Marriage Missions International

I Love You But I’m Not IN LOVE With You Anymore

hand burst stick paper phrase I love you heartOUCH!!! If you’ve heard the words “I love you but I’m not IN love with you anymore” said to you by your spouse, again I say …OUCH to the Nth degree! Even if you’ve said those words to your spouse, I say OUCH! There is a lot of pain that comes about as those feelings are revealed.

That phrase of, “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” is being said and lived out by marriage partners here, there, and everywhere we turn, it seems. It’s like a deadly plague in epidemic proportions, that is infecting and killing marriages all over the world. We call it the “in and out of love” sickness, because that’s what it is.

I have to confess that this same insidious sickness invaded our marriage as well. A number of years ago, I felt the same way about my husband, Steve. I was tired of what was going on in our marriage and just wasn’t experiencing the same romantic feelings I once had for him so I concluded that I wasn’t “in love” with him anymore and that this “love” would never return. I wanted out!

These feelings, or lack there-of, almost brought about the death of our marriage relationship. Thankfully, God intervened to open my eyes and then to help resurrect a new love —a true love within my heart and mind for my husband. We now have a great marriage (with on-going work) and a deep, deep love for each other.

And since that time of our “lost love”, I’ve learned a few things that I’d like to pass along to you. Hopefully, it will help someone in some way. Whether you’re the one who has heard those words said to you by your spouse or you’re the one who is experiencing that “lost love” in your heart, I pray you will be able to benefit from what I’ve lived, learned, and want to pass along to you.

Through what I’ve experienced and have learned it has been revealed to me that:

We can say the words “I love you” but that doesn’t mean that we understand what is involved in truly loving someone. Words can be cheap. Love is lived out by our words AND our actions. We can get a type of high from the experience and when that “high” leaves us, we’re ready to slink away and jump into the next emotional high of what “love” brings our way.

And in the wake of our jumping from one LOVE to the next, a lot of people —especially children, are left behind devastated. Somehow, we need to change this and reach for mature and growing love.

“‘I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you’ is a cop out. It basically means that I have no clue how to make a relationship last LONG-TERM so I’m exiting to get high from another short-term romance. But whoever they’re IN LOVE with now will also eventually hear, ‘I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you.'” (Mort Ferel, in the Christian Post article, “I Love You But I’m Not in Love With You“)

Love is more than feelings. Feelings can deceive you. One minute you feel one way and the next you don’t. You may THINK you love, but actually what you could be experiencing is temporary infatuation, “lust” or a bio-chemical rush that lasts for a season that is unsustainable in the long-run without following through with decisions to help it to grow.

A great article to explain this phenomenon is posted on the web site. If you’d like to find out more about it please click onto the link below to read:


I didn’t realize this when I first fell in “love” and eventually married Steve. I can now see as I look back that my “love” for him was probably based more on a bio-chemical attraction than anything else.. I can totally relate to something that relationship expert Pat Love, explained about this type of “love”. She wrote:

“‘Love at first sight’ can happen, but most often infatuation begins with fondness or comfort in each other’s presence. Later there comes a flush or a quickened heartbeat upon encounter, or maybe a heightened energy when you are together. As the infatuation continues, separation from your love creates a great deal of anxiety. When not together, you daydream about reunion and anxiously anticipate the next encounter. To comfort yourself, you might replay former encounters in your mind, sleep with a shirt left behind, listen to a song that reminds you of him or her, or listen to an old message on your answering machine. As the relationship takes on special meaning, you long for further contact and spend time and energy scheming about ways to get together.

“…When the lover’s affection is confirmed, daily priorities get reordered. The workaholic misses deadlines. The penny-pincher blows a paycheck on plane fare. Sleep is sacrificed for [times together]. Long phone conversations and/or e-mails abound. Both people have a remarkable ability to emphasize what is admirable in the other partner. They may even feel compassion for negative traits to the extent of turning them into positives (‘He is so honest, he told me all about his affairs’).

“The brain is an incredible creation; it begins working long before your birth and doesn’t stop until you fall in love.” (Pat Love, from the book, “The Truth About Love”)

Can you relate? I sure can! Not only can I relate to the fluttery feelings that infatuation brings, because I sure experienced that with my husband Steve for a long time, but I can also relate to the brain stopping —both during the infatuation stage as well as later as I lived out my own definition of love.

After the infatuation stage passed, I think my love for my husband evolved into something that was based more on how he made me feel. As long as he made me feel good about myself and our relationship, I was “in love” with him. But when the everydayness of marriage and circumstantial storms invaded our lives and many conflicts between us arose out of it all (plus, the fact that Steve and I were very young and immature), my “love” seemed to disappear.

As authors Dr Les and Leslie Parrott wrote in their book I Love You More:

“Without love there would be no wedding, and certainly no marriage. Love is the catalyst for commitment. Love is what insures that every marriage starts out good. But sooner or later every good marriage bumps into negative things. And that’s what honest couples discover —that love, no matter how good, is never enough.”

And it sure wasn’t enough for us —at least not the type of love we had for each other, based mostly on feelings. I may have loved Steve in my own way, but it wasn’t the sustainable love that would hold our relationship together when problems clouded over our feelings.

It was at that critical fork in the road in our marriage that God revealed to me that:

Love is both a noun and a verb. In other words, “love” names and states your feelings (as a noun), but it is also something that demands action (as a verb) to help it to be and stay real.

Yes, I did many things for Steve (and complained about many of them when it seemed too one-sided), but I didn’t get the concept that my feelings wouldn’t always be pronounced or even evident at times, which would make me want to continue doing things for him.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 is one of the many places in the Bible where we can see that God points this out to us. Every “love is” that is mentions in those Bible passages, such as “patient“, “kind“, “does not envy“, “is not rude” etc, puts a verb to it. That doesn’t mean that love is ONLY about actions, but it’s a very important part of it. We sometimes forget that.

“While someone who says, ‘I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you’ seems to be making a distinction between ‘different loves;’ in fact, they are expressing their confusion about what love really is. And that’s why they’re having marital problems and maybe even an affair (because who are they IN LOVE with?).

