Marriage Missions International

Husband Abuse: Can a Wife Abuse Her Husband?

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When we think of abuse or domestic violence, we don’t often hear or think about the husband being the victim. It’s usually the wife who is the reported sufferer. Yet more and more it’s coming out into the light that many husbands are victims of spousal abuse, as well.

So why don’t we hear about husbands being abused by their wives? David L. Fontes, Psy.D, in the article titled, “Men Don’t Tell” gives insight into several reasons. He writes:

“When a man is a victim of his wife’s physical abuse he is both shamed by the assaults of his wife and shamed by society for not ‘controlling’ her better. Men are considered ‘wimps’ for letting their wives beat them or for complaining about their wives’ attacks. For many men ‘taking it like a man’ means don’t complain and don’t show you are vulnerable or in pain!

“With the prospect of being viewed as ‘wimps’ and/or having the assaults by their wives not believed or minimized by the general public and law enforcement, it’s no wonder few men report their abuse or discuss it openly.”

We, at Marriage Missions, can testify that it’s difficult for men to report their abuse and find help —especially in the Christian community. We’ve received a number of letters from husbands who are dealing with their wives abusive and sometimes very violent behavior. They write that they want to be honorable men and won’t hit or abuse back, but they don’t know what to do to stop their wives from hurting them in these ways.

We’ve tried to find articles —especially Christian articles and web site postings, written on this subject to help them. But there seems to be very, very little help available.

Does that mean that it’s less important to minister to the hurting husband as it is to the hurting wife, even though the numbers “appear” to be less? Should a husband just accept and silently suffer from abusive behavior, if it is directed at him from his wife? No. Abuse is wrong no matter who is victimizing the other, male or female.

Maxine Marz wrote a Metronews.ca article titled, “Husband Abuse Erodes Dignity” where she had the following to say on this issue:

“While it is true that most physical assaults caused by women tend to be less severe when compared to a man’s physical assault on a woman with his fist or a weapon, the abusive woman’s slaps, bites, kicks and/or pulling of her partner’s hair are nevertheless still very hurtful because, in addition to subjecting physical pain, they attack the man’s dignity and erode his sense of self-worth. Many men also encounter emotional abuse when their abusive spouse turns to using their children to assert her control over them and their relationship.

“To add insult to injury, some abusive women not only victimize their spouses by abusing them verbally, emotionally, financially and/or physically, but they also attempt to manipulate the criminal justice system in their favour and against their partner. This unconscionable attempt of some abusive women not only re-victimizes their already abused husbands by denying them equal rights and fair protection under the law, but it simultaneously devalues and undermines the admirable progress women’s groups have achieved over the years in trying to protect the rights of legitimately abused wives and their children in the criminal courts.

“It is evident that our society has made positive strides over the years to bring needed attention to domestic abuse and to better protect women from their abusive husbands or partners. Unfortunately, based on what many abused husbands currently experience, we still have a long way to go to afford them with similar protection of their safety and security and to eliminate the current gender bias in our system that re-victimizes them all over again when they step into the legal arena.”

To help bring this type of victimization out into the open, we will provide several web site links to articles that you can read on this subject. We hope that it will not only give voice to their dilemma, but will also help husbands to better protect themselves and put up proper boundaries in the ways that they should.

The first two articles consist of stories of battered men (some being followers of Christ and others who are not) who share their life experiences of being battered by various women. To read what they have written, please click onto the links (from Heart-2-heart.ca and Batteredmen.com) provided below:

ABUSED MEN SPEAK OUT

BATTERED MEN: MEN’S PERSONAL STORIES

The following articles and blogs are posted on various web sites that deal with the subject of husband abuse and battered men. These articles are not posted on Christian web sites, so please be aware of that. However, we believe they still give good insights and provide a lot of helpful information. We encourage you to glean what is good —that which lines up with Biblical standards, and throw away that which doesn’t apply to your situation and that which the Lord shows you NOT to use. Let the Lord be your guide.

Please click onto the links provided below to read:

MY SPOUSE HITS ME – Can a Wife Abuse Her Husband?

MALE VICTIMS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

WHY MEN IN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS REMAIN SILENT

HELP FOR BATTERED MEN

We also want to remind husbands to read other articles that are provided on this web site in the “Abuse in Marriage” section. We recognize that they mostly address wives (sorry about that), but we encourage you to ask God to show you how you can apply the advice that is given to your own situation. God can show you what advice you can, and what you shouldn’t or won’t be able to use.

Ask your “Wonderful Counselor” the Holy Spirit to reveal to you how to adapt different advice given, to apply to your particular situation. We hope you will and we hope you will find the help you need. May He help you as you reach out to Him —that is our prayer for you.

This article was compiled by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International.

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Comments

160 Responses to “Husband Abuse: Can a Wife Abuse Her Husband?”
  1. Jen says:

    (USA)  I often wonder why there are so many resources for the victims but not for the abuser? I am a woman who hates getting violent with her husband during altercations. I would love to find advice on how to keep it from happening in the first place. I have called 10 different programs in my area for anger management, each of them has told me that I must be referred because of a crime committed! I’d rather not wait until the cops are involved to change.

    I don’t expect sympathy for my actions but I would like to have more information on how to help myself and keep my relationship within respectful bounds. I love my husband very much and want to change my behavior, only it seems like I can’t find any info anywhere on how to change. Maybe a follow up article would be helpful for people like me tht want to be better spouses.

    • Cindy Wright says:

      (USA) Hi Jen, We actually do have some articles that can help with anger management, when applied. I just now included them into the “Abuse in Marriage” topic. (Previously, they were just featured in the “Communication and Conflict” topic and now they are featured in both — actually three places, because I put them into the “Communication Tools” topic, as well so they are MUCH easier to find.) They also have links to additional articles to read.

      They are titled, “How to Deal with Your Anger,” and “Anger: Handling a Powerful Emotion,” and “Stop Your Implosive and Explosive Responses to Anger,” and “Managing Your Anger by Using the Triple P Method.” There’s also one of the Marriage Messages included in the tags at the end, which deals with managing anger. I hope these articles will help everyone concerned, including you. Jen, I commend you for looking for help now, rather than later. I pray the best for you and your husband.

  2. Andrew says:

    (CANADA)  I feel very sad for those who are being abused and have asked for help. I myself have been abused, but nowhere to the degree that some of you have, and as there’s two sides of the story I admit that I can be very nagging and annoying and could have been blamed for driving her nuts at times.

    Anyway, my advice is simple: in marriage, you vow to cherish one another and to serve one another. The key is WILL. You BOTH have to want it to work. Before getting into marriage, you BOTH have to go to marriage counselling and have a mutual understanding of what marriage is. Marriage is NOT about being perfect, but about BOTH WANTING TO BE PERFECT.

    When in marriage, what I’ve found in general is that my wife is like a mirror: she’ll be super sweet when I’m super sweet, and super nasty when I’m nasty.

    Sometimes I can let the stresses of life get to me, and I can complain too much and forget to be a “Prince Charming”. Sometimes it’s the other way round -I’ve found my “peace” for months on end, and then my Wife will disturb that peace and yell at me out of impatience and then that will trigger me to slowly regress into a foul mood. The point is: regardless of the circumstances of life, we must always be vigilant of our behavior and treat our Wives like how we treat people in the work-place: always conscious that we are not offensive, and never taken for granted.

    Marriage is hard work, but both must be willing to put in the hard work. To avoid getting into a marriage where only one side wants to put in the work – go to counselling before marriage!! If you’re already married, then you have to assess whether your spouse is willing to put in the work to fix it. If the answer is “no” – then I believe there is no choice but to get a divorce. If you have children, there is MORE HARM in staying in an abusive marriage than getting a divorce, because your children may model the behavior in the future: either they become abusive or they themselves sub-consciously get into an abusive relationship with the goal of fixing what their parents could not.

