Husband’s Sexual Needs: Man Or Monster?


After 27 years of marriage, I’m just beginning to understand my husband’s sexual needs.

I DO know that his need for sexual contact is much stronger than mine. While I would be thrilled, with a romantic rendezvous about twice a month, his need is more intense.

I noticed a pattern: the longer he went without sexual intimacy, the more irritable he became. On the days when we made love, Ron was mellow and easygoing about things that might normally have bothered him. During the day after, he was still patient, kind, and cuddly as a six-foot teddy bear. On the third day after our “session”, he would start to get restless and make sarcastic comments like, ”Don’t worry about me. You just live your life and I’ll wait here.”

Then, if we hadn’t “played doctor” in four days, the veins in his eyes would get red and bulgy and his upper lip would start to twitch. If we went into the fifth day, he’d start to gnaw on the sofa.

The longer he went without release, the more pressurized —that is, grumpy —he became. If we ever went a whole week without sex, it’s as if his skin would turn green, black bolts would pop out of his neck, and he would morph into Franken-Husband.

Ladies, if you aren’t “taking care of business” a couple times a week, you may be creating your own monster.

Ron and I talked about my theory, and he agreed with it. He said, “After several days without sex, I start to feel like you don’t care about me. It isn’t a conscious decision, but my resentment just starts to build and keeps getting worse each day that you ignore or reject me.”

Men Need Release

Then, I did some research and it confirmed our experience. Men’s need for sexual release is based on actual physical, hormonal needs. Many studies agree that because of sperm production, natural testosterone, and other factors, men naturally want sexual release about every seventy-two hours, or three days.

Men need sexual contact. God designed them that way. It’s not bad or dirty or perverted, it just is. If a wife makes an effort to meet her husband’s needs, he’ll be more willing to meet hers. Sex is number one on Ron’s priority list and approximately number forty-seven on mine, but I have learned to honor its importance to him.

You are Sex-Driving Me Crazy!

I don’t fully understand the hormonal, physical male sex drive, but I do know a thing or two about the female hormone cycles. Ladies, have you ever gone on a PMS-driven mission called “Gotta have chocolate, or someone’s gonna die?” I have. I once ransacked every drawer in my son’s room looking for last year’s semi-sweet Easter Bunny’s ear.

I’ve clawed through the kitchen cupboards like [the movie character] Indiana Jones on a quest, looking for a little golden bag containing stale chocolate chips. As I ripped it open and blissfully inhaled the aroma, my pulse reacted as if I’d just found the necklace that the old lady threw off the Titanic.

Now imagine that you’re on a take-no-prisoners chocolate chase and your husband has a Snickers bar in his locked briefcase —but he won’t give you the key. He has the capability to relieve your hormonal obsession, but he refuses. How would you feel about him? Would you think that he was selfish? Mean? Cruel?

Ron says that’s how a man feels when his wife rejects his sexual needs.


Would You Like a Me-Burger?

If you think of a man’s sexual need as a hunger, his desire can be satisfied in many different ways. Each “feeding” does not have to be a banquet. His wife could “feed the need” with a snack, a meal, or a feast.

Often, a quick snack will satisfy his appetite. (Use your imagination here) Other times, he’ll be thrilled to sit down (lie down) for a simple meal. On special occasions, however, get out the good china (satin sheets), send the children to Grandma’s house, and flambé a fabulous feast.

Ladies, next time your husband gets hungry for you and you’re too tired to prepare a banquet, ask him, “How about a quick snack?” He’ll probably be thrilled that you’re not rejecting him, and you’ll be able to meet his need without resenting it.

Don’t Make Him Beg

Bambi had four children in five years. She went from being a sex kitten to a fat cat who craved catnaps. She lost all interest in sex and was so tired that she had a “headache” for most of the next decade. When her husband tried to get frisky, she’d often arch her back and hiss, “You must be kidding!” He wasn’t. She refused him so many times that he quit asking. Not surprisingly, they’re now divorced and in the middle of a bitter custody battle over the kittens.

Men have fragile egos in this area and, in order to avoid rejection, they may stop pursuing their wives. Ladies, if your husband isn’t asking anymore, immediately sprint into a lingerie shop. I mean now, this minute! March in there, and buy a little —and I mean little —something. Then call your hubby and say, “I’m cooking up something special for dinner —hurry home!”

Unless your husband is a eunuch, he has sexual needs. Do your best to satisfy them.

“But I’m Embarrassed”

I don’t know why, but men are stimulated by visual cues. That’s why they’re much more likely to look at pornography than women are.

That’s also why they like to make love with the lights on. I’d prefer the flattering glow of a single votive candle, but Ron wants to use the same wattage a dentist uses for a root canal. So we have a conflict.

