Marriage Missions International

How to Save Your Marriage Alone

Christian psychiatrist Paul D. Meier says that there are “only 3 choices for any person involved in an unhappy marriage: (1) get a divorce —the greatest cop-out and by far the most immature choice; (2) tough out the marriage without working to improve it —another immature decision but not quite as irresponsible as divorce; and (3) maturely face up to personal hang-ups and choose to build an intimate marriage out of the existing one —the only really mature choice to make.”

In your case, the moment of truth has come, for your partner probably has already ruled out the second option and chosen the first without even considering the third. The question is, “What will you do?” Surrender to the pressures of the world’s way of thinking and the emotions of the moment? Or make a choice based on confidence in the eternal truths of Scripture?

The stakes are higher than one may realize at the time. One choice clearly leads to the bitterness and defeat of divorce as well as lost opportunities for blessing. “Divorce is more painful than death,” a woman told me, “because it’s never really over.”

Dr Meier says that when couples run away from their problems by divorcing and remarrying, “then there are four miserable people instead of just two…. Why spread misery?” he asks. “Bad marriages are contagious! Numerous psychiatric marriage relationships get divorced —no matter how good their intentions may be —they nearly always remarry into the very same type of neurotic relationship they had before.”

When you choose the pathway of irrevocable commitment to your mate and your marriage —regardless of how troubled your relationship may seem —you will find that choice leading you into a place of agape love and peace and personal growth. These are just some of the rewards, for the chances are very good that you will also be able to enjoy the blessings that God has wanted to bestow on your marriage from the beginning.

I am not suggesting that the healing of a marriage is an easy process when one partner resists it. But are any easy choices open to you, after all? Torn relationships involve pain, whatever you do about them. As Peter points out in his first letter, it is far better to suffer (if suffer you must) for doing right, than for doing wrong. He makes it clear that God’s favor and blessing shine on the one who patiently suffers, if necessary, in order to do His will. Meeting your marriage problems in a biblical manner is productive rather than pointless, and whatever hurts your encounter will be less damaging than the long-term effects of divorce would be.

“The very word divorce should be cut out of the vocabulary of a couple when they marry,” a woman with a restored marriage said, “because God’s way is so much better for anyone who is willing to give it a try.”

Another woman, considering the turbulent events of the past year that had driven her to grow emotionally and spiritually while she “loved her husband back” to their marriage, said, “It’s been all gain for me. I’m a different person now. The process was humbling, but it was worth it!”

A man said, “During the time when I was trying to win my wife’s love and hold our family together, sometimes I got so tired of rejection that I didn’t feel anything except a determination to do what the Bible said and leave the results with God. The only thing I was sure of was that somehow God would work it out for my good because He promised that in His Word. I never imagined the love affair He has actually given us. He really does do more than we can ask or think!”

While these comments from the far side of the problem are encouraging, I understand that the feelings you may be experiencing right now within the problem are less than pleasant. Many others have been where you are now and can empathize with what you are going through: shock, hurt, rejection, emotional confusion, temptation to bitterness, and of course, pressures from all sides that sometimes make you want to give up.

My heartfelt goal is to help you clarify your thoughts, stabilize your emotions, and learn to behave in a consistent, purposeful way that will save your marriage and bring a new dimension of love into your relationship.

So, if you are willing to make a commitment to your marriage based on the eternal principles and promises of the Word of God, you can take heart and let hope grow in promises of the Word of God, you can take heart and let hope grow in proportion to your commitment. Contrary to what the world believes, one person can save a marriage. In fact, most of the people I counsel belong in this category. Even when both come to see me, one is usually dragging the other along, in a manner of speaking, and only one really cares about the outcome in most cases.

Marriage counselor Anne Kristin Carroll says, “If you think there’s no hope because you are the only one in your relationship who wants or cares enough to try to save your marriage, you are wrong!” She adds, “In my experience most torn marriages are brought to new life, new vitality by the interest, basically, of only one party.” This has been my experience as well. I have seen numerous marriages saved when only one partner applied biblical principles in a whole hearted commitment to the mate and the marriage.

Some have not been saved. Usually this is because the individual is convinced that nothing will change the partner —that the longstanding problem of alcoholism or financial irresponsibility or whatever cannot be solved, and he or she simply gives up.

Occasionally, the partner desiring a divorce has developed such a strong emotional attachment to another person that it is not broken off in time to save the marriage. Often, however, this infatuation ends while the divorce is being delayed and the unfaithful partner thanks the committed mate for standing fast and preserving the marriage.

In a relatively few cases, one partner pressured by family and “loyal” friends, develops a deep bitterness toward the other and is actually encouraged in this hostility by parents and even, sometimes, church members so that efforts at reconciliation may be unavailing.

But in the great majority of cases, the outcome depends squarely on the committed partner’s ability to behave consistently in accord with biblical principles designed by the Author of marriage. So, in a very literal sense, it is all up to you. You need not expect your partner to do anything constructive about the marriage if he or she wants out.

Clarifying Your Thoughts

When the Bible says, Gird up the loins of your mind (1 Peter 1:13), it means to get your mental powers in a state of alertness for proper action. You must do this without delay. Often the Lord will provide the opportunity for some quiet, uninterrupted Bible study and prayerful consideration of God’s plan for your situation. You may also learn some important things about yourself during this time.

When one husband moved out, his parents lovingly helped the wife by keeping the children several weeks while she prepared mentally and spiritually for the challenges ahead.

One young wife was ready to dissolve her marriage until a friend in her garden club led her to the Lord. “I only knew two Scriptures at the beginning,” the wife said, “but they were exactly what I needed: ‘God is not a man, that he should lie’ (Numbers 23:19) and With God nothing shall be impossible (Luke 1:37).

“With those truths as a foundation I began to study the Bible, desperately trying to dig out God’s purpose for marriage and all that He had to say about it. I found out for myself that if I were to obey Him, then I would have to become committed to my marriage and my husband, even though he was involved with another woman and we were on the verge of divorce.

“Coming to this decision didn’t make things any easier emotionally at first, but it did show me a clear path of action, and the situation actually became less complicated because there was no more confusion about what to do! I refused to sign the divorce papers. I had gathered evidence identifying the other woman and proving my husband’s unfaithfulness. I destroyed it all. I didn’t need it anymore.”

A University of Chicago professor described this generation’s dilemma with the now familiar quotation: “We lack the language to teach what is right and wrong.” But the Bible-believing Christian caught in an emotionally fraught situation does not have that problem. The language of God concerning divorce is plain enough for any reader. For example:

For the Lord, the God of Israel says: I hate divorce and marital separation, and him who covers his garment [his wife] with violence. Therefore keep a watch upon your spirit [that it may be controlled by My Spirit], that you deal not treacherously and faithlessly [with your marriage mate] (Malachi 2:16 AMP).

He replied, ‘Have you never read that He Who made them from the beginning made them male and female’. And said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be united firmly (joined inseparably) to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man put asunder’ (separate) (Matthew 19:4-6 AMP).

As you try to gain clarity of thought concerning your marital situation viewed in light of the teaching of Scripture, I suggest that you read the first five chapters of the book, Love Life for Every Married Couple and search the Scriptures that have to do with marriage. Let me remind you once more of the eternal principle that undergirds the biblical counsel we offer: It is God’s will in every marriage for the couple to love each other with an absorbing spiritual, emotional, and physical attraction that continues to grow throughout their lifetime together.

It should be crystal clear that God intends for you and your mate to picture the love-bond of Christ and His church and that you must beware of substitutes who sometimes find their way into the vacuum of a troubled relationship. Obviously, infidelity and divorce are paths that move away from God’s plan and blessing. But when you pour yourself into restoring love to your marriage, you can be sure that the force of His will is at work with you in the process.

It is important to fill your mind with positive biblical input: biblical counseling, preaching, and teaching; good books and Bible-study tapes; and friends who will affirm you in your commitment to your marriage. You need to take in truth from those who are as committed to the permanence of marriage as the Bible is. And don’t listen to anyone else! Develop tunnel vision in this area as Proverbs 4:25-27 commands:

Let your eyes look directly ahead, and let your gaze be fixed straight in front of you. Watch the path of your feet, and all your ways will be established. Do not turn to the right nor to the left; turn your foot from evil (NASB).

You need to maintain this total mental commitment to the truth or you will be swamped by waves of human opinion and bad advice, sometimes from seemingly religious people.

One young man came to me, confused because he had been told to do nothing to win back his wife. He had been told to concentrate on his vertical relationship with God. I said to him, “This is true, but you can please God only when you are doing what the Bible says you are to do. You must be right in line with God’s Word. We have no other direction for this life. When we are in total accord with the Word, then we can relax and God has the freedom to work with us. He always works with us on the basis of the information that we have from His Word. So the more you know of the Word of God concerning marriage and love and His abhorrence of divorce, the more equipped you will be to let God do His full work and have His full way in your life.”

