How Much Sex Is Normal?

sex normal - Dollar Photo unhappy woman lying in bed stressedSo, you haven’t had much sex with your spouse lately, huh? How much sex is normal? Well, one in five couples are living in “sexless” marriages, sex experts say, meaning having sex fewer than 10 times a year. And one-third of married couples struggle with the problem of mismatched sexual desire. It’s the main reason couples seek counseling. And in Silicon Valley, [California] where couples are working long hours to pay high mortgages or are desperately searching for jobs during a recession, fatigue and stress only make matters worse.

“I’ve been married 10 years. There were times when once in three months was a good thing,” said a 33-year-old Santa Clara County employee who didn’t want her name used. “It’s feeding the kids, getting them to bed, all after putting in a full day and commuting. I have a ‘no-sex-after-8 o’clock’ rule. When I crawl into bed, I want to go to sleep.”

Low Sex Drive

Low sex drive is such a problem,” said Al Cooper of the San Jose Marital and Sexuality Centre. It’s considered the “common cold of sexual issues of the new millennium.”

Whether sex drives are lower in general now than in years past is uncertain. But one thing is sure, Cooper said: “Women are complaining more.” When it comes to seeking counseling, it’s the women who are dragging the men into sex therapy offices. And in these instances, contrary to popular belief, it’s the husbands with low desire. “In our society, it’s more culturally acceptable for the woman to have no sex drive,” Cooper said. “When the man has no sex drive, it’s more upsetting to both of them.”

Sexless marriages seem to be the constant talk these days. You hear it from Oprah and Dr. Phil (who calls it an “undeniable epidemic”) to numerous books climbing the bestseller charts, including “The Sex-Starved Marriage” by Michele Weiner Davis. New York Magazine wrote a recent story about “Generation Sexless.” Young New Yorkers are so busy with their careers and demanding toddlers they have little time or desire for sex.

How Much is Normal?

So, how much sex is “normal?” Sex experts are reluctant to quantify how much sex is enough sex. (It could make some couples feel wholly inadequate, and some couples get along just fine without much sex.) But while fewer than 10 times a year is considered sexless, having sex once or twice a week is considered average.

“Unlike vitamins, there are no daily minimum requirements,” said Weiner Davis, who wrote The Sex-Starved Marriage. “If both spouses are satisfied with having a sex-lite marriage, that’s great. However, it’s much more often the case that couples are polarized. It’s normal that one person is unhappy with the quality and quantity of their sex life and the other is saying, ‘What’s the big deal? Get a life.'”

Only 40% of married couples say they’re very satisfied with their sex lives, Weiner Davis said. While medical problems and some medications can cause loss of desire —including some antidepressants and some birth control pills —most problems revolve around differing and unfulfilled expectations.

Heather and Jarad, who have been married for 5 years and have a 6-month-old daughter, say it’s hard to squeeze in time for sex, or to even work up the desire, in their hectic lives. The couple, who commute to San Jose from Hollister each day, say they’re lucky to have sex twice, maybe three times, a month. “It’s the game of trying to slip it in when the baby’s sleeping,” Jarad said. “It’s a fight for time.” “There are times when I may want to. Perhaps he may not want to,” Heather added. “It’s important for me to have that time to remember I’m not just a mother, I’m his wife.”

Changes in What is Normal

Dramatic changes in men’s and women’s roles over the past decades also have altered expectations of marriage —and corresponding feelings about sex.

“I look back to my parents’ generation. They had it a little easier. Their roles were carved out,” Weiner Davis said. “Now in relationships, although we have a lot more freedom, it’s hard, because everything is up for grabs. Who takes the garbage out? Who gets up with the baby? In a sense we have to invent our marriages. And with that freedom comes conflict.”

In addition to stress and exhaustion, experts say, anger and resentment can build to the point where sex stops. Other factors in sexless marriages include subverting one’s sex drive to, say, pornographic Internet sites or affairs with other people. “I saw a doctor last week who wasn’t having sex with his wife but was looking at pictures of big-breasted women on the Internet,” Cooper said. “We see this a lot in the valley.”

