Marriage Missions International

How to Save Your Marriage Alone

Christian psychiatrist Paul D. Meier says that there are “only 3 choices for any person involved in an unhappy marriage: (1) get a divorce —the greatest cop-out and by far the most immature choice; (2) tough out the marriage without working to improve it —another immature decision but not quite as irresponsible as divorce; and (3) maturely face up to personal hang-ups and choose to build an intimate marriage out of the existing one —the only really mature choice to make.”

In your case, the moment of truth has come, for your partner probably has already ruled out the second option and chosen the first without even considering the third. The question is, “What will you do?” Surrender to the pressures of the world’s way of thinking and the emotions of the moment? Or make a choice based on confidence in the eternal truths of Scripture?

The stakes are higher than one may realize at the time. One choice clearly leads to the bitterness and defeat of divorce as well as lost opportunities for blessing. “Divorce is more painful than death,” a woman told me, “because it’s never really over.”

Dr Meier says that when couples run away from their problems by divorcing and remarrying, “then there are four miserable people instead of just two…. Why spread misery?” he asks. “Bad marriages are contagious! Numerous psychiatric marriage relationships get divorced —no matter how good their intentions may be —they nearly always remarry into the very same type of neurotic relationship they had before.”

When you choose the pathway of irrevocable commitment to your mate and your marriage —regardless of how troubled your relationship may seem —you will find that choice leading you into a place of agape love and peace and personal growth. These are just some of the rewards, for the chances are very good that you will also be able to enjoy the blessings that God has wanted to bestow on your marriage from the beginning.

I am not suggesting that the healing of a marriage is an easy process when one partner resists it. But are any easy choices open to you, after all? Torn relationships involve pain, whatever you do about them. As Peter points out in his first letter, it is far better to suffer (if suffer you must) for doing right, than for doing wrong. He makes it clear that God’s favor and blessing shine on the one who patiently suffers, if necessary, in order to do His will. Meeting your marriage problems in a biblical manner is productive rather than pointless, and whatever hurts your encounter will be less damaging than the long-term effects of divorce would be.

“The very word divorce should be cut out of the vocabulary of a couple when they marry,” a woman with a restored marriage said, “because God’s way is so much better for anyone who is willing to give it a try.”

Another woman, considering the turbulent events of the past year that had driven her to grow emotionally and spiritually while she “loved her husband back” to their marriage, said, “It’s been all gain for me. I’m a different person now. The process was humbling, but it was worth it!”

A man said, “During the time when I was trying to win my wife’s love and hold our family together, sometimes I got so tired of rejection that I didn’t feel anything except a determination to do what the Bible said and leave the results with God. The only thing I was sure of was that somehow God would work it out for my good because He promised that in His Word. I never imagined the love affair He has actually given us. He really does do more than we can ask or think!”

While these comments from the far side of the problem are encouraging, I understand that the feelings you may be experiencing right now within the problem are less than pleasant. Many others have been where you are now and can empathize with what you are going through: shock, hurt, rejection, emotional confusion, temptation to bitterness, and of course, pressures from all sides that sometimes make you want to give up.

My heartfelt goal is to help you clarify your thoughts, stabilize your emotions, and learn to behave in a consistent, purposeful way that will save your marriage and bring a new dimension of love into your relationship.

So, if you are willing to make a commitment to your marriage based on the eternal principles and promises of the Word of God, you can take heart and let hope grow in promises of the Word of God, you can take heart and let hope grow in proportion to your commitment. Contrary to what the world believes, one person can save a marriage. In fact, most of the people I counsel belong in this category. Even when both come to see me, one is usually dragging the other along, in a manner of speaking, and only one really cares about the outcome in most cases.

Marriage counselor Anne Kristin Carroll says, “If you think there’s no hope because you are the only one in your relationship who wants or cares enough to try to save your marriage, you are wrong!” She adds, “In my experience most torn marriages are brought to new life, new vitality by the interest, basically, of only one party.” This has been my experience as well. I have seen numerous marriages saved when only one partner applied biblical principles in a whole hearted commitment to the mate and the marriage.

Some have not been saved. Usually this is because the individual is convinced that nothing will change the partner —that the longstanding problem of alcoholism or financial irresponsibility or whatever cannot be solved, and he or she simply gives up.

Occasionally, the partner desiring a divorce has developed such a strong emotional attachment to another person that it is not broken off in time to save the marriage. Often, however, this infatuation ends while the divorce is being delayed and the unfaithful partner thanks the committed mate for standing fast and preserving the marriage.