“I had to take a stand on this matter of outside influence,” a wife told me. “Everyone has been anxious to give me advice about my marriage. I refuse to discuss it with people who hold an unbiblical viewpoint, or people who try to turn me against my husband, or people who make me feel sorry for myself and encourage weakness in me. I can’t afford to be around worldly friends anymore. They tear me down; they tear my husband down. They may mean well, but they are so misguided. I want to be with people who will stand with me and support me when I might falter.”

When your mind is settled, your thoughts clarified, and your commitment made, you will find that you no longer lie at the mercy of outside events, reacting to every new circumstance with fresh pain and bewilderment. Instead, your viewpoint becomes, “This is what I am going to do, no matter what, because it is God’s way to do it. I can count on His wisdom, and I can trust Him with the results of a course of action based on His Word.”

“I’m not standing by my marriage anymore on the basis of what the outcome will be,” one woman told me. “People urge me to dump my husband, give up on him because he’s made my life miserable; they tell me I deserve someone better, that I wouldn’t have any trouble finding someone else to love me.

My answer is that marriage is sacred; marriage is permanent; I am committed by my marriage vows; I am one flesh with my husband; and then I really shock them! I tell them that even if there is no happy ending for our marriage, I will not regret the stand I have taken. I will know that I made the right decision and followed the only course possible for me. I will have done all that I could.

“But my trust is not in what I am dong,” she added. “It is in God and His Word. He has a perfect, loving plan for my life, and He’s wise enough and powerful enough to carry it out, if I cooperate by following His counsel. So I’m going to keep on obeying Him in my marriage and I’ll leave the results with Him. I am at peace with that.”

[Marriage Missions editors’ note: The authors, Dr Ed Wheat and Gloria Okes Perkins go on from this point to include a lot more valuable advice. For many different reasons, including honoring their copyright privileges, we need to shorten this article. Plus we think you need to obtain the book yourself because of the additional advice you’ll benefit from reading. But we do want to end this article with some practical advice that was given at the end of this chapter hoping it will spur you on to start this journey towards saving your marriage, even if you have to try to do it alone.]

A happy wife wrote me a note of thanks for my counsel which gave her the courage to stick with her marriage. She said, “One little thing you said to me meant so much. You said, ‘So what if your husband doesn’t tell you he loves you right now!” I knew you were right. I really wasn’t that important. This wife found that putting up with a little rejection was worth it in the long run in order to have a revitalized marriage.

I have talked with many women who tell me that when they do not feel their husband’s love, the Lord has a way of loving them that is almost tangible. “Like being in the sunshine, just feeling the warmth of His love,” several wives agreed.

A lovely young wife carried that a step further in her own trying situation. She said that it was often difficult dressing to go out for the evening with her husband because she knew in advance that he would not treat her the way she longed to be treated. So she developed the habit of thinking of the Lord Jesus as her friend and escort of the evening. “It helped me tremendously, she said. “I looked my best for Him, I behaved my best for Him, and I was constantly aware of His steadying presence with me!”

In summary, you need to give love to your mate biblically, emotionally, and physically whether you receive a response or not. This is altogether possible through agape love. One wife, whose husband was involved with another woman, said, “I tried to show him that my love for him did not depend on how he treated me. I still showed him physical affection. I said to him sometimes, ‘I love you, no matter what you are doing right now, and I believe the Lord means for us to be together.’ I sent him little cards with appropriate messages that messages that expressed my caring while we were apart. And, do you know, when we reconciled, I found that he had saved every one of them!”

I asked some wives who had been through the experience to give me their list of do’s and don’ts for any woman trying to save her marriage. Here are the excellent suggestions they compiled:

• There can be no growth in your relationship as long as there is doubt as to your commitment to your marriage. Make your commitment!

• When your husband withholds his love, trust the Lord to meet your emotional needs. He won’t let you down!

• Give your husband honor, love, and biblical respect even though his actions do not deserve it. Give him warm acceptance no matter what. The more hopeless your situation is, the more your loving behavior is apt to be accepted as genuine.

• Don’t try to reform your husband. Just love him.

• Live one day at a time.

• Don’t try to do it on your own. The Lord is with you!

• Don’t be bitter against anyone in the situation. Never turn your children against their father. Forgive!

• Don’t ask family or friends to take sides against your husband.

• Don’t discuss your intimate marriage problems. Don’t give fuel to gossip. Confide in the Lord, your counselor, and perhaps a close Christian friend whom you can trust to keep silence.

• Choose your biblical counselor wisely. Never discuss your problems with a friend of the opposite sex.

• Spend as much time in the Word of God as possible.

• Concentrate on yourself, redeeming the mistakes you made, and asking God to show you how to change, rather than concentrating on your partner’s failures.

• Do not separate. Encourage your husband to stay in the home, no matter what.

• Do not give your husband a divorce. Do all in your power to delay or prevent it. If you must consult a lawyer, make it clear to the lawyer that it is only for your financial protection and that of your children. Find a Christian lawyer who will help you preserve your marriage.

• Spend your time with people who will encourage you in spiritual growth.

• Do not overcompensate with your children. They need your love and stability while their father is gone, but they still need discipline. It will be hard to build a new love relationship with your husband when he does come home if the children are out of control.

• Do not try to defend yourself from gossip or criticism. Keep your mouth shut. The Lord will fight for you and you will hold your peace.

• Remember that the most innocent thing you say will get twisted. Avoid loose talk and do not listen to tale-bearing.

• When you do anything (large or small) to pull the marriage apart, you are going against God’s will. Let that be your guideline for all decisions.

• Don’t expect your husband to change overnight when he does come back home.

• The hardest time may be when you are reconciled and you have a tendency to fall back into old habit patterns. Don’t do it!

• Hope all things, believe all things, and endure all things.

The above article goes on to give more helpful information including a first person narrative expository of the love story of Hosea, from the Bible. This article comes from the book Love Life for Every Married Couple, written by Dr Ed Wheat and Gloria Okes Perkins, published by Zondervan Publishing. This book details the process of rediscovering the joy of marriage through practical counsel involving communication and an understanding of each other in our sexual make-up. Physician Ed Wheat will help you improve your marriage through sharing, touching, appreciating and focusing healing attention on your mate. Answering physical, psychological and stress-related questions in a Christian context, Dr. Wheat demonstrates how to bring your feelings of love back to life.

They also have a shorter version of this book which is a mass market paperback titled, How to Save Your Marriage Alone, written by the same authors. You won’t get all of the information that the other book gives on sexual issues among other topics. This book just concentrates on the above subject.


Join the Discussion!

But please observe the following guidelines:

  • Try to be as positive as possible when you make a comment.
  • If there is name-calling, or profane language, it will be deleted.
  • The same goes with hurtful comments targeted at belittling others; we won't post them.
  • Recommendations for people to divorce will be edited out–that's a decision between them and God, not us.
  • If you have a criticism, please make it constructive.
  • Be mindful that this is an international ministry where cultural differences need to be considered.
  • Please honor the fact this is a Christ-centered web site.
We review all comments before posting them to reduce spam and offensive content.


283 Responses to “How to Save Your Marriage Alone”
  1. Jim from United States says:

    I have been struggling with this same issue. My wife has not only left the marriage but has left God as well. For many months I’ve been trying to figure out why God has allowed this and what I have to do to save my marriage. After reading this, I have a new found rush of hope! Not only for my marriage but for me and her, as well! I pray that I can remember the reading and that I’m not the only one who has gone through this!

  2. Jim from United States says:

    I do have a question that I am really looking for an answer for. And if anyone can answer or has an answer, I would greatly appreciate it! Since my wife has left the marriage, and I am committed to keep my vows and my marriage sacred, she has not. Why then does she seem happier than she has in the last 5 years (going out drinking all the time, dating other men…) and I’m so miserable and depressed? I’m the one with God in my life! It should be the other way around… right? What am I missing?

    • Cindy Wright from United States says:

      Jim, I’m so sorry for your pain… truly! I can only imagine how difficult this is for you, and even so, it almost overwhelms me thinking of the gravity of that amount of pain. My heart goes out to you (and so does my husband Steve’s).

      In answer to your question, why would you think that you would be “happy” in this situation, even as a child of God? God Himself, isn’t happy with all the sinning going on, so why should you think you would feel different than Him? Sin has devastating effects upon those it is thrown upon… as you well know, and are experiencing. But there’s something to be said for persevering in faithfulness, even when you sometimes feel like a sucker. EVENTUALLY, as you follow the road of doing what is right, you will eventually see light at the end of the tunnel, a rainbow (so to speak) after the horrible storm passes.