“Love is something we articulate in the vocabulary of ACTION. Love is a verb. It’s not a feeling you get from another PERSON; it’s an experience you receive as a result of DEEDS YOU DO for another person. And those deeds are not a secret. In other words, love is NOT a mystery! There are specific things you can do with your spouse to solve your problems and build love in your marriage. (Mort Fertel, in the Christian Post article, “I Love You But I’m Not in Love With You“)

God taught me that I had to put feet to my faith and feet to my love for my husband. Love is both a noun and a verb. I learned that sometimes, even though the feelings of love were not there, I still needed to be loving in my actions and eventually the feelings would come along for the ride. What I did for Steve, I did “as unto the Lord” and trusted Him for the result. I needed to exercise mature love —the type that Jesus showed us while we were yet sinners” as He died for us on the cross.

“Most people think that the FEELING of love comes BEFORE we express love  —and in the beginning of a relationship, that’s what happens. You fall in love and THEN you do acts of love. Your feelings inspire your actions.

“But mature love asks more of you. To create a strong LASTING marriage, you first CHOOSE LOVING ACTIONS. Your feelings will follow. After all, you don’t jog two miles or skip dessert because you feel healthy. You feel healthy because you jogged two miles and skipped dessert. So too, when it comes to your marriage, YOUR ACTIONS CREATE YOUR FEELINGS!” (From the article “Change the Momentum of Your Marriage” by Mort Fertel)

I’ve learned that you can learn to love the same person all over again with intentionality and God’s help. I really didn’t think my love would come back for Steve. It’s something God had to work on in my heart and I had to trust Him for —all a part of the faith-walk we are on this side of heaven. I’ve talked to many others who have found themselves in the same place with their spouses and they thought the same thing. But I did what I needed to do, and they did as well, and our marriages got back onto the right track as a result.

It doesn’t happen this way for everyone, but I’ve seen that it happens more than we could imagine as we trust God to help us to live as we should, no matter what we see going on at the time.

For me, it was a journey that God took me on to first learn what real love was all about and to learn more about God, whose very name means LOVE. If He couldn’t teach me how to love and be one who is more lovable, who could? I got into the Bible and learned more about God’s ways, learned more about my husband, worked on my own issues and became intentional in living out the principles of love I was learning even before I had the feelings I desired. It was a difficult journey but one worth taking.

I can relate to what author Nancie Carmichael wrote:

“Marriage can be better than ever, if we will do what Jesus says. We can be very complicated when it comes to restoring love. We wait for ‘feelings.’ But we don’t need to wait for the feelings of love —we can “do” love. Jesus says that we are to do what He says. What does it mean to ‘do’ what He says?

“It means to be kind to one another. It means we will lay down our lives for each other —which could mean truly listening to one another. It means we speak the truth in love to each other and treat each other as we want to be treated. These are not dramatic, new ideas. But love never fails. It bears fruit. The amazing thing about Jesus is that feelings follow actions.” (Nancie Carmichael, from the Christian Mommies web site, in an article you can read further and learn more by clicking onto “Fall in Love With Your Spouse Again“)

Again, something that marriage expert, Mort Fertel says applies as well:

“Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It’s a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable —you can ‘make’ love (from the article “I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You“).

I realize by saying all of this, that I may be “preaching to the choir” —that you may be “doing” and “making” love until you’re ready to fall apart with no end in sight. And you may be exhausted barely hanging on.

I have to say that I don’t know the journey you are on in all of this. And I truly am sorry for your pain. It may be that you need to keep “doing” and keep asking God to show you how to endure going on without seeing an end in sight. I’ve seen this happen before. I’ve actually been there before in other prayer areas of my life.

I’m reminded of Noah and Abraham and Joseph and Job, from the Bible who probably saw no end in sight in answer to their situations despite all they had to keep doing all along their journey. But eventually they did see a positive answer to their toils and their prayers.

I think of missionaries who will go years and years without a single convert and then eventually, because they kept going on and didn’t give up (even though they were discouraged more times than they could count), they saw a glimmer of hope. And hope was renewed and prayers were answered.

I’m also reminded of the many gold miners in the United States, years ago, who gave up JUST before they would have struck gold, and history records how close they came to victory, but someone else received the benefit of their labor instead. They gave up JUST before the going got good.

I can’t tell you if that is the journey you are on or not. I know that it tells us in the Bible “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up” (Galatians 6:9).

And I can tell you that Jesus said, “Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden light” (Matthew 11:28-30).

It also says in the Bible that “those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint” (Isaiah 40:31).

I can’t tell you that the “rest” or the renewed “strength” you will receive, or the “harvest” will come in the way that you expect, because God ways can’t be boxed in and predicted like that. But just as Elijah found out, God is there for us, even in a whisper (see 1 Kings 19) or a completely different way.

When we trust him and “lean not upon our own understanding” as we’re told in Proverbs 3:5-6, He will make our “paths straight” for the journey we are on. HE will “not leave us or forsake us” (see Deuteronomy 31:6 and Hebrews 13:5), even if others might do so.

He might be quiet for a while for whatever purpose He may have, but you can be assured that He loves you and is closer than you think.

This article cannot give you all the answers. I don’t have them. I’ve learned a lot through the years about love and marriage and not giving up and persevering beyond the strength I thought I had.

Some of you may have to live out tougher love than you ever thought you would or could. How I wish I could change that for you. I know the type of pain that involves and it’s worse than one can often describe. If you believe this might be the case for you, the following article may help you better understand this concept:

• ASK DR DAVID: True Love Requires Tough Love

And then for a different twist, some ideas to pray about from an article that isn’t written from a Christian perspective (and isn’t posted on a Christian web site), but it gives you serious food for thought and something to pray about and consider when your spouse says, “I don’t love you.” Please click onto the link below to read:


Again, we can’t give you all of the answers within this article. But in my research, I’ve learned a few additional things from other marriage educators and authors that I’d like to pass along to you. It may be the reason you are to read this article, to gain a clearer understanding of your situation and then eventually the Lord will reveal more to help you in the future.

