So, you haven’t had much sex with your spouse lately, huh? How much sex is normal? Well, one in five couples are living in “sexless” marriages, sex experts say, meaning having sex fewer than 10 times a year. And one-third of married couples struggle with the problem of mismatched sexual desire. It’s the main reason couples seek counseling. And in Silicon Valley, [California] where couples are working long hours to pay high mortgages or are desperately searching for jobs during a recession, fatigue and stress only make matters worse.
“I’ve been married 10 years. There were times when once in three months was a good thing,” said a 33-year-old Santa Clara County employee who didn’t want her name used. “It’s feeding the kids, getting them to bed, all after putting in a full day and commuting. I have a ‘no-sex-after-8 o’clock’ rule. When I crawl into bed, I want to go to sleep.”
Low Sex Drive
Low sex drive is such a problem,” said Al Cooper of the San Jose Marital and Sexuality Centre. It’s considered the “common cold of sexual issues of the new millennium.”
Whether sex drives are lower in general now than in years past is uncertain. But one thing is sure, Cooper said: “Women are complaining more.” When it comes to seeking counseling, it’s the women who are dragging the men into sex therapy offices. And in these instances, contrary to popular belief, it’s the husbands with low desire. “In our society, it’s more culturally acceptable for the woman to have no sex drive,” Cooper said. “When the man has no sex drive, it’s more upsetting to both of them.”
Sexless marriages seem to be the constant talk these days. You hear it from Oprah and Dr. Phil (who calls it an “undeniable epidemic”) to numerous books climbing the bestseller charts, including “The Sex-Starved Marriage” by Michele Weiner Davis. New York Magazine wrote a recent story about “Generation Sexless.” Young New Yorkers are so busy with their careers and demanding toddlers they have little time or desire for sex.
How Much is Normal?
So, how much sex is “normal?” Sex experts are reluctant to quantify how much sex is enough sex. (It could make some couples feel wholly inadequate, and some couples get along just fine without much sex.) But while fewer than 10 times a year is considered sexless, having sex once or twice a week is considered average.
“Unlike vitamins, there are no daily minimum requirements,” said Weiner Davis, who wrote The Sex-Starved Marriage. “If both spouses are satisfied with having a sex-lite marriage, that’s great. However, it’s much more often the case that couples are polarized. It’s normal that one person is unhappy with the quality and quantity of their sex life and the other is saying, ‘What’s the big deal? Get a life.'”
Only 40% of married couples say they’re very satisfied with their sex lives, Weiner Davis said. While medical problems and some medications can cause loss of desire —including some antidepressants and some birth control pills —most problems revolve around differing and unfulfilled expectations.
Heather and Jarad, who have been married for 5 years and have a 6-month-old daughter, say it’s hard to squeeze in time for sex, or to even work up the desire, in their hectic lives. The couple, who commute to San Jose from Hollister each day, say they’re lucky to have sex twice, maybe three times, a month. “It’s the game of trying to slip it in when the baby’s sleeping,” Jarad said. “It’s a fight for time.” “There are times when I may want to. Perhaps he may not want to,” Heather added. “It’s important for me to have that time to remember I’m not just a mother, I’m his wife.”
Changes in What is Normal
Dramatic changes in men’s and women’s roles over the past decades also have altered expectations of marriage —and corresponding feelings about sex.
“I look back to my parents’ generation. They had it a little easier. Their roles were carved out,” Weiner Davis said. “Now in relationships, although we have a lot more freedom, it’s hard, because everything is up for grabs. Who takes the garbage out? Who gets up with the baby? In a sense we have to invent our marriages. And with that freedom comes conflict.”
In addition to stress and exhaustion, experts say, anger and resentment can build to the point where sex stops. Other factors in sexless marriages include subverting one’s sex drive to, say, pornographic Internet sites or affairs with other people. “I saw a doctor last week who wasn’t having sex with his wife but was looking at pictures of big-breasted women on the Internet,” Cooper said. “We see this a lot in the valley.”
Negotiate the Times
In general, however, a couple’s problems are often less about sex, per se, than getting to the sex, Cooper said. No couple’s willingness for sex at any given time lines up perfectly, he said. The key is how well a couple negotiates the times when one initiates and the other refuses.
