How does it make a man feel when his wife puts their children ahead of him? We posed that question to a group of men. Their most common answers are listed below:
1. Insignificant and disrespected
Most replied that they felt a deep lack of respect from not only their wives, but from their children. “Respect is important to a man, and he doesn’t feel that when the children consistently come first,” said one man.
2. Unloved
Most men, unlike most women, associate love with actions instead of with feelings. When a woman places her children above her husband, her actions say to him that she loves the children more than she loves him. Though not as vocal about it as women, men desire to be deeply loved by their wives. It is difficult for a man to see his wife cherish the children, but treat him in a cool or casual manner.
3. Lonely
One of the man’s greatest needs is companionship, and he usually expects to find this in his relationship with his wife. “As my wife pours more and more of her life into being a mother, she pours less and less of it into being my wife,” said one man. “The friend I once had in my wife is now a friend to our children, but a stranger to me.” The lonelier a man becomes, the more vulnerable he is to outside temptation. Is your husband lonely because of the time you spend with your children? Are you in any way making him more vulnerable to the attentions of other women?
Also, When Children Are Prioritized Ahead of a Husband, He Feels:
4. Unappreciated
Men appreciate being appreciated! Many men feel that their wives show greater appreciation to their children than they do to them. “If our daughter goes to a friend’s for the night, my wife misses her terribly,” said one husband. “When she comes home the next morning, my wife is ecstatic to see her and acts as if she’s been gone forever. I can be gone for days on a business trip, and my wife acts like I never left. Sometimes she even seems to resent my return home.” Does your husband know how important he is to you and how much you value him? Are you an appreciative wife?
5. Resentful and Angry
Though not a majority, some men stated that when their wives put their children first, they felt a sense of resentment and anger; some felt this way toward their children, others toward their wives. “My fifteen-year-old son walks through the door and my wife immediately asks abut his day or rubs his back if he’s tired. She pampers him constantly. I find myself resenting him, even though I know it isn’t his fault.” Is your husband frustrated or even jealous of your relationship with your children? Could it be that he feels left out or overlooked?
IDEAS ON THIS ISSUE OF CHILDREN AND THEIR PRIORITY:
Maybe you’re sensing that you need a major overhaul in this area, or perhaps just some fine-tuning. Regardless, here are some ideas to consider:
1. Think positive thoughts.
For every positive thought you have of your children, think of two for your husband. Begin noticing the many things he does. Perhaps he sees to it that the house is locked up every night or helps you replace light bulbs. Men enjoy praise!
2. Give him the benefit of the doubt.
Often this comes easily with our children, but is more difficult with our husbands. Grant him the same gracious generosity that you so readily give your kids.
3. Be spontaneous.
Surprise him once a week with a random act of kindness. One woman recently discovered that her husband liked a slushy drink from a local convenience store. She began buying them for him. “He loves it when I do this. It’s such a simple thing to do, and lets him know I’m thinking about him.”
4. Invest in his stock.
Share with your children things you admire about their father. This lets them see how important your marriage is to you. Though it’s been said dozens of times, the way Mom sees Dad is the greatest influencer of how the children see him. Do this with others as well. Many women excel at communicating their children’s strengths, but not their husband’s.
One woman pointed out that often friends will talk about their children in glowing terms, but when they talk about their husbands, they tend to talk about their weaknesses and inabilities. If you do this, stop! Commit to sharing with others only those things that build your husband up. Words are infectious and should be chosen wisely.
5. Make your bedroom a haven.
Too often this is the catchall room. Make an effort to keep it clean, organized, and inviting. One woman bought a small love seat and placed it in the master bedroom. This is where she and her husband spend a few moments together once they’ve gotten in the door at the end of the day. It shows their children that they value each other’s company as well. Burn a fragrant candle so that the room smells inviting and warm.