In a relatively few cases, one partner pressured by family and “loyal” friends, develops a deep bitterness toward the other and is actually encouraged in this hostility by parents and even, sometimes, church members so that efforts at reconciliation may be unavailing.

But in the great majority of cases, the outcome depends squarely on the committed partner’s ability to behave consistently in accord with biblical principles designed by the Author of marriage. So, in a very literal sense, it is all up to you. You need not expect your partner to do anything constructive about the marriage if he or she wants out.

Clarifying Your Thoughts

When the Bible says, Gird up the loins of your mind (1 Peter 1:13), it means to get your mental powers in a state of alertness for proper action. You must do this without delay. Often the Lord will provide the opportunity for some quiet, uninterrupted Bible study and prayerful consideration of God’s plan for your situation. You may also learn some important things about yourself during this time.

When one husband moved out, his parents lovingly helped the wife by keeping the children several weeks while she prepared mentally and spiritually for the challenges ahead.

One young wife was ready to dissolve her marriage until a friend in her garden club led her to the Lord. “I only knew two Scriptures at the beginning,” the wife said, “but they were exactly what I needed: ‘God is not a man, that he should lie’ (Numbers 23:19) and With God nothing shall be impossible (Luke 1:37).

“With those truths as a foundation I began to study the Bible, desperately trying to dig out God’s purpose for marriage and all that He had to say about it. I found out for myself that if I were to obey Him, then I would have to become committed to my marriage and my husband, even though he was involved with another woman and we were on the verge of divorce.

“Coming to this decision didn’t make things any easier emotionally at first, but it did show me a clear path of action, and the situation actually became less complicated because there was no more confusion about what to do! I refused to sign the divorce papers. I had gathered evidence identifying the other woman and proving my husband’s unfaithfulness. I destroyed it all. I didn’t need it anymore.”

A University of Chicago professor described this generation’s dilemma with the now familiar quotation: “We lack the language to teach what is right and wrong.” But the Bible-believing Christian caught in an emotionally fraught situation does not have that problem. The language of God concerning divorce is plain enough for any reader. For example:

For the Lord, the God of Israel says: I hate divorce and marital separation, and him who covers his garment [his wife] with violence. Therefore keep a watch upon your spirit [that it may be controlled by My Spirit], that you deal not treacherously and faithlessly [with your marriage mate] (Malachi 2:16 AMP).

He replied, ‘Have you never read that He Who made them from the beginning made them male and female’. And said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be united firmly (joined inseparably) to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man put asunder’ (separate) (Matthew 19:4-6 AMP).

As you try to gain clarity of thought concerning your marital situation viewed in light of the teaching of Scripture, I suggest that you read the first five chapters of the book, Love Life for Every Married Couple and search the Scriptures that have to do with marriage. Let me remind you once more of the eternal principle that undergirds the biblical counsel we offer: It is God’s will in every marriage for the couple to love each other with an absorbing spiritual, emotional, and physical attraction that continues to grow throughout their lifetime together.

It should be crystal clear that God intends for you and your mate to picture the love-bond of Christ and His church and that you must beware of substitutes who sometimes find their way into the vacuum of a troubled relationship. Obviously, infidelity and divorce are paths that move away from God’s plan and blessing. But when you pour yourself into restoring love to your marriage, you can be sure that the force of His will is at work with you in the process.

It is important to fill your mind with positive biblical input: biblical counseling, preaching, and teaching; good books and Bible-study tapes; and friends who will affirm you in your commitment to your marriage. You need to take in truth from those who are as committed to the permanence of marriage as the Bible is. And don’t listen to anyone else! Develop tunnel vision in this area as Proverbs 4:25-27 commands:

Let your eyes look directly ahead, and let your gaze be fixed straight in front of you. Watch the path of your feet, and all your ways will be established. Do not turn to the right nor to the left; turn your foot from evil (NASB).

You need to maintain this total mental commitment to the truth or you will be swamped by waves of human opinion and bad advice, sometimes from seemingly religious people.

One young man came to me, confused because he had been told to do nothing to win back his wife. He had been told to concentrate on his vertical relationship with God. I said to him, “This is true, but you can please God only when you are doing what the Bible says you are to do. You must be right in line with God’s Word. We have no other direction for this life. When we are in total accord with the Word, then we can relax and God has the freedom to work with us. He always works with us on the basis of the information that we have from His Word. So the more you know of the Word of God concerning marriage and love and His abhorrence of divorce, the more equipped you will be to let God do His full work and have His full way in your life.”

