Marriage Missions International

How Do I Respond to Physical Abuse?

Image credit: rockinmarriage.com

Image credit: rockinmarriage.com

“Let me begin by saying that I cannot think of a circumstance in a marriage or family that could justify abuse of any kind —emotional, mental, physical, or sexual. Abusive behavior was never and can never be a part of God’s plan for a marriage or a family.

“For the sake of clarity, I’m going to limit this answer to physical abuse. And by this I mean assaulting, threatening, or restraining a person through force. It would include hitting, slapping, punching, beating, grabbing, shoving, biting, kicking, pulling hair, burning, using or threatening the use of weapons, blocking you from leaving a room or the house during an argument, driving recklessly, or intimidating you with threatening gestures…”

That’s the first few paragraphs of an article written by Dennis Rainey and Leslie Barner, posted on FamilyLife.com. We recommend you read it by clicking onto the link web site link below:

•  HOW TO RESPOND TO PHYSICAL ABUSE

If you have additional tips you can share to help others in this area of marriage, or you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
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52 Responses to “How Do I Respond to Physical Abuse?”
  1. Bulelwa says:

    (SOUTH AFRICA)  Do you divorce your husband when he is starting to abuse? I’m in a physical abusing marriage and I don’t know what to do.

    • Bettie says:

      (USA)  YES!!! Get out of there while you can. Please look at some of the other links on this site. The other links on abusive marriages will help you in so many ways. God wants us to have peace and happiness in a marriage, not pain.

    • Faz says:

      (ENGLAND) Yes. I have the same problem.

  2. Zandile says:

    (SOUTH AFRICA)  I know God hates divorce, but I can’t take this anymore. If he really loves me why must he abuse me so much?

    • Chloe says:

      (USA)  God knows your pain. His heart is for the oppressed (Ps 9:9). He came to heal the brokenhearted, to set the captives free (Isaiah 61:1-4). He knows that abuse is worse than divorce. Malachi 2:16 says that he who hates and divorces covers his garment in violence (English Standard Version). God doesn’t hate all divorce, or he wouldn’t have had divorce provisions in the Old Testament, and He wouldn’t have commanded the Israelites to divorce their wives in Ezra 10. He hates people treating each other with violence, tearing at the heart of oneness that marriage is supposed to be.

      God cares far more for your life than He is for your togetherness for the sake of appearing married. He hates the harm and mistreatment that you suffer. I would go so far as to say that He hates certain marriages, because they are a sham, giving one person the permission to continually violate another. If you are continually being abused, then He hates your marriage, not your divorce.

      What he feels for you is not love – it is lust and control. It is a strong feeling of wanting to possess you, have sexual access and get unconditional support. He may mistake that for love, not knowing what real love is. He may swear black and blue that he loves you, but do not be mistaken – this is not God’s love.

      Get some help – God is for you. He will help you rise out this oppression. Check out the other pages on this website.

      • Maggie says:

        (US) There is no evidence my husband knows God. He Lies & today became violent. I have asked God to Bless him & I am certain he will when my husband commits all to him. I allow my husband’s actions to stall my commitment to serving the Lord whole heartedly & no longer desire to let him. I already knew before he became violent again I had the answer. God has shown me over & over & fortified me to the work. Now I just need prayer & to know where he would have me & our daughter to go. Praying the actions I take are in God’s will & that I will solidly follow his leadership.

  3. Ghadeer says:

    (KUWAIT)  I live with a husband who abused me for 15 years and still abuses me emotionally, physically and sexual abuse; what do I do? It hurts me.

  4. Elena says:

    (CANADA)  I need advice. I have been married for 5 years and with my husband for 8 years and I am 24 years old. I love my husband and can not be without him. He lies to me about speaking to his old girlfriend even though I have made it clear that it wouldn’t bother me if he would just be honest with me. He also speaks to other women online though I don’t think he has actually slept with any of them.

    I feel ugly and worthless and do everything I can to have him notice me and tell me I’m beautiful but he has only said that maybe 2 times in the past 4 years. When I try to tell him how I feel he gets angry and tells me I’m crazy and need to relax and wont take me seriously. He started hitting me 2 years into our marriage and it keeps gradually getting worse. It’s always over something like me finding out he was talking to a girl and confronting him about it. He gets mad at me because he says he loves me and I need to learn to calm down and that its his business. He has broken one of my computers before during a fight and smashed my phone. He also recently smashed his computer because I caught him on skype with a girl and wanted to see his conversation and rather than showing me he smashed it.

    He also hits me and has even done so in public when we were driving even though all I am doing is trying to communicate with him. I’m scared of him but he says its my fault that he hits me and its my fault everything is broken. He says he’s teaching me to calm down by hitting me as if I’m animal he is traning. When I don’t confront him about other women he is fine though and does not fight with me but he still will not give me attention and I feel like I’m worried that he will leave me for someone else and want him to stop.

    I am not allowed to have friends and hit me once because I went to a friends thanksgiving at her parents and he didnt want me to. I don’t have anyone I can talk to and I need to know how to make him understand how I feel. I have been scared that he could kill me and he has choked me and I have 2 scars on my face from previous fights. I cannot divorce him because I love him too much and need him. Please help me. I don’t know what to do. I’m sorry it’s so long. We are both russian and I don’t know if that makes a difference.

    • G says:

      (U.S.A.)  I FEEL YOUR PAIN …I’M IN THE SAME PLACE. Talk to God and ask Him on a personal level, to give you answers. But let me tell you that your answers are in front of you. I don’t know you but we share so much. So far as a Christian friend… YOU ARE LOVED BY A LOT OF PEOPLE, BUT MOST IMPORTANT… GOD LOOOOOOOVVVVVVVEEEEEEESSSSSSS YOU, MORE THAT ANYONE. I understand you so much. I am in an abusive relationship too so I will start praying for not just me, but for women like you. …Love, Mama… BE CAREFUL.

    • Terre says:

      (USA) I’m in the same boat, almost same circumstances… except we’re engaged. I want to marry this man but as soon as I accuse him he becomes physically abusive. It’s not always… it’s every now and then. I don’t know what to do… he doesn’t want help. He always says he’ll stop if I stop.

