Marriage Missions International

Husband Abuse: Can a Wife Abuse Her Husband?

Dollar Photo - Psychotic WomanWhen we think of abuse or domestic violence, we don’t often hear or think about the husband being the victim. It’s usually the wife who is the reported sufferer. Yet more and more it’s coming out into the light that many husbands are victims of spousal abuse, as well.

So why don’t we hear about husbands being abused by their wives? David L. Fontes, Psy.D, in the article titled, “Men Don’t Tell” gives insight into several reasons. He writes:

“When a man is a victim of his wife’s physical abuse he is both shamed by the assaults of his wife and shamed by society for not ‘controlling’ her better. Men are considered ‘wimps’ for letting their wives beat them or for complaining about their wives’ attacks. For many men ‘taking it like a man’ means don’t complain and don’t show you are vulnerable or in pain!

“With the prospect of being viewed as ‘wimps’ and/or having the assaults by their wives not believed or minimized by the general public and law enforcement, it’s no wonder few men report their abuse or discuss it openly.”

We, at Marriage Missions, can testify that it’s difficult for men to report their abuse and find help —especially in the Christian community. We’ve received a number of letters from husbands who are dealing with their wives abusive and sometimes very violent behavior. They write that they want to be honorable men and won’t hit or abuse back, but they don’t know what to do to stop their wives from hurting them in these ways.

We’ve tried to find articles —especially Christian articles and web site postings, written on this subject to help them. But there seems to be very, very little help available.

Does that mean that it’s less important to minister to the hurting husband as it is to the hurting wife, even though the numbers “appear” to be less? Should a husband just accept and silently suffer from abusive behavior, if it is directed at him from his wife? No. Abuse is wrong no matter who is victimizing the other, male or female.

Maxine Marz wrote a article titled, “Husband Abuse Erodes Dignity” where she had the following to say on this issue:

“While it is true that most physical assaults caused by women tend to be less severe when compared to a man’s physical assault on a woman with his fist or a weapon, the abusive woman’s slaps, bites, kicks and/or pulling of her partner’s hair are nevertheless still very hurtful because, in addition to subjecting physical pain, they attack the man’s dignity and erode his sense of self-worth. Many men also encounter emotional abuse when their abusive spouse turns to using their children to assert her control over them and their relationship.

“To add insult to injury, some abusive women not only victimize their spouses by abusing them verbally, emotionally, financially and/or physically, but they also attempt to manipulate the criminal justice system in their favour and against their partner. This unconscionable attempt of some abusive women not only re-victimizes their already abused husbands by denying them equal rights and fair protection under the law, but it simultaneously devalues and undermines the admirable progress women’s groups have achieved over the years in trying to protect the rights of legitimately abused wives and their children in the criminal courts.

“It is evident that our society has made positive strides over the years to bring needed attention to domestic abuse and to better protect women from their abusive husbands or partners. Unfortunately, based on what many abused husbands currently experience, we still have a long way to go to afford them with similar protection of their safety and security and to eliminate the current gender bias in our system that re-victimizes them all over again when they step into the legal arena.”

To help bring this type of victimization out into the open, we will provide several web site links to articles that you can read on this subject. We hope that it will not only give voice to their dilemma, but will also help husbands to better protect themselves and put up proper boundaries in the ways that they should.

The following is a Youtube video that shows a little taste of what some men go through as far as abuse. This is not a marriage situation, but a boyfriend/girlfriend one where she is assaulting him in different ways, with part of it being caught on camera. It’s part 1 of a Tyra Banks television show that featured abusive women. The quality of this video isn’t the best, but the content is enlightening. Please watch and you will see a small part of what some men go through:

You know, what struck me about the story featured here is that if that man would have done that to her, and confessed to that type of abuse, I believe with all my heart that the audience would have been outraged. But the woman was absolutely clueless as to the gravity of it all, and the audience didn’t seem as moved, like they would have been if a woman was getting berated and such by the man. If he was hitting on her and acting as she did to him, the outrage over the whole matter would have been ramped up. But because it’s a woman hitting and berating a man, it’s more palatable. It shouldn’t be, because abuse is wrong no matter who commits it, but that’s the way society views that type of thing. This is so, so wrong.

On a further note, the articles linked below, consist of stories of battered men (some being followers of Christ and others who are not) who share their life experiences of being battered by various women. Please read what they have written. Abused men and husbands need to be heard too:



The following articles and blogs are posted on various web sites that deal with the subject of husband abuse and battered men. These articles are not posted on Christian web sites, so please be aware of that. However, we believe they still give good insights and provide a lot of helpful information. We encourage you to glean what is good —that which lines up with Biblical standards, and throw away that which doesn’t apply to your situation and that which the Lord shows you NOT to use. Let the Lord be your guide.

Please click onto the links provided below to read:

MY SPOUSE HITS ME – Can a Wife Abuse Her Husband?


Why Men in Abusive Relationships Remain Silent


We also want to remind husbands to read other articles that are provided on this web site in the “Abuse in Marriage” section. We recognize that they mostly address wives (sorry about that), but we encourage you to ask God to show you how you can apply the advice that is given to your own situation. God can show you what advice you can, and what you shouldn’t or won’t be able to use.

