Marriage Missions International

How to Know if Your Spouse is Having an Affair

Are you starting to question in your mind if your spouse may be having an extramarital affair? Are you seeing and sensing certain things, that makes you suspicious of his or her faithfulness to you and your marriage?

Whether or not adultery is actually happening, your suspicions are telling you that something is wrong and you feel a need to probe a bit more, but how? What “evidence” do you look for or recognize as it’s all put together, that will help you to come to the wisest conclusion as to whether or not your spouse is committing adultery?

Maybe you’ve even asked him or her a few probing questions and you have received a complete denial, and yet something still doesn’t seem quite right. You don’t want to come out and blatantly and more forcefully accuse your spouse of being unfaithful if it’s not true (because you know that can cause even more problems), but on the other hand, there is still this nagging feeling inside of you that your spouse isn’t being honest.

“Is he or isn’t he cheating on me?” “Is she or isn’t she cheating on me?” Those are VERY important questions for you to have answered, and have them answered honestly. No one wants to be played the fool, and no one wants their spouse to deceive them, and yet how do you know what to look for and how do you know if your spouse will answer your questions honestly?

Let’s face it, if a spouse has lowered himself or herself to such a low level as to commit adultery, what makes you think that they will suddenly stop the deception, and become honest with you all of a sudden, when you first suspect something is wrong? It is possible it could happen, but not likely.

So for this reason (and many more), you need to approach this matter wisely, with your eyes as open and your perceptions as keenly alert, as it is possible.

“Hindsight is 20/20, and so it goes with affairs from the spouse’s point of view. Just prior to actual disclosure, the spouse will often come upon subtle or even obvious clues with increasing frequency, bits and pieces of information that spell out ‘a-f-f-a-i-r,’ but only when the spouse looks back.

“Those pieces of information contribute to the spouse’s feeling foolish in the wake of the discovery: ‘Why didn’t I see it coming? How could I have been so stupid?’ The self-incrimination goes on endlessly as the spouse berates herself (or himself) for not picking up on the signals that now seem clear.” (Dave Carder, Torn Asunder: Recovering From an Extramarital Affair)

Facing the fact that a spouse may be cheating on you is difficult enough! But to have the pain multiplied by going through a prolonged period of doubting and questioning, makes it all the worse.

So, to help you to recognize the important “signals” your spouse may or may not be leaving around, we have provided links to several web sites that address this issue. As you read them, keep in mind that the author may be addressing a certain gender. It’s not within our power to change that. But PLEASE don’t get hung up on that issue. Read the information. It’s sound information. These articles apply to both genders. BOTH genders cheat, and this may help the betrayed spouse to better know whether it’s happening or not.

We hope they will help you to discover what you need to know, one way or the other.

Please click onto the web site links below to read:

Danger Signs of an Affair

Top 10 Signs of Infidelity

• ALL of the Signs Your Spouse May Be Cheating

• When You Suspect Your Spouse is Cheating and They Won’t Confess

This article was compiled by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International

If you have additional tips you can share to help others in this area of marriage, or you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.

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Comments

16 Responses to “How to Know if Your Spouse is Having an Affair”
  1. Lillian says:

    (CANADA)  What is behind when your spouse is always lying to you?

  2. Marina says:

    (SA)  What is behind when your spouse is always lying to you?

  3. Tony says:

    (USA)  When your wife doesn’t go to your family events and not because your family is abusive or out of control.

    When she tells you she loves you and is not in love with you.

    When she starts looking for an apartment.

    When she gets a cell phone and hides it from you so you can’t check who she’s calling.

    When she gets a new e-mail account.

    When she suddenly takes an interested in the gym membership she begged you to sign up but hasn’t used it in the three years prior.

    When she stops having sex with you.

    When your wife’s co-workers call you and tell you she’s having an affair.

    When the other man’s wife calls you and says her husband is having an affair with your wife.

    All of those and more are some of the signs you might see when your wife is having an affair.

    I experienced every one of the above.

  4. Kelveno says:

    (UNITED STATES)  What do you do when your wife cheats on you by just saying some nice words to another man, like I wish you were here to hold me, and when she stays on facebook longer than she spends time with the husband and kids?

