Marriage Missions International

My Spouse Is In Love With Someone Else

“Help! My spouse is in love with someone else!”

We’ve heard those horrible words in different forms so many times from those that write and/or talk to us, here at Marriage Missions. And the spouse who is left behind, who is telling us his or her story, is devastated! And understandably so!

“Infidelity is one of the most thoughtless, dishonest and cruel acts of self-indulgence imaginable.” (Dr Willard Harley Jr.)

We couldn’t agree more with that statement! Just the thought of having a spouse, the person who pledged to love and be faithful to you for the rest of your lives, the person you have given every part of your heart and body to —just to think that this person could throw your love and commitment away and pledge love to someone else, is inconceivably cruel. No one deserves to hear that “news” from his or her spouse.

How we wish we could erase that betrayal from ever happening to another person!

But sadly, we can’t.

What we can do however, is lead you to read an article which God may use to help you deal with this horrible new in some way. We pray it helps with all our hearts.

Please click onto the Marriage Helper.com link to read what marriage expert, Jo Beam wrote on this subject:

MY SPOUSE IS IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE ELSE

If you have additional tips you can share to help others who are dealing with this dilemma, or you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.

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Comments

45 Responses to “My Spouse Is In Love With Someone Else”
  1. Ken says:

    (USA)  Joe’s article is very good in terms of helping the “faithful spouse” understand what’s going on in the mind of the “cheater” and what can be done to win him/her back. The article clearly shows he’s experienced with this and I reccommend it to anyone who is going through the situation of being married to someone who thinks they’re in love with someone else.

    • Tina from United States says:

      What if you’re not married? Can this still work for you? Boyfriend of 4 years in love with another girl for 2, same situation, just not married, can this still work for me? I don’t want to give up on him, he’s my soulmate…

  2. Tony says:

    (USA)  Joe Beam was one of the folks I contacted to see if I could get any help winning my unfaithful wife back to the marriage. I asked for his help and was told he would put me in touch with someone locally who could help. But I never got that information even after calling back.

    My church refused to do the Matthew 18 process, which is basically the intervention and her family welcomed her affair partner into their home, so they were not going to be part of any intervention. So I went to him looking for some assistance, and came away empty.

    Can’t do an intervention if no one is willing to intervene and can’t save a marriage if someone says they’ll provide help and then they don’t provide the help they promised.

  3. Maria says:

    (USA)  My husband stopped his affair and is trying so hard to show me love, I don’t want him now. How can I change my heart and love him again?

    • Dorothy says:

      (MALAWI)  I am in the same situation and would like to know the answer from this question. I feel I no longer love Him. He has cheated more than three times and claims that he has stopped. I dont believe Him because nothing has changed.
      what can I do really?

      • Pat says:

        (SOUTH AFRICA)  I am with you there Dorothy. I have been cheated upon by my spouse so many times and I have been faithful in my marriage. How do I learn to trust again? I have forgiven him but I cannot forget the pain he caused me. I ask God to take away my pain and teach me to trust again. I am in so much pain right now.

    • Kim says:

      (U.S.) If you really loved him you would forgive him. Sometimes we go thru life married and thinking we are in love then something like this happens. Then we realize we are not in love as we thought we were. Good luck, hope you find true love.

    • Joanne from Australia says:

      Hello ladies. Hopefully this advice can be of help to you for I am in your position because of my husbands affair. He is still in his affair and it’s very hard to accept his failings. I have spoken to his other woman. She was rude and cruel. I know she was hurt because we both were lied to. I don’t blame her in any way for my marriage problems. it is important that I remember.

      Here is the thing, I LOVE MY HUSBAND even though I REJECT his choosing to stay in his affair with this woman. Have I FORGIVEN HIM? Yes I have because I choose not to let anger, resentment or bitterness settle in my heart because everyone who knows me I am none of those things and besides I am STRONGER and HAPPY. DO I STILL FEEL THE STING OF HIS UNFAITHFULNESS? Yes I do. I cry every now and then and I pray to God to give me STRENGTH and WISDOM.

      So it may not be you don’t love your husband; it’s because you still do. Its your brokenness that blinds you from your love for your husband. I know I was in the same boat.

  4. Tami says:

    (USA)  I am one who has experience in this area. After 25 years of marriage, I felt I could not withhold my feelings any more. Our marriage was lacking emotion, I had tried over and over to vocalize my wants desires and wishes. My husband was unresponsive to my needs for over 5 years of my efforts to enlighten him. There was a gap, a hole, an emptiness. I found a filling, be it the wrong attention from another, for a time it was wonderful, talking, e-mailing and having someone to take interest in me, my feelings and my needs. I felt alive again. What made me wake up was my children. I never want for them to hurt, or to be feeling like they are to blame.

    So I now remain in a marriage ‘for the sake of the kids’, in a relationship that I don’t know how it could ever be what it should be. I stumbled on this page while looking for a Jane Austen quote. Something to the effect of: no matter how much you love your husband, you’ll always love your children more. I am frustrated at what type of life lessons my kids are getting from our dysfunctional relationship. It is not I want for them, not the example, but I can not do it alone, and that is what I feel I am. My kids are old enough to know this can’t be normal for relationships.

