Marriage Missions International

How Does One Forgive Infidelity?

“The difference between holding on to a hurt or releasing it with forgiveness is like the difference between laying your head down at night on a pillow filled with thorns or a pillow filled with rose petals.” (Loren Fincher –More Stories from the Heart)

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Okay, so you don’t want to sleep on a “pillow filled with thorns” night after night. And you also don’t want to hold onto a hurt that will continually deliver pain every time you think about it. But how do you throw that thorn-filled “pillow” of bitterness and unforgiveness away from you when it has adhered itself onto you?

And more importantly, how do you forgive your spouse when he or she has stabbed you in the heart emotionally? How do you release the enormous pain and confusion you feel because of what your spouse has done to you and your marriage? And why do you have to? Why is it YOU that has to do so much of the hard work when you aren’t the one who betrayed your marriage partner? And where does marriage restoration come into all of this IF there is anything left to restore?

Those are a few of the many questions that will be addressed in the articles we link to below.

First off:

“There’s a big difference between forgiving someone and restoring a relationship. Everyone should forgive for their own benefit regardless of the actions of the other person.

“But forgiveness is not synonymous with restoration. Restoring the relationship will take the effort of both parties and is therefore not always possible. Sometimes one party is unwilling to do the work of restoration.

“Within the context of forgiveness, there are two types. In the first, the offending party is truly sorry and asking for forgiveness, which makes forgiveness much easier. In the second situation the offending party is not sorry making it much more difficult, but it is still necessary to forgive them for your own benefit as to not allow that person to ruin your future as well as your past.”

To read more that Anne Bercht wrote on this issue, please go to the Beyondaffairs.com web site to read:

•  HOW DOES ONE FORGIVE AN EXTRAMARITAL AFFAIR?

Here are some additional questions that might be circling around in your mind:

“What IS forgiveness? Is it never bringing up the ‘what happened’? Is it never wanting to think about it again? Is it trusting the person? I keep hearing it is for yourself and not the other person but what do you get when you find whatever IT is?”

Anne Bercht answers them in the following article that we encourage you to read:

WHAT IS FORGIVENESS?

And then, how do you forgive the woman who had an affair with your spouse, split up the family, and eventually married your husband? It’s a tough situation —to say the least. Read of how one woman discovered freedom as she finally was able to release herself from the prison of unforgiveness:

•  THE HEALING POWER OF FORGIVENESS

We realize that you may be the husband whose wife had an affair and you are trying to get to a place where you aren’t imprisoned by unforgiveness. If so, reading the following article posted on Crosswalk.com could help you in some way as you try to process all of this:

WHY WIVES HAVE AFFAIRS

If you have additional tips you can share to help others in this area of marriage, or you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below. 
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Comments

49 Responses to “How Does One Forgive Infidelity?”
  1. Teresa says:

    (USA) I have searched the links of this site and others. My marriage has been through many years of not knowing how to forgive. There isn’t enough space to cover it all. Our resent issue deals with infidelity. This isn’t the first time. The difference this time is our age. Bad issues hit us in the early years of our marriage. I guess being young and dumb we just swept them under the rug. This will be our 27th year of marriage this year. It has been a year and half since the drama hit. I was the offended one. To make sure that I’m not bashing my husband. There is something that is weighing heavy on my heart and in my mind. As a matter of fact, it is the cause of big arguments. I try very hard to forgive my husband. I still have a great deal of confusion in my head.

    When it comes to forgiving, does it also mean one HAS to forget? My husband says since I can’t forget it, I haven’t forgiven him. He quotes Bible words and says God forgives. The sins are gone as far as the east is from the west. I just tell him I’m human and not God. Yes, my biggest fault is not being able to forget. I’m haunted more so this time around. Really I think it is more like fear. If I let my fears or forget go, (let my guard down), I know it will happen again even though he says he has learned his lesson this time.

    So after this lengthly post, does anyone or can anyone help me in showing my husband that forgiving is a lot easier then forgetting? Also if anyone has been through infidelity, more then once in the same marriage? How can one truly forgive, trust, rebuild, learn to love their spouse again, and deal with the emotions, hurtful thoughts, and all the things that come from this? I feel as though I’m going to be doing this alone. If someone has the answers, please pass them on.

    • Sajan says:

      (INDIA)  I’m praying and believing that this is the only way out, if you love someone truly, and the other soul is not taking you as the biggest fool on earth and becoming more spiritual.

    • Ann says:

      (USA) Teresa, I ache for you as I found this site searching for similar help. I want to connect with others who are in this nightmare and of course calling up a local girlfriend to say has your husband ever cheated, just doesn’t seem practical. I don’t think we as the injured partners will ever forget. Indeed we are human.

      I can tell you that reading Gary Chapman’s, The One Year Love Language Minute Devotional has helped me. If you don’t have it -run and get it now. The 10/7 & 10/8 devotional speaks of forgiveness… here is what resonated with me. Forgiveness is a choice to lift the barrier and let the other person back into our lives (our heart). There will always be risks involved …risk we will hurt again. Some of us hurt so badly and in my case, learned of multiple affairs, that it seems like forgiveness is impossible. However, without forgiveness, the relationship cannot grow.

