Marriage Missions International

INFIDELITY: My Husband Won’t Go With Me to a Counselor

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Perhaps one of the most painful things that could ever occur in a marriage is when one spouse betrays the other by committing adultery. We often sugar-coat it by calling it “having an affair” or “having a fling” or “having a one-night stand that means nothing significant” to the person who committed it against the other spouse.

But no matter what you call it, it comes down to one spouse absolutely ripping the emotional heart out of the other spouse, destroying the faith, hope, trust, and security they once felt they had with the other one they thought was supposed to be their partner —their “soul-mate” for life. To minimize the pain involved is totally dishonoring and shameful.

Here at Marriage Missions we receive an enormous amount of e-mails on this very heart-breaking occurrence. And although we have had some men contact us that their wives have done this against them, the vast majority of them have been from women. These are women who are crying out for someone —anyone to help them experience any type of healing touch or any type of practical advice to help get them through this terribly traumatic time.

How much we would love to take this pain away from those who write! How very much we want to bind up their wounds and help them to begin to experience healing —if only! But we can only do what God gives us the calling and the ability to do. Steve and I aren’t marriage counselors —we’re marriage educators. We do what we can as God leads and empowers us.

God has given other people the ability to help them in other ways. We’ve come to know that He is ultimately the Wonderful Counselor and the Great Physician who is able to do all things abundantly beyond all that we ask or think. So to Him we bow and put our trust, that He will individually minister to those who reach out to us for help.

The following thoughts came to me as we received a letter from a grieving wife whose husband committed adultery and then minimized the pain by ignoring the enormity of hurt his wife was experiencing. She asks the question,

“What do I do after he’s done this to me and has told me to forget it? He won’t go for counseling and doesn’t want to speak about it. He said the past is the past. And yet I feel like I am stuck suffering this all by myself.”

It’s amazing the amount of letters we get that say similar things. The following is what I wrote that I pray in some way will help those of you who can identify with this woman’s plea for help:

Let me say at the outset how very sad I am for you that you’ve had to endure this pain. As a woman I can only imagine how deeply you must be hurting over this. God never intended this type of pain to enter a marriage. Marriage is meant to give us a sense of love and belonging as we entrust ourselves to each other with the guidance, grace, and leading of the Lord, to help us minister to each other’s needs. I’m so very sorry for sorrow you must be experiencing.

You asked about what to do if your husband won’t go for counseling even though he’s the one who committed adultery. If it were me I would run, walk, or crawl to get good Godly counseling on my own even if my husband wouldn’t go for it. There isn’t a door I wouldn’t open to get the help needed to get past this horrific emotional and spiritual injury. It’s terribly grievous that your husband won’t consider AT THIS TIME to go together with you, to get help from someone who is impartial, who can help you both work through this painful time in your lives together.

However, don’t rule out that he might reconsider his stand in the future. Your counselor may be able to eventually give you the right words and the right way to approach him so he would be open to it at another time. Your husband obviously doesn’t understand the depth of the injury he’s inflicted upon your spirit and upon your trust level.

Tragically, his level of understanding doesn’t seem to be something you can bridge right now. So just leave it at that. For right now YOU need to get the help that is needed. You can deal with this when you are stronger to do so.

There will be a time to deal with your spouse to come to a better understanding of what it takes to bring healing into a situation but I don’t believe that this is it —just yet. Go by yourself if you have to, with a wide open spirit. Right now it’s up to you to go for the help that is needed and let God deal with your husband.

You need to realize through all of this that as a wife you have been severely emotionally injured. And for that reason you need someone who can help you work through that injury in a way that can bring healing to your heart. You also need good counsel to help you put things into place so this type of thing doesn’t occur again in the future.

I hope that you will read everything on our web site that you can on this subject. If you use the search engine on the Home Page and put the word affair into it and hit Search you’ll have a lot of options that will come up for you to read. You might also want to read what we have concerning Marriage Counseling, so you can better seek what you need.

We also have other web sites listed on ours that can also help you in your quest and resources we recommend that could help you as well.

