Are you suffering from physical abuse? If you are, please pray, read, and glean through the following info. This is not a “one-size-fits-all” situation. Prayerfully proceed. But:
Let me begin by saying that I cannot think of a circumstance in a marriage or family that could justify abuse of any kind. That includes physical abuse, emotional, mental, or sexual abuse. Abusive behavior was never and can never be a part of God’s plan for a marriage or a family.
For the sake of clarity, I’m going to limit this answer to physical abuse. And by this I mean assaulting, threatening, or restraining a person through force. It would include hitting, slapping, punching, beating, grabbing, shoving, biting, kicking, pulling hair, burning, using or threatening the use of weapons, blocking you from leaving a room or the house during an argument, driving recklessly, or intimidating you with threatening gestures…
That’s the first few paragraphs of an article written by Dennis Rainey and Leslie Barner, posted on FamilyLife.com. Dennis and Leslie give a lot of great insights within this article.
We recommend you read it by clicking onto the link web site link below to learn:
• HOW TO RESPOND TO PHYSICAL ABUSE
— ALSO, Concerning Physical Abuse —
Here is another great article that can clear up some of the myths about how you should respond to abuse. It can help to clear up some of the misconceptions spouses and others can have. They are truly worth your time to read them. We believe there is something within this article for everyone to learn. Please read:
• 4 MYTHS ABOUT RESPONDING TO SPOUSAL ABUSE
Additionally, you will find below two blogs that are written by Leslie Vernick. Leslie specializes in abuse situations within relationships. As she says:
“Good relationships are so crucial for our emotional and mental health. An old Jewish proverb wisely states, ‘Sticks in a bundle are not easily broken, sticks alone can be broken by a child.’ We all need loving connection, but for many individuals instead of love and safety, they experience abuse.”
These articles approach physical violence in different ways. We believe you will find the information to be insightful as she poses questions, and then gives her responses. This first blog gives you scriptural references to read and then prayerfully consider as you look at:
• A BIBLICAL RESPONSE TO DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
And then this next blog, written by Leslie Vernick, is a bit different. In it, she shares the advice, which was given to her by a former abuser on this matter of how to respond to physical abuse.
In this article Edmund Burke’s statement is highlighted, “All that is necessary for evil to triumph is that good men (or women) do nothing.” This is something to prayerfully consider. After reading this article and the others, what would God have you do?
Again, please pray, read, glean, and use what you believe God would have you pertaining to:
• AN ABUSERS RESPONSE TO DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
Filed under: Abuse in Marriage
Hello I’m 23 yrs old. I’ve been with my husband for 5 yrs. We have a soon to be 3 yr old. He’s an alcohoic and is trying to sober up for the past month. We moved out of state for a different life style. My family is here but he has no one here. Little did I know I was setting myself up for a big mess. He got us kicked out of my family home the first month. We’re here due to his alcoholism.
I knew he was an alcoholic but I wanted to save him so bad. We’ve known each other for yrs and then fell off and somehow we just reconnected. He was homeless and I saw hope in him. I saw that he had potential to change, not realizing what I was getting myself into. Everyone begged me to not be with him as I was only 17/18 but I was young and wanted to be free. I don’t even know where to start.
I can start by saying that I’m so scared. Everyday I wake up in fear not knowing what mood he’ll be in or what will set him off. He’s a very angry person and gets aggravated very quickly. He controls me everything I do. I’m not allowed to have friends, I’m not allowed to be on the Internet without his supervision, and I can’t speak to my sisters or brothers. He wants me isolated from the world. For years I put up with it. I’m not much of a drinker so I would end up having to babysit him making sure he doesn’t fall or choke on his own vomit holding him up as he urinates everywhere, cleaning up after him. Then he treats me like trash calls me horrible names.
He’s beat me so many times, punches me till he gets tired. He once beat me at 6 months pregnant in the bath tub of our studio apartment. He would kick me out so he could watch porn for hours as I sat outside begging him for food or the restroom. I remember one specific time when I was driving on the highway still pregnant, he punched me becuse I told my cousin we fought sometimes. He said to tell her this. The next day I woke up with a swollen eye and he still kicked me out of the house. I sat outside with my head down praying that no one would ask me what happen. Things never got better.
He drank vodka for 6 yrs straight, woke up and drank all day, fell asleep drunk. There were times when it was so cold and snowing and he would make me get up at 8 am just to stand outside and beg for change so I can get him his drink or I couldnt come back in. Night and day, when this would go on. I know he’s cheated on me but he’ll never admit to it. He’ll just yell and turn it on me. He’d text and flirt in front of me, behind my back in a party of friends where I’m sitting there. People knew what he had going on the side. I felt like such a fool.
There would be days of him not coming home. I’d just tell myself he’s a young boy. I’d make excuses for him thinking he’s only 21, he’s feeling overwhelmed. I thought he’d get out it out of his system before the baby comes, but things didn’t change; they got worse. The day my water broke he was already drunk. It was 7 am and he refused to take me to the hospital until he had a drink and a smoke. After the baby was born I was home everyday alone, did all the work, and still had to go by his rules that meant cooking, cleaning, running his errands, and doing whatever it took to get him alcohol. It was horrible.
2 weeks after the baby we got into an argument because I brought up him coming home late and drinking all day. He threw me down, hit and chocked me, then locked me out with no shoes, and held the baby inside. He was drunk. I begged and cried until I had to call my family. I thought after that I was done. 3 weeks later I was back. I knew it wasn’t right but I was so stuck on the fact that I wanted a family. Things never got better. I can’t count how many times I’ve called my family to pick me up. They got so fed up they just kind of gave up. It’s shamful knowing that they know what really goes on and I let it happen.
