Leaving Your Spouse Because Of Abuse

Pixabay key-949094_640The following article comes from the book, Beloved Unbeliever, which is written to women with spouses who are unbelievers. However, the principles outlined in this article, in reality, apply to every spouse in an abusive situation. So whether your spouse professes a relationship with Jesus Christ or not, please prayerfully read and consider what the author Jo Berry has to say, as it pertains to your marriage. (And then afterward, please read the linked article written by Leslie Vernick, which is an important one to consider.)

Jo Berry begins this portion of the book by citing the scriptures in 1 Corinthians 7:15 explaining that letting the spouse “leave” goes beyond physically leaving the marriage. As you read the article you’ll better understand what she means by this:

But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace.  (1 Corinthians 7:15)

Rather than demanding that an unequally yoked wife stay in a situation where she is abused, defamed, and oppressed; where she is tortured by the temptations that such mistreatment put in her path, our precious Lord gives her an option. He does this because, Just as a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him. For He Himself knows our frame; He is mindful that we are but dust (Psalm 103:13-14). He understands her humanity and takes pity on her.

LEAVING IS MORE THAN WALKING OUT THE DOOR
A Christian woman who is facing emotional or physical abuse needs to understand both the terminology and the implications in this verse, so she can act on it within the dictates of her own common sense and conscience. The word “leave,” as it is used in 1 Corinthians 7:15, means to depart or let go. While this most obviously refers to a physical separation, the concept of letting go embodies more than mere physical absence.

Since thought always precedes action, I believe we can assume that abuse and cruelty are outward manifestations reflecting a mental state of abandonment of the essence of the marriage. So, although Paul is dealing with physical separation, certainly there can also be a psychological severing, an emotional letting go, that is just as devastating and real as a mate’s actual departure.

Scripture does not deal specifically with this problem of abuse, but Christ’s attitude and certain biblical statements can help us draw conclusions about how to respond to it. The Gospels are saturated with statements about and examples of Jesus’ compassion. He was especially tender toward women and children. Think of how gently He approached the woman at the well; how respectful He was to the woman caught in adultery; how He met Mary’s needs by teaching her as she sat at His feet; how, during excruciating agony on the cross, He committed His mother to the care of His friend, John.

In the fifth chapter of Ephesians, the apostle Paul commanded husbands to love [their] wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25) and to “love their own wives as their own bodies (Ephesians 5:28). Christ, in love, sacrificed His life for the church. This example is the antithesis of abuse.

It appears, then, that any man that constantly mistreats and maligns his wife, who wounds her psychologically and/or physically, has “let go” and departed from the intent of his marriage vows. He may be living under the same roof and sleeping in the same bed with her, but if he neglects her needs and destroys her as a person by attacking her body, soul, or spirit, mentally he has left! If he is cold, cruel, and uncaring, he has already separated himself from her, even if he shares a house with her. In his sick mind, the relationship is over.

The idea of leaving, then, can legitimately include the unbelieving husband mentally and/or emotionally abandoning his wife. The final act of “leaving” may mean he will physically remove himself, but the psychological process leading up to that moment may manifest itself in ongoing abusive conduct.

The Bible says that when this happens a Christian wife is to let him leave. The Lord does not expect or want her to suffer mental or bodily harm at the hands of a husband who is supposed to sacrificially love her. God does not want her to be oppressed or incapacitated by fear. Quite the contrary, the sister is not under bondage in such cases (1 Corinthians 7:15), and any woman who is physically harmed or verbally belittled, insulted, or harassed by her husband is under bondage. Any wife whose husband controls her mind and activities with threats or brutality is enslaving her.

In this same chapter, Paul reminds us, You were bought with a price; do not become slaves of men (1 Corinthians 7:23). God did not buy an unequally yoked wife out of the slave market of sin so she could be under bondage to another human being. He purchased her with the blood of Christ and freed her so she could voluntarily become His bond-servant.

She has to draw the line if her husband consistently oppresses her, by whatever means. In Luke 14:26, Jesus said, If anyone comes to Me, and does not hate[the comparison of her love for Me, her] own father and mother and[husband] and children and brothers and sisters, yes, even[her] own life, [she] cannot be my disciple. She has the right and responsibility to choose freedom impossible for her to fulfill her Christian calling.

We have already seen that submission is voluntarily choosing to yield or surrender to someone. When God instructs wives to subject themselves to their husbands, He is asking them to surrender to their husbands’ love and God-given position. Nowhere does Scripture imply that the Lord expects a wife to accede to verbal castigation or physical assault.

Many times women who are in this position convince themselves that they would be unsubmissive if they fled. So, instead of retreating and protecting themselves and their children (who may be scarred for life from exposure to continual abuse), they become passive; but passivity is not the same as submission. Whereas submission is voluntary, passivity is forced oppression. Whereas submission allows for individual dignity, passivity breeds self-hatred, and eventually a wife who subjects herself to abuse starts believing that she deserves it!

She convinces herself there is no way out and that she is only getting what she has coming to her. This is especially pronounced in cases where Christian women knowingly married unbelievers. Frequently they stay to punish themselves, to pay the penalty for their sin. Their attitude is: I got myself into this, now I’m stuck with it. So, they become passive. It is vitally important that a woman who suffers maltreatment in her marriage draw the distinction between submission and passivity.