      I will pray for you as your journey in your marriage continues. Please keep me in prayer too. My husband of 16 years is asking for my forgiveness and although everything is so fresh and torments me periodically, I am trying hard to push through with God holding me in his arms.

    • Lee says:

      (USA) Wow, this could be me writing this story. My husband has repeatedly cheated on me for the past 10 years with “professionals” and hookups from bars. I always kinda knew he was capable but didn’t have the proof. I have been completely loyal and a faithful wife in all aspects, physically as well. We went through other things where I didn’t have the whole truth but recently he broke down and told me the “whole truth” and really thinks we can restore a loving marriage, which is what we have always seemed to be. I am totally confused and hurt. I have followed what God says to do and I have put aside personal selfish feelings to be a great wife/mom…but just can’t get the thoughts out of my head of what he did. Worse that it was against the very people he claims to love the most, but even just the acts themselves absolutely disgust me and goes completely against all of the work that I have done to help women in situations like human trafficking. I can’t find any decent books that talk about a woman who has been in this situation, a GOOD Christian woman that has a good relationship with God. I just read “Captivating” and didn’t identify with more than 2 pages (here and there). I can’t take the blame on this, and although I think I will “forgive” him a way that we forgive others for things, I can’t forgive the risks he put on me, unknowingly. I am only human and ask God for help on this, but restoration is probably just not an option. Please recommend books or something.

    • Deb says:

      (USA) I’m so thankful I found this site, married 30+ years, this is his second. In the first few years, his infidelity was with a friend of mine, the betrayal was devastating. We split up for a short time; he begged forgiveness. I threw it in his face many times over the years. Here we are again 25 years later, a married neighbor, who we were working on a friendship with; it is so sad. I really liked her and her husband and thought the four of us could be great friends. I found a text… I had a gut feeling for months. Here’s the MIRACLE!

      I told him if he would just admit it, I know God would get us through this, I told him God put on my heart, Tell no one. To cover his shame, nakedness, like the Bible story? I said it… I think I meant it… I just wanted to get him to admit it. HE ADMITED IT! He was crushed! I thank GOD, he is so sorry, he answers every question; I have access to phone and PC.

      MIRACLE! We were crushed, deep in the sea of despair, went through every emotion, I just kept reaching for Jesus, lift us out of the waves of despair, Oh Lord. I sat at the feet of Jesus, back and forth, anger, get out,then back to: Admit and God will get us through this, He promised, rest in the Presence.

      MIRACLE! 3 days latter, GRACE came in, JOY unspeakable. I had forgiven him! And it was no longer my every thought. He knows God has given us a miracle, This was seven days ago! Not to say the lion doesn’t roar, trying to devour my life, home, marriage …the power of God. His peace does surpass all understanding!

      I, like you searched the internet how to forgive? God gave me the Grace it was a Miracle! AND I choose God’s Miracle! I run to Jesus, he holds me through the waves, He will take us both, through this valley, wrapped in his robe of LOVE. There is so much more to this miracle of Grace my husband and I have both been a witness to, let Jesus be the glue that binds you both back together, stronger closer than ever.

      I am so thankful for this ministry of LOVE, I could be stuck on one of those others. We will run to Jesus when the
      lion roars, and together we will study this ministry sight. I pray that God opens your hearts, like the red sea.

      • Deb says:

        (USA) Hi its me,Deb. It’s been a few months now, Most days I’m Grateful for Gods Grace, but occasionally the betrayal is unbearable. It kills my husband to see me in that pain, He will do anything to get our joy back. The other day, I noticed their house, “The other married woman.” she did some landscaping changes….sent me into a spin. I felt I was back at day one! DEVASTATED ONCE AGAIN!

        I live on culdsac, and have to drive by their house; OH how I wish they would move!!! I still have told no one. I’m afraid the Grace would be lifted, SO….guess who listens, who I vent too! Who wipes my tears, My HUSBAND!

        When we are in the depths of sadness! Why does she get away with it? We never told her husband. They’re married 25 yrs. with no children,I don’t know if he would forgive her, and I would not want to be the cause to put him through this pain, heartbreak..NOT TODAY ANYWAY…Help me Lord. I’m no saint, I haven’t forgiven her…yet. Pray for us all.

        • Deb from United States says:

          It’s Deb again! God Bless you all. I know how hard it is, I’m sorry, no pain worse than a broken heart! It’s been one year since my life was torn apart. I call 2013 the year I met forgiveness, and I pray 2014 is the year I fall madly in LOVE with forgiveness, and my husband AGAIN!

          I think most of the year, I’ve spent running to GOD or numb to it all. I have had many days of anger and throwing it in his face, but I know it really doesn’t make me feel better. I think we will get through this, but the lion does roar. I don’t believe he would ever do it again. But that’s what I thought 25 years ago? Run to the comforter,

          • Cindy Wright from United States says:

            Deb, I join you in praying and believing that 2014 will be your year to “fall madly in LOVE with forgiveness” and with your husband again. There is no pain to match a heart that has been stabbed through betrayal. I pray God will help you to keep falling forward, embracing grace and healing. May your husband “get it” as far as the horrible place he has put you, so he will never do that again. I pray you both gain insight into how to grow warmth and love in your marriage relationship, and that you apply what you learn. May your marriage be blessed!