    And if you spouse is threatening to lie about you in court: put in secret cameras and tape the conversations!! Even if you cannot use it in court, you can certainly play it to your friends and use that as a defense against your spouse. Most women hate being embarrassed in public and if you have a weapon like video or audio recording to use against her, that may stop her from telling lies. You have to be smart, appear strong and beat her at her own game. If you appear weak and submissive, you will be stepped on.

    Remember – no one changes if they don’t want to. Good luck, and God bless.

  3. Nancyshanice says:

    (KENYA)  I think husband beating is an immoral and unethical behavior. The husband is the head of the family as Christ is the head of the church. If the church rises up against Christ then all will be a mess. Husbands have to be respected even if you are the bread winner; because that is what makes wives to be irrespective to their husbands. The cases of men being abused are not seriously looked into because they say men are more powerful than women.

  4. MrsM says:

    (USA)  Hello, I would first like to say this is a great website. I read some great stories on here and I would like to share minds. I would like to tell you a little about myself and my situation. I am married but am separated at this time. I am praying to God to restore my marriage. However, I was the cause of my marriage falling apart. I was the abuser in my marriage and I abused my husband emotionally and physically. Therefore yes, women can be the abuser, however I confessed my sin to my father and forgave myself and am seeking my husband’s forgiveness through divine intervention through Christ to touch my husband heart. At this point I am at peace with myself and God.

    My story, to make it short, started out like this. I married my husband from another country, I live in the USA. The long distance cause some of the problem. I love my husband and know that he loves me. I have a history of running men off with my bad attitude, impatience, demanding, getting mad when I cannot get my way, am angry, sometimes violent, controlling, and insecure.

    Like I was saying the long distance didn’t make me any better or nicer to my husband. It started out great and my husband is a good person that loves his friends. I on the other hand didn’t have any friends. I live a lonely life but am cool with it because though I may be an angry person at times when things do not go my way, I like peace. Therefore, I keep to myself. I have a very good side of me too. I can be very loving, sweet, caring, very giving, unselfish, kind, helpful and I’ve always been told I have a big heart.

    My husband is the same way and also has his issues. I would like to say my husband suffers with being passive aggressive. He had some childhood issues and so did I. Therefore, we both bring out each other worst in the past.

    I became very envious of my husband having a lot of friends and how he spoke highly of them. I became very jealous of his 2 friends that he is close to. The one friends is a girl. I didn’t find out about her until after the wedding. That made me feel very insecure. I felt like I never had the chance to not get married because of him having a female best friend that he works with. I started to resent their friendship and became very insecure. He was best friends with a guy. I resent their friendship because whenever his friend comes to this country he spends lots of time with him and I felt like he forgot about me. But that was my own negative thinking and I was just jealous because my husband had a life and I didn’t. My life was him and his daughter and he didn’t center me around his world.

    So it got very ugly. One time he checked me and told me about myself, said I was jealous that he had friends and I didn’t, how I was just lonely and miserable. He was speaking the truth and y’all know the truth hurts. So after that all gloves were off. I started showing him my bad side and I brought him up I tore him down. I let him feel my wrath. I went as far as calling him gay names, emailing his friend, calling them both gay. I called him all kind of names hoping and wishing he would die. I said some very horrible stuff, making comments about his privates, making up stuff to hurt him and tear him apart. My husband is super stubborn so we would go weeks without talking because I am also stubborn. I always had to fix things. Maybe once or twice he came back around. We would make up and I started getting mad with him ignoring his calls. I would hang up the phone on him. One time I ended up changing my number and that hurt him real bad.

    Another thing is my husband do not like argue or fight at all. I, on the other end, love to argue and can be nitpicky and for no reason will find a reason.

    Now it’s gotten so bad between us that he now does everything I used to do to him. He ignores my calls, hangs up the phone on me, does not call back. The tables have turned. My husband is super stubborn and he can stick to his guns, unlike me, I do not stay mad long at all, but am stubborn.

    He hurt me the last time I was in his country with his female best friend. She called his phone and called him honey. I was so livid I ended up hitting him and got very physical with him. I was extremely mad about this and was mad for almost year after we made up. After it happened he never felt bad about it so I started committing adultery when I got back home. I even tried when I was up there but I just couldn’t do it. I did it twice in 2 weeks before he moved to the state with me.

    Yes, I still applied for him to come here because I really love my husband and I know that I have issues. He tries to deal with me. Even though things were rocky I wanted to keep our marriage. I never forgave what happened the last time I was in his country. Before he came up here I used to throw it up in his face during a fight how I slept with somebody else, and say other bad things to him. All during this ordeal I did try to seek God because a good friend of mine told me not to give up and to start reading my Bible. It helped a whole lot and I started going to counseling. That is when my husband felt like it was okay to come down and give our marriage a shot.

    Well, he got here and things fell apart in a month. I started to become very abusive toward him because all of the things we went through in the past. It made me hate him on some days so that I couldn’t understand anything that was wrong with him. I would lash out and start fighting with him, especially when I’d drink. Well, he ended up moving out and ran to some people’s house he didn’t know. A co worker helped him there. That really made me bitter. I found other things that made me believe he may have cheated on me. To this day I do not know for sure if he cheated or not.

    I asked God to reveal these things to me but he was telling me that he was looking for friends because he was afraid of me –that he was looking for place to stay in case I got too out of hand with physically hitting him. So we were going at it for over a month. Then one day we talked about spousal support and working on our marriage again. At this time I was in a very very dark place. My intention to get my marriage back was bad. I was out for blood.

    I was hating God. I always loved him but didn’t have a strong faith. God knows my heart and knew that I tried to seek him and I tried to get my husband there. But I couldn’t with all the sinning going on between us. I even wanted to end me and my husband’s life. It was so bad. The devil had me so gone. I met up with my husband one night, had a few drinks, and we got into it. I just snapped and cut him. I ended up in jail and I was so afraid that I immediately went to God, repented, asked him to save me and he did.

    Don’t y’all know? God answered me. I am on the right path. I had to stay in jail for 9 days. My family tried everything to get me out and God wasn’t having it. He was working on me while I was in jail and the things he did to me and made me see was nothing but blessings. He showed me so many things in those 9 days. It was supposed to be a horrible experience but turned out to the best thing that could ever happen to me and I am so grateful that god stepped in and save my life. I am so happy that I am still here and it is a new year. I am so happy that my husband didn’t get hurt real bad because I saw some lady in jail that murdered her husband and she was so gone.

    I felt my husband’s pain when inmates were being mean to me for no reason. I saw so many things. God taught me so many things. I was always in the Bible praying and praying. I confessed all of my sins to him. I forgave everybody that I was holding grudges with in my past. I forgave them all. I forgave my husband and prayed that he’d forgave me. I did a lot of confessing and asking for forgiveness. I even forgave myself and my past. God has renewed my heart. He cleansed my sin and still is. My heart is now so light. I am no longer angry, bitter, nor hold any maliciousness in my heart. I have no resentment towards nobody. It is filled with love, joy and peace. God is so good!!! I give all the glory to God!!!

    I feel so good that I prayed for God to restore my marriage. I know he is going to restore it even through trials and tribulations I am going through! I have no worries about court or anything. I believe God is going to take care of all of that for me because he does everything for a reason and wanted my soul and he got it!!! I believe he is going to restore my marriage too because he gave me a scripture. It is 1 Peter 3:1. I know that all he wants is to get me right with him, make some changes within me for the better so my husband can see the new me and how god works and to get him in Christ.

