Husband’s Sexual Needs: Man Or Monster?


After 27 years of marriage, I’m just beginning to understand my husband’s sexual needs.

I DO know that his need for sexual contact is much stronger than mine. While I would be thrilled, with a romantic rendezvous about twice a month, his need is more intense.

I noticed a pattern: the longer he went without sexual intimacy, the more irritable he became. On the days when we made love, Ron was mellow and easygoing about things that might normally have bothered him. During the day after, he was still patient, kind, and cuddly as a six-foot teddy bear. On the third day after our “session”, he would start to get restless and make sarcastic comments like, ”Don’t worry about me. You just live your life and I’ll wait here.”

Then, if we hadn’t “played doctor” in four days, the veins in his eyes would get red and bulgy and his upper lip would start to twitch. If we went into the fifth day, he’d start to gnaw on the sofa.

The longer he went without release, the more pressurized —that is, grumpy —he became. If we ever went a whole week without sex, it’s as if his skin would turn green, black bolts would pop out of his neck, and he would morph into Franken-Husband.

Ladies, if you aren’t “taking care of business” a couple times a week, you may be creating your own monster.

Ron and I talked about my theory, and he agreed with it. He said, “After several days without sex, I start to feel like you don’t care about me. It isn’t a conscious decision, but my resentment just starts to build and keeps getting worse each day that you ignore or reject me.”

Men Need Release
Then, I did some research and it confirmed our experience. Men’s need for sexual release is based on actual physical, hormonal needs. Many studies agree that because of sperm production, natural testosterone, and other factors, men naturally want sexual release about every seventy-two hours, or three days.

Men need sexual contact. God designed them that way. It’s not bad or dirty or perverted, it just is. If a wife makes an effort to meet her husband’s needs, he’ll be more willing to meet hers. Sex is number one on Ron’s priority list and approximately number forty-seven on mine, but I have learned to honor its importance to him.

You Are Sex-Driving Me Crazy!
I don’t fully understand the hormonal, physical male sex drive, but I do know a thing or two about the female hormone cycles. Ladies, have you ever gone on a PMS-driven mission called “Gotta have chocolate, or someone’s gonna die?” I have. I once ransacked every drawer in my son’s room looking for last year’s semi-sweet Easter Bunny’s ear.

I’ve clawed through the kitchen cupboards like [the movie character] Indiana Jones on a quest, looking for a little golden bag containing stale chocolate chips. As I ripped it open and blissfully inhaled the aroma, my pulse reacted as if I’d just found the necklace that the old lady threw off the Titanic.

Now imagine that you’re on a take-no-prisoners chocolate chase and your husband has a Snickers bar in his locked briefcase —but he won’t give you the key. He has the capability to relieve your hormonal obsession, but he refuses. How would you feel about him? Would you think that he was selfish? Mean? Cruel?

Ron says that’s how a man feels when his wife rejects his sexual needs.


Would You Like a Me-Burger?
If you think of a man’s sexual need as a hunger, his desire can be satisfied in many different ways. Each “feeding” does not have to be a banquet. His wife could “feed the need” with a snack, a meal, or a feast.

Often, a quick snack will satisfy his appetite. (Use your imagination here) Other times, he’ll be thrilled to sit down (lie down) for a simple meal. On special occasions, however, get out the good china (satin sheets), send the children to Grandma’s house, and flambé a fabulous feast.

Ladies, next time your husband gets hungry for you and you’re too tired to prepare a banquet, ask him, “How about a quick snack?” He’ll probably be thrilled that you’re not rejecting him, and you’ll be able to meet his need without resenting it.

Don’t Make Him Beg
Bambi had four children in five years. She went from being a sex kitten to a fat cat who craved catnaps. She lost all interest in sex and was so tired that she had a “headache” for most of the next decade. When her husband tried to get frisky, she’d often arch her back and hiss, “You must be kidding!” He wasn’t. She refused him so many times that he quit asking. Not surprisingly, they’re now divorced and in the middle of a bitter custody battle over the kittens.

Men have fragile egos in this area and, in order to avoid rejection, they may stop pursuing their wives. Ladies, if your husband isn’t asking anymore, immediately sprint into a lingerie shop. I mean now, this minute! March in there, and buy a little —and I mean little —something. Then call your hubby and say, “I’m cooking up something special for dinner —hurry home!”

Unless your husband is a eunuch, he has sexual needs. Do your best to satisfy them.

“But I’m Embarrassed”
I don’t know why, but men are stimulated by visual cues. That’s why they’re much more likely to look at pornography than women are.

That’s also why they like to make love with the lights on. I’d prefer the flattering glow of a single votive candle, but Ron wants to use the same wattage a dentist uses for a root canal. So we have a conflict.

We’ve been married for 27 years and my body is almost fifty years old, and it’s showing signs of wear. I think of it as a comfy sofa: lumpy, frayed, and a little saggy. I try to avoid full-length mirrors, but my hubby still wants to see me —and that’s a good thing.

Several years ago, we discovered a wonderful compromise: we use a red or pink light bulb in the lamp next to our bed. I know it sounds crazy, but don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. The rosy glow diminishes most flaws, wrinkles, and stretch marks. You can buy these magic bulbs at most larger grocery stores for less than five dollars.

Ideally, you should be at a place in your marriage where you can ask each other, “Are you happy with our sex life?” If one of you is not, ask, “Why not?” As a married couple, it’s vital that you are able to discuss your needs openly and honestly. If it’s important to one of you, it needs to be important to both of you.

Metaphorically speaking, if the wife waters the husband and the husband waters the wife, they will both be satisfied. “Drink water from your own well —share your love only with your wife [husband]” (Proverbs 5:15 NLT).