Also, some women stay because of guilt. They believe that their faith in Christ is the reason for their husband’s abusiveness, so they think that staying is a cross they must bear —part of their suffering for Christ. They need to realize that there is an immense difference between being persecuted for the Lord and for righteousness’ sake, and being physically or emotionally abused by a man who is a tyrant.

Although, an unbelieving husband might use his wife’s faith as an excuse for attacking her, that is not the real reason. Men who batter or consistently demean their wives are emotionally ill. The emotionally yoked wife who is being vilified by her husband does not have to submit to his tirades. God does not ask her to yield to outrageous attacks.

Sometimes a Christian woman who is being harmed by her mate stays because she believes that the Lord will protect her no matter what her husband does. Candy thought that, until Glen shot her. Eleanor thought that, until Ed fractured her back and skull when he threw her down the stairs. Emily thought that, until Howard burned down their house when he was spaced out on pot and booze and fell asleep on the sofa with a lighted cigarette in his band. Their three-month-old daughter suffered severe burns over 30% of her body and was in the hospital for months.

Claudia thought that, until she had a mental breakdown. Her children had to be put in foster homes while she recovered because the court ruled that her husband was not a fit father.

If there are children involved, the repercussions of living under such disparaging conditions can leave them with lifelong scars. Scripture teaches the importance of example. We are warned not to associate with fools, liars, fornicators, idolaters, blasphemers, or hot-tempered people, because if we do we will imitate their behavior. Statistics show that many parents who are child abusers and many men who batter their wives were themselves mistreated as children, or came from homes where one or both parents were abusive. Like begets like. Removing herself and her children from danger isn’t selfish, isn’t sinful, isn’t unsubmissive —it’s smart.

God hasn’t called the wife to live in a spirit of fear and mental instability but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7 KJV). He hasn’t chosen her to live in a state of confusion, not knowing what to say or do next, or what tirades her well-intentioned responses might bring. God is not a God of confusion but of peace (1 Corinthians 14:33) and has called [her] peace (1 Corinthians 7:15).

The above article comes from the terrific book, Beloved Unbeliever: Loving Your Husband into the Faith by Jo Berry, published by Zondervan Publishing House. This book could truly help those who are married to unbelieving spouses. Jo knew what it was like to live with an unbelieving spouse and also interviewed dozens of women who are married to unbelievers. In this book they share the greatest difficulties they encounter(ed) and practical ways to handle the problems.

— ALSO —

On Leslie Vernick’s web site, she answers the question on whether or not scripture supports separation when the spouse has been abusive. I highly recommend you read it:

SCRIPTURE SUPPORTS SEPARATION FROM A DESTRUCTIVE SPOUSE

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201 responses to “Leaving Your Spouse Because Of Abuse

  1. Thank you. This excerpt is very helpful; it answers many of the difficult questions I’ve been dealing with and in many cases it confirms the conclusions at which I have arrived at, as I read the Bible.

    However, I believe the author could (and should) have been more accurate in addressing this issue of abuse between spouses. While the title does utilize the inclusive term “Spouse,” it then proceeds to only speak to the plight of certain women; it does not mention the fact that men are also subjected to the same injustices at the hands of some women.

    A man also deserves peace after “Leaving’ his ‘(female) Spouse Because Of Abuse.”

    1. I agree Ben. I wish that authors would address both wife and husband abuse because we hear of both, so both need to be addressed and dealt with. All we can do is hope that men will change the pronouns and glean through the information, to use whatever fits.

  2. Thank you for this. My parents are deeply religious people yet I grew up watching my father beat and verbally abuse my mother. He also did this to me and my brothers. Growing up I was depressed and felt that I couldn’t do anything right. It wasn’t until I moved out and began seeking therapy (as the relationships I had were also with abusive men) that there was a part of me that felt that this abuse was OK, when in wasn’t.

    I’m now 30 years old and will be having a child this year. My father still disrespects my mother but now my mother disrespects him in return. Anytime I bring up the fact that my mother could be happier; she often refers to the fact that God does not allow divorce and that she must put up with this.

    They have been married 33 years now and she still refuses to see the kind of man she is. She has gotten used to it. I wish she realized that there was better out there.

  3. Excellent article! A whole lot of love within the words. And it comforts those of us who got lost because of mind games and abuse. Thank you. God used you as an instrument. I can’t explain how exactly, I just feel it. Again, thank you! Keep writing! You give people hope.

  4. Thank GOD for this site. I thought I was alone. I am married to an unbeliever who verbally and pyschologically abuses me. He humiliates me in public by calling me names and belittles my faith and blasphemes the name of GOD. I just wonder sometimes if GOD will ever intervene, answer my longstanding prayer, and change the course of my life by leading my husband to repentance unto salvation?

    1. I go through the same thing. I’ve been married for 16 years, and we have kids, grade 6 and under. We began our walk with Jesus in 2002, and after awhile, he left me standing there on the God-path alone. He had father issues, and became angry with God. Since then, we have has nothing but problems. I feel satan is able to easily use my husband as a puppet to destroy my personal and spiritual growth. I don’t bear more fruit of the Spirit over time, I become more and more hard-hearted. His heart is clenched like a fist, and he will not permit himself to be emotionally vulnerable to anyone. He is extremely regimented and rigid, being a former Marine, and tries to run our family like boot camp.

      Our marriage and family life are joyless. And he has systematically rejected me, as a person, for the majority of pur marriage. I found myself alone on a regular basis with the kids, and him out the door. He said I was the reason he drank. When pregnant with our 4th, he stopped touching me for most of the pregnancy, and I cried myself to sleep every night. I even spent many daylight hours crying. I have a new diagnosis of Adult ADD, and he now has an explanation as to why I was so “incompetent” during our whole marriage.

