Husband Abuse: Can a Wife Abuse Her Husband?

Dollar Photo - Psychotic WomanWhen we think of abuse or domestic violence, we don’t often hear or think about the husband being the victim. It’s usually the wife who is the reported sufferer. Yet more and more it’s coming out into the light that many husbands are victims of spousal abuse, as well.

So why don’t we hear about husbands being abused by their wives? David L. Fontes, Psy.D, in the article titled, “Men Don’t Tell” gives insight into several reasons. He writes:

“When a man is a victim of his wife’s physical abuse he is both shamed by the assaults of his wife and shamed by society for not ‘controlling’ her better. Men are considered ‘wimps’ for letting their wives beat them or for complaining about their wives’ attacks. For many men ‘taking it like a man’ means don’t complain and don’t show you are vulnerable or in pain!

“With the prospect of being viewed as ‘wimps’ and/or having the assaults by their wives not believed or minimized by the general public and law enforcement, it’s no wonder few men report their abuse or discuss it openly.”

We, at Marriage Missions, can testify that it’s difficult for men to report their abuse and find help —especially in the Christian community. We’ve received a number of letters from husbands who are dealing with their wives abusive and sometimes very violent behavior. They write that they want to be honorable men and won’t hit or abuse back, but they don’t know what to do to stop their wives from hurting them in these ways.

We’ve tried to find articles —especially Christian articles and web site postings, written on this subject to help them. But there seems to be very, very little help available.

Does that mean that it’s less important to minister to the hurting husband as it is to the hurting wife, even though the numbers “appear” to be less? Should a husband just accept and silently suffer from abusive behavior, if it is directed at him from his wife? No. Abuse is wrong no matter who is victimizing the other, male or female.

Maxine Marz wrote a article titled, “Husband Abuse Erodes Dignity” where she had the following to say on this issue:

“While it is true that most physical assaults caused by women tend to be less severe when compared to a man’s physical assault on a woman with his fist or a weapon, the abusive woman’s slaps, bites, kicks and/or pulling of her partner’s hair are nevertheless still very hurtful because, in addition to subjecting physical pain, they attack the man’s dignity and erode his sense of self-worth. Many men also encounter emotional abuse when their abusive spouse turns to using their children to assert her control over them and their relationship.

“To add insult to injury, some abusive women not only victimize their spouses by abusing them verbally, emotionally, financially and/or physically, but they also attempt to manipulate the criminal justice system in their favour and against their partner. This unconscionable attempt of some abusive women not only re-victimizes their already abused husbands by denying them equal rights and fair protection under the law, but it simultaneously devalues and undermines the admirable progress women’s groups have achieved over the years in trying to protect the rights of legitimately abused wives and their children in the criminal courts.

“It is evident that our society has made positive strides over the years to bring needed attention to domestic abuse and to better protect women from their abusive husbands or partners. Unfortunately, based on what many abused husbands currently experience, we still have a long way to go to afford them with similar protection of their safety and security and to eliminate the current gender bias in our system that re-victimizes them all over again when they step into the legal arena.”

To help bring this type of victimization out into the open, we will provide several web site links to articles that you can read on this subject. We hope that it will not only give voice to their dilemma, but will also help husbands to better protect themselves and put up proper boundaries in the ways that they should.

The following is a Youtube video that shows a little taste of what some men go through as far as abuse. This is not a marriage situation, but a boyfriend/girlfriend one where she is assaulting him in different ways, with part of it being caught on camera. It’s part 1 of a Tyra Banks television show that featured abusive women. The quality of this video isn’t the best, but the content is enlightening. Please watch and you will see a small part of what some men go through:

You know, what struck me about the story featured here is that if that man would have done that to her, and confessed to that type of abuse, I believe with all my heart that the audience would have been outraged. But the woman was absolutely clueless as to the gravity of it all, and the audience didn’t seem as moved, like they would have been if a woman was getting berated and such by the man. If he was hitting on her and acting as she did to him, the outrage over the whole matter would have been ramped up. But because it’s a woman hitting and berating a man, it’s more palatable. It shouldn’t be, because abuse is wrong no matter who commits it, but that’s the way society views that type of thing. This is so, so wrong.

On a further note, the articles linked below, consist of stories of battered men (some being followers of Christ and others who are not) who share their life experiences of being battered by various women. Please read what they have written. Abused men and husbands need to be heard too:



The following articles and blogs are posted on various web sites that deal with the subject of husband abuse and battered men. These articles are not posted on Christian web sites, so please be aware of that. However, we believe they still give good insights and provide a lot of helpful information. We encourage you to glean what is good —that which lines up with Biblical standards, and throw away that which doesn’t apply to your situation and that which the Lord shows you NOT to use. Let the Lord be your guide.

Please click onto the links provided below to read:

MY SPOUSE HITS ME – Can a Wife Abuse Her Husband?


Why Men in Abusive Relationships Remain Silent


We also want to remind husbands to read other articles that are provided on this web site in the “Abuse in Marriage” section. We recognize that they mostly address wives (sorry about that), but we encourage you to ask God to show you how you can apply the advice that is given to your own situation. God can show you what advice you can, and what you shouldn’t or won’t be able to use.

Ask your “Wonderful Counselor” the Holy Spirit to reveal to you how to adapt different advice given, to apply to your particular situation. We hope you will and we hope you will find the help you need. May He help you as you reach out to Him —that is our prayer for you.

This article is written by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International.


Filed under: Abuse in Marriage

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235 responses to “Husband Abuse: Can a Wife Abuse Her Husband?

  1. Hi, I’m one of the abused husbands. I’m married and physically abused and I don’t want to hit back.

  2. My neighbor was verbally abused by his wife. I would hear her yelling at him. He may have been physically abused but I never saw it. He told others she didn’t love him anymore and drove him nuts. He just hung himself a few days ago.

  3. I have a wife that is passive aggressive, which withholds love and affection. She tells me she loves me but all her body language and behavior, tells me otherwise.

    She experienced CSA and I feel that is a big part of our marriage issues that are never resolved. She minimizes the affect that had on her. She has zero conflict resolution skills. If pressured to discuss our problems, she is hostle/angry but she would much rather practice avoidance. She always finds a way to be the “victim”. She seems to view me as competition. After 30 years of marriage I am contemplating divorce. Has anyone else experienced this type dilemma? Would this be considered abuse?

    1. I am in the exact situation and worst part with my case is she’s with the advise of her mother and step father who live 5000 miles away from us in our country. Constantly create sin and deliberately starts to argue and the shouting and screaming and tries to push me to my limits to get physical with her and the press charges against me in order to kick me out of the house that I purchased before marrying her and has even no equity on it! she works and keeps all the money and do not spend a dime and basically use the house as a free hotel and there is nothing I can do. I asked her million times to sign a settlement agreement and get divorce after 6 months because we do not have any child but she refuses and wants to make it as ugly as possible because she has a sick manipulative mind. In Virginia if there is no child with a settlement agreement you can get divorce otherwise you have to wait and suffer 12 months then court will decide to hear your case.(this is called justice!!) I can not afford to move because the mortgage is under my name and have to pay that plus rent for new place for 12 months even after that it will take a while for judge to order her to move out or not because she won’t be able to finance the house on her name either. I have been taken as a hostage and there is nothing I can do and this situation emotionally and psychologically is killing me and breaking me. I pray God to help me over come this.

