How does it make a man feel when his wife puts their children ahead of him? We posed that question to a group of men. Their most common answers are listed below:
1. Insignificant and disrespected
Most replied that they felt a deep lack of respect from not only their wives, but from their children. “Respect is important to a man, and he doesn’t feel that when the children consistently come first,” said one man.
2. Unloved
Most men, unlike most women, associate love with actions instead of with feelings. When a woman places her children above her husband, her actions say to him that she loves the children more than she loves him. Though not as vocal about it as women, men desire to be deeply loved by their wives. It is difficult for a man to see his wife cherish the children, but treat him in a cool or casual manner.
3. Lonely
One of the man’s greatest needs is companionship, and he usually expects to find this in his relationship with his wife. “As my wife pours more and more of her life into being a mother, she pours less and less of it into being my wife,” said one man. “The friend I once had in my wife is now a friend to our children, but a stranger to me.” The lonelier a man becomes, the more vulnerable he is to outside temptation. Is your husband lonely because of the time you spend with your children? Are you in any way making him more vulnerable to the attentions of other women?
Also, When Children Are Prioritized Ahead of a Husband, He Feels:
4. Unappreciated
Men appreciate being appreciated! Many men feel that their wives show greater appreciation to their children than they do to them. “If our daughter goes to a friend’s for the night, my wife misses her terribly,” said one husband. “When she comes home the next morning, my wife is ecstatic to see her and acts as if she’s been gone forever. I can be gone for days on a business trip, and my wife acts like I never left. Sometimes she even seems to resent my return home.” Does your husband know how important he is to you and how much you value him? Are you an appreciative wife?
5. Resentful and Angry
Though not a majority, some men stated that when their wives put their children first, they felt a sense of resentment and anger; some felt this way toward their children, others toward their wives. “My fifteen-year-old son walks through the door and my wife immediately asks abut his day or rubs his back if he’s tired. She pampers him constantly. I find myself resenting him, even though I know it isn’t his fault.” Is your husband frustrated or even jealous of your relationship with your children? Could it be that he feels left out or overlooked?
IDEAS ON THIS ISSUE OF CHILDREN AND THEIR PRIORITY:
Maybe you’re sensing that you need a major overhaul in this area, or perhaps just some fine-tuning. Regardless, here are some ideas to consider:
1. Think positive thoughts.
For every positive thought you have of your children, think of two for your husband. Begin noticing the many things he does. Perhaps he sees to it that the house is locked up every night or helps you replace light bulbs. Men enjoy praise!
2. Give him the benefit of the doubt.
Often this comes easily with our children, but is more difficult with our husbands. Grant him the same gracious generosity that you so readily give your kids.
3. Be spontaneous.
Surprise him once a week with a random act of kindness. One woman recently discovered that her husband liked a slushy drink from a local convenience store. She began buying them for him. “He loves it when I do this. It’s such a simple thing to do, and lets him know I’m thinking about him.”
4. Invest in his stock.
Share with your children things you admire about their father. This lets them see how important your marriage is to you. Though it’s been said dozens of times, the way Mom sees Dad is the greatest influencer of how the children see him. Do this with others as well. Many women excel at communicating their children’s strengths, but not their husband’s.
One woman pointed out that often friends will talk about their children in glowing terms, but when they talk about their husbands, they tend to talk about their weaknesses and inabilities. If you do this, stop! Commit to sharing with others only those things that build your husband up. Words are infectious and should be chosen wisely.
5. Make your bedroom a haven.
Too often this is the catchall room. Make an effort to keep it clean, organized, and inviting. One woman bought a small love seat and placed it in the master bedroom. This is where she and her husband spend a few moments together once they’ve gotten in the door at the end of the day. It shows their children that they value each other’s company as well. Burn a fragrant candle so that the room smells inviting and warm.
6. Cater to his quirks.
Many times we think our children’s quirks are cute but our husband’s are obnoxious. One woman discovered that her husband liked his sheets changed often, yet she preferred going longer between changings. “I fought this for years,” she said. “I thought he was being too obsessive. One day my daughter asked why I ignored her father’s request for clean sheets but always changed hers whenever she asked. I was shocked. This was something I didn’t even realize I was doing. I suddenly saw that I was not only dismissing one of my husband’s rare requests, but I was also modeling wrong priorities for my daughter.”
7. Check your attitude.
Said one woman, “I was stunned one night when my husband told me that he wished I had the same attitude toward him that I had toward the kids. From his perspective, I bent over backward for them. I ran all over town to find my daughter the right dress or my son the right tennis shoes. But he said that if he asked me to stop at the hardware store and pick up a gallon of paint, I balked.” Our attitudes speak volumes to our husbands.
8. Pray for your husband.
This tip could go in every chapter. There is nothing like prayer to soften your heart and sharpen your focus.
9. Reintroduce pet names into your relationship.
Refrain from calling him “Dad” or Daddy.” Choose instead to call him by a name that shows your love and high regard for him as a husband.
Your husband may or may not respond as you re-prioritize your relationships. It really isn’t an issue, though, if you are doing it to honor God. Certainly it’s nice for him to notice and appreciate your efforts, but it isn’t necessary. God notices.