We moved into a new place farther from my family. I had no car, no job, so I was dependent on him. That winter I remember he was so drunk he was playing his video games, he kept losing and started punching the xbox, then turns around and yells fix this. I looked in shock. I didn’t know what to do. There was nothing I can possibly do after all he threw it at the wall. It was pretty much broke so he tells me to get out. There was a snowstorm, I had no phone (cus I wasn’t allowed), or shoes. Somehow I managed to get into his car and sat there as I thought of what I could do. He looks out the window and sees me in the car; my heart drops. I get out and I start to run for my life screaming for help, but no one came out. It was 1 a.m. He chased me, and slammed me to the ground and says you think I’m playing b—-? I was terrified. My baby was in her room alone. All I wanted to do was be with her. He finally fell asleep. I snuck in through a hole in the basement.
The next morning he woke up like nothing was wrong asking me to pleasure him. Of course I gave in because I didnt want to fight. That Christmas he insisted that I marry him or he would leave. Life was so miserable. Everyday I would wake up unhappy. Every job I’ve had he seems to ruin. I felt horrible leaving my daughter with him cus I knew he’d be drunk all day and pass out at anytime. There would be times when I’d get home and he’d be passed out with the door wide open and the baby upstairs alone. He’d never hurt her; he loves her, and she loves him. He says he works so hard and does everything for us but I feel like it’s more for him. f
On my daughter’s 1st birthday he broke my nose as I sat in her room, just because I told him he should relax. He punched me 3 times. The baby cried, so he dragged me out. I realized there was so much blood and snapped my nose back. He showed no remourse or pity. He made me drive myself. I told the nurse I got hit at a softball game. Weeks passed. I hid in his home hoping no one would come over. He made up with me by laying next to me. I hated him. I wanted nothing to do with him but I had no where to go so once again I let him in.
A couple months later he beat me and locked himself in his room with my baby (he was drunk). His friends had to come help me. They know what’s going on, I’m sure. They just don’t say anything. Everyone always says you’re such a great wife, you’re so good to him, but why doesn’t he see me in that way? Months went by, more fights, more beatings, no cops, no help. I just had to heal on my own in my room dying of guilt knowing it wasn’t right. I don’t deserve this. I’m 22 yrs old. But still, I stay. I tell myself it’s gonna be ok but I know it’s not.
He asked me to stay off of facebook, which is horrible because that’s the only way I can connect with my family back home. I never add random people or flirt with guys, just family, and old school friends. So I hid it from him. I told him I deleted it but I didn’t. I just found out I’m 7 weeks pregnant and I don’t know whether to be happy or sad. Tonight we were supposed to go out to an mms fight. I didnt have anyone to watch our daughter. I know he really didn’t want to bring her with us so I got on fb and tried to get ahold of my little cousins to watch her. For some weird reason he asked me for my phone. I must’ve forgot to log out cus the next thing I know he’s yelling. I instantly felt pale and dizzy. He caught me but there was nothing suspicious or wrong on there just the point that I didn’t delete it was the setting point.
He threw the phone at me and starts pounding on me. I passed out twice, just remember being on the floor holding my stomach hoping it will be over soon. My daughter walks out of her room yelling to stop as he’s kicking and kneeing me. I felt my nose pop. He then kicks me out with no shoes, no car, no money. I begged him to let me back in please. I’m sorry, I’ll delete it, begging him to look through it cus I know I’m not guilty of anything but he continues to yell and threatened to beat me with a bat. He says I should just kill you. I’m crying on the floor praying this is not it; please don’t let this be it.
This is him sober. He has been sober all month, but I’m sure he went out to drink cus it is now 2:39 am and I’m laying on the couch with my shoes and sweater on in case he comes in and kicks me out. I don’t know what to do. I love him and I know he’s a good man but the abuse is so much. I’m scared to leave because I have no where to go. I just lost my job and I just told my family I’m pregnant. I’m ashamed. I can’t go there with black eyes and brusies all over. I love him and wish things were different. I know it’s too late for things to change. I just know that I need to get out before it gets worse. I feel bad that I put my baby through this. I know she’s older and knows more.
I’m scarrd to sleep cus the pain is unbearable. My head is killing me. I’m scared to close my eyes and he’ll walk in and drag me out or throw water at me. Anything could happen and all I can do is hope for the best. I’m glad I can let this out. I’ve been hiding this for years and it’s much worse than this. I’m scared and hope that God will guide and help me pull through or help him realize what he is doing is wrong.
I’m 17 years old and have been married for only 3 months. Shortly after our wedding we began arguing but today he got physical before he left for work 3 hours ago. I simply asked why he was leaving so early. He began raising his voice so I tried to go into the bathroom but he followed and began yelling again so I quickly went to another room. Of course he followed me there too, but instead of yelling he lunged for my throat. I did the best I could to block him so he grabbed my arms instead and began squeezing until I cried out for him to stop that he was hurting me.
He told me it was my fault because I questioned him and walked away. I don’t know what to do. Is this going to get worse or not?
Dear Destiny, There is no telling at this point if things will progress and get worse. I’d say probably, especially if he isn’t sorry about this and is blaming you. You aren’t to blame because he couldn’t control his impulse to hurt you. He may have been mad, but that doesn’t give him a license to put his hands on you.
You need to be careful. Read as many articles as you can on abuse, posted on this web site and others we link to, so you can best protect yourself. Also, you’re going to need to talk about this together, at a time when it isn’t a H.A.L.T. time. That would be a time when neither of you is Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. Those are volatile times. If he doesn’t want to talk, and isn’t sorry, then that’s a disturbing thing. Please be careful. Do what you can to protect yourself and to learn how to handle conflict matters in ways that are mature and helpful to the relationship. You may need to get help.
I’m 17 years old… My boyfriend is 18. We’ve been together for a year now…. He was so sweet and his family is so nice. I don’t understand where his anger comes from honestly … He started off with just shoving me lightly. Started grabbing my wrists. He claims he hurts me because I just don’t listen or I get mad over the littlest things…. He puts his hand over my throat, sometimes both, and doesn’t press down unless I try pushing his hands away. He pulled my hair and bent my wrist and slapped my face lightly because I walked away. If I get upset about anything even if it’s little he squeezes my hand or pulls my hoodie to where it chokes me and tells me to stop. He has never hit my face with a fist of real anger. Do you think it will get worse over time? If you have more questions about what other things he does feel free to ask… I’m just a teenager, and I love him dearly but I’m scared….
