After 27 years of marriage, I’m just beginning to understand my husband’s sexual needs.
I DO know that his need for sexual contact is much stronger than mine. While I would be thrilled, with a romantic rendezvous about twice a month, my husband’s sexual needs are more intense.
I noticed a pattern: the longer he went without sexual intimacy, the more irritable he became. On the days when we made love, Ron was mellow and easygoing about things that might normally have bothered him. During the day after, he was still patient, kind, and cuddly as a six-foot teddy bear. On the third day after our “session”, he would start to get restless and make sarcastic comments like, ”Don’t worry about me. You just live your life and I’ll wait here.”
Then, if we hadn’t “played doctor” in four days, the veins in his eyes would get red and bulgy and his upper lip would start to twitch. If we went into the fifth day, he’d start to gnaw on the sofa.
The longer he went without release, the more pressurized —that is, grumpy —he became. If we ever went a whole week without sex, it’s as if his skin would turn green, black bolts would pop out of his neck, and he would morph into Franken-Husband.
Ladies, if you aren’t “taking care of business” a couple times a week, you may be creating your own monster.
Ron and I talked about my theory, and he agreed with it. He said, “After several days without sex, I start to feel like you don’t care about me. It isn’t a conscious decision, but my resentment just starts to build and keeps getting worse each day that you ignore or reject me.”
Husband’s Sexual Needs for Release
Then, I did some research and it confirmed our experience. Men’s need for sexual release is based on actual physical, hormonal needs. Many studies agree that because of sperm production, natural testosterone, and other factors, men naturally want sexual release about every seventy-two hours, or three days.
Men need sexual contact. God designed them that way. It’s not bad or dirty or perverted, it just is. If a wife makes an effort to meet her husband’s sexual needs, he’ll be more willing to meet hers. Sex is number one on Ron’s priority list and approximately number forty-seven on mine, but I have learned to honor its importance to him.
You are Sex-Driving Me Crazy!
I don’t fully understand the hormonal, physical male sex drive, but I do know a thing or two about the female hormone cycles. Ladies, have you ever gone on a PMS-driven mission called “Gotta have chocolate, or someone’s gonna die?” I have. I once ransacked every drawer in my son’s room looking for last year’s semi-sweet Easter Bunny’s ear.
I’ve clawed through the kitchen cupboards like [the movie character] Indiana Jones on a quest, looking for a little golden bag containing stale chocolate chips. As I ripped it open and blissfully inhaled the aroma, my pulse reacted as if I’d just found the necklace that the old lady threw off the Titanic.
Now imagine that you’re on a take-no-prisoners chocolate chase and your husband has a Snickers bar in his locked briefcase —but he won’t give you the key. He has the capability to relieve your hormonal obsession, but he refuses. How would you feel about him? Would you think that he was selfish? Mean? Cruel?
Ron says that’s how a man feels when his wife rejects his sexual needs.
Ouch.
Would You Like a Me-Burger?
If you think of your husband’s sexual needs as a hunger, his desire can be satisfied in many different ways. Each “feeding” does not have to be a banquet. His wife could “feed the need” with a snack, a meal, or a feast.
Often, a quick snack will satisfy his appetite. (Use your imagination here.) Other times, he’ll be thrilled to sit down (lie down) for a simple meal. On special occasions, however, get out the good china (satin sheets), send the children to Grandma’s house, and flambé a fabulous feast.
Ladies, next time your husband gets hungry for you and you’re too tired to prepare a banquet, ask him, “How about a quick snack?” He’ll probably be thrilled that you’re not rejecting him, and you’ll be able to meet his need without resenting it.
Don’t Make Him Beg
Bambi had four children in five years. She went from being a sex kitten to a fat cat who craved catnaps. She lost all interest in sex and was so tired that she had a “headache” for most of the next decade. When her husband tried to get frisky, she’d often arch her back and hiss, “You must be kidding!” He wasn’t. She refused him so many times that he quit asking. Not surprisingly, they’re now divorced and in the middle of a bitter custody battle over the kittens.
Men have fragile egos in this area and, in order to avoid rejection, they may stop pursuing their wives. Ladies, if your husband isn’t asking anymore, immediately sprint into a lingerie shop. I mean now, this minute! March in there, and buy a little —and I mean little —something. Then call your hubby and say, “I’m cooking up something special for dinner —hurry home!”
Unless your husband is a eunuch, he has sexual needs. Do your best to satisfy them.
“But I’m Embarrassed”
I don’t know why, but men are stimulated by visual cues. That’s why they’re much more likely to look at pornography than women are.
That’s also why they like to make love with the lights on. I’d prefer the flattering glow of a single votive candle, but Ron wants to use the same wattage a dentist uses for a root canal. So we have a conflict.
We’ve been married for 27 years and my body is almost fifty years old, and it’s showing signs of wear. I think of it as a comfy sofa: lumpy, frayed, and a little saggy. I try to avoid full-length mirrors, but my hubby still wants to see me —and that’s a good thing.