    • Maribel says:

      (USA) Well, I know what you’re going through. I am actually 19 years old and I’ve been married for two 2 years. My husband hits me in my head for stupid reasons; he punches me in the face, my stomach, and chokes me. I don’t know what to do either. I don’t want my parents to find out, but there’s no other place I could go with my kids. I am scared of him because he would go to look for me. My parents would kill him, but the thing is that we live with his parents and they are the ones who would suffer and I don’t want that. They’re the best. Please help me!!?

    • Lonely from United States says:

      When I was reading you story. I thought it was me who was the one how wrote it. Your story is like mine but I have 4 kids and have been married for 16 years. My husband always beats me on my head until I feel dizzy and my eyes blur. My nationality is from Iraq. I have been in the U.S. for about 16 years. I don’t have any friends and am not allowed to have any. I am not even allowed to have a phone or talk to my family and no matter what I do he does not appreciate what I do for him. I am sorry I can’t type any more now because I am tired and can’t see clear. But when I was reading what was written it feels like I am not alone and not the only one to have a life like this.

      • Sara from United States says:

        Ladies, just remember you have so much family who loves you. You don’t have to tolerate any man’s abuse of any kind. When you realize how much your worth, maybe not to the men abusing you, but to your loved ones, you will walk away.

  5. Gliza says:

    (PHILIPPINES)  I have been married for 11 years and it’s only after our marriage that I discover that my husband is immature, no principles of his own, and loves to depend on others. Within our married life I’m the bread winner and am taking care of everything. I beg him to help me but he would just assure me in words, until I lost my respect and love for him after 4 years of our marriage. I hide it and just pretend I’m fine for the sake of our children until I can’t take it anymore. Depression is killing me and I felt I’m just being used and exploited.

    I decided to work abroad thinking that maybe I will realize when I’m away that I still need him, but its useless. Our relationship became worst when I told him what I really felt for him. I told him that I want to separate from him because I can’t take marital rape anymore. We always fight to the extent that we’re hurting each other physically. He won’t allow me to leave him and threatened me that he will kill me if I do that. The worst thing is he and his mother would talk to my children regarding our problem and told them not to go with me. In short they’re taking my children from me emotionally.

    I’ve been praying ever since that he would realize his responsibilities and be mature. I feel like I can’t move on because I’m always carrying him on my back. I want to let go of this burden and focus myself on God and my children, but I don’t know how.

  6. soooootired says:

    (USA)  Hi, I am a 41 year old woman,I have been in past realationships that were abusive including one marriage that was. I met the husband that I am with now, and he knows all about my abusive relationships in the past. When we first got together he told me he would treat me like a queen(not). I should have terminated the realtionship while we were just dating whenever I noticed the abuse, but I didn’t because my feelings were caught up.

    This man has punched me in my eye, and it swelled it up were I looked like a monster; i was so ashamed. I had to wear a wig to work, and put hair over my eye and a lot of make up to make it unnoticeable. The fight was over my money were I worked so many long and grueling hours while he sat at home on his a_s and did nothing. He has not worked but like one year out of our five year marriage. He has choked me so many times, just the other day, where I started coughing up mucous because he had a wrestling restraint on my neck, and almost killed me, all because he asked me a question and my opinion differed from his.

    While in the process of choking me, he did not know that his cell phone called mine and recored the whole grueling assault where he attacked me. I told him and let him listen to it; he got so upset and wanted me to erase it immediately because he feared that I would let his family hear it, but I didn’t. He has kicked me, and he has mentally abused me so bad over these five years, and it always seems to be my fault; and he always try to throw God in the equation some how and tell me that I am wrong, because I am not being an obedient wife.

    He has threatened to kill me, and also other members of my family if I tell that will try to come and protect me. I cannot do this anymore. One thing I know this is not love, especially from a man that said he would never do this to me after knowing my past. He is selfish, and does not care about anyone else but his own self. I have put up with this man’s drug abuse, and his infidelity with many women.

    I am just tired,and I am preparing to leave. I hope you other ladies think about it, because your life is worth it, what an abuser does is try to push you in a corner and make you feel worthless, but you push back, and get out of the corner they have pushed you in. Your life is beautiful . Do not let them tell you no different!!!!!!

  7. Sheree says:

    (USA)  My eight year old daughter and I are currently living in a domestic violence shelter. I have been married to my abuser for eleven years. I am afraid to leave the shelter because he stalks me. Although he has not put his hands on me during these events, he makes sure I see him. When this happens I am totally useless for days. He still has a lot of power over me.

    We have been to court three times with another hearing scheduled next week for his violation of the protective order. He does not bring an attorney with him. By making this choice he personally has an opportunity to cross examine me. So the cycle continues. With all the emotional, physcial, sexual, spiritual and financial abuse I have suffered, believe it or not, there are still days when I struggle because I have always loved him. My mind is made up not to return to him -I think. Pray for us.

    • Cindy Wright says:

      (USA) Sheree, How sad and concerned I am for you and your daughter. The abusive power this man is perpetuating, shouldn’t be. Please know you are in our prayers. I pray angels of protection to surround you –that a wall of invisible strength will encompass you and your daughter and that God somehow cracks through your husband’s toughness to bring him to his knees in repentance — true repentance, not contrived.

      May you sense the Lord’s protection despite your husband’s efforts to intimidate and bully you. May you find paths to walk that aren’t darkened and may you experience a “peace that passes understanding” whenever threatened. May the Lord guide and protect you wherever you are! Please do all you can to protect yourself. I pray the Lord will do the rest.

  8. Donna says:

    (DUBAI)  I’ve been with my husband for 4 and a half years married to him for 1 year and a half. When I met my husband he was going through divorce and to add to that his ex took his daughter. I used to support him and in a way I felt sorry for him –especially cause of his daughter. Not once or twice we argued and he used to mention his ex all the time and always compare me to her and it used to hurt so badly especially when he had a couple of drinks.

    After a couple of months I couldn’t take it anymore. I broke up with him but I still loved him. We got back together and spoke and I told him that things needed to change –that he needs to stop drinking and stop comparing me to his ex. We got back together, I moved in with him, everything was great until one night we had a couple of drinks and started arguing and it got physical (beating me up). The next morning I could see he felt so bad about it and he promised that this will never happen again.

    The mental abuse started with him always putting me down that I’m fat and I’m this and I’m that. We would have fights and than make up. I always had hoped that he would stop. Everytime we had an argument I used to tell him I’m leaving, He used to tell me “you know were the door is, go.”