          • Deb from United States says:

            The Lord has stayed with us through this. I still think of it daily but I try and replace the thoughts with prayer. It works most days. The worst is I have to drive past her house. I think of moving. Things have gotten easier. I pray for you all.

  2. Anne says:

    (CANADA) Hi Teresa, I’m sorry for what you’re going through. I’m going through the same thing with infidelity. We’ve been married for 2 yrs and as you know, it’s a lot of pain, anger, hatred and bitterness. I have forgiven my husband but I haven’t forgotten. I still get angry and just want to do a lot to the other woman. As human beings we don’t forget easily. The best we can do is pray. I know satan is bringing images in my head so that I may fall, but I refuse. I am asking God to guide me through this everyday.

    Take your concerns to God and ask Him to guide you. That’s the best I can tell you. I do understand what you’re going through. God will bring healing. Don’t be discouraged. We can’t heal alone. And pray for your husband so that God may guide him and show him his mistakes and bring peace and love in your marriage. God bless you and trust in God.

  3. LT says:

    (USA) Hi Teresa, Obviously my own spiritual walk is different from yours and my relationship with Christ is my own but in my personal experience I heard the same things told to me. That forgiving = forgetting.

    I simply do not believe this is true. I think if we always just forgot, we’d never learn anything. We don’t just learn from our own mistakes, but those of others as well.

    In the book The Heavenly Man, by Brother Yun, he talks of the tortures he received, in Chinese prisons, on behalf of his Christianity. And we are talking SERIOUS torture- things most people can’t comprehend of. The fact that he is even alive is a testament to God but here is what I learned from reading that book.

    I have no doubt Brother Yun is a man of great faith and forgiveness and therefore has forgiven all his captors. But, if he’d forgotten, he wouldn’t have written that book would he?

    So I don’t believe forgiveness = forgetting forever, but here is what is is supposed to mean. It means not living in the past. Living in the past is of Satan – it traps us from living out our daily lives for Christ because we are instead holding on to past hurts and then fearing those hurts will occur again.

    Fear and living in the past is a VERY powerful and often-utilized tool of Satan. I can’t tell you that your husband won’t be unfaithful again. And although I do get the sense he’s telling you to forget because he’s trying to let himself off the hook, he is correct in that you do have to forgive.

    The "forgetting" part – is not seeing him for who he used to be. Not looking at him as the adulterer. It doesn’t mean that you weren’t hurt – of course you were. It just means looking forward, not backward. If he has repented and asked for forgiveness (from you and God) then you do need to give him the benefit of the doubt. In the end, it will actually help you, possibly even more than him because it will help you live in a healthier, less fearful and negative state of mind. It will help you release the toxic state of mind caused by an affair.

    It’s not easy but with Christ all things are possible. Hope that helps – I had the same "forgetting" dilemma a while back and I went to God with that and this is, so far, what I believe but I can’t tell you what to believe – only God can. God bless, LT

  4. Mary says:

    (ZAMBIA)  I am finding it difficult to forgive my husband who committed adultery in August. It was not even an affair, but lust led him to do it. He had asked for forgiveness when I just discovered and it has really been painful.

    I had my pastor came over to my house on Saturday and we had a good talk and he prayed for my husband and me. I felt better that day and I even moved back to my bedroom. By yesterday, something triggered the anger and pain. I told my husband that what he did is unforgivable and that he was an idiot who could hardly keep his eye off my house keeper. She was not even of his class, a dirty, plain, average lady. I know forgiveness is a condition, I said that out of anger.

    He told me I can do whatever I want. He told me this issue will never end on my side and so I should move out if I so wish, because I have become a nag. We argued about how I discovered he had been watching porn– I suppose that led him to forcibly have sex with my housekeeper. He then banged the door behind me and once again I had to sleep in the sitting room.

    There is tension again in my house. I have left him at home. I am at work and I can not concentrate. I have mixed emotions right now. Should I leave as he asked me to? My daughter who is 12 years old (not his, I have no child with him) told me this morning that she does not like him and we should just move out. I started packing my clothes and I told my husband I will finish packing the rest of my stuff when I knock off from work.

    Is this the best solution, ever? Am I overreacting? Maybe I am losing my mind. Why am I still holding a grudge and bitterness? I am crying as I am writing this because I don’t know which step to take. I am so confused right now. I opened the Bible randomly this morning, but the verses I read were of different situations. I need help before I have a nervous breakdown.

    • Karla says:

      (USA)  I hope you listened to your daughter, and he is probably not the man you thought he was. I myself would leave, I hope you did and are happier now. A man who asked for forgiveness in words alone is not really sorry. It is a man that shows you how sorry in his actions and words to you over time.

  5. Mary says:

    (ZAMBIA)  My husband and I are still at each others throats. We had a fight yesterday, a physical fight. It all started because he still denies having forcible sex with my housekeeper. I told him to just tell me the truth, but he says she consented, which I do not believe. How will I ever forgive him if he is not being truthful? I wanted to leave before but when I knocked off from work, he had unpacked all my things and put them back in place.

    Surely, I am not stupid. This man is not remorseful, and I told him last night I am contemplating divorce. Why should I stay married and miserable when I have seen single people happy? He says I can do whatever pleases me and he even told me not to allow my family to come and visit. I live in Africa where extended family is important. We don’t do away with family. He does not want anybody else to come and counsel us, but I can’t heal like this.