We’ve been married for 27 years and my body is almost fifty years old, and it’s showing signs of wear. I think of it as a comfy sofa: lumpy, frayed, and a little saggy. I try to avoid full-length mirrors, but my hubby still wants to see me —and that’s a good thing.

Several years ago, we discovered a wonderful compromise: we use a red or pink light bulb in the lamp next to our bed. I know it sounds crazy, but don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. The rosy glow diminishes most flaws, wrinkles, and stretch marks. You can buy these magic bulbs at most larger grocery stores for less than five dollars.

Discussing Sexual Needs

Ideally, you should be at a place in your marriage where you can ask each other, “Are you happy with our sex life?” If one of you is not, ask, “Why not?” As a married couple, it’s vital that you are able to discuss your needs openly and honestly. If it’s important to one of you, it needs to be important to both of you.

Metaphorically speaking, if the wife waters the husband and the husband waters the wife, they will both be satisfied. “Drink water from your own well —share your love only with your wife [husband]” (Proverbs 5:15 NLT).

This article is adapted from the book, Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome, written by Nancy C Anderson, published by Kregel Publications. It was written by Nancy, who strayed to the other side of the marital fence —and returned to find forgiveness and restoration. Author Nancy C Anderson and her husband Ron, speak nationally to couples’ groups of all denominations. They share their message of hope and restoration with tenderness and humor. If you live in the United States and would like for them to speak with your group please contact them at You may also want to visit their blog at

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254 responses to “Husband’s Sexual Needs: Man Or Monster?

  1. So this article is saying that I should just have sex with my husband whenever he wants it regardless of whether I want it? Seriously.

    1. You need to ask God to give you that desire for him in that moment. Bible says that’s a door for the enemy o come into you’re marriage and destroy it.

    2. So, Angie, what YOU’RE saying is that you should only have sex on the days YOU want it, regardless of when he wants it? Seriously?!?

    3. YES… YES …YES and YES! Men want sex; it is important to us like eating and sleeping. I don’t understand why this is a hard concept for women.

    4. I lived basically a sexless marriage. I guess it must have started after my 1st son was born. So when it came time to conceive for my second child 2 years later… (I remember praying to God that I did not want to do this.)

      My husband is a VERY good man but something happened and I no longer had any desire for him whatsoever. And to this day I do not know what happened to our relationship, but I was not happy in our marriage. I felt that something was wrong with me. When my youngest son, we divorced. My sons are now 19 and 17 years old and I love both of them so very much. And I am still quite close with him.

      I have now married again. I was extremely reluctant to enter into marriage again because I don’t want to ruin another man’s life. Prior to my current husband I had no desire to be with another man or even another relationship. But something was different about this man. He woke up feelings that I had lost years ago. I feel like I am in high school again. Our sex life is out of this world. I cannot get enough of my new husband. This November will be our fourth wedding anniversary. I now know how a good healthy sex life is vital to a strong, happy marriage.

      1. I’m so sad that you were not able to get the help and insight you needed to be able to get to this place in your first marriage. Desire CAN come back… I know that firsthand, and have seen it repeatedly in the lives of other spouses. I’m sorry you never got to that place. I’m also sad that your sons never got to see their parents rebuild their marriage into a strong one. But I pray for you and your ex-husband, that God will help you both to carry on with your separate lives and build good ones. It sounds like you are doing that.

        I pray if things get to a place where you are “not happy” in your marriage, that you hang in there and work to get it to that place. It is always God’s desire that we do that within our first marriage. But since that is no longer possible, make sure with this marriage, that you pull out all stops to make this one work in ways that are God-honoring, persevering through whatever comes your way. May you be blessed.

        1. Hi Cindy, Thank you for your loving kind words. I do feel bad for my ex, but I still see and am a very much a part of his and both of my boys life.

          Though I am not sure if my boys will ever accept my new husband and his girls will they accept me? I guess time will tell. I just know I have never been happier. I truly believe my current husband was a gift to me from God. I thank God every night for giving me such a wonderful, loving man that loves me. God Bless you too… ❤

    5. If you LOVE your husband and he is important to you, just giving him sex is not good enough. If you do not reciprocate and truly want him, he will know and your relationship will wither.

      I am speaking from my own experience. So please if you value your marriage, find some way to find that spark that brought you together in the first place before it is too late.

  2. Sex is not a need in any way! Stop lying; no one died without sex ever and character traits are not affected by quantity of sex encounters. Besides, why does a woman have to selflessly endure humiliating painfull useless sex that only the male wants? Sex completely destroys women and yet according to article she has to make the man “happy”. It doesn’t even matter to the male how the woman feels during sex, all they care about is being a “stick-it-in” animal monster. God’s supposed to love women, not send them to torture. Don’t marry men who want sex and they won’t run away with using it as excuse. Sex is abuse and it should be less of it in marriage, not more.