This article comes from the book, The Politically Incorrect Wife: God’s Plan for Marriage Still Works Today
Excerpted from The Politically Incorrect Wife © 2000-2002 by Nancy Cobb and Connie Grigsby. Used by permission of Multnomah Publishers, Inc. Excerpt may not be reproduced without the prior written consent of Multnomah Publishers, Inc.
— ADDITIONALLY, CONCERNING CHILDREN & YOUR HUSBAND —
Here’s an article we recommend you read on this issue:
• FIND OUT WHY YOUR SPOUSE SHOULD COME FIRST
— PLUS —
We strongly recommend that you read the following linked article that is related, written by Gary Thomas:
• THE DANGER (TO OUR KIDS) OF A DISTANT MARRIAGE
Filed under: Childrens Effect on Marriage For Married Women
(USA) It’s the same situation everywhere. I’m married, work full time and have 2 children under 6 yrs, one of which is disabled which takes up even more time. Because I have the higher paying job with better benefits, my husband stayed home with the kids. I praised him daily for his sacrifice. He never cleaned, the children were filthy and neglected. I brought this up to him several times. We went to counseling -a complete waste of time. He went to shut me up. Period.
So, I do all of the work. I work 50 hours a week, come home, cook dinner, clean, spend time with the kids, then go to bed, wake up and do it all over again. It feels as though I have three children. Once a man is relegated himself to the position of “child” in a relationship, there is no going back. Like all men, my husband wants his sex. I’m too tired, don’t get anything out of it and frankly, it’s a burdensome chore.
I finally told him to find a girlfriend because I just can’t accommodate his needs. I told him I would be happy to let him out of our marriage to which he said, he has no friends or support system. I told him he had no one to blame but himself. You can’t make another person happy. People have to be responsible for their own happiness and social life. Most men do not pull their weight in marriage. My father certainly never did, my brother doesn’t and all but 2 of the men my friends married don’t pull their weight either. Women give so much because society expects it of them until they have nothing left to give. Sadly, my 60 year old mother is leaving my father after 42 years of marriage because she thought she was finished raising children but my father is such a horrible burden, she’d rather start all over than stay married to him. The institute of marriage doesn’t work. Marriage is for rearing children. Period. As in the wild with most species, the female sacrifices everything to raise her young alone while the male wanders off to the next female. Same with humans.
Men expect women to take over where their mother left off with the addition of sex. Frankly, sex is the only thing men care about. So, single women & men coming to this forum, do yourselves a favor – stay single. Marriage isn’t worth it. I don’t know a married couple that wouldn’t rather be single – not even in Christian marriages.
Women, if you want children I suggest you freeze some eggs while you are young, get an education in a field that pays well and once you get settled, have children on your own. Men, since sex truly is the only love of your life, buy a doll.
(USA) Are there men like that? Absolutely. Are all men like that? Not hardly.
(UNITED STATES) The disciples did say to Christ at one point that it is better for no one to get married, then the Lord said to them not every one can do it, but those who can should. When I see how messed up modern day marriage is I do hope and pray that the lord would give me the gift of celibacy.
(OMAN) Hi, I have read your column and I have done some of the things that you have mentioned. However, being married for 3 years is still making me cry due to our differences. My husband does not want to spend time with me as he finds it boring. He says that I always give him stress when he comes home from work and or sharing things with him (personal issues) is a waste of time. Most of the time he ignores me and does not even want to spend time with me more than 10 minutes. When he comes home from work, he would rather stare at his aquarium and/or play with our daughter …although he spends time with us. But most often he spends most of his time in front of his computer watching videos and facebook.
I asked him why he is ignoring me, his answer was he does not have time to sit and talk about nonsense things. I’ve been sitting with our child the whole day at home, prepare his food; I make sure that the house is clean, especially our room. His clothes are also prepared and ready to wear …but still, I have to beg him to sit with me and/or to spend time with me. I feel like that I am unwanted.
I am doing all the things that I think could satisfy him, but he said his heart is hard and cannot give my demands (affection and attention). Most of the time he stays at work until 8 pm, has his dinner at 8:30 then will sit in front of his computer until 11 pm or 12 midnight, and even watch porn movies and masturbate. I think my husband does not love me the way I love him. He cannot even figure out if he loves me or not. But he is a good provider, he gives us all the things that we need (material things) and he does not have vices… but what I do?
Do I always have to beg and wait for him to do the things I want? He said that he is a practical person, and so straight forward that most often I hear hurtful words from him and it makes me cry most of the time. If I asked him, he is not responding honestly …please advise me on this! I really want to work things for our marriage for the sake of our child …I don’t want our child to grow up without a father.
(UNITED STATES) All I can say is that you can pray for your husband and read the Holy Bible daily to hear God’s Voice. I say the same to myself, even though I am not married yet, but it is good to stay in the Word. Problems that we as Christians are facing are numerous and we are need of the Holy Spirit’s Guidance. All we can do is pray and read the Holy Bible, as well as seeking God’s Guidance.
I will pray for your and all of you here. Personally seeing all the issues involving marriage I don’t feel like getting married and asking God to give me the gift of celibacy, or give me a wife that loves me as much as she would love our children. IF not as much as our children, I pray that she loves me second to them that’s all I can.