      Every time he hurts me, I tell him he offers no validation for my feelings, and I get enraged! Then he says I need to “get on medication already,” says he’s sure there’s “something wrong with” me. Says he carries all the weight in our life, and I behave like an adolescent. He says things like, “SHUT THE F UP!” when I’m upset. There have many a hundred times when we were riding together in the car, and though I felt happy and joyful, he was visibly agitated, looking like he smells something bad. When asked what’s wrong, he said, “I’m not quite sure. I feel grouchy, but not sure why.”

      He has told me on one occasion that I favored our oldest daughter (a lie, which broke my heart for our son… I knew how much I tried to make everything equal, and that this was untrue), and once he said out of left field, over a nice lunch together, “You do realize you failed our son, right?” (I was in the middle of a toileting behaviour modification regimen with him, when we moved from our upstairs apartment to downstairs, and the regimen for briefly interrupted secondary to the move. This made me so angry, I threw my just-bought cheeseburger at him. It missed him, slid down the wall, and slipped into his laptop. He yanked all my clothes out of the closet and screamed at me to get out. I was a bawling mess on the floor, my heart tormented by how little he valued me.

      He has since insinuated by casual and covert remarks that “we’re old,” (only 40), told his bachelor buddy – who’s seeking a woman who is a 9 or 10 that “they’re out there.” What does that make me? I dare not ask, I couldn’t bare the answer. Over nice steak he was cooking us recently, he shared a conversation he had with the same friend. He told his friend not to seek a 9 or 10, because “they won’t be hot forever. They lose their butt, boobs sag,” etc. I took this to heart. Yes, he mentioned how men’s bodies age too, but who cares? The damage was already done.

      Two weeks or so later, at the table enjoying more steak he cooked, he spoke about a co-worker, Chris, who’s having a relationship problem. Chris has a so-called platonic female friend from childhood. New girlfriend is jealous. Platonic friend wants him to go visit her. She’s having marital problems, and wants Chris for emotional support. I told my husband just watch, Chris will drop new girlfriend for platonic chic. My husband said with conviction, “No he won’t.” I said, “Don’t be so sure.” He said, “You haven’t seen Marissa.” (New girlfriend’s name.)

      Instantly, my female brain bristled. He has hung out on occasion with Chris and Marissa, and never before mentioned that he found her attractive. I saw green. He could tell his comment bothered me, but acted like I was being insecure and irrational. Didn’t apologize, didn’t try to reassure me. The dinner was ruined. On holidays and other random says, when our family was enjoying a peaceful time, he dropped a toxic bomb on me out of nowhere, spewing contempt at me out of nowhere, leaving me standing there with my eyes wide as saucers and my jaw on the floor. We are high school sweethearts, but don’t belong together. He was the jock, popular guy who showed an interest in me, the pretty but shy wallflower, and he rocked my world. From day 1, I spent my life chasing after his affections, in vain.

      I know he loves his family, and he is a stellar father on many important ways. But he doesn’t know how to love *me*. I’m always going to seek HIM out, he doesn’t come seeking me. Yet, he’s committed and won’t leave us. So, do I leave? I ask myself this, war with myself, every single day now. He has poisoned me against my blood family (at least, he tried to). They have been so welcoming to him, but he acts like an arrogant snob and they’re not worth the air he breathes. My mom has been the best to him, always encouraging me to try my best to please him and honor him, and yet He said this year that he can’t stand her, that she’s a “depressed blob.” He has made her feel unwelcome in our home, and his makes me furious. He is also icy to our nieces who live downstairs. He doesn’t LIKE *anybody.*

      He has also made it clear to me that I can do nothing right. No decision I ever make is the right one. I’m never perceiving a situation accurately or wisely. My most innocent intentions toward our kids, namely wanting to buy them a $5 or less set of Crayola paints, he says is out of “selfish motives. Are the paints for them, or to satisfy some selfish need” in me? When our oldest daughter was in kindergarten, she wanted a Disney princess folder her friend has. A friend said it came from the dollar store. I wasn’t working at the time, have none of my own money. I told my husband I wanted to get one for our daughter, and he said no. Absolutely not. We’re both artistic, and we’d “make one.”
      This was preposterous to me, because I knew, based on our mutual track record, she wouldn’t see that handmade folder until her 18th birthday!

      This scenario felt super controlling, and I fought him on it. He fought back. About two weeks later, I got him to agree -he said, “You buy her one, I’ll make one, and you’ll see she prefers the handmade one!” I bought her one, and he never made her one, despite already having her choose her printed pictures and where she wanted them laid out. I hurt on her behalf, because he hasn’t kept his word to her. He said I should mind my own business, I didn’t know what I was talking about, and she “doesn’t even remember it. She never mentions it.” He’s always in a rotten mood.

      Can you imagine living with a man who is in a bad mood for 15 years straight???!!! I can’t even SPEAK TO HIM until he has had his morning coffee! He attempts to adjust how I speak, bc he’s a wordsmith and grammar is important to him. If he asks a question, but I answer in what he perceives is too much unnecessary information, he interrupts me with annoyance. He hates being around my family, but this Thanksgiving he agreed we could go Upstate and spend the holiday with them. My sister was there too (we have has tremendous problems with her, she and my husband are as bad a pair as kerosene and a lifhted match). She was there’s with her fiancee and kids. She was on excellent behavior, said nothing instigatory. He didn’t either, but he opted not to come sit and eat at the family table beside me. Instead, he hung out on the sun porch in solitude. He was out there for 99% of the evening, watching movies on his laptop.