      1. Sir, I have lived in a similar situation for 33 years. I married my wife at Ft Monro, then left for 3 and a half years, as you know the needs of the navy come first. When I came home it was my father, the community I was coming back to and the job I was on Military leave from, that were influencing my Bi Polar wife. The Midwestern state I live in had a guardianship slapped on me the second day I was back.

        My father wanted me to not disrupt other lives by using my Accrued seniority at the transmission plant I worked in. I came back with more than 60 percent of the 7000 person work force. He wanted me to observe special privilege in the community, work instead of the children of high political and social figures in the community rather than taking the jobs, shifts, holidays, vacation slots and even weekends. He even told me the one instruction I was expected to follow was to shut up and do as I was told.

        My wife said just for a short time if I did not cause any anger or take something someone else needed then she would allow our marriage to become right. Because she was Bi Polar, Scizo effective the state wanted more than I could ever come up with and denied a divorce on those grounds. I was forced to stay sexless, work 12 hours a day every day until 2009 when I became so depressed I developed MRSA in my spine.

        The six days I was allowed off by my father and coworkers was around getting a tumor removed from my brain stem July 31 2001. My father felt I was causing too much havoc with peoples vacations that really needed them.

        After MRSA I was In rehab 3 more years and upon my return home I found my wife in a new dress getting ready to go to a political fund raiser with my fathers best friend. This was not my proudest day. First I told my wife that I was now home and expected my life to be as any other husbands life, sex included. I told her what she owed me for 31 years of supporting her while she played social butterfly. I told her that if she walked out the door she was not coming back in.

        Crying she stood there and tried to deal with me, she said I could pick anywhere to meet and she would get my mother, father and any one else that needed a say in my life. Now that I was a cripple I would be told what I was and was not going to be allowed. That really did not fly; she said the last 12 years were hell enough out of me why did I need to make things worse. I told her there was nobody that had anything to say about what I was allowed, especially her or my father.

        I said I never wanted to hear that there is always tomorrow, I needed to look at the glass half full or the words you will be told what you are ALLOWED. I told her the next time I heard any of them somebody was going to lose their teeth. She tried running for the door to see about getting some help to restrain me when I ripped her dress off, then I tore the rest of what she wore off her. She was begging please can’t we come to some arrangement to slow this down. I said why, you have been the community girlfriend for 25 years or more.

        I took the first payment from her in sex that I felt was due, My fathers friend thought he could push me out of the way to talk to my wife and ended up hitting face first in the driveway. The last 2 years she thinks I have turned everyones life into hell. She asked me yesterday how does it feel to leave me friendless, your father with a broken neck and everyone so scared of you we had to move 1230 miles to this wild area in the west.

        She said you became worse when you were supposed to be in a wheel chair the rest of your life. She said were your rights so important you had to take them the way you did, It did not take me a second to answer. Yes they were that important. It was not my responsibility to kiss everyones rear the way I was forced to. I was never asked if I would give up a vacation, a holiday or a weekend, I was just told by you, dad and some of his friends I was going to, I was told I was not taking the shift, or the job I wanted because someone else was more deserving of what I earned. I told her if she wants space there is 2500 square miles of nearly empty on the other side of the door, she could go though it and in a week or two I would follow the vultures to where she was at.

    2. Hi Anonymous, yes, my wife is passive aggressive. She doesn’t hit out but uses sarcasm, putdowns and if I do some thing for her it not good enough. She wears what I call “masks,” one she wears when we have visitors, one for when we visit people or family, one for church and so on.

      Last year after 35 years of marriage I hit out at her by punching her in the arm (which I now wish I hadn’t), and of course there were witnesses because it happened at home. Anyway, I was so upset with her and myself that I became suicidal and ended up in a psychiatric ward for 2 weeks and later did 6 months of external counseling.

      What I don’t understand is that she is a psychologist, and you would think that she would know better. Her mother was the same; she was always sarcastic towards her husband so my wife had a bad example there. Beats me, pardon the pun. Early this year I told her that if I had a million dollars I’d leave her and since then she’s been completely different, for the better!!!!!!!

    3. Anonymous from the U.S. You have described my fiancé exactly. There are many videos on youtube you may find helpful and illuminating. I believe the behaviors you’ve mentioned are covered under HPD and NPD. Narcissistic Personality Disorder

  4. Worst part of life is when you want to start a new life with a new person and in a new country this girl I met in the USA, while I was with my familly on a vacation couple of months. Later we got to know each other and we got married. After marriage this girl flipped 180. She abused me, raised her hands surprised; she takes kok and marijuana. She has shown me her other face.

    I got hit a lot of times but never complained cuz God is there I had always believe in God. At the end she called the cops on me. They took me. She stole my stuff and ran away and disappeared. My life is destroyed. I left the USA but for bad can’t go back to where I lived and where my family is. I feel abused to death.

  5. Hi, I get abused by my wife. She hits me and gives mental abuse all the time. I get accused of cheating when I’m not. Every time I have to show my phone to her to prove it was a customer who texted me and it’s a guy and if it’s a woman then I get slapped in the face. I’m not allowed to go out to see my mates cause they might take me were there are women. If I go to see my parents then I get accused that I go there to call my kids and talk to my ex mrs. If I send presents to my kids she starts breaking things in the house. But I find it hard to leave her. Can anyone help?

    1. Hello, I know this is a late reply, but I wanted to comment anyway. I am a teenage girl; I found this article while browsing the net. I just wanted to say that you should also consider your children. I have a few friends who’s parents are divorced and it can be very difficult when they get a new partner, especially if that partner doesn’t like them.

      She is preventing you from interacting with your children and you are listening to her. Your children will probably see this as you saying that she is more important to you than they are.

    1. There are lots of ways to be abused that are not physical abuse. Living day in and day out with someone who criticizes everything that you do…Day in and Day out, You’re an idiot…stupid…If you say “why do you call me stupid?”…You get….”I don’t know why you’re stupid”. Or “I am not going to lie about it.” If you say I Love You…you get, “No you don’t.”…or “that’s nice.”…or, “I don’t like you.”…if you say “yes you do.”…then it’s…”Whatever you want to tell yourself.”

      You can’t do enough for them. You wait on them hand and foot…It does not change how they treat you. They lock their computer but you better not lock yours though. Better not call your kids…Or when your kids do come to visit, you will get in trouble for ignoring her for them.

      I have never cheated on my wife, but I may as well have, because in her mind I have on numerous occasions. Then there is the good…She will treat you like a king on occasion…splurge on you, make you feel like you two are really close…Until the next argument when she tells you she hates you and wishes you were dead. And don’t ever cry in front of her because she will then taunt and ridicule you telling you you are acting like a baby. It is sad….especially when you really do love this person…or at least with the person they have been on occasion.

      1. You are correct. To me mental abuse hurts worse than the physical abuse. Pain goes away after a while when you’re being hit, but mental abuse tears a way at your soul every day. I’m a woman, but I know that men can be abused also. I felt compelled to write you, because I go through this also every day, to the point that I feel I cannot go on another day. I cry almost every day, not because the physical abuse, but the words that he uses to hurt me.

        Don’t be ashamed for the tears you’ve shed out of pain from the person that you love. Those tears show you have a heart and you care. I would have done anything to see emotion from my husband, just to know there was even a little part of love left for me in him. He says he does love me, but what he loves is that he has control over me and he knows that I’m a faithful person, and no matter what he has done to me, I still stay. I stay mostly out of fear, and also the hopes the man I fell in love with will come back to me.

        When we first met, I had my own home, car, and a good job. Slowly I lost everything, and he has all control, to the point I get an argument from him if I even ask for 5 dollars. I’ve been reading a lot of people’s stories from men and women, and when it comes to abuse it doesn’t discriminate when it comes to gender.

