How Can I Get Past The Tremendous Sadness?

Adobe stock Sad and upset woman deep in thoughtHow can I get past the tremendous sadness that my spouse’s extramarital affair has caused me?

“Impact! Dead on impact. Maybe I have confused separateness with the feeling of being dead. The tears fall like rain drops.”

“The pain is physically exhausting but I am still here.”

“Lord I give up. I am not even going to pretend to be brave because I am actually totally broken. I give up. I don’t want this anymore. I can’t take this anymore. I can’t Lord. I can’t Lord. I can’t Lord. My heart is completely shattered.”

These are the feelings of sadness expressed by those who have been betrayed. It is the feeling of death, except one is still alive and must continue to live. But how? When will it ever go away? Will I ever feel happy again? It seems impossible. And my family tells me to just ‘get over it!’ That hurts me even more. My friends don’t understand.

When I discovered my husband’s affair, I felt as if I had gained a new companion, a companion whom I didn’t want, who wasn’t welcome, who had not been invited and who would not go away.

That companion was pain. For me it was 2 ½ years until I felt happiness again, and I distinctly remember feeling it again, and I remember why.

The feeling of sadness for me was caused by thinking that I was unloved, perhaps even unlovable. Surely if I was a lovable person, the one I loved the most would not have hurt me so deeply with betrayal, abandonment, deceit and lies. The problem was that what I believed about myself, about my life and about the people around me was untrue. The truth is that I am lovable and therefore I will always have lots of love in my life.

I wanted a guarantee. I wanted to be guaranteed that I would never be betrayed by my husband again. He gave me his guarantee, yet I still didn’t feel guaranteed. After all, had I not been given a guarantee the day we exchanged our wedding vows? I thought what I needed was to throw away the old and start over with the new.

“Yes, that’s what I needed,” I thought to myself, “a new relationship with my very own husband of 18 years.” Yes, we should redo our wedding vows. Yet others have redone their wedding vows and been betrayed again! Wedding vows are no guarantee.

Then I realized that I can never be guaranteed what all of the future choices of another individual will be. Neither can anyone else on the planet be guaranteed that their spouse will never have an affair. There are no such guarantees in life. I wish it were different, but that is reality. One thing no person can take away from another is their own right to choose. And really…would we want to?

How loved would I feel if another was forced to love me?

Prior to our meeting this week, I put out an email to the Beyond Affairs Network asking other coordinators, how they got past the sadness. Here are their responses which I shared at our meeting:

“It was the hardest of emotions for me to overcome, but I finally accepted the fact that it happened and that I had no control over the actions of my spouse. I continually reminded myself that unless I controlled my own actions, I would be bound by my own stubbornness to remain in the anger and resentment stage. The constant dwelling on what happened is what keeps people stuck there. Again I had to control my own thoughts and move ahead. It’s not an easy thing to do, but it can be done especially if you choose to stay focused.”

Another wrote:

“I think, hard as it is to accept, that ‘tincture of time’ is the best way to get past both the hurt and the anger. I also know that it is possible to get stuck in either place. So what I did, instead of trying to rush the process, was to really LET myself be sad and then to LET myself be angry for a while. I had spent so much time and energy trying to move on, that I found I was denying myself the right to feel what I NEEDED to feel in order to heal.

Once I acknowledged my feelings and that I wasn’t crazy for feeling them, it was much easier to let them go. Now when negative feelings come, I can acknowledge them and put them away much faster. But it doesn’t happen overnight. It has been nearly 3 years for me and I’m finally getting there.”

Another affair survivor wrote: “For me, the greatest skill for dealing with sadness is gratitude. Define it. Practice it. It seems trite to say count your blessings when you’re in the midst of such pain, but there is no denying the practical benefits of just doing. It’s scriptural and I think it’s psychologically sound. This is NOT denial. It’s perspective and coping until time has had the chance to work its magic.”

Then I read Peggy Vaughan’s article “Moving from Pain to Recovery”, where she talks about the importance of controlling your thoughts. What we feed grows. If we allow ourselves to replay the pain over and over again in our minds, we don’t move forward, in fact, it can get worse with time, if time is spent nursing and rehearsing the wound over and over again. This is where it becomes so important in the healing process to educate ourselves and to share with others who understand, which is the purpose of Beyondaffairs.com, constructive ideas and efforts to get beyond the painful emotions.

One woman shared how taking anti depressants (only for 6 months) had helped her to cope with life at somewhat of a normal level during the initial discovery period. Others managed their pain, and often depression that accompanies discovering marital infidelity, through cognitive therapy (which is learning to understand, recognize and control your thoughts).

During our meeting, one individual brought to our attention the value of a good comedy!!! What a great, but often overlooked point! Sometimes you’ve just been dealing with the darn stuff too long.

You need to go out and have a good laugh. Give all those serious, deep thinking, tragedy moments a rest. Search for things that make you laugh. A good laugh is medicine for the soul.

Getting past the sadness, it’s a choice. We choose whether we will read books, educate ourselves, increase our understanding, learn from others and most of all whether or not WE will control our thoughts. Can you get past the sadness? Absolutely! But it takes time and it is YOUR choice.

The above article was written by Anne Bercht and is featured on the web site for PassionateLife Seminars, which is a dedicated to helping others survive marriage affairs, infidelity, adultery and betrayal. Anne’s book, My Husband’s Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me is an inspiring true story of one family’s courage and recovery after a devastating affair.

This particular article is one of many they have posted on the subject of surviving infidelity and healthy recovery from extra marital affairs. You may want to visit their web site to see what else they offer which might further help you in some way with this issue. You can visit their web site by going to Beyondaffairs.com.

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132 responses to “How Can I Get Past The Tremendous Sadness?

  1. (Canada) Its been about a week since my husband walked out on me and my daughter. As far as I know there was no other woman. My story is very strange and haven’t found any like it, so finding sites has been a struggle. Friday was like any other day, woke up together, had breakfast, lunch, dinner, but my husband works away from home and sometimes he needs to go on Saturdays, which is fine.

    So he was gone all day Saturday, but he was supposed to come home for his firefighters Christmas party. He didn’t come home, and he had turned off his phone. I couldn’t reach him until Sunday morning. Not going to sugar coat anything, but I was a little angry that he couldn’t call, and tell me he was staying in the city. But he wouldn’t pick up his phone until Sunday afternoon, when he said to me, I’m moving out, I’m busy right now getting furniture from a friend, I’ll call you back later. Then he hung up on me and turned his phone off.

    Picture the kid from home alone, but with a silent scream splashed on my face. Seriously who does that?!! There were no fights or arguments that lead up to him moving out! Nothing!!! So yes, I was in a state of shock and couldn’t understand how one minute he’s fine and we’re fine then the next he’s picking up furniture to move out?

    So after that week, as I like to call it, “hell week,” he and I fought over the phone, not long calls, he usually would end up hanging up on me or saying nasty things so I would end up hanging up. His reasoning was he has been depressed for 6 months now and he can’t live like that anymore. Lets fast forward shall we? This is the next Saturday, and he phones me. After a week of threats and talking about divorce he phones me when he’s driving to see his sister and her new baby, which is a good 3 hours away so he has time, probably the best conversation we’ve ever had!

