How Husband Feels When Wife Puts Children Ahead of Him

wife puts children ahead of husband - Adobe StockHow does it make a man feel when his wife puts their children ahead of him? We posed that question to a group of men. Their most common answers are listed below:

1. Insignificant and disrespected

Most replied that they felt a deep lack of respect from not only their wives, but from their children. “Respect is important to a man, and he doesn’t feel that when the children consistently come first,” said one man.

2. Unloved

Most men, unlike most women, associate love with actions instead of with feelings. When a woman places her children above her husband, her actions say to him that she loves the children more than she loves him. Though not as vocal about it as women, men desire to be deeply loved by their wives. It is difficult for a man to see his wife cherish the children, but treat him in a cool or casual manner.

3. Lonely

One of the man’s greatest needs is companionship, and he usually expects to find this in his relationship with his wife. “As my wife pours more and more of her life into being a mother, she pours less and less of it into being my wife,” said one man. “The friend I once had in my wife is now a friend to our children, but a stranger to me.” The lonelier a man becomes, the more vulnerable he is to outside temptation. Is your husband lonely because of the time you spend with your children? Are you in any way making him more vulnerable to the attentions of other women?

Also, When Children Are Prioritized Ahead of a Husband, He Feels:

4. Unappreciated

Men appreciate being appreciated! Many men feel that their wives show greater appreciation to their children than they do to them. “If our daughter goes to a friend’s for the night, my wife misses her terribly,” said one husband. “When she comes home the next morning, my wife is ecstatic to see her and acts as if she’s been gone forever. I can be gone for days on a business trip, and my wife acts like I never left. Sometimes she even seems to resent my return home.” Does your husband know how important he is to you and how much you value him? Are you an appreciative wife?

5. Resentful and Angry

Though not a majority, some men stated that when their wives put their children first, they felt a sense of resentment and anger; some felt this way toward their children, others toward their wives. “My fifteen-year-old son walks through the door and my wife immediately asks abut his day or rubs his back if he’s tired. She pampers him constantly. I find myself resenting him, even though I know it isn’t his fault.” Is your husband frustrated or even jealous of your relationship with your children? Could it be that he feels left out or overlooked?

IDEAS ON THIS ISSUE OF CHILDREN AND THEIR PRIORITY:

Maybe you’re sensing that you need a major overhaul in this area, or perhaps just some fine-tuning. Regardless, here are some ideas to consider:

1. Think positive thoughts.

For every positive thought you have of your children, think of two for your husband. Begin noticing the many things he does. Perhaps he sees to it that the house is locked up every night or helps you replace light bulbs. Men enjoy praise!

2. Give him the benefit of the doubt.

Often this comes easily with our children, but is more difficult with our husbands. Grant him the same gracious generosity that you so readily give your kids.

3. Be spontaneous.

Surprise him once a week with a random act of kindness. One woman recently discovered that her husband liked a slushy drink from a local convenience store. She began buying them for him. “He loves it when I do this. It’s such a simple thing to do, and lets him know I’m thinking about him.”

4. Invest in his stock.

Share with your children things you admire about their father. This lets them see how important your marriage is to you. Though it’s been said dozens of times, the way Mom sees Dad is the greatest influencer of how the children see him. Do this with others as well. Many women excel at communicating their children’s strengths, but not their husband’s.

One woman pointed out that often friends will talk about their children in glowing terms, but when they talk about their husbands, they tend to talk about their weaknesses and inabilities. If you do this, stop! Commit to sharing with others only those things that build your husband up. Words are infectious and should be chosen wisely.

5. Make your bedroom a haven.

Too often this is the catchall room. Make an effort to keep it clean, organized, and inviting. One woman bought a small love seat and placed it in the master bedroom. This is where she and her husband spend a few moments together once they’ve gotten in the door at the end of the day. It shows their children that they value each other’s company as well. Burn a fragrant candle so that the room smells inviting and warm.

6. Cater to his quirks.

Many times we think our children’s quirks are cute but our husband’s are obnoxious. One woman discovered that her husband liked his sheets changed often, yet she preferred going longer between changings. “I fought this for years,” she said. “I thought he was being too obsessive. One day my daughter asked why I ignored her father’s request for clean sheets but always changed hers whenever she asked. I was shocked. This was something I didn’t even realize I was doing. I suddenly saw that I was not only dismissing one of my husband’s rare requests, but I was also modeling wrong priorities for my daughter.”

7. Check your attitude.

Said one woman, “I was stunned one night when my husband told me that he wished I had the same attitude toward him that I had toward the kids. From his perspective, I bent over backward for them. I ran all over town to find my daughter the right dress or my son the right tennis shoes. But he said that if he asked me to stop at the hardware store and pick up a gallon of paint, I balked.” Our attitudes speak volumes to our husbands.

8. Pray for your husband.

This tip could go in every chapter. There is nothing like prayer to soften your heart and sharpen your focus.

9. Reintroduce pet names into your relationship.

Refrain from calling him “Dad” or Daddy.” Choose instead to call him by a name that shows your love and high regard for him as a husband.

Your husband may or may not respond as you re-prioritize your relationships. It really isn’t an issue, though, if you are doing it to honor God. Certainly it’s nice for him to notice and appreciate your efforts, but it isn’t necessary. God notices.

This article comes from the book, The Politically Incorrect Wife: God’s Plan for Marriage Still Works Today, written by Nancy Cobb and Connie Grigsby, published by Multnomah. This is a real down-to-earth book which is both inspiring yet practical. It gives the reader to have a clearer understanding of God’s design for the married woman. The authors explain how, between the both of them, they bought into more than 40 years of modern day thinking. Eventually they realized how it was sabotaging their marital relationships.

Excerpted from The Politically Incorrect Wife © 2000-2002 by Nancy Cobb and Connie Grigsby. Used by permission of Multnomah Publishers, Inc. Excerpt may not be reproduced without the prior written consent of Multnomah Publishers, Inc.

— ADDITIONALLY, CONCERNING CHILDREN & YOUR HUSBAND —

Here’s an article we recommend you read on this issue:

FIND OUT WHY YOUR SPOUSE SHOULD COME FIRST

— PLUS —

We strongly recommend that you read the following linked article that is related, written by Gary Thomas:

THE DANGER (TO OUR KIDS) OF A DISTANT MARRIAGE

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Filed under: Childrens Effect on Marriage For Married Women

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637 responses to “How Husband Feels When Wife Puts Children Ahead of Him

  1. (UGANDA) I want to believe that our children are looked at as people who are still learning and need our guidance and encouragement in this, whereas our husbands are mature people who should know what to do. We rarely cut slack for people we expected to know.

    1. (USA) Hi Margaret, I agree with you that what you say here makes sense to me, but that doesn’t mean that it will work in your situation. Even though we “rarely cut slack” for people we think should know better, but that doesn’t mean that we SHOULDN’T cut it in some circumstances. Each situation is different.

      The Bible tells us in Ephesians 4 — even urges us to bear with each other “I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.” There is no provision in there that says, “bear with your children because they are less mature, but not for your husband’s needs because he shouldn’t have the needs he has. Be gentle and patient with your children, but not with your husband because he ‘should know better’.”

      Whether you think he should have the needs he has or not, he does. I’ve seen through the years that husbands and wives have SOME needs that are similar, but other needs are different. Just because you don’t feel the same way about certain “needs” being valid, it doesn’t mean that they aren’t. You and your husband are different. In some ways God created you that way and in other ways, he was shaped by other events in his life (just as you were). But that doesn’t make your “needs” or your children’s needs, more valid than his, just because they make more sense to you.

      And even if you think he is more demanding in having his needs met, than he should be, we’re told in the Bible, in Romans 15 (starting with Romans 14), that those who are strong need to be mindful and “ought to bear with the failings of the weak.” Does that mean that you are to become an enabler? No. But you are to approach things with a kind and forbearing heart and ask God how to work through the situation so you best accommodate those who need you most.

      Needs are needs. You didn’t marry your children, you married your husband. Yes, he should be mindful of the children’s needs — there is such a thing as tyranny of the urgent. He who screams loudest is often the one you tend to first. But sometimes, we overlook the needs of our husbands because our children’s needs are more apparent and continual. There IS a balance there. The marriage won’t always survive such a long drought of not being tended to. You might tend to all of the needs of your children at the expense of losing your marriage. And in the long run, is that truly better for the children, or for you and your husband and for Kingdom work?

      Margaret, your words are very practical and mature in how you are looking at this. But love and marriage isn’t always so cut and dry and “practical”. Sometimes you need to stop tending to every urgency a child can bring your way to take care of the marriage relationship so in the long run, your child has more of his or her needs met. You may win the “battle” of meeting your children’s needs, but lose the war because your neglected marriage dies as a result.

      “Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible, but not everything is constructive” (1 Corinthians 10:23). Yes, it is permissible to meet every need you possibly can that your child has, but is it constructive to your marriage partnership? Sometimes, the marriage needs tending to just as a garden, so the weeds don’t take over and choke out the good that you originally planted. May God bless you in this effort!