        It has changed who I am. I think about how I used to be. I loved the outdoors, water skiing, snow skiing, horses, and a lot more. I coached cheer leading and was involved in community activities. I was so out going, and now I hide from the world. I want so bad to get rid of the pain I feel every day, and I’m scared that person is gone forever. I recently started going back to school through an online college. It has been a blessing to me, because I’ve poured my sadness into school. I am 43, but it has given me hope again for something better. I’ve kept a 4.0 GPA, and it has made me feel better about myself, and is something he hasn’t been able to take from me.

        I hope things will get better for you. I can feel your pain in your writing, and will pray for you. I wish I could help and give you answers on what to do, but I cannot because I haven’t been able to change my own situation. Love to me is loving a person even through their faults. I definitely don’t have that. I hope that I can find the strength to realize that it’s better to start from scratch than to be abused and hurt every day. And whatever you decide that is right for you, I hope you find some peace in your heart and life. God Bless You!

        1. In response to your post, you’re the only woman I know who expressed herself so eloquently in understanding how not only a man but also how a woman feels and understands the pain. It brought me to tears and you are right. I still Love my wife even though we argue and carry on. I’m Catholic and have old fashioned ways but we both were divorced and met about 19 years ago. Marriage is work in progress everyday. God Bless you and pray that you will find peace and happiness.

      1. It is very serious. If I routinely am punched in the face by my wife that is something. Even if she isn’t able to land a punch hard enough to hurt me, she is still punching as hard as she can. The rage behind punching someone as hard as you can is the big issue here. That rage can lead to her breaking things like glass or stabbing or even poisoning you.

        Sometimes a simple argument can turn into the woman calling 9-11 just to watch as police officers do her dirty work as henchmen. This can ruin your entire life let alone leave you in a state of total trauma.

        1. I know this was posted a while ago but it was so comforting to know another man has seen the violent attacks as and attack on our self-worth and dignity. I have had to cover my neck and arms on multiple occasion but that isn’t what bothers me. Anyway, she called the police last week for the first time as I couldn’t take it anymore and stuck a knife in our car and the tire flattened. The police had already been aware of my marks but took me to a psyche ward.

    2. As an alcoholic for 7 years, but now a recovering alcoholic for several months now, I can personally state that it’s possible for women to beat up men. I abused my husband verbally and mentally EVERY time I drank but it was also common place for me to hit, kick, scratch, and shove him. It took him 7 years of this abuse and my older sons (all outweigh me and are taller) for him to lose it and hit me back. The police were called by a neighbor and the police arrested my husband for fighting back when I attacked him with a hard plastic bottle of condiment beating him on the head and face.

      Try to tell anyone that I started it or he protected himself from an out of control drunk and all I hear is that I’m a victim and it’s natural for me to claim fault or enable him!!! Sadly, his arrest sobered me up, but it will take me a lot of time to forgive myself, if ever.

      We were together 24 years without him ever hurting me or anyone, clean record of any crime in his life. Now we’re kept apart by court order until they settle the matter in court and maybe even after that. So unless you know what you’re talking about, probably better to stay silent than to speak of things you have no experience with. (Grfefef)

      1. Accountability. Thank you for sharing your story, I am involved with a batterer’s Intervention program and it is refreshing to see offender’s of spousal/partner abuse take full responsibility of their actions. There is a growth in the percentage of reports of Men who are battered. Your story of alcohol driven assaults are unfortunately very common in Domestic Violence cases as well as the legal outlook of the circumstances of the men being charged as the aggressor. Education and awareness is the key to change. Violence against another person is wrong PERIOD.

    3. I wish that was true but I swear on my life it’s far from not. I’ve been with my wife 3 years now and we recently got married. Since the marriage it’s gotten worst. 2 weeks before thanksgiving I had to get stitches over my left eye and also had a busted mouth. Before this I had a black eye. Her family knew about it and laughed. I guess they figured because I’m much older and I work out I should be able to handle it.

      I’ve been verbally, emotionally, physically and even financially abused by her and the saddest thing is that I can’t let her go. If I try to break up with her she throws things, destroys stuff in the house, and if I walk away she attacks me even worse. Her family now thinks I’m the abusive one because I actually hit her back the last time when I got the stitches, so now everyone thinks I’m the abuser. Her brother witnessed her in action a few months back but his loyalty is to his sister so it doesn’t matter.

      Her best friend and 2 of my closest friends witnessed her attacking me after a night out and they couldn’t believe it; they we’re shocked. I love her and as foolish as it may sound I will always stick by my wife because when times are good we have the best times together. She comes from a broken home and had had a horrible upbringing. I know this is no excuse but she does love me, she just had this uncontrollable anger. So as for your comment I swear to you is very much true!

      1. I’ve been married for 7 years. We moved near her family over 2 years ago. Since then she has gotten on Xanex, meth, alcohol, and smokes pot. She has berated me, called me a loser, and worse. She cheated on me with over 10 different men in these two years, three of which were in my own home while I was at work. I walked in on her passed out with her sister’s boyfriend one night. I never got violent; I yelled at him to get out. When my wife found out that I told her sister she started beating on me, blacking my eye, and swelling half my face before I finally got her out of the house.

        Recently we were taking her sister’s home and she was raging at her, then at me. We were driving about 55 mph when she hit me in the mouth and I reacted swinging my arm out and hit her in the nose and broke it. It was totally an accident and not intentional, but now she’s using it against me berating me saying she wants a divorce.

        I have no where to go and hardly any money. I’m trying to save up enough for a small RV just to get away. The worst part is we have two kids involved. She told everyone here and now they all hate me. So I know what you’re going through. Be strong and God will see you through. I finally had to realize that all the anger being built up is not good for me, my wife, and especially my children. If she isn’t willing to change and admit her part in it then you’re just beating your head against a wall.

    4. I have recently extricated myself from a very toxic situation which lasted three years. Despite both of us having flaws, my second wife appeared to be an ideal partner for me. She was generous, kind, understanding and supportive. We were in mutually agreed upon counselling to deal with past family issues, particularly abuse by her ex-husband upon her and her children.

      Sadly, however, she began to verbally abuse me, lost all interest in my life and goals, broke important promises she had made prior to the wedding and maintained a “so what?” attitude when I complained about any of this. The abuse began as psychological and verbal, including unprovoked swearing, put-downs in front of her children and our friends, accusations of infidelity and so on. Between these outbursts were times of calm and even happiness, but I came to dread her next outburst. It seemed inevitable, regardless of any strategies employed to calm her when she started to act aggressively.

      Her preferred times of abuse were just after I had fallen asleep, when I woke up or at the dinner table in front of the children. The saddest thing was watching the kids, who seemed to regard her behaviour as normal, even somehow comforting. I left several times, only to be enticed back by more promises; acknowledgment of the abuse and a commitment to “try harder”, remorse, even begging. Month by month, the abuse became worse, rising to slapping and hitting. Finally, she spat in my face and told me to go and die with my father. I left. Even after this final insult she continued to contact me, trying to get me to come back to her. She regards herself as a victim, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

      Many professionals maintain a belief that any woman’s violence is the “fault of men”. So, of course, she can’t get help to address her problems, since even professionals won’t acknowledge the real problem. This in turn means I can never return to a woman I love, despite everything she put me through. Until family violence is acknowledged as a HUMAN problem, not a GENDER problem, there will be little resolution in situations such as this.