The above article is adapted from the book, Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome, written by Nancy C Anderson, published by Kregel Publications. It was written by Nancy, who strayed to the other side of the marital fence —and returned to find forgiveness and restoration. Based on the principle that the grass is always greener where it’s watered, this book focuses on how to grow a beautiful marriage in your own backyard by establishing protective “hedges” around it. Author Nancy C Anderson and her husband Ron, speak nationally to couples’ groups of all denominations. They share their message of hope and restoration with tenderness and humor. If you live in the United States and would like for them to speak with your group please contact them at You may also want to visit their blog at

and you have additional tips you can share to help others in this area of marriage,
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219 responses to “Husband’s Sexual Needs: Man Or Monster?

  1. Nicely done. Like wives, husbands want to be wanted. Certainly, I want to feel wanted physically by my wife; for this, this is very important. While it seems, my wife desires more emotional satisfaction, the balance in our marriage comes through each feeding the other’s markedly different base drives. For me, after 32 years of marriage, at age 58, I enjoy emotional satisfaction when my wife desires my intimate, physical attention, and responds powerfully to it. Similarly, she tends to desire such as I seek the keys to her emotions and, without pull or push, do those things in a genuine effort to fulfill her emotional needs.

  2. Frustrated1, I hope things go better for you. I have the same problem with my wife, except the length of year went from 1 year to 10 years now. I lost all of my hopes just this year. It’s hard to imagine how a human can live without any hope. I have absolutely zero expectation of a better future in everything in my life now. Very often, I feel maybe death is better for me.

    Don’t get to where I am now. You and I know very well that the torture of sex drive every week will never get easier. A week becomes a month, and a month becomes a year. Now a year becomes a decade, and has literally destroyed me. I wait for death or sexual dysfunction to come, but they just don’t come soon enough.

    1. You mean, 10 years – no sex? Wow! I thought my once or twice a month was bad. Ok, I will take your advice and NOT let things “get to where [your are] now”. I think we have to be brave and confident, trusting God first. Then, talk -ask our wives for sex. I also think we need to learn to love our wives. My wife hates the topic of sex, but I don’t know why. If I try to talk to her about it, she get upset. She says it’s my fault because I “give up to easily” -that is, I make a move and she pushes me away so I feel rejected for a week and don’t try again. Yet, as a man trying to follow God, we simply have to trust God, learn to love our wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her… Yet, we are not Christ and we are not God -we have wants, needs, and desires just like our wives do.

      So, I say -don’t give up. Be brave and breach the topic. Just say, “honey, I want to talk about our sex life. Can we set aside some time to talk about this?” I found this site because my wife and I were talking this morning. It’s been two or three weeks and I’m pretty frustrated -this is our typical pattern and I really want to change it. I hope and pray you can start anew with your wife. Wow – 10 years. Ouch!

      1. Agathos… I replied to one of your posts and didn’t see the first one. I feel bad about that. I opened my fat mouth and put my fatter foot in. I didn’t see that you have already tried to talk to your wife.

        It sounds like maybe your wife has negative feelings about something. Has she shared them with you? Maybe it’s in regards to her health issues. Maybe she needs romance 🌹or she doesn’t feel attractive.

        My husband says that about me too. But I can honestly say to you that he has made me feel terrible about myself. Always talking about other women and looking at pornography, not sharing our lives together, has left me feeling bitter towards him.

        So feeling makes a difference. Talk to her about her concerns. But I definitely think spending time together and dating her can bring it around.

    2. I’m 39 years old and have a sex drive of a 16 year old. It’s not just the physical part for me it goes way beyond that. But I get angry when I don’t get sex from my wife everyday. I feel bad afterwards but she will punish me by not giving it to me. How do we control the anger. I love my wife more than anything and I don’t want this to cause problems.

  3. This does not address insatisble desire. If a husband has sex addiction issues and needs it daily…you need to address their role in the destruction of being a “monster”

    1. I would hesitate to label someone who wants sex with their wife daily an addict. Would you want him to suggest there is something wrong with you because you don’t want sex every day? Unless an objective professional has diagnosed him as an addict, your armchair diagnosis will only make things worse, not better.

    2. I doubt anyone has an insatiable desire for sex. While it may be possible that someone may have a “sex addiction”, I suggest being open to the idea that the drive may be physiological. I know I didn’t ask for the libido that I have and there are times that I wished for some way to destroy the drive.

  4. This makes things clear. I’ve denied my husband far too often from sex. Our marriage started off fine but then over the years he was never satisfied with what our sex was like and started wanting to try new things. He’s never liked ‘snacks’ but always wants a full festive meal every time where sometimes I just want a quickie. Then every sex act over the last three years he’s made me beg for it and tells me I have to work for it. It made me feel like I didn’t know what I was doing and felt more and more self conscious and insecure so I drew more and more away because quite honestly, I didn’t know how to work for it.

    Now I’ve discovered he’s hooked on porn. It’s shattered me as now I feel even if we have sex every day I will never be what those women are or do what they do and no matter what I feel like I will never satisfy him because he haste ‘experts’ to compare me to. I am lost and broken and don’t know where to go from here.

    1. There are a lot of dynamics to consider. It sounds like there’s frustration on both sides. You could try to reset the relationship with a heart to heart discussion and get everything in the open. His expectations may need to be adjusted and you may need to make changes too. If that doesn’t work, you may want to try a counselor. By the way, there’s a big difference between porn and actually being with someone. I think most people would choose regular sex in a mutually respectful and loving relationship any day over porn.