I pray you will become a student of this subject. “Seek, knock, and open” every door you can to find the help that is available so this doesn’t completely envelop and crush your spirit for the rest of your life.

Now that this has happened in your marriage you need to deal with it. It won’t go away. It’s not just your husband’s problem, it’s now yours too.

This has been thrust upon you so you need to learn how to work through this so you’re able to deal with it in ways that are healthy and won’t allow bitterness to take deep root into your spirit. If you allow bitterness to take hold you’ll continue to be injured over and over again by this for the rest of your life —not to mention the pain that others who know you will somehow experience because whether we acknowledge it or not we aren’t alone in this. We aren’t an “island unto ourselves.”

We have a lot of articles on our web site that deal with bitterness and forgiveness. I highly recommend that you prayerfully read them, asking God to help you to come to the place that you can live without being bitter.

That which hurts us inevitably finds a way of hurting others for generations to come if it’s not dealt with in a way that can bring good out of evil. God can redeem that which is used by the enemy of our faith to harm us. Just like it was with Joseph in the Bible who had others who hurt him, he was able to come to a place where he recognized that God was able to turn that which was evil into good to help not only him but many others. (See Genesis 50:19-20).

But sometimes you need additional help by professionals to work through it. This is a very complicated fallen world that we live in which sometimes needs more sophisticated ways of dealing with all that comes our way. Pray about what you ultimately need in obtaining help to get past this.

Is this fair that you’re the one who has to seek the counsel alone when this has been inflicted upon you by your spouse? No! It most definitely is not! And it’s especially unfair that your husband doesn’t see this. But nothing this side of heaven is fair. We have to deal with that which comes into our lives and this is one of those horrific events that has to be dealt with. I pray you’ll get the help that you need. The Lord wants to comfort and work with you on this. Please allow Him to do it through others that He wants to use for this purpose.

A couple of articles posted on the Beyond Affairs web site may be beneficial for you to prayerfully read through as well, since you are sensing resistance from your spouse in helping you to heal.  To do so, please click onto the following:

What If My Unfaithful Spouse Refuses to Do Their Part in the Healing?

What If My Spouse Won’t Discuss the Affair?

I’ve seen marriages completely turn around for the good, stronger than ever before, which have experienced the type of betrayal that you are living through. My own parent’s marriage is one of them. But without some outside help there may be deeper scarring that may occur which could cause the healing process to take longer and be more painful than it needs to be.

It’s kind of like performing surgery on yourself by trying to figure your own way of doing it rather than going to a skilled surgeon to help when you so desperately need the help. As much as it hurts when a surgeon does it, it can hurt much more when we try to do it on our own.

There are some things that happen to us in life that takes more expertise in dealing with than we have the ability to handle on our own. Just make sure that you go to someone who will invest themselves in trying to help you deal with this in a godly, scripturally sound way who is pro-marriage —not just neutral

Sometimes what appears to be an easier route for us to take really isn’t the best. The Bible tells us, “Everything is permissible —but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible—but not everything is constructive. Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others (1 Corinthians 10:23-24).

There are a lot of counselors —even Christians, who have the “bail out” mentality when the “mountain may appear to be too difficult to climb.” A good godly counselor truly knows the difference. They know that God can steer you over mountains that appear impossible if you have the tenacity and determination to put your hand into His and trust Him to give you the resources within and without to endure what you need to so that you come out on the other side with a testimony on your lips of the sovereignty and sufficiency of His grace and power.

The Bible (in 2 Corinthians 4) says, For God, who said, ‘Let light shine out of darkness,’ made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ.I pray that God will shine His light upon you during this dark time in your life.

I also pray that you will find the strength that the apostle Paul was able to draw from in Christ (as the scriptures go on to say in that same chapter) when he said, But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; struck down, but not destroyed.

He drew his strength from the Lord and that is my prayer for you —that you will eventually (with a lot of help both from God and from others) be able to turn your focus off of your pain and onto that which Christ will use to bring healing and wholeness out of the suffering and brokenness that you are experiencing.

You may say that you can’t afford a counselor. I’ve heard that so many times in so many ways. I’ve even said it so many times myself —to my shame. But I’ve learned so much by observing life through my own experiences and the experiences of others. I’ve learned that it’s not just what you’ve lived through that’s as important as what you grow through.

