Marriage Missions International

Husband’s Sexual Needs: Man Or Monster?

After 27 years of marriage, I’m just beginning to understand my husband’s sexual needs.

I DO know that his need for sexual contact is much stronger than mine. While I would be thrilled, with a romantic rendezvous about twice a month, his need is more intense.

I noticed a pattern: the longer he went without sexual intimacy, the more irritable he became. On the days when we made love, Ron was mellow and easygoing about things that might normally have bothered him. During the day after, he was still patient, kind, and cuddly as a six-foot teddy bear. On the third day after our “session”, he would start to get restless and make sarcastic comments like, ”Don’t worry about me. You just live your life and I’ll wait here.”

Then, if we hadn’t “played doctor” in four days, the veins in his eyes would get red and bulgy and his upper lip would start to twitch. If we went into the fifth day, he’d start to gnaw on the sofa.

The longer he went without release, the more pressurized —that is, grumpy —he became. If we ever went a whole week without sex, it’s as if his skin would turn green, black bolts would pop out of his neck, and he would morph into Franken-Husband.

Ladies, if you aren’t “taking care of business” a couple times a week, you may be creating your own monster.

Ron and I talked about my theory, and he agreed with it. He said, “After several days without sex, I start to feel like you don’t care about me. It isn’t a conscious decision, but my resentment just starts to build and keeps getting worse each day that you ignore or reject me.”

Men Need Release
Then, I did some research and it confirmed our experience. Men’s need for sexual release is based on actual physical, hormonal needs. Many studies agree that because of sperm production, natural testosterone, and other factors, men naturally want sexual release about every seventy-two hours, or three days.

Men need sexual contact. God designed them that way. It’s not bad or dirty or perverted, it just is. If a wife makes an effort to meet her husband’s needs, he’ll be more willing to meet hers. Sex is number one on Ron’s priority list and approximately number forty-seven on mine, but I have learned to honor its importance to him.

You Are Sex-Driving Me Crazy!
I don’t fully understand the hormonal, physical male sex drive, but I do know a thing or two about the female hormone cycles. Ladies, have you ever gone on a PMS-driven mission called “Gotta have chocolate, or someone’s gonna die?” I have. I once ransacked every drawer in my son’s room looking for last year’s semi-sweet Easter Bunny’s ear.

I’ve clawed through the kitchen cupboards like [the movie character] Indiana Jones on a quest, looking for a little golden bag containing stale chocolate chips. As I ripped it open and blissfully inhaled the aroma, my pulse reacted as if I’d just found the necklace that the old lady threw off the Titanic.

Now imagine that you’re on a take-no-prisoners chocolate chase and your husband has a Snickers bar in his locked briefcase —but he won’t give you the key. He has the capability to relieve your hormonal obsession, but he refuses. How would you feel about him? Would you think that he was selfish? Mean? Cruel?

Ron says that’s how a man feels when his wife rejects his sexual needs.

Ouch.

Would You Like a Me-Burger?
If you think of a man’s sexual need as a hunger, his desire can be satisfied in many different ways. Each “feeding” does not have to be a banquet. His wife could “feed the need” with a snack, a meal, or a feast.

Often, a quick snack will satisfy his appetite. (Use your imagination here) Other times, he’ll be thrilled to sit down (lie down) for a simple meal. On special occasions, however, get out the good china (satin sheets), send the children to Grandma’s house, and flambé a fabulous feast.

Ladies, next time your husband gets hungry for you and you’re too tired to prepare a banquet, ask him, “How about a quick snack?” He’ll probably be thrilled that you’re not rejecting him, and you’ll be able to meet his need without resenting it.

Don’t Make Him Beg
Bambi had four children in five years. She went from being a sex kitten to a fat cat who craved catnaps. She lost all interest in sex and was so tired that she had a “headache” for most of the next decade. When her husband tried to get frisky, she’d often arch her back and hiss, “You must be kidding!” He wasn’t. She refused him so many times that he quit asking. Not surprisingly, they’re now divorced and in the middle of a bitter custody battle over the kittens.

Men have fragile egos in this area and, in order to avoid rejection, they may stop pursuing their wives. Ladies, if your husband isn’t asking anymore, immediately sprint into a lingerie shop. I mean now, this minute! March in there, and buy a little —and I mean little —something. Then call your hubby and say, “I’m cooking up something special for dinner —hurry home!”

Unless your husband is a eunuch, he has sexual needs. Do your best to satisfy them.

