QUESTION: What do you do if you find someone attractive—other than your spouse? What if you find that you have a wandering eye?
ANSWER:
If you find someone attractive, your first line of defense is a proper mind-set, which is this: This attraction threatens everything I hold dear.
It may not appear threatening early in the attraction, when everything seems innocent. Remember, though, that attractions grow quickly and can destroy your marriage. Even if your marriage manages to survive, at the very least the lurking will weaken the foundation of your marriage and rob your wife of your full captivation.
Your second line of defense is to declare, I have no right to think these things. State this to yourself clearly, decisively, and often. You don’t even know this woman; who are you to be attracted to her? Didn’t your Master give you your wife?
The third line of defense is to heighten your alert.What do you normally do when you feel threatened? You take off your jacket and breathe deeply. You ready yourself for what’s coming.
Suppose you’re a bouncer at a dance club, checking I.D.s and tickets, joking with the customers. One night, five men in black leather loudly roar up on motorcycle, looking surly and arrogant. Would you relax and back away from the door? Not on your life. Without hesitation, you’d step up to the door and stand erect, ready to confront the threat.
Consider the old Star Trek television series. What did Captain Kirk do when danger approached? He cried out: Red alert! Shields up!
With your mind-set transformed, you won’t let her near the corral. The attraction will begin to starve, and she’ll drift back toward the horizon. How can you make sure this will happen?
BOUNCE YOUR EYES.
You saw her passing your corral, and you were physically attracted to her. Starve this attraction by bouncing your eyes (which means to “build a reflex action by training your eyes to immediately bounce away from the sexual, like the jerk of your hand away from the hot stove”). Don’t dwell on her beauty by stealing glances. Do this with zeal.
AVOID HER.
Sometimes this isn’t possible, but do it when you can. If she works with you, and the two of you are assigned to the same project, don’t ask her to eat lunch with you or offer her a ride home. Avoid opportunities that create positive experiences with her until the attraction phase dies. If she asks you to do something with her, excuse yourself.
WHEN YOU’RE IN HER COMPANY, PLAY THE DWEEB.
Our hero, Dweebman, steps into a nearby public rest room. He emerges as the polyester-clad enemy of all things flirtatious and hip. Dull, mild-mannered Dweebman—pocket protector shielding his heart and hair slightly askew—wages his quiet, thankless war of boring interchange. Our once-threatening Amazon withdraws to undefended sectors. This leaves Dweebman victorious again in his never-ending good fight to stave off the hip and the impure in his galactic empire!
Okay, there’s not that much glory in playing the dweeb. There’ll be no comic-book deals no endorsement deals, no 20/20 interviews with Barbara Walters, but you’ll be a hero to your wife and kids.
A dweeb is the opposite of a player. In relationships, players send and receive social signals smoothly. Dweebs do not. When a player wants to send attraction signals, there are certain things he’ll do. He’ll flirt, banter, and smile with a knowing look. He’ll talk about hip things. In short, he’ll be cool. You were a player at one time, and knew how to feed attractions. You spent your whole adolescence learning how.
Social Suicide
As a married man, however, a little social suicide is very much in order. Always play the dweeb. Players flirt… learn to un-flirt. Players banter… learn to un-banter. If a woman smiles with a knowing look, learn to smile with a slightly confused look, to un-smile. If she talks about things that are hip, talk about things are un-hip to her, like your wife and kids. She’ll find you pleasant enough but rather bland and uninteresting. Perfect.
Sometimes a woman’s attractiveness to you will be mental rather than physical. This is common in work environments as you work with women on projects that interest you both. In business it’s common to spend more hours per day with female coworkers than with your wife. You talk with them about common goals and achieving success, while all you and your wife talk about are the kids’ discipline problems, who’s going to change the dirty diapers, and bills, bills, bills.
As with physically attractive women, you must understand that if your shields aren’t up, and if you don’t recognize the threat to your marriage, you’re flirting with danger.
To summarize:
If you’re attracted to a woman, it doesn’t mean you may never again have any sort of relationship or friendship with her. It only means you must enact your defense perimeters. Once you’ve starved the attractions and she’s a safe distance away, you can have a proper relationship, one that is honoring to your wife and to the Lord.
This article can be found in the excellent book, Every Man’s Battle: Winning the War on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time (The Every Man Series).