Ask your “Wonderful Counselor” the Holy Spirit to reveal to you how to adapt different advice given, to apply to your particular situation. We hope you will and we hope you will find the help you need. May He help you as you reach out to Him —that is our prayer for you.

This article is written by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International.


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210 Responses to “Husband Abuse: Can a Wife Abuse Her Husband?”
  1. Dumisani from South Africa says:

    Hi, I’m one of the abused husbands. I’m married and physically abused and I don’t want to hit back.

  2. Amanda from United States says:

    My neighbor was verbally abused by his wife. I would hear her yelling at him. He may have been physically abused but I never saw it. He told others she didn’t love him anymore and drove him nuts. He just hung himself a few days ago.

  3. Anonymous from United States says:

    I have a wife that is passive aggressive, which withholds love and affection. She tells me she loves me but all her body language and behavior, tells me otherwise.

    She experienced CSA and I feel that is a big part of our marriage issues that are never resolved. She minimizes the affect that had on her. She has zero conflict resolution skills. If pressured to discuss our problems, she is hostle/angry but she would much rather practice avoidance. She always finds a way to be the “victim”. She seems to view me as competition. After 30 years of marriage I am contemplating divorce. Has anyone else experienced this type dilemma? Would this be considered abuse?

    • Matt from United States says:

      I am in the exact situation and worst part with my case is she’s with the advise of her mother and step father who live 5000 miles away from us in our country. Constantly create sin and deliberately starts to argue and the shouting and screaming and tries to push me to my limits to get physical with her and the press charges against me in order to kick me out of the house that I purchased before marrying her and has even no equity on it! she works and keeps all the money and do not spend a dime and basically use the house as a free hotel and there is nothing I can do. I asked her million times to sign a settlement agreement and get divorce after 6 months because we do not have any child but she refuses and wants to make it as ugly as possible because she has a sick manipulative mind. In Virginia if there is no child with a settlement agreement you can get divorce otherwise you have to wait and suffer 12 months then court will decide to hear your case.(this is called justice!!) I can not afford to move because the mortgage is under my name and have to pay that plus rent for new place for 12 months even after that it will take a while for judge to order her to move out or not because she won’t be able to finance the house on her name either. I have been taken as a hostage and there is nothing I can do and this situation emotionally and psychologically is killing me and breaking me. I pray God to help me over come this.

      • Odinseye from United States says:

        Sir, I have lived in a similar situation for 33 years. I married my wife at Ft Monro, then left for 3 and a half years, as you know the needs of the navy come first. When I came home it was my father, the community I was coming back to and the job I was on Military leave from, that were influencing my Bi Polar wife. The Midwestern state I live in had a guardianship slapped on me the second day I was back.

        My father wanted me to not disrupt other lives by using my Accrued seniority at the transmission plant I worked in. I came back with more than 60 percent of the 7000 person work force. He wanted me to observe special privilege in the community, work instead of the children of high political and social figures in the community rather than taking the jobs, shifts, holidays, vacation slots and even weekends. He even told me the one instruction I was expected to follow was to shut up and do as I was told.

        My wife said just for a short time if I did not cause any anger or take something someone else needed then she would allow our marriage to become right. Because she was Bi Polar, Scizo effective the state wanted more than I could ever come up with and denied a divorce on those grounds. I was forced to stay sexless, work 12 hours a day every day until 2009 when I became so depressed I developed MRSA in my spine.

        The six days I was allowed off by my father and coworkers was around getting a tumor removed from my brain stem July 31 2001. My father felt I was causing too much havoc with peoples vacations that really needed them.

        After MRSA I was In rehab 3 more years and upon my return home I found my wife in a new dress getting ready to go to a political fund raiser with my fathers best friend. This was not my proudest day. First I told my wife that I was now home and expected my life to be as any other husbands life, sex included. I told her what she owed me for 31 years of supporting her while she played social butterfly. I told her that if she walked out the door she was not coming back in.

        Crying she stood there and tried to deal with me, she said I could pick anywhere to meet and she would get my mother, father and any one else that needed a say in my life. Now that I was a cripple I would be told what I was and was not going to be allowed. That really did not fly; she said the last 12 years were hell enough out of me why did I need to make things worse. I told her there was nobody that had anything to say about what I was allowed, especially her or my father.

        I said I never wanted to hear that there is always tomorrow, I needed to look at the glass half full or the words you will be told what you are ALLOWED. I told her the next time I heard any of them somebody was going to lose their teeth. She tried running for the door to see about getting some help to restrain me when I ripped her dress off, then I tore the rest of what she wore off her. She was begging please can’t we come to some arrangement to slow this down. I said why, you have been the community girlfriend for 25 years or more.

        I took the first payment from her in sex that I felt was due, My fathers friend thought he could push me out of the way to talk to my wife and ended up hitting face first in the driveway. The last 2 years she thinks I have turned everyones life into hell. She asked me yesterday how does it feel to leave me friendless, your father with a broken neck and everyone so scared of you we had to move 1230 miles to this wild area in the west.