“But I’m Embarrassed”
I don’t know why, but men are stimulated by visual cues. That’s why they’re much more likely to look at pornography than women are.

That’s also why they like to make love with the lights on. I’d prefer the flattering glow of a single votive candle, but Ron wants to use the same wattage a dentist uses for a root canal. So we have a conflict.

We’ve been married for 27 years and my body is almost fifty years old, and it’s showing signs of wear. I think of it as a comfy sofa: lumpy, frayed, and a little saggy. I try to avoid full-length mirrors, but my hubby still wants to see me —and that’s a good thing.

Several years ago, we discovered a wonderful compromise: we use a red or pink light bulb in the lamp next to our bed. I know it sounds crazy, but don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. The rosy glow diminishes most flaws, wrinkles, and stretch marks. You can buy these magic bulbs at most larger grocery stores for less than five dollars.

Ideally, you should be at a place in your marriage where you can ask each other, “Are you happy with our sex life?” If one of you is not, ask, “Why not?” As a married couple, it’s vital that you are able to discuss your needs openly and honestly. If it’s important to one of you, it needs to be important to both of you.

Metaphorically speaking, if the wife waters the husband and the husband waters the wife, they will both be satisfied. “Drink water from your own well—share your love only with your wife [husband]“ (Proverbs 5:15 NLT).

The above article is adapted from the book, Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome, written by Nancy C Anderson, published by Kregel Publications. It was written by Nancy, who strayed to the other side of the marital fence —and returned to find forgiveness and restoration. Based on the principle that the grass is always greener where it’s watered, this book focuses on how to grow a beautiful marriage in your own backyard by establishing protective “hedges” around it. Author Nancy C Anderson and her husband Ron, speak nationally to couples’ groups of all denominations. They share their message of hope and restoration with tenderness and humor. If you live in the United States and would like for them to speak with your group please contact them at www.RonAndNancyAnderson.com. You may also want to visit their blog at www.joyfulmarriage.blogspot.com.

IF YOU ARE MARRIED and you have additional tips you can share to help others in this area of marriage, or you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.

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Comments

120 Responses to “Husband’s Sexual Needs: Man Or Monster?”
  1. Craig says:

    (U.K) I appreciate all of the above comments but would like today possibly a few more. My wife and beautiful child are my everything. I work in places like Iraq , Libya or Afghanistan or anything else that pays the bills. I spent 8 years in the British military and a fair majority of that abroad. Now before anyone judges or comments let me make it clear I enjoy my job, and unfortunately my skills are not the kind employers may seek in the uk. I have missed over 3 years of my daughters life so far and to meet our financial requirements need to work in the industry I do as my wife has a job she enjoys but unfortunately it does not pay very well. As I said I do not hate my job but it pays the bills and requires around 8 months of my life each year. I am responsible for the protection of other people’s lives and as such it can be quite an intense occupation.

    My question is this: my wife can hardly be bothered to know me. Don’t get me wrong she isn’t directly nasty but sex or intimacy is something I have to ask for. She has never gone the extra mile per-se and ever even met me at the airport on return from being away for months and months at a time ANSI have been home nearly a week now and has not even bothered to attempt an intimate kiss let alone a hug without me trying it first.

    Truth be told I am extremely scared as I have just agreed to buy a house with her (and yes it is sale complete and legally binding) adding more financial pressure and I’m wandering if I’m only home 4 months a year and she doesn’t even want to know me what hope do we have? I appreciate I sound extremely selfish in asking my question here but I do work hard for and work out physically; I am never aggressive or physical, verbal or anything else I believe a bad husband. I feel honestly that inevitably I may end up straying which I know is wrong but if I only have 4 months a year in a normal environment withouth the stress of work and my own wife is not even interested then where do I go from here?

  2. Frustrated1 says:

    (USA) Thank God I found this forum. I thought I was the only male who felt like this and that maybe I needed to go see a doctor about my high sex drive (as my wife had suggested). I have been frustrated for about a year now and it’s getting to the point where I’m just quiet with my wife at night time, when we talk. I tell her that I’d like more intimacy than maybe once or twice a week and not “let’s get it over with” attitude that she has. I’ve told her that I desire her and would like to have fun when we are intimate -not like “okay let’s check that off the list of things that need to be done this week.” That’s how it makes me feel. She states that I’m playing the “victim” -so at the end of the discussion feelings are hurt and we’re both upset. So, I quit telling her how I felt, because I’ve tried to in the past many times and always with the same results.