    2. (USA)  Agreed! A husband is a grown man, he is not a child. Why should I ‘take care’ of him the way I do the kids?? Absurd!

        1. (USA) No Stephen, the Bible tells both the husband and wife to do things for each other. Go back and you and other confused people here and read again

          1. No contingency. If you marry the biggest rascal, love and respect him as the Bible commands.

      1. (USA) “Why should I ‘take care’ of him the way I do the kids?? Absurd!” Sorry you feel that way. You have missed the point entirely. I don’t want my wife to comb my hair or help change my clothes. I want her to love me enough to show it. Some little acts of kindness to let me know I am at least as important as everything else she is doing. And when I do that for her, to acknowledge it. I left a Hersey’s Kiss on her computer the other night -just to let her know I care and am thinking about her. She never even acknowledged it. This is just one example. The list is long. I don’t want a babysitter -I want a sole mate who, despite a busy day, has me at the top of her list just as I have her there. We can conquer anything then -working as one.

        1. (UNITED STATES) I pray that Lord Jesus enables your wife to put you first and foremost AFTER God and to appreciate you for being her husband.

    3. (USA)  I read this article and wow. I am also feeling that way. I feel as though a man should take care of his wife in every aspect of life and a woman should do the same to her husband. At some point somebody stops doing their part and I am not saying it is the woman or the man but at some point it becomes uneven. That is when the pain and the nagging and the ignoring begins.

      That is not what God intended for marriage to be. A man and a woman are to be one flesh, right? How can you be one flesh if you’re not on the same side fighting the same battle? It’s a team sport. Everyone says why should I do this or that? You’re playing solo. Everyone has faults and issues, Everyone has problems. The fix is team work, or should I say the willingness to work together to come to a resolution. If you are not willing to be a good team mate then your marriage is already dead your just laying next to the cold body.

      Marriage takes work! No one’s marriage is easy! We have to setup our team mates to succeed. If we are in a marriage where they other person won’t put in the work *** communicate *** and try if that does not work Matthew 21:21-22. How strong is your faith? Because faith without works is dead! You can’t pray for something and not try or do your part (you can’t steer a car if it’s not moving forward –God can’t help you if you’re standing still). Just my 2 cents.

      1. (CANADA) Correction. The man and woman to become 1 flesh… meaning they die though the offspring, which is the child, is 1 flesh through them! Now reading this makes me sick. What does the man do? nothing! Why isn’t he changing the daughters bedsheets, or doing the laundry, or cooking dinner for his wife? But instead he sits there complaining about how he is jealous of the children. The children are her flesh and blood. Sorry but husbands can come and go… my children are my life. I bore them, dying in pain for 9 hours! My blood! Help me… grow up! You’re a grown man… these are helpless children that need a mommy. You had yours. Now it’s time to help out or ship out! Your choice!

        I’m not your slave, to cook and clean for you too. Do that for me as well! Equal partnership! Me a dad… help and take care of your children then you would have time for jealously. This is a stupid article. Men should know that by now. If they don’t then they don’t deserve a place in our lives …I’d rather be a lesbian!

        1. (UNITED STATES) A lot of men do more than just help out. I cook several times a week wash and iron clothes and take care of my kids and my wife. All this while paying 95 percent of the bills (my wife works also). I make sure to let my wife know she’s appreciated. I buy her gifts and take her on date nights. She does not take care of the kids by herself. I take them to school pick them up and help them with homework and she bathes them and puts them to bed. I understand this article because even though I am not jealous of my children I do not get any attention from my wife. Thank God I am not as bitter as you. Your attitude is what wrong with marriages today. Seek therapy.

        2. (INDIA) Hi, Sorry for your comments. But there is a point that husbands do laundry jobs then do cook for wife and children. Thereafter why do you people just think of a husband as a simple person in your life? Why should he not get the same attention as he got at the time of marriage? He feels all alone.

        3. (CANADA) Because he works and you stay at home? Haha, sounds good to me. If I sweat at work to make every cent to pay for all you need and the kids need… you did nine months ya ya whatever, us men get to do it till we die, constantly re balancing the books for…. the others in the household. 9 outta 10 men nowdays get nothing for their 40-50 years of work other than why can’t you help out more? It’s equal more than you think… You care for 2 kids and yourself, dad takes care of you the kids and himself, if he is lucky. Then to ice the cake, a woman get all selfish and says why should I? I am busy with the kids…

          I belive in the old ways, wife cleans, cooks, takes care of kids, and the man works. Get used to it; it works better that way. Woman in their selfishness have screwed this world bad.

        4. (USA) Lia, don’t listen to these brainwashed women and men who don’t respect women.. You make a lot of sense. It’s a sign of the last days. People do not want a wife/a woman to have an opinion. They want women to kill themselves waiting on a man hand and foot. We are the physically weaker sex, but some of these people are sad and confused. A woman has a period with cramps, bloasting, and headaches; she has to breastfeed, carry a baby for nine months. The period goes on for 40 or 50 years. A man has nothing. There are days when a wife wants to grab her baby and run. We want to get away from a demanding husband, who wants everything that he wants. And now these people are telling wives to do stuff in this article, like cater to his quirks, are you kidding me?? What about the wife’s quirks?

          You are doing the right thing already. You cannot overwork yourself for a man. God has things that he wants the husband to do for his wife and things for the wife to do for the husband. But there is a movement in this country to scold the wife and tell her that she has to do all the work in the marriage. Read the scripture and you will know the truth

        5. Lisa, You seem to be a very frustrated woman. I wonder if you have a man in your life with that kind of attitude. I feel sorry for you because you seem to miss the whole point. Appreciation is important for everybody let alone in a marriage. You seriously need a prayer, girl.

        6. If you’re a Christian you’ll obey God in this. I have found that many Christian wives in our circle of friends love Christ’s command for the husband to love his wife but disobey the respect portion. If you love God you’ll obey His Word. The husband is to love his wife like Christ loves the Church as Ephesians 5:21-33 says, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.

          “In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church —for we are members of his body. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This is a profound mystery —but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”

          Genesis 3:16 is a “look” into the future for wives. God speaks about a wife doing what Eve did. She disobeys God and thought that her way was better. Adam put his wife above God then. Here’s the verse, “Then he said to the woman, I will sharpen the pain of your pregnancy, and in pain you will give birth. And you will desire to control your husband, but he will rule over you.”

    4. (USA) My dad does this with my older brother. He spends $500 – $600 a month on him and berates my mom for buying things like hair color and food and threatens to kick me out because I am only working two jobs not three. I also take care of my brother’s kid and my brothers cute little dog who acts bad because he wasn’t properly trained. The worse thing he does is buy my brother gifts on our birthdays and nothing for us.

    5. (USA) What about the opposite? My husband is an amazing father but has forgotten he is my husband. He is all about the kids, nothing else matters but them, I love that he has so much love to give to them and I feel very lucky he devotes all of his time to them rather than TV, friends or bars. For me too, my kids are incredible and I do everything I can to make sure they have everything in life to succeed, they are very loved BUT what about the romantic relationship we used to have? Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want him to stop loving our kids the way he does, I just wish I could get some of his attention, as well.

      We have talked about this many times but the excuse is always that there isn’t enough time, there isn’t enough time to take me out on a date but a lot of time for playing with the kids. I feel horrible to say this and selfish, I love our kids, I just didn’t know that when he became a father he was going to forget about his role as a husband. I feel lonely, however none of our friends could ever tell, they think we are great together. I just don’t know what happened. No hugs and kisses for me in the morning, however I see him hugging and telling our kids how much he loves them and I look at him and I feel so blessed but then a few seconds later when I realize he didn’t even acknowledge I was there I feel sad and start acting very irritable, I become moody.

      We are celebrating 10 years of marriage in a few months and I told him we should travel just the two of us somewhere for like 4 days, he said he couldn’t imagine leave the kids for that many days and that we shouldn’t do it. He broke my heart. I even felt like a bad mother for trying to plan a trip with just the two of us. I’m not though, I do everything for them, and do 80% of the chores around the house.

      I’m an attractive 29 year old woman, I get compliments often. I’ve always done the right thing, but lately I’m even thinking things I’ve never have before. I’ve had guys flirt with me before and never cared and now this one guy is paying attention to me at work and I’m liking it, it’s crazy! It’s like I’m trying to find my balance somewhere else. I don’t want to feel this way, I love my husband. It’s difficult. I realize life is not all black and white and there is definitely a lot of gray in me. I didn’t know.

      1. (CANADA) Tell him how you feel, make him listen. I believe that a husband and a wife were first in the relationship and should always love each other and meet each others needs. When your children see this every day they learn how to treat other people. In a happy fulfilled marriage every member of the family benefits. When we look outside our marriage for love we are doomed, and we teach our children that it is okay to give up on what should be the most important part and thing in our lives –family!!! Good luck, and pray it always helps.

