How Do I Respond to Physical Abuse?

one sad woman sitting  near a  wall“Let me begin by saying that I cannot think of a circumstance in a marriage or family that could justify abuse of any kind —emotional, mental, physical, or sexual. Abusive behavior was never and can never be a part of God’s plan for a marriage or a family.

“For the sake of clarity, I’m going to limit this answer to physical abuse. And by this I mean assaulting, threatening, or restraining a person through force. It would include hitting, slapping, punching, beating, grabbing, shoving, biting, kicking, pulling hair, burning, using or threatening the use of weapons, blocking you from leaving a room or the house during an argument, driving recklessly, or intimidating you with threatening gestures…”

That’s the first few paragraphs of an article written by Dennis Rainey and Leslie Barner, posted on FamilyLife.com. We recommend you read it by clicking onto the link web site link below:

•  HOW TO RESPOND TO PHYSICAL ABUSE

If you have additional tips you can share to help others in this area of marriage, or you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
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173 responses to “How Do I Respond to Physical Abuse?

  1. Hi, I’m going through the same thing with my husband. We were together 2 years before we got married. I used to be happy, whatever that is. Now, I regret marrying such a monster. He cheats on me, he beats me, he strangled me twice now. I’m afraid of divorce; I’m afraid of what he will do to me and my kids; he’s in a gang. I thought he was joking about that before we got married. Now, I regret ever setting eyes on him.

    He gets angry at me for everything. The first time he strangled me, I stupidly bailed him out of jail. The most recent attack was last night; he told me he would never lay hands on me again. I guessed wrong. He gets like this every time I bring up his problems and what he did to me before. He explodes with anger, says mean, and nasty hateful things to me. Calls me horrid names, which I can not repeat on this comment. I am terrified, I’m sitting in what used to be our bedroom scared out of my mind.

    I woke up this morning, I went to the bathroom and discovered I am urinating blood. I told him and all he can say is, “sorry”. Always on his phone, I say something about that, and it’s my fault. Everything is my fault. If you’re in a marriage or partnership, please I beg of you, don’t fall for the I’m sorrys I’ll never do it again. They will and you know it deep down in your heart; you know that they will hurt you again! Just leave!

    1. I’m not sure what you mean when you say you “disobey” your husband, so he hits you. Is this a father/child relationship where he gives the orders and you are the child who has to obey or you get spanked? How is this a marriage? Marriage makes you partners, not a child who has to obey her parent. Hitting a spouse is NEVER acceptable –whether it’s the husband hitting the wife or the wife hitting the husband. And the term “disobey” is also not an acceptable posture in a marriage. He isn’t your parent or master; he is your husband –someone who reflects the love of Christ to His bride.

      I can’t ever imagine accepting the posture of having my husband hit me because I “disobeyed.” There is no obeying or disobeying. There is talking and working problems out as “one.” In Ephesians 5 it says, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and GAVE HIMSELF FOR HER, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. So husbands ought to love their own wives AS THEIR OWN BODIES; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but NOURISHES AND CHERISHES it, just as the Lord does the church.” That does not include hitting when the wife “disobeys” unless he hits himself.

      Also, in 1 Peter 3:8-9 we’re told, “Husbands, in the same way BE CONSIDERATE as you live with your wives, and TREAT THEM WITH RESPECT as the weaker partner and as HEIRS WITH YOU of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers. Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble. DO NOT REPAY EVIL WITH EVIL OR INSULT WITH INSULT. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.” There’s nothing in there about hitting for “disobeying.” You are both to work together to “cleave together as one” –not insult or assault one another.

      If my husband were hitting me because of what he thinks to be “disobedience” he would live alone, without me, until he recognized that he is not to hit me. I’m not his punching bag; I’m his wife and I expect to be treated with love and respect (just as I would give him love and respect). That is my humble, prayerful opinion.

      1. Thank you for openly saying it shouldn’t be a matter of disobeying like a child and parent. My life is identical to the above discribed and that sentence was sure a moment of clarity.

        1. I’m so glad. I hope you’re able to stop this from happening. A marriage relationship has no room for this type of abusive behavior. You are marriage partners, not a parent/child.

  2. I have endured but I think I really need someone to talk to and someone to talk to him. The worst part is that he never apologizes. He never remorseful afterwards. I feel rejected, abandoned, alone, uncared for.

    1. You need to leave. I know, easier said than done. I too am in an abusive relationship, where I’m afraid to leave because he will hit me anywhere. It be whether I’m at work or at my parents house. We are all terrified of him and calling the police will only get him locked up for a couple days and get him even more upset. If you can find somewhere where he couldn’t find you, please go.

  3. My boyfriend hits me because I lie or because I don’t do things right. Is that ok? Is it my fault that he hits me?

    1. Maria, I believe you already know the answer to your questions. If someone came to you asking them what you asked, what would you say? If you had any intelligence what-so-ever (which I believe you do… no matter what your boyfriend may tell you), you would say NO. It is NEVER okay to hit (except for self defense purposes)… even if you lie (which you shouldn’t, but that’s another matter) or if you “don’t do things right.” You are not a child to be disciplined if you rebel; and he is not your father –a disciplinarian who is supposed to lovingly try to steer you in the “right” direction. He has absolutely no excuse for hitting you or abusing you in any way, no matter what he tells you. You are a grown up, and he is supposed to act like one if he is to be with anyone in any type of healthy relationship.