(USA) This discussion is pointless. It is really sad that adult people have to behave like children. There isn’t any real, unconditional love other than that of GOD for us and to expect it from a human spouse is an insane waste of time.
(UNITED STATES) With Christ all things are possible. The Lord told us that men are to love their wives as much as He loved the Church. Lord Jesus’s love for us was unconditional and thats the kind of love that Christ has commanded husbands to show their wives. Do you think the Lord would command the impossible? In His Light, Shaikh
(USA) I posted earlier on this thread. My wife and I have been separated for almost 4 months, and since she moved away, I’ve seen her once (to pick up the remaining things and watch as she sold our lives away in a garage sale). That happened two months ago. I told her then that I loved her no matter what, and I meant that. I hope that time will heal the wounds that we both have, but my love for her is unending. I’ve tried to have another relationship, and I can’t. Not that it’s too soon, but it’s not with the woman that was my best friend. That love I truly feel I will never find again. I miss her. I love her. I just don’t know if her son will allow her to have that. Help me Lord. Please, help me….
It is a fool’s game on the part of a man to think that a woman will ever love you consistently and genuinely, with the same unconditional love and affection that you show her. It’s just not in their DNA. They display it because they are programmed to do so but it’s not authentic. So, what is their motivation to show a man love at all? Fear of being alone, money and a strong maternal desire for children. Their emotions assist them in ‘displaying’ love but once they’ve obtained the kids and money, their motivation for showing the man love and respect wanes greatly. This is why things tend to fall apart at that point in a marriage; and their programming to show love is simply not enough. This is when the battles ensue.
Men, on the other hand that show love and affection, do it genuinely, even in the absence of those other factors that motivate the woman. This is because it is REAL coming from a man. Stay single if you don’t want to experience the hot and cold, schizophrenic-like, emotional roller coaster ride a woman inevitably will put you through. They don’t know themselves and will always blame you for their insanity and in the end, you will feel lonelier with them than if you had remained single.
There are very few exceptions to this rule. Today, a man enters into a relationship with a woman at tremendous risk and 95% of the time, because of the woman’s innate ability to lie and manipulate with great skill, the courts and even friends and family will believe her side of the story over yours. Anyone who tells you differently than what I’ve said here is naive, lacks experience or is just a liar. Women appear ‘hot’ to men for a reason. But don’t be deceived. You WILL get burned. Beauty is as beauty does; and where their is beauty, there is great trouble.
(ENGLAND) It is quite difficult to be a man in life, as well as a husband. The reason is because they do not get any help in life, and no one gives them sympathy because everybody thinks that a man doesn’t need help just because they are bigger and stronger physically. Men go through life accepting this, and all they want in return is the be loved and feel that to someone, he is number 1.
So naturally, when the baby comes along, and all the love the woman gave before is gone, and the woman is only loving the child, of course, he will be upset. With the boot being on the other foot, I’m sure women would be too. [NOTE: Men do NOT want to be loved MORE than their children, only as equal.] Women DO love their children MORE than their husband as proved by a woman who wrote on this article. “Husbands come and go; my babies are for life” and “If he can’t accept, there is no room for him in my life.”
Well, if you cannot love your husband, there is also ‘No room for YOU in HIS life’ It works both ways ;> so when the baby is born, and the woman doesn’t really love the man as much anymore, the man is landed in a trap. If he wants to leave this now loveless relationship, he is considered a bad person. If he stays, he feels as though he is simply a ‘tool’ that is used for working and getting money, and being ‘needed’ rather than ‘wanted’ for the rest of his days (not what anyone wants to do). He ends up feeling like he has been ‘used’ by his wife, to make him love her enough to give her a baby, once she has the baby, she has no need for her husband.
So in many cases, the man leaves the woman and the child, to find another woman who will love him. And then the first woman will complain endlessly about how much she hates him. And a vicious circle begins.
Women are under the delusion that because a man is physically big, he doesn’t need any love, or affection. This is shown in many cases on this article as women have posted statements such as “he should man up.” This is also shown on the 1st page as a woman named Lia has proved when she stated “some grown adult 6 ft man is going to be jealous.” Notice the 6 ft part? What women do not realize is that men are emotionally equal to everyone and needs just as much love as women AND children. Without it, they will search elsewhere… That being said, do not complain when your husbands leave you, you knew it was coming.
Let me explain: There are not many major achievements in life for men. Look at women for example…
-A Wedding. Let’s face it, weddings are all about the woman, it’s “Her big day” as everyone says.
-Pregnancy. Once again, it’s all about the woman. She has all the praise… people coming up to her… rubbing her tummy, telling her all about how she’ll be such a great mum etc.
-Child Birth .Once again, after a successful child birth, all the focus is on the mother and the baby, fact. Everyone tells the mother about how good she did giving birth, and everyone wants to hold the baby. But what about the man? What does he get in life? Nothing.
Now here’s my point, the ONE thing a man looks for… the ONE achievement he actually strives to get, is a woman who will love him more than anything, forever. If he gets that, he is forever happy.
So when the baby comes along, and the woman takes her love out of him, and applies it elsewhere… he’s devastated and looks for love from another woman elsewhere. I hope you can now understand why men get feel left out. Thanks for reading.