  5. NcarS1R83D says:

    (USA)  Well, I certainly sympathize with you about the Facebook thing. But unfortunately, that must have been brought on by the lack of your actions. I think Facebook should be called the TROUBLED DATE BOOK. You don’t have to go looking for trouble because on Facebook, TRUST me, it’ll find you.

    When I get on Facebook I stay off line to avoid problems with my spouce and seldom get on facebook for that matter. I can say it sounds like your communication is a problem. I’m very much in love with my wife and had a similar encounter because I failed to listen to her and see the signs of an unhappy spouse. I took it as a rude awakening that truly opened my EYES and EARS and realized that if I was going to continue to be selfish then I couldn’t honestly blame anyone but myself. COMUNICATION AND CHANGE IS THE KEY TO A HAPPY MARRIAGE.

  6. San says:

    (USA)  My husband who is a pastor is cheating on me. He hides his phone from me and he is out all the time. But when I asked him, he said no. I need prayers for him because I cannot tell anyone because he is a pastor and people look up to him. He treats me terrible when were are alone.

    • Cindy Wright says:

      San, I’m so sorry for all the pain you are experiencing because of your husbands cheating on you. How tremendously sad and what a confusing and uncertain time for you. I pray the Lord ministers to your heart as you lean upon Him.

      Please contact Parsonage.org to see if they can lead you to someone you can talk to and help you process through this in safety. You need wise guidance in how you can approach this matter. Please know that just because someone is in ministry, it doesn’t give them a license to sin. God holds them to an even higher standard BECAUSE they represent Him in leadership. You can see that Jesus called down the Pharisees on their sinful ways. He didn’t tiptoe around their sin. And you can find many additional examples throughout the Bible of God NOT excusing bad behavior by those who claimed to be His servants.

      Yes, it will hurt work going forth in the Kingdom of God when this comes to light, but you do not do anyone any favors (especially God) when you allow sin to continue when it should be stopped by exposing it to the Light. Please contact Parsonage.org to talk through this situation with someone there. I pray the Lord will guide you, comfort you, give you wisdom, help and hope for a better future.

  7. Lorato says:

    (BOTSWANA)  It’s a pity that this issue is happening around the world and the worst part being that it happens in the church. The question is, where should we run to? GOD is our refuge and strength. Let us all confide in him. This issue, just like many others in marriage, is so disturbing.

    The problem that is there is that it causes emotional separation. Another thing is that some men would pretend they don’t it, though it is easy to read them. Here are some of the signs:

    – Hiding or switching off the cellphone
    – Telling the partner wrong information from an sms
    – using email address to communicate with girls instead of cellphones
    – giving wrong excuses when confronted about a picture or message
    – using other people’s names to cover for the girlfriends in case there is a call or message
    – pretending to be good or innocent while one is not.

    These things honestly suck. But people should know that as much as you think you are clever, watch out! The other party could be cleverer.

    • Mac says:

      (US)  It’s a pity that this issue is happening around the world and the worst part being that it happens in the church. The question is, where should we run to? GOD is our refuge and strength. Let us all confide in him. This issue, just like many others in marriage, is so disturbing.

      It is a pity, and shame that many people not only allow ourselves to be conformed to the world, but most of all support others who engaged themselves to such things. Consider these few facts:

      -Lets say your married, in a reltionship, or engaged. You have come to either accepting that person in your life, and may possibly be serious with that individual. So you have an understanding of commented responsibility. You ve both done the conversation of staying faithful and keeping your health important (STDs) etc… So now you living the life it seems until on day something may change that. Hadn’t you considered that you other half has the character and self disipline to push off temptation… has anything changed just that? Is there justification on their part for every little given situation? God is supose to be first in any relationship, and for every situation, he wants to be consulted with in prayer for answers. When you can see that God is always working in the both of your lives, then trust God is working there, ease yourself. If you feel otherwise, seek marriage consulting.