I’ve learned that as costly as professional counseling may get, it’s less costly than all of the hidden costs of divorce. It’s less costly than the bitterness that’s able to take root upon your heart and your spirit when you don’t work through painful experiences like this taking full advantage of the help someone else “with skin on” can give you. The Bible says, Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many (Hebrews 12:14).

God said in the beginning that it’s not good for man to be alone. And yet from the beginning God was with man. How can that be discounted? It can’t be. God created us to be in fellowship not only with Him but also with other human beings. It’s a need within us that is ultimately filled with both a vertical as well as horizontal relationships. Sometimes God uses our spouse (which obviously isn’t the case in this incident because your spouse isn’t open to being used in this way at this point) and sometimes He uses others who He has appointed for your good.

At this point I truly believe that what you are experiencing needs the help of God through “others” such as someone who is more knowledgeable with this area of living to walk along side you in this very difficult journey. The cost may be high but not as high as it will be if you don’t take hold of this type of professional help.

I hope you know of a counselor or pastor who can be lead of God to walk you through this difficult situation. But if you don’t know of someone the ministry of Focus on the Family is wonderful in referring people, here in the continental United States, to guide you in getting help such as you would need. They’re a very helpful and compassionate ministry that has so many ways of helping people. You can contact them by calling 1-800-232-6459 or on their web site at Focusonthefamily.com.

I truly pray that you will reach out for this help without delay. You have been injured deeply enough already. I pray you won’t prolong the pain that you’re already experiencing by waiting. Sometimes by delaying we make the recovery experience more difficult because the injury is able to deepen so that what it takes to get on the other side of healing becomes more painful and difficult.

For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge —that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen(Ephesians 3:14-21).

The above article was written by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions.

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Comments

16 Responses to “INFIDELITY: My Husband Won’t Go With Me to a Counselor”
  1. Mary says:

    (ZAMBIA)  I have just read this article today. Things have been bad in my marriage. I have asked my husband to go to counselling with me. He did the two times we had the Pastor come over to our place. Now he totally refuses. And tells me time would heal all wounds.

    This article has made me realise that I can just go to a female counselor all by myself. I had lost all hope and the ‘divorce’ word has just been coming out of my lips each time I differ with my husband.

    Thank you for this article, Cindy. I really want to heal from this pain of infidelity and I will go ahead and do it without him.

  2. Cathy says:

    (UNITED STATES)  My husband’s infidelity came to light two weeks ago. We have two small children, ages 7 and 1. This has totally devastated me, but my 7 yr old is a wreck. He’s going to begin counseling tomorrow. I’m desperate to get my family back together. Up until I found out about the affair, I thought I was a happily married woman. How wrong can one person be? I pray for God’s strength in my life every day. If my husband is unwilling to give up on the 10-month affair, I’m going to need every ounce of strength I have to be there for my family and to go on without him. How does a man get to the point in his life where he’s willing to give up a family that adores him?

  3. Tony says:

    (USA) Why “just husbands who won’t go?” It’s been my experience that women are just as reluctant to go to counseling when invited by their husbands.

    Since women file 2/3’rds to 3/4’s of all divorces, but are not any more sinful than men last time I checked the scripture, I fail to see how one could support an article that focuses on just unfaithful and reluctant men.

    So unless men are having affairs with other men, adultery is pretty evenly represented by both genders.

    Seems to me, women are ending far more marriages and closing their hearts to their husbands in far greater numbers than the other way around.

    So while the greatest number of e-mails might be from women, the court stats indicate a much larger number of men are faced with a wife who wants to unilaterally end her marriage, who doesn’t want to go to counseling, etc.

    So for every woman who writes, there are like 3 or 4 men who are in a similar position. Most likely they are in a marriage where there is NO abuse or adultery, but the wife has closed her heart and will not enter counseling or worse, thinks her affair is the right answer, driven by feelings instead of scripture.

    So while the calls and e-mails may not be there, the divorce stats tell a far different story.