“If it becomes a major battle every time, the person with the lower sex drive feels constantly barraged and harassed about sex. The one with the high sex drive feels constantly deprived, and the fights get more intense each time,” Cooper said. “We see there that the sex just drops away.” And when the sex stops, often the casual affection stops. The hand-holding, the laughing at each other’s jokes, the sitting next to each other on the couch all stop. When relationships become that icy, they risk infidelity and, ultimately, divorce.
About half the population needs to make a real effort to feel desire, Weiner Davis said. A reluctant spouse must make a “decision for desire,” she said. “If you wait for the feeling to sort of wash over you, when the dogs are out of the house, the phones are not ringing, the kids are in bed, you’re never going to have sex.”
Couples need to put as much energy into their sex lives as their job and children, she said. Set the mood early in the day with simple flirtations around the house, a patting on the rear end, complimenting the spouse’s appearance. And of course, avoid bickering before bedtime. Couples with more deep-seated problems should seek counseling.
Is it Normal for you Not to Be in the Mood?
“I wish I had a dollar for everyone who said ‘I wasn’t in the mood when I started, but I really got into it,'” she said. “One of the best ways to make it happen is to be receptive to your spouse’s advances.”
It’s advice that the 33-year-old woman with the “no-sex-after-8” rule didn’t take. She and her husband are separating. “The world is just very busy,” she said. “You need to have a two-income household. You pay a price for it.”
This article came from The Mercury News— Feb. 14, 2003. It was titled, Is it the New Epidemic? written by Julia Prodis Sulek. It’s not written from a Christ-follower’s view point but we think it’s very sound advice.
We, at Marriage Missions, don’t feel that God would have us “pay the price” of sacrificing our marriages because we’re too “busy” to have sex. Scripturally we feel that God wants us to work with each other. That is as long as it doesn’t go against scriptural grounds, to accommodate each other’s sexual needs.
Scriptures Concerning Sex
The scriptural basis we see for this can be found in the Bible in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 where it says,
“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone, but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
Below is an additional article on what is normal in how often you and your spouse make love. It also addresses some of the issues mentioned above, and gives suggestions to help you in the ways you may need it:
• Sexual Frequency in Marriage: 3 Common Questions
You can also read about other specifics on this matter in the SEXUAL ISSUES topic. Just take your pick of what you want to read.
Filed under: Sexual Issues
(USA) I’ve read some of these replies and wished I knew what to say to most of you in your situations. I’m 52 and have been married to my wife who is 42 for going on 24 years now. My frustration has been from the very beginning… looking back I realize that the lack of intimacy has been directly at our honeymoon up until this current moment. Bear with me on this, I’m not trying to sound like Wilt Chamberlin but I’m pretty sure that over the course of our married life, we haven’t engaged in sex more than 50-75 times. I’m not even sure when the last time we did, it’s been years and no, I’m not physically unattractive nor am I disabled.
I have asked her more times than I can remember over the course of this marriage, “whats wrong”? She mostly just looks at me and says, “I don’t know”, or “I’m just tired”, or refuses to address the situation thinking that if she ignores the question it’ll just go away, which it has due to my thinking that maybe I’m making more out of it than was necessary only to become frustarted as time went by. I wanted to talk to somebody about it but again thought that perhaps it’s just me or that the subject matter was embarrassing to discuss.
When we did have intimacy, if you want to call it that, it was ONLY because I always had to initiate it and “if” I was successful, she would “allow” it but it was so mechanical and without any feeling from her. With that type of activity, it wasn’t long for me to become defeated in my emotions thinking that maybe it is me. I tried everything I could think of, different times of the day, dates, romance, etc… nothing seemed to get through and as I made my “advances” only to be stopped in my tracks, I decided to stop doing any trying since my “manhood” was being destroyed during each advance.
We have 2 kids (daughter 21 & son 19) but they were purely concieved from her scheduling a particular time(s) of the month when she decided that we should have kids, which I also wanted, but her sexual physical-ness was so robotic and unfeeling that it made me so mad and I voiced that to her only to watch her act like “what do you want from me” attitude.