    I am always initiating for intimacy, and most of the time I am rejected, and it makes me feel like I’m “Nothing”. I do what I can to help out with my wife at home; laundry, clean the house, make dinner, go grocery shopping, pick up kids from school, help with homework, etc. The list goes on. I buy her flowers for no reason and tell her simply because I love her, make her a cup of coffee in the morning, get our son’s clothes laid out for him for school the next day, pack his bookbag and so on. I work full-time and then come home to help out. Now, she doesn’t work and has been looking for work for two years now and there is always some excuse; the kids are awake (funny never was an issue before), I feel tired, I’m bored all day, I’m not a barbie doll, etc.

    I tell her it would be one thing if I said, “Hey, how about we bring a another woman into this.” Yes, then she would have every right to be upset. I tell her that the only woman I want is her and at least make me feel “wanted and desired.” I mean I don’t look like Quaismodo, keep my personal hygiene up, I really pay attention to her and listen when she needs to talk, etc.

    The other day I tried to initiate and she just ignored me. Then when she could tell that it bothered me -she then said that if I wanted to then we could. By that time I told her “No” -I have to get dinner ready (I made an excuse). I have told her so many times in the past that I want intimacy with her and for it not to feel like it’s a “chore” for her -and that’s how she made it seem when she changed her mind and said that if I wanted to. I feel like I shouldn’t have to beg and ask all the time. I understand that it can’t be 50/50 all the time in initiating, yet not like how it is now 95/5.

    I’m 46-years-old and she is 33-years-old. She keeps telling me that I should act my age, instead of acting like a teenager. Seems like it would be her (because of her age) with a high drive and not me. My wife has also stated that if I don’t like the way the situation is… I can always move on. This is what gets me frustrated. It’s either her way or nothing. No compromise, not willing to even talk about it without her getting upset and telling me that I’m always complaining. So, all the things that I do to help around the house and with the kids (keep in mind she does not work) and I work full-time… seems to me that she takes it for granted.

    Didn’t mean to ramble on… just needed to vent without judgement. I have tried to talk to my wife so many times and I always end up feeling like I’m some vile pervert when I try to talk to her about this issue.

  3. Anon says:

    (AUSTRALIA) Me and my husband have been married for two years, and for the most part very happy. One thing that divides us however, is he would like me to gain some weight. I am 64 kilos and 175cms tall so am not overweight at all. I have always been naturally quite slim and don’t particualry feel comfertable gaining weight. I find it hard submit to this need without compromising myself. I want to honor my husband. However, as a couple we’re not sure if it is biblical to ask this sort of thing.

    He likes me larger, however is also unsure whether this is holy living to ask me to change my appearance for his sexual need and wouldn’t by any means force it on me and is equally as confused as me. We love each other with everything we have. We don’t want to make each other do what we want to do (me gaining weight or not). We however, feel stuck on this and just want to know a Christian perspective on this subject.

    Just to be clear he is sexually attracted to me when I am carrying more weight. It isn’t as if I am anorexic; it’s about health. So it’s sexual more than anything. AKA he likes me a bit wobblier ha ha (sorry if this seems weird). He not asking for excessive weight, perhaps 5 to 10 kilos max. Would apprciate help in this. We are both willing to submit to the Lord and want what he wants for our sex life. That is why we are torn on this subject.

    • HDW says:

      (USA) You should not do anything unless you enthusiastically agree to. If you don’t want to gain wait then try to brainstorm something that you can both agree to.

    • Cindy Wright says:

      Anon, There really isn’t a “right” or wrong answer to give you, as far as biblically. This is one of those things you need to work out between both of you. Personally, I would probably try to gain at least a little weight as a love gift to my husband, but not so much weight that I would feel unhappy with how I feel –health-wise, or how I look, so I can’t stand to look in the mirror. But that’s what I would do. Sometimes little gifts of sacrifice can be good to give each other. This would be one that you may consider.

      But make sure no matter what, that you thank your husband for being honest with you over this and for being open to God on this. Many men wouldn’t guard their hearts –they wouldn’t care what God thinks and would justify looking beyond their wife for satisfaction. The fact that your husband wants this but is willing to look to God for this, says a lot about his integrity. He’s a good man. Please don’t stop letting him know that you appreciate and love and respect him for that. That will also be a love gift you will be giving to his heart. I pray the Lord helps both of you to work this out in a way that you are both satisfied.