When a person says “I love you but I’m not IN love with you,” not only is it emotionally traumatizing for the person on the receiving end of those words, but it’s also confusing. “Where did their LOVE run off to?” And “how can I make sense of all of this?” And “what do I do about the love I feel for my spouse now that he/she says ‘I don’t love you?'” can be a few of the many, many questions that come up.

The spouse who is delivering this horrible message to the other spouse is actually wrestling with other issues:

“The excuse ‘I’m not in love with you anymore’ is nonsensical. Let me tell you why. There is no such emotional condition as falling out of love; it’s a justification for doing whatever you are planning on doing. It’s a way to let your spouse down easy.

“What you’re really feeling and should be saying is ‘I don’t want to love you anymore.’ It usually means that the attitude towards your spouse and marriage is not what it once was. Perhaps you are talking yourself into having an affair or perhaps you have already had an affair.

“The person who says ‘I’m not in love with you anymore’ is searching for a feeling. The marriage has stopped giving them a feeling they want and expect to have.'” (Angie Lewis from the article titled “I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You Anymore —which you may want to read to learn more on this issue.)

As I said before, feelings can come and go.

“A person who says, ‘I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you,’ is making a distinction between 2 different feelings. But NEITHER of those feelings are love! When a person says, ‘I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you,’ they’re saying that I CARE about you but I’m not EXCITED about you.

“CARING about someone is a good thing. It’s reflective of CONCERN. But it’s different than love. I care about the starving children in Africa, but I don’t love them. Being EXCITED about someone is a good thing. But it’s different than love. I might be excited to have a relationship with President of the United States or a Hollywood star, but that doesn’t mean I love them. (Mort Fertel, in the Christian Post article, “I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You” (You can also receive Successful Marriage Tips via the email, on his web site.)

Again, there is a difference in feelings and the label we can put upon the term “love” but true love is more than having feelings for a person. There is more required to truly live out a “life of love” as we’re told in Ephesians 5:1-2, Be imitators of God, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.”

IF eventually, your spouse will listen to reason, and will put effort into making your marriage work once again, you both need to do what it takes to bring love back into your everyday lives with each other.

“The key to love is attention. More specifically Brett Williams, the author of You Can Be Right or You Can Be Married: Love-Based Solutions for Couples, and the creator of the Date Night Deck, believes that love is the free gift of our attention. ‘When couples are dating they bring all kinds of attention to each other on a daily basis, and their love is never stronger. After the vows are given, the pair stops pursuing and their attention is turned toward their careers, their new family, and taking care of the home. This is when their love becomes starved for attention and the feeling of closeness begins to wane.’

“’Intuitively everyone understands this relationship between love and attention; so much so that the words are used almost interchangeably. Therefore in order to reconnect they need to bring attention to one another. What they need is a weekly date night.

“’A movie and dinner is not going to cut it. The way couples typically date brings very little attention. For the dates to be effective in creating closeness they must follow the principles that govern love/attention:

1) Attention is drawn to novelty

2) Energy grabs attention

3) Attention comes in three forms

“’A great date will contain variety, vitality, and attention in a style the other person wants.’”

If you need some ideas to get you onto a good footing to grow your love, please visit the Romantic Ideas topic, to glean through and use that, which will help you to grow your love for each other.

And lastly, on this issue, the following Youtube clip is excerpted from the sermon “Friend with Benefits,” part 2 of Mars Hill Church’s Real Marriage sermon series. It was preached by Pastor Mark at Mars Hill Downtown Bellevue. It’s titled, “People Don’t Fall Out of Love”

Here’s a portion of what Pastor Mark said, to prayerfully consider:

“People may fall out of repentance, but they don’t fall out of love. God tells us we can love our enemies. How? Because love doesn’t begin with or emanate from us —God is love. Even when we’re not feeling particularly friendly toward our spouse, we can still love them with the love that God gives.”

After all that is brought out in this article, and in the linked article, and the Youtube clip, how I/we wish new and true love could be infused into your spouse’s heart for you, and/or love can develop instantly in your heart for your spouse! Unfortunately, learning to love again and anew, takes more than hopes and wishes. It takes intentionality to learn what God can and will teach to those who are willing to participate.

Although Steve and I can’t do much more for you than what we offer in this article and on this web site, what we can do is point you to the One who can renew your hope. We encourage you to believe that this is not the end of the world for you. The Lord can bind up your broken heart and bring healing and help in ways you may not be able to imagine at this time.

In closing, I would like to share something with you that is written in Stormie Omartian’s book, Praying Through the Deeper Issues of Marriage (that we recommend you read). It is a prayer, based on scripture, which I believe God could use to help you in your situation. It’s titled “Prayer for Breakthrough in Me.” You may want to use it as an outline to pray through, for God to minister to your heart.

You can’t MAKE your spouse participate in your marriage in the way he or she should, but you can ask God to keep your heart and mind and focus centered on doing things His way, and to give you peace of mind in the process. Here’s the prayer:

“LORD I COME BEFORE YOU and cast all my cares at Your feet, knowing that You care for me (1 Peter 5:7). I thank You that Your plans for me are for a good future filled with peace and hope (Jeremiah 29:11). Help me to remember that no matter what is happening in my life and in my marriage, You will never leave me or forsake me.

“Lord, I confess as sin any time I have felt hopeless about my situation and especially about important aspects of my marriage. Your Word says that ‘hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when desire comes, it is a tree of life’ (Proverbs 13:12). When time passes for so long and I see no change, I feel heartsick and hopeless. But I confess any hopelessness I have to You, for You have said that whatever doesn’t come from faith is sin (Romans 14:23). It reveals that my faith in Your power to change things is weak. I pray that You would help me to not hesitate to hope again out of fear that I will be disappointed. I commit to trusting in You at all times. I pour out my heart before You, knowing You are my God of refuge (Psalm 62:8).

“Help me to become a child —entirely dependent upon You, for I know that this is the safest place I can be. I pray that You would search me, O God, and know my heart; try me, and know my anxieties; and see if there is any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting’ (Psalm 139:23-24). Enable me to become all I need to be.