As the years went by after the kids came along, she would tell me that raising the kids caused her to be tired at the end of the day and she started to stay up later at night, watching TV and coming to bed around 12:00pm or later since she would tape shows on varipous channels and chose to watch them. I on the other hand was an early riser since I had to be at work around 6:00am. I love the mornings and truthfully can’t stand to watch much TV. Some nights I would plan to stay awake until she came to bed to try to initiate any sexual advances, again only to be shot down.
This story is coming to an end, I have recently voice my displeasure repeatedly concerning our sexless marriage, but I wanted to wait until my son went back to college from the past Christmas holidays… when I found the date to “drop the bomb”, so to speak, my wife’s mother was diagnoised with cancer so I chose to hold off. After things kind’a “normalized” I cornered her and laid out my frustrations and said that either with her or without her I planned to moved down a different road and wasn’t staying in the current course of sexless marriage stuff that has been going on over the past 23+ years.
I just want to point out that I didn’t plan on this but in the course of being frustarted about no sex in my marriage, I met somebody who was going through some of the same issues and as I said, nobody planned this but we both have found each other attracted to one another very much. I didn’t tell my wife about this.
We (my wife &I) are seeing a pastor at our church concerning our issues but she has mostly been reluctant to discuss “why” she has been withholding intimacy from me all these years. She just blurted out that she “failed me in our marriage” and didn’t define that with any other words. This has been her MO for almost all our marriage… non-communicative and very passive. She hates confrontation. I hate confrontation but when it comes to something like this, I will attempt to grab the bull by the horns and find out what is the problem.
We are still in counseling and I haven’t shown her any affection except by kissing her goodnight (my pastor wanted me to do this because he thinks this will “jump start” a renewed level of love), I love aspects of her within our marriage but I am NOT attracted to her what so ever and have no real desire to attempt to initiate sex. Everybody that we have talked to is telling me that divorce is not an option.
When I think about my happiness and how it could involve divorce, the thought of hurting my kids just kills me and that’s the thing that stops me in my tracks. I hate the thought that I may never feel real love either emoptionally or physically in this relationship and I do have strong feelings for the other person that I met by accident. I want happiness but am being torn by the possibility of hurting “somebody”. Do I follow my head or follow my heart and if I leave, will my kids understand what happened as they don’t know anything of this as of yet?
I’m just looking for feedback but not necessarily anybody to give me concrete answers. I’m praying for strength from God but I don’t want to have Him upset with my actions either. What am I to do?
(USA) Follow your heart brother. Your kids will understand. You want and need to live a happy and productive life. Don’t let anyone else hold you down. Be a man.
(CANADA) Your situation is very hard, I’m in a simular situation with our youngest child almost 3, yet I know if our son was older we would not still be together. The rejection and temptation is suffocating. I’m 31 and in great shape with a very high sex drive and he’s 33 with no sex drive. I’m depressed, lonely and starting to look at myself in a way I can’t stand. I feel like were roomates raising a baby together.
To stay on your issue though, I strongly believe it’s your time to be happy. Live life to the fullest while you have, your kids are not kids anymore and though it will hurt at first they will forgive you and understand. Everyone needs to feel love and you have found it again, it’s a gift you should hold on to not be scared of. You gave the best years of your life to your wife and in return got emptiness. It’s time to move on.
(CANADA) Your story resonates with me. My wife and I have been married for 11 years and we have sex maybe five or six times a year (honestly I can’t tell you because it’s so infrequent that I can’t even remember the last time we were intimate). She has admitted that she uses sex as a form of control, and for me it is an important measure of love.
I see your situation as the eventual outcome of our marriage. However, I will likely stay because we have a seven year old son and to be honest, I do love her. But my self esteem suffers more and more as years go by. I masterbate often for sexual gratification, which satisfies the urge, but it isn’t a replacement for a partner that actually desires me. I’m confused, but I know that I don’t want to be in your situation in ten years, even though I probably will.