“I had to take a stand on this matter of outside influence,” a wife told me. “Everyone has been anxious to give me advice about my marriage. I refuse to discuss it with people who hold an unbiblical viewpoint, or people who try to turn me against my husband, or people who make me feel sorry for myself and encourage weakness in me. I can’t afford to be around worldly friends anymore. They tear me down; they tear my husband down. They may mean well, but they are so misguided. I want to be with people who will stand with me and support me when I might falter.”

When your mind is settled, your thoughts clarified, and your commitment made, you will find that you no longer lie at the mercy of outside events, reacting to every new circumstance with fresh pain and bewilderment. Instead, your viewpoint becomes, “This is what I am going to do, no matter what, because it is God’s way to do it. I can count on His wisdom, and I can trust Him with the results of a course of action based on His Word.”

“I’m not standing by my marriage anymore on the basis of what the outcome will be,” one woman told me. “People urge me to dump my husband, give up on him because he’s made my life miserable; they tell me I deserve someone better, that I wouldn’t have any trouble finding someone else to love me.

My answer is that marriage is sacred; marriage is permanent; I am committed by my marriage vows; I am one flesh with my husband; and then I really shock them! I tell them that even if there is no happy ending for our marriage, I will not regret the stand I have taken. I will know that I made the right decision and followed the only course possible for me. I will have done all that I could.

“But my trust is not in what I am dong,” she added. “It is in God and His Word. He has a perfect, loving plan for my life, and He’s wise enough and powerful enough to carry it out, if I cooperate by following His counsel. So I’m going to keep on obeying Him in my marriage and I’ll leave the results with Him. I am at peace with that.”

[Marriage Missions editors’ note: The authors, Dr Ed Wheat and Gloria Okes Perkins go on from this point to include a lot more valuable advice. For many different reasons, including honoring their copyright privileges, we need to shorten this article. Plus we think you need to obtain the book yourself because of the additional advice you’ll benefit from reading. But we do want to end this article with some practical advice that was given at the end of this chapter hoping it will spur you on to start this journey towards saving your marriage, even if you have to try to do it alone.]

A happy wife wrote me a note of thanks for my counsel which gave her the courage to stick with her marriage. She said, “One little thing you said to me meant so much. You said, ‘So what if your husband doesn’t tell you he loves you right now!” I knew you were right. I really wasn’t that important. This wife found that putting up with a little rejection was worth it in the long run in order to have a revitalized marriage.

I have talked with many women who tell me that when they do not feel their husband’s love, the Lord has a way of loving them that is almost tangible. “Like being in the sunshine, just feeling the warmth of His love,” several wives agreed.

A lovely young wife carried that a step further in her own trying situation. She said that it was often difficult dressing to go out for the evening with her husband because she knew in advance that he would not treat her the way she longed to be treated. So she developed the habit of thinking of the Lord Jesus as her friend and escort of the evening. “It helped me tremendously, she said. “I looked my best for Him, I behaved my best for Him, and I was constantly aware of His steadying presence with me!”

In summary, you need to give love to your mate biblically, emotionally, and physically whether you receive a response or not. This is altogether possible through agape love. One wife, whose husband was involved with another woman, said, “I tried to show him that my love for him did not depend on how he treated me. I still showed him physical affection. I said to him sometimes, ‘I love you, no matter what you are doing right now, and I believe the Lord means for us to be together.’ I sent him little cards with appropriate messages that messages that expressed my caring while we were apart. And, do you know, when we reconciled, I found that he had saved every one of them!”

I asked some wives who had been through the experience to give me their list of do’s and don’ts for any woman trying to save her marriage. Here are the excellent suggestions they compiled:

• There can be no growth in your relationship as long as there is doubt as to your commitment to your marriage. Make your commitment!

• When your husband withholds his love, trust the Lord to meet your emotional needs. He won’t let you down!

• Give your husband honor, love, and biblical respect even though his actions do not deserve it. Give him warm acceptance no matter what. The more hopeless your situation is, the more your loving behavior is apt to be accepted as genuine.

• Don’t try to reform your husband. Just love him.

• Live one day at a time.

• Don’t try to do it on your own. The Lord is with you!

• Don’t be bitter against anyone in the situation. Never turn your children against their father. Forgive!

• Don’t ask family or friends to take sides against your husband.

• Don’t discuss your intimate marriage problems. Don’t give fuel to gossip. Confide in the Lord, your counselor, and perhaps a close Christian friend whom you can trust to keep silence.

• Choose your biblical counselor wisely. Never discuss your problems with a friend of the opposite sex.

• Spend as much time in the Word of God as possible.

• Concentrate on yourself, redeeming the mistakes you made, and asking God to show you how to change, rather than concentrating on your partner’s failures.

• Do not separate. Encourage your husband to stay in the home, no matter what.