    Then Sunday, he drops by to see his daughter, we sit down and have a decent talk again. Monday, same thing, but by Monday we’re talking about moving and finding a place closer to his work. We’re talking about getting back together, seeking counseling to help us become a family again. It’s now Tuesday, “hell week” is in the past and we’re keeping it there. But now I’m feeling this anger kick in and frustration along with hurt! I just don’t understand how I can honestly live with someone who found it so easy to up and abandon me! I feel like the other shoe is about to drop any minute now and I’m anxious about that. I’m scared of being abandoned again. I don’t know if I could ever trust him or feel confident he’ll never do that. I know there are no guarantees and that’s terrifying to me, to put my trust, my love my all back into someone who could just leave, with no word, no signs, no remorse!

    How can I trust again? I know I don’t want to live in the past and relive “hell week” ever again. I’m not sure if wife abandonment syndrome is real or not but I feel like I have it, and I feel like if I go back to him or let him back in I’m just setting myself up for disappointment, to constantly walk around on eggshells, asking myself “is he going to leave me this weekend?” or “is he having a good day, so he won’t leave me?”

    Maybe we’re better off alone, maybe we’d make better friends. I’m so confused right now and whenever I talk about us or how I’m feeling I can feel the tension on his end of the phone. It’s almost like he’s saying “ah she’s griping again” when really I just need for him to listen and not resent me for feeling this way, the way that he made me feel in the first place!

    1. I know what you are going thru. My husband was my soul mate, my one true love. We had a good sex life, a comfortable life, I thought we had everything. Then one day he comes home from work and he’s yelling. He’s saying he doesn’t love me and that I’m incapable of loving him; that he isn’t happy. I have a shopping bag in my hand and I’m saying something and he runs toward me and kicks that bag and it shreds on the floor.

      I cannot believe what is happening, I don’t believe what is happening. I’m feeling kicked in the gut because I never saw this coming. It’s like this for about a year, him threatening to leave and divorce me. I finally say go if you want, I don’t care anymore. He doesn’t leave. Fast forward to 7 years later. I still remember that day like it was yesterday. We still are not back like it used to be. I don’t talk much anymore and I still don’t know where we went wrong. Every day I expect that he’ll come home like that. I have a plan to leave, I just need three more years and then I’m leaving. I know that I can’t stay like this because it still breaks my heart and I still don’t know the why of it. I’m pretty sure he has had/is having an affair so maybe that’s it. I don’t know and I can’t care any more.

  2. I found out my husband cheated on me with who I considered my best friend back in July. After that I decided to snoop through his phone and discovered he had been texting multiple other women telling them inappropriate things. It has been 6 months now and I feel that I’m just getting worse. I’ve tried leaving him numerous times (kicking him out of the house) and he just keeps begging me back. Part of me wants to work it out but I know I can’t if I can’t overcome my feelings of anger and hurt. It’s so hard on my health.

    I still love him to a degree, but the trust is not there and am not sure if it will ever be again. I can’t go through this again if he’s unfaithful in the future. We’ve been married for over a year. We’ve both been married in the past. Why do men have to be so dang weak? All I’ve done today is lay on the couch and watch tv. I’m sad and have no ambition or strength. I really want my happy self back. I wish all of you, who have also been hurt in this way, the best. You’re not alone.

    1. I am in a similar position. I’m missing the me I used to know. I’m missing the husband I trusted and I’m missing the sense of surety I had in our relationship. I feel so lost and I have moments where I imagine killing myself just so that I can stop feeling all this excruciating emotional, physical, spiritual and mental pain and anguish. I imagine that this is what torture feels like.

      I’m wasting away inside and out since my husband admitted to a one night stand with an old friend a year into our relationship. He kept this secret for 14 years. In the last 6 months he has been developing a friendship with a woman through work, deleting their messages so that I never see them. He swears there was nothing more, and the messages were only friendly, to over friendly, and mostly about work. I discovered that he has been watching porn for the last 3 years, from around the time that my mother became incurably ill.

      I’ve been so sick with worry about it that I actually became ill myself each year over winter for 3 to 4 months at a time. This last year I ended up in hospital unable to get enough air. It was the same month he had drinks with her at a work function, after which they started messaging each other. I just don’t know what to believe.

    2. I’m still bitter and heartbroken. I’m writing this because I feel this is my therapy. When I found out my husband was secretly meeting someone, I was devasted. I can still remember my heart hurt so bad. The room was spinning and my hearing decreased. My stomach was tied up in knots! After that I did everything I could to learn about what he was up to. I’ve become a very good detective. When I approached my husband about his cheating, he looked straight at me an lied! He lies very well. He knows what I want to hear, so he acts so sincere and says he “would never cheat on me” and that I’m “insecure.”

      When I started pointing things out to make my point, he started yelling at me before I could get everything off my chest. Then I realized it was his tactic to yell at me an shut me down before I could expose him. So then I knew I had to take a different approach. When he was at work, I took pics of all he evidence I had, then sent him a text with everything. He didn’t respond. How could he? His lies wouldn’t work or couldn’t explain the pics of his text mgs and other things! I felt better to get everything off my chest through my text msgs without any interruptions. It was truly healing for me. I was very naive and unsuspecting for a long time. I’m tired of being sad, bitter and resentful. I ate and ate to fill the pain in my gut and I became overweight. I hated myself for not seeing the cheating signs. It’s ALL not healthy. I’ve become very controlling and obsessive. It’s like I tried to build a wall in all dimensions of my life to limit the chances my husband could cheat, but couldn’t build one high enough.

      One day, I was reflecting on the many things my dad told me…how I was special, dutiful, faithful, a loving and helpful daughter, a sweetheart…my daddy cherished me. Then I thought, “Dad and Mom would be heartbroken if they saw just how much of a mess I’ve become!” Then one morning I said to myself, “If I can’t do it for myself, I’ll do it for my parents!” I deserve to be happy and healthy. The next morning I woke up, made myself a very nice cup of coffee and sat outside to enjoy the beautiful morning! I enjoyed the soft sunshine, the birds were actually chirping…maybe singing and the fresh air and breeze just brightened me up. I breathed in the beautiful morning sunshine, air and life! I said to myself, “I’ve been sad and in pain for too long.”

      I made another enjoyable cup of coffee and made a healthy list of all the healthy things I enjoyed. I started walking early in the mornings and eating healthy! I’m still overweight, but I love myself again. I realized that I can’t ever control what my husband does, but I can control my actions or reactions. His cheating was never about my lack of beauty or capability or anything else. It’s ALL about his lack of integrity, loyalty and selfishness.

