How Do I Respond to Physical Abuse?

one sad woman sitting  near a  wall“Let me begin by saying that I cannot think of a circumstance in a marriage or family that could justify abuse of any kind —emotional, mental, physical, or sexual. Abusive behavior was never and can never be a part of God’s plan for a marriage or a family.

“For the sake of clarity, I’m going to limit this answer to physical abuse. And by this I mean assaulting, threatening, or restraining a person through force. It would include hitting, slapping, punching, beating, grabbing, shoving, biting, kicking, pulling hair, burning, using or threatening the use of weapons, blocking you from leaving a room or the house during an argument, driving recklessly, or intimidating you with threatening gestures…”

That’s the first few paragraphs of an article written by Dennis Rainey and Leslie Barner, posted on FamilyLife.com. We recommend you read it by clicking onto the link web site link below:

•  HOW TO RESPOND TO PHYSICAL ABUSE

If you have additional tips you can share to help others in this area of marriage, or you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
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94 responses to “How Do I Respond to Physical Abuse?

  1. Last night my husband got irritated with me because I was irritated with my daughter’s whining. I was huffing under my breath and he got angry. He said I’m always on my phone, which isn’t true. He’s on his IG every time he gets home. I work off my laptop and yes, I need to manage my time.

    Anyway I’ve been stressed out and need a break from my daughter. I love her to death but I haven’t had a moment to myself since she was born. I have family who literally live 5 minutes away who don’t even ask if I need a break. I’ve always been there for them and their kids and no one seems to care. I’m a stay at home mom and my daughter is almost two and I think the terrible 2 is already here.

    My husband gets to go to the gym and I don’t get to do anything. I don’t even get to go cut my hair at the salon any more but he does. I feel I’m the most terrible mom in the world and he verbally abuses me. Last night he threw me on the bed after I tried to stop him from breaking the laptop I got as a loaner from my brother. He then kicked me hard under my coccyx bone. That’s the first time he ever did that I’m scared and have been crying all day. I’m not sure what to do. He then broke my daughters crib and toys. Any advice???

    I can’t believe he kicked me! He has been hot headed since I met him. We’ve been separated and I thought he changed. Now that I have a daughter I feel trapped lost and confused.

    1. Dear NeedAdvice, I’m not sure of all of the details of what went on, because I’m only reading one side of this scenario (but I really don’t need to know the details). It’s not difficult to see that toxic behavior is going on when frustrations are “voiced” (whether they are voiced in healthy ways or not). Verbal abuse, physical abuse, and such are NEVER called for, and are wrong, NO MATTER how frustrated one or the other of you happens to be, concerning the situation at hand. These methods of handling frustrations are never, ever appropriate.

      With that said (and established) though, whining, playing the blame game, finger-pointing, and the like, are also not mature ways to handle the issues before you. They aren’t AS bad, but they’re still not appropriate to use to approach matters. It’s obvious that both of you are frustrated. And it’s obvious that both of you are doing things that you shouldn’t. What’s most concerning is that these types of behaviors, once they are acted out, can often start ramping up –getting worse each time. THAT needs to be nipped, before they do so.

      You BOTH need to talk to each other about your frustrations in less toxic ways. You can do this, but it will take intentionality, the right timing to do it in, and concerted effort made to approach these types of matters in mature ways. You and your husband aren’t kids, so you can do this. You just have to purpose to do this. You have to act more like marriage partners, than like frustrated children that act out your impulses. We have a lot of Communication Tools available to help you, posted on this web site. Please take advantage of what we make available. Go to the Communication Tools topic and see what will work for you. Don’t just keep going on, acting like children… especially in front of a child.

      This 2-year old needs her mom and dad to find better ways to work through situations like this. She also needs better role modeling. If your husband won’t do his part (which he may, if he is approached respectfully and at the right time, with the right motives), then you need to at least do your part.

      As for the underlying situation, it seems that you need a “break” in some way, so you can better approach your daughter, when she acts like a young child. 2-year olds are known for being unreasonable. But that doesn’t mean that we have to resort to being unreasonable. Perhaps being home full time won’t work for you. Perhaps you need to find a part time, or even a full time job outside of the home, so you have an outside outlet. My mom had NO patience when she was home all the time. She NEEDED at least a part-time job so she could better handle us 4 kids. Some people do. Others don’t. You just have to figure out what will work best for your 2-year old, for you, for your spouse, and your home life together.

      And/or maybe you need to switch out baby-sitting with someone, where you watch their child sometimes so they can have some private time, and they watch yours. Be resourceful. Also, computers, and the like –that, which can be used for social media, need to handled better. If we spend too much time using these as outlets, they can eat up our time and energy that might better be invested elsewhere. Yes, it can be enjoyable, but when it it’s overdone, it’s a “fun” that is destructive, and needs to be handled better. You know that… I sense it in your comment that you realize it. So, do something about it. Figure out boundaries for yourself and invest more time in your marriage, and home life with your daughter. This isn’t fun advice to give, nor to receive, but I’m hoping you will see the wisdom in what I’m trying to tell you. I care about you, your daughter, your husband, and your home life together. I hope you will receive what I’m saying here in the spirit it’s given… with care, and Christian compassion. I pray things go better for you as you do what you learn and you know you should do.