Several years ago, we discovered a wonderful compromise: we use a red or pink light bulb in the lamp next to our bed. I know it sounds crazy, but don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. The rosy glow diminishes most flaws, wrinkles, and stretch marks. You can buy these magic bulbs at most larger grocery stores for less than five dollars.
Discussing Wife’s and Husband’s Sexual Needs Together
Ideally, you should be at a place in your marriage where you can ask each other, “Are you happy with our sex life?” If one of you is not, ask, “Why not?” As a married couple, it’s vital that you are able to discuss your needs openly and honestly. If it’s important to one of you, it needs to be important to both of you.
Metaphorically speaking, if the wife waters the husband and the husband waters the wife, they will both be satisfied. “Drink water from your own well —share your love only with your wife [husband]” (Proverbs 5:15 NLT).
This article is adapted from the book, Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome, written by Nancy C Anderson, published by Kregel Publications. It was written by Nancy, who strayed to the other side of the marital fence —and returned to find forgiveness and restoration. Author Nancy C Anderson and her husband Ron, speak nationally to couples’ groups of all denominations. They share their message of hope and restoration with tenderness and humor. If you live in the United States and would like for them to speak with your group please contact them at Nancycanderson.com.
IF YOU ARE MARRIED and you have additional tips you can share, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
Filed under: Sexual Issues
(USA) I don’t agree with this article at all. Women are just as sexual as men! Women need to have THEIR needs met as well. But we also want to be desired for our minds, our compatibility with our partners, and who we are as a whole person. Sometimes, we really ARE tired and worn out, after being expected to work full-time, take care of kids (if we have any), AND do the majority of the housework. Sometimes we feel, with good reason, as though the only time our husbands pay attention to us is in the bedroom. We’re not regarded as human beings, but play toys, regardless of what our husbands SAY to us. When we call them on it, we’re told we’re to blame for being nags about their unacceptable behaviors, or about their unwillingness to help us out with other life responsibilities.
I need a partner in life, a teammate. Someone whose first thought when he gets home from work is how happy he is to see me, like I am to see him. Someone who has his own friends and interests, but who understands the balance between time with friends and time with his wife. Someone who will help with housework if we’re both working, so that his wife doesn’t feel like she’s his maid. Someone who understands that how a man treats his woman in the day-to-day life, affects how she will feel she’s being regarded… whether she feels like a beloved WIFE, or a maid and play thing. I’ve been single for a few years now, after a divorce from a neglectful and cheating husband and a couple of other unhealthy relationships. I learned through those experiences, and through the few interested men I’ve met since, that so far in my experience, that really is the only thing on their minds when they tell me they are interested. A relationship is soooo much more than just sex. If a man can’t handle that with me, then he can hit the road. I will reluctantly remain single for the rest of my life, if I don’t find a man who grasps that.
(US) I am a man and to let you know I am a Christian. I want to let you know this is normal. My wife after we had a baby did not have any sexual interest towards me any more. We began to have separate bedrooms and she slept with our daughter. I was angry and thought it was about me. I tried hard to figure it out. Now we are divorced. My sexual appetite was so high. I was going crazy. I prayed that I would never have any sexual thoughts or desire.
Well, finally my prayers were answered. I am now 56 and have no desire to get married or have sex anymore. I am free and feel great. It is now gone and I no longer need a relationship with any women. I praise God so much that he removed this thought and urge from me. I am now so happy and will say I am glad I no longer have this problem. Now I know that you still have the desire. I suggest you speak with you pastor concerning your problem. Or you can see a therapist. I hope you figure it out and will have you in my prayers. :)
(CORPUS CHRISTI) In need of some serious advice please… My husband and I have been together for 5 yrs & married for 3. We have a beautiful 2 yr old daughter but I’ve noticed that ever since I’ve had my daughter my sex drive just ain’t the same any more :/ I honestly don’t know what to do anymore when four-play doesn’t even work any more! Don’t get me wrong, I’m truly in love with my husband but we just don’t have that every day sex like we used to anymore. I can honestly go months without sex. It breaks my heart when my husband confronts me about it saying that he doesn’t feel loved anymore & he thinks I have someone else on the side… when I DONT! I will always be faithful to my husband.
It’s like I try to explain to him… How do you want me to come home & try to pleasure you when my job as mother ain’t done! And when my mommy duties are finally OVER all I want to do is lay in my nice comfortable bed & just sleep from being exhausted all day! I tell him “Well if maybe you kinda helped me around the house & with our daughter after you get out of work maybe I wouldn’t be as tired to give in so easily! But he just doesn’t seem to get it! Its like he just gets home & thinks his job is done for the day! I’m grateful to have such a hard working man but it wouldn’t kill him to kind of help me out, knowing that my job as a mother is a 24/7 thing… My mom says it’s cause I’m so stressed & need some me time. But that’s just impossible!