      My husband is still in my life, but I don’t hate him anymore. The bitterness and heartbreak is decreasing. I forgive him, but I mostly forgive myself for all of my actions and thoughts. Through all your pain and agony, love yourself and do what you need to do to take one step (sometimes a half step) forward toward healing and loving your life. Be healthy. Peace to your heart :)

      1. I was blessed by your response. My story is tragic and I’m so confused and freightened. You gave me some hope!

      2. Thank you. I needed to read something inpiring. 6 months ago I lost my existence. Every morning I wake up to the same day. The same thoughts, same sadness, same anger and heartbreak. I am lost. I don’t know who I am anymore, where I’m going or what I’m doing. I recently made some changes hoping it will help me on my journey to recovery. I need to focus on myself and find myself again. I need to clear my head of all the negative thoughts. I only have this one life to live, and I promise myself it will be a good one! I deserve happiness; we all deserve to be happy. This morning I woke up by myself, alone but not lonely. I woke up to birds chirping in the middle of winter. Snow on the ground, crisp cold air, but the sun was shinning and the birds were singing to me. I’ve never been on my own, I was scared to be alone. But this morning I did not feel lonely. I felt alive. I now feel hopeful. Thank you.

      3. I am going through very bad situation, but I think instead of separating if I stayed in same house and do my things and keep myself busy it could be nice. As I tried staying in a seperate house for three months but my mind is stuck in my house with my husband in it. It’s forty years of our marraige and so it’s difficult at my age of sixty to stay separate. I am confused. There are many relatives to look after me but I want my husband. Now I am separated for three months, I think I’ll give some more time to this but I know I am very sad.

    3. I know how hard it is to keep it in for so long when you even caught him in your own bed with another woman. It sickens me so much. I lost over 70+ lbs just a little over a month. I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep. I was so sad and hurt as to why or how he could do this to me and the kids. I was so sick of him yelling at me for no reason at all. He even pushed me down a few times because he didn’t want to tell me the truth and how he is still talking to this other woman in his life.

      I have been taking care of the kids for years when he was not really there for them. I feel so sorry for him that this is how he thinks a marriage is to be like. I’ve thought in my heart that I’ve always been there but yet you walk away from the family even when I was in the hospital for a week; you never once came to see me, to see how I was doing. When I was always there for you in your times of need. Yet you stayed away from me and the kids. It hurts so bad that I bottled it up and could not take it anymore. You have changed in a big way that I don’t know a thing about you anymore, even why you could do this to cause me and the kids so much pain –a wife that you have left behind.

  3. My life has gone from being a fairy tale to a nightmare in one fell swoop. Autumn 2012, my husband (married in 1999) was in the throughs of an extremely ANGRY, mid-life crisis in which every terrible thing wrong in his ENTIRE life (even prior to when we met) was somehow MY fault. He shockingly left me & the 5 kids & moved in w/a (cop) co-worker. In a last-ditch effort to persuade him to come home, I PRIDE-lessly begged him to go on a Royal Caribbean Cruise that I’d desperately purchased for us, December 14th-17th, 2012, – “the Honeymoon we’d never had.” This would surely fix everything, I thought.

    Miraculously, it DID! Or so it seemed. We had the most wonderful time we’d ever had together. We reconnected, communicated and he agreed to return home.

    Upon our return to port, he informed me he would drop me off at home and stay the night at his coworker’s, where he’d been staying -despite the fact that I’d returned home ill. He’d left his uniform at his friend’s house & since the house was just around the corner from his work, he would return home the following night, December 18th, 2012, after his shift, which he did. We enjoyed Christmas, 2012.

    New Year’s 2013, January 31st, I innocently looked at his open laptop on the coffee table on Facebook to see if there were any new family photos. There in black and white was the most profane exchange between he and a nurse from work. It dated back to Early October, 2012 – a time I was away for the first time EVER, celebrating my mother’s 75th birthday out-of-state. At his insistence, I stayed for a whole week, rather than a few days as I’d initially planned. Now I knew why.

    He denied, denied, denied then finally, little-by-little, would admit a little “snippet.” So Cowardly and Childish – it was literally like talking to a CHILD. In other words, if I didn’t ASK, he wasn’t TELLING. He admitted to being “with her” ONCE – which I knew from the start was a lie.

    From that day forward, I asked him EVERY day to tell me the WHOLE TRUTH. He swore on MY LIFE, OUR CHILDREN, TO GOD, that he had been with her ONCE. From January, 2013 to June, 2013, I wasted away before him. I couldn’t eat – I lost 75 pounds from my already-fit frame… still, he stuck to his story.

    June 20th, 2013 3:00am – the day after our wedding anniversary, something made me spring from bed to pour over the filthy photos his concubine had sent him during their “relationship” – only this time, a crucial detail leapt out at me – THE DATE – the JPEG date stamped on each and every photo, ONE in particular – The one dated “December 18th, 2012.” Yes, he had returned to port after our “Dream Cruise, left me at our home, ILL in bed, returned to his coworker’s house and was with her AGAIN THAT NIGHT.

    Everything I’ve ever dreamed and hoped for is gone. My life remains shattered. I see no end to this nightmare, aside from the sweet embrace of death. I don’t want to kill myself, I simply have no joy in living. Despite every measure I have taken, nothing has lifted me from the depths of my despair.

  4. My story isn’t much different from all the others I’ve read on here. Mine started a week ago. My husband is in a position where he works away from home on a regular basis.

    A week ago he showed me a message on his phone from a co-worker, I had the phone in hand and he swiped to the previous screen where messages from other contacts was listed. My eye caught a woman’s name, not a problem, the content of her message made me enter their chat. What a shock! In there was emotionally loaded messages, love names and wishes from him to ” be there” for her.

    He wanted to take the phone from me, I refused and continued browsing through the messages. It felt as if my world’s bottom fell out. I could see on his face he’d been caught.

    His explanation: She’s a colleague he had known for over 20 years; she is in a abusive marriage, her children are troubled and a whole lot of other negatives. He doesn’t love her, he cares for her as a friend. He loves me and doesn’t want to lose me, our marriage and what we have. Question is: WHAT do we have?

    To me this didn’t make sense, still doesn’t. Here I am alone at home most of the time, having to juggle everything when he isn’t around, having to make many a decisions on my own and he tells another woman he wants to be there for her.

    The emotions boiled over, anger & disappointment, hurt and dismay. He insisted she’s just a friend, my intuition tells me otherwise.

    Then this week I became a paranoid, needy, clingy person. I’m constantly checking up on him, I can’t eat, sleep or function properly. And he goes on as if this is of little significance. All these questions keep on going around in my head.

    Where did we go wrong? Am I woman enough for him? Will the trust ever be regained? Why? So on and so on.

    I’m not sure of anything at the moment, while he continues as if nothing happened. He told this woman he loves her. Where does this leave us?

    I realise this is going to be a long hard journey to recovery. The only constant now is my love for him. As for the rest, I am taking it from one moment to the next.

  5. My husband’s habits changed all of a sudden. His attention for me decreased suddenly and I knew something was wrong. On one occasion he was texting another woman explicit messages when I was right next to him. He tried to say ‘it was a joke’ but I didn’t believe him. He continued with it months later and my distrust grew. He then became violent when I confronted him. I had to separate from him. I was full of anger and bitterness and nobody around me felt my pain. They tried to tell me to ‘hang in there’. I felt like I was on death row. I have now found some peace and still pray for him and trust God will show me the way to go. I have learnt man can betray you but God will never forsake you.