    One thing I can say is that my husband and I always talked about the Lord. We both always talked about getting saved and even getting baptised together as husband and wife. The greatest thing is my husband loves the Lord. He is not an unbeliever at all. That’s why I know God is going to bring us back together, maybe not in my time but in his time because God’s timing is perfect. I know God is going to have to fix some things in my husband too because my husband’s passive aggressiveness alone, used to drive me crazy. lol!

    I am learning to be patient. That’s always been my problem, controlling my anger (which I hardly have any). I am working on loving myself, loving God always, learning his words to apply them in my life, giving to others, walking in God’s way that he planned for me. I want to be ready and allow God to make these changes thoroughly so when he does restore my marriage, my husband will give his life to Christ after he see how much God took care of me and made changes in me.

    I already feel like a new person. My favorite Psalm that I meditate on is Psalm 51. I used to just say it for myself. Now I say it for me and my husband. God is sooooo good. I thank him for his glory!!! I am so happy that he brought me out of the darkness and to the light! I hope my story helps somebody and lets them know God is good and real. He can bring you out of that darkness. Being an abuser is not worth it. Do not end up in jail like me, to find God. Do it now. Get help now! Respect your husband. Treat him like the king he is and he will treat you like a queen.

    I can say my husband treated me like a queen but I was too negative and was in a very dark place with lots of baggage when I got married. Now I am staying on God’s word and am faithfully working for him to restore my marriage. I know he is going to restore it in Jesus’ name. Amen!

    Please feel free to ask me any questions or leave your comments. I also ask people to pray for me and not judge me. I know what I did was wrong. I confess it all to the good Lord and he forgave me. I can feel that he did. I ask for people to please pray for me and my husband. Keep us in your prayers as I will do the same. God is good and always on time!!! Oh, and God has a sense of humor too. Since I’ve been out of jail I have not heard anything from my husband yet. God’s been supplying all of my needs and oh yes, the devil is busy. He put all kinds of thoughts into my head saying things like, “your husband doesn’t want you; he’s got a new girlfriend; your husband hates you; his family hates you; he doesn’t love you anymore, on and on.” I just cry sometimes because it bothers me and not knowing the unknown of faith and what God is doing can be scary. Especially because of what the devil is saying to me, I just cry and get on my knees and pray.

    Please pray for us. I would love to chat with others on here because I am in Christ, married and have a story to tell. To all the husband’s that have been abused, there is still hope. If God can fix me he can fix your wife! Nothing is impossible with God.

    • Mike from United States says:

      I’m so sorry that you have been tormented by your emotions for so long in your life. Very glad to hear you have received Christ as your Savior. He will help you in the area of your emotions as you walk with Him in the Spirit. I hope you are in the mean time seeking professional counseling in dealing with what sounds like BPD. Please research this so you know exactly what you’re battling against.

  5. Laurie says:

    (CANADA)  My brother has been married to a physically, verbally and financially abusive woman for almost 10 years. They have four children. She was always controlling and had the tendency to overreact and become depressive and anxious but things really went south about three years ago when she had a major mental break and destroyed their home.

    She was treated and became functional for a while but the episodes came closer together and escalated. She ran up bills, hurled accusations and obscenities in front of the children, crashed cars on purpose, vandalized things, was violent (he has never hit her). Most recently she drove at over double the speed limit, passing cars, ignoring the police behind her, with two of their children in the car.

    She was released from hospital right away (stupid system) and returned to the home to attempt to abduct the children. She did not get away with the children but punched my mother who was helping care for them, assaulted my brother and attempted to run him over with their truck. He is pressing charges and they are separating. I am hoping the courts will see reason and give him sole custody and that she will never get unsupervised access. She is a very dangerous woman.

    I fear she will try to abduct the children and that she may kill my brother on purpose or even the children by mistake. My dear brother is a good man and stood by her through her mental illness but he can’t and shouldn’t do it anymore. It’s hard for him because he says when she is well he still loves her but she is sick and dangerous and not taking responsibility for her well being (stopped taking medications).

    I hope for their safety and for him to stay strong. She can present well. She is small so she doesn’t look dangerous (but she is). She can be charming and act “normal” but she is the craziest person I’ve ever had the misfortune of knowing. He is pressing assault charges and she is in a forensic hospital being assessed. He wants her to get help. I couldn’t care less what happens to her as long as she stays away from them. He has been letting her talk to the children on the phone. I’m against this but it’s not my call. I and my Dad have told him we feel this way though and I think he’s reconsidering.

    Does anyone with experience or expertise have views on how much communication she should have with the children with their best interests at heart? I have said that I will help care for the children as long as I don’t have to deal with their mother. How else can I help my brother and his kids?

  6. Kristin says:

    (USA)  I read this article and it’s left me wondering if I am an abuser. My husband & I have been married for 1 & 1/2 years (together for 2 & 1/2 total) and it’s been very rocky. I have been a Christian for about 15 years; my husband hasn’t shared many details about his religious beliefs, even though I’ve asked him many, many times- he says that he’s been saved twice (I know you can only be saved once, but that’s what he said).

    My husband has been emotionally & verbally abusive to me throughout our entire relationship, except when we were first dating (honeymoon phase). It doesn’t happen everyday, but a few days per week is plenty. In response to my hurt, depression, & frustration about the way he treats me, I sometimes will blow up & lose control. I’ve gotten in his face, poked and/or hit his chest, yelled and/or cursed at him, thrown things, & taken a baseball bat and hit our bed frame, which broke. After every episode I apologize and admit that I was wrong. I don’t have these episodes very often because I have made some positive changes with the help of God, but I still fear that I’ll do it again.

    My husband has also been physically abusive with me- he’s hit me in the face 1 time & pushed me down on the ground numerous times. He is still being verbally abusive as well- tonight after asking him to reset the computer router a few times he proceded to curse at me and call me disgusting names. And when I left the apt to cool down he told that I needed to go before he kicked my a–.

    My husband has experienced a lot of hurt in his life, so I understand why he acts the way he does. He was physically abused by his father as a child, and saw his mother being beat as well. During his first marriage his wife cheated on him and got pregnant by that man. He is also an Iraq war veteran & has PTSD. I have left him before because of the way he treats me, but I came back because I don’t want a divorce and I truly believe that God put us together for a reason.

    I continue to pray to God that he will help the both of us. I don’t want to make excuses for my behavior because I know that physical violence is wrong. However, I also feel a little bit justified because of all the pain my husband has put me through. Does anyone have any thoughts on this?

    • Mario says:

      (USA)  Well, I definitely have not solved my relationship problems, but… The one thing that comes to mind is that you guys have to seek counseling. The Bible says, “in the multitude of counsellors, there is safety.” It was soo hard for me to get counselling but it has definitely helped. Seek and you shall find, ask and it shall be given to you, knock and the door will be opened.

  7. Gary says:

    (AUSTRALIA)  OMG – I’m reading and don’t believe there are so many ABUSED husbands out there. Well, I’m married 25 years and my darling wife has always shown a tendency to fly off the handle, even in our early dating days.

    But over the last five years or so she has become “HORRENDOUS.” I have been punched in the face multiple times while driving my car, spat in my face on many times, have been abused both mentally and physically on so many occasions. I start to shake and my stomach is churning when I see her about to explode. And believe me, you can tell all is about to unleash after the first word comes out of her mouth. And the reasons for all of this is “because she can”!!!

    I am a hardworking businessman who has been an excellent provider to her and the kids who are now grown. I have tried to reason with her hundreds of times, but as soon as I try to say things that she doesn’t want to hear she just explodes. In other words I never, ever get to say and try reasoning with her. I have now resorted to texting her to tell her how much I am hurting and all I get back is a barrage of filth and putdowns.