Oh, Klareis. We are so glad you reached out to us because if no one else has warned you let us WARN YOU – this young man has serious issues that need to be dealt with professionally. His anger will not get better on it’s own and if he is acting out like this now, we fear for your safety. We know it will be difficult, but you need to end this relationship now and we hope your parents are “safe” to talk to about this, because they need to know as they may need to take steps to protect you. This young man has already acted in a way that could result in him being arrested and if I was your father, I would want to know what’s been happening so I could protect you. If you aren’t convinced yet, here’s the link to another article on our web site called, WARNING: Escape Abuse BEFORE Marriage (http://host.agencysrvr.com/~marriage/warning-escape-abuse-before-marriage/). So, Klareis, please heed this warning and distance yourself from this man NOW!
I just broke up with my newborn babys father. When I told him I was pregnant he denied it and said it was not his baby. I had to beg him to stay with me and to not leave me alone because I didn’t want to be a single mother. He finally said yes and I moved in with him.
When I lived with him he used to treat me like crap. Some days we wouldn’t talk at all. I would ask him something and he would ignore me. He never wanted me around him. We didn’t have sex not even once. I was so unhappy I moved out and went back to my parents house after 2 months of being miserable.
We started talking again a few weeks after I moved out and he convinced me to move back in with him because he was going to “try” to change. A few days after I moved back in with him, he chocked me because he said my unborn baby wasn’t his and kept denying him. I agreed with him and told him it’s not yours if that’s what you want to hear. As soon as I said that he got up and threw me out the door and started choking me. I didn’t do anything about it. I was 7 months pregnant and felt like I needed him to be by my side at that point. I forgave him and we didn’t fight after that.
I had my baby on February 21st. On february 28 he chocked me again and threw me to the ground. I called the cops that time and they took him in. Its been a week and he hasn’t called me or texted me and I don’t know what to do. It hurts me so much that my baby’s gonna be raised without his father but I don’t know what’s going through his head. Does he love me? Is he going to come back to me? Does he regret doing what he did to me?
I need some advice. I didn’t press charges on him for chocking me because I still have hope that he’s gonna change and we’re getting back together. I don’t know if I should put him on child support because I still want to get back with him. Can somebody give me some advice please? I’m lost. I don’t know what to do.
Maritza, I’m so sorry that you find yourself pregnant and in such a difficult spot. I really am. Having a baby should be a time of joy. But sadly, you apparently don’t have a father for your child that wants to commit to you or to this baby. You ask what to do… I believe you know what you need to do; it’s just that you don’t want to do it. I wish I could say different, but that’s what I see. It’s understandable that you want things to be different, but this is a time where you need to grow up to the fact that this baby needs at least one parent to look after his or her best interest. Having a father who chokes his or her mother –treating her like “crap” is NOT the type of role model that I would want for my child. It’s also not the type of home I would want to raise my child in. It’s better to have a missing parent than one who is so very toxic, and dangerous to both of you physically and emotionally.
You say that you “don’t know what’s going through his head” in referring to the baby’s father. But that same question can be turned around. What’s going on in your head to think that he’ll be a good father, or husband, or partner for you? Usually abuse ramps up with time. There are many ways in which you and this baby could be put into danger if you stay with him. To think that he will “love” you as you want him to, when he tried to choke you when you’re pregnant with his child, is putting yourself in the place of being disconnected with reality. It’s Cinderella –fairy tale thinking.
That’s okay when you’re a child yourself, but the reality is that you stepped into the adult world when you got pregnant. This is a time to dump the fairy tale stuff, and step up into the real world of figuring out how you’ll make a better life for you and this child than you could ever have with this guy (which wouldn’t appear to take much because of his irresponsible and dangerous behaviors). Please put your dreams into reality and figure out how to raise this child in a healthy way. If you go to a Pregnancy Crisis Center in your area, they have counselors on staff who can help you put your life into a better direction. Please turn your attention away from this guy, who will only hurt your further, and please turn your eyes upon the Lord and upon good people to help you do the right thing, the best thing for you and this precious life inside of you. I hope and pray you will.
I am so frustrated right now. I have done all I can to get him to stop using pharmaceutical mess (pain pills). We both have great careers, a nice home, and beautiful children. He has lost the ability to see his son due to his drug usage. We spent a ton of his parents money to send him to rehab. He has beat me until my foot was broken, I had bruised ribs, a black eye, a chipped tooth, a sprained neck, and a sprained wrist. He constantly lies.
Any time I try to save his life he finds a new way to hide his addiction to pain medication. He works offshore and gets high at work. He has alienated me from my friends, family, and belittles me to the point that I don’t ever leave the house. I don’t even leave when he is gone for a month. He spends all of our money on drugs and alcohol.
I know I have to leave soon but he has used all my savings and I’m terrified to be alone. I cannot tell you why a smart, pretty woman like myself would logically try so hard, but I do. Even though he hits me, verbally abuses me… I still stay. I’m so afraid to lose him because he might die.
Me and my sweet daughter go without everyday because even with our excellent salaries he eats up almost all of our money and I’m not allowed to have any. I don’t want pity, I just want God to grant me peace and the strength. This last beating hurt me so bad emotionally. I am literally so broken inside I just sat down in the middle of the floor and didn’t fight back. My daughter was not home and I just let him hit me. In some way I just felt like there was not much more I could do.
If I put him in jail again my family will lose our finances. Unlike abusers that I’ve read about he does nothing to repair the pain. He goes on about his day and acts like the violence never happened. I wish he loved me enough to just see how it breaks my heart for him to abuse me physically or verbally. I just wish God would help him to please stop before he really goes too far. I am no longer afraid of the physical pain. I’m truly just so hurt that he could care so little for my well being.