      When we got home, I shared that his lack of seeking me out to come eat beside me hurt my feelings. He said it was because my sister was there. I tried to explain that I need him to seek me, because I have years of him rejecting me. He insisted it was his prerogative to act as he saw fit, he was a grown man. I became furious because of the pain he was causing my heart, and he resorted to his “You need to get on f***ing medication already!!!” This will never stop. He won’t convey that he valued me. He says all will be fixed once I “treat my ADD,” but I can’t get beyond the fact that even if he begins to love me ON medication, I will always remember he didn’t accept me off of it.

      I feel as though there may not be anything wrong with me at all…that I’ve been involved in a 16-year head trip, and he is driving me insane! I’m starting to not be able to discern which way is up, doubting all my own perceptions and opinions. He told me he can’t praise me for a job well done, until I’ve shown him a job well done. He even said it with a warm and peaceful smile!

      My husband is half black. Skin color never mattered in our relationship, we both thought each other’s skin color beautiful. But this past year, when I was Upstate, we has a text fight. I mentioned that the kids weren’t obeying me and settling down for bed (husband stayed home from trip to lay down laminate flooring, as we had agreed). He said I was laying in the bed I had made for myself. My lack of being a firm disciplinarian had led to them thinking me a joke. This made me bristle. I was sharing my frustration with him, not asking for a lecture. I didn’t want a fight to escalate, so I replied in what I thought a light-hearted way. I merely said, “I feel you, Brotha.” He blindsided me with, “Wtf did you just say? Make that the last time you ever come out of the side of your face with a comment like that!” I questioned why it has bothered him so, he told me to drop it. I pressed, saying I wanted to understand so I could avoid offending in the future. He replied angrily, in capitals, that it was “pale faces like me” who have “his people down for decades…” I couldn’t believe my eyes! This is what I’m dealing with.

      In our 16 years, we have been a pair who can’t take one forward step together. We’ve never had our own home, and rent has never even been paid on time. Where we live now, my dad charges $500 a month, which husband isn’t reliable with. Yet he supports his pack-a-day smoking habit, and drive-thru takeout most midnights, after already having had dinner. We have never has a family vacation, nor one just the two of us. We’ve never had a pet. The kids and I have PINED for one, but he insisted for years it wasn’t the right time. We have NO mutual friends, and he has favored his bachelor buddies over me. He tells me this month that it was because of my ADD inconsistencies, and that he had every right to choose time out over time with me. He told me I never finish anything I start, have never proven I can hold down a lob without getting fired, blah blah blah. Yet during all of this, he hasn’t seen the good I do, the warmth and beauty and nurturing I bring to his life. He has been putting out my light, and I have had enough.

      1. I told my Pastor recently I’ve been putting up with emotional abuse for 15 years on and off and didn’t even notice it. I think we can stay in denial way too long because we don’t really know what to do. Some Christians like to give their opinions, but seriously I think to myself, hey, even the Pastor would not put up with this, so why should we? I have been googling a lot obout Christian marriages and emotional abuse. Well, what an eye opener! If I was in denial before I sure ain’t now. Take care people, and remember God never intended us to stay in a covenant Marriage that is abusive.

        1. Hi Bec, Perhaps you should define the term “emotional abuse” before taking the risk of splitting up a marriage? Perhaps you can share your experiences here that lead you to this conclusion? God did say “What God has joined together let no man (person) separate.” I also recall that the only recommendation for divorce ever given in scripture is adultery… (= “being physically intimate with a person other than our spouse”)

          Please don’t misunderstand me… My intention is NOT to make light of this…and I believe there is such a thing as “emotional adultery” …but again, that has to be defined carefully. I see divorces happening so often. I will summarize all that by the following comment from a friend who went through a failrly “typical divorce.” She said, “Never in my wildest imagination could I imagine the horrific stress, emotional upheaval and expense of a divorce.”

          “Emotional abuse” is no light matter to be sure. But neither is divorce. I certainly hope you can figure this thing out… and especially that you two come together instead of growing apart.

          I have been married for 36 years. I personally think that MOST problems are in a large part, a result of MISUNDERSTANDING, rather than WILLFUL intention to hurt the partner. You take care Bec. I hope and pray the very best for you, WP (Work in Progress)

          1. It sounds like these spouses might have narcissistic personality disorder and/or are sociopathic. My husband of 12 years was diagnosed with this disorder and their characteristics are very textbook. Unless you’ve experienced being married to someone such as this, then you have no idea what it’s like. It’s WAAAY beyond a “misunderstanding”. Trust me, it’s ALL intentional…that’s why it’s a disorder.

    2. My husband of 41 years is the same way. I sometimes ask God if he loves him more than me because he is lost sheep. I am crying as I write this because last Monday night he blew up about some spicy food I was making for my lunches. I told him I couldn’t take it any longer and I wanted a divorce. Now he is in the hospital because he tried to commit suicide and is blaming me for it.

  5. What a great article, and what great responses as well. So very comforting to hear the Christian perspective from women who have been through abusive marriages. So much of the posts are about women who wish they had left their abusive spouse sooner, or who have left them. Horrifying to read that this killing of spirit could last decades as some have posted.