Negotiate the Times

In general, however, a couple’s problems are often less about sex, per se, than getting to the sex, Cooper said. No couple’s willingness for sex at any given time lines up perfectly, he said. The key is how well a couple negotiates the times when one initiates and the other refuses.

“If it becomes a major battle every time, the person with the lower sex drive feels constantly barraged and harassed about sex. The one with the high sex drive feels constantly deprived, and the fights get more intense each time,” Cooper said. “We see there that the sex just drops away.” And when the sex stops, often the casual affection stops. The hand-holding, the laughing at each other’s jokes, the sitting next to each other on the couch all stop. When relationships become that icy, they risk infidelity and, ultimately, divorce.

About half the population needs to make a real effort to feel desire, Weiner Davis said. A reluctant spouse must make a “decision for desire,” she said. “If you wait for the feeling to sort of wash over you, when the dogs are out of the house, the phones are not ringing, the kids are in bed, you’re never going to have sex.”

Couples need to put as much energy into their sex lives as their job and children, she said. Set the mood early in the day with simple flirtations around the house, a patting on the rear end, complimenting the spouse’s appearance. And of course, avoid bickering before bedtime. Couples with more deep-seated problems should seek counseling.

Is it Normal for you Not to Be in the Mood?

“I wish I had a dollar for everyone who said ‘I wasn’t in the mood when I started, but I really got into it,'” she said. “One of the best ways to make it happen is to be receptive to your spouse’s advances.”

It’s advice that the 33-year-old woman with the “no-sex-after-8” rule didn’t take. She and her husband are separating. “The world is just very busy,” she said. “You need to have a two-income household. You pay a price for it.”

This article came from The Mercury News— Feb. 14, 2003. It was titled, Is it the New Epidemic? written by Julia Prodis Sulek. It’s not written from a Christ-follower’s view point but we think it’s very sound advice.

We, at Marriage Missions, don’t feel that God would have us “pay the price” of sacrificing our marriages because we’re too “busy” to have sex. Scripturally we feel that God wants us to work with each other. That is as long as it doesn’t go against scriptural grounds, to accommodate each other’s sexual needs.

Scriptures Concerning Sex

The scriptural basis we see for this can be found in the Bible in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 where it says,

“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone, but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”

Below is an additional article on what is normal in how often you and your spouse make love. It also addresses some of the issues mentioned above, and gives suggestions to help you in the ways you may need it:

Sexual Frequency in Marriage: 3 Common Questions

You can also read about other specifics on this matter in the SEXUAL ISSUES topic. Just take your pick of what you want to read.

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Filed under: Sexual Issues

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Comments

668 responses to “How Much Sex Is Normal?

  1. (CANADA)  My Wife and I figured it out – and it took close to 20 years to do it. We schedule sex. We have sex EVERY other morning unless she has her period – she does not want to have sex when she has her period. We had a few elements involved -one being reliable birth control that works for both of us. We use an IUD – Paraguard and it is flawless for us. Condoms did not work well for us – not enough feeling or warmth and we wanted it as natural as could be.

    Another part was we found we liked morning sex better than any other time of the day. It is important so it is the first thing we do and we put it ahead of anything else in our day. We wake early and we enjoy one another for a minimum of one hour, more on the weekends. It is not boring; it is more romantic than any spontaneous sex we ever had. We look forward to our scheduled times. I shower the night before, shave, put on cologne and I make the bed and lay out lingerie for her to wear and she wears it.

    I am 53 and she is soon to be 49 and we now have enough sex and we enjoy each other in bed. There is no arguing anymore. She enjoys herself as do I and there is no pressure. We know we will have sex and we both look forward to it together.

    1. (USA)  I’m not sure about the scheduling of sex but I do agree on the time of sex. My hubby and I are opposite. He’s a morning and I’m a night person, so that put us at odds for a while. However, I’m a night owl and don’t sleep much so I usually wake him up in the morning. Nothing like sending him off to work happy!