    2. Good Day… I’m also in an abusive relationship. I need help. Family and friends have told me so many times to leave him but it’s so hard because after everything he did, I still love him…I think. I pray everyday for me to get fed up so I could leave. We broke up for 3 years and came back thinking his changed! What hurts the most is that I’m the only woman that gets all his mess! But he says he loves me!!!

  2. My husband keeps shoving me and slapping me. I asked him to let me go, but he won’t. I’m scared to tell my parents because I think he will kill me if I try to leave. I’m scared to call police. His family lives nearby but because the fights start due to his parents complaints about me I’m scared to involve them either. My husband is 1 foot taller than me, if not more. I’m barely 45kg while he is close to 70kg. So when he pushes me I always get injured. He says I scratch him but it’s in self defense when he tries to choke me. My parents and family live overseas and nobody has a clue that he can be such a monster. How so how do I save myself? Can somebody help?

    1. You need to leave. It is hard but he will kill you if you dont leave. A real man would never put his hands on a woman. Ever. For any reason. I’ve gotten mad at my husband and he has NEVER LAID A HAND ON ME. LEAVE NOW. U deserve better.

    2. Badhon, You are receiving advice from different compassionate people to leave your husband. And I agree with their compassion. I love their hearts, and I care deeply for you and your safety, but be careful. What your husband is doing is absolutely wrong and your life may very well be in danger if you stay. But I want to caution you not to leave without thinking and praying through the whole thing. Make sure you have a plan of safety whether you are to leave or stay. Please read through the “Abuse in Marriage” articles and glean from them (and the ministries we link to) to find a plan that would work for you to best protect yourself. Here’s just one (there are others you should read, as well): http://marriagemissions.com/developing-a-safety-plan/.

      If you’re scared he will kill you if you leave, then be very prayerfully cautious in (quickly as you can) putting a plan together. Leaving without a plan may put your life in worse jeopardy. Pray, read, and figure out what will work best for your safety. Pray, quickly educate yourself, and see what you and God come up with to best protect yourself.

      Also, please tell your parents and family somehow without your husband knowing about it. Isolation and control is one of the many abusive behaviors that abusers use to protect their horrible behavior. They don’t want to answer to anyone –almost as if they’re above accountability. But be careful of contacting anyone via email. Here’s an article to read that may help you: http://marriagemissions.com/safety-on-the-internet-for-abuse-victims/. I pray this helps. I pray (along with others) that you are able to find hope, safety, and freedom from harm –physically and emotionally. May God help you!

  3. I’ve been married to my husband a little over year now. We married each other after 3.5 months. We both felt we were old enough and had enough life experience to know what we wanted in life; being married was now apart of the plan. He has 2 children who live out of state, he isn’t very close to them, he had a career in the military, which left little time for a family and after 10 years they divorced (she had an affair and now is married to the gentleman). He recently retired from the military and was medically discharged due to PTSD and major depressive disorder. He was hospitalized a few years ago due to his mental illnesses.

    When I met him, he was getting help and had completed his stay at the hospital and the program. He was also in multiple therapy programs and on medication. When I raised my concerns about his mental health, he minimized them, reassuring me he was through the worst of his depression and his life was now turning around, he also said that getting out of the military was best for him and I agreed and believed him. There were many red flags in the beginning of our relationship (there were other women he remained in contact with after we married and he gave me his ex-fiancé’s engagement ring and married me with it; unbeknownst to me). We worked through those issues. He always seems sincere and helpless when he makes mistakes, it’s hard not to feel sorry for him and want to forgive him.

    The abuse has been going on for almost a year now and has only gotten worse and more violent. Today he choked me, I nearly lost consciousness, he threatened to kill me and my kids and himself. I begged him to stop and he did. He left the house and called shortly after to apologize. I told him he needs to get help immediately and asked him to admit himself into the hospital, that I can’t have him here in our home. He cried and agreed to go to the VA hospital. I don’t know what to do now. I have a bruise around the front of my throat. I love him and believe he can get better. But I know he isn’t healthy and may never be stable. Should I leave him?

    1. All I can say is that you both need sincere help before it looks like it would be safe to continue living together as husband and wife. 3.5 months, ESPECIALLY with his issues is not enough time to work through the things you needed to know, to live together as husband and wife in a healthy way. Do the hard work now, before you consider reconciliation, and see where it goes from there.

      You need a good counselor who knows his or her stuff about Post Traumatic Stress issues, violent, abusive behavior, AND is a good marriage counselor (not every good counselor is a good marriage counselor). Abusers can be charming, and also often know how to work the system. Be aware of that. I recommend that you contact the ministry of Focus on the Family at Focusonthefamily.com. They have counselors on staff who can help you get started in the right direction. Don’t short-change this process. This will take time, intentionality, and cooperation on both of your parts to work through your issues. Apologizing isn’t enough… true repentance that is backed up with long-term actions before you even THINK about reconciling is important. Your life was spared this time, but this type of behavior, unless properly dealt with will often ramp up. Your life and the lives of your family could pay a HIGH price, if you don’t get the help that is needed. I hope you will.

      Your husband CAN change, but it will be very, very difficult, and very, very complicated. I hope he and you are committed to doing what it takes to get him to that better place. This will be a very difficult journey, to say the least, but a very important and noble one, if it is accomplished.