Dear Bec, read your post and I’m hurting for you. Please call the closest center for abused women that is near you and have them help and protect you. You and your child are at risk. What I’m reading is that you’re IMHO becoming complacent with your situation, you know that you should leave but are in fear of the future.
I don’t know where you live and I don’t know your circumstances but you must know in your heart that he’s wrong and should not be allowed to treat his family in that way. Just imagine what would happen to your daughter if he killed you in his rage. Please leave your toxic environment. Centers for abused women and families can help and protect you.
Last night my husband got irritated with me because I was irritated with my daughter’s whining. I was huffing under my breath and he got angry. He said I’m always on my phone, which isn’t true. He’s on his IG every time he gets home. I work off my laptop and yes, I need to manage my time.
Anyway I’ve been stressed out and need a break from my daughter. I love her to death but I haven’t had a moment to myself since she was born. I have family who literally live 5 minutes away who don’t even ask if I need a break. I’ve always been there for them and their kids and no one seems to care. I’m a stay at home mom and my daughter is almost two and I think the terrible 2 is already here.
My husband gets to go to the gym and I don’t get to do anything. I don’t even get to go cut my hair at the salon any more but he does. I feel I’m the most terrible mom in the world and he verbally abuses me. Last night he threw me on the bed after I tried to stop him from breaking the laptop I got as a loaner from my brother. He then kicked me hard under my coccyx bone. That’s the first time he ever did that I’m scared and have been crying all day. I’m not sure what to do. He then broke my daughters crib and toys. Any advice???
I can’t believe he kicked me! He has been hot headed since I met him. We’ve been separated and I thought he changed. Now that I have a daughter I feel trapped lost and confused.
Dear NeedAdvice, I’m not sure of all of the details of what went on, because I’m only reading one side of this scenario (but I really don’t need to know the details). It’s not difficult to see that toxic behavior is going on when frustrations are “voiced” (whether they are voiced in healthy ways or not). Verbal abuse, physical abuse, and such are NEVER called for, and are wrong, NO MATTER how frustrated one or the other of you happens to be, concerning the situation at hand. These methods of handling frustrations are never, ever appropriate.
With that said (and established) though, whining, playing the blame game, finger-pointing, and the like, are also not mature ways to handle the issues before you. They aren’t AS bad, but they’re still not appropriate to use to approach matters. It’s obvious that both of you are frustrated. And it’s obvious that both of you are doing things that you shouldn’t. What’s most concerning is that these types of behaviors, once they are acted out, can often start ramping up –getting worse each time. THAT needs to be nipped, before they do so.
You BOTH need to talk to each other about your frustrations in less toxic ways. You can do this, but it will take intentionality, the right timing to do it in, and concerted effort made to approach these types of matters in mature ways. You and your husband aren’t kids, so you can do this. You just have to purpose to do this. You have to act more like marriage partners, than like frustrated children that act out your impulses. We have a lot of Communication Tools available to help you, posted on this web site. Please take advantage of what we make available. Go to the Communication Tools topic and see what will work for you. Don’t just keep going on, acting like children… especially in front of a child.
This 2-year old needs her mom and dad to find better ways to work through situations like this. She also needs better role modeling. If your husband won’t do his part (which he may, if he is approached respectfully and at the right time, with the right motives), then you need to at least do your part.
As for the underlying situation, it seems that you need a “break” in some way, so you can better approach your daughter, when she acts like a young child. 2-year olds are known for being unreasonable. But that doesn’t mean that we have to resort to being unreasonable. Perhaps being home full time won’t work for you. Perhaps you need to find a part time, or even a full time job outside of the home, so you have an outside outlet. My mom had NO patience when she was home all the time. She NEEDED at least a part-time job so she could better handle us 4 kids. Some people do. Others don’t. You just have to figure out what will work best for your 2-year old, for you, for your spouse, and your home life together.
And/or maybe you need to switch out baby-sitting with someone, where you watch their child sometimes so they can have some private time, and they watch yours. Be resourceful. Also, computers, and the like –that, which can be used for social media, need to handled better. If we spend too much time using these as outlets, they can eat up our time and energy that might better be invested elsewhere. Yes, it can be enjoyable, but when it it’s overdone, it’s a “fun” that is destructive, and needs to be handled better. You know that… I sense it in your comment that you realize it. So, do something about it. Figure out boundaries for yourself and invest more time in your marriage, and home life with your daughter. This isn’t fun advice to give, nor to receive, but I’m hoping you will see the wisdom in what I’m trying to tell you. I care about you, your daughter, your husband, and your home life together. I hope you will receive what I’m saying here in the spirit it’s given… with care, and Christian compassion. I pray things go better for you as you do what you learn and you know you should do.
Good Day… I’m also in an abusive relationship. I need help. Family and friends have told me so many times to leave him but it’s so hard because after everything he did, I still love him…I think. I pray everyday for me to get fed up so I could leave. We broke up for 3 years and came back thinking his changed! What hurts the most is that I’m the only woman that gets all his mess! But he says he loves me!!!
I know what you mean. My husband does the same and I have a son that’s 8 months
I know you might think your spouse would never do these, and that he is a drug free man. But check for any drugs or alcohol that have been hidden from you or your kids. This might be the start of addiction if you have found drugs or alcohol.
The next time he starts being erratic, tell a friend that might be able to help.
Last night my children were all asleep in my bedroom and I asked if my husband would go to other bedroom because he kept on making derogatory and foul comments; getting louder he decided to kick me off of my bed while my three kids were in the middle. 2 minutes later another kick off the bed. I begged him to please leave the house so he can cool off of whatever he was on (meaning drug wise – not sure if he was still using) My son woke up and I had let him know to come sleep with me in his room as I was walking with my son out the room he grabbed my wrist and restrained me down to get my phone and that’s when my 7 year old son got in and started to hit his dad in an outrage. This all happened about an hour ago. My husband left after all that happened. Can someone please help explain to my son what he just saw?