  4. Jennifer says:

    (UNITED STATES) If you had a child that threw a temper tantrum when they wanted candy would you give in and give them candy? If your husband acts like a jerk why would you give him sex? It is reinforcing bad behavior.

    This biological forces creating a monster is BS. How long did he wait before he had sex with you the first time? Weeks, Months? Why didn’t he become unhinged then? Did he get sex from you the first time because he acted like a jerk?

    If he wants sex he has to work for it the same as he did when he first got sex from you or the same way he would have to work at it if he wanted to have sex from some other woman. How much sex would he get if he approached a woman in a bar the way he is approaching you?

    • Doug says:

      (USA) Maybe it is frustration and insecurity on his part because you have left the marriage?

    • Tony says:

      (USA) Yep, if you are not have regular and enthusiastic sex with your willing spouse, you have both physically and emotionally abandoned your spouse. Not any different than simply walking out. Actually, I would say it’s worse. You are there as a daily reminder that you are not honoring your vows.

  5. Leigh says:

    (USA) Wives, men need sex and I think it is wrong to refuse them. Marriage is about putting your spouse’s happiness above your own needs. I don’t always like my husband but I love him not because of who he is but because of who I am.

    • Pavrone says:

      (USA) I agree but when you put up with one that sleeps on the couch, refuses to wear his ring, takes other females out to lunch from work and carries on his private e-mail, which is all an emotional affair that turned into the other-hard to do.

      I begged him if he was not going to get his heart right with God, let me out. I had been physically and emotionally abused the entire (then 21 years) and he turned our kids against me and did one, that I don’t think will ever be right.

      He never had anything nice to say to me and it was no secret how he felt. His messages were all so clear. I’m beginning to doubt I will survive and I think he’s afraid of that too. All sin bringeth forth death, so be careful what you wish for. His father killed his mother then himself and those types of violence do travel down through the generations as children learn what they live.

      I begged him to come back to out marital bed but he refused and we both know now that he could whine to any female that would listen and those types are everywhere. I on the other hand have been 9.2 years without “enjoying” sex at all. Women need sex too, but for some of us we need a little kindness too.

      He is different now. Adoring but at such a high price. Life was so bad with him, I prayed for my own death.

      I’m sure there are wives that use it to conrol but that’s not always the case, so you cannot fairly generalize. It nearly killed us all. I now have anorexia and PTSD, I’m down to 98 pounds at 49. One size up from my 10 year old. I did now know depression like this existed but God makes it clear that in marriage we are one flesh and the devil seeks to destroy that. Resist him and he will flee. If not, it is worse than rape.

      Please, walk a mile in my shoes.

      • Pavrone says:

        (USA) I do understand the difference between the truth and a lie and what God feels of lying. I noticed you left out the “for money” part but I cannot empahsize that enough and God does say that the love of money is the root of all evil. 1 Timothy 6:10. People need to be on guard!

        Each day my paper is full of home invasions. Kids killing/beating parents/ neighbors over $13. It is everywhere. Rather be aware than a victim and God expects us to use our common sense, not be “an ox led to the slaughter” He says this is the devil’s world and why so many victims.

        What I have said concerning all of this is Court documented truth. My husband turned evidence against her. She shoved a 4 inch stack of debt in front of him and the courts revealed how many, courtesty of the neighbors and private eye, hired by her husband that she was diseased, had beeen charged with prostitution as well as fired for her behavior at work and charged in 2003 for scamming Senior citizens out of money.

        It would be very different if I were disclosing a place and a name but I have never done so. Those that pay attention can avoid what we have been through.

        To those that haven’t been there, I pray you never go through. To those that are suffering, you can count on my prayers. God says be sober (aware) and vigilant, that the devil is seeking whom he may devour. Please, stick with your family/spouses and love each other as Christ loves us.

  6. Mark says:

    (USA) I don’t think I can continue living with this sexual frustration, and I do not want to live as a divorced man. I’ve been married 35 years. I love my wife deeply, and still desperately desire sexual intimacy with her. We were both virgins until our wedding night, and are one another’s only sexual partner ever. Even as newlyweds and before we had children, sex seemed to be a duty for her, so it was never more frequent than it is now. My wife has an orgasm every time she wants to (which is almost every time we make love).