    So my question… is it worse to stay and give them a poor example of marriage anyway, or leave and at least find happiness in myself, and show them the true happy mom I know I can be and want to be?

    • Kimberly says:

      (USA)  I think you are just looking for a way out of the marriage. Coming from a spouse that has been cheated on more than once and finding the letters that he sent her, and how she was receiving all the thoughtful words and attention that a husband should be giving his wife, I will tell you this. After 20 years in a cold marriage I never once cheated and the damage caused seems like it will take a life time to repair. You have had your selfish fling, now think of your children and try to repair your marriage.

    • Albert says:

      (USA) Tami, so disappointing to hear your comments and attempts to connect with your spouse. Actually it’s not that hard. Communicating heart to heart is the way! You are trying to fix him and he simply needs a best friend that should be you.

    • Bree from United States says:

      I read your statement and the statements of others below. I’m sad by some of the statements below that neglect to take into account the neglect on the part of your husband and only focused on the infidelity part. The husband in this statement was also unfaithful … for a husband is to love his wife as Christ loves the church. I’m only referring to what was stated in this situation as the husband also being unfaithful.

      I have lots of compassion for those in marriages that have been cheated on for I am in that situation now, however, this woman has also been cheated… cheated from the love that her husband has been neglecting to provide for her. It sounds like Tami has been trying to connect with her husband during the five years mentioned, but he just wasn’t responding. Sounds like Tami needs a best friend too.

      • Tony from United States says:

        I don’t think folks are only looking at the infidelity. Instead, folks are being pragmatic. To give the marriage a chance to heal, the affair has to stop, period.

        No matter how bad things were before, they were made infinitely worse due to the adulterous behavior of one of the spouses. Until the affair is ended and the unfaithful spouse is willing to work on her marriage with her husband, no amount of him seeing his part in any neglect or meeting the wrong needs will result in a good marriage between those two.

        If someone is bleeding of a gunshot wound, you don’t worry if you have their glasses or hearing aid. You stop the bleeding and stabilize the patient. Wondering about a husband’s neglect when his wife is having an affair is akin to looking for your glasses when you are bleeding out. This is marriage triage, pure and simple, and the time will come to address her complaints. But that time is after she ends her affair and commits to working with her betrayed husband on building a good marriage for the both of them. An ongoing affair makes that impossible.

  5. Nora says:

    (EGYPT)  What is good for the childern, is to live a HAPPY life between loving, caring mum and dad. Otherwise it will not be good for them. You will be teaching them that marriage is only two people living in the same place, who do not care for each other, each one with his own separate life!

    You chose either live with your husband after knowing your mistakes that drove him to this, and do your best to gain him back or if he is a sick man running after new relationships every now and then, then leave him and live the rest of your life happy with someone else or even alone which will also be better than living under this pressure. But then the 2nd option means you were blind for long period, you should have discovered this earlier. I discovered this with my husband after 10 years and am blaming myself for that.

  6. Kelly says:

    (USA)  After nearly 19 years, my husband announced “I’m not happy; I began a friendship 3 years ago and over the course of the past few months, we fell in love.” I received the classic “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” line. He has apologized, but has never asked for my forgiveness because he does not feel that he deserves it. He is remorseful for putting me through this pain and cries often at the thought of the hurt I am going through. Yet… that does not stop him from still seeing, texting and talking to this woman.

    He has waivered a couple of times telling me that he’s not sure, he’s really in love with me and how could he do what he’s done to someone who has been so good to him. I could not take the ups and downs, the hopes and then the crashes of emotions of this, so I told him “I love you, but I can’t go through the emotional turmoil of waiting for you to decide if I win the contest of your emotions.”

    He continues to stay in our home to get our home in order to sell. But, he is making plans to be with this woman – quit his job (a career that he can do anywhere), leave his parents and friends behind and move in with this woman who lives nearly 5 hours away. This is the second marriage she has destroyed and had a child from another affair. I still love him – the man I married, not the man he has become. I would take him back, but there would need to be serious counseling. I pray to God several times a day that he will use me to show my husband God’s grace and love and for him, to ask God to forgive him of his sins.

    • Cindy Wright says:

      (USA) So sorry, Kelly, that your husband is treating you this way. I can’t even imagine the gravity of pain and rejection you’ve been experiencing. I cry with you. As I read your heart-breaking comment, I was reminded of a few quotes we had posted on the Marriage Missions’ Facebook page earlier today: “Don’t get caught up in thinking the grass is greener somewhere else.” -TGW. “The grass is always greener on the other side, until you jump the fence and see the weeds up close.” -A.G.