      My point is, this will only work and get better if both partners are willing to work on it. If neither is, or one isn’t, nothing will change. And, I have been that frigid wife too. It lasted about a year after our first child. I felt fat and ugly but made him feel like a crazed pervert for wanting sex. What woke me up was his final confrontation. Why stay married to a roommate? It took some time but I worked on my self esteem and now, I jump him for sex!

      Sex isn’t THE most important factor in a marriage but it is one of them. Maybe staying married in a sexless marriage isn’t the right/good thing to do. Resentment will inevitably appear and it takes an eternity to get rid of.

  2. (US)  I want feedback, We have been married for 10 years now. It’s an arranged marriage. We have 1 daughter. For the past 2 years, sex has been 2-3 times a month. We do heavy foreplay each and every day. We crave for each other. I am wondering why actual penetration is not happening more often? But I am very very satisfied with foreplay, talking and closeness. He helps me around the house and we are also emotionally close. I need feedback. Is actual penetration important?

  3. (USA)  I’ve been reading all these comments trying to find some perspective. I’m the wife with the lower sex drive many of the men have been complaining about. Maybe we can discuss this and gain some understanding of the other side’s point of view. I’d like to understand my husband better and would certainly be happy to share the “wife’s” side to anyone who feels their situation is similar.

    I’ve been married for 14 years and have two kids, 8 and 9 years old. We’re both early 40s. We started having problems pretty early in the marriage and many of those initial problems have blown up to create the issues we’re having now.

    When we were dating we had a great sex life, but we also had an active social life as well. We went out every weekend and spent lots of time just talking and being together. Almost immediately following the marriage, he turned into a different person altogether. We stopped going out anywhere, ever. He preferred to play video games with his back to me all night. I became a World of Warcraft Widow. He’d get really angry if I interrupted his game and bite my head off.

    Because I was in love, I complied. I lost touch with my friends and watched TV each weekend while he ignored me, until he wanted sex. Then, he noticed I existed. If I said no he’d either yell at me or give me the silent treatment for the rest of the day. I knew that if I refused him he’d treat me like crap so I usually gave in to keep the harmony in the household, though I felt really used, like his personal blow up doll, to be put away after the dead was done.

    He refused to go to marriage counseling. After a while, I stopped complaining about it and this pattern became normal. When the kids came it became easier to fall into this lifestyle. I’d take the kids out for play dates on the weekends while he stayed home. He’d come out to hit on me every now and then. My feeling was, “I haven’t seen you in days and now you want sex?” But no matter how many times I tried to explain to him that I needed a bit more human interaction before I’d want to get intimate, he refused to change his pattern. He’d bite my head off, and then turn his anger at me on the kids and yell at them too.

    Finally, after warning him for years that one day I was going to stop caring about him at all if he kept behaving this way, I snapped. I told him I was seriously sick of him and that I thought it was time to split up. He finally agreed to go to counseling. We’ve been seeing a therapist for about 6 months now. I know that he’s seriously trying to change, but I’m still so resentful about being treated that way that I don’t want to be anywhere near him most of the time, much less have sex. He doesn’t yell at me anymore when I say no, but if we go 4 days without sex he still gets cold and sulky and cranky with me and the kids. I can set a watch by it. Even my few friends notice and comment on how angry he seems, but he just says it’s my imagination and he’s totally changed.

    He still spends the majority of his free time in his office on the computer and pops out every now and then (less than an hour a day) to spend time with the kids and me. He’s trying to be positive and playful with me, but his interaction with me is still always sexual, rubbing against me and making lewd comments, waiting for me when I get out of the bath so he can watch me change. It still feels like I’m of no use unless it’s to warm his bed. He gets very insulted when I say this and claims that I’m trying to repress him. I’ll admit that I’m pretty chilly to him now, but I had to develop a tough skin over the last 14 years. I know he’s trying but I worry that its too late and I won’t be able to soften my heart to him again. I don’t want to end my marriage, but I have to wonder if there’s any hope at all.

