritage and God’s blessings to me, which I share with my husband and kid. I want to know your perspective on this. Am I being clingy over my money. I have seen many women give what they have to their husbands and husbands squander it and after that they leave their families and run off with a another woman. These wives have nothing left due to their foolishness and blind trust in their husbands. I don’t want this to happen to me because I don’t have the hindsight to know what my husband is capable of doing in the future.

    • Jean from United States says:

      Don’t listen to people who exalt men. Read the Bible for yourself and you will know the truth. There are many websites that pretend to be holy; they are not. Read God’s word for yourself.

      Wives do not owe their husbands’s families anything except “good morning” and “good evening.” Once you marry, your husband should not put his family of origin ahead of you and the children.

      A woman’s husband’s parents have no rights or say so in your marriage, in your home, and in your finances.

  33. Alesia from United States says:

    Happiness is a benefit of being holy.

  34. Linda from United States says:

    This is a subject that is near and dear to my heart. However, it’s also a taboo subject in secular America. Both my husband and I hold “old-fashioned” values. With that being said, it takes a very strong woman to submit to anyone, including Jesus Christ. It’s not an answer to a marriage that is “on the rocks”. Submission relies upon trust from both parties.

    Sometimes the husband doesn’t understand the concept of submission. I feel that even the submissive wife can be an example to her husband and family. My husband isn’t the “religious” type. He believes in God, but it stops there. Yet, I have chosen to submit to him because this is something that Jesus has put on my heart. And I believe that as the Lord changes me, so too shall he change my husband. This is a new journey for me. And not one that is going to be easy. Standing up for your faith is never easy.

  35. Riya from United States says:

    I have a question. What can a wife do if her husband is not wanting her to live as she wants? She isn’t allow to talk to anyone, and is being forced to work and give her money to her husband. She isn’t allow to call her family; she isn’t allow to live how she wants. (Just wondering) …

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