    She has degenerated me so often I’m starting to believe that I am nothing and worthless. And I am not. I am a good looking guy for my age with usually a happy nature and well liked by many of our friends. But my happy go lucky nature has been slowly ripped out of me over recent years.

    And surprise!!! She is never wrong. If I suggest something be done a certain way then I’m an idiot, a tool, a wanker and a fool besides all the expletives that come with it.

    I’m thinking she may be BPD or Narcissistic. I don’t know. I would not dare (too Scared to tell her to seek some help seriously) -she tells me I’m the one that need help and not that nicely either.

    I really don’t want to divorce her but maybe I have no options. Please help me with some helpful replies as I really am getting to the end of my tolerance and patience and I don’t want to go down hill with this never ending stress.

    PS… I don’t have time to tell you of all the abuse both mentally and physically but believe me it has been HUGE and HORRENDOUS -take care all

    Also I have never physically abused my wife, never cheated on my wife -verbal abuse occasionally, in retaliation when she has persistently pushed my buttons. But never have I called her the filth and degrading remarks she bestows upon me. Please HELP.

    • Mario says:

      (USA)  Yes Gary, It is shocking to read on here how many abused husbands there are. Men who are staying faithful to God, despite the unChristlike behavior of the women.

      Some things that I have done so far, to try to improve the situation, are: -Expose darkness to light. -I have told our close friends of the family. – This led to us going to a marriage counsellor (a local pastor).

      What the marriage counsellor said is that when we are arguing, we are actually “intoxicated” with anger. I have learned that she won’t walk away, so I have to be smart and just walk away. I have learned that only when we are around people from church or in social environmnents, then the abuse happens little to never.

      This is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with in my life. I’m grateful for this website where thoughts and feelings can be shared.

      • Mark from United States says:

        What happens when we walk away and she follows and attacks me in front of my kids? She just punches me in my face for a mistake I did.

  8. Mario says:

    (USA)  YES it is definitely true that husbands are abused.

    Is it possible that the verbal abuse and hateful words are more damaging than the punches and blows? I watched my father be verbally abused by my mother for over 10 years. On her “mental list” she had about 500 things that my father had done wrong over the years. And what she would do is bring those up constantly over and over, heaping shame upon him and then she would argue non-stop and disrespect him and be constantly verbally abusive to him.

    I watched this for 15 years, go by. My dad never hit her, but she did at times hit him physically. It really wounded my dad emotionally.

    I said, to myself, that I would never marry someone like this. And guess what happened? I was dating somebody and I just didn’t see the red flags. I was lonely and I didn’t think I could find anybody else and I went ahead and married her.

    And now the cycle is continuing. The person I married is verbally abusive. Does anyone know what websites an abused man can go, what can I do to get help? She is also abusive to the children, hitting them excessively and constant verbal abuse and derogatory.

    She denies everything when I bring it up to our friends at church. I just want the insults and anger and abuse to stop. If anyone has any advice, it would be greatly appreciated.

    • Cindy Wright says:

      So, so sorry Mario. Abuse is wrong no matter who does it, and no matter what reason he or she gives. You ask for web sites that could possibly give you advice. Actually, if you go into the “Links and Recommended Resources” part of this topic (Abuse in Marriage) you will find several links listed that will take you to web sites that could possibly help in some way.

      Also, in this topic, you will find other articles written, which gives advice as to how to better protect yourself. Sadly, many of them only address women who are being abused, without mentioning men. I wish they would address both. But, I can’t change what the authors have written. I can however, encourage you to change the pronouns and glean what you can use. I hope you will. And I hope your wife will recognize that unbridled anger –anger, which strikes out at another person, verbally, emotionally, or physically needs to be stopped and dealt with. It is NEVER permissible to victimize anyone this way. I pray that somehow she is able to get the help she needs to stop (and that she takes advantage of that help) and I pray that you are able to experience the peace you should in your home and in your life.

    • Andrew says:

      (AUSTRALIA)  I understand your pain so much, Mario. Just today my wife verbally abused me again in front of my kids. We have four kids and the youngest is 19 moths old. It is just before her time of the month and she turns into another person, which is not like her, as she would say. We woke up Saturday morning happy and then after going to the toilet I come back to assist her with loading the dishwasher. She suddenly starts getting angry saying that I don’t help her with anything around the house, I am useless as a father, I make her feel depressed and she wishes she never met me with few profanities in between.

      I stayed quiet like a child and tried hard to not say anything to make the situation worse. She kept going like this for a while and when she stopped I walked away to work on some chores. After a period of time to let her cool down I went to her and held her, trying to forget the mornings incident. She responds as like nothing has happened as I guessed she believes she is right. It saddens me when my six year old daughter comes up to me and tells me I heard mum yelling at you and did she hit you too. How do I explain this to her?

      It is now Sunday in the late morning and my daughter comes to tell her that my son has called her names. She goes off the end again and starts saying she can’t take it anymore, she can’t handle the kids, me and the life we live. She says again that I am useless and what do I contribute to the family as a husband and father. Unfortunately this is in front of all my kids again where she doesn’t think twice about swearing in front of them. I feel so bad and ashamed that my kids can see this. I don’t want this to be an example to my kids that is alright to do this to anyone or partner.

      Today I actually tried to make a comment back as my heart could not take it anymore but this made it worse. So I just keep quite until she stopped again and took some time out out. I am currently working and it would take me 2 hours to get to work and 2 hours to get home at around 7-7:30pm. I am also studying a course online to change my career to help us improve our lifestyle, which I started a month and half ago. She thinks that working is not an excuse to live to her exceptions. She also keeps complaining that I have not finished my course. She claims would have it completed it by now if she did it. She believes that I am not smart enough and should be working harder. This has been going on for a while now and I am finding hard to cope anymore.

      As I sat in a corner with tears of frustration and sadness I thought it would be better if I was dead to stop this pain in my heart but my kids bring me back. I am thinking about leaving her to make her and myself happy but the kids draw me back. I don’t know if I am going to last with this constant psychological abuse and at times physical. Is there any help I can get to get the answer??

      • Mike from United States says:

        I understand your anguish. You must realize that your wife’s behavior is not your fault. She is a troubled person who needs professional counseling. You also need to seek counseling for yourself and learn techniques of setting up healthy boundaries with your wife if you are going to stay married. Her behavior is hurting your children and will if not changed will have long lasting detrimental affects on your children. Seek professional counseling for yourself. My prayers are with you and your family.

  9. Leslie says:

    (AMERICA)  I started dating my husband back in June 18th 2010. I met him at the park. I asked him about his past dating experiences. He said he had had this 5 year fling with this girl but it was nothing serious (RED FLAG ALERT). Usually when most men say longtime booty pal that means she is still someone around. But I gave him a chance and fell for him eventually.

    As the time progressed and I had a inclination to ask him had he cheated on me, he looked me in my eyes and said “no baby I love you; you’re the only one.” So I fell even harder. Knowing I wasn’t yet married we began to try and conceive a baby anyway. The baby was conceived around Feb. of 2011. Things began to get really stressful, and we began to argue a lot. He revealed to me in anger for the very first time that he had cheated on me.

    I was so hurt, and was also pregnant for the very first time, becauuse he had cheated on me way before I had ever gotten pregnant, and even before I asked him he had cheated. So basically that meant he was a liar and a cheat . My heart was so hurt I told him I wanted a abortion. Now I don’t have family, and I was off of work cuz I fell so ill, so I asked him for money -he said “no.”