Riba, I am so sorry you are going through this. Please pray and ask God to guide you. There’s no easy explanation for your husband’s actions. Protect your children. May God bless you, I will be praying for you and your children.
My husband keeps shoving me and slapping me. I asked him to let me go, but he won’t. I’m scared to tell my parents because I think he will kill me if I try to leave. I’m scared to call police. His family lives nearby but because the fights start due to his parents complaints about me I’m scared to involve them either. My husband is 1 foot taller than me, if not more. I’m barely 45kg while he is close to 70kg. So when he pushes me I always get injured. He says I scratch him but it’s in self defense when he tries to choke me. My parents and family live overseas and nobody has a clue that he can be such a monster. How so how do I save myself? Can somebody help?
Oh my God honey! Run! Run as fast as you can!
You need to leave. It is hard but he will kill you if you dont leave. A real man would never put his hands on a woman. Ever. For any reason. I’ve gotten mad at my husband and he has NEVER LAID A HAND ON ME. LEAVE NOW. U deserve better.
Badhon, You are receiving advice from different compassionate people to leave your husband. And I agree with their compassion. I love their hearts, and I care deeply for you and your safety, but be careful. What your husband is doing is absolutely wrong and your life may very well be in danger if you stay. But I want to caution you not to leave without thinking and praying through the whole thing. Make sure you have a plan of safety whether you are to leave or stay. Please read through the “Abuse in Marriage” articles and glean from them (and the ministries we link to) to find a plan that would work for you to best protect yourself. Here’s just one (there are others you should read, as well): https://marriagemissions.com/developing-a-safety-plan/.
If you’re scared he will kill you if you leave, then be very prayerfully cautious in (quickly as you can) putting a plan together. Leaving without a plan may put your life in worse jeopardy. Pray, read, and figure out what will work best for your safety. Pray, quickly educate yourself, and see what you and God come up with to best protect yourself.
Also, please tell your parents and family somehow without your husband knowing about it. Isolation and control is one of the many abusive behaviors that abusers use to protect their horrible behavior. They don’t want to answer to anyone –almost as if they’re above accountability. But be careful of contacting anyone via email. Here’s an article to read that may help you: https://marriagemissions.com/safety-on-the-internet-for-abuse-victims/. I pray this helps. I pray (along with others) that you are able to find hope, safety, and freedom from harm –physically and emotionally. May God help you!
I’ve been married to my husband a little over year now. We married each other after 3.5 months. We both felt we were old enough and had enough life experience to know what we wanted in life; being married was now apart of the plan. He has 2 children who live out of state, he isn’t very close to them, he had a career in the military, which left little time for a family and after 10 years they divorced (she had an affair and now is married to the gentleman). He recently retired from the military and was medically discharged due to PTSD and major depressive disorder. He was hospitalized a few years ago due to his mental illnesses.
When I met him, he was getting help and had completed his stay at the hospital and the program. He was also in multiple therapy programs and on medication. When I raised my concerns about his mental health, he minimized them, reassuring me he was through the worst of his depression and his life was now turning around, he also said that getting out of the military was best for him and I agreed and believed him. There were many red flags in the beginning of our relationship (there were other women he remained in contact with after we married and he gave me his ex-fiancé’s engagement ring and married me with it; unbeknownst to me). We worked through those issues. He always seems sincere and helpless when he makes mistakes, it’s hard not to feel sorry for him and want to forgive him.
The abuse has been going on for almost a year now and has only gotten worse and more violent. Today he choked me, I nearly lost consciousness, he threatened to kill me and my kids and himself. I begged him to stop and he did. He left the house and called shortly after to apologize. I told him he needs to get help immediately and asked him to admit himself into the hospital, that I can’t have him here in our home. He cried and agreed to go to the VA hospital. I don’t know what to do now. I have a bruise around the front of my throat. I love him and believe he can get better. But I know he isn’t healthy and may never be stable. Should I leave him?
All I can say is that you both need sincere help before it looks like it would be safe to continue living together as husband and wife. 3.5 months, ESPECIALLY with his issues is not enough time to work through the things you needed to know, to live together as husband and wife in a healthy way. Do the hard work now, before you consider reconciliation, and see where it goes from there.
You need a good counselor who knows his or her stuff about Post Traumatic Stress issues, violent, abusive behavior, AND is a good marriage counselor (not every good counselor is a good marriage counselor). Abusers can be charming, and also often know how to work the system. Be aware of that. I recommend that you contact the ministry of Focus on the Family at Focusonthefamily.com. They have counselors on staff who can help you get started in the right direction. Don’t short-change this process. This will take time, intentionality, and cooperation on both of your parts to work through your issues. Apologizing isn’t enough… true repentance that is backed up with long-term actions before you even THINK about reconciling is important. Your life was spared this time, but this type of behavior, unless properly dealt with will often ramp up. Your life and the lives of your family could pay a HIGH price, if you don’t get the help that is needed. I hope you will.
Your husband CAN change, but it will be very, very difficult, and very, very complicated. I hope he and you are committed to doing what it takes to get him to that better place. This will be a very difficult journey, to say the least, but a very important and noble one, if it is accomplished.
Cindy, I really appreciate the reply. I agree with everything you wrote. I really feel like I have no one to talk to about what’s happening. I’m afraid to talk to my family or friends for fear of judgement.
As of now my husband has been admitted and is being held on 5150 for up to 72 hours. I don’t know any details; he text to tell me which hospital he was at and which one he’s being transported to. I believe, according to Internet research, when a person is held on a 5150 they’re not allowed contact with anyone for the first 24 hrs.