6. Cater to his quirks.
Many times we think our children’s quirks are cute but our husband’s are obnoxious. One woman discovered that her husband liked his sheets changed often, yet she preferred going longer between changings. “I fought this for years,” she said. “I thought he was being too obsessive. One day my daughter asked why I ignored her father’s request for clean sheets but always changed hers whenever she asked. I was shocked. This was something I didn’t even realize I was doing. I suddenly saw that I was not only dismissing one of my husband’s rare requests, but I was also modeling wrong priorities for my daughter.”
7. Check your attitude.
Said one woman, “I was stunned one night when my husband told me that he wished I had the same attitude toward him that I had toward the kids. From his perspective, I bent over backward for them. I ran all over town to find my daughter the right dress or my son the right tennis shoes. But he said that if he asked me to stop at the hardware store and pick up a gallon of paint, I balked.” Our attitudes speak volumes to our husbands.
8. Pray for your husband.
This tip could go in every chapter. There is nothing like prayer to soften your heart and sharpen your focus.
9. Reintroduce pet names into your relationship.
Refrain from calling him “Dad” or Daddy.” Choose instead to call him by a name that shows your love and high regard for him as a husband.
Your husband may or may not respond as you re-prioritize your relationships. It really isn’t an issue, though, if you are doing it to honor God. Certainly it’s nice for him to notice and appreciate your efforts, but it isn’t necessary. God notices.
This article comes from the book, The Politically Incorrect Wife: God’s Plan for Marriage Still Works Today
Excerpted from The Politically Incorrect Wife © 2000-2002 by Nancy Cobb and Connie Grigsby. Used by permission of Multnomah Publishers, Inc. Excerpt may not be reproduced without the prior written consent of Multnomah Publishers, Inc.
— ADDITIONALLY, CONCERNING CHILDREN & YOUR HUSBAND —
Here’s an article we recommend you read on this issue:
• FIND OUT WHY YOUR SPOUSE SHOULD COME FIRST
— PLUS —
We strongly recommend that you read the following linked article that is related, written by Gary Thomas:
• THE DANGER (TO OUR KIDS) OF A DISTANT MARRIAGE
Filed under: Childrens Effect on Marriage For Married Women
(TRINIDAD & TOBAGO) My first wife died after giving birth to our fifth child. The first was only ten. I managed to bring them up on my own for the next five years. I got married again, not for the sake of the children; I was doing just fine on my own. I desired companionship for my self. Of course I knew that my new wife would want some say regarding my children. In time I realised that although she loved me a lot my children were viewed by her as necessary evils. The sooner they grew up and left the better for her.
It was a spiritual awakening for me. I finally understood how God feels. If you do not love my children you can have nothing in common with me. That does not mean I ever stopped loving her. She eventually left. You know, if she neglected me and showed more concern for my children we would probably be still together, and I would love her even more.
(USA) How can I get my wife to see the hurt she has put upon me? Our son is 26 yrs old, he has moved back in our house and I don’t want to even stay in my own house. He get high, drinks, and she doesn’t even want him to pay a dime to stay. He treats me like crap, we fight all the time, and my wife never gives me any backing.
(UNITED STATES) I am not a parent, nor a wife. I’m just a student who happened to find this article and discussion forum. My mom told me she loves my dad and me equally, but they are different type of love. Is it too far-fetched to love both the spouse and children equally?
From the comments I have been reading, I get the feeling each side is trying to lump the blame on each other. I’m not saying all of the comments are like this. I even just asked my dad on his point of view on this article and other articles of husband complaining of their wives paying more attention to the kids. He said if the wife is not treating the husband with respect and encouraging the kids to treat him the same way, it’s understandable why the husband would complain. But if he is complaining because he is jealous and considers the kids as competition for the wife’s attention, then he is stupid and selfish.
Raising a kid requires team-work and collaboration. They didn’t asked to be born. Children are children, they don’t know how to take care of themselves. They will require the parent to pay more attention to them until they are able enough. It is both the dad and mom’s responsibility to raise their kids: to teach them to know right and wrong, and how to take care of themselves when they are older. Kids have to be the first priority until they are able to take care of themselves. Once the kids are older, the parents could pay more attention to each other.