    It’s obvious he does not regret his actions anymore, like he did when I first found out about his cheating on me. I am so sad, I have been looking for an apartment where my daughter and I can live. My daughter is very disturbed, she is in an exam class, and our fights are making her sad.

  6. Caitlin says:

    (USA)  I was experiencing something like Karen in the 2nd article. My boyfriend of 3 years cheated on me for almost 1.5 years of those and is having a baby with the other women. After 6 months I am willing to try and forgive him but, I am holding on to the resentment I have for her. Why her? Why does she get to share something so intimate as a child with him? Right after he told me about affair I found out I was pregnant and just had a miscarriage. I find myself so angry that she seems to have one.

    My boyfriend is trying to hold on to me and is trying to regain my trust but, it’s so hard because she will now forever be in his life because of this child. A constant reminder of what he did. She is trying to turn him against me and trying to start the relationship up again with him. I am so angry and I can’t get the image of her and their child out of my head. Sometimes the rage runs through my entire body and it’s almost unbearable. How do I get rid of this? It is destroying me!!

  7. Nicole says:

    (USA)  Caitlin… It was just a couple of months ago I was on this site seeking advice. My ex-fiancé had cheated on with 2 different women that I know of and 1 of them became pregnant. I was so hurt, embarrassed, and confused. I just could not get this child out of my head. I would think of him at home, work, church…anywhere. I could not sleep or even take care of my own child because I had let my ex-fiancé’s deceitful actions get the best of me. I would pray and fast and it seem like nothing would happen.

    But one day it did happen, day after day I would become stronger and stronger. I had my share of pity parties and crying days, but it did not kill me it only made me stronger.

    I’m at the point now where I can now ask about the child and even say his name, but even that took a long time. My child has not meet her brother because I still need more time to heal but I know God will give me the strength to tell her about him soon enough. He will also give me strength to not be embarrassed about the things that have happened in my life or what people think about me and my past heartaches.

    I can tell you that if you pray and seek God, your days will get better. You will not have so much resentment and anger in you. I still get angry but the child is innocent and when my family and friends would tell me that, I would get so mad. But it’s the truth… he never asked to be in this world.

    Please stay strong and keep your head up… brighter days are ahead!!! I will pray for you… Nicole

  8. Scott says:

    (US)  I really hate to burst your bubble but I’m very sorry, it’s over. You will fight it for a year or two. This time is necessary. You will know then that you tried. If you will notice, almost every site on the internet that encourages you to stay is SELLING something. People are very easy targets in this fragile state. Good Luck, I’m going through it too.

  9. Renee says:

    (USA) We have been married for 30 years and he has had several emotional affairs. We are still living together. We have 4 adult sons. This happens about every 10 years. He is sorry and tearful and blah blah blah. We have been counseling each time and each time he renews his promises and I guess it lasts for about 5 years then we are back to the whole infidelity thing. At the time I really believe that he does not want to feel this level of pain again but it seems to be an addiction for him.

    Through my prayers, tears, fears, trying to hurt the least amount of people the answer I have received from our dear Lord has been Yes I must forgive, Yes I must love but I do not have to trust. We are working on the trust in the relationship this time by journaling each week for 1 hour but out of 12 weeks he has bagged three times. We wrote and signed a contract to do the journaling for 1 year and at the end of a year we can make a decision to move on if we do not experience restoration.

    The first time it hurts more than anything you experience but after a while the pain is mostly his. I found that I try too hard so this time the ball (no pun intended) is in his court. Keep praying and you may come to the realization that no one individual can love you, that is only from God. As the scripture states, trust no one. The pain can be transforming and it will wax and wane. May you find your way and forgive and love yourself. This is his issue not yours.

    • A says:

      (USA)  (USA) Wow that is exactly my situation my husbands have been physical but my heart is teling me I am through!

    • Ede says:

      (NIGERIA)  Hmmm, so right Renee. Only God can love us truly. I don’t know if my boyfriend of 5 years actually had an affair but I caught him on several occasions viewing internet porn. I was so disgusted and devastated. I started nagging him and became so angry at him. He begged but he kept on going back. But now I haven’t seen any evidence again. He claims he doesn’t view anymore or maybe he just covers his tracks very well.

      I have forgiven but I just can’t seem to forget. I dislike him a lot and sometimes wish to leave him but I can’t. How does one really forget??? I don’t trust him and never will… but I thank him for making me realize early, that only myself and God can totally make me happy.

      • Lee says:

        (USA) He probably has “incognito” (google chrome) or internet explorer has their own version, but it is a “NO TRACKING HISTORY” search bar that keeps no history at all.

  10. Sarah says:

    (UK)  Well in this instance, I am ashamed to say I am the one who cheated. Afterward I felt really awful because it was not even like the man I was cheating on my partner with, was doing anything spectacular, because he wasn’t. And every time I saw him I would ask myself questions like “What am I doing here?”

    By the time I came to my senses the damage had already been done. I am not going to say why I did it because that would just be justifying my actions and I feel I have no right to justify anything. My partner found out about it and things have never been the same. I truly love him, and I guess it took this to make me realise what I was and did lose for all intents and purposes. I cleaned up my act in record time not through my own might, but because I re-found my faith. Now all I can do is pray that my partner can get to a point where he can forgive me.