    He tore up my expensive pc, and that’s where the abuse started for me. I was hit over the head, then the second encounter was when he busted out my window. I said can we please get counseling and his response was “if that’s how YOU feel” almost as if he were indicating that he needed no counseling. He kept blaming me for his infidelity. He busted out my window. Then I just lounged myself at him and started scratching his face. He pulled out a fist full of hair.

    Now I feel like he had ruined my life because I have a baby by him and even though we are now married, I still resent him, because he talked to her even this summer of 2012. Every time I think about him and her I hit him or when he acts like he is ignoring me I will hit or slap or pour water on him. So sometimes men play too many games … NO THERE IS NO EXCUSE TO HIT ANYONE but at the same time the heart is very delicate …and a lot of women are getting freaking sick and tired of men’s games.

  10. Peter says:

    (GERMANY)  Of course wives abuse husbands. They do it MUCH more often than husbands abuse wives and they do it in much more vicious ways too. Often it is criminal abuse. Just google “crimes against fathers” and you will see that we are bringing justice to fathers who are criminally abused by wives… especially in the criminal family courts.

  11. Sean says:

    (SOUTH AFRICA)  What causes them to snap for no apparent reason? It is nice all the other stories, but I want to know if our relationship can be helped or not.

    • Kisha says:

      (USA)  Hi Sean. The instant outbursts can be caused my many reasons. I was told by my therapist that I have an intermittent explosive disorder. it basically means that I can get so angry and abusive by the smallest of things. And the anger tends to be grossly out of proportion to the stressors of the environment.
      For me, I realize that I have to deal with my past abusive issues with my family to be able to control my present issues with my husband. It takes a day at a time. Any relationship can be helped. But only you can determine how much help you need and how bad you want it.

      I have seen two therapist, my pastors, and have spoken to my close friends in helping me find ways tocontrol my anger so that I am not abusive towards my husband. I want to be a better wife for him and want to do what ever it takes to make my marriage work. But that is because I want and desire it to work.

      If you are willing Sean, your relationship can be helped.

  12. Kisha says:

    (USA)  I am an abusive wife seeking counseling and treatment. It pains me to know the reason for all this pain, hurt and shame is caused by someone who loves you, or you thought that loved you. I know I have have broken my husbands spirit in ways I do not think I can repair. I read articles like these and comments to help me understand what he is going through. Even though I am seeking treatment for the things that I have done to him, in addition to dealing with my own physical abuse as a child, I do not think I know where he is emotionally and spiritually.

    I love him very much, and as much as I can say I didn’t mean to hit him or hurt him, it still happened. I am genuinely sorry for what I did and I am scared of losing him. I feel like I failed at being his partner and Friend. I do not want to be this way and I am doing everything in power to work on me and get help. I want us to be great examples for our daughter. I know it starts with me and my treatment. I do have deeper issues that I never resolved before saying I do. I want my marriage to work. and I want to make my husband, my man feel like he is the man and leader in our home. We are now separated, and in this time I am praying for us, and working on me so that we could be a better us for our daughter.

    I read these comments of the men who were/are abused and I am so sorry. I am sorry that you all feel this way. I am sorry that you are hurt, shamed and feel alone. I am not diminishing any abuse of any kind towards any gender. But abusers are usually carrying abuse, hurt and pain that happened to them. The first person that usually gets the backlash of that hurt is the very person they love. It is an awful reality from a broken person in a very broken world where the only mending exist in the hands of God.

    I hope I did not upset any men here. But I thank you men for sharing your feelings and insight.

    • Mihai says:

      (RO)  Over and over again, each time the causes are somewhere between 0-6 years of age. There are all the negative causes, then all our conditioning happened, without us being able to do something about it.

      Bruce Lipton is a great guy who showed great things. Osho is great for his power of introspection. They both helped me. I know now that if one doesn’t solve his issues, those issues will reappear always. It’s natural.

      I recognize my addiction to abusing women. I was always attracted to this type of women, because my mother was an abusive woman, who always downgraded my father, and all around her, trying to blame everyone for her unhappiness and problems. I cannot blame her, though I wish so, so badly, because now I’m in charge on my life, and the fact the I was born into that family, is not coincidental. It resonates with my past, of course.

      So the solution for me and for all of us, is to treat ourselves, at all costs. Gives this healing the top most priority. That’s the only way. Changing partners will not help, as we will always be attracted to those who resonate with our belief system. And until all issues and addictions are gone from our belief system, things will continue to look almost the same. This is the harsh truth I learned. We are the only ones who can change ourselves.

  13. Jeff says:

    (US)  My wife used to get mad because of my jealousy. I overcame that 25 years ago. I had given her all the freedom anyone could ever ask for including the finances. A couple of years ago I intercepted a certified letter from the morgage company stating I was in foreclosure and I never knew it. Then I find out she had borrowed thousands from her mother her father and almost all of our friends.

    Then I find out she had met some other guy on the train comming back from Florida with my three kids. I started to check phone records and following her. She had me arrested on stalkiig and harassment charges. She then got a restaining order on me and used one of my kids to force me into breaking the order.

    I haven’t seen my house or kids in months. Now her lawer is going to take everything I own, not to mention the 10 credit cards she maxed out that I will be responsible for. I look like a monster in the court’s eyes and even more so, after womans space got involved. Please. Does anyone have an answer?!!!!!!! THANKS, JEFF

  14. Barry says:

    (CANADA)  Recently I went on line to research and was surprised to see how little there is about men in emotionally abusive relationships speaking out. I could not find anything and your site was the only one that came up with anything. Thank you to all who share on this site.

    As a Christian, I can relate. Honorable Christian men do not hit back and also don’t leave in many cases. In my case the emotional abuse which is ongoing had me think more to do with some illness or self worth issues than anger. But the pain is just as real as if she beat me every day with a golf club.

    Emotional abuse and all that goes with it can be just as hurtful as physical abuse and leave scars which take much longer to heal. BTW I’m not just researching, I am living this situation for 20 years and now find myself counting the days until my children are done at the University and I don’t have to stay anymore.

    What is a Christian man/husband to do when they marry a ‘part time Christian’ who grew up with God but never really lived or felt the spirit? He knows that the wife will not change, will not communicate constructively, and will not stop being hurtful and deceitful. Sometimes prayer just isn’t enough. After 20 years the love slowly turns to indifference and the passion is long gone from the marriage and is now fading from life as a result of the ongoing abuse. I am finding a huge correlation between PTSD symptoms and the symptoms of living in an abusive marriage all these years.

    • Mike from United States says:

      20 years of abuse will take its toll physically, mentally and spiritually. I’m sorry to hear that you have allowed your wife to cross over healthy boundaries in your marriage. I hope she is getting counseling as well as you to repair the damage to your psyche.

      I am a Christian and married a Christian woman who was very dedicated to her church and God. She also suffers from what I believe to be BPD. She can be the most loving affectionate woman at times and also very emotionally volatile at times. I have suffered physical, verbal and emotional abuse for 6 1/2 years now. I finally said enough and moved out. I don’t want a divorce but realize that she will not change. She says she does not want a divorce but won’t acknowledge any wrong doing. The reality is you can’t help someone who does not want to be helped. I pray for her and love her but at this time cannot allow the emotional and verbal abuse to continue. I definitely do not want to spend the next 20 years of my life on the roller coaster of her emotions.

      I hope men will stand up for themselves, just as women should stand up for themselves if they are in an abusive marriage. One would never think twice about telling a woman to distance herself from an abuser but when it comes to men being abused many, including pastors and counselors, will encourage them to stay in the abuse.

  15. Alan says:

    (UNITED STATES) I feel that I am financially abused. One of my disabled wife’s favorite past times is shopping. Pretty much that it was not a problem until the house became so cluttered with things and pets that it’s hard to find an electrical outlet so I can vacuum the floor. But now I live in fear every day because my wife orders stuff on TV using QVC and HSN for things like clothes and jewelry several times a week.