      “Love” can be so slippery in how it can be defined and felt, when we allow ourselves to ignore that which is Truth and that which is a false mirror and mirage of the truth. How I pray your husband wakes up and embraces Truth and realizes the slippery slope he’s willingly sliding onto by going in the direction he is. Three years of feeding a “friendship” with someone of the opposite sex, when one is married, is bad enough –it should never, ever be perpetuated. But then taking it to the next level and abandoning one’s vows, spouse, job, home, family and friends, for this type of “love” is reckless on every level imaginable. His tears and remorse are empty unless they’re followed by true repentance and changed behavior –NOT jumping the fence, and saying, “sorry” as he continues on his way.

      • Kelly says:

        (USA)  Thank you Cindy for your words of encouragement. It’s odd you mention the “grass is greener” because on one of his “confused” moments he did mention he thought the “grass was greener elsewhere but realized it was green and healthy with me” – but that thought didn’t last long.

        Cindy – they were BOTH married! So this is reckless on both of their parts and if that’s the way they want to live – starting a relationship based on lies, deceit and destruction of past relationships rarely ever succeed. You are right that unless he repents and changes his behavior, his remorse is empty and I do realize that his guilt and remorse and his constant wanting to know if “I’m healing” is his way of easing his conscience. If he knows that I actually slept more than 3 hours -he feels better -not me. I am realizing each day that I am stronger and seeing each day a new selfish behavior that love essentially blinded me to in the past.

        • DorothyL says:

          (SA)  Dear Andrew and Vanessa, You bless me every day of my life since I received the Text. You make me strong. At the moment I’m going through rough time my husband does not sleep at home. He has had an affair. He is no longer supportive like he used to be. His mother chases my son out of the house as he is not his father.

          My son is sick please pray for him as well. He vomits blood and he does not eat for 18 days. 2009 he was shot in the chest and had a zip operation, Age 24yrs.

          Help him to consider our marriage and that we have to go finish Lobola and sign at Home affairs. I have a little girl 11 years with him and we have been together for 20 yrs, going to good German School. I’m still in probation here at Bosnia. This is my final week. I am going through a hard time. I have even become to be inpatient with myself and seems as if I loose respect for him but I love him as my husband and the father of my child please help to pray for me and my family to be united again. I trust and believe to Almight God. But it is very very hard to me to accept.

          Hope we have room for my problems. May God Bless you two. Thanks

  7. Yemisi says:

    (NIGERIA)  Last week friday, he left home for work and didn’t come and i didn’t see him till yestertday. He has accepted that there is another woman and that my family and i are the cause of his misfortune.

    I’ve been bearing a lot of responsibility in the house to avoid conflict, i don’t ask him for monthly upkeep and he keeps asking for money which i give.

    I am in hope that there will be a brighter day

    Yesterday morning, while chatting the other woman told me “to let him be” “he is with me right now” and “will come home when he wants”.

    I’ve exchanged words with him this morning cause I was a bit shaken and lost for words. I don’t want my marriage to crack, though he is an unbeliever. He has succeeded in keeping me away from his family. After, we got married, i learnt he has another child. We have a two yrs old girl together.

    Could you please plead for God’s mercy on my behalf, I am suffering and really don’t know what to do.

  8. Ellen says:

    (USA)  I found out my husband was having an affair in May. He sent a text message to me that was intended for his affair partner. The text was sexual in nature… complimenting her over what the two of them did during lunch that day. My daughter was looking over my shoulder when the text came in. I’ll never forget when she said, “Dad wouldn’t be cheating on you, would he?” I was devastated and didn’t really know how to respond. I felt myself go into shock.

    Being Christian, I do not believe it is God’s will that a marriage break up, or a family break up. So, I told him I loved him, and I that I forgave him, and wanted to make our marriage work, but I was shaken to the very core of my being. I gave him the choice- to break it off with her entirely and stay with me, or to leave and give me a divorce. He chose to stay with me, and told me that day that he broke it off with her.

    In October, I found an email sent to him by her in which she wrote how she thought of him everyday… physically, emotionally, and that they were magic together. I thought I was going to have a nervous break down when I read it. Our kids were there when I fell apart. He told us (my son and daughter) that he started talking to her again in August. That since he was given an ultimatum, he was scared at the time and needed to figure out for himself if he wanted to remain in the marriage or not. He claimed that a week prior to the October email that he told her that he had decided to remain in the marriage, but the two of them weren’t sure how they were going to handle their relationship since he decided to stay in the marriage. He thought they could be friends.

    He said after watching me and the kids fall apart on the day her email came in, he understood that he couldn’t maintain a friendship with her. Having to relive the pain of finding out that he was still in the affair has left me emotionally raw. As we try to rebuild (we are in therapy) I’ve noticed that he is emotionally distant from me. I am trying so hard to follow the advice of the experts and share my feelings with him and to be understanding that he is experiencing a loss, as well. I’m committed to doing whatever it takes to rebuild our marriage.

    My fear is since he is emotionally distant that the spark is gone, and that he can’t or doesn’t want to rekindle it. One of the hardest parts for me is his affair partner is 15 years younger than we are- in her late 20′s with a 3 year old and 5 year old. We have a 16 year old and 17 year old. How do I compete with someone who is so much younger? He shared with me that what he liked was that she needed him.