      2. (USA) I am so glad that there is some woman out there who feels the same way as I do about the husband! Since our daughter was born, we have never gone on a date. And travelling without kids? “Are you out of your mind?” This is what my husand said when I mentioned that to him.

        I am grateful that the children have a great father and I get a decent husband. But, love is lost… And like you, my heart started wondering… Good luck and remember –you only live your life once, enjoy it while you can!

      3. Our marriage is being dissolved and I am devastated. We have a blended family. My husband has been traveling back and forth (two hour each way). Finally he came to me and said we’ll move to x and I agreed. Where he works is where his kids reside (or did – as their mom moved almost two years ago out of their school jurisdiction so he got a place there to keep them half the time so he was coming home less/less so the kids could attend the same school). Anyway it’s a small s/w trailer. The last week we have been looking for a home that would accommodate all of our children – total of five (four young ones between 6 and 10) and then a teenager who will be 16 next month.

        I got a text last night that the son (who has been living pretty much 100% with his dad – my husband all summer there in the trailer) – doesn’t want to move. This despite that my husband or I would have still drop off him/his siblings at the school they currently attend as he goes by it for work and my two would attend the school in the jurisdiction that we were looking to move to. I am the one that would be selling a home and leaving family etc); anyway it’s not about the school for the teen boy – it’s the trailer – he wants to live there. I was told that the boy said “she is going to take you away from me again” as he’s gotten used to him/his dad and even gets mad at his siblings being there or my kids…and especially me – he hates me and has said so and has gotten in my face. He talks back to his dad/mom and his mom’s husband and me etc if he is not getting his way; his anger gets unleashed and he is bigger than my husband etc…a very big boy with a LOT of anger.

        I was told to move there to the s/w or nothing. I cannot uproot my kids and put them in a room together to share and then add two more younger kids when they are there just to appease the teenager about a trailer; it makes no sense – this was to be our fresh start a home we were going to buy together etc – and room for all of the kids (my house has all that just too far away). I am sick to my stomach. He said he will not lose his son so it is there or nothing. I have an autistic child that has seizures and cannot be around video games (Playstation, Xbox, etc) and his kids play and he would put one in the room for his two kids and that is unfair. His youngest son has asthma and we make sure that we look out for that.

        This to me is a child getting his way and his wants met over all the others – he said he would not move with us & would move back in with his mom…all in a span of overnight. He now sees the step dad as a lesser evil than me even though he used to beg to stay with me instead of his mom and I would have him all summer long. He started resenting me about a year and a half ago after his mom started saying really bad stuff about me and he even told me she hit him, beat him, etc and had me take him to talk about it professionally then would not say anything and later found out he was lying. He was only ever nice to me if he wanted me to buy him something etc. I am heart-broken and cannot believe my husband is doing this? I don’t know what to do.

    6. (USA) I’m finding this a little bit absurd here. Shouldn’t a man be happy that his wife puts her children’s needs first? Women are constantly splitting themselves in a thousand direction. I myself do with my children and husband and I constantly try to please, praise, show my appreciation for my husband and yet it’s still never enough. Why doesn’t this say anything about the husband showing his wife he appreciates all she does, or surprising her with something she likes to let her know he’s thinking of her? Women don’t get a thank you for doing a load of laundry, but if a husband does one thing they expect praise and fireworks. It’s ridiculous. Grow up and be a man.

      1. Did you marry your kids or your husband? Is your husband only a sperm donor so you can have children and once they’ve made their deposit(s) –it’s good-bye relationship, hello roommate. Or is there at least SOME part of a relationship that you and he are to have? And what happens when the children are grown and leave home and you and your husband are just the two of you again? I’ve seen where they just look at each other and don’t even know who this person is. It’s really sad, and unnecessary. All those years they could have been building and growing together, but instead, they’re stunted in their growth and later just exist as roommates instead of lovers.

        My husband and I raised 2 sons and enjoyed (and still enjoy) being parents. But we didn’t wave good-bye to our love relationship because of the demands of the kids. We each pitched in to raise them, but we made sure that we kept growing in our marriage relationship so that now that our sons are grown and out of the house (one of them living in South Korea with his family), Steve and I have a blast together. We loved our marriage while growing kids and love our marriage now. We didn’t have to reintroduce ourselves to each other after our sons started living apart from us.

        Yes, we were busy… yes, we were VERY busy at times… MANY, MANY times. But I married Steve, not our sons. And I’m still married to Steve, not my sons. There were times when we would carve out time and tell them that we were having grown-up, husband and wife time together and they would have to wait sometimes. That was ok… it’s ok for kids to realize that their every want is not our command. They would protest here and there, but in the long run, they eventually seemed to like it that mom and dad enjoyed being together and apparently loved each other. They never had to question if mom and dad were getting a divorce –they could see for themselves that we had a loving relationship –not a perfect one, but one that was growing healthier by the year. And now they have loving relationships with their spouses. Their kids can see it and that is healthy.

        I made my marriage vow to Steve and to God. I didn’t vow, “until kids do we part… to have and to hold until we have kids, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health of the kids, but you’re on your own because my time is for them, not for you… I’m being faithful to the kids and too bad for you… you come behind the laundry and dishes and anything else that demands my attention, as far as my priorities.” We’re told in the Bible that God said, “What God has joined together, let man not separate.” I think that also includes kids and ourselves as far as allowing EVERYONE and everything else to separate us from “being one.” How are you “cleaved together as one” if the person you marry is barely on your radar screen as far as being close to you?

        From what I see that you’re saying, he is to think of her, but she is to think of the kids and he is to be okay with this? That’s quite the arrangement! Yes, these are his kids too, and he needs to pitch in too –as equally as it’s possible, but that is not to be exclusive where the kids get all of the attention and too bad for the marriage. It’s better to do a little less for the kids, when it’s possible and put some relationship time in there for the husband and wife. I have known of people who have 8 kids or more that have managed to grow good marriages too. It’s possible; it just takes some rearranging of the mind and heart and figuring out with God how to grow the marriage AND kids. It CAN be done, but you have to want to. It’s a matter of putting the heart of Christ into your marriage. It’s not always easy (anything good, rarely is) but it’s important. I believe this with all my heart.

      2. Many of you are absurd except for the people that understand that investing in your marriage is actually investing in your kid’s happiness and your kid’s future because the parents have a functional, great marriage. I am a man who tells my wife how beautiful she is everyday and how proud I am of her and makes sure everyday she knows I love her. And still in the last two years since she got pregnant and had our daughter, she hasn’t once said even thank you or that she’s happy or proud of me for anything. So tell me again how us men are absurd because we want attention from our wives?

        We’re not looking for another mommy. We’re just looking to get back what we put into our wives. Many men end up cheating because of the simple fact they just want to feel companionship from the love of their life that they have molded their entire lives around. Without mentioning God himself or making it about God at all, woman now a days see TV shows and ADS in magazines and too many distractions from reality, and most have unrealistic expectations.

        I haven’t cheated in 6 years since we met that October day in 2007 and never even had the urge too. It just sucks for us men sometimes to tell our partner how beautiful she is and how important she is on a daily basis and over a two year period I haven’t even thought she feels like that. When we have sex it gets better every time. I make sure her needs are met first before mine, even in sex. We have the hottest, passionate love life when she allows it to be present in our marriage. But the past two years we’ve been intimate less than ten times. It’s almost like women, after children, just look at it like they’re neglecting their children by having 30 minutes of alone time to make sure their relationship always remains strong. That’s the part that makes us men sick inside, that they have this maternal instinct inside of them that tells them spending an hour or even less focusing on us is neglecting their children.

        Too many women watch too much of keeping up with the Kardashians and too much bachelorette and have completely convinced themselves that life should be a fairytale, and it’s just not that way. Society’s new standards have killed so many relationships because of women’s false hopes and totally denying their husband’s needs. These same women go cry to their friends when their man cheats or leaves them for someone who will pay attention to them for 30 seconds a week, maybe. It’s just like where do women get off making men feel like they’re not important??? And where do you get off coming on here and getting angry because you’re one of the women that will never truly have your husband’s love because you’re constantly fighting against the bond you have???

        To all the sick women who think men are just being sissy’s; we’re not!!! We’re humans too and we all long for the embrace and love from our partners who we created these wonderful children with. So keep telling yourself that you’re a good wife and you’re a great woman while you come on here and subject your own husband who you married, into feeling like a sissy because he just wants a meaningful hug or kiss once every year.

        I’ve noticed every woman I’ve met just about, who has kids and lived with their husband before their children came, never love them like that again for the rest of their life. Don’t blame a man because he doesn’t want to keep disappointing himself, hoping one day you’ll be able to show your love to him, waiting for you to snap out of it and realize that YOU’RE probably the reason he’s unhappy and YOU’RE the reason most men feel so bad and so angry all the time. Keep neglecting their needs and yours and keep coming on here insulting them and wondering why your marriage isn’t working.