      1. Cindy, I really appreciate the reply. I agree with everything you wrote. I really feel like I have no one to talk to about what’s happening. I’m afraid to talk to my family or friends for fear of judgement.

        As of now my husband has been admitted and is being held on 5150 for up to 72 hours. I don’t know any details; he text to tell me which hospital he was at and which one he’s being transported to. I believe, according to Internet research, when a person is held on a 5150 they’re not allowed contact with anyone for the first 24 hrs.

        My kids have no idea what’s going on, and when they asked where my husband was I said he had a meeting out of town and won’t be back for the night. I feel crazy. I feel like it’s my fault, I got him angry because I was upset with lack of communication and it wasn’t even a big deal. But I was upset and when I mentioned how I felt he blew up and got violent. He said I was a nag and other disdainful words. If I just didn’t get upset this wouldn’t have happened… I feel like it’s my fault.

        I will look into Focus on the Family for resources. Please keep me in your prayers. I feel terrible. Absolutely terrible. I am intelligent enough to know it’s abuse, but feel completely helpless.

        I feel like I’m not sure if I’m committed to getting him better. I have a mentally handicapped daughter who is violent and the emotional toll it takes on me to juggle both is incredibly taxing. I feel abused by both my daughter and my husband. I feel like “what about me?” Am I suppose to sacrifice my wellbeing and happinesss for my husband? I feel like he’s going to always need help and I will be his caretaker, leaving me emotionally, spiritually and psychologically exhausted, depleted and empty. I feel betrayed by him, that he didn’t have the will power enough to not hurt me. I feel abandoned by him. Am I suppose to sacrifice myself for my husband? I have forgiven him countless times over the abuse.

        I ‘m sorry. I’m only rambling. Thank you again for taking the time to respond. Sincerely thank you!

        1. Sandra, I can’t even begin to tell you how much my heart goes out to you. Here you thought you were marrying the dream love of your life, and a nightmare appears, instead. There is little advice I can give to you… except to encourage you not to look beyond what is in front of you today. Take one step at a time… don’t look ahead, thinking of the possible sacrifices that may or may not need to be made.

          When you contact the ministry of Focus on the Family, go into the “Get Help” section, and then the “Contact a Counselor” part of it. They have counselors on staff, who can help you figure out where to get the help you need. Try not to be quick to dump out of your marriage. Make the effort to talk to a good counselor to unpack all of this, and figure out what you should do from there. You may be surprised, as you pray, what you are capable of doing, and what you should and shouldn’t do. I can’t tell you what to do… but I can tell you to not make fast decisions. You did that once before… don’t repeat the same mistake.

          Read through the articles we have posted in the “Abuse in Marriage” topic to better keep yourself safe, work with a counselor to help you figure out what you are to do today, and then take one day, one step at a time. Eventually, you will most likely need to tell your family, but a counselor help to guide you as to the timing and the verbiage you should use to do so. I pray the Lord gives you wisdom to keep yourself safe and to know what you should do today, and then the next day, and eventually beyond… I pray help for you when you need it, and the courage and strength to do what you need to do for you and your marriage.

          1. I wanted to provide an update. My husband is still at the mental facility he was admitted to. I’m really glad he’s getting help. I called Focus on the Family and spoke with a counselor on staff, she was VERY helpful and provided a lot of information; treatment centers, therapist etc. all local and in my area. I looked into individual counseling for domestic violence for myself and have been placed on a wait list and should hear back around this time next week.

            I’ve been in contact with the hospital my husband was admitted to and shared with his social worker the details of what happened on Tuesday and my concerns. He is scheduled to be released as early as tomorrow but has voluntarily agreed to stay until Monday. I can’t say I was pleased with the call, she seemed very impersonal. I’ve spoke to him once since we was admitted and he was very worried and scared. Yesterday I missed his call and he sounded much better and stronger, my only problem was he had no concern for me or how I was doing or how I was holding up. It was all about him and his progress.

            My plan is for him and for myself to get treatment and not live together until things improve. There needs to be “long term action on his part before I can begin to think about reconciliation”.

            I hope these comments inspire others to seek help. One phone call to any crisis center, better yet, Focus on the Family counseling staff, can make all the difference and will empower you. Furthermore once you treat yourself like you matter, then you will start to matter. I’m grateful this website existed during this time of my life. Cindy, I reread what you wrote over and over again the day after I posted, reminding myself not to look to far ahead. Everything you said became my salvation and made me feel like I could do it. Thank you for your prayers.

          2. Oh Sandra, I’m so glad you’re in a better place emotionally. You have a long, hard road ahead of you, yet I’m so glad that you aren’t focusing on the length of that road, but rather upon what you can do today –each step at a time, which can get you to a better place. It’s like what they say, “How do you eat an elephant? One bit at a time.” This is a “one bite at a time” situation. I applaud you that you have taken such brave steps to get yourself onto better footing for now, and in the future. I truly believe that one day you will look back and will say, “Wow! I can’t believe how far I’ve come and how much more strength I’ve had to get here, than I ever thought possible!”