      That’s not how this will end for your wife. The enemy of our faith is sly. Sin is wrapped up in that, which appears to be so wonderful and fun and enticing. But it’s also a deceptive bed-fellow. It leaves eventually… doesn’t stick around (unlike God), and then the person who was so caught up in it better sees that it has caused immense damage on so many levels, more than one could ever have imagined. After the wrappings are pulled away and your wife sees what it has done, trust me, it’s not going to be a laughing matter.

      Your wife has grabbed onto that, which appears shiny and fun, but under it all, darkness will be revealed. Where you, on the other hand, can see and are experiencing a type of darkness (to a certain degree), but later, you will be SO glad that you did the right thing. God makes sure that we eventually see this (either here on earth, in Heaven, or both to varying degrees). Hang in there Jim. Work on your relationship with God and those around you that would please God and you will be glad you did. We’re rooting for you and praying strength for you.

  3. Pamela from United States says:

    I am looking for assistance. My husband of 32 years left our marriage the end of August shortly after the death of my father. He has been seeing a 34 year old woman (what I understand has been for about 1 year). He will no longer see me or speak with me on the phone; only in email and text message. He says that he wants to move on and he does not love me or want to work on the marriage. He will not go to counseling with or without me. I cannot speak about God with him at all. I am heartbroken.

    I love my husband and my family and want to work this out some how. I have been praying and aksing God to help me and have seen no change, Scott’s heart is so hard aganist me. I am in Christian therapy and the therapist told me Thursday that I should give up and so did my assistant pastor. I am very discouraged but I have faith that God can do anything.
    Please provide me with some guidance.

    • Leanna from United States says:

      Pamela: I too am going through a similar situation. My husband left me after 18 years of marriage in August. He has been seeing a 28 year old for about 7 months but won’t admit it. We have a 16 year old and a 3 year old. About 3 years ago I saw a dramatic change in my husband. He began partying and going to rave’s with people in their 20’s.

      My advice is to continue to fight. That is what I’m doing. Not giving up on my marriage. When I took my vows it was for better or for worse. God doesn’t’ give up on us so don’t give up on your husband. Continue to show him love and support and hopefully he will come around. Keep praying!!! God hears us!

    • Tom from United States says:

      I just read your post and respond by saying that you are getting bad advice and need to find a different counselor. Re-read the blog and check out Rejoice Marraige Ministries and Covenant Keepers.

      My wife left in mid-March after 28 years together. There is/has been no divorce filed and no OM, yet there has been no sign of her wanting to reconcile, seemingly happier now than she was, which may be understandable after we had a very rough three years. I too, am desperate to save my marriage but remember that we cannot change their hearts, only God can!

  4. Leanna from United States says:

    Hello: My husband of 18 years walked out on me in August and I am devastated. He told me he is not filing for divorce yet because it’s too soon and he is unsure of what he wants but is unwilling to fix it. He won’t spend more that 5 minutes in the same room with me. The last 3 years have been very tough for us. He started going out drinking and partying with 20 something year olds. He began an affair with one or more young women which I discovered on my birthday in July.

    We have a 16 year old and a 3 year old. I don’t want to give up but I am scared that it is over. He seems to be happier being without me and the kids. In the last 3 months he has been to Hawaii, a cruise and Texas twice. He goes out every night drinking. He does see our 3 year old about 1 or 2 days a week but really has no contact with our 16 year old because he is very angry with his dad. I’ve reached out for help with our church as well as the Catholic church we were married in but no one has contacted me back. I feel so alone and not getting the help we need. I know if we continue this way it’s over no matter how much I fight for my family. Please pray for us as I am at a very low point and feeling helpless.

    • Yoli from United States says:

      Leanna, You are not alone. God will never abandon us! I’m going through a divorce that I don’t want. It should have been finalized in September but here we are nearly December. God is faithful to hear our prayers so lets continue to pray. You have brothers and sisters in Christ and we are here for you. Sister get on your knees and don’t get back up, God is more powerful than your husband’s words! God Bless You! Your sister in Christ, Yoli

      • Sheila from United States says:

        Yoli, I read your reply and curious about your divorce. My husband left also early August for another woman, telling me he wanted a divorce after he sorted out his feelings for her. He left me with no choice but to file it first with the intention for him to pay me temporary child support since he closed everything and me having to pay some bills and him dividing the debts and assets and telling me not to get a lawyer. I regretted filing it and told him that I wanted to save the marriage. But he wasn’t willing and in fact he counter filed denying the affair and told me so that he’s not having one but we both know what he told me about her and how he acted at home, plus I saw some evidence of their activities.

        I really want to save our marriage. Today, I wanted to send him a text message to tell him how much I miss him but am scared I would only get rejection. He doesn’t have plans on coming home anymore, even to see his kids. We have 3 year old beautiful twin boys. He only saw them once for about an hour. Did you file it first or what did you do to delay the divorce? Thanks. Sheila

  5. Sheila from United States says:

    Hello everyone. My husband left me for another woman early August saying he wanted to sort out his feelings for her since they just started around June according to him. 2 days after, he texted me saying he wanted a divorce and later on told me he was in love with her. We have 3 children, 2 together –3 year old twin boys whom he has only seen once for about an hour around October. He left me no choice but to file the papers first, which I regretted very much. He later counter filed saying he’s not having an affair. We both know what he told me about her and how he acted around the house when I found out about her.

    He doesn’t have any plan in coming home anymore and am sure he’s with her now. He works out of state. That makes our situation difficult. How could I reach out to him? How could I stand in a situation like this? Am so tempted to text him today to tell him how much I miss him but too scared of rejection. Please anybody out there advise. We’re on the verge of divorce and am really praying God would change his heart and mind. Thank you for taking the time to read and give me suggestions.

  6. James from United States says:

    I’m 26 years old. I’ve been married for 7 years, been with my wife 10 years. We have two children together, a 5 yr old boy and an 8 yr old girl. In August we had an argument and I had mentioned divorce but shortly after that I regretted it and apologized and tried to make up for it. Well, she was being secretive locking her phone and not coming home at night. I didn’t want a divorce I just wanted her to change for her to compromise. I tried sending her flowers, writing her note, leaving them in the car, just tring to be sweet and show her I cared and was sorry.

    Well, I found out that she was sending and getting provocative pics from a girl who was my friend at the time too. That girl also got her in some weird drugs. I heard that she had been sexual with this girl but she said nothing was going on. In October I found out she had leased a house, she said she needed time and space and I was shocked and depressed. Well, that girl ended up staying with her every night since she moved so I was like if you need space and time for yourself why does she have to be there every night? She said she wasn’t but everytime the kids stayed there they said she was there.

    Late October she admitted that they had been sexual and that just tore a hole in my heart. I want to save my marriage more than anything in the world. I need some help and some advice. If she files for divorce can I stop it because of infidelity? I really don’t want to get divorced I want to work on it so bad.

  7. Deborah from Canada says:

    I have just stumbled upon this website and it has given me a sense of hope. My husband informed me yesterday that he wants out, that it has been 6 years and nothing has gotten better, and so won’t even consider talking to me. He’s done. And I know God is there for me, but I am feeling so much pain right now I don’t know where to start. I will definitely start reading book right now but does anyone have suggestions for first steps when I can’t even get my husband to come home?

  8. Andria from United States says:

    I have been married for 9 1/2 years and my husband has been talking to a girl and had a kiss with her. Now he’s wanting to divorce or separate because he keeps saying he needs to be single. We have had our problems through the years and he is ready to give up on marriage.
    We have three kids and he keeps saying he wants us to become friends and he will pay for everything — house, food, phones- everything. He wants to be in our kids life and mine. He wants to live with us part time and at a friends house the rest. I have been fighting for us but I have some not godly things and now I see them and I feel really bad for it. I dont know if I start trying to be friends and or should I say no or what to do? I’m so lost and I need help. I love him and forgave him; I just don’t know how to handle all this. I pray all day and I try to be strong but keep feeling weak when he tells me he will be single. Please help.

  9. Natasha from United States says:

    I was asking God to show me what to do when I stumbled on this page. I now feel a sense of encouragement and hope. I kicked my husband out last week, which I now regret doing and now he doesn’t want to come home and wants out of this marriage. I have no idea what to do and it’s driving me crazy not being able to be with him. We have 2 little boys and a baby girl on the way and I can’t do it alone. I believe God showed me this page for a reason. I will fight for my marriage, no matter what I have to do.

    • Ivey from United States says:

      I too feel that same way; God brought us to this page for a reason… it definitely restored my hope and ambition to continue to fight. I encourage you to pray for what you want God to do in your life, your marriage and be sincere. Ask him to forgive you, to give your husband a forgiving heart as well. Trust me, with God anything is possible!! He will work it out.

      I’ve been married 2 and a half years but with him for 12 years total. I never imagined life like this but God has a way of humbling us and turning things around as well. I know it hurts and you don’t know what to do, I say pray pray pray!! Let go & let God… be a praying wife for you & your husband, he can’t resist what God has in store!! Be blessed!!