You can also visit the web site that goes along with this book, Everymansbattle.com. They have some great articles on this web site that could minister to your needs in tremendous ways.
Filed under: Emotional & Physical Affair Sexual Issues
(USA) While yes, these methods of defusing the attraction will work. I am an artist so observing, and drawing beauty is part of what I do. So I’ve come to my own method of aversion. I can admire a woman’s beauty, but I must NEVER allow myself to desire her “booty”. I have many friends who are women, and they all know that I’m married, and have kids. If a woman starts coming onto me I just start talking about my kids, and my wife. Let me tell you it has served me very well these last 14 years of marriage. Once you mention a wife, and kids she’ll run for for the hills unless she is able to be just a friend in which case she’ll start talking about her boyfriend, or husband, and her kids if she has any, or if she’s single, and is able to be just a friend then she’ll ask questions about how long you’ve been married, and how old your kids are, and all. There’s nothing wrong with having women who are your friends just don’t allow it to go any further in thought, or action.
You just have to separate attraction, from desire. To be attracted to a woman’s beauty as such as she catches your eye is natural, but you must remember that if you allow it to go any, and I mean ANY further than that then your wife will skin you alive. Believe me, my wife was a tomboy who used to kick the butts of the guys in her neighborhood when she was younger, so for me this IS VERY much what would happen. Also since we’ve been together since we were 13 it would just be REALLY stupid to try to start over after all these 17 years. Seriously though if you love your wife then take one of these methods of avoiding the desirous end of attraction to heart, and NEVER let attraction become desire.
(USA) I agree to a point. I believe the overarching point of this article is to be proactive. It’s to not see how close you can get to the line without going over, but rather how far away from the line can you stay. The further the better.
Also, I wouldn’t count on telling folks about your wife and kids, to always work. There are always a few folks who simply take that as a challenge.
But I agree, I can talk to my wife about someone who is attractive and notice he or she is attractive without lusting (at least in the case of the woman, LOL). But should I leer and begin to imagine more than just appreciating her beauty, then I’ve crossed a line the Bible is clear to say I should not cross.
(USA) Tony, I gotta admit that could possibly be very true. I’ve yet to see that, but I’ve always been very focused on my wife so the temptresses have never had a chance. Unfortunately not everyone is able to stay so focused on the woman God made for them.
I suppose the other thing that keeps me so focused is that at 13 I wanted a girlfriend, but knew that God wouldn’t just send me a girlfriend so I asked God to send me the woman He meant for me to marry. 2 weeks later I met my wife the day after she moved to the neighborhood near me. So knowing that I know better than to go looking since God already gave me the greatest gift of a wife I could ever ask for.
I was just offering my method for avoiding that pitfall, since there are VERY few men who can honestly say that they’ve never strayed from their wife in the whole time they have been with them. What’s funny is that my parents wanted me to go out, and meet other girls, and not get tied down to my first girlfriend, but I’m a one woman man. Always have been, and always will be.
(USA) Hear goes, I have been married for 25 years. My husband is wonderful man but has admitted to falling and when I say falling I mean FALLING! He has physically and emotionally cheated on me throughout our marriage. When he turned fifty he finally decided to accept Christ as his personal saviour. I was thrilled, but along came the purging. When I say purging, I am talking about confessions of having been with several woman along with fantisizing while we were intimate as well as mb.
I have been fasting and praying this weekend for guidance and affimation. The only thing I could see and hear was to sever this marriage. I mean a clean slate! I wanted to ask your opinion. I know that this revelation are grounds for divorce and I am okay with this. We have 2 beautiful children and I understand the devastation that a divorce will cause. They are my main concern.
I want to ask for a divorce on the grounds of reconciliation with a clean slate and a new foundation of a Christ centered family. I want him to get help for this addiction he has. I did see this person changing (slightly) after he was baptized but I am afraid I don’t set boundaries as well as punish the crime, he won’t take me serious.
I know that I run a risk of him failing in his healing of addiction but I do know that with Christ WE can do anything. Please help with any positive suggestions… this is what presented itself today.
(USA) Beth, Your husband did one of the worst things a man can do to his wife. As I agree, divorce is probably what he deserves, my question is can you forgive him? Though this is from a 30 year old man’s point of view, it is the point of view of a 30 year old man whose own wife has cheated on him in the past. We weren’t married at the time, but the pain of betrayal was just as real, and agonizing. Though her infidelity I was able to forgive, and put aside as part of the fall out from the abuse she suffered as a child, I doubt the same can be said for your husband’s infidelity.