        She said you became worse when you were supposed to be in a wheel chair the rest of your life. She said were your rights so important you had to take them the way you did, It did not take me a second to answer. Yes they were that important. It was not my responsibility to kiss everyones rear the way I was forced to. I was never asked if I would give up a vacation, a holiday or a weekend, I was just told by you, dad and some of his friends I was going to, I was told I was not taking the shift, or the job I wanted because someone else was more deserving of what I earned. I told her if she wants space there is 2500 square miles of nearly empty on the other side of the door, she could go though it and in a week or two I would follow the vultures to where she was at.

  4. Mohamed from Turkey says:

    Worst part of life is when you want to start a new life with a new person and in a new country this girl I met in the USA, while I was with my familly on a vacation couple of months. Later we got to know each other and we got married. After marriage this girl flipped 180. She abused me, raised her hands surprised; she takes kok and marijuana. She has shown me her other face.

    I got hit a lot of times but never complained cuz God is there I had always believe in God. At the end she called the cops on me. They took me. She stole my stuff and ran away and disappeared. My life is destroyed. I left the USA but for bad can’t go back to where I lived and where my family is. I feel abused to death.

  5. Faz from United Kingdom says:

    Hi, I get abused by my wife. She hits me and gives mental abuse all the time. I get accused of cheating when I’m not. Every time I have to show my phone to her to prove it was a customer who texted me and it’s a guy and if it’s a woman then I get slapped in the face. I’m not allowed to go out to see my mates cause they might take me were there are women. If I go to see my parents then I get accused that I go there to call my kids and talk to my ex mrs. If I send presents to my kids she starts breaking things in the house. But I find it hard to leave her. Can anyone help?

    • From Holland from Netherlands says:

      Hello, I know this is a late reply, but I wanted to comment anyway. I am a teenage girl; I found this article while browsing the net. I just wanted to say that you should also consider your children. I have a few friends who’s parents are divorced and it can be very difficult when they get a new partner, especially if that partner doesn’t like them.

      She is preventing you from interacting with your children and you are listening to her. Your children will probably see this as you saying that she is more important to you than they are.

  6. Grfefef from United States says:

    Women can’t beat men up. This is all just for a show, so stop posting this false stuff.

    • Jrlh from United States says:

      There are lots of ways to be abused that are not physical abuse. Living day in and day out with someone who criticizes everything that you do…Day in and Day out, You’re an idiot…stupid…If you say “why do you call me stupid?”…You get….”I don’t know why you’re stupid”. Or “I am not going to lie about it.” If you say I Love You…you get, “No you don’t.”…or “that’s nice.”…or, “I don’t like you.”…if you say “yes you do.”…then it’s…”Whatever you want to tell yourself.”

      You can’t do enough for them. You wait on them hand and foot…It does not change how they treat you. They lock their computer but you better not lock yours though. Better not call your kids…Or when your kids do come to visit, you will get in trouble for ignoring her for them.

      I have never cheated on my wife, but I may as well have, because in her mind I have on numerous occasions. Then there is the good…She will treat you like a king on occasion…splurge on you, make you feel like you two are really close…Until the next argument when she tells you she hates you and wishes you were dead. And don’t ever cry in front of her because she will then taunt and ridicule you telling you you are acting like a baby. It is sad….especially when you really do love this person…or at least with the person they have been on occasion.

      • Missy from United States says:

        You are correct. To me mental abuse hurts worse than the physical abuse. Pain goes away after a while when you’re being hit, but mental abuse tears a way at your soul every day. I’m a woman, but I know that men can be abused also. I felt compelled to write you, because I go through this also every day, to the point that I feel I cannot go on another day. I cry almost every day, not because the physical abuse, but the words that he uses to hurt me.

        Don’t be ashamed for the tears you’ve shed out of pain from the person that you love. Those tears show you have a heart and you care. I would have done anything to see emotion from my husband, just to know there was even a little part of love left for me in him. He says he does love me, but what he loves is that he has control over me and he knows that I’m a faithful person, and no matter what he has done to me, I still stay. I stay mostly out of fear, and also the hopes the man I fell in love with will come back to me.

        When we first met, I had my own home, car, and a good job. Slowly I lost everything, and he has all control, to the point I get an argument from him if I even ask for 5 dollars. I’ve been reading a lot of people’s stories from men and women, and when it comes to abuse it doesn’t discriminate when it comes to gender.

        It has changed who I am. I think about how I used to be. I loved the outdoors, water skiing, snow skiing, horses, and a lot more. I coached cheer leading and was involved in community activities. I was so out going, and now I hide from the world. I want so bad to get rid of the pain I feel every day, and I’m scared that person is gone forever. I recently started going back to school through an online college. It has been a blessing to me, because I’ve poured my sadness into school. I am 43, but it has given me hope again for something better. I’ve kept a 4.0 GPA, and it has made me feel better about myself, and is something he hasn’t been able to take from me.