(CANADA) I can relate so much. I have been with my wife 8 years and we have young 2 children. We are both 38 years old. I don’t have a particularly high sex drive, I would be content to have sex once or twice a month. My wife however, doesnt desire it at all. Every time I initiate sex I get rejected. If I am lucky we can have sex once every 3 or 4 months. She will never initiate it. I am so tired of rejection, I wait and wait for her to come around until I cannot wait any longer. We have a huge fight and she sees how hurt I am by her neglect and we have sex. The process then repeats.
I work very hard. I am highly educated but due to the current economy I am working 3 jobs to make ends meet. I work 7 days a week up to 17 hours a day and I just want a little affection from my wife every now and then. My wife is a stay at home mom which adds a little to the resentment. She won’t work; she refuses. I rarely see my kids but I have no choice but to continue working long minimum wage hours.
She is depressed as a stay at home mom but feels taking a minimum wage job is beneath her. I feel that maybe she is punishing me for not having a good job and not giving her the life she feels she deserves. She says sex hurts too much, even when I simply touch her breasts she says it hurts too much.
We are very close to divorce. I don’t know how much more I can take. I am currently up for a very well paying job, it will keep me away from home for weeks at a time but it will satisfy her desire for money. I do wonder if my new job will increase the frequency we have sex or will I be just working myself to an early death in a sexless marriage. I cannot continue in a relationship without affection, I just want to kiss my wife, but she doesn’t want to kiss me. We are an attractive couple, both in good shape. I take care of myself, why doesnt she want me?
(USA) My friend, I know the reason you no longer feel like working on the marriage is you are frustrated and tired and fed up and your new “friend” seems like the answer to your problems. Having been down your road, I will tell you that I did divorce and did remarry only to find that my Mr. Wonderful has NO sex drive. It is hard to work on a marriage when you long for someone else.
My heartfelt advice to you is to pray hard, give your marriage a good college try while in counseling, about six months, and see if it doesn’t improve. Then if it doesn’t and she shows no sign of wanting to change, then you will know you did your best to work on the marriage and whatever you do, you won’t be feeling guilty.
I was so unhappy I fled my marriage, but I flew from the frying pan into the fire, sexually speaking. My ex husband had lots of problems, and our sex life took a hit from residual anger, but being married to a person who let you think they were hot for your body but wanted to wait until you were married and then you get married and guess what, they’re ice cold is like a Twilight Zone nightmare.
(USA) That’s not a marriage, it’s a roomate. You think I want sex at 5 am, no. But my husband does so I give it to him. It’s what holds people together. I give it up all the time… why? Because it makes him less stressed and guess what? I am one spoiled lady and when I meet women complaining about their husband and how he won’t do anything for him, I say be aggressive, be in charge and tell him what you want and how you want it. My marriage is over flowing with sex because I can’t keep my hands to myself.
Lift your skirts lady it feels great once you get started and stop making excuses before you lose your man, it’s not about a clean house, believe me.
(US) I have been married for 5 years now. My man seems to be affectionate; he hugs, but when it comes to real sex he tells me the reason he isn’t in the mood is he has financial problems, settling in life, too tired, not well. But he’d like to have children. Whenever I ask for sex he says something or the other. I tried so many things like dressing good, cooking good, keeping the house very clean. But so far this has not helped. Now, he does not have any affairs going on or any other bad habits. I am 30 now. How long should I wait or what should I do to make me attractive to him? I feel very much neglected.
(USA) I’ve read some of these replies and wished I knew what to say to most of you in your situations. I’m 52 and have been married to my wife who is 42 for going on 24 years now. My frustration has been from the very beginning. Looking back I realize that the lack of intimacy has been directly at our honeymoon up until this current moment. Bear with me on this, I’m not trying to sound like Wilt Chamberlin but I’m pretty sure that over the course of our married life, we haven’t engaged in sex more than 50-75 times. I’m not even sure when the last time we did, it’s been years and no, I’m not physically unattractive nor am I disabled.
I have asked her more times than I can remember over the course of this marriage, “whats wrong”? She mostly just looks at me and says, “I don’t know”, or “I’m just tired”, or refuses to address the situation thinking that if she ignores the question it’ll just go away, which it has due to my thinking that maybe I’m making more out of it than was necessary only to become frustarted as time went by. I wanted to talk to somebody about it but again thought that perhaps it’s just me or that the subject matter was embarrassing to discuss.