A child’s behavior is, after all, a reflection of both parents. The reason why marriages start to fail after a child is born is because they don’t know how to work as a team and respect each other. In order for a marriage to continue to work after a child is born, both the husband and the wife have to be willing to compromise.
He also said this article will be helpful for wives who are really being neglectful and not respectful to their husband. His advice for the selfish husband is to “grow up” because the wife is not their mother and she’s already busy raising her own children and doesn’t need to take care of a man-child too.
(UNITED STATES) You are spot on personally I do believe that spouses should love each other as much they love the children they have with each other.
(UNITED STATES) Replies back are welcome because I want to understand on how marriages work. I only know my parents point of view and would like to know the perspective of other’s.
(USA) My husband forced me to get a job (under threat of divorce) and now he resents the time I spend at work. He, on the other hand has been “self-employed” aka unemployed since I began working full time 10 years ago. In addition, he refuses to clean, cook, do laundry, pay bills or help with the kids. He is resentful of the time that I spend helping them with homework, yet he refuses to help out. The children are now old enough to help out with the laundry, cooking and cleaning. He is extremely jealous, picks fights constantly and sometimes I wish he would leave.
I want nothing more than to have a great relationship with him. I married him because I loved him and I still have feelings for him. Often I am so tired at the end of the day, I want nothing more than to go to sleep. Unfortunately, he sees this as me rejecting him. Suggestions?
(UNITED STATES) You probably have to confront him about his behavior. Ask him why he is acting this way, you might be surprise by his reasoning. I suggest the both of you attend couple counseling. A professional can help the both of you on how to find what is wrong with the marriage and help you fix it.
(USA) Esme, Thank you for taking the time to respond. We have been through 2 sets of therapy sessions (about 40 overall). He says he wants to change and for a time, I am so hopeful. Unfortunately, he has a lot of baggage from his childhood. But, sometimes I feel like I am making excuses for him.
Is it possible that as long as I take care of everything that he will never step up to the plate? I did give him an ultimatum to at least make enough money to pay for his car payment, cell phone and some contribution towards the groceries that he eats. If he cannot begin to contribute to the finances (or even cover his own expenses) within the next year, I will have some tough decisions to make. At some point, I do have to think about providing for the children that I brought into this world. But, this is not what I want. I do want a loving intact family. However, it is so difficult with my husband acting as another child.
As far as housework, we have been together for so long that I don’t believe that he will ever help out around the house. It only leads to a fight. He feels that it is “not a man’s job” to do any of the housework, cooking, etc. It is how he was raised.
(US) I am sorry for not replying sooner. I don’t know if the situation is the same as of today so I’ll just advise from the last post.
It does sounds like you are making excuses for him, which is understandable because you have been with him for a long time. But you shouldn’t have to suffer because of his childhood; you are blameless. Yes, as long as you do all the work, your husband will take advantage of you. Actually the reason why he does this is because you are letting him and he knows you will not do anything about it. Sure, both of you will fight and yell at each other about it, but in the end it seems that you just give in.
The ultimatum is reasonable, one year is a good amount of time to get a job. But if he is unable to get a job, but starts contributing to the housework or the kids, that should be acceptable too. However, if he doesn’t fulfill the ultimatum, will you fulfill your part? The ultimatum will be useless if you don’t follow through. You did what you can, and you have to make him realize that his behavior and action have consequences.
As for your family being intact, the only family I see is you and your kids. It always has been because your husband hasn’t earned the right to be considered part of the family. If you divorce, it will still be intact only it will be stronger because you got rid of the parasite that has been feeding off of you and the kids. You have been both the husband and the wife.
Plus, if he says that a woman’s job is to do the housework again, tell him that getting a job and providing for the family is the man’s job, and that you have been picking up the slack on his part. I believe you are a strong woman, just follow through with the ultimatum and don’t back down. If you don’t do it for your sake, do it for you kids then because they are your best support.