“In the midst of challenges in my marriage I say, ‘Be merciful to me! For my soul trusts in You; and in the shadow of Your wings I will make my refuge, until these calamities have passed by’ (Psalm 57:1).

“Even though we may suffer at times in this marriage because of things one of us has done or not done, I know that You are ‘able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us’ (Ephesians 3:20-21). I will be strong and take heart because my hope is in You (Psalm 31:24).

“Thank You that You put my tears in Your bottle (Psalm 56:8). I pray that You, Holy Spirit, would give me ‘beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, and the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness’ (Isaiah 61:1-3). Make me to be a pillar of righteousness for Your glory. Help me to not cease my ‘work of faith, labor of love, and patience of hope in our Lord Jesus Christ’ for I know You can change everything in my life (1 Thessalonians 1:3). In Jesus’ name I pray.”

The above article is written by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International.


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181 Responses to “I Love You But I’m Not IN LOVE With You Anymore”
  1. Joseph from United States says:

    When two people marry it’s for Life. They pledge their love, affection, both emotional and spiritual to the other person. God sees all things. That is why if one person is unfaithful the other senses it. And when the unfaithful one realizes the other person knows that they have been unfaithful their guilt is multiplied 100 fold. They must make amends with God first and the spouse second.

  2. Eloise from South Africa says:

    Thank you. This has helped me a lot. And has helped me to find some peace and hope

  3. Christie from United States says:

    This is great! I actually go to Mark Driscoll’s church! I love his teachings and I loved this article you wrote. I actually just wrote an article on this topic. I would love if you checked it out. I love my husband even though I may not always feel it. I had about 5000 views and people admitted that they felt that way too.

    • Cindy Wright from United States says:

      LOVE your article, Christie. Thanks for sharing it with us. I’m hoping it will inspire more people to persevere through the “drought” times in marital love, to work towards the better and best of times. I know… my husband and I had to do this and now we are madly in love with each other. I love your analogy of parental love because you’re right… there was a time (more than once) that I didn’t like or think I loved them, but that sure changed later in life. I’m reminded of James 1:4 where we’re told, “Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

  4. Kiki from United States says:

    There IS a difference between being IN love and loving someone. I love my parents and kids and I would die for them -but I am not IN love with them. Being In love means that there’s some special ROMANTIC bond that makes people want to be together. Sometimes the things that brought people together that way die over time because ppl change and if they don’t make an effort to maintain a certain level of romance in their relationship -that bond dies. NO woman or man wants to spend the rest of their life with a roommate they don’t desire or have much in common with anymore.

    • Doug from United States says:

      It’s a choice. Make the correct choice.

    • Larry from United States says:

      It’s not as simple as making a choice. The other person in the marriage has to make the same choice. All marriage advice always comes with the spin of fixing what we’re doing wrong. Well, sometimes, we can do everything right and the other person refuses to love you back. And as time goes on, you do get weary and it becomes impossible to have romantic feelings for someone who makes you miserable.

      I’m in this boat myself. I love my wife dearly. I try to correct the problems with my own character. Although both Christians, we were different people when we married. She has become ultra-conservative in her convictions, almost cult-like, in my opinion, and has tried to ram her new convictions those down my throat. And then, from time to time, she comes off with the whole, “I love you, but not in that way” nonsense.

      I have to remind myself of Jesus undying love. But there is a limit, even with God’s love, because when not received, it ends with His judgment and wrath. I’m so depressed at times because I feel biblically trapped in a marriage I don’t want, and the only help I find is the “how to fix me” stuff. I honestly pray that God would return for us, or have her leave me, because I don’t want to sin to try to find relief from misery. Isn’t it sad to live a life this way?

      But please don’t lecture about choices. Some of us have made those choices that have never been reciprocated.

      • Doug from United States says:

        I made the choice to stand and am close to having her divorce finalized. She has not acted as a wife for years and yes, it is hard to bear. I’ve fallen and I’ve gotten back up. My choice. My teenage daughters have benefitted from my stand. God bless you.

      • Nim from United States says:

        I do not believe the Lord would want us to stay in a loveless marriage. Physical love is important and if that desire for the other person is gone and you have tried hard to get it back, but it did not return, there comes a time you have to walk away. I think some people can get back the “in love” feeling with time and energy spent on the marriage and every marriage deserves all the time and energy one can put into it to get this romantic feeling and desire back.

        But, if you have really tried and just cannot change the way you feel about your spouse, there comes a time when staying will only harm you and your partner. You will begin to feel trapped, depressed, and resentful of your spouse…not healthy for you, and not healthy for your spouse. Some people are probably able to get those good feelings back, and some people do not get them back, but are able to stay in the marriage and be happy and content with the good things their spouse and the marriage does for them.

        But, for the ones that have tried and just cannot be affectionate to their partners without feeling bad about themselves, I think they have to leave. To spend your remaining years unhappy will only lead to depression and sickness, and it certainly is not a good situation for the spouse you do not feel physical feelings for any longer. Both should be free to enjoy their remaining time on God’s earth.

        • Amanda from United States says:

          I agree with you Nim. I love how you said put it. Thank you.

        • Greg from United States says:

          God has revealed to me in my life that my “happiness” is not dependant on my spouse. In fact “happiness” is a fleeting emotion that can come and go, and is dependant upon how my attitude is toward something. And to put the burden of “happiness” on someone else’ shoulders is a sure way to set yourself up for disappointment, and to crush that other person with the weight of something they cannot provide.

          Christ is the only way to find true peace and joy. When we put our trust and hope in Him, He will never let us down. What God also revealed to me is that the “world’s” way of marriage and love is all about “what does my spouse do or not do for me?”, or “what am I getting or not getting out of this marriage?” This is the enemy’s lie! Christ came to this earth fully God, the King of kings. He could have easily demanded he be worshiped and served, but instead he served others. He healed the sick and comforted those who needed comfort. He washed the feet of his disciples. He was the example that we are to follow. Did Jesus worry about his own happiness? He was obedient to the Father, obedient unto death. He shows us that even though circumstances in the natural may not make sense, God’s plan and way is always the best for us, not what we think is the best for us.