Priscilla, You really need to read through the articles in the topic, “Children’s Effect on Marriage.” I think you will get a better understanding of all of this –perhaps a bigger view. Yes, your husband needs to help you. Yes, you are tired after working all day and then have a daughter to take care of as well. Yes, your husband should be more involved for the sake of your marriage… but also for your sake, and also for your daughter’s sake. And yes, I get it that you’re tired and all you want to do is go to your “nice comfortable bed and sleep” after you’re done with everything. I’ve been there.
But you may eventually be sleeping alone, where you and your husband are no longer together in any positive way –because you will be divorced physically as well as emotionally, if something doesn’t change. I just want you to recognize that. If you think you’re tired now, you haven’t seen anything until you are shouldering all of this alone. Please know Priscilla, this is fixable. Yes, you will still be tired, even when you find ways to steal time for your marriage from other areas in your life. The stage of raising children –especially when you are working outside the home (or even in it) is an exhausting time in life. But please pay attention to your marriage and to your husband.
You might say, “but what about me… what about him helping me?” Yes, that’s true. But oftentimes it takes one spouse who gets the bigger picture of the whole package –the marriage AND parenting, to start the momentum in the right direction so the other spouse eventually gets it, as well. It takes knowledge (which the recommended articles and web sites can help you with) and the right approach, as you learn how to do that and WHEN to do that, to get your relationship with your husband on the right path. You might think, “when will I have time for that?” Just think about it as an investment in your future and in your daughter’s future. The best gift you can give her is to give her a stable home –one in which mom and dad love each other and show it. You will then be leading her by example, for a better outlook on life, her family, and what a good home life and marriage looks like as she approaches that time of life herself, in the future.
I have a niece from a broken home that is horribly hurt because she never saw a good marriage modeled in her home. Her husband is in the same boat –being from a broken home. They are now trying to break that pattern in their own marriage but as they say, it’s SO much more difficult because they fall into the pattern of their parent’s hurtful behaviors. I hope better for you and your husband. He needs to know that he is top on your priority list. And eventually, as he sees that, I have a feeling he may do that for you, if he is a good hearted guy. Remember your vows. Live them… find ways to live them. Women can be amazingly resourceful when we determine to do something important. And this is important… it’s important for you, for your husband, and for your daughter.
(USA) Priscilla from Corpus Christi -This is a phase in your marriage. I can relate to your comment. I have several children & a very traditional husband who based on his upbringing feels children & home are woman’s work, and man works, fixes what’s broke & provides. I knew his personality when I married him so I try not to waste time complaining about it. I also work full time M-F, his mother never worked …but whatever.
When it came to sex when my children were younger & very needy, I had to force myself to comply & I was often angry & resentful that I had to. These days I’m the one whos pressing him & he’s the one with the headache. I’m 36, he 42 & now that my twins are 12 & my two oldest 17 & 19, I’m full of energy because my children are not so needy as they were as small children. For a time I thought of sex as a duty, just like laundry. This too shall pass & you have to do what is necessary for your marriage because after kids (and there is an after) the two of you will be only left with each other.
(USA) Have sex twice a week unless someone is in the hospital. Put it on your calendars. If you can show up for your job or to your child’s school event, you can show up to your marriage. Excused absences require a note from a doctor or psychologist. Three unexcused absences and you have abandoned your spouse and the marriage.
Now, of course this may require you getting less overtime, a babysitter, hormones, therapy, quitting drinking or porn, a vasectomy or tubal ligation, whatever it is you need to do to keep up your end of the bargain. The mistake is blaming and shaming your partner over their natural and basic human needs. A spouse should not have to “earn” sex by taking out the trash, losing weight, or anything else; they had it coming the day they said “I do” and excluded all other prospects. The exception is if they have already broken the marriage contract via abuse or adultery; this would require a time of “fasting” as described in the Bible until the contract was mended, or until the divorce if that is to be the outcome of the breach.
Spontaneity is nice but don’t bet the farm on it. Once you get your sex date on the calendar (make a commitment), your mind will think up ways to make it better and better for both parties as time goes on. Under this plan, you can even retain the power of saying no when your partner tries to get an extra time, if that is your pleasure. The other can “chase” it those other five days but not be overly frustrated by the turn-down. What a fun game, if that is your thing. And if someone “gets it over with” by providing a quickie ahead of the appointed time, good for them. Now they can read a book that night instead. It is your HOMEWORK, people.
A woman’s body goes through so many changes in life that affect her libido, which can make her sexual desire one big jigsaw puzzle to figure out (and get around) for the man. I am a woman, and in my opinion at 52, and all in hindsight, the best regulator of women’s hormones is regular sex. Don’t knock it until you try it. As for you guys that starve your wives for sex, you’re just plain defective and do a lot of harm. Fix yourself and not your spouse. The Bible states that you are to desire her. Certainly you should also be gentle and accommodating if you want her to share cheerfully and not out of obligation. Sex should never hurt or feel uncomfortable. You should not degrade your wife, your own flesh, just because it is in your power to do so.