(UNITED STATES) A person shouldn’t be selfish when he or she enters a marriage. Once a man decides to get married and starts a family, he should put his wife and his kids above himself. The same goes for the wife; she should make her family her priority.
You are acting like the spouse and the kids can’t be in the same family. They are different people, yes, but they are still your family. You shouldn’t play favorites, that will only cause problems.
(USA) I wrote about this on another website and the men got so angry and hostile. What I said was that men are selfish and egotistical and they want the whole world to be about them. They want everyone to bow down to them and give them all the attention. They expect others to constantly worship them, give them their needs and wants and but not to never complain.They want women to work tirelessly in the kitchen, the den, and the bedroom. How degrading.
Men used to tell their wives to give them space and don’t come around them with a whole lot of talking. So then the women stopped bothering their husbands, but they are still disastified.
If a man wants his wife to give hm attention, then he needs to help with homework, talk to and encourage his children, fix their food, put them to bed, get a babysitter from time to time, be affectionate with his wife. Then she may be able to give him extra attention. Put a little foreplay in the deal.
(USA) The problem is you are saying, “then she MAY be able to give him extra attention…” You chide men for wanting it to be all about them, but have no problem defending a relationship that is all about her goals with him MAYBE getting a scrap of attention if she feels like his effort is up to her standard.
Why not a relationship where BOTH the husband and wife mutually agree they will put each other before any other person in the world, children included, and provide a strong base for those children?
No maybe, if he jumps through the right hoops, she’ll give him attention. How about her first earthly goal is to please her husband AND his first earthly goal is to please his wife.
The problem folks are having with what you say is you are just suggesting we go along with it being about the wife instead of the husband, which is equally not Biblical.
It seems God would have each of us be about the other –not a one way relationship, but two people, each putting the other spouse first, not one where one waits to see if the other meets the standard and then MAYBE they will reciprocate.
(USA) I will throw my two cents into this discussion, as I have a situation that I have yet to see on this forum. I remarried (my 2nd marriage) about 5 years ago to a woman I dated in high school (her 3rd marriage). We came across each other again, dated, and decided to marry. Problems soon began, as she had 2 sons from her first marriage. She told me straight out that her children would always come first and I would never be first in her life. As ridiculous as this sounds, I agreed because I loved her and wanted to make a life with her. I thought she would change once I demonstrated commitment and faithfulness to her, as her first husband had had multiple affairs during their marriage. That was my mistake.
In the 5 years that have passed, our relationship has died. No sex in over a year, we have not slept together in over 3 years. I sleep upstairs in our bed and she sleeps on the downstairs sofa. Most of the time, her younger son, who is 13, sleeps near her. We never have time alone together anymore, nor does she want to spend time with me. She refuses to go to counseling with me. In fact, a year ago she told me she cared about me but really didn’t love me anymore, but she could not survive without my financial support. We live in her house. I work full time, pay most of the bills, take care of the yard, cars, etc, while she works part time as a nurse and takes summers off to be with her kids. When I tell her I need more attention, she tells me I am not treated badly, she does not cheat on me, and I have it better than a lot of men.
I am having a problem with accepting this. I am depressed and don’t smile anymore. I am resentful of her children now, and bitterness and envy are overwhelming me. I don’t want to be in this marriage any longer because I feel I deserve better. I feel I am wasting my life on a relationship with a woman who does not want to do anything to meet me half way. I realize now her children will always come before me, even after they are grown. I have no children of my own, so it is difficult to understand an actual father’s role, but I feel I have been a good step father. They don’t respect me as their real father, and their real father has not been there for them. He is a doctor who supported them reluctantly with child support, but has distanced himself from them. Both are intelligent young men with private school educations, but I realize now the time and effort I have spent with them will be forgotten once I leave.
I am sure there are plenty of reasons she could give for her dissatisfaction with me. I am depressed and my level of performance in the bedroom has suffered considerably. I have remained faithful to her, but it has been difficult to remain positive about my life and this relationship. I am at the point of leaving her. I realize the Bible says divorce is not permissible if there has been no infidelity, but I cannot remain in this relationship for the rest of my life.