  11. Jen says:

    (USA)  Through reading all of these posts, I have shed many tears. I have been married for four years. The entire year of 2008, my husband cheated on me. Through this time, I had NO idea that anything was wrong until the beginning of November. At that time, he told me he was unhappy. He blamed it on work-related depression, but let me know that it was beginning to make him unhappy in all areas of life- including our marriage. I immediately found us a counselor, and he agreed to go. We saw the counselor for about 3 sessions. I could tell that he was not opening up, and he kept acting like there was more to be said.

    In January of 09, I found what more there was to be said. I looked at our phone records and was astonished to see the number of text messages he had been sending. I did some investigating, and was unbearably hurt by what I found. Upon confronting him, it took a lot to get the full truth- but I believe that I have finally heard it all.

    I kicked him out of our home immediately. The lines of communication have never been as open for us as they were over the next couple of days. I truly believe that my husband found God that night. He sent me scripture, he read the things I told him to read, he was ready to lead me in our Christian walk. I wanted to badly to forgive him right away- even he didn’t understand it. God was working in me through my diligence to follow Him. Don’t get me wrong- I was hurt more than I ever thought I could be. This was pain I had never, ever felt before. I had never been through anything like this. I restricted the amount of time that he was allowed to see me daily. I only talked to him when necessary. I gave him conditions that he had to fulfill before he could move back into our house.

    Ultimately, he did those things. He is a young Christian, and has a true desire to discover what God has in store for him. I have actually forgiven him. However, the images will not go away. I read Facebook messages, saw picture texts, and read emails that are now ingrained in my brain. I want so badly for those things to disappear. The reality is that they are not going to go away- maybe ever. But, the article attached to this page explains things well. Each time those images come up, they hurt a little less. It’s just like losing a loved one. There are days when you think of your loved on and you will not hurt like you did the day they passed away- BUT- there will also be days where the pain that you feel for not having them in your lives is crushing- and you just have to take a moment, break down, and pick yourself back up.

    I have the same days in dealing with my forgiveness. When I have a moment where I cry over this affair- my husband will say “I didn’t know it was still this bad.” or “I thought you were over this.” I have to help him to understand that I AM doing better, I AM trying to get over this- but there will be days where I will think about it. AND- I have to make sure that I am not naive. I trust him now, yes. But, I will not be naive. He and I have had to make some agreements- no facebook, I can look at his phone when I want to, when I am out of town- he is WITH people that can keep him accountable.

    It is a journey. Forgiveness will come. Forgetting… not likely, but the pain will ease as time goes on. God will allow that to happen. Depend on Him.

    (Mary- if you have faith that this is THE ONE God has made for you, work on forgiving him, but if he continues to have no remorse, and to be emotionally abusive to you- seek counsel from a trusted Christian Leader!)

  12. Lindsay says:

    (MOCAMBIQUE) I have been married for 18 years now and have experienced numerous breakdowns caused by my husband’s affairs. Most times I would fight back and be depressed while he went about doing whatever he wished. He would apologize and say he would not do it again but it’s only a matter of time before he repeats the same thing.

    What has been my source of strength has been to look at the many sins I have committed for which God has forgiven me, and the many requests I have asked which God has granted me. God has also asked me to forgive others and has commended me to love my enemies. You know when you consider that we are humans and that the devil will look for anyone among us to use, you will find that the devil will always use the weaker among us to cause problems. So if we are to forgive, do not forgive because you feel you have to, but forgive but because God has asked you to and you are putting God’s will first before yours.

    Sometime I look at my husband as my own son, if you son had affairs and always gets things wrong would you pray for him? If God gave you the worst husband and he holds your hand and asks you to lead this husband to him, would you pray for him? Sometimes I think these husbands have been put into our lives for a reason and trying to divorce him or getting him to change might not be the answer. But that God wants you to focus on him and his words and see his power which you can only see when you stop hurting and stop focusing on your husband mistakes or wrongs.

    He has said that we should seek first his kingdom and righteousness and all the things will be given unto you.

    Start praying and completely focusing on God’s word and see his power and miraculous ways. He is the alpha and the omega, you know. God can change everything but just remember this will be in his own time and in his own way. I believe whatever is happening to you today was meant to happen whether you like it or not but your reaction to this will determine your future. You reap what you sow therefore while you are depressed or angry cast all this unto God and let him lead the way. Start praying and focusing on God. Let God guide the way you will soon have peace for he is the Prince of Peace.

  13. Connie says:

    (USA)  I thank you all for your openness. It has helped me. My husband is addicted to sex internet relationships etc. He is one of the ministers there and I want God to intervene. I desire to see him set free, that light of the Holy Spirit would flood his soul and life.

  14. Des says:

    (SOUTH AFRICA) Thanks for the openness. I still have a long way to go. I just found out that I have a disease which my husband gave me. He said he only cheated once, but it’s hard to believe. We are both Christians, born again. I pray that God will help us through this.

  15. Reyanna says:

    (UK) I discovered my husband had a one night stand early this year (but I only found out 3 weeks ago). He had unprotected sex with a woman from the same country we come from and this happened in the country he works in as an international expat staff. The woman also worked there for the UN in one of the organisations and my husband said she got him drunk and he tells me he didn’t know what happened but said that they were watching a movie and having a drink. Mind you, I’ve never seen my husband drunk and he’s not one to get drunk in the 16.5 years we’ve been together, first as dating, then the 10 years we’ve been married.