          God has shown me when my hope is in the world, I will get the world’s results. When my hope is in the Lord, I will get the Lord’s results. When I made a vow to my wife, I pledged my love for better or worse, not until I didn’t feel like it anymore. To pledge your love is to do what you can do for them, not what are you getting out of it from them. How are you blessing your spouse every day? If we bless and serve others, we are blessed beyond belief.

          God loved us first. While we were yet sinners Christ died for each and every one of us. I realize that whether or not my wife loves me or not, I have made a vow before God, to love her and cherish her until death do us part. I learned that I was selfish. I learned I need to die to myself every day. I’ve learned the only way to true peace and joy is having a right relationship with Jesus Christ. He is first! My wife is second. My kids are third. Family, friends and others are fourth, and I know and trust that Christ will provide me with everything I need.

          He gives me grace everyday to lay my life and selfish wants and needs at the cross. God has revealed that the idea that there is someone better out there is a lie. Its a trick of the enemy to steal kill and destroy marriage, which is God’s representation of his relationship with us, the body of Christ. I must be obedient to Jesus. He has a plan and a purpose for us. If we humble ourselves, I think we can find joy and peace in our present circumstances, and it has absolutely nothing to do with whether my spouse is loving me or not loving me, being nice to me or being mean to me.

          My hope and my trust is in my savior, the Lord Jesus Christ. Be blessed, and please prayerfully consider what your true motivation is. Am I sharing the lignt of Christ, or am I living my life the world’s way and seeking what pleases the flesh? Glory to God, and praise our Lord Jesus Christ.

  5. Allison from South Africa says:

    Thanks Cindy for the LOVELY sermon. I have been in conflict with my emotions of lately because my ex partner and I were together for 4 years and it has been hard to go and meet other people. Though we were never married, I can identify with everything you said. God brings people in our lives that treat us better than we ever thought possible and when that happens we love it. But as soon as we see them making mistakes we forget that they too are human and we stop working on our relationships.

    There is a lesson here. True love is what God sends but it is up to us to keep it true. I blamed my ex boyfriend for being the reason why we broke up. What I didn’t realize was that he too was bound to make a mistakes as he is human, and it is my duty also to realize that as I had once believed he was a God-sent Angel, I needed to believe in God to pull us through no matter how many times we found ourselves in a slump because that’s what we used to say.

    I felt like I didn’t love him but after reading this I also realize I made my mistake and he never left me. What I get you are saying is, we should work on us, our partners and relationships because these days it is hard to find good relationships, let alone a wonderful one and I had a wonderful one. I also learned that we should respect our bodies and that has been one thing that has prevented me from moving on because for 4 years I was intimate with one man and I had planned to have it stay that way.

    There are people out there who are sick, angry and ready to spread the sickness and claim lives. I could be on my way to being the next victim, knowing on the other hand, I had blessings and took them for granted. I might just meet one of them and end up sick myself and again blame God. God sent me an amazing man but I bailed out on him and our promises that I made to him and God. Thank you very much. I will be calling my ex and definitely work things out with him and find God again.

    • Jennifer from United States says:

      Reading what you wrote was highly inspirational- your words made me want to fix my own marriage even more. Reading of your decision to call your mate and repair what you had mistakenly almost given away gave me great hope and caused me to feel joyful! I pray that the two of you are successful in healing your love. I hope your partner receives your love and open arms with the same in return… How I pray that is the outcome of your decision to reconcile. I hope you get married in the end. By reading your words, it is quite evident that you are a special woman, a good woman. Please let us know of the outcome. I would very much like to speak to you woman to woman. I would love very much to have a friend who has faith as you do. You are in my prayers.

      • Jennifer from United States says:

        I also want to add that if your partner is not at first willing to reconcile… do not despair or give up. It may take him a while to move past his hurt… but you’re meant to be together and I pray you stay the course through all odds and obstacles.

  6. Sherryl from United States says:

    An impressive share! I have just forwarded this onto a co-worker who was doing a little research on this. And he actually ordered me dinner because I found it for him…
    lol. So let me reword this…. Thank YOU for the meal!! But yeah, thanx
    for spending time to talk about this issue here on your blog.

  7. Don from United States says:

    Please say a prayer for me! My wife has told me that she is not in love with me anymore! I think she is seeing someone else and giving him a lot of her money! I feel so helpless as she keeps her cell phone away from me and is always angry with me even when I’m nice to her! After 23 years she is like another person! Please give me strength, God! I’ve always been a faithful husband and treated her great but I hurt my back and was laid up for a while and she got lonely. I’m in a lot of emotional pain right now! Please, I need all the prayers to help me get through this!

    • Malou from Philippines says:

      Hi Bro… God can do a lot for you… if you just keep praying for all good things for her (and her lover) …God will do the right thing for you, but your heart will surely be at peace… God bless you, Malou

      • Don from United States says:

        Thank you! I found out that my wife was texting what she thought was a younger man but turned out to be a scammer! He took her for 65 thousand dollars! I’m so angry, but more at the scammers! God will surely send them to hell! I joined a church to help me get through this and help me get closer to God. The funny thing about all of this is the church I joined sends missionaries to your country to help people with medical care and other things. Thank you and take care my friend.

  8. Bonnie from the United States from United States says:

    For 8 months my husband would go to work and then go to shop. He didn’t come home til 1 or 2 in morning every single day. I would call and beg him to come home. He still wouldn’t. He said I fussed at him for everything. So I left my husband and was planning on going back the next week. My daughter had some trouble with her child’s dad. She called cops and made him leave. So I had planned on staying for 30 days and return home. In that time, I knew he had been doing drugs and been going thru health issues. And then he told me he wasn’t in love with me. I told him you can’t just throw 29 years away. He said it’s over.

    In our first 10 years we both cheated. The last 19, I haven’t cheated. I’m not sure he hasn’t. We’ve had a lot of heated arguments. In those I would tell him that I hated him and I didn’t love him. Those words have come back to haunt me.