      1. Why do women always cast themselves as the victim? Every single time, without failure, they are the victim. Can anyone tell me once where a woman has admitted fault and acknowledged that she was NOT a victim in any way? I’ve never seen it before, though I’m young (25). Maybe I haven’t hung around the right women. But all the women I’ve been friends with or had deeper relationships with, have always loved playing the victim card.

        Anyway, I specifically replied to you, out of all the stories posted on here, because it was the most recent and because it struck a chord somewhere near my heart. I’m hoping for the best for you. Sounds like your woman is toxic and is capable of hurting you very deeply if given the chance. Tread very carefully in the next few months. Please take care of yourself. I’m rooting for you: I hope everything works out, okay? Take good care.

    5. While my wife can’t beat me, I’m restricted in my response to her physical abuse. If I turn to punch her, now I’m a wife abuser!!

    6. Maybe a woman can’t beat a man up but there are other ways women can get a man to be abused. My wife however forgot in 2001 that I had earned my 3rd Dan black belt in the army. I was trained in close quarter combat skills. One morning at 4:00 am on my own porch in 2001 she locked me out of the house with a slide bolt on the door and four of her and my father’s friends followed me up on to my porch, as they put it, to show me where my place was in the scheme of area society. I was to take my name off a job bid so a much younger seniority could have the job.

      My wife had promised me a normalization of our sex life, if I would just take my name of the bid and stay where I was. These four men offered to carry me back in if I was not willing to go. I was trapped with my back to a bolted front door and four men shoulder to souled around me. I was tired of taking the back seat to these pampered society types and I said, get of my porch or die where you stand.

      The son of my father’s best friend had a friend wrap his arm around my throat to hold me in place. I considered that the last straw in keeping peace with my father, his friends, or my wife and her friends. I destroyed all four in the next minute sending all four to critical care. I then turned my attention to my wife, I kicked the front door in the frame and door landing on her.

      I was so angry I stomped in on it and told her the next time she tried to get me hurt I would arrange for her to have a date with an undertaker in a six foot deep hole in the ground. My father considered this abuse of many because I used combat technics. I felt with four against one anything was fair and I had a traitor behind me.

    7. From what perspective can you consider that “a woman can’t hit a man” I have been hit by my wife and yes, I probably could have stopped her (particularly given she was not a big lady). However this physical abuse happened in the context of emotional abuse as well and so, if I had defended myself in any way, then I might well have ended up being accused of domestic violence myself. My wife already controlled me with threats like this and used to self-harm to add credibility to her threats.

      Also consider that a woman can easily throw dangerous projectiles at a man. Personally I have had plates, glasses and cans of food thrown at me.

      1. The fact that these women can and have used these threats to control their men is absolutely despicable. And with policies like VAWA, men cannot prove themselves innocent very easily. And what’s more, the community itself won’t let him get away with it. How much more proof is there that women are really more in control of everything than men?? To influence authority figures to treat another human being as less than human takes power.

  6. For the last 7 years I have been emotionally, verbally and more recently physically abused by my wife. Last year I called the police seeking advice on where to turn for help and as I as on the phone she started punching me non-stop. I didn’t dare respond for fear I would be arrested. The police were sent around and they placed a domestic violence protection order on her telling her to be of good character or she would be arrested next time. She has abused me again and even worse since then and it’s every time her period comes.

    I know she has Pre Menstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD) and birth control pills helped, but she refuses to believe she has a problem and stopped taking them; since then the attacks have intensified. I’ve been a missionary and had a successful film & television career. I’ve lost my business because of all her demands for finances and sending money back to her family.

    I finally gave myself a heads up when to expect her period and sure enough right on cue she starts acting out again. I ended up being punched and kicked and almost sent through glass french doors, she also kicked the coffee table and sent a glass flying to the floor where it smashed to smithereens all around my feet. Thankfully I wasn’t injured, but it took me half an hour to get over to the sofa safely. I’ve just been diagnosed with diabetes and I have to look after my feet or else it could end up in amputation.

    The worst part is she doesn’t think she has a problem and is a professional victim.

  7. I’ve been going through a lot of problems with who is now my ex and I am still going through them. She has managed to get the police on her side in this problem and I have been arrested. It started off with a judge giving her a restraining order against me but allowing her to drink at a bar 200 feet from my house and hanging out at cleaning her clothes when they offer that at her apartment. The back door opens up to the front of my house and the drive by around my house with eyes witness her pulling in my driveway to most recently her sending me a naked picture of herself. The police won’t do anything about it. Instead they threaten me with another arrest. I need help; I’m not sure where to turn from here.

  8. Hello my name is James,in 2012 I met a woman online and she seamed to be very kind sweet and loving. Since day one she kept putting pressure for me to marry her,then in November she sent me in the mail a marriage license application. I had never been married before and I wanted to be married but I wanted to get to know someone first. Well she didn’t want to wait, and when I told my family I might be getting married and that thought it might be good, they told me not to trust her because we had never met in person.

    I should have walked away from her, but I fell in love. Then a childhood friend of me and my family told me they where going to take me up to Manchester Iowa where she lived so I could marry her. I was told by everyone not to do it but I did. I quit my job to go up with them and we arrived on the 17th of December 2012 Sally Ann and I were married by judge in the court house. For the first couple of weeks everything was fine then it seamed like all at once she started arguing with me. I wasn’t looking for work, I didn’t love her, I wasn’t taking care of her and paying all the bills. It was her apartment provided by the city as she was on disability. She is a very unhealthy woman and takes a whole drawer full of pills from her doctor.

    It’s been getting worse ever since I recently lost my job and all the time when I was working she kept trying to get me to quit my job because the managers where very abusive to me there too and getting it at home too I couldn’t do my job without worry of being fired or kicked out of my home by my wife or fired from my job.

    Ever since I was terminated my wife has been very hateful and abusive to me. I feel like walking on egg shells no matter what I do. I don’t even want to be here but I have nowhere to turn. What can I do? I need help! What can I d? Please tell me, James

  9. I need help. I have no where to go. I have no family to help. My wife left me (abandoned) in 2010 for another man. In 2012 I lost my job, my home and my car. I have no other family so my wife allowed me to stay on her couch, where I’ve been since. She makes me pay $300 a week to stay at her house. She uses comments saying I’m doing it for my daughter but I need personal supplies and meds for my health and she goes bipolar on me. She uses guilt trips on me.

    I’ve got bills I need to pay and IRS issues to tend to but she finds every reason why she needs all my money. I have a car that needs fixed but she won’t allow me to save money to fix it. All I do is work 60 hours a week and come home. I don’t go anywhere unless she takes me or I walk. She doesn’t care about me. All she cares about is the money. I can’t live this way but I have no way to get out because of no money. Help me get help.

  10. My wife did the same to me hitting and scratching me. I’ve been trying for 3 dayw to get her charged. Ring the police commissioner -got a little justice. I’ve been just puting up with it other times but this time I was holding my son in my arms, plus I had my mother watching everything. I kicked her out of the house now I’ve been charged for grabbing hold of her, and pushing her outside the house hard. She fell over and got a black eye. It’s just not fair, and the way the police treated me as bad.

  11. I live in an abusive marriage. She is a drunk and any little thing sets her off. The latest she struck me so many times in the head and my head swelled up. I finally called the police and she was arrested for assult. Her family is blaming me because I called the cops and now her kids (my step kids) will not have their mom at home. She is in jail so they are condoning her actions. They are also griping about the money they’re having to put out for her to get help. Yet I’m here trying to figure out how to pay bills. I’m condemned for doing the right thing.