As I stated in a previous post I am an artist by hobby, and so I occasionally draw women. Though always dressed this is comic book style art we are talking about so clothes are basically drawn on the naked form as if painted on. To me to admire beauty is one thing, but to desire the booty of that beauty is another thing entirely. When he allowed his admiration to turn to lust, and then act upon it he thoroughly crossed the line.
Though what was done is done, and there is no way for him to take it back, or undo the last 25 years. So my ultimate question to you is can you find it in your heart to sit down with him with out the kids around, let him know just how you feel about what he did, and forgive him like I did with my wife?
My wife, and I were very young when she cheated on me with the two guys that she did. We were only 15, but we had been together, and intimate for about a year, and a half by this point. I was in Track, and Field to try to lose some weight for her, and get ready for football in the fall, while my parents had her watching my little brothers after school. Unfortunately as soon as I got home from practices, and meets they rushed her home, and she ended up hanging out with friends.
A couple of times the friends she ended up hanging out with were guy friends, whom she thought she could trust. Unfortunately that trust was misplaced. They forced themselves on her, and she felt trapped due to her abuse as a child. After the second time she told me about both times, and I told her that if it happened again we were through. I told her that I understood that it wasn’t entirely her choosing, but she let herself get into those situations, and I wasn’t willing to share her with the rest of the guys in the neighborhood. Especially knowing that she could eventually get pregnant (which she did about 5 months later with our oldest son), I wanted to know for sure that when that time came it would be with MY child. She agreed not to allow herself to get into situations where that might happen again, only hanging out with her girl friends. And after getting things straightened out with my parents about not sending her home right away we were able to set things about that right between us.
We decided that we couldn’t just keep being intimate, w/o being married. So since we were only 15, and couldn’t actually get married, and knew we couldn’t wait years to be intimate with each other again we said our vows to each other out in the woods between us, and God. I know that we still weren’t really married until we got married in church on Jan 1, 1998, but we were married in our hearts, and she’s never strayed again.
Perhaps rather than divorce, after you and your husband sit down and talk in depth about this, you might want to renew your vows. If he is really remorseful, and has changed, then renewing your vows just might give you BOTH that clean slate you want. Make sure to let him know though that he might get “out of the dog house”, but he isn’t “off the hook” by any means, and if it happens again you’re through. A second chance is only a SECOND chance the FIRST time after that you’re just kidding yourself.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Wow! I’m not married but I see the signs already. Cheating starts with looks and with chats, later on it will be Big. I received Proverbs 5 and my heart’s desire is to have a healthy relationship. If you see trouble do something about it before it’s TOO LATE! I’ve heard many stories about people who cheat and come home with sickness only to spread it to their partner.
May God give us wisdom and insight. It’s written in the Word that husbands and wives should honor marriage and those who commit adultery will be judged. Let’s stay pure for God… amen!
AMEN
(USA) My husband told me that he found a woman in our church attractive last night. I was upset but I did not fight with him. I just went to bed. He said that he did not have lust for her, and thought it was ok to be attracted to her, but I don’t see that it is ok to be attracted to other people. I have no interest in anyone but my husband. Am I right in this? I told him that thinking that was ok was cracking the door open for the enemy who would use that compromise to push his way in. I could feel something between them . . . a mutual attraction when they both looked at one another in my spirit. It felt uncomfortable for me many times when they would talk to one another or even look at one another, and yesterday she wore a very sheer dress. When she walked her buttocks would giggle for all to see; what makes it worse is that she is one of the dancers. It made me worry that he would look at her. He said he didn’t notice. My question is…is it ok for my husband to be attracted to other women? He says that he no longee lusts after other women like he used to. He had previously had a problem with lust, a porn addiction, and adultery.
Refer him to this website maybe… Go to counselling… it’s affecting you. You dont deserve that and I know what you mean 100% about thinking only of your man that way; in fact, I’m not married but I’m in a relationship and I detest it when men try to flirt with me because, well..I know its wrong.