      • Natasha from United States says:

        Thank you! And yes, I just feel like it’s getting harder as another day passes. He shows no sign of caring or anything. He’s been going out partying and being so ugly with me saying he wants nothing to do with me. It makes me think if he’s talking to another woman already and the thought of that is just killing me.

        • Ivey from United States says:

          You’re more than welcome… I can relate to that, as well and definitely the thought of another woman. It makes you sick to even think about it but it’s very well possible. As humans, we think feeling a void makes things better but it really doesn’t… he may be out in the world thinking he’s “happy & free” now but we all know 9 times out of 10, the grass is not greener on the other side. He will be back, I’m sorry I can’t say when, but give it to God. He will make a way. I know the pain and confusion you’re feeling. I do know how some days I make it but if he will do it for me, he will do it for you.

          Happy New Years!!! It’s a new year, a new beginning… give it time!

          • Mrs T from Philippines says:

            Hi, a colleague from a website posted this link and I’m not used to clicking into links such this. But this one got my attention and this is what I read.

            I’ve been going through the exact situation as Natasha. But mine has been with another woman. And yes, as the days pass by, the feeling of loneliness and pain is getting worse. He also doesn’t want to do anything with me and obviously showing me that he doesnt care anymore. Yes it hurts, and it kills me.

            I agree with Ivey, avoiding things won’t make it better. My husabnd is no longer talking to me, though we’re living under the same roof. I don’t know why and how to handle it. But I just keep on zipping my lips and praying, asking God that if it is His will, then give us the opportunity to talk again so I can show him that I still care and love him.

            I know God can turn around any situation and He can make use bad things for good. “..And we know that God work things out for good for those who love Him and called according to His purpose”… Romans 8:28. Lets keep praying, encouraging others and standing in the gap. God bless us all

  10. Ivey from United States says:

    I’m a young wife who left my husband a year ago. I let the devil play with my family and I did something I said I would never do, leave my husband or divide my family. We have two young children who are still confused and trying to figure out where is daddy. I am the standing wife right now, standing for my marriage, standing for my husband, standing for my family and standing for myself. On the other hand, I have a husband who is letting the devil have a whirlwind of fun with him, he’s dating other women, against what God created marriage to be and he filed for divorce but that’s about it, nothing else has come from it, just filied.

    After reading this article, it brought a ray of sunlight to my cloudy, confused mind! During my separation, I have read my bible a lot & googled scriptures for marriage so I’ve learned a lot and I KNOW now that I should have NEVER separated from my husband. I have asked God to forgive me for leaving and forgive me for things I done in my marriage or to my husband that were not right. Now if only my husband could forgive me as well.

    I have felt a lot of pain, hurt, disappointment, rejection and sadness through this time but I know that God does not intend for marriage to be this way and I constantly remind myself that he has the final word, he has promised that he will make a way and that he will answer my prayers… I’m standing steadfast to those promises and I believe and know that this article was confirmation that God has reconciled my marriage and will restore our love and family but when he is ready. Patience is the key right now. I love my husband and I want to live out my vows with him… I shared this article with two other married couples and I believe it to be helpful in keeping your marriage and commitment to your mate & God.

    Thank you for this article and I ask that you will keep my marriage and family lifted in prayer for restoring, healing and trusting in God in all that we do. To the others on this post going through, continue to hold on, be strong, trust the Lord and see him change it around for you! Be blessed!

    • Missy from United States says:

      Hi Ivey, Don’t be too hard on yourself; I am sure you left for good reason. Like you, I keep praying, asking God to soften my husband’s heart and save my marriage. It is so gut wrenching. I said a prayer for you and your marriage. Try to be strong.

      • Ivey from United States says:

        Thank you very much Missy, myself, my family and my husband appreciate your prayers…I know that they will be heard!

        Yes, that’s what I keep hearing that I’m being “too hard” on myself… and yes, maybe at times but just KNOW for myself that God is against separation. It wasn’t that bad to leave. I was dealing with more outside interference and negative influences. Now I see that was the devil using those close to me to try & destroy my home and marriage. I just wish I would have listened to my husband, begging me to go to counseling, attend church together, pray together, but I was so caught up in ME! I have since learned that a marriage cannot grow or be success with selfishness.

        I pray that God heals your pain and makes your husbands heart’s very gut wrenching, some says better than others but it feels like it takes the life out of me sometimes. Continue to pray, I will pray for you all as well and things WILL turn around!!

  11. Missy from United States says:

    I moved out of our home 2 months ago because my husband of 24 years has been miserably unhappy for the last 2 years. He has been emotionally and verbally abusive but he can also be a good man. He’s a wonderful father. I never wanted to divorce, I started counseling for myself right away and asked him to do the same. He has said he doesn’t have time right now.

    He is so angry with me for leaving that he won’t speak to me. I have told him many times I still love him and we both need counseling. I am so sad and so lonely that I have fallen to my knees literally asking God to give me the strength to get through this and to save my marriage. I dont think I can do anymore. I post this to just ask everyone who reads this to please just pray for my marriage, please.

  12. Laura from United States says:

    My husband and I have had many struggles in our marriage. On this day last year, he left to join the Navy. In August, we moved to our first duty station, 3000 miles away from our home. We had many difficulties including that he had started drinking alcohol when he was in training. I also contributed by not getting a job quickly when I got there. We had many arguments and ultimately decided to try marriage counseling. Unfortunately, we didn’t actually go to counseling.

    In November, I’d heard from his step sister that he had told his Dad that we had gone to counselling and that I hadn’t been cooperative. I was so angry that he would tell this lie about us that I told him that we should get a divorce. He said that he didn’t tell the story about the non existent counselling appointment. He also told me that he had been thinking about us getting a divorce as well. We decided to separate and I bought a ticket to fly home.

    After I’d bought the ticket, I changed my mind about the divorce. I realized that I loved him and that our problems could be worked out. Over the next few days, I tried to convince him, as well. He told me that I should stay. I had already bought the ticket though so ultimately we decided that we would just be separated while we worked out financial issues and got individual counselling.

    After I got back home, I realized that I should have stayed. I decided to go back to my husband as soon as possible. So I bought a ticket to go back. Then I told my husband my plan and he was quite angry. After that, he decided that this might not be just a separation. He told me he needed time to think about it.

    Then one day he quit talking to me. He wouldn’t answer or return my calls, and he wouldn’t text me back. So I sent him a text that I shouldn’t have. I said, “If you’ve made your decision, that’s fine but you need to tell me so that I can move on”. Then he told me that he had made his decision and that he, “just wants out of this marriage”. Out of anger and hurt, I told him to file the divorce papers as soon as possible. After my emotions settled, I realized what I had done. I tried to let him know that I really love him and that I wanted our marriage to work out but he still wouldn’t talk to me.

    I decided to go back him to see if I could change his mind in person. That day, I found out that he hadn’t been talking to his father. I talked to his mom and she told me the same thing, that he hadn’t been talking to her either. I told her of my plans to go see my husband and she said that she would talk to him. I got a text from my husband later that evening warning me not to go see him and that he had finished filling out and sending in the divorce paperwork.

    I very persistently tried to get him to talk to me but he would not. I told his mom that he had filed for divorce and that he wouldn’t talk to me. I asked her if he had told her what happened. She told me that I would need to give him some time and that we would have to work things out ourselves. She also told me that she was praying for us. I’ve been praying so hard that my husband will change his mind. I’ve made many changes in my life to try to be a better wife for him. I’ve made a lot of progress.

    I came upon this article last night and finally everything clicked in my mind. The Lord doesn’t want this divorce for us even more than me. I don’t know how but I know that the Lord will help us get through this. It’s so difficult because my husband won’t talk to me at all. I’m hoping the Lord will soften his heart and help him remember the vows we made. I love him so much. Please send prayers, they are much appreciated. God bless. -Laura

  13. Destiny from Canada says:

    My husband of 16 years left 2 months ago. He says he hadn’t been happy for years and the marriage is over. He has been on dating/porn sites for almost a year, which I didn’t know about. He said he never cheated but he was lonely. This occurred after he had been on a business trip for 10 weeks, he came home and left less than 2 months after getting back home. He said he was praying for us while he was away on business but now doesn’t pray for us, he still prays for me (so he says).

    He said I didn’t honour him as a husband and that nothing he did was ever good enough for me. I was depressed because we’ve been unable to have kids and adoption has not happened even though we’ve been approved for 6 years. He’s trying to move to a different country so odds of working things out are slim.