      Trust me when I say this, the situation you are in will only get worse as time goes on. He will promise you all kinds of things and/or try to justify his actions in different ways, but once a person starts to treat another person like a punching bag –especially someone they claim to love, things will only get progressively worse. Please read the following article (and the linked articles within it) for much needed insight: http://marriagemissions.com/warning-escape-abuse-before-marriage/.

      I hope for your sake and the sake of your future that you find a way to escape this madness –getting away from ANYONE who would treat you this inhumanely. I can’t even start to tell you all the times we hear of the same thing you are saying, only to see it keep progressing in getting worse and worse… sometimes even leading to permanent physical damage or death. You are NOT safe with this guy. Find a way to get away from him, and the sooner the better, before he claims you as his property in which, he will never let go. I pray for you Maria, and hope you will take what I am writing seriously. Your life may depend upon it.

    2. It’s wrong to lie, but you can’t let him continue hitting you. He will never change. Don’t have any further contact with him. End the relationship.

  4. I need to speak to someone. I’ve been getting beat up by my husband for 17 years. It’s become worse. He won’t work, won’t help keep the house up, won’t make minor repairs, steals from me, and gets excited every time he hits me. He celebrates his punches.

    1. You have to throw him out. Many women stay in abusive marriages because of economic reasons, but since he’s not working, you don’t have to depend on him. He is dead weight.

  5. Hi all, I am in a very bad relationship. I am in a relationship for less than two years. When it was new, I felt I could never find anyone better than this, he appeared to me as a perfect match to me. I was really, really happy. But things changed slowly. Now he beats me, slaps and abuses as badly as he can. Many a times, some crazy things keeps going on when he tortures me. I dont know what but when he abuses me, I just get silent; I start testing him to see his limits. I start to think lets see what limit this person can go in his anger whom I once loved like anything. My eyes filled with tears looks straight into his, just questioning that what love is – this that he does to me. This is the love that he has for me.

    He becomes a monster in his anger. He regrets after all this but only in words. I am not able to understand his nature, in public he wants to show he is the cool person, he never wants me to raise my voice even a bit in public. That insults his ego. But in private he likes to beat me up. If while I am crying my voice gets louder then I will be beaten up more. He tried smashing my head to the walls, squeezing my arms and face with all force. Slapping me is very normal to him. In terms of words that he use is beyond imagination. If I say I will not marry him or any girl cannot live with him, he tries to be as sweet as anything. He will convince me that it was my fault that I made him angry. I am just fed with all of this. One thing, he loves me a lot like crazy but the price for this love is physical abuse that I am going through. Help me please. I want him to not abuse me. I really want to live happily with him. How can that be possible. Or I have to quit from this relationship? What to do?

    1. Please, please don’t repeat my mistake. Leave him. Comparing to what he will be aftèr marriage and having kids, he is an angel now.

      1. I feel I’m stuck here. I am not able to leave him. When ever I ask him I want to leave him, he stops me by saying he can’t live without me. It will ruin both of our lives. He says don’t think the wrong things about him, just see the good part of him. He will say no one can ever love me like him. I get fooled by all these empty words and start thinking things are normal again, but I’m thinking this may be the last time. Not able to find way. Things are clear in my mind. I really don’t know why I am still with him. Please help me know how to get rid of this dilemma.

        1. Hi. I don’t even know where to start. I’ve been living with my husband for two years now and he hit me today; he socked me in my rib. He slapped me when I was trying to leave. It’s not the first time. In the past he has slapped me but lately he has been hurting me more; he kicked me last week. I’ve hit him back with whatever I could defend myself with and he says not to hit him or else he will hit back harder, but I have to defend myself. I asked him to leave but he won’t leave. I don’t know if there any possible way of him changing or do I have to throw him in jail for him to leave. Please help me as I would like to know if there’s any possibilities of him changing or how to treat this situation.

          1. Hi Zola, You are in a dangerous and potentially life threatening situation. I am a husband married 36 years with 3 adult children. Our daughter was in a relationship similar to yours for 8 years. She put up with the abuse, thinking he would change… but of course he did not. After her daughter was born she realized that she could not subject her child to this dangerous living situation. She finally left. Later, she said it was the best thing she ever did. She is now with a kind young man, and they now have a second daughter. She is a prayerful person, and would be the first to say, “With God, all things are possible.”

            You need to contact authorities or organizations who specialize in helping women in your circumstances. If you have children, the need is even more acute. You do not want to defend yourself by physical retaliation, and give him a reason to accuse you of domestic violence.

            WIll he change? The statistics show that this is unlikely. Pray, reach out for support, contact the appropriate people- there are many who specialize in this area… and who do care. I hope this helps,
            WP (Work in Progress)

          2. Zola, I agree with WP. This is a dangerous situation –one that will almost assuredly escalate. You really need to talk to an abuse counselor (without telling your husband). Please quickly read through as much of the abuse articles as we have posted here (with links to others), so you can best find out how to protect yourself. Defending yourself by hitting back seems logical, but when an abuser is in a tirade, unless you are fighting for your life, your “defending yourself” could actually heighten his feelings of rage and cause him to hurt you more. Finding ways or a way to get away is best.

            You need a plan for this first because some abusers will come after their victims. You have seen how your husband tries to stop you when you leave… so you have to know when and how to do that so you’re able to flee safely. That is why an abuse counselor can give you sound advice on this. If you don’t know of one (although there are abuse centers all over the country) then go into the Links part of the “Abuse in Marriage” topic on this web site and see what we have listed there, as far as hotlines. Lots of times they have access to knowing abuse centers in different parts of the country and they may be able to direct you to a good one. Please pray, read, contact an abuse counselor, and learn ways to get out of those volatile situations. If you have to live somewhere else, it would be better than being in a place of constant strife and escalating danger.

