Rebuilding Your Marriage After YOU Had the Affair

Dollar Photo Beautiful couple holdingWhat can you do to rebuild your marriage and get beyond the past once you have had an affair? There’s no going around it, there really is not going to be any easy way out of getting past the matter. It’s going to be a tough one. This is especially true as you try to help your spouse get past the devastation of the affair. You will have a lot of difficult work ahead of you. You can’t just close your eyes and wish the event away. Jackie and Ronnie Calloway (from point out one of the common mistakes made by spouses who have had affairs:

“Trying to rush the wounded spouse. The person who committed the adultery must avoid saying to your spouse, ‘That is over now, let’s forget it, not talk about it any more and move on.’ Your spouse is still devastated and bleeding. This is an open wound that you won’t slap a quick band aid on and hope they will be okay.” (From article “10 Common Marriage Reconciliation Mistakes to Avoid After Infidelity“)

And from everyone we’ve talked to that has lived through this situation, and every article we’ve read, truer words couldn’t be written. Just because you don’t want to deal with the issue any longer, or you feel like you have dealt with it long and deeply enough —that it is a dead issue as far as you’re concerned, your spouse needs top consideration here. She or he is the one who was betrayed and as long as there are more unsettled issues that she/he needs to work through, they will always be present to separate you in some way in your marriage relationship. When emotional wounds are deep, it’s unrealistic for one spouse to decide when an offending situation should be closed and no longer dealt with. Marriage is a partnership where both spouses need to work together on such issues “until” … in other words, “until” both spouses come to a mutual agreement that all is well.

To help you further on this point and many more, we have several articles you can read below that could help you if you have had an affair and you truly are serious about trying to repair your relationship with your spouse. We hope you will prayerfully read through them, asking the Lord to help you to learn what it is that is important for you to apply in your heart, mind and actions.

The following article was written by James Vaughan, who knows first hand how difficult this journey can be because he has been there and has done that after he had an affair. He gives the following practical advice that might help you, as you read and apply:

Weathering the Tough Times in Rebuilding the Marriage

To help you further, the following article was written by his wife Peggy, which might help you to better know how to help your spouse heal from the damage the affair has caused. Please click onto the web site link to read:

Figuring Out and Expressing What You Think and Feel

The following question was posed to author Anne Bercht on the subject of rebuilding trust:

Question: “I have all but destroyed my husband’s trust in me as I have lied to him over the last year. I desperately want to regain his trust. Is there anything I can say or propose to him besides saying, “I’m sorry — I won’t do it again.” to make him open to at least giving me a chance to try to rebuild the trust?”

For the answer please click onto the following web site link to read:

Rebuilding Trust With Your Husband After You’ve Had An Affair

And to read other perspectives on this topic from the Dear web site, please click onto the following web site links to read:

Steps to Restoring Trust

How Can You Rebuild Trust After An Affair?

The “Need to Know”

Here’s a portion of another question that you might be dealing with after you have had an affair:

Question: “I have admitted to an affair. Part of my plan to gain trust is to contact the girl I had an affair with (who is absolutely no longer in my life). My wife wants me to convince this woman to send her any emails she may have kept that we sent to each other. Naturally I deleted all of my e-mails. …I am afraid if this woman does have something saved it will do the opposite of helping my wife because we really spiral out of control and go to a dark place when we discuss this. … What should I/we do?”

Click onto the following Beyond Affairs web site link to read the answer to:

What if My Wife Wants to Read Affair Emails?

It’s not just what you’ve lived through that’s important, but what you’ve “learned through” as well. Author, Becky Gain discovered that all too well. She wrote that she discovered: “Although I ended my illicit relationship, I could not stop the memories.” To find out what Becky “learned through” please click onto the web site to read:


You may be struggling forgiving yourself and finding a way to get beyond the hurt you have caused. But:

“It’s important to accept the fact that our actions can not be erased or undone, but that we can dig deep inside and discover some way to become a better person by virtue of this experience. This focus and process can be of great help in counteracting the feelings of guilt or regret. So the first step is letting go of “in only…” and looking toward “what can I do to demonstrate that I’ve learned an important lesson” from this experience. And, further, how can I take this learning and use it to become a better person. No matter how difficult something is to deal with, there’s always the potential for learning from it. And using these learnings to forge a more responsible and more fulfilling life can be of great help in counteracting the feelings of guilt or regret.”