    He has barely seen or talked to me since he left and now is not even discussing bank information with me. I was not following Bible principles but do love him and want a second chance. He says he has made his peace with God and that this divorce is what God wants. Please pray for us. Thank you

    • Ivey from United States says:

      Destiny, my heart & prayers go out to you & your husband… pray your husband back home; there is NOTHING too impossible, too big or too much for God, give it to him & truly submit to him and his way and watch how he turns things around. However, patience is key because it is his timing that we’re working on. “‘Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.'” Jeremiah 33:3″

      On the other hand, tell your husband to stop with those untruths; this what God says about divorce: For I hate divorce!” says the LORD, the God of Israel. And this is what he says for your marriage: Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. The man said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man.” For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. Genesis 2:22-24

      May God bless you and don’t forget to share your testimony because it’s coming!!

  14. Jason from United States says:

    The last few years for my wife and I have been rocky. We have had personal issues and financial issues a lot. We’ve also had many good times together and with friends. The finances got so bad we were recently evicted, so she decided to move 300 miles away back home. I’m back in college and couldn’t leave. At first she said she was confused and needed time. She promised she would be back soon, I just needed to get back on my feet.

    As soon as she got there she told me she wasn’t coming back. She said she didn’t love me like I deserve anymore. I know that’s just her way of trying to justify her decision. I’m at a bad loss for her and the kids. I know that marriage is a sacred commitment and am trying to let the LORD handle the situation. It’s hard for me to not worry and fret. I want my family back so badly. I ask for prayers for us in this situation. I ask that the LORD will please touch her heart and remind her of the love we share. Please pray for us in our struggles.

    • Ivey from United States says:

      Jason, stay strong…speak life & the word of God into your marriage. Your wife can’t resist the Holy Spirit when it begins to move in her. Don’t get distracted by the way of the world, stay focused & steadfast on God’s purpose and will for you & your marriage. Things will workout! Be blessed!

      • Scot from Romania says:

        I needed to read this kind of article to feel more confident that I can restore my marriage. My wife rejects me now, but she has not moved out from our home. We have two beautifull kids, and I love them so much. I love my wife but because I didn’t show her affection, in time, her heart has hardened. Now I feel it’s too late. Only God can help me, help us.

        I’m trying my best to be kind, and change myself… I used on her, over the time, the silent treatment. I was too critical, and I’m ashamed… I know I made mistakes in all 12 years of marriage, but I know I loved her, and I love her now…

        God please help. I want to be patient, to be good, to honor my wife and kids… (please excuse my English, I’m a Romanian man who’s trying to get help from this kind of article). I’m so sad… I need a prayer, and a hug to release the pain I feel.

        • Cindy Wright from United States says:

          Thank you Scot for sharing this. I want to tell you that I am Romanian too (my mom was full-blooded Romanian), so I understand a lot about your culture. I’m so sorry to read about your wife rejecting you. Yes, I can understand that she had needs and for so many years they weren’t met. That can harden most anyone’s heart.

          But don’t give up. Miracles still happen. Lets face it, it’s a miracle that you finally had that “AHA” moment where you realize that you have needed to put more into your marriage than you had previously. How I hope and pray that you will have the ability to have a “do-over” with your wife, where she will give you another chance to show her what a good husband you can be. I wrote about this in a blog titled, Wishing for Another Chance (which you can read about in the provided link). I encourage you to read it.

          All I can advise for you is to do what you know you should do, as far as showing affection –showing her that you intend to do this for the rest of your lives (if given the chance). Your actions are very important that you show that this is a life-changing time for you, not just a short burst of conviction –that you want to LIVE this way as you become a student of marriage. Please keep reading through this web site as to how to become a better marriage partner, and apply that, which you feel would work for your marriage. You may not have known how to do this before, but you can learn how to do this now. We’re all students here.

          I hope for you Scot, and pray for you that you grow to be a wonderful man of God –a husband who loves his wife as Christ loves the church and gave His live for her. Christ Jesus is your example of love in action, concerning how to treat His bride. May God give you favor and help in this important mission.

  15. Angelique from South Africa says:

    My husband and I have been together for 16 years, married 2 years; we have 2 kids, aged 15 and 7. In 2012 he found out that I was talking to someone via sms, and I kissed him. He was devastated. We got married in Dec. 2012. I truly regret what I did. After our marriage I told him that when I left him in 2001 I saw someone, and that I spoke to 2 other guys. He was so mad at me. I don’t blame him. He also confessed that he saw someone in 2008, just after our son was born, and he slept with another woman in 2010, after we had an abortion, which I find very difficult to cope with these days.

    I have given my heart to God in 2012, and I don’t regret it one day. I do however regret every bad thing I ever did. I did NOT have a sexual relationship with any person since me and my husband started dating. The problem is he doesn’t want to be with me anymore, and it’s killing me. This has been the most terrifying, worst 2 years of our lives. He will sometimes tell me he loves me, and 2 days later he would tell me, he doesn’t love me, and isn’t in love with me. And when I ask him, why did he say 2 days ago that he loves me, he would say, “it’s complicated.” He is also just a person. We’ve been together for 2 years; he feels sorry for me.

    I love him so much, and I’ve been fighting so hard for him to see how much I love him. He swears at God sometimes, and sometimes he will say that God is showing me that we shouldn’t be together. I’m not listening. Can anyone please give me some peace of mind, advice or hope? Thank you.

    • Ivey from United States says:

      Angelique, the best advice you can get to help you through this is to seek God… search the Bible for God’s perfect peace and will for your life and marriage. Also, find a true Christian that will help to encourage you and teach you the promises of God and how to find it for yourself in the Bible. Believe me, your marriage can be saved and restored… have faith, trust and believe him to make a way for you. All your prayers will be answered and you will send signs of your husband coming around. His word says “He replied, ‘Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”

      Be patient, in his perfect timing… God wants your marriage to be restored. Pray that he not only restores your marriage but also moves in your husband. Don’t give up no matter what, even if it looks like it can’t get any worse… or if the world says let go!! Remember God has a purpose and plan for you and it is not for your marriage to end. If it says anywhere that he is for divorce or separation, be my guest but I guarantee you will rejoice in doing right than wrong… suffer doing the right thing if you may than doing wrong!! May God bless you and your marriage. Your testimony is coming.

      • Angelique from South Africa says:

        Thank you so much Ivey, that is exactly the kind of words I needed to hear, because the only thing people say is, leave him, you deserve better, there is someone better for you and so on. But that is not what I want to hear, I want to hear what you said. I will keep on fighting for my husband, I will not give up, I love him too much. I still have a lot of faults, and sometimes I try too hard to be perfect. I don’t want things to be like it was between me and my husband, because GOD wasn’t involved, I want it to be the way GOD wants it to be. He constantly tells me that I am only thinking of myself, because I am destroying his and my children’s lives. Because he is a very aggressive person, is that the lies of the devil?

        • Ivey from United States says:

          Your more than welcome…if I didn’t have advice like that which sent me to the Bible in search of what God’s advice is, I wouldn’t be able to tell you and I too would be still asking for “what to do” or confused. And although I can’t say when your husnand will have a change of heart, I can tell you that I know if you believe and know with your heart that God can do all things and whatever we ask for in his name, he will give unto us, your husband’s heart will be softened and his love that he had for you in the beginning will turn back to you. There’s nothing that can make me believe any differently because it’s in his word. And you know what, Numbers 23:19 “God is not a man, that he should lie”…your in good hands!! ;)

          I am thankful for my “experience” as it allowed me to get back to God, understand my role as a Christian wife and he’s also using me to speak with others! I love it! My husband and I are still physically separated but my God, we are more spiritually connected that we’ve ever been! I will pray for you, your husnand & your marriage & family! When you get a chance, Google “divorce in the bible”, “marriage in the bible”, God’s will for marriages…you will be so relieved once you read it and you will soon feel a burden released. Trust this…a saved (sanctified) wife can save her husband…pray for him just as you pray for yourself or pray for your marriage.

          I wish you the best and soon you both will be able to look back & say BUT God…and laugh about what the devil THOUGHT he was going to steal and destroy.

    • Cindy Wright from United States says:

      Dear Angelique, How I wish I could say that your husband will definitely turn his heart and mind around and embrace your love and married life together, but I just don’t know. God gives each of us, including your husband, you and me, a free will. So we can’t completely predict how things will go. But I DO know that as long as we have breath and as long as we live for the Lord, following His ways, God will redeem even the most awful things that happen. It COULD be that as your husband sees your faithfulness and prayerful (not prideful) behavior, and changes his mind and behavior, but I don’t know.

      How I wish I could give you a promise of a loving outcome with your husband, but I can’t. You BOTH have sinned, and you both are suffering for them. But again, God can redeem even the worst of circumstances when we give our lives to His care. I celebrate with you that you gave your heart to God. We are now sisters. I pray for you that you don’t look back or retreat from continually going forward with God, no matter what happens with your husband. He obviously needs a lot of prayer. HE is the one who is complicating his life. It doesn’t have to be this “complicated.”