            Some abusers ARE able to change, but not very many of them. Promises are empty and so is the plea, “I’m so sorry for doing this to you; I’ll never do this again.” He has to get help if he has a chance of reprogramming his brain to stop this type of behavior. And then you need to have a counselor confirm that he is ready to try to live with you again before it would be safe.

            Trust me when I say that this is a dangerous situation. So far the physical damage hasn’t been permanent, but it’s only a matter of time and opportunity for it to get to that place. Don’t wait, hoping it will go away. It won’t. He has given himself permission to use you as a punching bag and a rag doll to throw around. Don’t keep enabling him to treat you this way. You are created by God in His image. Stand tall, pray, read, come up with a plan (hopefully with a counselor who knows more about all of this than you and me), and do what you need to do to put yourself in a place of safety. I hope you will and pray God opens the doors for you to do so.

  6. My wife hit me. She yells often, but today she hit me. She is much smaller than I am. I am a Marine, strong, trained, and could easily stop her by restraining her, but I’m scared I would get in trouble. I tried to leave and she blocked me in the house. I had to walk away and then run to the door once she moved. I see no recent posts online about men being abused from 2016, even 2015. If I called the cops I am sure I would be arrested without cause. I have no marks, her word against mine. Help.

    1. Hi D.C. Thank you for standing strong… there’s no doubt that this puts you in a very difficult situation. I’m proud of you for not being physical even though your wife has been. That takes real courage and restraint, even though she and other people (including many law enforcement officers) probably wouldn’t see it that way. You would most likely either be teased, minimized, or arrested because yes, many, many times the abusive wife, in her rage and panic, will turn the tables around and accuse the husband of being the abuser, even though he is innocent. And once a husband been arrested for spousal abuse, it can spiral into an even worse situation in the future. The justice system is not fair on this issue one bit, when it comes to the husband being abused, but that’s what you’re dealing with.

      Please prayerfully read through the following article we have posted on this web site, as well as other linked articles and web sites within it, and the comments posted below it: http://marriagemissions.com/husband-abuse-can-a-wife-abuse-her-husband/. I think that as you pray, read, and look for the wisdom YOU need for YOUR marriage, you will eventually be able to come up with a plan. At the very least, you need to plan for a way of escape to put into place before things start escalating. Obviously, your wife doesn’t have the self control she should have that is needed. But hopefully, you can figure out how to stop her from doing this because abuse usually escalates more and more in the future, and her behavior is definitely abusive… small, large, or whatever.

      There IS a ministry called Focus on the Family that I recommend you look into –their web site is found at focusonthefamily.com. They have counselors on staff who are excellent and they may be able to direct you to the insight you need, or the resource you need to help to stop this madness. Please seek out their contact info on their web site and see how they can direct you. I hope you will. Again… I’m so glad you didn’t give into the impulse to get physical with your wife when she did. She was definitely wrong, and you definitely did the right thing in getting out of that toxic situation in whatever way you could. Something needs to change though.

      I hope, in your search, you find out how to bring about the best change so you can both learn how to resolve your conflicts in non-combative ways. This will take research, effort, and a different kind of training than you’re used to, but I have no doubt that you can do this. I’ve known a lot of Marine’s and have great respect. They are resourceful. I hope and pray you reach within and become resourceful too, with God’s help.

  7. My husband also has hit me, slapped me, choked me while lifting me in the air by my neck many times. Part of me believes that I take part in bringing him to such rage that he is then unable to control his rage against me. I stuck by him through a prison term of roughly 4 yrs. I was supportive of him, sent him money, traveled 1100 miles one way with our 3 children and then back every three months to visit him. I worked hard in and out of the home then and still do now. He’s been out of prison for almost 4 yrs now. Since then we’ve had 4 more children (5 in all). Since his release he rarely has a job and when he does it’s over within a couple months. He has never paid bills, hardly ever helps with household chores, bathing or taking care of our children.

    Also, since his release I’ve caught him red handed pimping, selling drugs, having inappropriate conversations with women online or thru text, etc. He’s in a gang and I knew that when we met, but he promised he desired a Christian life and home, and promised all of that to me. He never gave it from day one of his release. The reason I question if I am part of the reason for his violence towards me is because I know I’m very guilty of arguing with him and when he calls me fowl names I call them right back to him and tells him the same goes for his mother, etc & so on (I call the names back at him but never am the one to bring name calling into our arguments). I know it’s wrong before I do it but in the heat of tbe moment it feels like my only defense. Even though I know this behavior will make him violent against me it doesn’t stop me from arguing.

    2 nights ago he was upset because he was the one to place an air conditioner in our children’s bedroom window. He rarely does anything to keep the house up but outright says he does just as much as I do. His own family has told me to divorce him but I love him deeply and want to be a wife that makes him feel happy and at peace in our home. The night he put the air unit in the window he began to ask me what I was doing. I rise at 3:30am each day for work, come home and work in the home until I drop, often times not being able to lay down til 11 at night. He’s often after me after working all day and night and expects me to perform sexually and I’m too exhausted. Sometimes I give in in, sometimes not. Even in intimacy he’s the lazy one. He lays there and expects me to do all the work.