    I serve her every possible way I can, and truly try to love her as Christ loves the Church, and yet know I am an imperfect person that still needs to grow in love. My hygiene has never been an issue for her, and she has no resentments towards me. We’ve talked about our needs, and have been to counseling. She says she does not need sex. I hate sex when she doesn’t want it (it makes me feel like a rapist), and hate the sexual frustration I’ve endured all these years. I don’t think I can go on living like this. I’ve endured this as long as I think I can.

  7. A says:

    (USA) I have two young children. My husband has a higher sex drive than I do. I didn’t meet his sexual needs as well as I should have. It wasn’t that I didn’t enjoy it, it was just that I was tired and did not feel the energy to even begin. Since my sex drive was not as high as his it was easy for me to just not satisfy his needs.

    I had a female “friend” that was going through problems in her marriage and was dissatisfied with her husband in MANY ways including that the opposite was true for them. Her sex drive was high and his was low. This “friend” didn’t go to God with her problems and pain, she pretended to try to work it out with her husband, but I now know it was a lie. She decided to seduce my husband instead. PLEASE GO TO GOD, PLEASE DO NOT HURT YOURSELF, YOUR SPOUSE, THE PERSON YOU GET INVOLVED WITH, THEIR SPOUSE AND ANY CHILDREN. This kind of sin is so far reaching and so hurtful to all involved. I don’t know about the other family and how they are dealing with this. Her actions has severed our friendship.

    My husband and I are seeking God and His help in restoring and strengthening our marriage. Everything I have learned is that it is a long hard road, but that it is possible. He loves me very much and has never stopped loving me, but at the time of unfaithfulness, he also didn’t have the Holy Spirit dwelling in him. He is completely repentant and has since asked Christ to be his Lord and Savior. That is the blessing that has come from this. Another blessing is that I’m learning to be more loving to him and to meet his needs instead of being selfish about a little bit of sleep. God does not tempt us into sin or hurting others. He does use everything for His good and His glory. I want all of my responses to this life shattering event to bring glory to Him. It is hard not to strike out at the offenders, but that is not love and God is love.

    I’m not saying that he or she had ANY excuse to be unfaithful. There is NEVER an excuse to cheat on your spouse. Two wrongs do not make a right. Being unfaithful because your spouse didn’t meet your needs is NOT OK. Instead you need to talk to your spouse about it and PRAY.

    Men and women alike that have a higher sex drive than their spouse also need to have a little patience. Learn your spouse’s love language and do everything you can to make sure that you are meeting their needs. Put them before yourself, consider marriage counseling, try everything in your power, don’t just complain because they do not desire sex as often as you do (find out if there is an underlying reason and try to help them with their needs). Don’t take things into your own hands and seek that satisfaction elsewhere! Don’t cause another person to stumble and sin by tempting them, seducing them or seeking them out. That’s just adding another sin to the sin of adultery! Also, guard your heart and your mind, ask God to build a hedge of protection around you so that you will not be tempted into adultery.

  8. James says:

    (USA) I have been married for 24 years to my wife. She has a career and I am married to my job. We have two teenage children. The last seven years have been a nightmare for me. My wife has an eating disorder she fails to accept. She is not obese first and foremost. It’s just the 20 pity pounds she puts on and off like a light switch turning on and off. When she gets into that mindset she has back pain and her personality changes immensely.

    I have spent the last seven years in a personal hell. To want someone so much and to be rejected. It drove me to an affair. I lay beside her night after night wanting anything she would give me and always nothing. Her urges might happen once a month if lucky. Over the years I have tried to talk with her about it but it’s always a onesided conversation.

    So with the passing of time I have given up. My marriage has been based on one excuse after another and I refuse to play the game anymore. It seemed as time went by it became a game of who could hurt the other the most with rejection. Guess what. She won hands down. I still have no answers for what went wrong in our marriage. I always have had a strong sex drive and never demanded anything of her that she wasn’t comfortable with.

    I cheated with an old flame that got away. I know many view me as a piece of crap but it is what it is and I can live with it. She took my manhood away from me and another gave it back. Is it wrong to want to have and to hold your wife? That was part of my vow I took! I am angry, yes. I refuse to ask for forgiveness from God Almighty and my wife! I cannot, knowing that I intended to cheat and would again if I had it to do over. To me it is hypocritical to ask when I do not want forgiven.