    It was difficult to hear him share that, but I know I needed to hear what he got out of the affair in order to rebuild our marriage, but I feel like I am nothing now. I don’t know exactly why I’m writing this post. I think I’m searching for an answer. How do I make it so he no longer loves her, and can turn his attentions to making our marriage work. I feel hopeless and know I need a lot of prayer. I feel like my heart is going to beat out of my chest everyday. Fear and anxiety are a normal part of my life now. I can’t eat or sleep very well, and I can’t focus on the other areas of my life like kids and work. Will it ever get better? Will I ever feel whole again?

    • John says:

      (USA)  Ellen, he’s probably in love with her, and probably still in love with you, too. Just a guess based on what you’ve written.

      Have you found out why he started the affair? If he was missing something, needing something, perhaps you can give it to him. I’d guess most men start an affair looking for the sex their wife doesn’t give them. Looking for the love of a woman who is happy to see them. Looking for a woman who appreciates the man and wants to make him happy and wants to fullfill his every fantasy. When he was with her he might have felt on top of the world. That is what you are competing with.

      If, hypothetically, he left you for her, their relationship might sour eventally. But for now, it is all high, all wanting and desires being satisfied. Maybe an illusion, maybe not based on reality, but seemingly real all the same. Can’t your relationship with him be the same high, giving him the same sense of head over heels in love? I do not know. And I’m not even saying you should try, just that it seems you want to.

      Maybe he is a dirtbag and you have done nothing wrong. Or maybe there was something missing from you, that he tried to tell you about for years, but you never seemed to listen, never seemed to care. Assuming he is basically a good man, I can only assume the other woman was able to provide him with something he was missing. And I doubt it was something as shallow as younger looks or a thinner body. Instead, it would have been something more substantial, and she just happens to be younger.

      I think demanding he stop seeing her is fair. You should also be given whatever powers are needed to police his behavior. It won’t be easy for him to stop seeing her, but it sounds like he would agree to it. Still, I just wonder if at the core of the issue is some problem that is yet to be resolved. Perhaps a mismatched sex drive between you two. Perhaps something else, but I don’t know what.

      I wish you the best. I just wanted to say that maybe he is torn and cannot easily drop her. He can get over her, but it will take time.

  9. Kay says:

    (USA)  I have been in a relationship with my husband for 26 years, 21 of which married. We have two beautiful teen girls. There are so many things that can be factors in what is going on at the moment. First off, my husband is a compulsive gambler (in denial). We are in Chapter 13 bankruptcy due to his gambling. He commutes out of state for work during the week for the past year. We are half way through our bankruptcy and he has continued to gamble. It has caused me to have anxiety and stress on a daily basis.

    I am holding down the fort all week, running kids every which way, keep up the house etc, worrying about money and how it will all get paid, shop in thrift stores and eat thrifly. He stays in four star hotels, fine restaurants, bars etc on the company’s dime. His life during the week is a dream world with no stress. He comes home on the weekend to me who is overwhelmed and needs his help. He puts blinders on and does not see all that is needed and why he can’t gamble.

    He now has been having an affair for three months and told me he loves her. He wants to get an apartment there, again, on company money, to see where this leads. This person is seeing him as a man of means, and has left her husband with her child to be with my husband. They feel they will have a perfect life.

    I feel he can’t deal with the stress that is self-imposed and it is so vastly different from the life he leads there with no worries. I do think there is an emotional attachment between them because that connection has suffered between us since this financial crisis and commute started. If only everyone could escape their reality and live in a dream world.

    At this point, he does not want to work on our marriage at all. He is moving on to this person. I am absolutely devastated. His gambling has been our only issue. He has good moments and bad in his addiction, but he has always been a great father and husband. I know it is an addiction and he has to see that for himself.

    How do I cope? Do I wait it out and hope he sees his mistake? I have a million things rushing through my head and I do not know what to do. I do not have a career, family near me, etc. I do not want to rush to divorce and then regret it. I love him and am willing to work to make this an even better marriage that will need changes. I do not want to go back to what it was but stronger. How do I get through this??

    Will he see that he is throwing a great family away for instant gratification? I know he has anger, resentment and hurt in him and feel he has not dealt with that at all but instead is running from it all to find a happiness that is really sitting right here in his family if he just freed himself of all those negative feelings. Hope someone has some insight for me!

  10. Onkgopotse says:

    (BOTSWANA)  The problem we face with the marriage in African set up is the parents involvement, where the parents of one of the couple wants to dominate the marriage of their children. In my case they want money from their daughter who has not been working for many years and I have been supporting the family.

    Three months upon starting work they want us to break up so that they can have full control of their daughter’s finances. You know what I did? I asked God to give me wisdom and He did because I did not fight her. I let her go ahead to do what is best for her. She went to take care of her mother and brothers even those who are working.