Ladies and gentlemen, any thoughts? Thank you.
Ken, This is a remarriage issue and beyond, but basically it starts with a remarriage issue in many ways. Please go into the “Remarriage” topic and read what you can –that which applies. And then go into the “Links and Recommended Resources” part of that topic. We have several web sites, which would be good to visit and read what they have posted there. Please don’t dump out of the marriage –especially before you reach out for the help you need. You can even get some counseling from these ministries. One that comes to mind is called In Step Ministries. Jeff Parziale is someone we know well and greatly respect. He and his wife Judi work with step family situations all the time. Jeff even makes it available so he will phone coach you. I highly encourage you to do this.
You need a marriage-friendly counselor (Jeff is one of them), who is familiar with working with remarriage situations. Even if your wife isn’t willing, please find the help yourself. Eventually, Jeff (or another counselor such as Jeff) can possibly show you how to inspire your wife to put more effort into your relationship. Just make sure you find a counselor who is marriage-friendly (we have articles in the “Marriage Counseling” topic, which explains this important term).
(USA) I’m in a situation where my son comes before me. I understand… At least I think I understand that the bond between a mother and a child is much deeper than any relationship. But if a husband bends over backwards to make his child AND his wife feel loved, why can’t the wife do the same? There are a lot of bitter women in here that fail to even realize that the smallest act of love towards a husband can make his day.
(USA) To Mike: There are a lot of bitter men on this blog. What about the smallest act of love towards a wife can make her happy day?
(USA) Gene, It’s pretty clear from what Mike wrote that he’s gone above and beyond the smallest act and he’s still not experiencing a wife happy enough to make his day. I don’t know what the bitter men has to do with what he’s said. But I can sure see why a guy (or gal) would get bitter when they put their wife (husband) first and she (he) doesn’t reciprocate.
(UNITED STATES) IT doesn’t have to be that way, a bond between a husband and wife can be as strong. The only difference is that the bond between a mother and child naturally comes without effort. Trust me there are women who love their husbands more than their children, my mom is one of them, yet she is truly the greatest mother on the planet at the same time.
http://www.catholicmothersonline.com/2011/12/i-love-my-husband-more-than-the-kids/
A woman can develop a stronger bond with her husband overtime.
(USA) After a woman has bent over backwards to keep all the housework done and cook and raise healthy children, and give sex, deal with a man’s parents, entertain friends…what do you people want a wife to do? You all have such ridiculous standards that are out of reach for any human..
A woman is not a rock, we breathe and feel too. We need small acts of kindness too. You men have got to realize that with all the health situations that constantly bother us, we are lucky we smile once a week. I think we do a darn good job and if you all had to go with what we do, you all wouldn’t even half way make it.
Excuse me? Give sex? I’m a man. My wife and I haven’t had sex in 2+ months. Too much housework? I hired a MAID to come periodically. Even with that, *I* cook at least half the time, *I* always clean up the kitchen, and *I* do the laundry. On top of that, *I* do all of the yard work on an acre lawn full. I clean and maintain all of our vehicles. I make sure the bills get paid on time. We both work full time, but other than that and cooking the remaining days that we don’t eat out, the only responsibility my wife has is bathing and dressing our two kids.
Deal with inlaws and entertain friends? What do you think I have to do? Tell me again about those ridiculous standards??
My wife and I have been having marriage problems ever since we had kids, because she is OBSESSED with the kids and all things parenting. Is it too much to ask that not every conversation be about the kids? Is it too much to ask that she actually want to do something with ME and JUST ME? Where I can actually relax and connect with JUST HER, not bringing the whole caravan of toys, kids cups and diaper bag? Its an act of congress to get her away from the kids. I get a date night maybe once a month, if that. I haven’t had alone time with her during the day in literally years, even though our hobbies before kids were motorcycling, mountain biking and exploring around town.