  12. I am married. My wife pushes me to the limit. Over the years she’s tried to fight me many times poking me in the face, verbal abuse at times. One day I had enough. She hounded me all that day for no reason trying to fight me so I snapped. We hit the roof. I really lost it and slapped her a few times telling her I’m tired of it. Now she says I’m an abusive husband and I’m not. Now she’s still doing the same thing again trying to provoke me to hit her like I did that first and only time. Please help me. Am I an abusive husband? I don’t know what to do.

    She says she love me. She say she is sorry that she loses control. When she visits her family or her family visits us, when they leave or she comes back home, she seems to pay me no attention like I’m not around. After a few days she’s back to herself. Is it a fact that I go thru these things because her family is a very violent group of people? …Please help.

    1. I’ve been married to my wife for 25 years but she didn’t start out abusive although she could never control her spending. When we met I paid all her credit cards, paid for our wedding, and paid money she owed her father. I love her very much.

      The abuse started after we had our 3 children and I lost employment for a short period of time. She makes decisions that affect me without asking me; spending money on credit cards including large purchases buying 2 dogs and not helping with the care of the dogs (daily feeding washing etc.) It falls on me. She treats me poorly and insults me in front of my children and they have started doing it.

      Finally after 10 years of this I separated the credit cards and proportionally separated the bills. She punishes me by not doing any of the house chores. For a short period of time after my heart attack she picked up some of the chores, but she has reverted back to her old ways. I am up cleaning & doing laundry at 5 am before work for our family. I make my wife coffee in bed every morning and hope that things will get better.

      I do stand up for myself but she always twists my words and I don’t want to be to aggressive and abusive like her and give the children a bad view so I just repeat what she says in a question like manner so she can hear what she sounds like.

      40% of the time she is in a good mood but the other 60% I feel trapped and pray that it will get better.

    2. If she is able to make you snap and hit her back, she wins. She will call the police and blame the whole thing on you. They’ll see the slap mark on her face or arm. It won’t matter if you are bruised and bloodied. You will be the one who is taken to jail. In the end, everyone will believe her side of the story (that you are a violent abusive husband who beats her every day) because you’re in jail, after all. Your life ruined. Leave her while you still can.

  13. My wife believes whole heartedly that she’s right on so many things. When I want to try and compromise with her she goes into this stage that if I don’t agree with her then I’m stupid or other things. I stand my ground and try to find different angles to explain to her, but it doesn’t work because she believes she has to be right, even to the point where she slaps me. If I walk away she follows; if I leave the house she locks me out and says that’s what I chose. I finally snapped and pushed her hard, like she was a grown man, and it hurt her. I lashed out and told her that I’m sorry Idid that and that I wish it wasn’t me but I do believe she needs to gain respect from somewhere. I don’t want to hurt her. Should I just leave her and my kids? She won’t go to counseling because she said she doesn’t know what goes on, basically saying I start the fights.

  14. My wife of 20yrs once shocked me by requesting for permission so that she can be impregnated by our church pastor. The pastor had been in a 27yrs childless marriage. Of course I refused to grant her the request but little did I know that they had done many things behind my back. She developed rebellion towards me and fortunately God granted us an opportunity to relocate to USA.

    While in US she continued to communicate with him and I happened to read some disturbing messages where she vividly describes the things they were doing in lodgings. She says how he is the man of her life and will fight till they get married. When she realized I have known all about her dirty world she turned against me by calling me all unspeakable names.

    Right now our house is uninhabitable she acts like a lion, children run away from her. Every day she sends me insulting messages just to torment me all of which I always reply with a soft word of “Thank you”. She sometimes takes away my phone for long hours making me unreachable. I feel I don’t deserve this because am also a human being.

  15. When your wife tells you that it’s ok to pull a knife and threaten to kill you if you don’t leave the house, is that a point to be extremely afraid? I don’t know how her mind says that this is ok. I simply cannot understand how her mind works. I have not been a good husband and I concede that, but surely I don’t deserve to be stabbed, again…

  16. I am a woman. I love my husbend with all my heart. I want to stop hitting him. Please help me. I started hitting him once, when he cheated on me. The 1st time he beat me up. I had 2 blue eyes, my body was sore, my head was heavy but since then he slapped me the other day but now he doesn’t hit me at all, and he’s always accusing me of sleeping around, which I’m not. I’m faithful to him. He once gave me an STI so that hurt me so bad because he’s blaming me while I’m faithful and honest. When he’s drunk he swears at me; that’s why I hit him because he’s abusing me emotionally and I don’t know how to handle it.

    1. I feel the same way. I don’t know if it’s a normal reaction to hit someone that hurts you emotionally, I feel like I am going crazy.

      1. It is normal, but it isn’t healthy to maintain the status in the relationship. If married seek counseling. If not perhaps it’s time to look for someone that appreciates you for the lady/woman that you are.

  17. It only takes one to have a fight. When she decides to attack you… often whens shes drunk…then you have to back off and go sleep in the car or in the rain. The authorities will not help you as she will lie and you’re disbelieved.

    One way to help not going to prison is to …when she attacks you… lie down on the floor and let her kick you until she becomes tired. But of course this destroys your dignity and the respect from your children.

    The U.N. mandates for human rights protect children first… followed closely for women. Men have no protection under UN human rights. So we suffer …horrendously this physical….emotional…and mental abuse. To not talk about it… “is hiding the problem under the carpet.”

    Women are becomming ever more violent these days because they have ultimate, 100% protection. And their violence and agression is hidden away; they lie and acuse their passive, motivated husbands.

    Solution… Leave and go live in another country as the authorities will victimise you too. And find the “woman of your dreams” …in your dreams.

    1. I just wanted to mention that I have seen studies that go back to 1972 stating that women normally start fights and are just as likely to hit back as men. So to say that they are becoming more violent; I’m not sure if that is accurate.

      How to handle her again is a different issue all together, which I’m not qualified to answer. I can say that after awhile of being abused I did hit back. It was investigated and I had to keep a copy from the DA’s office on me at all times stating that the case was dropped in case I was pulled over and asked about the incident.

      I’ve even heard some women claim that it’s due to the male centered society, that this issue doesn’t get any attention because that way women can remain perceived as weak. Be blessed.

  18. I have been married for 26 years, my husband always thought that it is his right to have drinks after work on a daily basis, this has damaged our marriage since I have been the primary caregiver for our 4 children and he is not really involved with our family unless it includes drinking.

    Our marriage has suffered greatly in the last 5 years since he hooked up with an alcoholic neighbor. I was even pulled into this drinking lifestyle and I joined in so I could fit in. But this made things worse. My husband always critizes me, calls me names, blames me for all our problems and will always look for people to drink with even if I dont approve because I cant tell him what to do.

    I am very frustrated, angry, hurt, lonely and unhappy. Lately our fights have gotten physical and I attack him by hitting him and lashing out at him. I wanted to know if my behaviour is normal, he is always calling me obscene names.

    1. Hi Rosie, You ask if hitting your husband is wrong if you’re “frustrated, angry, hurt, lonely, and unhappy.” I think you know the answer to that without anyone telling you. If your children started attacking each other by “hitting and lashing out” what would you do and say? Would it be okay since they are frustrated? No. It’s inappropriate no matter what age or gender. Your husband shouldn’t hit (or verbally abuse) you, and you shouldn’t hit (or verbally abuse) your husband –no matter what. There are different ways this toxic situation should be handled –hitting and lashing out is not one of them.