    Am I wrong to be angry and feel abandoned out of her self pity? I don’t have an answer. I am tired of being told to beg forgiveness and all will be forgiven. It seems like a free pass to do it again. I see so many hyprocrits today doing just that and I refuse. God did not make me cheat, she did! She is the mother of my children. For that I will always love her. As for being able to love her as my wife, the answer is no. NO MORE HEADGAMES! I will be single and live alone before I let my guard down again.

    • Jupo says:

      (USA) You are on a slippery slope right now. Matter of fact you have slid and crashed. You cannot taunt the GOD that I serve and think your maariage is going to be healed. You took the VOW for BETTER OR WORSE. Let that sink in for a minute. The vow wasn’t if she does not give me what I need, I can do whatever. Your thinking is a tad jaded my friend. The only way for you and your wife to reconcile is the both of you repent, because both behaviors are wrong. You are the head, the priest of the home. This is a Jesus loving website, this is for those who want to be ministered to by the Holy Spirit. If those are not your intentions. I believe you have picked the wrong site.

  9. Rick says:

    (U.S.) Thank you for this article. I have read a lot of comments on here and, some tend to seem a little man-hating, womanistic. I just want to provide a little insight into my point of view after being married for 14+ years with two kids. After reading this article & sharing it with my wife (yes, communication; another must in any marriage if you want it to last) it dawned on both of us this was going on in our marriage.

    Like a loving husband I have tried to control this behavior with love, prayer & reading the Bible in the middle of the night; very difficult to do sometimes. I’ve tried sleeping on the couch to avoid physical contact; to hopefully dissuade desires, no good there either. I have even tried using “self-pleasure” (masturbation; if I have to spell it out) to the point of exhaustion (up to 2-3x a day on some occasions); which just made me want the physical contact of my wife even more. I’ve tried helping her around the house to take pressure of her; when coming home keep the kids occupied and help her clean; barely get a thank you for doing the dishes & taking out the trash. But, regardless of what I do; I still get irritable after 24-48 hours.

    I have also noticed and pointed it out to my wife that she seems more relaxed & a little less stressed for a couple of days afterwards. Not sure if that information has truly sunk in, as the same routine eventually occurs and I wind up frustrated with the situation as it sometimes goes from weeks to a month or longer. In my case this could have originally been caused by my job; as in the past I would have had to be gone for up to a year at a time.

    There has also been a few times that I was too exhausted or uncomfortable to “perform.” But, I did, feeling it is my duty as her husband and that I belong to her as she belongs to me. So, I guess the problem I tend to run into is one of reciprocating. And, to defend some of us men out there we are not all about ourselves. I for one ensure that my wife is well taken care of in the satisfaction area; [orgasms and, 2-3 at that; if we need to go there]. I never feel satisfied if I don’t “perform” my duty and responsibilities properly if she is not WELL taken care of; which is why I wonder why it’s not more regular. Maybe I take care of “business” a little too well and, don’t leave her wanting more?

    But, I personally think that’s what some tend to forget during their busy lives is that part of the vows of marriage is to foresake yourself for your spouse. This can be taken to the wrong extent on both sides; it doesn’t mean you need to go at it like bunny rabbits or, starve one or the other.

    There has to be some common ground or happy medium between the sexes. I personally find that without at least weekly sex I start having physical problems; pain and such. Not sure if it may be related to the vasectomy (which I got so she wouldn’t have to mess with her hermones being on the pill; how’s that for self-less for ya) I had less than a year ago but, the pain is relieved after sex so, in that case; might be another reason to have more frequent sex?

    I dread the day that may come that the situation reverses itself and I may not desire my wife as much as she would me; as the seasons of our lives do inevitably change us. Oh well, I will continue to grow as a person and in Christ. Good Luck to all in your endeavors.

  10. Frank says:

    (USA) This is totally me! At first the sex life was great then it became only when she wanted. After 13 years or so of total rejection everytime I try to innitiate something I have totally given up. Oh don’t get me wrong, my sex drive is out the roof. I just have to use other means almost on a daily basis. Anger and resentment are almost continual feelings I have to fight. She feels I am a monster for always wanting it. I’m not. I love her so much but don’t know how much longer this can go on.

  11. Mike says:

    (USA) Hello everyone. I don’t know if it’s sad that I found this blog or a good thing. I have been married for 4 years and love my wife more than anything. We have a 5 year old beautiful girl and we are great parents and partners in our marriage. Sex is another story. The post talked about being self aware of yourself and your partners needs. I have been open with my wife about my needs and how I feel when we don’t have intimacy. On average we will have sex twice per month but at times less. I have read books, self reflected, everything I can think of other than get angry.