• Do not give your husband a divorce. Do all in your power to delay or prevent it. If you must consult a lawyer, make it clear to the lawyer that it is only for your financial protection and that of your children. Find a Christian lawyer who will help you preserve your marriage.

• Spend your time with people who will encourage you in spiritual growth.

• Do not overcompensate with your children. They need your love and stability while their father is gone, but they still need discipline. It will be hard to build a new love relationship with your husband when he does come home if the children are out of control.

• Do not try to defend yourself from gossip or criticism. Keep your mouth shut. The Lord will fight for you and you will hold your peace.

• Remember that the most innocent thing you say will get twisted. Avoid loose talk and do not listen to tale-bearing.

• When you do anything (large or small) to pull the marriage apart, you are going against God’s will. Let that be your guideline for all decisions.

• Don’t expect your husband to change overnight when he does come back home.

• The hardest time may be when you are reconciled and you have a tendency to fall back into old habit patterns. Don’t do it!

• Hope all things, believe all things, and endure all things.

The above article goes on to give more helpful information including a first person narrative expository of the love story of Hosea, from the Bible. This article comes from the book Love Life for Every Married Couple, written by Dr Ed Wheat and Gloria Okes Perkins, published by Zondervan Publishing. This book details the process of rediscovering the joy of marriage through practical counsel involving communication and an understanding of each other in our sexual make-up. Physician Ed Wheat will help you improve your marriage through sharing, touching, appreciating and focusing healing attention on your mate. Answering physical, psychological and stress-related questions in a Christian context, Dr. Wheat demonstrates how to bring your feelings of love back to life.

They also have a shorter version of this book which is a mass market paperback titled, How to Save Your Marriage Alone, written by the same authors. You won’t get all of the information that the other book gives on sexual issues among other topics. This book just concentrates on the above subject.


Join the Discussion!

But please observe the following guidelines:

  • Try to be as positive as possible when you make a comment.
  • If there is name-calling, or profane language, it will be deleted.
  • The same goes with hurtful comments targeted at belittling others; we won't post them.
  • Recommendations for people to divorce will be edited out–that's a decision between them and God, not us.
  • If you have a criticism, please make it constructive.
  • Be mindful that this is an international ministry where cultural differences need to be considered.
  • Please honor the fact this is a Christ-centered web site.
We review all comments before posting them to reduce spam and offensive content.


355 Responses to “How to Save Your Marriage Alone”
  1. Nicola from United Kingdom says:

    Please pray for my husband. He has been working away for 18 months and came home 10 weeks ago saying he doesn’t love me anymore. He stayed for the weekend tried to explain how he was feeling but just kept crying. He says no one else is involved. He collected some belongings and left. We have been in minimal contact since then as he says it hurts to speak to me and he gets upset. We spoke for about an hour last week and he returned home the following day. Wouldn’t speak about us only wanted to talk about the bills and house. We didn’t really get anywhere as again he was in floods of tears. He stayed less than 24 hours then left again with the majority of his things. I really want to save our marriage but it seems as though he has just given up. I’m not sure I can do it alone and I’m looking for guidance. Please help

    • Cindi from United States says:

      I feel your pain. I have been dealing with an almost identical situation to yours for the past 8 months. It is very difficult.

  2. Joshua from United States says:

    I have been married for 14 years. Have 3 children. Wife wants out of relationship and she has valid points. I need a lot of work. She has wanted out every few years and we end up back at the same place. Likely because looking back I change for a little while then I go right back to how I was without even realizing it. We are still in the same house still sleeping in same bed. Nothing physical though. There is a lot of hurt on both sides.

    Honestly, she has tried to talk to me and I have not listened. This time seems different. I wear my emotions on my sleeve and she bottles them up. I want to save my marriage with my wife. I don’t drink, do drugs, I don’t abuse her or the kids. I know I haven’t been their emotionally like I should be for her and I understand her hurt. I want to be there for her and fix things but it’s really hard when I tell her I love her and I only get a blank stare back at me. How do I approach things and stay calm and fix our relationship? Please pray that we both can find the strength and courage to work things out. I don’t want a divorce I want to cherish her and my kids.

    • Bernard from South Africa says:

      I am experiencing the exact same situation, except my wife and kids have moved out. Joshua, I wil pray for you and just remember nothing is impossible for God; I am going through a lot of emotional stress at the moment as well as hurt & pain, self-scrutiny and even bad self-respect. I promise every time I feel this way and I speak to God and I feel better. God is against divorce and even if my wife and kids have moved out and she has already filed for divorce, I keep on getting the same answer from God, believe in Him and do what He says and nothing is impossible. I am not confident only but really belive God will save my marriage if I commit and listen to His will. Amen!!