Toni. In my opinion I’ve learned that it is not ok to be attracted to other women. All it does is set you up for the enemy to drive a wedge in your relationship. Yes we are human, I get that. It’s best to keep other doors sealed shut when you’re in a relationship. That way you stay committed in thought, word, and deed.
(USA) Beth, I too am married for 25 years and my husband has been lusting, and cheating on me. I’ve prayed for him day and night. After a few years he had a conversion. I was so happy, but things got even worse. He started mentally abusing me and accusing me of stuff I had nothing to do with. While asleep at night I was half sleeping, but he was up. He thought I was totally sleeping. He deliberately took his foot and priced my calf. It hurt so much. I said to Jesus if you died on the cross for me, then this should be a breeze.
He told me when I was pregnant with baby 5 that he thinks of other women while we’re in bed together. The pain he has caused me is unbearable but I give it to Jesus. I truly believe that after having 6 children with this man he is trying to make me leave. He loves women. What should I do?
Seriously, do yourself a favour; your kids love you and they will understand what you need to do I come from a split parent family and I dont mind it at all…it’s sad how men are. Unfortunately the world has taken a turn and there doesn’t seem to be any family men out there anymore. It’s lacking and it is so sad. But it makes me think…things are getting bad. I feel that Jesus will return soon to save us all from the heartbreak and terror of this world. Praise Jesus, and God Bless you Kate, you are a wonderful woman so do what you feel is right and with an outside perspective…I say lose him. May God be with you.
(USA) Recently I discovered by accident some texts between my husband a women who asks hims “I know I’m being selfish, by why don’t you leave her?” My husband is a personal trainer at a gym and I know how difficult it may be to not have a wondering eye. I confronted him about it and he said that it was a young girl who has been bothering him. Even though he told her he was married she insisted in talking to him. This is not the first time I know of my husband was communicating with other women.
I didn’t believe him, so I called this person and asked her to tell me what was going on between them since my husband was putting the blame on her. She was honest and told me that he had approached her. She asked him if he was married or had any children because he is way older than her. He responded “NO”. She said weeks later he confessed to her and told her he was married with an 18 month but that I was not living with him and that I was at another state. Even after I confronted him about it he continued to talk to her an make promises of love. (I knew this thru phone records.) He deleted every text message between them. The only reason he admits this is true is because he has been caught in the lie, if not he would still deny it.
What hurts me the most is that he was capable of denying his son. I know he loves his son and gives him lots of attention. I have not once shed a tear with this incident. It’s like I’m numb with anger. We finally attended some counseling thru our church and we have a lot to work on. Its only been since Sunday (4 days) and I feel that the drive is not there from my husband’s side. One of the tasks the counselor asked us to do was to pray every morning together and we are having a hard time accoplishing it. I am very confused. I know I have it in me to forgive but the trust is not there. Like I mentioned, in the two years that we have been married this is the third time I discovered flirtatious communication between him and other women and he always promises he won’t do it again.
Eva, I hate to say it, but it appears that your husband is a player. And being so, he certainly is in the wrong business to stay monogamous. He obviously is more “hands-on” as a trainer than he should be. If he’s really serious about being faithful to you then he needs to make some changes. One of them would be to either change jobs where he works only with men, or he refuses to work with women on a one-on-one basis. There are plenty of men out there who need “training.” If that doesn’t work (because it may be that even if an attractive gal is in the gym he’s still wanting to be more “hands-on” with her than he should) then he HAS to find a way to get out of the personal training business. Right now, he is a type of stalker and is taking unfair advantage in his job. He’s misusing his “off-time” and is capitalizing on what he can gain when he sees an attractive gal. Flirting and marriage isn’t something that should be done, unless it is with each other. That HAS to stop.
I’ve seen it over and over again where gyms and fitness training centers are meat markets. Many guys and gals go there to not only work-out, but to hook up with someone. Your husband is obviously young and needs to re-evaluate what is truly important and what line of work he can go into so he isn’t so tempted. He has a son that he seems to love a lot. If he loved him like he should, he would work hard to be a good role model for him. Faithfulness and integrity are important character traits to instill into our kids. They learn by example. If he is catting around and lying and flirting with other women, he is not going to be a good role model. The best love parents can give their child is to love each other, be faithful to each other, and model the type of integrity that they would want their child to emulate. This gives them security and guidance –part of what parenting is all about.