  4. Leigh says:

    (USA)  My husband has cheated on me numerous times and refuses to go to counseling. HE ALSO ABUSES ME. He accuses me of stuff he is actually the one doing. I have never cheated on him. I love him! We have a one year old daughter and now he is talking divorce, saying he is not in love with me. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m dying inside. IM LOST. Please, I pray you find a way so maybe I can too. Lots of love! Bless you! It’s not your fault!

    • LostMySoul says:

      (USA)  LEIGH – I hear you honey. If you come back here to read and I pray you do… I AM LOST TOO! I am experiencing the very same thing but our children are teens and adults. I’ve been trying for almost 2 years to work through this. It’s still very painful. My husband abuses me. I tell him the same as you, that he treats me as if I’m the one who cheated. Upon me he has misplaced rage, anger and very abusive treatment emotionally, spiritually and a couple of times physically. This from what I’d known for 18 years, for him to be a kind, gentle soul who never laid a hand on me or raged at me. Never once (GOD knows it’s true), demeaning or degrading me. But since his disclosure of the affair & addiction to strippers, he’s been the one lashing out violently.

      You are not alone Leigh honey. I love you sister! God loves you more than you will ever imagine. Leigh, you are not alone. You were created to be loved by God through him, in him, with him.

      I agree with some parts of this article, especially the counselors who are of the nature that it’s time to head down that path so there’s closure. I’d ask but it’s MORE painful for me and my children to live a life of divorce. While in God’s eyes and my pastor’s eyes, you have the right to leave your husband under these circumstances and ‘crimes’ against the marriage (affair and abuse), that does not mean GOD cannot change his heart and his ways.

      While I know my husband is raging and has misdirected anger that probably belongs on himself, not me (called projecting), I also know the kind gentle soul that lived in him for most of our life (prior to the affair) together. God can restore and heal everyone.

      Leigh, take care of yourself first and foremost. WHEN you’re strong, confident and know your self-worth and that you feel God’s love working through your life, then you can make a clear decision on how to proceed.

      While I’d normally suggest it to your husband given the circumstances, I suggest this to you. Buy Fireproof the movie and books. Work through those. If you want him back, knowing you can forgive him (at some point, doesn’t have to be right now) but know you’re capable of forgiveness for YOU and him and love your husband, then quietly work on yourself and privately work the Fireproof The Love Dare.

      I have a feeling your husband may not love himself but is using that emotion to project on to you. I have a feeling he may not own his actions nor is being accountable and is finding ways to divert his emotions, telling himself he doesn’t love you. That’s the easy, irresponsible way out of a marriage.

      No one will promise you an easy beautiful fairy tale life in marriage. Not one exists to my knowledge. But GOD promises he’s there always and forever and creates miracles everyday. Believe in yourself. Believe in love and God’s power to heal.

      It’s what has gotten me through the past 2 years and I have not given up. Giving up is too easy, yet so much more painful for everyone. In the end, there is no winner when there’s divorce and so much pain and wounds.

      Bless you Leigh. I hope to come back and find you are still working to find ways out of being so LOST. LOVE & PRAYERS SISTER!!

  5. Elizabeth says:

    (UNITED STATES)  I can truly understand. My husband also had an affair 12 years ago. I have forgiven him, but he refuses to go to counseling. I even paid & had to get the refund back. But after reading this article I am definately going by myself. I need to heal from the alienation, moving out of the bedroom, now wanting a divorce & is willing to let the kids know that what he wants I will never allow. Cutting me off, even when I am being respectful. Claims that he is not getting any sex.

    Just imagine how it could be if he decided to go. I am however, saying that we cannot allow the enemy to come in & destroy our marriages. It is his sole purpose. We need to heal, forgive & do whatever it takes to work it out. I know it’s not easy. I am going thru hell right now, but I am in church with my teens every Sunday & Wednesday for Bible study and I also place my energies into things I want to do as far as my goals are concerned, keeping very busy & standing on the word of God. The devil will dance with us, only if we allow him to do so. Hope this article helps & is encouraging.