    Two weeks back, she came back with financial problems and I gave her the car that she returned to me thinking that she is financially independent. She can buy her own car. When things went wrong she remembered the family where she used to have everything she wanted. The problem is now we don’t trust each other and her financial problem has affected the family’s finances. God will always find a way out for our problems when you give Him chance. At the end, my marriage is the winner.

  11. CaSandra says:

    (ZIMBABWE)  I got married 6 months ago, and this guy has been married twice before though he wasn’t honest about the wives he has had before. He has 3 kids. 2 with the 1st wife and the other with the 2nd. He says, I was in love with the 2nd wife 1st though I impregnated the 1st wife married her and stayed with her before divorcing. While he was with the 1st wife he was still seeing the other lady and she got pregnant and they have a child together. The child is a year younger than the one born to the 1st wife.

    When I met him he told me he was divorced. And yes, he is, to the 1st wife but I have just found out he is still seeing the 2nd wife. 2 wks ago I saw a msg in his phone where he was telling her how pregnancy hates him, meaning to say she is pregnant with a 2nd baby. We don’t have kids yet. He says he loves me. We are always laughing and when I asked him about it he didn’t want to say much about it. He just said I just couldn’t take her for a wife coz there are certain things that I look for in a wife and she just couldn’t do it.

    But my question is, she is pregnant and he is taking care of him it hurts me thinking or always assuming they are together. The thought is killing me too bad, and I don’t think I can live always feeling that way. I always think of quitting. I don’t have anyone to really tell this to so if there is anyone who can try and help, I will appreciate it.

  12. Cassandra says:

    (USA)  As I read the comment. Some are asking how do they love their spouse again, because they no longer feel about their spouse the way they used to. My suggestion is to pray to GOD for the change of your heart and a renewed spirit in both you and your spouse. The Bible tells us in Jeremiah 17:9, “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?” In Matthew 13:15, “For this people’s heart has become cassoused; they hardly hear with their ears., and they have closed their eyes. Otherwise they might see with their eyes, hear with their ears, understand with their hearts and turn, and I would heal them.”

    As you can see, GOD can change a heart, if you would go to HIM before you go to others or even yourself. He tells you to seek first the kingdom of Heaven and all else would be added unto thee. Trust GOD with your heart and your marriage. HE will show you how to get the love back.

  13. Erica says:

    (USA)  My husband of 15 years left my daughters and me. We have relocated from MI to FL in Sept, and he decided on Wed that he wanted to leave us and be with a women he has been with for the last 3 years. I am pissed off, because he told me he was done with her. We went to therapy for 9 months, and he just up and leaves us in a state where we have no one. He has been gone for almost a week and has not called to check on me or our daughters.

    The pain and sadness I feel at times is over whelming. I pray a lot. I hug my girls a lot. they are confused and angry. I have a 16 year old and a 12 year old. They knew we had problems but they did not think he would leave. The fact that he has not called me is what hurt the most. I am heart broken, angry and I feel rejected and alone!

    Any advice about how to move on what to tell my daughters? Signed Hurt and Alone.

  14. Nazima says:

    (INDIA)  Help me. My husband tells me that he is in love with someone else. She is talking divorce and come to as bleacher then only I will marry. Our marriage time is almost 13 years past now. We have 3 kids, 1 boy, 2 girls. Also please help me and suggest to me how can I get back him and leave her.

  15. TRISH says:

    (USA)  Been married almost 10 years and found out my husband was having an affair with a married woman who has a child. He told me it has been going on for about 7 months. This was a man who told me he loved me all the time and gave e cards and said he would never leave me no matter what. But he has done just that. He moved out and got his own place because he said he just didn’t love me that way anymore and we are not on the same page. He hasn’t filed for a divorce and says who knows what will happen, but needed to find himself. He left me and our boys.

    While he was leaving I also lost my job and we were in the midst of losing our home but got a company and paid them to help us keep it. We were so close to finding out what our new payment would be and he left anyway. He told me he didn’t leave me for her but he won’t give her up and he will text her right in front of me like nothing. So it sounds like love to me.

    I was molested and raped when I was young by a handful of people and it affected my sex life. I should have gotten better help a while ago but I was so scared. He knew about some things but I was afraid to tell him everything thinking he would think less of me and leave me. But he did anyway. I kind of took my pain and frustration out on him but he was supposed to be my rock. He took vows in front of God but words and commitment mean nothing. You can always change your mind on anything. Why would your marriage vows in front of God mean anything? People are more likely to keep a job than a wife or husband. We are dispossable.

    Sad part is I still love him and would take him back. I will never let another man ever touch me or tell me lies, ever. I made my vow and meant it. Love through good and bad, sickness and health, forsaking all others till death do us part. I meant it know matter what happens. But I don’t know how to get rid of the pain that gets worse everyday. I just know I love him and wonder where the man I know went.

  16. Amy says:

    (SA) My husband has worked with a woman for some time and was completely crazy about her as a worker, only to find out that she was later sms’ing him. After this he was never the same person again. We then separated twice and proceeded with divorce. It became difficult on me and my kids and I think him in a way. He moved back and things went well, only to find out that he lied to me and was still seen with her whilst he told me he was working on his second business or playing golf.