Insightful, Missingno. Thank you for sharing. I agree.
(UNITED STATES OF AMERICA) Can I give you a HUGE BROTHERLY HUG?!? You nailed it! Also just because one woman said her babies ar eforlife and will always coems first doesn’t mean all women on this planet love their children more than their father (husbands being mentioned here specifically).
Here let me give some examples I have found from the words of women themselves on the internet and unlike Lia, they are the women who any man would want to be a husband to:
Quote #1) This is why so many kids are screwed up today. I DID tell my children I loved their father more than I did them. They were the moons, but he was the sun. I could imagine life without the kids, but not without my husband. I also told them my wish for them was to find a husband/wife that THEY could love most. And they did. -Linda (http://www.momlogic.com/2009/07/why_i_love_my_child_more_than_my_husband.php)
Quote #2) Okay, wait, in the fire scenario, that’s different. My husband can get himself out. He and I are obligated to care for our daughter with our lives. We are not tkaing care of her only because we love her, but because we dedicated our lives to loving and keeping her safe. So, of course, I would save my daughter first. I STILL LOVE MY HUSBAND MORE THOUGH. He is my soulmate. My child, is my little joy and I love her desperately, but she is not my friend, and we do not have a peer relationship. I love them differently, and I am pretty sure that I love my husband more. Interestingly, 25% is aout the same rate at which postpartum depression occurs. I wonder if there is a connection. -Claire (http://blogs.babble.com/dadding/2012/05/21/kids-vs-spouse/) (capitalization emphasis are mine)
Quote #3) 100% my husband COMES FIRST. We chose each other, we are best friends, have been married for 18 years, crazy in love, bedtime is better every year. I know he would say the same. Does this mean we don’t love our kids? No! We’re crazy about them, proud of them, scared for the future for them, want to protect them and yet see them grow into adults some day… The best gift we can give these little (and big! Our oldest is 16) guys is to have a mom and dad who truly, madly, deeply love and respect each other. A healthy family begins with a mom and dad who are totally, 100% committed to life together. Everything good, security, happiness, parenting comes from that place of implicit trust and goodwill… -Mamazee (http://blogs.babble.com/kid-scoop/2012/05/14/75-of-women-love-their-kids-more-than-their-husband/) (capitalization emphasis are mine)
Quote #4) “Yes, I do love my husband more! Don’t get me wrong, I’d walk through fire, put myself in the path of a speeding train or take a bullet for my daughter. I love her more than my own life. But I love my husband more.
And shouldn’t that be the way of it? From the moment my daughter was born, I just KNEW she was only on loan to me. Children grow up and (ideally) become independent. They move out of the house. Yes, they are still our children and we still love them fiercely. But I love my husband more. He is my partner, my strength, my lover and my best friend. We pledged to spend the rest of our lives together. How could I possibly love anyone -even my darling daughter more?” -xenabobb (http://www.scarymommy.com/message-board/index.php?p=/discussion/8852/do-you-love-your-kids-more-than-your-husband/p2 )
Quote #5) “This is going to sound terrible, BUT I LOVE MY HUSBAND MORE. I adore my children and would sacrifice my life for them in a heartbeat, and my love for them is unconditional. My heart would become crippled if anything were ever to happen to one of them. But the love I have for them is a more nurturing kind of love, a teaching kind of love… knowing that one day they are going to fly away.
The love I have for my husband is deeper and more personal. He knows me as i really am, and I know him. We are as close to soul mates as a couple can get. We can communicate without words, we know each others thoughts. He is who I will have to live with when the children grow up and move away. Our children are individual and unique souls…my husband and I are one. We are each half of a whole. Dont worry…i realize how cheesy that sounds. All in all, i could not survive without any one of them. And thats the honest truth.” -BookMum (http://www.scarymommy.com/message-board/index.php?p=/discussion/8852/do-you-love-your-kids-more-than-your-husband/p2 ) (capitalization emphasis are mine)
AND FINALLY an entire article of a mom who has greater amount of affection and love for the father of her children (her husband), that can be found here: http://www.writingmamas.com/2010/02/whos-my-favorite/.
Absolutely ‘spot on’. This is good insight. Thank you for being man enough to say what never gets said but NEEDS to be said. Women have gotten away with this double standard and manipulation for centuries and it’s time for this insidious evil to stop. And yes, I said evil because that’s truly what it is, hidden behind a smile and a cute figure. THAT’s how they get away with it. Let’s just call it what it is, ‘sex’. And THAT is what men need to stop falling for.
(USA) I am going through the same thing as described above but I am a wife that is being discarded for our two daughters. This is very sad. My husband has always been very permissive with any discipline and I have wanted some rules and limitations set just to keep some order in the household. When the children were small and there were pure acts of defiance I would handle it and ask him to support me when he came home. He would never do this ever. In fact he would shower them with more affection never support me.
He attempts to buy their affection with giving them anything they ask for. He uses division to win their love. I hear him saying well Daddy would have done this or daddy would have done that. I can give so many examples of this. Of course now our daughters(teenagers) feel like they run the show and they do. There is no respect for me. He almosts trips over me to get to them saying how is my sweet girl today.
