Coping if Spouse Had Intense Feelings for Affair Partner

Photo credit: Kathryn Denman / Foter / CC BY-NC
Photo credit: Kathryn Denman / Foter / CC BY-NC

How do you cope with the fact that your spouse had intense feelings for an affair partner? The trust you had for your spouse is shattered when you think that they could have cast your feelings off to the side in such a horrible manner. How do you get past this?

This article, written in a question and answer format, is not intended for those “who have recently discovered their spouse’s extramarital affair. But rather it is written for those who have been on a healing journey for a significant period of time, who desire to stay married, and whose spouses have done their part in taking responsibility for their affair and doing the work necessary to heal the marriage.”

Sometimes we try to skip necessary steps in healing such devastation. Please know that it almost always takes years to heal from this type of betrayal (there are exceptions to most anything, although it would be rare if this would be one of them). Even if all the “conditions” are right, this is so. Please do all you can to allow yourself the time and make the effort to heal as you should.

With this in mind, for those that are ready, the following article is found on the web site for the Beyond Affairs Network, which is directed by Anne and Brian Bercht. Please click onto the link provided below to read this article:

How Do You Cope if Your Spouse
Had Intense Feelings for Their Affair Partner

If you have additional tips you can share to help others in this area of marriage, or you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.


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54 responses to “Coping if Spouse Had Intense Feelings for Affair Partner

  1. (ZIMBABWE)  What if your husband has an affair that results in a child, goes on to traditionally marry the woman without your knowledge and when you discover it he wants to break off his marriage from the affair? How does one cope with that?

  2. (S.AFRICA)  How does one react when your husband wants you to commit to saving the marriage but needs “time” to get over his love for the other woman? He still does not love ME. Help; am I going to be hurt again? What should my response be?

  3. (USA)  How does one react when your husband wants you to commit to saving the marriage but needs “time” to get over his love for the other woman? He still does not love ME. Help; am I going to be hurt again? What should my response be?
    i need help with this too!

    1. (USA) This is a good question and one that I struggle with daily. I wonder what I should do too. He won’t admit he is still hurting. This was an old girlfriend from high school that he never totally let go of. He begged me to let him stay and said he would do anything. Well, he will only go to counseling if I make the appointments. He is pulling away from me and sleeping in the basement. I asked him to help out more and grow up. Also I can’t sleep with a man that only seems to be working on the kids and not the marriage. He uses the job as excuse that he can’t go to counseling. Makes me so mad. HE can work all this out with his job for other things but not working on the marriage. I don’t know what to do either. Just know I am praying for you all. I know it is hard.

  4. (USA)  My husband too needed “time” to get over his affair. I gave him that time (only thru the grace of God). I can say to you that if he is truly repentent, one day a light bulb will go on and he will realize the pain he has caused you and how disgusting his actions were and you will be glad that you gave him time.

    Live for today and today only, as yesterday is gone and tomorrow is not here. Sometimes minute by minute.

    Forgiveness is a process that starts with choosing to forgive and the feelings of forgiveness come after, not first. Choose to forgive as Christ chose to forgive us and emulate Christ. Find an excellent Christian counselor, write everything down in journal and breathe. Christ holds you in the palm of his hand. He is in control and has plans for you to prosper. (Jeremiah 29:11) It will get better, slowly, but it does. I am living proof!

    Read: Love and Respect by Eggerich, Sacred Marriage by Thomas, Created to be His Help Meet: Discover How God Can Make Your Marriage Glorious by Debi Pearl, Torn Asunder: Recovering From an Extramarital Affair by Dave Carter, Love Must be Tough by Dobson, Shattered Vows by Debra Laaser. God Bless!

  5. (USA) I understand what Kristi is saying. I agree 100% but wonder how long is long. I am only a few months into this. My husband had the affair. I am still in the minute to minute stages sometimes. I want to forgive. I don’t want to be hurt again. I also agree with Vongai? How to cope. My husband’s affair resulted in pregnancy. The child is due in a couple of months. I believe he wants this marriage with his whole heart. He doesn’t want to turn his back on his child. There must be contact forever now. What can I do? It feels like I am being physically attacked sometimes. He says he doesn’t want to torture me with it. I am not able to form my questions at this time. I hope that someone who has lived through this can give me some input.

    1. (USA)  Teresa, I found your post while looking for ANY kind of help in coping with my husband’s affair. My husband is in an affair right now. He’s basically moved in with her. He had a child with her 5 years ago and things didn’t work out and he and I started dating and married 2 years ago. I’ve helped raise his son and we had a daughter together a year ago.

      I was friends with his ex since I was helping raise their child. There was never anything going on between them before this time. She had found someone else and they got married this year in February. However, in August, she realized she didn’t love him (after 4+ years together) and ended their marriage. My husband pretty much ran to her at this point and professed his love for her (unbeknownst to me).

      Fast forward 3 months and he’s now living with her (he’s there a lot anyway). He seems stuck between the two of us. He says he loves me but he loves her too. His feelings for her seem very strong. He ended it with her on our 2 year anniversary and came home and was angry at me for that. He came home the next night and was distant. Then he left again and didn’t come back.

      Everyday I struggle to get up and function. I have a 1 year old to take care of and a job to go to. I do my best but I’m so torn up inside, I’m barely functioning. I don’t know how to cope. I just want my marriage back. He will never be able to end all contact with her since they share a child. I think I can get past it if they end the affair. But the longer the affair goes on, the less I think he will come back to me. I have no idea what to do! How are you coping?

    2. (UNITED STATES)  I too came across this to find some sort of way to cope with this 2 wk old baby… that looks like it could be his. Did you ever get past the hurt? I’m at a point where I don’t even want the baby in my home… or knowing our 7 month old. Yup! 2 kids in one year… I don’t want MY older children knowing about it either! It’s very frustrating… and Im having trouble coping.

      1. (USA)  Separated for 10 months after confirmed infidelity. We have children of our own and were married for 20 years. I now find out that my husband also had two children due to the infidelity which was with a family member of mine. He denied suspicions all along and allowed everyone else to reveal rather than come forward! He has since stopped hiding and has now professed his love for the other woman and wants to be there with the other kids and spends much time with them.