My kids have no idea what’s going on, and when they asked where my husband was I said he had a meeting out of town and won’t be back for the night. I feel crazy. I feel like it’s my fault, I got him angry because I was upset with lack of communication and it wasn’t even a big deal. But I was upset and when I mentioned how I felt he blew up and got violent. He said I was a nag and other disdainful words. If I just didn’t get upset this wouldn’t have happened… I feel like it’s my fault.
I will look into Focus on the Family for resources. Please keep me in your prayers. I feel terrible. Absolutely terrible. I am intelligent enough to know it’s abuse, but feel completely helpless.
I feel like I’m not sure if I’m committed to getting him better. I have a mentally handicapped daughter who is violent and the emotional toll it takes on me to juggle both is incredibly taxing. I feel abused by both my daughter and my husband. I feel like “what about me?” Am I suppose to sacrifice my wellbeing and happinesss for my husband? I feel like he’s going to always need help and I will be his caretaker, leaving me emotionally, spiritually and psychologically exhausted, depleted and empty. I feel betrayed by him, that he didn’t have the will power enough to not hurt me. I feel abandoned by him. Am I suppose to sacrifice myself for my husband? I have forgiven him countless times over the abuse.
I ‘m sorry. I’m only rambling. Thank you again for taking the time to respond. Sincerely thank you!
Sandra, I can’t even begin to tell you how much my heart goes out to you. Here you thought you were marrying the dream love of your life, and a nightmare appears, instead. There is little advice I can give to you… except to encourage you not to look beyond what is in front of you today. Take one step at a time… don’t look ahead, thinking of the possible sacrifices that may or may not need to be made.
When you contact the ministry of Focus on the Family, go into the “Get Help” section, and then the “Contact a Counselor” part of it. They have counselors on staff, who can help you figure out where to get the help you need. Try not to be quick to dump out of your marriage. Make the effort to talk to a good counselor to unpack all of this, and figure out what you should do from there. You may be surprised, as you pray, what you are capable of doing, and what you should and shouldn’t do. I can’t tell you what to do… but I can tell you to not make fast decisions. You did that once before… don’t repeat the same mistake.
Read through the articles we have posted in the “Abuse in Marriage” topic to better keep yourself safe, work with a counselor to help you figure out what you are to do today, and then take one day, one step at a time. Eventually, you will most likely need to tell your family, but a counselor help to guide you as to the timing and the verbiage you should use to do so. I pray the Lord gives you wisdom to keep yourself safe and to know what you should do today, and then the next day, and eventually beyond… I pray help for you when you need it, and the courage and strength to do what you need to do for you and your marriage.
I wanted to provide an update. My husband is still at the mental facility he was admitted to. I’m really glad he’s getting help. I called Focus on the Family and spoke with a counselor on staff, she was VERY helpful and provided a lot of information; treatment centers, therapist etc. all local and in my area. I looked into individual counseling for domestic violence for myself and have been placed on a wait list and should hear back around this time next week.
I’ve been in contact with the hospital my husband was admitted to and shared with his social worker the details of what happened on Tuesday and my concerns. He is scheduled to be released as early as tomorrow but has voluntarily agreed to stay until Monday. I can’t say I was pleased with the call, she seemed very impersonal. I’ve spoke to him once since we was admitted and he was very worried and scared. Yesterday I missed his call and he sounded much better and stronger, my only problem was he had no concern for me or how I was doing or how I was holding up. It was all about him and his progress.
My plan is for him and for myself to get treatment and not live together until things improve. There needs to be “long term action on his part before I can begin to think about reconciliation”.
I hope these comments inspire others to seek help. One phone call to any crisis center, better yet, Focus on the Family counseling staff, can make all the difference and will empower you. Furthermore once you treat yourself like you matter, then you will start to matter. I’m grateful this website existed during this time of my life. Cindy, I reread what you wrote over and over again the day after I posted, reminding myself not to look to far ahead. Everything you said became my salvation and made me feel like I could do it. Thank you for your prayers.
Oh Sandra, I’m so glad you’re in a better place emotionally. You have a long, hard road ahead of you, yet I’m so glad that you aren’t focusing on the length of that road, but rather upon what you can do today –each step at a time, which can get you to a better place. It’s like what they say, “How do you eat an elephant? One bit at a time.” This is a “one bite at a time” situation. I applaud you that you have taken such brave steps to get yourself onto better footing for now, and in the future. I truly believe that one day you will look back and will say, “Wow! I can’t believe how far I’ve come and how much more strength I’ve had to get here, than I ever thought possible!”
I want you to know that I’m praying for your husband too. He needs extreme help also. No matter what the future is for you and for him, you both need prayers and to grab the strength and resources He can supply to plug into and use the help you can get. Please keep us posted on what you’re learning on this journey. You may take many steps forward, and then one or a few back, and then forward again (because this is all a new learning thing for you), but the important thing is that even if you fall for a time –that you pick yourself up and keep looking at the next healthy step you can take… falling forward is better than living backward, anytime. I pray for you and care about you. I’m sure that many, many others who read through this web site do, as well.
My husband gets easily angered at little things and this didn’t happen till after our marriage. About a month after marriage he chokes me and he threatened to kill me if I leave or threatens to punch me in the face if I try and stand up instead of sitting down. I’m scared and I want out. His mother even has threatened me if I call the police on her son; she tells me its ok if a couple fight and a woman gets put in her place. I’m so scared hes gonna kill me and I want out. Please, I need advice on getting out without being killed in the process.
I’m 47 years old and I’ve been married to my husband for 14 years. I left my friends and family in the US and moved to Switzerland for him with my son who was 7 at the time. My daughter was born in 2003. My husband has a Jekyll & Hyde personality. Any little stress trigger can set him off and I never know what it is. He choked me once because I didn’t react properly to a situation (his friend was mad at him and threatening to sue him). I had my first day of work that day at a new job and was exhausted and didn’t call his friend an a…hole like my husband wanted. That was 7 years ago.