    I feel that as much as I am faithful to God and believe in him, I am having diificulty coping with trusting him or even knowing how to react when we are together. This hurt over the years has changed me as a person, where I sometimes tend to become a bit withdrawn. We have been married for 15 year now. I still love hime and my kids don’t want us to separate again. Please advise me.

    • Jackie says:

      (US) If you decide to stay, look forward to more lies and betrayal. He has already shown you. I know the decision is hard, but when you cannot take it any more, you will know what to do.

  17. Latoya says:

    (JAMAICA) I don’t know how to tell anyone how to deal with this cruelty as it is something I am experiencing right now. I took my son to the dentist to do a surgery and after waiting for a while got bored and so did my little son. So to pass the time I decided to read and allow him to play games on his father’s phone. It’s an action I now regret; it was while doing so that he accidentally pressed a different button and it went onto the message he sent to his girlfriend that he truly and deeply loves her with all his heart. I am so devasted right now… it is why I have searched for some help in dealing with this. HELP ME, PLEASE HELP ME, PLEASE!!!!!!!!

    • Cindy Wright says:

      Latoya, You are right when you call it “cruelty.” No spouse should be subjected to this by their other spouse who promised to “love, honor, and cherish” them “forsaking all others” until parted by death. No matter what is going on in the marriage relationship, we should not partner with others in ways that break our promises. That’s even more true when you have children and you are their role model –God’s colleague in raising them to be honorable, responsible, and godly.

      Latoya, how I wish I could help you. That is my heart. How I wish I had words that could heal your pain and words that when I say them, you would repeat them to your husband and he would open his eyes and see the horror of what he has done. But sadly, I can’t help you beyond praying for you and sympathizing and crying with you and telling you to keep going to God with your pain and anguish. I urge you not to give up praying and believing that God loves you and knowing that He sees your pain and knows your heart and He cares.

      God knows what it is like to have those you love betray that love –He grieves with you. Even so, He won’t force your husband to do what he should. He gives us all a free will, even if it is one that hurts in so many ways. It’s all a part of living in a fallen world. If He took that choice away, we’d all be robots because we all sin in one way or another. Grieve with God, pray, read what you can on our web site about adultery, and watch God unravel this thing –watch Him work within your life to give you wisdom and peace that passes understanding when you lean upon Him, as to what to do about your husband’s cheating ways. And pray that God works within your husband. He will do that. You may never see the ways in which He works (because your husband may hide it from you… but perhaps not). God still performs miracles. Believe Him for one in your life –with or without your husband. (I hope it is with him — with him living for God and showing love for you and your family.) My heart and prayers are with you. May you feel the Lord’s love and comfort and see His hand moving in your life.

    • Pavrone says:

      (USA) God Bless you Latoya, it is the most unbearable pain there is. It’s true that we do all sin but not all sin creates so many innocent victims.

      My kids still have bouts of depression as does my husband, the perpetrator. We are all suffering and Decemeber will be 2 years but that is what hatred is supposed to do. Authored of Satan who seeks to destroy us, marriage and kids. Everyone has come home from school early or couldn’t go to start with. My husband and oldest boy could not make it to work and that is very unusual for all of us. We all lay around huddled together. My husband may be sorry and changed, but the consequences do not go away and they affect all.

      I can only pray with you, but you are not alone. Love and prayers.

  18. Pavrone says:

    (USA) There is no love outside of Christ and He would never ordain love that swayed a married person away from their spouse. I do know what the title is implying though. It may share some of the same elements as love such as lust or sex, but it is not love and soon enough, everyone involved will discover that. Can you imagine the arguments? Using their faithful, abandoned spouse as an example of what they really want, have all along and are now kicking themselves for all they’ve done and cannot take back. Full of regret for choosing to dump them for one that steals from another and destroys homes and children. And then, they have to look at themselves in the mirror everyday!

    Love is putting the others best interests first, an affair separates them from God and destroys their kids and testimony. You could not hate another individual more than that!! Please make no mistake about that! The cheater is a liar and a thief, and they are then in violation of every Commandment. An enemy to God destroying His perfect plan for us and giving the devil exactly what he wants. It is purely selfish and as God says “willful children of disobedience and wrath” that is not talking to or about kids but the adults that are supposed to be reading it.

    People get bored and suffer mid-life crisis as well as the utter selfishness. They think another sex partner will spice it all up but they will one day regret it immensely. To paraphrase: Do not be deceived, God is not mocked. Whatsoever you sow you also reap. Galatians 6-7

  19. Olivette says:

    (SOLOMON ISLANDS) I have just been married for two years. In the beginning everything was good then after I become pregnant with our first baby, things started to change. He would rather be working or playing sports when he should have been with me. Instead of staying with me on weekends, he goes out.

    Then after I gave birth everything was ok again. After sometime later he told me he started getting angry with me… for no reason I could think of at all. He then left me saying that he needed space, but then came back again to me and my baby. What really hurts me is that he used to care so much about me and how I felt. But now he is distant, not sharing like the way he used to.