            I want you to know that I’m praying for your husband too. He needs extreme help also. No matter what the future is for you and for him, you both need prayers and to grab the strength and resources He can supply to plug into and use the help you can get. Please keep us posted on what you’re learning on this journey. You may take many steps forward, and then one or a few back, and then forward again (because this is all a new learning thing for you), but the important thing is that even if you fall for a time –that you pick yourself up and keep looking at the next healthy step you can take… falling forward is better than living backward, anytime. I pray for you and care about you. I’m sure that many, many others who read through this web site do, as well.

  4. My husband gets easily angered at little things and this didn’t happen till after our marriage. About a month after marriage he chokes me and he threatened to kill me if I leave or threatens to punch me in the face if I try and stand up instead of sitting down. I’m scared and I want out. His mother even has threatened me if I call the police on her son; she tells me its ok if a couple fight and a woman gets put in her place. I’m so scared hes gonna kill me and I want out. Please, I need advice on getting out without being killed in the process.

  5. I’m 47 years old and I’ve been married to my husband for 14 years. I left my friends and family in the US and moved to Switzerland for him with my son who was 7 at the time. My daughter was born in 2003. My husband has a Jekyll & Hyde personality. Any little stress trigger can set him off and I never know what it is. He choked me once because I didn’t react properly to a situation (his friend was mad at him and threatening to sue him). I had my first day of work that day at a new job and was exhausted and didn’t call his friend an a…hole like my husband wanted. That was 7 years ago.

    Since then he’s pushed me and come at me with his fists and frying pans and threatened to kill me but hasn’t actually touched me. I moved out at one point and he finally agreed to go to a marriage counselor. He wouldn’t let me tell the counselor about his physical abuse but the counselor could tell he had an anger issue and insisted on seeing him only.

    At one point, the counselor wanted to see us together and my husband freaked out on me in front of the counselor. The counselor told him he was out of line and had a problem but my husband refused to go after that. That was the only time he let any other adult see this side of him. He’s actually sickenly nice to the neighbors and his aquaintences (he doesn’t have any close friends). He’s also had an affair (I found out because he sent an email from one of our business accounts with porn attached telling her he wanted to do that with her). He’s threatened to go to prostitutes if I don’t have sex more often with him. He’s addicted to porn and watches it every day. He refuses to work because he can’t handle the stress. The list just goes on and on….

    I’ve wanted to leave him for a long time but I don’t want to upset my daughter. I feel that if I stay in Switzerland he’ll either make my life very hard or even try to kill me (like he’s threatened to do many times before). It would be easiest for me to cut all ties and move back to the US with my son but I can’t leave my daughter and I feel this will cause her emotional pain for her whole life. I’m mentally ready to leave and have the financial resources I just don’t know what to do about my daughter. She’s 12 and a dual citizen.

    Does anybody have any good suggestions? I’ve wracked my brain for several years over this and any input would be appreciated.

  6. I just woke up at night to see if my husband was fine. I slept at 9 while putting my son to bed. I woke up around 12. I couldn’t locate husband in bed, so I got up to check. My husband was talking to some one on phone. He always calls someone or other after getting drunk late at night around 11-12 and keeps talking till 2 – 3 in the morning. He also has history of talking about his love and asking for sex on calls. These ladies or guys he calls are generally family, friends or some one known.

    I asked him to stop talking as it was very late in the night. Just for curiosity I checked his cell for messages. There was a message from his ex girlfriend– that’s what he says. I saw it and just ignored it. He took away the cell from me and deleted the message. I was shocked! If he has nothing going on like affair, why did he delete the message? I asked him why did he delete the message. This offended him. He tore away his clothes and mine. He held my arms strongly. I got bruises all over my hands. He accused me of not trusting him and thinking him as a Casanova…I suppose he is. Then started a whole list of abuse towards me and my family.

    I have a sister-in-law married for past 2 years to brother-in-law. Well, according to everyone, she is very pretty. Yes she is very fair. But I wont call her beautiful. She has a nice body shape. Brother-in-law just drools over her. And so she is an apple of eye for all. She stays on same floor as in laws. My husband started accusing me of not taking care of his parents. He too praised sister-in-law and his parents. But along with it he kept on abusing me and my parents.

    Why am I being shamed?? It hurts badly. Just because her husband is supportive she is treated like a queen and loved by all. Just because my husband hates me i am ridiculed always. I tried every thing to win heart of in laws but they just treated me as slaves. Just because my husband fails to value me. After fighting with me, he woke up my sleeping son. And started poisoning his mind against me. It was 1 at night and husband disturbed the sleep of my son. What shall I doooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo? I am so very fed up.

  7. Me and my husband got into a stupid argument, I was still upset at him using profanity and calling me other demeaning names because I constantly tell him what he needs to do to help otherwise he won’t do it. We have two sons. my oldest is one and my youngest is 2 months old, he will forget to change diapers and does not help me clean. He works 4 hrs a day 5 times a week so he has more than enough time and energy to help me but he doesn’t and I constantly ask and remind him of his responsibilities; and I’m tired of it.

    I told him I don’t like to argue over stupid things and having to repeat myself every day gives me headaches, heartache, and stresses me because it feels like he doesn’t care. I told him not to display violence around our boys. My youngest was crying and I was getting mad at my husband because he hadn’t righted his wrong from earlier and he slammed the bedroom door while I was talking and scared our youngest. I got mad and went at him to slap his face. I know that was wrong but he was just being such a jerk. Well he grabbed me and started wrenching me around like I had a weapon or something. I don’t know what he was thinking, but he was squeezing my wrist and he threw me to the ground and choked me.