    2 years ago we went on a holiday and had the greatest time ever. A month after we came back we had a big argument and we actually broke up. Then I found out that I was pregnant. He was away traveling when I told him, I need to speak to you urgently. He knew what I was going to tell him. He was so nasty and mean he told me, I hope it’s not what I think it is. I’m enjoying my time and I don’t want you to ruin it for me.

    Anyway, he eventually called and I told him I was pregnant. He went crazy. He told me I had to drop the baby; he’s not ready to be a dad and so on. I refused and told him I want to have this baby, I can’t drop my baby. He got so angry he told me, even if you decide to have this baby I will not be a part of his life. Thank God I did. When he came back from his flight we managed to talk and well, he agreed to keep the baby.

    My pregnancy was hell with him. All we used to do was fight and he just used to call me a fat cow and stress me out. Anyway, I had a beautiful son. Everything was normal. There was no hitting and beating me up until one day we went with him on a flight. We had so much fun. But by the end of the night we had a small argument (he was drinking). When we got back to the hotel I spoke to him in a nice way and he just turned into a beast. He hit me and beat me up in front of my 3 month old baby. At some point I was holding my baby cause he was crying and he just kept on punching me in my face.

    As usual, I thought it’s my fault cause he always used to tell me it’s my fault cause I provoke him. Its been 6 months now and a couple of days ago we had an argument and he came running in the bedroom (our son sleeps with us) hitting me. Thank God he stopped cause I told him, not infront on my son.

    Today I tried to talk to him to find a solution. He just doesn’t care. He told this will keep on happening for every action there’s a reaction cause I provoke him so I deserve this. I know I don’t. And I know I should have left a long time ago. He always makes me feels guilty as if it’s my fault. I don’t want my kid to grow up and have to see all of this. Please, can anybody help me? I don’t know what to do. He makes me feel guilty like it’s my fault.

  9. Anonymous says:

    (SA)  My husband’s excuse for slapping me is that I provoked him. So what it really boils down to is that it’s my fault.

    • Des from South Africa says:

      That’s what my husband tells me. Last night he punched me so hard he knocked my tooth out. Then he threatend to divorce me and I told him that I would like a divorce, then he hit me again. I pretended to be sorry and told him it was all my fault etc just so that he could leave me alone. Once the booze wore off he was all “oh, I don’t deserve to be your husband… bla bla bla” and then he sat there crying like a baby.

      So he made me call in sick this morning so that no one at work would see what’s left of my face, which is great, it gave me enough time to go to the garage where his brand new bike is parked and man did I have a whale of a time beating his bike up. I wonder if I will still be alive tomorrow morning?

      • Cindy Wright from United States says:

        Oh Des, I’m so sorry that you are experiencing this in your marriage. It should never be. No one should abuse the other in any form, no matter what the reason. It’s wrong on so many levels. I can well understand why you would want to beat up his bike (and more). I sure would want to do this, as well. But is that really a wise or a good thing? You got temporary relief in this, but in the long run, you lose so much more. You have reduced yourself into doing that which you will pay for in other ways in the future. And you have allowed yourself to be abusive in your anger, as well. Sure, it’s better to beat up on objects, rather than people, but then later, that bike will need to be replaced. You only complicated matters, all the more.

        Des, I’m not trying to chastise you… you don’t need that. But I want to help you to see that this is not healthy behavior on either of your parts. His actions are DEFINITELY worse than yours, but it doesn’t excuse your trashing something that you are going to have to replace, plus, anger an already out-of-control person. Please don’t allow yourself to believe the lie that because you hurt so badly, solutions to do that which you should not, are acceptable. They are not. Please find a way to get help… even read through more of the articles in the “Abuse in Marriage” topic and apply that which is wise to protect yourself and your reasoning. Don’t allow yourself to become abusive too. It’s like a child that is abused by a parent who then turns into being an abusive parent later in life. It has to stop somewhere. Someone has to be the hero here and say, “enough is enough… I will find a way to get out of and stop this abuse cycle and live a better life.”

        If your husband is truly sorry, he will get help. Temporary words are cheap. True sorrow is demonstrated in stopping that which caused it in the first place. He needs help to stop acting out his anger and addictive behavior in such negative, horrible ways. If he doesn’t find a way to stop, he isn’t really sorry. And you need to get help to know how to best deal with all of this in the meantime. I highly encourage you to contact the ministry of Focus on the Family in South Africa. Look it up on the Internet. They make phone counseling available. Please stop this cycle of abuse. You were created for better than this. Reach out to the Lord, and as you do, I pray for wisdom for you, and for the help you need. Please know that my heart and prayers are with you.

  10. Claire says:

    (USA)  I have been in an emotional and physically abusive marriage for 12 years. I have a daughter who is 19 who has lived with her father for 19 years and visited me on the weekends. I have tried leaving a few times but I always return. I feel guilty that he and my stepson will be homeless. He doesn’t have a job. He is on unemployment. He gets 190 a week but DSS says they will help him with food stamps and medicaid but that’s it.

    He tells me if you leave me, my son and I will be homeless I will have to send him to live with his mother. He doesn’t want to live with his mother. The police have been to my house two times in three weeks. They don’t do anything. When he left the house and went to his parents my son and I went to the hospital and for the first time I listed it as assault. The cops never do anything. They say we are doing more harm than good and they leave. They are useless.

    My daughter who is 19 recently wrote me a letter and told me that she is really messed up and that I put her in situations that I shouldn’t have. I cried for two days as we wrote on line back and forth to each other. I am so sad that it affected her. I really had no idea. No, I am not stupid, i just assumed because she was only there part time she didn’t really see how bad the emotional or physical violence was. I was blind.

    We are now in the honeymoon phase again where he thinks everything is great. I have threatened to leave and then he tells me no one will ever love you because your crazy. You will end up alone. No one loves you and your son; you can run back home but you will find out that I am all you have. He calls me crazy and has his family thinking I am the one with issues. I suffer from depression and anxiety and now I have severe acid reflux, which my dr says is caused by stress. I laughed when he said are you under stress? Hello? Yes, I am but he has no idea why I can’t really tell him. And if the dr knew, what would he do? Most doubtedly nothing.

    Anyway, I look at my son and I think, am I messing him up too? What if, when he is 19, he says the same thing my daughter says, why did you stay? Why didn’t you leave? Why did you mess me up? He has called my son and me vulgar names in front of his friends, told him he would drag him out of the house by his neck. But he has never laid one hand on him. He had however laid his hand on his own son.