        Stone cold women don’t deserve a man that would die for them. It’s something that they can’t even take 5 seconds to greet him and act interested after he probably goes to a job he absolutely hates just to support them and the children. So keep telling yourself men are sissy’s and that most of you women don’t do anything wrong. I’ve noticed most women with kids treat their husbands horrible and have such a negative attitude all the time, but then wonder why he sits in his office all night and starts drinking the second he gets home from work and ignores you. It’s probably because he has felt ignored for years. So I hope your attitudes towards your husbands really helps your marriage out by how angry most of you women act.

        This makes me think that most of you know his unhappiness is mostly your fault. Most women hide behind attitudes to protect themselves, and their feelings, instead of just saying your feelings and having a connection that lasts a lifetime. You’ll all be lucky if he stays with you long enough for your kids to graduate 8th grade. Thanks for all your negative input. I hope you keep working OH SO HARD on your marriages because it seems like most of you women all have it figured out and obviously your degrading comments and your attitudes are helping out your marriage a whole bunch.

        The woman at the top of the page that said she’d pray for you because most of you seem like angry women, I have a lot of respect for her because probably me and her both realize that you’re all just angry because you know you do NOTHING to satisfy your husbands and you all know why they’re miserable. But you will not admit you’re wrong because most women don’t have that capability. Some do but most don’t. Just know you’re all being warned. You had your chance and obviously blew it with him. I’ll pray for all of you to seek guidance within yourselves or from outside sources before your attitudes, anger, and neglect ruin your marriages and your kid’s lives completely. Good job ruining all your daughters to neglect their husbands too. Keep the neglect chain going through the generations and show them the wrong way to treat a man.

  2. (CANADA) I feel deep pity for all women out there who feel they have to bend over backwards to make their “man” feel appreciated and loved… perhaps the reason he’s not feeling loved/respected is because he hasn’t earned it or deserves it… I am married to a selfish, self-centred jerk. I daily wish I could leave, but I stay to keep the family united, cause if I left I’m sure he would hook-up with some Loser and expose my children to everything I find inappropriate. In our marriage it’s not for better or worse… it’s keep your friends close and your enemies closer. I wish he would leave and meander to another woman, but no one else would take the idiot. And yeah, I was also an idiot, wearing blinders when we married. And please, don’t smear the good word, and think you’re going to improve on disastrous marriages/unions by spewing misapplied biblical passages.

    1. (USA)  Why are you worried about him picking a loser? He picked you. Or is that why you are worried about him picking a loser? Your words regarding your husband are not very loving, nor uplifting.

      It’s likely he has just as many valid reasons to be disenchanted with you as you do to be disenchanted with him. Yet all I read from you are his failings and faults. Would you want him to speak about you the way you speak about him?

      After reading what you say about your husband, I feel sorry for him and your children. They will learn to be as unloving as you are acting towards your husband. And the cycle continues. A wise person once told me that before I complain about another person, check my side of the equation to see what I can improve.

      Just this past Sunday, my pastor mentioned that instead of complaining and trying to change another person, lift that person up in prayer, and ask God to show us what we have to change. Since we can’t change another person, and it’s really God’s job to convict them, not mine, nagging and complaining demonstrate a lack of faith in God.

      So I recommend you ask God to convict each of you. Start looking at your own faults more than you look at your husbands, and heed God when He answers your prayer and shows you where you fall short. I’m sure you’ll have enough to do, just like every other human, that you will no longer have time to complain about your husband.

      1. (USA)  Tony, this is a very intelligent response. As I am facing some discouraging challenges in my own marriage I found what you said to be very encouraging. I am glad I came on this website.

      2. (SOUTH AFRICA) You are most probably male, hence your opinion! My husband had never cared for us and only worked when I could not since it is about his need for food. I have slaved for the last 15 years, 3 to 4 jobs at a time and no amount of reasoning and pointing out that he have responsibilities could change anything.

        We have a son and he does not care if there is food for him tonight. He will tell me if there is any shortage and I will have to get it (an ample amount at that) or make a plan to get it. He wants to live like a rich pensioner with no responsibilities other than doing what he think is worth his time. If there is no petrol we go to the garage and I have to fill up. The worst is he has no shame and no self respect. I refuse to be a victim and am only in this marraige because my son asked me to stay. If only he knew what he asked of me! I have accepted that this is how it is and it makes it more bearable ~ but I can tell you this ~ It is pure hell to live like this! So please if you are not having a similar situation have the wisdom keep quiet.

        1. (UNITED STATES) God bless you sweetheart… hang in there. Keep praying… I’ll send up a prayer for you, as well. You are quite the woman to sacrifice your happiness for the son. One day he will know what you did for him… and that’s priceless.

      3. Exactly right, Tony. Too many women are so negative and rude to their husndands and then they wonder why we act the way we do. Maybe it’s time for some neglecting, self-centered women take a look in the mirror.

    2. (USA)  Wow. I just came upon your comment and I felt like I was reading my life story. I TOTALLY agree with absolutely everything that you have said. I was just listening to the radio this morning, and they had this guy call in who said that he felt his wife was giving his two children too much attention so he went out and found another woman to take care of him. He’s been having this affair for 6 months and can’t understand why his wife who just found out won’t take him back since he is so sorry now. Seriously????????????

      I am a Christian but I feel a lot of Christian women really need to stop putting their men on pedastals and need to start taking care of themselves. Why does the husband have to be the center of a woman’s world? If a man wants attention then get involved with the family and the obsession with sex already. The longer you’re married, life changes and having sex with the husband is definitely NOT on the top of our to do lists.

      And for all of you who are going to slam my comment and have slammed Janet’s, keep your opinions to yourselves; you probably couldn’t survive a day in our shoes. Good luck, Janet.

      1. (SOUTH AFRICA)  Why does the husband have to be the center of a woman’s world?

        In my case, my wife used to be the center of mine, until all of the above happened. Our children are everything to her. I just happen to be standing more and more on the sideline. And somehow amongst everything, love between us has faded to mere duties.

        1. (USA) I agree with your comments! I was married for 4 years, 2 of them being absolutely great, while the last 2 was bananas. My wife’s son came home from living with his father and the wife lost her mind in over-doing it for him. Mind you he was a rising senior in high school, not an outgoing person, and pretty much relied on his mom for entertainment, which she at first resisted. She was more focused on him getting his school work together, which he really didn’t care about. I being the step-dad, was determined to be a positive role model for him and show him the love that his biological dad was not providing him. (Steps know that we have a certain “code” that we must adhere to.)

          Needless to say, my “big idea” failed miserably. He reminded me that I wasn’t his “dad.” And that his intent was to see his mother and I broken up. Well, that happened this year. She and I drifted apart and I started to notice that he was her “substitute” husband. I would try and speak with her and show her love to try and stop this, but again, I failed miserably. We went to counseling and the counselor told her that she and I needed to go out ALONE (oh yeah, the now 18 year old went everywhere we went… EVERYWHERE. I would ask my wife out and she would try and find a way to bring him along… ughhh!!). Well after the counselor told her that, he stated specifically, it is for you and your husband, not you and your son. Well she took him on our date and when I asked her about it she stated that we could still go, and that we don’t have to do everything the counselor said. I was devastated. This person that I loved so, literally took me out of the marriage and just wanted me to sit there and take it.

          So to those women that think the child has a place alongside of her and the husband is to remain silent and suffer in the background, you’re thinking crazy. If you show your husband love and show the kids unity, you will see your children and the marriage thrive. But if you place the children in front of your spouse (because it cuts both ways), prepare for divorce court, infidelity, and other problems. The MARRIAGE is between you and your spouse, not your child(ren). It made me feel completely unappreciated, disrespected, hurt, and any other emotion you can throw in. Women who think that the child is more important, are doing their spouses a disservice and abandoning the marriage. No, its not o.k. No, it’s not you being a supermom (dad), how about a loving spouse. If the kid doesn’t like it, he/she will evetually grow up and leave. That only happens though when you realize that they are children growing into adulthood.

          In the meantime, parents that treat them as adults, husbands or wives, will come too realize that they will not leave. WHY? Because they are now your make believe spouse. Your real spouse vowed to never leave you, but since you transferred that vow to your child, your estranged/former spouse wishes you and your new love well, while they deal with the rejection and exclusion you did to them. Love your spouse first.

  3. (USA)  These are excellent instructions to a wife focusing all her energy on the children. If only she would read this, but she won’t. If only she would comprehend it, but she won’t.

    So where does that leave me? I feel all of those feelings described in the article, but I have no way of implementing any change. Can anyone offer any help or hope?

    1. (USA)  Do you spend as much time taking care of your children as she does taking care of them? Do you clean their clothes, make sure they are fed and their homework is done and they’re brought to and from school, that their doctor appointments are up to date, etc? Do you take ownership in the raising of your children as much as she does?

      If she is taking on the majority of the responsibility in the raising of your children she has no time or energy left to give to you. A majority of men put a miniscule effort into the raising of their children compared to the woman.