    I was fired last year because I couldn’t handle the stress any more at work. And while I was at work my wife was at home ordering stuff from the TV shopping channels. Knowing she had a problem she gave me her credit card but later she fould they had her credit info on file and she didn’t need the physical card. I’ve had several arguments this last week about it and all that did was make her mad and now she is ordering stuff on a daily basis.

    Being out of work it’s just a matter of time before our savings runs out and I won’t be able to pay the mortgage. It’s just such a helpless feeling. I worry about the fate of our pets if I can’t keep a roof over their heads. I just wish she would physically hit me instead of this kind of beating.

    • Victoria says:

      (USA) Pay the mortgage and default on her credit cards. I had to do this in my own relationship to get him to stop charging. The credit card debt was so bad it was taking nearly all our money. The kids were doing without. I was going without things. You have to take a stand.

  16. EWALD says:

    (UNITED STATES) MY WIFE RIPS ME APART AT EVERY OPPORTUNITY, SHE HATES ME WITH HER WHOLE HEART. SHE WANTS ME DEAD. SHE WANTS ME TO COMMIT SUICIDE.

  17. ian says:

    (UK) It is difficult to read some of your stories. But they convey hope and resilience. I am currently emtionally, financially and physically abused. I have two children and fear that my time with them is limited as this relationship is unsustainable. I have learned that you must sometime prioritise yout iwn wellbeing to be strong for others.

  18. Nick says:

    (INDONESIA) Hi. I never knew that there is even any other case in Indonesia where a wife abuses her husband. I am one of the victims, so I am so glad that I finally found this website.

    We were high school friends in the past. We met again when we were grown up, and out of the blue decided to get married to each other. There was no love as the basis for our marriage. We’ve have been married for 9 years since and have one daughter. My wife is a very successful career woman, and is viewed by our family and friends to be more successful than I am and that is perhaps why she verbally, financially, socially and emotionally abuses me.

    I recently met and fell in love with another woman and had an affair with her. She respects, loves and cares for me a lot. My wife found out about this and she was, obviously, really mad and disappointed. I understand that the affair was a mistake, however, I have apologized, broken up with my girlfriend and promised my wife to re-build our marriage for the sake of our daughter. However, now she physically abuses me. She kicked and hit me, even when I did not say anything wrong. I didn’t fight back. I have been following whatever she wants me to do. But, still we fight everyday, and the physical abuse continues.

    We have done counseling the Christian way, but it does not seem to work. I am not sure what else to do, so I would appreciate any advices this network can give me as to what I can do to stop this, because I can’t stand it anymore. Today in the car I told my wife that I will take my mother to Malaysia for a chemotherapy session. She accused me that I was going to go with my girlfriend and started another fight. I then said that if this fight continues, it’s better that we lived separately. Then she hits me in my face. It broke my glasses. I am not sure how long I can stand this.

    I knew that she physically abuses me because of the affair I had, but the financial, social, psychological and emotional abuse started from when we got married. I will thank you any advice.

  19. Judson says:

    (USA) The verbal abuse and emotional abuse from both partners can build up inside of us and rip apart your relationship. When you get mad for any reason you become overwhelmed with ignorance or become temporarily stupid. How you talk to GOD in your prayers is important! When you chose your partner for life we knew what made us at peace, staying on track is hard if you create a climate that is unbearable. If you are due for a climate change in your life, then get together and make it happen, get outside help, if you wait until there is too much bad weather it will be that much harder. My wife and I are now separated and it may be the end of our relationship, but I will never never give up. It will take time, making peace with yourself and forgiving the other. Important changes in the enviroment is the key, the Kingdom of heaven is within us! Once you have learned how to enter your inner kingdom, you have a special retreat within that is always available to you.

  20. Lance says:

    (CANADA) I feel for many of husbands who are going thru many struggles. I, myself, am going thru things with my wife. My wife attends a very extreme pencostal church where she is giving 10% of her income without telling me and without talking about it. We are $32,000 in debt and we are living on credit and when she gives her money to the church we get more in debt. She’s the breadwinner in the family and I have disabilities that make finding a good job very hard.

    On top of this my wife attends church every Sunday and doesn’t get home until 3:00 PM in morning most of the time. She believes that she is doing God’s work by staying out late at night until morning and doing “Church Stuff”. I have called the police on her twice and filed a missing persons report.

    She doesn’t care if she comes home late or not and doesn’t have any respect or concern for me waiting for her to come home. To her, serving God is more important than her marriage, family of friends. Her family is very concerned and I have talked to the pastor. He doesn’t do anything about it because he wants his 10% and he even asks for it from her when he needs the money.

    Also my wife has given me an ultimatum: 1) Accept the way she is being late, giving 10% and serving God OR 2) Leave the marriage. So, I am not sure of what kind of abuse would you guys call this? Anyways, thanks

    • Victoria says:

      (USA) Your comment reminded me of something I seen on the Internet about 6 months ago. You should google the truth about tithing. There are a few YouTube videos on this subject as well. God never intended us to tithe; that is the old Jewish laws, that has been manipulated by the churches for years and years.

      I began searching for information on tithing after attending a church with a pastor that was preaching more than he should about it. I found articles that explained in great detail that tithing as we know it is wrong and provided the facts based on scriptures. God wants us to be happy givers, and to give from the heart.

  21. Samuel says:

    (SOUTH AFRICA) I was abused by my wife who was having an affair with a paster at the same time having another affair with a station commander of a police station. I had to leave MY house for the sake of my kids. Every weekend I was falsely accused of domestic violence, which was false. It was a tool for my wife to have freedom in a double affair she had, and abuse my finances as we have a joint account. It’s true, some men are abused. They have no rights that women have.

    I understand about women being abused. However, some women are using domestic violence as a tool to be abusive due laws that protect women more than men.

  22. Mom says:

    (NEW JERSEY) I am very concerned about my son, he is in a very abusive marriage. His wife hits hit a lot; at one point he bought her a punching bag to hit instead of him. If he does not do what she says to do she will punish him, holding out on their intimate relationship. She also works a lot which is good because she is not home as much. A few days ago he did not do what she wanted and she threw him out of the house; before he left she called me. I heard him crying in the background. He did have to leave and came back in 2 days because she told him to. I am so worried and need advice or a place to go to to be able to help him. She and her family have mental illness very badly, my son needs to get out of there forever and take their children. Very Concerned Mom

  23. Paul says:

    (UNITED STATES) I am not a perfect spouse I have my flaws but I try and be good to my spouse and children. I have been hit and have hit ONE time in what I thought was self defense. I found out different later after being arrested. After that incident I have never made that mistake again. Since then however my spouse has hit me and thrown objects at me and made the remark after she assaulted me, “It’s your word against mine!” I am in law enforcement which makes the stigma even worse. I love her and our children but she can’t stand me or so it seems. Today she called me an “a******” and a “d***” for the way I “act” and how I embarrass her. I work in a very stressful job and I was in the military, she is convinced that I have PTSD although I have gone to get diagnosed and been told by a professional I do not. I took this new job because according to her I had a “s***y” job and didn’t make enough money. Now she complains I am gone all the time and not helping enough with the housework or the kids. She stays at home but has tried to find employment but with my shift work and the cost it would be difficult. I drive 1 hour and 20 min. one way to work. I feel like the worst husband on the face of the earth or she makes feel that way. She says she is a practicing Christian and I am a practicing Catholic. I ask God for help to get me through each day and for our family but it gets tougher and tougher everyday. Help us as a family…….Please.