But when you make the sex negotiable, you say you are smarter than God. He said you are one flesh. And we mustn’t war against our own members, true? Let us glorify Him in all things, in abstinence as singles and in abundance as marrieds.
(CANADA) Jayce, what a great post! I’ve been reading all of the messages here for some time and I really appreciate the difference in perspective yours gives. Especially since you are repeating my (newfound) theory, which is that ‘if you don’t use it, you lose it’. I have gone through huge variations in my libido over the years and have recently come to the same conclusion, there is something about regular sex that keeps the desire going. I wish I would have known it in my thirties. Have a great day.
(U.K) I appreciate all of the above comments but would like today possibly a few more. My wife and beautiful child are my everything. I work in places like Iraq , Libya or Afghanistan or anything else that pays the bills. I spent 8 years in the British military and a fair majority of that abroad. Now before anyone judges or comments let me make it clear I enjoy my job, and unfortunately my skills are not the kind employers may seek in the uk. I have missed over 3 years of my daughters life so far and to meet our financial requirements need to work in the industry I do as my wife has a job she enjoys but unfortunately it does not pay very well. As I said I do not hate my job but it pays the bills and requires around 8 months of my life each year. I am responsible for the protection of other people’s lives and as such it can be quite an intense occupation.
My question is this: my wife can hardly be bothered to know me. Don’t get me wrong she isn’t directly nasty but sex or intimacy is something I have to ask for. She has never gone the extra mile per-se and ever even met me at the airport on return from being away for months and months at a time ANSI have been home nearly a week now and has not even bothered to attempt an intimate kiss let alone a hug without me trying it first.
Truth be told I am extremely scared as I have just agreed to buy a house with her (and yes it is sale complete and legally binding) adding more financial pressure and I’m wandering if I’m only home 4 months a year and she doesn’t even want to know me what hope do we have? I appreciate I sound extremely selfish in asking my question here but I do work hard for and work out physically; I am never aggressive or physical, verbal or anything else I believe a bad husband. I feel honestly that inevitably I may end up straying which I know is wrong but if I only have 4 months a year in a normal environment withouth the stress of work and my own wife is not even interested then where do I go from here?
(USA) Thank God I found this forum. I thought I was the only male who felt like this and that maybe I needed to go see a doctor about my high sex drive (as my wife had suggested). I have been frustrated for about a year now and it’s getting to the point where I’m just quiet with my wife at night time, when we talk. I tell her that I’d like more intimacy than maybe once or twice a week and not “let’s get it over with” attitude that she has. I’ve told her that I desire her and would like to have fun when we are intimate -not like “okay let’s check that off the list of things that need to be done this week.” That’s how it makes me feel. She states that I’m playing the “victim” -so at the end of the discussion feelings are hurt and we’re both upset. So, I quit telling her how I felt, because I’ve tried to in the past many times and always with the same results.
I am always initiating for intimacy, and most of the time I am rejected, and it makes me feel like I’m “Nothing”. I do what I can to help out with my wife at home; laundry, clean the house, make dinner, go grocery shopping, pick up kids from school, help with homework, etc. The list goes on. I buy her flowers for no reason and tell her simply because I love her, make her a cup of coffee in the morning, get our son’s clothes laid out for him for school the next day, pack his bookbag and so on. I work full-time and then come home to help out. Now, she doesn’t work and has been looking for work for two years now and there is always some excuse; the kids are awake (funny never was an issue before), I feel tired, I’m bored all day, I’m not a barbie doll, etc.
I tell her it would be one thing if I said, “Hey, how about we bring a another woman into this.” Yes, then she would have every right to be upset. I tell her that the only woman I want is her and at least make me feel “wanted and desired.” I mean I don’t look like Quaismodo, keep my personal hygiene up, I really pay attention to her and listen when she needs to talk, etc.
The other day I tried to initiate and she just ignored me. Then when she could tell that it bothered me -she then said that if I wanted to then we could. By that time I told her “No” -I have to get dinner ready (I made an excuse). I have told her so many times in the past that I want intimacy with her and for it not to feel like it’s a “chore” for her -and that’s how she made it seem when she changed her mind and said that if I wanted to. I feel like I shouldn’t have to beg and ask all the time. I understand that it can’t be 50/50 all the time in initiating, yet not like how it is now 95/5.
I’m 46-years-old and she is 33-years-old. She keeps telling me that I should act my age, instead of acting like a teenager. Seems like it would be her (because of her age) with a high drive and not me. My wife has also stated that if I don’t like the way the situation is… I can always move on. This is what gets me frustrated. It’s either her way or nothing. No compromise, not willing to even talk about it without her getting upset and telling me that I’m always complaining. So, all the things that I do to help around the house and with the kids (keep in mind she does not work) and I work full-time… seems to me that she takes it for granted.