    The pain and anguish I’ve felt is immeasurable. The woman is pregnant. She obviously had to come back home to have the baby which is due in November this year.

    What I don’t understand is that my husband says he regretted doing this and was scared to tell me… I went through his emails after I had my suspicions about his behaviour when he came home on holiday recently.

    He says he is deeply sorry for the pain and anguish he’s caused me. We have two daughters together both very, very young. I come from a home where my folks divorced and I saw how difficult it was for my mum to raise me alone… I don’t want to go down that road… it’s not what I planned for myself, or my family. I’m a strong believer in ‘Till death do us part.

    I went through all the emotions of hating him, wanting a divorce and even never seeing him again, let alone our children. I didn’t want him anywhere near me or our children. To me he was as good as dead. But then I took some days to think things over and decided to forgive him, but I will never accept that child and I’ve sworn if he has anything to do with that child, I’d rather pack and leave even though I still love him.

    For me, I feel that if that woman got him drunk, she did it for her own pleasure and didn’t care about the consequences. I hate her with all my heart and soul.

    Secondly, if he regretted it, why did he still maintain constant touch and even go on holiday with her to another country? Didn’t he think I’d find out? They took pictures of each other and there’s no doubt that it was just the two of them… in spite of him telling me there were other people.

    Also, when he came home on holiday, he brought some of her stuff to take to her parent’s house not far from where we live.

    I want to believe him when he says that the relationship is over between them, but I don’t think so. She has his email address and his mobile number. He’s sworn that she’s not gotten in touch and that they are through and there’s no emotional relationship whatsoever between them!

    I don’t know if I’ll ever go beyond this and find peace within myself and find true happiness in our marriage ever again. I feel defiled… he exposed himself and in turn exposed me to HIV/AIDS. I’m so scared.

    Should I trust him when he say’s he’s sorry? Should I forgive him whole heartedly or can I be allowed not to forgive the fact that he could’ve infected me with AIDS??? I’m so confused ..I still love him, but the trust is gone. Please help me out. Reyanna

  16. Cindy says:

    (UNITED STATES)  As far as I’m concern most men are Pigs! My so called husband of 10 years has cheated on me 2 times that I know of and here I am contemplating what to do next while he sleeps like a baby in the next room. The only reason I believe I’m still here is because of my son is still a baby and I don’t want to put him in daycare all day because his daddy decided to do what he does. He had been asking me to have a baby with him for the longest time until I finally decided to have a child with him. I thought having a family would bring us together; boy was I wrong.

    I’ve read many of your post and it really upsets me that so many of you blame it on Satan. Please, we all have self control that’s what separates us from animals. We just happened to end up with the wrong men, we ignored all the red flags, and some times can even blame ourselves. We need to learn to love our selves and not settle for less.

  17. Good Pig says:

    (USA)  Blaming infidelity on a particular sex is very small thinking. The number of women who cheat is very close to men. I’m dealing with a cheating wife. What I found is that we both contributed to the problem. The affair was 100% her fault but it probably wouldn’t have happened if our marriage was healthy. We were miserable for a long time and we didn’t know why. It turns out that we stopped communicating in an effective way a long time ago.

    With the help of a counselor, we rediscovered our love for one another and have begun rebuilding our relationship. The main ingredient has been honesty communicated effectively. It was hard to hear all of the details but I needed to assess the damage so that I could determine if I could live with what she had done. It was particularly hard to learn that she gave her boyfriend her diamond wedding ring to pawn. I wanted to leave her but I didn’t want my four young children to pay the same price I did growing up. Since she was 100% committed to restoring our relationship, I decided to try if only for the benefit of my children.

    Today, I’m glad I did. We haven’t been this close in 20 plus years. I’m still up and down with it, but the swings are becoming less. I’m trying something new to deal with the resentments. Each time a painful memory concerning the affair enters my mind, I tell her “I forgive you” and try to move my mind off the painful memory. I don’t know if this will work but I am willing to try. I know that a resentment is to re-feel pain. This means that the first time I experience pain, it is at the hand of someone else. Any subsequent feelings of pain are at my own hand. I hear that praying for the people who hurt you is a good way to get rid of a resentment. However I get there, I know that I have to let this go or it will consume me.

  18. Sharon says:

    (US)  I have been married 36 years, for the last 4-5 years my husband has been seeing a woman who at times says she is my half sister from a relationship my father was suppose to have had with her mother while he was married to my mother. I didn’t find out about the relationship until my husband moved her into one of our rental houses and wrote her a check.

    I approached him with the issue and he said they were just friends. At the time I was working nights, 12 hr shifts, every other weekend. He would stay at her house all day and into the night. He said he would stop, but he has been caught many times seeing her, taking her out to eat, going places, and such, 5-6 times caught with her over 2-3 years. She has called me at work saying he loves her and she loves him.

    Now she is in jail and I caught him going to see her in jail last Friday. He says they never had sex just friendship, whatever. Now he wants to make amends again, says he’s trying to “work out this mess” “has a void.” What should I feel and do? I am almost numb to the situation at this point because it has happened so many times. And it’s always the same song and dance. Can anyone help me, give me some advice?