      • Angela from United States says:

        Bernard! I needed to read your comment, thank you for sharing it inspired me <3 I'm the one who moved out but because it was an abusive situation. As soon as my husband found out I was moving out he filed for divorce 3 days after I gave birth to his 3rd baby girl.

      • Joshua H from United States says:

        Thanks for this, Bernard. I confessed unfaithfulness to my wife earlier this year. I wasn’t actively committing adultery, but God made it clear that it was time for me to man up and do the right thing. This has brought out a lot of other very deep issues in both of us. My wife’s anger has not subsided, and if anything it is bewildering to watch. I’m seeing a couple of therapists, and my pastor, and nobody has ever seen anyone act this way.

        She filed for divorce and has kicked me out of the house. We have 4 kids. She’s using them both as a weapon and a shield, and it is excruciating to watch. I’ve been suicidal many times this year, and acted on it several times with poor results. I can’t begin to express the pain I’m in.

        What’s worse is that my wife is a very narcissistic, controlling person. She always has been. It’s a security mechanism. I have done a very poor job in our 12 years of marriage to give her a true sense of security, but the confession of adultery was way more than she ever expected.

        And yet in light of all of this, I know God on a level I’ve never known him. He is healing so much of the pain and trauma I have experienced throughout my life– I had a very abusive and unstable childhood, and those wounds have manifested themselves in dark ways throughout my adult life so far. But He is so good. He is faithful, even to those of us whose actions are totally reprehensible. And so I know that if He’s this generous and patient and merciful with a terrible sinner such as me, then He’s the same with my wife. And as Ephesians 5 says, we are to love our wives as Christ loved the church.

        That is very powerful, and seemingly impossible to attain. Do I even want that? When I think of my wife and how she treats me and the kids, the answer is no. But when I think of my Savior, my heart melts and I’m able to look past my wife and her bitterness, and I’m able to see that through me I can model Christ for her, and HE can be glorified in that!

        So to Bernard and Joshua, I would say to fight for your marriage, not necessarily because it’s worth saving, but because what God can bring through it (based upon what His word says) is totally worth going through hell for.

        And there are too many testimonies of marriages that endured and came out so much better on the other side. To actually think I could fall in love with my wife again, I have to admit, is something I truly do want to happen, and we can be a very visible model of the Resurrection for our children to see!!!

        • Steve Wright from United States says:

          Joshua, Please read this week’s Marriage Insight titled, “The Love of Christ Revealed” at: There is a quote in it written by Emily Weirenga that is inspiring and filled with truth. It’s something that every Christian should realize and live out within their marriages. I hope and pray that you have another chance with your wife to show her the love of Christ revealed. And even if she never allows it, I hope that you will embrace Christ to the point that your children will see their dad living His truth out in every day circumstances –that you will reveal and reflect His love in the way you treat each one of them, and how you conduct your life –even through the toughest of times and temptations. “May the Lord direct your heart into God’s love and Christ’s perseverance.” (2 Thessalonians 3:5)

  3. Kara from United States says:

    Asking for prayers, counsel, and support. A week ago my husband told me he wanted a divorce. It was completely out of the blue for me. We have had our issues in the past and we are currently under a lot of financial stress due to lack of work. He was in the oil field and when it took a hit he lost work. We have been living with the parents while he works a job a few weeks here and there. We have a 7 month old son.

    He told me he did not love me the way a married couple should love each other, and that he wasn’t happy and had not been happy in our marriage the 2.5 years we’ve been married. Divorce had been brought up before in the past but I honestly thought we were the strongest we’d ever been. The next day I found out he was cheating on me at least emotionally, if not physically. I’ve decided and have not faltered on my decision to fight for my marriage, or rather have God fight for us. I’m a firm believer that marriage is a sacred commitment. For me divorce is not an option. I’ve been diving into scripture and trying to leave in Gods hands. As some of you may know, easier said than done. But I really do feel him giving me strength.

    I am currently staying at my parents while my husband is already staying with this new companion of his, which makes this so tough because he’s already checked out. Everyone tells me I deserve better. It is hard for them to wrap their head around me fighting for my marriage. I’m just trusting God and focusing on myself and my son right now but do need any prayer, counsel and support this community has to offer. Thank you

    • Cindy Wright from United States says:

      Kara, I’m so very sad for you that you find yourself in this place with your husband. It should never be. I’m proud of you for even wanting to fight this mess he has gotten himself, you and your son into. He is chasing the elusive dream of wanting to have the “in love” chemistry going without putting the time and effort into it, that it takes to continually reignite it. The first sparks of love are the easy ones to light… it’s the ones that come later after the familiarity of marriage sets in, that take more effort. And then when tough situations come up, such as unemployment, instead of looking towards each other –giving each other grace and space that is needed, your husband is looking beyond the marriage. Eventually, he will see that this is just a bandage put over a wound that needed tending to in other ways. Time and life lessons (and God talking to him) will show him that. But of course, he would deny it at this point. He found someone to buy the lie with him for now.