      Rosie, it sounds like there is a lot of toxic behavior going on (by both of you) that is not okay –not if you want a healthy family life. And for your children to be watching this, HAS to be negatively affecting them. You both are certainly not being good role models for them. I HIGHLY recommend that you go to a (marriage friendly) counselor to figure out what you CAN do instead of taking out your frustration the way you are so you can try to get things headed in a better direction. This type of escalating behavior is a killer for marriages. If you don’t know of a counselor near you that would be good for marriages (because not all counselors are), I recommend you contact the ministry of Focus on the Family – Canada, which you can find info at They have a great referral program for counselors all over your country –no doubt.

      I hope you will get good counseling (and I’m not talking about talking to “friends” who will tell you what you may want to hear, but who won’t necessarily give you the best counsel). From the little you describe, I can imagine why you are so frustrated and feel a whole host of negative emotions, concerning what is going on. And for that, I feel for you. But even so, you can’t act out your anger in the ways you have been, because as the saying goes, “two wrongs don’t make it right.” No matter what your husband does, it doesn’t justify poor behavior on your part (just as your poor behavior wouldn’t justify him acting out in wrong ways either). I urge you to get the help you need and pray that you find the strength of character to do what is advised to get to a better place in your marriage. I hope it will.

  19. My name is Tom. I’m a retired man age 64. I’ve been married 19 years. My wife has verbally abused me the entire marriage but now in last 5 years it has escalated to physical, excessive abuse. Her Mom lived with us and was a referee but passed 5 years ago from cancer. I’m also a cancer survivor and survived severe depression 3 years ago. I’m blessed and am financially secure. I’m white but both older children were married to mixed spouses. My wife hates my 2 kids from prior marriage. They are not allowed in my home and I sneak calls and cards to and from them. I and they have been called the N word a million times. I’m white and blue eyed and fair skin like my kids.

    When her Mom died I was told not to tell my loser family. After 2 years when asked about her, I told my sister of her death. I asked my sister not to send a card to my home. She sent a condolence card. I was beaten for telling her. I’m a big man and still lift weights so at first the hits seemed to bounce off me. After being hit and punched in the chest and slammed in the chair of my office my chest and arms began to hurt. My chest and arms were covered in in black and blue marks for 2 weeks. I never hit her and as I left home to get away from her, she slammed my face into the wall temporarily stunning me. I was shocked since I thought she was calmed down.

    It hit my head but luckily my nose wasn’t broken. She has beaten me 3 times since. Today she slapped me in my face, slammed my fingers in laptop, she pushed me, kicked me in my legs and ribs. I didn’t touch her. She was coming into my office for an hour yelling at me before she attacked. I called her brother to warn him again that I’ll call the police if she continues to beat me. I’m heading to our second home up North but I have a pup and teenage daughter that I don’t want to leave. I don’t know what to do. She claims I’m on the computer too much on FB, chat sites and it upsets her. I do trade stocks as my hobby and source of money in retirement so I’m on the laptop a lot but for work, bills, and yes chat site (not porn). I am guilty of that. No love is shown in my home.

    1. Tom, Please talk to a few abuse centers. We have some listed in the “Abuse in Marriage” topic and I’m sure there are some located near you. Also, talking to the ministry of Focus on the Family (they have counselors on staff) might help too, to give you added insights. But you NEED to stop this abuse. I’m honestly concerned for you. No matter how much you’re on the computer, or what, you should NEVER be subjected to this type of behavior. If you were a woman, I’d say the same thing. Please know that this type of behavior usually escalates. Your wife has given herself permission to treat you as an object, rather than a person who should never be treated this way. And your children should never be treated this way either. Verbal abuse hurts too.

      I’m also concerned for you if you call the police on her. I’ve seen this go horribly wrong in the way that a woman can turn the circumstances around and then the HUSBAND gets arrested because in the heat of the moment, the wife (who has been beating the crap out of the husband) all of a sudden says the husband hit her first (a lie) and she was defending herself. That’s why I want you to talk to some abuse centers when things are calm to gain insights about what to do when things get heated. Tell them what’s going on and your circumstances. Find out what you should do as a man –especially one who doesn’t want to leave his daughter and pup.

      Sadly, many people, including some police officers and even some “abuse” counselors (not good ones, mind you) will downplay husband abuse, sometimes even chiding them. Read some of the comments posted under and within this article, and the web site linked articles to see what I’m talking about. But please be brave in this and get the help needed. Men NEED to speak out. YOU need to speak out. Men are being quiet about this type of horrible behavior. But that should NOT be so. Abuse is abuse… whether the woman is the victim or the man. It is horribly wrong and dangerous. Today she is abusing with her hands (which is bad enough) but eventually it could be a knife or gun or another object that could cause irreparable damage. Trust me… this DOES happen. Find ways to protect yourself and let this be known to more than just her brother. If push comes to shove, he could turn on you when authorities get involved… you never know. People can surprise you in unfair ways. Please get help… please, please, please. Don’t keep subjecting yourself to the abuse.

      1. Thank you for your concern. I am planning to seek advice like you suggested from local abuse centers. I plan to leave my home for a week or two until she calms down. She took off my wedding ring about a month ago and we’ve slept in separate beds for 5 years. She is capable of hurting me seriously when she blows.

        There are no guns in our home but we have steak knives in kitchen. She is slowly driving me crazy standing at my office doors. I’ve grown to loath her words of hate. I’ve never cheated on her, never kissed another woman in 21 years but I now dream of a woman with a kind heart to hold me at night. I don’t deserve to be treated like a cheat. I worked 44 years and have given her homes and cars and vacations. I’ve gotten the same message in return a lying, crazy, loser husband and father who only cares about himself. My family is treated like they’re evil and they’ve done nothing but be kind to her.

        I pray every day to God but think he feels I need to be punished for some reason. I love my 16 year old daughter and worry my wife will starts turning against her. She has said if my daughter ever dated a non white she would kill him. She is sick but says she is honest -she admits her only problem is she has a temper. I have to laugh -yes only an anger issue that is willing to beat and more if required.

  20. Hi friends, first let me say that I’ve been a witness close up to male spousal abuse… my son. He has been with a girl for over a year. When they were dating she was great. It wasn’t until they moved in together that the verbal, emotional and physical abuse started. Without going into the nasty details, she was caught cheating a few days ago and when my son confronted her about the next morning she went balistic… destroyed the entire apartment including busting out one of the windows. The neighbors called the police.

    Long story short, she told them she was being abused. She has bruises all over her back because she fell backwards into the tub when she came home barely able to stand. My son was at work when she went out, but was home when she came home. So now with bruises to show HE is being charged with assault.

    I’ve been crying non stop for 5 days now. I’m scared for my son and I’m ashamed to say I never knew this was going on until he was literally sobbing the story out in my arms. He has broken up with her but now has to worry about these charges and the injustice of it all. Thanks for “listening.” God bless.

    1. Anne, I’m so sorry about your son. Tough and painful lesson to learn on many levels. Sad to say, I’ve heard this same story over, and over, and over again. The husband is the one who gets abused and when the police come, she claims HE abused HER and he gets charges. That’s why I always caution husbands to be careful about calling the police. It’s amazing how many times women get away with turning the table around on them. It’s SO unfair and infuriating. My heart goes out to you.

  21. My wife beat me many times without any apparent reason. We were together for two years and a half. One day, all of a sudden, she hit my head with a glass very strongly when we were arguing about some random stuff. I had several stitches. There was blood everywhere, on me, on the floor. That was not the first time she hit me, but that was the most impressive one.