    I feel like I am not attractive to her when she is cold to my needs and it definitely effects all parts of our relationship. I tried for the last time three nights ago when I touched her in bed and she gave me a typical deer in the headlights… hands down at her sides with no reciprication and has that look like my hands are stone. The strange thing is we touch each other, kiss, cuddle, a hand on the hip, or something to let each other know we are there and thinking of each other. We touch each other, play, joke flirt etc… but it stops there. After telling her about how I feel for this long I feel it is less painful to go without than to feel like she doesn’t care about my needs or wants me.

    Anyway. I feel my heart is growing cold. I want nothing more than for my marriage and family to be together but this is taking its toll. Again, I have told her how I feel in a loving way and she continues to say its her. Now what?

    • Bridg says:

      (CANADA) Mike. I feel for you. Touching, playing, and flirting are not sex, that’s all I can say. I wish my ex would have told me how it made him feel when I turned him down. God bless you for not getting angry. I know for me, it’s tricky to have sex with someone I see as my friend. It’s so complicated, I wish I could help. All I can say is, been there done that, I was your wife; she simply doesn’t understand how important it is. And that is not your fault. Good luck.

  12. Terry says:

    (UNITED STATES) I agree.

  13. Linda.K. says:

    (SOUTH AFRICA) All I can say on some of the comments…What about LOVE in action? Words are easy, BUT showing it is what truly matters. I know that God’s Word says that nothing will matter, if there is NO LOVE in it. It’s a scary thought, but it makes sense. Imagine Jesus did everything to simply only expect something back from us or to see results or to get little help from us today. But He didn’t, He did it out of love, with love, so did God when He sent His only Son so our relationship can be restored with our Father. Now the same with meeting your spouse’s needs. Imagine the restoration that can take place in your marriage if you are only willing to simply deny yourself in that moment to show your spouse how much you love them and they will definitely sense your love because it was done in love. Watch what they will do. It has to be DONE OUT OF LOVE! =) It is they ONLY key! Otherwise, no LOVE and selfishness kicks in.

  14. Kazz says:

    (AUSTRALIA) lol, so long as your Number Forty-Seven has the same importance to your husband .. or even numbers one, two, three …

  15. Shany says:

    (TEXAS) If you are reading this article, odds are you have too much time on your hands, or simply you sought it out for help!!! I personally sought it out, and I am really upset about some of the comments made. If people need to read stuff like this let them. If it doesn’t apply let it fly, as my husband always says! Just because this article doesnt fit your needs it may fit the needs of someone else. If you dont like it, get over it and find an article that will help you with your anger and your own rejection. Thank you to the person that wrote this article! My hubby will appreciate me reading it more than you know!!

  16. Moonlightlady339 says:

    (USA) The problems expressed here are so painful to read. Anyone can see that on either side of the marriage union that when one, or the other, stops showing real affection to the other, or makes unrealistic demands, it can be very hurtful to the other spouse. May I say though as someone who has been married for nearly 43 years, that a lot of the problems expressed here can be solved if you give your own situation to the Lord in prayer? God knows your pain. He knows your spouse also. I doubt seriously if your spouse is deliberately trying to hurt you.

    Let’s be honest. Initially, the sexual experience is to “conceive” and “have children”. After that, the lustful part is up to the couple as to how they want to continue year after year. I do think that the sexual expressions are important in a marriage and that if one partner is cooler than the other, these things should be talked about. I also feel if one partner is being severely neglected in the intimacy arena, that it certainly can make them feel less loved and appreciated. It’s an issue that simply “has to” be addressed, or as many have expressed, can cause problems outside of the marriage.

    I can say this. Intimacy doesn’t have to be the binding knot in the marriage and once these things are successfully addressed, relax and learn to love each other in a new way. There is a difference between sexual fulfillment and a deeper love and respect for each other, and God will help you find that difference as well. A couple should never look at each other as merely sexual objects. People’s situations can change through no fault of their own. A person can become ill and no longer desire intimacies. Does that make them less lovable? People aren’t sexual robots. If one person’s desire for intimacies is stronger than their spouse and their spouse is reluctant to address the issue, give your situation to the Lord. He will help you through it. You can cry to him. You can tell him how hard it is on you, and you can ask him for his love, wisdom and guidance in the matter. He helped me through a rough spot, he’ll help you as well. God Bless you all, it will work itself out.