    I let my body go weak so he’d stop. He yelled at me “you done yet, you done yet” like I was going to hurt him and I just stared at him. He got off me and I told him never to touch me again. My neck was stinging, and my wrist was throbbing; he took off saying he was going to divorce me, I just ignored him and picked up my crying baby and calmed him. My 1 yr old woke from his nap and I waited for him to come back, he came back and didn’t say anything. No worries. No “I was wrong. No nothing. I feel like crap.

  8. I am married and a mother to a toddler. My husband is a practical logical thinker, nearly perfectionist, professional, planned, great caring father. Often when there is a fight or argument he wins as he has a valid point. He humiliates me to being worse when I show attitude, am careless, laid back, wasting money, not action oriented, not caring concerned enough for our kid and not able to take decisions. When I feel “good for nothing” and blame him for it he says it’s my defense mechanism to run from things.

    I often seek his approval to do things. When there is a problem he keeps talking and I go silent, this makes him furious and he gets into low level talking to make me talk, he insists on discussions which I often fail to do, also I don’t take criticism too well, which he thinks I should accept with open arms and learn and grow. According to him I am not a good mother, wife, working professional and homemaker

    Last week, he came drunk (he has been coming drunk very often and I get angry with it, also have a silent concern for his health) and we had to go out of station next day. Packing was pending, as with toddler it’s a struggle. One of his friend’s wife told me my husband stays late at office and fools me, it was all in humor. I got angry with his drunkard behavior and said to him that his friend says he stays longer in office, not for work but otherwise. My husband got super furious, he coudn’t take my words and started bad mouthing about his friend how unprofessional that guy is and that he cant be compared to him.

    To vent out his anger he started hitting me. I pleaded with him not to hit in front of our kid. He continued and by mistake hit the kid also. I got furious and asked him to get out of the house, he dragged me out of the house, and that point I broke down for my kid and begged him to leave me. I was scared. I had a little breathlessness attack, which my husband panicked and called a neighbor, I was fine little later with putting my head under cold water, we didn’t tell anything to the neighbor.

    Next day early morning I threatened my husband to leave him, he begged for apology and cried too (he is a tough guy who never cries even in worst situations). I didn’t forgive him and we left for our trip (to see my newly born niece in other city). We remained cold to each other, slowly in matters concerning our kid he started talking only to the point, correcting me, telling me what to do for her. All this while my mind was and is shut down, I was trying to control my emotions and didn’t want to tell my family about it, as I promised him I won’t tell anyone to spare myself and our kid from any further bashings. We have come back home yesterday and because of kid and matters of house we have to talk, and I don’t feel like. I do want to live separately from him but can’t. He is getting back on track the usual him telling me what to do and what not to do regarding kid and home matters.

    I wrote to him that whatever has happened would never make things normal between him and me and that I will now on fake our marriage for the sake of our kid and society. He replied saying it was always fake so no pretension is required. I just feel I didn’t deserve what happened and have lost my ability to think what I should think right now. And he already making me feel I am the reason for whatever happened (he didn’t say it I feel it). I just need a view to put things into perspective. Please help.

  9. I’ve been married for 2 years; it’s my second marriage and his third. My husband is much older than me, he’s very succesful has his own business and we live a pretty comfortable life. I do work, and am able to save all my earnings since he covers any and all my expenses. When we met he was divorced but still had properties with his ex, during these two years I’ve been harrassed, attacked, threatened by his ex, to the point where I had a restraining order mandated by court against her. To say that there has been stress in our marriage wouldn’t do the situation justice. I have no family here, I have no friends and can barely interact with people at work. My entire life revolves around my husband and his needs.

    I thought I was ok with this situation, but this weekend my husband and I had an argument that ended with him throwing me on the floor, twisting my ankle, my back is filled with bruises; my hand and neck are purple from him strangling me. I did not call the police. I haven’t even told my family since they live in another country. I don’t know what to do. I have no one to run to and don’t know what to do. The argument happened because we were on our way to the hardware store, I told my husband that I would go to the furniture store next door to check on an order I had placed for our country home, and that I would meet him back at the hardware store in 15 minutes. Normally we do this together, but I just didn’t feel like going to the store with him and since they’re next to each other I didn’t see the problem.

    Well when I came to look for my husband, he wasn’t there. He left me. He left me there for 2 hours, after which he came back to pick me up. He stated that he had been waiting for me and since I wasn’t there he just left, but of course he came back later to pick me up. I was so upset so hurt. I live in a city where I don’t know anyone, I didn’t have the house keys with me, he didn’t answer the phone, he just left me there. When we got home, I locked myself in the room took a shower and went to bed. I was crying for hours until he broke through the door demanding to be let into our room. When I asked him to leave he just got angrier and angrier and then started to shout at me that this was all my fault for leaving him behind.

    I tried to leave the room and he grabbed me so I threw my bottle of water at him draping him in water and that’s when he lost it. He is a black belt, and he just came at me amd threw me on the floor and pressed on my neck with his leg. Ever since he has tried to make up. He keeps saying it’s all my fault, that he was just defending himself. I’m so afraid I feel paralysed. I’m in so much physical pain. So ashamed to go to work I don’t know how to cover my bruises. I also don’t want to file a police report because he has two previous charges with both his exes and this would be a terrible thing for him as he currently has an open case against his previous wife.