    I asked him if there was someone else but he denies it. Recently I found out that he was emailing an old girlfriend of his. He said that she is just a friend, but do friends talk about intimate things? She said that she hasn’t stopped thinking about him and he replies that he knows. I don’t know what to think and what to do because I am hurt deeply. The only man I thought would make me happy for the rest of my life does not show me love anymore.

    Is it partly my fault, as well? I have never thought of being with anyone else. And he even had the guts to tell me to my face that he has other plans, which do not include me. I don’t know him any more, the one person who has showed me so much love and affection before, my first love. I don’t know if I would ever love or trust anyone again if he plans to leave me again. How can I keep him and show him that he is everything to me?

  20. Selwyn says:

    (UAE) Good Day. I have been married for 11 years and have 2 children. My wife is now having an affair and she wants to leave us. She blames me for having taken this step as she says I have been nagging at her for everything. I did tell her that I accept my faults and will change things that she does not like. But she has not agreed about this. Right now she is staying in the house and says it is just for the kids but is still having her affair.

    I do not want to break up the family and want her to stay with us and realise that she should be with us. It’s something wrong in her having this affair, but I have truly forgiven her. I am praying and have faith in Jesus’ name that she will be back. I need more prayers, including for me to keep my patience with whatever she is doing.

  21. Derly says:

    (USA) If there is a marriage in which both people have ignored each other for almost 10 years. No type of love at all, wife always ignores him and is constantly talking bad about him behind his back. He tries; he never argues in front of the kids. The wife turned his children against him. He is very talkative, which drives the kids away because they don’t like talking about educational stuff.

    He goes to his room all day, and sometimes goes out with the family when they aren’t mad at him. They get mad at him because he doesn’t like to spend much money, yet they have more than 2 cars, and some for the children. He is the type to stay home even when he doesn’t work. He doesn’t go out other than for work. He doesn’t drink, sets a good example, and offers his kids to go to the gym, pool, and play sports. They always say no and the wife at times tells the kids they are leaving her alone, causing the kids to stay home with the mom. If the kids are hugging the husband, the wife will say Oh you guys don’t love me anymore, causing them to go away…

    He finds someone who makes him feel happy and cares for him, but wasn’t planning on even looking for someone –a friend, he had never thought would become so important to him, becomes more than a friend. He knows he shouldn’t but things just happen.

    The wife, after noticing that he preferred to spend more time with his friend, becomes more attentive, bringing him the food and sleeping in his room. Once the friend isn’t around anymore, she continues her normal life, ignoring him and not even stepping foot into his room as it has been for years. What are any thoughts on the husband with someone else? He has always had in mind to wait until his last child is more independent given he is about 10 years old… He has only seen the person but things haven’t gone that far sexually speaking.

    • HDW says:

      (USA) Well, you certainly like to speak in the third person. Or are you the affair partner? Adultery is wrong. Emotional affairs are as harmful as physical affairs. I don’t care if your wife has been ignoring you for years. Wrong is wrong. Affairs start as a result of poor boundaries around the opposite sex.

      I suggest you permanently end your relationship with your “friend” and never see or speak to this person again. Do the right thing. Not The wrong things.

  22. Melinda says:

    (UNITED STATES) I was in a very distant and hard marriage for 22 years. Then on my 23rd wedding anniversary, my husband was so mean and rude to me that I didn’t feel anything but stupidity. Fast forward 1 week later and I ran into an old boyfriend and I asked for his phone number to catch up (big mistake). An affair began, me telling him I was planning on leaving the marriage once my youngest graduated. Then 2 months into the affair, the guilt ate me up and I told my husband what was going on…. thinking we would divorce, instead my husband decided he loved me and was sorry for the previouse 20+ years and we needed to work this out… Fast forward 15 months, still in the affair (lie about it) and as confused as ever. I believe in my heart if I can’t let go of the other man, I must make it right and divorce my husband… My husband has changed and deserves better from me, I love him and care for him but what do I do with the other man?

  23. Lisa says:

    (CGO) I need help. My husband of 7 years is having an affair. I saw a text msg. I am devastated. I do not want to confront him. Our sex life had been inexistent. He calls her when he leaves the house in the morning and even before coming back from work. He sends her txt msg for an appointment during the weekend. Things have been really difficult lately; we argue a lot. He provides for the family, we miss nothing; he is the breadwinner. I want to save my marriage. I have been praying to God to help us.

    • Rose says:

      (S.AFRICA) Dear Lisa my heart goes out to you. If your husband’s affair is allowed to be kept a secret it will only grow. You need to confront him and work together to try and find solutions to the problems you seem to be having in your marriage. Perhaps a “Christian Counselor” will be the best to help you. Please continue to pray to God for help but do not turn blind eye on the situation; it will not just go away. God bless.