    1. Hi everyone! I unfortunately understand how everyone feels. To my knowledge he has never slept with another woman but he may as well have. He’s always been flirtatious but I just thought he would grow out of it as he was young. Long story short, over the years of living together, getting engaged and married and now having a child, he has said inappropriate sexual things to numerous coworkers via social media and text. And these are just the ones I know of. One I found out after we got married -he had kissed and obtained naked photos of his coworker whilst we were engaged. I was devastated to say the least.

      I was so pathetic. I tried to change myself to be like the filthy women I thought he liked. I forgave and moved past but went through many years of depression trying to harm myself not only over his behaviour but other issues, put up with verbal and emotional abuse. At one point I was on anti-depressants had put on weight but thought things were going ok. He turns to me and tells me not to touch him because I repulsed him. Constantly put me down, told me I was fat, used to go out with friends without me until late hours of the night, told me to get over it and that I wasn’t going to control him so either put up or shut up. Threatened to go out and get sex from others if I didn’t lose weight and put out. He neglected me, used porn instead of having sex with me.

      Now the latest thing was during one of my depressed phases, which I was really struggling with due to work issues and his behaviour, I find out he was sharing intimate details of our relationship with his female coworker, flirting inappropriately by text and in person, and hiding her number under a guy’s name. This was happening all while I was severely depressed and needed his attention and affection. When confronted he tells me it was just flirty joking that meant nothing; it’s my fault because I was distant, he was getting advice and needed a female perspective, he’s done nothing wrong and it was just jokes, and that I need to get over it.

      So here I am 2 months since finding out, pregnant with my first child, crying everyday, trying not to mention this again because he’s sick of talking about it and gets angry if I mention it, feeling unloved, feeling like total utter crap whilst he’s telling me to get over it. I used to be a happy person, I don’t know what that is anymore. I feel ugly, rejected, neglected, fat, stupid, unattractive, boring.

      Today we fought because I asked him to stop going to the gym he goes to because she also goes there. He told me he’s not going to stop living his life and can’t control who goes to the gym. Tells me he no longer talks to her. He calls me a stupid jealous b….. I don’t know how to feel anymore. All I want is to be appreciated, respected and loved. I no longer believe in love, I’ve become bitter and hate men. I feel myself getting depressed again. He tells me he won’t do it again and I have to try to trust him. He tells me nothing happened. How do I learn to trust again when he’s lied to me so many times? I’m so broken. My spirit is so broken. He has no idea how this has made me feel and now blames me for not moving past this.

      It’s always what he wants when he wants it. My feelings don’t matter. I’ve only loved him. I’ve never been unfaithful to him. Sometimes I wonder why we go through life being loyal to people who keep wiping their feet on us time and time again. What lesson are we meant to learn? How to hate? I don’t even know what to feel anymore. I’m numb and just totally broken. I’m going to try and make it work for the child but I no longer know who I am. I’ve lost myself. I wish I could be care free like he is – not caring about how I affect others and just be selfish.

  6. My husband of 5 years left me and my two children 6 weeks ago. He left me for my best friend who lives two minutes down the road. Me and my children feel heartbroken. I don’t know how to stop the pain and the constant sadness. How could they do this to us?

    1. I will never, ever, ever understand how any spouse and parent can do this to their family. It’s as if promises and vows and the feelings of those they leave behind in utter life-shattering, life-changing grief means little to nothing to them. How could they justify doing this to ANYONE… ESPECIALLY children? Selfish… so, so selfish. I pray for you Amber, and pray for your children –that God will minister to your heart and your needs as you lean upon Him. He will never leave, nor forsake you.

      I also pray for your husband and this “friend” –that they wake up and turn and reject their sinful actions and emotions that are deceitful. Those emotions are driven by hormones, and chemicals inside… they aren’t sustainable. To give up a good family for a stolen one? … So wrong… so very wrong. No matter what was going on between you and your husband, or what was going on in his head… it never, EVER justifies cheating. And your “friend?” What a piece of work. My heart goes out to you, Amber. Do what you can to take care of yourself and your children during this horrible time. Look for ways to bring smiles, and peace, whenever possible. I pray the Lord helps you in this.

    2. Strange Monica. That is my name too and I discovered my husband’s infidelity on Sept 16 th 2015, and I can’t seem to move past the pain of what he did. We were to celebrate our 20 th anniversary on Sept 23rd but as I said he got caught on the 16th and my life has been upside down with emotions since then. Some days are ok; then there are the ones I feel nothing but pain and rage which I feel totally alone in although he said he is sorry and doesn’t feel anything for her. I feel that if he ever loved me he couldn’t have done that with her. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

      1. I understand your pain. I also understand that you and I serve a God who promises to provide a garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness. God gives us the power to prophesy over our future and those words –negative or positive –come to pass. I encourage you to write down your hurt, share it with your covenant mate or an empty chair and fast from the negative thoughts.

        Speak God’s word over your situation. Look at what’s right in your life- For starters, your husband seems repentant!!! Praise God for this, as so many others haven’t taken that step in their relationship. Speak Eph 5:25, Josh 3:9-10, SOS 7:10, 8:7. Also plead the blood over your marriage, your mind and ask God to take away every fear and to place a spirit of forgiveness in your being toward your spouse and the OW. God is bigger and always causes you to triumph. Also get out and engage life. Date your husband weekly and re-connect…and stay connected. God bless you!

  7. I’ve recently found out my partner of 14 yrs was having an affair for a year and half. Its destroyed me and I can’t seem to cope. He was my life, my rock and he does this? I have 3 children and just turned 32, yet feel like I’m worthless. I caught him because I took a memory card out of his phone and there were at least 100 vids and pics of him and ?. I feel so, so lost :(

    1. I found out a year ago that my husband was having an affair with his cousin’s wife. Don’t know how long it’s been going on. He is my rock; my love of my life. We’ve been married for 36 years. My high school sweetheart. I Am lost. I am broke, my heart has been ripped from me. I’ve been praying and asking God to please give me hope. And to please guide my husband on the path to his wife and. Family, and that God comfort him and shield him from Satan. I have three grown daughters that are devastated. He tells me he Loves me. I do know he is on meth. He is lost and has a disease. I am just torn. I do believe in miracles. I’m so lonely without him. But right now I put this in God’s hands. I pray for you too as you are going through this …

  8. I just googled, ‘how can I work through the pain of infidelity’ and this site popped up. I only read the first article and put it down and cried. I really don’t know what to do, feel or say. I’m on holidays with my family in the US for Christmas; it’s our first overseas holiday as a family, which we planned and have saved for since January… and two days ago my wife confessed she has been having an affair this year! I was floored… what do you say to that?

    We have been married for just over 22 years and have 3 amazing adult kids (they’re in bed as I type this) and my wife is in bed also, after spending last night in a different hotel… and the clock is telling me it is now Christmas Day!