    2. Just do it. Not that. The other one. Sing to his microphone and wash away the past by opening up to a glorious spring future. Bask in the dew as he stares at you in awe, which will turn to love.

    3. Most of the problem with “sex issues” in marriage stem from the fact that men are generally so selfish. It’s not all men, but many of them are. Women have sex drives, but we’re more likely to be intimate if our emotional needs are being met. If there were as many blogs and posts on men being the leaders of the home and protectors over their wives physical and emotional well-being, then there would be less of a need for posts about women needing to sexually satisfy their husbands. It would be natural.

      Marriage is a partnership. When needs are met on both sides, generally, there aren’t these types of issues. Every now and then, you have a person with low moral character who seeks an emotional or physical affair, but most of the time, people will not want to stray if their emotional and physical needs are met. It’s the man’s responsibility as much as the woman’s.

      1. Not always the case; I romance my fiancé regularly, tell her everyday how beautiful she is, cook for her, take care of her children; I take photos of flowers during my daily travels (my job requires lots of driving to various cities) so I send her a photo text of said flowers everyday. She really appreciates this gesture. I make her laugh, she confides in me, wants to sit with me at night, wants to hang out together and do things. I understand women need to “get there” emotionally first, but when it comes to intimacy, she’s just not into it. I need the “connection”, its just not about getting off for me; I need to feel wanted, I wish I felt irresistible to her sometimes. I’ve tried to share my feelings to no avail.

        I love this woman very much and show her everyday that I do, but my self worth and confidence is dying. She has no medical issues so I know that is not the underlying issue. It is very confusing that she wants to share everything with me, wants to travel with me, but intimacy is the farthest thing from her mind. This has not always been the case; as most relationships, sex was a regular occurrence in the first year of our relationship, but somewhere, somehow, it has diminished. The emotional pain and emptiness I feel has begun to surface.

        1. Have you read the book, The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman? It sounds to me that maybe your loving her how you “think” she wants to be loved but not how she actually feels loved. Give the book a read if you haven’t already it was a huge eye opener for my marriage.

          My husband had emotional trauma from his previous marriage. His ex constantly said no to his advanses and rejected him so many times that he honestly would rather not have sex than face being rejected by me. I feel most appreciated and loved when my husband is loving me so for him to go for several weeks not even looking at me it hurt and made feel lonely and unloved. Then I read this book gained the courage to talk to him and realized I need to be the one to face that potential rejection (he’s actually never rejected me).

          But you know, the most important thing I’ve learned in my relationship is to look at my husband in everything he does with love and compassion and remeber that he is his own person with his own needs just as much as I am.

      2. Agree that maybe the case in some but not always. I feel I am a great father. My wife had a horrible father and sometimes that is what frustrates me all the more. It’s like if anyone should appreciate a good husband and father it’s someone that didn’t have that. Just gets frustrating when sex happens once a week after 2 days of the silent treatment. Nothing makes a man fell more wanted than the approach of “let’s get this over with” in the bedroom.

      3. It never occurs to the authors of this drivel that many men are monsters and don’t become cuddly teddy bears after. In fact we are often treated worse. Shame on you for pushing this “just do it” fuel for abusive mens fire.

  5. If someone can help me please do. My wife and I have been married for 32 years. We are Christians and have been from our childhood. My wife has never been all that much for sex. Now 32 years later she really doesn’t care for sex at all. To be fair about three years ago I had to have a trup (it is something like having the whole in side of the prostate taken out.) It is very hard for me to get and keep an erection. After a very little time things kind of came to an end. So I try to understand how she feels. But in a years time we have only made love two times in a whole year.

    I have told my wife how I feel and have even asked her to read things like what is above. She reads them and I talk with her trying to get her to truly understand what I am going through but things don’t change. I know that we love each other and I can’t see myself living without her. After God she is the very most important person and love of my life.

    Can anyone like a Christian woman tell me what is going on and how I might help my wife. Because I know that she is not happy with the sex we have and I know that it is my fought. I take med’s for ED but they just don’t work very well on me. Sex is by no means the most important thing in our marriage but is sure has a place. Please, can some one who is a Christian please help me. P.S. I have other health problems that makes ED even more of a case. God Bless

    1. Hi TB. I am a Christian and I will try my best to help you a piece of advice. I don’t know for certain, but some women, like men, vary in temperament. Try to have a discussion that brings out any unspoken issues about sex and expectations. Keep in mind that you should always remind her of your love and commitment for her. Your approach should be gentle and loving. Hugs and kisses and communicate. Romance should be first. Woo her, date your wife. Make her remember the sweet times together.

      Pray together, for her. God draws us together. Remember Solomon.

  6. My husband would rather have a root canal or colonoscopy than have sex with me. Married 49 years and only had sex once, the one thing we have left in common is sharing our property. He has no interest in sex, intimacy with me or any one else. He has no intimate friends (female or male) totally hates life and the world in general. It bothers no one and I had him watched by private people and all they said is he does normal things, work and etc. One statement was is he really is boring. Now I’m way too old to care any more, I hope he likes himself! I hate the man and just wish he would go away. I have no where to go; no family except my church family. I should have left him but I was stupid and young, now I regret my life.

    1. I am so sorry! Wow! I have heard the older couples can be active. Even my once or twice a month is better than what you have suffered for 49 years. Wow!

  7. I am a married woman. I have problems with my husband. He is jealous of me and also he needs sex daily. He told me if he can’t do sex daily he feels pain. I am not interested in that but I try to help him. He needs also oral sex. I don’t know what to do. If there is any advice or experience to share you are welcome, thanks.