Didn’t mean to ramble on… just needed to vent without judgement. I have tried to talk to my wife so many times and I always end up feeling like I’m some vile pervert when I try to talk to her about this issue.
Dear Frustrated1, It’s really hard for people to see what the actual problem is, with only your side of the story. How were things when you were dating? Was she ever very interested in sex? Did having children change her?
Just guessing here -When you first asked her out, were you looking for someone younger? Were you exclusively approaching people 13 years younger? Try to be honest with yourself. Did you seek out someone younger, assuming that she would want more sex? Did she agree to date a much older man, hoping for you to have a lessor sex drive?
If this was the case, can you see how both parties may have assumed that an age gap was the right way to go? Or, since you are saying that she is suggesting that you “move on” if you aren’t happy, did she agree to date a much old man, assuming that would give her the upper hand? That you would give up compatibility, just to have a status symbol of a much younger wife?
If none of this sounds like your situation, couples therapy, where both people can present their side of the situation, would be a good idea.
Excellent insight Sarah, thanks for sharing it.
(AUSTRALIA) Me and my husband have been married for two years, and for the most part very happy. One thing that divides us however, is he would like me to gain some weight. I am 64 kilos and 175cms tall so am not overweight at all. I have always been naturally quite slim and don’t particualry feel comfertable gaining weight. I find it hard submit to this need without compromising myself. I want to honor my husband. However, as a couple we’re not sure if it is biblical to ask this sort of thing.
He likes me larger, however is also unsure whether this is holy living to ask me to change my appearance for his sexual need and wouldn’t by any means force it on me and is equally as confused as me. We love each other with everything we have. We don’t want to make each other do what we want to do (me gaining weight or not). We however, feel stuck on this and just want to know a Christian perspective on this subject.
Just to be clear he is sexually attracted to me when I am carrying more weight. It isn’t as if I am anorexic; it’s about health. So it’s sexual more than anything. AKA he likes me a bit wobblier ha ha (sorry if this seems weird). He not asking for excessive weight, perhaps 5 to 10 kilos max. Would apprciate help in this. We are both willing to submit to the Lord and want what he wants for our sex life. That is why we are torn on this subject.
(USA) You should not do anything unless you enthusiastically agree to. If you don’t want to gain wait then try to brainstorm something that you can both agree to.
Anon, There really isn’t a “right” or wrong answer to give you, as far as biblically. This is one of those things you need to work out between both of you. Personally, I would probably try to gain at least a little weight as a love gift to my husband, but not so much weight that I would feel unhappy with how I feel –health-wise, or how I look, so I can’t stand to look in the mirror. But that’s what I would do. Sometimes little gifts of sacrifice can be good to give each other. This would be one that you may consider.
But make sure no matter what, that you thank your husband for being honest with you over this and for being open to God on this. Many men wouldn’t guard their hearts –they wouldn’t care what God thinks and would justify looking beyond their wife for satisfaction. The fact that your husband wants this but is willing to look to God for this, says a lot about his integrity. He’s a good man. Please don’t stop letting him know that you appreciate and love and respect him for that. That will also be a love gift you will be giving to his heart. I pray the Lord helps both of you to work this out in a way that you are both satisfied.
Keep your health. Weight comes from a variety of body-mass elements: fluid, bone, muscle, etc. His concern should be with your health, not whether you are a certain weight or body type. Stay heart to heart.
(UNITED STATES) If you had a child that threw a temper tantrum when they wanted candy would you give in and give them candy? If your husband acts like a jerk why would you give him sex? It is reinforcing bad behavior.
This biological forces creating a monster is BS. How long did he wait before he had sex with you the first time? Weeks, Months? Why didn’t he become unhinged then? Did he get sex from you the first time because he acted like a jerk?
If he wants sex he has to work for it the same as he did when he first got sex from you or the same way he would have to work at it if he wanted to have sex from some other woman. How much sex would he get if he approached a woman in a bar the way he is approaching you?
(USA) Maybe it is frustration and insecurity on his part because you have left the marriage?
(USA) Yep, if you are not have regular and enthusiastic sex with your willing spouse, you have both physically and emotionally abandoned your spouse. Not any different than simply walking out. Actually, I would say it’s worse. You are there as a daily reminder that you are not honoring your vows.
You make your husband work for sex? Like he would do a woman on the street? Why on earth is he married then? I bet he had a mom and sis… surprisingly he could even get it quicker by the road side.
While this poster (Jennifer) may be saying this in a straightforward, less tactful, abrasive way, she does kind of have a point and maybe I can attempt to re-word it more kindly. What she might be saying is that while it’s okay to have needs, it might also be important how you go about trying to get your needs fulfilled. Communication is key there and proper communication.