      If she’s constantly saying she’s busy, maybe you should take on some of the responsibilities that she is shouldering. You want her to put the kids to bed early so she can spend time with you? Why was the first thing you did was to ask her to do this instead of doing it yourself?

      You want more time. She doesn’t have the time. Don’t ask her to make the time. Ask what you can do to help her get extra time.

  4. (USA)  Joe, Even in your own mind that you know that the trend is she will not address it. Why not manage your persona to EXPECT that she will accommodate and please you, knowing that you are doing your part in the marriage? When we think DONT and WONT in our mind, many times we transfer those emotions into the other party.

    1. (USA)  Daddy L, the honest answer to your question is that it hurts too much, and I have already exhausted myself trying to act the way you suggested. I used to expect that she would “accommodate me and please me.” But when it didn’t happen, I began to feel set aside and unimportant.

      I also did and continue to do everything I can think of to make sure I am not returning “evil for evil,” so to speak. I have taken the time to tell her what I would like to see from her. At first, she laughed it off and said she knew what I really wanted (sex). That really hurt because I never brought it up. But then I tried talking to her more and telling her how I really felt. She promised to do more, but never did anything.

      Then for Valentine’s Day that year she got me a card that said she loved me but was too busy to show it. That was over a year ago and it’s been all down hill since then. I’ve talked to her twice since then and both times she promised to do more. Finally, I invited her to counseling, but she quit after 3 sessions and never followed the counselor’s instructions. The counselor even said, Joe if she did these things (write notes, make time for you, be more affectionate, put the kids to bed a little early once in awhile so we could spend time together, etc.), would you like that, and I said yes. But she only did those things for maybe 2 weeks and then quit.

      This year for Valentine’s Day she did absolutely nothing. When I asked about it, she calmly said she thought about it but was too busy. I’m beginning to get the feeling that this marriage is over, and there isn’t anything I can do about it. Which is truly sad because we have 4 kids, and I don’t want them to get hurt. Marriage has turned out to be a disappointment.

      1. (USA)  Joe,

        It sounds bad. How can someone be “too busy to show it”? Its not all about sex, and it does not take that much time or focus, either. If it was a sham, perhaps it may take focus and a dedicated effort to think of you.

        Counseling for yourself may help you from getting depressed, and I know what it feels like to “not even be on her list”.

        It does sound like you are making her a priority, living up to your committments, surprising her, telling her nice remarks, giving her good attention, but you feel like it is not returned, nearly at all.

        Its a bad place to be, but realize you are not alone. Many describe this treatment as a form of torture. What if some of our spouses enjoyed it? How much longer should a marriage like that last?

        1. (USA)  I can hardly imagine that God would seriously force us to stay in a marriage like this. I was raised a Christian from birth and believe in God firmly. Unfortunately, I’m not liking this idea that marriage is permanent even when the other spouse doesn’t appear to want to be married. In my opinion, how she is treating me and acting in the marriage IS adultery, in that her attention is turned away from her spouse (me) to other things. After all, this is the most simplest form of idolatry and marriage is to be symbolic of our individual relationship with Christ. But even with logic on my side, I have the practical problem of kids, plus the fact that I do love her and would like to see this work. I do not want to drag my kids through separation/divorce, and I certainly do not want my kids to end up in her custody! So for now I feel like I’m stuck.

  5. (USA)  Joe,

    Keep taking her out, and doing what your supposed to do. Make sure you spend time enjoying yourself as well, and get someone you can talk to so you don’t get depressed.

    I just can’t imagine after so many guestures and participating with her and taking her to things she’s interested in, that there will be no reciprocation.

    1. (CANADA)  Joe, 4 kids puts a lot of strains in a family. Maybe you could hire a maid and take your wife out for a while. Maybe you could cook for the kids, put them to bed once in awhile, read the Bible to them, establishing a strict routine with them when YOU are in charge rather than your wife doing all the petty work with them. I am not saying that to put you down but it’s so ever true that men generally leave ALL chores related to children to the mom and they still get jealous when she is over carried away with them.

      I found my husband lazy with the kids. He ignores them, never reads the Bible to them, never prays for them or blesses them. And somehow he is surprised when I am worried about them being ignored by the most important person in their life. I try to compensate by giving them everything they want so that they won’t feel Dad’s passivity.

      It’s true that the majority of Dad’s decide not to care about a child’s need for affection. It’s questionnable whether they understand it or not.

      But a mom can never be a good dad, and men reading this article should be close to God themselves to understand that a mother doing that is just as well filling a gap. If a father is involved in a child ‘s life, he will NEVER complain about the mom’s involvement and will understand where her effrot goes and ultimately be able to redirect her overall on the matter and she will listen to her man.If on the contrary the Dad, is just a guy who sit on the fence waiting for dear wife to finish with the kids without any GENUINE involvement with them, please understand that there will be a gap…

      My husband is distant with our daugther since day one we came with her from the hospital and he cannot deal with his own insecutiries so he puts it on me, that I am too caring for her… what nonsense… with our son, he is more relaxed and trying to turn it into me and my son thing… I told him to stop being cold to our daughter he sais he is not, but he is never giving her a cuddle without me begging him to be nice, or even speaking good words on her life… I find it really immature of him and I deliberately ignore him for the sake of the children. He has an issue, and I strongly believed it’s nothing to so with me and our children.

      1. (USA)  AXE, The article is about wives who fail to put their husbands before the children. Somehow, you are turning this into it being the husband’s fault. Instead of complaining about what your or any husband does or doesn’t do, why not focus on the thesis of the article and support the men who have expressed legitimate complaints here?

        Instead of complaining about what your husband does or doesn’t do, or compare it to what you provide, be grateful that he provides something different. Just as a mom is a poor substitute for a dad, a dad is a poor substitute for a mom.

        If I were to follow your logic, I could say, “If a mom was involved in her children’s life, she would never complain about her husband’s involvement…” Since you complain about your husband… Perhaps you would like to reconsider your stance?

        1. (CANADA)  My point is, Godly, genuine Men of God, NEVER complain or feel isolated about their wife being TOO involved with their children. Please people, be sincere with yourselves… as men of God and as husbands, as you should. Feeling low, and jealous and miserable because the wife is too involved with the children is a sign that there is a deeper problem that has nothing to do with the children.

        2. (USA)  Axe, read your own words- “Godly… men NEVER complain or feel isolated about their wife being TOO involved with their children.” “Feeling low, and jealous and miserable because the wife is TOO involved with the children is a sign that there is a deeper problem”

          The key word is ‘TOO’. These husbands are not saying “Stop giving the kids all your attention, give it to me instead (instead of 100%-0%, switch to 0%-100%)”; they’re not saying “I want as much attention as you give the kids (100%-100% is too much for anyone to give of themselves)”; they’re just asking for a fair shake.

          Also, we’re not talking about men who are jealous of their children’s NEEDS- we’re talking about situations where men who are jealous when their wives make the conscious decision to lavish love and attention on their children above and beyond what it would take to satisfy their emotional needs, and who do so at the expense of the husband.

          I see many wives get very defensive on this topic, saying their husbands are selfish or immature for feeling neglected; and generally, many people agree with them, saying they should “man up” or something. That’s easy to say when you’re talking about a grown man, because it’s easy not to feel sympathy for a grown man. Since you obviously can’t ‘put yourself in his shoes’ and try to relate to his feelings, maybe I can put it in a way that will help you see it differently.

          Take the case of Bob and Jennifer. Bob had grown increasingly jealous of Megan since her birth a little over 5 years earlier. When she was a newborn and a toddler, Bob understood how Megan NEEDED more attention- dirty diapers, feeding, soothing- Megan always NEEDED something, but Bob always understood- in fact, he even tried to help with Megan as much as he could, in his own, clumsy way. He would have been more helpful, but there were some things Megan needed her mother for that he simply couldn’t provide.

          In those early years, Megan’s needs seemed nearly constant- feeding, bathing, changing, soothing, nurturing. But Bob begrudged Megan none of that, partly because he loved her, too, but mostly because he was rational enough to understand that Megan’s needs were greater than his. And he still tried to be as helpful as he could, however he could, even though Jennifer often belittled or questioned the effectiveness of his help. Many times, he began to feel like the best help he could give Jennifer was simply to stay of her way when it came to Megan.

          He knew Jennifer would never be able to provide him the same level of attention or do as many things with him as he had grown accustomed to before Megan came along, but he accepted it because he knew her needs outweighed his own. He also thought that eventually, as Megan got older and had fewer primal needs, things would start to even out, that there’d be a point where he no longer felt like he was in a competition for Jen’s affection, so he bided his time.