    I don’t know why I love him so much. I partly think it’s because I bought into the dream he sold and I still want it and somehow think I can get him and I to be on the same page. The same night of the air unit he choked me, pulled his gun out (not in my face but made sure I saw it); he called me the most hurtful names, and while he beat me as I was on the floor after him pushing me down our 7yr old boy jumped on his back. I couldn’t believe my eyes when he literally grabbed our baby off his back and slammed him into the wall. He landed into the wall slamming the back of his head on the wall, slid down the wall and folded like a book on top of me.

    He’s a monster but I believe he believes he loves me. I don’t know how to let go of him. It kills me to think of him being with anyone else. I truly believe I was created for him but for him to hurt me. Please I need patient, trusting loving advice. God bless to all my brothers and sisters in Christ.

    1. O, I am truly horrified and grieved to think of all of the toxicity going on in your home. I can’t even imagine all the bad things these children are witnessing and are being taught about marriage and “love” and how to treat those you love. I’m also astounded (and so is my husband who read your comment first) that you still are holding onto the fantasy of love and a good life with someone (I won’t call him a man because a true “man” would not do this to his wife and children) who is abusive on so many levels. You need to wake up, and wake up soon from this fantasy you are holding onto, before it’s too late. Physical abuse almost always escalates… and the fact that he’s putting his hands on you the way he is and is now taking a gun out is scary –not just for now, but what will happen in the future.

      Truly, he shouldn’t be living with you, he should be in prison. The fact that he has a gun means that he is violating parole, to say the least. And the way he is using you as a punching bag and such –not to mention what he did to his son… this is criminal. When the authorities find out (and they will eventually, if you don’t tell them first, because of the nature of things escalating), he WILL go to jail. But what might land him there even quicker is the very real possibility that he will kill you or permanently cripple or cause permanent brain damage to you. And then what happens to your children? Promises are empty, his fists and vileness towards you should speak to you about the person he is and will be.

      I hardly know what to say. I’ve been praying since yesterday as to what to write here (I knew I needed to). Please know that you and your children were not born to be treated like this. You should not allow yourself nor these children to be exposed to such poisonous behavior. You’re right in saying that you shouldn’t talk to him the way you have been in calling him names and such when he’s angry… what are you thinking? Or are you? But even so, this never, ever, ever means that you deserve to be abused like this. These are two different issues.

      Not only am I concerned for your harm, but also for your children as to what this is doing to them emotionally now and in the future. They say that those who have been abused will often eventually be abusers. Do you want that for your children to grow up to abuse their others and their spouses? And what about the nightmares of all of this toxic behavior? It is poisoning their minds. This needs to stop. You need to be these children’s heroes and NOT live with this guy when he is living his life in such a horrible way. You need to talk to an abuse counselor for help in knowing what to do and how to get him to keep his distance AT LEAST until he straightens up his life. You need to do this and your children need you to do this. Please, please, please consider them (if you won’t protect yourself). God loves you and loves these children. Get the toxicity out of your home and build a life of peace with you and these children. I hope and pray you will.

      1. Cindy, thank you to you and your husband for responding. I didn’t think anyone would. Everything you write to me is true and as I read your response my eyes fill up with tears…knowing that I am ready to end this nightmare for good for my precious children and myself. The abuse from my husband I mentioned is truly only the tip of the iceberg but this was the first time he turned on one of the children…my precious, wonderful little boy.

        I used to be so independent and anything I attempted I succeeded at. I want peace again and the feeling I once owned of being able to trust my own instincts. You are a total stranger but give such love in your reply. A total stranger and my own husband treats us as if were nothing! Its only been since Saturday this happened and he hasn’t been back. Already I feel happier and am imagining a future free from him. I say that because I’m convinced he will never change. My heart is broken; sometimes (mostly at night when everyone is sleeping) is when I begin to feel alone and wonder how I can make it alone, raising 7 children wo help. For years I no longer have contact w family or friends. I have blocked his calls and any possible way for him to reach me.

        When he did that to our boy it scared me more than I’ve ever been scared before in my life and you’re right, it can get worse from here if he’s allowed to stick around. I truly didn’t think anyone would reply especially not so caringly. Last night I contacted a crisis abuse line and retrieved a phone number to schedule abuse counseling for my children and I. I’m determined to see leaving him through. I do, inwardly, wish he would somehow change but how likely is that really? It just isnt likely at all.

        PLEASE KEEP PRAYING FOR MY FAMILY. Maybe God has strengthened me thru your prayers. It’s the first time after being hurt by him that I’ve felt so sure I no longer want to be around him or even look at him again. Thoughts that were once horrifying to me about him leaving us, being with another woman, having more children, etc… they are no longer scarey to me. Actually, since I know this is who he is and always will be, I hope whatever he decides, he decides to just go away. I pray no one else will fall for his lies however. What a horrible thing.

        You’re right and your post made me even stronger. My children are everything to me and I them. I will not let them down. I know a hard road is ahead but I love hard work and I know if I take my children and we all walk with God then it will be a hard satisfying road. I’m up for it. Thank you, Cindy. Keep helping those in need. I began to feel like everyone in the world no longer cares about the next but I know I don’t live that way and happy to see others still love strangers just because we are all people and here in this together. God bless you and your husband and thanks again for replying.

        1. O, you have moved me to tears. I hope with all my heart that you stick to your resolve to escape this toxic situation. You will most likely be tempted to give in, in ways you shouldn’t. I pray strength and insight for you. Your husband needs deep, deep help and only he can reach out and grab onto that help and apply it. I just don’t see it at this time, so it’s important for you to go into protection mode for you and for your children.