    I have so much swimming around in my head and churning in my guts. I feel my whole life is about to fall apart. I love her, and while out jogging at 5 a.m. this morning (I couldn’t sleep) I prayed and cried out to God, and in my heart and through his word I know I am to forgive as I have been forgiven. But this is only day 3 and I feel so betrayed, disappointed and heartbroken. I’m finding it hard to even look at her!

    I keep telling myself, I love her…we can work through this… then I’m drawn in my thoughts to the betrayal and it feels all undone again. She is deeply repentant and disappointed in herself and realises she is potentially losing everything we have invested in, life, love, family, future. All she has done is cry and beg forgiveness. Even as I dropped her at a hotel last night, I said, please understand this is only one night… but have you considered it may be forever? Bit harsh, maybe, but I couldn’t contain my hurt.

    She came back to our hotel today. It’s been very difficult for all of us and now I find myself sitting on the balcony on Christmas morning feeling like I’m in the middle of an unending terrible nightmare. I end with what I started with… I don’t know what to do or feel or say. I don’t think I am looking for answers although all advice would be welcomed. I think just sitting here and writing this may be some source of healing…I hope. This would have to be the worse pain I have ever experienced.

    1. So sorry Frankie that you find yourself in this place in your marriage… so, so sad for you. This is all so new, and finding a “new normal” will be difficult, but keep reading articles on this web site, reading quotes, and testimonies. You may find help in some of this that will help you on this painful journey. You will never be the same again after this kind of news, but please don’t lose hope that you will eventually be able to find your smile again and build a good life… hopefully together. We’ve known of many, many who have built very good marriages after this type of sledgehammer experience hits you upside the head. Please give yourself time, and lean into the healing the Lord has for you as you rebuild your life again.

      Please know that our hearts go out to you and our prayers go out for you. We pray the Lord helps you, guides you, comforts you, speaks to you, and works in and through you in this situation within your marriage and family life. We also pray God infuses hope into your heart that you will eventually experience better days –ones that will bring a smile to your heart. “May the Lord direct your heart into God’s love and Christ’s perseverance.” (2 Thessalonians 3:5)

      And this is our prayer: “that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ –to the glory and praise of God.” (Philippians 1:9-11)

      1. I am awake tonight, unable to sleep and crying from these people’s stories. I have been obsessing over my Husband’s affair and the mistress. I almost feel like giving up the marriage would be easier than trying to move forward. We have 4 kids at home. He ended it but I know they were friends so there was a connection. It’s like a ghost in the room.

        1. Wow. When you said “it’s like a ghost in the room” I knew exactly how you feel, I just could never find the words. That is what’s it’s like, just keep walking around that ghost wondering when it will appear again. Always on pins and needles.

    2. Dear Cindy, I need some advice please. I often experience what I’m currently going thru. Whenever we are at gatherings, socials or in church, there is always one or the other woman flirting with my husband (I will then bring this up at a later stage and point out incidents etc). Believe it or not more in church than anywhere else, as this is where we spend most of our time, during the week and every Sunday.

      Right now in church is this young married woman (almost half our age) flirting with my husband. She will wear seductive clothing and when she thinks I’m busy or not looking, she will purposely try to lock eyes with my husband, try to be around him or in his eye view. I don’t know how to handle it and even considered flirting with her husband. I feel like attacking her! I mentioned it to my husband on which he said he was not aware of it (and never is, whenever I mention these situations). I don’t know if this is the truth, even though I do know he’s a faithful husband. He will always say that he doesn’t “notice” women or that he doesn’t have any sexual thought line towards other women. What makes him different, as I know men do look? I think he thinks I’m imagining these things or he wants me to believe I’m imagining myself.

      I am extremely jealous and have now started to ignore her, don’t greet her and am actually watching her all time. It’s eating at me and as we have lots of church meetings and have to deal with these feelings all the time. I actually dread going to church. I feel like saying something nasty to her and many times thought of telling the pastors, but there’s no evidence when it comes to flirting and it can easily be denied by her and they might just think my husband actually encouraged it in the first place. I need to mention tho, that my husband is very respectful and honorable by then staying clear of the particular person. Maybe he was looking at her and she felt flattered? and is she now trying to pursue something??

      On one other occasion long before the above, also at church, I actually saw my husband’s eyes fell on a lady wearing a mini and quickly looking away again (which is natural), which she also saw and there after I noticed she started to flirt.

      1. Hi Lisa, I can sure understand your concern in this matter. Sadly, just because we’re at church, or with another “Christian” it doesn’t mean that he or she will act in ways that would reflect Christian values. It SHOULD be that way, but it isn’t. That’s why you need to stay alert and aware. Honestly, I’m not sure if you’re making more of this than you should (it all may be very innocent), but I have a feeling that the Holy Spirit is giving you a little nudge here to pay more attention than I believe your husband is. He may or may not understand what this gal is up to, but it’s good that you’re paying attention. Sometimes we need to protect our spouses in their naivety.

        But please don’t let that cause you to feel that you can act in un-Christ like ways with this gal either. Just because you feel she isn’t acting appropriately, that doesn’t give you a license to say or do things you shouldn’t. Attacking is not good, letting it eat you alive is not good (the imagination can go places it shouldn’t… and that is sin), neither is acting cold or saying snide remarks to her. You will come across as unChrist-like as she is.

        Pray and ask the Lord what He would do in this circumstance. Do what Jesus would do. You may need to talk to your pastor to ask his opinion of what to do, and/or eventually talk to her (in Christian love). You may need to tell her that you love your husband and he loves you and that you are uncomfortable with the way she acts around him sometimes. Don’t accuse at this point (because you don’t know for sure if your feelings about her actions are true), just try to make it known that you need her to respect the boundaries that she should honor with any married man –your husband or anyone else’s.

        She may not be aware that her behavior appears to be flirty and intrusive, or she may, but she isn’t aware that you feel this way, just as any wife should. A female and a male who are not married can talk more one-on-one with each other and lock eyes. But when a single person is talking to a married one, there needs to be a bit more relational distance. Find a nice way to tell her that. And then keep your eyes open.

        Also, let your husband know that you appreciate it that he is faithful to you in word and deed. It’s important for our spouses to know that you know there is temptation out there, but yet they remain faithful. It means a lot. Don’t take his faithfulness for granted and let him know that you don’t take it for granted. He IS a good catch and you know it and you love the fact that he’s a faithful partner to you –honoring you and honoring God. That makes him all the more of a wonderful husband that you love and appreciate in this world where there are too many who don’t adhere to the same high moral values.

        1. Dear Cindy, thank you for your immediate response. Thank you for the advice and wisdom. I will definitely apply it. Thanks and God Bless.

  9. After reading all your stories I feel your pain and am going through many of your similar situations. I was a loving husband and was blind sided about the affair and the pending divorce. I pray each day and will include each and everyone of you in my prayers as well. Together we may find peace and happiness.

  10. Since the day that I found out that my husband was looking for somebody else but me, he was flirting in front of me disrespecting our marriage in all ways possible. I haven’t been able to get over it. I’ve tried to pretend that everything is fine. We’ve been in counseling for a while and it helped, but I don’t trust him anymore. This is killing me. I want to be the same person I was full of energy, positive, and happy. I look myself in the mirror and all I see is sadness, anger and hopelessness, please help me.