    I’ve begged, pleaded and about had a nervous breakdown. I told him I would go to counseling, get a job, and do whatever it took. I just wanted to try. He still insisted that he wasn’t in love with me. He told me he was pushing me away before I even left. I told him I was sorry for everything I had ever said or done to him. I needed him to understand this. He also said in time maybe he could love me again. But how can he while we are apart?

    Tomorrow he will find out results from tests he’s had. He said he doesn’t want pity from me or anyone else. I said it’s out of love and if you are sick, then I want to be there for you. We talked and I mean we really communicated. We had never done this before. I said well, if we did then we probably wouldn’t be here.

    I am asking for any advice and prayers for us. I really do love him with all my heart. It’s hard to see my life without him.

  9. Xoliswa from Europe says:

    My husband and I are a young married couple. He’s 29 and I’m 25 and we’ve been married for 2 years now. We have 2 children together, which were my first but he has 5 kids in total of which the 3 come from 3 different mothers… I love my husband but I don’t think I’m still in love with him. We’ve been together for almost 11 years. We are high school sweethearts. Please advise. I’m mainly thinking of my kids but this marriage has gotten so selfish, I don’t even feel like a part of his life anymore.

  10. Kelly from Ireland says:

    I have been confiding in God and asking for his help to rekindle our romance of 16 years and our marriage of 12. This article has encouraged me to keep the faith. Thank you.

  11. Sevda from United Kingdom says:

    My husband says he loves me but he’s not in love with me anymore, what do I do?

  12. Elisabeth from United States says:

    Thanks for the article and the prayers…it was very insightful. I have been struggling for a long time now on what’s next in my marriage. I am leaning on prayer, journaling, and honest communication with my spouse but I’m still so uncertain. Through church, reading books, and reading blogs, I am learning that desire in the early stages of a relationship is what lights the flame and duty in a marriage keeps the flame going. I also read in a book written by a marriage counselor that in order to save your marriage couples felt as though they had to get the ‘in love’ feeling back.

    My challenge is that I never had the deep connection with my spouse. I was never in love and lacked the romantic desire from the beginning of my marriage. We met and I became pregnant within the first year of our relationship. We waited to get married and then had additional children. So I am strugging with the comittment I made to my spouse and now my children.

    I’m trying to open my heart to falling in love but it’s not happening. We became very distant over the last few years and over the last two years, I prepared myself to move on and end my marriage. I was very surprised the feeling was not mutual. Now that I’ve communicated that to my spouse, a lot of changes have been made on both parts but yet I don’t have the desire to be intimate. I feel as though it is not fair to either person because intimacy is important.

    How long do I continue to try and see if ‘in love’ can come? It’s like I’m married to my best friend but at the end of the night I want to go to my own room. It’s such a difficult situation to be in and the guilt of breaking the family unit apart is gut-wrenching. Any comments are welcome.

  13. Don from United States says:

    We can all thank the liberals and the anti-men for this! Not to mention the anti-Christians and all the other who want to get rid of God’s people in our country! It’s too easy to lie cheat and discard your spouse like yesterday’s garbage! Maybe someday people will wake up before it’s too late to screw up their lives!

  14. V from United States says:

    Thanks, I enjoyed reading your article. I’ve heard those dreaded words “I love you, but I’m not in love with you anymore” and it’s quite painful. I’m in the midst of these issues. We’re separated and live in different states and now that my feelings for him are clearer than ever and our son needs us, he’s decided to move on and has just begun dating someone. We have a 4 yr old son that misses him. I want our family back together. I’ll pray and continue to work on myself and become a better person.

  15. Michelle from United States says:

    I’m a 28 year old female and I’m not married but in a serious relationship that is only a few months in. I cycle through feelings of falling in and out of love on a daily basis. My boyfriend is the all around best man I’ve ever had in my life and it’s bewildering to have these bouts of coldness, hardness, and indifference come over me when I ask myself the question of “do I love him?” These are the things you wrote that helped me the most:
    ” Love is both a noun and a verb. “Love is something we articulate in the vocabulary of ACTION. It’s not a feeling you get from another PERSON; it’s an experience you receive as a result of DEEDS YOU DO for another person.
    I learned that sometimes, even though the feelings of love were not there, I still needed to be loving in my actions and eventually the feelings would come along for the ride.”

  16. Matt from United States says:

    Hello and thank you so much for this article I truly wish every married couple will read this and take it to heart. Please I would like to share a bit about my situation and possibly here any comments.

    My wife and I have been together for 15 years and we have 3 children together years are 8, 8, & 7 I also have a 16 yr old from a previous engagement (never married before). About 6 years ago I had an affair and it lasted about 3 months while I was traveling for work. She didn’t have to snoop around about it; one night I told her and I apologized and promised to never do it again (I knew in my heart I couldn’t live a lie and couldn’t lie to my wife or God).

    While we tried to reconcile and I was still lost she went to counseling through her work at the time (she is a nurse) and she asked me to go and I stupidly said no – I still had too much pride and I guess I was not broken enough to see the light, since then she has chatted with a few guys online or through text 2 times which almost ended us because she did start getting feelings for those other guys.

    Over the years we have had a fight about once a year where she is ready to leave and brings up my affair as ammo against me and it kills me every time. Currently she says she loves me but not in love with me and wants to separate. She really seems determined this time and has been chatting with a few other guys on facebook and other games through facebook she was trying to hide it from me but I searched her phone and found “I love you babe” “I love you too baby; I can’t wait to hear your voice, it so soothing” from both parties. I don’t like the feeling of looking at her phone and I will not do it anymore because 1. its an invasion of privacy and 2. I don’t like how I feel afterward but I need her to tell me the truth as well.

    I loved your article and how it talks about just staying the course and that is what I plan on doing but at the same time I really want our family together and not to split up because the kids are seriously going to be affected by it and she knows that and even agrees with me that we don’t want to put the 3 kids through what my oldest has gone through. It’s very tough knowing she is so confused and lost and I can’t help to bring her back to reality; she is letting so many other “outside influences” cloud her judgment.