I beg him to have our time. The few times we have gone out they call and keep him on the phone. We are seeing a counselor but it feels like too little too late. I love my husband and have asked him to come together and come up with some general guidelines for the kids and /or have a family meeting and present a united front. He is unwilling to do this. I have prayed about this so much yet feel so alone and sad.
(UNITED STATES OF AMERICA) Glad to know that not only men are going through this. Sorry, I don’t mean to sound like a jerk; I will be praying for you!
Your girls are manipulating your husband (on a different level) with the same thing that persuaded him to be with you. Call it feminine wiles, attraction or sex. ALL women use it at various ages and levels, just like you did with your husband to ‘appeal’ to him to get what you wanted. Don’t deny it. You girls are programmed to do the same thing (for different reasons) and may not even yet realize what they’re doing. They are modeling what you’ve taught them, without even knowing what you’ve done.
Your husband was rewarded by you (with marriage, sex, children etc.), so why would he not think he would be rewarded in other ways for giving into their femininity as well? You’ve trained him (and them) and it’s coming back to bite you. Present these things to him, apologize for not seeing it before, take responsibility, tell him you’re very concerned about the negative impact your girls behavior is having on your relationship with him and on your family (and that your worried how the lack of discipline will affect the girls later in life), tell him you have the utmost respect for him, and show it sincerely. You can change things for the better. ;)
(USA) My wife and I have been married 15 years, she had 2 children two and four years old then, I did not have kids. We were not able to have children together. My wife and I are both devoted Christians and have raised the kids that way. Our daughter is now on her own and our son, 17, lives at home, while I realize I am not their biological dad I still think of them as mine. My wife has always put the kids first and through their younger years it was really not a problem, that’s just the way it is, kids take up most of a couple’s time.
We always tried to keep them shelterd from the bad things in life and my wife always tried to be their friend. Over the years we have had all the usual problems that come with one spouse being a step parent. Sometimes I think maybe that is why she tried to be their friend as well as mother.
Fast foward to now. My wife and son are best friends (at least she is his), we rarely have time alone and when we are all together it’s like me, my wife and her buddie. I feel guilty for the way it makes me feel, and wonder if I would feel differently if I were our son’s real dad. Sometimes I cannot hide the fact that something is wrong, but I cannot talk to my wife about it because it always leads to a conflict. Our son has no real friends, no girl friend and almost never leaves home. I just pray to God for strength and I try to deal with my feelings, I don’t know what else to do. Things just seem way out of balance, so I just try to hang on and hope once our son graduates high school he will begin to put together his own life.
(USA) This is a continuation of my previous post. I want to add that our son is a wonderful young man, a son to be proud of, none of our issues are due to him in any way. I wish I knew if my feelings are just selfishness on my part. My wife has told me before that I have made her life hard, because she has had to try to please the kids and me for our entire marriage. I love my wife and I love our kids, I am in it for life but I am afraid for the quality of our marriage, I just wish things in our family could be as God intends.
(USA) Don, I sympathize, I have a similiar situation in my home but it is my biological oldest daughter. I feel guilty, somewhat feeling resentment towards the situation, BUT, all my reading on the subject to understand my feelings tell me this is called emotional incest or triangulation. Wow, that sounds really nasty and I KNOW there are no sexual boundries being violated, my daughter too is very bright, beautiful and successful, outwardly. But my concern for her still unmarried, and saying she never will is the inward effects, she cannot understand as her father (that pretty much neglected her during most of her childhood) uses her to incite jealousy on my part and make me seem awful and jealous.
This meets HIS needs, but severly damages hers. Our once close relationship suffers greatly and she often treats me like an underling, and patronizes me, and speaks to me in a tone more like a mistress might, with great contempt and trying to manipulate herself into MY role as wife and mom. She is inside somewhat of an emotional mess, as she too is guilty of trying to take my place, in a more wifely role, and yes manifests all the symptoms listed as to the ill effects this “emotional incest” can have on the targeted spouse substitute.
This isn’t just father daughter fondness, as they actually spent a good deal of time living together both times my husband and I have separated. In short they give each other molly coddeling and support in ways I find disturbing and inapproriate. He, nor she seems interested when I express concern or try to get either to act more approriate, and both actually bristle when I even hint at this not being in anyone’s best interest and actually embarassing the rest of the family and to my husband, that he is hurting his other children with the overtly kinda sick favoritism he shows this vulnerable, but not so innocent child, who should know better, or at least bow out of the situations she is in, if her Dad won’t.
Nope, they defend it to the death… yes the death of his and my marriage, not the entire reason, but kinda a straw on the camel back too much issue. I don’t or can’t say this is done on purpose… on anyone’s part or that they really mean to do what they are doing to shut out everyones NATURAL place in the order of things, but often it is quite obvious that there companionship needs are exceeding boundries here, and not peer oriented.
Knowing my husband’s narcissistic tendencies this gives him a double gain, to have others think she is his wife, hurting me for his injuries, and allowing him to play knight in shinning armor. She, no longer has to do the work of finding herself a husband, feels safe and special and can talk down to mom, and keep all intact as he ALWAYS defends her, and they have more like husband and wife language and defense of each other…to include using the same words. If I say anything to either of them I’m lecturing.