    My strange story is that I put up with an emotionally abusive husband for five years, because I took vows “til death, sickness, worse, poorer….etc”. I truly never considered leaving my husband; I prayed for things to get better. I was “stuck” with him, because that’s what God said!

    Strange thing is that my husband “left” me! Sixteen months ago out of the blue he said he was “through”, and was divorcing me because I “didn’t make him happy.” I stood by my marriage and my vows, and I obeyed him — at his direction, I showed up to the divorce mediator three times (he stood me up each time). He threatens to divorce me “next week” and “next month”. He leaves for months at a time.

    We have a second home, and I had to go there to take care of issues because he threatened to “let it go to the bank”, his way of getting rid of me. Through this all I have been depressed, crying, feeling like dirt. However, I have been doing what I thought God wanted; obey my husband, stay in marriage (there has been no adultery). I have all the Bible verses that I clung to, thinking that eventually God will work in my husband, that a miracle will occur, etc. I figured because he hadn’t made it legal yet, there was still hope.

    But thanks to this website, I realize that isn’t going to happen. He is just getting more abusive (I think he wants me to divorce him, so he can be a victim and keep more money!), and humiliating me more and more in the community. He took off his ring a year ago, and has been telling everyone we are already divorced; he is acting like he is single.

    After reading this site, it seems that HE already divorced me. It is like the manner that Moses was trying to address when he allowed divorce for the “hardness of his heart”, and insisted that at least the husband GIVE her that “certificate of divorce” — that legal piece of paper to make it “official” and not just leave her hanging. The divorce wasn’t my decision; it was his. He divorced me; the only technicality is who goes to the effort of getting the legal “certificate of divorce.”

    I still love him (the Bible says true love never dies), but I am not in love with him, and I don’t like him. I wish our marriage could be restored; I have prayed and fasted and done everything with faith and truly expected it to be restored. I now realize that, well, he divorced me a year ago — the only thing left is his abuse, and his failure to go through with the legal inconvenience of giving me the “certificate of divorce.”

    Thanks for the article. Timely as heck. As he sleeps in the spare room, my heart still breaks for what we should have — the marriage God intended — but instead, my husband has chosen to listen to the devil, who successfully came to steal and destroy.

    1. Thanks for sharing. I have been married 35 years and my husband has just left me. Your story touched me. I became a born again Christian 10 years ago. My husband remains an unbeliever. We both brought baggage into the marriage, but at the start I thought I was the only one, and had married into a “good” family. My husband was comfortable with this understanding, as it made him feel good about himself. When I became a Christian, I changed radically and that is when I actually began to see the truth in our situation. My husband’s issues began to surface. As you can imagine, his image of himself, was dismantling as I met his emotional abuse, (which often took the form of silent treatment when he felt I had said or done something that was hurtful to him) with a healthy response. He was always the victim therefore “good” and I was always “bad”.

      For the first time, (in Christ) I was able to apologize for things that I did that were hurtful to him, (even if my intention was not such), but would not beat myself up for days as I had in the past, as in Christ I knew I was not condemned, and also, I was no longer owning blame that was unfounded. What was interesting was that my husband became outwardly aggressive with me, and a man who never yelled and was always calm previously, and was now yelling and becoming quite aggressive.

      This is when it became obvious to me that he had been controlling me all along with the silent treatment and he had been playing on my guilt, to control me and consequently feel good about himself. It was Christ that freed me from this bondage! Like yourself, I am very sad because I believe the Lord wanted to save our marriage and I know that we had THE answer to a great marriage. My husband has a will. That is the beauty of our Lord Jesus Christ in that He is not a controller and gives us a will. My ex husband has chosen his own righteousness presently, instead of the only righteous one and that is Jesus Christ.

      Like you, over the last year my ex husband had upped the ante, as they say, I believe, to frustrate me, and therefore catch me in anger (which is failure) and I think hoping I would ask for the separation, so again I would look like the “bad” one, in front of our children. The Lord was amazing how he came through me with much love and patience for him. (a living sacrifice) My husband has finally left me by sending me an email from California while on a business trip, where he plans to live now. I am finding this extremely difficult as you can appreciate. I know though, that my ex husband is not well emotionally, and the abuse towards me would have continued, if not escalated.

      My ex husband, unbeknownst to himself, (as he doesn’t believe he exists), has handed himself over to the devil. He has left a path of carnage in his wake, not only myself, but 3 grown children and 4 grandchildren. The Lord loves my ex husband too, and I trust that He continues to call him to Himself, in whatever way that might look like.

  6. I am engaged with two kids to a non believer. He has warned me several times to be strangled by him if I don’t leave. I am confused that I will be sinning, and worried about where I am going.

  7. Similar to Ben, I myself, have recently been the victim of a violent woman. She is a foreigner who claims to be a Christian, but was raised in a culture of violence, where it’s okay to be abusive to your husband. I suffered with this woman for 4+ years. I tried to show her the correct (biblical) way a marriage should operate.

    Due to her violent temper I lived in fear and I was constantly being physically, emotionally and verbally abused. I kept trying because my only son lives in her country. I didn’t want him to grow up without a father. So I kept going back to her country. But after the last time I warned her never to put her hands on me, she couldn’t stop herself. So I had to swiftly depart.