    1. Betty, this is a severe, deep wound that cut into you. It’s not something you will easily recover from, nor will you ever be the same, as a result of what happened –whether you’re with or without your husband. Your innocent trust has been taken from you. But that doesn’t mean that you will never smile again or get back to being a more positive person, it just means that now, you will see life through eyes that have cried and a heart that has been broken. You will filter things differently.

      Please give yourself grace and patience in getting to a better place emotionally. You have been traumatized. It’s a type of Post Traumatic Stress that you’re recovering from… you need time, and the eyes and a heart that are wide open to healing –doing healthy things that will get you there. Prayerfully, your husband will help in this journey to healing. But please don’t expect any type of trust to build overnight. It’s step by step. If you lean into healing, as the Lord directs you, you will get there eventually and your energy and positive attitude will be restored. I join you in hoping and praying that for you.

  11. I can’t even believe it but I guess just putting it down will help me accept it. My husband had an affair. His AP is married also and called me at work to let me know that for a year my husband and her were meeting in hotels. This was last year however it feels like yesterday. He and I have been together since 15… 24 years. He said I ignored him… denied him of sex….made him feel insecure… it’s because I worked too much… had our son in the bed… liked the attention… this happened.

    For me, I have a million justifications to leave but why am I still here!?!?!?!? I am so angry that he could be soo selfish and so creepy. Why couldn’t he have just told me?!!! Why don’t people just leave and not cheat and just be honest before they destroy everything in the path of families and honesty? I am angry and feel forever heartbroken.

    1. I agree JW… so sad for you –so much loss. There is NO justification for this. If he was unhappy, then he needed to say so and do something about it in an HONEST way. There is no excuse for this… he did this because he was tempted and allowed himself to do what he shouldn’t. Yes, those things could have made him more vulnerable, but they NEVER justify cheating. This tells more of his character than anything else. I pray the Lord helps to heal your broken heart as you lean into Him.

  12. I was in a relationship for ten years and it will be a year on Valentines day, that I realized he was having an affair. I’m still so sad and don’t understand why I’m not angry. It still hurts like it was yesterday. I feel really depressed and helpless. I put on a good face for work and family but feel like I’m dying inside.

    1. The anger will come after the hurt. It’s a process. My advice… get out while you can. Been riding this roller coaster for 33 years. Tired…

    2. I found out a year ago that my husband was having an affair with his cousin’s wife. Don’t know how long it’s been going on. He is my rock; my love of my life. We’ve been married for 36 years. My high school sweetheart. I Am lost. I am broke, my heart has been ripped from me. I’ve been praying and asking God to please give me hope. And to please guide my husband on the path to his wife and. Family, and that God comfort him and shield him from Satan. I have three grown daughters that are devastated. He tells me he Loves me. I do know he is on meth. He is lost and has a disease. I am just torn. I do believe in miracles. I’m so lonely without him. But right now I put this in God’s hands. I pray for you too as you are going through this …

    3. Meg I know exactly what you mean. Family and friends tell me I’m so strong. But I’m dying inside. Put on a Happy face. But tears fall every day and night. I’ve lost 35 pounds in 8 months. My heart has been ripped from me.

  13. My husband had a 3 year (on and off) relationship with another woman. I discovered this when she came to our door to confront him for breaking up with her. I choose to forgive him, but I cannot forget. I find myself looking at pictures of them on her Facebook. I truly love him and he tells me he loves me. I know I need to break it off and go on with my life, but the pain keeps me chained to him. I feel degraded and humiliated, yet, I can’t let go. We have been together 15 years. Well, 12, since I don’t count the years of the affair. Trouble is, I suspected and confronted him several times. He always denied and all his friends knew it was going on.

    1. Jaybe, your story is very similar to mine. The only difference is the way I found out. Out of nowhere I get a phone call while driving my daughter to lacrosse. It is the husband of the other woman. I had to somehow pretend everything was ok since my daughter was in the car and ask if I could call him back. My life just came crashing down on me. Now I live in fear of caught off guard all the time. He was so good at hiding the affair for 3 years, he could easily do it again. We are still together, mainly because our youngest daughter, 16, has been going through a very difficult time and we both needed to be here for her. I still wonder if I am making the right decision in staying, I feel as if part of me is slowly dying. I miss being confident, secure, and happy.

  14. Good day, maybe I can get help. I’ve been married for ten years now. And since we’ve been married my husband has been cheating until in 2012 he had a baby with another lady. We spoke about it and I prayed. He promised not to repeat again and we both agreed that we will support the child and he will separate from the mother.

    As time went by he started to refuse to engage me in supporting the child. He said the mother of the child is not comfortable. I suspected that he was lying; maybe he doesn’t want to tell the lady the truth and he is still in love. We continued living like that. I have been feeling this pain. On 2015 I realised that the lady is pregnant again with the second child of my husband. After confronting him he never denied it. And he said he wants to marry the lady. I’m a Christian. I don’t agree with polygamy and feel like just quitting as he has been betraying me. Now he is saying to me we have to plan for our anniversary in August 2016. I’m confused on how to handle this. Please help.

  15. I found out in October that my husband had been sleeping with my best friend. I don’t know who hurt me more, him or her? It’s been 5 months now and I’m still so angry and untrusting towards everyone. I have no friends anymore; I can’t trust them. I’m trying so hard to forgive him. I know that he’s sorry but I just feel so down, anxious, frightened and very lonely all of the time. My husband says I’m pushing him away; maybe he’s right. I’m not the same happy fun person I was before. I want to be. I want my marriage to make it and the hurt to go away. I want to stop crying any suggestions?

    1. Sarah, I’m so sorry for what you are suffering. It’s absolutely horrible to have your spouse do this to you, but then to have your best friend do this with him… that has got to be so very much worse. Please know that my heart cries for you. I can’t even imagine the pain.

      The best we can do for you is to encourage you to read and glean through the articles and quotes and testimonies that are posted on this web site as it pertains to infidelity. This is a very difficult journey for you that you will need to go down –one you never thought you’d have to… but what your husband and best friend did to you by cheating as they did, put you upon this rocky road. Use the articles as vehicles to help you process this in healthy ways, leaning upon the Lord to be your “Wonderful Counselor.” He knows very well what it is to be betrayed by those He loves, so He can guide you. Also, you may want to go to the web sites we provide links to because they have additional info that could help you. Many of them have dealt with being cheated on, so they know how to best minister to your hurts.

      Please be patient in this process. There’s no doubt that you don’t want to be… who would? It’s painful. But you were stabbed in your heart by those you love. That type of trauma doesn’t go away over night. But healing IS possible. I’ve seen it over and over and over again. But those who do best are those who lean into the healing process. I encourage you to do so. Please know that my prayers and hopes are with you that eventually you will find your smile, and eventually your laugh again.

  16. It has been almost 2 years since learning of my husbands 3 year affair. I hear what everyone is saying, about moving on is a choice, I just don’t understand how to do that. The pain and insecurity are breath taking at times. I really would like advice on How to choose.