    Is there anyway for me to show the true man I am without coming off as pushing? I guess thats my biggest problem I want/need to show her the true man I am and that we still have this great strong connection to build on top of but everything I seem to do comes off as pushing and thats honestly the last thing I want to do. Any advice would be most appreciated. Thank you for all your words and work on this story it really does give hope.

  17. markos from United States says:

    When someone says “I love you but I’m not in love with you,” they are usually having an affair. Even if they are not, the solution is to restore the feelings of love. These feelings don’t just “come and go.” They come in certain circumstances, and they go in other circumstances. A marriage needs to be lived in such a way that the circumstances produce the feeling of love. That’s quite easy to maintain after the right habits have been learned.

    I don’t think that the person who is out of love should be belittled or told that they are being nonsensical, or be guilted into staying married – not when it is so easy to recreate the feelings of romantic love! If there is an affair, that absolutely HAS to be ended in order to recreate the feelings of romantic love, but creating the feeling of love is a well-understood and defined, scientific process.

    I disagree with calling people’s feelings “nonsensical.” That is disrespectful. When people who are married make disrespectful judgments about each other’s feelings like that, that is one of the things that results in the loss of the feeling of romantic love. If you are married and reading this article, it would be best not to take such a sentence back to your spouse, if you want to restore that feeling.

    • Broken from United States says:

      My husband just told me that the other night. I have a strong feeling he’s having an affair. He’s in the military and got deployed a few years ago. Back then, he already told me he wants a divorce but I begged him to go to counseling with me. I begged him because our child was still so young then. My husband went to counseling with me. Those were dark times but we went and worked on our marriage. I felt we’ve come a long way and then, two years ago, he started getting “restless” again. Then instead of taking us with him when he got an assignment out of the country, he refused, saying he didn’t want our child’s education disrupted. So we stayed here in the U.S. He returned here last week. He just told me he wants us finished. Now. Now I know how it feels to be in an ocean of pain. I can’t sleep, and feeling so weak. Help me o God!

  18. Frank from United States says:

    I gotta say, I was just sitting around and googled this phrase, “How to tell you are not in love anymore?” I have been with a woman for 2 1/2 years now. We both had just gone through some pretty harsh marriages in which we both had spouses who had affairs on us and left us for those affairs. So we were pretty broken. I never had Christ in my life, but He found me as a result of my trial. She always had Christ in her life and leaned on Him often.

    She was a nursing student and had two teenaged kids, while I was retired and had, at the time, a 5 yr. old from my previous marriage. We started going out and things of course were great. She motivated me to go to law school and so we were both going to school. But I noticed that in her last semester of nursing school, she became very hostile at everyone, including me. She was quick triggered and just yelling all the time. I would in turn, turn up the words and we would argue, often times about dumb stuff that had no winners. She would bring up past issues, I would bring up past issues and ultimately, it would end with a so let’s just break it off. Things would go good for a week or so, then an argument would occur again.

    Well, this week is her final week of school. She sent one of her kids away for the week so she can rest and study. I’m studying myself making every excuse to stay away from her, and luckily, she is interning at night so we don’t have to see her in the day because she is sleeping. I’m just tired. I feel like I don’t need a woman who is going to love me like this. I do see myself as giving “CONDITIONAL” love however, but I just can’t help it. I just don’t want to be yelled at, disrespected, and then contributing in an argument where I say things that I can’t take back. I came from a relationship like that, why would I want to go back to it?

  19. Dude from Canada says:

    I hear you Elisabeth. I’ve been trying to feel something for 5 years of a 6 year marriage and am contemplating throwing in the towel.

    I was never in love but liked her companionship and good-hearted nature. I met her while working in Asia and everything was exiting, novel and exotic. I actually thought if we treated each other well I would fall in love with her later. Now we’re so far apart on intimacy, (nothing in 5 years) I’m dying inside for a connection to someone. When I bring this up she says we’ll be old soon and then it won’t matter.

    I love her dearly as a friend or sister and can’t bear to hurt her. But I can’t go on. I’m grateful we have no children.

  20. Dude from Canada says:

    I’ve been trying to feel something for 6 years of a 6 year marriage and am contemplating throwing in the towel. I’m not having an affair but I’m sure beginning to notice other women. I will not do anything because I’ve been on the other side.

    I was never in love but liked her companionship and good-hearted nature. I was single for 11 years before meeting her and very lonely. I met her while working in Asia and everything was exiting, novel and exotic. I actually thought if we treated each other well I would fall in love with her later. Now we’re so far apart on intimacy, (nothing in 5 years) I’m dying inside for a connection to someone. When I bring this up she says we’ll be old soon and then it won’t matter.

    We treat each other very well and lovingly but share no interests or even have interesting conversations. I love her dearly as a friend or sister and can’t bear to hurt her. I’m thinking I made a huge mistake in marrying. But how long do I need to stay at this? I’m grateful we have no children.

  21. Dawn from United States says:

    Hi, My husband says “I love you but I’m not in love with you.” I’m devastated. I will do whatever it takes to keep our family together but he said his mind is leading towards splitting up. I don’t know what to do or say. I’ve been devoted to him in ups and downs and all arounds for 17 years, 12 of which married. He is already acting single. I found a certain something in his wallet. I’m devastated. I don’t want a divorce. I truly love him and our family. We have a 6 and 8 yr old. Please, if you can pray for us, I would be grateful. I pray everyday that he can let me in to his heart again. Feeling lonely and left behind, and unworthy, is how I feel. Any advice would help. Thank you. God bless, Dawn Marie

  22. Don from United States says:

    My wife has told me the same old I love you but not in love with you. She talks to strange guys online and tells them she is 43 when in fact she is 59. It hurts me that she would disrespect me this way and it breaks my heart after 24 years together. My life is a living hell right now as I am also taking care of my elderly father who is slowly dying of heart disease. I feel as I am hanging on by a thread but I start a new group at church this Sunday called starting point. I asked my wife to come to church and she went once but said it was not for her. Please someone, say a prayer for me to help me get through all of this.

  23. Mary from United States says:

    Thank you so for this heart felt article. Please, please continue with the work of saving marriages. I believe this is the season to truly put marriages back to the original purpose as God intended. I feel this world need a prayer crusade for broken marriages that are in this very fragile season. Thanks.