    Why do I feel so quilty about leaving? I have over the past month boxed up and ducked tape a lot of my stuff and have it hidden in my son’s closet. But I am worried about how to get out safely. How do I get in in my car without him being crazy or seeing me? There is no doubt he will be crazy if he caught me putting things in my car. I put nothing past him. He is on probation now for damaging someone’s truck when he got mad at them. He has guns in the house even though they are not supposed to be here. I told the police and they didn’t even look for them; they didn’t even care. So please, any advice would be great.

    For a long time I thought God wouldn’t forgive me if I left my husband but then I finally found some insight and realized God hates violence and he isnt going to hate me because I left my husband. But why do I feel guilty about not taking care of him anymore? I have been the one to work for 12 years and take care of him and his son and I feel like my dauther is right, I failed her.

  11. Bebe says:

    (UNITED STATES)  I need help also. I’m 35 years old I have been married for 3 and half years and been together for 9. I’m tired. My husband been in and out of prison most of our relationship. I tried to make it work because we share 3 boys. He is an alcoholic and ex-drug user. I have been caring his load for nine years. He can’t keep a steady job so that leaves me paying all of the bills. Every time he goes to jail he promises me and God that he going to do better. It only last a for a little while.

    As long as he can stay away from around his family, he is alright. He acts like he is demonic possessed. So this passed weekend he cursed me out so bad in front of the children. I put him out. So why do I feel bad?

  12. Shana says:

    (SOUTH AFRICA)  I’ve been married for 6 months and dated for 8 years. My husband hit me over my head last night, swore at me and threatend to beat me over and over if I dont answer what he wants to hear. All I did was tell the truth about our staff party and who dropped me at home. He has hit me twice before and assulted me and emotionally abused me and my family, including fighting with my father.

    He has a history of violence with his own family ever since after his father passed away and gave everybody hell. He has calmed down so much as his family put it, but there are times when I dont agree with his wrong doings then he will start using abusive language and that eviliness in his eyes will appear.

    I grew up in a abusive family with my parents and has begged him not for me and my 5year old daughter being disabled live that way again. He has promised me he will never lift his hands against me and treat me with respect, but as soon as he gets a temper he forgets his promises. I pray for God to help me protect me and my daughter and make me strong enough to leave him and get a stable home. Even though he tells me I will never get my child because I’m unstable without him. I feel so alone and helpless.

  13. Denice says:

    (SOUTH AFRICA)  I am in an abusive relationship. My husband (of 12 years) drinks and does drugs. I took my children to welfare because he could not pay the rent and buy food for our children. And yet some way it is my fault. I am ready to divorce because at this point in time they do not want to give my children back because my husband is so abusive. My children went for a sociological evaluation and they told the truth about everything. Now he is blaming my children for all that has happened. THEY ARE CHILDREN.

    I cannot take it any longer. I have made this decision because my children are a Gift from God and do not deserve to be treated this way. My husband has held a knife to my throat and then to my son because he tried to protect me (he was 7 at the time). He has told my eldest daughter she is not his. How rude! I love my children more than life itself and I hope I can get them back. Please pray for that, people. Thank you for listening to my story. God bless.

  14. Raylee says:

    (USA)  I am 26 years old and have been married to my husband for 2 years. When I first met him I was in another relationship, but my husband (not at the time, of course) would tell me that I didn’t deserve to be in the type of relationship I was in and that he would treat me like a princess with respect and loyalty and that he would love me and be there for me. So, I fell for it and began dating him. After about a year I married him.

    I knew that he liked to drink a little but literaly, I had no idea. He started drinking more and more. He was going through a divorce when I 1st meet him. She cheated on him. So he began to take his anger out on me. He would pretty much say anything to put me down and he was very physical with me. This has been going on for about a year now off and on.

    I am no longer attracted to him because his actions and crude words toward me are hurtful and they disgust me. Everytime I refuse sex with him, he puts me down to the point where I just give in. I have sex with him so he will leave me alone. He doesn’t care that it makes me sad and uncomfortable, just as long as he his needs are meet. Now I’m disgusted with myself for allowing him to hurt me. He only shows me kindness when his sexual needs are met, and if they aren’t he throws a fit… and it starts all over again.

    I just don’t understand why I can’t just leave him. I feel like life is always going to deal me a bad card. Do You have any advice for me, please? I’m so sad and I’m reaching out to anyone at this point. Thank you.

  15. Shams says:

    (DUBAI)  Well, I’m ashamed of my husband. Never in my life did I think such a day would come and as there is no one to help me. He has his brother to support him in the wrong he does. I know about his affairs, even after the marriage. He always beats me for his wrong mistakes when I come to know about his girlfriends.

    He is ruthless. He kicks on my private parts. He made a hole in my ear by slapping me many times. He gave me mental toucher by not giving me money. I was without food for 10 days. He went to India and did not contact me. Now I feel I have memory loss coz he beat my head many times against the wall. At times I forget he is my husband. He drags me by pulling my hair. He pinches me. I get many spots where he hits me. He tells me, sorry, this is the last time. But I wonder when that day will happen again.

    • D says:

      (USA) I am praying for your safety! I can sadly relate to some of the things you wrote. How disturbing! I would love to know that you are safely away from this man. Please try to get yourself free from this man and never stop praying! It may appear that he is getting away with evil, but the LORD loves justice and revenge is His! I pray for your safety. God bless you!

      • TQ from United Kingdom says:

        D, how can we leave someone to suffer in silence and say to them we will pray for you? God will do the justice. HE will do a justice but is it fair on Shams to bear all the suffering from her husband? Can we not contact police or to ask any social services to provide help for her?

        I am not exactly in the same intense situation but I can see this coming in my life too. When I shared it with my GP (doctor) he said that he needs to report my husband to domestic violence and they may take him to prison, which is not my intention. Then I approached a pastor. He said keep on praying, God will give you the strength.

        As a human body, I work 9 hours in the office as an accountant and am responsible of complex decisions and transactions. When I come back home I have a 5 yr old daughter who only eats from my hands while sitting in my lap. My husband who literally doesn’t do anything, does not earn, does not extend help, just orders and abuses verbally, physically, financially, and emotionally. He forcefully uses all my salary on his brother and sister and every month we have to go in overdraft. He forcefully asked me to apply for a credit card and transferred all his credit card balance on mine. I cook, clean, wash, dry, hoover, and serve… as a full time cash machine and a full time maid.