          However, as the years went on and Megan’s needs diminished, nothing changed for Bob. Even after Megan’s needs were met (including non-physical needs, like human love/interaction/play time), and even after Jennifer had some ‘down time’ to relax, the amount of attention she gave him barely rose. Jennifer was never playful with him anymore, but if Megan wanted to play “Barbies”, Jennifer was right there. Or, if Megan wanted to have some ‘mommy’ time on a Saturday, they were off- to the mall to shop, or maybe to have tea and coffee, or whatever. And it wasn’t as though Bob didn’t give Megan any attention- he played with her, too, and he also loved her. He taught her how to tie her own shoes shortly after her 5th birthday. He just couldn’t understand- when he wasn’t spending time with Megan or busy doing something else, he yearned to spend more than 5 minutes of quality time with Jennifer. But on the other hand, and what really hurt, was that 90% of whatever time or energy Jennifer had left over after attending to Megan’s needs, was still spent on Megan!

          And even when they spent time together, it wasn’t the same- on some level, he could sense Jennifer’s disinterest; their time together seemed obligatory, instead of joyful and fun, like Jennifer’s heart just wasn’t in it. Sometimes it made him angry. “Did I stop mattering to you the day Megan was born?!” he wanted to yell sometimes. Sometimes it made him sad. “I stopped mattering to her the day Megan was born, and when I try to tell her how I feel, she tells me how selfish I am for feeling that way about Megan; then I feel shame and guilt.”

          Eventually, he began to withdraw from Jennifer; he stopped wanting to ‘do things togther’, or seek her attention/approval.Even so, Bob still didn’t really resent 5-yr-old Megan; he might have been jealous of all the time and attention her mother lavished on her, but he wasn’t mad at her about it. He truly did love her, as much as any 11-yr-old boy could love a little sister.

          He doubtless would have become a bitter, angry young man, had it not been for his father’s love. When he was 5, he could remember his mother Jennifer taking him on trips to the candy store, and then they’d stop at this little place and have hot cocoa together on the way home; now, whenever she was all about taking little Megan on a ‘girl’s day out’, Dad would wait ’til they were gone and say “Hey, son, why don’t we order some pizza and cokes, play some catch in the back yard, then sit down and watch the game together after it gets here?”

          Even though his Dad had always played with him and done things with him in the past, now he started to fill the gap previously occupied by his mother. Make no mistake, Bob still loved his mother with all his heart; but loving someone and feeling close to someone don’t always go hand-in-hand, and that’s the path his feelings started to take somewhere between ages 6-7.

          And by the time he was 11 and Megan was 5, that’s how it was; Jennifer was ‘Mother’, not ‘Momma’; he respected her, he obeyed her (mostly), and he loved her, the same way he loved Dad and Megan; but he didn’t feel close to her. And before he turned 12, he was no longer jealous of Megan, because he no longer yearned for his mother’s love and affection, why would he? His mother had abandoned him; had packed up all her love, attention and affection and left him.

          But he didn’t become a mean, bitter young man, because his Dad loved him, and taught him how to accept the tough things life throws at you; taught him to accept, forgive, and forget. Bob didn’t have a complex understanding of it all, he just knew “That’s the way Mom is”, and loved her anyway.

          Not long after he turned 13, he heard Megan say “Momma, Hello Kitty and I are having a tea party in my room, do you wanna come?” After she had awakened from her nap, she had been playing peek-a-boo with baby Patrick for the last 20 minutes after feeding and changing him; she kept looking at Patrick as she hollered over her shoulder “Not today, Megan, I don’t have time”. Sitting on the couch, Bob had glanced over at this; he saw Megan’s eyes drop to the floor. He go up and walked over to her and said quietly, so as to not make a big deal of it, “Hey, sis, it’ll be 20 minutes before I have to go to basketball practice- can I join the party?”

          And ten minutes later, as Megan was making small talk with Strawberry Shortcake about how her day had been and he, with his head down pretending to sip from a small teacup, was thinking about how now he was the one playing with a child who had been discarded when a new one came along, he raised his head up as it him. Those feelings of hurt and rejection he had felt for so long- he wasn’t the first. He remembered all those times his Dad had looked that way over the years after talking to Mother, and realized his dad had been having the same feelings; he just never recognized it for what it was before now. “Daddy’s loved Momma all these years,” he thought “and he loved me too- even after I took his place with Momma”. In fact, I don’t think he’s ever loved either of us any less.” And at that moment he thought to himself, after never having had a thought about it one way or another before, “My Daddy is a strong man…”

        3. (USA)  I whole heartedly agree. It is always the man’s fault, whether it is or not. I guess that women don’t think that men have feelings as well. What they don’t address is that if we answered the questions like they did, they would be offended. “How dare you put the children ahead of me?” Genuine women of God know that children are temporary members of the family & the by-product of the ordination of marriage by God (Genesis 2:24).

        4. (CANADA) I’m sorry but my children come first… never mind, men. Husbands can come and go, but my babies are my life! I went though 9 hours of pain giving birth to my baby girl. I almost died. She is my flesh and blood. She is innocent and pure. She was a helpless, a defenseless child and some grown adult 6 ft man is going to be jealous of her? A mother’s job is to protect her child. A man’s job is not to be jealous but to protect his family, meaning his children too. But if he can’t, there’s no place for him in my life!

          He had his time with his mother. Was it that your father was jealous of you? Men need to do the house work too. Again, marriage will never work if the man doesn’t step up. If a man ignores my children I will ignore him too! Children should always come first. They didn’t ask to be born! The man planted the baby in world, so grow up be an adult. Put your children to bed, cook for them, do their laundry, help them with their school work -be a parent, then you’ll see your wife thinking you’re a great dad, and the relationship would be great! If not, there is no need for a man to be in my life. I can find better companionship with another woman… also sue him for childsupport… no loss there!

  6. (CANADA)  A preacher once said, Husbands, your wives are not your mothers… I wondered why he said that until I got married myself.

    1. (USA)  I think he was talking to the wives too. After all (using the same sort of broad generalization you used above) the majority of wives don’t respect their husbands, calling them an additional child instead of respecting them as the adult and partners they are.

      So it’s a two way street, wives, stop treating your husbands as if they are another child that needs to be trained. Start FOLLOWING your husbands instead of trying to mold him like you are your children.

      I really do believe the preacher here was talking to both husbands and wives. It was to tell husbands to not let their wives keep considering them children, and for wives to stop denigrating their husbands by treating them as children.

  7. (USA)  I can only say that this article is very good and any married women should pay heed to it. I was abandoned (emotionally) by my wife. My marriage is over and all I can do now is to strongly encourage women to pay attention to their husbands and understand that they are much more sensitive/complex than they sometimes appear to be at first glance.

  8. (USA)  My husband has a very abrasive personality and makes it very difficult to get close. I remember at one point in time, years ago, thinking to myself “at least my kids love me.” It was then that I poured myself into being their mom. I still loved my husband, but felt as long as I was being a faithful wife, good mother, good home maker and “putting out” that he was content.

    It was only recently, after 21 years of marriage that he admitted to me that he resents our three kids for taking the attention and affection away from him. It had been apparent to me for years in the way he withdrew from our family and the angry way he treated the kids, but for him to admit it, leaves me at a loss on how to move forward.

    Our kids are my life and because of his lack of an emotional connection with them, I have always apologized for his bad behaviour and tried to make them see that he does love them. This however is not my responsibility – it is his to make things right with them.

    1. (USA)  It’s also your job to get closer to your husband. You said it yourself, you got closer to your kids and and further from your husband.

      Your husband has shared his honest feelings. He resents that you’ve poured more into your kids than you have into your relationship with him.

      Just as you contend his decision has cost the kids, so has yours. You kids have been denied a picture of how God intended marriage. God first, spouse second, kids after that.

      If your children are still at home, you still have a chance to display the proper model. Don’t blame it all on your husband. You too are playing your part in this destructive demonstration.

      1. (NIGERIA)  I’m sorry, but I have read many of Tony’s replies on several articles on this blog. Tony, you seem to be very one sided in your opinions. It’s all about defending the men folk. This is not a gender war and you cannot keep invalidating the feelings of the women who have things (not so positive) to say about their husbands. Granted they (the women) are not perfect, but that does not excuse the behaviours or attitudes they question. Plus I don’t see anyone claiming to be perfect.

        I know you had a bad experience with your ex, but sometimes we need to look inward. You could not have been completely blameless, even though that might be painful for you to hear.

        Not every woman on this blog is your ex-wife. So please try to show more empathy for the issues they seek counsel for instead of sounding judgmental and cynical. These are valid issues and should not be swept aside to accomodate your cynical attitude to the women folk. You come off as chauvinistic. Give it a rest already!! God bless

        1. (USA)  I agree, it’s not one sided. That’s why I write to provide the OTHER side of issues. Many of these articles focus ONLY on what the husband is doing wrong, with little or no consideration that the wife may ALSO (notice I said also, not only) be engaged in behavior that damages her marriage.

          Please read carefully what I suggested to Jillian. I clearly said don’t pass ALL the blame to her husband. Since she’s the one here, the only behavior she has any control over is his. He presented legitimate complaints. She can choose to address them, or ignore them.

          I’m sorry you are unable to see my balance as what it is. Perhaps you are the one who is cynical since you totally missed what I’ve been saying, and only appear to find fault with the balance I’ve provided.