    • Cindy Wright from United States says:

      Bless your heart Mary. Thank you for your kind and supportive words. May we join together in helping those who need it, as God leads.

  24. Sonia from United States says:

    Thank you for this article was helpful. God bless

  25. Susan from United Kingdom says:

    Could you please offer me some advice on how to arrange a meeting with my husband during our separation to discuss boundaries for said separation?

    To give some background, my husband left the our home last week telling me he was not in love with me anymore and hasnt been happy for some time. This was a shock to me and I of course broke down and begged him to stay etc etc…But I now see that in doing so this will push him further away. He agreed to a meeting last week to discuss things and I then agreed to a separation but not divorce (which is what I think he wanted originally) I told him I will take this time to work on myself, gather support around me (I am from NZ and have no family and not many friends here) and get on with university. He was teary and told me I was brave, but this didn’t change the way he felt.

    There was an incident a few months ago where I found him to be emotionally investing in another woman. He assured me this was nothing more but I was very hurt. We agreed to work things through. But it is only now that he has gone that I realise I didnt take this to be what it meant…that I wasnt listening to him properly and giving him what he needed emotionally. My trust for him also took a big knock but as I mentioned I thought we had committed to working on this and saving our marriage.

    I feel we need to set some boundaries for our separation such as time frame and if we will remain faithful. Please could you offer me some advice on how to arrange a meeting (which I will keep light and friendly and try to remind him of the good times in our marriage) and how to bring up the subject of boundaries in this delicate situation, without pushing him further away. I miss him terribly and really want the best chance of making this work and for him to realise our marriage IS worth saving.

    TIA!! Susan

  26. Cho from United States says:

    Hi, I read this whole article and you gave some good points. It opened my eyes of what I’ve done to make it come to this. We’re a young couple and the other spouse is going through this. If you’re other spouse who really wants to leave and won’t work things out, even if you didn’t know they were going through a phase of, “I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore.” Until later, when they want to leave and finally tell you.

    It hurt because it was so sudden. I pray to God, “Will I ever get a chance to fix things?” “Is there anything I could do to work it out?” Etc. I just felt like what I pray comes back to bite me back hard. The point is, should I let my other half go and and see how it is living life not seeing both of them or keep trying to work around the other half “LOVE”?

  27. Perla from Philippines says:

    Thank you for this site it helps me to realize that no matter what, never give up. There is no perfect marriage. The important thing is always to put God in the center of the relationship, to make it stronger. Follow God. Thank you. God bless all.

  28. Brent from United States says:

    Thank you for this article. I needed to hear this message today. My wife and I have been together for 20 years (5 dating, 15 married). We have two young children. She has a very demanding job as a public school principal, and I run my family’s small business. We are both leaders at our church, and are very involved in lots of things. In short, we are very busy.

    I felt as though my wife had become distant recently, and I told her about my feelings. Mainly, I was missing sexual intimacy, because despite being very happy in this area of our lives, we hadn’t come together like that in well over a month. Then she explained to me that she didn’t know how she felt about me anymore. She loved me, cared about me, hated that she was hurting me…she didn’t want out. She loves our kids. She was just confused. She’s still attracted to me. She swears that there is no one else, and I believe her. She told me that I was a “great” father and husband, and I have done nothing to make her feel this way.

    I’ve prayed and cried and prayed and cried all week. The hurt is so real. I needed a good Christian viewpoint from someone who has gone through this and come out new on the other side. I feel like there is no end in sight, and while God doesn’t promise me this will be easy, he will support me and my family during this time of questions. Thank you, and God bless you for your testimony.

  29. Jason from United States says:

    My spouse told me yesterday that she hasn’t been in love with me for over 2 years. We’ve been married for 6 years. This broke my heart and I took it out on myself since I would be the reason she fell out. I’ve been trying my hardest to better our lives as we’re financially stuggling and we have a 4 month old daughter. I used to be a cutter about ten years ago and that’s the first thing I feel back on. I IMMEDIATELY took a razer blade to to my arms and legs. I feel like a wreck and a failure because it’s my fault she no longer is in love with me.

  30. Radebe South Africa from South Africa says:

    Thank you for this.

  31. MC from Jamaica says:

    You’ve spoken about you being the one to say you’re out of love. Maybe it’s me, but I don’t feel like my husband is in love with me. I’m tired of fighting. My husband doesn’t want to have sex anymore. He says that it’s chiding. All he wants to do is play computer games. He makes me feel stupid to ask and often rejects me. I feel like I’m a bother; he’s always in a fowl mood. I feel like I’m pushing myself on him.

  32. Don from United States says:

    I have been with my wife over 25 years and she has told me the old I love you but I am not in love you! Then she started to treat me badly! I am really hurt that someone I have been faithful to and done so much for would turn against me this way! I keep asking God why this is happening? I am tired out emotionally and am wanting to run from her and never look back! The emotional pain is tremendous and I do not know if I can ever trust another woman again.

    I have begun to go back to church looking for peace and still cannot find any. I am lucky to have my 2 dogs and my faith that will help me get through this! I keep asking myself how someone I have loved so long can be so cold towards me?

  33. Darrell from United States says:

    Two and a half years ago my wife uttered those horrific words, I don’t love you like I used to. Our mutual friends were all in shock, OMG, every woman in the world wanted to be her. She lived in a million dollar home, drove a new Mercedes, controlled the checkbook, had a very attractive, loving, generous, romantic, and passionate husband. I adored the ground she walked on, who gave him 3 beautiful children, but??? Two and a half years goes by, Darrell finds or another found him, the perfect potential new wife, but Miss Cindy now wants to re-connect.

    I love my new friend, but I still love my wife, is that possible? They are both beauties, same age 58, bright, articulate, I could go on for hours about each, but one thing is missing, is that even though she’s Italian, can’t get the intimacy and passion restored, which was missing for 15 of the 28 years that we spent together. I going to break a heart, but I’m not sure who’s??? For what it’s worth :(

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