    I always believed that his exes had lied about those charges amd that they were using it as a way to get more alimony and score better divorce settlements. I’m so confused I am starting to believe that it truly is my fault and that I deserved this. I fear I am becoming a victim of abuse and that if he did this there is no saying what he will do next. Am I crazy?

    1. You are not crazy. This is like sitting on a keg of lit dynamite with your eyes closed. You never know when it will go off (and escalate). I’m not sure what your laws are like in Spain. I’m not sure if you have counselors who know more about abuse victimization. If you do, take advantage of what is made available. You don’t have to turn him in… just find ways to protect yourself and fight against abusive reasoning and behavior. And please read what we have posted on this web site about abuse in marriage. Read through and figure out how to keep yourself as safe as possible.

      Also, I understand why you wouldn’t want others to know about what happened. But on the other hand, it is wise to at least have SOMEONE know who won’t judge, but will pay attention. I’ve heard of people who have had their lives saved because someone outside of the abusive household paid attention and when things escalated into dangerous zones, they got help for their friend… just in the nick of time.

      Now that you know his exes were not lying, pay attention to the possibilities as far as protecting yourself. Think of escape plans, and such (the articles will give you tips that will help you to know what you should best pay attention to). The fact that he isn’t repentant, is disturbing –that he blames you. Please know this is NOT about you –it is about him and his inability to practice self-restraint with you. He obviously doesn’t do this to everyone –so he DOES have some self-restraint. He chooses to not restrain himself with you. And don’t believe it’s because you “push his buttons” or that you “make him madder than anyone else. That may be true, but not all husbands or wives abuse, when their spouses do these things –it’s just that your husband does not stop HIMSELF when and where the other spouses do. HE is in the wrong –you don’t MAKE him abuse you.

      Pray for wisdom and help, and then become a student of abusive behavior so you can best protect yourself. If you need to put a plan together to escape, then do so. Don’t allow yourself to continue to be subjected to abuse. You aren’t helping yourself, plus it will enable him to keep ramping up his abusive behavior if he has you to be his punching bag. I pray God helps you to be wise in this, and that you take His advice.

  10. Hi. I’ve been living with my partner for 6 months and just told him I don’t love him; so he beat me up and threatened to kill my mum & kids to make me miserable. What do I do? I’m very scared of him as my kids are older are never home and afraid when they’re not there he’s gonna beat me. HELP!

  11. My fiancé fights with me. When he gets angry or when we go for walks he twists my wrist when I try to leave or blocks me from walking by standing in front of me threatening to leave me. But I won’t leave him so what do I do? He goes through my phone. Even when I tell him not to get on my phone he does it anyway. I don’t go through his phone or stay in a room for a long time with the phone.

    He gets angrier when I try to defect or stand up for myself. I don’t know what to do because I won’t leave him. I love him too much.

    1. If you won’t leave him, then realize that you haven’t seen anything yet as far as how abusive and controlling this relationship will get in the future, if you marry (even if you don’t marry). This is just a sip of a whole lot of crap you will have to swallow later… not to mention how dangerous it could get. A “simple” twist of the wrists, threats, in your face defiance will be nothing compared to what you’ll have in store coming in the future.

      I can’t even START to tell you how many emails and comments we receive and the eventual horror stories that develop in the lives of those who have said the same thing as you. “Love” is good and dandy at this stage, but if you allow this type of behavior to go on saying you’ll never leave… then I’m telling you that your “love” and commitment will eventually die a dangerous and toxic death. I’m just warning you.

      I recommend you talk to an abuse center and see what they have to say to you concerning the unhealthy behavior that’s already going on –what they would recommend, if you’re brave enough. Your sanity and life in the future may depend upon it.

  12. My name is Samantha. I got married 3 years ago to whom I thought was my Prince Charming. I thought he was absolutely perfect! We are both young. Within the three years we’ve had two children, one who is 2 years old and the other who is 1. We all live together with my husband’s parents so it’s pretty crowded.

    My husband has put his hands on me many times throughout these years and it’s getting worse. He does it in front of our kids. I don’t fight back. I just take it… He calls me horrible names. Cusses me out daily and physically abuses me 4-8 times a week I’d say. I never thought I’d be with a man who abuses me. I’m not even sure I love him anymore. He’s turned out to be a monster and I’m honestly scared of him and what he is capable of at this point.

    I put my kids first and I want the very best for them. I want them to have a happy and fun life and a wonderful childhood. I’m almost 20. My family has pretty much disowned me (except for my dad and grandmother) because I’m with him. They don’t know what’s going on. My husbands family does know. They don’t really care. I just feel so alone. I’ve never felt so alone.

    I am a Christian. I love God with all of my heart. I pray so hard for answers… Signs. I just need something, some kind of input. I’m scared, lonely, and beyond heartbroken that the man I had children with and married turned out to be this way. He has anger issues. And he takes it out on me. He says it’s “my attitude” or I didn’t do this right or that right. Someone please help. I need advice now more than ever.

    1. I left my comment before I read yours and it sounds similar. I really hope you find help. I know what your going through; it’s hard. I really hope things get better. I wish I knew what to do. God bless you! I’m going to pray for you!