        Such a devastation to my entire family and I think it is rather sick. My youngest child (6) doesn’t know about the other kids. It is so fresh that at this point, I refuse to let her know and will not allow for him to reveal this to her under the circumstances even if it means keeping the kids from him for a while. He has played so many games with me over the years. He has claimed to others it was over before my 6 year old daughter was born. I am sick over it and having trouble coping. I pray for strength every day.

    3. I’m in the same place. Obviously he has chosen me so his love here is stronger, as it is for you. I hate it when I see him grieve but I also know it means she is leaving his heart. Hope this helps

  6. (KENYA)  It is good to know that I am not alone. I asked my husband why he did it. He said it had nothing to do with me. How do I trust again? How do I believe what he says? It can be extremely painful. Am I still of value to him? He says so- but I am having a hard time believing him. Thank you Kristi, for reminding us that Christ DOES have an excellent plan for us. His word is settled (Psalms 119:89).

  7. (USA)  @Teresa, I myself, just found out a few months ago that the same thing has happened to me. It resulted from a one night stand, about 2 years ago, with papers later coming in the mail from a local social service office, asking for a DNA test, which has resulted in the child being his… I do still love my husband, but it just takes time. My prayer is that everything will be okay. But I have also come to a peace within myself that if it doesn’t work out, it’s okay too.

    He is now paying child support for this child.. which has played a huge factor in our finances because it’s over 400 dollars a month. The mother of the child isn’t fit. From what we have heard she has other children in social services custody along with this child. So it’s hard for me, being that I’m a mother… but this child isn’t mine. I’m having to deal with this in my mind. All I can say is pray and talk with God. Each person needs time to heal… signed, going through the same thing. Be blessed.

  8. (SOUTH AFRICA)  What do you do or how do cope when you find that your husband is having an affair and has no intensions of ending the affair and tells it to your face that he is not ready to break the relationship as yet?

  9. (US)  I am going thru a difficult situation and don’t know what to do. I have been together with my husband for 19 years we married by church 6 years ago. I had a 7 day old son when I met him and never denied my son. We dated and decided to get together. Four years later we had a daughter. Years went by. Though things were good in 2004 we got married. We tried getting pregnant and did but had miscarriage. That was very dificult for me.

    We were able to get pregnant again in 2005 and had another beautiful daughter. My endometriosis became worse and our relationship started drifting apart. He wouldn’t spend time with us and was always out on the weekends. He started sleeping in another room. He said our daughter wouldn’t let him sleep. Well, we still remained together. Sometimes I ask myself why, if no support or understanding has come from him.

    In December of 2009 I suggested we file Bankruptcy due to me feeling our relationship was falling farther and farther apart. He agreed and we filed for it. Plus, I felt that I didn’t want to get stuck with everything in our names and in case he left me.

    I found a house and am currently renting it. He stayed in the old house for a couple months due to us not getting along. He is renting an apartment now. We still continued to see each other. We seem to not be able to stay away even with all our issues. Well, just this year on July 3rd, I found out that he had an affair with a 28 year old woman in 2009 while he had been working out of town. Needless to say, I feel miserable and am not dealing with it very well. He had a child with this woman and it’s a boy. He turned 1 in August of this year. He states he didn’t want me to find out because he didn’t want to hurt me since we had started working our other issues out.

    Well, I feel that I can’t go on, he uses the excuse that he wanted to know what a SON of his blood would look like. This is even worse for me, does this mean he has never accepted my son? If I stay with him people will laugh at me and think I am stupid especially since my children are 19 and 14 my youngest is 4. She really doesn’t understand what is going on. I have spoken to the other woman. She is sorry, says she didn’t know he was married and had children. She says when she found out it was too late to do anything. All she wants is to have him support the child. Please tell me what I should do?

  10. (S. AFRICA)  My problem is this: My husband, after a two year affair, wants back, ONLY because his affair partner ended it a few days before the divorce (that he alone so badly wanted) went through. Why do I feel like No 2? He has begged and pleaded with her and when ALL ELSE failed suddenly I am good enough again. This, after all the rejection, hurt and pain he put me and the children through.

    This is so hard. I love him but I know deep down that if SHE had not ended it, we would be divorced today and he would have very happily married her.

    Does he truly love me? Was this God’s intervention I have being praying for? Why do I feel this way?

    1. (USA) I too know your pain here is the short story. My wife cheated on me when I was deployed in 2009. I caught her and we eventually moved on and agreed to work on the marriage. But things didn’t change, she went back to her affair and it turned serious. She just didn’t know how to leave me so planned on sending me away for some space because we have been having problems. Turns out she took too long and her lover left her for another woman and now she is pregnant, wants to move on and didn’t plan on revealing the truth. The only reason I know is because my best friend has been secretly investigating my wife’s affair since I caught her the first time.

      I was and still am devastated by all of this; I just found out three weeks ago and it seems like an eternity. I’m still madly in love with her and plan on having a DNA test and going from there. I want my wife back but the thought of her having another man’s baby won’t let me forgive her, especially since we have tried very hard to have children with no success. I pray everything works out for you and you find true happiness and I hope my story helps you know that your not alone in this :)

      1. (S.AFRICA) Dear Rob, Thank you. Unfortunately there was not a happy ending. It did not take long to discover that I was being treated as a “back up” when all else failed. He did not love me anymore and very soon had moved on to yet another affair. We are now divorced and my heart still aches for the man I love and was married to for 38 years. My heart hurts for you in your situation. I pray that it all works out. It is sad but good in a way to know I am not alone. I would not wish this heartache on a single soul. God bless you.

  11. (SOUTH AFRICA)  I also discovered that my husband and an affair with a girl half our age. Initially, he wanted me to give him time to sort out his feelings regarding the other woman. He says he is over the other woman and is committed to make the marriage work. I do not believe in divorce and I am not going to initiate it, but I feel I am working so hard to restore my marriage whilst he is dragging his feet wanting me to understand that he is dealing with this matter his way. I thought we should be in this together, walking step by step and hand in hand. I also want to hurt that other woman badly cause it’s someone I know who is not remorseful at all. I have read, prayed but the pain doesn’t seem to want to go away. Each day it’s a torture.