    1. Um, I think you might be doing it wrong. In my marriage it is very enjoyable and satisfying for both of us, bringing us closer than we could have ever imagined. Beautiful!

    1. If you try it it just may pleasure you enough enough to go all the way. But oral takes practice, and practice makes perfect.

  3. Thank you, this is very helpful. We have been married for twenty years and I agree 100 percent with this article. My husband has told me he cannot survive for longer than three days, so i make it my priority to connect with him on an intimate level before the three days is up. Often we will have a “quickie” as I am tired or he just needs a quick release. When we have made love and connected it puts our relationship into a different level. He is also able to focus on work and he makes much sounder business decisions if he is not sexually frustrated. We as women have such an amazing gift to unlock so much for our husbands.

    1. Thank you Sam, for your affirmation. How we wish we could explain this to more women, how important it is to connect in this important way. It doesn’t make sense to many of us, but it still works. A lot of things we do (especially spiritually) doesn’t make sense, but it doesn’t stop it from working when we participate. It’s like men who don’t understand why women have such a need for conversation and connection in that way. Whether they understand it or not, it’s vital to women to connect with their husbands this way. So they should make the effort, and grow in that way. Whether we understand or not, if it’s important to our spouse, we should connect with them in those (non-abusive) ways. It’s all about love, and giving of ourselves what we can. Isn’t that what we vowed to do on our wedding day?

      I’m so glad you recognize this need in your husband and you give of yourself what you can. This is a God-honoring approach to our married life. May God bless you all the more for doing this and sharing it with us, as an affirmation.

  4. Husband for 21 years of starving for intimacy and sex. Wife could care less. I have spent much of it just sleeping on the couch. I’m tired of it. I really don’t want to be with her anymore. The more I try to be close and intimate the more I’m rejected and told “thats all I ever want is sex.” And that may be true to some extent. Really I just need intimacy and sex and kissing beyond a quick peck. When sex becomes an option then its “hurry up it hurts, aren’t you done yet? Hurry up. Glad that’s over with.” I’ve had it!

    It’s been months this time and I’m done with asking and waiting. She will change or I’m leaving or she is. I don’t care who takes what, just leave. Hate this mess and I’m not doing it anymore. Oh and she started today. Of course and extra week or so to slide by while I calm down. That isn’t going to work this time. No promises, no excuses. I will leave this time, or she will. I quit, I quit my job, I quit doing everything only to get ignored. I quit, I’m not going to sit and watch her read a book all night and the play clash of clans until the day is over. I’m going to start WW3 at my house. This will be the fight that makes her or me leave. I just feel for my son.

    1. Hi Al, Horrible really. I am a husband married 37 years and I can only imagine what that is like. Sounds like you have already given up… that your post above has been written too late? Perhaps a few websites which will help you and your wife? Written and spoke by women! Please see below:

      I really hope these will give your wife a different perspective…Take care, WP (Work in Progress).

  5. I have been married 17.5 years. Men and women both have needs. But one shouldn’t have sex when they dont want it. That causes resentment, it isnt love then it is obligation. I want my husband to love making love with me and not be made to do so. I want sex (actually physical) far more than he does. He actually tells me he is tired. Sex is something that happens on his terms but if I say no he will be at me til he gets it even if it means we don’t get to sleep. Here is the major thing. Men can control there urges just as if they were single. He has a Porn addiction in which seems to me is far more important than our marriage. I have tried numerous time to talk to him about it and see if our marriage lacks something what he needs, why he feels he has to watch porn and he also lies to me about it even when I pull it up in the comp history and show him. He sneaks to watch it when I am away from home and he will get back up at night after I fall asleep to watch it even after we have been intimate.

    Last night I point blank let him know I wasn’t going to stick around to let him treat me with so little respect and love that a year of avoiding talking to me and trying to get help was destroying our marriage. His facial expression never changed (not a care in the world really). Yet he tells me he loves me. Before marriage I was very forward with him in letting him know the one thing that will destroy our marriage is lies. I have to have trust in our relationship. I do not trust him, I have lost all trust in him. I do still love him but my heart feels so much pain and loss from all this and I have described how I feel and his only response is “I am Sorry” yet also he says “He cant stop watching the porn.”

    My whole basis for this and responding to your article is that Giving sex to your partner even if you dont want sex at the time does not equal a good marriage or trustworthy marriage. Issues at hand must be brought up and never avoided. It takes both to get the help needed. It may be his porn addiction but the wife is effected as well so both need to seek help.