When we did have intimacy, if you want to call it that, it was ONLY because I always had to initiate it and “if” I was successful, she would “allow” it but it was so mechanical and without any feeling from her. With that type of activity, it wasn’t long for me to become defeated in my emotions thinking that maybe it is me. I tried everything I could think of, different times of the day, dates, romance, etc… nothing seemed to get through and as I made my “advances” only to be stopped in my tracks, I decided to stop doing any trying since my “manhood” was being destroyed during each advance.
We have 2 kids (daughter 21 & son 19) but they were purely concieved from her scheduling a particular time(s) of the month when she decided that we should have kids, which I also wanted, but her sexual physical-ness was so robotic and unfeeling that it made me so mad and I voiced that to her only to watch her act like “what do you want from me” attitude.
As the years went by after the kids came along, she would tell me that raising the kids caused her to be tired at the end of the day and she started to stay up later at night, watching TV and coming to bed around 12:00 pm or later since she would tape shows on varipous channels and chose to watch them. I on the other hand was an early riser since I had to be at work around 6:00am. I love the mornings and truthfully can’t stand to watch much TV. Some nights I would plan to stay awake until she came to bed to try to initiate any sexual advances, again only to be shot down.
This story is coming to an end, I have recently voice my displeasure repeatedly concerning our sexless marriage, but I wanted to wait until my son went back to college from the past Christmas holidays… when I found the date to “drop the bomb”, so to speak, my wife’s mother was diagnoised with cancer so I chose to hold off. After things kind’a “normalized” I cornered her and laid out my frustrations and said that either with her or without her I planned to moved down a different road and wasn’t staying in the current course of sexless marriage stuff that has been going on over the past 23+ years.
I just want to point out that I didn’t plan on this but in the course of being frustarted about no sex in my marriage, I met somebody who was going through some of the same issues and as I said, nobody planned this but we both have found each other attracted to one another very much. I didn’t tell my wife about this.
We (my wife &I) are seeing a pastor at our church concerning our issues but she has mostly been reluctant to discuss “why” she has been withholding intimacy from me all these years. She just blurted out that she “failed me in our marriage” and didn’t define that with any other words. This has been her MO for almost all our marriage… non-communicative and very passive. She hates confrontation. I hate confrontation but when it comes to something like this, I will attempt to grab the bull by the horns and find out what is the problem.
We are still in counseling and I haven’t shown her any affection except by kissing her goodnight (my pastor wanted me to do this because he thinks this will “jump start” a renewed level of love), I love aspects of her within our marriage but I am NOT attracted to her what so ever and have no real desire to attempt to initiate sex. Everybody that we have talked to is telling me that divorce is not an option.
When I think about my happiness and how it could involve divorce, the thought of hurting my kids just kills me and that’s the thing that stops me in my tracks. I hate the thought that I may never feel real love either emoptionally or physically in this relationship and I do have strong feelings for the other person that I met by accident. I want happiness but am being torn by the possibility of hurting “somebody”. Do I follow my head or follow my heart and if I leave, will my kids understand what happened as they don’t know anything of this as of yet?
I’m just looking for feedback but not necessarily anybody to give me concrete answers. I’m praying for strength from God but I don’t want to have Him upset with my actions either. What am I to do?
(UK) You spent all your life thinking about others, but not yourself. I think it’s time for you to be happy with someone you find. We all leaving ourself behind all the time putting other peoples first. Your children are big enough to understand that you want to be happy. Someone who’s telling you that divorce is not an option, maybe they don’t know what are you going through. This life is too short to waste with someone who doesn’t love, and doesn’t respect you.
(UK) While I wouldn’t presume to counsel someone whether to divorce or not – isn’t this a Christian website? “This life is too short too waste with someone who doesn’t love, and doesn’t respect you” seems to be missing the point. “This life” is a journey in seeking to develop the mind of Christ. Our choices should be motivated by that thought – whatever the conclusion drawn. There is an eternity to consider.
