It’s amazing how complicated communicating with each other can become! Couples, who used to talk for hours at a time with each other before marrying eventually find themselves mis-communicating more than communicating after they’ve been married for a while.
Rather than talking WITH each other, they resort to talking AT each other —spitting out facts rather than connecting in their relationship. Have you found yourself in that place with your husband? If so, join the crowd!
And then when you realize the disconnection going on between you and your husband and you try to dialogue with him —nothing! Something you say flies right over his head, or it obviously doesn’t hold the same meaning for him as it does for you because of his reaction (or lack there-of). And then things become even more complicated in your relationship!
Does that mean that men are dense when it comes to communication? No. It may be YOUR communication isn’t always clear to them, but it doesn’t mean ALL communication comes out that way. And it doesn’t mean that you can’t find ways to bridge those misunderstandings. It just demonstrates the need to learn more about each other’s style of communicating and listening in order to better connect in your relationship.
When one man read one of the articles we’re going to refer you to read, he took it as if the author was saying that men were less intelligent and less capable of communicating —which isn’t the point at all! And it’s simply not true. It just means that we speak and perceive things differently from each other. And different isn’t bad or less intelligent —it’s just different!
The same is true in the reverse. Men can talk to us (or not talk to us) and we attach entirely different meanings to what they directly say to us or by their silence.
Why is it that we seem to be on the same “page” sometimes (especially before marriage) and end up on different planets at other times? That’s one of those mysteries in life, which we may want to ask the Lord when we see Him in Heaven.
Part of the reason could be that sometimes we’re able to do things for a “season” but we can’t maintain it over the long haul —we resort back to our original way of doing things eventually. Does that mean that a person can never change? No. We can all grow to a certain extent.
But sometimes it takes intentionality and sometimes we may never grow much beyond a certain point and we need the help of our partner to go the rest of the distance. But together as a team —giving each other grace and space, it’s amazing what can be accomplished. As the Bible says in Ecclesiastes 4:9-10,
“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend (or spouse) can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!”
So, how do we “de-code” this mysterious difference in our communication styles? We discovered a few articles on different web sites that we believe will help. They won’t give you all the answers —only God Himself knows that! But it’s a good start.
Please Note: The first article we will refer you to, appears on the web site for a secular magazine. Although it isn’t written specifically for the Christian audience, it contains good information. As with any human resource, just glean whatever you feel will apply to your situation, through the guidance of the Holy Spirit.
Keep in mind that:
“There could be a very good reason why your husband doesn’t hear what you’re saying. There’s new medical research which reveals why this could be, and what to do about it.”
I encourage you to read more:
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From Understandmen.com here’s a very revealing article, written by Alison A Armstrong, which can give you further clarity on this subject as you read:
And Dr David B. Hawkins gives several ideas for you to consider if you are dealing with an emotionally detached husband —which is anything but easy to understand or try to resolve. To learn what Dr Hawkins has to say on this subject, please click onto the Crosswalk.com article to read:
— ALSO —
From something written by Emerson Eggerichs:
Another article that might help you to better talk to your husband in a way that will help you to connect, can be found on the web site for CBN.com. Please click onto the link below to read:
Lastly, an important point to consider as you approach your husband is to make sure that you don’t do it during a time when you should H.A.L.T. — which would be a time when either of you is Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. There’s more vulnerability to be less tolerant during those times.
As author Scott Stanley says about approaching during a vulnerable time,
“A number of studies demonstrate that we tend to give people more benefit of the doubt [and grace] when we’re in a good mood and less benefit of the doubt when in a bad mood [or one of the above factors is in play]. If you’re in a bad mood, you’re more likely to perceive whatever your partner says or does more negatively, no matter how positive he or she is trying to be.”
So, the point is, to ask God to help you to discern when would be the best time to talk with your husband. You may still get a negative reaction from him, but there’s less of a chance of it if you pick a better time to make your approach.
Here’s something that Sheila Wray Gregoire (In her “My Husband Doesn’t Spend Any time With Me” blog) writes about timing your communication that I’ve found to be true too:
“Remember that men tend to communicate side by side, rather than face to face. They like talking while they’re doing something. They don’t tend to like just sitting around and talking face to face, the way we women do. So the more you can find things to do, the more you’ll likely communicate. And if you start laughing and finding things to do together, he’ll probably want to be with you more.
“So rather than attacking him with accusations that he doesn’t want to spend time with you, or that you want him to do something that you want to do, try to find things that he enjoys doing that you can do with him, even if you have to stretch yourself or go outside of your comfort zone. The best thing that you can do for your relationship is just to learn to be friends again, so try that out!”
The bottom line is to make your approach, one that truly works, rather than to continue to approach your husband in some pre-conceived manner that makes sense to you, but doesn’t really work, in the long-run.
You may be tired of trying, and I can well understand that. I’ve been there myself in the past. But I can tell you as a wife who finally realized that persevering beyond that which seems reasonable can produce fruit that is sweet —especially when our God is involved as we partner with Him in this journey of trying to improve our marriage relationships.
And if it is of any encouragement to you, I now have a terrific marriage where our communication is very open and deep in our connection. I pray this for you. May God give you the strength, help and hope to keep trying to connect with your husband.
“Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up” (Galatians 6:9).
Your “harvest” may or may not be what you hope for (I hope along with you that it will be), however, as you persevere, God will bless you in ways that would never have been possible if you hadn’t.
“And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ —to the glory and praise of God.” (Philippians 1:9-11)
This article is written by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International.
If you have additional tips you can share to help others on this issue, or you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.