    1. (BOTSWANA)  I understand your pain sister, but I encourage you to keep your eyes in Jesus He will restore your marriage and will take the pain away. Great years are ahead. Forgive unconditionally.

  12. (US)  I am finding this a very helpful site. My husband had a 14 year adulterous arrangement with a woman who was a stranger …approached him and agreed to it knowing up front he was married with three small children whose wife homeschooled them all. We have been married now 30 years.

    She followed us through many transfers …he hired her and took her as his business partner so they spent far more time together than a wife ever could.

    As she was told that he would never leave me …she pressed him to give her a child since she was getting older, did not have any other man and she ‘researched ‘ being a single mom. She got a new house, new car and all her expenses paid and pressed for another child.

    When I found out we had just moved and he had to stop all contact …even though he had built a bond with them as they were then 3 and 7.

    A man’s JURISDICTION …from GOD in marriage means he has responsiblity and POWER to fulfill that responsibility ONLY in the covenant marriage. That is where the fulfillment is WHEN he man does what he has vowed to do as husband, even if he doesn’t know much about it, it STILL remains his command from GOD …God first …wife second …then the children. No children from adultery are under that covenant …they are unlawful.

    This sounds ‘mean’ in today’s culture, but that woman is going to be in NEED of GOD IF she suffers the rightful consequences of her sin. It should cause her to seek forgiveness and GOD too. GOD will provide for her IF the adulterous spouse will step out of the way!

    Our children are grown but still with us …I have had counsel that points out the best in this is for her to be financially supported in terms of the children’s support and she should bare the responsibilty for her own choice and work.

    She actually put forth the idea of her wanting to be a ‘single ‘parent …so she should be more authentic instead of being some kind ‘heroine ‘ of the cutting edge trend that is harmful to all …by this so called ‘reproductive right’ claim

    This woman has received over 35 years worth of child support according to my attorney whom I consulted for my information as to what is legally our responsibility. She has had nearly two million dollars to OUR HURT in the past 11 years, as we were downsized several times.

    The financial losses are not the biggest part …it is the spiritual rape of my husband’s intial walk …now very tenuous.

    My heart and my children’s hearts broken because he DECIDED and PLANNED these children …even as his work and his adultery took most of what our children’s lives might have had …had he spent his time properly participating in our family life. He is sorrowful now ..seeing her various manipulations.

    She was basically a CALL girl, even as her parents APPROVED of her being with a married man, and getting children because of the money.

    Beware the devil prowls around like ROARING LION ..seeking whom he may devour. A man who goes into a strange woman lacks wisdom …is a fool and knows not it for his life…she seeks for the precious life …her way is a narrow pit [grave].

    If we pray for our enemies ..doing good …it ‘blesses’ them and they then are without excuse and in the end if they do not turn. THEY have then a life time of a testimony of GOD’s grace and goodness that then CONDEMNS them because they cannot say GOD was not gracious in giving them TIME to turn from sin.

    ALL of what we do in life fills either a “cup of wrath’ or if we turn to Jesus Christ and seek repentance….a ‘cup of blessing ‘ which is all of our obedient responses to His Spirit …which is HIS WORD.

    She actually brought forth ‘two witnesses’ to her sin ..her two children. She is seeking God but in all the new age things. I called her and left her a message ‘that we should talk’ to see if she had anything to say …she never called.

    She has not tried to see how my husband is, or report on the children …which is fine with me …but it is evidence of her hardened heart…the cold attitude about what she has done ..and little indication of her having any regret. I believe it was her goal all along …to get a life time of support through the children since she knew my husband was a man whose pride would not allow him to neglect the children though she had ‘required’ them as part of the means to get him to leave me and our children.’

    I had testified to her regarding the gospel of the cross …back before she went on to desire children …truly a child of the devil …none of the words of the Lord found a ‘place’ in her. She continues to have her children trained up in a private school that teaches new age doctrines …God is not mocked.

    She MAY turn and be saved and be provided by a husband but her ungodly and selfish character may make it difficult to be a faithful wife. It is a mess and our hearts are broken. That my husband planned children with her is like ‘adultery ‘ of a father against his children!

    We are decided to continue to work for our marriage and wait upon the Lord within all of these efforts …to allow HIM to demonstrate restoration and reconciliation which is what TWO becoming ONE is about in the first place…Jesus sacrificially loving his wife ..the church to gain her back from the fallen state that mankind was in. Eve taken OUT from Adam ..and put back in one flesh …just as Christ restoration of the BRIDE to himselm!

  13. (USA)  My husband fell in love with his boss. They both made plans to stay together until he decided me or her; asked please leave me and the kids until we come 1st. The affair went on for 6 months and made agreements to see his kid if ok with her.

    Now she is 52 and he is 37 years old. That does upset me a lot about her being older than me. Was she a mom too him? I did ask the question to him. No, was his answer. The Co-Worker made more problems for us like I was bossing him around like at work. People working there knew about the affair.

    1. (UNITED STATES)  Number 2, Your husband didn’t “fall in love” with his boss. They were spending so much time together, and talking so much that she started to meet his emotional needs.

      Your husband has poor boundaries around the opposite sex and that is what created this. YOU are not responsible for your husbands actions. Asking your husband about why he is with her is a waste of your time. Wayward spouses involved in affairs are like drug addicts and high on their drugs. Some people call this the “wayward fog.”

      There are things you can do to save your marriage. A forum which I belong to (my wife had an affair) is, click forum in the upper right hand corner and join “surviving an Affair.”

  14. (US)  I am 50 and good-looking for my age and I have 2 kids. The younger is going to college this autumn. I thought my husband of 26 years was the epitome of a perfect husband/father-loving, responsible, morally upright and a good provider until I chanced upon his secret facebook account yesterday where I discovered his 2-year affair with a woman 25 years younger than him who lives in Asia where he travels at least 4 times a year.

    The chat history bore a trail of significant sum of money being regularly sent in addition to expensive gifts, occasional large amount of cash and airline and hotel bookings for her monthly out-of-town vacations. It also reveals his intense feeling for this woman. Confronted, he admitted without remorse of his love for her.