To read more advice from Peggy, please click onto the web site link to read:

Where Can I Find Help for the Person Who Had the Affair?

This last article poses a question and then answers it as well. Author, Nancy C. Anderson was the person who had the affair and has since spent her life helping others who are struggling in marriages rocked by infidelity. After reading the article (and also reading her book, “Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome“) you may consider contacting her if you’re still struggling, to see if she might give you additional suggestions. But first, please click onto the following link to read:


We pray that God has used the above articles to minister to your heart and marriage in His amazing way. The above article was composed by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International.


Filed under: Surviving Infidelity

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62 responses to “Rebuilding Your Marriage After YOU Had the Affair

  1. I’ve been married for 19 years. My husband had an affair 9 years ago. I found out about it 2 years ago. We did not have the best marriage; he went to bars all the time. I stayed home with kids. He has stopped going to bars but now he has no desire for me. He pleasures himself but never touches me or seems to want me.

    I am struggling with the affair, so I feel at least if he made me feel he loved me and appreciated me that might help some. I’ve told him this several times. He never tells me he loves me, he never tells me he appreciated what I do for him. Recently I gave him a card and wrote in it how much I appreciate him and love him.

    This has been about a 2 months ago he has not said a word about it. I truly feel as if I’m the only one trying to make this work. I’m not the one who had the affair. I do feel he needs to step up and do something about it. He is NOT willing to go to counseling or to go talk to a pastor. I did go to counseling a couple times in my own. Do you have any suggestions? I will admit I do not trust him so I do have a lot of questions and when I do ask them it always leads to a argument. Is this worth it or shall I get a divorce? I was truly trying to look at the Bright side of this when I found this out since we had not had the best marriage. I was thinking well maybe we can work through this and have a better marriage but it’s not looking so good. I truly do love him. God bless and thanks for whatever help anyone can give.

  2. I write this comment to show someone who is as vile as I am, that is searching for assurance that God can forgive the vilest sinner, for many times I am persuaded that no one who calls themselves a believer and born again Christian has lived like me. I married my husband in 2001. In 2003 I had a brief friendship with a colleague. It was not an affair but I used to enjoy his company and looked forward to seeing him for chats cos I enjoyed his company. Thinking this was wrong, I confessed to my husband. He was not happy. At another instance in 2005, I went to a hair saloon, and a hairdresser I knew praised my beauty. So I went and laid on the sofa he was sitting and put my head on his thigh. It was in the open, and it was brief but I was guilty and confessed to my husband. He was very upset. In 2006. I had an emotional affair which ended in a hug. I confessed to my husband again. This time it all broke loose and he asked me to pack my property and leave his house with my baby. My in laws intervened on my behalf.

    I had married my husband as a virgin and I was beginning to be curious what sex with another man would look like. That same year, the backlash I experienced from the confession was so grievous that I went back to that relationship and got physical with no sexual intercourse. Not only that one, but I had another physical relationship but there was no coitus. In 2009, I confessed this one to my husband and he forgave me. Between 2010 February to 2011 September, I had sex with 3 different men outside of my marriage. I have completely forsaken my life of sin since 2011 September.

    I don’t want to discuss the circumstances of my life because I don’t want people to think I’m trying to excuse myself for being so promiscuous. When I eventually confessed to my husband, he filed for divorce within 9 days, while I was still 6 months pregnant. My husband hates me now with a kind of venom even a viper would covet.