    • Sonja says:

      (US) Elizabeth, Your comments have been helpful. I am going through a type of hell right now and the devil is dancing with us. My husband has left me and says many things but his actions are different. I pray constantly asking God to take away the hurt. However, through your article it has helped me realize that I am not the only one. But I am not a fool for doing whatever it takes to work it out! I am a wife who loves her husband and her marriage. I am learning that constantly crying is not the answer either and that I must place it in God’s hands and work on myself. I am not going to allow the enemy to come in and destroy my marriage. You, plus these articles, and prayer are beginning to give me hope. And I pray for all the women who suffer from infidelity within their marriages! Prayers Changes Things!

  6. Cheryl says:

    (UNITED STATES)  I too just recently found out that my husband was having an affair…how? I caught them. My husband was having an affair with my best friend. Somehow, I wonder if that makes it worse. Because he has told me about every “time” and why he thought it happened. Now I sit and think about the things that we did and how I trusted not only my husband but my best friend to be alone together.

    I know counseling is the best idea, but I cant seem to make myself go, and yes he is absolutely against it. He says that by being open about the affair that it will make it easier for us to work through it. I do want to work through it and I do love him very much, I just wonder if perhaps we are being too open. I mean do most women whose husband has had an affair feel like being open is the best option? Is he telling me the details (not super detailed but when where and where I was) to push me away?

    • Monique says:

      (SOUTH AFRICA) Cheryl, I was also wondering why we are told the details. We are much better off knowing nothing. For the more we know, the more our minds get crazy about it. I agree with you that they try to push us further away by telling us all we do not need to know. I know this is how my husband tried to get me angry and he even said that he wanted me to be angry with him because then he has a “reason” for committing adultery.

  7. Decee says:

    (USA) This not the first time that my husband has cheated. He also did it 19 yrs ago. He refused therapy and I didn’t pursue it either. We worked through it and he made many promises, that he didn’t keep. We’ve been together for 38 yrs. He came and told me he wanted to separate and gave many reasons for this. The main reason was he said we had not been intimate for two weeks and he could not except that. He said I’m not doing you! This rings in my ears constantly.

    A couple of days later after an intense argument he came back and said he wasn’t going anywhere –this is his family. Then he tells me he has a bed and he has a place, but he’s going to stay here and there. I rarely see or talk with my husband anymore. He comes before work, takes a bath, and put on his work clothes. He may come home after work, do things around the house for a couple of hours, then he’s gone until the next a.m. between 4:45 am and 6 am prior to leaving for work. We’re usely sleep.

    The infomation from this site has been informative. I will seek out couseling for myself and family. I wanted to try and put my marriage back together. I’m at the point now that I just want to separate completely from my husband and heal my heart. I know that God can heal and bring hearts back together. I just want out for now and if somehow we make it back to one another; it will be God’s divine intervention. I love my husband with all my heart. I just don’t trust him with my heart anymore. I feel like he’s out enjoying his life with whomever and I’m suppose to stay and make sure that everything is intact a home.

    • HDW says:

      (USA) Your husband is being neglectful at a minimum and most likely having an affair. You need to find out who he is having the affair with and EXPOSE it to your children, family and the other woman’s family. Is it a workplace affair?

      You need to enter into what Dr Harley of Marriage Builders refers to as “Plan A” for 4 weeks. Try to meet as many of your husbands emotional needs as possible while avoids angry outbursts or disrespectful judgements. If he refuses to end the affair after exposure and 4 weeks of plan A then you should separate from your husband. This is called “Plan B” and during this time you will have no direct contact with your husband.

      I encourage you to read Surviving an Affair by Dr Bill Harley ASAP. Visit marriagebuilders.com for more information.

      You need to act now. As for counseling, they have terrible (around 17%) success rates and DO NOT know how to deal with an active affair.

  8. Elaine says:

    (UNITED STATES) I found out my husband was cheating online three years ago and it devastated me. He said it was just a game and he meant none of what he said to these women and it was no big deal. He said he would stop. Two years later I discovered he was still doing it and this time with even more women. He said he never met any of them, but the conversations were very intimate and sensual. It made me physically ill to read what he wrote to these women, things he would not say to me even when I told him what I needed to hear from him. He was very upset –very angry and aggressive.