          God help you; God loves you… please don’t forget that. As your spiritual sister and brother, we love you and pray for you and for your children, and also for your husband –that he gets the help he needs, apart from you and the kids, while he is still in this poisonous state. IF he gets help, it will take years and years before you could trust him. So stand tall, stand firm, pray, and follow God’s leading in living a life of peace –without abuse.

          “May the Lord direct your heart into God’s love and Christ’s perseverance.” (2 Thessalonians 3:5) “And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ —to the glory and praise of God.” (Philippians 1:9-11) Please always know: “The LORD is near to all who call on Him, to all who call on Him in truth.” (Psalm 145:18)

    2. Mop the floor with him in divorce court. He will never change. You have to set a strong example for your children. Explain to them that kind of behavior is not normal or healthy. You don’t want them to grow up and find themselves in the same situation.

    3. I’m to going through things with my husband. But, I had realized it’s not about me and him it’s my our two girls I worry about. As you should, you don’t want your children repeating these actions when they grow up. You are strong stand your ground don’t accept what you are receiving you and your children DESEVRE much better. Love your children enough to leave him do it for them please. You are their protector all they have is you. You set the example on how if you have girls how they will treated by a man and if you have boys on how they may treat women.

  8. HELLO everyone, I’m seeking for advice. I am 37 years old marriage. My husband seems like he has problems in the brain…specially if he drinks alcohol he abuses me physically. He punches on my head and pulls my hair. I don’t want to divorce or leave him because we have a 2 year old little girl. I want to work out the marriage but how? He always says sorry again and again.

    1. Hi Myleen, I am a husband married for 36 years. Our daughter was in a situation similar to yours for 8 years. We did significant research on the best course to take. From our research and experience come my comments here below.

      You are in a situation which is dangerous to both you and your very young daughter. Your first priority must now be the safety of your daughter and yourself. There are many shelters and services for women in your position- you should contact them and/or police as soon as possible. Your husband needs outside help immediately. His repeated sentiments, “I’m sorry it won’t happen again!” are well meant but very temporary.

      Our daughter is a very loyal person and put up with her abusive boyfriend, against the advice of her parents and friends…until her daughter was born. She then realized she had to make a change for her daughter’s safety. She was finally able to leave for a safe alternative living arrangement which she said later was long overdue. She is far happier, she is safe, and she has a much better contact with her former boyfriend, under strictly controlled conditions.

      If you are a praying person, then by all means pray. Believing prayer was key for our daughter’s being able to ensure her and her little girl’s safety. It is not my place to ever recommend divorce and I am not doing that here. I am speaking purely in the interests of your safety and that of your daughter. I hope my comments help :) Please let us know how you are doing? Sincerely, WP (Work in Progress)

    2. You have to send a message to your daughter. If you allow it to continue, she will grow up allowing a man to beat her. You don’t want that for her. You have to make a strong point. Even if he goes to alcohol rehab, you can’t allow him to come home.

  9. I’m married and we have 3 children still at school. From the outside we are a perfect family. He is in control. Anyone steps out of line then they are punished. Including me. Physically. There is no yelling. He does not lose his temper. It’s cold and hard and no one dares disobey. It’s hard because everyone thinks we are the perfect family. The kids do well in school. They do music and sport and dance and we have a nice big house and an suv and two jet skis and we help in all sorts of charity events. But we are fearful of doing wrong.

    The paddle is used and I confess that I have used it too on the kids and I help him hit them there. I said hit not discipline. He hits me if I disagree with him in public or if I try to protect the kids and not report wrong doing. The only disagreement he tolerates from me is if I approach him at home and the kids are not around and if I approach him very carefully and state that I would like to discuss something with him. Anything else is seen as not of “being of the one mind”.

    When others are around the image is two united parents and the wife submits to the husband. How do I tell anyone that he hits me like a child? It’s embarrassing as much as anything. It hurts physically but how can I just complain on my own behalf when we spank our kids and there is no way that I would disobey and not support punishing them but if I find out they have done something and we don’t report it to him and he finds out and he always does then he punishes me? Always behind closed doors. The kids don’t know. No one knows. I don’t know what I would do if I left. Even if I got a divorce and got half his money it’s kind of what would I have achieved. I would be seen as having broken up the family. Everyone would hate me. I’m just stuck. I just do what I am expected to do and no one has any idea.

    1. Sarah, I’m so sorry that this is happening to you. It shouldn’t. I’m sure your husband feels that running your home like a military camp is a good idea and if someone steps out of line, punishment is deserved, but you are his wife and partner, not a naughty child. There is a difference. It is a sick thing he is doing to you. He should never, ever be doing this to you –his bride (you’re still his bride, no matter how many years you’ve been married). It has to stop. You really need to talk to someone to get some good counsel to figure out how to make that happen.

      There is a ministry I highly recommend you contact called Focus on the Family – Australia. I truly believe they can give you good counsel or knows of someone who can. Don’t think of divorce yet. I also encourage you not to think of leaving until you have personally talked to a marriage-friendly counselor. Their contact information is found on the following web site: https://families.org.au. Perhaps something can be said or done that could help preserve your family. Please seek it before doing anything rash. Yes it has to stop… the sooner the better, but do what you can to see if it can be stopped without having to break up your family.