  13. I actually don’t know what to say; I don’t know what to do. I have a five year old and a one year old. My husband has started abusing me since I was pregnant with my youngest. He says he’s sorry and that it won’t happen again. But it does and it scares me because he really hurts me. The first time when I was pregnant he grabbed me a shook me and gradually he’s hurt me more and more. He has thrown me, slammed my head against the floor repeatedly, kicked, and now punches me. He pushed me in the face last night. I have no time to even think of what to do because we start taking care of our kids and things go back to normal. And then the same thing happens again.

    I want him to go so I don’t have to put my kids through leaving. I fear for our safety. I don’t even really have time to write this comment. But I haven’t talked about this since it started to anyone except my husband. My husband wants to stay. He won’t leave. I want it to get better but how? It’s getting worse.

    My kids childhood and lives are the most important thing, their safety and health and happiness. I really wish I knew what to do. He changes and I don’t know what he’ll do next. I want help but I don’t want to leave my email because he uses it.

  14. Hi, Please help me with my situation. I’m married on 2007. I have two girls. One is 4 yrs and other one is 2 years. My husband always is supportive blindly to his parents, even if they do wrong. He never ask them anything but they treat me as garbage. So they all three (My hubby and his mom and dad) fight with me, make me cry, they don’t let me go out for shopping, to my sister’s house or to my parent’s house. If I ask anything about this, my hubby says yes my parents are right. You listen to my parents and stay in home.

    I’m not sharing these things to my parents. Always I work in home but I do it happily. Why my hubby don’t understand me. No freedom, no respect, he slaps me, pushes me down and shouts.

    Now we are in another country because of my hubby’s job. We’re away from his parent but he still talks about his parents and fights with me. I asked him to leave me and stay with his parent but he is saying, he wants to torture me!! Why is this? How to deal with this psycho man?

  15. I need help…Me and my husband have been married for over a year now and have a four month old baby. My husband has always been verbally abusive to me; he has alway belittled me. During my pregnancy and just after, I responded to he’s demeaning words with slapping him or getting so angry to push him. But after I was over my postpartum depression and helped my hypothyroidism, I was getting better at handling things. He used to watch porn and I was sane enough to finally come up with a way to make him stop and didn’t just sit there and cry.

    Well, we’ve been fine for awhile but recently he’s been running me into the ground by asking me to do everything. We’ve been trying to move so I’ve been packing, looking for a place, run my painting business and take care of our baby. Its been really hard but I was okay with it. Even with all that he got mad at me two day’s ago for saying I don’t trust anyone to watch our baby right now and he got SO angry with me. We started fighting and I needed to leave cause with all that stress I didn’t need this too. He got mad I was leaving and as he tried to get me to stay he busted my lip and tried to break the window in my truck as I drove away.

    I came back after 45 minutes or so and he was still ready to fight. We started yelling at each other and he poked my face so I pushed his hand away, then he grabbed my face so tight it really hurt so I tried kicking him off and he knocked me out by punching me multiple times. I never touched him first, after I was better from pregnancy I promised to never hit him again. Well he went to jail and I went to the ER. I don’t know what to think and I don’t know what to do. His family is saying he didn’t mean it and my family is saying it’d be dumb for me to forgive him for this.

    1. Don’t do it. These things happen for a reason. To show you when enough is enough. Otherwise it wouldn’t have escalated that far. What if he had killed you ?

  16. My husband always gets angry if I say the slightest of complaints about his mother and sister, although they are valid complaints. I stopped doing so yet I get my hair pulled and slapped hard across my face many times on behalf of his mother and sister saying that I have abused them when I don’t even live with those women or interact with those women.

    I don’t understand why he comes visits me all the way to my parents home and then slaps me during arguments that don’t even involve his family saying that I deserve a divorce or death or God’s curse and I’m slapped on my face for their sake. I neither interfere in those women’s lives nor do I even meet them or talk to them or about them to anyone. Yet I’m beaten black and blue for their sakes.

  17. After 9 years of being together and married for 4 of those years, he had an affair about a year ago and we have been fighting a lot. Since all the hurt and betrayal it has left me angry, some times he says the most horrible things to me and I lose it. I’ve hit him and he has always been a gentleman never touched me until recently – he choked me twice. I don’t Know what to do. Am I in an abusive relationship?

  18. Hi. I’m also in an abusive relationship. My boyfriend has been abusive since the beginning of our relationship. At first, it was just verbal. Name calling and what not. He kept accusing me of sleeping around which I was not doing. Then one day he just threw me across the room and it’s been like that ever since. He will pull me by the hair and throw me around. He leaves bruises on my body. He’s punched me in my ribs. He’s kicked me in the mouth. He’s choked me multiple times. He is very hot headed and I don’t know how to control him. After the abuse I’ll usually sit in the shower and cry and he will come in and tell me how sorry he is and that it’ll never happen again and it always happens again. I love him but I’m scared of him. I tried to leave him once and he got so upset. I keep planning to leave without telling him but I always change my mind because I’m scared of being alone.

    1. Please, please, please quietly go to or contact an abuse center. The city you’re located in MUST have abuse centers. You truly need help. At least go and listen to what they have to tell you and make your decisions from there. They have experience in this type of situation and can help you. You may be scared of being alone, but there are worse things –like being dead or seriously injured, permanently. You may not think that would happen, but as the abuse center can tell you, it happens all the time –people who minimized the seriousness of it, later regretted it to the end, and then it was too late.