        I hope things will get better for you. I can feel your pain in your writing, and will pray for you. I wish I could help and give you answers on what to do, but I cannot because I haven’t been able to change my own situation. Love to me is loving a person even through their faults. I definitely don’t have that. I hope that I can find the strength to realize that it’s better to start from scratch than to be abused and hurt every day. And whatever you decide that is right for you, I hope you find some peace in your heart and life. God Bless You!

    • Jan from United States says:

      You can’t be serious.

      • Tim from United States says:

        Says the abuser.

      • Roger from United States says:

        It is very serious. If I routinely am punched in the face by my wife that is something. Even if she isn’t able to land a punch hard enough to hurt me, she is still punching as hard as she can. The rage behind punching someone as hard as you can is the big issue here. That rage can lead to her breaking things like glass or stabbing or even poisoning you.

        Sometimes a simple argument can turn into the woman calling 9-11 just to watch as police officers do her dirty work as henchmen. This can ruin your entire life let alone leave you in a state of total trauma.

    • Abusivewoman from United States says:

      As an alcoholic for 7 years, but now a recovering alcoholic for several months now, I can personally state that it’s possible for women to beat up men. I abused my husband verbally and mentally EVERY time I drank but it was also common place for me to hit, kick, scratch, and shove him. It took him 7 years of this abuse and my older sons (all outweigh me and are taller) for him to lose it and hit me back. The police were called by a neighbor and the police arrested my husband for fighting back when I attacked him with a hard plastic bottle of condiment beating him on the head and face.

      Try to tell anyone that I started it or he protected himself from an out of control drunk and all I hear is that I’m a victim and it’s natural for me to claim fault or enable him!!! Sadly, his arrest sobered me up, but it will take me a lot of time to forgive myself, if ever.

      We were together 24 years without him ever hurting me or anyone, clean record of any crime in his life. Now we’re kept apart by court order until they settle the matter in court and maybe even after that. So unless you know what you’re talking about, probably better to stay silent than to speak of things you have no experience with. (Grfefef)

      • BIP from United States says:

        Accountability. Thank you for sharing your story, I am involved with a batterer’s Intervention program and it is refreshing to see offender’s of spousal/partner abuse take full responsibility of their actions. There is a growth in the percentage of reports of Men who are battered. Your story of alcohol driven assaults are unfortunately very common in Domestic Violence cases as well as the legal outlook of the circumstances of the men being charged as the aggressor. Education and awareness is the key to change. Violence against another person is wrong PERIOD.

    • Chris from United States says:

      I wish that was true but I swear on my life it’s far from not. I’ve been with my wife 3 years now and we recently got married. Since the marriage it’s gotten worst. 2 weeks before thanksgiving I had to get stitches over my left eye and also had a busted mouth. Before this I had a black eye. Her family knew about it and laughed. I guess they figured because I’m much older and I work out I should be able to handle it.

      I’ve been verbally, emotionally, physically and even financially abused by her and the saddest thing is that I can’t let her go. If I try to break up with her she throws things, destroys stuff in the house, and if I walk away she attacks me even worse. Her family now thinks I’m the abusive one because I actually hit her back the last time when I got the stitches, so now everyone thinks I’m the abuser. Her brother witnessed her in action a few months back but his loyalty is to his sister so it doesn’t matter.

      Her best friend and 2 of my closest friends witnessed her attacking me after a night out and they couldn’t believe it; they we’re shocked. I love her and as foolish as it may sound I will always stick by my wife because when times are good we have the best times together. She comes from a broken home and had had a horrible upbringing. I know this is no excuse but she does love me, she just had this uncontrollable anger. So as for your comment I swear to you is very much true!

      • DJ from United States says:

        I’ve been married for 7 years. We moved near her family over 2 years ago. Since then she has gotten on Xanex, meth, alcohol, and smokes pot. She has berated me, called me a loser, and worse. She cheated on me with over 10 different men in these two years, three of which were in my own home while I was at work. I walked in on her passed out with her sister’s boyfriend one night. I never got violent; I yelled at him to get out. When my wife found out that I told her sister she started beating on me, blacking my eye, and swelling half my face before I finally got her out of the house.

        Recently we were taking her sister’s home and she was raging at her, then at me. We were driving about 55 mph when she hit me in the mouth and I reacted swinging my arm out and hit her in the nose and broke it. It was totally an accident and not intentional, but now she’s using it against me berating me saying she wants a divorce.

        I have no where to go and hardly any money. I’m trying to save up enough for a small RV just to get away. The worst part is we have two kids involved. She told everyone here and now they all hate me. So I know what you’re going through. Be strong and God will see you through. I finally had to realize that all the anger being built up is not good for me, my wife, and especially my children. If she isn’t willing to change and admit her part in it then you’re just beating your head against a wall.

    • Andrew from Australia says:

      I have recently extricated myself from a very toxic situation which lasted three years. Despite both of us having flaws, my second wife appeared to be an ideal partner for me. She was generous, kind, understanding and supportive. We were in mutually agreed upon counselling to deal with past family issues, particularly abuse by her ex-husband upon her and her children.