Since then he’s pushed me and come at me with his fists and frying pans and threatened to kill me but hasn’t actually touched me. I moved out at one point and he finally agreed to go to a marriage counselor. He wouldn’t let me tell the counselor about his physical abuse but the counselor could tell he had an anger issue and insisted on seeing him only.
At one point, the counselor wanted to see us together and my husband freaked out on me in front of the counselor. The counselor told him he was out of line and had a problem but my husband refused to go after that. That was the only time he let any other adult see this side of him. He’s actually sickenly nice to the neighbors and his aquaintences (he doesn’t have any close friends). He’s also had an affair (I found out because he sent an email from one of our business accounts with porn attached telling her he wanted to do that with her). He’s threatened to go to prostitutes if I don’t have sex more often with him. He’s addicted to porn and watches it every day. He refuses to work because he can’t handle the stress. The list just goes on and on….
I’ve wanted to leave him for a long time but I don’t want to upset my daughter. I feel that if I stay in Switzerland he’ll either make my life very hard or even try to kill me (like he’s threatened to do many times before). It would be easiest for me to cut all ties and move back to the US with my son but I can’t leave my daughter and I feel this will cause her emotional pain for her whole life. I’m mentally ready to leave and have the financial resources I just don’t know what to do about my daughter. She’s 12 and a dual citizen.
Does anybody have any good suggestions? I’ve wracked my brain for several years over this and any input would be appreciated.
I just woke up at night to see if my husband was fine. I slept at 9 while putting my son to bed. I woke up around 12. I couldn’t locate husband in bed, so I got up to check. My husband was talking to some one on phone. He always calls someone or other after getting drunk late at night around 11-12 and keeps talking till 2 – 3 in the morning. He also has history of talking about his love and asking for sex on calls. These ladies or guys he calls are generally family, friends or some one known.
I asked him to stop talking as it was very late in the night. Just for curiosity I checked his cell for messages. There was a message from his ex girlfriend– that’s what he says. I saw it and just ignored it. He took away the cell from me and deleted the message. I was shocked! If he has nothing going on like affair, why did he delete the message? I asked him why did he delete the message. This offended him. He tore away his clothes and mine. He held my arms strongly. I got bruises all over my hands. He accused me of not trusting him and thinking him as a Casanova…I suppose he is. Then started a whole list of abuse towards me and my family.
I have a sister-in-law married for past 2 years to brother-in-law. Well, according to everyone, she is very pretty. Yes she is very fair. But I wont call her beautiful. She has a nice body shape. Brother-in-law just drools over her. And so she is an apple of eye for all. She stays on same floor as in laws. My husband started accusing me of not taking care of his parents. He too praised sister-in-law and his parents. But along with it he kept on abusing me and my parents.
Why am I being shamed?? It hurts badly. Just because her husband is supportive she is treated like a queen and loved by all. Just because my husband hates me i am ridiculed always. I tried every thing to win heart of in laws but they just treated me as slaves. Just because my husband fails to value me. After fighting with me, he woke up my sleeping son. And started poisoning his mind against me. It was 1 at night and husband disturbed the sleep of my son. What shall I doooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo? I am so very fed up.
Me and my husband got into a stupid argument, I was still upset at him using profanity and calling me other demeaning names because I constantly tell him what he needs to do to help otherwise he won’t do it. We have two sons. my oldest is one and my youngest is 2 months old, he will forget to change diapers and does not help me clean. He works 4 hrs a day 5 times a week so he has more than enough time and energy to help me but he doesn’t and I constantly ask and remind him of his responsibilities; and I’m tired of it.
I told him I don’t like to argue over stupid things and having to repeat myself every day gives me headaches, heartache, and stresses me because it feels like he doesn’t care. I told him not to display violence around our boys. My youngest was crying and I was getting mad at my husband because he hadn’t righted his wrong from earlier and he slammed the bedroom door while I was talking and scared our youngest. I got mad and went at him to slap his face. I know that was wrong but he was just being such a jerk. Well he grabbed me and started wrenching me around like I had a weapon or something. I don’t know what he was thinking, but he was squeezing my wrist and he threw me to the ground and choked me.
I let my body go weak so he’d stop. He yelled at me “you done yet, you done yet” like I was going to hurt him and I just stared at him. He got off me and I told him never to touch me again. My neck was stinging, and my wrist was throbbing; he took off saying he was going to divorce me, I just ignored him and picked up my crying baby and calmed him. My 1 yr old woke from his nap and I waited for him to come back, he came back and didn’t say anything. No worries. No “I was wrong. No nothing. I feel like crap.
I am married and a mother to a toddler. My husband is a practical logical thinker, nearly perfectionist, professional, planned, great caring father. Often when there is a fight or argument he wins as he has a valid point. He humiliates me to being worse when I show attitude, am careless, laid back, wasting money, not action oriented, not caring concerned enough for our kid and not able to take decisions. When I feel “good for nothing” and blame him for it he says it’s my defense mechanism to run from things.
I often seek his approval to do things. When there is a problem he keeps talking and I go silent, this makes him furious and he gets into low level talking to make me talk, he insists on discussions which I often fail to do, also I don’t take criticism too well, which he thinks I should accept with open arms and learn and grow. According to him I am not a good mother, wife, working professional and homemaker
Last week, he came drunk (he has been coming drunk very often and I get angry with it, also have a silent concern for his health) and we had to go out of station next day. Packing was pending, as with toddler it’s a struggle. One of his friend’s wife told me my husband stays late at office and fools me, it was all in humor. I got angry with his drunkard behavior and said to him that his friend says he stays longer in office, not for work but otherwise. My husband got super furious, he coudn’t take my words and started bad mouthing about his friend how unprofessional that guy is and that he cant be compared to him.
To vent out his anger he started hitting me. I pleaded with him not to hit in front of our kid. He continued and by mistake hit the kid also. I got furious and asked him to get out of the house, he dragged me out of the house, and that point I broke down for my kid and begged him to leave me. I was scared. I had a little breathlessness attack, which my husband panicked and called a neighbor, I was fine little later with putting my head under cold water, we didn’t tell anything to the neighbor.