    • Dan says:

      (USA)  If you still want him back, he should earn his way back into your life. I know from experience that you will need a good marriage counselor. I’m going through marriage counseling because of a cheating spouse. It has been the best investment I’ve ever made. I’ve learned that there is no way to repair something like this unless both partners are really willing to work it out. A good counselor should be able to determine if your husband is serious. If he’s not, there’s nothing you can do that will help your marriage. I know you don’t feel good inside at the moment but just remember that you can get through this with or without him. Don’t be a door mat because I know that God intended much more than that for you.

  19. Jennifer says:

    (USA)  My husband and I have only been married for 5 years. We have been together a total of 11 with 5 kids, 3 are ours. Few days ago I found out that my husband was sleeping with my brothers babies mom, right before we got married. We were very much into drugs and fighting a lot, after a fight he would run to her over and over again. I married him not knowing any of this. As a result my brother was not able to see his daughter and lost years of her growing up, for fear that my brother and I would find out.

    This is such a huge situation. It not only affected me, my kids, but also my brother and his daughter. I feel I’ve been living a big lie and can’t get over the pain. This girl was at our wedding watching and knowing all along what they did. How do I get that day back? I can’t believe that after 7 years and 3 children you can run off so quick. And it wasn’t just an impulse thing. He drove and had to time to think about it, over and over again. As of 3 years ago our life changed, off drugs and we were closer then ever, (I thought) until a few days ago, my life was turned upside down.

    I don’t know how to forgive him, if I can’t get past the terrible images replaying over in my head every time he is near. There were so many lives affected as a result of his needs and wants. If my whole marriage was a lie, how do I know he is truly sincere and it’s not just a tactic to have his cake and eat it too?

    He is wants to go to counseling, get remarried and work it out, although I’m not sure I want to try anymore. I’m too hurt and tired to try. My brother does get to talk to his daughter, but I can’t because all this. He can’t be mad at her, because of his daughter, but is mad at my husband. If I stay in this marriage my husband has no repercussions for his actions. The girl doesn’t have any repercussion either, because we have to be nice for the child, and my brother and I suffer for what they have done. Where do I go from here?

  20. Errin says:

    (PHILIPPINES)  Hi, I’m married to my first serious boyfriend for 9 years. We got married last year oct 2009. I was happy, then I found out that he had an affair that started Jan 2009 and they ended the relationship a month after we got married according to the mistress. She got pregnant during the affair. When my husband and I had been doing protective sex because we planned that we will have children when we are financially ready.

    I am a Nurse who is pursuing my doctoral degree in Nursing and my husband is a Medical sales Representative. I am 24 years old when we got married. I saw him when i was 16 years old he was 24 at that time. I just know now that he got this girl pregnant. The girl showed up in their house and was 6 months pregnant and the parents were threatening him and my inlaws (we were not yet married at that time) but we had long distance relationship.

    After the gunshot threats, they wanted my husband to marry the girl. They are not well off. My husband, according to my in laws and the girl, said when I talked to them that he spends a lot on her and his family. Her tuition, baon and etc. When we got married he and his family did that to let us marry the soonest time coz I was really planning to bring him with me to the United States since I already have an employer and waiting for visa. It’s just now I realize that this was happening. Nobody from his family told me. I know it after a year (now) Sept 2010, coz they thought my husband might get hysterical. He told everybody that if they told me, my family might blame them for it. But since this has happened his mom was angry but they do not want their son (my husband) since they are just probably using him for all of their financial needs. And since his mom knows our 9 year relationship is tested already although he cheated once.

    This cheating is the second time around but he got the girl pregnant. My husband and I are good looking. The girl is too. She is 3 years younger than me. This guy is such evil. I don’t know how can I get through this problem. I hope God will help me decide. I still have a good future for me. His mom has cursed him but I still feel betrayed since nobody even told me and they knew it. Our marriage was to save him from the girl’s gunshot wedding threats from the girls family, and to save our 9 year boyfriend-girlfriend relationship.

    The baby is now 7 months old but they never let him see the baby. I am going crazy. I have not talked about my family about this yet coz I know worst things will happen. I still have to go home and talk to the family of my husband coz if I tell my mom about my marriage for which they did not know that I was secretly married and plus the affair and the baby. This guys is crazy too. He hurt me and it seems he is the one who is hysterical and was not even sincere in talking to me. I threatened that I will make his life a living hell. We will find out soon after my 2 days vacation to his residence. I just hope that God will enlighten me and he will guide my husband to changed coz I am definitely going to leave him.

    • Manaya says:

      (UK)  May, your life is hard. Don’t worry about telling your parents. They will understand. I am praying for you. You are in everyone’s heart. God bless.

  21. May says:

    (USA)  My husband was unfaithful for 10 yrs. The other woman was his business partner (and my niece). Although I knew he had feelings for her, I never suspected physical involvement. Its been 9 months since the revelation. We have currently chosen to maintain our marriage. The relationship between my husband and me is good. Although I am yet unable to forgive my niece for her deception, I’m praying that God will eventually give me the capacity to let go. God is very present in our lives, otherwise the outcome would be much different.