        My parents say, we pray for you. I pray for myself and my daughter. My pastor prays for me. Ho, when, why me??? All these questions bombard my mind.

  16. Ester says:

    (SOUTH AFRICA)  I have been in a marriage of 8 months but we were cohabiting for 8 years. He found me with a child and now we have a 5 year old daughter together. My husband and I had recently had issues. All the things go back when we started living together. He started hitting me in 2005 in front of my daughter. I wanted to leave but he kept on nagging and promised he would change. It happened again in 2008. I was going to report him but I just thought what it would do to the children. He didn’t care at the time. It happened in 2009. He said I provoked him. I ended up just keeping quiet.

    Now he asked me for a divorce because I’m more of a pain than a pleausre in his life. Said I’m a controlling, possesive and an unappreciative freak. I said he should go ahead with the divorce as I just had enough. I don’t have parents and I don’t have family where I’m staying. I’m alone and basically don’t have close friends to go to. I can’t live without my girls and I can’t take it anymore.

    He wants us to still have sex even after the name calling and the divorce thing. I can’t afford moving out immmediately. I basically have to start all over as we have signed a prenuptial without accrual. He came home on Friday night drunk. When I went to bed he started touching me. I pushed him away. I told him that this is not a game. But he forced himself on me. When he finished I wanted to go sleep in my youngest daughter’s room. I wanted to lock the door as I know what kind of a man he is. He came and took the keys and pulled me on my gown threw me on the bed. Asked me what I was thinking I was going to achieve in locking the door.

    I asked him to please let me go. He didn’t. I stood up and he threw me on the bed again. I dressed cause I wanted to get out of the house. He asked me where do I think I’m going? I told him I’m going to his parents. He told me I’m not going anywhere. He pushed me around and I asked him to stop, but he didn’t.

    I eventually started pushing him back. He pushed me on the bed and started beating me. I called my littles ones name cause that was the only way he was going to stop. He stopped but didn’t want to let go of my hands. He told me not to involve the kids. What else could I do? I had no one around to rescue me.

    I hid my phone cause I was scared he would take it. He now wanted us to talk and sort things out. Please help with what I need to do. My heart tells me to go to report it but I don’t know. I don’t have anywhere to go.

  17. Eve says:

    (USA)  I’m 24 years old and married with a baby. When we first met my husband and I were like soul mates, he’s my one and only love. But when he started physically abusing me I felt worthless – like a nobody. The verbal abuse hurt a lot too, just as much. He has a bad attitude and is always negative. I hate getting hit because it hurts so bad in so many ways.

    They always say you can get out. But I dont think it’s true. I have no money, no friends and it would make life really wrse if I tell a family member. And the sad part is I still feel bad for him. I can’t imagine my life without him and I know deep down that he didn’t mean to. Sometimes I wonder if life was easier would all this happen.

    We are financially going down hill and our family turned their backs and here we are stressed and not knowing if we are going to make it any where. I just dont know any more. I give up…….

  18. Heartbroken says:

    (PAKISTAN)  Hi… I’m 24 years old. I’m engaged and my fiance abuses me and beats me a lot. I love him but I don’t feel like living with him anymore… What should I do?

    • D says:

      (USA) Dear Heartbroken, I hope you are not married by now to this man. The reason I say this is because I was abused by my, at the time, fiancé and let me tell you, after we got married it only got worse! I am not trying to discourage you, but am just being completely honest because you would not believe some of the things I have gone through. God does not want us to be abused in any way, shape, or form. When a man abuses a woman, it is a very bad sin and that person will have to answer to God someday and suffer the consequences. If this man is abusing you, I would advise you to leave as soon as you can. It is more difficult once you are married, but it can still be done then. I hope you are safe. There are men out there that don’t beat on woman.

  19. Antoinette says:

    (UNITED KINGDOM)  Help me please. I am 26 years old and my husband uses me as a punching bag. As I am writing this I am in bed with a swollen eye from him punching me. My husband is ungrateful. I do everything in the house. He does not work or anything. He tells me how his ex is better than me. I have a 7 month old. I don’t know what to do. Please help.

  20. Ann says:

    (AUST)  Antoinette, the first thing I would do is get support. Is there a domestic violence crisis number or hotline you can call? Even if all you need is a listening ear, they will understand. If you don’t feel safe in the house, please do something for yourself and your precious baby and get to safety, even temporarily.

    In most places, what he did to you would be considered assault or battery and a restraining order would be given, whether either of you want it or not. He may not like it, but it may be what he needs to learn that his actions are not acceptable by the law or society.

    His abuse may escalate too, but there’s no guarantee that if you try to appease him and not rock the boat, that his abuse will not escalate. You don’t want to put your child at risk either, and there’s a high chance that one of you would be seriously harmed. So doing nothing is not an option.

  21. Belle says:

    (SWAZILAND) I had an argument with my husband, we were both shouting and he pushed me so I slapped him, he hit me twice on my face. I was so shocked and my face was swollen. How do I continue with him? We have 3 kids.

  22. Nala says:

    (USA) I have been married for 7 years. We have two little girls. My husband first of takes care of our family, but I need help. I have just been beat up by my husband 4 hours ago. We were arguing about calls he is receiving at midnight while at a friend’s house and me not wanting him to travel. I was carrying our daughter of 8 months. He started punching me, kicking my head, and my forehead. He said I was not a good mother, that I am not able to take care of children, that I am ugly, stupid, that I will pay for what I just did for the rest of my life. I was so mad that I answered back. That made things worse! He said he will kick me out of the house and keep the children.

    He wanted to call my mom to send me packing to her. He punch me in my back while carrying our baby. My other daughter was screaming, asking him to stop. He is the breadwinner. He shoved so hard that he was sweating! Please pray for my family. I know it sounds cliché but I do not want the divorce. Is the only solution in this case a divorce? Lord, help me.

    • Cindy Wright says:

      Nala, you ask if divorce is the “only solution” for getting out of an abusive marriage. My answer is no. But in order for that to happen, your husband will need to wake up to see that treating you this way and treating the mother of his daughters this way, is not acceptable. As he abuses you, he is writing upon the tablets of their hearts and minds and memories all kinds of toxic messages about husbands and marriage and the value of peaceful living within a family. Not only are you being abused, but so are the lives of your sweet daughters.