We’re in marriage counseling. Just a month ago, I suggested a week vacation, just the two of us… to help us reconnect. The kids would stay with my mother. Oh no! She doesn’t want the kids to spend a week with my mother. When I got her to back off that, she declared that she felt like she was short changing the kids and didn’t want to spend that much time away from them. “Why can’t they come on vacation with us?” she said. Why? Because it defeats the whole point of alone time to reconnect, that’s why! We haggled over it. Half a week alone at the beach, then drive 6 hours back to get the kids, and head back to the beach. Ugh, the sheer frustration. 12 additional hours driving so the kids can have a couple days at the beach resort they won’t remember or know any different from the neighborhood pool. And thus my attempt to reconnect with my wife became yet another example of why I find it increasingly difficult to feel connected to my wife.
I am, for all intents and purposes, a roommate. I do more chores and work longer hours at a much more stressful job… I’m doing my fair share thank you very much. I find your declaration that men “wouldn’t halfway make it” or that our standards are ridiculous utterly insulting.
To those women saying children come first, go ahead, neglect your husband. When he’s miserable and eventually leaves, you can count yourself in the statistics on broken homes and then determine if it was best for your children -and if it was indeed in you their best interest. If he sticks through the miserable marriage, you can pat yourself on the back for the wonderful example of marital bliss you’ve modeled for your children to recreate for themselves… only to divorce once they leave the nest.
The marriage is the foundation of the family. The children are structures built on top. Neglect the cracks in your foundation because the walls needed painting, and I think you’ll quickly find the whole house falling apart. The best thing any parent can show their children is love of their spouse.
(USA) I was searching the web regarding the topic of this conversation, when I came upon it. I have read it from beginning to end. Has anyone considered how much of a woman’s own life she puts on a shelf, as to fulfill the expectations of wife and mother? Not to mention that she gives it up freely and happily. My wife gave up a lot to do what she does for our family, and I would consider myself pompus to think of myself as being “less loved”.
(USA) Thank you Joyx5, you sound like a human man and not a selfish, egotistical one!!
(USA) I can pretty much tell by the women’s comments who has a happy husband and who does not. Talk about cold. It’s because a woman usually has an extensive support network of friends, confidantes, family.
A man has himself and maybe a buddy to pal around with every once in a while. Some of us have very little in that regards; our wife IS our support network.
When so much of that is turned towards the kids, we lose our anchor and support and are all alone. Women find that so foreign as they rarely experience it. For instance the ONLY time I get with my wife during the day is relaxing in bed at night after the kids go to sleep (and interrupt us 3 times for crying and potty breaks).
So after a long week, imagine my surprise when I come in and the wife is on the phone, at 10:30 at night with a coworker (single of course) bemoaning some situation or another at work. Imagine what it feels like to sit there, watching the clock tick away, listening to the conversation WE should be having and rarely get, go up in smoke to a single woman who has nobody else’s shoulder to cry on, a grown woman. Just mentioning it I was given a litany of other times I called my friends etc etc. But that is a common friend to both of us and is started long before bed time though it does stretch into that time sometimes. She on the other hand has dozens to call, talk with and to call her, I have ONE, that’s it.
So excuse a jealous husband who doesn’t like to share EVERY single moment of EVERY day with EVERYONE else. This marriage is truly getting pointless. I am a roommate with demands, not a husband!
(USA) Sounds like sour grapes, jealousy, or something. What do you want her to do, give up her friends and co workers for you just because you have no hobbies or interests. Is that fair? You cannot rely on your wife to make you have a happy attitude. You wouldn’t want her to require you to give up your friend time for her. If she did, you would be saying she is too needy. You men are always finding fault with wives/women. It seems that, no matter what we do, there is something wrong with us.
(USA) I am pregnant now. I told my husband the day I found out I was pregnant that he will always be my #1, and the kids will be #2. I love my husband and we will be together forever. Kids will leave the house and have their own lives, get married and have their own kids.
(AUSTRALIA) Ahhh finally, a woman that has her head screwed on properly.
(UNITED STATES) No kidding!