    Now she is begging for another chance, but I heard that false promise many times. I love my son with all my and I want to visit him there, but she stole my passport several times and threatened to kill me, so I dont feel safe going there anymore. All I can do is pray and send money to ensure my son is taken care of. I haven’t seen my son in 5+ months, so I’m suffering now, but one day God will allow him to visit here.

  8. This article helped me a lot. I left a very abusive husband and daughter who was cheating on me with each other together. I was being abused by both of them yet I thought in my mind I was there to keep my grandkids safe, until we lost our home.

    I came home one night from work and got dragged out of the house by my own husband and daughter and stabbed by my own child. I said enough, what do I do Lord? He took over and someone called the law and now three years later my daughter won’t let me see my grandkids. But I still love the Lord and thank God for everything he is doing for me. He set me free from abuse, and just now as I was reading your article I am now free from the mental part of it all too. THANK YOU JESUS!!!

    1. Be blissful you’re out now. What do you suppose is going to happen when your daughter lays up with another man when she’s though with that loser? He means nothing to her, visa versa. What good or healthy could ever come out that relationship if your own child helps throw you out? As her mother just sit back and wait to see what they do to each other when there’s no substance abuse MONEY. It’s unfortunate about you not seeing your grandson, BUT you might even have custody of him one day. They too are ABUSERS of their own selves. Go on with your love for our FATHER; let the dead bury the dead.

  9. Well said. I needed to hear this. One person’s opinion on this subject before I read yours, believed that the wife should stay in the negative situation no matter what. He or she can do that! Love your take on the subject. You are a God-sent, to my situation.

  10. I just read this. Never have read anything like it. I know the relationship is at an end. It has been physically abusive in the past. He seemed to improve. But it is back to one put down after the other. I was quietly singing to the Lord just because I was happy. He started singing/chanting to Satan. This is after I was ready to leave. He became ill and I decided I didn’t want to leave him like this. I gave up affordable housing (luckily putting it off, but it means 3 to 5 years before I will be at the top of the list again). Now that he is improving in health a bit it is back to the same bad treatment. With one exception, I am in the red financially with no where to go, and no one to go to. Confused and feeling trapped. I haven’t the money to afford normal rent. Searching for answers on what a born again Christian opinion was is what made me find the site. I knew the Lord was teaching me how a relationship should be. This article was a shock to my system, but attitude is same as article. I can’t believe I have been so stupid.

  11. I have just left my husband of 13 years after being physically, mentally, financially, emotional and sexually abused. He always told me that he feels like infecting me with HIV; he would have sex with prostitutes until he acquired the disease and infect me. He told me he would kill me and no one will know what happened to me. He is a soldier. He would call my family, cry and beg for forgiveness. He would tell them how he loves and respects me. My family will hold family meetings and beg me to take him back. How can I leave such a loving husband?

    He convinced me to pay for the mortgage, the car. He accidentally forgets to pay for my daughter’s school fees until, out of anger, I settle the bill. We’re blessed with two children; a 19 year old who is also showing signs of abuse and a 13 year old daughter who screams at the brother most of the time.

    Having read this article and related comments, I applaud myself. My husband is curently alone at our home where I am still paying the mortgage and miserable as well. I am out there and happy to be free. Free at last! ??

  12. OK, it took a lot out of me to write this but here goes. My mom, a woman in her mid 40’s, is in an abusive relationship. It isn’t physical abuse, but mental/emotional abuse. My step-dad constantly puts her down by saying things like, your family doesn’t love you. She finally has told us, my little brother and I this and it took a lot out of me not to result in violence. She told us that she was going to take my brother and leave to Pennsylvania. My step-dad knew her intentions and talked to her about it. Now, he will let her leave on one condition…to leave my brother with him. We now don’t know what to do. Can somebody please help us on what to do? Thanks.

    1. AJ, If this is indeed a mental/emotionally abusive person your mom is married to (which I have no reason to think otherwise), then leaving your brother alone to live with the toxic things your step dad could say to him about family and others, would not be a good thing to do. Your brother would need family, who is healthy, to be active in his every day life to give some balance. That would be especially challenging to do that far away.

      AJ, I can’t tell your mom to leave her husband… that’s not for me to say. That is between her and God. But I can say that if your mom feels she MUST leave, and even though she may feel she has more support in Pennsylvania, it may be better for her not to go that far away, while she still has a son who needs to live with a parent. What she does when he is no longer a minor, is another thing. But at this point in your brother’s life I do encourage her, at the very least, to consider not moving so far away. He needs her and he needs you to be active in his life beyond just talking on the phone and Skyping.

      I don’t know the all of the circumstances, but with what you have stated here, all I can say is, if he can live with your mom and with you in some way –that would seem to be best. But if that is not possible, then at the very least, for as long as your brother must live with a parent, then live as close by to him as it is possible so she and you are continually in his life, giving love, and investing positive values into him. … I hope this helps in some way. I hope your step-dad wakes up and chooses to stop his toxic talk. But if he won’t, then stick close to your brother and do what you can to help him see a more positive side of family interaction.

  13. I am praying and believing that my husband will find the love and hope that only Jesus can give through my witness. I do understand now that it is ok to leave if he refuses to change his abusive ways.

  14. My wife asked me to short sale our house to her father, which she said in 2 years we would put it back into our names; in 2 years and we wouldnt have a mortgage. She was a real estate agent and at the time I didn’t know this was illegal but I did it anyway. In 2 years she said she was keeping the house I paid for for 17 years and I was out of luck.