(USA) My husband and I have been married for a year and a half. He complains that we do not have enough sex. We have it one to two times a week. He tells me that he feels like we are roommates and four to five time a week is normal. Every once and a while there will be a week to 10 days where we don’t have sex because it’s my time of the month and our schedules may not work out (we both travel for work) and he’ll freak out. He’ll be bring up the roommate thing again.
Because he wants sex so often, I do turn him down, as it feels like a chore when I’m not in the mood. It always creates a distance between us and little arguments during the day end with an argument about sex. I’m at my wits end with it. Every time he brings it up it feels like a slap in the face. I’ve tried giving in every time, letting him have my body when I’m not in the mood and he complains about me “not being into it.”
I had two abortions with him, before and shortly after we were married, and sometimes I feel like he puts his pleasure before my well being. One time the sex hurt and when I asked him to stop, he said just a little longer and I cried until he was finished. A few weeks after the second abortion we had been drinking and went to bed. He wanted sex and I didn’t. He continued to rub on me and fidget until I couldn’t take it anymore. I felt desperate, disrespected and angry. And then I snapped and punched him in the face leaving a black eye.
After that, I stopped drinking because of how I lost control. I was afraid of doing it again. Now, a year later, we argued about sex and he said he thought I should start drinking again because it would loosen me up. I was so upset. Here I’m scared to death about how I lose control when I drink (there have been other times too) and he wants me to drink so I’ll put out. I hate this and sex is the root of most of our problems. I’m trying to get an appointment with a counsellor about it.
(USA) Maybe your partner not wanting to have sex, isn’t really because they don’t want to. My husband is 23 and I am 20 he has problems with his thyroid which makes his sex drive go way down but when he is on the medication his doctor has prescribed, his testosterone levels go up with a normal thyroid, thus it makes him want to be at least 10 times more sexually active than with a bad thyroid.
Maybe you should just take your spouse to a family doctor and see what they say. You could even bring up his thyroid. It is very easy to get this tested and to correct it. This could be a very simple solution to your problem. I hope it helps people.
Another thing I try when he is not very active is giving him pleasure through oral. It is a fact that many men find this to be more of a way for a women to show they are interested and love them by just simply pleasing them and it doesn’t even matter if you like the semen cause I personally do not and he doesn’t mind that. He just likes to know that I care and I always make sure to ask what he likes the best and what makes him more in the mood.
It helps a lot just to communicate with him and understand that he has needs too, thus, he is more willing when I want something. Always make sure you tell them you love them as much as possible. A lot of men and women are insucure when it comes to the love making department. I hope this helps many of you. Good luck in your marriages. :)
(CANADA) My wife and I have been married for 15 years. Sex was never great, like every other night but it was only fun a couple of times a week.
I quit drinking 15 months ago, as it was a problem in my life. I don’t expect any special treatmaent because I have quit. But it seems we had better, and more sex when I was drinking, though I’m not going to retake up drinking.
Howiey…First congratulations for your great success in being “dry” for 15 months. That is no small task. I hope your wife has expressed how proud she is of you for this accomplishment?
I’m no expert in these matters, but I want to encourage you to be patient. As you’ve probably already found out, things are a lot different in many areas of your life because of no longer having alcohol in your system. You may find help and understanding from people who have been through this same process. One of the best programs I’m aware of is one called “Celebrate Recovery.” Many churches have this program here in the US so it would stand to reason that it would also be available in many parts of Canada. You can Google it to see if there’s a church near you who has it.
The other thing you have to be aware of is that you need to really guard your heart as there will be temptations to find satisfaction in other areas. If you haven’t done so already, you need to talk with your wife and be honest and let her know what you’re feeling. It may be worth a shot.
Again, Congratulations…and…Press on!
(UNITED STATES) I truly feel for every person on here. My husband and I have been married not even 4 months, and this is already starting. He is 25 and in the army, although all he does is volunteer at the high school coaching pole vault. I am 19 and in my last 3 months of school; I do work a part-time job during the evening.
Before we got married sex was great, there were no complaints. We had sex more in one day than we do now in one month. Our average is about 2 times a month. I have been more than open about the problem, and he says that he will try harder to fix it, but that never happens. My husband is very good about working me up during the day, and telling me that he’s getting laid tonight and all sorts of stuff like that, but then when it comes down to it, he just passes out leaving me angry at him and frustrated.