    Now, he’s telling me he loves and needs ME and no one else. And that I am the only woman he has ever loved and all that other stuff means nothing. I don’t believe him because he was treating me very badly while he was doing this online. Now he can’t do enough for me, and it means nothing because I feel like the only reason he’s doing it is because of guilt he feels for what he has done to our marriage because he KNOWS I have been a very devoted and faithful wife throughout our marriage. And let me add, he is my first and has always been my only love.

    So now I am faced with this big world of uncertainty because he chose to sacrifice me for other women. He shut me out and brought them in. But he says he did nothing wrong and I just need to get over it and let it go. He tells me divorce or counseling is not an option for him. I told him I am getting a divorce if he doesn’t go to counseling or at least try things that will bring us closer (he doesn’t even want to plan any together time for getting closer).

    I’m standing my ground and it looks like divorce is the only option. It hurts to know that he would do all he did to protect the world he had with these women and would do nothing to protect me from all the pain he has caused me; and to add insult to injury, he won’t do what it takes to help me get through the pain he has brought into my world.

    • Cindy Wright says:

      Elaine, First off, let me express my sorrow for you. Infidelity (whether on line or in person) rips at the heart of the other spouse. I’m so sorry you find yourself in this place. What your husband did was out and out wrong. I can well understand why you would want to leave your marriage, after all, your husband did just that in another way –emotionally. He broke covenant with you in the ways he “played games” –unfaithful ones, with other women.

      But as I was reading your comment a few thoughts came to mind I hope you will prayerfully consider. Your husband may be truthful in seeing your value to him, now that his secret online emotional affairs have been revealed. Sometimes a wake up call occurs when we’ve been caught doing something we shouldn’t. When it all hits the fan, sometimes the offending spouse will suddenly see things clearer than ever before. I’m not sure if this has happened with your husband or not. He obviously took your love and your marriage relationship for granted. He flirted with that which was tempting and now it’s all out in the open. But please don’t rule out the possibility that his eyes may have opened through this whole ordeal (which he created), and that he truly DOES see how much he loves and needs you. The things he is trying to do for you now, MAY be sincere. Please consider that and pray about it. Pray about it with an open heart.

      However, what your husband does now, will prove if his feelings match up with his words. Doing things for you is nice, but that’s not enough to mend your broken heart. He seems to think it should be, but it is NOT. If he is sincere about loving and needing you, he won’t risk losing you by standing his ground on not going in for counseling. He has to be willing to step outside of his comfort zone (because he sure dragged you outside of yours) and do what it takes to fix what was obviously broken in your marriage and work with you, with outside counsel, so this type of thing doesn’t happen again. Words are cheap. Actions are needed, as well.

      We have a lot of articles and quotes and links on this web site that could help you and help him. Two articles for you to read are found under different topics. One is found in the “Surviving Infidelity” topic and is titled, “Strategies for Surviving Infidelity.” Even though your husband doesn’t acknowledge this as infidelity and has compartmentalized it in his mind to think it ISN’T adultery. In your view (and mine) it is. In that article it explains how you feel as if you have been stabbed in the heart and what it will take to recover from this. Also, in the “Pornography and Cybersex” topic, there is an article titled, “Is Flirting on the Internet Considered Cheating?” I believe these articles could help in some way.

      If your husband won’t go in for counseling with you and work on other ways to protect your marriage and rebuild it — showing he indeed, is truly sorry for the pain he has caused you, then the next step would be separation. Please don’t jump into divorce. Show him you are standing your ground on insisting he helps you to heal and helps your marriage –to build it TOGETHER. If he isn’t willing to go the extra mile to save your marriage, he is still full of himself and is crowding you out of the marriage. But proceed slower, rather than rushing. It may give you both time to sort out all of this. And he needs to “get it” big time, in order for there to be any chance of saving this marriage. Again Elaine, my heart goes out to you. I hope that somehow you are able to heal and find your smile eventually. I pray for wisdom and grace for you and that the eyes of his heart will be opened to see Truth.