    After that I gave her a last chance. But she hit me again a few monthes later. I have tiny scars everywhere on my arms because she scraught me many times. I finally left her. I didn’t mention verbal abuse from her. We are close to divorce.

    The worst thing is that except my family and people at the hospital nobody around us can imagine that she is hitting me without any apparent reason. As a man I must have done something bad to her, so I deserved to be hit. That’s pretty hard to deal with what people tend to think, but I try to not give a darn about that. I know what can happen. Even if she is weaker than me, she can grab a knife, or hit me while I can not defend myself. She already hit me when I was driving. We almost had an accident. I asked her to do something to deal with her violence but she didn’t. That makes me pretty sad…

  22. I should never had called the police to come. I requested they get her Psychiatric help. I refused to press charges. They took photos of my ripped shirt and scratches on my neck. They handcuffed her and arrested her. She is awaiting trial without bond. I can’t pay the last week of the month motel rent. All our belongings are in our motel room. The judge put a restraining order against her. I should have remained silent.

  23. My wife is verbally and physically abusive. When we spoke about it last her biggest concern was that she did not like the person she is becoming. There was nothing about the effect it has had on me. I feel completely emasculated and told her, but she used that knowledge against me in a fight a few weeks later and told me to “be a man”. Even though she apologized its still clear that she does not see me as a man.

    Since then I have stopped having any feelings for her, nothing – not even love or hate or anger. I try to ‘love unconditionally’ and have set boundaries that if she says one cuss word in a fight I am walking away which has helped ‘I think’. But she just doesn’t understand or care about how I feel. She wants me to talk to her about things but she is totally unsafe and tells me its how I say it and that I yell, but I have recorded our arguments to see if I was in fact yelling and I was not. She however was, as well as insulting me.

    The last time she slapped and kicked me, she told me that at least now I have something to be angry about, which is adding insult to injury; not only is it invalidating the other things she has done. But its basically finding something good about her abuse. I told her I was still upset about being called a name once and she told me to tell her when I needed an apology, but I won’t do that. She should know that calling me names merits an apology. I am not going to give in to that control of having to ask for an apology.

    I find myself looking for ways to keep from spending time with her. She never compliments me on things other than feminine type of stuff or church related. She doesn’t give me gifts and when she does she wants to know what I want but then when I tell her she goes out and gets me something I don’t want. Yet she complains if I don’t want sex with her or if I don’t do enough around the house, or give her enough affection. So I have made more of an effort but that has not made any difference.

    She is not abusive to the children which is a good thing. However, her apologies are not heart felt, I’ve never even gotten a “tearful” apology or any understanding for how she is affecting me, and I don’t think I ever will. I’ve been warned I should leave but at this time I strongly feel that God does not want me to. I know it sounds crazy, and I don’t often hear God that clearly but on this I have. In spite of all this and being truly unhappy in my marriage I have many other things in my life that I am happy with. I thank God everyday for those things. I can actually say that even though I find myself in a situation with an abusive person, and that the abuse is 100% not my fault, I am happy, and in a good place spiritually. I am open to restoration and until then I will protect myself and guard my heart from her. I will not compromise on my boundaries until she has proven her remorse and changed. The Lord has brought a counselor into my life and I am grateful for this. He is becoming a good friend since we are in ministry together, and I will learn as much as I can from him through this time. I feel so blessed that God has put our paths together, Its proof that He knows what we need before we even know what to ask.

  24. Well, I really reckon this is me. I married an abusive woman. I guess that’s all I got to say. Nothing more; it never ends. She doesn’t respect me, and I believe you can’t respect someone unless you got love for them. Whether that be love for your fellow man, or woman. I hope the best to everyone else.

  25. My wife hits me and calls me very hurtful names. She belittles me and makes me feel like I am not a man. I don’t know what to do; I have a 3 year old son and just lost my job.

  26. I’ve been abused by my wife verbally, emotionally, and years ago, physically. I defended myself by pushing her away on several occasions when she landed punches on my head. In counseling she would often lie and call me abusive. However, equally strangely once confronted my defensive “blocking her punches and pushing her away,” defense, she would admit she had started the abuse. But still would call my defensive actions abuse (equivocating).

    Then in our 28th year of marriage her sister told me of the physical abuse of the whole family by my wife’s father while they were growing up, and how my wife would hide for hours when her dad got home. Then my wife finally admitted to the abuse in her home. Her sister-in-law (then married to my wife’s brother) said, “why haven’t I heard any of this in 30 years? She too has been physically and emotionally abused her entire marriage.

    Point is if you marry someone who has been abused, they’re very likely to become an abuser! Secondly, they will transfer theirs. Animosity for their abusing father to the husband who is the furthest thing from an abuse. They will hate their loving husband due to transferring their feeling.

    My wife went from being sweet and loving to me and hating her abusive dad, when we were dating. Once married, and I mean the first day, she hated me and spoke about how sweet her dad was. It was scary and tragic. It remains so for a few more months until the divorce is final. She never got help, firing counselors one after another as they saw through her lies, switching churches once the truth was known.

    As an aside to Pastors who want to help often hear lies by abusive and manipulative wives in an attempt to isolate and further manipulate their husbands. Make abusers try and isolate their wife from friends and family. I have seen this happen several times. But female abusers use Pastors and counselors who are often more willing to engage in gossip and slander than the average man.

    These Pastors are easily duped and drawn into being pawned by abuses wives. Two of my friends have been kicked out of churches (without a hearing) due to the manipulation by their abusive wives working with naive and cowardly church staff. I have destroyed all of my wife’s attempts and call both pastors and their counselors to account for their ungodliness.

    Finally, men and women both: have the person you are dating describe what it was like growing up. If they have any animosity for either parent due to abuse, say “Next!”

    After 28 years of marriage my “Christian in name only-” wife has only apologized to me less than 5 times in the marriage. My mother-in-law told me her husband had never apologized to anyone in the previous 40 years. No one counseled me. No one mentored me. Run away. If you spouse was adopted there will be attachment problems and insecurity. If the were sexually abused they will abuse. If physically abused they will abuse. They should be in a hospital. Not free to destroy people in our culture.

    If a man or woman can’t describe a time at age 3 or 4 years old, with both parents having fun. And hundreds of early childhood memories that were joyful, you will need to figure out why?

    Finally, to the Christian women and men, don’t expect God to make it right. He allows significant evil in marriage. We need to be wise and gain wise counsel. I have seen couples who lived together for five years and then got married where the wife or husband transferred feelings from their abusing parent to their significant other only after marriage. You’re not safe until you have the background info, have met the parents, and corroborate the upbringing. My wife’s extended family all hides the abuse. I am exposing the abuse and coverup publically with her family and extended family.

    1. You are already very lucky to even get her to apologize 5 times; mine doesn’t at all but instead justifies her abuse! And how foolish of me I wonder, to still have to do good to my enemies as Jesus preached. My only escape is the day I die.

  27. Men in this situation need to be aware that being punched is bad enough. My ex used to punch me when I slept. I called it quits after her mother got wind of our separation and she started making death threats. Mom had murdered her husband and infant son and attemptdd to kill my now ex and her 5 brothers and sisters about 10 years before. I called the police and they laughed at me. I blew town.I am now married to a wonderful woman 35 years. This is better. If you get death threats take them seriously.Be careful.

  28. I don’t find any solution in your article. All it tells me is what is happening, no practical action that men can take. So are we to slowly die in the marriage since we all vowed “..til death do us part”? I pray daily that God takes my life, which is THE only answer I can come up with.