    1. I am with my husband almost 35 years. He demanded sex so much that he made me HATE IT! I feel sexually abused and almost extorted on some occasions. I had to do it whether I wanted to or not and he would have excuses about his rights or seeking it elsewhere or his needs etc. There is a part of me that will always resent him for that and my love will never be full because of this abuse. I have had so many fights over this that I was ready to give up. I told him I was incapable of more than two to three times a week, my body couldn’t take it anymore at my age.

      He has a prostate issue and takes medication for it. He came home with Viagra and I told him if he thought I would let him use me while he was on it he was mistaken and I would divorce him. I put my foot down and I PRAYED for God’s mercy. It was sheer torture. Now we have a schedule only 2 times a week. I can live with that even though that’s what newlyweds have. I almost hate it but I endure it. I’m not sure what will happen in a few years but when the time comes I will say NO and that may be the end of our life together if he makes that his priority. I don’t want to deprive him of that but I have a right to protect my person from the constant demand I cannot meet. Stand your ground and pray.

  8. Please help! I’m a disabled, diabetic 46 year old woman. my husband demands sex 24/7, sometimes twice a day. I can’t do that, I try to oblige him at least m-f but he keeps asking for more!!! 😢😧😨

    1. You are awesome! However, your husband needs to love you, too. If I had 2 times a week I would be estatic. Have you asked him if 5 days a week would be okay? Is he focusing on the topic throughout the day?

    2. You must explain why you cannot do it as he demands. Your health is an issue for starters. As such you are more prone to tissue breakdown and slow healing. Too much sex can literally hurt you down there! No women or few want constant sex! It is annoying and painful to be chased by a dog in heat. Sorry, that’s how men act about it. Set your terms or you will wind up hating him for abusing you. Yes it is abuse! As a sovereign person you have a right to determine how your body is used. If it’s No, it’s NO! He will get the picture and go along with it. Try not to make it too miserable for him. I grin and bear it and the whole time my face is grimaced in agony. I used to love sex until he began making it a chore that had to be done like a load of laundry. Set your terms or your marriage won’t last! God Bless!

  9. I hate my sex life! I’ve been married 23 years. I know my wife has some health problems but she has energy for everything else. I ask, she might say yes, but it’s out of pity. PITY!!! Who wants charity sex? I certainly don’t. I might as well masturbate and feel guilty… it’s just about the same thing. Oh how I envy men who get it 3, 4 or 5 days a week. Its not fair!

    I know this sounds selfish, ungodly, and animalistic. I say to myself, “I should be okay with twice a month. My wife loves me and I love her”. But I really hate this. Any advice?

    1. Well it’s not the best thing I ever heard. But maybe you should consider the possibility that your wife HAS to accomplish many tasks for the family. It’s different to want and to have to. Depending on her ailments it may not be easy for her. Is there any emotional problems? Are you overly demanding? Be compassionate towards your wife. Kindness opens opportunities.

      I’m not saying that your needs don’t matter, but you are not the only one in the relationship. You have a to work together. Praying doesn’t hurt. You are supposed to love your wife as Christ loves his church.This means putting her before yourself. Sometimes meaning to wait and sacrificing your wants when she’s not feeling good. Dominating the flesh. Talk with her honestly but lovingly. Maybe she needs you to make her feel loved. Maybe she’s feeling like you are only interested in the physical and not in her. Yes, sometimes women get turned off by the way men rush , but lack of physical intimacy is a two way street. Analyze your approach and the manner you treat her.

      Are you submissive to God? Do you respect him? Does his love and kindness live in your heart? Does it show? Is that what she sees in you? Love kindness compassion selflessness…? When was the last time you brushed her hair? Took a walk together? Rubbed her shoulders? Intimacy can start out with gentle touching reminding the other person how much you need each other. Will it always lead to sex….maybe not. But try to reestablish a connection between the two. Communication with love and understanding.

      1. I agree with what you say, it’s very important that the husband does things first for his wife and analyze his behavior. But it’s not ok that one of the spouses has to go through a check list before the other spouse wants to have sex. As I say I agree, be romantic, woo your spouse, learn your spouse love language, seek God first etc. but if one of the spouses has to do a lot of things before the other spouse decides to have sex then something is very wrong. A married person shouldn’t have to work or “pay” for sex because the other spouse doesn’t want to.

        Men should love their wives like Christ loves the church but the wife needs to submit to the husband like the church should submit to Christ. And by submitting I don’t mean obeying like a slave but in love, honor their husbands, caring for their needs. Not because they have to but because they love their husbands. Caring for the other spouse’s need is not just a man’s job it’s a women’s job too. There may be different reasons why she doesn’t want to and it is important that they pray over it and that the wife starts to analyze why she doesn’t want to and tell her husband. Maybe she needs healing from wrong views about sex, maybe it’s from past abuse or maybe at plain selfishness. Whatever it is she needs to pray that the Lord will help her because sex in marriage is so important. Read 1 Corinthians 7 where Pauls says there that spouses shouldn’t deny each other if they don’t agree on it together for a short period. So if one spouse is denying sex he or she is hurting their spouse and their marriage.

        Without romance and sex a marriage is practically a roommate agreement. So both spouses have to work on it and iF one of the spouses is struggling with having sex then he or she needs to pray, needs to seek help, counseling, doctors etc. If it’s a health issue they need to talk about how they will be intimate in other ways but if it’s just plain refusal because “I don’t feel like it” then the person really needs to ask God for forgiveness and start caring for theire spouses needs.

    2. Sex is not doing dishes. A different kind of energy. I know I was in a car accident and I cannot tolerate sex very often. Getting angry when you know your wife is sick and cannot have sex as often does more damage than the sickness itself. Tons of help with chores/house/,etc. lots of love and understanding and genuine concern for her feelings will help get you more sex. Try it and not just short term. It should be your way of life.