  24. Dawan says:

    (MALAYSIA) I thought I am alone until I found this website. No, my wife didn’t hit me, but I am suffering from mental abuse so much so that at times I just wanted to end my own life. My love for my son, and my parents are the strength for me to carry on.

    I used to have a big circle of friends, but through the years, it shrank tremendously. First to go were female friends because of her jealousy. Then slowly male friends, as I have not been joining any of their boys night out, and so on. Besides traveling for business, I spent all my time at home, so as not to attract any baseless accusations and suspicion. I do not even play on my computers as usually that will make her uncomfortable, and attracts ridicules like chatting with other girls online and so on. I don’t even talk to female colleagues unnecessary in work…

    If that is the only problem, I am still fine. The major problem is her temper. When she’s in the mood, she is a loving mother and wife. But unfortunately, when she’s in a bad mood, which is quite often and can be triggered by the most minor thing, her temper can flare up within seconds. It’s scary when she starts screaming at the kid. All of us tread very carefully at home. At times, when the hurtful words are unbearable, I just hide in the toilet to cool myself down. I’ve learned to be agreeable to her all the time to prevent any argument, as she won’t listen to any reasoning no matter how mildly I put it across.

    All the years, I have been trying to live a life of a good person, and she has brought the worst out of me. I started cursing her (behind her back of course), look the other way when I think what she is doing is not right, and become a hypocrite. I despise myself sometimes.

    Divorce is out of question, not that I fear of losing the house or financial loss, I would be happy to give up all my money to regain my freedom and out of house. I love my son too much and fear what would become of him if I am not around as divorce would mean I will lose custody of him, which is so unfair under the current court system.

    Many times, I console myself that it will end someday, somehow –with her or my own passing, or when my son is old enough to take care of himself. But sometimes, it is so unbearable that I would pray and ask, how am I to carry on for another 10+ years? Please give me strength to carry on, and please guide me out of this situation.

  25. Arthur says:

    (UK) The problem is recognizing what is the root cause is, and the root cause in my case is/was Narcissistic Personality Disorder! It is extremely hard for a professional psychiatrist to diagnose; only people living with the Narcissist can tell. Does this sound familiar? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rJP0FUk6oWY If you understand the root cause you are better informed to deal with it.

  26. Eran says:

    (TURKEY) I am married for last 3 years. I used to be a happy man with a good income and job. Right now I am in a different country, which is not me or my wife’s homeland.

    Things I am going to write in here are the ones I cannot tell or share with anybody on this earth who knows me in person. They are the sort of things not any man would tell another man as it’s embarrassing. I don’t know where to start! Well lets start with my self-confidence and sense of self-worth, that has all disappeared. I am in a mental and physical bully relationship (I mean I get bitten by my wife and trust me, she is strong and I don’t want to raise my hand on her… NO WAY).

    I’ve started to believe the horrible things she says to me are actually true. My life with her is like walking through a landmine in which the mines shift location every second so it’s hard to guess. Zest and spark for life is being sucked out of me piece by piece more each day. I want for any price or whatever it takes to maintain myself respect. I mean any!!! Even to the extent of ending my ugly life I really feeling I am in a dead end. Hopeless is the right word; I feel hopeless.

    I don’t want to write or tell to anyone who may feel pity for me and try to help, also have no one to share my pain. I know you don’t know me but I used to be a very positive and a happy man. People around me used to enjoy being around me and they used to call me wise man. Now I don’t know what to do. I am a 48 year old man and I don’t know how to help my wife or myself. I feel one of these day, which she pick a knife up to kill me, she will do and it will be too late. You may ask why I am still there? Well, now I have no money to go anywhere or am feeling too old to do somthing about it.

    October 2012 I left my work and opened a new company here in Turkey. With my wife we are working together and share everyday day and night together, which apparently is not a good idea especially with her mental issues. Life gets unbearable to me day by day. I just want to disappear from here and this earth. Since I am with her I spend a few good nights outside of the house but last night she came to me and asked me “to pack my things and f… off”. I spent my last night in the park, which was very cold, but the main question was in age 48 to see how I felt more cold than winter night.

    It’s me who was so passive to let things to get to this stage and get kicked out in the end. The problem this time, I am not in UK and I can’t move. Even if I move… move where? In my home country my father who doesn’t even open the door to me? To England, which I have no place no job? I know it’s the end of the line for me. I made so many mistakes in my life and now it’s time to pay back. Unfortunately the price is so unfair and hard when I think what I’m going to leave behind.

    I love life, I love people, I love to have hope. But feeling so hopelessness right now just kills the rest of my wish list. Thank you guys, if you read this.

    • GodListens says:

      (U.S) Hi Eran, reach out to God, call upon Him for help, for yourself. You are worth so much to him. Pray for your wife, but main thing get close to God and He will show you solutions for your life. You should not stay in abuse relationship, for your safety. I will pray for you. God loves you so much, never forget that.

  27. James says:

    (USA) One tip guys: VIDEOTAPE! My ex-wife tried to lie and have me arrested for raping her daughter. When the police arrived and I was able to SHOW them what she had said they had to remove her! DO NOT give the police the tape! THEY WILL DESTROY IT. Make 3 copies one for your lawyer one for the court and one for her lawyer. You will still most likely be charged but it will make your case easier. Last thing, DO NOT TRUST WOMEN. THEY ARE TRAINED TO USE EVERY LAST LIE AND DECIET THEY CAN AT AN EARLY AGE.

    • Cindy Wright says:

      James, I’m sorry you had a wife who was deceitful. I truly am. But please be careful about telling others not to trust women in general. I was never “trained to use every last lie and deceit at an early age.” And I don’t personally know one who was. You may have come across some bad women, but we’re not all this way. I love my husband, kids, country, and am a very honest and fair person. I can’t even imagine doing something like what you described to anyone. It is detestable. Please don’t judge all “women” by the actions of some you’ve met. And I won’t judge all “men” by some of the abusive ones I’ve met and been victimized by… that just wouldn’t be fair to all the good guys who are out there, including my husband.

  28. B says:

    (UNITED STATES) Only been married 1 year, my wife has attacked me twice physically and has called me every profane name you can think of, even in front of her son. I now have a beautiful daughter with her and it hurts to even think about leaving. I’m praying for strength to endure in this marriage. She threatens me, cusses me out and gets physical when she loses her cool. I have never laid one finger on her even when she attacks me and I have never called out her name.

    She is Christian but is constantly upset and unhappy and holds the smallest thing against me for days and then uses that as her reason for verbal and physical abuse. I’m really afraid that I may one day snap and hit her back. Christians, I need some spiritual advice.

    • Steve says:

      (USA) You have given strong evidence from wife’s behavior that she is NOT a Christian. Not 100% always certain of course, but I speak from experience that there are many professing to be Christian -but have not been truly converted; those who enjoy being around nice, loving people in a church environment, but really care not for the Lord Jesus Christ in their private lives, and have not the fruit of the Spirit coming daily from their character. I would seek a mature believer or pastor who can help you get to the root issue of whether your wife is a true believer. True Christians can do mean things on occasion, but there should always be a spirit of humble repentance and steadily growing more Christlike. If Christ has forgiven us in infinite debt of sin, then how can Christians take out violence on one another and still claim the name? It is extremely crazy-making to have a spouse say they are Christian when the reality is otherwise.

  29. Jason says:

    (CANADA) Please end wife assault now.

  30. Mary from United States says:

    I need some advice. Last year I started taking some classes for a Master’s Degree. When I first registered I needed an override for one of my classes so I got the information to the professor who was teaching the class. When I saw his profile to get his email a voice told me that I was going to get involved with him and that he is married. When class started I saw him for the first time and thought he was cute. During class if I had questions I always asked the TA and not the professor because I was a afraid of getting involved with a married man. I’m not that kind of person at all.