  17. I don’t think my story is like another! I met him, and we fell in love in the blink of an eye! We were soon married and trying to have kids! But somewhere, something went wrong! Soon I felt neglected and alone! We sometimes even slept apart! I felt as though I begged for affection! We both started seeking interests outside of our marriage! And before you know it we were divorced! It happened so quickly!

    After only three months of being apart, I realized we didn’t fight hard enough and I loved him regardless of what we’ve been through! And soon we got back together, I was a better woman, more loving and understanding! Throughout 2015 I fought hard this time to save and keep our relationship! Only to find out he was having MULTIPLE affairs! I tried being understanding and soon forgave him! Only to then find out (two weeks ago) one of the women was having his child!

    I became devastated, crushed, hurt! I’m in physical and emotional pain! He then ended the relationship! I’m not sure if he is with her or not! But I feel betrayed, seeing also that we were trying to conceive all the while! I’m so ashamed to even speak about it! Some days I beg God to call me home, others I cry myself to sleep! I haven’t even had a proper meal in weeks! I can’t even see the end to this pain! While I was trying to fix my family he went ahead and just started another! How can I ever cope with this! I need help!

  18. I am so hurt, my husband was cheating for about 6 months, I found out today when she texted him. Our marriage of 23 years is over. I want to drive and drive and leave this world. He betrayed me.

    1. Dear Elizabeth, You are not alone. I’ve faced my husband’s infidelity for years. I believe he has a personality disorder, i.e. narcissistic personality disorder. I realize this is a Christ centered site, and God doesn’t view sin as a personality disorder, it is merely sin, but all I’ve read about narcissistic personality disorder seems to fit so many of the profiles here of those that have cheated.

      I’ve never experienced such pain as the pain as a result of his cheating. I know your heart and stomach are on the floor. I know you are so sick about it you may not even be able to cry. Your grief is a trillion pounds. No one understands except for those who have been through it. Please know that you are not alone.

      I have cried out to God for help, for deliverance. But I’ve also felt myself pull away from God in order to seek a worldly answer to the pain. I know this isn’t the answer but I find myself doing it.

      Your grief though won’t last forever. I suggest you read as much as you can about other woman experiencing similar situations and pray. Really, there is nothing else to do to control what happened. What he has done, and continues to do is ultimately his free will choice. No amount of crying, yelling, screaming, asking, begging, obsessing, snooping, manipulating, or raging will change it. Now or ever. Embrace this and don’t allow yourself to wallow in it. It’s his crime; try not to do the time.

  19. My husband cheated on me for the past year I just found out 2 weeks ago and it has been the worst pain I’ve been through. I’m still in shock and can’t believe he did this to me. I trusted him so much because I knew in my heart he wouldn’t cheat since he always talked about God and read the Bible. But it was all a lie; he knew how to hide it so well.

    I came to find out by one day that I looked through the call history since he was receiving a private call. That is when I saw the number he was making phone calls to from work. This was going on for a year. I don’t know if he had intimacy with her but why erase the phone calls? Why lie? Right now I’m lost heartbroken and have so many thoughts. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about this. I spoke to her one day and she swore on her kids that they did not do anything, that they were just friends. HE also swore on the Bible that he did not cheat but I can’t believe him. I just can’t. Something inside me tells me different.

    I hope that one day I could forget about this and move on but for now the person I am is no longer inside me. I became a sad, distrustful person. I no longer enjoy the things I used to do and I pray that I could forget about this and be myself again.

    1. We are all collateral damage from immature men/women, unhappy with THEMSELVES who choose the EASY way out of fixing their OWN issues. Affairs are lies and selfish and have nothing to do with us! Remember that. The betrayal is brutal and the loss of trust and belief in what love is, is shattered. I am one year post affair and feel like you all. I find huge comfort in reading your words as we all share this same experience. Feel the feelings; don’t run from them. We are all beautiful people who deserve to be loved and cared for and helped by our betrayer in our healing.

      1. I have found that the pain does not go away; but trusting in God has done wonders for me. My husband and I are trying to work things through but it is knowing that my God who loves me beyond my imagination & still has me safely tucked in His arms that keeps me going. The entire world can desert me; my husband, my children, my parents, but as long as God still loves me and is there for me, am comforted and can face any battles He allows in my life, to build me up to be Christ-like. He asks me to extend the same grace He gave me on Calvary to my husband, on a daily basis and also whenever the memory of his infidelity comes back.

        It is the HARDEST thing I have ever had to do in my entire life. But His ‘grace is sufficient’ and He promises to ‘Never leave you nor forsake you.’ He says, ‘nothing can separate you from His love.’ He asks us to give Him our heavy burdens that He may give us a lighter load. He has faced much worse betrayal and mistreatment than us. He knows what we have been through. He gave us free will and cannot interfere in our bad choices. He was therefore not a party to the hurt that we have gone through. He is trustworthy and is willing to walk this journey with us. I am staying in my marriage because my husband is remorseful but largely because God wants me to act out my faith and OBEY Him in extending His grace the same way He extended the same grace to me. If you do not know God or have a relationship with Him, i want to assure you that it would make a world of a difference going through this with Him. God bless you all and may His love for you be tangible enough for you to experience it.

  20. I can’t believe I am sharing this, but I feel alone and I just don’t understand. Next month my husband and I will have been married for a year. We are having the wedding that we couldn’t afford last year on our anniversary. One night in December I couldn’t sleep and felt pulled to his phone. I opened and what I found changed my life. My wonderful husband had been talking inappropriately, and sending picture to girls online.

    When I confronted him the next day I found that it had been going on since before we were even married and that he was also addicted to porn. We are working hard to get through it and he hasn’t relapsed in a few months but trusting him isn’t getting any easier. I have no idea how to work through this. His work hours don’t time for counseling and we can’t afford for him to take time off. I also have clinical anxiety and depression, which makes things that much harder. Any advice is welcome.

    1. Hi Sara, I could not let such a plea for help as yours go unanswered. I am a husband married 36 years with 2 adult children. You have been through a terrible and unexpected experience which has shaken you to your very core. From your short text I surmise that your husband was not defiant in his response to your confrontation, but instead remorseful, and, as you say, you two have been working through it now almost 6 months. The fact that you are working through it together is already a major step in the right direction. I believe that recovering from such a thing is done little by little- small steps at a time, as trust is slowly rebuilt.

      I would marshall all the help you can as soon as you can. Trusted friends, family, the counsel on this site, support from your church if you are part of one… people who know you and care for you…those people would be very willing to step in and support you. Professional help is very likely needed for a porn addiction, as this habit can be extremely difficult to break.

      Your husband needs to understand and appreciate the hurt this has caused you. Until he “gets it,” I think it will be hard for you to fully recover. Honest talking, praying, more honest communication…can only help.