  10. My wife and I average about 10-12 times a year. I feel myself getting frustrated after about 3-4 weeks. This has been going on since I met her, I guess it will never change. I think when she does have sex with me, she’s just throwing me a bone, I don’t think she even likes doing it all that much. If it were up to her, we would never do it! And now I’m afraid if we got help for it and started doing it more often that it wouldn’t be sincere. So frustrating!

    1. I feel your frustration. I am in a similar boat. For the first 4-6 months of our marriage we were inseparable. I almost felt like I couldn’t keep up with her. We held out till we were married which was a real challenge but one I think has given us great blessings. We were blessed with great news and once sex became more troublesome due to a progressed state of pregnancy we decided to give things a rest until out baby was born.

      He finally was born and due to the type of pregnancy we needed to keep those flames at bay a little longer. After about 10 months of the cross of being patient when it is challenging she finally agreed to start the engines back. Since then 12-16 times a year seems to be the number. Sometimes 6 weeks go by and sometimes it will be twice in a week. What is even more frustrating is that we are trying to get pregnant again and I have to sit in front of a doctor and lie to them about how often we are having sex as to not embarrass my wife and keep them bewildered as to why the first pregnancy was so easy and for 2 years we haven’t been able to achieve another. We lack the key ingreediant…The sex part.

      I’ve read the article and I found a lot of it hit close to home. Ive also read a lot of the men’s responses to it and I see a lot of men in relationship agony as well. What I find encouraging are some of our sisters in Christ accepting the message as it was intended and showing some encouraging signs of support. What I find discouraging are the opposite responses that dredge up the other partners pains and frustrations. I understand that we all have our horror stories of relationship problems, but reading this article and immediately focusing on worst case scenarios of abuse really doesn’t get to the heart of why this particular article was written. I’m sure there are hundreds of posts concerning those crosses that women bear but I searched for hours looking for the other side of the story to find this article.

      Please don’t forget why we got married in the first place. A lifetime of love and partnership on our Very short time on this planet in our journey to Christ.

      We all get busy, we all have tasks that need completing, we all have worries and doubts about an uncertain future, we all get tired and our lives are full of distractions… Please don’t forget we all have needs that through the sacrament of marriage are ONLY fulfilled with each other’s cooperation. We are partners in this game of life and if we took a moment to look at what we DO manage find time for you might wonder if our priorities are ordered to ourselves or one another.

      Sex is the full gift of one to the other ordered to the unity of each spouse to each other and God open to its life giving blessings. This shouldn’t be a chore, a pity, a reward, a threat… It is a unique expression of your love to the person you are joined to for life that no man can put asunder.

      1. You did an incredible job accurately voicing your frustration and the reasoning behind it. I’m wondering – are you able to or have you spoken to your wife like this?

  11. Frustration doesn’t even begin to cover it. My wife has denied me sex for so long I don’t even try anymore. That angers her. Years ago, I got tied up in pornography over it and she still really hasn’t forgiven me for that and uses it frequently in our arguments. Still no sex. We’ve been married for 23 years, our kids are gone and I’m about to just throw in the towel and call this marriage for what it is. Sexless and hopeless.

    1. Adam, DecCaf, Net- Have you tried professional help? Maybe your wife has a physical disorder or hormonal imbalance? Sounds really horrible!! Seems to be very unfair for the wife to blame husband for getting into porn, yet she witholds the normal and needed intimacy…

      I am sure you have explained this impossible dilemma to her? The best thing is to reach a workable compromise? Not easy!! But necessary of course. These sites are very good! Show these to your wife? plus: plus:

      Hope these ideas help… As a man, I can understand where you are VERY well!! WP (Work in Progress- married 36 years)

  12. I’ve been without for so long that I just don’t care and gave up. My husband never wanted me and all these years I’ve been ignored.I don’t care just like he does. If I have another life I hope it’s better than now. And maybe soon my life will be over.

  13. In my previous marriage l wanted sex but my husband had a very low sex drive. This was behind the reasons for the divorce. So it works both ways. Sometimes it’s the wife who is feeling neglected and unwanted. Now I’m remarried to a wonderful man who has a much higher need and I’m much happier.

  14. I’m very bitter right now. It’s opposite with me. My husband literally turns me down every single time I initiate. I’m tired of being rebuffed. I’m not unattractive and am a nice person. I’m the one who plans dates (which are also rebuffed. I’m patient, try to be understanding, went back to work full time so he could go to school and take care of the house and kids more how he wanted). We have three kids under 4, and he has become a jerk. Sometimes it’s just that simple, sorry to say.

    My coworkers and patients like me and even seem to admire my work ethic, personality, and I get a lot of compliments about being attractive. I think I just have a husband who is selfish and self centered. Sometimes it’s not the woman’s response or actions. Sometimes it’s mostly the man.

    1. I have only had sex once this year. I am starving and my wife refuses to have sex with me. I am now thinking about prostitutes for sexual satisfaction. The last time I was with a prostitute was about 8 years ago and I don’t want to go this way again. I have been married for 28 years; my wife is 47 and I am 56 years old.

  15. First of all, I am a woman, and I think that the real problem is that many husbands who have commented are focussed on sex, not love, to get their needs met. Some even sound quite selfish, sorry to say. Lovemaking is precisely that, and my husband would tell you that the prelude and aftermath are just as important as the act of intercourse. He is utterly unselfish in bed, and says he is more turned on by my response than anything else I might do to him. We both have health issues, and I’m in a wheelchair. Yet he always holds my hand and kisses me full on the lips when he’s helped me into my wheelchair. God definitely saved the best until last.

