Coping if Spouse Had Intense Feelings for Affair Partner

Photo credit: Kathryn Denman / Foter / CC BY-NC
Photo credit: Kathryn Denman / Foter / CC BY-NC

How do you cope with the fact that your spouse had intense feelings for an affair partner? The trust you had for your spouse is shattered when you think that they could have cast your feelings off to the side in such a horrible manner. How do you get past this?

This article, written in a question and answer format, is not intended for those “who have recently discovered their spouse’s extramarital affair. But rather it is written for those who have been on a healing journey for a significant period of time, who desire to stay married, and whose spouses have done their part in taking responsibility for their affair and doing the work necessary to heal the marriage.”

Sometimes we try to skip necessary steps in healing such devastation. Please know that it almost always takes years to heal from this type of betrayal (there are exceptions to most anything, although it would be rare if this would be one of them). Even if all the “conditions” are right, this is so. Please do all you can to allow yourself the time and make the effort to heal as you should.

With this in mind, for those that are ready, the following article is found on the web site for the Beyond Affairs Network, which is directed by Anne and Brian Bercht. Please click onto the link provided below to read this article:

How Do You Cope if Your Spouse
Had Intense Feelings for Their Affair Partner

If you have additional tips you can share to help others in this area of marriage, or you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.


Filed under: Surviving Infidelity

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62 responses to “Coping if Spouse Had Intense Feelings for Affair Partner

  1. Hello, my husband and I are married now for 35 years, together 38 years. In July 2015 I found out he was having an affair with a woman from a place he visits for work. He lied of course and when I confronted him he left but was only away for less than eight weeks and asked to come home.

    He was in bad shape, his blood pressure up, he was a stressed out mess, so I let him come home. We are going to marital therapy and it’s been going okay for the most part, but I have obsessions about this woman, and I looked in his phone and there was a message from her saying she hopes he is doing well; Hope it is going better and that she loves him. I confronted him and don’t know what I should now do. Help me.

  2. Well my situation is my husband had an affair on me but resulting in having a baby. I can accept the fact he’s got to support his child and that’s what he wants to do. The hardest part is trying to get over the child part, that it isn’t mine. I feel like he should support his son but right now he has no choice but to go over her house to see his child because it is a newborn. I feel that’s not right for him to go over there because that makes me feel insecure of what is going on. Even though he told me he doesn’t want her and it isn’t about her it is about his son but how do I know that for sure? I told him I want to work out my marriage but everybody keeps telling me we’re going to have a hard time because he has another child from somebody else. How would I handle this situation about this child??

    1. Chelsea, I’m not sure if this will help you process all of this, or not, but please glean through and consider what is posted on our web site at: Also, try as best as you can not to listen to what others are telling you. I’ve seen this over and over and over again where everyone else has “advice” for those in troubled marriages and with that negativity, it puts additional shadows over the whole situation. They may mean well, but they aren’t in your shoes, so please be careful about listening too much to what they have to say. Yes, it will be difficult and yes, boundaries need to be determined by both you and your husband, but I’ve seen it work fine, and even good. It isn’t what you would ever have chosen, obviously, but good can still come out of a difficult situation, if you allow it to. Please know that.

  3. My husband had an affair with a friend! They both lied about it; it also cost him his job because of all the emails he got while at work on work email. It’s been 7 years since that but I know he still has strong feelings for her. They talk about me behind my back and I’m always the bad guy when there is a problem in the friendship like now we (me and her are not talking). They sneak around and don’t tell me when they instant message, text, email or see each other. Help

    1. Hi Joanne, I am a husband married 36 years with 2 adult children. This is really difficult. He had an affair? (now over?) Or he is still having the affair now? Your text implies that you know her. 7 years ago but still not over. All you can do is decide for yourself what you’ll put up with, and what you will not tolerate. Pursuing open dialogue, telling him how this makes you feel, and being the best wife you know how to be are certainly positive actions for you to do. Do you know why/how this affair started? It does not have to mean you are inadequate in any way- please understand that…

      I had online affairs I am sorry to say. We never met each other, but the feelings were there. I had to decide the direction I would take. My wife and I had several talks about it… and we ended up writing letters to the on line affair partners together. For me this was VERY difficult. That was 1 year ago this month.

      Your husband needs to do the same. This is very hard on you to be sure, but also will be difficult for him to break these very strong ties. Please see the following website- I hope it helps: There are several other sites on the sidebar… also very enlightening.

      Take care… perhaps we hear from you again? You are always welcome here :) WP (Work in Progress)

  4. So my husband had an affair with a woman that he works with. I kicked him out; he came back, he left, he came back. We’ve been married 21 years and have a 3 year old and 10 month old. He said he chooses me and the kids when we are together, but when he goes to work and sees her he gets confused and his feelings for her come back and he says he doesn’t know what he wants. He said he’s told her that he wants to work it out with me, but every time they talk she tells him how happy she wants to make him and how much she wants him and to be with him. I’m praying and trusting God, but I’m so exhausted from the back and forth and the games and the no feelings one day,feelings the next. I don’t want my marriage to end; I want to work it out…but how much longer can I be expected to live like this??

    1. I read this and cried because I truly understand your pain and suffering. I just found out my husband of ten years had a 5 month affair. He wants me and our son but I don’t trust that he has cut off contact with the OW. He called her in front of me and told her the cannot talk anymore and that he wants to work things out with me. She was so mad because she thought he and I were seperated. Nope. It’s the worst kind of pain and it’s hard for me to be in the same house with him right now. I don’t know what to do. I am sending your virtual hugs! I wish I had someone here who knows what I am going through. I could really use the support.