As for your feelings on all of this, it’s no wonder that you are feeling confused, numb and hurt. Anyone with any sense in them would. But I give you credit for trying to reach the place of forgiveness and reconciliation. Trust –that’s something he has to earn and he is FAR from earning that. If you can, you might want to read the articles we have posted on protecting your marriage and putting up hedges of emotional protection to try to guard your marriage. As you read, run these ideas past him and if he isn’t willing to do what it takes to guard your marriage, he’s clueless and suspect. You don’t get different results by doing the same thing over and over again. What was in place in the past obviously didn’t work, so some changes need to be made. As a victimized spouse, you have the right to expect them. Eva, I hope things go in a good direction for you and pray the Lord helps you, guides you, and comforts you as you reach out to Him.
Hello, I have been married to my husband for 27 years. We’re both in great shape, but lately he has been looking at women until they look at him and acting fun like what you were saying above. He told me that it’s the way he has always been but that’s not true. He once wore the shield of God. I wish I could just buy this book and give it to him but he would get angry with me. He once told me that smiling and looking at a man was flirting and leads them on. I love my man but feeling unloved.
Keep your chin up!! My heart goes out to you and, God Bless. To be honest … this is why I’m afraid of marriage!
Pray for the Lord to give me the strength to always be victorious and to seek God in all situations; let him always hear me.
WOW. Whoever wrote this is the man most reasonable woman would dream of ending up with.
Especially in this day and age men seem temped all the time. Can’t even turn on a movie without having something awkward come on the telly. And my man.. well .. he says hes loyal but how’s a girl to know?
He’s a great talker thats for sure and acts ridiculously immature for his age in some ways! (IE. “Mr. Cool”)
All I’m thinking is we have so many ups and downs; it’s an on off relationship. I’d rather not bother with relationships at all to save myself the torture and heartbreak that always trails along with the good times.
But thank you Dear Author for providing me with a glimmer of hope, that men can change their wandering eyes, and also, have great resources such as this site to do so. Keep up the great work!
Hello all, my heart goes out to all of you. I’ve been with my husband for 3 years and only married for 10 months. He has done some hurtful things in the past, which took me a long, long time to get over and forgive (for the most part) but there are a few things that haven’t changed no matter how often we argue about it.
We have let God into our lives and it seems like that was a turning point in our relationship for the better. However, I recently found out he isn’t divorced from his first wife (which still hurts but I’m working on forgiving him), he looks at any girl that passes (even at church) while I’m standing next to him. Let me be clear, he doesn’t look once, he’ll actually try to get as many glances of the girl as he possibly can.
This hurts my heart severely, I can’t understand how he can disrespect the woman that does EVERYTHING for him, that would give up her own life for him. The worst part is that I’m looking right at him and I’ll even tell him exactly when he’s doing it and he denies it. He would rather cause a scene in public (which is embarrassing for me) than just admit it or wait to discuss it at home in private.
I’ve tried sitting down and talking without yelling, I’ve tried to understand why he feels the need to stare at another woman, I’ve cried, I’ve yelled… nothing works. He could care less that I’m hurting as much as I am. Its gotten to the point where I can’t even be comfortable in public because I just catch him staring at girls all day long and if I confront him he gets loud in front of everyone. Also, I’ve caught him watching porn and other disgusting pictures on his phone. I have no trust for him.
I love him, we have a baby on the way, and I also know that divorce shouldn’t be an option but I don’t know what to do anymore. When I confronted him about the porn and pictures he denies he was watching it (I find it on his history) or finds a reason to make it okay to look at this stuff. It’s gone too far and what kills me is that he pretends to be such a godly man at church and with our friends but he’s far from it. I would understand if he made a mistake once and learned from it but he thinks he makes no mistakes. What can I do? I’m actually considering divorce. Please help!
Have you considered going to your pastor and asking him what you should do? You may not want to expose him like this, but it’s better than the direction that your marriage is going now. Also, you can go into the Pornography and Cybersex part topic of this web site, and go through the list of web sites we recommend to see what you can find to help you better deal with this issue.
You may have to eventually consider separating for a time to help him get it together until he is ready to quit hurting your heart in this way, and objectifying other women (which is belittling) as he is. But know that this could also go in a worse direction if he starts acting out his fantasies, figuring you are separated. Be prepared in case. Still, this might be the only thing you can do to possibly give him a “wake up” call before divorce is more of a consideration.