    We make love once or twice a week -not bad for a 73 year-old prostate cancer survivor with 58 year-old wife. Is it enough? Not quite, but as far as I know, masturbation is not a sin, unless adulterous fantasy is indulged in: visiting a prostitute, having an affair or viewing pornography, certainly is.

    Jimmy Evans refuses to compare his wife Karen’s body with anyone who hasn’t paid the price to bear his children. This is an excellent yardstick, as a wife needs to feel desirable and not embarrassed by a body that’s older, larger and stretch-marked, so avoid viewing anything that will make your wife feel insecure with her physical self. Become a man of God, serve your family, love and cherish your hard-working wife, finding your joy in the girl you married. Learn her Love Language.

    My husband is a man of few words, but my Love Language is words, so he makes his count: sends me a text, puts a post-it heart somewhere for me to find, posts me a card so that I see his handwriting on the envelope, says things like ‘You’re part of me, bone of my bone…’ He can also tease me, and still make me feel shy, reducing me to putty in his hands, then we make love and feel wonderful for days afterwards. How could I not adore him and want to make him as happy as I can?

    1. Thank you SO much Hannah, for sharing this. I totally agree. I wish every spouse could read this. It’s love, as God would have us give. You have blessed us by telling us some of the things you’ve learned on this area of marriage. May God bless your marriage all the more as you reflect the love of Christ within your marriage.

    2. Men talk about sex but they really need/mean love. If I come to bed and snuggle with my wife and tell her I love her and she just goes to sleep, that is ok. But if I do this every night, and not once, if I were to come to bed first, does she snuggle and kiss me and tell me she loves me, it gets to me. I don’t want my wife to touch me sexually if she doesn’t want to. I want my wife to want to touch me, to want to please me, and to want me to please her. Loving sex is what men want, but it doesn’t sound like it when, what they know for a fact is that they don’t have sex often enough, and they feel rejected.

      Rejected over sex, yes, but we need the sexual feedback to feel emotional connection and love. And I don’t buy the excuses. My wife won’t initiate intimacy because she knows it will turn me on, and she doesn’t have the energy. I don’t get why she doesn’t understand that pleasing me for 10 minutes would make me the happiest man in the world. To be honest, the physical pleasure and release is great, but much more importantly I am happy because she loves me enough to do that for me. Because she knows it makes me happy. Because nobody else is allowed to do that for me, and I don’t want that from anybody else anyway.

      No man worth keeping says he is not getting enough sex because he just needs a place to put it. It is the whole package men are looking for. And when it comes to feelings of emotional connection and togetherness, touch, especially sexual pleasure, is the language that speaks to us. And while we enjoy the process turning our significant others on, we also like to be turned on ourselves once in a while. More than just once in a while, really.

  16. I lived by the life of obedience to sexual need for 20 years. In my case, it didn’t lead to closeness or that sense of beautiful sacrifice. If I asked for a night off, “husband” would pout and say he couldn’t go to work in the morning. Lots of other punishments, too. He didn’t care if I was crying during the process, or what. I took to allowing him to “relieve” himself in me, no matter what, because Christianity states that it’s wrong to do other techniques. And never mind the fact that my obedience led to six c-sections.

    If a spouse is willing to talk – truly talk – and not just try to “convince” or create fear in the marriage, then maybe the sexual relations, regardless of actual desire, can lead to unity. I can’t even imagine a spouse willing to discuss feelings, though. That’s not what I experienced. I don’t know what the answer is, because it’s obvious that modern techniques and ideas lead to horrible consequences, too. For now – I know that physical and emotional safety are priorities. The specifics of how to love and lead a moral life will flow from there.

  17. I am irritated. My husband sent me this link, not that this was a bad article but it was too simplistic and I feel a lot is missing. I think it takes the right two people and they have to discover what works for them. It is possible for some women to desire sex just as much as men and vice versa. Women have been “rejected” too for what ever reason, performance related and not.

    It’s great for a couple to feed each other, a man’s need for sex is no greater than my need for emotional support, emotional intimacy, and security. If I work, take care of the kid, worry about bills and household needs as well as carry the weight of whatever stresses or personal struggles I’m battling, all while trying to carve out some stolen seconds before sleep for myself then I may not have the time or energy to serve someone’s sexual need.

    I challenge the men who fell rejected to seriously ask themselves have you provided for her needs? Have you sincerely engaged her in a conversation recently, was it today? Did you ask her how she felt and really wanted to know and really listened to her answer? Have you given to her emotionally? Do you know what her love language is? We are not horrible monsters for not transforming too sex kittens at your whim, some of us are just not wired like that, others may just be too weight down with the work of surviving, try to lighten her load.