  10. Well, I’m a 55 year old widow of 4 years. I started dating the man I’m with in 2014 and started living together 2 months after we met. I have alot of insecurities and trust issues. Last week we got into a verbal confrontation that led to being physical. I grabbed and pinched his stomach so he took my hand and bit it. Then I threw a few punches and he then started hitting me with the belt. I do have a temper and easy to rile. So, he went downstairs and I followed, I went after him and he was swinging the belt and then pushed me down. I thought I had broken my hip; then he leaves without checking on me to see if I’m ok. I know I’m guilty too but he said he was defending himself.

    1. My dear, you want find an answer until you really decide to obey God. Living in sin is an open door for the enemy of our soul to work havoc in your life. At this point I don’t advise you to marry anyone. You are not ready for marriage. You’re oppressed with a spirit of anger and rage. This can not be a part of marriage. I would advise you to see Christian Counselor to free yourself from deep hurts first. Then seek a intimate relationship with Christ. Finally, when you know God as all Christians should, He will send you the husband, not live in lover which He is totally against!. I pray this will bring you to the place God wants for His children!

    2. He needs to move out. Don’t allow him to come back. Stay away from him. End the relationship, or next time, that belt might be used to strangle you instead of whipping you.

  11. It’s happening now. He just jumped me from behind, threw me in the floor, and choked me. I’m so scared but I can’t show it or cry. I’m standing by my bed guarding my kids. I don’t know what to do. Everything hurts.

    1. You are in danger, and so are your children. You need to reach out to authorities and find a way to get away from him safely. I hope and pray you will. This is only the beginning of the danger you are in until you get away from this monster. Please know that.

  12. I had been facing mental abuse from my husband and in laws since my marriage from past 3 years. I live with my husband in U.S and now he has started physically abusing me. First time he hit hard on my head but later apologized for his actions. The second time he forced me on leaving the house but I resisted. I was sitting & crying in the closet and to provoke me into leaving the house, he came and started circulating the bathroom slippers which he was wearing around my nose and face. I cried to death and shared the incident with my mom & a friend. He apologized again. I thought of reporting his behavior many times but stopped as I am financially dependent on him. We recently moved to Canada and within 1.5 months of the last incident, he choked me for 4-5 seconds. I hit back on his face trying to get rid of his hands on my neck. A very small portion of his tooth surface chipped off as I hit him back in defense. He got very furious and called my parents and started yelling at them. Within half an hour I realized my neck was hurting and I was having difficulty in swallowing. I requested him to take me to the doctor but he refused to go and said not to use his money for the fee. When he is in a good mood he explains how much he loves me. What should I do ?? Please help…

  13. Hello, I am crying while am writing this. I have been in an abusive marriage for 3 years. Before I married him I never knew he was a drug addict. I went against my parents wishes and ran away and married him because I am a fool. I fell for his lies. I have been punched, kicked, strangled, dragged left, right, and center. I am only 27 yrs old with a 9 month old baby. I don’t know what to do anymore. He won’t leave the house that I pay for and bought. He toutures me and threatens he will do this and that and he does. Am scared and I don’t know what to do. Today was the last time he’s going to beat me up. He used a chair and I can’t even walk. I don’t know what to do anymore.

    1. Hi Sam, I am a husband married for 36 years. Our daughter was in a relationship similar to yours for 8 years. You are in a very dangerous situation and you need to reach out and get whatever help you can TODAY rather than tomorrow.

      Your first priority must now be the safety of your little one and yourself. There are many shelters and services for women in your position- you should contact them as soon as possible. In your case, with what sounds like physical assault, you need to contact police as well and file a complaint. You and your little one need to seek protection and safety.

      Our daughter is a very loyal person and put up with her abusive boyfriend, against the advice of her parents and friends…until her daughter was born. She then realized she had to make a change for her daughter’s safety. She was finally able to leave for a safe alternative living arrangement which she said later was long overdue. She is far happier, she is safe, and she has a much better contact with her former boyfriend, under strictly controlled conditions.

      If you are a praying person, then by all means pray. Believing prayer was key for our daughter’s being able to ensure her and her little girl’s safety. It is not my place to ever recommend divorce and I am not doing that here. I am speaking purely in the interests of your safety and that of your daughter. I hope my comments help :) Please let us know how you are doing? Sincerely, WP (Work in Progress)

  14. Hello. My husband beats me and shouts at me in front of my 8 month baby girl. And every time she gets scared. But he don’t understand this. He is an educated person but inspite of that he does this. I admit I am not a perfect wife. I also make mistakes but he should not beat me. And few times I beat him after beating me in anger. I know this is very bad but I am tired of all this. Please do answer me.

    1. Hi Mona, I can understand where you would be very frustrated with this state of things. First thing of course, is to realize that you have direct control over your own actions and reactions. You need to resolve within yourself that you will own your mistakes and not repeat them –from today on out. This especially means to choose not to react to your husband’s physical violence with physical violence! Better to get away from him in the heat of the moment, lock yourself in a room if necessary –whatever it takes. You are clearly in a dangerous situation –you need to seek outside help and relocate if possible for your own safety.

      Also of great concern is your very young and vulnerable daughter! Aside from the fact that she is completely defenseless, her development will be severly impacted by this toxic environment. Although I did not grow up in nearly as bad a situation as you describe, I can clearly remember even now physical confrontations between my parents. I recall being very frightened, feeling very insecure and really wondering, “What will happen to me??” No child should ever be subjected to this. These moments were over 40 years ago but I recall them very well. Enough said?