    I raised the divorce issue and he seemed amenable, if not relieved with the idea. My world collapsed. I am numb. I can’t even cry. I still can’t come into terms with reality. I can’t bear the betrayal, pain and shame he caused me and my children.

  15. (AUSTRALIA)  An interesting article. I agree it’s very hard for the betrayed spouse if their husband/wife has or has had feelings for their affair partner. Still feelings aren’t everything. If actions are being taken by the cheating spouse that are honorable and loving to try again in the marriage then that is a start. Feelings don’t tell us the whole truth. The article goes on to say to enjoy today and tomorrow, commenting on the cheating spouse now having renewed intense feelings of love for their spouse. This would be ideal but is not always the case. Even if loving feelings aren’t present the marriage can still be rebuilt. Over time loving feelings may hopefully return, although it is not guaranteed.

  16. (IRELAND)  I’m 18 and I’m on the other side of this as I had an affair with a 35 year old married man. Its been over now for 8 months. He still texts me from time to time to see how I am.

    Now we weren’t in love, but I just can’t seem to move on from this. I feel bad for his wife as she doesn’t know but the thing is I’m now pregnant. He tells me he can’t have kids and I don’t want to tear a family apart. I would hate that as they have 3 kids together. I don’t know his wife but he’s never talked bad about her and neither will I because she doesn’t deserve this.

    I just can’t seem to move on and there’s something about him that just makes me want him more, even though I know it’s wrong. Then I think I was just a sex object to him which I must have let myself be, as it made me feel better about myself that someone wanted me. I did care deeply about this man, but not love.

    1. Carly, Is it possible that you could put this child up for adoption –to be adopted by a family who desperately wants a child to raise as their own? This could help you to “move on” and also help not to upset this wife and those other 3 children’s lives, plus give this child the opportunity to be raised by two parents who really want him or her to be part of their family. I know of several who have adopted children and they have the most loving homes.

      You are so young and you don’t have a husband to cherish you and this child, which is the best environment in which to bring up a child. It would be very difficult for you to raise this child on your own –especially at this stage in your life. Adoption could help this child, you, and this other family. Just a thought. I hope you will consider it. I hope the best for you and this child.

    2. (UNITED STATES)  Carly, Your affair with this married man is NOT over; it is just on hold. The first step in ending an affair is to permanently end (as in for the rest of your life) all contact with the affair partner.

      Have you apologized to his wife?

      If you want to end your affair and start healing, you need to mail him a letter asking him to never contact you again. A sample letter can be found at:

  17. (UNITED STATES)  I’ve been reading all the betrayal and pain from the previous comments. And although I keep hearing a voice say “trust me,” I still feel sooo heartbroken. I feel like an idiot for believing in tis man. And then he tells me, it’s to me, it’s him. I did nothing wrong… (Keep in mind I have struggled with depression… highs and lows (sleep for long periods) for many years, tried many different meds… Jesus has been the only constant in my healing!!!)

    We have been together since 7/2006. My Dad died at age 82 in 2005. A month before I met my husband I had emergency surgery and am not able to have more children. Knowing this, my husband still pursued, even knowing he wanted more children. We both are 52 years, Christians, previous marriage (unfaithful spouses), he has 6 children, all are grown with grandchildren, except a 13 year old daughter (we share the same first name). I have a 26 year old son, who lost his 1st born at a month old (had a heart attack 7/2008). And now God has blessed him again with another daughter in 2010.

    12/2008, we moved to Texas to raise our children, in Christ. My 17 year old son lives with us. Every year in March I go home to care for my 82 year old mom to relieve my siblings and to be a blessing to her. 2011, I returned home to find my home, bills, etc neglected. After finding massage oil in my husband’s sock drawer, he finally (2nd explanation) tells me he has been seeing a mentally unstable (just needs to get on some meds, he says) 26 year old, who has a job but used to be (may still be) an escort and wants her to sire a child for him. “They haven’t slept together yet.” She has just given him oral sex (in my bedroom). And now she just got her 1st studio apartment (by the way, I found a note in his truck 11/2/10, this is what it said, “I will become responsible and accountable. I will become the dominant man I am. I will be with the woman that I want. I will have a child next year”).

    This man has been distant and staying with his sister “helping her out” (she just got a divorce) since we got here in 12/2008. I moved with my son 6/2009 when I got back (California). He didn’t move in with us until 2/2011. When I got ready to leave (California). Anyway, he has continued to provide for us through all this. He still lives with us now and he promises he will not leave me and says he changed his mind about the baby.

    January 14, 2012, “he says he wants to rededicate his life to Christ and recommit to our marriage and get counseling” … Hasn’t happened yet. This is the 3rd week giving the girl a ride to (10 A.M.) and from work (8 P.M.), that was supposed to last 2 weeks. His mom and aunt (70 years old) are upset that he continues to act like an irresponsible boy. His daughter stays with them and us alternate weeks. The 26 year old says she doesn’t want to be a home wrecker. There is sooo much more going on I just can’t write it.

    I realized as I close this comment (sorry it’s so long), that for me to have continual peace until God moves, I have to stay in the Word of God and commune with other saints of God. Please continue to pray for my husband to come back to Christ… “But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint” -Isaiah 40:31. Thank you for all your prayers.

    1. (UNITED STATES)  I am very sorry for your pain. Persons involved in affairs show the same traits as addicts; just as a drug addict must be permanently separated from his/ her drug, so must a man involved in an affair be permanently separated from his affair partner.

      The first step for you, as a betrayed spouse, is to EXPOSE the affair. All of your husbands friends and family need to know that he is having an affair. It should also be exposed to his affair partners husband or significant other; if they work together the employer should know of the affair.

      YOU have power to act; do not become a helpless victim of your husbands affair. If you visit and click forum in the upper right hand corner, join the room “Surviving an Affair” and you will find support there. God bless you.

  18. (BERMUDA)  I worked abroad and my husband who is in my homeland (Asia) twice, told me after a minor argument that he wants to do crazy things because he was angry at me, not knowing that out of the abundance of his heart his mouth speaks (our arguments or his getting angry at me has nothing to do with what he wants).

    He enjoys having affairs and playing with younger women. I just learned all about his repeated infidelity and having kids with his extramarital affairs. I decided to divorce him now but I am apprehensive because of his crazy behaviour (possibly can be fatal and cause so much destruction).