      I am ashamed to say that I had on-line affairs until about 11 months ago. I knew this was wrong, but the attraction was very hard to break. It was only when my wife and I talked about it, and when I fully understood the effect this had on her, that I knew I had to summon all I had to “make the break.” Together we wrote letters to the online affair partners, and sent the letters together. I agreed to delete my social media page and did so. (This was VERY difficult to do!) The fact that my wife trusted me with the deletion of my page enabled me to forgo re-activating it (which I could easily have done.) I wanted her trust, and did not want the guilt that I knew would plague me if I went behind her back and got in touch with the affair partners again. I was fully aware that I was risking the destruction of my family. Had I not been very aware of what was at stake, I doubt I would have succeeded. Prayer and reliance on God was key.

      I hope these comments help. Hope is not lost, not at all. Many marriages have come through such times and not only survived, but have become stronger. This is true Sara.

      I hope we hear from you again. Many on this site have been through similar situations…we all have had our battles to fight. Here you are among friends. WP (Work in Progress)

  21. I’m in the same boat as you all, but my story goes back to 2006 when I was pregnant with our first child. I was about 2 months pregnant when I found out my husband of 3 years had been having an affair for couple years (that means he started cheating on me about 1 year into our marriage). Wow!!! This alone hurt so bad now, imagine going through this while being pregnant. When I confronted him he couldn’t deny it the evidence was there. He told me I’m leaving you for her and her 3 kids. It hurt me so much that he was willing to leave us for someone else’s family.

    Anyway, I was going through so much I literally begged him not to leave us. He ended up not leaving and he never really apologized for it he just said he would never again do it and he wanted to be here for our child. I didn’t really care; all I wanted was for him to stay and be there for our child and try to get our marriage back. It took me about 6 years to really forgive him and give him my full trust again, which he did really work hard to get.

    Things were going great between us. We had finally reached that awesome relationship we had always imagined, or so I thought. But about 10 months ago (Aug 2015) I started having this feeling something was going on with him. I just couldn’t pin point it. I thought maybe it’s just his stressful job. He also started becoming a little distant but, not enough for me to see any red flags. I would always ask him “what’s going on; tell me. I know there’s something going on.” He always denied it and it turned into an argument about how I’m insecure, crazy, bipolar imagining things.

    Anyway, So I kept asking here and there just very casually, never getting through. Fast forward to May 2016. I was logging into my FB page and saw that he had deleted me from his friends so, I thought I’d ask him. He said he deleted his Fb page therefore that’s why we weren’t friends anymore. But something told me he was lying. I had an uneasy feeling about all this so, I decided to look into it since I already knew his user name. I just had to figure out his password, which was easy… our sons name and date of birth.

    So I logged into his account. I didn’t find anything suspicious except that he had an unusual amount of lady friends. “Ok, I said, that’s not enough for me to suspect anything.” That is until I opened his messages and that is when I found out he had been messaging with one of his guy friends and Lo and Behold they were talking about girls. My husband was flaunting his many flings, affairs, and sexual encounters with women. Then I found out another message from a lady saying how much she missed him and other sex talk between them. I can’t believe it!!! Maybe I don’t want to. How could he after everything we went through the first time!!!? and knowing how many years it took me to get over it and trust him again?

    He took advantage of me knowing he had my full trust again. I can’t comprehend why??? I’ve given this man everything of me. I’ve been there for him when no one else would. I supported him, never gave him any reason to doubt my love and loyalty. I forgave him!!! I just keep asking “what did I do”? or was it something I didn’t do? Why God!? Why!!!?? I feel literally sick, tired, depressed, and angry. I’m asking myself if our marriage has always been just one big lie? I gave him everything including 2 beautiful children.

    I hate him for what he has done to us. I don’t think I can forgive him again. I plan on moving out as soon as he finishes school in about a month. He doesn’t know that I found out about all his cheating. Now I’m concerned; what if I have an STD? He has shattered my whole world and also I can’t help but somehow blame and be angry with God. I know it was my husband’s choice to cheat and not God’s but I just can’t help blaming him. I’m in a deep dark whole of depression yet again. I cry all day when he’s not here to see me.

    I just think my instincts were correct and he tried to make me believe that it was all in my head. I even started to doubt my mental health. He’d rather see me go crazy than admit his cheating. Now I know he really never cared or loved me. He stayed for pity; now I know this. He never loved me, he played me so good and I fell for it. I think he messed me up forever. Now I will never love the same or trust any man again ever.

    1. I am married to a person who is more than 20 years older than me. It was an arranged marriage; since the beginning he used me to party with his female colleagues and enjoyed drinking. I was only 20 and was unable to understand what was going wrong but not very happy with all this. We have two kids; he is providing everything to the family. Now it’s almost 18 years of my marriage and I know very well that my husband is never with me emotionally. He is with me only if I go to him and beg for love. He parties and calls other women and lies to me I feel betrayed. He puts all his energy into partying.

      1. So, so sorry that your husband is treating you this way. I will never, ever, ever understand how a person could be that selfish to marry and then fool around with others on any level. Either you marry and stay true to that person or you stay single so you CAN party with those you want to. I hope you find ways of building your life so you have things to smile about, and pray for you that the Lord comforts your lonely heart. My prayers are with you.

        1. He tries to be nice but he is emotionally very distant and never approached me for love. After office hours most of the days two to three times he is with his friends which I don’t approve then he lies. Now I had a big fight with him about these lies and secrets. I can’t bear these any more.

  22. I feel much better now because before reading the article, I just felt like killing myself. But I have realised that love cannot be forced and I have to move on with my life and be the best mother to my children. I will forget about the pain of betrayal from my husband.

    1. Thank you for your comment. I pray the Lord continues to give you hope, and helps you to reject thinking about killing yourself. Choose life. Your children will forever be grateful. Please don’t allow the enemy of our faith to convince you that your life is over. Yes, it has been horribly hurt, and the pain HAS to be tremendous. But God has a plan for you. Your life is not defined by this horrible event. Do what you can to get through each day, by leaning upon the Lord for His restorative help. Look for blessings and ways to smile and make your children smiles –even under rocks there can be blessings. You will not forget what happened, but eventually, God can redeem the pain and turn it around to bring blessings in some way. I’ve seen it over and over again. I pray for you and am asking the Lord to help you in the ways you need it, and give you comfort in ways that will be healthy and restorative.

  23. I am a practicing Muslim. I thought my husband was too. I discovered 8 weeks ago he has been cheating on me. I couldn’t speak to anyone except the local Christian chaplains wife. She is a neighbour and good friend. She has given me her Bible on loan to read. I have gained much comfort from the words and helps me to put balm on my wounds.

    Thank you, all you good caring people.

  24. I have been cheated on about 5 times. It feels like I am dead, but still on earth. I feel like nothing matters to me. I feel like I should die.

    1. So, so sorry Sylica, that you have been betrayed like this. I pray the Lord ministers to your heart and comforts you. Right now everything looks so dark, and understandably so. But trust that the sun will shine in your life again. No one deserves to be cheated on… I’m sad for you, but pray you will realize that you didn’t do this. You shouldn’t be ashamed; he should be. The fact that he could break your heart like this speaks horribly about his character. Please know that someone cares very much that you open your eyes each day… God cares, and so do I.