    I want anyone reading to understand that God can forgive you. If he can forgive me, he can forgive you. I know that people call you all manner of names, and there is a stigma that comes with an adulterous woman. The damage my lifestyle has caused is beyond me to bear. Leave your cares at the feet of Jesus. If he can forgive me, he will forgive you. I have completely left the life of adultery since 2011. I don’t ever go back. No matter what you have lost, do not lose heaven. God loves you.

    1. Thank you Emana, for confessing this openly so hopefully, others will read it and will reject the the temptations facing them –seeing the pain it can bring. I’m reminded of something a marriage expert (Diane Sollee) said, “What we really need is a time machine so that people entering into an affair could flash forward and see themselves, their kids, and their lives at the other end of their lust.” Sadly, you are seeing the pain these types of actions can bring about now and for the rest of your lives. I hope others learn from your painful testimony.

      I also thank you for confessing this because perhaps it can give others hope that no matter what someone does, God gives forgiveness and grace when they confess what they did and sincerely repent and ask for forgiveness. We’re told in 1 John 1:9, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” That is a promise we can count on, no matter what! We’re all sinners, and do what is not right, but God is faithful to forgive when we look to Him searching for and then receiving His amazing grace. May God help and bless you and your family (even though you aren’t together) as you now try to pick up the pieces and go with God from this day forward.

  3. I cheated on my husband and with God on your side all will and can be okay. Trust in the Lord.

    1. I can’t help but think of the quote: “What we need is a time machine so people entering into an affair could flash forward and see themselves, their kids, and their lives at the other end of this ‘tunnel of love’ –at the end of the lust.” (Diane Sollee) I’ve seen it over and over again where the affair partner seems like the “right one” for them, but eventually after the shine wears off, a dusty relationship comes forth flawed beyond expectations and any types of imaginations that either partner could have dreamed. And then what’s left is a wreckage left behind AND the mess that is happening now and projected into the future. Please don’t be under the disillusionment that a man who would get in the middle of one marriage will be a wonderful, faithful partner to you in the future. The world of regret can be a horrible place in which to live. And I can promise you that you will be there. Cheating is never a good foundation upon which to build a relationship. You are walking onto shaky ground, to say the least.

      Not only all of that, but cheating is never a good solution to anything. You made a vow to your husband; why do you think it’s okay to break that vow and make it with another man? What stops that vow from being broken? Your love? You’ve been there before. Please don’t allow yourself to believe the lie that because you are unhappy in your current marriage, solutions to cheat and do that which you should not, are acceptable. They are not. This “new” love will eventually grow old and will not be what you think it will be in the future.

      You know the answer to your question. Crazy? I’m not sure. But wrong? Yes. Naive? Yes. Misguided? Yes. On a wrong path? Yes. You are erasing the possibility of being trusted that your word means anything. You are putting yourself out there as an example of cheating, instead of integrity despite temptations. You are also putting the people around you in a bad place. You are not an island all unto yourself. What you do has consequences for everyone around you, as well as for you. I pray God will help to you wake up and hope that you will turn away from your boss and invest instead in living a life of honor, and integrity. We need more people living that type of life. I hope you will.

  4. We had a great wedding and honeymoon in January , 2016 He was so proud of our wedding that he was telling everyone he could. He begged me to stay there and not come home. But we had jobs and so we left and went home. Then I went to see him in April, 2 months after our wedding, and I knew something was wrong. So when he went to the store I read his email and I was right. He was having an emotional affair. He had told her the same things as we had shared together and they were secrets. Now he was telling this woman. When he walked inside I said well I found your cheating emails.

    He said it isn’t what they look like and it is to keep a client from leaving and I said no this is more and I want you to listen to them as I read them. He said reading it back he was wrong and that he went too far and got emotionally attached. So he scheduled counseling and began going to church to be a better person and said he would never talk to her again.

    I feel like our wedding was fake and not real because after only 2 months? I could see a year or more but two months? I must not have what he wants after only 2 months. I have been hurt before in a marriage and so I just want to go and hide under the covers and not come out.