Next day early morning I threatened my husband to leave him, he begged for apology and cried too (he is a tough guy who never cries even in worst situations). I didn’t forgive him and we left for our trip (to see my newly born niece in other city). We remained cold to each other, slowly in matters concerning our kid he started talking only to the point, correcting me, telling me what to do for her. All this while my mind was and is shut down, I was trying to control my emotions and didn’t want to tell my family about it, as I promised him I won’t tell anyone to spare myself and our kid from any further bashings. We have come back home yesterday and because of kid and matters of house we have to talk, and I don’t feel like. I do want to live separately from him but can’t. He is getting back on track the usual him telling me what to do and what not to do regarding kid and home matters.
I wrote to him that whatever has happened would never make things normal between him and me and that I will now on fake our marriage for the sake of our kid and society. He replied saying it was always fake so no pretension is required. I just feel I didn’t deserve what happened and have lost my ability to think what I should think right now. And he already making me feel I am the reason for whatever happened (he didn’t say it I feel it). I just need a view to put things into perspective. Please help.
Hi Divya, I read what you you went through, and my heart goes out to you dear. It’s been quite a while, how are things now? My husband of 2 months has hit me many times till now and we are going to see a psychiatrist tomorrow. Let me know if you’re interested to seek a professional help.
I’ve been married for 2 years; it’s my second marriage and his third. My husband is much older than me, he’s very succesful has his own business and we live a pretty comfortable life. I do work, and am able to save all my earnings since he covers any and all my expenses. When we met he was divorced but still had properties with his ex, during these two years I’ve been harrassed, attacked, threatened by his ex, to the point where I had a restraining order mandated by court against her. To say that there has been stress in our marriage wouldn’t do the situation justice. I have no family here, I have no friends and can barely interact with people at work. My entire life revolves around my husband and his needs.
I thought I was ok with this situation, but this weekend my husband and I had an argument that ended with him throwing me on the floor, twisting my ankle, my back is filled with bruises; my hand and neck are purple from him strangling me. I did not call the police. I haven’t even told my family since they live in another country. I don’t know what to do. I have no one to run to and don’t know what to do. The argument happened because we were on our way to the hardware store, I told my husband that I would go to the furniture store next door to check on an order I had placed for our country home, and that I would meet him back at the hardware store in 15 minutes. Normally we do this together, but I just didn’t feel like going to the store with him and since they’re next to each other I didn’t see the problem.
Well when I came to look for my husband, he wasn’t there. He left me. He left me there for 2 hours, after which he came back to pick me up. He stated that he had been waiting for me and since I wasn’t there he just left, but of course he came back later to pick me up. I was so upset so hurt. I live in a city where I don’t know anyone, I didn’t have the house keys with me, he didn’t answer the phone, he just left me there. When we got home, I locked myself in the room took a shower and went to bed. I was crying for hours until he broke through the door demanding to be let into our room. When I asked him to leave he just got angrier and angrier and then started to shout at me that this was all my fault for leaving him behind.
I tried to leave the room and he grabbed me so I threw my bottle of water at him draping him in water and that’s when he lost it. He is a black belt, and he just came at me amd threw me on the floor and pressed on my neck with his leg. Ever since he has tried to make up. He keeps saying it’s all my fault, that he was just defending himself. I’m so afraid I feel paralysed. I’m in so much physical pain. So ashamed to go to work I don’t know how to cover my bruises. I also don’t want to file a police report because he has two previous charges with both his exes and this would be a terrible thing for him as he currently has an open case against his previous wife.
I always believed that his exes had lied about those charges amd that they were using it as a way to get more alimony and score better divorce settlements. I’m so confused I am starting to believe that it truly is my fault and that I deserved this. I fear I am becoming a victim of abuse and that if he did this there is no saying what he will do next. Am I crazy?
You are not crazy. This is like sitting on a keg of lit dynamite with your eyes closed. You never know when it will go off (and escalate). I’m not sure what your laws are like in Spain. I’m not sure if you have counselors who know more about abuse victimization. If you do, take advantage of what is made available. You don’t have to turn him in… just find ways to protect yourself and fight against abusive reasoning and behavior. And please read what we have posted on this web site about abuse in marriage. Read through and figure out how to keep yourself as safe as possible.
Also, I understand why you wouldn’t want others to know about what happened. But on the other hand, it is wise to at least have SOMEONE know who won’t judge, but will pay attention. I’ve heard of people who have had their lives saved because someone outside of the abusive household paid attention and when things escalated into dangerous zones, they got help for their friend… just in the nick of time.
Now that you know his exes were not lying, pay attention to the possibilities as far as protecting yourself. Think of escape plans, and such (the articles will give you tips that will help you to know what you should best pay attention to). The fact that he isn’t repentant, is disturbing –that he blames you. Please know this is NOT about you –it is about him and his inability to practice self-restraint with you. He obviously doesn’t do this to everyone –so he DOES have some self-restraint. He chooses to not restrain himself with you. And don’t believe it’s because you “push his buttons” or that you “make him madder than anyone else. That may be true, but not all husbands or wives abuse, when their spouses do these things –it’s just that your husband does not stop HIMSELF when and where the other spouses do. HE is in the wrong –you don’t MAKE him abuse you.
Pray for wisdom and help, and then become a student of abusive behavior so you can best protect yourself. If you need to put a plan together to escape, then do so. Don’t allow yourself to continue to be subjected to abuse. You aren’t helping yourself, plus it will enable him to keep ramping up his abusive behavior if he has you to be his punching bag. I pray God helps you to be wise in this, and that you take His advice.
Hi. I’ve been living with my partner for 6 months and just told him I don’t love him; so he beat me up and threatened to kill my mum & kids to make me miserable. What do I do? I’m very scared of him as my kids are older are never home and afraid when they’re not there he’s gonna beat me. HELP!