(UNITED STATES) I wish more women were like you!
Here’s one analogy I give: if two friend are working together to build a car, after the car is completed one of the friends loves the car more than the friend who he built it with.
Exactly in the same manner it doesn’t make sense for a woman to love her children more than her husband, when it was both of them who created those kids.
(USA) Wait till your child is born, you may feel different!
(UNITED STATES) I personally don’t plan on ever getting married, but that still would not change my views on the matter and even if I do get married and have a child, I still HOPE and PRAY that me and my wife would put our relationship first. It is how God intended.
(USA) Exactly what does it mean to put your husband as number one, before your kids. I am curious, because there is no way I would put my husband getting attention when I have a small baby that needs attention. He is a grown man and can wait until I settle the baby in after he is breastfed and changed.
Do you want us women to go and have intimacy with the husband, while the baby is crying to be fed and has a loaded diaper? Now tell me if he should ignore the son/daughter who says she needs him to come and help her with the hard math homework, while his wife is saying come to me and cuddle on the couch? When he wants to go fishing with our teen son, can I tell him that he is ignoring me? When the 17 year old says dad, come and help me work on my car or help me fill out this college application and I say to him, you cannot ignore me the wife. Is this okay too? So are you all telling wives that once you have a child, you must ignore that child whenever the husband is around and wants you to give him some attention?
If you all will read through all that I wrote, you ought to see how outrageous and unbelievable, it is to tell women to put their husbands first. It scares me, when I read some of the comments from some of you men and women. I am surprised at a woman who suggests that a wife should ignore her children. I expect men with their desire to be first, but women??
I honestly don’t think these husbands want their wife to abandon their kids while they’re helping them with homework for attention. I think they just want to know that they’re cared about.
In my house I helped my kids with all of their homework, worked many hours so my wife could stay home, cooked half the meals, and did a lot of the household work. Basically, I find myself 23 years later feeling like a donor and a paycheck.
(USA) Ok. Here’s my story. I’ve been married for about 9 months, and my wife clearly was taught by her church about family structure (God, marriage, then family). She told me she understood this, but after we were married, she clearly did not practice this. She has two children from a previous relationship, an 11 year old and a 2 year old. Yet, I did my best to love her, encourage her, be the leader of the houshold, pray with her and do my best to love her like Christ loves the church and not expect anything back.
But she was lacking in the affection department, and pours out tremendous love on our baby, when I, and I suspect even our older daughter, feels neglected. Now I admit, I screwed up big time (I won’t go into details but just know it was worse than cheating, I hit my baby stepdaughter), and now my wife is extremely cold to me. She doesn’t tell me she loves me unless I tell her first. She sleeps with the baby in the bed. Even though the baby was sleeping perfectly fine on her own before our big fight. She shows me 0% affection.
I told her sorry, she says she forgives me, but shows no love or affection toward me. It’s worse than before our situation. I am extremely blessed that she decided to stay. I was depressed for weeks, and believe this happened in order for God to show me I still needed a lot of work on my heart. I am delivered from anger and jealousy issues. But I want to encourage the men to keep loving their wives. Dont expect anything in return and stay true to your vows. The Bible says in order to be first, you must put yourself last. Let’s get rid of our selfishness.
I know it’s hard and temptation lurks in every corner. I pray everyday for God to heal the pain I have caused my wife and to keep changing me to be more like Him. So my question is this. Where is the encouragement for the husbands to keep fighting and love their unloving cold wife? How do we carry on this battle without failing? To love unconditionally? I need encouragement to keep on fighting for this marriage.
Husbands, please know that a cold unloving wife and her mind can only be changed by the Holy Spirit. Lets keep praying for our wives and children for revelation of the Holy Spirit in their lives. Only the Spirit can heal them and change their mind. Only God can reveal sin in a kind gentle manner. We can’t be the ones to point it out because it just turns our wives away. Be blessed, and lets get our strength from the Lord.