      Kara, I can’t tell you what to do. But I can tell you that you will find many, many people who will be all too willing to try to get you to give up. We live in a society that just doesn’t have the same ethics of gritting through tough times to get to a better side, and instead run to dump out of them and attempt to “move on” (which sounds good, but it’s not all it’s cracked up to be). This is a very “marriage unfriendly” world we live in. People want quick (or quicker than they’re willing to invest in) fixes and when things don’t go that way, most people want out, and they want their friends to be “out” of their difficult circumstances too. That’s just not God’s way of doing things. It’s not what we vowed to do on our wedding day.

      All I can say is to try, as best as you can, to surround yourself with people who will not give you advice to give up on your marriage. They mean well, but that is not counsel that they should be giving anyone. That is counsel that only God can give you (because even as dark as things look, God knows whether or not there is light around the corner). You need friends that will pray for you AND for your husband (even if they’re mad at him), believe for you, will help you think beyond the “divorce box” and will not try to push you to get a divorce. If a “friend” tries to push you away from your marriage, then stay away from them at this present time. It will just cloud up your thinking.

      You sound wise in taking a step back, “trusting God and focusing” on yourself and on your son right now. A LOT of mistakes and regrets are made when we rush into things just because they appear to look hopeless at the present time. I pray for you and for your husband and for your son. I pray that God brings people into your life who will speak encouragement into your life that you can do what you need to do without pushing divorce at you. I pray that God will show you what He wants to teach you through these tough times –ones you never expected, but ones that He will show you redemption somehow. I pray for moments of smiles to be found in your life, and days ahead where you can see more hope, than hopelessness. And I pray for peace for you –that as you do the right thing, you will experience a peace that passes understanding. I also pray God infuses hope into your heart that you will eventually experience better days –ones that will bring a smile to your heart.

    • BN from United States says:

      Kara I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I am in almost the same situation right now…about 6 months ago I found out my husband was having an emotional affair and he dropped the bomb that he hasn’t been happy for over half our 2.5 year (now 3 year) marriage and wants out.

      He’s been kind to me and says he cares but he doesn’t feel the same way he did (probably because he feels that way toward someone else). I am struggling now because he spoke to me about splitting finances and I feel like agreeing to that is me “agreeing” to separate even though it has been his choice.

      I am also standing for my marriage and even though it is hard and other people are telling me to give up because “God has someone else for me” I feel like I am supposed to hold on and not give up, just pray for my husband and allow God to work. I will be praying for your situation!

      • Kara from United States says:

        BN that does sound exactly the same as the way my husband is speaking. He told me last night he cares so much for me and does not want to hurt me but he just can’t lie to himself and pretend to love me. He has also talked to me about getting separate banking accounts. He turned down any options for counseling because he says it will only hurt me and prolong it. But I am still praying and still giving it to God. Tonight I read Romans 5:3-5 and it really gave me such a peace.

        Not only so, but we also rejoice in our suffering, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perserverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us. Because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. I’ll be praying for you and your husband and God’s will in your marriage. Thank you for sharing your situation with me, as well.

      • Kara from United States says:

        Hey BN, Just wanted to check on you to see how your situation is going. I hope you’re staying confident in God’s plan for your marriage. God is good all the time.

  4. Alia from United States says:

    God should be first for what you should do with your marriage and yourself. When you’re trying to change, surrender the problems to your God. Be persistant with your wife. Never give up. God is working out problems behind close doors if you want to know then ask God.

  5. Linda from United States says:

    I have no hope left for my marriage. My husband loves to criticise me, everyday. From my hair, weight, food I cook, how I clean, my job. Everything is criticised, and if I try to stand up for myself he just points out he’s fitter than me, has no debt and makes more money. Essentially he’s better than me and works harder therefore he can be as cruel as he likes. I’ve often heard that ‘I deserve it’ when he yells at me.

    I’m 23 weeks pregnant. I have no family nearby and no support. He controls my time so I can’t go out with friends unless I ask permission, and then he’ll tell me it’s a waste of time and non-productive. I joined cachetism class and go every Sunday. He tells me I’m wasting time as an adult that I should have done as a child.