      I pray for you Angelique, I pray the Lord helps you, guides you, comforts you, speaks to you, and works in and through you in this situation with your husband and your marriage. I also pray God infuses hope into your heart that you will eventually experience better days –ones that will bring a smile to your heart. “And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ –to the glory and praise of God.” (Philippians 1:9-11)

      Remember always (no matter what things look like, because the enemy of our faith will try to trick you) that “the LORD is near to all who call on Him, to all who call on Him in truth.” (Psalm 145:18) Follow His ways, in Truth, and you will always have hope.

      • Angelique from South Africa says:

        Good day Cindy, Thank you so much for the beautifull message of encouragement. But I feel so bad, because tonight we had a fight again. I said ugly things, and I feel terrible. And my husband also told me that he thinks for a fact that I have not been saved, and that he doesn’t ever want a Christian in his life again because of how I am. I am so sorry.

        Tonight I have chosen to end it, it was the last time that he hit me, and the last time that my son cried, and for the first time my son asked me to leave his dad. Did I make the wrong decision? Am I a bad person, for getting upset, saying hurtful things, saying everything I feel? I still love my husband so much, and I can’t handle the words, “I don’t love you anymore, I want you to leave” it hurts so much. I know I have a lot of sin, I admit it, and I know that I have a problem of talking too quickly. I do pray constantly about it, but I do struggle with it. I talk before I think.

        • Cindy Wright from United States says:

          Angelique, I’m not sure of what to say. There is NEVER any reason for him to hit you, no matter how frustrated he is with you. That HAS to stop, and you need to protect yourself when you feel that type of threat.

          But you need to know that it’s important that you stop talking so fast to the point that your husband is overloaded with words and just needs some space because it’s too much to take it all in. Women are often good at that (and some men). We flood our men (or men flood their slower thinking wives) with so many words (because of OUR frustration, not taking into consideration that we’re not “playing fair” when we give them more words at lightening speed that they can process). It’s better to slow things down and limit our words.

          Your anger also does not give you the right to say anything that pops into your head. A marriage license is not a license to be verbally abusive –giving yourself the permission to just say anything that comes into your mind to say. The same thing is true with your husband. He needs to put a stop button upon his hurting you as he is. It’s absolutely wrong, no matter how frustrated he is.

          This is ESPECIALLY true since you have a son witnessing his parents –two people he loves the most, hurting each other verbally and physically. That is not good AT ALL. You need to learn how to do this better. We have several articles posted in the “Communication and Conflict” topic that talks about how to better deal with anger. Please prayerfully read through them. You need to put some stop-gap measures in to saying “ugly things” and doing what you know you shouldn’t.

          Some people would say that you need to get a divorce or so when this kind of thing happens. But doing that will only put a temporary Band-aide on this type of behavior because then your husband and you will eventually go into other relationships, and at some point push these anger buttons will be pushed in the same way, and you will again be dealing with it, just with different people. Plus, what are you teaching your son about how you honor your vows and promises, and about how you handle anger?

          Angelique, I don’t have all the answers, by any means. But please know that you both need to learn how to stop, and listen to each other, and honor each other in trying to resolve whatever it is that is frustrating you. You can’t do much about your husband’s issues (other than protect yourself –the “Abuse in Marriage” topic has some things in it to help you with that), but you can work on your own issues… for all your sakes, including your son’s. Hopefully, as you work on your issues, it will inspire him to work on his.

          I totally can understand why you couldn’t handle the words, “I don’t love you anymore, I want to leave you.” That has GOT to be absolutely horrible and hurtful to hear. But choosing to go the verbal abuse route won’t help to “fix” the situation, where you attack him verbally and all of a sudden he will wake up and say, “what was I thinking? Of COURSE I love you now… I just needed those ugly things said to me first.” That kind of logic is crazy.

          Please read through the anger articles I pointed you to, and ask God to show you what you can do to stop going off verbally. Ask God to show you what method can you use that when you start to feel the anger going in a destructive manner, you instead remove yourself from the room, or you count to 10 or whatever it will take, to stop yourself from going too far –whatever will work for YOU. The time to think this kind of thing through is BEFORE you “fight” not in the midst of it. Again, read the articles and see what you can glean from them that will help.

          I can’t tell you that your marriage will survive this, but I can tell you that if you keep doing what you have been doing, there isn’t a chance… and then you will eventually drag this type of behavior into another relationship. That would not be good for anyone. Please prayerfully consider what I’ve said here. I hope you will –that it will help in some way, and pray for you, for your son, and for your marriage.

          • Angelique from South Africa says:

            Good day Cindy. Thank you for the advice. It hurts, but it’s true. I just want to first of all say, he doesn’t hit me because I say hurtful things, he has been abusive towards me for 16 years. It has just gotten worse in this last 2 years. I did apologize to God last night, and to my son and daughter. The worst of all is, the moment I said it, I knew it was was wrong and I couldn’t stop it.

            If I may tell you. He kissed a woman at work 4-5 years ago. She past away last year of breast cancer. I did pray to God that all is well with her. I do forgive her, and I don’t say anything bad about her. Now what happened last night, his version of events always differs. I said but you told me she did kiss you and you kissed her back, and the day after that he told me, she almost kissed him, so he got upset and said “you are not going to talk about her, she is dead.” I got mad and said, so why don’t you act that way when we talk about our aborted baby? That is why I was upset.

            He sometimes comes home, and tells me he’s having an affair with someone. They decided that they will have sex only after I left, but he is lying. When we just got married, he phoned his ex fiancé, and he didn’t have her number, so he tracked her down. Why? He said that he thought if he phoned her, he would be able to forgive me, only to tell me a few months later that he did cheat on me and he did sleep with another women a few time.

            Please explain this to me. Please explain everything that is going on because I don’t know anymore. He will phone me, like yesterday morning, and say, I love you, and I must drive safely, and go home to sleep, because I have flu. Then he comes home last night, swears me, hits me, tells me that I am only looking for sympathy, I am not sick… Who are these two people? Do you understand what I am saying? I desperately need help. I love him, so much. I don’t want him to be like this, I don’t want him to suffer.

            God has saved him numerous times from suicide. He tried to gas himself in my car, and then he made me drive that car to the hospital, because he didn’t want to drive in the ambulance. He would sit in front of me and cut himself, and tell me that if I stop him that he would hurt me, and then in the same sentence ask me, how can you look at me while I cut myself? He tried to hang himself, he tried drinking an overdose of sleeping pills, a few times, and all I did was pray, and he threw up.

            He would call my son and just slap him. He would speak in a different language and say things like asera and so on. I’ve had 2 people and to help him get rid of demons, but I believe in my heart that there is still more left. I have anointed my home, I have put crosses everywhere in my house. I cannot tell you what stuff has happened in these last 2 years. I can’t; you will never believe me. Everybody says leave him, but I don’t want to. I am in the middle of my kids and my husband, and I don’t know what to do anymore, I don’t know. Please HELP ME!!

  16. Christina from United States says:

    My husband left me last week (took nothing or clothes) due to years of fighting; the last 2 months were too unbearable for him. I realize I’ve made mistakes and have anger issues. We are a blended family of 7 children and his ex has caused a lot of problems and made me insecure.

    I have surrendered my marriage and my life to the lord. He says he doesn’t want the marriage to work and to focus on getting better with anger and we will see what happens, but that right now, he doesn’t want this to work. He doesn’t call me at all. I broke and called him several times but he doesn’t answer. I don’t know if he has someone else or really staying with a friend. Today he sent a text to me if I have surrendered all to the lord and I said yes and no response back. I’m so confused. I don’t know what to do and I miss him terribly. ANY advice?

  17. Mary from United Kingdom says:

    I have been married for almost 10 years now. And yes, there have been trials and tribulations along the way but thanks God, for the help of SOLVING the problem… and thanks so much for the good advice given above too.

  18. Melissa from United States says:

    My husband left me three months ago and is now living with another girl. I just don’t know what to do. He seems happy, has a job, has a house while my kids and I have nothing. I can’t stop crying. I love my husband so much and he says he’s found someone who makes him happy and I should do the same. I don’t want to. We have two kids together and my five year old doesn’t understand that we can’t live with daddy anymore and it breaks my heart. When I said my vows I meant them and want my husband back. His heart is so cold sometimes and sometimes he’s nice. I don’t get it. I just don’t know what to do.

    • Angelique from South Africa says:

      Hi Melissa, I know exactly how you feel. Even though my husband still lives with me, it has been a battle that I’ve been fighting for 2 years, and I won’t stop. I make mistakes, I get upset, I get mad, and I know that it’s not the way God wants me to be, and I’m trying. But pray Melissa, just pray. I will also pray for you. Don’t give up on your marriage; God will show you a way.