    I was angry and upset over this and called her names I shouldn’t have. She used this to state mental abuse as a reason to leave me and take my kids, home and everything of value I had… but she’s using this article to say I mentally abused her. When I spoke to her about saving our marriage, saying I mentally abused her and now she feels totally obligated to marry someone else religiously and marry a rich man.

    I always did my best to hold onto my marriage even though when this happened and my health got worse I went into a midlife crisis. I’m over that now and trying to move forward to save my marriage and become a Godly father and husband. I’m sorry for the mistakes I made but honestly the things done to me were 10 times worse. I won’t state them all here but I’m willing to forgive her and try to move forward in our marriage. I don’t want to be a part time dad or a defunct husband. Am I wrong? I have made many changes to improve my life and continue to do so.

  15. I like this article but would like to add that women can be just as abusive. I live with an emotionally abusive wife who will not let me leave the house. She will start fights and if I push her away she will threaten to call and report that I hit her. We have a 6 year old kid so I tried staying for him. This article helped me.

    1. I’m glad you found this article to be helpful. Yes, you’re right that woman can be abusive too. The author wrote it for women, but we include a note in the beginning of the article that states that both men and women can be abusers. Also, you will find that we do have articles that address the fact that both men and women can be abusers. And we have a lengthy article that addresses husbands who have wives that are abusers with many links to additional insightful articles and helpful web sites. You may want to glean through it.

  16. I’ve been in a relationship for 12 yrs married for 2. It’s a very long story. Here goes as short as possible: he had been mentally, emotionally, and at times physically abusive. I was separated from him for a couple years. He was in jail and I was recovering from a severe head injury. We then got back together. I did not realize the manipulation for quite some time because of addictions in and out of house. Anyway he was not as bad these past couple of years. He has not insulted any where like he used to and says he wants to keep working on it. But I feel so done I cannot honestly tell him I want to work on it. I don’t know what else to do.

  17. Hi, my husband thinks that I am nothing to him such as name calling, staying out with friends and many more things; won’t help with the bills; is on Facebook all the time so I just move my self from around him.

  18. If your husband professes to be a believer but is in every way abusive, he probably is not a believer. If the wife leaves is she free to marry again?

  19. I read this article with crying eyes. The situations that were talked about were things that I myself have been dealing with for 10 years. I have had all of those things happen to me and have felt all of the same things about why I stayed and all with my 5 children watching, hearing and sometimes dealing with it happening to them also. I have recently left a marriage to a man that quoted the Bible and confessed on many occasion to be a man of God. But would cheat, leave us for days (sometime without a car, money and food), would curse and tear me and the kids down every chance he got.

    He would have us so scared we were scared to walk too loudly in the house. He would also be physically abusive to me not only in private but also in front of the kids and sometimes to them. And even thought I left knowing full well that I needed to get us out of that situation for good it has been so hard. I am still dealing with everything and still feeling like I did when I was there. It is hard to deal with everything when ou have no way of getting any help. And even harder to live with everything you are dealing with and now on top of that having to worry about how you and your kids are going to survive on your own with no car no job no where to stay for a long period of time. And you are doing these things for the first time by yourself in over !0 years and with % young children. I can only hope, believe and pray that God will give me a way to do it. Please keep me and my kids in your prayers.

    1. Krystal, I’m so sorry that you and your children are having to suffer in this horrible way. Husbands are supposed to be the protectors and providers of the family, not abusers and accusers. Your husband is distorting the Bible and is in NO WAY showing himself to be a “man of God.” There is NO WAY Jesus would do that to His bride. According to the Bible the husband is to treat his wife like Christ loves the church and gave Himself up for her. He isn’t giving himself up for you, but is doing the opposite. So please don’t even start to pay attention to those types of accusations. That comes straight from the pit of hell.

      We looked up your area of the U.S. and see that they have a number of shelters and abuse centers available. I don’t know if you have checked out any of them or all of them (sometimes one is better than another as far as the help they can give and the ways in which they can connect you to the resources you need… so check them all out). If you haven’t, please consider it. Also, the Salvation Army churches may have contacts available that you can use. Yes, you will have to get a job to support you and the children, which will be tough –especially with 5 children to take care of, but living with a husband (I won’t call him a “man” because a true man would never do that, and neither should a husband) who treats you and your children the way he has is definitely worse. I pray you are able to eventually find a job that will meet your needs. Also, please make sure you get into a good fellowship of a Christ believing, following church. You really need healthy people around you in which, you can be in community.

      I pray for you and your children, and I’m sure many others will who will read your comment. I pray for help, wisdom, confidence that you can do what you need to do, safety, good people who will enter your life, and peace. You are probably suffering from PTS (post traumatic stress) –just as soldiers do who are thrown into the midst of combat. You have suffered from combative abuse. That’s where some of these abuse centers can help. You just don’t recover from this type of injury physically, and emotionally easily, just because you WANT to put it all behind you; it takes time and effort. This type of deep hurt can haunt you for a long time. But talking to a good counselor at an abuse center or church can help you get past it a lot sooner, and become a survivor, but also a thriver –where you do better than you ever thought possible at first.