    I trust God for my situation. But I want to know if there is any way to approach this kind of person and if anybody has ever encountered such personality like him. My daughter (9 yrs old) is staying with him and she swears not to leave her dad and even joins her dad with his outing with these young women. Of course, kids do not have good judgement. But I see it is not the right way for the child to grow. I am not able to go home (in Asia yet because I am not financially capable). I worry so much for my daughter. Please help me.

  19. (TANZANIA) I am a 45 year old lady. I got married 16 years ago. Three months into marriage I discover my spouse was having an emotional affair with a good senior lady friend. I fought, begged and did all I could but it only ended when the ladies’ husband got to know about the depth of their relationship. We moved to Tanzania 2008 and he has had three affairs and time sexually involved with the ladies.

    The last case was with a single lady in our office where I work. We are suppose to be believers, him since 1983 and I since 1993. I am so confuse because I don’t think he wants to talk about it now, nor is he worried about what he has done. He blames me for his unfaithfulness, which I really don’t understand why.

    However I have decided to use this sad story to learn about myself and my need and to learn to turn to God to help me. It is so painful. I cried all my tears out until I have none left. But I still do not know what he wants. I stay in the marriage because I know God hates divorce and because of our two kids, though I am ready to work on the relationship. But I sense he does not want to work on it. He wants it to be the way he wants. I feel used by my husband, as if he married me for his social status and to be a wife that is there to bring him the happiness he needs from the family milieu, while he keeps his secret relationships with other women.

    I have decided to do my best to obey God’s word and be submission and respect him despite all and may God be pleased for all I try to do. As for the relationship, I told him I will not talk about it unless he wants. I go through such intense periods of temptations because of lack of affection, love or care but by God’s grace I have not fallen. Please help me, I want to please God but I hate the insecurity I live in. Thanks. Yours in Christ.

  20. (UNITED STATES) I too have started dealing with all of this. My husband who I have been with now for over 12 years recently had an affair. They met back in the beginning of April of this year and started a friendship. I was unaware, but he had been unhappy and did not communicate this with me. Later in April, I found some inappropriate texts back and forth. He said it was just harmless flirting, that was all, but he would stop. I found it again shortly after that.

    In May, we had this big blow out over this girl and the texting and he went away for 1 week by himself in July and that is when it “just happened”. He said he didn’t mean for it to, but it did. I found out and have been trying to work on it since. He says he loves me, and did love her, but now he only wants her friendship back. This friendship lead to lies about more texts back and forth all day and all night long. A month ago, he told me that he would end all contact with her. I thought that this was happening and then I find out, it never stopped.

    He says he loves me and is not in love with her, but rather infatuated or needing to have that friendship there in case we didn’t work out. He says he saw no hope in me that I could forgive him for all these things. She contacted me and spilled a lot of stuff that I didn’t ever want to know and I think that this turned a lightbulb on/off for him. She hurt me… not him this time. He told me that this time he was DONE with her. It has been a week since I found out that they were texting again and there has been no communication thus far.

    Should I continue to trust that he doesn’t love her and really does want to move on and forget all the “stuff”? I am just so confused. It would be so much easier if I didn’t love him. Help!

    1. (USA) I’m sorry you are here. Adultery is the most harmful act a spouse can commit in a marriage. To answer your question, you should NOT trust him at all. I encourage you to visit and read the book Surviving an Affair by Dr Bill Harley.

  21. (AFFRICA) Having been married for 18 years, I learned that there was this other woman in the picture since May and I have been checking my husband’s phone records. Initially it started with one text and when I asked him he lied her about nationality to me until I spoke to her one day. We have had many flare-ups since then; the last he swore that he would not text her as often one day when I came home I asked him if he spoke to her that day he said no (forgot to mention they work together). But when I checked his phone records it turns out that they text each other all thru the day and they text each other all thru the day every single day. He has lied a few times now. I have been on this emotional rollercoaster since then. I have seen stuff on his phone that makes me believe things are going on between them. He says they are just friends but what do they talk about the whole day to exchange so many text messages? They will pay as even texting another woman constantly is adultery.

    Sometimes there are like more than 100 + texts between them for a day. The woman is married with a child. I dont understand how another married woman can do this, she needs to have more sense. Unless she is a whore herself. She needs to put herself in my situation and see how she would feel if her husband was constantly texting and talking to someone. Shame on these women. God will punish them. I hope that all married women who hit on someone else’s husbands pay. A this point, I am still so in love with my husband, but he does not say it to me unless I say it to him. But I am willing to forgive her and hope my husband comes back to me; I pray hard each night and day and thank God for all the little things he has given me in my life and ask him to bless my husband and this woman and make them come to their senses and realize that they are hurting people in ways they don’t know. I am not sure if her husband knows but I sure hope he finds out. They act like kids. My husband does not talk to me unless he needs something or has a question to ask but he is constantly in contact with her. He says that he loves me now and again and wants to do stuff with and for me and take me places but is still in contact with her. He needs to lose her or limit the contact. I have no problem with that but the Bottom Line is he has to STOP LYING TO ME! Get a life people and dont mess with others.

  22. (AFRICA) Where do I even start? There have been so many issues going on all at once. My husband of 6 years had an affair with a 19 year old about 1.5 years ago. Once I found out he told me that he would end it and would not be in touch with her. About 4 weeks ago I found a message from the same girl to my husband saying HI. When I confronted him he said, she has been sending sms and calling him but nothing is going on; they are just talking.

    I felt very hurt because I thought this chapter of our life, we had dealt with and it was over. For about 3 weeks I asked him how he would handle this situation and he just left it. Later on he sent her a message on how he loves his wife and kid and how he is hurting me and she must never conatct him again.

    The very same morning as I was talking to a friend, she revealed a secret that my husband has a child (13 year old) and this was long before my time -everyone in his family knows about it but no one cared to tell me. When I asked him he agreed to say yes, but he is not in this child’s life. I asked him to leave the house and to date, he has not contacted me or tried to explain anything to me. His family also the same. I have a daughter with him and I feel very hurt that all this is going on.