  9. (USA)  I am sorry, but this is pathetic. Both the husband and wife should be putting the children first… I could not stand a husband who whines about not getting enough attention because his kids get it. What, I may ask, is his relationship like with his kids? Grow up do not expect your wife to treat you like a child. Man up, and realize that the kids do come first, and that does not mean she loves you any less. Yeesh.

    1. (USA)  You hit the nail on the head, Miranda. I have been saying this to my husband for years now! He constantly cries to his friends that he doesn’t get enough attention and even told me after the birth of our 3rd child that he’s jealous of the kids. I think that men need to grow up and accept the responsibilities of fatherhood just like we do as mothers and deal with the fact that all of your wants aren’t going to be met while there are children in the mix. Grow up already guys! The children are a blessing from God meant for us to enjoy for only a short amount of time so stop complaining about them already! Kids do come first a while and you’re right when you say that it doesn’t mean we don’t love our husband anymore. And by the way. My husband has a TERRIBLE relationship with our kids.

      1. (UNITED STATES)  Kim, I used to feel that our kids should come first until I heard what Dr. James Dobson said on the subject. He said that God should come first, our spouse second, and our kids third. His reasoning is that is is super important for the children to have parents that love, honor, and cherish each other, and model that in front of their children.

        After all, that’s what we vowed to do when we got married is to love, honor, and cherish each other. Yes, our kids deserve love, support, and attention from both parents, but that should not come at the expense of our marriages through neglecting our spouses.

        1. (USA)  Not to mention, you don’t end up with self-entitled kids if you model for them the importance of putting another person first, such as your spouse. The danger of putting your kids first is they don’t learn to put others first because they’ve always been first.

          Putting your spouse first does not equal neglecting your kids. In fact, it’s the opposite, it’s ensuring you have the most stable foundation for your children. Two parents who love God and love one another.

          Any other model, such a putting kids before our spouses leads to trouble.

        2. (USA) @ Barry, what exactly do you mean when you suggest to a woman to put her husband ahead of her children? Explain yourself.

          Use this scenario: A couple has a 3 month old, a 2 year old toddler, a 7 year old and a 14 year old. Just how do you suggest to a woman to put her husband first, in this scenario? Incidentally, she is breastfeeding and does all the house work and cooking, and laundry too. Any man can join in and give his method on this. I am serious.

        3. (USA) Jean,

          The 7 and 14 year olds should be becoming somewhat self sufficient. My 14 year old does her own laundry, makes her lunch for school, gets up on time, does her homework without requiring that I’m a helicopter parent always jumping in if she has issues.

          That’s because I started her with helping me on these sorts of things when she was younger. So much of the burden you mention can and should be taken by the older children.

          The advice to put your spouse first, husband or wife, doesn’t mean you let your children starve. It means your first priority is to make sure that you and your spouse are taken care of. The analogy is what you hear when you fly. During the pre-flight safety briefing, they mention that if there is sudden drop in cabin pressure, you put your mask on first before you put the mask on your child.

          If there is a family crisis, you don’t say, I can’t help I have all these kids. You say kids, your father needs some help, so if you can’t arrange a ride for soccer practice, you’ll have to miss it.

          That’s how you put your spouse first. When they need you, you are there. Time with them goes on the calendar FIRST. They are the first part of your day, before you get sucked into mommy mode. Whatever it takes to make sure that your husbands needs are met. (And husbands need to do this for their wives too, but in the case of husbands, it’s often work first when it should be the wife.)

    2. (USA)  Miranda, your statement is not Biblical at all. God –parents– children. That is the proper order per Ephesians Chapter 5 thru 6. You missed the point of the article completely. God comes first, wife or husband second, children third, and your favorite TV show fourth… It is because society has this mixed up, that we have such a high divorce rate. How do you or did you feel when your husband would put other things above you, repeatedly??? I know how you feel or felt, because I too have made this mistake. It feels terrible. Having said that I have 5 children whom I love and cherish…

      1. (USA)  But that makes no sense. If my husband is trying to seduce me, and the baby cries and I have to nurse him… it goes baby first, then religious views, then husband. What you said sounds great… but it doesn’t work in real life. If my husband cannot accept that I have no energy to look good for him, please him, etc… then pffft!

        It’s not all about us anymore… it’s about the kids too. Soon they will be grown and gone. By the way, my hubby and I have an outstanding relationship. He does wish for more sex… what I want from him is more quality time that is not sexual. We try our best to do both. I am not saying that I ignore him… but he understands that the days of me being bedraggled…and coming home to me smelling like spit up and still in my pjs are numbered. He knows it will pass. I am not going to stress myself out trying to appease him when I have small kids at home.

      2. (USA) @Jerry, society has also told men to threaten adultery if their wives do not give sex on each demand. That is not Biblical. But you men still subscribe to this doctrine. Also this mess about telling a woman after she has gained weight, that she is no longer attractive to her husband, is not Biblical either. But you men do this to women too. So you see, Barry, men are just as responsible as women to make a marriage work. She cannot drop the baby in the tub to come to rub on you! That is child abuse.

        And as soon as you all get a divorce, the male chauvenist judge will try to give you custody when you haven’t done a darned thing to help raise those children. It seems that you men are selfish and do not care about thse children, the way some of you all talk. It’s really scary and sounds like Satan talk, when a man tells his wife to ignore the babies for his sake. HOW COULD A MAN THINK LIKE THIS, unless he is of the same mind as something evil?

        You all are not perfect either. Now stop scolding women and stop trying to weaken these poor already worn down women, who read these male dominated blogs. Read the word of God. Join your wife and spend time away from the football games and the fishing hole and play with your children and smile and rub your wife’s shoulder. You will see a reciprocation of affection. It was not designed for men to sit back in the easy chair with his burger and the remote, while the wife cooks and takes care of the children, while you men complain and nag your wives. A woman is not a robot. She is a human being made by God. Put on your big boy bloomers and grow up!!

    3. (USA)  I am sorry, but, you are wrong. The Word of God clearly gives us the order in which our priorities should be… As I believe someone has already mentioned… God 1st, Spouse 2nd. Children do come after that. Granted there is a time when small children will NEED more care. I believe most husbands are sensible & caring enough to realize this. As a matter of fact as parents they too should be providing all they can to meet those NEEDS.

      But children grow up & move on with life to leave & cleave with someone themselves as God intends. When this takes place the importance you placed on putting your spouse in the correct place in your list of priorities will make all the difference. After all, that is the person you vowed till death do we part.

      1. (USA) @ Joseph, that is so tacky a statement. This is not a competition. That is so unfair to say that to women. That’s why women have gotten that sick and fed up attitude. It’s because of you men using those unfair statements like that. Women are sick and tired of reading that little boy cliche that you men use, over and over and over and over again. It is of evil origins. It is not what a Christian husband should do. How sad of you to suggest that.

        And further Joseph, while you are scolding women to put their husbands first, because as you men say, it is Biblical, in the same voice, you all are telling women that you all will commit adultery and run to other women. Do you see the contradiction and hypocrisy here? You are telling women to follow the word of God, yet you are scolding and threatening women that you will run and commit adultery with other woman if they do not put you all first. Are you serious Joseph?

        1. (USA) Jean, you are reading too much into what I said. I wasn’t referring to adultery committed by the husband, or the husband threatening to do so.

          I only meant – such an attitude opens the door to many other attitudes. It basically says I don’t respect you that much. Eventually all these attitudes will break down the marriage. Then there’s a chance that when the man re-marries, he will this time do it with a woman who has other priorities. You live and learn.

        2. (USA) Jean,

          The way I read what Joseph said was in light of the fact that 2/3rd to 3/4s of all divorces are sought by women, not men. The majority are not sought because of some bad behavior on the part of the husband.

          The point is, if a wife puts her children before her husband, it won’t be too long until she says why have him around. I’ll divorce him, take 1/2 the stuff, maybe some child support and I won’t be bothered with him.

          When you look at the facts, that’s the majority of divorces that occur. (Not to take away from the few who actually do have misbehaving husbands.)

          If wives are so willing to discard perfectly good husbands because they are tired of them, there are other women out there ready and willing to take on such good men.

          That’s what I got out of what Joseph said.

  10. (UNITED STATES)  I just had this discussion with my best friend. The problem I have with women putting their mates first is that the children are neglected. First, should be God, and then together you help with the children. Many children are dead today from this very thing. There has to be balance; they both should put the children first and make sure they take time out for each other.

    He should not be that needy that he does not understand that he helped to bring the children here and until they are good and grown and stable, he may have to put his needs to the side. If he can’t then they should not have children.

    I have been married 14 years and my sweetheart husband had to work and so did I. But we have a rule; we take our vacations together but the rest of our time is dedicated to God and the children. I hope fathers understand that the sacrifice made is not a bad thing but a thing, that you can look back on one day, and say I did something in this life. I created good citizens in this world. Also, Jesus teaches us to look out for each other and not to have selfish ways. A marriage involves teamwork and adults need to recognize what they need to do.