    I’ve told myself everyday for the last few weeks to stop caring, to pull back my emotions. I cry everyday thinking this will be my life and this was the man who was supposed to love me. I’m sitting in the car at the gym wishing I didn’t have to go home. I made eggs on the weekend. He didn’t like the smell. He told me that that’s why I’m fat. I can’t eat dinner in front of him and can only cook food he likes. Prior to pregnancy I was 5’3″ and 135 lb., I worked out 4 days a week and can run 3 miles in under 27 minutes, I was between a size 2-6.

    I hate going home because it’s just a place to clean, cook and receive hate but I have no where to go. Is this suffering God’s plan? I’m getting seriously depressed.

    • Kara from United States says:

      Linda I am so deeply saddened by your situation. I wish I had more wisdom and advice to pass along to you. Know I am praying for you, your unborn child and your marriage.

  6. Jerri from United States says:

    I am committed to saving my marriage. My husband has left our home and has been gone 1 month. He will not communicate with me. He stated he wants a divorce. There was no infidelity. Only conflict management issues. He won’t respond to any attempts from me to communicate. I am writing e-mails asking forgiveness and restoration.

    I am praying for the almighty God of reconcilation to work in his life to unbearably convict him towards turning to Jesus (he does not have a personal relationship with Christ). I am praying for his repentance and for his reconcilation to God
    And then to our marriage. I want his heart to be warmed towards me and our marriage.

  7. Missy from United States says:

    I have been married just over a year. Last month my husband told me he was with another woman, sexually, twice. My world has been upside down ever since. He has told me several times that he is done with her, but then he turns around and talks to her again. This weekend he told her he loves her, and I went nuts and told him to leave. Then I begged him to come back, because I did not really want him to leave, but he has shut me out emotionally and will not talk to me.

    Today he told me, again, that he is finished with her. I so want to believe him, but deep down I know I should not trust him, yet. I love him so much, and I do not believe in divorce. He has said he wants to save our marriage, but keeps talking to her even though he knows he shouldn’t. He lies and deletes messages between them. I’m at a loss as to what to do.

    • Amanda from United States says:

      Hi Missy. I’m in that very situation as you are. I’ve been married just over a year and my husband is also unfaithful with no signs of changing. He left me and is with another woman now. I just say keep praying and holding strong. We have God’s favor and blessing over the other women. God will reveal himself to our husbands again and we will find happiness. I know what you’re going through and it feels like the hurt will never end. God has us in his favor though. Just keep praying.

  8. Anthony from United States says:

    Please pray for my wife. I feel that she has too much hate in her heart. She criticises me for everything, and is always negative. Nothing I ever do is good enough for her and now I find myself asking over and over again… what did I do wrong? We’ve been married for 9 yrs now and we have 2 very young kids that dote on us both. I feel that she’s surrounded by negative people that want us apart. All she does in confide in them and complain about me. We barely argue and when we do, well there’s a price I have to pay.

    We’ve been like this since June 2015 and it was over a silly little water bill. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m here for her and my kids. I’m doing everything in my power to do what a man is supposed to do. She barely talks to me and won’t even look at me. I ask everyone here to help me pray for her. Help her have a change of heart. Protect her from the demons out there wanting to destroy our marriage. No relationship is perfect and she needs to understand that. At times I feel like I’m losing this battle :(

    I know I need to be strong through the bad times and I hope that this is just a phase that all marriages go through. I pray for God to forgive her and forgive me also. Help me continue to have faith and believe our marriage will survive this test.

  9. Joseph from United States says:

    Please pray for me and my wife. I had problems within myself like anger and stubbornness, so I would take it out on her even though I knew I shouldn’t have. I couldn’t stop; I wanted to change, I just didn’t know how to. She told me that she was to stay at her moms for the weekend to help her. I guess that it was her way of trying to separate us. Then all week long I was trying to convince her that I can change; give me a chance and we can work this out but her mind was made up. I tried talking to her parents but they pushed her farther away. It made her mad at me and wants nothing to do with me and told me we are getting a divorce. I cried out to God for a week straight and he put into my spirit and has shown me that we are meant to be together and that we can have reconciliation. But I have to work on myself. It’s really hard and I need prayer that God would restore my marriage in his time and prayer that I can be in line with God’s word to save my marriage.

  10. Angela from United States says:

    HI! So my husband and I have had issues for the past 2 years. It started when he came back from Afghanistan. He wasn’t the same person. We separated 7-8 times and every time we did I moved back home with my parents. After our 2nd separation I moved out of state with him for his job. We separated again and I got pregnant with our 3rd daughter. We decided to work things out. He is mentally, verbally, and emotionally abusive and I tend to gossip and share a lot of our marital problems with everyone.