  19. Lewas from United States says:

    I’ll been married to my wife for 15 years in 10/26/14. I got saved and gave my life to Jesus 2 days later. I got served with a restraining order and divorce papers. I had my 3 year old and my 15 at that time because my wife left early so she wouldn’t be there when I received them. So I had my children for the first court date 11/10/14 regarding restraining order. My wife said awful things about me, even had her sister make comments. The judge, by God’s grace, dropped the restraining order and gave me 70% custody of my children. I had to stop working full time and now I work from home to watch my 3 year old since I have them all week, which I’m forever grateful.

    I’m not perfect; I have said belittling stuff to my wife before and after the divorce paper work. I also was very esoteric to the point that I applied for work as a tarot card reader. My wife was more Christian; she tried to read more Bible and stuff and I ignored her. Now I go 3+ days to Calvary chapel per week and my only petition is for God to hear my cries to bring back my wife Elizabeth so we can all attend church and walk in the right path along Jesus Christ our savior. I know we can make this marriage work. We have another court date 02/10/14 to start the divorce proceedings. Please help me pray so our Lord touches Elizabeth’s spirit and drops this whole divorce at once. Bless all who reads this.

    • Lewas from United States says:

      It’s 02/11/2015 not the 10th, when our first divorce date court hearing is scheduled. I’m praying for my wife Elizabeth to cancel and reconcile with Jesus and me.

      • Lewas from United States says:

        So the judge pushed our first court date till 05/18/15 but I hope God Wills us to save our marriage and cancel this out in the name of Jesus Christ Amen!

  20. Deborah from United States says:

    I’m to a point in my life where it seems like nothing I’m doing is working. My husband of 3 1/2 years has cheated on me since we met over 6 years. We have two kids together, 5 total. He even has another child that he conceived right before we had our first child. He used to be a deacon at our church.

    For the past year he has stopped going to church. Yet he still reads his Bible and gives honor to God. But in the midst of it all, he’s still unfaithful to me and this marriage. There are so many women that he deals with on a day to day basis. I’m so emotionally tired. I try talking to him to understand why he doing this to me, to us. He says he is sorry but it’s hard for him to stop. We went to counseling with our pastor for a while and he was doing great and then before I knew it he was back to his old habits.

    He said he would never leave us because we are his life. I can’t stop crying because I know God as well, and yet I’m so angry and bitter. He acts like the things that he has done to me is ok. Lately, he has been getting a ride home from a female co-worker. They sit in front of my house supposedly talking about the Bible, which I don’t understand. He has no contact with me all day. He gets an hour and 30 min. break. But he has time to communicate with everyone from his past.

    From the day we got married until now I feel like he is not truly sorry for the things that he has done. I forgive him but it’s hard to forget when things go fine for a month and then he’s back were he started. This man has hit me before with my baby in my hand, he has taken the bill money and spent it elsewhere, our anniversary he spent out with another woman, he has almost broke my arm one night when I tried to get close to him sexually.

    I’m just so hurt right now. There are so many things that’s going on to where I don’t know how I can live thru this. With everything thats going on, I’m truly at a loss and hurt and confused about what I need to do. I’m a dramatic type of person and I get to upset when I see that he’d rather spend time with everyone else and not me. I’m all for him being gone and I know he doing positive and godly things but when you want to hang out with the so called guys (with other women) it bothers me. He gets upset with me because I don’t trust him.

    Someone please help. I pray all the time for this marriage. Everyone is telling me to leave and that he is never going to change, and that we need to leave before I’ve wasted my life on someone that is not ready to be married. I’m 41 and he is 30. I feel so low today. Pray for us.

  21. Myrene from Philippines says:

    Hi! Thank you for the wonderful article you created on how to save your marriage alone. It gave me something to hold on, that somehow I can still save my marriage. I hope you can give me more advice about what to do with my marriage. I am 29 years old and been married for 6 years. My husband and I only lived together as couple for about 1 and half years since he has to work abroad.

    I’m the reason why my marriage torn apart. I had an affair and really regret it, for I not only sinned against my husband but most especially with God. If only I could turn back the time I would not enter that situation. But I guess you only realize the value of what you have when it’s gone.

    My husband discovered the affair that I had a couple of months ago. But when he discovered it I no longer was in that affair anymore. My husband decided not to save our marriage and wants to file for an annulment, for divorce is not allowed in our country. We are not living together anymore for he decided to live with his parents, together with my children.

    It’s hard to communicate with him for he always refuses, even when I’m trying to tell the truth about the affair. He told me that he already forgave me but a lot of times he reminds me of the sin that I did. I asked him for another chance and ask to try to attend marriage counseling but he refused as well. I want to save our marriage, not only because of our children, but because I want him back and I love him. I hope you can give me an advice on how I can start saving my marriage and how to build the trust again. Thank you!

    • Lewas from United States says:

      Give your husband time and really pray to Jesus to see if it’s his will to save your relationship. I pray to Jesus first thing in the morning on my needs with my head to the floor and I do this again at night. Even though I’m not worthy of anything I still ask for forgiveness for everything, even my thinking and for anything wrong I speak through my mouth. And then I ask him for assistance in every aspect of my life. Hope this helps you.

  22. Marie from United States says:

    I would do anything to save my marriage. Two weeks ago I had a yellow sheet that was to be signed for at the post office. I went down and signed for it. It was divorce papers being served to me. I was devastated. Now that my husband has already started this process, is it too late to do what I can go save my marriage? I have to respond, otherwise he gets everything in his write-up.

    • Lewas from United States says:

      Now it’s get a little harder but not impossible. For if it’s Gods Will to save the marriage it will be done. At this point you still have to follow Ceasar’s Law (the law of the land) and protect your self and respond this ok. In the same time pray that God delays everything. Have patience and love like Jesus did unconditionally. You be angry one minute and sad the next.

      I stopped watching tv and listening to regular music. I bought some uplifting Christian Music and I find myself going to church 3xs a week. It helps stay focused in the spirit the word of God.

      My wife has started to come more often but I have to hold back and not push (really hard) and let Jesus work out his will on his time. I also go for hikes and exercise. I just try to keep my mind on healthy Godly things.

      Please don’t take this wrong way but please no drinking alcohol. I felt the urge to put this here. Continue to have faith in Jesus the true God. The pastor that I listened to had major maritial problems and he was able to save his marriage of 40+ years. You can listen to his service he doesn’t sugar coat the Bible he is direct on his message. You can go through different archives.

      I’m still a rookie Christian but I’m doing the best to walk on the right path. I told Jesus that I don’t know what your Will is for me, but regardless I will forever serve you. Bless you and May God touch both of your hearts in Jesus name, Amen.

  23. Rebecca from Kenya says:

    Am struggling with external pressure to separate with my husband but deep down I didn’t want that to happen though things have been very bad between us. I’ve been trying to let go and let God but it has been so difficult to do that I find myself trying to manipulate the situation to suit me so that I can have enough evidence to produce once he comes back. But after reading this information it has made me have a change of heart by making me realize that it’s not about me it’s about being obedient to God. I pray for God’s grace to finally have unconditional love towards my husband. Standing strong for restoration from today.

    • Lewas from United States says:

      Awesome!!! I’m so happy for you!!! You brought joy to my heart and even more hope to others that God is working. He is alive. You will see the peace you will find in your heart to deal with your husband. Even your husband will change his ways. With God’s will anything is possible anything!

  24. Donna from United States says:

    Me and my husband have been going thru an emotional time for about 3 years… My father passed away and I pushed myself away from everyone, my husband, my family, my children. In doing so I find that I found comfort in talking to another man. I got emotionally attached to this man, nothing physical for about 1 year. About 6 months ago I started going to church and prayed for God to take that desire out of me, and he did. The problem is, now my husband is adding ted to talking to other women on the internet… and he isn’t sure what he wants. He brings up the things I did to explain why he’s doing the things he’s doing. Please give me some advice.

    • Lewas from United States says:

      Hi continue to go to church ask God to place conviction upon your husbands heart. And ask God to help you achive Agape Love towards your husband and remember the hardest part of this is having patience. Because at the end it’s God Will we are waiting for to take place. God/Jesus is good

  25. Colleen from United States says:

    Heartbroken. I fear my marriage is over. God has forsaken us. Or me…

  26. Khaya from South Africa says:

    I was cheating and lying to my wife. I did confess and ask for forgiveness for the things I did that hurt her. She is ignoring me and doesn’t want to have sex. She ignores my SMS, text or calls. What can I do because I still love her badly and I regret all what I have done?

    • Lewas from United States says:

      First, ask God (Jesus) for true forgiveness. If you haven’t accepted Jesus as your true savior this should be the first step. Get your life good with God first. Pray that God’s will is to restore your marriage. Have patience with your wife and really having sex with her should be the last thing on your mind.