I truly believe your husband doesn’t “get it” as far as the depth of hurt and destruction he is bringing upon your marriage, and the trust in your heart for him. My husband was clueless for a number of years too. But eventually, the Lord woke him up and now it’s completely a non-issue for us. As a matter of fact, he has helped a number of others to gain victory too –those who truly wanted help.
Clearly, you have to do something about this because it’s like an acid erosion happening in your heart –more and more of the love and respect is being eaten away. You just can’t turn your head to that kind of on-going damage. That’s why I believe one of these other web sites may be able to give you good advice on what to do because they deal with this type of thing all the time. Listening to the voices of experience may help. It sure doesn’t appear that it could hurt.
Hello, I am writing as a man who struggles with an eye that keeps wondering. It’s not that I’m really attracted to other women so as to pursue a relationship with them. However, I notice that some women notice and their behavior changes. The annoying thing is that I can’t help it. I see a glimpse of a woman’s thigh for example (forgive the graphic nature of my comments, I really need help) and for a split second my eye rests there. If she notices, she will adjust her skirt or something. I feel bad for looking. What should I do? If my wife has noticed, she doesn’t say anything. By the way, I find my wife VERY attractive and I love to steal glimpses of her whenever I get the chance.
To make things worse, we have a live in baby-sitter. She’s a hard working young woman who has kids of her own. She wears short skirts, though when she performs her duties and I find this very distracting. She is an attractive lady after all. I’m not attracted to her, but it does make me feel uncomfortable. I’m afraid my wife will catch me looking and take it the wrong way.
As I am writing this, my predicament looks more and more comical. I hope someone can help me out here and giving me some advice.
Andy, You need to learn how to “bounce” your eyes, like in the article above. This means that your eyes jump away from things you shouldn’t be looking at (women’s body parts), as fast as you would jump away when your hand touches a hot stove.
Also, I would do the same with your nanny, keep to a different part of the house from her, and possibly either suggest a “uniform” of medical scrubs for your nanny to wear or hire a different nanny.
Another great step is to memorize Bible verses or songs to say aloud or to yourself whenever you’re tempted to look at another person’s body parts. Best of luck.
Thank you, very helpful. Exactly what I was looking for, but was difficult to find – so glad I did.
I present myself as a man who is in desperate need of help and saving so that I do not lose my marriage to the most amazing wife a man could be blessed with. Over the course of our relationship, I have done selfish and hurtful things to this woman who always loved me unconditionally and was always there for me. It was only recently through her moving to her parents home that the reality really took effect in my life.
We have each been going to therapy, mainly myself to fix my selfish and hurtful habits and behaivors that have destoryed her and our relationship together. I never realized how much I disregarded her and made her feel inadequate, unloved, unimportant and unfulfilled. We have tried to talk more and do things together but because of what I have done.
I feel like I have to climb Everest just to get her back in my life. I really have been working hard to undo all the pain and destruction I have caused her despite how wonderful and amazing she is. I keep praying for a way to stop myself from hurting her and driving her further apart and losing her forever. If there was any advice I could do to pay more attention to her on a physical level and stop making her feel unwanted and unappreciated, it would help beyond words. I just want us to be happy like we were when we first met and show her I am capable of being the man she would wish I was and I wish I was as well, thank you.
Vincent, the first thing you can do is what you are doing –wake up and recognize you need to make changes –permanent ones, not just ones you will do for a while to get past this bad spot. And then the next thing that could help you is to ask your wife specific things that you can do that would help her to feel valued and loved. We even have an article titled, 100 Ways You Can Show Love to Your Wife Her Way (found at: https://marriagemissions.com/100-ways-you-can-love-your-wife-her-way/ that you can read and have her point out the ways that mean the most to her (every wife has different needs and wants –so find out hers specifically).
Another thing I recommend you do is to find and read through the topic on this web site titled, “For Husbands Only” because we have a lot of great articles there that can fill you in on some of the needs that wives have. After reading them and discussing them with her, she can tell you which ones are her needs. There are many other topics that can help you too –glean through and use what you feel would help.