We have even had conversations were we both agreed that sex twice a week would be efficient. However, he never sticks to what he said. I guess if he did I wouldn’t be posting this. I just feel like he has so much time for coaching track, and pole vaulting at the local college, I would assume he would have time for me, his wife, as well. I guess once again I thought wrong.
It’s funny though, whenever I want to have sex, he gets his shower and then I get mine and when I come out he is fast asleep. But then there are nights that after I am asleep he tries waking me up at mid-night to have sex, which I shut him down, because that is what he does to me. The longest we went without sex, which was recently, was 23 days –almost a month, and then when we did have sex it wasn’t even good sex. It lasted all of 5 minutes. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I’m in a marriage that is already set up for failure.
(USA) Easy, why not the morning after you are both rested? And stop playing the childish game of telling him no, because he told you no. If you want it, take advantage of the times when he wants it. But if you want fights and power struggles, keep turning him down when he wants it.
Shower together. Why wait for him AND you to finish your showers, why not shower together and see what happens? You have two choices, concentrate on how hurt and disappointed you feel, or tap into some creative thinking and work to solve the problems together.
(INDIA) I am a woman of 35 years, muslim housewife, two kids (5 yrs & 1 yrs). My urge is moderate but my husband’s is a little bit more, i.e. frequency. I want it once in a week but he wants 3, even 4 times each week. Sometime I feel angry, sometimes bored, even tell him that he is perverted, or all what he wants is only that. Sometimes I think this may cause negativity to our relationship. So how can we balance?
(U.S.A) R.quin, Do you believe your husband would be open to “balance?” If so, then you need to find a time to talk to him when he would be most open to this type of dialogue, and talk to him, hoping he will truly listen to your plea and work this out with you. I don’t know your husband. I can guess what his response would be, but that may or may not be what will happen.
The truth is that we can banter back and forth about how things SHOULD be and all, and we come to the “right” conclusions. But the reality is, that if your husband isn’t willing to balance things in a way that truly works for BOTH of you, your next step (which I hope there won’t be a next step) would be to consider what can do about this, given the reality of this impasse? If this happens, I ask you, what do you believe God would have you do?
Will telling your husband for the rest of your lives together that he is “perverted” be most helpful to your relationship and is this the way that God would lead? Or is there a different approach that God would have you do? Ask Him. I know He cares. I know He cares for you and I know He cares for your children as well. They are living in a home where the unhappiness that you and your husband will eventually (if not already) experience in your relationship, affects and infects their growing up years. I pray God will show you for all of your sakes. My heart goes out to you. This is a difficult situation. I wish things could be more balanced and I hope they will be –truly!
(UK) i read lots of coments and just thought to write my self. im just turn 30 and my partner is the same age. we been together just for nearly 4 years and our sex life (if i can say that) is 1 time in 2 or 3 monthes. he is all the time tired and dont have energy :(( im not a high sex drive but this is not enough even with very low one. i all the time thinking about my weight and how i look thinking that becouse of that he dont want me, feel ugly and unsexy. my waite is 85 kilos and 176 high, i know i shouldnt think that im fat. dont know what to think and what to do….
(US) I am 24, my husband is almost 31. We have only been together 2 years and married for 10 months. We have gone 6 weeks without having sex, and currently it has been 2 weeks. I know he looks at porn every chance he gets and we have had several problems with him having inappropriate conversations with girls online.
Last month we had sex 8 times which was a record for us, excluding the month we got married. He had many partners before we met and I only had one. We have had many discussion/arguments about sex and his lack of drive. We BOTH want to have children but it is hard to do that when you’re not having sex. He spent many years overseas and I’m afraid that has something to do with it. He didn’t have “in-person” relationships so he was used to taking care of it himself. I am left feeling like absolute crap with no confidence, and extremely low self-esteem. I am afraid I will eventually lose my drive or it will continue this way. I don’t know what to do anymore.