    1. (USA) It’s Biblical to put spouse before children. A man and woman become one flesh, not a woman and child. Child-centered marriages often fail at empty nest time. Mine did, sadly.

  11. (UNITED STATES) I agree with Jillian, on how you move on. He needs to apologize to the children. They had nothing to do with what you did. What kind of father has that kind of selfish mentality to act that way? Those children need a father, not someone who acts like that.

    I had that problem. I let him know he needed to fix the problem of distance between his children and learn to talk more and let me know because he was the one that acted like he did not need us.

    So life goes on. You have to tap in and tell people how you feel. Women are not mind readers and it is not fair to put that burden on us. We are not their moms. We are their wives. Where is their mental support for us?

    I am done with men not coming up to par and always blaming us for their short comings. Moms can’t shut down, but men do it all the time. Keep your head up and don’t blame yourself. Make him own up to his mess.

    1. (UNITED STATES)  The same kind of father has to deal with women, with that same kind of attitude. Don’t you know that today, women are killing more children than pedophiles? And really, you don’t know what the woman has done to make a man react in the way that he has or the way that he is acting. Moms shut down as much as you want to claim men do.

      If you see your husband always spending time with the kids, you would complain, too! You would think that something is wrong with you if he didn’t make an effort to do some things for you. But, then we have to man up, because we want to have some time with the one we took our vows with?

      Truthfully speaking, I have been mentally supportive to a wife & an ungrateful step daughter who have done nothing but complain, when they know that they would’ve never experienced the type of life that they have without me. My wife puts unrealistic time into my step daughter, even though she’s not deserving of any of the things she has received. While you say “Make him own up to his mess”, I find it hard for her to own up to hers. She would rather play victim for the bad decisions that she has made. Everything was all right, until she had to reap the harvest of seeds that she planted; now, it’s woe is me & I have to try to sort this garbage, when all she had to do is listen & receive what I had been saying all along.

      Now the step daughter is pregnant & STILL disrespecting me in my house, while her mother is trying to make things better for her. So, you can kill all that “where is their mental support for us”. Some of you could have all of the support in the world & STILL find something to complain about.

      1. (USA) The only support towards your wife that you mentioned was financial support. This “type of life” wouldn’t be the same. They’re in YOUR house? It sounds as if you have confused emotional and mental support with financial support because that is the only support that you mention.

        Seems like a lot of men think that financial support us equal to support… period. I’ve heard so many men talk about support and go on to explain how they have been supportive and it’s always financial.

        If I knew all I needed to do to be an “equal” part in a relationship was to pay the bills, that all the work I did in the relationship was PAID WORK, I wouldn’t hesitate to choose to be the “husband” in the relationship.

  12. (ZAR)  I think husband must come to the ball with having kids. I mean really, a grown up man should know that kids need attention. A grown up man will know that kids need care because children cannot do anything for themselves. Parents are there to help them. I agree with Miranda, children must be very important. Let me put it this way, if you keep neglecting your children’s needs for your husband constantly, then your children will also feel neglected. The problem with fathers is that they don’t want to help bring up the kids. They say it’s the mom’s job; that’s why they feel neglected.

    1. (UNITED STATES)  I help my daughter with her homework EVERYDAY. I am the one who spent the first year with my daughter when she was born. I knew that little girl better than my wife & step daughter. I’m the one who pays MOST of the bills & ALL of the major ones (mortgage, etc.). I’m the one who sacrifices sleep to work two jobs for bills that we BOTH caused, while she feels like she should delegate who cleans what.

      If I’m doing all that I’m doing for the house, then, NO, you’re not going to tell me to clean (when you have an able body daughter that hugs the phone all day, because you have taught her to disrespect me by circumventing my authority IN FRONT OF HER). I’m not splitting 1/2 of the house work, when I have to do 95% of bill paying & then lose sleep over making sure that you all have what you need!

      You don’t split 1/2 of these bills & conveniently tell me that that’s a man’s job, yet, you don’t want to take time out with me & give me left over time! I give you my FULL TIME (and take MY weekends that I could be resting to pour into the family) & I can’t get the same respect? But, we’re not supposed to feel neglected, because we’re men, right? I’ll let you tell it.

  13. (AUSTRALIA)  All the people here who believe children should come first are seriously lacking intelligence. First of all, your spouse CHOSE you, and chose to be with you. They chose you to be the one who they will share this gift -the child. Without that person, this gift which you hold so dear, would never exist in the first place. How can you place more importance on a gift, than the person who honored you with that special gift in the first place? It is not justified.

    Secondly, placing your spouse above your child does not equal abusing or neglecting your child. Anyone who neglects their child regardless of what their priorities, are not fit to be parents. Children need to learn respect for parents and their boundaries. This smothering of children in the current generation where parents are constantly attending to their every whim is creating this generation of overly spoiled brats.

    For the women who think men are being immature for wanting more affection, then perhaps you are not fit to be a wife. Perhaps you only ever intended to marry to have children, and not to actually be this man’s wife. The ignorance of some women here disgusts me, and I pity the husbands you have or will have in the future.

    Just remember -Your husbands were there before your children, throughout the raising of your children, and if you’re lucky, after your children go away, and don’t need you anymore. Placing your children first is not only selfish, but it’s stupid, and inconsiderate to the man who has given you everything, only to be put second best in the end.

    Maybe it’s time YOU grew up.

    1. (UNITED STATES) Even though I am not married yet, as a man I do believe that a spouse should come first and based on what I read so far on this subject, a wife putting her husband first doesn’t harm children, in fact it actually benefits children themselves. Again this is not me talking, it’s a testimony of a woman who talked about how her mom loving her dad the most actually made them to be the best parents.

      Personally, my mom loves me more than she loves my dad, and even though my dad loves me and values me more than his life, he nevertheless loves my mom more.

      I find it annoying to see my mom value me over my dad, when it is my dad because of whom she had the joy of motherhood. Yes, a mom carries a child for 9 months and gives birth after 9 hours or something. But don’t forget ladies, that even a man who has a unique bond to his children in ways he can never have with his wife, if he ends up loving the kids more than you, then don’t complain if you are one of those type of women that do.

      The child is a part of him, not only you. So if you love that child more with one of the reasons being because it’s a part of you that you see growing in in your body, keep one thing in mind also it’s also a part of your husband growing in there, as well.

      My mom never worked outside the home a single day of her life. It was my dad who has been working blood and sweat all his life supporting us. It has been my dad who was taking care of us (me and my second born sister, I’m the firstborn) when my mother was in the hospital with the thirdborn baby girl my parents had.

      I will and do love my mom more than any one else in the whole world besides our Triune God, but nevertheless I STRONGLY BELIEVE THAT MY DAD DESERVES TO BE PUT FIRST AND LOVED THE MOST.

      I can probably go on and maybe some of the things I have said are irrelevant, but I don’t care, since I have felt like venting to an extent.

      I don’t mind if my wife loves the children more than me, but nevertheless I do pray and want my wife to love me second to the children at least! But if asked by me as a husband who gave my wife the greatest source of happiness on earth, which is the joy of having offspring, I deserve to be equally loved.

      May the Lord Jesus bless you all and grant us the conviction and capacity to follow His Ways as He sees fit in all aspects of our lives, and may we as well do all that He desires us to do. Amen!

      1. (UNITED STATES) Actually I’m glad to find out that my mom actually loves my dad more than us kids. So I do correct my previous error and am glad to know I was wrong and that’s how it should be. I understand women who have kids initially love them the most that’s natural, but overtime they should realize it was because of their man why their motherhood came into existence and should eventually learn to love the husband more!

  14. (USA)  I find it interesting that all the thoughts of what you can do to help a failing marriage is completely obscured by who you put first. None of what you suggested was even considered by the complete opposition to your guidance. I would ask those that oppose your suggestions, why did you they children in the first place? What happens after the children leave the nest? Is that when you decide to love your mate again? Is marriage a spiritual bond between a man and a woman or a means to have offspring?

    1. (UNITED STATES) I believe the Lord did create marriage for either one another (men and women) so in this case spouses should love each other the most OR the Lord created marriage primarily for the purpose of offsprings, in which case both parents should put children first.

      If the later is true, then men, lets put our children first and if our wives would have a problem with this, then so be it. Generally, women do exactly that.

  15. (USA)  You know – it’s funny reading this stuff. Certainly good stuff. I am looking at this website now because my wife completely makes me feel unimportant! I feel as if she could read this page and it’d would not register. I want to leave her, which would be the biggest mistake ever. If I bring anything up, it is all about her stress, as if I have none myself. I am really put out right now.

    She spends too much time making things perfect for the kids and the house, yet makes me feel like a bother. Do not even mention that 3 letter word either. I can see why men just prefer to stay at work and hang out with the buddies. This is affecting my judgement too. Right now, there are things I do not want to do with her because I know sooner or later I will snap and say something.

    OK, I’ve ranted enough now. I could write a book but it would not be a good one.