  9. Michelle says:

    (CANADA) My husband has always been a very loving and attentive man throughout most of our relationship. We have been together for about a total of 7 years and married for 3 years. However, in the last several years he had started to pull away from me and hardly ever wanted to be intimate with me (this was very unusal because my husband and I were both in our late twenties). I pleaded with him many many times to get help and either go into counseling or to go and see a doctor in case there was something that was physically wrong with him but he always refused and would tell me that he would be able to get it (sexual feelings) back on his own. He believed that it was because he had gained some extra weight and therefore did not feel comfortable with the way that he looked.

    At this time I started to feel very resentful and hurt because he was not doing anything to fix the problems that he was having. I never stopped loving my husband during this difficult time; I always told him that I would stand by him and be there to help in anyway possible. I understood that what he was going through must have been quite difficult and a shameful thing for him especially since he is a man.

    Finally a few years back I made an appointment for him to have a full physical done at the doctor’s office. He actually went! The test results all showed that he was a normal, healthy man except some of the tests showed that his Testosterone levels were a little bit low but the doctor told him that it was not at a level where it should be affecting him this much. The doctor then put him on a Testosterone pill in order to up his levels; however about a week or so of taking it my husband started to have some side effects and he stopped taking it. At this time once again I pleaded with my husband to go back to the doctor to see what else can be done but he never went back and has not since to this day.

    Earlier this year my husband told me that he had been texting another female Co-Worker from his workplace for about two and a half months. He told me that she was just a friend that he was confiding in and she was confiding in him about her own problems with her boyfriend. My husband told me that he did not “allow” or “let” himself have any feelings for her and that she was someone who was there to listen to him. My husband also told me that her boyfriend had found their text messages and had got a hold of my husband and threatened to expose their “affair” to me. I at this point wondered if he would have told me anything about the text messages if it had not got to the point where this other girl’s boyfriend was threatening to come and talk to me.

    I told my husband that what he was doing was cheating on me emotionally. My husband did not think it was cheating since nothing physical had taken place between himself and this woman (at least according to him). At this time I told my husband that if he ever wanted to save our marriage then he had to stop texting this other woman. He agreed to speak to her and tell her that they could not be confiding in each other about their problems. I wanted to speak to this other woman but he thought that it would complicate things even more at his workplace since he works with this other woman. He spoke with her and told me everything that was discussed and according to my husband this other woman understood that they could not text each other anymore and had also said to say “sorry” to me since she never meant for it to get to this point.

    A few months after this I was on my husband’s computer and found that he had been visiting porn websites behind my back. The heartbreak and betrayal seemed to happen all over again for me. I confronted him about it and at first he denied it and then admitted it and said he would not do it again. At this time I insisted that he go and speak to a Pastor at my church (which he did).

    After he came back from having seen the Pastor at church for counseling my husband broke down and cried and told me the following: he said that for the last few years he had been trying very hard to surpress some of what he was feeling (because he was terrified to lose me and because he loved me) and figured that the way he was feeling would get better on its own but it had not. He told me at this time that he feels that his love for me had changed and that he did not think that he had the kind of feelings that a husband should have for a wife. He told me that I was an amazing wife and a wonderful woman but he felt that he could not love me the way that I deserved to be loved. He said that because of how he was feeling that is why he had not been able to be intimate with me as much as he should have. At this time I pleaded with him again and told him that I was willing to work on our marriage and to go to counseling to see if we can help him to get those feelings back. However it seemed that he had already given up and figured that he would not be able to get those feelings for me back. He wasn’t willing to even try further counseling. I was heartbroken!

    Because I am a Christian woman (I got saved earlier in the year) I was going to do everything possible to fight for my marriage. I truly felt that this was a spiritual attack from the enemy; the enemy was twisting my husband’s thinking and his love for me to make him believe that the kind of love that he had to offer was not good enough. My husband is not a Christian and he did not come from a spiritual background so I felt it was much easier for the enemy to deceive him!