  23. (ZAMBIA) I have been married to my husband for close to 3 yrs now. We dated for almost 6 yrs. It was a distant relationship. In the second year of us dating he got close to a lady he works with. I tried talking to him about how uncomfortable I was with their friendship but all he said is that they were just friends and she knows her boundaries. Every time I would try to talk to this lady all she would do is keep quiet and not answer to say anything I said.

    My husband my then boyfriend assured me that nothing was going on between them. When we got married I remained in another town for school whislt he stayed where he was asking working. Whilst still at school I received a call from an anonymous person telling me about my husband’s affair with the same lady –that she even goes to sleep at our house especially month ends, when they are both working late. I tried talking to my husband but he still refused and also tried talking to the same lady but she still wouldn’t say anything to me, which even hurts me most.

    Apparently this lady is married and the husband stays far from her. They now have a child with the same husband. When I heard she’s pregnant and married I was a bit relieved thinking my husband was all mine now. But I think I was wrong. Just recently I found emails in my husband’s mail box as he left his email open when he was browsing. The emails I saw that they have been sending to each other, really disturbed me and the fact that they even write at the end of their emails saying please delete this message is something that really disturbed me more because it just means that they are a lot of things that they write to each other and they just make sure all the evidence is removed. The surprising thing is that this lady usually communicates to my husband mostly when she has gone to visit the husband. My husband even mentioned in one of the emails that I miss you so much and I wish you were near. I asked my husband about these emails and the answers he gave are not convincing me.

    Now I don’t know what to do, as my husband keeps refusing this relationship he has been having with this lady. This lady is actually very close to my husband’s mum. She usually goes to see my mother in-law and they call each other with my mother in-law at awkward hours. Right now am so devastated. I have never shared this with anyone. I really wish I could find someone to talk to, just someone to lend me her ears and a shoulder to cry on. Through all this I have prayed to God like I don’t know. Please help me.

  24. (UNITED STATES) My husband had an affair 2 years ago that resulted in a child being conceived. The thing that hurt the most was that it happened with someone that was related to him and that he took his family to leave with the other woman and her husband. It still hurts to this day even though we are rebuilding our marriage. I love my husband dearly and want this to work and I think it will with the help of God. The child is not a part of my husband’s life because this is what the other woman wants for reason unknown. I think its because she can’t have my husband, so there is hope for marriages after an affair. Trust in God and kept the faith.

  25. (USA) My husband was seeing a woman for a year and a half behind my back and he chose her over me. He wanted a relationship with her. She rejected him. All he told me is that he slept with her twice. I’ve been questioning him about it and found all that out. He wants to forget about it because he said it makes him depressed. He said if I talk or question him again we are over. He has changed a lot and has done many things he never did before to help give me peace of mind. But what if the girl contacts him because she changed her mind? I want to ask him if he chose her over me. He does want to move to a diffrent state to get rid of conflicts of interest. His affair was for a yr and a half. I found out 2 months ago; do I say anything or try to cope and stay quiet?

    1. (AUSTRALIA) It’s early days for your husband. Hang in there. His feelings of ‘withdrawal’ will take a while to dissipate. It’s kind of like giving up a drug. Don’t despair. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. I mean it’s not good. I had a brief affair. It has taken me years to recover, but now my marriage is very good. I don’t know what I would have choosen if ‘he’ had pursued me. Thankfully he didn’t. Still it has taken a lot of time for me to feel those feelings for my husband. It’s something I NEVER want to repeat.

      Men are quite practical. The main thing is that he is with you now. Make it clear that you will not tolerate on going contact (you are not a doormat) but feelings that are strong stay around a while, maybe a lifetime at a low level. Be thankful he wants to move to another state. It indicates he wants to move on. Even though it doesn’t seem fair, give him a chance to grieve what he has lost.

      I am sorry for his betrayal. I hope that he has expressed sincere apologies for the hurt he has caused. All the best.

  26. (USA) The woman he had an affair with has been with with a sick woman’s husband for the last four yrs. When she can’t be with him she sleeps with other men. She parties with his guy cousins and hangs out with them. My husband dont have a car. But his cousin would take him to be with her. Then sometimes he takes my car to be with her. She only wanted sex with my husband. He wanted to have a relationship with her and leave me. She chose the other guy. But she is still open to have sex with him. She lives 5 or ten minutes from us.

    I’m so afraid he will give in. If he did how would I know? He can pick and choose when he works and for how long. I have to work 1 pm to 9 pm. I have started a log book of the distances we both go. I make sure I erase the miles and log the total car mileage. I am reading on marriage builders and it is very insightful. But I’m always worried sick to my stomach, and can’t wait to leave for work. I don’t even want to go to work.

    He said he wanted the truth out and to start over with a clean slate, no half truth or lies have been nothing but that. He has made efforts. I know he loves me. But I know she excites him and is fun. I know that he doesn’t want to hurt me with details. What details should I be able to know? I know it makes him feel bad, and depressed to think about it or talk about it. We can’t move till the end of May or the beginning of June. I don’t know what to do or how to deal with things?

  27. (USA) The reason he is still with me is because she been seeing another married man for four years. She wants to wait for that guy. She just wants my husbsnd for sex when she can’t be with the other guy. So her door is open for sex. How will I ever know? I work from 1 pm to 9 pm. He works for family and he can come and go as he pleases. His cousin lives up the road and he’s taking my husband to be with her. My husband was also taking my car to be with her.

    I’m always worried and sick to my stomach. He was able to do that for 18 months. His family enabled it, kept the secrets and lies. I’m loging miles and distances. I am tired of it but love him and being with him. I can’t wait to move.

  28. (USA) Jennifer thank you for putting it in perspective for me. I was so caught up in the emotions. I couldn’t think reasonable. I just want to talk with someone about it an have no one. Family and friends are out of the question because that will cause more conflict. My husband doesn’t want anyone connected to us to know. But he talks to his family that enabled it about it.

  29. (UNITED STATES) My husband and I just reconciled after being separated off and on for the last year. We separated because my husband had an addiction that he refused to get help for. He is finally clean after being homeless for the last 6 months. We have a 10 month old baby and I decided to make an effort to set up visitation for them, and to see if we still love each other. He wants our marriage to work.