      -Making happy moments! I cannot tell you how you can’t sit before God each day and be thankful everyday for the health of your family and be amazed of the things happening in your life. The hug this morning in kitchen, the kiss on cheek, and I Love You. Seriously, who doesn’t ever weigh out the good from the bad? It’s typical, but with God first in your reltationship you not only create a foundation, but a friend who will carry you through everything ahead. It’s like paving a road, it allows you a smoother ride ahead in time. With this said, happy moments, the smiles you bring eachday will bring peace to both of you, and lots of reflection there in the hardest times when you need it.

      -Making decisions together… allow no one to tell you otherwise. If you’ve prayed, and put God in front of everything you do, and you both feel confident in what you decided, its a wrap! Unless its something you both had not considered of course.

      I say this for the reason that there is a lot of temptation in todays society, our children are brought up in different times. (Internet) …a lot more going on in the world, and it seems to draw alot of curiosity to a weak and unhappy person.

  8. Adefunke says:

    (NIGERIA) My husband is having an affair, it’s going on two hrs now. I found SMS and several evidences, I have prayed and stopped praying, cos I am getting so discouraged by the day. Your weekly messages have been a source of strength. He has continued to deny and is aggressive about it from day one. Gradually bitterness is welling up in me. I have thought about separation time after time. He has stopped having sex with me for months on end. He has even moved to the spare room. What do I do? I need God’s direction now!

  9. Inni says:

    (NIGERIA) What happens when your spouse suddenly wouldn’t understand your sexual feelings, possibly could stay off sex for weeks? Always on the run in the name of business that really do not have any face? Returns home late night (9:00 pm) or even later with no apology. Does not care whether the husband has eaten or not? Lacks respect and regards: she takes delight in saying anything she believes will leave a scar in you. Does this presuppose the fact that she is having an affair?

  10. Laura says:

    (CANADA) Where is the support from the church for spouses that have been betrayed by marital affairs that happened in the church and with it’s church leadership? What is the role of the church? I find that the ones who are the betrayed are victimized over and over again because the church DOES NOT take a stand to support the ones who have been hurt by this betrayal. It is disgraceful. The betrayed spouse and children are left out in the cold. Where is the moral compass of the church these days?

  11. Asia says:

    (USA) Since day one that my husband and I have been together he has always called and text me every chance he got. With me not knowing when his breaks were going to be, he always surprised me by how much he thought of me by that phone call or text, just to see what I was up to.

    Then five years ago these girls started to work on the tree crew. Now mind you I been with him since 6-16-97. And there has never been females on the tree crew. Anyways during this time, my husband stopped calling so much as well as stopped texting me. Now this has never happened before, not until these females began working on his tree crew.

    During this time I found out I was pregnant. When I told my husband about the pregnancy his words were “No f___ing way. Your lying. Are you being serious?” And his tone sounded as if he was faced with staying with me. From then, that was the first time he went out to diner with the tree crew. He stared acting different, just his demeanor changed. And the things he has always done for me has stopped.

    Now five years later we still have not resolved the situation. He’s still lying to me almost as if he would rather lie and not work it out or not lie and just deal with the consequences. I would rather work on building and keeping our relationship, then to move on. Do you think my husband is cheating?

  12. Dorothy says:

    (NIGERIA) When love dies in a relationship, both spouse begin to think of the next thing to do. They are forgetting that God can restore bad situations. Instead of getting involved in an extra marital affair, go to God, the great potter, to remould your home in prayer. It might take a little time but God will surely do it for you. Don’t give up.

  13. Crystal from Anonymous Proxy says:

    I’ve been fighting with my husband for 2 yrs because I’ve had a gut feeling and I feel it in my heart that he has been cheating. Every time I mention him having an affair he’ll gets defensive and hits me. What should I do?

    • Cindy Wright from United States says:

      Crystal, You have more than a cheating problem going on in your marriage, you have a husband who has given himself permission to treat you in disrespectful ways on so many levels. Please read through the “Abuse in Marriage” topic to see how you can better protect yourself. You need to respect yourself enough to NOT allow yourself to be in a place where you can be “hit.” I pray you gain the wisdom to know what best to do and then apply it. First comes prayer and then seeking God’s wisdom and insights He has given others on how to stop the brutality directed at you and your marital relationship.

Marriage Missions International