    The purpose of life is not about me or you, but about God’s ultimate plan and purpose. I had every right to divorce my husband, but staying together is a much better testimony for God’s grace. In any situation such as this, there are many casual observers (both Christian and non-Christian) who are taking notes. How one reacts has a ripple effect on far more people than is obvious.

  22. Evangelist says:

    (ZAMBIA)  Infidelity is quite painful. It is something one cannot forget but I believe the grace of God is sufficient to help you sail through life. In your pain it is possible to forgive from the heart. In our early years of my marriage I suffered from it, but by the grace of God I was able to forgive my husband who I have helped to become a man of God. Now, if I had left him he would not have known the love of Jesus. I am not saying it is easy, but the grace of God is sufficient to heal your wounds. The enemy can try to bring up the pain from time to time, but go to Jesus. He is the only one with the solution. Submit to him; give him your burden and he will see you through.

  23. Adelaide says:

    (SOUTH AFRICA)  I discovered that my husband is cheating on me. I then went for HIV/AIDS TEST & I was positive. He was also tested positive. He is now on medication as his CD count is low. How do I forgive this man, who doesn’t want to say I’m sorry? He doesn’t want to talk about this.

    I found out in April 2009 that he was having an affair. He continued with the affair. I’m not sure whether they’re still on. But I can’t forget what he did to me, giving me a death sentence. Sometimes I say, My God will heal me, as He knows I didn’t bring AIDS into my marriage. I’m born again and believe in miracles.

    • Maya says:

      (USA)  Adelaide, my dear sister, our Father may not give you a physical healing but allow him to heal you spiritually and emotionally. Go to him for peace and comfort. Where your husband cannot or will not be there for you, allow God to wipe away your tears with his unending love. He will never fail or foresake you. I know you must feel alone and upset but when you are feeling low, PRAISE him! Call on him and TRUST in him. This life on earth is fleeting but he is preparing so much for us in heaven. I pray I meet you there my sister! Glory be to God!

  24. Malana says:

    (AUSTRALIA)  My husband and I are very close but lately he has been very pushy with the Bible. He has been using many quotes. Does that mean he wants to talk about something? Hang on everyone, you are almost there. Keep on hanging on. God bless all of you.

    • Cindy Wright says:

      Ask him. Find a time when it is a good time to talk (not during a time when either of you is upset or preoccupied in some way) and tell him you don’t want to misinterpret what he’s been saying. Ask him to explain so you can possibly build relationship bridges. Who knows where it will lead.

  25. Bel says:

    (SA)  My husband of 2 years had an affair in July and I found out through email. He claims that he didn’t have sex with her and that he was just in a bad state emotionally. This is a man I trusted with everything and was shattered when I realized that he was seeing someone behind my back. He was actually having an affair with a woman from our church’s worship team. My husband and I are both in the worship team.

    I really want to forgive him and move on but I feel like everything he says to me is a lie. He cheated on me after we found out that I was pregnant and I truly believed that we were happy. I’m so angry and want him to feel the pain I feel.

  26. Fran says:

    (USA)  Thank you for your article. What a blessing.

  27. Brokenhearted says:

    (CANADA)  Dear sisters, I think that those of us born with a great capacity to love are also those with a great capacity to hurt. Some women seem to be able to go through infidelity with pain, of course, but they can look at the situation with their heads. Even though this life altering happening has devestated us we keep trying to fix things.

    I am sure I will carry this pain to the grave. Part of me knows (even though I don’t want to acknowledge it, as it’s still too new and raw) that our Lord wants me to learn a great lesson from this. My husband was wonderful but confessed to cheating with the same woman for the past two years. He is very remorseful but I find forgiveness at this point to difficult. I’m also mad at our Lord because I’ve had a lifetime of suffering. But I believe He is all loving and forgiving and that he understands my pain and confusion at this time… For the 1st time I’ve gone through a faith crisis because of this- I still believe in Him- but often I don’t believe He cares about me. Then I read your faithful comments and hope comes… God help us all!

  28. Nika says:

    (AZERBAIJAN)  Infidelity is everything –you are not to that person. Everything that he didn’t find in you for some reason takes life on its own and becomes your own demon. It’s lack of connection between 2 souls that makes one cheat on the other. Now do you forget it… or not? Do you forgive it or not?

    1st you must recognize it; clearly recognize and accept the fact that your loved one is searching for something he/she didn’t find in you. Identify what it is, show him/her that you had it all along. Then you leave… why leave?

    The demon of infidelity is made up of our mistakes. Anytime we meet that monster along our way we must fight and understand it. Infidelity gives you freedom from connection with someone who was not your ideal spouse to begin with. You leave a better person and then you find your true life partner. That person will be the one who successfully defeated his own infidelity demon to clear his/her way to meet you. He/she dealt with the same issue in the past. Therefore you will both connect on one, most important rule between 2 loving souls, and that is 100% fidelity to one another!

    • Pavrone says:

      (USA) That’s not what GOD says. He will never bless a union formed by Satan of sin, against God’s plan. It’s built on lies, deception, and evil, and the two adulterers will live in a relationship made in Hell. God is not mocked!

      • Jennifer says:

        (AUSTRALIA) I disagree. The two adulterers may just have a great life. That doesn’t mean they have done the right thing, nor does it mean that they will not be judged by God at some stage. Life doesn’t always make sense. Good things happen to bad people, bad things happen to good people.

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