      Our daughter was in a simlar situation to yours for 8 years. When her first daughter was born, she finally decided to leave. Now, 3 years later, she is much happier with a fine young man with whom she has a second daughter. Both children are doing well… I cannot imagine where our daughter would be had she stayed any longer. We did realistically fear for her life on more than one occasion during those difficult years.

      You need to get help and support… your main responsibiity now is your daughter and your daughter’s mother.

      I am a husband married 36 years with 2 adult children. Our daugher is now 28, and her oldest daughter now 4. I hope these comments help… WP (Work in Progress

  15. My husband beats and cheats on me. He cheats on me right in my face showing things off that the other woman bought him. Recently he beat me and the othe woman in the same night and also hurt an innocent person just walking past. He beats me at least once a year to where I have to take off work to hide the black eyes. The person he hurt pressed charges but they need me as a witness. Should I go? I mean I am so tired of being beaten and being cheating on. I just want to give up. Please someone give me advice.

    1. Kelly, this has to stop. He is going to kill someone –maybe you, or he may seriously hurt you or someone to the point of maiming, or crippling, or causing brain damage. He is a bully and needs to be stopped.

      You ask if you should testify as a witness. My thought is yes. He needs to have this on his record. But you need to talk to an abuse counselor first to find out how to protect yourself from the rage he will be filled with when he is finally confronted and not allowed to get away with everything scot-free. You need to find a way to protect yourself from this rage and the next time he goes into a rage thinking it’s okay to use you as his punching bag. You can see that he is escalating. That is quite common. This behavior is only going to get worse.

      Please read all you can in this “Abuse in Marriage” topic: http://marriagemissions.com/category/abuse-in-marriage. You need to educate yourself on the toxicity of this abusive behavior and see how to best protect yourself. If at ALL possible, I would find a way to get out of there. I am not, nor should you be treated as a door mat to be stepped on, or a punching bag to receive hits you do NOT deserve. That kind of behavior is completely unacceptable. Please read the articles because you need to better understand the danger you are in and how to better deal with it so you can come out of this alive and whole. I hope you will and pray God gives you the wisdom you need, and the way of escape from this abusive behavior. Your husband needs help… he is one sick person (I won’t even call him a man –a real man does not treat another human being, animal or any living thing like he has treated you). I’m so sorry for your pain.

      1. Thank you, I am scared. I am just so tired of all of this. He keeps syaing he will never do it again, and now he wants me to be on his side for the case. I don’t want to be involved at all; I just want peace of mind. If he is locked up for his crime I know that will give me enough time to save up to move out of town. I just wish I can get away from him, far, far away. I talked to my pastor the only one who knows about the situation and he said that my husband is a time bomb. He will kill me or someone else. I need to get away. I know he will blame me if he is locked up but I hope by that time I am gone.

        1. Kelly, your pastor is right. Please do what you need to do as quickly as you can. My same advice stands –Pray, read, pray, find advisement from an abuse counselor, pray, put together a plan, and act upon the wisdom God gives you. I’m scared for you. This man COULD kill you.

          1. Hi Kelly, I just read your text and Cindy’s answers now. I feel very much for you- I can sense your pain and desperation- EVERYTHING Cindy is saying is very true. Please read my text (July 15, 2016 at 3:37 am) to Mona just above yours (July 15, 2016 at 8:21 am.) Our daughter was in a situation like yours- the details are in the text I wrote to Mona just yesterday. My wife and I have seen your situation first hand.

            Reading your text is hard for me… brings back ALL the memories of our daughter… :(( They all keep saying they’ll never do it again! My daughter had the same… many women with physically violent partners have experienced the same pattern- and some do not survive.

            As Cindy has already said, yes your husband IS a time bomb. I believe you and the others he has hurt, should testify against him- but of course you should get the advice of people specializing in situations like yours first before deciding that question. Get help yesterday, if not today. DO NOT WAIT until tomorrow! Cindy is right! Your pastor is right!! We feared for our daughter’s life on more than one occasion. From your words, I fear for yours too.

            You deserve better! I hope our comments convince you… and I hope to hear from you soon. WP (Work in Progress)

  16. I threw a clock at my husband -it was Friday. He is always very stressed on Friday and I was wanting some attention -it was an alarm clock. He really lost it and ended up kicking me in ribs quite a few time. It still hurts; this was about a month ago. I can’t tell anyone. Not going to use my real name.

  17. Hi, my name is Linda. Me and my husband have been married 11 years and have 3 boys. Today is Monday so we went back to regular work week. This morning like no other, I put extra makeup on the side of my face and styled my hair over the maroon hand print left on my face by loving and God seeking husband.

    On Saturday night we got into a argument and I said something hurting too him that “caused” him to lose control and strangle me and strike my face. We have been having problems and arguing a lot lately but he has never touched me in such an aggressive way. He says he’s very sorry and cries shamefully every day since. He says he’ll never do it again and thinks we should pray over our home, marriage and children.

    But I’m hurt and lost on what to do. I know God hates divorce and as a Christian woman I have to practice forgiveness, but I can’t seem to forgive myself for forgiving him. Should I turn the cheek and let him do it again or forgive my husband 7×77?? Please help scriptures and my life; I am so confused.