How can you complain that a child, (really an ADULT child) is purposefully trying to take your place, or a husband is purposefully (or wife in your case) putting a child in his wifes rightfull place? The accuser or left out spouse seems petty, and mean spirited, to say the least. There is no answer or solution that I can find, but I for one KNOW this is not healthy, mature, or remotely right at all in my mind. I am constantly shut out as if my husband is having an affair or has another wife, my relationship with her is very strained at times, and he, well his is an ass deliberately ham it up with her and her contrived NEEDS if I complain. It is shameful and humilating and I will no longer bear it and will have a happy life, someday in spite of how much this deliberate hurt is always with me. Actually, I will probably NEVER function normally with trust in anyone again. Well, it doesn’t seem so now, at least.
(USA) Wow, I am amazed to read about the healthy marriages, consoled by the horrible ones (sorry mine is disolving after 34 years) and have concluded, that only two ADULTS (mentally mature) can have a healthy family foundation that basically eliminates the other issues and “acting out” that both men and women can do for the attention, support, and affection they are starved for. I did not want to live or parent alone, while “helping out” was appreciated……I saw it more as being a responsible adult, and was constantly upset by my husband’s self-serving ways thoughout the early years of our marriage. He was 32 and I was 23, and he had been married before with two children. I know why that marriage failed now, it wasn’t the war, but his immaturity).
Why would ANYONE marry anyone if what they wanted was the life of a teenager? Man or woman, what they really must have been looking for was a parent substitute. This is NOT mature. Now my still immature husband, trying to please me is obsessed with triangulating our CLEARLY grown daughters in ways that made me realize he is still immature and passive aggressively putting them ahead of US. You may think the messages are to be ignored when they first crop up, but trust me sooner or later the bitter pill of “no marriage at all” will choke in the whole family’s throat. Best lesson, age is not a measure of maturity. Choose wisely.
(USA) I want also to add, being a passive aggressive and immature man, naturally he would ignore small children almost entirely and me; then when clearly time to let go, would insist on husbanding the single daughter who was most effected by HIS earlier neglect. She doesn’t realize she is being done this way, he needs to show the world his children can still love him, is running a “whose the better person” war still and like he did when they were young and being ignored by HIM, and he is still more concerned with avoidance than being anyone’s spouse.
(USA) You know, I absolutely had to cut into this discussion because a lot of men seem to be doing a lot of complaining while skipping around a fact of life (on purpose, I’m sure): WOMEN DO MAJORITY IF NOT ALL OF THE HOUSEWORK AND CHILDREARING. What a lot of men are experiencing as far as their wives “not having time” is their own fault, my husband included. I have 4 children and have been married for 8 years; my husband has never lifted a finger to do anything around the house or anything for the 4 children that are home ‘with the both of us’ under 5 (yes, that is correct he is home everyday just like me). My husband runs a business from home and since he has employees he doesn’t really work. I can look out of our window and see him everyday sitting on his behind laughing and chatting away while I’m in the house with the kids. I thought that his being home would mean I would have his help… NOPE. I do all the cooking, all the cleaning, all the anything regarding the children. He won’t change diapers, he won’t do bedtime, bathtime, cleanup after them or him. And if I leave to run to the store and they need anything, he won’t do that either. I can say with 100 percent certainty that although married I’m raising my kids alone. He has starved our kids alot during my routine shopping which means that before I leave I have to make sure everything is in order cause he will do nothing.
I am pregnant right now with a fifth unplanned and unwanted pregnancy and it is only unwanted because my husband does nothing. I have even prayed that God will spare me this child because the man I married has been useless as far as parenting. I got married thinking that was best for a family but what I found out was most married mothers might as well be single mothers, they pull most of the weight at home. Women need to be able to relax when they are at home too and it should be as much of a place of comfort for them as the man, yet home is like being clocked in at work for the most of us and instead of two, husband and wife tackling household and child responsibilities, you dump it onto your tired wives. It is the lack of consideration that has your wives withdrawn …how can you not see that she needs your help at home? Oh that’s right you see it, but men staying true to form have been playing for years like they don’t, they keep frustrating their wives and wanting them to be ‘ol faithful’ at the end of the day.
Have you guys checked the stats? Do you know women end up more unhappy in marriages than men? Did you also know that institution of marriage itself benefits you more than your wife? You know why, because you get to have someone to take care of all of the stuff you don’t want to deal with and you also get to ignore the needs of the person doing so. Then you act like you don’t know what’s wrong with your wife when she’s told you one million times already what you can do for her, which will in turn make her do more for you. Anyway, I’m not blaming you guys, the world has programmed you to be as selfish as possible, to pretend like you don’t hear you wife and to act surprised and hurt when she starts pulling away. Your wives are people too they are not robots and if they are mothers their plates are full. Why won’t you lighten the load, why is that so hard to understand or are you guys still pretending that you don’t know this will actually solve some of your problems? Google it, this issue of men not pulling their weight at home and even some of them not even working, good grief. I mean it tops the list folks. You guys are doing this to yourselves.