And lastly, Dr Gary Chapman, who is a marriage counselor, writer and speaker tells of his marriage failing in the first years they were married and how God spoke to his heart (after he confessed all he could to Him). He said that after praying he came up with 3 questions he asked his wife that have absolutely revolutionized (in a great way) his marriage. They are 1) “What can I do to help you?” 2) “How can I make your life easier?” 3? How can I be a better husband to you?” He said that when he “began to be responsive” to his wife’s answers –following through and working on those requests their “marriage radically changed.” He continues to ask them at different times, and eventually she started asking them to him too once serious changes stated to occur.
My husband Steve has asked me similar questions, and I have asked him them too (after seeing that he was sincere in wanting to save our marriage, which was also failing a number of years ago). We have a GREAT marriage now –not perfect –there aren’t any of those out there, but GREAT! I pray that for you too and encourage you to become a student of marriage and a student of your wife. Pray, read, glean, and apply what works. It just very well may save and bless your marriage more than you can comprehend.
Well hello all. I am not Satan incarnate. But I have slept with a married man. Neither of us are religious, but I found out his wife is. I am separated from my partner of 11 years because I cheated on him by sleeping with someone else (not the married man) to ease the pain of my dad passing and my partner wasn’t there for me. I’m not trying to justify what I did, just explain that I made an emotionally fueled choice in a moment of extreme sadness and weakness. So I decided at that point I could not go back to being with him since I cheated even though he doesn’t know I did. I just told him I’m separated from him because he wasn’t there for me when my dad died.
We have a child so it’s complicated to just leave without affecting our son. Anyway, so I left the city where the guy was I’d slept with. Now I’m home going to school and got caught up with the married guy. I know deep down it’s not right. I don’t even have to ask Jesus, I know it’s not ethically correct. I certainly wouldn’t want his wife to find out and get hurt; or to become pregnant by accident since I would never abort a child, but I really enjoy sleeping with this man. I want to do it as much as I can for as long as we can or as long as he wants me. I also lost my brother a few weeks ago to an accident. So I’m just all around depressed. But anyway, this guy is an actual dweeb and a player at the same time. Its strange.
Stay single if you want to look at everything that moves
What should I do when I caught my husband’s wandering eyes and being flirty with another women? I tend to back off and then I get upset, and won’t talk to him because I feel disrespected. I don’t say anything to him because I know he will get offended and will deny that such things happen, that I’m just seeing things. But even though he knows I’m upset he will never admit that he did wrong. He does not ask me why I’m upset. He just acts like nothing happened. By the way my husband is a pastor.
Jackie, Your tendency to back off and not say anything, while an honorable gesture, is enabling your husband. Realize that part of his roving eye is hard-wired (not that that excuses it; the sin nature, whatever form it takes, is also, and we are obligated to rise above it). That being said, he KNOWS it upsets you; we men are not as clueless as the media makes us out to be. The fact he doesn’t acknowledge it speaks volumes for his respect for you.
Throw “love” out the door for a minute and look at it from the viewpoint of basic respect and consider this scenario: if he had a co-worker/friend/relative and he knew that something he did offended them, would he change, or at least acknowledge their feelings and wishes? If so, why will he not do the same for you? He has forsaken all others and pledged himself to you? You should be his primary obligation, not coworkers, etc, or even family. As a pastor he should know better than the average person the need to “leave and cleave;” so why isn’t he? How would he feel if the shoe were on the other foot, and you were the one staring/flirting?
If you are not willing to put up with this indefinitely (and he is NOT going to change without a good reason) you MUST speak up. Will he get angry? Offended? Sure he will, because he knows he’s busted and sin answers sin. Will he deny it happened? Probably. He will in all likelihood turn it around on you, possibly even using scripture to justify himself (some pastors unfortunately have a knack for this) and make you look like the spouse who is being unreasonable. You’re not. Keep telling yourself that. Keep telling him that. Sorry for the rant/ramble; I hope this helps. Prayers.
I know exactly how you feel for I have been in your same situation. I bring it up in a soft maner and he denies it or says he doesn’t see it “that way”. He has an inner desire to conquer women or to “save” lost women. I told him that there is a fine line and that GOD IS NOT MOCKED he knows your heart and your true motives. I also told him to ask himself if he was desiring the attention for himself and “admiration “ or pointing that other person to GOD. It boils down to selfish sin and nothing else then the carnal tendency but if it continues… consequences are DIVORCE and pain for everyone involved including himself. My only hope is PRAYER 🙏WAR ROOM GOD will either help him or break him if he continues.