    1. (USA)  You stated you’re in counseling but it doesn’t seem to be working. I say that because you also state you don’t want him around you. Maybe you need a trial separation. Right now, he still has things his way. You’re still with him and doing the wifely duties while he gets to play WoW and ignore you until he needs sex. The trial separation will let you a) see if you really want to be with each other or b) realize it’s just not worth the trouble. If it’s (a), he may woo you and put real effort into it. If it’s (b), well, divorce might be your solution.

  4. (USA)  How amazing to hear there are other people in this situation too. I feel like you’ve been listening to my thoughts.

    I’m 39, male and have been married to my best friend for 11 years. I feel like to marry me…she upped her sex drive artificially and then two years after the ring, things started to plummet. Now we’re lucky if we have sex once every 3 months.

    We’ve always really been devoted to each other…playful and affectionate…but for her its like cuddling and hand-holding fulfills all she needs. She’s semi-oblivious that I need more. I say “semi” because we’d discussed this problem over the years until we’re both blue in the face.

    I’ve tried being extra romantic. I’ve tried doing extra housework to reduce her stress (no kids yet). It boils down to the fact that sex is just not a big thing for her, while it’s almost all I think about!!!

    A year ago she finally told me that she’s never had an orgasm from sex (only masturbation) and I was CRUSHED. I know for sure that I’ve given other girls an orgasm (not an ego thing for me…so much as a wanting her to enjoy sex too)…so I was hurt that she faked it for a DECADE! I’ve tried asking her what feels good to her for years…and letting her totally take over and guide things…but since she takes a long time to orgasm, I think she feels self-conscious and just wants to give up.

    Meanwhile, I’m going months without sex…and feeling totally unattractive myself! I know guys aren’t supposed to act like wimps, but I don’t think this issue gets enough discussion. It really makes a man feel worthless in bed and unattractive when a woman never initiates.

    My wife says, “I’ll have sex if you just tell me…” but who wants to spend years at a time having to beg for sex…and where the partner isnt even attracted enough to think of sex??!

    Now she wants to get pregnant so she will ask for sex once in awhile…but still weeks or months at a time. And she’s gotten so overweight (not dreadfully, but not the girl I married) that I can’t keep a hardon for her.

    If we weren’t SUCH great friends and her the love of my life, I’d have left years ago. I sit in the velvet prison…

  5. (USA)  My sex drive dropped after I lost a sixth pregnancy (which I did not want). We already have five children and live at the poverty level, so having another child is very unattractive. He insists that we use natural family planning which is left up to me. As you can tell I am not very good at it. I’ve never had an formal training in it because he refuses to go to any of the classes.

    I absolutely do not want any more children so days 8-18 are off limits in my cycle. We used to have sex whenever he wanted it around the “free times” even if I really didn’t feel like it. I didn’t just lay there but I wasn’t a tigeress either. He was angry that I didn’t want to have sex because he needed the connection. Now he insists that I be the aggressor while he just lays there. I need to wear sexy nightgowns and be creative and inventive. I’m sorry but when you have low desire anyway, this just kills what little is there. I can certainly be the aggressor some of the time, but now it is all the time. I’m so sick of it that it has now killed my desire for him 100%. I still think about sex so I know that it is how I feel about him that is contributing to this.

    He is very controlling and checks the internet sites I visit, complains about what I put on my Facebook page etc. and even when the sex was good he is a major grump!! I am so fed up with him!! (By the way, I now use my safety devices to wipe the computer.)

  6. (USA)  I have a question for all you guys out there? My husband says he cant have sex during the work week because then he’s too tired. I thought he was maybe cheating on me but now I don’t think that’s the case. DOES SEX MAKE MEN TIRED???