      I also pray for laughter for you and your children. Find ways to infuse laughter into your life, trying to put the tears behind you and looking forward to a safe, peaceful home. Home is where you and your children are together safe and sound. You and your children deserve to laugh. Find ways to do so… it’s healing. I know you haven’t had much reason to laugh in the past, but by breaking free and looking forward to what CAN be, hopefully, smiles will come easier. I pray so :)

  20. This is very helpful to me I am in a very bad situation I really want to stay with my husband he’s not physically abusive but he is mentally abusive he’s on drugs real bad and we’ve been here before I will have 5 years clean this year versus just not even 24 hours. I don’t understand support him but me being a recovering addict I know in my heart that he’s going to need more than 72 hours of detox. I have taken all of my items that I can and put in storage unit he asked me what, I said the house this weekend until he gets out of detox Monday.

    He is under the impression that I am coming back home but he just doesn’t know I am doing this because I have no where to go but when you come back I am leaving if I should even if I have to sleep in my car. I love my husband dearly but my husband don’t love me like you should; it’s hard living with somebody that’s on drugs and alcohol and that was your drug of choice – I know in my heart it was nobody but God that delivered from drugs and alcohol and when God delivers you from something you are delivered; and if you go back you go back on your own free will so I’m claiming today that my husband will get right. I don’t want to be married anymore because I’m tired of the mental abuse. I’m tired of worrying about if something’s going to happen to him or if he can bring trouble to me on Monday owing money he knows he can’t pay. I pray for my husband all the time and nobody can tell me their friend doesn’t work but my thing is this – do I have to stay in the relationship until he decides to get his stuff together because who’s to say that he will never change?

    Some people will be on drugs to the day they die. So my question to you is do I have to send this relationship even though he’s not a cheater, even though he doesn’t put his hand on me but he did what you had to alcohol and to me that’s abuse, especially when you’re selling my things, you sold all your things and now you make an outstanding debt that you can’t afford to pay. I really don’t want to be around him; I don’t want to jeopardize my sobriety, so can you please help me? God bless.

  21. Can I survive as a Christian wife and mother through Christ even though my husband is (mostly) verbally abusive? How does a person overcome the abuse and stand strong through Christ? Is there a way for that to happen? I don’t want to leave my husband, but I’m so confused from the abuse. I don’t know which problems ARE my fault and which ones are not; I can’t seem to control my children from lashing out at me when they get angry at me either, (this is a huge battle for me) because they see their father abuse me. They think it’s ‘okay’ to do it too; they’ve learned its ‘no biggy’.

    But, I don’t want to leave and hurt him, no matter how much he’s hurt me. I still have compassion for him. God loves him too and I feel like I’m turning my back on God and “belittling” His power and the power of prayer by leaving. Can I survive as a believer in an abusive home? Can I raise God fearing children in the midst of an abusive husband and father?

  22. I’m married and have a son of 3 years. We married only at the register office but not yet at the church. We are both Christians. Since my son was born my husband has changed completely. He abuses me emotionally and mentally every time he has something to tell and hurts me. He never appreciates what I do. One day he raised his hand on me in front of my son. I don’t have access to his money. If I ask him for something he always says he doesn’t have money.

    Before having my son I was working and it was for us. But he always says it’s his money or I buy this with my money. I’m hurt you know. He misbehaves with many people. He doesn’t have respect for me.

    He likes sex and force me to have anal sex. He masturbates when I’m not at home and I know this. I’m fed up I want to go. He doesn’t like to help people or me. He doesn’t like to go to the church. He always talks rubbish.

    Honestly, I have got someone in my life he’s not a Christian but ready to go to the church. He respects me loads and loves me. I don’t know what to do…I’m hurt when I think how is my husband has no love, no respect and I have love and respect, even financial help with the other person.

  23. My husband abused me for years but now he’s sayin I’m the abuser. I only put my husband in the system one time but now he keeps getting restraining orders on me. He lives in the house I got when I first left him. Then he got sick so I let him move in. The name calling and the disrespect got worse so the abuse program got me a studio cause he had me removed from the house and then he didn’t come to court so they threw it out.

    Well now he has another order cause he has moved a woman in the house that I rented and left him in but never gave up my keys. Because my husband had heart surgery while doing his so called healing process he found his old girlfriend and put her in the house. But yes I reacted to him telling me he got another woman and he’s seeing her in the house that I got. Please help; she’s not supposed to be there because I still have keys and the landlord told him to change the locks isn’t that illegal?

    1. Lost, we are not legal experts and have no counsel for you about your legal rights. You could perhaps contact Legal Aid in your community to see what they say. Other than that you need to protect yourself from him and what he is doing to you. It’s toxic and it doesn’t appear he is going to change. If you continue to pursue him right now, all that is going to do is leave you angry and frustrated.

  24. Where, and what can a wife do to get help living in a verbal violent abusive relationship? Can she leave because she’s scared for her life and if she leaves will it hinder any legal rights in favor of her?

  25. I am in this situation due to alcohol and drug use on my husband’s part. He claims to be a believer and can quote scripture but never applies it to live. The term talk the talk but not walk the walk comes into mind. I have been in this relationship for 5 yrs and over the years the drinking comes more often and the abuse has become more and more unbearable not just to me but my 14 yr old son from a previous relationship. I have been choked, punched, yelled at, called names, he has gotten in my son’s face and has made him very uncomfortable and now the law is involved.

    He has gotten away with this behavior long before I was even in the picture and his family has continued to blame me for not dropping the charges that the state has placed on him. The elders of my church are pushing reconciliation and my thought on this is if my husband was a god fearing man he would have never put his hands on me to hurt me. He also would not put our family second to his own wants and needs but would provide and be the spiritual leader he proclaimed to be and never has been. I am struggling with all of this and I just need to know that God will not be mad at me for leaving.