  18. My husband and I have been married 22 years. I am struggling because in the past few months, my husband increasingly uses crude language and groping to indicate that he wants to have sex, and it completely turns me OFF. I feel disrespected that he would talk to me or touch me that way after I’ve asked him not to. I will not pretend that I enjoy it–and at certain times of month, his squeezing my breast HURTS! I’ve discussed this with him respectfully, repeatedly, and yet, when he wants sex, he still talks to me like I’m supposed to enjoy being called crude names and being grabbed and uncomfortably squeezed. Tonight, I finally told him, “I am sorry, but I just can’t feel sexy when you speak to me like that and grope me that way. It makes me uncomfortable. Would you please try to be more romantic so I can get into it?” And he got angry and said that I was “rejecting him.” Now he’s pouting in the other room.
    I’ve told him many times that I need emotional connection, affection, and gentleness to feel sexual desire, but over the past few months, he rarely makes any effort to show me affection or spend time with me unless he wants sex. And then, I feel like he’s watching the clock instead of paying real attention. His body language implies, “How long ’til I can initiate sex?”
    Lately, he also tries to rush me physically, often skipping foreplay and going straight to the “sexual parts,” which does not feel good to me. I’ve tried telling him this, and guiding him to what does feel good, but he’ll just do it that way for a very short time, and then starts rushing again. I feel as if he wants to do the “bare minimum” that lets him feel like he tried to please me (even when I am not pleased). And it confuses me, because it’s not like he rushes himself to “finish.”
    Despite all this, I have very rarely turned him down for sex (only when I’m ill or when he’s drunk), but if I initiate, he nearly always turns me down.
    I’m trying to focus on and appreciate what he does that does feel good, but he’s making it increasingly difficult by skipping those things more and more!
    I got the advice to give him more sex, so that he’d feel more loved, and would in turn start to meet my needs more. So we have had sex nearly every day for the past month but I feel worse each time. I don’t feel better or more connected after sex–I just feel used. I feel we don’t “make love” any more because he doesn’t seem to care what my needs or wants are.
    I know he’s not using porn at home or on his phone (no internet access here, and I use his phone regularly, too), and I’m pretty sure those kinds of things are blocked where he works, too. I don’t have suspicions or any indication that he’s cheating, though I suppose it’s possible. But I’m beginning to feel as though I’m just an object for his pleasure, and my feelings don’t matter to him. I have no idea how to get it across to him that this is making me dislike having sex with him at all!
    He refuses to go to marriage counseling or talk to a “mentor couple” (not that I’d even know where to begin with that). He has attended marriage retreats with me in the past, so I’m considering that, just don’t know whether it would help with this issue.
    I don’t want to become the “cold” wife who hates or avoids sex. I actually have had a fairly high sex drive throughout our marriage, but this behavior is putting a big damper on that! Please, any ideas?

  19. I’ve been married 18 years and for the past 10, sex has not been fun. My husband pesters me a few times a week for sex. Usually he doesn’t take no for an answer and I’ll give in. It will be a very unenjoyable event and me just wishing it was over during sex. I worry every time he wants to hug me or kiss me or watch a movie that all he really wants is sex.

    I turn 40 this year and we still have kids in elementary and high school. I spend most days in bed, too tired to even do simple chores. The last thing I want is to be in bed more. Not sure how to fix it. I know sex is repulsive to me and I feel like I can’t preform the way he wants or am not good enough for him. I guess people here are saying women need to do this whether or not they want to. I spent 6 years crying every time we had sex because I didn’t want to do it. I’m over the crying but it’s still not fun. Wish I knew how to change my libido.

    1. You need to see a physician (MD or DO). I had the very same thing & it was related to depression. I did not feel like I wanted sex, either, but after 3 weeks I began to desire it again.

  20. What if your husband does nothing but ask and ask even when kids are in the room or awake while I tell him daily to wait then I get exhausted at the end of the day from HIM asking me? I just want a friendship again like before. I don’t want sex every night. Some nights I dont want to hear about sex and I just want to talk normal and not hear him go mmm my woman is sexy. Yeah, it’s flattering but it’s every second (no lie) when he’s around. That’s all he does is talk about sex and touches me inappropriately in front of our kids.

    What do I do with this situation? I’ve looked and looked and can’t afford a therapist to help I just want my friend back and not this sex monster. We used to have sex every week at least 4 times a day and 3 times a week or more since we had our kids. Still sex was frequent. I’ve been depressed and told him I don’t want it until another night and that I just want him to just be like before to get sex where we lay, we cuddle and it happens. Now all he does is sex, sex, sex, sex in public with kids or without at reunions with our families…I just do not know what to do but I don’t want to divorce him; I love him so so much and I knkw he’s still in there the friend I’ve been searching for… Help please, please, I need it. I do not know what to do :'(

    1. One thing I wonder when my man gets overly compulsive is if he’s getting enough food, liquids, or sleep. He has sensory integration issues and often confuses one impulse with another. Often he calms down after he’s had a glass of water. Could this be because your man has the issue mine does (High-functioning autism)? If he has strange, quirky habits and works in an “unsocial” field such as IT that might be the case. I bring it up because the sort of social inappropriateness you discuss is another symptom.

      1. Thanks Tracy, for sharing the insights you have in this comment and the one before this. Sometimes something as simple as giving a cup of water to our thirsty spouse can change things in a better direction. Your husband is a blessed man because you approach him in understanding ways. May God bless you all the more as you look for ways to bless your husband, rather than judge him :)

  21. A nice web-site, I wished I read this sooner. I had known my husband since I was 23 years old…and at 57 we divorced. I was informed later by my son; Mother you Never gave dad enough sex… was I stunned – YES! My husband never communicated his needs to me although he had always been very heavy into PORN, and I being a spiritual lady found it very uncomfortable, and it actually pulled me away from wanting to be with him.

    I probably ended my own marriage. I wasn’t meeting his needs at that time, yet I was so very turned off with the hrs of PORN watching. I still had strong feelings for him and wanted to be with him, but not this way… Yes, there was therapy…never worked: he Never wanted to discuss his issues about Porn ( NEVER ). What was the point of therapy then? What opened up was all our issues…and all became MY FAULT in our marriage… MY FAULT – he would never take blame…yet he told our son ALL…and much of it wasn’t the truth sadly to say. The marriage is over. I lost all – even my son. It’s a sad, sad situation… I pray daily for healing.. Amen. Yes, I was hurt!

  22. Amazing write-up, Very well understood the needs of Husband, and amazing tips to protect our marriage, thank you very much!