      His offering to send you “packing” to your mom may have been a good option UNLESS your daughters would stay with him. His telling you that you are “not a good mother” is like the teapot calling the kettle black. When he treats his wife and the mother of his daughters in such a horrible way, he has absolutely no grounds for knowing what “good” is as far as parenting skills. I HIGHLY encourage you to read through other articles on this topic on this web site, praying for clarity of thought and understanding and wisdom in knowing what you should do to better protect yourself and your children. Why does he get to determine that you will be the one who is kicked out and that he should “keep the children?” Please consider what this will do to your daughters now and in the future (because you have to realize that eventually he will bring other women into his home and will abuse them in front of your daughters, as well, if they live with him).

      Please be pro-active in quietly seeking help and figuring out a plan of escape from the abuse. Don’t even go there in thinking about a divorce at this point. First things first –you never know where the future may take you after the immediate step of finding safety. So put divorce away from the forefront of your mind right now. You need to find a counselor (maybe from a woman’s shelter or one of the linked organizations we post on our web site) to help you determine how to get to a place of safety, along with your daughters. Don’t tell him you are doing this; instead be quietly and quickly pro-active in doing what needs to be done. Just because he takes care of you financially, does not give him the right to treat you and your daughters in this despicable manner. We’re told in Proverbs 17:1, “Better a dry crust with peace and quiet than a house full of feasting, with strife.” We’re told in Proverbs 15:17, “Better a meal of vegetables where there is love than a fattened calf with hatred.” Please find a way to establish a peaceful way of living with your daughters. Pray for your husband because he is messed up in thinking this is acceptable behavior. But even while praying for him, don’t let this stop you from getting to a place where peace can be lived out for you and your daughters. I pray God opens your heart, your mind, and your eyes to what you need to do right now. I pray He opens up opportunities to show you a way of escape from the abuse that you are experiencing and your children are observing. And I hope with all of my heart that you will take advantage of these opportunities.

  23. Susan says:

    (HUNGARY) I have lived with my husband for 6 years. I’m still married to him. He was lovely and smart in the beginning, treating me with love and gentleness. Gradually he became more and more abusive. During the night he would talk and shout at me, not letting me sleep. He would accuse me of ruining his life. He would say he loves me one minute, and then all of a sudden he would shout and curse for no apparent reason. He would often tell me that all bad things are caused by my family and I should totally cut off all connection with them.

    I moved out 3 months ago. On the day I left I was ill with high temperature. He cursed me on this last day, attacked my faith in Jesus, spanked me, and told me I ruined his life. He also told me I should not think doing the housework counts for anything. I am very hurt and upset. I’m staying with relatives, but I’m still helping him financially and with biblical advice. We sometimes meet but then he gets out of control and I get upset and useless for the next few days. He also contacted church pastors and members, and they told me to go back to him and settle my relationship with him. I am very confused. Please advise.

  24. Van says:

    (KUWAIT) I have been staying in Kuwait with my husband for 9 years. I came here when my daughter was 1 year old. Now she is 10. After my marriage I realised that my husband has some mental problems. His character changes like anything. Sometimes he tortures me like I’m in Hell. He even uses abusive language with neighbours here, without any reason. His physical voilence is such that he even broke my finger once, he tored my eardrum, and what not. Everyday he uses very abusive language against me.

    I have no one here in this country. He doesn’t have any friends, and he doesn’t allow me to make any friends. I feel I am in jail. Sometimes I feel like committing suicide. But my daughter… I love her so much. Before my daughter’s birth I thought of divorcing him. In counseling he promised that he would take care of me properly. But after six months he showed me his real face. He used to beat me everyday after returning from the office. He doesn’t want to divorce me. What am I to do? Please help.

  25. Jessica says:

    (CANADA) Hi my name is Jessica, I’m almost 19 years old; I’ve been married for almost 2 years and I’ve been with my husband for several years now. But he gets really angry and he’s hit me, choked me, pushed me…also he’s emotionally abusive. I’m not sure what to do because he feels so bad afterwards and he only does it when we get in a big fight; but it has scared me a few times. We have an 18 month old son together and I don’t want to just walk away but I don’t know what else to do. We bicker a lot :(

  26. Sal says:

    (USA) I feel for any woman that is going through such extreme abuse. I was raised by a single mother because my father sexaully abused my sister when she was a little girl, and my mother kicked him to the curb. Years later she had a boyfriend who later got into a fight with her and grabbed her by her neck. She picked up a heavy metal can and knocked him upside his forehead. He ran out the house screaming and never came back. She did not take any physical abuse by no one.

    You women who say, “I don’t know what to do,” need to snap out of it and do something. What will happen if your husband died in a car accident or heart attack? Would you just sit at home till you starve to death? No, you will go out and do something with your life. There are shelters out there that will help victims of domestic violence. If you stay with your abusive man, they will eventually kill you. There are plenty of these cases worldwide.

    For religious people who say that God hates a divorce. You don’t have to divorce him. Ever heard of legal separation? It’s not divorce, but simply staying away from him. Make sure you get a restraining order as well. Don’t let anyone destroy your precious life.

  27. Shivani from Trinidad and Tobago says:

    I’ve been married 2 years now and my husband recently started abusing me, not all the time, only when he drinks. I don’t know what to do because we also have a 2 yr old son.

  28. Georgia from United Kingdom says:

    I have been through some of the same things. The first time my ex fiancee hit me it came as a shock. He left serial bruises and told me it was my fault that I have so many mates and I never care about him. I thought he wouldn’t do it again as he said he’ll change. But soon it became a normal thing. Every time he’d make me cry then tell me to shut up or he hit me again. I had a bruise on my face once and this stopped me going to my young sister’s birthday. He said it was MY fault.

    I was with him for 6 months taking the abuse, all the time getting called horrible names. One day I managed to get out of the house without telling him. I left but before I went he smashed my head against the wall, pored water over me, and just made my life a living hell. I’ve only been away now for 4 and half weeks and trust me it’s hard but if you stay with someone like that you’re going to either get killed or seriously injured. I reported him but he hasn’t been caught.