      • Lisa says:

        (CGO) Thank you Rose, for your advice. The week before I saw the txt msg I told him that I feel like he is cheating on me. He said I was paranoic, that I always think about me, the way I feel what I want and do not think about the kids. He wanted me to be more focused on the kids instead of my feelings, that I have too much on my plate that I can’t take care of him and the kids at the same time. He will take care of himself and I need to take care of the kids!

        No hugging, he doesn’t sometimes look at me in the eyes. When I try to kiss him welcome he avoids me a little bit or he is not into it. He has been sleeping in the spare room for almost 2 months because we just had a baby. We do talk as usual now, just because I have not brought up the issue. I want to save my marriage. Sometimes I wonder if it’s not because of me.

        • Rose says:

          (S. AFRICA) Dear Lisa your husband will always turn the blame on you. He is trying to make you feel like the guilty one and justifying his adultrous behaviour. You have seen the evidence and know that he is lying. Sure how convenient! You must take care of the kids and he will take care of himself. (He is doing a good job of that.) Lisa I feel so sad for you what with a new baby to take care of as well.

          Please, as I said before do not pretend the situation will mend by its self. Seek guidance if you really want to save your marriage. Please confront your husband and he should be prepared to be honest with you and truely repentent in word and deeds. Never give up praying as ONLY God can change hearts. Be blessed.

  24. Salome says:

    (SOUTH AFRICA) I have been married for almost 7 yrs. During most of that time my husband and I have been separated. I found out that he was having flirting with other women. After I confronted him character altered almost overnight. He became defensive and started looking for ways to blame me for the breakdown of our marriage. He hurt me immensely during our time apart. He expressed a desire to make our marriage work but he didn’t take any steps to do so, nor did he stop his affairs.

    He was visiting me nearly every weekend and I allowed him to conduct this relationship on his terms. I wanted my marriage to work so much that I would allow him anything. During that time I fell pregnant. It ws a very difficult pregnancy. My baby has been diagnosed with cerebral palsy. I did not allow him access to my baby until last year when she ws 2 yrs old. We reconciled in March last year. I thought he had changed due to our seperation and love for his baby. Recently I have been finding evidence of an extramarital affair. I’ve seen texts to another woman. He’s been away from home without explanation. I’ve seen imtimate texts to each other. He’s been calling her every day after he left home. She also works with him.

    After I confronted him he started behaving like he did a few years back. He chose to sleep in the spare room. During this festive season, my baby and I have been alone. He’s been playing the blaming game. He’s been doing everything in his power to make sure I leave home. He doesn’t feel any remorse and he’s been denying the affair. I’ve even had contact with her. He’s been abusive to me and so has he. I am not sure how much longer I can endure. My baby needs him and loves him and I do not want to deprive her of her dad as I did in the past.

    During that time I’v been praying that God would reconcile and restore our relationship. He’s a Christian. He’s been preaching in the church. I still have hope and I am still praying that God will change him. I’m not sure how I feel at this moment. My feelings take a back seat in the light of my babys needs right now. I choose to forgive. I choose to be happy. I see myself as God sees me. Everyday is a new day with God. I’m in a place where I choose to fight instead of wallow in self pity. I thank God for the strength that he has given me. Right now I pray that whatever God has ordained will happen in this relationship. Which ever way God leads me I will follow.

  25. Dorota says:

    (USA) My husband and I are both Christians. We are definitely going through a lot right now and I really don’t know what do to so I’m here looking for help. Our marriage was never perfect, not even close, and even before we got married it was rough. We are both Christian recovering addicts. When we first got together he had 6 months clean; I had not even a few hours.

    We moved in together within a couple of weeks and I had relapsed on him twice within the first two weeks. After the second time I searched for help and started on an out patient program. Our relationship had a lot of secrets and we would argue a lot; sometimes it would even get physical. I had to deal with a few women calling our phone claiming that they were with my husband. We had been together now for about 4 years and 3 months and married 2 years 7 months now.

    I love him very much and want to save our marriage. Recently he began on his 4th step and opened up to me and told me the truth about everything from his past till now. One of the things he said was that he loves me but is not in love with me. There is a woman from his past that he has an emotional connection to. It’s a girl helping him bathe his grandmother with no legs, and he has been talking to her for a week now. He believes he’s in love with her. The day after Christmas he went and spent that day with her and I found out. At first I was very hurt and angry and started cursing him out in anger.

    After a few days passed by we began talking about everything from our past to this girl. I’m trying to be supportive and understanding. He said that he’s not sure if he wants to be with me or with her. He’s trying to see if she’s the same person that she was back then or not and if the feelings he has for her are real. As hard as it is for me I told him that I am willing to wait until he figures out what he wants because God told me to “just give him time”.

    Meanwhile we’re still living under the same roof with our 19 month old daughter. He has 2 other kids from a previous relationship and so do I. He doesn’t want to say anything to the kids yet until he makes up his mind. My question is do I wait, fight, leave, have him go and spend a couple of days with her so he can make a decision or do nothing? At times I’m ok and other times it’s driving me crazy because I don’t know where we stand. PLEASE HELP!! They were best friends in junior high and never got intimate. P.S.I do love him and want our marriage to work.

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