      The way this is escalating, I’m VERY concerned that will happen to you someday… and most likely soon. This guy will never change UNLESS something forces him to change or he goes to someone to help him to change. He can’t do this on his own, which is obvious. If he could, he would have done it by now. His regrets and promises are empty, unless he is willing to get the help he needs. This type of abusive behavior will only get worse. Please read the other articles and quotes on this web site in the Abuse topic, plus the ones we link to, and you will see that truth.

      You need people who can counsel and help you through this. It’s a free service… just ask for the help. Kylie, you are worth more than this. You don’t deserve to be anyone’s punching bag –verbally or physically. God never created you for this. Please take this seriously. This could be a turning point in his life and yours to turn things in a positive direction with the help they can give you. But first, inquire alone so they can give you a good strategy on how to approach him later. We will be praying for you, as will many others who come to this web site and read your post. People do care what happens to you. And so does God. We don’t think it was by “chance” that you came to this web site. We believe God lead you, and wants you to go further in getting the help you need, before it’s too late. We hope you will.

  19. Hi, I have been married for one year and my husband abuses me physically/verbally. My husband’s ex told me that while he was planning to marry me, he was forcing her to marry him or he will cut his hand’s vein. (I feel like I came in between them. While marrying him I thought it was a love marriage but I don’t feel love anymore.) When I confronted him he totally denied and started abusing me. I was standing in front of him and crying and asking him to tell me the truth as I was in lots of pain and he was lying on sofa and saying go away, stop acting, drama queen etc.

    He uses many bad words for me and my family. He doesn’t even care when I cry. He calls me a drama queen. He says I am nothing in front of him. He treats me very badly. I always try not to express my emotions through tears but couldn’t control. I am very sad. I can’t even tell my parents as he was my choice. He says if you don’t want to live with me then ask your father to book your ticket and go.

    I can’t discuss this with anyone. He talks very rudely. I am scared of living with him but I don’t show him. I don’t know what to do. I am from India and living in the U.S. with my husband. I feel very lonely here. I can’t even go back to my parents as I don’t want to trouble them.

  20. My husband loves me. He provides and gives everything that I want. But whenever we argue or sometimes he will annoy me and I start to raise my voice or shout at him, he will just lash out and threaten me. Just today, we argued and I shouted at him. He said He feels disrespected whenever I shout at him so he hit me 5 times. He says I bring out the worst in him. He warned me that if I keep on shouting at him he will hit me but I didnt stop. So I feel that it is my fault.

  21. I am under 30 and am engaged to a man that physically and verbally abuses me when he is upset, regardless of who is at fault or what the reasoning is. This is on me though. I am a fool. I dated this man a few years ago and we had a brutal breakup because the physical abuse turned into death threats. He also threatened to send nasty messages to my parents and family (about our sex life, etc.) if I broke up with him. With some help, I left and was stronger than ever. He ended up sending messages with rude/derogatory comments about me to my family and friends. But with the support of good friends, I got through it.

    A few years later, I met him again and he had appeared to be so different. He apparently “sought help” for his behavior. Before you knew it, we were engaged, bought a house together, and are now planning our wedding. When I got back with him, my entire family and friends questioned me, some friends don’t even talk to me because they feel so disrespected. I am a fool. Years later, I wish I had listened. Everyday I hide behind a happy smile because I would be so, so, so, so, so unbelievably embarrassed if I leave now. I can’t. He would put me through this whole mess again – death threats. Embarrassing comments to all of my family and friends. These are things the police cannot prevent. No one can prevent him from publicly humiliating me and shaming me – again. He made it clear once before that he would ruin my life and he will do it again.

    I cry almost everyday alone in the shower. I have yet to tell a soul that he now again (like before) hits me when he’s angry. Or kicks me. He swears at me almost everyday. Tells me I’m worthless without him. Useless. Calls me names. Shames me. Also will tell me that he can’t live without me. If I die, he dies. He hasn’t changed. I was and am a fool. I am a failure. How could I have been so blind? Now, I am engaged and I cry in the shower almost everyday. I cry when I am alone driving. I am so ashamed of myself. I have made some impressive academic and work achievements, yet how can I fail so greatly at my personal and love life?

    I haven’t told a soul that he physically and verbally abuses me. Not one. I hold it in and I almost can’t believe how humans can feel such pain and still be alive. I almost feel like I might faint or pass out just from crying so hard. I am so sad and so scared to marry this man. I try to “mother” him by explaining that he needs to control his temper. I try to teach him that, it’s okay to be upset. We can disagree without yelling. I feel like a mother crying at her son to stop abusing her and to act like a gentleman. I feel broken. This is my first time since our engagement that I am opening up.

    1. Omg!!! There are services here in Canada for you, my dear!!! Please use them, and use them tomorrow morning! Call Barbra Schlifer clinic. They will help you. I will pray for you! There is no shame in leaving the guy, and people who truly care for you will understand, trust me! If they don’t, they should read up on the cycles of abuse! I truly hope you can leave safely. Also, you really know you are WORTHY of kind and gentle love. This is the absolute truth. You were brave enough to share, and you will be brave enough to get out!