Husband’s Sexual Needs: Man Or Monster?

Photoclub
Photoclub

After 27 years of marriage, I’m just beginning to understand my husband’s sexual needs.

I DO know that his need for sexual contact is much stronger than mine. While I would be thrilled, with a romantic rendezvous about twice a month, his need is more intense.

I noticed a pattern: the longer he went without sexual intimacy, the more irritable he became. On the days when we made love, Ron was mellow and easygoing about things that might normally have bothered him. During the day after, he was still patient, kind, and cuddly as a six-foot teddy bear. On the third day after our “session”, he would start to get restless and make sarcastic comments like, ”Don’t worry about me. You just live your life and I’ll wait here.”

Then, if we hadn’t “played doctor” in four days, the veins in his eyes would get red and bulgy and his upper lip would start to twitch. If we went into the fifth day, he’d start to gnaw on the sofa.

The longer he went without release, the more pressurized —that is, grumpy —he became. If we ever went a whole week without sex, it’s as if his skin would turn green, black bolts would pop out of his neck, and he would morph into Franken-Husband.

Ladies, if you aren’t “taking care of business” a couple times a week, you may be creating your own monster.

Ron and I talked about my theory, and he agreed with it. He said, “After several days without sex, I start to feel like you don’t care about me. It isn’t a conscious decision, but my resentment just starts to build and keeps getting worse each day that you ignore or reject me.”

Men Need Release
Then, I did some research and it confirmed our experience. Men’s need for sexual release is based on actual physical, hormonal needs. Many studies agree that because of sperm production, natural testosterone, and other factors, men naturally want sexual release about every seventy-two hours, or three days.

Men need sexual contact. God designed them that way. It’s not bad or dirty or perverted, it just is. If a wife makes an effort to meet her husband’s needs, he’ll be more willing to meet hers. Sex is number one on Ron’s priority list and approximately number forty-seven on mine, but I have learned to honor its importance to him.

You Are Sex-Driving Me Crazy!
I don’t fully understand the hormonal, physical male sex drive, but I do know a thing or two about the female hormone cycles. Ladies, have you ever gone on a PMS-driven mission called “Gotta have chocolate, or someone’s gonna die?” I have. I once ransacked every drawer in my son’s room looking for last year’s semi-sweet Easter Bunny’s ear.

I’ve clawed through the kitchen cupboards like [the movie character] Indiana Jones on a quest, looking for a little golden bag containing stale chocolate chips. As I ripped it open and blissfully inhaled the aroma, my pulse reacted as if I’d just found the necklace that the old lady threw off the Titanic.

Now imagine that you’re on a take-no-prisoners chocolate chase and your husband has a Snickers bar in his locked briefcase —but he won’t give you the key. He has the capability to relieve your hormonal obsession, but he refuses. How would you feel about him? Would you think that he was selfish? Mean? Cruel?

Ron says that’s how a man feels when his wife rejects his sexual needs.

Ouch.

Would You Like a Me-Burger?
If you think of a man’s sexual need as a hunger, his desire can be satisfied in many different ways. Each “feeding” does not have to be a banquet. His wife could “feed the need” with a snack, a meal, or a feast.

Often, a quick snack will satisfy his appetite. (Use your imagination here) Other times, he’ll be thrilled to sit down (lie down) for a simple meal. On special occasions, however, get out the good china (satin sheets), send the children to Grandma’s house, and flambé a fabulous feast.

Ladies, next time your husband gets hungry for you and you’re too tired to prepare a banquet, ask him, “How about a quick snack?” He’ll probably be thrilled that you’re not rejecting him, and you’ll be able to meet his need without resenting it.

Don’t Make Him Beg
Bambi had four children in five years. She went from being a sex kitten to a fat cat who craved catnaps. She lost all interest in sex and was so tired that she had a “headache” for most of the next decade. When her husband tried to get frisky, she’d often arch her back and hiss, “You must be kidding!” He wasn’t. She refused him so many times that he quit asking. Not surprisingly, they’re now divorced and in the middle of a bitter custody battle over the kittens.

Men have fragile egos in this area and, in order to avoid rejection, they may stop pursuing their wives. Ladies, if your husband isn’t asking anymore, immediately sprint into a lingerie shop. I mean now, this minute! March in there, and buy a little —and I mean little —something. Then call your hubby and say, “I’m cooking up something special for dinner —hurry home!”

Unless your husband is a eunuch, he has sexual needs. Do your best to satisfy them.

“But I’m Embarrassed”
I don’t know why, but men are stimulated by visual cues. That’s why they’re much more likely to look at pornography than women are.

That’s also why they like to make love with the lights on. I’d prefer the flattering glow of a single votive candle, but Ron wants to use the same wattage a dentist uses for a root canal. So we have a conflict.

We’ve been married for 27 years and my body is almost fifty years old, and it’s showing signs of wear. I think of it as a comfy sofa: lumpy, frayed, and a little saggy. I try to avoid full-length mirrors, but my hubby still wants to see me —and that’s a good thing.

Several years ago, we discovered a wonderful compromise: we use a red or pink light bulb in the lamp next to our bed. I know it sounds crazy, but don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. The rosy glow diminishes most flaws, wrinkles, and stretch marks. You can buy these magic bulbs at most larger grocery stores for less than five dollars.

Ideally, you should be at a place in your marriage where you can ask each other, “Are you happy with our sex life?” If one of you is not, ask, “Why not?” As a married couple, it’s vital that you are able to discuss your needs openly and honestly. If it’s important to one of you, it needs to be important to both of you.