    1. Dear Break free, The article is meant to point out the problem, but we link to other sites that may give you insights on what you can do about the problem. As extraordinarily difficult as this may be, you might want to consider concentrating on asking God for wisdom on what you can do to break this cycle of abuse. You may need to separate for a while, or more. I’m not sure.

      I hope the situation can get to a better place without it, but you need to protect yourself, just as a wife needs to protect herself if a husband abuses her. If you aren’t safe, and if things are so volatile that you lose your will to live, pray that God will show you what you can do so you are still in His will, but you aren’t enabling her bad behavior. You aren’t your wife’s “chosen” victim for life, just because of your vow. She has no right to act this way towards you. That is not the vow you made. I pray this helps in some way and pray God gives you the wisdom, help, and hope you need.

  29. Ten years ago I met my now wife. We were in love but she was emotionally abusive yet I was attracted by that. For years it got worse, I also suffered from undiagnosed bi-polar disorder which once diagnosed on two separate occasions she took away my pills and said they only made things worse, I wasn’t bi-polar because she said so.

    After a few years I tried to leave her and my thugs were destroyed and I was hit. I’ve been whipped with my own belt, I’ve been bitten and mangled. My pinky is disfigured because she used the heel of her shoe like a hammer on it. I grabbed the shoe and swung back, it made a scar above the knee that eventually went away, but to this day I’m reminded how she cannot believe I could have done that. She couldn’t wear a mini skirt on public. I questioned what kind of person I was, why was I abusing her. The belts, the bites and my mangled pinky are things I’d like to seek answers big never had she shown remorse, in fact she laughs, she thinks it’s funny, but I’m a man she says.

    I work construction and often am unemployed. I’m not allowed to get a minimum wage job more am I allowed to pursue the delusions of my dream job as a novelist and artist. I have great talent but the only skills I have I have taught myself, to be fair my depression makes it hard to speak to strangers or interact in public so finding a job can be difficult. She has offered to pay for my schooling as ong as it is practice and not artistic. I couldn’t get past the public speaking and dropped out, not because I was lazy as she tells me but because I was terrified.

    Years ago I decided I couldn’t marry her and told her so. She kicked me in the balls on the street and struck me more. I’ve tried to leave her but I can’t afford to live on my own. I don’t have friends. The one time I did get an apartment I had to pack and leave behind her back. Because of this she drove her car through my garage and stole all my things. Because I had done this behind her back she felt justified. I had tried in the past to leave and not in secret and my things were set on fire, tossed out the window and she blocked the door. Three years into our relationship she and her mother ganged up on me for being abusive because I yell, which is unexceptable. I lose my temper when I’m insulted and my feelings are ignored. I don’t see her botching as justification for my yelling but I do point out I am emotionally abused and when she mistreats me like this I on my own wrong doing and of no fault to hers yell and can’t control that. Now our neighbor says I yell and she can hear my wife crying.

    My wife manages the building we live in. She cries because she cannot believe I can disrespect her and her job so much that I can’t control my anger. She is going to PSE her job because of me she cries. Why because I’m yelling does no one understand the words I’m shouting are please stop! Leave me alone, I can’t take it, stop! She is refusing me for not respecting her or her job. I don’t want to yell and I don’t want to fight, but I also don’t want to be disrespected by her insults that have perpetuated my yelling, which is a huge chicken and the egg story and an argument I can’t win. I am an abuser and for years now cannot control my anger, our fights begin now because I beg for her to stop being rude to me which she feels justified feeling because I have abused her, I ask her to stop not because I don’t deserve it but it is what she asks of me but she doesn’t see the coronation, I can’t critisize things she has bought me at my request because they are the wrong thing time and time again. This is unbelievable she says. I try hard to sound thankful and this is what I would like next time. I believe so many of the things she says to me are belittling and her tone is rude but I can’t prove it, if I can she finds justification.

    I left her two years ago and lived homeless for part of a year until I crawled back. I can’t escape her so I married her. I do love her but she needs to change and if she can’t then I will continue to leave, she will continue to stalk and abuse me when I do and continue to abuse me and convince everyone around me I am the abuser. We both are abusers, but because she’s a woman and I have a short fuse no one sees or understand the pain she inflicts on me, they only see how terrible I am because I have yelled.

    I moved out of state on a opportunity with my employer and she phrased a phone with the regions area code and impersonated a bail bondsman who was trying to find me on a warrant, which was all made up. She then with the address they gave her flew there. When I opened the hotel door one day after work she was sitting on my bed. The manager had been convinced enough that she was my wife even though I’ve never spoken or seen him. She had already taken all my clothes and if I wanted them back I had to go with her. I escaped. I soon learned I had no money because she had taken from my belongings a folder for a new bank account, which I needed after I canceled our joint checking account when I left her. She was able to get a the Bank manager at her home town bank of which she has banked with since high school to believe I had accidentally cancelled the account, which is not supposed to be recoverable and now I was in another state and had no money. They took sympathy and despite policy deactivate the account. She then with that folder used the information to set up online banking. She then drained my account, which she was able to do because of the hint checking account. My bank then shocked, confirmed my account could not again have an option for online banking however two weeks later when I deposited my next check she was able to link it with online banking and drained my account again. My bank then gave me proof of her crime. I reported this to the police, the officers looked
    annoyed and told me this was a domestic problem and not hers, if I wanted to wait more I could. I left and eventually I ended up back with her.

    We’ve been seeing a counselor recently. I’ve been asked to come every other week alone. My wife saw this as proof I had a problem and needed extra work. I only went alone once, we came together and she was told by the therapist she doesn’t let me speak. This has infuriated her. She now thinks the therapist is on my side. The following session I was going to go alone and after a big fight I left to do so. I waited in my car because I was early. Then my wife pulled in behind me and her and her mother stepped out, nothing looking so angry at me, I am an abuser just like her father. Her mother never let any of us forget that, and she never lets me forget my issues with Chelsea are in the past and I should move on from that for the sake of my relationship. First off I’m not holding onto the past, I’m still punished for the past and I bring up what she has done as partmof my defense. There is such an absence of logic in their argument and mine has never changed and I’ve never lied yet I need to explain what I mean like they have never heard me say it before. But to continue, they were there to see the therapist with me, which I

    My only issue that needs to be satisfied for me to be content in this relationship is I ask to be treated with respect and equally. I’m reminded I don’t have a job, I don’t contribute; I’m a sponge. I do have a job. I watch our two children and am a stay at home father. Before that I was a licensed electrician and close to starting to make some actual money but she wanted kids and her income is nice so she said I needed to quit so we can have them now instead of five years from now when you would be making what she makes now and she could quit her job. Not an option, she doesn’t think she can rely on my like that, I am a used of hypothetically leaving her when I finally make enough money to support myself, and she would be too old to have kids. That’s true, I probably would once I could afford it leave her, not because I wanted to but because whenever I have had a job and it’s sucsessful she felt so threatened I have been forced to quit those jobs. When I’ve been unemployed she has been at her mildest, yet all the years I didn’t work are her bases for so much of her anger, and yes much of that was part of my depression and inaction to deal with it or identify it.

    I have been arrested for domestic violence, once for hitting, the other when unknowingly I sat on and broke her phone which was in my back pocket and full proof she had been cheating on me. She bailed me out and was waiting for me outside the station. I refused to get in Her car but she followed me and reality settled in. I had no money for the bus, and no where to go. I gave up and got in the car. She used the restraining order of protection against me as a weapon to keep me from saying or doing anything she disapproved of. I was a hostage basically. I want to leave her now but I dont know how to.