  7. (USA)  Let me begin by saying I understand the flack I’m going to get. I’m not sure why I’m even commenting. I am male, single (never married), and have no children. I come from a long line of kind, caring, and moral Southern Baptists.

    I once considered adultery to be one of the worst sins one could commit. However, as I grew older, I repeatedly met people in sexless or near-sexless marriages (both men and women). I was, and continue to be, shocked by this. I can understand a lack of sexual interest if there are good reasons (abuse, illness, medication side-effects, lack of respect, etc), but so much of it seems to lack any legitimate reason(s) whatsoever. Why anyone would deny someone they love and themselves the gift of sexual intimacy befuddles me.

    Here comes the part where I get into trouble. I became close friends with a married woman at work. After a few years and much discussion, we became and continue to be lovers.

    In addition to her, I am involved sexually with two other married women who were and are friends of mine. All three are attractive, smart, and interesting – and all three are in sexless marriages due to the husbands’ lack of interest (one hasn’t had sex with her husband in 3 years, one in a little over a year, and the third’s husband will only grant quickie sex 2 to 3 times a year after much begging by his wife). These relationships continue and are long-term – 8yrs, 4yrs, and 2.5yrs, respectively.

    I knew each of them well for at least 3 years before anything “happened”. I also know their husbands. Oh, and while they do not know each other, I have been honest and told them of the others.

    Optimal situation? No. Would my family disapprove? Absolutely. Do I feel guilty? No longer. Feel free to open fire!

  8. (USA)  Hi, I have read all of your comments but have not seen anyone talk about this: my husband is 64 I am 50. I used to love to have sex but I now take antidepressants for clinical depression. It has lowered my sex drive but I would love to have sex at least once a week. He wants it every other day. So ok, here you go.

    When we do make love, foreplay for him is my breast and he stays there. I have told him what I like but nope, he centers on my breast. And I don’t like it. It actually puts me out of the mood. So any suggestions?

  9. (UK)  Hello all, just a quck question. Is it justified to be unfaithful to your husband if you don’t get appreciated physically, not touched or deprived of sex? I don’t enjoy my husband physically anymore and I am having thoughts about being unfaithful. Thank you.

  10. (US)  My wife and I have been together for 5 years. As of lately, past 4-5 months, she has been really nagging about my lack of sex drive. We have sex 2-3 times a week and she thinks this is practically a zero sex life. I work part-time, attend graduate school, and teach at the university. I always have something to do and sex is not on my mind all the time. I’m even accused of cheating at this point in our relationship, it’s tough.

    1. (USA)  Trent, I want to offer you some advice because I am in the same situation as your wife. My husband is so busy it seems to be the last thing on his mind. This is hurtful to a woman because our society indicates men to be the ones that chase women for sex. When it is the other way around, it makes women feel really insecure and they can easily be tempted to accept attention from someone else.

      Make sure you compliment her and tell her you think she is hot. Make sure you flirt with her, send her flowers, take her to dinner, and show her you care, otherwise your busy schedule will be misinterpreted. Good luck.

  11. (AUSTRALIA)  I’ve being with my boyfriend for 6 months now and boy, I tell you sex was like always on the menu for dessert just after dinner. Now that we are living separately, but still see each other during weekends, sex is now more of an obligation, not about intimacy anymore. We have odd hours and my sleep is important to me just as his. However, I don’t consider sex to be that important but see spending time together as more important, talking and showing affection, compassion, openess, depth and equality is more important than just sex. Sex, I belive is there to bring the couple together.

  12. (USA)  WOW… I was searching the net because I wanted to see what people consider a normal sex life and if people had same issues as me. I guess I am a lost cause because I am in a happy relationship other than for the lack of sex. I will be lucky if I get it once every 8 months. Yes, that’s right 8 months, sometimes longer. I know what you’re thinking, I am lying. Well I am not. She is so uninterested in sex but we have a loving relationship and a great fa, 2 girls, a new born and 4 1/2 year old.