  17. N Waff from United States says:

    “I don’t fully understand the hormonal, physical male sex drive.” The male body generates seminal fluid into a bladder-like structure called the Seminal Vesicle. When the seminal vesicle is full, it sends signals that the contents need to be released. The man’s testosterone level goes up, his sex drive become elevated and he experiences the tension of full seminal vesicles. This affects overall mood and disposition (like having your bladder full and needs to be released).

    Ejaculation releases most of the contents of the seminal vesicle. This eliminates the experienced tension, lowers the testosterone level and reduces the sex drive. Ejaculation also causes the release of oxytocin, a hormone that stimulates the relationship center of the brain. This is why men get more cuddly and are in a better mood after sex.

    The cycle repeats. It takes 2-3 days for the seminal vesicle to be filled, hence the male drive for sex every 2 or 3 days.

    If your man is going away (or you’re going away) for several days, it’s best to leave him with an empty seminal vesicle. His testosterone level will be low and his drive for sex will be down, reducing his need for sexual release while you two are separated. You could try multiple orgasms until he is having a dry-orgasm, when there is no more semen to be discharged.

    • Teresa from United States says:

      I have to say that I was totally opposite with my husband. I never denied him sex in 7 yrs even when I felt bad. We had sex often, I rubbed his back every night, made his dinner worked 50 and 60 hrs a week and he still cheated on me. So I don’t think it is my fault, or that I did anything wrong; he just never had enough. He was insatiable and not satisfied no matter how hard I tried. I turned down many men during this time as I do not cheat, but unfortunately he just cannot say no. I was not over weight, I kept up my appearances and did everything that a woman, wife, mother should do. I even made his lunch for him daily. What more can a person do?

      • Cindy Wright from United States says:

        From what you’ve written here Teresa, I can’t even start to think what you could do. This does not appear to be about you, but about your husband, and this woman’s, lack of character, lack of moral standards, and lack of decency to do what is right, no matter what temptation faces them. Some people will fall into temptation and cheat no matter what they have going on at home. What a horrible thing to have to go through… my heart breaks for you. I’m so sorry that you have had to live through this. I pray that you are able to pick the pieces up of your life, hold your head up high, and live a good and blessed life (despite what your husband has done, which stabbed you in the heart). I pray God infuses hope into your heart that you will eventually experience better days –ones that will bring a smile to your heart.

      • N from United States says:

        Teresa, I am sorry to hear about what you’ve been through. Sounds like you were doing everything right. But, unfortunately, if there is a dysfunctional spouse who is unwilling to do soul searching and self examination, that spouse may never be an emotionally, intellectually or spiritually mature partner.

        Sadly we see this way too often with men. Sometimes, there are aspects of boyhood that they don’t leave behind. Or some men get stuck in feeding an addiction to the sexual experience. Addicts usually can’t get enough and need more and more. My heart and prayers go out to you.

  18. Mari from United States says:

    Hello, I found your post interesting as well as the comments. I have another problem. I constantly meet my husbands advances and shower him with physical affection. My problem is that he doesn’t care a thing about my needs. I don’t need sex every day or even every other day, but I try to make it enjoyable for both of us so he doesn’t feel like a rapist. I am resentful because I only ask for one thing and he continues to hurt me. He’s a very social person. We have three small kids and he continues to go out and drink with his friends, go on trips, and completely take advantage of me. He hardly ever has time for me aside from wanting sex, and would rather please his “friends” than me. Though, we have a very healthy sexual relationship, I am tired of being emotionally ignored and I want a divorce. I want someone who loves me and cares about me and doesn’t just use me as a babysitter, cook, maid and sex tool.

    • Jackie from United States says:

      Mari, I have the same situation. The only time my husband has for me is when he wants sex. I’ve cried to him for years about how lonely I am. I have to beg him to spend time with me. When he does, he’s congenial enough but as soon as we get home from wherever it’s right back to work. His work and HIS family (not ours) are everything to him.

      When he finally crawls into bed hours after I’ve fallen asleep, he is interested in sex. He says I’m the only one who can give it to him. I tell him he’s the only one who can give me what my heart is aching for, but he just says “we spend plenty of time together” (we’re self-employed and work at home.) We have raised 3 wonderful children and I’m tired of waiting to be important to him. The female has a brain-heart-sex drive connection that needs to be acknowledged by the male. Jackie

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