      Sadly, however, she began to verbally abuse me, lost all interest in my life and goals, broke important promises she had made prior to the wedding and maintained a “so what?” attitude when I complained about any of this. The abuse began as psychological and verbal, including unprovoked swearing, put-downs in front of her children and our friends, accusations of infidelity and so on. Between these outbursts were times of calm and even happiness, but I came to dread her next outburst. It seemed inevitable, regardless of any strategies employed to calm her when she started to act aggressively.

      Her preferred times of abuse were just after I had fallen asleep, when I woke up or at the dinner table in front of the children. The saddest thing was watching the kids, who seemed to regard her behaviour as normal, even somehow comforting. I left several times, only to be enticed back by more promises; acknowledgment of the abuse and a commitment to “try harder”, remorse, even begging. Month by month, the abuse became worse, rising to slapping and hitting. Finally, she spat in my face and told me to go and die with my father. I left. Even after this final insult she continued to contact me, trying to get me to come back to her. She regards herself as a victim, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

      Many professionals maintain a belief that any woman’s violence is the “fault of men”. So, of course, she can’t get help to address her problems, since even professionals won’t acknowledge the real problem. This in turn means I can never return to a woman I love, despite everything she put me through. Until family violence is acknowledged as a HUMAN problem, not a GENDER problem, there will be little resolution in situations such as this.

      • Gregg from United States says:

        Why do women always cast themselves as the victim? Every single time, without failure, they are the victim. Can anyone tell me once where a woman has admitted fault and acknowledged that she was NOT a victim in any way? I’ve never seen it before, though I’m young (25). Maybe I haven’t hung around the right women. But all the women I’ve been friends with or had deeper relationships with, have always loved playing the victim card.

        Anyway, I specifically replied to you, out of all the stories posted on here, because it was the most recent and because it struck a chord somewhere near my heart. I’m hoping for the best for you. Sounds like your woman is toxic and is capable of hurting you very deeply if given the chance. Tread very carefully in the next few months. Please take care of yourself. I’m rooting for you: I hope everything works out, okay? Take good care.

    • Kenneth from United States says:

      While my wife can’t beat me, I’m restricted in my response to her physical abuse. If I turn to punch her, now I’m a wife abuser!!

  7. Chris from United States says:

    I cheated on my wife in revenge for her hitting me. How do we fix our marriage?

  8. Battered Husband from Australia says:

    For the last 7 years I have been emotionally, verbally and more recently physically abused by my wife. Last year I called the police seeking advice on where to turn for help and as I as on the phone she started punching me non-stop. I didn’t dare respond for fear I would be arrested. The police were sent around and they placed a domestic violence protection order on her telling her to be of good character or she would be arrested next time. She has abused me again and even worse since then and it’s every time her period comes.

    I know she has Pre Menstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD) and birth control pills helped, but she refuses to believe she has a problem and stopped taking them; since then the attacks have intensified. I’ve been a missionary and had a successful film & television career. I’ve lost my business because of all her demands for finances and sending money back to her family.

    I finally gave myself a heads up when to expect her period and sure enough right on cue she starts acting out again. I ended up being punched and kicked and almost sent through glass french doors, she also kicked the coffee table and sent a glass flying to the floor where it smashed to smithereens all around my feet. Thankfully I wasn’t injured, but it took me half an hour to get over to the sofa safely. I’ve just been diagnosed with diabetes and I have to look after my feet or else it could end up in amputation.

    The worst part is she doesn’t think she has a problem and is a professional victim.

  9. Bill from United States says:

    I’ve been going through a lot of problems with who is now my ex and I am still going through them. She has managed to get the police on her side in this problem and I have been arrested. It started off with a judge giving her a restraining order against me but allowing her to drink at a bar 200 feet from my house and hanging out at cleaning her clothes when they offer that at her apartment. The back door opens up to the front of my house and the drive by around my house with eyes witness her pulling in my driveway to most recently her sending me a naked picture of herself. The police won’t do anything about it. Instead they threaten me with another arrest. I need help; I’m not sure where to turn from here.

  10. Jon from United States says:

    I am a disabled man, and I am verbally, emotionally, financially abused.

  11. James from United States says:

    Hello my name is James,in 2012 I met a woman online and she seamed to be very kind sweet and loving. Since day one she kept putting pressure for me to marry her,then in November she sent me in the mail a marriage license application. I had never been married before and I wanted to be married but I wanted to get to know someone first. Well she didn’t want to wait, and when I told my family I might be getting married and that thought it might be good, they told me not to trust her because we had never met in person.

    I should have walked away from her, but I fell in love. Then a childhood friend of me and my family told me they where going to take me up to Manchester Iowa where she lived so I could marry her. I was told by everyone not to do it but I did. I quit my job to go up with them and we arrived on the 17th of December 2012 Sally Ann and I were married by judge in the court house. For the first couple of weeks everything was fine then it seamed like all at once she started arguing with me. I wasn’t looking for work, I didn’t love her, I wasn’t taking care of her and paying all the bills. It was her apartment provided by the city as she was on disability. She is a very unhealthy woman and takes a whole drawer full of pills from her doctor.