  23. What if the monster never has enough? What if you feed the monster daily and that’s not enough and you sacrifice your body to try making the monster happy so he’s not a bigger monster to your kids but the monster only likes extreme sex that seems to leave you feeling broken for days?

    Three days before I can finally start to move my bowels; but the monster still wants it daily and the monster tells you you just like to complain and screws you with a cucumber and says how you should be able to not complain about painful sex because our bodies are meant to take it and heal up. I ask for it to stop. I get sorry, sorry lost. he says he doesn’t want to hurt you, but guess what? The monster does it over and over and you’re a fool because you can’t take it daily.

    1. Tammy, this is sick behavior. The Bible says to “let the marriage bed be undefiled…” What that means is that sex between a husband and wife is to be between the two of them, mutually consenting –not inviting others into the bed (whether physically or visually). Using harmless sex toys is one thing, when both marriage partners mutually consent –that is fine. But when foreign objects are thrust into the sexual “play” between them and intimidation and shaming is being used… then he is not having sex with you, he is having sex with a cucumber… seeing how far he can take it into your human body, which at that point becomes an object to him too. That is deviant behavior.

      It’s not difficult to know that he is into pornography. He has rewired his brain to try to satisfy the highs that he needs, which will get weirder and sicker, and NOT “normal.” There is a secular web site found at, which tells the science behind what our brain is subjected to with porn and how it rewires it to need satisfaction from stimuli, which shoves the marriage partner out and instead brings in other people, images, and objects. The brain can be rewired again, but not without MUCH difficulty. (If you put the words “deviant behavior” into their search engine you will learn a lot.)

      Please know that you will never make your husband happy as long as he is on this bent. You will only bring him temporary relief from that, which is burning inside of him. But this type of sex is the type that will need to take it to new levels continually, and eventually without satisfaction (even worse than being a drug addict). Also, if he hasn’t already, he will most likely lose the ability to have an erection so using objects will not be unusual. You are enabling this sick behavior if you accommodate it. Please know that.

      Tammy, this is not the type of behavior you want with your children around. You really need to keep an eye on them. It could go in that direction… maybe not, but it could. And most likely, they will eventually stumble across some of his stuff, which could be harmful for their psyche. Addicts drop the ball on being careful at certain stages of their addictions. Plus, you never know what diseases he could bring home to you with his sick behavior… he very well could be involving other people behind your back. Don’t put it past him.

      I can’t tell you what to do but I know, without a doubt, what I would do. I would tell my husband that I will not participate in satisfying his sickness by allowing foreign objects to be put into my body by him. Making love is one thing, but thrusting objects into me –cucumbers and such, is entirely another. There’s nothing in the Bible that says a spouse must be subjected to that. The intimidation and shaming must stop too. And if this makes him angry and causes my kids not to be as safe, then I would find a way to get them to a place of protection. If he won’t be the man of the house, protecting his family and wife, then I would take over that position. Someone has to be the hero here. That is my humble, prayerful opinion… please prayerfully consider it.

  24. This is absolutely correct. In my first marriage I was a feminist harridan who thought that any differences between us in sexual needs or anything else was because of “male privilege” and demanded that he change. I called him “rapey” for being unable (unwilling I thought) to stop staring at me when I got out of the shower. Needless to say, our marriage fell apart.

    After a few years learning by working in a profession that shan’t be named, I got married again and by then I had learned the sorts of things our author discusses. I made it clear to my new husband that our bedroom was his brothel. He is in his forties but he still needs a “meal” (LOL) at least four days a week. In addition, my husband is a high-functioning autistic who would often stim* uncontrollably before we were together. This has basically disappeared. His mother told me that she had never seen him so comfortable.


  25. GENESIS 2:20b-25.But for Adam there was not found a helper fit for him. So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man,and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. And the rib that the LORD GOD had taken from the man He made into a woman and brought her to him. Then the man said,”This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called woman, because she was taken out of man.” Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall be one flesh. And the man and his wife were naked and were not ashamed.
    1. The only suitable meet for man is woman.
    2. God is involved in the making of a marriage.
    3. A man aught to close his eyes on one helper fit for him.
    4. Man to appreciate the woman in his life and love her.
    5. Leave and live for her to maximum.
    6. Hold fast to each other and enjoy your marriage.
    7. Never get ashamed of one another.

  26. Very educative. I didn’t know that men’s sexual desires were a priority. Will now handle him better. God bless your ministry. -Lydia in Kenya.

  27. If my husband of 44 years would just be happy with our 1-3 times of sex a week, I’d feel so much more secure, or loved. Since the first day of our marriage, he has complained that he wants sex 3x a day. (How would this be possible with jobs and child raising? Does the idea of seeing whether your wife would like that ever occur?). He was very tyrannical the first 20 years of our marriage, which made marriage so painful for me. He eventually began apologizing for some things, which is an improvement. He has wanted to have children, but always finds work and church events more interesting. (I think he needs lots of public recognition to be happy.) We have come last on his list of interests for 40+ years. As he nears age 70, he is alternately happy with me (“the best of wives) or angry (“44 years of despair is what you’ve given me”). I’m so worn out, so tired of feeling like a single mother of a large family on a tight budget with a MIA husband, who wants to achieve things and finds family life boring. I feel crushed by his brusque unkindness and self-centeredness. Each day I wake up and say to God and to myself, “I will say ‘I do’ again today,” and I believe I can do this every day until I die….but if he were kinder, more patient, not so angry, sex would be so much more attractive. (just realized I sounded like the beginning of Corinthian verse about love being patient, being kind, slow to anger, etc…it’s true.)