    The last time I have had it was to make the baby and then that was it. I don’t know what to do. She shows no affection at all and when I try to talk to her about things she agrees with me and tells me how much she loves me and doesn’t even bring it up ever again. She just listens and offers no conversation back.

    I have become a watcher of porn now and used that to get by. This was a mistake because now I choose to do that rather than push her for sex. I love her so much and she is a great mom. She cooks, cleans and takes care of kids while I support us by working two jobs.

    I know what you’re thinking, I have no time for her because of work but it’s not true. I show her affection and have so much interest in making her happy, fulfilling her needs and try and ask her what I am doing wrong but again she just listens and says nothing… I don’t know what to do as I have become so unattracted to her I probably couldn’t even do it if I wanted to.

    It makes me so sad that I want to cry… and then go cheat on her not because I don’t love her but because I don’t know what it’s like to have sex with a woman. I try and pray but it only makes me more frustrated, believing that if there were a God why doesn’t he help me???

  13. (USA)  I could not believe that so many women were experiencing what I have been enduring for over 25 years now. I cannot describe in adequate terms the deep hurt and resentment it has caused. In every other aspect, my husband is absolutely wonderful but he does not have the need for affection except for on rare occasions. He used to say that his view of spending time together was knowing that I was in the same house as he was, and that was good enough for him.

    I on the other hand, am very touchy and feely. I used to get my feelings hurt when I would try to go up and hug or kiss him, and his response was a sign, or to tell me not now. He even once told me that if I would just ask permission before I go to get a kiss, then he would let me know if it was a good time or not. My sex drive has always been much higher than his. To make matters worse, he wants me to initate any sexual activity. So, here is the scenario, I want to have sex, so I initiate, and am turned down. But how else am I going to know if he wants to have sex, since he does not want to initiate it? Now you can see the vicious cycle.

    Even if you have the self esteem of a rock star, you cannot endure this over and over again, without starting to feel like there is something less than desireable about you.

    The dangerous part is when our children were grown and I finally had some time for myself and changed careers to be more in the public, other men starting commenting on how beautiful, sexy I was! Imagine my confusion, I was like, “are you talking to me?” Here is my husband who can have me any place, any time, and doesn’t care to, and here are strangers who are ready and willing.

    I have cried myself to sleep so many nights, begging God to take this sex drive away and to make me just not care and then my marraige would be perfect. Then I hit my 40’s and my sex drive went into outer space- I didn’t think I was going to make it through but finally it is almost dead.

    I swear, if I could have taken a pill to kill it I would have. It has been nothing but a curse in my life. Unfortunately, the resentment still lives in my heart. It makes me mad that his needs have always been fulfilled and he has never had to know what it was like to be rejected, while my needs have never been fulfilled.

    I know it’s not right, but now that the sex drive is gone, I don’t even attempt to hug, kiss or initiate anything. I am looking forward to him experiencing just a touch of what I have endured for years.

  14. (USA)  My frustration lies in a decision I made in 1999. After being married to a husband who at the time verbally and mentally abused me, I got a divorce. That relationship was riddled with him using sex to keep me in line (withholding sex or affection as a punishment). My current husband is caring but for the last 9 years of our 11 year marriage we have not had sex regularly. Usually it is once every 6 weeks or more.

    I find it hard to understand how a man can not want sex. And after threats, written agreements, pouting and prayer, I’m still sexless. I have learned to shut down my sexual drive but as any woman knows, there are times during the month when that is almost impossible. my fear is one day I’m not going to be able to contain my humanness.

    Please pray for me and my marriage as I do NOT want to divorce.

  15. (PHILIPPINES)  I can relate your situation… I have a problem with my husband also. I’ve been married for 14 years. Our sex was very satisfying. We have 4 kids now; the last child of mine is 7 months old. He worked as OFW for more than a year. When he got home, I was so exited… I expected to have sex, instead he rejected me. I felt so ashamed of myself. Why would he do that to me? I imagine that he had somebody else. Please, I need help!