(UNITED STATES) I am terribly sorry that you have a deadbeat of a husband, but you can’t paint all men, especially all men here on this blog like your husband. And again not all cases are identical, there are cases where a man does pull as much weight as he can, yet hardly gets acknowledged for it.
We’ll if I were you I would tell him how you’re feeling and encourage him to change and thank him for things he does do around the house. You know small things. And don’t abort your child or anything. This child could be the most wonderful child ever. You never know. I was an unplanned child too. However I’ve skipped a grade for my knowledge of art. And despite my dyslexia I can read at a much better level than any kid my age. I’m 17, by the way. I’ve even been in a couple art competitions and was considered to be entered in a Proventil one.
(USA) In my haste to join this discussion, I didn’t use good punctuation or grammar, and probably didn’t make much sense, so my first post did not appear, but my equally poor second follow up apparently did.
Gender differences and needs aside, MATURITY is the real key to successful parenting and marriage success. A man that pours all his time into his job, and expects HIS entitlement to relax and do little at home, is to me showing immaturity in that he cannot see his wife’s sacrifices and that she is STILL at it when he comes home and often late into the nite. God in all his wisdom, holds the man accountable first, in how he leads his family.
Often by his selfish and self-serving acts of overworking to AVOID his family, a man has stated his job and money will be God in their house. So, after the hurtful insight that the wife and kids are low on his ladder of importance, and after many attempts to arrive at balance, it is NOT at all unusual for a woman to double if not triple her efforts towards protecting the children from his poor leadership. He will often lose all those “earnings” later in life if not sooner when he goes though an emotionally and financially costly divorce.
Yes, income sufficient (realistically) to provide most basic and some extras is all that is needed. Many men tie everything, including their identities up in their job. This wrong priority is often evidenced in his frequent declarations that HE makes the money and that makes him the boss…he’s more important, entitled to selfish acts, and of more value that his wife or children. Husbands who miss God’s message, often find themselves with wives that spend too much, shut him out, and over focus on the home and family to make up for his neglect. If all one gets out of a spouse is money, (he is usually very guarding and stingy like a King his crown of Godliness) wives often have no trouble expecting to actually USE some of this money to fill the hours (idle shopping, etc) that he has left a void with his more than needed absences and neglect. This is a safe outlet for women who, don’t want the family pain of cheating, drinking or divorce to deal with this misplaced tyranny. Often friends and family use this gap in reality to intrude into the family in not so healthy ways. Lonely and neglected wives, need some “peer group” stimulation, and someone who listens to how hurt and unhappy they are. Bingo, a recipe for divorce sooner or later. The same men that ONLY care about money and the power it gives them are the ones more likely to complain how SHE and those kids ripped them off at the divorice. So sad, and so avoidable. It is often a predicitable cause and effect chain reaction of disaster.
Exactly! Exactly! Exactly! Most therapeutic comment here.
(US) I see a lot of married folks do the tit for tat deal… “why should I do this when he or she doesn’t do that”… If you compete and compare in any aspect of your life you will always view yourself as the victim. It will lead to resentment and wrathful actions.
Speaking from my marital experience of 24 years we have grappled with the issue of one spouse admittedly putting the children ahead of the marriage. It was a devastating commentary and I believe it boils down to marital expectations and how couples define marriage.
For me personally, I did not marry my kids. I do not expect to grow old with them under the same roof. They are the wonderful fruit of our union and all 3 were lovingly planned. I love having them around and I have grown tremendously as a person for the things they have taught me about life. I know there will come a day when they will leave our nest and have families of their own. But I did not come before God and family 24 years ago and pledge “till death do us part” and “for better or worse” with my children. That is a special bond that only a husband and wife can share. No person should take precedent over that marital bond.
The marriage and spouse must come first or the example set for the children will be the wrong one. The “kids before spouse” mindset will weaken the union and may lead to negative social aspects that in the end will may do more harm to the children than good. Just look at how miserable, bitter and caustic many of the posts are. If married couples truly want to do what’s best for the children, men and women, put your spouse first.
(CANADA) Hi guys and gals. I have been reading your messages, some I feel for very little. I have been married for 14 years to the most wonderful woman in the world. I too have made mistakes along the way; unfortunately you don’t know until it’s too late.
My wife and I got together out of previous marriages. I have six children and she has two; most of my children don’t like my wife (blame her for our marriage breakup), but that’s not so. My first marriage was finished years before; we just stayed together out of responsibility for our children. She brought her kids up for the most part on her own. Now don’t get me wrong… I understand that maternal instinct exists and it should. My wife now is walking, and it is pretty devastating for me, because I worship the ground she walks on. Her children know more about my life than I do. For example, she was flying out West to see her son, which was not and is not a problem with me. Her brother phoned me and asked me when she was coming, I didn’t know. Daughter phones up (she’s 28), Mum can you come help me do my laundry, meanwhile we have ours here to be done. Yesterday I went to my wife’s work to gave her fruit that she wanted at 7:30 at night. I found out she was shopping with her daughter instead of being at work. I do most of the work in the home and cook her meals. Don’t know what else to do to keep this lady. You know, we only pray to God when need him and I am no different. I just pray that he will send me some kind of hope.