  29. Kaylynn from United States says:

    Hello everyone, I’m 23 years old and have been married since I was 18 and married my senior high crush. I loved this man up until something tragic happened in my life. We have 3 beautiful children but through out the years of being with him there have always been arguments fights and neglect. My husband has not hit me as some women, until last night. At first it has always been excessive force and even punched out the car window when I was trying to leave.

    He always did the “mild” abuse and that’s taking my keys keeping me from leaving a room or the apartment. He would always leave and come back and I just forgave him each time. I love him but over time began not to be in love anymore. I used to tell him that I was not happy and that I’m depressed; he didn’t realize until I began to cheat, and formed a habit that I could no longer control. Someone wasn’t hurting me or neglecting me and we actually got along.

    I’ve actually gotten up the courage to get my own place finally and although he didn’t really help me with our kids I was at peace, but he eased back into my heart. Things got slowly back right and we were “happy” and got a house finally after 5 years of trying. We live in a beautiful house but still it’s troubles. I have not cheated but have talked with a man, though never became physical with but just a friend. He didn’t like that and became very frustrated! Angry and yesterday we fought in front of the kids and he used excessive force all the time twisting my wrist and arm and over powering me.

    It got bad but we were able to get over it and make love. Was basically sleep and he asked if I had a passcode on my phone and for me to give it to him. I said no if you suspect me of doing anything get it from our phone company like you said you did before because everything had ended. Instead he gets up and twists my wrist and arm until I let go of my phone in front of our kids. My last straw was yesterday and I got the courage to fight back although it doesn’t make it right what I did. I’ve gotten punched in my left thigh and kneed in my right; shoved and pushed to the ground. I feel completely devastated. But I have to leave to show my daughter and two sons also that this is not ok. He begs me to stay and that he is sorry but how many times is all I could think of. Thanks for reading. I’m currently getting ready to give up our new house that I love so much for peace of mind and to find love again!

  30. Pandabear from United States says:

    Today was the day he punched me in the eye broke my $200 glasses. I called my parents. He claims to be the victim and I beat him. My eye is black and hurt a LOT. He claims that I beat him. I’m scared to live in my own home. This is old and I married him at 18. He is 31 and treats me like his kids not his wife. He tells his kids “if mommy hurts you tell me and I’ll kill her.

  31. Invisible woman from United States says:

    Hello I’m 23 yrs old. I’ve been with my husband for 5 yrs. We have a soon to be 3 yr old. He’s an alcohoic and is trying to sober up for the past month. We moved out of state for a different life style. My family is here but he has no one here. Little did I know I was setting myself up for a big mess. He got us kicked out of my family home the first month. We’re here due to his alcoholism.

    I knew he was an alcoholic but I wanted to save him so bad. We’ve known each other for yrs and then fell off and somehow we just reconnected. He was homeless and I saw hope in him. I saw that he had potential to change, not realizing what I was getting myself into. Everyone begged me to not be with him as I was only 17/18 but I was young and wanted to be free. I don’t even know where to start.

    I can start by saying that I’m so scared. Everyday I wake up in fear not knowing what mood he’ll be in or what will set him off. He’s a very angry person and gets aggravated very quickly. He controls me everything I do. I’m not allowed to have friends, I’m not allowed to be on the Internet without his supervision, and I can’t speak to my sisters or brothers. He wants me isolated from the world. For years I put up with it. I’m not much of a drinker so I would end up having to babysit him making sure he doesn’t fall or choke on his own vomit holding him up as he urinates everywhere, cleaning up after him. Then he treats me like trash calls me horrible names.

    He’s beat me so many times, punches me till he gets tired. He once beat me at 6 months pregnant in the bath tub of our studio apartment. He would kick me out so he could watch porn for hours as I sat outside begging him for food or the restroom. I remember one specific time when I was driving on the highway still pregnant, he punched me becuse I told my cousin we fought sometimes. He said to tell her this. The next day I woke up with a swollen eye and he still kicked me out of the house. I sat outside with my head down praying that no one would ask me what happen. Things never got better.

    He drank vodka for 6 yrs straight, woke up and drank all day, fell asleep drunk. There were times when it was so cold and snowing and he would make me get up at 8 am just to stand outside and beg for change so I can get him his drink or I couldnt come back in. Night and day, when this would go on. I know he’s cheated on me but he’ll never admit to it. He’ll just yell and turn it on me. He’d text and flirt in front of me, behind my back in a party of friends where I’m sitting there. People knew what he had going on the side. I felt like such a fool.

    There would be days of him not coming home. I’d just tell myself he’s a young boy. I’d make excuses for him thinking he’s only 21, he’s feeling overwhelmed. I thought he’d get out it out of his system before the baby comes, but things didn’t change; they got worse. The day my water broke he was already drunk. It was 7 am and he refused to take me to the hospital until he had a drink and a smoke. After the baby was born I was home everyday alone, did all the work, and still had to go by his rules that meant cooking, cleaning, running his errands, and doing whatever it took to get him alcohol. It was horrible.

    2 weeks after the baby we got into an argument because I brought up him coming home late and drinking all day. He threw me down, hit and chocked me, then locked me out with no shoes, and held the baby inside. He was drunk. I begged and cried until I had to call my family. I thought after that I was done. 3 weeks later I was back. I knew it wasn’t right but I was so stuck on the fact that I wanted a family. Things never got better. I can’t count how many times I’ve called my family to pick me up. They got so fed up they just kind of gave up. It’s shamful knowing that they know what really goes on and I let it happen.

    We moved into a new place farther from my family. I had no car, no job, so I was dependent on him. That winter I remember he was so drunk he was playing his video games, he kept losing and started punching the xbox, then turns around and yells fix this. I looked in shock. I didn’t know what to do. There was nothing I can possibly do after all he threw it at the wall. It was pretty much broke so he tells me to get out. There was a snowstorm, I had no phone (cus I wasn’t allowed), or shoes. Somehow I managed to get into his car and sat there as I thought of what I could do. He looks out the window and sees me in the car; my heart drops. I get out and I start to run for my life screaming for help, but no one came out. It was 1 a.m. He chased me, and slammed me to the ground and says you think I’m playing b—-? I was terrified. My baby was in her room alone. All I wanted to do was be with her. He finally fell asleep. I snuck in through a hole in the basement.