(CANADA.) I have a problem with my husband. His sex drive is causing huge problems in our marriage. We have sex two, maybe three times a week but that is not enough. Since I had weight loss surgery he is over possessive. He gets mad at me going to work, talking to other “men” and he says that I am not caring or loving enough because I won’t have sex with him every day. Whenever I think I am by myself I can feel him breathing behind me. He checks my computer to see if I am emailing any one or I am saying something he doesn’t like. He won’t leave me alone. a small kiss angers him and he expects me to give him a passionate kiss. If I do he thinks it means I should have sex with him.
He has problems sleeping and most of the time he cries himself to sleep because he thinks I should be having sex with him. I don’t care about him and I am going to leave him the first chance I get. (I have been with my husband 20 years.) With every pound I lose it drives him closer to over possessiveness. I do not give him any any reason to even question how I feel about him but I just can’t stand this. Before I lost weight he pretty much ignored me. I am smaller now than I was when he first met me. He makes me feel like I should put a bag over my head and not talk to anyone. He even said “you are mine and I don’t want anyone to take you away from me” as if that could ever happen. I have tried to talk to him but it’s no use. He just cries and says I will never do it again, I know you don’t like me anymore, and cries again. It’s so frusterating.
(IRELAND) Hello, I just came across this website. My husband and I are married almost 8 years. We have a 6 year old and a 2 year old. When I was pregnant with both babies I put up a lot of weight. I had diabetes and went from 9 stone to 17 stone. I lost the weight pretty quickly after each baby.
When I was pregnant, I was feeling amorous a lot and one night when I went to my husband he told me to get the xxxx out of his sight. When i just stood there (in shock) he asked me what part did I not understand. I told him I would never initiate again.
Then, we both wanted to try again and he rose to the occassion (sorry for the pun!) until I conceived. We have not been intimate since then – almost 3 years now. I have asked him if he is gay -he says no. I know he looks up porn on the internet as I caught him before he bought his own laptop which is password protected.
When he is home at the weekends, he is very good with the children and gives me a lie on. The only thing is he sits in the room I am not in and watches TV. New Years Eve, he sat on the sofa with me, gave me a kiss at midnight, and then went back into the kitchen to watch his own TV. When I asked him, he said it was New Years Eve.
I used to be a model and was/still am told that I am attractive even though I know I have some weight to lose. The thing is, I have no motivation to lose the weight, as I feel so lonely, and sad. Normally I don’t allow myself to dwell on it, but today I really feel saddened. He never brings me out for a meal, or to the cinema or anywhere. I don’t know what to do, we have two children. Thank God. I made a vow, but didn’t plan to sign up for a life of celibacy either. God forgive me.
Please can anyone help? I believe that we only get one shot at life, and that we have to make the most of it but it’s hard when you have children and the decisions we make don’t just affect us but could leave lasting damage on them.
It almost feels theraputic just typing the out. Thanks
(USA) Hello. I would like some feedback pertaining to my “situation” if you will please. I have been married for approximately 4 years now, and I am concerned with our sex life. It seems as though we do not have one anymore. When we attempt to have sex, my wife always has the same bad attitude of “not going to get anything out of it”, and that drives me crazy. We have restrictions on touching, kissing, and a couple of other things which I won’t list, but it just seems unhealthy that I have to feel like I’m not wanted.
There’s not much affection in our marriage. This has been an ongoing argument for the past year or so and I just don’t know what to think. I’m extremely angered and sometimes I feel like I resent her because of this. I also feel like I’m starting to lose the attraction for her. What should I do? When I bring this up to her then we fight. Like Now! I’m just so confused. I just want to get other opinions from people whom I don’t know. Please give me some advice. Thank you in advance.
(SOUTH AFRICA) I don’t know if this is premature or not but I have been married for almost a year and have a baby of 7 months, my problem is that my husband is the one who is not in the mood. I don’t remember the last time that he touched me or made a suggestive move toward me. I’m even starting to feel like he doesn’t find me attractive at all. I always send him sexy messages or make suggestive gestures at him but do not get any response from him.
I am at my wits end on what I can do next… please help???
(USA) Miss G, Is your husband, by any chance, either caught up in pornography or cybersex in some way? And/or is he self-satisfying his sexual needs through masturbation, that you know of? Sometimes a man (sometime a woman) will substitute that which is real for that which is fake. Is there a possibility this is happening with your husband?