    But now he has a baby due with someone else in a few months. I accept the child. He or she is innocent and doesn’t deserve to be blamed. My issue is the “friendship love” he has for the mother. When he first came back home she would call constantly. It upset me so he asked her to stop. My husband wants to be involved with this pregnancy, from Dr appts to getting he food if she needs it. I’M NOT OK WITH THAT! All the while he’s saying his heart is with me. I am skeptical. He doesn’t know for fact this is his child. The mother is married and has 3 other children that the state has taken. So he could possibly get custody of this child. I’m fine with that but I don’t want to deal with her. I’m looking for positive Christ centered feed back. Please, I am praying for a way to handle this. Honestly, I hope the baby isn’t his.

  30. (ZIMBABWE) We have been married for 15 years and my husband has been having affairs for the past 9 years. One was with his cousin’s wife, which lasted for 6 years. The woman confessed to her husband and myself when she realised that my husband was also seeing another woman. His current affair is is with a married woman, a former work mate of his, and they both claim to be “best friends.” But I have seen emails & text messages proving otherwise.

    My husband has totally neglected me and my kids. He is hardly at home and does not pick up my calls. He seems to derive pleasure from hurting me. What hurts me most is I love him. Maybe I am clinging onto a marriage that was never meant to be. He can go away for days without informing me and when he returns he expects me to act as if all is normal. When I speak to him he either gives me one word answers or ignores me totally. Maybe it’s time for me to move on.

    1. Dear Dadiso, How my heart breaks for you… so, so sorry that your husband is hurting you this way. I’m not sure if your marriage was ever “meant to be” as you wrote… but I’m certain that your husband’s CHEATING was “never meant to be.” And because of his choices, you will be forced into making some tough decisions.

      You can’t MAKE your husband stop cheating. You can’t MAKE him participate in your marriage and be the husband and father he should be. But sooner or later you will have to draw a line in the sand and tell him that if he wants to keep cheating, and if he wants to live the single life where he can come and go and do and say as he pleases, you will not be there for him, at his mercy. He needs to make the choice –either he joins you in your marriage as he vowed to do on your wedding day and joins you in parenting and being a good role model for your children or he makes the choice to release you and do his thing elsewhere. He can’t have both lives. Your heart and your home is not a revolving door to his whims and fancies. It’s not a matter of you deciding to “move on” –he is making that choice for you by his hurtful and dangerous actions.

      I pray that God will talk to your husband’s heart and convict him that he is doing wrong on so many levels. And I hope he will make the choice to do what is right –for your sake and your children’s, but also for his. This is a rocky road he is traveling on –one that he will ultimately pay for in horrible ways either on this side of heaven and/or on the other. I pray help and wisdom and discernment and strength and hope for you –hope for a better future either WITH your husband or without. May God guide you as you decide what to do.

  31. I have been happily married to my husband for 10 yrs we are not 12 yrs married! Last year I discovered he made contact with his first love who is married has children and grandchildren! I am 14 yrs his junior so I don’t see the point of him cheating on me as we use to be happily married! This woman came into the picture and has destroyed me emotionally; a lot of texting and emails were taking place, phone calls etc!

    She lives in another country so he goes twice year now to visit his mom but it’s more that meets the eye! I truly believe that he sees her they have committed adultery and her husband does not know about her affair! My husband denied that he slept with her, so I can I move forward! I was tempted to contact this woman’s husband! Please help!

    PS.I dated my husband for 9 yrs and in total 21 years to be cheated on! Quite frankly this is a disgrace! I am scared as I don’t want to contract any std’s diseases!

  32. What does one do if… For 2 years you and your husband had a very hard time, you were diagnosed with a health issue that may or may not result in cancer or having or not having children. Your meds made you insanely crazy, mean, and jealous. Your husband also became at his worst distant, abrasive, and mean. Then he tells you he has been unhappy for some time and doesn’t know if he can move past the hurt caused by the both of us, and that the past 2 years was physically, mentally and emotionally exhausting. That he feels we need time apart to see what happens.

    Then you find out he was also having an emotional affair, turned physical, with a close friend of yours. He tells you he is no longer in love with you, wants to separate to divorce, and is in love with your once friend. He still lives with you, you’re trying to fix the things he claimed needed to be fixed communication, attitude adjustments, behavioral pattern changes and so on.

    It has taken us months to get to a point of good standing. The affair is still on going. Then he tells you in an open conversation that he’s 50/50 about wanting and not wanting a divorce, that he wants one based on the unhappiness he felt, how we treated one another, and the fact that he allowed himself to get to a point where he betrayed me. That he doesn’t want one because we still have a deep connection, he loves me, cares for me, I’m still a safe place, a weakness, a comfort and I still feel like home to him.

    He also claims to have a similar yet different connection with her. Yet he also has reservations about them as anything serious because of the fact that she has 2 kids (11-20) She has no job, she lives with her mother, her father pays her bills, and that no matter what happens with us the guilt of how they came to be will always be there.

    He’ll be moving out soon and for 2 months he wants no contact with me. He doesn’t know what his decision will be by then and I’m honestly hoping for him to not make one. I know he feels guilty, and I know she does too. I know that what he feels fro her isn’t true, and that the connection they share is only how it feels because of how they came to be, and the infatuation they share.

    I’m worried; I want us to work, We’ve both agreed that if he comes back things will change. What really grinds my gears is the fact that I feel sometimes that she doesn’t know where he stands with us now, that he is intentionally not telling her because he wants her to continue to hold on until he figures it out.

    In the beginning he told her he felt he was over us, wanted to separate and divorce due to our issues. He claims she’s secondary to his decision and that he feels he can make a sound one while continuing to see her, be separate from me, work on a friendship with me, hang out with me and see what happens… I’m dumb founded by this because if he feels how he feels for her then won’t she play a big part in his decision? I honestly don’t know what to do. I love this man, I want him to come home to come back. Any advice???

    1. Hi Tina Marie, You need to concentrate on yourself at the moment. Get busy with a course, get fit, keep up contact with your friends or try a new hobby/sport.
      Regular exercise helps with being positive and clearing your head. This works! This means you’ll be calm, not emotional and in a good place when you eventually talk to him.