    The next morning he woke up like nothing was wrong asking me to pleasure him. Of course I gave in because I didnt want to fight. That Christmas he insisted that I marry him or he would leave. Life was so miserable. Everyday I would wake up unhappy. Every job I’ve had he seems to ruin. I felt horrible leaving my daughter with him cus I knew he’d be drunk all day and pass out at anytime. There would be times when I’d get home and he’d be passed out with the door wide open and the baby upstairs alone. He’d never hurt her; he loves her, and she loves him. He says he works so hard and does everything for us but I feel like it’s more for him. f

    On my daughter’s 1st birthday he broke my nose as I sat in her room, just because I told him he should relax. He punched me 3 times. The baby cried, so he dragged me out. I realized there was so much blood and snapped my nose back. He showed no remourse or pity. He made me drive myself. I told the nurse I got hit at a softball game. Weeks passed. I hid in his home hoping no one would come over. He made up with me by laying next to me. I hated him. I wanted nothing to do with him but I had no where to go so once again I let him in.

    A couple months later he beat me and locked himself in his room with my baby (he was drunk). His friends had to come help me. They know what’s going on, I’m sure. They just don’t say anything. Everyone always says you’re such a great wife, you’re so good to him, but why doesn’t he see me in that way? Months went by, more fights, more beatings, no cops, no help. I just had to heal on my own in my room dying of guilt knowing it wasn’t right. I don’t deserve this. I’m 22 yrs old. But still, I stay. I tell myself it’s gonna be ok but I know it’s not.

    He asked me to stay off of facebook, which is horrible because that’s the only way I can connect with my family back home. I never add random people or flirt with guys, just family, and old school friends. So I hid it from him. I told him I deleted it but I didn’t. I just found out I’m 7 weeks pregnant and I don’t know whether to be happy or sad. Tonight we were supposed to go out to an mms fight. I didnt have anyone to watch our daughter. I know he really didn’t want to bring her with us so I got on fb and tried to get ahold of my little cousins to watch her. For some weird reason he asked me for my phone. I must’ve forgot to log out cus the next thing I know he’s yelling. I instantly felt pale and dizzy. He caught me but there was nothing suspicious or wrong on there just the point that I didn’t delete it was the setting point.

    He threw the phone at me and starts pounding on me. I passed out twice, just remember being on the floor holding my stomach hoping it will be over soon. My daughter walks out of her room yelling to stop as he’s kicking and kneeing me. I felt my nose pop. He then kicks me out with no shoes, no car, no money. I begged him to let me back in please. I’m sorry, I’ll delete it, begging him to look through it cus I know I’m not guilty of anything but he continues to yell and threatened to beat me with a bat. He says I should just kill you. I’m crying on the floor praying this is not it; please don’t let this be it.

    This is him sober. He has been sober all month, but I’m sure he went out to drink cus it is now 2:39 am and I’m laying on the couch with my shoes and sweater on in case he comes in and kicks me out. I don’t know what to do. I love him and I know he’s a good man but the abuse is so much. I’m scared to leave because I have no where to go. I just lost my job and I just told my family I’m pregnant. I’m ashamed. I can’t go there with black eyes and brusies all over. I love him and wish things were different. I know it’s too late for things to change. I just know that I need to get out before it gets worse. I feel bad that I put my baby through this. I know she’s older and knows more.

    I’m scarrd to sleep cus the pain is unbearable. My head is killing me. I’m scared to close my eyes and he’ll walk in and drag me out or throw water at me. Anything could happen and all I can do is hope for the best. I’m glad I can let this out. I’ve been hiding this for years and it’s much worse than this. I’m scared and hope that God will guide and help me pull through or help him realize what he is doing is wrong.

  32. Destiny from United States says:

    I’m 17 years old and have been married for only 3 months. Shortly after our wedding we began arguing but today he got physical before he left for work 3 hours ago. I simply asked why he was leaving so early. He began raising his voice so I tried to go into the bathroom but he followed and began yelling again so I quickly went to another room. Of course he followed me there too, but instead of yelling he lunged for my throat. I did the best I could to block him so he grabbed my arms instead and began squeezing until I cried out for him to stop that he was hurting me.

    He told me it was my fault because I questioned him and walked away. I don’t know what to do. Is this going to get worse or not?

    • Cindy Wright from United States says:

      Dear Destiny, There is no telling at this point if things will progress and get worse. I’d say probably, especially if he isn’t sorry about this and is blaming you. You aren’t to blame because he couldn’t control his impulse to hurt you. He may have been mad, but that doesn’t give him a license to put his hands on you.

      You need to be careful. Read as many articles as you can on abuse, posted on this web site and others we link to, so you can best protect yourself. Also, you’re going to need to talk about this together, at a time when it isn’t a H.A.L.T. time. That would be a time when neither of you is Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. Those are volatile times. If he doesn’t want to talk, and isn’t sorry, then that’s a disturbing thing. Please be careful. Do what you can to protect yourself and to learn how to handle conflict matters in ways that are mature and helpful to the relationship. You may need to get help.

  33. Klareis from United States says:

    I’m 17 years old… My boyfriend is 18. We’ve been together for a year now…. He was so sweet and his family is so nice. I don’t understand where his anger comes from honestly … He started off with just shoving me lightly. Started grabbing my wrists. He claims he hurts me because I just don’t listen or I get mad over the littlest things…. He puts his hand over my throat, sometimes both, and doesn’t press down unless I try pushing his hands away. He pulled my hair and bent my wrist and slapped my face lightly because I walked away. If I get upset about anything even if it’s little he squeezes my hand or pulls my hoodie to where it chokes me and tells me to stop. He has never hit my face with a fist of real anger. Do you think it will get worse over time? If you have more questions about what other things he does feel free to ask… I’m just a teenager, and I love him dearly but I’m scared….

    • Steve Wright from United States says:

      Oh, Klareis. We are so glad you reached out to us because if no one else has warned you let us WARN YOU – this young man has serious issues that need to be dealt with professionally. His anger will not get better on it’s own and if he is acting out like this now, we fear for your safety. We know it will be difficult, but you need to end this relationship now and we hope your parents are “safe” to talk to about this, because they need to know as they may need to take steps to protect you. This young man has already acted in a way that could result in him being arrested and if I was your father, I would want to know what’s been happening so I could protect you. If you aren’t convinced yet, here’s the link to another article on our web site called, WARNING: Escape Abuse BEFORE Marriage (http://marriagemissions.com/warning-escape-abuse-before-marriage/). So, Klareis, please heed this warning and distance yourself from this man NOW!

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