(USA) My wife and I have this issue as well. I don’t know what the answer is. She’s like several of the women that have already posted here -that the husband should grow up and accept the lack of attention like a man, that it’s absurd for a woman to put her husband first. Then the complaints that we don’t share responsibility in raising the kids. Well, this is nonsense. It’s a generalization that isn’t helpful at all.
My wife and I haven’t had sex since our 2.5 year old son was conceived. I’ve tried to talk to her in as nice a way as possible but she gets defensive instantly. She’s explicitly stated that our son comes first and he will start school before she can make time for me – another 2.5 years. I’m sorry, but I will be emotionally gone far before that point.
I love her deeply. I DO take responsibility for my son, and I DO work 10 hours a day at my job AND do things around the house to help her.
1) I do my own laundry and a couple of loads of towels/kids clothes on the weekends -consistently.
2) I get up with him early on the weekends so she can sleep in.
3) I’m with my son as soon as I get home until 8:00 PM.
4) I bathe my son EVERY DAY.
5) I take my son to the zoo.
6) I do dishes.
7) I take out trash.
8) I spend what little free time I have on the weekends doing the yard.
9) I do the grocery shopping -every week, and have for 3 years.
PLUS, I make sure that she has money. I make sure her oil is changed in her car. I make sure she has time to relax every day, and lots of time on the weekends. On top of that, I keep in shape. I weigh less than I did when we married, by a good many pounds. I’m in the gym by 5:30 every morning.
I’m still dead last, even behind the dogs, in terms of any physical affection. No date nights, no intimacy, nothing. I’m low maintenance. A couple of hours a week of time for “us” and this wouldn’t be an issue, but she cannot even do that.
(UNITED STATES) Is there any way you and your wife can have somebody babysit you child, especially among any of the family members?
Does your wife know that neglecting you will deter your son from eventually wanting to get married himself one day? There is a possibility of this, when he finds out how neglectful wives can be. If she doesn’t put you first, don’t put her first. Seriously man. God doesn’t obligate us to put our wives first, even if she doesn’t.
(USA) I think if you really have tried everything else then it’s time to be honest with her and say that if this continues, you will take it as she has abandoned the marriage. She can either return to the marriage you had before your child or you will not be part of this one-sided marriage.
Personally, I think what you describe is no different than someone walking out on their spouse. She is there as a roommate, but she is not there as a spouse. She can either rejoin the marriage or there is little reason for you to remain as a betrayed husband. That’s right. This is just as much a betrayal as if she were sleeping with other men. If it continues, I would pursue a controlled separation with the goal of restoring the marriage, and put the ball in her court, suggesting that she end her betrayal and rejoin you in having a Godly marriage.
I’m not saying divorce. What I’m saying is to demonstrate the natural consequences of what happens to someone who betrays their spouse and breaks their vows. Not being there for your spouse is betraying your vows, and it’s clear from what you describe that she is not there for you, but is there for the child.
You are doing the bare minimum. And yes, plan date nights! The last thing a woman wants to do, when she already does most of the childrearing (even with everything you mentioned, there’s still a lot more that she’s doing than you. I know….I have 3 kids), is also be in charge of finding a babysitter and planning a date.
Also, do you ever clothes shop for the kids? Do the yearly or bi-annual closet clean out, swapping of clothes sizes? Figure what to do with all the extra clothes? Do you schedule health appointments and take them to them? Do you clean all the floors all the time? Do you do the bulk of the laundry? Do you plan out family activities and holiday fun? Do you keep track of birthday party invites and gifts? Do you enroll the kids for school? Take/pick them up from school? Know who their friends are? Do you organize the household mail, misc. items, cabinets, drawers? Do you dust? Do you wash windows? Do you plan meals? Do you handle making sure all the bills are paid? Do you make sure the kids are in activities/swim lessons? Do you take the time to make sure they get exercise outside/play at the park/go for a walk or bike ride? Do you teach them things? Do you cook/bake with them? Do you do your daughter’s hair? Do you change the bedding? Do you pick up their toys? I could go on and on….but what you are doing is the least you can do. Imagine if your wife were to die. What would you know how to do, or what she even did?
Wait a second here…He already does a lot. More than my own husband. Relationships are a two way street. If he were my husband (and I do this for mine). I say thank you for all you do I appreciate it. I love you. Big hug and kiss… May or may not lead elsewhere, most often it does. I remember one day I had a horrible day at work. I came home to a drawn bubble bath, glass of wine and him cooking. What I do in return is, say thank you and after dinner, he got a foot rub, back massage and dessert…It’s not very difficult to make each other feel important, appreciated, respected, wanted and loved.
(USA) My dad only cares about my older brother, and the rest of us including me and my mom are nothing. He spends most of his paycheck on my older brother. I work two jobs and so does my mom and he says we’re lazy. He has asked MY friends for money for my brother.
(CANADA) Megan there are of course always exceptions to the rule. That seems ridiculous to me. Either I am missing a lot of the back story or this man is a selfish person I’ll say for this site. Realize also that if you do all you can for your father and mother, that is all you can do! Do right in the eyes of God and that is all you can do. And remember! Although hard for someone you begin to dislike, try to pray for him to see the errors of his misguided ways. If God sees fit, he will take it in his own hands.