      Remember, being in the flesh is what got you to hurt your wife and disrespect the covenant of your marriage. You want your wife to forgive you and allow you to show her you’re a new man, that you’ll never go back to your adulterous behavior.

      My friend, lots of prayer and full faith in The Lord. Like I learned from my pastor, when you wake up, the first thing is to get on your knees and talk to God for direction in life. At night before you fall asleep, on your knees again, thank God and ask him for direction. Glory be to our God, without him we are dust. People tend to forget about that and act like they’re their own God and forget that at the end, everything from the beginning of times has and will forever be God’s will. Amen brother, may God answer your prayers.

  27. Tyler from United States says:

    My wife and I have been together for seven years, married for 2 of that. We don’t have children. I’ve been confrontational, and not listening to her. We both are the type to need something first before something gives.

    This past weekend of March, we got into a heated debate, and I said some things I regret… she left me. Jealousy and fear turned to anger in me. I want to prove to her that I love her, and that she means everything to me. She says love isnt the issue, that we both had and have issues with one another that weren’t getting sorted out. She tells her parents and supposedly her co-workers she wants to try and work it out, and tells me the same.

    But am I wrong in thinking that if she’s willng to go ahead and work on it, that as we do, it should be mutual? That we should prove to one another that we will?
    I’ve had concerns since we got married about her so called guy friends, and her issues is I never stopped thinking bad of her, and never saw her or heard her.

    She wants time and space, but seems overly defensive when it comes to showing me she means it and isn’t just saying things to make me feel better right now. We’ve talked more in the past 4 days, and actually talked, no fighting, than we have in 4 months.

    If give her space, it’s like she says, love isn’t the issue and she wants to “TRY” and work it out. What’s the opinion on time?

    • Cindy Wright from United States says:

      How long did you vow at your wedding to love and be her marriage partner through the good times and the bad? That should tell you how long you should still work with her, if she is willing.

      • Tyler from United States says:

        We vowed forever and always… she’s just not giving me anything to go on. I need to show her I can trust her and not check up on her. But she’s not doing her part. I’m at home miserable, and she’s talking about going to a football game, and a concert. We got a ticket for 6 months ago. She wants me to let her stay at a hotel that night of the concert. She refuses to come home, to prove she wants to make us work.

        She’s almost like she’s just agreeing. She says it’s not all on me. But I have to give first. We agree’d that isn’t right and it has to be together. Tonight when I asked her about that all she said was …”I agreed to counceling, isn’t that enought to show I want to make it work?”

  28. Kara from Philippines says:

    I’m glad I read this. I now have a guide that I can go back to from time to time during this difficult time in my marriage. The comments are very helpful and encouraging. I’ll pray for all of us. Thank you, Marriage Missions.

  29. Josh from United States says:

    Hi, I found this article very helpful now that I’m struggling in my marriage of 14 years. I have two daughters that I really love so much and I couldn’t imagine being without them.

    Most of the problems that we have right now are because of my lack of care with my wife. I’m very disappointed and sad about that. I am working very hard right now, but believe me, it’s so difficult because she is always telling me that I should have done that before, not now. I hope things can change for the better. Regards.

    • Lewas from United States says:

      Get a good Christian church for both of you. You see the supernatural wonders God will perform in your marriage. Love her like God loves his church and eventually your wife will do her part. But be patient and continue to see Jesus but really seek him and read the Bible. God bless and may you truly have the opportunity to be the head of your household and to bring your whole family to salvation. Love you brother, we all face these struggles when we stray away from God.

    • Tyler from United States says:

      That is the exact same thing my wife tells me. It shouldn’t have taken her leaving me to wake me up and see…as of now she says she wants to work on it. She has some very self destructive behaviours right now, and I believe she is having an affair. I found she has a second cell phone. She hasn’t filed for divorce, and keeps telling me we are working it out, and that she wants to. She says love isn’t the issue. I feel for you. It’s rough; very rough.

  30. Kelli from United States says:

    Just ran across the article and had the breath knocked out of me. I truly believe that tonight God led me to this. I am currently going through wondering how do I save this marriage alone and then WHAM! Have several questions…
    1. With the books listed, and with intamicy not even on the table at this moment, which book would I get more out of? As I read this article, I prayed and let God know, I have not given up. I am giving it all to him and asking him to be the captain of my destiny. I love that there is a hope even if only one of us is in this at the current moment.
    2. Is there a group that someone recommends, chat group, that supports this very subject. A group that will pray with you, give you support and even help balance you when all seems lost? I have not discussed any marital issues with friends, church or family. I would like to keep it this way. I do not want them judging, giving their thoufghts when they have never been there or asking questions I don’t feel they should be asking. Sometimes it truly is easier to talk a stranger than close circle!
    3. Are there any other resources anyone has found helpful during this difficult walk?
    Thank you to whomever reads this for takng he time to care for a stranger. I am desperate to save this marriage. To show my child what true commitment means and to show my husband what true caring and love can bring.
    May God be with everyone that is here, has been here and will find themselves here. With God in our corner, all things are possible!!!

  31. Paul from United States says:

    My wife and I married 11 years ago. We stayed married for 8 months and then divorced. 3 years later God (I feel) brought us back together. We’ve been remarried for 6 years in February. in January things started getting wierd in our marriage and started to fall apart. I tried to talk to her about it but the more I worried about it the more I pushed her away. I did some investigating and found out she was cheating on me with my best friend who is too going through a divorce. She tells me that there is nothing left in our relationship. I strongly think she is wrong and that God has a plan and he keeps telling me not to give up. We have two boys that need both of us. I’m not giving up. There is more to the story I’m not a saint by any means but am ready to devote myself to God to fix this situation and live a christian life. Prayers are needed for strength and guidance. I want my family back!

  32. Pam from United States says:

    I’m still struggling. My husband left me the end of August and now is living with his gf. She’s 18 years younger, has a 3 year old, and he says he doesn’t like kids. Our 23 year old son has taken his side and neither will speak with me at all now. I’m destroyed by this.

    • Lewas from United States says:

      You have to put it in the altar of Christ; he will work his will. But first ask for Christ to forgive you as you also forgive those who hurt you. Remember all in time, it will work out. Full faith…

  33. Jay from Canada says:

    My wife has requested a divorce due to my poor choices in the past. I am committed to not only turn my life around but to also fix my marriage. How do I continue the process to reconcile while she looks for every excuse to try to argue?

  34. Natalie from South Africa says:

    Hi, I really enjoyed your article and I totally agree that divorce is not an option, but my husband walked out of our relationship 6 weeks ago, without a word. He refused to go for counselling, though he is seeing a psychologist to figure out his own issues. I’ve started seeing a psychologist to help me through this dark time. We have a son (6 yrs old) together and we’re not able to send him for counseling as his Dad won’t commit to a decision of whether he is leaving or coming back.

    He has started a new life, and has cut contact with all our family and friends. When his father does get through to him, he says to leave him alone, that he is happy and for once he is doing what he wants to do. He has made all new friends at a gym and has started dating a woman there too. He’s falling behind on his work commitments and is in debt. We’re in a marriage contract where his debt is my debt, so the longer he leaves us in limbo we might lose everything.

    I asked him to have mercy on me, and that if he has no plans of working on the marriage, and if he doesn’t believe in marriage, that he files for divorce. He said that divorce is what he wants, but he has not made any steps to committing to that decision. I am beginning to think that I need to start the process, as I want my son to be able to know what’s going on so he can start therapy. I don’t want him to take me down financially. I also am getting to the point where I think he might be a narcissist, and will never be capable of loving the way I deserve, or being able to show remorse for the damage he is doing. Im so confused, and would really appreciate your advice. Kind regards, Natalie

  35. Mikki from United States says:

    Hello -my husband and I have been together for 7 years total, met on the first day of our freshman year in college. Married almost 2 years. About 4 months ago I made an awful decision and got involved with another man. I’ve always battled depression and anxiety and the attention made me feel wanted and important, not that my husband didn’t but we had gotten lazy in our relationship and I made a HUGE mistake.

    I, originally, was the one who left because I thought the man I was in the affair with was the one I wanted to be with but not long after I left I had major regret and knew I’d made the wrong decision. It was a lapse in control and I now am trying to reconcile with my husband who has filed for divorce. I’ve been refusing to sign the papers.

    I was very close with his entire family. They are a family of faith. He and I were both raised in Christian homes. I know that the connection and love we’ve always had is strong. I know he still loves me and he has every right to be angry. He begs me to sign the papers and I won’t. I want to do everything I can to try to make things work and he’s just very angry right now, which he has every right to be but I just need some help and guidance. I think I will go to my pastor and talk with him, get his advice, and have him help me to focus my energy on the Lord. The pastor is also his family pastor and the man who married my husband and I. Any advice, prayers, and support is appreciated.

Marriage Missions International