      Don’t waste any more time crying or worrying over him, concentrate on you. Then when time his No Contact periods ends you will also be in a better position to know what you want too!

    2. You mention he wants No Contact and still wants a friendship? From my experience in a similar situation this offer of friendship means that you still have a big chance. (Bigger than you realise.) The relationship can possibly come back if pathways are open and you maintain a friendship.

      I suggest you think about how you lost yourself in the relationship and how to get yourself back to you and to a good and happy place. This was true for me. You will need to improve yourself and get yourself back.

      I think he is genuine about his comment that she doesn’t play apart in the decision because it can be her or someone else. There are things that he is unhappy about in the relationship and/or with his life.

      Is he in the mid-life crisis age range?

      Though, it’s been a month since you posted. How are things moving along?

  33. Hello, I’m a spouse of a sex addict. He had no sexual relations with another women. Porn and masturbation for 45 years, 40 of those years he’s been married to me. I caught him first on the second day of the honeymoon. Then 3 others times in the act of self gradifacation and porn. Church leadership told me to go back home and pray harder, try harder and have more sex. Some even admitted to doing the same thing, while counseling us. I have never said no to him even when I was recovering from an illness or mayor or minor surgery. Whatever I could do for him I would. Even though he’s a computer researcher of everything else on the Internet, he never looked for help there for himself.

    He told me 2 weeks after I left this time, that he knew there was something wrong. I told him that years ago. He never listened to me. I’ve been separated from him for 9 months now. I filed for divorce 40 days ago. The heartache is in real. When I found the porn this time, I felt like a knife fell out of my heart. I stuck around for 2 days cause I had hand surgery and couldn’t drive. He never packed his bags to leave himself, even though he said in 2008 that if it ever happened again that he would leave. I couldn’t even speak to him this time as before I would go off on him. I packed my bags 2 days later and left on the train to my home town. When I got on the train I felt the Lord say: let him go and I’ll take care of him. I keep thinking of those words and I have to struggle everyday to let it go let it go!

    He’s in recovery with Pure Desire Ministery. For the first 7 months I’ve been gone, I got horrible emails and text from him. Even though he has been in counseling. He never tried to woo me back. I never heard him cry. Or plead with me. Even his 1 set of elders told me that they even asked him if he really wanted me back, or wanted the divorce too. They saw no humility in him. Of course he said he wanted me back, but that had said I didn’t want reconciliation. And I don’t. I have felt like I was in prison and I’ve been falling out of love with him for 3 years. I’ve never felt like I want to go back to him. I don’t feel like I could ever be his wife and lay with him again. They say I would have to have a plan set in place if he relapsed, and I just can’t do that anymore. I can’t take the pain anymore. So I guess because I told him I didn’t want reconciliation, he’s never been sweet or talked nice or you know tried to woo me at all.

    He has sent me an email saying he was sorry for everything, just 2 months ago. Please forgive me. He sent an email to our two grown adults and told them too, and that he was a hypocrite. Asked them to forgive him and all. I could see he’s finally getting it. I know he’s sorry. I feel sorry for him at times. He has heard from his 87 year old Mother that his own Father was involved in porn and emotional affairs. His Uncle too. Generational curse. His Father died at 63 years old and his Uncle too. They left him with a curse instead of a blessing. My husband has not told our grown adults yet about their Grandfather and Uncle. I mentioned it to my Son, and encouraged him to ask his Dad about it. Then left it at that. My husband’s mother kept it a secret all these years. I don’t even know if she’s told the other 2 siblings about the sin of their Father and Uncle. This is also a family that has a world renown Christian family name. My husband was born and raised in the church.

    I’ve asked God. Please Lord if you want me to go back, give me the desire to want too. Give me the desire to want to be with him. Let me feel some kind of love from my husband that feels like he’s understanding what his betrayal has done to me. 40 years I’ve submitted and done what the elders or pastor told me to do. But I just can’t go there anymore. I know he’s in a new place now with his Pure Desire counseling, but I have no desire to return to him. I’m just done with it. He also called me a thief and an extortionist. He’s not said he was sorry for that. I don’t want to go for tit and tat. He this, he that.

    I just don’t feel that he really wanted me back in the first place. I think he knew it was over, after I left. 40 years is such a along time to be married and live under this spirit of lust and un faithfulness. It has taken a toll on my body as well, and my health. Just can’t do it anymore. I only cope cause I go to women support group. It helps me get through another week. Thanks, shine any light on me if you can. In Him, Jeannie

    1. That CAN happen. That doesn’t mean that it is good or right for all involved –especially the spouse you pledged your commitment and fidelity to in marriage, but it can happen. Feelings can be fickle. They can go all over the place and include people we shouldn’t. But it comes down to what love do you feed? When you put energy into keeping “love” alive, it can grow. That, which is starved of time and energy will eventually have more of an opportunity to die. Just because we have feelings for someone, that doesn’t mean we should invest our time and energy into being a part of their lives and letting them be a part of our lives.

  34. Been together for 14 years, married for 7, with two children… I had a two year affair with a co-worker/close friend before and after this person got married. The affair was exciting and new and a definite escape for me as a woman trying to find her identity after kids and looking for an emotional connection that had gotten lost with my husband.

    While the affair was exciting, it caught us both off-guard to see how feelings were developed. The guilt and dishonesty ate me alive everyday but the connection I could not deny. While the affair was at one point mutually emotional, there was a change of how and why we were still having the affair. Then the relationship became toxic and went back and forth with who wanted to end it first- wanted to end it then changing our minds etc. The final straw in order to finally try to disconnect myself was to write an email to his wife regarding everything. He responded with hate and an 6 hour phone call how it was all my fault.

    Months went by and I did reach out again via email to encounter another 5 hour phone call of how he couldn’t see me but wanting to know everything I was up to and my husband as well and a verbatim recollection of the infamous email I wrote to his wife.

    I love my husband with my heart and soul and I confessed and we are both trying to struggle with everything to save our marriage. I do somehow feel as though I cannot get this person out of my mind and my life. I have definite trouble letting go of things but why do I still wonder how he is? I feel as though I’m stuck in a moment that will never end and I really want to move on with my life although it don’t know how… This ended 4 months ago… Just looking for honest 3Rd party opinions.