My son is 8 months old and he cries every time he needs anything, from a diaper change to food, affection, or just to be helped up or to pick up something for him. He cries and throws tantrums because he just literally has no other way of communicating to me what he needs. He can’t say “Hey Mom, can you please pick up my bottle for me?” We expect babies to cry because they don’t really have a choice in the matter but husbands are not babies. They have the ability to speak and say words that are direct and concise but still gentle. It’s your job as a wife to listen and act accordingly but you can’t just read his mind and give him what he wants because if you don’t, he’ll act like a jerk to you. How is that supposed to make you feel as a wife? Are you going to want to make love to a husband who is cranky and mean to you? There has to be some middle ground there.
(USA) Wives, men need sex and I think it is wrong to refuse them. Marriage is about putting your spouse’s happiness above your own needs. I don’t always like my husband but I love him not because of who he is but because of who I am.
(USA) I agree but when you put up with one that sleeps on the couch, refuses to wear his ring, takes other females out to lunch from work and carries on his private e-mail, which is all an emotional affair that turned into the other-hard to do.
I begged him if he was not going to get his heart right with God, let me out. I had been physically and emotionally abused the entire (then 21 years) and he turned our kids against me and did one, that I don’t think will ever be right.
He never had anything nice to say to me and it was no secret how he felt. His messages were all so clear. I’m beginning to doubt I will survive and I think he’s afraid of that too. All sin bringeth forth death, so be careful what you wish for. His father killed his mother then himself and those types of violence do travel down through the generations as children learn what they live.
I begged him to come back to out marital bed but he refused and we both know now that he could whine to any female that would listen and those types are everywhere. I on the other hand have been 9.2 years without “enjoying” sex at all. Women need sex too, but for some of us we need a little kindness too.
He is different now. Adoring but at such a high price. Life was so bad with him, I prayed for my own death.
I’m sure there are wives that use it to conrol but that’s not always the case, so you cannot fairly generalize. It nearly killed us all. I now have anorexia and PTSD, I’m down to 98 pounds at 49. One size up from my 10 year old. I did now know depression like this existed but God makes it clear that in marriage we are one flesh and the devil seeks to destroy that. Resist him and he will flee. If not, it is worse than rape.
Please, walk a mile in my shoes.
(USA) I do understand the difference between the truth and a lie and what God feels of lying. I noticed you left out the “for money” part but I cannot empahsize that enough and God does say that the love of money is the root of all evil. 1 Timothy 6:10. People need to be on guard!
Each day my paper is full of home invasions. Kids killing/beating parents/ neighbors over $13. It is everywhere. Rather be aware than a victim and God expects us to use our common sense, not be “an ox led to the slaughter” He says this is the devil’s world and why so many victims.
What I have said concerning all of this is Court documented truth. My husband turned evidence against her. She shoved a 4 inch stack of debt in front of him and the courts revealed how many, courtesty of the neighbors and private eye, hired by her husband that she was diseased, had beeen charged with prostitution as well as fired for her behavior at work and charged in 2003 for scamming Senior citizens out of money.
It would be very different if I were disclosing a place and a name but I have never done so. Those that pay attention can avoid what we have been through.
To those that haven’t been there, I pray you never go through. To those that are suffering, you can count on my prayers. God says be sober (aware) and vigilant, that the devil is seeking whom he may devour. Please, stick with your family/spouses and love each other as Christ loves us.
Please watch the movie Fireproof. People start attacking or doing things to annoy each other out of stupidity they hope the other one will fix everything. Start “cleaning” your house (own behaviour) and the rest will fall into place.
(USA) I don’t think I can continue living with this sexual frustration, and I do not want to live as a divorced man. I’ve been married 35 years. I love my wife deeply, and still desperately desire sexual intimacy with her. We were both virgins until our wedding night, and are one another’s only sexual partner ever. Even as newlyweds and before we had children, sex seemed to be a duty for her, so it was never more frequent than it is now. My wife has an orgasm every time she wants to (which is almost every time we make love).
I serve her every possible way I can, and truly try to love her as Christ loves the Church, and yet know I am an imperfect person that still needs to grow in love. My hygiene has never been an issue for her, and she has no resentments towards me. We’ve talked about our needs, and have been to counseling. She says she does not need sex. I hate sex when she doesn’t want it (it makes me feel like a rapist), and hate the sexual frustration I’ve endured all these years. I don’t think I can go on living like this. I’ve endured this as long as I think I can.
(USA) I have two young children. My husband has a higher sex drive than I do. I didn’t meet his sexual needs as well as I should have. It wasn’t that I didn’t enjoy it, it was just that I was tired and did not feel the energy to even begin. Since my sex drive was not as high as his it was easy for me to just not satisfy his needs.
I had a female “friend” that was going through problems in her marriage and was dissatisfied with her husband in MANY ways including that the opposite was true for them. Her sex drive was high and his was low. This “friend” didn’t go to God with her problems and pain, she pretended to try to work it out with her husband, but I now know it was a lie. She decided to seduce my husband instead. PLEASE GO TO GOD, PLEASE DO NOT HURT YOURSELF, YOUR SPOUSE, THE PERSON YOU GET INVOLVED WITH, THEIR SPOUSE AND ANY CHILDREN. This kind of sin is so far reaching and so hurtful to all involved. I don’t know about the other family and how they are dealing with this. Her actions has severed our friendship.