    I’m also guilty of confiding and complaining to other men about my husband (which I’m working on). So we both have a lot of issues to deal with. His manipulation has gotten worse and at 6 months pregnant I told him he needed to get help because of possible PTSD and the abusse he was subjecting myself and my 2 girls to. I initiated a divorce and quickly changed my mind to I wanted a separation until him and I both got the help we needed. We stayed living together for the remaining of my pregnancy but it was a lot of cycles.

    One day he was brutally mean to me (putting me down, calling me awful names, saying I’m unworthy and everything is my fault) and really good days (typically if I gave him sex) where he’d be overly nice. I read the book the The Emotionally Destructive Marriage and my eyes were opened up to what I was dealing with. I made the decision to move out because things had gotten bad enough that I needed to protect my girls from all this. He saw that I was acutually moving into my own place and this made him even more angry. He wasn’t there for the birth of the baby and 3 days later he filed for divorce.

    He has done a lot of things that are unGodly, evil, and extremely harmful to ones mental state. He turned people against me and told many lies. I’ve tried to be kind this whole time, there were times I’d fight back but for the most part I would listen and walk away or defend myself. Anytime I do anything with responding to my attorney she responds to his attorney and my husband seems to go on a cycle again of being angry and not being friendly.

    2 days before I moved out we got into another HUGE fight and he asked why I didn’t try to work things out the past month (this is typical of me, all past separations I begged for him to work things out and this time I chose not to). I contacted my attorney and asked for a protective order ordering him to be “nice.” His attorney called him and put him in his place. Since moving out he’s been very nice, cooperative, and no name calling or mental abuse. He doesn’t respect boundaries still, and I’m sure he’s seeing someone else.

    I’m very conflicted on what to do. I want my marriage but I don’t want to be subjected to the mental and emotional abuse anymore. He is not a Christian and from reading the Bible somewhere I read that “if an unbelieving spouse wants to leave then let it be so.” He’s very clear on the fact that he does not want a wife who believes in God. But 2 years ago he had a relationship with God and wanted to be a chaplain in the army.

    I also believe he’s a narcissist. With all the documenting and reading comparing his behavior to that of a narcissist it all makes sense now. I don’t want to give up but it seems so hopeless at this point. I read that narcissists don’t change, but I also know God is capable of turning the impossible to possible. SO my question is we’re living in separate homes, he shows no signs of wanting the marriage or me and has told me numerous times he fell out of love with me 4 years ago. It’s confusing because he gets mad any time I make a decision to move forward with this divorce, so do I continue to work and pray for this marriage even though he’s an unbeliever? What steps do I need to take to try to win him back with my actions and words of love? Since I moved out how can I fix this?

    I read Love Must Be Tough so I was practicing tough love but I almost feel like it back fired because he continuously tells me I never loved him and I never wanted this marriage. I think it’s a guilt trip. HELP PLEASE! I’m sleep deprived with the newborn and busy with the other 2. I need some guidance and hope!

  11. Brian from United States says:

    I am extremely sad and heartbroken right now. My wife and I have been married for 7 years. I’m a recovering alcoholic and have had my ups and downs with this over the last 7 years of my marriage. I’ve received and continue to receive help every day. I work a program of recovery. My wife has filed for divorce and I’m devastated. We have two beautiful daughters and I’ve made the commitment to stand for my marriage. I had to be broken down to nothing for me to call out to God and reconnect with Him. Please pray for my family restoration.

  12. Amanda from United States says:

    I’ve been married to my husband for a little over a year and he has been unfaithful to me on numerous occasions. I have conceived once during this time period and all the while he was with other women. We’ve never really lived together because he makes excuses as to why he needs to live 2 hours away in another city. Recently I’ve found another piece of evidence indicating his infidelity and he finally admitted to it but also said he isn’t looking for my forgiveness, and believes there is no where to go from here. Out of anger I exposed what he did publicly but it only made him shut me out completely and move on with another woman.

    I am a Christian woman and I don’t believe in divorce (my heart is not hardened). I came to terms with what he has done and forgive him even though he is no longer with me. I’ve chosen to wait for him and pray about our circumstances. I know our marriage has God’s blessing over his new relationship. Therefore, I plan to stay true to him and raise our son for the both of us and I know eventually God will bring him back to me. This is not an easy process and my heart is very heavy. But I pray and ask God for the strength to get me through one day at a time. I planned to be married for a lifetime so if I have to wait for him patiently then I will. Please feel free to share your thoughts and stories with me. Amanda

Marriage Missions International