    It’s been getting worse ever since I recently lost my job and all the time when I was working she kept trying to get me to quit my job because the managers where very abusive to me there too and getting it at home too I couldn’t do my job without worry of being fired or kicked out of my home by my wife or fired from my job.

    Ever since I was terminated my wife has been very hateful and abusive to me. I feel like walking on egg shells no matter what I do. I don’t even want to be here but I have nowhere to turn. What can I do? I need help! What can I d? Please tell me, James

  12. Eugene from United States says:

    I need help. I have no where to go. I have no family to help. My wife left me (abandoned) in 2010 for another man. In 2012 I lost my job, my home and my car. I have no other family so my wife allowed me to stay on her couch, where I’ve been since. She makes me pay $300 a week to stay at her house. She uses comments saying I’m doing it for my daughter but I need personal supplies and meds for my health and she goes bipolar on me. She uses guilt trips on me.

    I’ve got bills I need to pay and IRS issues to tend to but she finds every reason why she needs all my money. I have a car that needs fixed but she won’t allow me to save money to fix it. All I do is work 60 hours a week and come home. I don’t go anywhere unless she takes me or I walk. She doesn’t care about me. All she cares about is the money. I can’t live this way but I have no way to get out because of no money. Help me get help.

  13. Phillip from Australia says:

    My wife did the same to me hitting and scratching me. I’ve been trying for 3 dayw to get her charged. Ring the police commissioner -got a little justice. I’ve been just puting up with it other times but this time I was holding my son in my arms, plus I had my mother watching everything. I kicked her out of the house now I’ve been charged for grabbing hold of her, and pushing her outside the house hard. She fell over and got a black eye. It’s just not fair, and the way the police treated me as bad.

  14. Keith from United States says:

    I live in an abusive marriage. She is a drunk and any little thing sets her off. The latest she struck me so many times in the head and my head swelled up. I finally called the police and she was arrested for assult. Her family is blaming me because I called the cops and now her kids (my step kids) will not have their mom at home. She is in jail so they are condoning her actions. They are also griping about the money they’re having to put out for her to get help. Yet I’m here trying to figure out how to pay bills. I’m condemned for doing the right thing.

  15. Terence from United States says:

    I am married. My wife pushes me to the limit. Over the years she’s tried to fight me many times poking me in the face, verbal abuse at times. One day I had enough. She hounded me all that day for no reason trying to fight me so I snapped. We hit the roof. I really lost it and slapped her a few times telling her I’m tired of it. Now she says I’m an abusive husband and I’m not. Now she’s still doing the same thing again trying to provoke me to hit her like I did that first and only time. Please help me. Am I an abusive husband? I don’t know what to do.

    She says she love me. She say she is sorry that she loses control. When she visits her family or her family visits us, when they leave or she comes back home, she seems to pay me no attention like I’m not around. After a few days she’s back to herself. Is it a fact that I go thru these things because her family is a very violent group of people? …Please help.

    • Bob from United States says:

      I’ve been married to my wife for 25 years but she didn’t start out abusive although she could never control her spending. When we met I paid all her credit cards, paid for our wedding, and paid money she owed her father. I love her very much.

      The abuse started after we had our 3 children and I lost employment for a short period of time. She makes decisions that affect me without asking me; spending money on credit cards including large purchases buying 2 dogs and not helping with the care of the dogs (daily feeding washing etc.) It falls on me. She treats me poorly and insults me in front of my children and they have started doing it.

      Finally after 10 years of this I separated the credit cards and proportionally separated the bills. She punishes me by not doing any of the house chores. For a short period of time after my heart attack she picked up some of the chores, but she has reverted back to her old ways. I am up cleaning & doing laundry at 5 am before work for our family. I make my wife coffee in bed every morning and hope that things will get better.

      I do stand up for myself but she always twists my words and I don’t want to be to aggressive and abusive like her and give the children a bad view so I just repeat what she says in a question like manner so she can hear what she sounds like.

      40% of the time she is in a good mood but the other 60% I feel trapped and pray that it will get better.

    • Garret from France says:

      If she is able to make you snap and hit her back, she wins. She will call the police and blame the whole thing on you. They’ll see the slap mark on her face or arm. It won’t matter if you are bruised and bloodied. You will be the one who is taken to jail. In the end, everyone will believe her side of the story (that you are a violent abusive husband who beats her every day) because you’re in jail, after all. Your life ruined. Leave her while you still can.

  16. Brandon from United States says:

    My wife believes whole heartedly that she’s right on so many things. When I want to try and compromise with her she goes into this stage that if I don’t agree with her then I’m stupid or other things. I stand my ground and try to find different angles to explain to her, but it doesn’t work because she believes she has to be right, even to the point where she slaps me. If I walk away she follows; if I leave the house she locks me out and says that’s what I chose. I finally snapped and pushed her hard, like she was a grown man, and it hurt her. I lashed out and told her that I’m sorry Idid that and that I wish it wasn’t me but I do believe she needs to gain respect from somewhere. I don’t want to hurt her. Should I just leave her and my kids? She won’t go to counseling because she said she doesn’t know what goes on, basically saying I start the fights.