Metaphorically speaking, if the wife waters the husband and the husband waters the wife, they will both be satisfied. “Drink water from your own well —share your love only with your wife [husband]” (Proverbs 5:15 NLT).

The above article is adapted from the book, Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome, written by Nancy C Anderson, published by Kregel Publications. It was written by Nancy, who strayed to the other side of the marital fence —and returned to find forgiveness and restoration. Based on the principle that the grass is always greener where it’s watered, this book focuses on how to grow a beautiful marriage in your own backyard by establishing protective “hedges” around it. Author Nancy C Anderson and her husband Ron, speak nationally to couples’ groups of all denominations. They share their message of hope and restoration with tenderness and humor. If you live in the United States and would like for them to speak with your group please contact them at www.RonAndNancyAnderson.com. You may also want to visit their blog at www.joyfulmarriage.blogspot.com.

IF YOU ARE MARRIED
and you have additional tips you can share to help others in this area of marriage,
or you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice,
please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.

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Comments

168 responses to “Husband’s Sexual Needs: Man Or Monster?

  1. Nicely done. Like wives, husbands want to be wanted. Certainly, I want to feel wanted physically by my wife; for this, this is very important. While it seems, my wife desires more emotional satisfaction, the balance in our marriage comes through each feeding the other’s markedly different base drives. For me, after 32 years of marriage, at age 58, I enjoy emotional satisfaction when my wife desires my intimate, physical attention, and responds powerfully to it. Similarly, she tends to desire such as I seek the keys to her emotions and, without pull or push, do those things in a genuine effort to fulfill her emotional needs.

  2. Frustrated1, I hope things go better for you. I have the same problem with my wife, except the length of year went from 1 year to 10 years now. I lost all of my hopes just this year. It’s hard to imagine how a human can live without any hope. I have absolutely zero expectation of a better future in everything in my life now. Very often, I feel maybe death is better for me.

    Don’t get to where I am now. You and I know very well that the torture of sex drive every week will never get easier. A week becomes a month, and a month becomes a year. Now a year becomes a decade, and has literally destroyed me. I wait for death or sexual dysfunction to come, but they just don’t come soon enough.

  3. This does not address insatisble desire. If a husband has sex addiction issues and needs it daily…you need to address their role in the destruction of being a “monster”

    1. I would hesitate to label someone who wants sex with their wife daily an addict. Would you want him to suggest there is something wrong with you because you don’t want sex every day? Unless an objective professional has diagnosed him as an addict, your armchair diagnosis will only make things worse, not better.

    2. I doubt anyone has an insatiable desire for sex. While it may be possible that someone may have a “sex addiction”, I suggest being open to the idea that the drive may be physiological. I know I didn’t ask for the libido that I have and there are times that I wished for some way to destroy the drive.

  4. This makes things clear. I’ve denied my husband far too often from sex. Our marriage started off fine but then over the years he was never satisfied with what our sex was like and started wanting to try new things. He’s never liked ‘snacks’ but always wants a full festive meal every time where sometimes I just want a quickie. Then every sex act over the last three years he’s made me beg for it and tells me I have to work for it. It made me feel like I didn’t know what I was doing and felt more and more self conscious and insecure so I drew more and more away because quite honestly, I didn’t know how to work for it.

    Now I’ve discovered he’s hooked on porn. It’s shattered me as now I feel even if we have sex every day I will never be what those women are or do what they do and no matter what I feel like I will never satisfy him because he haste ‘experts’ to compare me to. I am lost and broken and don’t know where to go from here.

    1. There are a lot of dynamics to consider. It sounds like there’s frustration on both sides. You could try to reset the relationship with a heart to heart discussion and get everything in the open. His expectations may need to be adjusted and you may need to make changes too. If that doesn’t work, you may want to try a counselor. By the way, there’s a big difference between porn and actually being with someone. I think most people would choose regular sex in a mutually respectful and loving relationship any day over porn.

    2. Just do it. Not that. The other one. Sing to his microphone and wash away the past by opening up to a glorious spring future. Bask in the dew as he stares at you in awe, which will turn to love.

  5. If someone can help me please do. My wife and I have been married for 32 years. We are Christians and have been from our childhood. My wife has never been all that much for sex. Now 32 years later she really doesn’t care for sex at all. To be fair about three years ago I had to have a trup (it is something like having the whole in side of the prostate taken out.) It is very hard for me to get and keep an erection. After a very little time things kind of came to an end. So I try to understand how she feels. But in a years time we have only made love two times in a whole year.

    I have told my wife how I feel and have even asked her to read things like what is above. She reads them and I talk with her trying to get her to truly understand what I am going through but things don’t change. I know that we love each other and I can’t see myself living without her. After God she is the very most important person and love of my life.

    Can anyone like a Christian woman tell me what is going on and how I might help my wife. Because I know that she is not happy with the sex we have and I know that it is my fought. I take med’s for ED but they just don’t work very well on me. Sex is by no means the most important thing in our marriage but is sure has a place. Please, can some one who is a Christian please help me. P.S. I have other health problems that makes ED even more of a case. God Bless

  6. My husband would rather have a root canal or colonoscopy than have sex with me. Married 49 years and only had sex once, the one thing we have left in common is sharing our property. He has no interest in sex, intimacy with me or any one else. He has no intimate friends (female or male) totally hates life and the world in general. It bothers no one and I had him watched by private people and all they said is he does normal things, work and etc. One statement was is he really is boring. Now I’m way too old to care any more, I hope he likes himself! I hate the man and just wish he would go away. I have no where to go; no family except my church family. I should have left him but I was stupid and young, now I regret my life.