    Well it was the end of the semester and I thought I was safe until he wanted to meet with me and discuss my future plans and where I wanted go to with my degree. I didn’t think anything of it until the next day during class he asked about how I dressed. I asked myself if he liked me. As the last weeks of the semester went by I started noticing little things that he would do such as look at me when I wasn’t looking and blushing when he saw me. At this time I was getting somewhat interested. Another voice told me that he might not be happily married.

    Another instance I noticed was he would take off his wedding ring from time to time. He also bent over backwards for me too. When he did this I wanted to give him something in return. During the exam; which he told me I didn’t have to take; I gave him a gift card from a store I unknowingly knew that he liked. When I walked in his office he gave look as if he liked me and he also wanted a couple of hugs from me. I gave him one but shook has hand the other time. When we departed he looked at me as if he was worried he would never see me again. After our meeting I told him that I had a crush on him and he responded right away and said he was “honored and flattered”.

    A couple of days later he gave me his personal email address since I wasn’t his student any longer. We started emailing each other and he confessed that he wasn’t happy with his marriage and that his wife is abusive. He said that during a discussion she hit him in the face several times and stabbed him with a votive candle. He said he couldn’t leave her because he wants to adopt her kids to get full custody and that the process is long. He told me his wife is from Honduras and there is a lot of crime and poverty there and it is not a great environment. I agreed with him about getting full custody because to me the US is a better country.

    We met for the first time in January and he also told me to be patient because his wife is also possessive and she might do something. A few weeks later his emails started to slow down somewhat. Instead of emailing me every couple of days it turned to once a week and sometimes every two weeks. He said his wife has been using his computer even though she has her own. He also told me she somehow fell down the stairs and that she needed bed rest and he had to take care of the children. He also told me that his wife speaks very little English, as well. Every once and a while we meet where he works.

    I am very strong in my faith and when I first heard the voice tell me about getting involved with the professor, I was staring at a picture of Jesus in my brothers room. My brother has a Masters degree in Theology and is strong in his faith as well. On his shelf are saints and books on them.

    I really like this guy and I would do anything for him. I pray about it everyday. Something in my heart is telling me he is being truthful and to be patient but I still worry a little bit. In my life I have been through a lot of hurt and disappointment. After we meet sometimes he says he feels guilty about us meeting.

    • Cindy Wright from United States says:

      Mary, This probably isn’t the most appropriate topic to post this comment into and for us to respond because this is more of an emotional (and perhaps even a physical –you don’t say) affair (even though he claims that his wife has been abusive). There are other topics on this web site that are more relevant, but I’ll respond in this forum because this is where you posted. I don’t know all of the circumstances, but I can say that this man appears to be a “player” because of some of the things you said he did in your comment. He may (or may not) have a good marriage (because I’ve seen it before where some people say things that aren’t true when they are prone to cheat), but the ways in which he has already flirted with you and such, tells me that he isn’t a very honorable person. He may be appealing in many ways, and appear to be truthful, but the fact that he is playing with you shows that he isn’t –no matter what his wife does or doesn’t do. He is still married and married men (and women) shouldn’t flirt with anyone other than his or her spouse. He is also a father and an honorable father doesn’t act this way, cheating on their mother while he is still married to her. What he is doing behind their backs is not honorable either and if they knew it, their hearts would break and also this would teach them that it’s okay to cheat if the circumstance seems to fit his or her fancy.

      Mary, I would run, not walk away from this man and this situation. You are tainting your heart too. You are playing with a married man. Is that something you think Jesus would say is okay? It’s cheating, no matter what the circumstance. He is cheating and you are cheating with him –not good. You’re better than that. Don’t cheapen yourself or get involved in such a messy, complicated, wrong, and tainted relationship. He isn’t yours to have. Don’t be “patient” and wait for him; choose better for yourself and for your future.

      Also, if this guy cheats on his current wife and children, what makes you think that if he divorces them and marries you, you will be safe from his cheating on you someday? I can also tell you that if you get together, your whole future together will be tainted because of the original start of your relationship. Charms are fleeting. He may be charming and attractive and cute, but in the long run, you are playing with fire here, and the charm will be burned up, as well as time goes on. Please stop because you and many others will eventually get burned by it. Raise your standards. Feeling “guilty” is only a start of the mess you are taking upon yourself and what he is taking upon himself, if you continue to grow this relationship. I hope you will prayerfully consider all of this.

  31. Toyia from United States says:

    My brother’s second and third wives abused him. He took injuries for a long time without lifting a hand. He stayed with his third wife because he loved her but also because he loved her children. She verbally and physically abuses them also. Two weeks ago, his 17 year old stepson, that he loved, shot and killed him. The young man had gotten into an argument with his mom that morning and pulled out a gun and threatened suicide while driving my niece and his sister to school. When my niece knocked the gun from his hand, he grabbed it and started waving it at them. They told a teacher and school counselor who never called the police.

    At 7:25 pm, my other niece talked to my brother on the phone while he was driving home from work. He was happy but was going to confront his step son and my sister in law about the incident that morning. At 7:55, the 911 call was made saying that my brother “was drunk and hit his wife so the stepson shot him.” The boy was arrested and charged with murder but released on $2500 bail. The local papers and TV stations reported that abusive husband was shot by a stepson defending his mom.

    At the funeral, my brother’s wife had no bruises or visible signs of violence yet my brother had bruises and looked like his noise had been broken. We are devastated. My brother’s 3 daughters and 1 son are fatherless. The DA is currently gathering all the evidence. I am a woman. I have a new awareness of a silent problem. I am praying that God we’ll help me forgive and to work diligently at making others aware of the reality of husband abuse and how quickly the media judges. This has all been do surreal.

    • Cindy Wright from United States says:

      I’m so very sorry for the loss of your brother. How tragic! How I wish the voice of men who are abused would be, could be heard. People who are unaware seem to slam their ears shut to truth when this type of abuse is brought out into the open. Most people will only believe that women can be abused… how wrong they are, as you know only too well. My heart goes out to you and your family… so, so sorry. I lost a brother several years ago (though it wasn’t under such horrific circumstances), so I know a portion of your pain. I cry with you and with the injustice of it all. May we be resolved to bring this out into the open as best we can so this truth can be revealed and dealt with, as it should be!

  32. Sujan from United Kingdom says:

    My wife always hits me.

  33. Dee-Dee from Canada says:

    I have a question concerning a family member. His wife was abusive and he kept it to himself but some were aware that she was a spit fire. She would fly off the handle and the family member restrained her, or left. The last incident she flew off the handle and started pinching and trying to hit, he grabbed her arms, they fell on the bed and when he got up his knee was on her chest. She called the cops and she said just to get her things out of the home. They arrested both of them.

    Now my family member never hit her. He only restrained her to prevent her from hitting him. His wife has since made him out to be an abuser among family friends and her family. They do not know both sides. Does anyone know, is there any way to not be charged or have a criminal record? Is a man not allowed to prevent a woman from hitting him? What was he to do???

  34. Brian Good-Memories Thames from United States says:

    Abused men, I am so sorry for you.
    I know how you feel.
    You feel like if you tell someone then people will call you a pimp.
    Then if you don’t it will continue to happen.
    But I want you to know I will be praying for you.
    So now you know that someone cares about you.
    Now you know you’re not alone.
    People consider you the tough ones.
    But they don’t see the pain you’re going through.
    They think you’re the violent ones
    But I know deep down you’re really hurt inside
    So you don’t have to feel alone because I will be here for you
    By Brian Thames

Marriage Missions International