  17. Patrick from United States says:

    My wife of 20yrs once shocked me by requesting for permission so that she can be impregnated by our church pastor. The pastor had been in a 27yrs childless marriage. Of course I refused to grant her the request but little did I know that they had done many things behind my back. She developed rebellion towards me and fortunately God granted us an opportunity to relocate to USA.

    While in US she continued to communicate with him and I happened to read some disturbing messages where she vividly describes the things they were doing in lodgings. She says how he is the man of her life and will fight till they get married. When she realized I have known all about her dirty world she turned against me by calling me all unspeakable names.

    Right now our house is uninhabitable she acts like a lion, children run away from her. Every day she sends me insulting messages just to torment me all of which I always reply with a soft word of “Thank you”. She sometimes takes away my phone for long hours making me unreachable. I feel I don’t deserve this because am also a human being.

  18. Nathan from Australia says:

    When your wife tells you that it’s ok to pull a knife and threaten to kill you if you don’t leave the house, is that a point to be extremely afraid? I don’t know how her mind says that this is ok. I simply cannot understand how her mind works. I have not been a good husband and I concede that, but surely I don’t deserve to be stabbed, again…

  19. Thobi from South Africa says:

    I am a woman. I love my husbend with all my heart. I want to stop hitting him. Please help me. I started hitting him once, when he cheated on me. The 1st time he beat me up. I had 2 blue eyes, my body was sore, my head was heavy but since then he slapped me the other day but now he doesn’t hit me at all, and he’s always accusing me of sleeping around, which I’m not. I’m faithful to him. He once gave me an STI so that hurt me so bad because he’s blaming me while I’m faithful and honest. When he’s drunk he swears at me; that’s why I hit him because he’s abusing me emotionally and I don’t know how to handle it.

    • Rosie from Canada says:

      I feel the same way. I don’t know if it’s a normal reaction to hit someone that hurts you emotionally, I feel like I am going crazy.

  20. William from United Kingdom says:

    It only takes one to have a fight. When she decides to attack you… often whens shes drunk…then you have to back off and go sleep in the car or in the rain. The authorities will not help you as she will lie and you’re disbelieved.

    One way to help not going to prison is to …when she attacks you… lie down on the floor and let her kick you until she becomes tired. But of course this destroys your dignity and the respect from your children.

    The U.N. mandates for human rights protect children first… followed closely for women. Men have no protection under UN human rights. So we suffer …horrendously this physical….emotional…and mental abuse. To not talk about it… “is hiding the problem under the carpet.”

    Women are becomming ever more violent these days because they have ultimate, 100% protection. And their violence and agression is hidden away; they lie and acuse their passive, motivated husbands.

    Solution… Leave and go live in another country as the authorities will victimise you too. And find the “woman of your dreams” …in your dreams.

  21. Rosie from Canada says:

    I have been married for 26 years, my husband always thought that it is his right to have drinks after work on a daily basis, this has damaged our marriage since I have been the primary caregiver for our 4 children and he is not really involved with our family unless it includes drinking.

    Our marriage has suffered greatly in the last 5 years since he hooked up with an alcoholic neighbor. I was even pulled into this drinking lifestyle and I joined in so I could fit in. But this made things worse. My husband always critizes me, calls me names, blames me for all our problems and will always look for people to drink with even if I dont approve because I cant tell him what to do.

    I am very frustrated, angry, hurt, lonely and unhappy. Lately our fights have gotten physical and I attack him by hitting him and lashing out at him. I wanted to know if my behaviour is normal, he is always calling me obscene names.

    • Cindy Wright from United States says:

      Hi Rosie, You ask if hitting your husband is wrong if you’re “frustrated, angry, hurt, lonely, and unhappy.” I think you know the answer to that without anyone telling you. If your children started attacking each other by “hitting and lashing out” what would you do and say? Would it be okay since they are frustrated? No. It’s inappropriate no matter what age or gender. Your husband shouldn’t hit (or verbally abuse) you, and you shouldn’t hit (or verbally abuse) your husband –no matter what. There are different ways this toxic situation should be handled –hitting and lashing out is not one of them.

      Rosie, it sounds like there is a lot of toxic behavior going on (by both of you) that is not okay –not if you want a healthy family life. And for your children to be watching this, HAS to be negatively affecting them. You both are certainly not being good role models for them. I HIGHLY recommend that you go to a (marriage friendly) counselor to figure out what you CAN do instead of taking out your frustration the way you are so you can try to get things headed in a better direction. This type of escalating behavior is a killer for marriages. If you don’t know of a counselor near you that would be good for marriages (because not all counselors are), I recommend you contact the ministry of Focus on the Family – Canada, which you can find info at They have a great referral program for counselors all over your country –no doubt.

      I hope you will get good counseling (and I’m not talking about talking to “friends” who will tell you what you may want to hear, but who won’t necessarily give you the best counsel). From the little you describe, I can imagine why you are so frustrated and feel a whole host of negative emotions, concerning what is going on. And for that, I feel for you. But even so, you can’t act out your anger in the ways you have been, because as the saying goes, “two wrongs don’t make it right.” No matter what your husband does, it doesn’t justify poor behavior on your part (just as your poor behavior wouldn’t justify him acting out in wrong ways either). I urge you to get the help you need and pray that you find the strength of character to do what is advised to get to a better place in your marriage. I hope it will.