  18. I have been beaten or shouted at for anything.
    He was a colleague in a department with the same project when I worked in the city. He forced to kiss me. Then I found he always complained to anything or anyone he did not feel good. I told him this and said “How can you complain others because of your fault? He got angry immediately at me. He kept forcing me in the office and promised to treat me well. I believed him and thought I could help him to be a mature man. I married him in 1990. He still got angry and complained everything, not only me. Anyone he met, anything he happened to see. He even shouted to the VP of my institute, that shocked all my department. Later he quit the job for the reason of “Every manager treated him bad and he could not stay a day”. He stayed at my one bedroom for more than a year before my son was born. He tried to work, but only a job lasted 3 years and he quit for a bad manager. Most income I made from the government owned institute. We argued, we disagreed, even he yelled me when his mother with us.
    After we immigrated to Canada, he became worse. As we share a two bedroom with a young couple, he got angry for a couple of days. When the couple’s friends’ kids came our room, jumped on the bed, he got angry at our son and yelled at out son. We went out with son. Since he walking in the front of me and son, kept yelling at our son. So I took my son walking in his opposite direction. He found and run to us and hit my upper body with his fist–the first hit in Canada.

    He complained everything. He complained red light stayed for two minutes. He complained the front driver drove slowly. He complained bus driver started one minute late. He complained a friend drove to fast and so he need to drove fast to a lake. I told him that he could choose to drive slowly as another friend did.

    He complained me even he did wrong. He got used to complained everything to me. He ordered me to do anything I must immediately did it, or else he would hit me. Once time he wanted to call his family, I told him the phone near our bed did not connected very well and when you called it might stop to work. I told him twice. He still used the phone near our bed. As I told him, he found the phone did not work well. He asked me to bring another phone in our living room. I told you, you did not listen. So I kept reading on the bed, he hit me at my red face. My red ear got deaf immediately and in a week my red ear started work.

    He hit me for anything he thought something was wrong. He thought his suggestion was helpful to my sister I did not agree. He hit me and told me he was help my family member. He shouted and yelled me when he could not fall sleep. He criticized me for a not appropriate word, someone did not agreed with me. He lost face since I said a fact of him. He yelled for a hair on the floor, the water in the vegetable washing bowl was not immediately thrown out to the yard.

    He told me two years ago, he hit me more with his force since when he hit me in our bed room I shouted my son’s name. He did not want our son know. I remembered when we talked on bed, I disagree with him, he hit me and I could not stop him, so I shouted my son’s name and wanted my son could stop him.

    Two years ago he got angry at me and yelled at me for a short conversation between me and a furniture salesman. The table delivered to our house was broken in a leg. We met the salesman on a Sunday and salesman said only manager could deal with this issue. So I asked for manager’s phone number and salesman wrote for me. He started yelled at me when I got into the car. He shouted and said I threatened the salesman. I did not. He yelled all way. That afternoon he called my mom and my sister a bad name. He said bad words to me. He started bad words to my mom and sister. I hit his butt with my foot. He kept hit my head and face. My head pained for two weeks and my face swollen for a week. My colleague asked me what happened to me I said nothing.

    I went to see doctor and doctor told me he would not stop.

    After each hitting, he always said sorry, it was his fault. He promised he would never hit me again. However in a couple of days he would say he hit me because I made him angry. It was my fault. He appreciated any man’s violence. He appreciated the man who shot his manager in the USA. When a man hit his wife to death in our city. He said the woman worth it.

    He said he never hit me but he continues doing so.

    He also yelled our son. My son got a knife and pointed his arm, said if you kept yelling I would kill myself when our son was in junior high. Since then he did not yell at our son.

    When my son was young, he told me his father need temper manager class. When his father yelled at me once a time he gave me a bag, we kept all cards and cash in it, asked me to go a safe place.

    Later he saw I cried and fought to his father. He did not know his father hit me and I fought back.

    Yesterday he pushed me on the floor, so I pushed his body away. My son saw I was on the floor and pushed his father. He stepped on my leg because he saw I pushed his father.

    His father gave him money more than he wanted. I ask him to find a job since he graduated. His father asked him not to find a nonprofessional job, he would support him. He stayed for two summer at home. He agrees with his father everything was my fault.

    What do I should do now?

  19. I don’t know where to start. I have been married for 4 and half years and knew him for more than 3 years. How can a person you know since 7 years; who claims to love you so much do this? The argument was silly; him not liking my brother and taking out his vendetta. I agree my brother is difficult but I can’t do anything about it. I love my family and I am very protective about them.

    Just the above argument escalated so much that he slapped me on the eye, hit me so hard with a hairbrush that I have bumps, my hands are shivering even when I am typing, he pushed me so hard that I have hurt my hip and the worst when I was crying he was imitating me; saying I’m overdoing my injury, he threw me out of the house but I’m back to the same constrictive house that is also supposed to me mine.

    I am a coward. I come from a very conservative family so divorce isn’t an option; I can’t leave him even though I fantasize about it sometimes. But I figure I am more shallow as I feel I love him immensely. I’m so lost and don’t even know how to go ahead. Just wanted to cry my heart out at what a person I used to be. I was independent, well educated, full of life and now stressed as we have been trying to have a baby but I think God is also waiting.

    I don’t have a bad life; in fact he keeps me more than happy for 29 days of the month but that 1 day, which triggers him makes me so low that everything feels bad. Please help!

  20. My boyfriend grabbed my wrist and squeezed them so hard and pushed me and left bruises on my wrists. This is the first time he has done this. We’ve been together a year now. I don’t know what to do. He apologized.

  21. I wrote my situation on July 18 here. I saw my writing after I posted it. Why could not I find it now?