My husband and I are seeking God and His help in restoring and strengthening our marriage. Everything I have learned is that it is a long hard road, but that it is possible. He loves me very much and has never stopped loving me, but at the time of unfaithfulness, he also didn’t have the Holy Spirit dwelling in him. He is completely repentant and has since asked Christ to be his Lord and Savior. That is the blessing that has come from this. Another blessing is that I’m learning to be more loving to him and to meet his needs instead of being selfish about a little bit of sleep. God does not tempt us into sin or hurting others. He does use everything for His good and His glory. I want all of my responses to this life shattering event to bring glory to Him. It is hard not to strike out at the offenders, but that is not love and God is love.
I’m not saying that he or she had ANY excuse to be unfaithful. There is NEVER an excuse to cheat on your spouse. Two wrongs do not make a right. Being unfaithful because your spouse didn’t meet your needs is NOT OK. Instead you need to talk to your spouse about it and PRAY.
Men and women alike that have a higher sex drive than their spouse also need to have a little patience. Learn your spouse’s love language and do everything you can to make sure that you are meeting their needs. Put them before yourself, consider marriage counseling, try everything in your power, don’t just complain because they do not desire sex as often as you do (find out if there is an underlying reason and try to help them with their needs). Don’t take things into your own hands and seek that satisfaction elsewhere! Don’t cause another person to stumble and sin by tempting them, seducing them or seeking them out. That’s just adding another sin to the sin of adultery! Also, guard your heart and your mind, ask God to build a hedge of protection around you so that you will not be tempted into adultery.
(USA) I have been married for 24 years to my wife. She has a career and I am married to my job. We have two teenage children. The last seven years have been a nightmare for me. My wife has an eating disorder she fails to accept. She is not obese first and foremost. It’s just the 20 pity pounds she puts on and off like a light switch turning on and off. When she gets into that mindset she has back pain and her personality changes immensely.
I have spent the last seven years in a personal hell. To want someone so much and to be rejected. It drove me to an affair. I lay beside her night after night wanting anything she would give me and always nothing. Her urges might happen once a month if lucky. Over the years I have tried to talk with her about it but it’s always a onesided conversation.
So with the passing of time I have given up. My marriage has been based on one excuse after another and I refuse to play the game anymore. It seemed as time went by it became a game of who could hurt the other the most with rejection. Guess what. She won hands down. I still have no answers for what went wrong in our marriage. I always have had a strong sex drive and never demanded anything of her that she wasn’t comfortable with.
I cheated with an old flame that got away. I know many view me as a piece of crap but it is what it is and I can live with it. She took my manhood away from me and another gave it back. Is it wrong to want to have and to hold your wife? That was part of my vow I took! I am angry, yes. I refuse to ask for forgiveness from God Almighty and my wife! I cannot, knowing that I intended to cheat and would again if I had it to do over. To me it is hypocritical to ask when I do not want forgiven.
Am I wrong to be angry and feel abandoned out of her self pity? I don’t have an answer. I am tired of being told to beg forgiveness and all will be forgiven. It seems like a free pass to do it again. I see so many hyprocrits today doing just that and I refuse. God did not make me cheat, she did! She is the mother of my children. For that I will always love her. As for being able to love her as my wife, the answer is no. NO MORE HEADGAMES! I will be single and live alone before I let my guard down again.
(USA) You are on a slippery slope right now. Matter of fact you have slid and crashed. You cannot taunt the GOD that I serve and think your maariage is going to be healed. You took the VOW for BETTER OR WORSE. Let that sink in for a minute. The vow wasn’t if she does not give me what I need, I can do whatever. Your thinking is a tad jaded my friend. The only way for you and your wife to reconcile is the both of you repent, because both behaviors are wrong. You are the head, the priest of the home. This is a Jesus loving website, this is for those who want to be ministered to by the Holy Spirit. If those are not your intentions. I believe you have picked the wrong site.
I have been married 32 years to a someone that refuses me. I found she is unfaithful, as well. She says she did it because she had to maintain control and denying me relations was the only way.
Even found out my own father suggested this. I was like any other man. I wanted children and a home. I wanted to work 8 hours a day and go home to a loving wife. I would have been satisfied with five or six weekends off and several holidays a year in rotation with others. That would have been the fair and equitable way to run things in my life, but that’s not what happened. I worked 256 consecutive holidays, I didn’t see a weekend off in 32 years. Most of my days at work were 12 hours plus, then home to take my wife shopping or mow the lawn or make repairs on the house. There were promises made and never kept and because the state did not want the responsibility of taking care of a bi polar. I could not leave the marriage. When I tried anything it was another promise, if you don’t cause anyone any grief just stay where they put you, let the people that we consider better for society do with you as they please. You will one day have what you want; there is always tomorrow, just be patient.