    I continued to spend the next few months praying and asking God to restore our marriage and to soften my husband’s heart toward our marriage and me. I started to see some positive signs in my husband the last several months. The word that I had received (from the Lord) these past few months in regards to what was happening to my husband was that he was being “covered” and “deceived”. I was thankful to God that my husband had not yet decided to walk out on me; he was still living in the same house with me and continued to be loving and tender towards me; but he also had many moments where he was cold to me also. I could see the conflict inside of him and saw that he was batteling with his feelings/emotions. He told me numerous times that he would love me forever and that I would always have a large part of his heart always since I was his first love.

    About two weeks ago while I was doing laundry I found a love letter (from this other woman) addressed to my husband in the pocket of his pants. The letter stated that she was in love with my husband, dreamed about him all the time, missed him all the time and was looking forward to spending the rest of her life with him and was hoping to have his children. I confronted my husband about it: he cried and told me that he had started going out for coffee with this other woman a few times in the last few months (times he had told me he had to work late; they would go for coffee). I asked him if he had slept with her; he told me that he had not ever touched her or kissed her and the only thing that he had done was hold her hand a few times. He told me that he did not love her and was not attracted to her.

    I asked him where she got the idea that she was going to spend the rest of her life with him. He told me that they’d never discussed any future plans. My husband said that he was going to destroy “the stupid” letter but had forgotten. At this time he also told me that he was not happy and felt that maybe we should seperate (not divorce) because he needed to figure out what he wanted for his life. He kept insisting that this other woman was not the “issue” since we had problems and fights before she ever came into the picture. He admitted that he had made some very bad decisions and never should have confided in this other woman. He proposed that we should sell our house and get our own places (since one of us could not afford the mortgage on the house alone and he did not want to move in with his parents; he wanted his own place). I told him that I think we should do everything possible to try to save our marriage but he does not want to go into counseling and wants to separate to figure things out on his own.

    Just a few days ago I was on his computer and found that he had been visiting porn websites again. When I confronted him about it he told me that “90% of the guys in the world looked at porn and it was not a big deal”. I asked him if he had been looking at porn for the last few years and he admitted that he had off and on over the last few years. At this time I wondered if his “issues” with intimacy with me had started because of what he was looking at on these porn websites. I feel maybe he is simply not able to connect with me (his wife) anymore because of his exposure to such content.

    I still have God’s heart for my husband and still love him very much. I know that this good and wonderful man that I fell in love with all those years ago is still in there somewhere but for whatever reason he has got so lost this past year. I don’t know what to do at this point: should I agree to the seperation or should I try to stay and make it work somehow? Please help me to figure this out; I love my husband so very much and I know that he has a lot of love for me also but for whatever reason that love that he feels for me has got him confused.

    • HDW says:

      (USA) I’m sorry for your pain. However, there is hope! But it requires action! The first thing you need to do is expose this affair to your children, family and friends. You also need to expose this affair to the other woman’s family and friends. Affairs thrive in fantasy and shadows. Many die after exposure. You should also visit an attorney to ensure that you are legally protected in case he leaves you.

      I strongly encourage you to read Surviving an Affair by Dr Bill Harley. You can visit Marriagebuilders.com for additional help from the MB Forum. Here is an article you may find helpful: “What to Do with an Unfaithful Husband” http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5032a_qa.html

  10. Christine says:

    (USA) My husband came to me out of the blue and asked for a divorce. Said he was 100% sure. A week later he started this new life hanging out with new coworkers. I found out that a month after asking for a divorce (and still living in our home) that he took a fellow coworker on an overnight trip and had an affair. He thinks it is okay since he asked for the divorce (we are still married of course!).

    He moved out a couple weeks after that at my strong request to stop parading his new date in front of me. He would never own up to it and kept lying when I asked him although I knew the details. Why would he lie to my face? It has been a month since he moved out and no contact from him (or me). It will be 3 months since he’s asked for the divorce and still no papers have been filed. I wonder if he is still with this girl?

    How will I know if he is just being lazy about the papers or not sure what to do? I am keeping my distance and not contacting him. Please pray for his heart to warm to God and for him to see that we could work on things. He said we weren’t compatible and he’s not in love with me anymore and that we fight too much. We’ve been together 10 years total. He went to 2 counselling sessions with me, said it was just for me and that he was 100% done. I am thinking this was because of the new girl.

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