(USA) I agree with your commits on this subject 100%. My wife is deployed over in Afghanistan for 1 year. I have my 8 yr old daughter and my 2 yr old son. I cook, clean, help my daughter with homework, teaching my son how to read and lots more and to include, I’m a full time student. My daughter is going on vacation to New York to see family.
My wife will be back from deployment in July 2012. When she gets back she wants to go to New York for 10 days. She asked me how I feel about this and I told her that “I think it is jacked up because I’ve been here this whole time taken care of everything and everyone waiting until you get back and when you get time to relax you want to go to New York. I feel like I’m not appreciated.”
I also told her that I feel that she should take that time and spend it with me. My wife told me, “How is it going to look If I go there after my daughter comes back home?” This clearly shows me that she cares more for the family and her daughter. I’m not highly valued at all. What is your understanding on this issue?
(USA) I too am in the armed forces. Well, I think she’s going to do what whe wants to do. You cannot control her. Just love her, support her, be a sacrificial leader. I take it that she wants to go by herself? Why doesn’t she want you to go too? I know it’s hard, and feeling unappreciated really sucks, especially when you try to tell her how you feel, but instead you come off as selfish.
While she is gone try to do something you like doing. Play with your kids more. Plan a trip while she is on her trip. Stay strong, and most of all, be led by the Spirit. Let us not say or do anything the Spirit would not do. God bless.
(USA) This article stinks. If a husband wants his wife to give him more attention he needs to communicate this with her. As a husband and wife you are equal partners. Communication is key. My husband is never lacking attention …but here is a list of things he does for me.
All yard work, laundry and dishes (when he sees I need help) talking to the kids on a daily basis, changing diapers and doing things when I ask, organizing family time once a week if I’m too busy during the day, holds evening family prayer every day, has a full time job from 7:30-5:30 Mon-Fri, helps put the kids to bed, takes the kids hiking, and for bike rides, takes care of everything with our chickens in the backyard, and he is scout master.
He gets the majority of my attention and our kids are never lacking and are being taught from a mother and father who love them unconditionally. We’ve had our share of challenges and marriage is a lot of work but it should be shared work …not mom does everything for kids and house and dad expects her not to resent him for being lazy. I think once a husband done more than his share of responsibilities and the wife still ignores him, then there’s a problem. I feel very blessed to have a husband who does so much for me and my kids.
(USA) WOW…..this thread has taken some punches. My husband and I had three children under the age of 4 at one point. The kids are now in their 20’s. We are still married. I ‘get’ this article. I am an independent thinker who happens to be Christian. I am not a doormat, nor has my husband ever lorded over me. He’s a great guy. My husband confided that he felt a lot of those emotions listed up top. He didn’t want me to abandon taking care of our infants. He just would have liked me to save a tiny bit of energy for him. In turn, I would have liked a lot more verbal praise from him.
We just didn’t have the tools back then to know how to connect. We limped along, and finally in our 16th year of marriage, found a Dynamic Marriage Class. It changed our lives. I don’t know how well I would have taken the advice up top, if I were still in the middle of all that chaos. Looking back, I can say it is good advice.
Marriage does come first, well 2nd after God. The article isn’t saying ignore your children. It’s saying don’t forget that your spouse NEEDS you to care, needs you to save a little bit of yourself just for them. And you know what, someone has to go FIRST! Be the first to say positive words. Be the first to acknowledge, maybe I can give a little. I’m not saying to be a doormat! Just, find your inner adult and have an open, nonjudgmental conversation with your spouse. If you need tools to get yourself out of a quagmire, I highly recommend Dynamic Marriage.
Children, hopefully, will be in a marriage far longer than they are in your house.
(USA) I believe the majority of men on this blog genuinely do all those things you mentioned. I have talked to my wife about the issue but it’s like talking to a rock. I’m just wondering how we should cope with the neglect and unappreciation, even if we do all those things. It’s at the point now where I work during the day. She sleeps during the day and does all the housekeeping at night while I’m asleep! And the little one is also getting used to this night owl schedule! Me and my wife don’t even go to bed together anymore!