You lost your patience as fast as I did sir. I wish you the best of luck in any endeavor. There is not always tomorrow. There is never a fairy tail ending. Four years ago I fell out of the aft bulk carrier of an MD10. It sits 25 to 30 feet off the ground. I rolled out like I was taught at Ft Benning, and had a few bruises on my back. In October of 2009 I was in and out of an Emergency room 7 times, before they discovered MRSA had taken a chunk out of my spine and crushed the cord. I was in the hospital for the next 8 months. I wasn’t supposed to get out of a wheelchair. I’ve had four strokes by age 59 and have a blood disease now. I can’t feel anything below my upper legs.
Last year I discovered my wife had been having affairs for years while I put a roof over her head, paid for everything, and furnished medical and transportation. I did not handle that night well, and the man she was with paid a heavy price, both in physical pain and losing his own family. I found out that the denial of marital rights was a plan devised by my father to keep his friend from coming to him about me being a jerk.
Then this last Memorial Day was the final blow. I will not succumb to any more black mail. I informed my wife that even though I could never seek any happiness or another relationship, I want my wife gone, out of the house. I am filing suit against my father and others for alienation of affection, having my wife charged with marital fraud and extortion and have gone to the US attorney who is very interested in going after a conspiracy to deny civil rights and maintaining an indentured servant through threat and intimidation.
When a woman gets married with the full intention of just taking the things that a husband provides and doesn’t return a marital relationship, that is fraud and extortion. I wish I could forgive like Christ asked, but with forgiveness there must come the price of contrition. That will not be forthcoming so I will not be able to forgive for the last 32 years, because they just want to continue where they left off.
(U.S.) Thank you for this article. I have read a lot of comments on here and, some tend to seem a little man-hating, womanistic. I just want to provide a little insight into my point of view after being married for 14+ years with two kids. After reading this article & sharing it with my wife (yes, communication; another must in any marriage if you want it to last) it dawned on both of us this was going on in our marriage.
Like a loving husband I have tried to control this behavior with love, prayer & reading the Bible in the middle of the night; very difficult to do sometimes. I’ve tried sleeping on the couch to avoid physical contact; to hopefully dissuade desires, no good there either. I have even tried using “self-pleasure” (masturbation; if I have to spell it out) to the point of exhaustion (up to 2-3x a day on some occasions); which just made me want the physical contact of my wife even more. I’ve tried helping her around the house to take pressure of her; when coming home keep the kids occupied and help her clean; barely get a thank you for doing the dishes & taking out the trash. But, regardless of what I do; I still get irritable after 24-48 hours.
I have also noticed and pointed it out to my wife that she seems more relaxed & a little less stressed for a couple of days afterwards. Not sure if that information has truly sunk in, as the same routine eventually occurs and I wind up frustrated with the situation as it sometimes goes from weeks to a month or longer. In my case this could have originally been caused by my job; as in the past I would have had to be gone for up to a year at a time.
There has also been a few times that I was too exhausted or uncomfortable to “perform.” But, I did, feeling it is my duty as her husband and that I belong to her as she belongs to me. So, I guess the problem I tend to run into is one of reciprocating. And, to defend some of us men out there we are not all about ourselves. I for one ensure that my wife is well taken care of in the satisfaction area; [orgasms and, 2-3 at that; if we need to go there]. I never feel satisfied if I don’t “perform” my duty and responsibilities properly if she is not WELL taken care of; which is why I wonder why it’s not more regular. Maybe I take care of “business” a little too well and, don’t leave her wanting more?
But, I personally think that’s what some tend to forget during their busy lives is that part of the vows of marriage is to foresake yourself for your spouse. This can be taken to the wrong extent on both sides; it doesn’t mean you need to go at it like bunny rabbits or, starve one or the other.
There has to be some common ground or happy medium between the sexes. I personally find that without at least weekly sex I start having physical problems; pain and such. Not sure if it may be related to the vasectomy (which I got so she wouldn’t have to mess with her hermones being on the pill; how’s that for self-less for ya) I had less than a year ago but, the pain is relieved after sex so, in that case; might be another reason to have more frequent sex?
I dread the day that may come that the situation reverses itself and I may not desire my wife as much as she would me; as the seasons of our lives do inevitably change us. Oh well, I will continue to grow as a person and in Christ. Good Luck to all in your endeavors.
First post (reply) love the article: Just wanted to reply to say, THIS is exactly what it’s like. Thanks for not making me feel alone out there. God Bless.
(USA) This is totally me! At first the sex life was great then it became only when she wanted. After 13 years or so of total rejection everytime I try to innitiate something I have totally given up. Oh don’t get me wrong, my sex drive is out the roof. I just have to use other means almost on a daily basis. Anger and resentment are almost continual feelings I have to fight. She feels I am a monster for always wanting it. I’m not. I love her so much but don’t know how much longer this can go on.