What can you do to rebuild your marriage and get beyond the past once you have had an affair? There’s no going around it, there really is not going to be any easy way out of getting past the matter. It’s going to be a tough one. This is especially true as you try to help your spouse get past the devastation of the affair. You will have a lot of difficult work ahead of you. You can’t just close your eyes and wish the event away. Jackie and Ronnie Calloway (from MarriageInspiration.com) point out one of the common mistakes made by spouses who have had affairs:
“Trying to rush the wounded spouse. The person who committed the adultery must avoid saying to your spouse, ‘That is over now, let’s forget it, not talk about it any more and move on.’ Your spouse is still devastated and bleeding. This is an open wound that you won’t slap a quick band aid on and hope they will be okay.” (From article “10 Common Marriage Reconciliation Mistakes to Avoid After Infidelity“)
And from everyone we’ve talked to that has lived through this situation, and every article we’ve read, truer words couldn’t be written. Just because you don’t want to deal with the issue any longer, or you feel like you have dealt with it long and deeply enough —that it is a dead issue as far as you’re concerned, your spouse needs top consideration here. She or he is the one who was betrayed and as long as there are more unsettled issues that she/he needs to work through, they will always be present to separate you in some way in your marriage relationship. When emotional wounds are deep, it’s unrealistic for one spouse to decide when an offending situation should be closed and no longer dealt with. Marriage is a partnership where both spouses need to work together on such issues “until” … in other words, “until” both spouses come to a mutual agreement that all is well.
To help you further on this point and many more, we have several articles you can read below that could help you if you have had an affair and you truly are serious about trying to repair your relationship with your spouse. We hope you will prayerfully read through them, asking the Lord to help you to learn what it is that is important for you to apply in your heart, mind and actions.
The following article was written by James Vaughan, who knows first hand how difficult this journey can be because he has been there and has done that after he had an affair. He gives the following practical advice that might help you, as you read and apply:
To help you further, the following article was written by his wife Peggy, which might help you to better know how to help your spouse heal from the damage the affair has caused. Please click onto the web site link to read:
The following question was posed to author Anne Bercht on the subject of rebuilding trust:
Question: “I have all but destroyed my husband’s trust in me as I have lied to him over the last year. I desperately want to regain his trust. Is there anything I can say or propose to him besides saying, “I’m sorry — I won’t do it again.” to make him open to at least giving me a chance to try to rebuild the trust?”
For the answer please click onto the following web site link to read:
And to read other perspectives on this topic from the Dear Peggy.com web site, please click onto the following web site links to read:
Here’s a portion of another question that you might be dealing with after you have had an affair:
Question: “I have admitted to an affair. Part of my plan to gain trust is to contact the girl I had an affair with (who is absolutely no longer in my life). My wife wants me to convince this woman to send her any emails she may have kept that we sent to each other. Naturally I deleted all of my e-mails. …I am afraid if this woman does have something saved it will do the opposite of helping my wife because we really spiral out of control and go to a dark place when we discuss this. … What should I/we do?”
Click onto the following Beyond Affairs web site link to read the answer to:
It’s not just what you’ve lived through that’s important, but what you’ve “learned through” as well. Author, Becky Gain discovered that all too well. She wrote that she discovered: “Although I ended my illicit relationship, I could not stop the memories.” To find out what Becky “learned through” please click onto the Kyria.com web site to read:
You may be struggling forgiving yourself and finding a way to get beyond the hurt you have caused. But:
“It’s important to accept the fact that our actions can not be erased or undone, but that we can dig deep inside and discover some way to become a better person by virtue of this experience. This focus and process can be of great help in counteracting the feelings of guilt or regret. So the first step is letting go of “in only…” and looking toward “what can I do to demonstrate that I’ve learned an important lesson” from this experience. And, further, how can I take this learning and use it to become a better person. No matter how difficult something is to deal with, there’s always the potential for learning from it. And using these learnings to forge a more responsible and more fulfilling life can be of great help in counteracting the feelings of guilt or regret.”
To read more advice from Peggy, please click onto the web site link to read:
This last article poses a question and then answers it as well. Author, Nancy C. Anderson was the person who had the affair and has since spent her life helping others who are struggling in marriages rocked by infidelity. After reading the article (and also reading her book, “Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome“) you may consider contacting her if you’re still struggling, to see if she might give you additional suggestions. But first, please click onto the following link to read:
We pray that God has used the above articles to minister to your heart and marriage in His amazing way. The above article was composed by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International.
Filed under: Surviving Infidelity