  22. Tom from United States says:

    My name is Tom. I’m a retired man age 64. I’ve been married 19 years. My wife has verbally abused me the entire marriage but now in last 5 years it has escalated to physical, excessive abuse. Her Mom lived with us and was a referee but passed 5 years ago from cancer. I’m also a cancer survivor and survived severe depression 3 years ago. I’m blessed and am financially secure. I’m white but both older children were married to mixed spouses. My wife hates my 2 kids from prior marriage. They are not allowed in my home and I sneak calls and cards to and from them. I and they have been called the N word a million times. I’m white and blue eyed and fair skin like my kids.

    When her Mom died I was told not to tell my loser family. After 2 years when asked about her, I told my sister of her death. I asked my sister not to send a card to my home. She sent a condolence card. I was beaten for telling her. I’m a big man and still lift weights so at first the hits seemed to bounce off me. After being hit and punched in the chest and slammed in the chair of my office my chest and arms began to hurt. My chest and arms were covered in in black and blue marks for 2 weeks. I never hit her and as I left home to get away from her, she slammed my face into the wall temporarily stunning me. I was shocked since I thought she was calmed down.

    It hit my head but luckily my nose wasn’t broken. She has beaten me 3 times since. Today she slapped me in my face, slammed my fingers in laptop, she pushed me, kicked me in my legs and ribs. I didn’t touch her. She was coming into my office for an hour yelling at me before she attacked. I called her brother to warn him again that I’ll call the police if she continues to beat me. I’m heading to our second home up North but I have a pup and teenage daughter that I don’t want to leave. I don’t know what to do. She claims I’m on the computer too much on FB, chat sites and it upsets her. I do trade stocks as my hobby and source of money in retirement so I’m on the laptop a lot but for work, bills, and yes chat site (not porn). I am guilty of that. No love is shown in my home.

    • Cindy Wright from United States says:

      Tom, Please talk to a few abuse centers. We have some listed in the “Abuse in Marriage” topic and I’m sure there are some located near you. Also, talking to the ministry of Focus on the Family (they have counselors on staff) might help too, to give you added insights. But you NEED to stop this abuse. I’m honestly concerned for you. No matter how much you’re on the computer, or what, you should NEVER be subjected to this type of behavior. If you were a woman, I’d say the same thing. Please know that this type of behavior usually escalates. Your wife has given herself permission to treat you as an object, rather than a person who should never be treated this way. And your children should never be treated this way either. Verbal abuse hurts too.

      I’m also concerned for you if you call the police on her. I’ve seen this go horribly wrong in the way that a woman can turn the circumstances around and then the HUSBAND gets arrested because in the heat of the moment, the wife (who has been beating the crap out of the husband) all of a sudden says the husband hit her first (a lie) and she was defending herself. That’s why I want you to talk to some abuse centers when things are calm to gain insights about what to do when things get heated. Tell them what’s going on and your circumstances. Find out what you should do as a man –especially one who doesn’t want to leave his daughter and pup.

      Sadly, many people, including some police officers and even some “abuse” counselors (not good ones, mind you) will downplay husband abuse, sometimes even chiding them. Read some of the comments posted under and within this article, and the web site linked articles to see what I’m talking about. But please be brave in this and get the help needed. Men NEED to speak out. YOU need to speak out. Men are being quiet about this type of horrible behavior. But that should NOT be so. Abuse is abuse… whether the woman is the victim or the man. It is horribly wrong and dangerous. Today she is abusing with her hands (which is bad enough) but eventually it could be a knife or gun or another object that could cause irreparable damage. Trust me… this DOES happen. Find ways to protect yourself and let this be known to more than just her brother. If push comes to shove, he could turn on you when authorities get involved… you never know. People can surprise you in unfair ways. Please get help… please, please, please. Don’t keep subjecting yourself to the abuse.

      • Tom from United States says:

        Thank you for your concern. I am planning to seek advice like you suggested from local abuse centers. I plan to leave my home for a week or two until she calms down. She took off my wedding ring about a month ago and we’ve slept in separate beds for 5 years. She is capable of hurting me seriously when she blows.

        There are no guns in our home but we have steak knives in kitchen. She is slowly driving me crazy standing at my office doors. I’ve grown to loath her words of hate. I’ve never cheated on her, never kissed another woman in 21 years but I now dream of a woman with a kind heart to hold me at night. I don’t deserve to be treated like a cheat. I worked 44 years and have given her homes and cars and vacations. I’ve gotten the same message in return a lying, crazy, loser husband and father who only cares about himself. My family is treated like they’re evil and they’ve done nothing but be kind to her.

        I pray every day to God but think he feels I need to be punished for some reason. I love my 16 year old daughter and worry my wife will starts turning against her. She has said if my daughter ever dated a non white she would kill him. She is sick but says she is honest -she admits her only problem is she has a temper. I have to laugh -yes only an anger issue that is willing to beat and more if required.

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